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themrsdeanwinchester · 4 years ago

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Two Souls - Part 1

Welcome to my first mini series! I had originally planned on this being a one shot but I got attached while writing it and it’s a story that is very close to my heart. I decided why not turn it into my very first mini series! I say mini because I don’t plan on it being longer than four, five parts tops. But that could change. We will see how it goes. :) In this series, Dean has retired from hunting but still lives in the bunker with Sam.

I’m the only one who has read this, so if there are mistakes, I apologize. I read it and did my best to find all my errors. You can find more of my work here.

Pairing: Dean x female reader

Warnings: Fluff, Dean being adorable. Possible trigger warnings in future parts of the story.

Word Count: 3,866

Series Summary: Dean starts a job working as a mechanic as a locally owned auto shop. The owner’s daughter, who works at the shop, makes Dean’s heart ache from the moment he sets eyes on her. But, does she feel the same way? What will her dad think? When her life starts crumbling, is it Dean who will be there for her and help her pick up the pieces?

I would love feedback, please :) Also, please send me a message/ask if you'd like to be added to my tag list.

Dean pulled his Impala into a spot at David’s Auto Shop for his interview with the owner and office manager. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly as he looked at the shop bays, all seven of them full of cars. The shop was a busy one because it was popular with the locals. The owner, David, was well respected and had been in business for over twenty years. Dean was nervous that his resume wouldn’t impress the veteran mechanic since he had never worked for an auto shop before.

He got out of the Impala and ran his hands down the front of his shirt, smoothing out the wrinkles. He had chosen his nicest plaid shirt, buttoned all the way up to the collar and tucked into his jeans. He had done his best to clean up his boots but they were still stained.

Dean approached the shop, resume in hand. He grabbed the door, took another deep breath and stepped inside the shop. The phones were ringing off the hook, mechanics were running in and out of the door from the shop to grab keys, put paperwork on the counter and answer the phones.

A husky, tall man with broad shoulders walked through the door and set his gaze on Dean.

“How can I help you?” He asked.

“I’m here for an interview,” Dean said. He glanced at the man’s name patch. He was the owner.

“You must be Dean. I’m David.” He extended his left hand to Dean. Out of instinct, Dean reached out his right hand to shake David’s. Only to fumble and change to his left. David laughed. “I’m left handed. My handshake always throws everyone off. Go through that doorway,” David pointed to Dean’s right, “and the first door on your right is the office manager’s office. I’ll meet you in there. She’s expecting you.”

Dean crossed the lobby and into the hallway. To his left was a hallway that lead to the shop and a few feet ahead he could see the office manager’s door. As he approached it, he could hear music. To his delight, it was Led Zeppelin. When he entered the room, the woman looked up at him from the desk and his jaw slightly dropped. He hadn’t been expecting a woman as beautiful as she was. He stood there staring for a moment until she broke the silence.

“Hi. You must be Dean.” She stood up and walked around the desk. Dean couldn’t help but let his eyes travel up and down her body. She was wearing jeans that fit just right, hugging her curves in all of the right places and that flared slightly around her boots. She was wearing a plain black V-neck shirt with a mechanics shirt that matched David’s “I’m Y/N. It’s nice to meet you.” She extend her hand to Dean with a blinding smile on her face.

When Dean took her hand, he was surprised at how soft her skin was despite her very firm handshake. “Y-Yeah. Dean. Nice to meet you, too,” he stuttered.

David saved him by walking in the door. “I see you’ve met my daughter,” he said. “Turn the radio down.” He gestured to Y/N who turned the nob down to a whisper.

“Oh, I didn’t know she was your daughter,” Dean said. He looked back at Y/N who just smiled again.

“Shall we get started?” She suggested, taking a seat behind her desk again.

Dean sat in a chair across from her and David sat next to Y/N.

“So, Dean. It doesn’t look like you have ever worked as a mechanic before,” Y/N said, looking over his short resume. “But you say you’ve got a few decades of experience.” She looked up at Dean.

“No, I mean yes. Well, no I haven’t ever worked as a mechanic for a shop before but I do have a lot of experience. My dad taught me a lot and then I also learned as I went. I have rebuilt my car a few times. I do all of my own work on her. My other dad, well, my adopted dad, kind of, he owned a junk yard. I worked on a lot of cars at his place as well,” Dean explained. He took another deep breath and cursed himself for fumbling so much.

Y/N and her dad nodded, exchanged a glance and Y/N smiled a little.

“I am mostly self taught as well,” David said to Dean. “Just classes in high school and college, mostly because it’s the only subjects I liked,” he chuckled.

“It says you have been self employed all your life. Winchester Brothers. What did you do?” Y/N asked.

“My brother and I were in the business of... pest control.” Dean widened his eyes a little, realizing he didn’t actually know anything about exterminating bugs. He prayed they didn’t ask him details.

Again, the daughter and father duo nodded. Dean used the back of his hand to wipe the perspiration from his forehead. He hadn’t been this nervous about anything in awhile. It didn’t help that every time he looked at Y/N, his heart lurched as if it were reaching out to her.

“Dean,” David’s voice brought Dean back down to earth. “I like you. And I’m always right about people. You’ve got yourself a job. Y/N will get your shirt size and have a few made for you. I’ve got to get back out there. I’ve got an engine I need to finish a rebuild on by the end of the day.” David stood up, stumbled a little and groaned.

Y/N jumped jump. “Dad, why don’t you take it easy. I can finish the rebuild for you.”

Dean raised his eyebrows. She listened to Led Zeppelin, was beautiful, and could work on cars? He was impressed.

“I’m fine,” David snapped, causing Y/N to recoil and plop back down behind her desk. “Can you start tomorrow?” David directed at Dean.

“Yeah, definitely.”

“Great, see you at 7:30AM. We might have some old shop shirts you can wear until Y/N gets yours in. Have a good one.” With that, David lumbered out the door and disappeared.

Dean looked back at Y/N. Her eyes were glistening with tears but he could tell she was holding them back. “Are you okay?”

Y/N looked up, blinking back the tears. “Yes. I’m fine.” She cleared her throat. “What size are you, Dean?”

He loved the way she said his name. It was heavenly. “Large.”

“Okay. I’ll order you five shirts. Do you have a nickname you’d like on the name patch or is Dean ok?”

“Dean is fine. I don’t have a nickname.” Dean was now able to see the name patch on her shirt. It said Bud. “Is Bud your boyfriend?” He asked before his brain could tell his mouth stop.

Y/N looked down at her name patch. “Oh, no. My dad calls me Bud. Has ever since I was a kid. I have one or two with my actual name on it but the ones that say Bud are my favorite,” she explained as she stood up. “Come with me. I’ll get you a few shirts for the rest of the week. Your shirts should be in by next Monday.”

Dean followed Y/N out of her office and down the hallway. Next to a door labeled Parts there was a coat closest. Y/N rummaged through it looking for shirts. She handed him four.

“That’ll get through until Friday and Monday morning I should have yours in. Oh, what kind of car do you have?”

“67 Impala.”

Y/N eyes widened a little. “Can I see it?” Her voice was bubbling over with excitement.

“Absolutely.”

Y/N followed Dean outside. “Wow,” she breathed. “She’s gorgeous. How long have you had her?”

“A couple decades,” Dean answered. He watched as her hand hovered over the hood. He could tell she wanted to touch it, run her hands along the shiny and warm metal. She curled her fingers and retracted her hand. “You can touch her,” Dean said through a small laugh.

Y/N turned to him, a smile on her face. She gently placed her hand on the hood, soaking up the beauty of the Impala. “I might have to talk to you into letting me drive her someday.”

Dean laughed. “Maybe. I barely let my brother drive her.”

“Fair enough. I won’t let anyone drive my truck.”

“What do you have?”

“66 Ford F100. Caribbean Turquoise. It was my dad’s first truck. I helped him rebuild it a few years ago.” She turned to face Dean. “Want to see it?” Her smile was so big, there was no way Dean could say no.

He followed Y/N around back and as soon as he turned the corner, he saw her truck. It stood out, the Caribbean Turquoise bright and shiny compared to the darker and more neutral toned cars around it.

“Oh, wow. It’s nice. How long did it take you guys to rebuild?” Dean peeked through the window. The interior was the same color, even the seat. The inside was immaculate.

“A few months. We had an advantage, owning a shop and all,” Y/N said, gesturing up at the building. She looked at the shop for a long time. Dean watched as she admired it and her eyes started to glisten again. “Well,” she broke the silence. She curled her index fingers under her eyes, pushing her eyes closed to soak up the tears. “We will see you in the morning, Dean. Have a good rest of your day.”

“Yeah, you too. See you tomorrow,” Dean said with a wave. He watched Y/N disappear around the building before making his way back to his Impala and driving away.

Three months into working for David’s shop, Dean had managed to learn a few things about Y/N. She loved classic rock, the Doors, 13th Floor Elevators and Zeppelin being her favorites. One of those three was always playing in her office. She was just as good as any one else in the shop at working on cars. She filled in when other mechanics called out or were on vacation. She also had a few of her own regulars who only would let her work on their cars. Her favorite color was Y/F/C and she loved rainy days. He also never once saw her wear a shirt with her actual name on it, only ones with Bud.

Christmas time had rolled around and the company holiday party was on a Saturday night at a local pizza parlor. Everyone was allowed to bring their families or partner with them and Dean was anxiously waiting to see it Y/N would bring anyone with her. He’d never heard her talk about anyone at work. Never even saw her take a phone call to anyone but customers or vendors. No one stopped by to see her either. Just customers.

In the back seat of the Impala Dean had a gift for Y/N. It was a scarf in her favorite color. He had picked a scarf because sometimes, when he’d stop by her office to say good morning, she had the collar of her shirt pulled up. He asked her why and she said it was always cold in her office in the winter time. It was practical but also thoughtful.

Dean walked into the pizza parlor. It was nice and warm inside so he shrugged off his jacket and straightened out his plaid shirt. He surveyed the room until he saw some of his co-workers, including David, in the very back. They all threw their heads back in laughter. Beer pitchers were empty on the table but not for long. Soon he saw Y/N walking over, gripping the handles of four beer pitchers, two in each hand. She spread them out across the table before turning towards the door. Her eyes landed on Dean and she smiled. She waved enthusiastically at him and made her way through the crowd.

“Dean!” She said, throwing her arms around him for a hug. Dean smiled, the smell of her shampoo tickling his nose. “Pizza and beer at the table already. I’ll grab you a cold glass.”

“Oh, no. It’s alright, I’ll go get it,” Dean protested.

“I’m going back up there to grab my dad another soda, I’ll grab it. Join everyone else.” She smiled and walked away towards the counter. He watched her go, her steps a little jagged from the beer she’d been drinking. He smiled to himself and approached the table.

Everyone greeted Dean cheerfully. He was introduced to everyone’s guests they had brought with them and he did his best to keep up with everyone’s names and which kids belonged with which couple. A beer was set down in front of him. He looked up to find Y/N standing above him. He smiled and thanked her. She sat down in the empty seat next to him with her own beer.

“I got us special ones. It’s actually my favorite from a local brewery. I hope you like IPAs.” She put the glass to her lips, taking a generous drink. “Try it!” She smiled at Dean, making his heart flutter.

He complied, his eyes growing large. “This is really good!”

“Told ya,” she smirked. “Pizza?” Y/N put two big slices of pizza on a plate and sat it down in front of Dean before he could answer. She then helped herself to some as well. Dean couldn’t help but smile. A girl who liked pizza and beer. There she goes, he thought, checking more things off my list. A list he didn’t even realize he had until he’d met her.

As the night wore on, people started leaving. A few of the kids had crawled into the laps of their parents and fallen asleep. Their group got thinner and thinner until it was just Dean, Y/N and her dad.

“I’m heading home, Bud.” He hugged her and kissed her cheek. “Dean, thanks for coming.” He reached out to shake Dean’s hand.

“Thank you for having me.”

“Can you make sure, Y/N gets home okay? She walked here and it’s kind of late.” David eyed his daughter who was sipping on another beer.

“Definitely, sir.”

As everyone left, Dean turned to Y/N. “Are you ready to head home?”

“I guess…” Y/N trailed off. She was lost in thought for a second. She downed the rest of her beer. “Alright, let’s go.” She stood up and lurched towards Dean, putting her hands onto his chest to catch herself. Dean instinctively wrapped his hands around her biceps.

“Whoa there,” he chuckled.

“Sorry. I am definitely a little bit buzzed.” Y/N laughed, her cheeks growing red.

“Don’t be sorry,” Dean assured her.

Dean lead Y/N out to his Impala and opened the door for her. He let her get in on her own, his hand close by just in case she needed it.

“Oh! I’m honored to get a ride in Dean Winchester’s Impala,” she remarked. She looked up at him from the passenger seat, an enormous grin on her face. Dean couldn’t help but think she looked perfect in the passenger seat, as if she was always meant to be its passenger.

A few minutes later, Dean pulled up in front of Y/N’s house. It was a modest home in a nice neighborhood. All of the homes were older, built in the 50’s. Y/N’s was light green with a white porch and steps. Her F100 was parked in the drive way. It was the only car there, Dean observed.

“Do you want to come inside?” Y/N’s invitation caught Dean off guard.

“We won’t wake anyone up?” Dean posed the question carefully. He was prying for an answer, but didn’t want to be too obvious that he was trying to figure out if she was taken or not.

“Nope. This is my place. Just me. Party of one.” She smiled, her eyes slightly glassy.

Dean hesitated a moment. He got his answer but since Y/N had been drinking, he didn’t want her or her dad to get the wrong idea about him taking her home and ending up inside her house. He did want to give her the gift he’d gotten her though. “Okay. I have a gift for you.”

Y/N’s eyes lit up. “Really? I actually have something for you, too,” she said quietly.

Dean smiled and his heart, again, leaped forward, always in the direction of Y/N. “Let’s get inside, it’s getting cold.” Dean got out of his Impala, grabbed the gift box from behind his seat, and then walked around to open Y/N’s door. He held out his hand to assist her. She took it, squeezing his slightly as she hoisted herself out of the car.

He followed her up to the door, she fumbled with her keys, first using the wrong one. “Oops, that’s my dad’s. They look the same as mine. Here it is!” The door creaked as she opened it. She stepped in side. “Welcome to my humble little home.” She gestured for Dean to come inside.

Y/N’s house had all hardwood flooring and was accented with Y/F/C, her favorite, and smelled like cinnamon. She walked over to the small Christmas tree she had in the corner and turned its lights on. The lights were white and the ornaments were all different kinds. There was no theme to her tree, just random ornaments she liked, ones that reminded her of people, places, and things. She grabbed one of the presents from under the tree.

“Let’s sit on the couch and open them together.” She made her way to her couch and plopped down. She patted the cushion beside her, beckoning Dean to sit with her.

As soon as he sat down, Y/N shoved his gift from her into his lap. “Open it! I’m terrible at keeping secrets when it comes to gifts.” The grin on her face was bigger than he’d ever seen it before.

He chuckled as he unwrapped the box and pulled the lid off. Inside was a few things. First was a nice, heavy duty travel coffee mug with his name on it. “So the guys at the shop know it’s yours” Y/N said through a laugh. One time, Dean and another mechanic had gotten their coffees mixed up. The other mechanic liked his coffee extremely creamy and sweet, Dean liked his black. Y/N had witness them both spit out each others coffee all over the shop floor. Next was a picture of Dean’s Impala in front of David’s shop. It was from a low angle, the car taking up the foreground with the shop’s sign hovering over it. There were raindrops on the Impala and the sky above was dark and angry. He looked at it in awe. It was a beautifully crafted shot.

“I thought it was a neat picture,” Y/N said quietly with a shrug.

“Did you take this?” Dean turned to her, awestruck. She nodded her head, a small, closed mouth smile on her face. “I love it. It’s… it’s a really beautiful shot. Thank you.”

“I’m glad you like it.” Y/N smiled. “There’s one more thing in there.”

At the bottom of the box was a black mechanics jacket with Dean’s name on it. He pulled it out and turned it around to reveal the shop’s name on the back.

“That one is from my dad and me. Only he and I have one. And now you,” Y/N half whispered.

Dean turned to her, overwhelmed by the kindness and generosity she, and her dad, had shown him. They took a chance hiring him and now, they were giving him a jacket, something that clearly held a special meaning for the two of them. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. We’re so happy to have you be part of the shop family.”

They sat in silence for a moment, Dean taking in his gifts and Y/N watching him. He gently placed his gifts back into his box before handing Y/N hers.

“Now I feel like I should have gotten you a little more…” Dean trailed off.

“No,” Y/N said, dragging out the O’s, and waving Dean’s remark off with her hand. She pulled the bow off of the decorative box and popped the lid off. She pulled out the Y/F/C scarf Dean had picked out. She ran her hands over it, taking in how soft the fabric was. She wrapped it around her neck and looked up at Dean. “You remembered my favorite color.”

“Of course,” Dean said through a grin, his voice hushed. “Now you won’t be so cold in your office in the mornings.”

“Thank you, Dean. I love it.” Y/N pulled the ends of the scarf forward, taking in the details and feeling the warmth around her neck.

She looked up at him, and held his gaze for a moment. Then, she closed the gap between them to place a soft kiss on his lips. As she pulled away, Dean took a deep breath. He’d been wanting to kiss her for months and he didn’t want to stop now.

“It’s late. I should get going.” Dean stood up, gathering up his gift box.

Y/N followed suit, still wearing her scarf as she walked Dean to her door. He stepped out onto the porch and spun around to face her. She was holding onto the door, letting it support her. But not because she had been drinking, no. It was for a different reason. It was because kissing Dean had taken her breath away and made her knees weak. Her hands were trembling and she needed to steady herself, not wanting him to notice what he’d done to her, what he’d been doing to her since they had met in her office months prior. She had been pining for Dean, but she was so sure he had a significant other. There was no way a man as handsome, kind, funny, caring, and… her list went on. But there as no way, so she thought, that a man like Dean was single.

“Do you want to go out to dinner with me tomorrow night?” Dean’s question pulled Y/N from her thoughts.

“I’d love that.” Her answer was quick, zero hesitation, and Dean noticed.

“Pick you up at 6?”

“I’ll be ready. Casual or fancy?” Y/N questioned.

“Which one would you like?”

“Casual.”

“Casual it is, sweetheart.” Dean smiled, wished her good night and almost skipped back to his Impala.

Y/N waved to Dean in his car and closed the door, locking it tight behind her. She leaned back against it, letting out the breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. She had a date, for the first time years. And, it was with the man of her dreams.

Tags: @akshi8278, @notan-applepielife

There is a pinned post with my Masterlist on my blog. Thank you for reading!

#Dean Winchester #Dean x reader #Dean x female!reader #Dean x fem!reader #Supernatural fic #Dean fic #Dean drabble #Dean fanfiction #Supernatural #SPN #SPN Family #Jensen Ackles #Jensen x reader #Jensen deserved better #Dean deserved better #Dean feels #Dean!girl #Deans girls

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babybuckleys · 4 years ago

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In Jail & Needing Bail.

Drew & Rudy x Reader. (just friends but a bit flirtier with Drew.)

Summary: Hanging out with the outer banks cast was always eventful but you didn't expect to be in a jail cell with two of your closest friends.

Word Count: 2.1k

Warnings: trespassing, smoking, a few bad words.

A/N: this is my first fic with no relationship and the most warnings so bare with me. But the boys look so hot in handcuffs. Also I do not know anything about prison. This is my first fic on here, hope you like it. (I guess this means im open to requests.)

Nothing was supposed to happen, you guys were just supposed to be having a good time . Now you were sitting in a jail cell with Drew and Rudy. Now if we back up a few hours to where it all started this would all make sense.

You were all sitting in Chase’s apartment and were starting to get bored. Earlier in the day everyone had come over and you guys had a movie marathon day. But now as it was starting to reach around 10pm and people were starting to get antsy. LA usually was very awake at 10pm, people at restaurants and just walking around the city. So when Madison suggested that you guys go explore the city everyone agreed. Anything to get out of the stuffy apartment.

As you headed into town someone through the bunch of your friends suggested first you should grab a bite to eat. Food was important if you wanted to last the night so a bunch of murmurs were heard throughout the crowd. After finishing up, you guys headed on a walk to wherever your feet would take you.

LA had many different sides to it. There was the jam packed side overflowing with people and places. Then there was the sketichier side of LA. The side where it was darker and there were less open shops and buildings. As you and your friends headed to the darker side of LA you huddled closer together. Still laughing and having a good time together. As you headed forward, your group of friends came to a halt. You lost your balance a little since you were towards the back and it was an unexpected stop. Everyone looked forward to see what was up.

“Shit look guys.” Chase said. Everyone followed his gaze to an abandoned house in the middle of the street.

“How about we sneak in, we got nothing to lose.” Austin spoke out.

“I don't think that a good idea, it's kind of scary.” Madelyn said.

“Yeah I agree” Madison and you said.

“Come on, let's live a little.” Drew said as he bumped your shoulder with you. Drew was your best friend, also as was Rudy. So usually when you guys told each other stuff to do, you guys did it no matter the circumstance.

“Sure, why not.” you told him, what you did for and with your best friends you thought as you shook your head.

The boys headed in first and you girls stuck behind. What a great way to be spending a night in LA with your friends. In an abandoned house at midnight. You weren't one to break the rules so when you didn't see any sign about no trespassing you though it was ok. At first it was kind of scary but after the eerie feeling went away you decided to walk around and explore. Some of your friends even thought it was a perfect time to record it for their Instagram stories. You headed one way by yourself as your friends all headed separate ways. You turned on the flashlight on your phone and tried not to be too scared. As you were walking more you heard creaking but thought that maybe they were just your steps.

“Boo.” Drew grabbed your shoulders and whispered in your ear. You screamed and dropped your phone. You heard the scatter of your friends footsteps as they ran to the source of the screaming.

“You're an ass for doing that, you know that.” you told Drew as you shoved him.

“But you love me.” he said as he wrapped your arms around you.

“Y/N, you ok?” asked Madison, searching for your voice in the pitch black building. Out of the two girls you were always closer to her, and talked to her when you couldn't talk to the two boys. Soon they all reached you and Drew.

“Yeah I am, someone just decided to be childish and scare me.” you told her. Soon you all explored together. For the next thirty minutes you walked around. It started to get around 1:30am and Jonathan started to yawn. You knew that it was about time to head out since it was getting late and you guys were getting tired.

As the rest of your friends headed out, you stayed behind to tie your shoe. Rudy stayed behind so you wouldn't be alone. As you got up from tying your shoe, you felt around your pockets for your phone.

“My phone, shit where's my phone.” you said as you frantically searched your clothing pockets.

“How about we retrace your steps, when was the last time you had it?”

“Uhm I think it was when Drew scared me.” you thought as you remembered that when you guys were upstairs you must have dropped it. As you guys were headed upstairs Drew headed in to see what was taking so long.

“Hey guys y'all aren't doing any funny business.” Drew said as he walked in with his hands over his hands.

“Shut up Starkey, we aren't even dating.” you said as you looked at him. You were best friends with both boys but always tended to be a bit more flirty with Drew, but of course would never date any of them, because you liked how your friendship worked.

“Ok then what's taking so long.” he said in an exasperated tone.

“I lost my phone and don't know where it is. Can you help us find it?”

“But we gotta hurry up cause this place is giving me the creeps.” Drew said hugging his hands to himself.

You guys laughed as all three of you headed up stairs to the last spot you were at. While you were looking, your other friends were outside.

Currently waiting for the rest of you to come out. “What's taking them so long, it's getting cold.” Madelyn said.

“Maybe someone should go check on them.” suggested Madison. As your friends played rock,paper, scissors to decide who would go in; they saw police lights in the distance.

“Shit are they coming this way?” Chase asked.

“Nah I don't think so, maybe it's a coincidence.” said Austin. As your friends continued on waiting for you they heard the speaker of the police car.

“Hands up where I can see them.” said the police officer through the megaphone.

“Shit , shit, run.” said Jonathon.

“Shouldn't we wait for them or at least warn them.” Madison said worried about the rest of her friends.

“I don't think that's a good idea, our best bet right now is to run or else we’re going to get arrested,” Chase said. Your friends ran as fast as they could as you guys inside headed back downstairs.

You headed outside and the first thing you heard was “hands on your head and step out carefully.” You couldn't believe you were about to get arrested and where were your other friends? Nowhere to be seen.

“No fucking way.” Rudy said.

As you stepped down towards the cops they handcuffed you all a bit too roughly. “Anything you say will be held against you.” he said as he put all of you in the back of the cop car. As you started to drive off Drew spoke up.

“I guess it's time to take a ride downtown.” You just shook your head as you buried your head into your hands. Rudy put a hand on your leg to ease the tension. You could not believe you had just gotten arrested for trespassing with your two best friends.

As you were put into a cell all you could think about was how this was crazy. Drew and Rudy were handcuffed together in one corner and you were in the other. You werent gonna lie, your two best friends were attractive but something about them handcuffed together just sparked something in you.

“I don't understand why we have to be handcuffed, it's not like we are going to fight each other.”

“Well I got to say it's pretty hot that you too are handcuffed.” you didn't know where you got this new source of confidence and you were kind of shocked.

“Damn Y/N, jail is turning you wild.” Drew said. You looked down blushing and ignored his comment. Rudy was becoming stressed, you could tell because first he was shaking his leg up and down. Next he did something that he only did when he was stressed, he pulled out a cigarette.

He started smoking it and offered Drew one too. “You want one Y/N?” he asked.

“No thanks Pankow, two people smoking in here is enough.” You weren't a fan of smoking but again something about your friends in handcuffs and smoking was so hot. You sat in a corner and hoped that you could get out of this soon. Because you didn't think that you could last much longer in here with your friends looking that hot, barely doing anything and you not doing anything stupid. The officer came in a bit later and said that you guys can call someone.

“You guys get one call, make it worth it,” he said in a grumpy voice.

“What the hell, why do we only get one call if there are three of us.” Drew questioned.

“Watch you tone.” the officer said. You grabbed his arm and looked at him in reassurance to not say anything else. “Hey it's ok, they'll answer.” You really hoped your friends answered. You weren't sure what time it was but you decided that your best bet was calling Madison, she had always been there for you so you hoped this was the case.

You punched in her number and after three rings there was static on the other end.

“Hello, Madi, Are you there? Please tell me you're there.” you said trying not to break down in front of your friends.

“Y/N oh my god, are you guys ok, I'm sorry we couldn't stay back.” she said. You knew that they couldn't stay back because instead of three being arrested it would be eight.

“Oh god Madi, I don't know how long I could be in here with them.” you told her suggesting the fact about how they were looking so hot.

“Why? Are they being gross? Have they posted bail for you guys.” you knew you couldn't tell her with the boys around so you suggested to them that they go ask the officer how much your guys bail was set at. When Drew stayed behind you spoke up.

“Can you both go, I have to tell Madison something.” you looked at him pleadingly. He shook his head and jogged up to catch Rudy.

“Gosh Madison I don't know, it's just something about them in handcuffs and smoking that's so hot.” you exasperated to the brown haired girl.

“Damn seems like someone has a crush on two guys and has a kink, I thought you hated smoking” said Madison laughing of her best friend in a joking way.

“Don't say it so loud. They're attractive guys but just my best friends that's it. Now shh they're coming back. “ Y/N said as she turned around and saw both boys heading her way.

“He said the bail is set at $500.” Rudy said.

“Did you hear that Madison?” Y/N told her friend on the other line.

“Yeah I just told the others. Hang in there, We will try to get you guys out soon.” She said as there was shuffling on the other end then and the line ended.

“Ok they said that they'll try to get the money as soon as possible, I guess we just have to wait.” You sulked back to the jail cell sleepily. You closed your eyes and laid your head on Drew's shoulder. About what seemed like a few hours later the jiggling of keys startled you awake.

“Someone here to bail you out, come on get up.” the officer said. You and your friends headed out of the cell sleepily. As you headed out of the police station you noticed as the sun was rising. You saw your friends leaning against Chase’s car. You all pulled each other into a hug.

“What a night we had.” Austin said.

“You're not the one who got arrested” you said looking at him with a serious face.

“Yeah man it was your idea and you didn't even have to be in a cell for god knows how many hours.” Rudy said.

“Well it's now 7 in the morning so you guys were in there for about five hours, sorry it took us so long to get the money.” Madelyn said.

“It's all good, what matters now is that we are out and that we should get some food cause I am starving.” Drew sighed.

“I agree with that statement, let's go get some food.” you said. You had an eventful night that you never expected would happen but now you were glad it was winding down with your friends and food.

taglist: @heartbreak-hemmings (thank you for helping me with the title), @thelocalpogue, @outrbank, @jayjaymaebank, @beautyandthebleh, @ceruleanjj, @pogue-style, @shawnssongs, @flowersinvegas, @baby-bearie, @myrandom-fandomlife, @calumbroutledge, @bellaguarneri.

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yourbaristahatesyou · 5 years ago

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Couple stories I want to share: 1) i was the opening shift yesterday, and I decided to put a new girl on main bar for some practice. I'm bar supporting her to evaluate her skill / make sure that she doesn't fall behind or get overwhelmed. The main ringer gets a line of about 4-5 people, and new girl is having trouble with a drink. I decide to remake it so it'll go faster and pass off a new drink to her. Main ringer is getting frustrated that I'm not helping her and she starts berating me in front of customers. "The lines super long and you're not helping me !!! I have warming and coffee and mobile orders !! There's not even that many drinks on bar, she's being too slow. !!!" First off, why the hell do you need to point out the fact that new girl is slow? She most likely is very aware of this, and feels bad. She doesn't need someone to criticize her like that, especially in front of customers. Secondly, she needs practice and it's not going to help her if I leave her to support someone who's been there for 3 years, while she drowns in questions and uncertainty while customers get mad at her. Thirdly, I am very aware that you have more than 2 people in line, chill. I shut it down with "I need to make sure that she's ok. Don't argue with me right now." Main ringer exchanges a "look" with a customer and I'm just like I'm making a judgment call right now as I see fit. If you don't agree with it it's really whatever right Now. New girl needs bar practice but I would rather have it happen when it's 5:30am and still slow versus 9am when it's bammin' slammin' busy. Enough said. 2) I'm the closing shift today. We recently had a remodel, and they took away some seating. Yes, it's awkward at times especially when it's busy. We also don't have a break table anymore. I get it, we need more chairs. I forgot to ask the dm when she stopped by today about it. Some guy comes up to me, and at first he's nice if a little annoyed at the lack of chairs. Im like "well you can bring a chair inside so you don't have to sit out in the rain." I actually would've brought it in for him if there weren't some more customers in line. He's like "oh I guess that works." And I thought that was that. Couple minutes later he comes back and is more agitated. "Don't you guys have a limit on how much time you can sit?" "no we don't." "Well you should. I'm a paying customer and these people just think it's an office space, don't even buy anything". "Yeah sorry about that." Ok, well, I offered you a solution. You decided to not take it. I'm not the chair police. Im not going to create a time limit, I have too many other things to do. Most of these people do buy things, so yes, they can sit in our lobby. Sorry if you think that you're the only one who buys stuff at the store, it's a wonder we make any profit. Hell, I don't really care if you don't buy anything as long as you're not harassing customers or employees. So chair dude finally goes away, and then this other dude who's been sort of an issue comes up. He asks for some water, and I'm like "ok let me finish ringing these people up and I'll get you your water." He's impatient, as usual, and he motions to the hand washing sink and he's like "just get me some damn water from there, I'm trying to make it easy for you." By now he's standing fully behind the counter, like behind the pastry case. It's a well-known, unspoken rule that customers ARE NOT ALLOWED AT ANY POINT behind the counter. I am very adamant about this, because of liability and also just like "stay out of our space, fuck." So I'm like "ok, I'll get you your water right now, but you need to step on the other side of the counter." He rips the cup out of my hands, and grumbles "no, fine, you wanna be difficult, whatever I just wanted some water." Ok then. Chair dude is watching me, and as I try to help the next people in line he's like "wow, you know you didn't need to make him stand in line, all he wanted was some water." And he's irritated. I lost my patience. When I lose my patience, I don't say all the things I want to because you know, I need to make money, but you can clearly tell I think you're being a fucking nuisance. I'm polite, but short and definitely not smiley. "I was getting him water, like he asked, and he decided to leave before that could happen. Not a whole lot I can do." Turn to the next people in line,(with a smile)," sorry about that, what can I get for you today?:)" Chair dude lingers for a few more seconds and then finally fucking leaves. Thank god he didn't come back. I cannot wait until I don't work for Starbucks anymore and then I can tell some of these people off. I am SO SORRY that we ran out of high-quality seating. I can't pull a chair out of my ass, I'm so sorry I haven't evolved to magician status yet. If it's such a bother for you to stand, grab a chair from outside or here's a novel idea - sit on the fucking floor. It's what people did before chairs were invented, asshole.

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haroldssfedora · 7 years ago

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In Good Times and In Bad (Harry Styles Imagine Part 3)

SURPRISE! I was so guilty for making you guys wait for this part so I locked myself in my room with a pot of coffee (the entire coffee maker lol) and made sure to finish it today.

Make sure to tell me what you guys think about this part HERE

If you’ve only stumbled upon this story for the first time... don’t you worry! Here’s the other parts!

PART 1 PART 2

Masterlist here

Love you guys!

Y/N’s POV

It didn’t surprise me that Anne and Gemma already got themselves checked to be donors for Harry’s kidney donor. Like them, I underwent the several tests to see if I can donate and made my way out of clinic.

“That’d be all Y/N. I’ll just inform you and your in-laws if we ever find a match for you husband.” Dr. Sison said.

“Doctor, if I may ask, will it be possible that in the instance that I’ll be the match, everyone would never know that it was me who gave him the kidney?” I asked him.

I knew that if he found out that it was me who made the transplant possible, he’d owe his life to me and forget about the divorce.

Don’t take it the wrong way, I don’t want the divorce. Harry, on the other hand, already haas the idea in mind and I believe that he has his reasons as to why he wanted it. I don’t want him to force himself to loving me just because I technically saved his life.

I don’t want him to think that he still loves me just because he owes me his life.

“That’s totally possible, Y/N.”

It has been a week and still no news about the kidney compatibility.

I was on my way out of the house to go to the hospital when my phone suddenly rang.

“Hello?” I answered?

“Is this Mrs. Y/N Styles?” The person the other end answered.

“Speaking.” I said in an unsure tone.

“Mrs. Styles, this is Jona from Dr. Sison’s office. He wants to tell you that you are a match for your husband’s kidney transplant. If you can make your way to his clinic to talk about details, it’d be best.” She said.

I was stunned to know that I was a match. Who would’ve thought that we were meant to be in that sense. I thanked her and told her I’d stop by sometime today and hung up.

I left the house and made my way to Harry’s room with the donation in mind.

“Good morning, my wife.” Harry greeted me as soon as I entered.

There goes that nickname again...

It was only 7am and Harry’s hospital breakfast has just arrived. He held both his arms up and wiggled his fingers to lure me beside him. I laughed at his childish actions and came closer to his bed, gave him a hug and a kiss on the temple.

“Good morning, my hub. How are you? Slept well?” I asked, putting down my stuff inside the drawer and prepared the food that I cooked at home. Anne and I knew how he felt about hospital food and since then, we’ve been sneaking in food for him to eat while keeping the hospital food to make it look like he ate it. Of course, we make sure that the food prepared were equally healthy for him to eat.

“No.” He said, pouting and crossing his arms in front of him. “You weren’t here with me.” I laughed at his remark. For one, he was so adorable. And two, I knew that he slept around with Stacy, so his remark was technically invalid.

“Alright Mr. Pouty Face, go eat your breakfast.” I said, opening the last container which contained the cubed fruits he asked for. After eating, I quickly packed up breakfast and made my way beside him.

“Love, I’ll just get my results from my doctor upstairs.” I told him.

“What results?” He asked, shock and curiosity evident on his face.

“Just… blood test. Mom heard the news and told me to get myself checked as well. You know mom, health freak.” I lied.

“Oh ok. At least we’ll know earlier.” He said, kissing me on the cheek. “Hurry ok? I’ll miss you too much.”

“Will do.” I said and made my way to Dr. Sison’s office.

“Mrs. Styles! Great to see you today.” Dr. Sison welcomed as soon as he entered his clinic. “We have your results and, congratulations! You’re a match for your husband’s kidney donation.”

He was so cheerful that I thought he “wanted” me to immediately give my kidney to him.

“What about Anne and Gemma? Any news on theirs?” I asked curiously.

“Unfortunately with Mrs. Anne Twist, her age will not be suitable for the transplant because she wouldn’t be able to properly cope with the surgery and recovery even though she is a match. Ms. Gemma Styles, on the other hand, was not a match..” He said, looking down at his files to be sure.

“So I’m his only hope?” I asked.

“Not exactly, if we wait for the donors’ list to move, we can find another match for Mr. Styles’s kidney.” He said.

“No, no. It’ll be best if I was the one who will give it.” He nodded and told me the procedure that I’ll undergo - blood tests, sugar level maintenance, etc.

“And I will make sure that it’ll be anonymous.” He ended.

I told him my decision to tell Gemma about it so that i there were any concerns, he can talk to her.

Flashback

“WHAT?” Gemma said, more like shouted, as soon as I told her about Stacy.

“And she was the one who called for an ambulance that day?” I nodded. “That bitch led Harry here. I’ll show her-” She said, ready to burst out the door and attack Stacy, but I stopped her.

“I signed up to be Harry’s kidney donor.” I told her. “And it’d be best that Harry doesn’t know.”

“He has every right to know about your plans Y/N! Your life is literally in danger. Not all donations come to a success.” She said. I sighed and led her back to the sofa to calm her down.

“I can’t believe how lucky my brother is to have you as his wife. To think that he has been seeing a bitch behind your back, but you’re still willing to risk your life for him.” She said.

“I love him, Gem. I can’t just sit back and watch him die like that. I know that he loved me at some point. He gave me a wonderful daughter and you guys. That’s enough for me.”

“Thank you, doctor.” I said. I shook his hand and exited his clinic.

That same day, around noon, Dr. Sison delivered the news that they found a match for his donation. Everyone was utterly happy, except Gemma. The look she gave me showed that she knew it was me. I don’t understand the confused state that she was on.

He is my husband. The least I can do is try my best to save him.

“The donation can be done as soon as the donor is given the go signal with his blood tests, tissue typings, and cross-matchings which will roughly be around sometime next week.” Dr. Sison explained.

The smile on Harry’s face was priceless. It was a mix of relief and eagerness. His grip on my hand got a little tighter as the news was delivered. I couldn’t stop the smile creeping on my face.

“Can I meet the donor? To thank him?” Harry asked and I stiffened. My eyes got wider and Dr. Sison smiled at me calmly and answered.

“I’m afraid the donor wants his identity to be anonymous. But I can pass the message if you’d like.” Dr. Sison answered smoothly. Harry looked defeated and told him to pass his gratitude.

“We respect that.” Anne answered. “We’ll just send a fruit basket and some flowers on the day of the surgery.”

“And tell him we’re willing to give him anything he needed in return.” Harry followed.

“That can be arranged.“ Dr. Sison said. We all thanked him as he left the hospital room. Everyone sighed in relief and congratulated Harry.

Everyone was happy.

I am happy.

It has been a week and the day of the operation finally came.

I lied to Harry the day before that I had an urgent meeting to attend to today so I couldn’t make it to the hospital. I told him that I asked Gemma to update me and that I’d be there as soon as I can.

My mom also flew in knowing about my, as she calls it, “act of heroism.” I told her everything that Gemma knows which angered her at some point. But since she had undergone the same situation with my dad (yes, my dad once had a ‘side chick’) she knew where I was coming from, saying “He is your husband. You married him because you love him and you made a vow that you’d be there ‘in good times and in bad.”

I got a private room a hallway away from Harry’s and wore the hospital gown. The nurses came in and connected me to my IV. It was 6:30am.

“Mrs. Styles, the surgery will start at 8:00am. Mr. Styles is already prepping and we are ready to prep you as well.” Jona, Dr. Sison’s assistant nurse said.

The time went by so fast. Before I knew it, it was already 7:45am.

“Are you sure about this?” My mom asked me one last time.

“Of course mom. I have no doubts in my body.” I answered as soon as Gemma came into my room. She greeted my mom and came beside my bed.

“Harry’s already under the meds.” She reported.

And with that, the meds came to action and I was unconscious.

Harry’s POV

All I could hear was the soft volume of the television. My eyes were still feeling heavy but it was lighter than earlier to the point that I can already open it.

Big mistake.

The light was too bright, which caused me to close them again.

“Harry?” I heard my name being called. I opened my eyes again, but this time slower, and found my mom and Gemma looking at me eagerly.

“Thank goodness you’re awake!” my mom said, hugging me. I smiled and returned her affection. “We were so worried that the kidney will not be compatible to your body. The doctor said your body will have a hard time to wake up if it didn’t.”

I looked around the room and found Y/N’s mother by the door.

“Mama Y/L/N! I didn’t know you flew in.” I said. Flashbacks of when I first met Y/N’s mom came to mind which made me smile, but realization hit and a frown replaced the smile.

“Where’s Y/N?” I asked, doing a double check around the room searching for my wife.

“She’s still at work.” Y/N’s mom answered. “That’s why she asked me to look after you first.”

I was about to answer when the door burst open quite loudly.

“Mrs. Y/L/N, Ms. Styles, Dr. Sison needs a word with you.” The nurse said.

“What’s happening?” My mom asked. I was also in confusion with what was happening. Gemma said that she’d explain everything later and followed the nurse, along with Y/M/N.

A lot of commotion was happening outside which made my heart race.

What if there was something wrong with the transplant? What if they gave me the wrong kidney?

These thoughts came to mind but was disturbed by Y/M/N’s loud cries. My mom have had enough and went out to see what the commotion was all about. It then took another few minutes before Gemma came in with mom holding Y/M/N’s in her arms.

“Gem, what’s happening?” I asked her, but she didn’t answer. “Y/M/N? Mom? What happened?”

No one answered once more.

“What the actual fuck is happening?!” I asked again, but this time in a louder and stricter way.

I deserve to know what the hell was happening right now. It involves me and my body and even though it may be bad news about my upcoming death, then so be it.

Y/N was all Gemma said.

“What about Y/N?” I asked nervously. All I got were sobs and a few snort.

“Tell me! What happened to Y/N?!”

“She was the one who donated your kidney!” Gemma answered in a shouting manner. She paused and wiped the tears streaming down her face. “Her body’s not functioning well without the donated kidney. The- they are forced to put her in temporary comatose to help her body regain strength on its own. They don’t know when she’ll wake up.”

By that time, my whole world froze.

#one direction preferences #one direction imagines #one direction one shots #one direction writings #one direction au memes #one direction masterlist #harry styles imagines #1d preferences #1d imagines #1d one shots #1d writings

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paramedicsuicide · 6 years ago

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First responder suicide -- PTSD, or something else?

Its 1:30am. I sit on my computer in complete darkness, having just slept for the past 10 hours. As a Paramedic in a suburb of a relatively small US city, I work 12 hours shifts for 4 straight days. I get 4 days off to recuperate after that, and at this point in my career those days are essential for my survival. Many of my co-workers are not lucky enough to be able to stop at just 4 days, and must work additional overtime shifts in order to make ends meet. The private EMS industry has relatively low wages nationwide. We are the "red headed step child" of emergency services, often hiding in the shadows of police officers, firefighters, and nurses. There is no such thing as a "typical" shift when working in EMS. There are the occasional shifts where I will sit in the parking lot of the local convenience store chain for 12 straight hours without picking up a single patient. The glow of my cell phone screen illuminating my face for each passing person to see the life draining out of my body. The boredom sets in after hour 2. My legs and butt hurt. I am hungry, but I can't tell if its true hunger or just my body telling me to get up and move. I decide to walk inside to browse the aisles of colorful treats, getting nauseous at the thought of eating "lunch" out of a gas station at midnight for the 3rd day in a row. Despite my disgust, I walk outside with 2,000 or more calories of junk food at a time in an attempt to eat myself to death. "Ill be diabetic by the end of the week" I say to my partner as I open my fudge dipped granola bar. As the career of a first responder goes on, most quickly start to pack on the pounds like a bear preparing for winter. Company policy prevents you from sleeping during your shift, so your food (if you can call it that) is washed down with 16oz of your favorite energy drink to keep you awake and ready to pick grandma up off the floor when she attempts her 2am bathroom run. I have palpitations from all the caffeine. Hopefully one day those PVC's turn into an arrhythmia and the lord takes me. "Anything to get out of this job" I say, as I polish off my second monster of the night. Morning rolls around. 50mg of benadryl will help me fall asleep after drinking energy drinks all night long. I have severe shift sleep disorder. I am depressed. I just want to sleep. I wake up ready to go after just 4 hours of sleep. Great. Another night of pounding monsters. I punch in 15 minutes early for my next shift and am assigned a call before I am even scheduled to start. I am the only ambulance available in the surrounding 15 square miles of suburbia, and that trend will continue for the next 12 hours. Call after call, I don't have time to finish my paperwork before being sent on the next run. Its 11pm and dispatch calls my unit number for the 5th time today-- "With the fire department for a 1 year old post choking". I have taken 50 calls of the same nature before and say out loud-- "Great, another bullshit call". Every day, nervous parents call 911 over the slightest cough or sniffle which eventually numbs you to the potential of a true pediatric emergency. Its never a real emergency. Until it is. Rolling up on scene after the fire department, I grab my house bag and begin to waddle towards the low income apartment building for the third time this week. I think -- "I should have brought the tablet for a signature so I don't have to walk back outside". Suddenly, a firefighter rounds the corner carrying a limp child like he is holding an offering platter. "That's not good" I blurt out , going from zero to 100 in the snap of a finger. The firefighter tells me the child was eating chicken and rice when he began to choke. As my partner digs out the pediatric bag valve mask that has been sitting unused in the house bag for an unknown number of years, I set up the suction, only to find an unresponsive, apneic child with a clenched jaw. "That doesn't make sense" I think to myself as I try to peel apart his tiny jaw without any luck. Thank god-- he has a gap in his front tooth that fits a small, 12fr suction catheter. I start to go through the motions. Is he seizing? Nope. Any trauma visible or reported? No. Mom was asked again-- and again says the child was sitting up, eating, and suddenly started choking. What is going on here? With little to be done on scene, I rush to the small local hospital, nervous that the next squeeze of the bag could lodge a piece of food in this kids airway. I am getting good air exchange but his spo2 isn’t amazing. He must have aspirated. Great news. He is now moving his arms, and his eyes just opened. Wait, why is his jaw still clenched? That's not great news. This kid hasn't made a noise. What the fuck is going on. As I roll the stretcher into the small emergency room closest to the scene, I am greeted with that dreaded sentence from the ER Physician-- "why did you bring him here and not children's hospital". I bite my tongue-- its not the time to have that fight. The kid is now posturing. A few minutes go by and the doctor asks me to get my laryngoscope because the emergency room is not currently stocked with the proper pediatric equipment. Maybe he was right. The thoughts start rushing through my head-- "they are going to kill this kid. I should have just risked it and bypassed. It was only an extra 7 minutes or so further". As I sit there and wait for the next order, new thoughts take over. "Someone shook this kid. There is no other explanation". Hypertensive, bradycardic, posturing. But mom said he was choking on rice? Where would she get that from? Hmm. She doesn't seem as concerned as a mother should be. She answers a text message while being questioned by the police. She has yet to ask anyone how her son is doing. The texts start to come in to my phone. "Are you ok?". "I hear you had a bad call. You guys ok?" "WTF was that all about?". I am fine. Any provider who plans to have a lengthy career has to distance themselves from their patients. I can think back to every "bad" call I've taken, and never once have I been able to recall processing a patients face. Its not important. What they look like is irrelevant to my job. Its the circle of life. Some people live, some people die. Its my job to try and make that circle a little bit bigger if I can. Sometimes you are successful, sometimes you aren't. You have to come to terms with that early on. Minutes after calling in service from restocking, the radio chimes my unit number again. "Cold response to the fitness center for a hand laceration". I arrive on scene to find a psych standing out front in his blue paper clothes, clearly having been to an emergency room at least once today. “Hop on in buddy-- take a seat” I say as I shake my head. We drive him 3 blocks down the street to the same emergency room we left just a couple hours prior. I am not greeted like one would expect. Not with "Hello", not with "whats the chief complaint". I am greeted with a sentence that is never good news. "Did you hear?". Our child from earlier had been emergently transferred 6 miles away to the childrens hospital by a specialty transport team. The news from them was not good. "That kid -- he has a brain bleed". My suspicions were confirmed. He was never choking. Someone hurt this kid and tried to cover it up. I know how to handle this, because its not even the first time this situation has happened to me. People hurt kids often enough that I am not even shocked. Stories like this don't make the news *for a reason*. People cant handle stuff like this. No one needs to know that savages live in apartment 3. Some people have to know though. WE have to know. Its not OK. I talk about suicide often. My previous partner was a veteran and has PTSD from being deployed overseas. He has had many friends commit suicide after returning from war, and was concerned about my mental health. That should concern me. He would ask me once a week-- "Are you sure you are ok?". My little comments here and there come off as jokes to most people. "Id rather die than come into work tonight". "Pull out in front of this semi truck-- we wont feel a thing I promise". "Stage for police? Fuck that. I hope I get shot". In reality, its not a joke. I am not suicidal at this point in my life-- I am apathetic about living. I'm not going to take my own life, but I am definitely not excited when I wake up each morning. This feeling has slowly crept up on me over my almost 10 year career as a paramedic. I tell myself daily that I need to get out before its too late. What will be the breaking point where I become truly suicidal? I have to answer one question before I leave. "Where will I go?" I am burnt out. Everyone says "go to nursing school", but the passion-- the fire inside that makes you want to help people has been extinguished for years. Where can you go at 30+ years old with a paramedic certification and no useful degree. I have made financial commitments at my age that makes starting from scratch somewhere at entry level wages an impossibility. What can I do? Where can I go? I am stuck. This job is like quick sand, and I'm up to my shoulders. If I struggle much more it will be above my head. We get to see what goes on behind the curtains of society. How much would you enjoy a magic show if you knew how the magic was performed? That is what life is like for many first responders. Members of the general public get to wear blinders during their day to day lives. There are people who post rants to facebook if the garbage man didn't put their garbage can back in the correct spot. A terrible day for a typical person is a flat tire on the way home from work. They have no idea what happens in their town or city on a day to day basis. They have NO IDEA that 3 doors down, a husband beat the shit out of his wife for the 4rd time this year and she wont tell the police what happened. They have NO IDEA that people call an ambulance from the parking lot of an emergency room because they don't want to wait in the waiting room. They have NO IDEA that someone in apartment 3 just hurt their baby and tried to cover it up. But we know. We see it all. I have talked with a lot of people who have similar feelings. Its due to me being so open about my apathy towards life. People who I see every day, smiling at their coworkers and telling war stories and laughing. You would never guess these people were at the end of their ropes-- fighting off their own demons. "Make sure they have bagpipes at my funeral". I don't try and talk these people down because they don't want help. How could I help anyways? You cant just "un-know" the things we know. These people just feel comfort in the fact that they aren't alone. I have been lucky that none of these people have taken their lives yet. I know the day is coming. Its been a long time since a co-worker has committed suicide, and the statistics say we are over-due. How will I handle it?

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godmerlin · 7 years ago

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Vegas 2017

Okay I promised a massive write up so here we go. LOL this is my ENTIRE trip fyi not just the shows. but CLEARLY the shows and all the stuff that goes with it is in here in large quantities. Under the cut:

I'm just starting off with something that i'm not going to be writing this pretty because it's 1:30am lol. Anyway... So I got there at like nearly 11pm their time which was my like 2am lol and finally got to the shuttle area and got on (next time im skipping the shuttles and just using lyft) and then the dude forgot about me and this other woman and so it took a MILLION YEARS!! to get to the hotel and I was late :( like wtf we were supposed to be like the 2nd people dropped off. RIDICULOUS!! lol thank goodness they at least had a room but it was a smoking room and SUPER creepy lmao but we got to switch the next day thank goodness. SO anyway all i did once i got there was eat part of a creepy sandwhich (lol) and video chat my mother who was also amused by the creepiness of the room when I showed her LOL and then showered and attempted to sleep... I had barely got asleep when Kayley got there and she had keys to the room but they didn't work weirdly and knocked on the door to which i promptly fell out of the bed hahaha and let her in and it was odd because it was like Hi there first time meeting face to face but it didn't feel that way at all and we just talked and then fell asleep ahahha and then when we FINALLY got up we were like ok well let's go downstairs and walk around before we leave. So, we're in the casino when suddenly this guy that worked there was all "Hold up, how you gonna wear a Three's Company shirt without the original cast?" to Kayley (the start of one hilarious day of wearing that shirt tbh) and we were amused and we started talking to this guy and he was just VERY enthusiastic over Three's Company. And he was like yelling about it in the middle of the casino lmao he was not a Terri fan whatsoever. hahaha This went on for like at least 10 minutes. It was super amusing. Then after that we went to the box office and got our tickets for the shows and then we were just walking around and suddenly I spotted Ryan (why was it always me who spotted everyone? good grief!) and I was like OH my god THERE's RYAN!! and she was like WHERE?? and I was like seriously? you can't see the giant at the poker table?! LMAO finally she saw him and we got the giggles!! and we were like omg and we walked around again just to like look at Ryan. Hahahaha and then that's when I noticed Jeff at the bar. LOL and I didn't say anything at first because I wasn't sure if it was him so I made us walk by it again and sure enough it was and I was like oh man there's Jeff and she was like where? and I was like over there! and we were just standing there and i was pointing (thank goodness he had his back to us lmao) and I was like I know it's him because he's wearing one of those ugly hats LMAO (it's ok rob wears them too sometimes) then the rest of the time was spent walking around for a few because I was trying to decide if the woman he was talking to was actually Cassandra or an old woman because apparently she looks like an old woman to me. Or at least from the side/back. hahahaha but then we got the giggles too bad and I literally was like nope we have to go our room NOW. I was like I must banish us!! I did not want to be seen acting like a giggling 12 year old lmao...so we got up there and then had a major giggle attack and once we calmed down we then went back down and walked around a bunch more we were trying to figure out if we could approach or not but we never ended up doing it but I did at least discover it was in fact Cassandra when we got the courage up to walk a little closer. hahahaha then we were like okay this is ridiculous we are ridiculous and we decided we had to get something to eat cuz neither of us had eaten anything and it was like 3pm lmao (we be creepin) so we went to the restaurant there at the hotel and that's when we were like ok so we don't have any time to do like half of what we wanted to do that day since we spent so much of it either sleeping or creeping lmao so we ended up just going out and walking around a lot and getting ice cream, and giggling over it because #thegoldencone

Throughout this entire time random dudes just kept commenting on her shirt. Like nonstop. one even sang the theme song to us lmao! It was really funny and so random...we appreciated it!!! SOOOO...fast forward to the show! We get there to wait to go in and decide to take pics with the poster because why not?

Hahaha took some pics for other girls and they took some for us... and then when Kayley was taking mine I just pointed and had no idea but I was ironically pointing at Jeff I was amuse dby this and there was a guy watching it happening who was laughing at me and i was like listen here pally, i love them a lot ok? (in my head) he was gone when i was done hahahaha

so we get inside and see our seats and are slightly surprised with wherethey were (it looked diff online) but still impressed cuz SO CLOSE. and we are giddy and happy and everything

and thennnn we find out we do get to fill out sentences which was great though this time around neither of us got any of them read. but that's OK. and then when Greg came out he was asking the questions he normally asks and he asked like what is your favorite movie? and I yelled out The Nutty Professor because I knew I wanted to yell out a jerry movie because well it's jerry but i wanted one that the majority of people would actually know (it's not actually my fave) and he was like "oh wow i wasn't expecting that" very amused HAHA and then he ya know announced them to come out and i about lost my shit when jeff and ryan came out lmao i cheered for joel but i wasn't as keen on him at this point (i mean i didn't hate him!! i liked him!! i just wasn't all !!!! but it's changed now!!) and then it started. it was a sort of odd show i feel like at first they took a little longer to get going. I mean they were still super funny but they were kinda awkward about it for a bit?? And after talking to joel i understand why, they weren't used to being so far away from the crowd. I sadly can't remember as much about the first show as I can the second. Hopefully Kayley can help fill in some blanks and remind me. Lol. I mean there was the ICONIC sentences game. Some super loud drunk dude down front yelled out Poultry Porn for a suggestion lmaoo and they went with it and it was WILD. Ryan was an ex starlet turned CHICKEN pornstar (and Jeff's sorta semi ex lover) who was just happy to still be on film LMAO. it was a whole thing. Nonstop really inappropriate shit happened. At one point the actual guy who suggested it was like "THIS IS SO WRONG" outloud and Jeff was like "YOU FUCKING SUGGESTED IT!" LMAO at one point there was some oohs and ahhs cuz it just was getting REALLY wild and disturbing...I think at one point I was just like "oh my god what the hell is happening in front of right now" out loud and I know for sure Ryan heard it cuz he was right infront of me at the time and he kinda was laughing. There was a really great cock joke in there (because chickens) i wish i could remember it. ugh. And then Jeff was all IT'S TIME! and Made Ryan have to pretend to be in a porno with a chicken and it ended with Ryan JERKING OFF A CHICKEN LMAOOOOOOOOOOO and Jeff walked back out and was all OK LET'S STOP IT THERE and Ryan was like REALY? REALLY? IT SHOULD HAVE STOPPED LONG BEFORE THAT!! LMAO His face was PRICELESS. omg... hahahaha and from there it got wild!! lmao Then the girl sitting next to me was the one picked to have Jeff sing to her (I just want it to be me. why can't it be me?) and she was terrified to be on stage tbh lmao she was there with her mother i guess and i don't really remember much but i do remeber at one point she just casually put her hand on jeff's thigh and he suddenly looked down surprised HAHAHA and she quickly took it away but he grabbed her hand and put it back ahaha and then slowly raised her hand til she was basically grabbing him it was so funny moving people was pretty funny as usual but i can't remmeber any details right now im sorry. but the sound effects one was really lame this time tbh one of the girls was relaly good and the other one was just awful but at one point ryan was trying to just get her to make a sound so he pretended he had a megaphone and was trying to get her to say stuff or make noise or anything but she just...wasn't. And he was all YOU'D THINK YOU'D HEAR MY VOICE THIS THIN IS SUPPOSED TO MAKE YOU SOUND FUCKING LOUD! or something lmao and the girl was all "THIS IS MY FUCKING VOICE" or something like that lmaooo and they all lost it and ryan was like "oops, have it set to mega bitch" LMAO! and Jeff was all OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH in the back it was so funny hmm let's see...greatest hits was a blast! LOL They did a french song about douching lmaoo and a rat pack esque song i believe too which was great. There was another one too because they accidentally did 4 that night hahaha i can't remeber what it was??? But the iconic one was definitely the rock opera. I think it was supposed to be about plumbing but I forget and honestly they strayed WAY off soit's OK. Anyway it was supposed to Greg and Jeff that night but Greg was like I'm OUT lmao and told Ryan and Joel to do it and they were like OK. Lmao and so they went in and At first Jeff let the start it up and it was so great but then Jeff did join in it was honestly the most massive greatest hits song i've ever seen or heard them do tbh. the song itself lasted AT LEAST 10 minutes and all 4 ended up involved by the time it was done lmao Jeff ran out into the crowd and was trying to be the disco ball God but the lighting guys were not on their job lmaoo and he couldn't get the disco balls to work no matter how much prompting he would do and it was hilarious and then the fog machines went off instead and ryan and joel were all "the house is on fire! gotta put it out! the house is on fire! gotta put it out!" all dramatically in song toward it lmaoo it was WILD i was dying omg it was truly epic hahaha and then Jeff ran up to the light guys to get it working and they FINALLY came on only to be shut off not long after and he was all THEY JUST FUCKING WENT OUT but then they finally got them going again omg hahaha and jeff like ran back up on stage and was all im gonna go drink backstage and pretended to walk off the stage hahahaha but by the end of the song even greg joined in and like ryan was on the floor just rolling around joel was like exhausted in the corner greg was dancing and jeff was just dramatically stomping off the stage. lmao it was just so wild omg it was amazing. then they said goodnight and we just sat there for a few cuz we were way down there and there was so many people going and we just needed a moment. then we like went out and were like ok...what do we do...and we stood there for a bit then i was like eh let's walk around so we did and then we went back and there were some others there then waitin and we were talking to them for abit and then we were like let's walk around so we don't look creepy (as if it could help) but then time when we were rounding back we saw they were out and we wer elike OMG! and we literally just started running. WE RAN THROUGH THE CASINO. lmao right before we got around the corner i was like OK WE GOTTA STOP WE CAN'T LET THEM SEE US hahahaha so we did and we tried to casually walk up. HAhaha I saw Jeff was with some girls so i was like OK. Greg. and I was like HI 2 times and then i did everyhting i already wrote about that hahaha and same with jeff hAhah got our pics embarrassed ourselves especially me hahahah omg i forgot about how kayley didn't know how to operate my phone and just flashed my phone at us thank goodness he couldn't see my wallpaper cuz #embarrassing lmao! but then we giggled after and stood around for a long while just like freaking out by a bush and then i thought it was totally normal and OK to just creep them from behind said bush and we did this for like a solid hour. damn. why didn't we just go in the bar this night? oh well. HAhahaha Anyway at one point i was snapping pictures from behind the bush lmao :

and just as i was about get one of jeff standing and kinda looking but not really we locked eyes and he noticed me and he smirked at me!!!! and then like walked away and I turned around wide eyed in a freak out to kayley and was all JEFF JUST SAW ME CREEPING!!!!!!!!!!!! WE LOCKED EYES. THERE WAS SMIRKING. LMAOOOOOo I SAID IT SO LOUD EVERYONE COULD HEAR ME. I was so loud the whole time and embarrassing I swear. (the last 2 picd were RIGHT before it happened lmaooo) I was a whole other person in Vegas.. lol!!! As I said...Vegas changes you... hahahhaa and then i was like omg ok we need to go so I'm not even creepier lmao and so we went out and went to denny's and ate toast because, yes. then we came in and tried to sleep ad junk and again the next day we walked around and saw Ryan. but that was it. Then we went out and we did madame toussands and stuff

and then we went to Pierro's which is this amazing Italian place that Jerry frequents (how we knew about it) and it's super old school. Not just old school Vegas but just...old school. They even wear the white waiter coats! The food is SO good and they give you SO much but it is pretty expensive so it's definitely a vacation kind of place for me at least. hahaha I couldn't even finish all of my food which made me sad to pay that kind of money and not be able to finish it...but ya know.

then we left and went back to the hotel and just as we were getting in the elevator there was jeff and cassandra and this time kayley spotted them but the only reason i didn't is because I simply had my back to them and was facing her and she was trying to warn me but i couldn't hear her and then they were just standing tehre so she was all "something is coming" and just as she was saying that i saw him out of the corner of my eyes because he's so massive hahaha and they pushed the button for the elevator anyway ours opened at the same time as the one opened on the other side and we walked in ours and she started walking into the other one but jeff decided he was going to ride with us instead i guess hahaha cuz next thing i know he was walking in and i was like O_O inside tbh and then she quickly followed and i wa slike what is happening omggg I did my best poker face ever there because i was internally screaming if im being honest. He was just in there talking about how he was sick and loosing his voice and how his throat hurt and junk but he was like i'll be fine for the show haha and kinda looked at us and he was like warming up his voice and stuff and then he was patting himself down and was all "i really need to find a lint brush" LOL it was really funny. and then we got ready quickly after of course dying some more nad then we went to the show and got in our seats which we switched who sat where that night just because it was fair and then the show started and it was great! I was like how does one top what we ha djust seen?? and idk if they did better or what because both shows were great but this one was DEFINITELY more wild (i mean ok the chicken porn thing was pretty wild but this...idk man. i just dunno. lmao) During Freeze Kayley got to put jeff into a position and I laughed the way Greg looked when he said possibly not in a sexual position because it was different then the way he had said it the night before and different the way he said it for the other one. And that's when she chose downward dog. lmao and Jeff was like yes and he went over to her and made it look like he was gonna shake her hand but took her drink instead and drank it BAHAHA we were dying and she like raised herself up to give ti to him it was the funniest the crowd really laughed too. and then he did it and they kept him in that position the entire game of course. Ryan did the whole blows into Jeff's ass joke, which I was very glad to see in person lmao and there was one when he was a tent which i cracked up over. Jeff did Christopher Walken for the gameshow one and I was so happy to hear that in person and this particular time was extra funny too lmao ryan asked him to quote something from brigitte jone's diary because he said he wa sin every movie and jeff just said something about a diary and ryan got laughing and was like "i don't think that's right" lmao it was so funny and then when they asked for style of film or directors we btoh yelled at Jerry Lewis but Jeff only heard Kayley and asked her to say it again and she did and he was amused and he had to go ver and like shake her hand HAHA so we are happy to know he really likes jerry too and then Freaking Greg and joel did MARTIN AND LEWIS rather than just Jerry and I was there like OMFG THEY'RE DOING MARTIN AND LEWIS!!! sooo loud im certain they all hear dme hahaha i was like dying. then omfg Sentences. Ah, Sentences. honestly, that's my fave game if we're being honest. Lmao. This one was about Firey Bellbottoms or something like that and they made it about disco. Hahahaha Jeff just wanted to dance. Ryan had a baby randomly lmao which was made funnier cuz later on one of the sentences read was about him getting his period and jeff was like, wait a minute. Lmao! and Ryan was laughing and was like DON'T EVEN ASK. hhahahah but then came the best part of course... When they were talking about going out and dancing and Jeff was all That hit Beegee's song *reads paper and makes a face and raises his eyebrow before reading it off* "Would You like to see my Golden Cone?" in which i then started to die and im certain he knew it wa sme cuz he threw the paper directly at me LMAO!

he said it so dramatically i died. like even more dramatically then some cuz he like put his head to the side in a huff. hahaha. the whole audience laughed a lot and i felt so proud!!! and then Ryan apparently must have really appreciated it because he decided to start singing it. He sang a disco song about the golden cone and I can't remember it...so seriously if anyone out there was there and remembers it or anything PLEASE LET ME KNOW!!! I know it involved penis and sex though. I was very glad they went the penis route because that is what the golden cone is all about. LMAO but it was like a whole thing nad i was liek OMG!! i was so proud!! and then jeff went quickly over and they got SUPER close and then they started dancing and it was so funny. also kayley's never got read but it was about bananas which was super funyn cuz ryan made a joke about bananas ealrier in it and then got like 2 or 3 other sentences about bananas. HAHA it wa sso funny though oh man. I'm so sad I can't remember the song though :((( hahahaha and then the woman who got brought up this time was like in some relationship with this dude in the crowd for like 8 years or something idk but not engaged hahaha and she said something about not eating the candy but she got in the van anyway and they laughed about that a lot and ryan was like man i wish i had said that hahaha and then the song started and i don't fully remeber the song but jeff ran down into the audience and sat next to him which was like basically right behind me and was trying to convince the guy to propose to her but the guy wouldn't LMAO it was too funny omfg! and then he went back up and finished the song. then during moving people a 3rd girl went upon stage because it was vegas so she was durnk and instead of kicking her off though for abit they were highly amused and trying to figure out what the heck was happening jeff was like why don't we just do it and they wer elike oh ok? and so they kept her on and ryan ended up playing it too. HAHAHA they were at some amusement park but the girls just put jeff and greg into really inappropriate postions the ENTIRE time. Like they were just so close i was dying it all happened directly infront of me too. and at one point greg was talking about never having jeff's balls on his as much as he had in that moment LMAO and then they were so close that there lips were touching each others faces and they were loosing it when they were talking and at one point jeff was just power tool tonguing at me from the stage tbh and i lost it entirely and then finally the girls moved them over to try to get on the "ride" that ryan was apparently the runner of lmao but the girl just made jeff majorly squat and it wasso hard to watch because he was clearly in pain LMAO and Ryan was loosing it and he was like THIS IS NOT RIGHT! THE RIDE IS BROKE! THE RIDE IS BROKE! IM GETTING OUT OF HERE! lmaoo and the girl walked him backstage. hahahaa finally the game ended but omg it was so funny this sound effects game was much better. the two were much better about it. but again i don't really remember the details about it?? lol im sure i'll remember them but im just forgetting right at this moment. then let's see...GREATEST HITS! oh man, greatest hits. lmao this time Jeff and Ryan were singing. and it was so funny. Ryan kept trying to upstage Jeff and at one point Jeff was like "CAN I JUST SING A FUCKING LINEEE?" and he'd sing like 1 and then Ryan interupted again LMAO it was so funny but then when they got to the last one which was an 80s song (i squeed cuz greg mentione the pet shop boys lmao) and ryan did his freaking get up as the 80s guy and i lost it and jeff was just singing away not looking at him and ryan was trying to ge thim to so he put it inot the words so jeff turned around and his reaction was priceless and he started singing about ryan being a creepy looking dude. and the song was supposed to about roofers. but it just veered off. at one point ryan was singing about pitchin a tent and shit lmao but they kept getting all over each other like hardcore Lmaooo and at one point jeff was like behind ryan all sexually but he smooshed him down too much that the bottles started faling out of his shirt and jeff was trying to put them back in and ryan was all 'it's tooooo late nowwww" lmaooo and then jeff proceeded to start like humping him and making faces and he was all "I'M THE TOP............YOU'RE THE BOTTOM!!!" LMFAOO AND I FUCKING LOST IT me and kayley were dying so hard and then they pulled apart and were just there thrusting in my face and i was like what the hell is happening?? im pretty sure at this point they didn't even know and then ryan wa sjust rolling around on the floor and jeff was siging something about questioning his sexuality or something hysterical likethat somehow involving roofing... and then he was back over standing over ryan and ryan had his knees bent ya know on his back and he wa slike singing telling jeff to go down on him LMAOOOO and Jeff put his hand down ryan's legs into his crotch and ryan was dying (this was DIRECTLY INFRONT OF ME BTW) and then jeff wa ssinging about lowering himself onto ryan and He was doing just tht...LOWERING HIMSELF DOWN ONTO RYAN LMAO and Ryan was like dying jeff kept more into character tbh but he was giggling too at some points but by this point the whole roofing thing just went out the window and it was like gay porn happening on the stage and even ryan realized it and he was like SINGING "CAN THIS GET ANY GAYER????" LMaoooo and once he sang that (and btw jeff was just full on stradling him at this point with his hands on him) Jeff lost it and then Greg and Joel decided to join in the song with dancing like it was the 80s all over the stage but jeff and ryan were just rolling around together on stage and i was just like what the the hell did my eyes just witness. LMAO when ryan was all can this get any gayer tho i was like ONLY IF YOU WHIP IT OUT because that is literally how much it really was. I was like WTF IS HAPPENING!! like i knew they could get wild and get close and stuff but this was literally other worldly. The entire audience was loosing their shit. Like there was a full on sex scene happening on stage I'm not even lying they REALLY, REALLY, REALLY!!!!!!!!! went there. lmaooo and when it ended they were still joking on about it for a few and ryan was just like "oh man" like he does when things et really wild lmaooo. and then they said goodnight and we all cheered and it was amazing and sad at the same time and then we waited around again and then that's when the old guy was all "would you ladies like to dance?" and at first we were like noo cuz like he was some random old guy in vegas. lmao but then he was like ya want to meet my wife and kayley went over ahaha i was like no way you can dance you're the dancer! NOT ME! mostly cuz jeff was there and also because my feet were KILLING me. seriously.they were bleeding. lmao so i stood there and videod her as ya'll saw and watched and listened to jeff and greg esp jeff cuz he was so loud and very into it LMAO! and then we werelike right at the table next to them as i said and finally the old guy convinced me to go up but i was like fineee but only if you go too to kayley hahaha and so the 3 of us were just up there dancing as jeff and greg and joel too were watching and it was wild. omg. so much happened there i don't wanna put here if you want to know the details you can message me for those. lmao thennnn later we were walking around the casino again and i played the dean martin slot machine because dean (I Won, yay) and then joel approached us and we were just there talking to him for a while and it was great because it was like talking to an old friend. He's so nice. haha and a genuinely funny guy!! then kayley got a drink and i decided i needed one too so we were walking into the place when somehow i spot jeff walking toward us and I was like (loudly of course) OMFG! THERE'S JEFF! and like flailed my arms up and kayley while trying to hide behind me or something went falling into the clothing rack that just happened to be there. people in the casino saw. jeff definitely saw. again more weirdness happened there that if you want details on you can message me (i'm trying to keep this less creepy publicly. lmao) i then was mortified that i did it loud and ducked into the place but he definitely heard and saw so there's that. Lmfao. I mean I don't think i would have been all OMFG!! except for the fact we walked around the whole place a lot and didn't see him and he's not exactly hard to miss so i just had figured he had gone upt o his room or something bahahaha. gues snot. oh well. oh ya i forgot we also met Bob really quick as he was heading up to his room! We shook his hands and told him he was great and the show was great and he thanked us and was all smiles, nice man of course. then the next day we did an escape room (i was dumber than I thought lmao) and the mafia museum which was great because there was dean stuff and theyeven played ain't that a kick in the head and there was martin and lewis stuff and i was just like yaaaaaaaa!!! hahaha

then i ate like the biggest slice of pizza in my life lmao (it looked bigger in person trust me

and then we also went to see Vegas! The Show which was really fun and stereotypical Vegas so it was great. and got better seats for free

haha but sadly i was really sick that day :( haha then we wet back to the hotel and tried to sleep because i knew i needed it we hadn't orignally planned to sleep but as i was sick there was no way i couldn't. and then we were super sad to leave but had to obviously and then my flight from vegas to DC/Virginia was good and nice but then the mess atthe airport happened and I had a panic attack in the middle of an abandoned section of the airport and then went off on this jackass of a dude like full on. I was screaming at him arms flailing my heavyNY accent was A GO! lmao I was so pissed and he was a JERK like to everyone i genuinely wish i remembered his name and shit so i could report him and get him reprimanded or fired or something because he is like on my list of evil people he even LOOKS like a creep. like for real. he kept making me seem like i was an idiot and at that point i was so sick and so sick i was just like GONE. lmao but after my panic attack i finally found someone who wasn't a jerk and hse helped me get a decent flight and a hotelr oom and junk and then i got there and stuff bad happened there too and i was like ??? was i too lucky in Vegas?? Hahahah but then i slept which was nice even if it wasn't long enough and flew home and got in and got home and i was like yay onyl to find out my dad is a jerk and didn't do any of the stuff he promised he would do so i had to do it all that night before i could even sleep and then once i slept i was out til 4pm and i just keep sleeping a lot and im still sick tho i think im starting to feel better finally so fingers crossed. Damn you Jeff for getting me sick!!WORTH IT!! lmao

ok i think i covered anything if i forgot anything hopefully Kayley will fill ya'll in. this was nuts i can't believe i spent over 2 hours writing this and it's not even everything and I'm pretty sure I forgot important stuff. bahhhh. 3:59am ahaha

i was all we need pics when im in a butterfly shirt!!! lol

#vegas 2017 #whose live anyway?#whose live #jerrylevitch #i may or may not post more pics at some point on here idk lol

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alongwalktoforever · 8 years ago

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Goodbye, Until Tomorrow pt 2

Missing Japril moments from when Jackson served April with the papers to the divorce.

Chapter 1: The Decision

Chapter 2: The Night Before

Jackson

It had been a little inconvenient and slightly stupid, choosing Saturday. He had the wedding and had to write a speech, but he didn’t want to stretch this out. A dark thought occurred to him and even he had to laugh: Is there ever a convenient time to schedule a divorce? The sooner it was over with, the sooner they both can move forward, move on.

He had a plan. They were going to meet at the lawyer’s office at 10am and the wedding wouldn’t start until 1pm. Plenty of time. It wasn’t lost to Jackson that focusing on the logistics was easier than focusing on the reality of the situation. He set out the wedding tux and his divorce suit next to each other. If there was ever an example of irony, it was this. It seemed wrong to have them next to each other. He hid the divorce suit in the closet so he didn’t have to look at it anymore.

Jackson had been staying at a hotel for two weeks now. He had been putting off getting a permanent place. Every time his realtor emailed him a new showing, he felt the strong need to throw up. That felt a little too…final, which was misguided since they were signing the papers tomorrow. In their divorce agreement, Jackson had let April take the apartment, which he had taken some convincing. She had made it clear that she didn’t want anything from him. But he could afford to live anywhere and wanted to give her this, at least. Jackson thought about that old apartment. It held the most important moments of his life, the best and the worst. Their first months as secret newlyweds, finding out that they were pregnant, building the nursery, crying to sleep together, crying to sleep alone. Those moments had all been there. He was leaving behind such a huge part of his life, but that doesn’t mean he was ready to start a new one.

Jackson sat down at the desk and reread all the paperwork to make sure that he had everything that he needed for tomorrow. On top of the pile was a schedule for tomorrow’s preceding.

It was funny how their wedding wasn’t something they planned at all, besides a few phone calls on road and yet their divorce was scheduled down to the minute.

10am: Review documents

10:30am: Discuss any disputes

10:45am: Sign documents

11am: End meeting.

His lawyer had sent over the “official” schedule earlier that week. Jackson thought the lawyer was a complete idiot, but his mother had insisted he was one of the best that money could buy. Their first meeting hadn’t gone well at all.

“Your post-nuptial agreement from your mother’s lawyer is air-tight, which is very very good. She won’t be getting any significant amount of your money or your family’s money,” The lawyer laughed. The damn bastard had laughed. Jackson almost fired him on the spot, but starting the whole process over again was something Jackson couldn’t fathom.

Jackson couldn’t help but remember the day they signed the postnup. His mother had pummeled into town, the force of nature that she was, and decidedly burst the cozy marriage bubble that April and Jackson were enjoying. But it was a non-issue, April never wanted any of Jackson’s money. Hell, she still couponed even when he had seven figures in their bank account. His stomach twisted, when he remembered April’s words from that day.

“I don’t want your money. I want you. A pre-nup or whatever the hell it is, is only for if we get divorced, which were not going to do”

Hindsight was a real bitch. I love her. She’s the one, he had confidently told his mother. And he had truly believed that with all his heart. However, Jackson knew those were different people. Those were the before-April-and-Jackson. They lived in a time before Samuel died in their arms, before Jordan, before the years of hurting each other at every damn turn.

Sometimes, late at night when he couldn’t sleep, Jackson would picture how their lives look in another universe, a universe where Samuel hadn’t died. Would they be a happy family, taking Samuel to the park and pre-school? Would they live in a big house down by the marina where April could raise ducks? Would they have another one on the way? She always wanted a big family.

However, those thoughts never saw the light of day. Those were the thoughts that creep in when you are half-asleep without reason or reality to stop you. But morning always came and Jackson had to accept that they weren’t in that universe, even if he wished with all his might that they were.

No. They were where they were and they had to live with it.

He picked up his phone mindlessly. He scrolled through his messages. He stopped at her name, she was further down since they hadn’t been speaking. The last time they had texted each other was before she had been served the papers.

AK: Hey. You coming by tonight?

JA: I can’t. Skull fracture, probably be here until late.

AK: Ok. good luck. I love you.

He hadn’t responded. He hadn’t said thank you or good night or I love you, too. He remembers feeling annoyed and suffocated. All her kindness and affection just made him angry, because it was too late. She got the papers the next day and the rest was history.

He stood there, staring at his phone. He wanted to call her so badly, it hurt. He wanted one last...something. He threw his phone across the room. No good would come from any of that. He went downstairs to the hotel bar to get a very large glass of bourbon.

April

It was the early days of their elopement. They hadn’t told anyone yet, but they were newlyweds in-love and wanted to act like it. So, they would drive an hour to Bellevue to a small dingy, but no less delicious Italian restaurant, where they would kiss, eat, and be very very merry. On this particular Wednesday night, there was old band playing Frank Sinatra covers. April somehow had convinced Jackson to dance. He had put up a fight at first, but soon he was spinning and dipping her as they laughed together. A slow song began to play and Jackson pulled her in close. She sighed.

‘I never thought I could love someone this much, Jackson.’

Who the pianist? Me too. He’s dreamy,’ She hit him playfully.

‘Hey. I love you’ he whispered in her ear, shivers spread through her whole body.

‘Hey. I love you, too’ she smiled into his chest.

He lifted her chin and kissed her softly on the lips. He was so very hers and she was his and this is all she had ever wanted.

“Hey…. April. Hello? Is anybody in there?” Suddenly, Arizona was in front of her, snapping her fingers in front of April’s face.

“God… Yes! What?” April snapped.

“Hey. Snarkypants. I am not the enemy,” Arizona held up her hands in surrender.

“I’m sorry. Sorry. I just…” She shrugged, not able to articulate the thought.

“Why don’t you go home? I’ll come over, Callie can take Sofia and we can watch movies and pig out. Then tomorrow we drink until our eyes cross. Girls weekend, wooo!” Arizona attempted a pathetic fist pump, but dropped it when she saw April’s expression.

“I... I’m swamped tonight. I can’t” April started to walk away, but Arizona followed her.

“Okay. Okay. But hey, listen here. Tomorrow. I am coming over even if I have to break down the door.” She waited for a response.

“Okay” April nodded.

“Good. And I am going to bring lots and lots of booze.” This caused April to finally smile. Arizona continued, “April? Make sure you take care of yourself today. Not just everyone else.”

With that, Arizona left April to her ER.

After three consecutive MVC’s, April was shocked to see that it was after 2am. The day was long and she spent every minute running around. She was exhausted, too tired to even make it home. She found an open on-call room and decided to try and sleep for a few hours. Tomorrow was the big day. She pondered what people did on the eve of divorces. Drink? Cry? She tried to picture what Jackson was doing. She had seen him in the cafeteria, earlier that day. He was sitting with Karev and Warren, talking. And she felt nothing. Not hurt or longing or anger.

As she lay in the uncomfortable bed, April Kepner was surprised that for once in her life, her mind was completely blank. She wasn’t making lists or planning her next steps or thinking about the people around her. Life kept moving forward and she was just in auto drive. Maybe she had used up all her tears for one lifetime. Maybe this was how she lived now. It would be a welcome change. She had always been the girl that was just about too much for everyone around her. April knew she was not that annoying naive girl anymore, she had been through too much. But that she didn’t mean she know who she was, because she sure as hell wasn’t a wife or a mother.

April realized that she had subconsciously picked their on-call room. The on-call room where April and Jackson had spent their early days when they couldn’t keep their hands off each other. The on-call room where they would sneak off to when they were hiding their marriage. The on-call room where they had spent so many nights entwined together.

She sat up in the dark room. April had to accept that she wasn’t going to get any sleep in this room tonight. Feeling restless, she opened the door and walked straight into Deluca, the intern, whose armful of supplies went flying down the hallway.

“Oh my god. I am so sorry,” April bent down to help pick up everything.

“No no no. My fault. Sorry, Dr. Kepner” He realized that finding all the loose debris was a losing battle.

“Here, I’ll help you restock,” she makes her way towards the supply closet.

“Oh no, you don’t have to do that,”

“It’s okay. I don’t have anything better to do,” they walked in silence for a few seconds. “Graveyard shift?” April asked as they reached the closet.

“Yeah. Third one this week. I don’t think Webber is fond of me,” Deluca mumbled. They began making a new pile of supplies.

“I don’t know about that. But everyone has to do graveyard shifts, it is part of being an intern. I remember my intern year, we would play games like capture the flag when it got slow, just to stay alert,” She smiled at the memory. It was Charles’s idea at first, hide a hospital gown or scrub top, whoever found it had to run it to the locker room without being caught. Reed always thought it was too juvenile and April would pretend she agreed even though she was longing to play. But some nights when the boredom was too much, April couldn’t help herself. There was one instance, where she found the top, pretended to be dead, and had an orderly roll her to home base.

‘Damn April, who knew you had it in,’ Jackson laughed as he clapped her on the back. April remembered falling asleep that night, smiling that the cute intern had finally noticed her today. Of course, that was a million years ago.

She heard Deluca ask another question.

“What?”

“I asked, whether you ever won?” This caused April to laugh for the first time all day.

“You bet your ass I did.”

“Well thank you and maybe I’ll turn the pit into a hockey rink. See if I can’t get my own game going,” He picked up the supply pile and did an awkward head nod goodbye as he walked out the door, leaving April alone in the closest. She turned to leave when she realized what a mess Deluca had left the place. See this is why people hate interns, she thought to herself. Her inner clean-freak wouldn’t let her leave until the supply closet was somewhat organized. She putting a bedpan away when she spots something from the corner of her eye. It wasn’t large or shiny, but April felt her eyes drawn to the object. She reaches down and picks up it without thinking, it was a standard pregnancy test. How was it that something so small could hold so much weight?

April couldn’t help but think back on the two occasions she had to use them. The first had been the ill-fated pregnancy scare that had sent Jackson and her retreating away from each other, too scared to deal with the depth of their feelings. The second time had been just as inopportune as the first. They had a terrible argument that caused her to stay at Callie and Arizona’s house. She had picked a fight and pushed him until he cracked, she knew that. She was just so scared at how different their beliefs were. How were they going to raise a family together if they couldn’t even agree on such an important part of who she was?

April had run away to her friends’ house. It was there that she figured out why she was being so emotional. She was late, very late. She had been so wrapped up in married life that she hadn’t put it together, not until she had seen one of Callie and Arizona’s pregnancy tests bought in their excitement of trying for another kid. April remembered sitting in the bathroom for a long time, staring at the box. She finally got enough courage to use the test and after three terrifying minutes, there was no denying the plus sign. She was never the same after that moment. She became a mother. Even when Samuel died, she could never go back to who she was before. That person had died along with her son.

She grew up believing God doesn’t give you anything that you can’t handle. God has a plan for everything and everyone. When God closes a door, he opens a window. Standing in this supply closet, April did not feel his guidance. She just felt stupid. What was the point? Why had it turned out like this?

On the day of Samuel’s birth and death, April had felt that God was laughing at her, even in her grief she had felt his presence. But now, April stared at the pregnancy test and thought about all that could have been and all that she lost, she felt no presence at all

She needed to be far away from the hospital. She ran from the supplies closet only stopping to grab her keys from the attendings’ lounge. As she reached her car, the sky was getting lighter in the morning dawn. She didn’t even bother turning on any lights when she made it home. She walked straight into bedroom and the minute her head touched the pillow, April fell thankfully and dreamlessly asleep.

#JAPRIL #japriledit #jackson avery #april kepner #jackson x april #jackson and april #april and jackson #grey's anatomy #ga #goodbye until tomorrow #if you thought the last chapter was sad #booooiii it only gets worse from here

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toomanyfeelings5 · 8 years ago

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the rotten job, part 1

get pumped for a gay shakespeare leverage au from someone who’s never seen leverage. how niche is this? impossible to tell.

all the titles for these little bits are from the mountain goats’ album beat the champ.

major shout-out to @ophelia-thinks for coming up with this wacky au idea.

here it is, below the cut:

1. “foreign object”

“shit--fuck--”

kate breaks his nose.

guard #10--tall, lithe, baggy uniform, the shade of blond that calls to mind hospital lights--manages, “go to hell.”

she smiles, blood in her mouth. spits it onto the cold concrete floor. the iron taste lingers. “you gonna tell me where mrs. regina goldfeather iii is being held?”

more muffled cursing. jesus, this guy’s a real mumbler. she reaches up to squeeze his neck, just a little. leans in real close. her noise wrinkles at the axe body spray. “did you hear me? or am i going to have to repeat myself?”

finally, after he flinches, adam’s apple bobbing under her palm, voice thick: “down the hall, make a left. last door on the right.”

“there.” kate knocks him out--easy, really, when they’re this close. “was that so hard?”

“minola,” her earpiece crackles, nasally voice low and grating in the static. “get a move on. we don’t have time for this--”

“h,” kate huffs as she jogs down the hallway, ankle throbbing, right eye swelling shut. “c’mon. i’m a professional.”

“you keep saying that, and yet--”

“and yet you need to shut the hell up. i need to find the holding cell.”

there’s breathing of some sort cutting into her ear--horatio is an expert in long-suffering sighs--and after a few minutes of breathing hard, of sweat dripping down her back, of coughing up god knows what, kate gets to the door.

“fuck you,” she tells the door, and kicks it wide open.

the room is tiny and dirty, with one cracked lamp flickering from the ceiling, dust floating in the air, rusted file cabinets lining the walls. there are three men and two women unconscious on the ground.

none of that matters.

kate grins wide, front tooth chipped, voice hoarse. “i win.”

portia rolls her eyes as she finishes untying herself. “bless your heart. this was all me.”

“how d’you think we’re getting out, hm? the guards didn’t neutralize themselves, sweetheart.”

“we’re not undercover anymore.” portia fixes her wig, fake red ringlets spilling behind her in graceful arcs. “you don’t have to call me that.”

kate shrugs, ignoring the protest of her bruised shoulder. “regardless, darling, you have to admit that i saved your sorry ass. that’s....what, twenty to nineteen?”

“no, you--” portia’s round face changes, frowns slightly. she’s such a sore fucking loser. “next time, you’re the one who’s going to need saving--”

“ladies,” horatio snaps into their earpieces. “we are on a schedule here. i can’t break into their databases if i don’t know what i’m looking for. you have the intel, you get out and get to the safe-house. now.”

“of course,” portia says, slipping into her real voice, new yorker drawl back in place. “we’ll be perfectly punctual. won’t we, mrs. pauline goldfeather?”

kate raises an eyebrow. “yes,” she says, and refuses to break eye contact. it’s been a long two weeks of pretending to sip wine, of getting government gossip out of marcellus’s cousin, of showing off her stolen diamond ring, of holding hands and linking arms and selling every last piece of it. stuff like that was portia’s thing, usually. kate’s never been any good at it. she had really tried, once, to be what her father wanted her to be, to be what her husband wanted her to be. still. she had smiled when their bodies were lowered into the ground. car accident on the way to a men’s rights protest. in the end, she’d had the last fucking laugh.

it’s been good to finally break some knee caps.

kate glances at portia’s lipstick, bright red, designed to attract attention, to distract form the cold and merciless glint in her eyes.

every last piece. kate shakes her head. it’s strange to know what your co-worker tastes like. “let’s go.”

2. “animal mask”

it’s 11:30am in the 24-hour diner on a friday. traffic had been shit, as usual. the service is slow, as usual. the music is too loud, as usual. nerissa is late, as usual.

“sorry,” she says, not sounding very sorry at all. as usual. “work ran later than i thought.”

“it always does.”

“yeah, yeah. you order for me?”

portia raises an eyebrow. “turkey BLT on rye, no mayo, extra bacon.”

nerissa nearly cackles. “i’ve got you trained.”

“you wish.”

they get their coffees. there’s a couple of families seated near them--a baby’s giggles pierce through the top 40, an old woman chides a kid who must be her grandson about the way he holds his fork. there’s a lot of chatter about work, the kids, the new apartment, the news.

portia stirs in cream. “can you help us?”

nerissa grabs another sugar packet. “with what? espionage? smuggling drugs? identity theft? murder? world domination?”

“world domination, definitely,” portia says, smiling despite herself.

“excellent. you’ll pay me my fee, right?”

“of course.”

“good.” nerissa sips her coffee, sweetened to her liking. “but seriously, what do you need?”

“i need you to look into cases involving nathaniel fortinbras and claudius hansen.”

“those guys? aren’t they the ones who--?”

the waiter brings them their food, uncommonly on time. nerissa immediately starts eating the fries that come with her sandwich, and portia’s glad that her eggs benedict has enough sauce.

after a while-- “yeah, but i gotta watch the game tonight,” a woman tells her husband, jabbing a finger at her yankees hat-- portia asks, “you know who they are, right? there was that big scandal and everything?”

“yeah,” nerissa says with her mouth full. “yeah, i remember our office had bets going on whether or not they could all get away with it. huge legal fallout. i got fifty bucks out of it though.”

“mhm.” portia wipes her mouth with the cheap napkin. “look into him, bother your lawyer coworkers about it, dig up whatever you can. i’ll let you know specifics over email.”

“right, yeah. the super secret one.”

“yes, that.”

“god, you were always a bit shady--don’t give me that look, you know it’s true--but this is next-level.” nerissa laughs incredulously. “portia the vigilante. never thought i’d see the day.”

portia sighs. she can’t believe it either, on most days. every morning, she looks at herself in the mirror, and every morning she can never quite recognize the face that stares back at her. she picks at her eggs. “i can’t--after what happened...you know i had to start over.”

nerissa nods. she stops bouncing her leg. “yeah,” she says, brown eyes softening. “yeah, i get it. well, i don’t get it, i have no idea what you’re up to half the time, but. you know what i mean.”

portia smiles. “i know.”

after a moment, nerissa takes a bite out of her BLT and smirks in that terribly smug, familiar way of hers. portia braces herself as she asks, “so what’s up with you and minola?”

portia chews on her ham before saying flatly, “haven’t been in touch with her recently. last i knew she was visiting her sister. so i suppose...nothing much. it’s the same as it’s been.”

nerissa laughs hard enough that lettuce flies out of her mouth. portia tries very hard not to notice. her father had always demanded perfect manners.

“bullshit,” nerissa all but commands. “you guys have hooked up at least, right? like, i’m not crazy about this, am i?”

portia carefully swallows her piece of egg. “...there was this one job last month--infiltration at a number of high-profile galas and fundraisers, we needed some intel--and we....minola and i were undercover as an influential married couple, and--”

“you’re shitting me.”

“no, i’m not joking. we needed to do that in order to get closer to fortinbras’s people. he’s looking to widen his donor base for corporate funds, wants to pretend to be more inclusive--”

“yeah, but you’ve been friends with benefits before that. why haven’t you just asked her out already?”

portia gives her a look, and barely stops a smile from creeping across her mouth. it’s a relief, in the end, to shed masks, to talk as herself. or, at least, it’s nice to pretend to be normal. she’s been doing that her whole life. “minola’s my coworker, rissa. and she’s a disaster. she is! she gets into cage fights for fun!”

“sounds pretty hot to me--”

“oh my god. we are not talking about this anymore. it’s completely casual, not like...never mind. what about you, hm? what about you and celia? don’t think i haven’t seen those instagram photos--”

her phone buzzes.

portia holds up a finger to nerissa’s spluttering and reads: she wants you at the office in 20.

“what?” nerissa asks, eager to change subjects. “what is it?”

“i have to leave.”

“seriously?”

“yes. i’m...i’m sorry.”

portia doesn’t apologize often.

nerissa nods, because she knows this. “it’s ok, i have to get back to work soon anyway. i’ll look into the stuff you want me to.”

“thank you.”

nerissa shrugs. “what are friends for?”

“yeah, yeah.”

portia promises to pay her back later, slides out of the booth, and glances at the text again: she wants you at the office in 20.

horatio didn’t need to clarify who she was talking about. with her, everything is always about one person and one person only.

portia floors the gas in her mercedes. the traffic had better not be shit. “duty calls,” she mutters to herself, and she hopes the boss won’t be too pissed if she’s late.

#shakespeare #leverage #fic #idk about this but shrugs #it's been fun to write

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bnymedic · 5 years ago

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First responder suicide – PTSD, or something else?

Its 1:30am. I sit on my computer in complete darkness, having just slept for the past 10 hours. As a Paramedic in a suburb of a relatively small US city, I work 12 hours shifts for 4 straight days. I get 4 days off to recuperate after that, and at this point in my career those days are essential for my survival. Many of my co-workers are not lucky enough to be able to stop at just 4 days, and must work additional overtime shifts in order to make ends meet. The private EMS industry has relatively low wages nationwide. We are the “red headed step child” of emergency services, often hiding in the shadows of police officers, firefighters, and nurses. There is no such thing as a “typical” shift when working in EMS. There are the occasional shifts where I will sit in the parking lot of the local convenience store chain for 12 straight hours without picking up a single patient. The glow of my cell phone screen illuminating my face for each passing person to see the life draining out of my body. The boredom sets in after hour 2. My legs and butt hurt. I am hungry, but I can’t tell if its true hunger or just my body telling me to get up and move. I decide to walk inside to browse the aisles of colorful treats, getting nauseous at the thought of eating “lunch” out of a gas station at midnight for the 3rd day in a row. Despite my disgust, I walk outside with 2,000 or more calories of junk food at a time in an attempt to eat myself to death. “Ill be diabetic by the end of the week” I say to my partner as I open my fudge dipped granola bar. As the career of a first responder goes on, most quickly start to pack on the pounds like a bear preparing for winter. Company policy prevents you from sleeping during your shift, so your food (if you can call it that) is washed down with 16oz of your favorite energy drink to keep you awake and ready to pick grandma up off the floor when she attempts her 2am bathroom run. I have palpitations from all the caffeine. Hopefully one day those PVC’s turn into an arrhythmia and the lord takes me. “Anything to get out of this job” I say, as I polish off my second monster of the night. Morning rolls around. 50mg of benadryl will help me fall asleep after drinking energy drinks all night long. I have severe shift sleep disorder. I am depressed. I just want to sleep. I wake up ready to go after just 4 hours of sleep. Great. Another night of pounding monsters. I punch in 15 minutes early for my next shift and am assigned a call before I am even scheduled to start. I am the only ambulance available in the surrounding 15 square miles of suburbia, and that trend will continue for the next 12 hours. Call after call, I don’t have time to finish my paperwork before being sent on the next run. Its 11pm and dispatch calls my unit number for the 5th time today– “With the fire department for a 1 year old post choking”. I have taken 50 calls of the same nature before and say out loud– “Great, another bullshit call”. Every day, nervous parents call 911 over the slightest cough or sniffle which eventually numbs you to the potential of a true pediatric emergency. Its never a real emergency. Until it is. Rolling up on scene after the fire department, I grab my house bag and begin to waddle towards the low income apartment building for the third time this week. I think – “I should have brought the tablet for a signature so I don’t have to walk back outside”. Suddenly, a firefighter rounds the corner carrying a limp child like he is holding an offering platter. “That’s not good” I blurt out , going from zero to 100 in the snap of a finger. The firefighter tells me the child was eating chicken and rice when he began to choke. As my partner digs out the pediatric bag valve mask that has been sitting unused in the house bag for an unknown number of years, I set up the suction, only to find an unresponsive, apneic child with a clenched jaw. “That doesn’t make sense” I think to myself as I try to peel apart his tiny jaw without any luck. Thank god– he has a gap in his front tooth that fits a small, 12fr suction catheter. I start to go through the motions. Is he seizing? Nope. Any trauma visible or reported? No. Mom was asked again– and again says the child was sitting up, eating, and suddenly started choking. What is going on here? With little to be done on scene, I rush to the small local hospital, nervous that the next squeeze of the bag could lodge a piece of food in this kids airway. I am getting good air exchange but his spo2 isn’t amazing. He must have aspirated. Great news. He is now moving his arms, and his eyes just opened. Wait, why is his jaw still clenched? That’s not great news. This kid hasn’t made a noise. What the fuck is going on. As I roll the stretcher into the small emergency room closest to the scene, I am greeted with that dreaded sentence from the ER Physician– “why did you bring him here and not children’s hospital”. I bite my tongue– its not the time to have that fight. The kid is now posturing. A few minutes go by and the doctor asks me to get my laryngoscope because the emergency room is not currently stocked with the proper pediatric equipment. Maybe he was right. The thoughts start rushing through my head– “they are going to kill this kid. I should have just risked it and bypassed. It was only an extra 7 minutes or so further”. As I sit there and wait for the next order, new thoughts take over. “Someone shook this kid. There is no other explanation”. Hypertensive, bradycardic, posturing. But mom said he was choking on rice? Where would she get that from? Hmm. She doesn’t seem as concerned as a mother should be. She answers a text message while being questioned by the police. She has yet to ask anyone how her son is doing. The texts start to come in to my phone. “Are you ok?”. “I hear you had a bad call. You guys ok?” “WTF was that all about?”. I am fine. Any provider who plans to have a lengthy career has to distance themselves from their patients. I can think back to every “bad” call I’ve taken, and never once have I been able to recall processing a patients face. Its not important. What they look like is irrelevant to my job. Its the circle of life. Some people live, some people die. Its my job to try and make that circle a little bit bigger if I can. Sometimes you are successful, sometimes you aren’t. You have to come to terms with that early on. Minutes after calling in service from restocking, the radio chimes my unit number again. “Cold response to the fitness center for a hand laceration”. I arrive on scene to find a psych standing out front in his blue paper clothes, clearly having been to an emergency room at least once today. “Hop on in buddy– take a seat” I say as I shake my head. We drive him 3 blocks down the street to the same emergency room we left just a couple hours prior. I am not greeted like one would expect. Not with “Hello”, not with “whats the chief complaint”. I am greeted with a sentence that is never good news. “Did you hear?”. Our child from earlier had been emergently transferred 6 miles away to the childrens hospital by a specialty transport team. The news from them was not good. “That kid – he has a brain bleed”. My suspicions were confirmed. He was never choking. Someone hurt this kid and tried to cover it up. I know how to handle this, because its not even the first time this situation has happened to me. People hurt kids often enough that I am not even shocked. Stories like this don’t make the news *for a reason*. People cant handle stuff like this. No one needs to know that savages live in apartment 3. Some people have to know though. WE have to know. Its not OK. I talk about suicide often. My previous partner was a veteran and has PTSD from being deployed overseas. He has had many friends commit suicide after returning from war, and was concerned about my mental health. That should concern me. He would ask me once a week– “Are you sure you are ok?”. My little comments here and there come off as jokes to most people. “Id rather die than come into work tonight”. “Pull out in front of this semi truck– we wont feel a thing I promise”. “Stage for police? Fuck that. I hope I get shot”. In reality, its not a joke. I am not suicidal at this point in my life– I am apathetic about living. I’m not going to take my own life, but I am definitely not excited when I wake up each morning. This feeling has slowly crept up on me over my almost 10 year career as a paramedic. I tell myself daily that I need to get out before its too late. What will be the breaking point where I become truly suicidal? I have to answer one question before I leave. “Where will I go?” I am burnt out. Everyone says “go to nursing school”, but the passion– the fire inside that makes you want to help people has been extinguished for years. Where can you go at 30+ years old with a paramedic certification and no useful degree. I have made financial commitments at my age that makes starting from scratch somewhere at entry level wages an impossibility. What can I do? Where can I go? I am stuck. This job is like quick sand, and I’m up to my shoulders. If I struggle much more it will be above my head. We get to see what goes on behind the curtains of society. How much would you enjoy a magic show if you knew how the magic was performed? That is what life is like for many first responders. Members of the general public get to wear blinders during their day to day lives. There are people who post rants to facebook if the garbage man didn’t put their garbage can back in the correct spot. A terrible day for a typical person is a flat tire on the way home from work. They have no idea what happens in their town or city on a day to day basis. They have NO IDEA that 3 doors down, a husband beat the shit out of his wife for the 4rd time this year and she wont tell the police what happened. They have NO IDEA that people call an ambulance from the parking lot of an emergency room because they don’t want to wait in the waiting room. They have NO IDEA that someone in apartment 3 just hurt their baby and tried to cover it up. But we know. We see it all. I have talked with a lot of people who have similar feelings. Its due to me being so open about my apathy towards life. People who I see every day, smiling at their coworkers and telling war stories and laughing. You would never guess these people were at the end of their ropes– fighting off their own demons. “Make sure they have bagpipes at my funeral”. I don’t try and talk these people down because they don’t want help. How could I help anyways? You cant just “un-know” the things we know. These people just feel comfort in the fact that they aren’t alone. I have been lucky that none of these people have taken their lives yet. I know the day is coming. Its been a long time since a co-worker has committed suicide, and the statistics say we are over-due. How will I handle it?

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6gpymfzi-blog · 5 years ago

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optimisticpoetrypost-blog · 7 years ago

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Will my car insurance go up drastically when I buy a new car?

"Will my car insurance go up drastically when I buy a new car?

I am looking to buy a new Honda, Accord in a few months and I was wondering how much my insurance will go up seeing how I am 18. Someone said it would be $3000 more a year so please help!!!!

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://freeautoinsurance.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr