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trippinsorrows · 5 months ago

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with me + part nineteen

authors note: the infamous chapter is finally here! a lot of questions you all have asked me are finally answered. i hope it's enjoyable and worth the wait!

status: in progress // masterlist

warnings: angst (discussion of child loss), language, suggestive themes

song inspo: with me by destiny’s child

faceclaims

words: 10k

taglist: @pixiedust4000 @yolobloggers @msbigredmachine @southerngirl41 @wanderingreigns @romanreignsbae

To say your 2024 Bingo card has been filled with nothing but surprises would be the understatement of the century.

The past six months, really, have been mostly wonderful but also chaotic as hell.

And if someone had told you, way back when it was just you and Joe in your own little fantasy world, that his wife would one day text you in the middle of the night, wanting to meet and join forces to combat your apparently psycho-ex best friend, you’d laugh your ass off. Laugh your ass off harder than a guest at a Katt Williams special.

But, life is funny, and God clearly has a sense of humor, because that’s exactly what happened.

It’s also why you’re sitting on Joe’s bathroom counter at 4am as he finishes up in the shower, readying for his early flight.

“I’m sorry, it completely slipped my mind to tell you I gave her your number.” Joe shuts the water off, and you immediately redirect your attention to anywhere but him as he walks out. It’s bad enough you two didn’t have enough time to get in another session before his departure, but it’s another thing to be so cruelly taunted by your sexy ass man in all his buff, your favorite pastime on fully display but unable to be touched.

Sucked.

Rode.

All of the above.

Joe continues, and your eyes land on him just as he’s knotting the towel around his waist.

“I should have asked you before I did so, but with everything going on—”

“You don’t have to apologize, Joe.” Cutting off his unnecessary apology feels like a good move, the right move. You’re not mad at him about that at all. “I know you would have never done so if you believed she had any ill intent.” And it’s the truth, especially on the eve of this Mariah mess. “Sure, I would have liked a heads up that my boyfriend’s ex-wife would be texting me asking to meet and essentially do an interview together, but it wasn’t a necessity.”

He chuckles, looking over and asking, “what are your thoughts there?”

A heavy sigh leaves your mouth at his equally heavy question. “I don’t know. I feel torn. On one hand, it’s kinda weird, ya know? Truth be told, I always figured if by some miracle I ever spoke to her, she’d try to kick my ass sooner than she’d want to grab dinner.” You quickly add, “emphasis on try because ain’t no bitch beating my ass.”

He chuckles, reaching for his deodorant. “Well, you better not be fighting nobody with my baby in you.”

Rolling your eyes, your hand naturally rests on your stomach. “I know, I just….what do you think?”

“I think you should do whatever makes you most comfortable.”

“None of this is comfortable,” you murmur, and it’s the truth. This whole thing sucks all around. “And that’s not an answer.”

He shrugs. “I can’t tell you what to do, babe.”

“Technically, you can, but you’re choosing not to. There’s a difference.”

Joe moves over and caresses your temple, sharing quietly, “I want you and Callie to come down to Philly a few days before WrestleMania. They’ll put me up in an Airbnb. I’ll make sure it’s big enough for all of us.”

The abrupt change of topic confuses you, yes, but there’s more excitement at the thought of being reunited with him than bewilderment. It brings a small smile to your face. “Are you sure?” Any chance to see Joe will always be taken advantage of, you just don’t want your and Callie’s visiting him at such a time to cause any sort of distraction. “I don’t want us to get in the way. You need to focus.”

“You two could never get in the way, and my focus is exactly where it should be.” His hand snakes under your shirt, feeling your soft belly. “I also want you to come to the Hall of Fame Awards with me.”

That definitely takes you by surprise. You’ve never attended any sort of formal, public event with him before, and the WWE Hall of Fame awards is like the event. “Are—are you sure that’s a good idea?” Being careful with your words and honest with yourself, you confess, “I’m not sure if it’s a good look for you to be seen so publicly and openly with me right now. Your fans already kinda hate me.”

Limiting your media consumption has been a saving grace in all this. Not that you were big on it to begin with. However, you have read a couple articles and made the even bigger mistake of reading the comments. To say some, if not most, of the internet wrestling community have nothing nice to say about you would be putting it lightly.

There’s people cussing you out, people saying you should burn in hell for what you did, even some saying if Joe (Roman) loses at WrestleMania, it’ll be your fault.

That last one is at least a little funny to you, because for such big fans, they sure don’t know how WWE works.

Roman’s gonna retain the same way he has for almost three years.

Ain’t shit stopping that.

“I told you before, and I’ll keep saying it until I’m blue in the face—I don’t give a fuck what they have to say about us. I love you, and I’m going to be with you, regardless of what anyone thinks. The Hall of Fame, Wrestlemania, hell, I’ll take you in the fucking ring with me if I want to.” His defense is so strong in its delivery and conviction that it almost instantly takes away any and all reservations on your end. “And they’re not fans if they have some negative shit to say about the woman I love.”

“Well, in their defense, Mariah did a damn good job making me out to be some Jezebel.”

“That’s partially why I think you should do the Live with Jadah.” His tone and expression soften, thumb rubbing against your stomach. “They don’t know you like I do, and they don’t need to per se, but they can at least see you’re not what she’s made you out to be.” He brings his mouth to your temple, lips lingering. “They can see why I love you so much.”

“Knew you had an opinion on what you think I should do.” But, regardless, you’re thankful for him truly allowing you to decide what is best for you. And you think you have. With a big breath, you settle on your final answer. “I’m gonna do it, but not even to let people see I’m not this horrible person. I just….I haven’t really had a chance to use my voice in any of this. Like…..” You work hard to help him understand where you’re coming from. “I didn’t have a voice in the DCFS situation outside of defending my parenting, but in this….there’s a chance for me to speak my side, to be able to defend myself. And I feel like I need to do it.”

“I agree.” You’re not surprised. Joe is anything and everything, including forever supportive. “Ya’ll are gonna use my Instagram to do it too.”

“Wait, what?”

“Baby, Jadah doesn’t have any social media, and you don’t need all them damn people on your page, nor do you want that.” He’s right. You hadn’t thought of it that way. “Mariah had an audience. You get one too.”

Fair. Very fair. “Okay.”

He taps your hip, informing. “I’ll leave you the login info." It sometimes still amazes you how much he trusts you, how easy it is for share so many things with you that are objectively personal. His banking information, his fucking social medias that are literally tied to his career.

It means the world for him to have so much trust in you.

“We’re going to Disney after Mania.”

Joe is just full of surprises, jumping from subject to subject. “What? I thought we were going for Callie’s birthday.”

“We are, for a second time, but the first time is gonna be that Tuesday after Mania. A day for you and Callie to rest.”

You’re still trying to settle on the fact that this man is proposing two Disney visits literally back to back when something else hits you. “Wait, the week after WrestleMania? Don’t you have to work?”

“I’ve got it handled,” is all he says, all he offers, all he provides.

“Joe, what does that even mean? How does that work? How do you just win WrestleMania and disappear right after?” Something’s not adding up. There’s something he’s not telling you, and it pisses you off for a lot of reasons, but mostly because you just hate being kept in the dark. “Is it being written into the storyline or—”

“I’ve got it handled, okay?” His tone is exasperated, which you find ironic considering you’re the one on the receiving end of his vague ass answers. “Just….trust me.”

That’s a hard one. Not trusting him. That comes second nature at this point, but trusting him and not knowing if whatever he’s handled causes any sort of problems for him. You worry about any hits he might take sometimes because of his decisions that are usually for the sake of you and Callie.

It shouldn’t bother you, but it does, especially because you know how important his career is to him.

“What about you?” That’s your biggest concern. This man has been ripping and running for what feels like months. He deserves a vacation. He needs a vacation. If he’s gonna be off for a couple days at least, why not use them to recharge? “You need to rest too, Joe. I can tell you’re exhausted, baby. There’s no need for us to go twice. We can just stick with May for her birthday.”

He shakes his head, preparing a guaranteed disagreement. “You’re gonna be five months pregnant by then. You don’t need to be walking around a damn amusement park while that far along. I don’t know if you’ll even want to.”

“Baby, trust me when I tell you, I could be nine months pregnant, and I’m still going to waddle my big ass around that park. I’m fighting any kid that tries to get in my or Callie’s way.”

He shakes his head, muttering, “the May visit might not happen if your ass gets us banned.”

“I can behave,” you murmur, recognizing you’re being a bit dramatic. Just a smidge. Disney has been a dream visit since you were a kid, so there's an immense amount of excitement at going.

“And why are we going twice anyway?” Eyes narrowing in suspicion, you realize and point out, “you’re up to something, aren’t you?” He rolls his eyes but says nothing. “You are. Oh my God, Joe, you’ve already done so much for us, we don’t need anything else. I don’t need anything else.”

It’s the truth, too. Going to Disney twice in one year when some people never get to go at all is absolutely not a necessity. No matter whatever he clearly has planned that requires two trips.

Joe looks like he wants to say something but decides against it. Annoying ass. “It better not have anything to do with a damn dog.” He laughs. “Especially with me pregnant now. Two kids under the age of 5 is gonna be a lot in and of itself.” Since you’re already on the subject, you add, “I’ve been thinking maybe my mom can come stay with us a little after the baby is born? So, I can have some help when you can’t be there.”

There’s something in Joe's expression that gives you pause, like he wants to say something but decides against it. “And I mean, I’d be fine with your mom coming too, I just—another adult will be great.” You throw that out, an honest thing, thinking maybe he’s wondering why it always has to be your mom and not more of his side of the family.

Although deep down, you know that’s not it.

“Of course, whatever you want.” He kisses your forehead and moves away to finish getting ready to go.

As much as you don’t want to feel annoyed, you do. This is at least the second or third time you’ve tried to broach the subject of post-baby, and he’s been elusive, borderline dismissive.

It’s hard to tell if it’s because he’s maybe nervous about something, if he truly doesn’t understand why you’re wanting to discuss this now, or something else, but regardless, it’s annoying.

And you don’t like it.

You don’t like it at all.

———-

Things happen fast in Florida, or maybe it’s just you and the reality show that your life has been the past week or so.

Because one minute you’re celebrating an unexpected but welcomed pregnancy, and the next you’re the subject of major media articles, publications, and news segments. Followed up with being hit up by your boyfriend’s ex-wife, the same wife he had when you first started sleeping with him.

The same woman who you’re anxiously awaiting to ring your doorbell at any minute now.

The silence of the large house doesn’t help either. You're greatly wishing you could be distracted by Callie’s loud singing, running around, laughter, something. But, you asked Alexis to take her out for a few hours for you, not wanting her to be around in the event that things turn ugly.

And that’s a bit of an irrational belief on your part.

You would have never invited her over, accepted her invitation, agreed to even meet with her if there was any thought in the back of your mind that she has any ulterior motives. In a weird twist of fate, you’re both kind of in the same position, the subject of all kinds of public scrutiny. Granted, from what you have seen on social media, majority of the people are on her “side.” Some going even as far as starting and using the hashtag #TeamJadah.

And you can understand that, understand why the public would “side” with the wife versus the mistress, but it’s also based upon a shit ton of Mariah’s lies and smear campaigns that have painted you in such an ugly light.

That’s ultimately why you’ve agreed to this, agreed to this highly uncomfortable team up, because it’s the only and best way to reclaim your voice.

To reclaim your narrative.

The sound of the doorbell ringing literally makes you jump from where you sit criss-crossed on the new expensive ass sofa Joe picked out for the house. It is comfortable though, and for a second, you almost choose to stay in the comfort of the sofa versus answering the door.

But, you know that’s not an option, for Jadah to fly out on such short notice only to be stood up by the other woman.

It’s not a good look.

Clearly.

So with a deep breath and quick mental pep talk, your feet carry you to the door that you unlock and hesitate only a second before opening.

Instantly, you’re hit with two things: the sweet smell of Jadah’s perfume and Jadah herself. Right off the bat, you can’t get over how gorgeous she is. Her deep complexion is absolutely flawless and moisturized as hell, thick eyebrows that frame her almost slender facial shape perfectly. Full lips pulled back into a sly smile. She’s wearing a pair of jeans and thin sleeved top that show off her shape, both slim and thick where it counts.

She’s as drop dead gorgeous as you imagined her to be. You can’t be attractive as Joe is without someone to match your aura.

“Well, let no one say Joe doesn’t have good taste. You’re even prettier in person.”

Receiving compliments from your boyfriend’s ex-wife was also nowhere on your 2024 bingo card, but clearly all projections need to be discarded at this point with how many stunners have happened.

“Thank you.” It’s strange. You’ve always been super good with compliments, taking them at face value, because you know that you’re pretty, always having the high self-esteem to recognize as such. But, hearing it come from her of all people feels a little…..off. Like, she shouldn’t be complimenting you. “Umm, come in, please.”

She does so, walking and looking around, almost inspecting. “This place is beautiful.”

All of the compliments are throwing you. It’s not what you were expecting. Then again, you’re not sure just what you were expecting.

“Thanks. Do you…want some water or something?”

She shakes her head, “I’m good, thank you.” Jadah gestures with a manicured finger between the kitchen and the living room. “Preference?”

Shaking your head, you leave that up to her. “Whatever you like.”

She nods and heads into the living room, sitting down on the sofa where you just sat, anxiously awaiting her arrival. Wordlessly, you follow suit, sitting on the sofa opposite of her.

“Thank you for agreeing to this,” she says, placing her purse on the coffee table. “I know me reaching out must have taken you for a loop.”

“A little.” A lot. But, she doesn’t need to know that. “I—I can understand why. I’m so sorry you got caught up in all of this.”

“One thing you don’t have to do is apologize. For any of this. For anything. From what Joe told me, this girl is just psycho and has some weird obsession with trying to ruin your life.”

Scoffing bitterly, you can’t find a point to disagree with. “That sounds about right….”

No one says anything for a good, solid minute. Or two.

“Okay, why don’t we get the awkward part over.” Her voice takes on a new tone, one similar to boredom and insouciance. “We both dated and slept with the same man. I happened to be married to said man when you started sleeping with him, but that shit doesn’t even matter, cause you already know what our deal was.”

The deal…..

No, you have no idea what the deal was. That’s part of why you’re happy to finally be talking to her, because you have so many questions. Granted, that’s not the reason she’s here in the first place but still.

Your facial expression must give away the confusion because Jadah’s indifferent tone shifts to something else, something more serious. “Y/N…..how much do you know about my marriage to Joe?”

It’s a bit difficult for you to navigate how honest you should or shouldn’t be with her. She’s a stranger for all intents and purposes, but given why you two are now even sitting across from each other, maybe honesty is the best option. “He’s never really said anything about you or his marriage, and I won’t lie to you, it’s not like I’ve made a lot of effort to find out.”

There’s a part of you that still struggles with a level of guilt for the intentionality you had at the beginning of dating Joe to not ask about his wife, to pretend that you didn't see the wedding band on his finger.

Avoidance makes justification a hell of a lot easier.

She chuckles, gaze settling on her lap. “I shouldn’t be surprised. Joe’s always been a good man. He was probably trying to protect me, protect my privacy.” Jadah shakes her head. “The irony, huh?” She leans forward, hands on her knees. “Alright, we’re doing this.” She seems to be speaking more to herself than anything, and you get it fully. You’re still giving yourself mental pep-talks just sitting across from her. “I’m gonna tell you the truth about us, but I’m telling you now, certain things Joe, even with how much he clearly loves you, may never talk about. Really, it’s years of therapy that’s why I can talk about it now.” On one hand, the warning is appreciated. On the other hand, it only increases your anxiety at whatever you’re about to hear. “I also have this thing where I use dark humor to cope with heavy shit, so just pretend like you don’t notice.”

The conversation with Kaylah in Vegas returns to the forefront of your mind, and you start to feel bad for opening the door for Jadah to have to revisit a clearly painful past. But before you can protest, she starts sharing.

“Joe and I met in college. I was 20, going on 21, and he was 22. He was playing football, I played soccer. I thought he was attractive and vice versa. We had a class together, and I approached him first. Next thing I know, we’re fuck buddies. It wasn’t romantic. We didn’t go on dates. He didn’t want that, and neither did I. It was just sex.” She says it so simply, so casually, and for a second, your mind goes towards comparisons. That’s kind of similar to how it was with you and Joe at the beginning. Just all about sex.

“Well, like two dumb college kids, we were having unprotected sex, and we both know what can happen there. I ended up getting pregnant. And this….this is where shit gets bad, because both his family and my family were of the belief that because we were having a child together that we should get married, so guess what we did?” She rolls her eyes, leaning back into the sofa. “I think that might have been our first mistake.”

A mistake….

Joe has also made a comment at least once or twice insinuating he viewed the marriage as a mistake. Had stated they initially married for the wrong reasons, and hearing the full story, you sort of agree.

It’s such an outdated belief that two people need to be married in order to have a child.

“We did it, we got married. My family is in real estate, so we moved into an apartment they owned off campus and prepared for the baby. That was really the only time we talked and interacted. When it had something to do with the baby. And looking back on that, I can see now that even if we wanted it to work, it wouldn’t have. I felt nothing for him outside of the fact that we were having a baby together, and I know he would say the same because we discussed as such when we finally decided to get divorced. But, I’m jumping ahead of myself.”

Slowing down would be wonderful, because this is a lot for you to take in and digest. Jadah sounds like she’s essentially stating she never loved Joe, never had feelings for him. And it seems like he felt the same way, like they were only trying to make it work for the sake of the baby and their families.

She’s quiet for a second, and you already know the next thing that’s about to come out of her mouth. “There’s—there’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just say it.” Another pause. “We lost the baby. I–I had a stillbirth. I was just about 8 months along. I—grief is so damn weird, because some days I’m okay, and then others, I feel like it just happened.”

Shaking your head, you advise gently, “Jadah, you don’t—”

She lifts her hand, stopping you as she explains, “today….today is an okay day. I’m….I’m good.” And you hope, for her sake, that she’s being honest with both you and herself. The last thing you want is to unintentionally trigger her. “We coped the only way we knew how at the time: avoiding each other and having sex when we weren’t avoiding each other. Both of which were unhealthy, one of which resulted in me getting pregnant again. But, I—I ended up miscarrying.”

That….that you especially weren’t expecting to hear. The loss of one child seems unfathomable, but the loss of two children is just so wrong. Like, it shouldn’t be allowed to happen. No one deserves to experience that kind of grief, and while your heart aches for Jadah, it’s hard not to think mostly about Joe.

To think about how that kind of experience had to have torn him up. How could it have not?

“After that miscarriage is when we tried to make things work, tried to actually be a real couple. It was mostly on my end but also that loss was the first time we actually tried to heal together instead of separate. I did most of the initiating, and I can be honest with myself now in admitting it was mostly because I wanted to try again. I wanted to try to have another child.” Her attention is mostly focused on her lap as she recalls what had to have been one of the most difficult times in her life. “Through therapy, I learned that I thought if I could finally just have a child, my grief would go away. Obviously, that’s not how that works, and I learned the hard way because I did get pregnant again, but I….I also ended up miscarrying again.”

Words. There are none to properly describe what’s going through your head right now, the emotions all circulating throughout your entire body. Tears brim your eyes listening to this heartbreak. You have such a tremendous amount of compassion and sympathy for the woman sitting across from you.

For the man not before you currently but you’d give anything to be able to hold and hug right now. You had no idea he’s been through so much, lost so much, and yet he still stands tall, forever being your backbone.

Being your saving grace.

“That was the last time Joe and I were ever intimate,” she continues, dabbing at her eyes. “He refused to touch me unless I got on birth control. Said he didn’t want to see me go through that anymore, and I believe him. But, I also don’t think he could handle another loss either.”

You’re not sure anyone could handle that kind of loss a fourth time.

“I was the one who cheated first, but it’s hard to call it that when I nor Joe ever really saw our marriage as real. It was legal, yes, but he never loved me, and I never loved him. We had love for each other, but we weren’t in love with each other. And I think the little we did feel was because of our shared losses.”

This almost feels like a discussion that needed to happen in separate sessions, because it’s so much to take in. You’d always wondered about this marriage, wondered what the real story was, but hearing that real story almost has you wishing you would have never asked. It’s just all so heavy.

“And then he started becoming more famous and up there in the WWE. I don’t need to tell you how crazy his schedule can be. I barely ever saw him. We essentially became roommates. He did his thing and who he wanted, while I did my thing and who I wanted.”

It’s hard on you hearing all this, for obvious reasons, but there’s also a part of you that is grieving for different reasons. Grieving what maybe you and Joe could have been if you knew all of this. Knew his wife wasn’t the high school sweetheart turned wife, knew he wasn’t going home and playing house when he wasn’t in your bed. You always just assumed this was the case, the few times you even allowed yourself to think about him being married. It was more toward the end of your relationship as you realized you needed to start being honest with yourself about your relationship with him.

“I know for a fact Joe never initiated a divorce because he felt like it was wrong. Like it was wrong for him to leave me because I couldn’t give him what he wanted, a family. I can’t speak for him, but I’d bet that’s why he didn’t divorce me even when he met you. Because he’s a good man who still felt a sense of loyalty to me because I had tried to give him a child. I just….I couldn’t.”

Your chest tightens at her words. Did she just….. “Joe wanted kids?”

Jadah is quick with the response, reiterating. “He always wanted to be a dad. Even with our first pregnancy, we were both nervous and young, but he told me that he wanted a big family because he came from one.”

It’s getting harder and harder to keep the tears at bay. You hadn’t the slightest clue fatherhood was something Joe always envisioned for himself, something he always wanted. It makes sense, it makes all the sense now why he reacted so strongly as he did when he found out about Callie. The way he looked at you with such love and appreciation on Christmas when you apologized for not getting him anything, the way his eyes fell on Callie is he calmly told you that you already did.

A child.

You’d given him a child, something he always wanted but could never have.

Shaking your head, you admit aloud but gently, “I didn’t—I didn’t know that.”

“Do you know what Joe told me when we finally realized we needed to just file?” She doesn’t wait for a response, most likely already knowing what your answer will be. “He said he was never supposed to be with me, because he was always supposed to be with you.” A tiny gasp leaves your mouth. “And he’s right. Joe never spoke about me the way he speaks about you, the way his eyes light up, the smile on his face…... He was never in love with me, because his heart was always supposed to be with you.” Any effort to refrain from crying is null and void. “And I’m happy for him. I truly am. I couldn’t give him what he wanted, and that’s okay, because you have.”

Her comforting you is the last thing that should be happening, but it’s exactly what occurs. She reaches over, placing her hand on top of yours.

“Y/N. I don’t hate you. I don’t think you’re a whore who ruined my marriage. That marriage was a sham from the beginning. If anything, I was more upset at you when Joe told me about Calista. I was upset because I wish you had told him from the beginning that you were pregnant. We could have gotten divorced sooner, and he could have finally experienced fatherhood. I could have finally figured out what I want in life.”

Sniffling, wiping at your eyes, “All this time…..I thought that I had been that woman, that I took him from you. That’s why I didn’t tell him about Callie, I thought—I felt like it was wrong, wrong because he was married.” It’s that along with your unaddressed daddy issues, that whole trauma, but while Jadah is relatively open with you about her struggles. You’re just not there yet.

“You can’t take what never belonged to me. I’m able to admit now that I never had Joe, and to be honest with you, I never really wanted him.” She frowns almost, continuing to share more with you than you ever expected her to share. “I wanted to do humanitarian work after college, and I didn’t do that because I was too busy living my life the way everyone said I should. I don’t blame Joe either. I guess I just wish all three of us didn’t have to wait so long to finally have what we wanted.”

In a strange sort of sense, all three of you are victims of some type of circumstances, different in various ways but still victims.

“Are you….are you happy, Jadah?”

In all that you’ve heard her divulge, a no wouldn’t surprise you. She’s such a strong woman, but in the midst of all this, you getting Joe, Joe having you, where’s her happy ending?

“I’m bisexual.” It’s such a strange first initial response, one that you’re not sure how to reply to or take. Not that you’re judging at all. Good for fucking her. But, where is the relevance? “It’s not a secret, either. I’ve been out since I was in middle school, but I’ve been in a relationship with this amazing woman for almost a year now, and it’s with her I’ve realized I just tend to form deeper connections with women than men. Especially emotionally. It’s gotta be why I never felt anything for Joe, because we both know that man is objectively gorgeous, insanely sweet, and the D is fire.”

That makes you laugh, the first in the midst of this heartfelt conversation. “You’re not wrong about that.”

“But, she’s amazing, and we’re so happy, so yes, I am more than happy.” Her eyes light up the same way you’re certain she’s seen with Joe when he talks about you. “But, you know what will make me happier?” She announces with attitude and determination. “Getting on Live together and blowing up this bitch whole spot.”

Another laugh that’s followed up with. “I’d rather beat her ass, but this is second best.”

“I mean, we can do that too. I don’t really know how to fight, but I’ll cheer for you on the side.”

There’s more laughter as you realize Jadah has that dry sense of humor that can have you dubbed over in tears from the humor, meanwhile she’s got a straight face the whole time.

“I wish, but I can’t be fighting in my condition.”

It leaves your mouth before you even realize what you’re basically confirming, and before you can freak out, scolding yourself for being so insensitive, Jadah is already two steps ahead.

“Seriously? Congratulations!” Her smile is just as genuine and happy as all the outdoors, as she explains. “Y/N, just because I can’t have kids doesn’t mean I can’t be happy for people who can. I know Joe must be over the moon happy.”

“He is,” you answer with a matching smile, hand going to your stomach. “I’m really happy I got to meet you, Jadah. I think….I think we both needed this.”

There was something so healing about all of this, some sense of solace and closure that feels like it’s been provided for the both of you. Her being able to talk this out and be honest about her feelings, and you learning that maybe, just maybe, your relationship with Joe was never wrong in the first place.

Because it was always supposed to be.

“I agree.” She squeezes her hand. “Now, let’s get started on our strategy for this Live, cause I’m ready to shut that ex best friend of yours fifteen minutes of fame down.”

———-

In another life, you and Jadah could have been the best of friends.

There’s such an ease that comes with talking to her. Not only is she just as laid back as Joe promised, but the bitch is funny as hell. The strategizing your game plan for the Live is filled with her dry humor that almost has you in tears at one point. And it amazes you how someone who’s been through so much can still find it in her to laugh, to still be filled with so much joy.

It’s admirable.

And maybe there’s a way where you can be friends of some sort, because there’s truly no ill feelings towards her on your end. You’re also almost certain it’s the same for her as well, but right now, the focus is on this Live.

Well, sort of.

“I definitely think the cool tones will really compliment the white theme of the house. You guys don’t plan to paint, right?”

Joe never mentioned that Jadah is an interior designer, not that he needed or even had a reason to, but it definitely comes in handy considering you have this big ass house to decorate without a lick of knowledge about decorating.

It didn’t take long to figure out how you’re going to tackle the Live, and you two even got your iPad set up in the kitchen, deciding that’s where you would hold it. She even set up the practice live so you two could familiarize yourself with the layout before actually going live.

So with that out the way, it only took one question from Jadah about designing for her to be assisting you with some options for different rooms in the house.

“No. Joe hasn’t mentioned anything about it.” You then remember. “We are getting a mural painted in Callie’s room. I guess Joe knows someone.”

“Oh, that’s awesome.” She beams, asking, “what’s the mural gonna be?”

Smiling, you answer, “disney. She loves Disney.”

“Y/N…..do you….do you think I could meet her?” She quickly adds, almost as if she’s nervous about even asking in the first place. “I know you probably need to talk to Joe first, but—”

“Of course, you can meet her.” There’s no need to think about it, no need to talk with Joe about it. “I was actually going to ask you if you wanted to meet her. She’s out with my best friend right now, because I didn’t want her overhearing our Live, but I’d love for you to meet her.”

She seems so moved and appreciative of this. “Thank you.” She motions down the hall, “you don’t happen to have any food, do you?”

Laughing, you answer. “Girl, I was just thinking we need to get this Live done, cause I’m hungry.”

It’s not too surprising on your end. In the past few days, you’ve noticed your appetite increasing, a strange symptom to have so early on in your pregnancy. Annoying, too.

“Well, let’s pig out on snacks, and maybe we can get actual food later,” she suggests. You’re down for that, thinking about asking Alexis to stop and pick something up on her way back to the house with Callie.

“Sounds good to me.” She then looks around, noticing the speakers located throughout the house. “Do those work?”

Already knowing where she’s headed, you pull out your phone, opening up Spotify and reaching it to her. “What’s the vibe?”

Jadah sucks her teeth, taking the phone. “Girl, you already know.”

She moves her fingers around the screen before music starts to play.

Knuck if you buck boy

“Oh my god, you taking it way back.” And it’s so appreciated, cause this always has been and always will be your song. It’s aptly appropriate as well.

“We gotta be in the zone.” She’s dancing along the way to the kitchen, tossing you your phone as she walks backwards. “You still remember Princess verse?”

Is water wet? “Don’t play with me.” Making it to the kitchen, you’re barely able to open the cabinet where the snacks are before the verse starts.

Yeah we knuckin' and buckin' and ready to fight

I betcha I'm'a throw dem thangs

So haters best to think twice

Word for word, you don’t miss a beat, and Jadah is right there with you, dancing and playfully twerking to the soundtrack of every middle school fight back in the Y2K era.

The two of you share a laugh at your silliness as she forages through the cabinet for her preferred snack while you open the goldfish and glance at the iPad. Frowning, you move closer, asking, “why is the screen still on? It’s supposed to be on auto—Jadah?”

She’s distracted, caught between Cheez-Its and Pretzels, answering distractedly. “Yeah?”

“Why does this say we’re live?”

At your question, she answers half-heartedly, “it’s in that practice mode thing, isn’t it?”

That would provide a heavy layer of relief if your eyes didn’t land on the number of the corner of the screen.

The number that reads over 100,000k people are currently watching this live.

“Jadah! It’s fucking live!” She spins around, confused. “Like, we’re on Live!”

“Oh, shit,” she curses, running over and also looking at the screen. “Damn, we are.”

Panicked, you back up to the opposite counter, lecturing, “I thought you said it was in practice mode!”

“I thought it was!” She defends, shrugging and reminding you of her naivety with technology. “You should have never left me in charge in the first place! I haven’t used social media since Tom and I were besties on MySpace!”

“Oh my god.” your hand remains over your mouth as you take in the fact that this thing has just been sitting here, live for the whole wide world to sit and watch.

“I don’t know why there’s so many people here. Were ya’ll just sitting here staring at her fridge?”

“Jadah.”

“It’s a valid question!” She sucks her teeth, pulling out the bar stool and plopping down. “Well, since everyone’s here, we might as well get started.” She reaches for your phone, simply saying “music.”

Believing she’s going to turn off Crime Mob, you hand it to her, but that’s too good to be true. Because instead of silence, you’re hit with Megan Thee Stallion.

I just want to kick this shit off by saying, "Fuck y'all!"

I ain't gotta clear my name on a motherfuckin' thang

“Jadah!”

“I said we were getting started. We need to set the tone.”

“We can’t be playing this kind of music on Joe’s account though.” At least, you think so. You’re not entirely certain what exactly his public image is supposed to exemplify. But, songs about fighting and cussing people out don't seem to align.

However, she waves you off, focusing on the screen. “Hello, everyone, and welcome to this special edition Live. I’m sure most, if not all of you, recognize Y/N, thanks to a basic bitch we’re about to roast alive in this here video.” She gestures to you, and unsure of how exactly to respond or act, you simply offer a sarcastic wave. “But most of you may not know I am because I’m pretty sure there’s only a couple of photos of me online, which is the way I prefer it.” She places one hand on her chest. “I’m Jadah, the infamous ex-wife who apparently hates Y/N and pulled up ready to knuck if you buck, but we’ll get into that later.”

Feeling more comfortable after making active efforts to push away your nerves, you tease, “bet ya’ll didn’t see this one coming.”

Jadah’s face lights up with a mischievous smile. “We figured there’s so much being said about us by this delusional bitch, that it’s time we speak our truth. And I’m just gonna say right now that while we’re doing this to clear up the lies, there are some things we’re not going to touch on because it’s nobody’s business.”

“None of this is really anyone’s business,” you add, the confidence growing by the second. “It’s all really fucked up how we even have to come up here and defend our characters and talk about personal, real life situations. I never wanted any of this, never wanted to have my face be out there, to have my daughter’s face be out there.”

“And that’s the thing, too,” Jadah seems to be feeding off your energy just as much as you’re feeding off hers. “I don’t have any social media at all. I hate it. After today, I don’t plan to ever do anything like this ever again. But, it’s also the fact that people are saying such cruel things about an innocent child that absolutely disgusts me. Like, people are attacking an innocent little girl and saying that it’s in defense of me, which is so insane because none of you know the truth.” She looks over at you, asking, “mind if I start off?”

“No, go ahead, please.”

“Bet.” She claps and announces. “I’m gonna keep this super easy for all of ya’ll. First things first, I have never spoken to that Mariah person a day in my life. Have zero clue who she is. The texts? Never happened. Phone calls? Never happened. Screenshots of said messages? Never fucking happend. Why?” Jadah makes a triangle over her mouth so her voice projects. “Because I don’t fucking know her!”

“More facts: Joe and I were married, yes. We got married when we were like 21 and 22 because I was pregnant, and that’s when people still believed children could only be raised by married couples. That’s the only reason I married that man. We were never in love. Never even dated. We were just horny college kids who didn’t use protection.”

As strange as it may be, you can tell there’s a bit of hesitation on Jadah’s end before she goes into the next part. “We, unfortunately, lost that child. And experienced some other forms of loss that I won’t get into because it’s very personal, but to make a long story short, we ended up having an arrangement. Essentially, he did what and who he wanted, and I did the same.”

She pushes some of her hair back, continuing to explain bits and pieces that are still true but protect her from having to lay out her darkest experiences. “I don’t even consider it an open marriage, because outside of us legally being married, we never had an actual marriage. As most of you already know, professional wrestlers have insane schedules, so when I tell you he was at the crib maybe a month out of the year? I’m not even exaggerating. That man was my platonic roommate.”

There’s a small smile on your face as her humor and sass melt into her delivery after carefully maneuvering around the specifics of her personal loss. “Ya’ll are all up in arms, coming after this girl talking about she broke up my marriage, blah blah blah. But, she couldn’t break up what didn’t exist. I never loved that man. Joe is a great guy, but we never loved each other.” She gestures to you with her thumb. “This is who he loves. This is who he has a family with. And the fact that ya’ll can sit there and claim to support him and be a fan while attacking the people he loves blows my mind.”

“So, it goes without saying, Mariah lied her ass off about all of that for clicks and views. She’s a liar. And you can print that in your tabloids.”

“I also wanna clear up some things about her if that’s cool with you?” Jadah nods, and motions for you to have the figurative floor. “I need people to understand that this is somebody who I thought was my best friend, who I’ve called a best friend since I was in kindergarten. Matter of fact, we met because some boy was picking on her, and I went up and pushed him, standing up for her. I’ve always prided myself on being a loyal friend, especially to her. So for her to do all that she’s done to me has been so fucking hurtful and confusing.”

“I found out that she’s been sleeping with my very first boyfriend, the boy I lost my virginity to and dated on and off up until I was in my mid-twenties behind my back since we were teenagers.” You have no intention of stooping to Mariah’s level, but if she wants to lay out your information for public scrutiny, then you damn sure can make sure they know just who they’re believing. Know her character, or lack thereof. “Mind you, he ain’t shit either and he can go fuck himself just as much as she can. Like, it takes two, but here I am calling this girl my best friend, crying and confiding in her about all he’s putting me through, and the whole time she’s fucking him behind my back.”

“That’s so foul.” Jadah looks just as disgusted as you feel just thinking and talking about it.

“But you know what? As fucked up as that is, that part is well with my soul because I have a man who treats me so damn good, a beautiful daughter, and a loving, supportive family. So, that’s fine. What really fucks with me though, still—” There’s an unplanned pause as emotions get the best of you, just revisiting this subject. “Fuck, I said I wasn’t gonna cry.” Taking a deep breath, you do your best to continue without breaking down in front of the whole damn internet. “What gets me is that this girl who I considered a sister, who I literally made the legal godmother of my child, called DCFS on me, made up horrific lies and stated my child was in immediate danger—”

“Oh my god—”

“They took my baby away from me and placed her with my mother, so I legally could not have any contact with my child or my mom for three days. And that may not seem like a lot of time to ya’ll, but I love my child. She’s very attached to me, and I’m kinda the same. So those three days were torture. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t keep anything down, my chest hurt. I had to hire a lawyer, be interrogated like I’m some criminal. It was awful.” Your attempts to hold back the tears failed epically, and Jadah’s hand is on the small of your back, rubbing in a comforting motion. “And now she’s sold all these personal photos and videos of my daughter to the highest bidder, so now I worry about what kind of fucking disgusting perverts now have access to them. It’s been fucking hell dealing with girl. You all have no idea.”

Up until this point, you’ve made an active, concerted effort to keep your eyes away from the comments, not wanting to lash out or be unintentionally triggered. But, an accidental glance reveals a slew of incoming comments including hearts of all colors.

It’s then you can’t help but to read a few, also needing to get your shit together. Crying on the internet is something you used to make fun of people for. Now, you’re in the same position.

The comments are a complete 180 from the last time you decided to torture yourself by viewing the public’s general opinion on you.

There’s a tremendous amount of sympathy, support, and newfound understanding. For both you and Jadah, though, the majority of them seem to be aimed towards you.

A lot of apologies as well.

“And this is the kind of person you all have been deceived by. The only thing she was truthful about is that yes, I met Joe because of her. She won a contest years ago that gave her tickets and backstage passes to a Smackdown show, so she invited me, and I met him that night.” That’s probably the only thing you could ever be grateful to Mariah about, the fact that her letting you be her plus one resulted in you meeting the love of your life. “But, I’m not a whore. Not a golddigger. I’m very intelligent. I got nearly a perfect score on my ACT and my SAT back in high school. I was student body president, homecoming queen, prom queen. You look up Ms. Popularity, and you’ll see my fucking face. I have a bachelor's degree in education, I’m a licensed teacher in my state. Like, I don’t need attention from strangers nor do I want it.”

“And here’s the thing, my daughter is almost five, so I’ve been in the picture. If I was this big attention whore like she says I am, why have I not gone public or made my presence known? The only reason ya’ll even know who I am now is because I was essentially outed, but I don’t want this shit. Joe is famous. Not me. I don’t want that. I just want to live in peace and privacy with my family. That’s all.”

It’s a bit of playing with the truth, insinuating that you’ve been in Joe’s life consistently the past five years, but that’s one of the parts of this that doesn’t need to be shared on the world wide web.

“We black and educated excellence over here. We don’t need validation from strangers.” Jadah says it better than you can as you continue to blot at your eyes, grateful the tears are drying up. “We need some church in here to lift the spirits.”

“Oh, Lord, what are you going to play now? We are about to get Joe’s account banned.”

She clicks around on your phone before the song starts playing.

We lift our hands in the sanctuary.

We lift our hands to give You the glory.

“You’re so stupid.” This laughter is so good for your soul, it’s the most you’ve done in such a short span in a while. And it feels good. “But why would you pick this damn song, knowing good and well it never ends.” Reaching for the goldfish bag on the island, you open and grab a few.

“Y/N! Why are you eating? We are in church.”

You give her that ‘girl, please’ look, justifying. “Girl, I’m hungry. It’s snack time, shit.” You’re craving more than a snack, more like a full course meal, but Callie’s snacks will have to do for now.

“Now you’re cussing in church. Don’t drag me to hell with you, whore.” She leans closer into the phone, taunting, “you liked that one, didn’t you, Mariah?”

You almost spit out your food. “Jadah!”

“What? You are a whore. That’s why I pulled up at your house blasting Sideline Hoe by Monica in my 2007 Toyota Camry, wearing my Baby Phat bomber jacket to fight you that one day.” At this point, you’re about to piss on yourself. Jadah’s sense of humor is golden, because she’s saying all this with such a straight face. Never once breaking scene.

You decide to play along, correcting. “No, it was The Boy Is Mine, remember?”

She snaps her finger. “That’s right. My bad. And then the second fight, it was Jolene. I played that when I snuck in your hospital room at Grey Sloan and caught you flirting with Dr. McDreamy.”

Turning your head, you try your best to hold in your laughter, but it’s impossible.

And Jadah also breaks a bit, speaking to the phone and viewers. “You see how ridiculous and stupid this all sounds? That’s exactly how stupid majority of the shit that came out of Mariah’s mouth is. I literally just met Y/N for the first time today, this morning. And as ya’ll can clearly see, we good over here. She got her man. I have a wonderful, beautiful girlfriend. Stop being so invested in lives you don’t live.”

You start to add something else when Jadah interjects, “and let me just say this, cause I saw some people having the audacity to say this girl is ugly. Ugly where? The bitch is gorgeous. Look at her!” She gestures to you, adding, “she’s stacked in the front, and it’s sitting in the back. Shit, I would hit that too.”

“Girl, you better stop before they start making up rumors and shit about us all being poly.” Snickering at just the thought alone of that being the latest on the rumor mill, you jokingly coin it prematurely. “Roman’s Harem.”

“Roman’s Hoe House,” she suggests, and you’re nearly in tears from laughter. This bitch is hilarious. “Plot twist, everyone. This was all a publicity stunt for a new season of Flavor of Love featuring Roman Reigns.”

“Jadah, oh my god, stop.”

She lifts her hands to silence you as you lay your head on her shoulder, laughing your ass off. “We will be taking applications following this Live. If you are a woman of color with ass and boobs, please apply. Slim thick girls, ya’ll can apply too with the understanding your chances are a bit slimmer. No pun intended. Skinny girls….maybe try the Bachelor or something.”

“Jadah, you are a menace.” You are dying for her to meet Alexis. They seem very similar in a lot of ways, and it seems like they’d vibe well. Hopefully.

“Y/N, please, I am trying to build recruits for the harem.” She finally cracks, shaking her head and leaning forward to read some of the comments. She then asks you, “should we answer questions?”

That’s an easy pass, though you also know this is your one chance to really show who you actually are versus who you’ve been painted out to be. “Sure. A couple.”

Jadah gets to reading, “uhhhh, okay this one is tame. What’s the sexiest thing about Roman?”

“Jadah, how is that tame?”

“You should have seen the other one,” she mutters. Something tells you that it’s better you didn’t.

“All of him. That’s such a generic, basic answer, but it’s the truth. He’s the full package. Tall, handsome, amazing body. Insanely kind.” Big dick, not that that needs to be shared with the whole world. “I will say though, like, seeing him parent our daughter, how good and patient he is with her. That is immensely attractive. Him being such an amazing dad and partner. That shit is sexy. If you’re grown, you agree with me.”

“You better be grown if you’re watching this Live.” She’s not entirely wrong. Jadah then reads the next one. “What’s something most people don’t know about Roman?”

Looking over at Jadah, you ask, “do you wanna….”

Immediately, she’s shaking her head, admitting, “I don’t know him well enough to really speak on that. Like, we knew each other better in college, but obviously who we were in college is vastly different than who we are now.”

It really does stump you to hear her say that aloud, not that it upsets you, but just the mere fact that you spent so long viewing her relationship with Joe in one way, but in actuality, they were more strangers than anything.

Strangers only bonded by loss.

“Ummm, a lot, actually.” You finally answer, trying to figure out how or even what to share. “He’s actually very quiet, like, borderline shy. At least when you first meet him. Once he warms up, you see more of his personality. But yeah, it’s fascinating how well Joe encapsulates Roman cause they’re totally different people.” You glance at Jadah, murmuring, “maybe one more.”

This Live has gone on long enough, and you feel that you and Jadah touched on all the points you wanted and needed to address.

She nods, clearly searching for a good final one. A couple seconds later, she reads aloud. “What’s one thing you’d like to say to Roman’s fans?”

Damn.

What a final question.

There’s a couple seconds you utilize to gather your words, wanting to articulate effectively and clearly. “That regardless of how you feel about me, please don’t let that change how you viewed him before you even found out I existed. Joe—sorry—Roman, no, fuck that. Joe is so damn passionate about what he does, his work is everything to him, and he does it like he does everything else in his life—with full passion and dedication.” Your eyes are starting to water again from unexpected emotionality. “I’m so proud of him and all he’s done and accomplished, and I know it’s just the beginning, so I’d love for you to continue to support him on his journey.”

“Damn.” Jadah mumbles after a minute of silence. “That was deep. We need another song—”

“Jadah, I swear to God, if you play one more song—”

“You’re going to like this one!”

“I think we’re just about finished anyway.” It’s not a think. It’s a know. Callie’s been gone long enough. You miss your baby. “What—”

Roman’s theme song plays louder than the previous songs Jadah played, and a smile is instantly on your face. “Okay, you were right.” The two of you vibe for a minute, because your man’s song really is an actual vibe.

“Alright,” Jadah laughs. “You all have been a wonderful crowd now, but we’re hungry, so we’re gonna go eat—what are you thinking?”

“Hmmm, maybe Chinese?”

“Good call.” She then focuses on the screen again. “We’re gonna go pig out, listen to some more amazing music and….yeah.” Jadah grabs you and pulls you right next to her, so you can say something too.

“Thank you for listening to our side, the truth, and please be kind. To everyone. Not just the people you know.”

“And don’t forget to send in your applications for—”

“Jadah!”

#roman reigns x black!reader #roman reigns fic #roman reigns #roman reigns x black!oc #arisnotebook

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l0vergirlv0mit · 1 year ago

Text

Bags

Song to go with: Bag by Clairo ❤️

Pairing: College!Hazel Callahan x Reader

Summary: you’ve been in love with your best friend for years. Watching her date people sucks especially when one of the absolutely despises you.

Contents/warning: Switch!Hazel x Switch!Reader, fingering, oral, pet names, nipple play, cursing, threats, light? violence (nothing gory), sm yearning.

A/n: for the dorm imagine Buffy and willows dorm from btvs<3. Also reader isn’t fem but also isn’t masc but is definitely masc leaning. for my in between girlies 😘.

You alarm clock rudely wakes you up with an incessant buzz. Hitting it a bit to hard it falls off your night stand making you groan into the sunlit room. You sit up with squinted eyes not noticing that Hazel was still in the dorm. “Well good morning sleepy head.” She smiles at your groggy state.

You wake up just enough to snatch the alarm clock of the ground and punch it off. “Ughhh good morning.” Your eyes finally adjust to the light fully taking Hazel in. She was still in her pjs wearing a white wife pleaser and low waisted grey sweats. “Shouldn’t you be in class right now?” You ask her confused as to why she was skipping her morning class.

“I should but Anya had me up till 2.” She clasps her hands around the back of her neck. She still had her tired raspy voice probably having woken up a couple minutes before you. “Oh god spare me.” Suppressing an eye roll you got up from the bed and grabbed your towel, getting ready to go to the showers. Anya pissed you off to no end.

And it wasn’t because she was dating the person you wanted more than anything (maybe a little bit). It was her glares and her back handed compliments that she gave you any chance she could. How she would snap at people over anything and everything she was extremely abrasive.

Your friends tried to explain that that was just her personality but you didn’t function like that you were quiet and sweet. Both didn’t mix well so she tended to single you out. Always trying to push you out of your comfort zone by teasing and getting a rise out of you. You can barley ask a waiter for ketchup let alone defend yourself. But you refuse to tell Hazel about her behavior because she was happy. She was so sweet to Hazel and that made you most livid.

“Not like that y/n we went out for our 4 months.” She grinned at your scrunched face. “How fun nothing says I love you like sleep deprivation.” She raises her eyebrows at your grouchy mood with a soft smile still on her lips.

“Oh wow someone’s moody, anyway Josie was texting the group chat about a going to the bar tonight are you gonna come?” Hazel asks you hoping you’d say yes because you never go out. “Mmm I’ll think about it Haze Ill probably have a lot of work to do.” Hazel sighs. “Pleaseeee you never come out with us anymore.” She give you a pleading look. “I have a lot of today I’ll let you know if I’m up for it.” You giggle at her childish tone and pat her shoulder then leave the dorm.

—

You let Hazel know you were coming and put your phone down and change out of your work clothes. Your style has always been a bit more grungy and masculine only really dressing a bit feminine for special events or outings.

You put on your favorite baggy black jeans that hung off your hips so beautifully. Then put on a spaghetti strap tank top and a long sleeve over it made of black mesh and lace that was completely see through. You left your hair messy and smudged black shadow and liner on your eyes. Finishing off your outfit by putting on your black docs.

Hazel was already with the group so you drove yourself to Josie, PJ, and Isabel’s shared apartment. You found your way to the apartment door knocking timidly. You rock back and forth on your feet waiting for someone to open the door.

When someone finally does it’s her. She doesn’t talk to you directly. “Y/n is here now guys can we finally leave?” She says not letting you in yet talking to YOUR friends behind the door.

Hazel quickly comes to the door and smiles brightly at you pulling you in by your hand . “Oh wow someone’s trying to get lucky tonight.” Hazel softly says nudging you. This earns you a glare from Anya.

The group sits in the living room area to catch up before heading out. Everyone’s talking but your mind is elsewhere. You’ve always been the quieter one of the group so your lack of conversation goes unnoticed.

You can’t help but stare at Hazel and Anya. A deep grief blooms in your chest. Hazels arm around Anya protectively. Anya tucks a piece of hair behind Hazels ear and kissed her on the cheek. Hazels face becomes so soft and loving it tears you apart wishing so bad that you were Anya. Hazels hand travels to her waist to pull her closer just to top it off.

You look at Anya for a bit taking in how perfect and pretty she is. She’s so feminine and put together. She was everything you would never be. She had on a full face of makeup that was perfectly done and a dress that hugged in all the right spots. She was an absolutely gorgeous girl.

You were only pulled out of this haze by Josie putting her hand on your knee. Knowing exactly what was going through your mind. You had drunkenly told her about your 2 year long crush on Hazel in a club bathroom. You look back at her with glazed over eyes and squeeze her hand as a silent thank you.

“Are you guys ready to get wasted cause I am.” Josie announced and pulled you up with her off the couch. She looks to you and smiles trying to change the mood that’s setting in. You smile back but felt suffocated anyway and had to leave. Everyone excitedly agrees and heads over the bar.

—

This bar was THE bar all the college kids go there to find hookups and get drunk. The group gets drinks to loosen up but you decide to hold off for tonight. You let your friends make you dance their tipsy state amusing you. You move timidly at first but the encouragement from your friends has you swaying to the music.

You danced with Britney trying to absorb her confidence in some way. When Hazel comes over to playfully dance with you twirling you around and giggling. She saw your shyness and was trying to remedy it.

She made you sway with her hands on your waist. It was all friendly and playful and you were best friends so it wasn’t unusual behavior.

Nonetheless you felt your face get warmer at her proximity. Anya was staring from the bar after telling Hazel she didn’t feel like dancing. Anya really thought Hazel was just going to sit there and watch all of her friends dance instead.

Anya quickly changed her mind though. Seeing you too make her jealous. Hopping out of her seat and waltzing over to shove you away from Hazel with feigned innocence. Hazel mouths sorry towards you and it was your turn to go to the bar and watch from a far. You get yourself a coke to sip on since you would be driving later, not much of a drinker anyway.

You sit there mindlessly scrolling your phone trying to keep yourself occupied. Watching them still it hurts your chest. Hazel holds Anya close she has her face in the crook of her neck holding her from behind. It was a real sight. Especially when Hazel looked so good. Her cropped white tee and baggy jeans left just enough midriff exposed to mesmerize you.

Josie comes to sit besides you breaking your trance. “I hate her.” Is all she says and she looks from Anya to you. “Me too.” You both laugh together. “Yeah she’s kind of a bitch isn’t she.” Josie remarks pressing her lips together and furrowing her brows.

“Yeah she’s something.” You huffed and smiled brighter grateful for your friendship .That’s when Josie gets a certain look that you know to well. “You wanna smoke?” She flashes you a wide grin and wiggles her eyebrows. “Oh god yes.” You take one last sip of your coke and follow her outside.

—

You and Josie walk back into the bar in a hazy giggle. After a shit talking session that had you loosing your shit and gasping at gossip. You go to dance again and you notice Anya arguing with Hazel.

Anya rolled her eyes and says something that made Hazels face contort into hurt. Hazel says something in a pout then storms off in the other direction. “Jesus they do this shit every fucking night bro.” Josie rolls her eyes following Hazel to the bathroom. Every night? You though to yourself. You were under the impression everything was great?

The anger taking over your body doesn’t let you ponder over it more. Body moving without you telling it too, you yank her shoulder to face you. She was taller than you and definitely stronger then you but you didn’t care. The face Hazel made at Anya was enough motivation. You could’ve fought 10 frat boys and won.

“Hey! What did you say to her.” You could stand her being mean to you but being mean Hazel was absolutely not allowed. “I don’t think that’s any of your business y/n.”

She looks you up and down. “I suggest you fuck off before I tell her your little secret.” She gets closer to you only inches from your face. “What do you mean secret?” You started getting nervous. She grabs your face in her hand and looks in your scared eyes. “Your in love with her. It’s pathetic really the way you gawk at her.” Her acrylics are digging into your cheeks. Frantically staring at her in disbelief.

“Start keeping your distance y/n, Im not worried about you im just annoyed that you THINK that could happen. Like she’d ever be into someone like you.”

She let’s go of your face lightly tapping it. You feel tears fill your eyes about to break the barrier of your water line. “I-i… f-fuck you Anya.” Tears cascade down your face. Anya just vocalized your internal thoughts for the past 2 years now your sure she’s some demon from hell that crawled out to make your life miserable.

Just as Hazel and Josie come out of the bathroom they see you walk quickly out of the bar. Hazel feels completely exhausted, this was supposed to be a fun night you FINALLY agreed to have fun and hang out again.

Hazel follows you out just catching up to you when you get to the door of your car. “Y/n! Wait! Please, where are you going it’s barley been an hour?” She looks at you confused eye brows pushed together and hands on her hips. “I’m tired Hazel.” You can’t face her you can’t stop the tears rolling down.

You open the door but Hazel puts a firm hand down closing it again getting frustrated at your short response. You finally look her in the eyes and she takes you in. “Holy shit y/n are you ok?” She goes to put a hand on your shoulder but you flinch. Her face becomes even more worried than before. Staring at the streaks running down your cheeks.

“Please Hazel I just wanna go home. I’ll talk to you tomorrow ok.” Hazel moves her hand from the door and lets you open it. “We will talk about this tomorrow?” She ask you to get more confirmation. “We will.” You reassured her knowing talking was the last thing you were gonna do.

You drove back to your dorm still feeling shocks of fear pulse through you at the thought of Hazel knowing you were completely in love with her. Losing her would do more than wreck you. She’s been your best friend for what felt like forever.

Finally inside your dorm you rip your clothes off and put you pjs on as fast as you could. You didn’t bother to take your make up off and fell asleep as soon as your head hit the pillow. Thank god for the weed.

—

Your woken up by the jiggling of keys. You turn to look at the time and you way overslept. “Oh your up.” She closes the door lightly walking over to your bed. She puts a brown paper on your nightstand and smiled softly at you. “I got you a bagel from the place we like, I made sure they put extra cheese and hash browns. And I got you salsa.” The same sadness you felt the night before washed over you. Her sweetness makes you fall apart in more ways then one.

“Thanks Hazel.” You can only produce a small awkward smile. “Do you wanna talk about last night?” She carefully sat next to you and put her hand on your back, rubbing up and down. “I’m ok Hazel, really it’s fine.” You brush her off.

“I can’t help you if you push me away y/n. You’ve been really distant recently I’m worried. I-i mean did I do something?” She spoke softly and looked at your face silently begging for you to look her in the eyes instead of the floor.

But you can’t you start to cry before you can even get a word out. “No you didn’t do anything I’m sorry. Last night Anya was just really mean. Well she’s mean every time I’m around her but I-I’m sorry.” You spoke through tears and hiccups not even knowing even know why you were saying sorry. Regretting everything you just said. You knew Anya was going to tell her—everything was going to be ripped away from you.

Hazels face contorted into anger and shock. You were petrified that you had made her angry at you. “Anya did this.” Her tone was steady and dark. You nodded. Her jaw was clenched and her fist balled breathing heavily. She grabs her keys and opens the door. “I’ll be back in 30 minutes.” She shut the door behind her harder than she meant too. She quite literally couldn’t control her anger. She liked Anya, a lot actually, but the fighting has gotten to much. Hazel could handle a bit of sass from her here and there. But knowing she hurt you had Hazel enraged.

—

It had been 45 minutes of you sitting there bouncing your leg. Shaking anticipating the consequences of your breakdown. You tried watching a movie to get your mind off of your situation but you couldn’t focus. The bagel on your nightstand making you nauseous just by being there. Frustrated tears forcing there way up every once in a while.

You hear the knob jiggle and keys. Your immediately alerted. Hazel calmly walks through the door and moves to where you’ve come to stand infront of your bed. She takes your face into her soft hands pulling you into the deepest kiss you’ve ever had. When she finally lets you catch your breath she looks in your watery eyes .

“Why did you never tell me.” She whispers looking over your post cry face. Your lips puffy and pink frustrated cheeks. You notice that her lip is busted and she has a mark on her cheek that is definitely going to turn into a bruise. “Y-you aren’t angry? Are you ok?” You started to tear up again from the relief.

“No baby i could never be angry at you. And I’m fine just thought I should put what I’ve learned in my boxing class to use.” As she’s wiping your tears way, your remember, her and Anya took the same boxing class; thats actually how they met. Hazel looked angry but you didn’t think she was THAT angry. “I didn’t think you thought I was pretty.” She pulls you closer to her. “What! Why is that?” She questioned from the crook of your neck. “Cause you date girls like Anya I didn’t think I was your type.”

Hazel suddenly starts placing kisses on your neck. She realizes she has you turning into putty in her hands, like she always wanted. Everything about you was captivating to her in this moment. The way you smelled, the way your skin felt, how she could hear your breathing pick up with every kiss.

Your heart was racing you couldn’t believe this was actually happening. “Your not gonna have to worry about Anya anymore honey, I promise. Your the only girl I want. And your sooo my type.” Hazel sucks a bruise with no warning into your neck and licks over it. “Oh my god Hazel please.” Your hand reaches up into her hair your fingers tangled in her silky brown tresses. “Please what baby?”

Your face got impossibly redder whole body on fire unsure of how to answer her. Feeling the way Hazels hands roamed you made your head spin. You just couldn’t take it anymore pulling her up lightly by the hair to have her look at you.

“I need you.”

You make sure you say it clearly. Hazels eyes become more lidded than before overcome with lust. She pushed you backwards towards her bed until you fall into her sheets.

“Y-your so beautiful.” Shes stammering seeing you laid out in HER bed. She connects your lips again teeth clashing and tongues fighting for dominance.

You want to make her feel as good as she’s making you feel. Her knee comes between your legs giving you relief from pulsing heart beat that’s developed.

Your grinding on each other urgently. Years of pent up sexual frustration and longing being released.

You try to keep up with her kisses the best you can. The friction making you lose control. Completely entangled in each other, hands trying to feel every part of her.

Exchanging heavy breaths and soft whimpers. It was frenzied and sloppy it was the hottest thing you’ve ever experienced.

You tug her shirt over her head. She does the same for your exposing your bare chest. “Fuck.” Her brows pushing together as she feels her arousal pooling in her boxers. She can’t help but gently thumb your hard nipple trailing kisses from your collar bone to your breast.

She took the soft flesh into her mouth leaving hot kisses. Her hand massaged the other. Her lips wrapped around your nipple and released it with a pop. You let out a strained moan.

Her hand traveled to the waist band of your pajamas pants. Teasing you with her fingers moving back and forth under the fabric.

“Can I take these off.” She ask you her eyes begging you to say yes, desperate to see all of you. “Please” You nodded and she gently undressed you leaving your skin vulnerable to cool air for your dorm.

It doesn’t matter though, because Hazels warm body is pressed to you in a second. Her hand trails from your breast to your hip slowly, keeping your attention.

“Do you know how long Ive wanted you?” You shake your head, voice escaping you in the moment. Her finger slides through your folds, your wetness sending waves of pleasure and confidence through her. The sound alone made her ache.

“Way to fucking long.” She slips a finger in your soaked needy hole. You let out an open mouthed exhale. She slips in another finger. “Fuck! Mm-n!”

Her fingers stretched you out and the sensation was mind numbing. An endless repeat hazelhazelhazelhazel. Was all you could think about. Her fingers curled at a slow pace hitting just the right spot. Working your clit with her thumb at the same time.

“Im I making you feel good honey?” Her voice was gentle and attentive. The way she was grinding down on your thigh mixed with your pretty noises was making her go insane. Your moans start to get more frequent. As you were embarrassingly close to release so soon. “S-so good Hazel.”

“Talk to me sweetheart. This is all mine now right?” Hazel questions you her pace picking up and mouthing your tits. “All yours all yours all yours all…” You mumbled to her as your eyes flutter. “That’s right honey.” She kept a rough tempo leaving marks on your chest until you were finally coming undone under her.

Shes watches as your orgasm possesses you. Moaning her name as you arch your back grinding yourself against her fingers. “Yeah honey just like that cum for me baby.” She doesn’t stop till your squirming from overstimulation.

You catch your breath for a second before becoming focused. You didn’t want your fatigue from your orgasm to keep you from pleasing her. Hazels already pulling you into another deep kiss like before.

“I want to make you feel good now Hazel.” She seemed a little shocked. As you think about the girls she’s hooked up that’s probably not the kind of treatment she was used too.

“You don’t have to y/n, making you cum is pleasure enough.” She seemed almost nervous. You shake your head and take her hand placing the two fingers that were just fucking deep inside of you into your mouth.

Releasing them with a pop. Her eyes are droopy and mouth slightly open. Her chest breathing deeply overwhelmed with lust. “No Hazel. I really want to make you feel good.”

Hazels ripping off her sports bra without another word. You nudge her shoulder down and straddle her. She’s frantically trying to take her sweats and boxers off. You help her rip them off and throw them across the room.

The sight is beautiful she’s completely soak, all you want is to have your face between her thighs. “Can I taste you?” You ask coyly as your hands rub up and down the tops of her thighs, your words going straight to her core. “Fuck, y-yeah, yes p-please—I mean.”

You settle between her thighs leaving light kisses on her inner thighs. Hazels having a hard time keeping still with you so close to where she needed you.

You look up into her eyes through your lashes as your breath fans over her soaked cunt. She lets out a whimper on accident and it set her body on fire with embarrassment.

Finally you lick a broad stripe. Hazel sign in relief. Her fingers pulling at your roots. Your hands are hooked over her thighs keeping them apart. Tongue flicking over her clit at a pace YOU didn’t even know was possible.

Hazel eased into the feeling of being taken care of. She’s switching between look you in the eyes and looking at the ceiling when the shyness become too much. She quietly took in the sensation of being taken care of before speaking trying to get rid of the shyness.

“I’ve thought about you like this s-so many nights.” Hazel mumbles out between whimpers. You push your finger into her curling. “Yeah?” You question quickly. She throws her head back when you go back to sucking on her clit.

You add another finger. Pace becoming quicker and deeper. “I always imagined this,oh god,h-happening during one of our movie nights.” You hum into her creating a whole new sensation as her legs start to quake. “I th-thought youd take the hint. Oh god don’t stop.”

She let out a soft laugh until the knot in her stomach was becoming to much to handle. “I mean we c-cuddled for like 3 hours at a time! Shitshitshit!” Hazels grip on your hair became tight as her eyes rolled back, letting out a loud moan. The knot in her stomach snapping as the white hot feeling flushes over her.

You watch her in awe. Her chest heaving as she grinds into you her other hand gripping the headboard showing her toned tricep.

You help her fully ride out her orgasm then pull away to use your shirt to clean yourself in and lay next to her gently.

Hazel turns to look at you with a tired smile spreading across her face. She cups your cheek once more kissing your forehead. “I thought it would end like this too.” She says to you quietly. “Me too.” You reply going to kiss the tip of her nose. She looks into your eyes for a moment thinking.

Her eyebrows push together as a though crosses her mind. “Did you ever eat the bagel?” You laugh at her genuinely concerned question and pull her into an embrace, warm bodies lovingly entwined. “No I actually thought I was dying though in my defense.” Hazel pouts at you.

“Did you beat up Anya?” You question her instead. “I tried to but she honestly kicked my ass sooo bad, like embarrassing I’m so happy you weren’t there” You laughed at this too.

“I looked cool though right?” She dropped her voice dramatically. “Oh yeah sooo cool.” She gasped at your sarcasm.

When your both of yours laughter dies down it’s seems both of you have the same realization that your best friend was now your girlfriend. Eyes saying what they needed too.

“You wanna watch a movie?” You asked quietly. “Only after you eat cause a $12 bagel on a college student budget is atrocious.” She kissed your forehead and nudged you to get up.

(Thank you for reading😙)

#hazel callahan #hazel callahan x reader #bottoms 2023 #bottoms movie #hazel callahan imagine #hazel callahan x you

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lizzieislife94x · 1 year ago

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Thats Not Milk Honey Pt.2 (w.m)

WandaxG!P Reader

There was room for a pt2 haha and I can't remember what other one shots I'm doing a pt2 for so I'll need to go through them and check but as always enjoy babes and feedback is always welcome and appreciated 😘

Wandas POV:

"Baby can you get me water please" I groan and wash my face 3 mornings in a row I've done nothing but vomit I really should go to the doctors "here you go my love are you ok" my caring wife asks as she rubs my back and kisses my cheek "I think I might be pregnant this is how I went when I was pregnant with emma" y/n looks at me a little shocked then smirks like an idiot "well that's what happens when my wife is a horndog and wants me to fuck her raw with no protection" I open my mouth in fake shock as I slap her arm making her laugh I mean she isn't lying the feeling of her deep inside with no condom is so good and the feeling when she unloads her seed deep inside fuck its amazing, I shake my head getting out of my thoughts before I make her fuck me right here in the bathroom "want me to go out and get a test babygirl" y/n says as she wraps her arms around me resting them on my stomach making me smile as she leavesbgentle kisses on my cheek "mhh yes please and ill make some pancakes for you getting back" she smiles and walks out of the bathroom and leaves to go to the store as I hear Emma crying I walk out into the bedroom and over to her crib "morning honey" I say as I pick her up and settle her "is someone hungry let's get you fed sweet girl" i walk downstairs and sit on the couch as I take my top off and start feeding the baby just as she's finished y/n walks in with a huge grin "boooobieeess" I can't help but laugh and look over at my dork of a wife who's eyes are glued to my boobs "eyes up here baby" she frowns and walks over sitting beside me "you know I love our darling daughter but I just got cock blocked by a baby" y/n says while laughing causing me to smirk and laugh y/n leans over to take the baby as she leaves a peck on my lips "ill look after Emma you go do the test babe" y/n whispers as she diverts her attention to our sleeping child I pull my top on and head up to the bathroom I quickly pee on the stick and set it aside, I'm not scared or nervous if it's positive that's great me and y/n always wanted to have few kids running around so it won't bother us either way I look at my phone as the timer goes off and look at the stick and laugh as I take it downstairs and hand it to y/n congratulations you knocked me up....again I say with a laugh as she smiles "were having baby number 2?" She says excitedly as I smile and place my hands on her cheeks kissing her gently "yes we are babe thats what happens when we dont use protection" i giggle quickly followed by y/n giggling we spent the rest of the day cuddling watching movies occasionally taking breaks to play with Emma when she woke up.

2 months later

Y/ns POV:

I wake up slowly with a groan of pleasure as I start to wake up I realise wanda is kissing my neck and palming my member through my boxers "mmmh fuck that feels good baby but it's 4am" wanda groans and climbs ontop of me making sure she sits on my clothed hard member a moan leaving her lips as she looks down at me running her hands down her naked body paying attention to her nipples I moan at the sight "fuck baby youre so fucking sexy" I say biting my lip as I lean up and take her nipple into my mouth sucking gently until I feel her milk flow into my mouth moaning at the taste she grips my head pulling me closer "fuck yes just like that baby I need you so bad you know I get extra horny when I'm pregnant so please just make me cum" she moans as she grinds her soaking cunt into me harder I can feel her wetness soaking my member turning me on I gently flip us as I kiss my way down her body leaving a few gently kisses on her stomach I spread her legs as I lick from her entrance to her clit swirling my tounge over her bundle of nerves earning a loud moan I smirk and look up watching her reaction to my repeated tounge actions "you...taste..so fucking...good" I say between sucking her clit I could do this all day just to hear the moans that leave her lips I latch my lips around her clit sucking and swirling my tounge as I sink 2 fingers inside her unexpectedly as she let's out a squeal quickly covering her mouth "I don't think so princess don't cover your mouth let me hear those moans the baby's asleep in her room you won't wake her" I say as I reattach my lips to her clit and thrust my fingers at a faster pace as she starts screaming from pleasure I curl my fingers at the right spot when I know she close and moan when she squirts all over my face drenching me as I slide my fingers out and take them to her mouth "suck princess" she instantly starts sucking my fingers clean making me moan at the sight I pull my fingers out and take my boxers off as she watches my every move "fuck" she pants as her breathing starts to return to normal I grab my dick leaning down as I line my member up with her dripping entrance rubbing my tip up and down her folds making us both moan at the sensation I quickly sink inside her slowly earning a loud moan "y..yessss fuck y/n oh god " I slowly thrust as I lean down kissing her passionately increasing my speed as we moan into eachothers mouths she scratches down my back as I fuck her a little harderbhitting all the right spots "I'm so close" she pants into my ear as I sit up onmy knees thrusting faster moaning at the glorious sight of my dick sliding inband out of her cunt I feel my own orgasm approach quickly as I lean mybhead back I feel her walls gripping my cock as I continue thrusting not letting her recover from her orgasm as she screams I quickly move my thumb to her clit and add the right amount of pressure "yes yes yes fuck baby yessssssss do..dont stop" she grips the sheets her knuckles turning white as I continue to thrust chasing after my own high after a few more thrusts I cum deep inside her as I moan sweat dripping from my head I slowly slide out of her and lay beside her panting "fuck baby" I breath out as we both smile I lean in and kiss her as she cuddles into me our naked body's pressed together as we both fall asleep in eachothers arms.

AN: I was extremely drunk last night and convinced I was still a little drunk this morning when I was writing this so if it makes no sense I apologise hahaha hope everyone has a great day word count 1.3k

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farity · 2 years ago

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Family is Everything, part 2

Pairing: Modern AU BabyDaddy!Aegon Targaryen x you

Yet another ficlet inspired by a picture of TGC with a bebe

Warning: OFC has unnamed chronic illness/breastfeeding issues - little bit of smut

Part 1

“Give her to me, Aegon,” Helaena demanded auntie privileges after baby Vizzy woke up from her nap. “Come here, dumpling.”

“Whoever has her when she poops changes the diaper!” Aegon yelled after his sister, who merely flipped him off as she took the baby to the kitchen, where Alicent was warming up her bottle.

You were still feeling a little guilty about having had to stop breastfeeding but having had a flare up last month where you had been in so much pain, merely breathing had been a trial. You had refused to take the new medication because it would mean no more breastfeeding your daughter.

“You know I will support you whatever you decide,” Aegon had said, sitting next to your bed. “She’s had months of getting your breast milk, she’s happy and healthy, and right now, you’re neither.”

It got so bad that he had to hold the baby up so you could feed her, and you realized that taking care of your health did not mean you were being a bad mom. You were taking care of yourself so you could take care of your daughter. Two days after starting the new medication, you were up and around, and Vizzy was learning to hold her bottle.

You felt Aegon’s arms around you as you watched Helaena feeding your daughter. “You’re an amazing mom. She is the happiest baby I’ve ever seen, and that’s your doing.” He kissed your cheek, and you turned to kiss him on the lips.

“You’re a great dad, it’s not all me.”

Helaena looked up at that moment, smiled excitedly at you two as Vizzy continued sucking on her bottle. The baby reached up and grabbed her aunt’s hand, and Helaena began cooing at her.

* * * * *

“Do you really have to hit her so hard?”

Luke winced every time Aegon smacked the baby’s back to burp her.

“She’s fine, Luke,” you said, rubbing his shoulder. “If they don’t burp, their bellies are full of air and they’re in pain.”

He nodded, but still didn’t look completely convinced.

Vizzy let out a huge burp, and Aegon smiled, “that’s my girl!” He turned her around and sat her on his leg. “Want me to burp you, too?” he asked Luke.

“Uh, can I get you over here for a moment?” Alicent’s boyfriend Criston looked at Aegon, signaling the backyard with his head.

Aegon looked at you and your eyes widened. You were pretty sure you knew what was happening, and you took your daughter from him, and went back to hang out with Luke and his brother Jace.

“So,” Luke began, “she is definitely going to have hair, right?”

* * * * *

You watched as Aemond was also summoned and then Helaena went out to the backyard, then Criston went back inside to get Alicent.

“When are Baela and Jacey coming back?” you asked while keeping watch on the kitchen door that led to the backyard. Jace’s wife Baela and their son were visiting grandparents. Baela’s sister Rhaena and Luke had a long-term flirtation going on, and there was a betting pool amongst the cousins as to who was going to be the first one to make an actual move. Most of the bets were on Rhaena.

Jace pulled out his phone and began to show you pictures Baela had sent. “He’s so big!” you exclaimed.

Smiling proudly, Jace began to share anecdotes and stories about his son, and then there was a loud cheer from the backyard and everyone in the house looked at each other. You took your daughter over to the kitchen door and looked out to the backyard, where Alicent and Criston were hugging and Aegon and his siblings were clapping. Aegon caught sight of you and beckoned you over.

Aegon hugged Criston, clapping him hard on the back before he wrapped his arms around his mother, kissing her cheek. Aemond and Helaena congratulated both of them as well before Alicent saw you and flashed her new engagement ring. “I’m so happy for you both!” you said, hugging her tightly while Aegon took your daughter.

Criston hugged you as well as Luke and Jace joined the group. “So when are you two making it official?” he asked, looking from you to Aegon.

“Don’t look at me,” Aegon said, “I’ve asked her three times. Isn’t that right, Vizzy?” The baby babbled back at her father. “She knows!” He looked at you, the love he felt for you clear in his eyes.

“I’d say we’re pretty damn official as we are,” you replied, smiling back at him.

* * * * *

Back home, Vizzy was long asleep in her crib after a full day of playing with family, and Aegon reached over to grab the back of your head. “I adore you, you know that?” He kissed you slowly, and you sighed against him. Almost four years together and you could barely remember your life before him.

He traced the line of your jaw with his fingertips, laid you back on the bed. “You’ve made my life complete,” he whispered, one hand reaching under your shirt.

You did the same, pulling up his t-shirt until he reached back to grab it and yank it over his head. His skin was hot against yours as you pulled him down with you. “You two are everything to me,” you replied. He was shoving down his pajama bottoms and as your need grew, you got rid of yours as well. “I want you, all the time, Aegon.”

He began kissing your neck, that spot under your ear that he knew made you shiver, and you wrapped your legs around him. You felt him reach between you and then he was sinking into you, the welcome weight of him pinning you to the bed. He began rocking his hips against you, the need swirling inside you as he reached under your knee and pulled your thigh up higher, sinking even deeper into you. “Fuck,” he moaned, letting his head sink into your hair.

You rolled your hips to match him, your breathing uneven as you felt him get even harder inside you. You loved it when he lost himself inside you, when he was became incoherent with need for you, and your nails sank into his back as he began to thrust harder. You were so close, your whimpers louder and louder until the orgasm hit you, the rolling wave of pleasure taking over until you felt him groaning into your hair and after a few more thrusts, you were both still, wrapped around each other.

* * * * *

“Remember when we met and you thought I was a spoiled fuck boy?”

You smiled, warm and safe in the cocoon of his arms. “Aegon, you were a spoiled fuck boy.” You looked up and catch him smiling.

“And then you brought me to your place, fucked me twice, and threw me out right after.”

It was your turn to smile. “And yet here we are.” You had fallen in lust with Aegon the moment you met him, and you’d realized what he was all about. A rich boy who’d never had any boundaries.

So you gave him some.

His mother liked to tell you that you’d turned the boy into a man but in your mind, the man had always been there. He needed someone who believed in him and told him “no” once in a while.

“I love you,” you whispered against his cheek, brushing his hair out of his eyes.

“And I love you, my heart.”

He held you close, and you drifted off to sleep together, legs intertwined.

#aegon targaryen #aegon targaryen x oc #aegon x oc #aegon ii targaryen #aegon x reader #aegon ii x oc

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jodilin65 · 9 years ago

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SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 28, 2015 So the dream premonitions are back after all. Yeah, apparently the dream I had where my sister called me up sounding horrible and telling me about some bad health news wasn’t just a dream after all. I had told her about it and that I wasn’t going to worry because it had been a long time since I’ve had any dream premonitions. You’re wrong, she told me, saying that she had been very ill. She said she would leave me a message later on letting me know what it’s about. It sucks but it really comes as no surprise. I have had neutral to negative dream premonitions about almost every single person that I’m close to. I should have figured that the dream meant something.

On a happier note, I have been having so much fun leaving voice messages using Facebook’s messaging with my smartphone. I messaged over half a dozen or so of my Facebook friends. I even exchanged a few voice messages with Raj. He definitely speaks better than he writes, though the Indian accent is rather hard for me to understand because I am not as used to it as I am accents of Hispanic people. Even the English accent is much easier to understand.

He really is a nice guy and I kind of feel bad for him. Within Indian culture arranged marriages are quite common and so I think he feels stuck with this woman he never truly loved, as nice as she is, and a son he may also not have really wanted. I also think he feels a little trapped location-wise as well. He wants to head to the big city where there are more people and there is more action, but Tina does not like the city. Can’t say I blame her. I hated the cold and the snow up there but I did definitely like how there were fewer people and the atmosphere was so much more relaxed and things were at a slower pace.

So now that I am definitely sure that Raj really is Raj, I added him back, even if he may be a pest at times. It would be awesome if they both lived near us, though I’m not sure I would want to be alone with the guy, LOL.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 27, 2015 Tom has decided that he is jealous of his wife’s faster and more powerful computer and that he is going to get one for himself real soon. He was thinking of getting a Mac Mini that he would hook up to one of the monitors he got from work. I definitely love the speed of this thing and how I can wear my bifocals so that I can glance out the window and see off into the distance as well. With the big Mac I had to wear my single visions which would blur the distance big time.

There are only a few things about it I don’t like. The mouse that I connected to it doesn’t always wake up right away when I go to use it after a while of not using it, and there is no backspace key. The sound isn’t quite as good either. I love everything else about it and we are thinking of looking at some outdoor furniture this weekend so I can take it outside in the fresh air and sunshine when the weather warms up. That is if it ever really warms up. It was beautiful yesterday at 70°, but today and tomorrow it is supposed to rain.

As I was telling Tammy and Andy, I can once again sit down in an Indian-style position without using my hands to keep me from toppling over. Almost, anyway. From a standing position I cross my legs and then sit down Indian-style, but I did have to put my hand out at the last minute. Soon I will be able to do it once again with no hands. I could once do this with a full cup of coffee in my hand.

I had a bad dream about Tammy calling with some bad health news. I’m not worried about it, though, because I haven’t had any dream premonitions in years. I also had a dream that suggested we might have been living in Florida, and Tammy was bitching that she didn’t see enough of me, LOL. Then I was seeing her every day and I joked about her seeing me more in one week than she had in over 20 years.

My new doll did arrive yesterday after all, and she is so adorable and very realistic.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 26, 2015 Tom now believes that instead of having a pulled muscle in his back it has to do with the sacroiliac nerve, also known as the sciatic nerve. He was in so much pain this morning when he first got up that he didn’t think he would be able to get to work, something I have mixed emotions about which I will get to in a minute. He read that applying ice to the area helps it and it did help it a lot. Keeping active seems to help it too, and he realizes that laying around like he did last weekend probably made it worse.

He expects the overtime to start slowing down and have more time for us to do the things we want to do.

Yesterday, after I ate, I noticed that my heart started racing a bit. It was nothing scary, but it did have me a little concerned. I’m not sure why it happened. I don’t know, maybe I had a pocket flare. This lasted for about 45 minutes and I also felt like I was freezing cold for a while there too. Then I felt myself trembling and I was going from hot to cold, and then it eventually passed altogether. So just when my confidence was back to pretty much 100% as far as being left alone without feeling so anxious, it has put a little dent in my confidence. I’m not scared, and I’m not even anxious, but I am slightly concerned and I feel like I have a long day ahead of me. Alone, of course. Tom left for work not too long ago.

It really is starting to look like this is it; my weight is going to go down after all. The only difference is that because I don’t feel like pushing it by dieting and exercising like crazy, it is going to drop very slowly. Like maybe 5 pounds a year or something, but I would rather lose it slowly and more comfortably than lose it fast and always be hungry as hell. What’s the hurry anyway?

I am doing things to keep my mind occupied. I love technology as much as I hate it and I have been having so much fun with the MacBook’s built-in dictation. My big Mac had this as well but remember, my big Mac is now a golden oldie at six or seven years old. It is much, much slower. Running the dictation on that thing slows everything down big time.

I have decided that as soon as I can sync things up on both Macs, I am ready to switch from the Big Mac to the laptop. It is so much faster. I really like the idea of talking more and typing less. That way I don’t have to cut my nails either, though they are getting so long that what editing I do have to do with the keyboard is getting to be a real pain in the ass. It’s going to take some getting used to but I think that the few cons will be worth the pros and the end. The only real negatives to the laptop are that the screen isn’t as big for displaying graphics and the sound isn’t as good, but those are things I can live with. It’s a little annoying that the keyboard doesn’t have a backspace either.

Using Google’s voice recognition is simple enough on the phone when texting and Facebook messaging, but it’s a little tricky for Ask. I use the dictation and deal with Ask on the laptop because I change pictures anyway each time I check in.

I pushed my big Mac toward the back of my desk, which is very large, and then I placed the laptop on the keyboard tray. It still has to be relatively close to me if I want to be able to use my bifocals when using the laptop. It has been my hope all along that if I downsize my screen size I could wear bifocals only and dump my single visions. I would hate it when I would be wearing my single visions, glance out the window, and barely be able to see a thing. One of the biggest pros is how portable this thing is. I love being out to pick it up anytime I feel like it and using it in any room I want. I can take it outside into the carport or anywhere I want. We really ought to get some outdoor furniture because right now there is no place to set it down if I go outside.

The Adora baby doll I ordered is in San Pablo, California so she’s not going to make it home today.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 25, 2015 My latest pick in the erotic bronze lady statue collection arrived. I like how she is affixed to the plinth she sits on.

I had a dream we were in the back room of our Phoenix house and it began to rain so hard we had to shout to hear each other over the pummeling rains. Tom showed me a letter that came in the mail listing some scented incense, candles or waxes that I had ordered which were out of stock. Another list was provided of available scents to choose from as replacements. One of the scents was lobster, LOL.

In the next dream, Tom and I were in a very long house that was owned and rented by different people. I think we rented or owned a section on one end of it. The house seemed to be filled with people at one point and one woman said she and those she lived with rented one section of the house and owned another section. Then I heard kids screaming and balls bouncing out back as some people geared up to party. I hoped the kids that were visiting wouldn’t be staying overnight. I then stepped into a room in front of the house where Tom was talking to a woman and a man. They were by the window. I laid down on a twin bed that was by the door and felt myself drifting off to sleep.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 24, 2015 My sister posted on Facebook in reference to it being three years since our father died. I totally forgot about that. I honestly can’t understand how her heart can ache for him as she said it does or how anybody else can miss the guy. Have they forgotten? Have they forgotten how he allowed his wife to abuse his children? Whatever Dureen wanted, Dureen got. Had that evil bitch begged him to take us out in the backyard, kill us and bury us, he would have gladly done so. That’s the type of guy he was. He totally allowed himself to be Dureen’s piece of clay to shape and mold at will. He had absolutely no backbone of his own.

I can never and will never forgive him any more than I will forgive her. When my mother one day decided – hey, let’s give up on our daughter and let’s send her away – he readily went along with it. They BOTH threw me into the hands of strangers, most of which was crazier than they drove me.

However, people totally have a right to feel how they feel just as I have a right to feel how I feel. It isn’t that I have a problem with how they feel, it’s that I don’t understand it. But not understanding something doesn’t make it incorrect. It’s like how people can’t understand how I can be agnostic. Well, they may not understand, but it doesn’t make me wrong for not knowing for sure if there is or isn’t a God. All I do know for sure is that if there is a God, I blame that God for allowing those who have abused me to abuse me AND get away with it, just as much as I blame the abusers themselves.

He wasn’t just an enabler, though. He did enough shit all on his own, both to me and my siblings. I clearly remember to this day being woken in the night by the sounds of him beating my much older brother and sister’s asses with his beloved belt.

I realize that if I haven’t been able to forgive my parents, the people in Arizona, and a possible God after all these years, then I more than likely never will. I’m not even sure I want to. Wouldn’t my ability to forgive such atrocities mean I’ve gotten much too soft for my own good? I feel like I wouldn’t have much self-respect if I could forgive those who have crossed the line to such a degree as they have. To me, there are things to forgive and then there are things that aren’t appropriate to forgive. I understand, though, that everybody has different tolerance levels and that different people have different definitions as to what’s forgivable and what’s not, and that’s okay. I’ll never hold it against anybody for what they believe or what they forgive as long as they don’t try to make me into them. I just might not get it is all.

I have often wondered, regardless of what other people feel, think or believe, just how would I react if there really was such a thing as an afterlife and my parents were waiting for me there when I die. Would I want to throw up at the sight of them? Would I want to kick the crap out of them? Or would I cave into the soft side I try not to cave into in real life for my own good, and walk into their open arms? That is assuming they really were open and not pointing a hateful and condemning finger at me for being unable to forgive them.

Well, I can’t speak for the afterlife because I don’t know if there is one, and if there is, I don’t know what it’s like till I get there. I can only speak for this life, and in this life, I make absolutely zero apologies for how I feel. As a therapist once told me, there is no right or wrong way to feel. Just let yourself feel whatever it is you’re going to feel. Oh, I will. She can rest assured on that one.

Later…

Yesterday I finished the proofreading of my old journals. The question now is whether or not I want to make them available to the public, or just stick to the current year. Right now I think I will just stick to the here and now because nobody really seems to be interested in the past anyway.

It is looking like Hoodie is going to live after all. We’re not sure if he really got sick or if he just got depressed or what his problem was. While he still seems a little off, I don’t see him dying anytime soon.

As for me, it is so nice to be back to my old self and it is so nice not to be afraid to be left alone like I was for a while there when I felt at my worst. Don’t get me wrong, I still don’t like being alone as much as I used to, and I also wish Tom didn’t have to work so much, great money or not. But at least the anxiety and other symptoms I had when I was on too much medication are gone and I haven’t needed a chill pill in 3 months.

I have two appointments on the same day – March 24th – with the podiatrist and the ear specialist.

In last night’s dream, I was living in the house that I grew up in which was next to my maternal grandparents. My grandmother was still alive in the dream, too.

I was home alone when I glanced out the kitchen window and into the backyard and saw a guy in his late teens or early twenties wrapping a small child in a blanket that he had either killed or knocked unconscious. I was terrified that he might have spotted me and that he would break into the house before I could call the police. I seemed to know this guy and suspected he had harmed other children in the past. I tried to console myself, telling myself the doors and windows were locked, but deep down I knew he had his ways of getting into any house he wanted.

I called the police on a landline and the woman that answered asked me to take a picture of myself and send it to her, assuming I was on a cell phone that could do that. Just as I was trying to tell her that I was on a landline, I heard sirens come screaming down the little dead-end road.

I jumped up and flung the front door open and screamed for help just as paramedics rushed to my grandmother’s house next door. I figured this was it for her and that she was probably dead. Realizing I was dressed only in my bra and panties, I ran upstairs to throw some clothes on, terrified the guy might break into the house before I could get dressed and get help. I awoke to realize I’d left the front door wide open.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 23, 2015 I totally love my new smartphone! Now that I’ve gotten to know it I am totally addicted to it. Not just texting but doing speech-to-text on other sites like Facebook and Twitter. If I weren’t into writing or watching videos, this would be all the computer I would need. It basically does everything I need to do. This thing can do a lot more than my desktop in some ways. My desktop can’t make phone calls. I just couldn’t type on this thing very easily but with voice recognition built-in I don’t need to.

I set up avatars for my contacts and all kinds of things on my phone after Tom loaded my pics and music to it, and now I can just talk my messages straight into Facebook chat when I want to send my sister a message or anybody else there. I also exchanged a few text messages with both Tom and Aly this morning. The texts look so cool on the larger screen and I love the way it puts the avatars by the bubble of text, and well, this phone is just so much nicer than the old one. I love how much faster it is, too. It does a much better job keeping connected to the wifi from the bedroom, which is far away from it. The other one would constantly cut out. Sometimes it even cut out from the laundry room.

As I said in my previous entry, I deleted Raj because I wasn’t totally sure it was the right Raj and because he came on too strong. When he got up after just 5 hours of sleep (I remember he and Tina said they didn’t sleep much), he tried to add me but I ignored the request. Pushy, aren’t we?

It’s definitely the right Raj, though. I browsed through his profile some more and finally found pictures of Tina. I just didn’t recognize her right away because I haven’t seen her since late 2004 and she has gained a lot of weight and aged quite a bit, too. So yeah, it’s definitely the right Raj. Besides, how many people with his name could work at the same motel in the same tiny town? I was just a little thrown off by his shitty English and his pushiness. I also don’t understand why he would say he has no babies yet when he has a 10-year-old son. Perhaps Tina is expecting at the moment?

I also realize that just because he could speak English well enough doesn’t mean he can write it very well, although I would think he would write it well enough for as long as he’s been in the US. The strangest thing was his asking me to call him and offering to come to my city. For what? To fuck my brains out?

Raj getting my friend request got me thinking that maybe Andy was right when he said that the sexy but not-so-good doc probably did get my friend request and deleted it. I can’t say for sure that she got my messages, though, because Facebook has been well known to not always deliver messages. I would think they would come up as being seen had she gotten them, but she could always go and mark them as unread after reading them to make me wonder as I do. I’m going to assume that she did and I’m going to have a little fun with her. I just thought she might like to get a certain story that she stars in, one chapter at a time, LOL.

Hot doc “liked” a 4.5 million dollar house in the Lake Tahoe area. Is she really going to get a house that big and expensive if it’s just her and her BF? I wonder if she’ll ever get married or have kids. Honestly, she doesn’t strike me as the motherly type. Like most women these days, she’s too into her career. On top of that, she’s a real travel freak.

If there were anybody I felt a bit jealous of these days, it would be her. She’s tall and gorgeous, she’s got a great career with great money, she’s been nearly all over the world, she can drive, she can keep a schedule, and from what I can tell she has wonderful parents. Her only dull feature is her eyes. The rest is pretty damn perfect. I have a feeling she’s just as lucky in lust and in bed.

I still suspect she didn’t get the friend request. If I’m right about something up there having something against me being in contact with local hotties, it might’ve intercepted it. I sent a request a few times, actually, as a test of sorts. If someone sent me that many unwanted requests, I’d choose the option of disallowing future friend requests from them or block them completely. So then why didn’t she do either of those? Maybe in her mind, she doesn’t want to give me a reaction of any kind and that, in a sense, would be a reaction.

I am more doubtful about my messages making it to her, but I will never know for sure as long as I never hear from her, and I certainly don’t expect to. Because I can never know for sure, though, I will probably still send one chapter each week of the story she’s in.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 22, 2015 I’m doing my first speech-to-text entry on my brand-new smartphone. The phone is definitely bigger and faster, but I haven’t learned everything about it yet. Before the weekend is out I should have it down pat, though, because it is the same operating system as it was on my old phone.

My old phone will now be designated to playing “basket music” only. That means that I start music playing on it and set the phone in the basket of my bike when I go out riding.

Other than being excited over the new phone, other goodies we have on the way to us, feeling good both physically and mentally and the fact that I’m now lighter than I have been in over a year and a half, I am very sad to say that we finally lost Sugar. He was alive at 5 p.m. according to Tom because he was out walking around his cage then. But when I got up a couple of hours later and went to look in on him, he was dead. Early Saturday morning, he was acting like he was having a seizure. Tom wondered if his memories were all jumbled up and he thought he was young again, based on the way he was trying to climb and jump like he did when he was young and before he had a stroke. We both knew that it was a sign that the end was near, for animals often get one final burst of energy before they die.

I will miss my beloved Sugar ratty, especially the young, healthy ratty from before he had a stroke. I miss the way I would lay on the floor and he would come running from across the room and leap onto my back or my head and then snuggle up with me after he got tired of playing. He didn’t sit with me for long, though, because he was a very energetic little fella.

The fate of Hoodie is still unknown but I can say that it doesn’t look good right now. I have no idea if this is some kind of respiratory illness he’s got or if it’s some type of organ failure. He doesn’t appear to be struggling to breathe like Sugar was in the end. He is just weak and doesn’t have much of an appetite. If I had to guess, we will probably end up losing him too, because sick rodents rarely recover.

The only other negative thing right now is Tom’s back. He injured a muscle in his back and it is taking forever to get better. Hopefully, he won’t have to go to a chiropractor and it will heal on its own. He’s done this before but I don’t know if it’s ever been this rough on him in the past.

Other than his pain and the loss of Sugar, life is wonderful for us. If things could stay this way for a good long while, that would be great! For a time I felt like I would never again experience anything new and exciting and that while my life may be productive, it would also be very predictable throughout the remainder of it. But now I feel as if I have more things to look forward to. Not just the things that I enjoy doing on a daily basis, but new things as well, both material and not. I also feel like I have my dream of retiring in Maui to look forward to, even though it is very unlikely that this will come to pass, and Florida if it doesn’t. A tropical climate is the one climate I have yet to live in. I’ve lived in the northeast, the southwest, the northwest, the west, so maybe next up is the southeast if Hawaii doesn’t happen.

Got a new wax cube scent to try, Sugared Lavender Twist. I love it because it reminds me of my favorite perfume, Pink Sugar. It’s those little things in life that I really look forward to. I also got Vintage Lace, which reminds me of White Shoulders perfume.

My butterfly stickers, or what I thought were stickers, arrived today. I was originally going to decorate the side of the bookcase with them but then I saw that they’re not wall decals like I thought they were, but they’re 3D with little magnets on them instead. There are little round stickers you can place on top of the magnets but Tom said he read online that people complained that they didn’t stick well. Since the hood of the stove is metal, I decided to just toss them on that. So now there’s a whole swarm of pink butterflies over the stove. It looks pretty cool and definitely adds color to the area, even if some may consider it a bit gaudy.

In my dreams last night someone knocked on the door and Tom and I stepped out onto the front porch to talk to them, leaving the door slightly ajar. Some guy was there and he and Tom started talking about whatever. The guy then started to step into our house when I grabbed him by the arm and pulled him back saying, “Excuse me, but this is our house.” Next thing I know we’re inside the house with the guy’s girlfriend while the guy goes and has some photos developed. We were all talking about who knows what. It wasn’t much of a dream.

Later…

Cruuuunch went the sound of the shovel slicing through the dirt as Tom placed a foot on the shovel and guided it down through the earth to the left of Romeo and just outside the master suite. Tears slowly slid down my face as I sadly watched him lower the tiny box that held Sugar into the hole he’d dug. Although I’d heard that slow crunching sound as metal drove through dirt many times before as many rats as we’ve had, it is still a sad sound. The sound of death. The sound of loss. The sound of sadness.

They overpaid Tom by $250 last week. He told them about it, but they haven’t taken the money back. As he said, he’s not about to keep reminding them of their mistake, hahaha.

When we lost our land up in Klamath Falls, Oregon, we stayed in an efficiency motel until we could rent a place. One such place we were at for a couple of months was owned and run by an Indian family that was super nice to us. Tina and Raj lived with Raj’s parents, and I know there were other family members who lived at the motel or nearby. Raj and Tina had just had a son. This was back in the fall of 2004.

Anyway, I was reading something about someone with the same last name as Patel when it struck me as being familiar. I realized it was their last name and decided to look them up on Facebook. I was unable to find Tina, and I don’t know if that was her given name anyway. That might have been the name she chose for herself upon arriving in America. They were first in Tampa, but after having numerous problems with blacks, they relocated to Klamath Falls.

While I don’t miss the cold and the snow there, I definitely miss how there weren’t very many people there and there were no bustling freeways either. It was a very laid-back, safe and friendly town. Not very liberal, though. I don’t think there was even a synagogue in the area.

Nonetheless, I was unable to find Tina, but I did find Raj and sent him a friend request. He accepted and I told him who I was. That’s when the confusion began. I noticed that there weren’t any pictures of Tina on his timeline. In fact, I couldn’t even find anybody on his friend list with that name. He began pestering me with messages and said he did not have any babies yet, and his English also seemed to be horrible. So horrible that I couldn’t understand half of what he said. The Raj and Tina I knew had pretty good English. The parents didn’t speak it, but by the time Raj and Tina went to school in India, it was a mandated subject.

He also gave me his number and asked me to call and then asked when I would be in the area. When I told him that we had no plans to return to Oregon, he said, “How about if I come to your city?” Well, I don’t know how many people could possibly have the same name in such a tiny town, LOL, but that’s when I decided to delete him.

It isn’t very cold tonight, but it is super windy. The wind chimes are rocking and the awning that spans across the big living room windows is vibrating.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 20, 2015 I don’t fucking believe this, but it looks like we’re going to lose BOTH Sugar and Hoodie. For the last 2 or 3 days, Hoodie has been acting very weak, inactive, and doesn’t seem to have much of an appetite at all. The only thing is that Hoodie is still young, like maybe only a year old if even that. Sugar is now very old, and because Hoodie was spending so much time in the borough sleeping with him, I thought it was a sign that this was the beginning of the end for Sugar because rats take care of their own when they get sick or are dying.

I totally, totally regret getting Cappy. Never have we had a rat this timid. He doesn’t bite or anything, but he is extremely antisocial for a rat. Overall we haven’t had the greatest rat luck since coming to Cali, so maybe it really is time to switch from rats to cats.

I went outside and did some walking but I only made one round around the circle because it is just too damn cold. It sucks too, because this would be an ideal time to be out there. I was fearless, though, and my heart behaved.

I have really come to love boy shorts too, even if both of the ones I got are a little big on me.

We ordered two Alcatel smartphones, which I call Alcatraz phones, haha, and they are a lot faster. They also come with face recognition. I also got a gorgeous doll I have been wanting for a while but just hadn’t gotten around to getting, for $95. She’s an Adora baby doll (Workout Chic). She is a very realistic-looking 20-inch toddler doll with two upper and two lower teeth. She has the sweetest face and realistic-looking brown eyes and brown hair. None of it is costing us a thing either, because it’s coming out of our tax refund.

I accidentally stumbled across these cute little figurines from the Forever in Blue Jeans collection that are both realistic and not. The shapes of their bodies are realistic but they have no distinctive facial features. They’re small, cute and inexpensive, so I might grab a few.

I let a fellow blogger/follower cry on my shoulder tonight cuz she was diagnosed with hypothyroidism today. It feels good to help others if only to listen and hug them in cyberspace and share my experiences with them. They wanted to know my experience on the levothyroxine, which as you know, was a living hell for a few months when they upped my dose to 75mcgs. I told her I’ve been fine on 50mcgs and not to let my experience scare her since everyone’s different, but just to keep in mind that hair loss and racy hearts are something you gotta watch out for. When you’re on the right dose, though, the disease is no big deal. It’s only a problem if you take no medication or too much medication.

She said she figured she’d get it cuz her mother and grandmother have it. Another reason to be glad I don’t have a daughter to pass this shit down to, even though there are worse diseases to have. My own diagnosis came as no surprise to me. Losing weight is supposed to become hard with age, not impossible.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 19, 2015 Tom pulled a back muscle a few days ago and it is getting better day by day. He thinks that due to stopping yoga that’s why. I keep backaches away by keeping my core strengthened with ab crunches and back flies, though nothing keeps the backaches away that I tend to get before periods.

Slept my usual 8-9 hours, but awoke nearly half a dozen times along the way as I always do, for no reason at all. I fall back asleep in just a minute or two, but I sure miss the days when I’d close my eyes and not open them again till it was time to get up. Haven’t done that in years, though, and I know that’s just a normal part of aging.

Had a dream that next door’s place was parallel to the street instead of the other way around. I was outside walking just after dark when I realized I could just about see into Bob and Virginia’s bedroom through the partially closed slat of their blinds. The room was long and large. It looked neat, modern and stylish. From left to right was a big-screen TV, a couch that faced the TV, and then a bed directly behind the couch, allowing one to watch TV from either the bed or the couch. Along the wall opposite the window was a long dresser. Bob was seated on the couch watching TV when I saw Jim amble into the room as he was going to sit next to Bob. Bob then turned and spotted me peering into the window and shouted in fear.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 18, 2015 I was just about to start writing when I heard a bunch of gunshots off in the distance. I don’t know much about guns so I couldn’t really say what type it was but it definitely seemed like it was something both big and loud. The kind that rings out with a loud rapport and doesn’t make a quick popping sound like a small pistol. Probably just some pig-popping an unarmed suspect, but we’ll only hear about it if the person’s black. If they’re white, nobody will give a shit.

I’m totally fascinated by the prospect of Mars One! To think that some people may be living on Mars is just incredible. The thought of going to live on another planet and never returning to Earth would be both exciting and terrifying to me. I hope that somewhere within the 50 women and 50 men that end up being chosen for this mission, is a doctor of sorts. I hate to be one of the ones to go and then fall and break my leg and not have any of the other 99 people be able to help me. And what if I needed life-saving medication all of a sudden?

I don’t think I would like to go to a place where I could never ever go outdoors. I’ve never been a very outdoorsy person myself, preferring to stay indoors where there are no bugs. But I couldn’t imagine staying indoors every single minute of every single day.

Think of all the things you could get away with there! You could kill somebody and never have to worry about going to jail for murder, LOL. If you were on the run for murder and got sent to Mars, you would never have to worry about being picked up and sent to jail, although I would assume that they would seriously screen their applicants. I’m sure they not only don’t want to send any criminals to Mars, but they don’t want any crazies either.

It is still an amazing plan even though it’s hard to believe that they would make it, at least the first few batches of people that they send anyway. I hope they really do attempt this before I die, as I really would like to know how it turns out.

Sooner or later the earth will become inhabitable and any existing humans will be forced to relocate, but personally, I think the world will end within one to two hundred years due to nuclear warfare. There are a frightening number of crazies out there who will kill in the name of a God that probably doesn’t even exist, and they won’t hesitate to kill themselves while they take others out with them either.

Here’s something weird that I don’t get. As I mentioned a while back, I got a letter from my old endocrinologist saying she was moving to Southern California. What was weird about it is that I’m not only not her patient anymore, but she is still listed as practicing in NorCal. Does it just take time for these doctor’s new locations to update online? It’s just strange and it’s got me curious.

Later…

How great it feels to be back to my old self! It’s amazing – and scary – the fine line between how helpful and hurtful some medications can be.

Last night I had this dream that a house belonging to somebody my Aunt Ruth knew was going to be empty for a while. For some reason, I felt compelled to break into the house and spend the day in the place.

All of a sudden, the younger version of my aunt that I knew 25 years ago let herself in the front door. I quickly tried to tell her that I received a phone call asking me to come and check the place out.

“Martini?” my aunt asked, and I knew she was asking if that was what the person said their last name was. I simply said that they didn’t give me their last name.

She seemed to buy this lame story, and then we both went about our business of doing whatever. I eventually fell asleep on the couch and awoke when I heard the click of the door as my aunt left. I got up, realizing that the owners could be home any second.

I began to gather my stuff, whatever that was, when all of a sudden I heard growling. I glanced to the left and saw a large dog growling at something it heard outside and I began to panic at the thought of the owners returning home before I could get out of the house. I figured that my aunt would never know I wasn’t really supposed to be there as long as the owners didn’t catch me.

I also dreamed of C, but I don’t know exactly what happened in the dream. Hmm… could it have been X-rated?

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 17, 2015 Nothing to really update today. I’m still sticking to my doctor’s suggestion of being on 50mcgs for 3 full months and feeling great. The weight still won’t budge but I knew years ago that it never would. It’s just part of Hashimoto’s.

The Ford has been sold and we’re now rearranging the carport. Since the bikes are more exposed we decided to chain them up so that some kid visiting his grandma doesn’t impulsively decide to steal them, even if we probably have a better chance of winning the lottery.

I had a dream that Nane was driving us somewhere in Germany and she was pissed for some reason. The angrier she became, the faster she drove. I was afraid to even utter a word as her driving was making me nervous and I didn’t want to piss her off into going even faster.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 16, 2015 It was yesterday that I realized that if I had never quit smoking, I would now be smoking for 35 years. I wonder if I would even still be alive given the fact that I have asthma (which has gone dormant since I quit) and my lungs are smaller than your average adult’s lungs.

Definitely feeling much better on 50 micrograms. I don’t think I will ever be able to take 75 micrograms anymore than I can stand to take nothing at all. The only time my heart gets a little racy is when I’m working out or when I first wake up, and that’s the way it should be. It’s wonderful feeling like myself again both physically and mentally.

We got a new keyboard and mouse to go with my new laptop, which arrived today. Virginia didn’t recognize me at first when I went to get the mail. She said this was because I look even younger. LOL, is senility setting in?

Yesterday I was able to handle Cappy for the first time since bringing him home, but I am really coming to believe that getting him is going to be my biggest mistake of 2015. Never have we had a rat this timid, and rats are pretty much who they are with their own individual personalities just like people, and so there is only so much that can be done to change them.

Got a blog view from behind the White House. That’s interesting.

Had a mixture of dreams last night. In one I went bike riding with my sexy ex-doc, and then I think we went back to her place afterward where she served us some ice cream to cool off.

Then I was gazing at Tom who was sleeping on the couch, and then I spotted a stethoscope sitting on a nearby table. I picked them up and listened to my heartbeat. Definitely not something I would care to do after being able to feel it as often as I have been able to feel the damn thing.

In the last dream, we were living in a rural setting, although I don’t know where. We had just arrived home from somewhere and it was very dark. I said to Tom that the only thing that sucked about living there was how far we had to park the car from the house, imagining how terrified we’d be if a bear jumped out at us before we could get to the door of the house.

Just then a car pulled up from the opposite side of the house and I thought it kind of strange that anybody would happen by that late at night. It gave me an uneasy feeling. The car stopped and a guy got out of it just as I was heading up the steps toward the front door. A few words were exchanged although I couldn’t hear what was said, and then Tom turned to me and told me to call 911. I quickly fumbled to unlock the door with the call in mind and then I planned to get the sharpest knife we had after the call was made.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 2015 Sawing, hammering, company galore next door, visiting kids bike riding… I’d never guess I was in a retirement community today! Now that I know that retirement communities have just as much daytime noise as the mainstream (minus the incessant barking and loud car stereos) I can at least relax about it if I want to crank up the tunes while cleaning. Even though next door told me not to worry about my music, and even though there is only one person who’s been noisy on a regular basis that can be heard inside our house, there’s no way I’m going to respect and consider those that don’t respect and consider me. Then again, if both the law and the park say they’re not doing anything wrong, then neither am I if I want to blast my music. The saws are WAY louder than my music is, and my music is indoors in which the windows are usually shut.

Yeah, I know, I know… this is normal daytime noise that occurs everywhere, especially when the weather’s finally as gorgeous as it is, and I know I would hear the same things in Florida as well as in Maui. I’m far from the only one who will tell you that unless it’s super cold, super hot, raining or snowing, life is noisy during the daytime. It’s always quiet at night, though, so when I get to cussing out my sleep disorder and how much more convenient it would be if I could be on days only, I’ll remember the peacefulness of the nighttime and enjoy it. Warmer climates are always noisier than cold ones anyway, till the cold ones warm up. Even if it’s not always as quiet as I’d like it to be here, at least there are no welfare bums and college kids to have to deal with.

As for a more detailed report of this beautiful but not-so-peaceful Sunday, the contractor is replacing his windows, but just like Jesse would, I’m sure he’ll go right into a whole ‘nother project once this is done. I had no idea so many older guys had such creative juices flowing within them that so many of them built/upgraded one thing after another as they seem to love to do.

Next door, who rarely has company, has more company than I’ve ever known them to have but they’re quiet. I can see at least 3 cars over there. Maybe it’s Bob or Virginia’s birthday, or maybe their anniversary.

Lastly, Granny was out riding bikes with her daughter and granddaughter earlier. I think they’re the ones living on the other side of the circle. The ones that leave their mutt outdoors almost all the time and that amazingly get away with it, too. That I know for sure is against park rules. Dogs and cats are supposed to be brought in as pets only. Do any kids live there? I think they might’ve for a while a year or so ago, but I don’t think so now. I’d see the kid more often, I would think, if it were living there. Technically, as long as you tell the office, you can have people stay with you for at least two weeks.

I just kick on the sound machine during the daytime and that drowns out most of it. Then I just do the things that don’t require a quiet background until it gets dark. No biggie, since I do love the sounds of wind, rain, oceans and other nature sounds I got from Amazon Prime.

Tom and I changed the big rat cage and then went and got some fresh air ourselves. It’s so beautiful out! This time we went out on foot and mixed walking and running. Tomorrow we’ll go riding.

Had a dream there was a canal running through the city. It was about 3’ deep and 8’ wide and had fish swimming in its relatively clear waters. The city installed a long, skinny heater to thread through the canal that they believed would keep the city warmer during the wintertime. I watched as all the fish in it died off as the water heated up, and almost felt bad for them.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 14, 2015 It is a BEAUTIFUL dry sunny day in the 70s. The kind that makes me glad I’m not in humid Florida (until the temp drops tonight). Bike riding in the direct sunlight was almost too warm, but we rode down to the lake and back. The ducks were pretty relaxed today.

My doctor’s appointment went well, but as usual, one appointment has led to not just one more, but two more. Not with my primary, but with an ear specialist as well as a podiatrist. She wants the podiatrist to give me her opinion as far as my ingrown toenail goes and the fungus that I have in both big toenails and one smaller one. As Doc A knows, I’m still wary of taking medication unless it’s absolutely necessary. Although this fungus isn’t dangerous and I’m not in any pain, she said it could get worse if I ignore it. I guess the medication for it would be for 12 weeks and the only slight risk she mentioned is to the liver, but she thinks I’ll be ok because I’m only taking thyroid medication and not a whole bunch of medication.

It turns out that I fasted for nothing because they did not test my cholesterol the last time I had blood work done. They only tested my thyroid. My T3 and T4 came back normal as it always does; it’s the TSH that’s the problem. I was mistaken too, in thinking that the TSH settled in in just two weeks after starting medication or raising the dose when it’s actually closer to 6 weeks. It’s the other one that settles in and just a couple of weeks. So my TSH will probably be under 13 by the time I have the next blood test which is anytime after April 6th at which time they will also test my cholesterol.

My heart rate and my blood pressure were amazingly normal, just like when I first saw both new docs.

After the appointment, we stopped and ate at Jack in the Box, but instead of getting my usual burger and fries, I got a piece of chocolate chip creampie and fries instead, along with my beloved strawberry soda.

After we ate I spotted a PETCO and wanted to go there to see if they had fleece-lined hammocks for the rats. They not only had those that I grabbed one with a zebra print and another with a leopard print, but they had tons of cute rats, too. One adorable little fella stood out with a dark head and light body. He does have some dark lines along his back but since there is a gap between the dark “cap” on his head and the stripe down the back, he is not considered a hooded rat like Hoodie, but a capped rat and therefore I named him Cappy.

Unfortunately, as adorable as he is, he is extremely timid. I need to stop judging things by their appearances! I don’t know why, but other than Sugar and Tink I’ve had shitty rat luck since coming to Cali. They’re always so timid here! So I guess that when we lose Sugar, which could be anytime now, we’ll consider a kitten and let Hoodie and Cappy be it for a while rat-wise.

I’ve never had a problem introducing baby rats to adult rats, but Hoodie terrified the shit out of Cappy so bad that we put him in the small cage, which is better anyway because he could probably squeeze through the bars of the big cage. Hoodie’s new nickname is Mr. Neidich. Neidich is German for jealous, and not surprisingly, he was jealous of the attention Cappy was getting. Romeo reacted the same way when we got Hoodie.

Later…

I guess I should start writing down some of the dreams I had over the last two nights before I forget them. I didn’t really like the dream I had a couple of nights ago because I was in some kind of psych ward, and my mother and brother might have been alive in the dream, too. I didn’t seem to know Tom. Shortly after I was admitted I asked for a cup of coffee and was told that that would be the last one I would have because my new meds were “too strong for coffee.”

I’m not sure if this was part of the same dream or not, but I was mandated to take regular guitar lessons and promised to be made a very good player for it. Although I once had an interest in the guitar in real life when I was younger, I was trying to tell the people in the dream that I had no interest in instruments these days and that I wanted to write.

In last night’s dream, it seemed I was also somewhere, against my will or not. Some black guy who seemed to be in charge placed a large bowl down on a table and announced that it was the week’s soap, and it was my understanding that we were each to take a box that contained a small bar. I noticed that the soaps were scented and the one that caught my interest was strawberry-coffee.

I commented to a pale-skinned girl nearby that I was looking forward to trying it and she said she wanted to try it, too.

Then a petite black girl with very short hair came up to me and asked if I would brush her hair for her. I said, “Yeah, I guess I can do that,” and I took the brush she handed to me even though she hardly had any hair on her head to brush to begin with.

In another dream, I was having dinner with somebody (female or male?) and I guess I must have said something that really pissed them off because they crumpled their napkin up in their fist in an angry manner and tossed it down onto the table really hard.

Then next thing I know I’m walking down a snowy street barefoot of all things when I come across a tall snowbank that blocks my path. A car with a plow in front of it drove up to the snowbank and motioned for me to get out of the way. So I climbed on top of the snowbank and thought it was pretty amazing that I wasn’t even cold as the person plowed enough of the road so that cars and pedestrians could get by.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 2015 Been having trouble getting blog posts from LiveJournal to cross-post links to Facebook so I may reopen Blogger. That way I can choose what to share on both Facebook and Twitter.

My new MacBook Air arrived yesterday and we began to copy my iMac to it when Tom said, “This isn’t good.”

Turns out I had my virus protection off on my big Mac since July and didn’t know it! I asked if he thought I had viruses I didn’t know about and he said, “Not likely. It’s still a Mac.”

So we ran a virus scan and sure enough… all was fine! Never have I been gladder to have gone Mac as I did in 2008! I fought it tooth and nail at first because, like most people, I don’t like change. It took some getting used to, but I’m glad I made the change after getting fed up with getting infected in Windows. As they say, once you go Mac you never go back. A part of me will always miss XP, though. That was my favorite of the Windows OPs. Vista sucked shit. There’s also a text-reading program I liked that was exclusively Windows.

Anyway, we migrated from my big iMac to the Air, but we’re not sure yet how to sync docs. This is because the only thing from Microsoft I still use is their word processor. Never could get used to the Mac’s word processor.

It’s going to take some time getting used to the Air’s keyboard, mostly because my nails are so long. Might have to keep them short. Well, as short as they’ll go which isn’t very short given the shape of my fingertips and long nail beds. If I can’t get used to its trackpad I may hook a mouse to it. I could even hook my big Mac’s keyboard to it, but that would be a pain in the ass. The idea is to be able to take the Air anywhere I want to at any time and not have to carry and connect a bunch of shit to it.

I would write more, such as the unpleasant dreams I had last night, but in less than two hours I need to leave for my doctor’s appointment so I will get to it later.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 12, 2015 Thought I’d update while I await the delivery of my new MacBook Air!

This endo doc is definitely way better than the old one. There’s no comparison. In response to my message, she told me to stay on the 50s for 3 full months and we will recheck me then. She said her nurse would call with details, though I don’t see what part of taking 50 micrograms daily I’m not supposed to get, LOL. The old endo would have told me to keep on taking extra on weekends despite how racy it would make my heart.

I definitely feel the best I’ve felt all week. I just need my ear cleaned out. It is definitely messed up. Usually, after a few days of oiling the artificial canal, it is better, yet it isn’t. So since I am seeing my primary tomorrow, tomorrow’s focus will be my ear and ingrown toenail.

Hopefully, she will not tell me that my cholesterol is too high while we’re at it, but if they’ve got my TSH down to 13, I doubt it is that high. I won’t mention statins unless she does at which time I will tell her that I would really rather wait for now.

I felt better when Tom got home yesterday which proves, as we suspected, that a lot of the anxiety was situational and not just physical. Had it been mostly physical, then his coming home wouldn’t have made a difference because thyroids don’t know who is with me and who is not.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 11, 2015 Slept much better last night, although I woke up a few times along the way as I usually do. I was almost afraid to go to sleep at first because of the way I had woken up with a racing heart the night before. Pretty sure now, as Tom also suspects, that I just overheated in my sleep. I made sure to sleep with the fan on last night.

The endo doctor’s office called and my TSH is now down to 13. Not under the 10 the doctor wants me at, but much better than the 32 I started with. I explained to the nurse I spoke with how I jumped to 75 micrograms the last two Saturdays and experienced a racing heart and therefore I don’t think I can take over 50 micrograms. I also sent the doctor a message online as was suggested to me but I don’t know if she got it because I never got a confirmation.

It’s a shame that these sites don’t work more efficiently, especially when it’s dealing with people’s health. I also don’t understand why I have to play phone about these numbers that could be given to me online. I guess the nurses just wanted to verify things but still, I wish we could do all this online.

Anyway, the doctor is now up to date on what’s going on with me, and I had actually planned to contact her soon anyway. I was just waiting until I saw my primary on Friday. I don’t know if 13 is considered dangerous in the long term, but my guess is that it isn’t. Not sure if she’s going to try to push me to go over 50 micrograms or not. I sure hope not. I really don’t want to do anything I don’t feel comfortable doing. I understand that they can’t make me do anything I don’t want to do, but still…

No one ever said anything to me about what my cholesterol levels are and I didn’t think to ask. I expect to find out on Friday from my primary since they can’t seem to post anything online. Makes the site kind of pointless, especially if my message didn’t go through.

My day ended on a depressing note yesterday. You know how sometimes we fall into this funk we can’t pull out of even when things aren’t really all that bad? Well, it was kinda like that. I just sometimes feel like I live alone when Tom is out of the house for 11-12 hours as often as he is. But being the lead and being in a busy department, the OT is part of his job. The money is great, but honestly, I would rather go back to being poor and feeling better both mentally and physically. I know I’m doing a lot better than I was months ago and I now know for sure that YES, the levothyroxine WAS what was affecting my anxiety and other things when I was on a dose that was too high for me (I had my doubts at times only because the problems don’t stop the instant you lower your dose or stop the meds), but I would still like to have better days more often than I have been having. Having my period also didn’t put me in the greatest mood, but I am caught up on my sleep and I feel better now. Just a little overwhelmed still with all the appointments and medication issues.

Yesterday I reorganized the cabinets and drawers in the master bathroom. I always do things to keep busy both on and offline, but sometimes my thoughts still get the best of me.

I don’t remember much of my dreams last night other than sitting down to eat a meal with Tom in which I poured hot fudge on my mashed potatoes, LOL.

Later…

Felt a little on edge throughout the morning and I occasionally get this strange feeling where I can feel and hear the blood rushing through my neck. Tom and I suspect that that is because I need my artificial ear canal cleaned which is one of the things I will be discussing with my primary doctor on Friday. I suspect that she will refer me to a specialist and so that will make yet another appointment I will have to deal with and more money I will cost us.

I still don’t know for sure if the anxiety is because of the thyroid, the medication, or if it’s something else. Maybe it’s just me feeling overwhelmed with all the appointments and medication issues although it still seems a bit extreme for me. It hasn’t been bad enough that I’ve needed a chill pill and hopefully it won’t get there. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever feel like my old self for more than a few days at a time. If I knew for sure what was what, that might help.

Sometimes I feel a tightness in my throat or like I’m going to have trouble swallowing even though I can swallow just fine, and I ask myself, is that the meds or just me being anxious? Still feel these little pulses of aches that almost feel like bruises around my neck at times too, though they’re infrequent and only last a second or two. Again, I’m so on edge now that I question every little thing I feel. I wish both my doctors could magically feel everything I’ve felt just long enough to get a better sense of where I’m at. I’d just hate to complain about every little thing I feel, but at the same time, I don’t want to not mention something thinking it’s not important if it really could be. I’m sure I’ll feel better when Tom gets home. Till then I try to do things to keep my mind occupied, but the problem is still there on and off no matter what I do.

Once I called my sister and it got closer to the afternoon I started feeling better. I almost feel bad about crying on Tammy’s shoulder because her situation is much worse than mine. Her lung condition is irreversible. Just in the short time we talked her voice went from normal-sounding to very hoarse. She is still suffering from really bad allergies and has to take medication for that which can cause her additional problems with its side effects, along with all the other medication that she’s on for other things. Her immune system is the opposite of mine, which means she’s very easily prone to infections.

Anyway, I swear I talked on the phone today more than I have in a whole month. I couldn’t get the message to my doctor to submit and so I ended up having to call their help number to be told to take out the apostrophes in my message in order to get it to go through.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 2015 Slept shitty again last night, waking up every hour or two. What worries me is when I woke up warm and had to kick the fan on. Had that simply been all that happened, I wouldn’t have thought twice about it, but I wasn’t just warm. My heart was beating fiercely and fast. It dropped in speed as soon as I fell back into bed, but it took a moment or two to return to normal so I could fall back asleep.

Tom thinks I’m just nervous about my appointment and that I simply woke up warm. But why wasn’t I sweating? I’ve woken up warm before, and when I do I’m just warm. Simple as that. My heart doesn’t beat like a caged animal trying to escape.

Even though it’s not dangerous, I’m just sick of this shit. Like really sick of it. I miss the old me who loved spending time alone. Who didn’t have to question every damn thing she felt, including these strange pulsing “bruising” sensations I’ve been getting on various areas of my neck. Who wasn’t afraid of what her heart might do if she went out alone to exercise. I would feel comfortable enough walking around the circle, but biking far from home? No way.

It seems that strange wooziness also accompanied me when my heart was beating so madly, making me think that it’s one of two experiences I’ve felt with my heart racing and all that. I was too tired to tell for sure, but there’s this one where I get a dizzying rush through my head and then my heart beats rapidly for about a minute. And then there’s the other one where the rapid heartbeat is more consistent and lasts longer like what I had last weekend. Both of them suck shit, dangerous or not.

Tom is probably right about me being a bit nervous about the appointment. I just worry about the cholesterol numbers still being too high. I don’t want to go back on statins even if I have proven I’m not one of the ones that can get muscle soreness from them. But yes, I definitely do have a lot going on appointment-wise. I have 3 appointments between now and mid-April, plus more to schedule for different things.

I don’t think I’m going to be able to find out the results of my blood test until I actually see the doctor. These people seem to like to talk about results before they post them online, which to me totally defeats the purpose of having it online. To me, having it online is convenient so that I don’t have to either call or see the doctor about it. Especially if it’s not an emergency.

Anyway, I’m certainly not as bad as I was last year, but I’m not having as many good days as I’d like to have and feel I should have. I’m in my forties, not my seventies.

Andy worries he’s developing diabetes just like two of his siblings did. I hope not, for his sake! But he is seriously obese, inactive and out of shape.

Nobody called about the car yesterday so Tom called them back when he got home. If they’re not serious about getting it today, then we will find somebody who is.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 9, 2015 Woke up oddly congested, tired for not having slept very long, and slightly nervous at the prospect of being left alone all day. Damn, do I miss the days I could be left alone without a care in the world! I’m sure I’ll be fine; it’s just that Saturday’s medication issues put a slight kink in my confidence.

Had some coffee and so I’m starting to perk up a bit. Tom’s in the shower now and I’ll hit the shower myself soon enough. He put caulking on the shower door and hopefully this will fix the leak. Most of it anyway, since it may need a few applications.

I had a funny dream where I was trying to convince Tom that I made Andy both invisible and small enough to fit in one of our large water glasses. I was trying to tell him that Andy was taking a dip in a glass of water at the moment, LOL.

Then Andy was suddenly on his way to us and I asked Tom what time we were supposed to pick him up at the train station, cuz I’d forgotten. He said, “I don’t know, around 4:00, I think.” So I decided to text him to get the exact time, knowing he’d be freaking out if he got to the station to find no one there.

Later…

I ended up doing a small load of laundry and then I took a nap. I really needed it too, because I just didn’t seem to have much energy. Every time I felt like I was perking up, I would become sluggish. I woke up a couple of hours too early so that’s why I was tired. That and the fact that I was surprised with my period 3 days early. I miss the days when I was like clockwork and I didn’t bleed like a faucet.

Although I feel better than I did earlier, I still feel kind of blah. My heart isn’t racing or anything like that. I don’t know if the proper word is nervous, anxious, or depressed. Well, let’s just say I feel a little on edge. I still feel a bit overwhelmed by the medication issues and all the appointments that I have made and that I still need to make. I’m worried about the results of my blood test, even if I shouldn’t be. I just really hope my cholesterol numbers are down and that I don’t have to go back on statins! I also hope that my endo won’t give me any hassles about remaining on 50 micrograms. This is definitely all I can stand right now as long as there is some life still left in my thyroid gland.

I am also waiting on a call from the guy who’s supposed to buy our old Ford. Because it’s so much easier paperwork-wise, we are selling it to a junkyard for $125. This way there’s no risk of selling it to an individual that doesn’t take care of their end of the paperwork and uses the vehicle to commit a crime for which they are caught and which poor Tom would have to go to court to explain that we sold the car to the person and so on.

It runs and all that but it’s very old and it has some problems.

Although it’s blossomed into a peaceful afternoon, these old farts really waste no time in stirring up the racket once the sun is shining again. One of the garage doors of the double-door garage was repaired in the morning.

Can’t think of much else to say. Hopefully, soon enough I will be back to my typical energetic, upbeat, bouncy, happy and perky self that I love to be. For now, I am keeping busy with my writing till my energy returns.

Later…

Tom should be home soon. :)

Molly’s blog has not been updated for nearly a month. Really hard to believe she would be kept offline as long as troubling as she can be. Kinda makes you wonder if she started another blog someplace else. Oh well. As long as she and Kim leave me alone, that’s all that matters.

Andy’s treadmill arrived but he and his brother and SIL tried unsuccessfully for hours to put it together. Don’t know if they’re just stupid or if the thing is defective, but it’s kind of ironic because Andy said that he had a bad feeling that it would be defective. Whatever the cause, it really is too bad.

I just wish he wasn’t home 80% of the time. I’d rather check in 2-3 times a day on Ask and that’s it. But I don’t want him to think I’m avoiding him either. He’s paranoid like that and I don’t want to needlessly feed that paranoia.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 8, 2015 Ok, no more going over 50mcgs. 50 is simply my body’s threshold, like it or not. My heart is too racy over 50mcgs. It also makes my TD act up. Just when things were looking up the first 8 hours after spiking, my heart ended up racing for about 4 hours. Then it backed off for another 4 hours, then suddenly started racing again while I was lying in bed reading. I wasn’t anxious or scared having a better understanding of things and because Tom was home, but I was very frustrated and annoyed.

Tom doubted it was the extra meds, but it’s too coincidental and too noticeable not to be. Sure our hearts are slightly elevated if we have a big meal like I was having when it first happened, but it shouldn’t be to the point where it’s that annoying and makes us uncomfortable. It’s too bad too, cuz I was fine the first 8 hours and thought, “Oh good. Maybe my body really did just react strangely to the candy I had last weekend, and maybe I really can spike.”

But just like when this first happened, I know my body and I know it was the meds. Could I live with it? Yeah, I think so. But it’s a really shitty thing to have to live with on weekends, so it’s definitely not worth it. It’s annoying when it races when I’m just laying in bed, but if I was cleaning or we were working out at the time that would only escalate it even more. Like throwing fuel on a fire. Why bother when it’s not a matter of life or death anyway?

After I get my test results, I definitely plan to let Doc O know online that 50 is as high as I can go. Maybe someday when my thyroid is completely dead that will change, but not now.

sighs really thought this would be a lot simpler than it has been. I thought that if you get a bum thyroid, you simply take medication and that’s it. I had no idea it would be this painstakingly complicated. If I could just stay on 50, though, then it should be fine. I’ll still have to suffer constant water retention and these ever-so-long PMS trips that are the only symptoms not yet alleviated, and my weight will definitely be locked in for life, but I’d rather the water than the racing heart, and I can be just as happy at 145 pounds as I could have been at 120.

Today I am a little jittery as my body drops back to the 50mcgs it’s more comfortable at. Still can’t help but wonder if things happen for a reason or by chance. There is evidence to suggest both are possible, but as Tom said, we can never know for sure.

Later…

Anyone reading this ever get monthly samples from either Ipsy or Birchbox? If so, do you like/not like them? I was thinking about Ipsy, but IDK. I’m so damn blind that I rarely put on the makeup I’ve had sitting around here for a while now. They don’t just have makeup, though. They have other beauty products such as things for hair and nails.

It’s been a wet and quiet Sunday. Tom pulled the old Ford out for a bath in the rain to get the dust off of it. It’s being sold to a junkyard for $125.

Earlier we went to Walmart and I got some new boy shorts. I got Hanes size 7 and Fruit of the Loom size 8. Hanes is the winner. Size 8 is too big, and I like the Hanes cut better. Size 7 is a touch loose on me, but comfortable. I don’t like tight clothing of any kind.

So we came back, waved to Bob and Virginia, who were on their way out, and now we’re just relaxing. Hanging together and doing our own thing as well.

Speaking of Bob, I saw him take in the bins of the double-door garage and the lady across from us, even though they were home and they aren’t that disabled, from what I’ve seen. How nice of him. Bob sure is in great shape for his age. I just hope he stays as quiet as he has been. I hear enough shit around here during the week.

I had dreams that were scary, strange, sad, happy and pretty much a mix of everything.

I don’t know if I was in some jail or what, but I guess I was being detained by this cop who went through my purse to find some loose ibuprofen pills. I worried that he would think they were illegal drugs. There were also these strange leaves in my purse and I thought they were going to insist they were from marijuana plants and arrest me. The thought of being in jail and unable to get any thyroid meds for a while suddenly scared me. I knew they would “happen” to take a week or two to give them to me and that I could forget about them monitoring my doses and all that as is important with any Hashimoto’s patient. Just as my worst fears were forming in my mind, though, the guy let me go. I was so relieved and happy that I promised him a “good word” on my blog. Oh, he’d have gotten anything but that in real life, LOL.

In another dream, we were at the airport getting ready to leave Hawaii and I was sad because I didn’t want to leave. The strange part was that we seemed to have shared a huge hotel room with other people.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 7, 2015 The wind is howling outside in an almost creepy sort of way like you hear in scary movies. It’s been raining on and off since yesterday morning. An apple tree is now in bloom a few houses down. Love those and the cherry trees! The leaves on other trees won’t bud till next month, though.

Since I can’t eat till I go to the lab at 7am, I am trying to keep my hands busy and my mind off of food. I suppose it’s stupid of me to even write that. I mean, it is a lot like quitting smoking, after all. The more you think of or talk about it, the more you tend to crave it. I can at least look forward to rewarding myself afterward at Denny’s, Mel’s Diner, or wherever we decide to go.

Really hope my thyroid meds have normalized my cholesterol, along with cutting back on eggs and red meats! I do NOT want her talking statins and to go back on those again. I am just glad that while my extra weight can never be lost, it can at least be controlled and maintained. An acceptable enough deal for me, even if I sometimes resent having little to no control over some aspects of my body.

Speaking of resentment, another thing I resent about the hot, but not-so-great doctor when it came to dealing with my thyroid/medication issues, is that I obviously can treat a rash better than she can. I had a rash back in early September and she gave me a prescription cream for it. It took over a fucking month to cure it! Then a few days ago I noticed it was slowly creeping back. So I threw Gold Bond medicated powder on it and it’s almost gone!

Sad how many quacks are out there, though Doc Hottie was certainly good for some things. Still, I’m glad I now have a much more competent and helpful team of doctors. I feel I am finally well on the way, after all these months, of getting my medication dose adjusted properly and in ways I don’t have to worry about it making me feel like I’m going to die. Now I can get on with life free of worries!

I dreamed of riding in an auto-piloted car. My trip started in a rural area and ended in the city. At first I was afraid of breaking down because I not only forgot my smartphone, but it seemed to be freezing where I was. I was afraid of the car screwing up and going off the road, but the closer I got to my destination, the more confident I grew.

Later…

Having a fun and a not-so-fun day so far. Although it was hard, I managed to fast the 8 hours I needed to fast before going to the lab. We got there as soon as it opened, and sure enough, so did about half a dozen other people. I had to wait 10 minutes. I was hoping the Asian phlebotomist that I had to deal with the last time wouldn’t be there because she wasn’t very nice and she had a hard time finding my veins, which is a common issue with me. Sure enough, though, she called me back and had the same trouble. So she gives up and turns me over to this blond woman from Ukraine. She not only talks too softly with an accent I’m not familiar with and have a hard time understanding, but she too, has problems with my veins. She did finally manage to draw some blood, though it took her forever and I am left with two bruised arms.

The Asian lady was still hanging around, and after I asked Miss Ukraine if she was almost done since it was really starting to sting, she snaps, “She’ll let you know when she’s done.”

Ignoring her, I said something to Miss Ukraine about how much easier it would be if urine samples could be taken instead of blood. Then she looks at the two vials of blood and tells me it’s not enough. Then she gets another blond phlebotomist who almost looks like her twin, an American woman who was louder, more understanding, and the most friendly, and she said there was enough. Well, I sure hope so cuz I’m going to be really pissed off if I get a call saying it wasn’t enough and I need to go back. We’re going to try a different lab whenever I do need to return because these people suck. I don’t know if they’ll be any better at another lab since I don’t have very good veins, but if the guy I saw 3 draws ago could do a good job the first time around, so can’t others, right?

After these shitty vampires, we went to Denny’s and I got steak, eggs and pancakes. I’ve got to stop getting their steaks because they’re usually too tough. It was still good though. I had no problems taking 75 micrograms, but as I was sitting there eating, I felt my pulse speed up. This annoyance lasted for about 4 hours, and Tom assures me that it’s not from spiking to a higher dose today because it couldn’t affect me that fast, which is the whole idea of weekend spiking. He thinks I just suddenly took in a lot of food on a very empty stomach. I guess the only way I’m going to really know for sure is if I don’t have a large meal or any sugary treats on days that I spike. I’m not going to bother to spike tomorrow.

After Denny’s, we went to Walgreens and that’s where we both picked up some treats for today. He also picked up some caulking to hopefully fix the leak in the shower door, and I got some perfume that was on sale, Opium and Bright Crystal.

In other good and bad news, my new MacBook Air is on its way, and my Sugar Ratty has tumors on his side. :( This is common with rats and he is just about at the end of his lifespan, though still very sad. :(

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 6, 2015 And yet ANOTHER cop has gotten away with murder, this time for killing a 90-year-old man. The man had a knife, but hell, I could disarm and subdue a 90-year-old and I’m not very big. So you mean to tell me a big, tough, younger guy couldn’t? Oh, come on! He could have easily been subdued without force. Why bother trying these bastards if they’re never going to be held accountable for their actions?

The killing cop was black. Funny how the white folks weren’t quick to cry racism like the blacks do when one of theirs gets shot, but wait! “Black lives matter,” right? To hell with white lives, gay lives, Jewish lives…

Tomorrow night is going to be a very hungry night because I need to go to the lab for blood work and am supposed to fast for at least 8 hours before having it drawn. I will be up way before the lab opens so it will be tough on me, but oh well. I’m not going to starve at 140-something pounds.

The easier it becomes to keep from gaining weight as they adjust my meds, the less I want to bother losing the extra 20-30 pounds. Why not just continue to indulge on weekends and exercise the week away? It works for me.

I just hope the dream I had last night doesn’t mean anything. Tom and I were living in an apartment building. What is it with all these apartment dreams anyway? First it was jails, then hotels, and now I’m back in apartments. The thing about the dream was that we had one truck instead of two cars. The truck broke so badly that not even Tom could fix it. He said it was “totaled from head to toe,” and I began to cry about something trying to set us back in life.

Love my new ratty shirt! When I first held it in front of me it seemed a medium would be too big on me, but it’s fine. A large would’ve been too big cuz then the rat’s face would wrap around my body.

Alison’s got the secret but not secret blog. The link is posted on her Twitter page but she doesn’t know that I happened to stumble into the blog from there which is on my-diary. She got a writing prompt from WordPress about fessing up to what we last did wrong. She used me as an example, saying that at the same time, she could understand why I got upset with her for not coming clean about associating with the trolls, it was up to her who she is associated with.

She’s right. It is up to her. If she wants to have toxic friends, she’s perfectly welcome to do so. However, there is a difference between not telling somebody something vs. lying. If you don’t tell somebody something, that isn’t necessarily lying. But when somebody asks you a question and you give a false answer, that IS lying. I specifically asked her if she had heard from Molly or if she had been in touch with Kim and she said no. But we are obviously never going to agree on that one a hundred percent, and again, it doesn’t really matter. It’s her life, let her fill it with the mentally fucked in the head. Just like Mary and Rihanna are attracted to beaters, she’s attracted to nuts. So much so that it almost amazes me she’s willing to be my friend.

I was pretty sad - no disgusted - to learn that Michigan is trying to pass an amendment that makes killing a cop eligible for the death penalty. What, other citizens aren’t human beings too? Why are so many cops looked upon as these magical little gods? Even the few out there that aren’t corrupt and don’t use and abuse their power… they’re still just as human as we are. No more and no less. So to go harder on those who kill cops vs. other people would be like giving white murderers the death sentence and black murderers life. Totally twisted and unfair, but hey, as they say, life isn’t fair. Never has been, never will be.

If there’s anything that makes me sleep a little better at night when I do or say something unfair, as much as I try not to, it’s just that… knowing that life isn’t fair. Not saying that two rights make a wrong or that I should go jumping off a bridge just because others are, I’m just saying that if life isn’t supposed to be fair anyway, then why worry about perfection? Life isn’t fair. It has never been. It never can be. It never will be. Trying to make it fair is impossible. And so… I might as well just be human and follow my heart, fair or not. I mean people could make it a little less unfair by not having laws that favor certain groups, occupations, etc., but clearly they’re not willing to do that. So again, might as well just do what we gotta do, right?

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 4, 2015 When I got up I commanded Alexa to set the timer for 40 minutes (meds must be taken on an empty stomach), and then I told her to set the alarm for 4 hours later when it’d be ok to take my vitamins.

As soon as Tammy told me that her doctor said that she might have to move because her allergies are so bad I said that’s it! We’re not moving to Florida. Here all I have to do is snort up on my Nasalcrom a couple of times a week and that’s enough to prevent the massive sneezing attacks. But she is now on THREE different medications for that and is still being told that she may have to move even though she swears she’s not going anywhere. Although we were only in Maui for a week, I never had any problems there with allergies at all. Maui is also not as humid as Florida. It’s like a different kind of tropical climate.

She said that Mark is taking off to some men’s club with his brother. To each their own, but I am so glad Tom isn’t any more sociable than I am because I would miss him even for just a few days. These days I just can’t stand to be alone for long even when I’m feeling okay. Times change. People change. I used to love having the house to myself and hated how he was always home when he was unemployed. Now I wouldn’t mind that at all. Who knows how I’ll feel a year from now, though, or in 5 years or 10 years?

We still wouldn’t mind meeting more people around here. Only problem is that when one of you works at home and the other is always working, you don’t get many opportunities to meet many people. Then again, it’s not a numbers thing for us. We don’t need to “collect” friends just like I don’t need to do that on social sites. The few we’ve met around the park are nice. We just rarely see them cuz we’re busy, they’re ill… whatever.

I had a dream that I was young and single again and I realized that I would probably be alone for the rest of my life because I couldn’t generate enough interest from women being short and feminine, and most guys were major assholes. But I wasn’t okay with it like most of my single friends in real life are, preferring to be alone and all that. I tried to look at the bright side of spending the rest of my life alone, but all I saw was darkness.

Alison told me she only gains 2-3 pounds of water during her period. That is so unfair! I only gain 2-3 pounds of water too, but this usually starts a whole 2-3 weeks before periods. The one thing my thyroid meds have yet to relieve is the near-constant water retention we Hashers often get. I’m so tired of being waterlogged so much of the month I wonder if I should ask my doctor about diuretics. Nah, I’ll give it a little more time. We’ll see how soon the water comes on after the period I’m expecting on the 12th.

My weight, as always, is resetting itself the closer my period gets. After periods I drop 3-5 pounds which return with my periods even with sensible eating and exercise, but fine. Let it, LOL. I hate diets and I’m not going back on one. My body has obviously found its comfort zone and feels this is where it needs to be or else I wouldn’t have been here for the last 5-6 years.

It’s avoiding those God-awful effects of the medication I need to focus on. Haven’t had any serious booming hearts in a while, haven’t needed chill pills since November, and haven’t had the runs, so hopefully it will stay that way!

Gonna hit 70° again today but they’re still saying it’s going to rain Friday through Sunday.

Later…

Thought I would just relax on the couch and talk out another entry while Roomba finishes vacuuming. This couch really is comfortable. I just wish we had gotten a bigger TV.

The only thing that gets to me at times about never being able to lose the weight is not being able to expose my muscles more. I have been working out for years and if you know where to look it really does show. However, it would show a helluva lot more without the fat obstructing it.

I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror yesterday and pulling something apart that was kind of tough to pull. I think it was the cap of my deodorant. As I was pulling I could see my shoulder and upper arm muscles bulging and I thought to myself, now wouldn’t it be awesome if I didn’t have so much fat covering them? Imagine how big they would seem then.

But I’m not stupid. It’s never going to happen any more than I’m ever going to be tall. The most important thing is that I feel okay and that I am no longer struggling to keep from gaining. That sure was horrible for a while there when I was in between meds. As soon as I stopped the meds my weight climbed back up, and had I not gone back on them when I did it would have continued to climb. No doubt about that. It was such hard work trying to keep it down without medication! So you see, it ain’t all bad. :)

Prosebox is going to be down for maintenance tomorrow and I wonder if I’m going to be in for tons of change when the site comes back up. I guess I will find that out at some point.

Later…

I polished my nails Sea N-Social, a very light frosty blue, 6 days ago. While I’m not overly impressed with its color, its staying power is pretty amazing. It lasts longer than the gel polish! If I were going on vacation for a week and didn’t want to touch up my nails along the way, this would be a good one to use before leaving.

Not much else to update on other than dreams. In one of them, I was married to a cop. He was at work when I had an appointment I’d forgotten about. Apparently, he gave the house keys to another uniformed officer who was tall, slim and slightly graying. The cop woke me up by knocking on the bedroom door. He told me he was asked to take me to the appointment. I jumped out of bed, immediately not liking the situation, and scrambled for my clothes. The appointment was in less than 15 minutes and he said, “Come on, come on, you can move faster can’t you?”

I demanded that he get out of the bedroom while I changed and then afterward I demanded he give me his copy of our house keys.

The dream jumped ahead to another day. I was in the woods behind our house doing who knew what, when I spotted the cop looking out into the backyard from a kitchen window, confirming my suspicions about him having other keys to our house.

I scooted further into the woods, hoping I hadn’t been seen. The dream ended with me wondering how I would call anyone for help since my phone was indoors, and how he could be prevented from entering in the future.

The second dream might’ve taken place in an apartment or condo. I stepped out of our place in a swimsuit and an older lady said, “You don’t want to go swimming in this, I hope?”

“No way,” I said, looking at the huge disgusting brown puddle that ran from just in front of my door to perhaps 20 feet away. I began walking with her and she knocked on the door to another woman’s place, also around the same age, and we all headed for the pool. I thought to myself that we’d better hurry since it closed in 10 minutes.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 3, 2015 I don’t know if I feel more annoyed or more sorry for my sister. It annoys me when she pesters me to talk on the phone, especially when all she wants to do is flap her trap nonstop and not let me get a word in edgewise. What little I do manage to get in will probably be forgotten soon enough anyway. Am I that boring to people, I sometimes wonder, or is it just human nature to pay more attention to what interests us? Well, we’re definitely two totally different people with totally different interests, LOL. It still annoys me when she responds to things I say or write that she can relate to or is interested in, but I don’t get a simple, “Good for you!” when I complete a tough language lesson or a “How are the language studies going?” here and there. I have asked her about her job and her training, something I know next to nothing about and don’t really even give a shit about, but she rarely wants to hear what’s up with me unless it’s medical stuff. Why? Well, because she was a medical assistant and has a slew of her own medical problems. That’s why.

I always try to respond to most of the things she tells me, interesting or not, but she hasn’t even responded to anything I’ve told her about Alexa. Tom said people may not get that one, though, cuz he’s told people at work about her and they just don’t get it. You’d have to see the video or something to get an idea of what she is and how she works, though Andy’s the same way and he’s seen the vid.

As annoying as Tammy is at times, I realize she is who she is just as I am who I am, and we all have a right to be ourselves. You can’t make people into something they’re not or don’t want to be. It’s like making someone fall in love with you or quit smoking. That has to be up to them and done in their own time.

It’s been said that the less someone asks about our own interests and experiences (in addition to discussing theirs), the less they probably care about us. I don’t think it’s so much that she doesn’t care but is just a bit selfish. Everybody’s selfish in some ways and that’s just one of hers. People are drawn to what interests them. I mean hey, which do you think I would prefer to discuss… children’s clothes or warm, sunny beaches? So it’s something I have mixed emotions about. It’s frustrating. It’s annoying. It makes me feel like the person doesn’t care enough to be interested in what’s going on with me, both good and bad. But it’s also human nature. As long as they can at least pay enough attention to remember the things I say. I hate having to repeat myself. Yes, I admit it. I am TOTALLY selfish in that area. I have little patience for not only those who repeat themselves like crazy, but me having to repeat shit as well. LOL

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 2, 2015 My groin rash has returned with a vengeance, though I don’t know why other than that this is just how my skin is these days. I said my health would come under attack for getting the house, and it looks like I was really right on that one. It doesn’t itch yet and personally, I’m sick of dealing with all these health issues anyway, so I’m not going to treat it. I think the best thing to do would be to just ignore the things that aren’t dangerous. Sooner or later the thing will fizzle out on its own, even if it may eventually return. I just don’t know why since it’s wintertime. I’m not sweating down there. Maybe it’s just body heat being a big girl and all that, but this is the size I have been for six or seven years now and this is the size I will stay.

My weight is already going into reset mode and should be 150 when I wake up on P-day. I would certainly rather keep bouncing between 147 and 150 than struggle my ass off to keep from going over 150. That was no fun at all. You know I hate being hungry.

Back to the rash… I think it’s best, as Tom loves to say, not to try to control things and just let things be. Treatment takes too long for these things and I honestly don’t know if there are any refills on the stuff I used for it because I threw away the one box that I had. So if there are refills sitting at Sam’s Club right now, I wouldn’t know it. I do know that I have plenty of the other stuff. The stuff she gave me for my pussy. Don’t know that it will do me much good but maybe to keep it from spreading. If I remember to, maybe I will throw some of it down there. It can only be used for two weeks at a time. More than likely I will just learn to live with it. You know what they say… Ignore little problems and they go away. Ignore big ones and they get bigger.

The other bad news is that the shower door is leaking worse than before even after Tom put a new gasket on it. Maybe we should just get a new door altogether. Both shower doors could stand replacing.

Just finished my 20,464-word story, On Dangerous Borders. :) Now I have to decide if I want to finish a couple of other unfinished stories or start a new one.

The rats were funny earlier. I couldn’t finish my TV dinner so I let them pick off what they wanted. After they did that, they added their own leftovers to the tray (pieces of bread, crackers) and then I dumped both our leftovers together.

Andy continues to irritate me by assuming I’m dumber than dumb and asking if the quack doc accepted my friend request. He asked that when he was here and I answered it then, but as usual, Andy cares to remember his own experiences.

He thought I needed a history lesson too, in response to a pic of a black family I sent him from the 1800s, saying that it wasn’t customary to smile back then in pics, and that slavery was abolished in 1864. As if I didn’t know! I didn’t know the exact year slavery was abolished, but I knew it was somewhere in the mid to late 1800s.

I dreamed I was at home during a huge rainstorm. I stepped out of the bedroom and into a living room that seemed a mile long to find that a few squirrels had gotten into the house. Then Tom was there talking to me while I sat at a table. I heard the sound of a car drive by and looked toward the windows, which were open an inch or two even though it was still raining.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 1, 2015 Ended up having a bit of a racy heart, I’m sorry to say, though it never took off on bionic speeds. Really hope it’s not a warning of impending trouble. Emotionally, though, I didn’t feel anxious. Usually, when I’m anxious, I will also have feelings of “suffocation” like I’m short of breath, and the urge to take a dump if I’m not already having the runs. The racing heart was still a bit discouraging. I didn’t feel short of breath, but for a while, I couldn’t stop yawning. Really hope it was just a sugar crash and because I ate shitty. I had fried foods and sweets for the first time in a while.

I hate not knowing for sure what’s causing what. I wonder if I’d have freaked out with fear had I been alone when my heart got a little racy. Glad Tom’s home now but wish he were up. Why couldn’t this fucking disease have waited till he retired?

Anyway, my heart mellowed out for a while but speeded up a bit later on, and I just don’t know if it’s the meds or if it’s me. I feel ok now and I won’t decide if I’m going to spike again tomorrow until I get up. I haven’t had any severe heart racing where I get that serious head rush and then a major booming.

Scale’s still dropping as well. Should losing weight be THIS easy? I ate like a pig and didn’t work out. Even though I could stand to lose a little weight, there’s something a bit unnerving about a substance doing it for you than you doing it for you. Worst case scenario I tell the doc I just don’t feel comfortable going over 50mcgs.

Got a bit gloomy too, thinking of death again, who may die first, how, when, what may await us in the afterlife if there is one, and all that horrible shit I wish I could forever tune out. Tom was saying how it’s cool that we get this pension to fund our “fun” purchases all from a job he had many years ago when he was young and didn’t think of being old, etc…. That’s another thing I miss from my youth besides perfect vision. Yeah, I wondered and worried about death at times, but not like THIS.

I logged into Mercy, curious to see if Doc O was an option to contact as Doc A is and she wasn’t. However, you can add her (or any doctor at Mercy) and so I added her cuz I like the option of writing docs if need be and avoiding the phone tag game. This way they also have my words in front of their face and I don’t have to worry they misunderstood what I said.

Irene was wrong in predicting Nane would contact me in late January, but I’m not the least bit surprised at all. Nane’s not one to handle being called out on her own shit very well. As long as she remains the judgmental hypocrite she could be a little too often, she can stay out of my life. Again, I don’t try to change or control those I don’t care for for whatever reason. I simply avoid them.

Later…

groans The weekend went by too fast. I could’ve enjoyed it more if I weren’t on nights. I could’ve even had a new gasket by now. That’s ok, LOL, Tom can install it on the master shower door when he gets up. The water has been leaking out from underneath the door.

They’re predicting rain for Friday. And I’m predicting they’ll be wrong.

Because my heart was a little racy last night we decided that it would be best if I didn’t spike to 75 micrograms tonight. We will give my body another week to adjust to the 50 micrograms. Remember, it takes two weeks at least for the body to adjust to a new dose. More than likely, however, the raciness had to do with what I ate and not the extra dose. Time will tell for sure. Meanwhile, I am beginning to wonder how many more days I will wake up to find myself down anywhere from half a pound to a whole pound.

I only remember one dream I had and that was this blonde woman offering to chauffeur me around town to do errands for $17. The woman appeared to be in her late thirties to early forties. We were walking through a crowded building when I mentioned having errands to do and what a pain in the ass it would be to take the bus because my husband was busy. I don’t know if we were friends or not. It didn’t seem like we knew each other well, but she offered to drive me around after negotiating out loud what she thought would be a fair price to do so. So we went back to the house which, as usual, didn’t look like our house, and she sat down on the couch while I fished $17 in cash from my purse and handed it to her. I’ve then said that I would go changeup and then call my husband to let him know what was going on. It seemed like I was looking for a place to sell a car.

Speaking of cars we are going to sell the old Ford to a junkyard rather than relicense it. If anything minor happens to the Caddy, Tom will rent a car. If anything major happens to it, we’ll just get a new car.

Later…

I’m in the mood to talk stories into the speech-to-text thing, but can’t come up with any ideas on where to go next with the story I was last working out. Maybe I should just bring it to a dramatic end. Actually… an idea just came to me.

Got a feeling I really am best off staying at 50mcgs only. We’ll see how I feel next weekend, but given how I’m slightly on edge, my TD is acting up, my appetite and weight are down, my body temp is stabilizing and the dizziness and heartburn are gone, I think this is all my body can handle. I just think weekend spiking could be asking for trouble.

I worry the doctor’s going to hassle me about it if I’m right and give me a hard time about staying at 50 despite how I feel. I’m not going to let any person, state, government or institution control my body ever again, though. I will do what’s best for me. I just know how number-obsessed docs are. I worry she’ll threaten to drop me if I don’t follow her orders.

I’m feeling more blah than anxious tonight, just to be clear. My heart’s been fine so far. But worrying about how my body’s going to react to spiking when I already feel good enough on 50 gets to me at times. I know how pushy doctors can be, too. I’m glad no one can make me do anything I don’t want to do, but I can’t make her not drop me if I don’t “obey” her either. Just wish this shit would get settled somehow, someway, for once and for all. Worrying about aging, dying, a possible afterlife that could be worse than this life, and poverty revisiting us on top of worrying if he’ll make it home safely each day can be depressing enough. I don’t need help from a lousy pill.

Andy still hasn’t gone into detail about why his visit to Gary and his wife Jenny sucked. If I spent a few days with my sis, I think we’d have a blast. If it were a month…. eh, that’s iffy. That’s why I have mixed emotions about living close to her. I’d love to in that I know she’d be one of the most reliable, helpful and trustworthy people in an emergency situation, but at the same time, we haven’t always gotten along in the past. I understand people can change and either get along better (or worse) in the future. But still, if we got into it I’m not so sure I’d like her living nearby. For these same reasons, I have mixed emotions about Maui. The climate would be even more ideal than FL, but then I’d be going even FURTHER away from my long-time people who are family or close enough to it. I’d be nearly half a world away!

I would like to make local friends at some point, even if it means taking chances. I just don’t know how we’d accomplish that anytime soon with me always at home and him always at work.

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dearlordsanta · 2 years ago

Text

Maybe it's a good thing...

I am currently on day ten of whatever illness I've contracted. This is the best I've felt in those ten days, at least physically speaking.

I've taken off more days from work during this illness than I have all year because I really needed the rest, which is good that I'm learning to disconnect. I'm a little irritated now that I am starting to feel a little better though.

When I woke up today, my husband rolled over and told me that the dog had peed on the edge of her potty tray, so a lot of it got on the floor. I asked if he cleaned it up and he said he hadn't because he didn't feel well. That bothered me. He's actually had a really good ten days, which lined up well because I was really sick, so when he told me that he hadn't cleaned up the pee off the bathroom floor. I got mad. In my head, I just kept saying, "sometimes being a wife is a thankless job". [I'm going to be circling back to this]

I cleaned up the bathroom in a little tiff because I still don't feel well and I'm annoyed that he let it sit all night instead of cleaning it up. When it sits that long, you can't really tell where the pee is, so you have to clean the whole floor. So, here I am, sick, cleaning the bathroom floor because he didn't do it because he didn't feel well. How is that fair?

He got up shortly after I was done cleaning and we hashed it out a bit. To his credit, I was being really rude, and he was staying calm and reasonable. Have you heard of those Reddit threads, AITJ? If you haven't, it stands for 'Am I the Jerk'. I was the jerk here. Because he was doing well these last ten days, he offered to do everything I asked him to do. He said, "tell me what you need me to do, and I'll do it". He pointed out today that I never asked him to do anything. I think it's because I didn't trust or believe that he would. So, now I'm the jerk....again.

Circling back to the "thankless job" piece. After talking things out with my husband, realizing that I was being irrational and angry over my own shortcomings, I sat down to write it out. I am remembering growing up and hearing parents, specifically moms, saying that being a mom is a thankless job. When I remembered that, I started thinking that maybe that's why I don't get to be a mom. I've wanted to be one for as long as I can remember, but maybe I would just suck at it. So, fate found a way for me to not be one. I am happily married, but my spouse is chronically ill and if we had kids, he would not be able to be as involved as much as he'd like and I would still be the only one working, plus I'd be having to pick up all the slack of, essentially, being a single parent when he's too ill to be able to help.

So, now I feel like crap because I am the jerk, I would probably be a horrible mom, and I've still got the tail end of this sickness to deal with. On top of everything else, I don't even want to go into right now because a lot of it is just rehashing things that I've already talked about like, needing to move, but not being able to move.

So, I'll just end here. I think I deserve to be miserable for a bit.

#JournalVenting #caregiver #type1 #gastroparesis #chronicfatiguesyndrome #wifeofadiabetic #rebellionsarebuiltonhope #IamTheJerk #MyOwnFault #NeedToWallow

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nebulablakemurphy · 3 years ago

Text

Miss American Pie

Chapter Two: The Perfect Partner Project

Warning!: This series features a romantic Yelena Belova x Fem!Reader pairing. Please keep scrolling if that’s not for you. 💜

Summary: After you’re freed from Dreykov’s control you team up with Yelena and Natasha to take down the red room.

Chapter One : Chemical Subjugation

“I thought you had a jet?” Yelena cocks her head to the side, as you approach the decrepit helicopter.

“I asked for one.” Natasha mutters, under her breath.

“This isn’t a jet.” You add, the closer you get, the worse it becomes.

“I realize that!” The man who’d been standing with his back to you whips around to defend himself. This must be Natasha’s friend. “But you know what you didn’t give me? Time. Or money. I’m not made of jets.”

“Aww, he’s sensitive.” Yelena coos, “I see why you keep him around.”

“I’m not sensitive.” He protests.

“Of course not,” you smirk.

“Listen you-“ he breaks off. “Who are you again?”

“Y/N Y/L/N,” Yelena introduces you, climbing aboard. “She’s my partner….” She shrugs, “you name it really.”

“Partner works.” You chuckle, joining her in the cockpit.

“If you say so,” Yelena waves a dismissive hand. Getting a feel for the controls.

“Wonderful,” the man acknowledges your title.

“Thanks for the ride, Dick.” You salute him through the front window.

“It’s Rick,” he calls back.

“I know.” You give him a thumbs up. Waiting until he turns back to his conversation with Natasha. Taking the opportunity to lean down, kissing the top of Yelena’s head.

She cranes her head back to see you.

You nuzzle your nose against hers, until an exaggeration throat clearing tears you apart.

“We don’t have time for this.” Natasha, of course.

Yelena scowls at her, “yeah, yeah.”

Breaking Alexei out of a maximum security prison using only an earpiece, stowed inside of an action figure is a terrible plan. Nearly as bad as using him for information on how to locate a facility that’s impossible to find, run by a man who’s too slippery to kill.

That doesn’t stop you though. Generally speaking it’s going well. Until one of Yelena’s shots triggers an avalanche.

“Woah.” She marvels at the scene before you, her masterpiece. “Now this would be a cool way to die.”

“Yeah,” you holler back, sarcastically, over the chaos.

“You were getting no where with your tiny guns.” Yelena points out.

“Slow and steady wins the race,” you remind her.

“Fast is better. Solves problems.”

“And clearly creates new ones.” You jerk your chin toward the mountain.

“Get us out of here!” Natasha’s voice blares through the headset.

“I’m on it.” Yelena assures her. Moving into a better position for extraction. “Watch the side window.”

At her request you shuffle to the main ship. The prison guards are still putting up a fight. Inmates running in every direction.

“Alright, Natasha’s with us.” You confirm, once she’s secured her place on the black hanging rope. “Circle between the walls on your left to grab Alexei.”

“Yeah, no problem.” Yelena snarks, steering the plane away from another explosion.

“You’re doing a great job.”

“Don’t lie to me!”

“Fine,” you huff. “The spot is tight and the angle is bad. I don’t know how you’re gonna pull this off.”

Yelena is silent, processing the information. “Lie to me a little.” She amends.

“You got this.” The blinding wall of white threatens to swallow Alexei whole. You’re holding your breath too as the rope moves past the metal bridge he’s standing on.

“Well?” She yelps, impatiently.

“I don’t know. I can’t see.” Once the snow and ice clears, you spot two figures carefully scaling the rope. “Yelena?”

“Hmm.” She hums, expecting the worst.

“I knew you had it.”

“Yes,” Yelena sighs, before falling into easy laughter. More invested in this than she will ever admit.

————————————————————-

Unfortunately, entertaining as Alexei may be, he has next to no information about Dreykov.

Instead he drawls on and on about how the man wronged him. Stuck him on that “boring mission” in Ohio. Then tossed him in jail and threw away the key because of…hair? A party?

You weren’t entirely sure. You excuse yourself to the vacant seat beside Yelena. Giving her thigh a reassuring squeeze.

Full lips twitch up into a grin.

“Tell us where the red room is.” Natasha grumbles.

“I have no idea!” He shouts, and then in Russian. “Why don’t you ask Melina?”

“Mom Melina?” Yelena whips her head around.

“We thought she was dead.”

“You cannot kill a fox that swift,” Alexei sucks in a breath.

You choke on your own saliva.

“Ew.” Natasha winces.

“What?” The man shrugs. “She was the master mind. His architect.”

“Are you telling me that Melina works for the red room present day?” Natasha leans closer.

“Yes,” he nods. “Remotely, outside Saint Petersburg.”

“I don’t think we have enough fuel for Saint Petersburg.” Yelena decides, after checking the needle on the gauge.

“We’ll make it.” Alexei waves away her concern.

“Ok,” Yelena mutters.

You look over at her.

“We’re not going to make it.” She mouths, with a shake of her head.

You smirk, closing your eyes and relaxing into the seat. It’ll be nice while it lasts.

Before long you’re falling into a controlled crash, at the Saint Petersburg city limit.

“So,” Yelena jumps out onto the dirt. “Are we there yet?”

“No, you will know when we are there.” Alexei begins snorting like a pig.

——————————————————————-

You take a seat in the chair opposite Yelena inside Melina’s humble abode. Her pigs can be heard carrying on out in the yard and Alexei’s early snorting makes perfect sense now.

Your eyes dart around the three women at the table uncomfortably as noises continue erupting from the bathroom. “Everything alright in there?” You bellow, loud enough for your voice to carry down the hallway.

Another groan is the only response.

“Let’s drink,” Melina’s voice breaks the tension. She fills each of your shot glasses in turn.

“Thanks,” you raise the clear liquid and toss it back. Feeling it burn it’s way down your throat before going back for another.

After a moment a clunking from the doorway calls your attention.

“It still fits.” Alexei announces, having stuffed himself into his old costume.

Melina whistles, with a slow clasp as he approaches the seat at the head of the table. “I never washed it once. Come eat.”

He hums a tune under his breath, reliving days gone by. “Look at us, family back together again.” If you didn’t know better you’d think it was sweet, he seems…happy.

“Well,” Melina swallows, dishing mashed potatoes onto his plate. “Seeing as our family construct was just a calculated ruse that only lasted three years, I’m not sure we can use this term anymore.”

“Agreed,” Natasha perks up. “So here’s what’s going to happen-“

“Reunion then.” Alexei offers instead. “I want to say something right off the bat.” He says to the woman who’d once been his wife. “You haven’t aged a day. Just as beautiful and supple as the day they staged our marriage.”

Melina moves closer, “you got fat, but still good.”

“I just got out of prison,” he confesses, “I have a lot of energy.”

“Ooohooo.” The older woman exhales.

You can’t help the bubble of laughter that forces its way from your chest. Covering your mouth with your hand as Yelena takes another shot.

“Please don’t do that.” Beside you Natasha looks physically ill as she protests. Swallowing down her disgust she begins again. “So listen. Here’s what’s going to happen.”

“Natasha don’t slouch. You’re going to get a back hunch.” Melina flicks her fork in Natasha’s direction.

“What? I’m not slouching? I don’t slouch.”

“Eh, listen to your mother. Up! Up!” Alexei joins in.

“I told you, I don’t want any food.” Yelena pushes her plate away.

“Eat a little something Yelena, for God’s sake.” Melina says, piling food onto her plate.

Yelena groans.

“Are you kidding me? Stop it all of you. This is ridiculous.” Natasha bites out.

“Me? I didn’t do anything. That’s not fair!” Yelena argues.

“It’s true, she’s just sitting there.” You shrug.

“Here’s what’s going to happen,” Natasha roars, effectively silencing the room. “You’re going to give us the location of the red room.”

Melina purses her lips, avoiding the topic. “It’s like when you told them they could stay up to catch Santa Claus.”

“That was fun!” Alexei recalls. “Look out girls, he comes down the chimney. And when the cookies are gone you know he is there.”

Melina clicks her tongue.

“What? I want them to follow their dreams, shoot for the stars girls.”

“No good.” Melina disagreed.

“Killing Dreykov isn’t a fantasy. It’s unfinished business.” Natasha looks between the two of them.

“You cannot defeat someone who commands the very will of others.” Melina says, softly. “You never got to see the culmination of what we started in America. After the perfect partner project was rejected, we took a different route.”

“The perfect partner project?” You repeat, racking your brain. You’ve heard that somewhere before.

“Why’d Dreykov scrap the project?” Natasha’s voice cracks like a whip.

“I don’t know.” Melina’s eyes dart down to her plate.

You can see that she’s lying.

“That’s when we turned our focus to chemical subjugation.” Melina continues, “the control is so profound that when the subject is instructed to stop breathing. They have no choice but to obey.”

Yelena shakes her head. Perfect lips turned into a frown. Hazel eyes glistening with tears as they meet your own.

“That’s enough.” You warn the older woman, seeing the expression. The last thing you want to do is cause her anymore pain.

“No.” The blonde insists. “Tell me more about the partner project.”

“Yelena, we don’t have to do this.” You shake your head.

“Yes, we do.” Yelena slams her fist against the table in frustration.

“The extraction was messy to start. A high profile missing children’s case in North America. But the bond was very strong. Enhanced through targeted conditioning and subliminal messages. Until something happened that Dreykov did not anticipate.”

“What happened?” Natasha wonders.

“The girls became…attached.” Melina’s mouth twitches, “so they were separated.”

“Do you know who they tested on?”

Melina’s guilty eyes land on you. “I am sorry.”

“No,” you suspected, maybe. Somewhere in the back of your mind. You spent the first six months in the red room under solitary confinement. Rapidly and rigorously conditioned in a matter of weeks instead of years. Preparing you…for her. The teenager girl you couldn’t stand, the woman you eventually came to love.

“You,” Yelena laughs, although it’s not particularly funny. “Us.”

“Yelena-“ you reach for her hand across the table.

“Don’t,” she snaps. “Don’t tell me that it will be ok. They stole your life because of me. I never asked them to do that. I never asked for you!”

“I know.” You assure her. None of this was ever her fault.

“That’s right, because you know everything. Don’t you, Y/N?” Yelena scoffs, her hands balling into fists on either side of her dinner plate. “You know what I think. You know what I feel. Look at you. Ready to come out of your own skin because I am unhappy. Prepared to move mountains, prepared to start wars.”

“Like you’re any better.” You challenge, she knows you like the back of her hand.

“That is my point!”

“I’m sorry that this happened.” Alexei interrupts. Surely gearing up for a ‘father of the year’ speech. “But we are here now. All together! Wasn’t that worth a few years of-“

“Shut up!” Natasha growls at him. “You are an idiot.”

No response.

She moves her attention to Melina, “and you’re a coward. You’re a coward. And our family was never real. So there’s nothing to hold on to. We’re moving on.”

“Never family, huh?” Alexei throws up his hands. “In my heart I am simple man. For a couple deep undercover Russian agents I think we did pretty great as parents.”

“Yes,” Melina nods her agreement. “We had our orders and we played our roles to perfection.”

“Who cares? That wasn’t real.”

“What?” Yelena’s voice breaks.

“That wasn’t real.” Natasha repeats for emphasis. “Who cares?”

“Don’t say that. Please don’t say that. It was real. It was real to me. You are my mother!” Yelena all but sobs. “You are my real mother, the closest thing I ever had to one. The best parts of my life were fake.” She pauses, drawing in a steadying breath. “And none of you told me.”

You swipe at the tear that escapes your eye. Traitorously running it’s way down your cheek. It was never fake. Perhaps arranged, but never fake. The way you want to wrap her up in your arms, protect her from her own sadness. The way your heart breaks in time with hers. That is real. It has to be.

She turns back to the woman who she considered a mother. “Those agents that you chemically subjugated around the globe…that was me too.”

Finally she addresses Natasha, “and you. You got out. It is impossible to escape. Are you going to say anything?” A pause. “No.”

She pushes her chair from the table, taking the bottle with her as she stands. Turning her back in the four of you.

“Yelena.” Natasha calls after her. Guilt eating away from the inside out.

“No.” Yelena dismisses her a second time. Moving into the next room and closing the glass doors behind her.

You look down at the plate of food in front of you, now lacking any appeal.

“I had no idea.” Melina whispers, wringing her hands.

“I’ll go to talk to her.” Alexei offers, rising to his feet.

“About what?” You hum, “how you handed her over to a life of pain and suffering at the age of six? How you experimented on her? How you didn’t come back for her? Yeah. I’m sure that’s just what she needs right now.”

With that you excuse yourself, back out to the front yard. Slowly circling the perimeter of Melina’s cottage. Not looking for anything in particular. Just killing time until someone produces information about how to get to Dreykov.

The blinding light that appears moments later catches you off guard. A team of men exit one of the three circling planes. Since you couldn’t find the red room, this is the next best thing.

—————————————————————

Waking up is disorienting, coming to from a tranquilizer always is. It’s bright, almost blindingly so. It takes a moment for your eyes to adjust. You attempt to use your hands to cover them, only you can’t move your hands.

Leaning up as much as your restraints will allow you discover that you’re strapped to an operating table. And you’re not alone.

“Yelena?”

“Miss American Pie,” she drawls from a similar position. Neither of which gives you much chance to escape whatever fate awaits.

“You’re not allowed to die mad at me,” you grumble.

“I’m not mad at you.” She blinks slowly, as the surgeon marks a clean line at the perimeter of her hairline. “I’m just mad.”

“Yeah,” you let out a laugh, turning back to the light above the gurney. “Me too.”

“You are my perfect partner.” She murmurs, while gloved hands busy themselves with preparations. “I don’t know if that makes it better or worse.”

There’s a beat of silence between you. Acceptance…peace. “I love you, you know.”

At this Yelena smiles. A genuine, happy, smile. “I know.”

Something to remember her by.

The syringe at your neck releases a sedative into your blood and you fall asleep. One last time.

—————————————————————

Dying is peaceful, gently rocking in the ocean. Then swaying more violently, giving you the urge to be seasick. Your body should move with the force of it. But something holds you steady, something warm.

“Yelena?” You croak.

“Not quite, but there is resemblance, huh?” A different voice greets you.

“Alexei?” You realize, pushing yourself into a sitting position.

“That’s a girl, up you go.” He says, clapping a hand against your back.

“What happened?” You ask, “where’s Yelena?”

“Still inside,” Melina confirms. “Brought you here so you’d be safe.”

“Natasha?”

“They’re coming.”

You sigh, ready to jump out the open door of the hovering chopper.

“What are you doing?” Alexei demands.

“Going to find them.”

“Wait! Y/N, wait.” He pleads. “There’s something I must tell you. I tried to tell Yelena but I don’t have earpiece.”

“What?” Your brows furrow.

“Never mind that.” He shakes his head. “The point, is you were right. What you said about Yelena. We complete our mission, we move on. But losing her, losing my girls is my biggest regret.”

“I’ll tell her, don’t worry.” You give his shoulder a squeeze.

“Please let me finish.” He stops you again. “She carried your unconscious body through burning building, through explosions. This is not easy, you are very heavy.”

“Oh, Alexei!” Melina scolds him.

“Not that.” He amends, “you know what I mean. It is dead weight.”

You nod, “sure.”

“I look at you together and I see true love and I am happy. You are family now, and this time…we are going to stay together. We’re not leaving without you.” The older man says, helping you onto the metal grate of the falling red room.

Not a second later an explosion rings through your ears, sending Melina, Alexei and your get away vehicle spiraling to the ground.

“It’s the thought that counts,” you’ll make a new plan.

You run toward the flames and gunfire. “Yelena!” You call out, searching the surrounding area.

“Y/N,” Natasha finds you. “What are you doing?”

“I can’t find Yelena.”

“I thought she was with you.” The woman frowns.

“Well she wasn’t!” You bite out, fear and frustration getting the best of you.

“Don’t worry, we’ll find her. You go-“ the red head pauses. Her eyes focused on something behind your head.

You turn to follow Natasha’s gaze. Finding her. Yelena. The wild, unpredictable, firecracker of a woman. On the wing of the jet with Dreykov inside.

“Yelena! Stop!” You rush over, realizing what she’s about to do. Her staff poised at the propeller.

She pauses at the sound of your voice.

“He’s not worth it.” No one is worth it. Not when she is the cost.

Yelena smiles, eyes alight with mischief, “I love you, you know.”

“I know.”

Natasha tries to reason with her. “Don’t do it!”

“This was fun.” Yelena tells her sister, jamming the propeller and effectively destroying Dreykov’s jet. The force of the explosions sends her backwards, hurtling towards the ground with the remaining pieces of the red room.

“Put your pack on and jump.” Natasha tells you. Rushing for the nearest parachute. “I’m going to save my sister.” She dives head first over the edge, without putting on her harness.

“Not if I get there first,” you challenge. This would be a cool way to die.

Chapter Three: Bye Bye

#marvel fanfiction #yelena belova #black widow fanfiction #black widow #yelena belova x reader #yelena belova x female reader #yelena belova fanfiction #natasha romanoff #yelena belova imagine #yelena belova x you #yelena belova x y/n

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bakugohoex · 3 years ago

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sweet Akashi going to your wealthy husband's funeral, and spending a bit too much time fawning over you, ghosting his eyes over your baby bump and wondering how such an old fuck could even produce sperm instead of just puffing dust after a viagra. You aren't crying, but for show you had your makeup done as if you had been, and Akashi can tell, gently taking the bottom of the veil attached to your pillbox hat and leaning forward, brushing his lips on your cheek while he whispers to you. "Sweetheart, we both know you could do so much better."

"Oh? Better? As in living, or as in..."

"As in me." He smiles, fixing your pearl and diamond beaded veil before he touches the chiffon of your dress, ghosting the floor and covering your red bottom shoes. "I'm sure you're dying to sit." He hummed, then hooked his arm with yours, not really giving you a choice while he walks you to another room and helps you settle onto the fainting couch, then lays you back before he sits at your feet and carefully removes your shoes, grinning a bit at the groan and sigh you let out.

"Thank you."

"Of course." He stares, and it would make you uncomfortable if he weren't so pretty, and you would move away from the warm hands that slowly ghost up your legs, leaving trails of fire on your skin, but you stayed still, almost desperate after spending the last year devoted to a man with a bank account as big as his... well.... the number was as high as his blood pressure, but that was fine. You never wanted it to last. "So," Akashi purrs, pushing the skirt of your dress up until it passed the bend of your knee, and gravity took it the rest of the way down until it laid bunched in the bend of your hip, "I'm assuming you're craving a new touch... I know I would be if I was in your shoes."

"Well, thanks to you, neither of us are in my shoes."

"Would you have preferred I kept them on you?"

"Fuck you, never. I'm 8 months pregnant, and heels? My feet are killing me." He thinks its adorable, watching as you whine and meekly reach for your toes before giving up, and rest your hands on your stomach, rubbing it just a bit. ".....at least the kid is well behaved... she doesn't kick too much, and I bet she'll be cute."

"I hope she looks like you."

"Oh, do you?"

"I do."

"And why would that be?"

"So in a year or so when my ring is on your finger we can lie and say she's mine. They won't be able to tell the difference if she's as lovely as her mother." He smiles, and chuckles at the shock on your face.

"That's bold."

"You like bold."

"I do like bold."

"Is it too bold or not bold enough to fuck you in the room beside where your ex husband's funeral is being held?"

You wait, trying to see some kind of punchline, but he just stares with those intense eyes that bore into you, and all you find it seriousness.

"I never liked that he had you." Akashi shifts so he's on his hands and knees, crawling over you until he's directly above you, and your round tummy brushes against the buttons of his starch white dress shirt. You wonder for a moment when he abandoned the deep red jacket and vest of his 3-piece, but don't get long to ponder until he's unpinning your little hat from your hair, and setting it on a nearby table. "I wanted you, but I suppose it was a first come, first serve kind of thing, and he despised it when other men even glanced your way..."

"I like possessive and jealous."

"I like getting what I want."

"So-"

"So tell me you're mine and let's get this pitiful little game over with." Akashi blances on his knees and one hand, the other moving to undo his belt. He raises an eyebrow, and a nod is all he needs before your breath is taken away along with any residing worries.

Red was never a traditional color to wear to a funeral, nor that Akashi cared, nore did he care that it was disrespectful to the dead to fuck the widow in the next room, with his fingers stuffed in your mouth to keep you quiet and his teeth in your shoulder to muffle himself. He doesn't wonder how much of a pain it will be to clean your cum out of the cushions, and instead focuses on drawing it out of you, moving his fingers just to hear your hushed cries declaring yourself as his while he lifts his head and pulls the neckline of your dress down to suck at your tits. You were struggling, trying to figure out if you were just needy, or if Akashi was just that good, drawing out desperate little sobs with each push and pull of his hips, and the feeling of his mouth in your achy chest was even better, making your legs shake and a new round of honey drip around his cock. You're away too long, and you can vaguely hear people beyond the door looking for you when Akashi pulls out and hurriedly uses nearby tissues to clean you both. He takes extra care to fix your clothes, and pin your hat back into place before he places a teasing kiss to your lips.

"Awe, my pretty darling... I just know that you'll be a splendid little wife for me."

"Mm... people will wonder..." You're exhausted, wanting nothing more than to sleep despite needing to read a shitty speech someone else wrote for you.

"Say it's the woe of a new widow trying to save herself the sadness, or," he leans down, and gives you gentle kisses that lull your eyes shut, "I can just get rid of anyone who dares say an ill word against my pretty wife and darling daughter."

"Mhm... your darling daughter." You mutter, letting sleep take you, at least for a short bit, and Akashi smiles.

He always gets what he wants.

BABES please ya gonna make me become a whole ass simp for akashi like firstly fuck the old dead husband i just wanted money and now i have sexy af akashi

i’m in love with this like the fact that we fucked in the funeral like yeah i loved it and the baby will look like me and we can be a happy family where the old man is forgotten and akashi is the father and we have money and i get fucked and bred by the sexy boy

HES SO FINE LIKE THE WAY HE JUST UNDID THE CLOTHES AND LET THE DRESS RIDE UP AND TOOK THE STUPID HAT OFF AND THEN FUCKED READER BABES IDK HOW YOU THINK OF THIS BECAUSE GENUINELY ITS AMAZING AND IM ALWAYS SPEACHLESS AFTER READING IT ALL

i just love it all sm 🥺

#bakugohoex #ask ria #akashi seijuro x reader #seijuro akashi x reader #seijuro akashi #akashi seijuro #🍰 anon

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creepytoes88 · 4 years ago

Text

His cumslut

Letting Vinnie do basically whatever he wants tends to benefit me more then most people might think. My best friends are always saying I’m gonna regret letting him go to whatever party or anyone's house. They say he’s a hypocrite because he always has tabs on where I'm at and who I'm with honesty it does get annoying at times but he can't help that he has trust issues. I knew what I was getting into when I said yes to being his girlfriend he has had a bad past with every girlfriend he's had, all of them have cheated and every girl he got with outside of a relationship just uses him. He was very clear on how he feels about unnecessarily revealing clothes “Wear what you want but if I have to kill a guy tonight I'm punishing you when we get home.”

A very common phase he uses but that's the worst of it I don't mind telling him who I'm with or where I am, I never ask him where he is because because I know he won't go looking around anywhere else. I've explained this to them a thousand times “Well tell us why your so confident he won't cheat” I blush slightly and shrug “YOU DO THIS EVERYTIME” I look down “it’s personal” they look at each other and laugh “tell us you prude” I chuckle slightly “promise no Judgement or making fun of me!” they both hold out their pinkeys and nod “wellllll...I let him do whatever he wants-” kay laughs “Yea we know” I look down “i mean anything” I slowly look back up “what he says goes.... Don't wear clothes for the rest of the week.....suddenly I'm busy all week” they look at me dumbfounded “of course there are exceptions but I let him have complete control with the sexual side of the relationship.” I say with a small smile “and he's good at it too” they look at each other and look back at me before busting out in laughter, “no wonder your not worried...your his sex slave” I tilt my head Vinnie had never used that term with me, I grew up with Vinnie me and him went to school together we weren't close till middle school we decided in freshman that we would be best as friends. The second week him and I were in LA we went to a party and ended up hooking up I was a virgin, and I thought it was gonna ruin everything but to my surprise, we just kept getting more and more serious.

After 5 months of living in the sway house, we moved out into our little house, our sex life completely changed when we no longer had people living with us. Vinnie told me his sexual dreams of having me whenever he damn well pleased and having me wear things he likes. Vinnie makes jokes about it but in real life I'm only allowed to call him Vinnie if we're in public inside the house his name is Daddy and that alone. The first time we had a fight in the house I called him by his name and he simply picked me up threw me over the couch, he edged me for hours when he finally let me release the power of it made me faint for a minute scaring the the absolute shit out of Vinnie. ”Honestly your not wrong...he’s never called me that but I guess your kinda right” they are quite for a second so I look at them “what” they look at each other before kay takes a deep breath “are you happy though, Outside of the sex he not controlling or pushy?” I smile “oh he's perfect and so sweet to me honestly I'm more worried of hurting his feelings.” I feel my phone vibrant and then Vinnie’s ring tone I answer quickly wondering why he didn't face time me or text me “hey bab-” I hear him breathing deeply “whats wrong?” I ask with worry “I really need you to head home now baby I’ve had a very long day and I need to release some tension.”

I feel shivers go down my spine and I feel myself already starting to get wet I let out a fake sigh “alright Vinnie if it’s that important I’ll be home in 10 minutes” hoping the girls won’t think it’s about something dirty. Vinnie lets out a chuckle “they are still giving you shit about me?” I laugh “I’ll be home soon I love you” I hung up and give the girls an apologetic face “girls I’m-“ they laugh and stand up “it’s okay Y/n we don’t want him to throw a tantrum because your not naked when you get there” I gasp turning around seeing their playful faces “you guys are ridiculous.” We all laugh as we go separate ways, I get in my car rushing home I want to beat him to the house so I can keep the plan of being naked. The second I step in the house I start stripping and then as I’m about to pull my skirt off I hear a door slam. I gasp and rush upstairs flinging my clothes off just leaving them there. I hear the Door open then slam shut I jump on the bed quickly, I place my head and chest against the bed my ass in the air. I spread my legs as far as possible trying to calm my breathing my heart is basically beating out of my chest as I wait for him patiently.

Vinnie's POV

I pull in to the house and shut off the car taking a deep breath ”Vinnie it's not Y/n’s fault that Justin is a dumbass” I say to myself getting out of the car I slam the door releasing as much anger as possible before going in the house to my beautiful wife to be. I will marry this woman she's everything I've ever wanted or needed but now isn't the time for marriage or at least that's what I keep telling myself walking in to the house and slamming that door too I am already kinda feeling better I'm still fucking pissed but I'm not raging anymore I toss my keys into the bowl and take off my shoes seeing hers just tossed to the side unlike usual. I walking into the living room to see her shirt and bra on the floor I smirk and walk up to the stairs seeing her skirt and her panties along with her socks right outside the closed door. “Hello my love-” I walk in to see her bent over with her ass in the air, her beautiful flower on full display along with her cute little button. The sight takes my breath away I can see her arousal dripping down her legs “well aren't you just the prettiest view.”

I see her wiggle her squishy cheeks making me laugh a little “wanna give Daddy a little dance show princess?” I was kidding but my baby never disappoints she immediately started to shake her butt to an imaginary song I watch with my mouth open a little I truly didn't know she was capable of dancing that way. I watch in awe as she began to make her ass clap (as one does💀) I grunt as I feel my dick become impossibly hard I began to take my clothes off as I pull down my boxers. My cock slaps against my lower stomach making my stomach twist I grab ahold of it watching as large amounts of pre-cum slip out. I swiping my tip letting out a little grunt, I hear her call my name I look up at her to see her look at me from between her legs “can I help?” she asks as she bites her lip. I immediately let go and I feel another large amount of pre-cum drip down my staff again making me blush slightly no one makes me as horny as she does.

Y/n’s POV

I jump up from my spot I roll off the bed dropping to my knees in front of him I take both my hands and intertwine them with his big warm hands. First I lick up the line of pre-cum that's made its way to his balls all the way back to his tip before sinking down till he hit the back of my throat. Vinnie lets out a gasp rocking his hips against my face pushing the rest of his cock down my throat a gag comes out as a result but I continue to bob my head and suck I pull my head off taking a breath or two before opening back up and taking him all the way till my nose is pushed against his naval. The prickly hair tickling my nose I let out a small giggle “Oh fuck what was that” Vinnie moans above me and he grabs the back of my head by my hair in a fist “I'm gonna fuck your throat baby are you ready?” I nod my head best I can with his thick and long cock stuffed in my throat and blocking my airway. He pulls back till his tip is almost out before thrusting back in a popping and gagging sound come from my throat and my eyes rolls to the back of my head. I never thought I would get so much pleasure from giving a man head in my life but something about his taste and the feeling of him stuffing my throat that I just can't get enough of. Once I spent a whole day just sucking his dick he came in my mouth and down my throat too many times to count I had a little stomach bulge after and it kinda looked like a food baby. I remember Vinnie asked if that meant I was technically carrying his children now I smile slightly at the memory but I'm brought back to reality when I hear him calling my name “oh fuckfuckfuck” he pushes his cock as far down my throat as possible “Shit Y/n fuck baby!” shooting a long, and hot load down my throat I grab his hips gargling my throat around his cock making him jump and try to pull away as he continues to cum down my throat. He succeeded in pulling out and the last little bit of cum landing on my tongue “mmmm Daddy you taste so good” I say licking my lips I use my finger to the the rest off my chin and off his tummy I look in his eyes at I take the finger and put in my mouth moaning at the taste again. “Fuck Princess you enjoy that way to much don't you think?” he laughs as he lays down on the bed “my balls hurt” he laughs I crawl back on top of him kissing his cheeks and finally his lips “you taste so good though Daddy, I just can't get enough of you.” I run my hands threw his hair “give me like 10 minutes and ill make you feel so good baby” he says as he kissed my neck I sit beside him rubbing his god like body (somebody said something about licking his biceps in the comments as I kinda like that idea so enjoy)

I run my hands over his shoulders and down his arms admiring his gorgeous skin I feel the need to worship him show him just how much of a slave for him I am he doesn't need to tell me I'm his slave, I already know I am and I'm gonna show him. “Mmm Daddy let me worship you” I whine as I began to kiss his chest and shoulders I run my hands up and down his toned stomach I began to kitten lick his hard muscles sucking little hickeys while I'm at it. “Fuck Princess what did you say” I start to kiss and lick his abs my hands rubbing his hard thighs pulling away I say “when I was at lunch with the girls I finally told them the truth about why I trust you so much they called me your sex slave.” I stop and begin to leave hickeys all over his hips and sex lines his hard cock brushing my cheeks and chin “I thought about it and I agree and honestly I wouldn't have it any other way” I lean down kissing his lips “oh princess I'm gonna make you more then just my sex slave” I sinister smile runs across his face and gleam appears in his eyes “I'm gonna make you my cumslut and your gonna beg for my cum....well everywhere if I have it my way.” he says looking in my eyes I feel a blush run on my cheeks and an excited shiver run down my back “you know you'll have it your way Daddy that my job right?” I say with a cute smile tilting my head trying to look innocent Vinnie let's put a dark chuckle “I can't wait to ruin you and really turn you into my cumslut” he pulls me down before flipping us over so he's on top “you won't be able to think about anything else except the way it feels for me to cum in your beautiful body” that sentence sent a violent shiver down my spine, I just got on birth control a little over 2 weeks ago but we haven't had raw sex quite yet mostly because we wanted to be sure the birth control is in full effect before taking the chance. (let's pretend you can't get pregnant on birth control at all lmao) I guess now is better than never “please Daddy make me your cum slut” I whine hooking my leg around his hip running my hands threw his hair.

Vinnie’s POV

My poor little bunny had no idea what she was doing to me as far as she's concerned these are just words flying out of her mouth but to me they are her words of true love and true trust. She trusts me enough to control her body and soon her mind, once she falls into the state of a cumslut I know she won't be able to control her body or her mind hopefully she feels relaxed in that state. The last thing I would want is for her to have a bad experience with me being the one in charge. I push my head into her neck running my staff between her slick lips a small moan falls from her lips “thank you, baby, I won't disappoint you I promise.” I kiss her lips once more before grabbing ahold of both of her legs pushing my spongy tip into her entrance the feeling completely different from when I have a condom on I let out a low gasp. Goosebumps pop up on my skin and a shiver runs down my spine as I pull out a light popping noise is made “UGH FUCK YOUR SO TIGHT” I let out a loud moan throwing my head back. I look back down seeing my sweet girl looking back up at me with wide innocent eyes and her mouth slightly open her hands hold tight onto my shoulders without even thinking I push inside of her both of us moaning as her wet walls fluttering around my dick about sending me into orbit I quickly bottom out letting out a grunt using my free hand to move her hair out of her face “F-fuck Daddy please I want you to use me” I began to jackhammer into her feeling her wall pulse around me her loud moans filling my ears as I pick up her legs pushing them into her shoulders feeling myself go further inside of her “Da-DADDY” I chuckle “what baby is there something you want” she whines and grinds her hips into me making me go even further if that's possible. “Daddy please cum inside of me I wanna feel it” Her little body was shivering, I feel my balls tighten so I began to rapidly pound inside of her “OH YESSS IM CUMMMING” she yells out thrusting her hips up. I grunt pushing as far into her as I can releasing deep inside of her, I look down to see her tense and shivering “you ok bunny,” I ask slightly worried “i-so um I-please” I look at her slightly confused “what baby?” I say with a little laugh I see her open her eyes a little before spreading her legs again “more please.” she whines out I drop my mouth open at my cute little whiney mess “oh princess you have no clue what you just did”

I have other things coming but should I make a part 2 to this

#vinnie #vinnie hacker #vinnie hacker imagines #vinnie hacker smut #vinnie hacker x reader #Sway #Swayboys #sway gaming #swaygaming #swayla #swayhouse #hypehouse #thehypehouse #hypehousesmut #Smut #smut imagine #smut imagines #dirty imagines #imagine

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slashingdisneypasta · 3 years ago

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Human!Freddy Krueger x Fem!Reader || Oneshot

Title: What The Fuck Now, Freddy!?

Notes:

This is not inherently romantic, at all. Or sexual. Just... Freddy being a bastard, and you are caught in the crosshairs- and are forever linked with him because of it.

I've been listening to Lizzie, a lot lately- and this is inspired by 'What The Fuck Now, Lizzie!?'

Also- I'm thinking this will have a part 2. Due to the ending not being quite enough. Maybe a part for the court proceedings!

Plot: Many will know the story of that terrible day Krueger essentially snapped- killing his wife, Loretta Krueger. She saw the basement, they say, and he didn't like that. Their daughter saw the whole thing and suffered a traumatic response to seeing the sight of her mother, strangled to death, by her father- and forgot the whole thing.

But if she were to remember something, one day.

She may remember something no one knows about that day, aside from Freddy himself.

She may remember, that someone else was there.

She may remember you.

Alternatively- you're being blackmailed by Freddy who found out you, another supposedly Plain Jane in Loretta's 'mothers club', is cheating on your husband and calls you up to help deal with the mess he made. Because who else did he have?

Warnings: Okay lemme see, its basically a potluck of triggers. Hm. Murder, swearing, cheating (You, on your husband. Not with Freddy), getting rid of a body, a child gets traumatised (Obviously, Kathy/Maggie), Freddy himself, mention of the basement and all that entails, reader with a very questionable moral compass. Look, I think if you can watch Freddy's Dead, you're good here.

I'm just heading out the door, to go grocery shopping - or, at least, that's the story I tell my husband. When really I don't do the grocery shop until the day after tomorrow. He never notices... - when the phone rings. By very nearly tripping over my feet in my endeavour to catch it before the ringing stops, I manage pick up the phone with very little injury besides an achy, slightly twisted ankle. "Hi! Hi, sorry, I'm here. Hello?"

Pouting, I sit down at the kitchen table; Rubbing my poor ankle to sooth the pain, which would soon diminish anyway. Still- I'm sorry, ankle. I'll try to chill.

When the voice on the other end reveals who it is who's called the house, I lose all need to be pleasant. Damn. I really need to memorise this goddamn number... so I can not answer it. "Whatcha wearin'?"

"Thank god Harrison didn't answer this, you fuck." I deeply roll my eyes. Thank god Har's out. No, this is not my mister, not the man I was going to meet just now- but its bad, enough. In an entirely different way. Its stupid, blackmailing, son of a... hundred maniacs. "What do you want?"

"What a way to answer the phone, Y/N. Gee, seems like every time I we talk, I'm learning how you really aren't in the right place, are you? Cheating on your poor husband, swearing... These aren't really signs of the perfect suburban house wife, is it?" Gritting my teeth, I keep from lashing out. I've learned, if you stay real quiet, Freddy wont have anything to pull from and will get bored quick. "Why so silent, hm?"

"... " Oh, fuck me. I cant help it. "Wondering where you get off judging me on being 'suburban', actually."

"Anywhere I like, thanks."

Oh... oh. Gross?

He doesn't see the disgust tearing my face into two perfect halves right now, but my silence must be enough as he laughs. The sound is directly into the phone, and harsh on my poor eardrums. Ugh... "Oh for gods sake... What are we? Fourteen years old?? Come on- why'd you call?"

"Uhhhh... " Quickly, midway through that drawn out 'um' sound, Freddy's voice transitions, and gets a whole lot darker. Something deep in his chest dislodging, to make it so. Perhaps, his heart. "Well... you might wanna come and see for yourself."

"Uh, I don't think so. I have somewhere to be right now- "

"Oh well you don't, anymore." And its clear what he isn't saying- or else I'll tell Harrison about Carter and set your life on fire. "Tell your boy toy you're takin' a reign check for the day. I think you'll last. In fact... after you come over here, you might be out of the game for a couple a hours at least- maybe days."

Hold on, hold on Freddy what the fuck- "What!?"

"... Believe it or not, I didn't actually mean for that one."

Moron.

Nevertheless, no matter how just... off setting, Freddy is, I had to when he asked. I had to jump when he said so.

Because if not, then he would tear my life apart.

So here I am, about to knock on that big red door he lives behind, wondering what I'm walking into. Where's Loretta? Where's Kathy? How long will the visit be? I told Carter I'd be an hour or two late- any longer and I wont see him at all today. Which would absolutely suck.

Just after my knuckles come down on the wood the first time, a hand comes down on my shoulder and I immediately jump out of my skin... then slowly look around.

There's Freddy, a cheeky grin on his face. It does nothing to set my nerves at ease. "Ugh... Why are you out here?"

"We're going to the backyard. Lets go." Taking me by the shoulders, he marches me around the side of the house, instead of through it for some reason, and into the familiar backyard. I've been here numerous times, as Loretta likes to hold our club meetings here - Barbecue's, tea's... that sort of thing. Just to let the kids play together and so the adults can enjoy some adult conversation. Its a nice yard... but depending on what her horrid husband is about to show me, it may not be considered as such anymore... - , but I'm now starting to develop a sick feeling in my stomach.

Honestly- I don't know much about Freddy at all. Yes, I went to school with him, but that doesn't mean much when he was a freaky loner kid the whole time. I remember he killed the class hamster once- that's about the only splash he ever made in the news pool; But it definitely stuck.

Yes, Loretta cleaned up his image a fair bit since getting married, but now he's blackmailing me, and as far as I know I'm now alone with him.

Suspicious of him suddenly, I slip out of his grip with a dirty look flashed his way. Don't touch me.

He just rolls his eyes, leading me around some hedges.

And then everything stops.

Him, me, the air; The air around me, the breeze, the breath in my throat.

There lays Loretta, on the ground. If I was really really naïve, I could imagine she were sleeping... or passed out, at least, due to the way she's sprawled out. No one would lay down like that willingly.

But... her eyes are open.

For a moment I'm tempted to kneel down; Take a closer look. Find out how, myself. Is she bleeding anywhere that I cant see now? Are her lips turning blue? If I moved some short red hair out of the way- would their be marks on her neck yet?

But then I come to my senses...

And freak. The fuck. O u t.

"What, the fuck, did you do!?" I whip around, looking at Freddy now which entirely new eyes. I mean, before I sure wasn't fond- but now I'm filled with something new, looking at him. Something a lot worse, something that makes me want to run. Run, and hide, and stay there.

And all these, even though he hasn't really changed. He still wears a mischievous smirk, stony blue eyes eating up my reactions... like always. But this time its just so so much worse. "Made some dead weight- now you're gonna help me get rid of it. So!" Finally, though its been only a matter of seconds, he turns his gaze off of me and I'm glad. That gaze is far too heavy. "Ideas?"

Only for a moment am I lost for words, struggling to push anything out. "I... I'm sorry??"

His gaze returns to mine, but this time my eyes are hard as his are dark. "Help. Me. Get rid of her. Fucking. Body. Or do you want your dirty laundry aired for the whole community to hear?"

Before I can help myself, I let out a sharp laugh, only succeeding in making Freddy's scowl deeper. "Freddy- this secret's a lot bigger, then mine. Sure, I might get divorced- but you're going to prison!" Does he get that? He's g o i n g to j a i l. Crossing my arms, I try to avoid looking at my ex-friend's body. I cant. "I'm sure as hell not gonna be in there with you, for being an accomplice."

I really cant look at her... I can only focus on Freddy. And that takes a lot of energy- its taking everything in me, in fact. Everything I have. But I have to. If its him or her, there's no choice.

But... then a creepy smile spreads across his face- a vast polarity to the frustrated glower of before. It makes my blood run cold.

"Ohhhh..." He looks almost ferocious, even in his composed state. Like a monster. Like any moment a fanged, inhuman creature is going to burst out of him and I'm going to wake up, and this will have been a nightmare. A horrible nightmare. The kind where that creature haunts me for a long time, after its over. After this over.

He's going to haunt me.

"You must think this is my first time... " My heart turns to ice, mouth hanging a little open... what the fuck have I found myself a part of!? Suddenly all the children's disappearances on the news lately come to the forefront of my brain... "Sweetheart, give a man his dues. I'm a hard working kinda guy... " I watch his gaze flicker to a door - the back door? No... The basement door, - and when a filthy smirk pulls at his mouth, my heart flies up into my throat. God, it makes me feel sick. I want to be violently ill. "My first was my adoptive Dad... pretty sick, huh?"

The fact that he didn't say anything about the basement, makes my imagination go wild. I swallow it down, though.

I just need to get out of here, and never think about this again.

And to do that I need to help Freddy get rid of this goddamn body- and... probably... testify at court... As the panic starts to finally rise up in my, right up to fill my throat, I immediately take in a deep breath and slowly let it out. "Okay... " No time to freak out. Now's the time for action.

Gaze flickering to Loretta again, I try to acclimatise to the sight. I think its a lost cause, though. "How did you get rid of him? Your Dad?"

"No, that's not gonna work. He was a drunk dead beat, and I just had to tell the police some guy's he owed money to came over to the house." Freddy grins happily at the memory, but then just as quickly, scowls at his poor deceased wife's body- that certainly cant fight back. I just tack this onto the long list of reasons I hate him. "Lore's such a goddamn goody goody- we cant do the same thing. You don't think I woulda thought of that??"

"Hey." I snap, hands braced on my hips as I flash a glare his way. "This is not the time to get defensive!"

"Whatever... "

Then- suddenly, something occurs to me. Confused, I look around; A deeply horrified feeling disturbing my stomach. "Hold on... Where's your daughter?" Seeing no sign of her anywhere, I definitely start to panic again- especially when I look to Freddy and just see a pert look in his eyes as he looks back at me, a smile that strikes something horrid inside me. My eyes narrow. "You sick fuck- where the fuck is she!??"

"Under the bed."

"What the fuck does that mean!?" I exclaim, frustrated and freaking out. He did not- he did not! Killing your spouse is one thing, but the kid?? Your own kid??

I don't wait around for him to be cryptic some more, and rush right into the house to look for her. Under the bed, under the bed, under the fucking bed...? Which fucking bed!? Forcing ferocity out of my voice, I carefully call out to Kathy. Hoping to god she answers. I try to sound normal. Maybe a little bit cheerful; Excited.

But my voice wobbles.

"Kathy?? Sweetheart, its Y/N! Are you hiding? I have something for you... " ?? You have something for her, Y/N?? God... now you have to figure out some kind of treat.

You know what? Whatever. We'll figure that out later.

Lets just hope we aren't searching for a corpse. I'd definitely be sick, seeing a child... the way Loretta is...

Shaking my head and clenching my fists, I try to focus on Kathy.

I check under the bed in the guest room because it comes into view first and she isn't there, then her bedroom and she isn't there either... and get a sick feeling as soon as I enter the last bedroom. Freddy's and Loretta's.

God, I've never been in here before but its like a museum peace now. A horrible one. Like if you would walk into the Titanic... or the Borden house.

"Kathy? You in here?" Flicking on the light I kneel down on the ground, and check under the bed.

And something immediately crashes over me, as the sight of her covering her eyes down there. It isn't exactly relief, because this whole situation is still phenomenally fucked up for her, but I am selfishly glad to not have to see her body... crumpled, just like her mother.

"Hey sweetheart," My voice quivers slightly now, but I quickly swallow. No. No. Now, you must be strong Y/N. "Its just me. Your Daddy was looking for you, and couldn't find you! It got him worried!"

"I... I don't wanna see Daddy. He hurt Mommy." Kathy doesn't remove her hands from her face, and stays firmly by the wall- too far away for anyone to grab. My heart sinks.

Slowly straightening up again, I try to take that piece of information in. Turning to the doorway, I see Freddy there. he must have followed me. I didn't even notice. Slowly, and quietly ferociously, I say; "She saw?!"

He has the good sense to look embarrassed, even if it is just to make fun of me. "It was spur of the moment... " He shrugs. "I didn't have time to get a babysitter!"

What a fucking excuse. For gods sake.

I'm definitely dealing with a psycho- if that was even a question before now.

Swiftly, I look down under the bed again, because I'm afraid that if I continue to engage with him- I'll scream, and I'll lose my breath, and I'll scare Kathy even more. She's at the forefront of my mind; That's all I can think about.

But what to do with her after I get her out from under this bed, I don't know. I cant give her back to her father... but I cant hand her over to the police either because that would involve telling them about Loretta, and... Freddy will definitely kill me, for that.

This is a nightmare of a situation.

I'm just opening my mouth to say something - what, I don't know yet, - when she speaks, instead. "Is he there?"

"... Yes." I wont lie to her; That would be treating her with not nearly as much respect as she deserves.

When she takes a deep breath and rubs her eyes, as if just trying to keep herself together, my heart clenches. God... and to think I might not have picks up Freddy's call today. I would have been leaving her with this. For the first time today, I'm morbidly glad I came.

She speaks in that loud, hissy way that kids think is a whisper. "Can he... can you please make him go away?"

Immediately I straighten back up and look to Freddy again, my eyebrows raised halfway up my forehead. Like well? "Get out."

"I don't think you're in a position to make demands here, bi- "

"Do you want Kathy to live down there now!??" I snap, trying not to be scared. Not really feeling scared, actually. Just happy to have a reason to tell him to get the hell away from me.

A deep frown creases his mouth, deeply unhappy about the situation, but steps back. I only hear him step out of the way of the door, but its good enough. Quickly, I get up and close the door - fighting with myself not to slam it, - and lock it.

Then I return to the floor, and see this time Kathy has uncovered her eyes. She looks so small, smaller then she actually is, and she looks like she's shaking. Little red bows and piggy tails in her hair are messy from crawling under the bed. "He's gone, sweetheart. And I locked the door."

She just nods, so I take the silence as a chance to offer my hand to her. "Take my hand, sweetie? Come on out from under the bed. Its cold down there, and no one wants you getting sick." I need to upkeep the family friend bit, I need to sound caring and collected. I need her to trust me.

Her big eyes, not Loretta's colour or Freddy's, look nervous as hell. And she shakes her head.

Taking a deep breath, and I conjure all the sincerity as I can. And mean it. My eyes soften and I try really hard, to resent myself as someone trustworthy- which is hard, seeing as I've never really been that. I mean, I'm cheating on my husband. I told Carter today the same lie I told Harrison when i knew I was going to be late. The only person I think who knows the truth behind all my lies is Freddy. That says something about a person, that the only person who knows them is a psychopath.

But I want to, I need to, be good for this little girl. And there's no time for me turn my life around so it has to start with this. How fucked is that?

"... I promise, I'll take care of you. He wont hurt you."

After a few whole minutes, in which I stay silent because yes she's a child, but she's still thinking, she crawls over and takes my hand, letting me lead her out. Crawling into my lap as I cross my legs under her, she buries her face in my shirt- hiding. "You promise?"

Taking a deep breath, because I've really done it now, I offer my pinky for her to see if she turned her head. I know Freddy's listening to all of this through the wall, but I try not to freak out. "Pinky swear?"

"Pinky swear." She peaks out from my shirt, and curls her little finger around mine. Okay... "Y/N... I'm scared."

"Yeah... Me too, sweetie."

What am I going to do?

#Freddy Krueger x Fem!Reader #Freddy Krueger x Reader #Slashers #Slashers x Reader #Fem Reader #Freddy Krueger #Loretta Krueger #Katherine Krueger #Kathrine Krueger #Maggie Burroughs #Oneshot #Freddy Krueger x Reader Oneshot

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timextoxhajima · 4 years ago

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Love Me A Little Less: Chapter 9 - Obligation

LOVE ME A LITTLE LESS CHAPTER MASTERLIST

Member: (3rd person pov) arranged marriage au with Lee Juyeon

Genre: angsty wangsty

Taglist: @hyunjaethereal @sunwoowuvbot @suzy-rainbow @miingxuxi

“It was like Se Kyung’s eyes had been surgically transferred into another body. ”

Hesitation stops Kim Jo-Pil for a few seconds. He parts his quivering lips and takes a deep breath, then says, just loud enough for Juyeon to hear, “I made a mistake. One too big for me to dig a hole and throw it in.”

Juyeon’s frown deepens, and he hears the sheets shuffling in the bedroom. He reaches forward, pulling Jang Won’s door shut.

It is only in Kim Jo-Pil’s home-made office (also known as Jang Won’s second guest room) that Juyeon is surprised by the number of mini and portrait-sized canvasses painted by his wife. Just for a split second, Juyeon buys it. Maybe Kim Jo-Pil isn’t as horrid of a person Kim Jang Won thinks he is.

But it’s the picture of their family sitting on his desk that ironically turns Juyeon’s head around.

“What is all this? For show? For when Jang Won storms in and you’ll think she’ll go soft, seeing all this?”

Kim Jo-Pil lands himself in the sofa seat next to the bed, piled with files and documents and boxes, leaving Juyeon to stand awkwardly by the end of the bed, eyes scanning the mess in the room.

“You sound like her... after her mother passed and before I did.”

Juyeon’s nostrils flare. “If you don’t want to tell me why you decided to come back and ruin her life, so be it. I don’t need to stand here and listen to all your-”

“Younghoon wasn’t Se Kyung’s first child.”

Silence.

Juyeon’s heart halts in his chest.

Kim Jo-Pil looks out the window, eyes looking in the distance where the city’s skyscrapers were kissing the sun. “Se Kyung had a child born out of wedlock before she married me. But they made her choose. The child’s life or her freedom.”

“Back then, The Board already had administrations favouring arranged marriages between families under the conglomerate. It was an easy system to keep the number of royalties under control. The cycle repeats itself. Two families become one, and a new family joins. Superpowers are reduced from two to one overnight, and The Board would never have to be worried about being overthrown because the supers would simply be too busy outdoing each other and seeking validation from the administration.”

“Did you know?” Juyeon whispers. “That she already had a child?”

“I knew... not because I was meant to, but because I wanted to. It was The Board’s annual Christmas Charity Event in the early 1990s and Se Kyung had gone with her parents, and I had gone with mine. She was sweeter than a daisy in a meadow full of flowers. She was polite, kind, and had a reputation for being the most stubborn creature on the planet, even then. It was one of the many things that Jang Won had inherited from her.”

“She spent her early twenties away from home, supposedly in another country working her way through foreign industries and making a name for herself. I didn’t know she had returned until my father told me that the Yoo family had chosen to merge with another - mine - I couldn’t be happier. One night, I decided to sneak to into their property and propose to her formally, way before the arrangements were to be made public. And... I heard it. The crying. Fighting.”

Kim Jo-Pil’s eyes fall. “She had returned with a child in hopes to bond her to the Yoo family. The father was a coward and ran once he had heard she was from a reputable family. Too much politics, too much money.”

“But the baby. Oh, the baby. Sweetest little thing I’ve ever seen in my life. My poor, poor Se Kyung... She was given the options: Marry into the Kim family and give the baby away, or her parents will have it dispensed like it had never been born.”

By now, Kim Jo-Pil has tears in his eyes.

“After we had Younghoon, something in Se Kyung clicked back to life. I remember the night she delivered him. The sparkle in her eyes that I fell in love with the day I met her had returned... but I knew for a fact that I needed to find her first-born, no matter the implications. It was the least I could do for her. By then, the child had to be a few years older than Younghoon and so, I spent the time that I should’ve spent with Se Kyung and my own children looking for her - the baby.”

“Se Kyung lost her parents in an accident the night Jang Won was born. She lost the worst nightmares of her life in exchange for a beautiful baby girl... so, what more could she ask for?”

Kim Jo-Pil sucks a deep breath. “I couldn’t find the child. I went to all the orphanages and the foster homes and by then Se Kyung had already fallen ill. Brain cancer - inherited. All I wanted was to return Se Kyung was her first-born and yet I did not deliver. When Jang Won was 16, Se Kyung passed. The last foster home that had taken care of the child said that she had reached a legal age to take care of herself. She could’ve gone under the radar if she wanted, changed her name if she wanted, and I’ll never be able to find her. Little did I know that she had grown to become much more of a person than I ever expected her to be, and she had been practicing advanced medicine throughout her college life.”

Juyeon is giddy from the influx of information, and so he braces himself when his own neurons piece the puzzle together.

“She was the one who revived you. The child.”

The elder shuts his eyes and lets the tears dribble over his lids.

It felt like a dream. The ache in his chest. The rough texture of gravel under his cheek when he collapsed. But Kim Jo-Pil opens his eyes, in thorough shock, when he realises he’s not in the hospital, but in some worn-down warehouse with a bunch of illegal medication that shouldn’t even be legally available outside of the hospital.

He had remembered the lights in the operating theatre, and even the sound of his slowing heartbeat in the drums of his ears.

So how is it possible that he’s-

“Ah, you’re awake! I was starting to worry that it didn’t work, Goddamn Narcan.”

Kim Jo-Pil tries to move, but he can’t. He couldn’t move a single muscle in his body besides his eyes.

“Don’t worry, I’m not gonna hurt you.”

The lights above him had been preventing him from seeing her face, and when he did, he swore he could’ve been snapped into two when he recognised her eyes.

She pushes away the lights and turns to remove her surgical equipment, the sound of latex snapping away from her fingers echo through the dismay of the room. She returns her attention to Kim Jo-Pil.

It was like Se Kyung’s eyes had been surgically transferred into another body.

“I’m Yoo Hye In, and I heard you’ve been searching for me.”

Exasperated and in disbelief, Juyeon runs his hands through his hair, turning to make sure the door of the room was shut.

“Why are you even telling me this? How do I know I can trust you to tell me the truth?”

“Yes, because I have all the damn time in the world to be cooking up this story!” He gets up and pulls up his shirt, revealing a stitched scar right over where his heart was. “I trust you because you have no reason to backstab her.”

He releases his shirt.

“Other than Younghoon, I don’t know if anybody else in this system can offer her any kind of security.”

“How do you know I’m not gonna run off after getting half of HERA & ARTEMIS?”

“Because if you wanted to, you wouldn’t have been such a jerk to her over your wedding.”

Juyeon presses his fingers over his closed lids. His vision is blurred when he opens them.

“Why don’t you just tell Jang Won about this? She can protect you. She can sieve out this... Yoo Hye In, give her what she wants-”

“Jang Won will never give Hye In what she wants.”

Juyeon can feel the edges of his lips curl downwards and his lids getting heavier from mental exhaustion. “...Hye In wants HERA & ARTEMIS?”

Kim Jo-Pil’s eyes can’t seem to leave the floor. He can’t help the dreaded feeling of failure drowning his conscience as a father, as someone who was rightfully supposed to protect her.

“So, what’s your plan? Hye In wants HERA & ARTEMIS, and you know for a fact that Jang Won won’t give that up... like, ever. What happens if Hye In doesn’t get HERA & ARTEMIS?”

“Hye In will go to the press. Her existence being Yoo Se Kyung’s first-born out of wedlock will destroy everything this family has built. Hera’s Manor, HERA & ARTEMIS, Artemis...” He shakes his head. “Either gone or hers. She’s playing saint by not doing that directly.”

“But what does Yoo Se Kyung’s mistake have anything to do with Jang Won?” Juyeon seethes, inhaling such a deep breath that his chest hurt. “This is unfair. She should not have to go through this-”

“And you think I don’t know that?” Kim Jo-Pil’s lower lip trembles, a hardening gaze plastered to Juyeon.

Heaviness blankets the room. Juyeon’s frown feels cemented into his forehead as he sits at the edge of the crowded bed, fingers on his temple.

“Juyeon.”

The younger side-eyes the elder, cautious.

“Once you’ve acquired Apple-Korea, I want you to buy all of HERA & ARTEMIS, then acquire Artemis Entertainment as well.”

“You know Jang Won won’t allow that.”

“Try. You’ll have the power to and she can’t exactly stop you,” He huffs, chest rising. “She doesn’t need to know yet. I will tell her the truth when it blows over.”

“’Blows over’? How is this going to ‘blow over’? You just said Hye In won’t give in until she gets HERA & ARTEMIS.”

“But she can’t fight for ownership if it’s the owner is not of Yoo’s descent. Which means once you acquire all of HERA & ARTEMIS-”

“Then she’s no longer a threat.”

Kim Jo-Pil nods. “But you will need Jang Won’s trust to acquire all of HERA & ARTEMIS, and she cannot know about Hye In before that happens. Once the order is out of place, Jang Won will stop at nothing to fight for HERA & ARTEMIS, not knowing that she’ll be fighting a lost war.”

“Jang Won doesn’t even trust Younghoon. How do you expect her to trust me?”

“Look at where you’re standing,” Her father turns, but doesn’t look at Juyeon directly. The sun kisses a single side of his face as his eyes scan the room. “You’re standing in Hera’s Manor, and you’re her first overnight guest in five years. I’d say you have a pretty good chance at earning the rest of her trust.”

Juyeon winces slightly, shutting his lids to process the information. There’s a grave sense of responsibility perched on his shoulders now, and the dread that lingers in the back of his skull when he thinks of Yoo Hye In strutting around in public makes him uneasy.

Juyeon finds himself mindlessly heading for the dining hall, where Mr Ro was finishing up the preparation of the wide array of food on the side table. The butler bows, but it goes unnoticed. He pulls the chair back for Juyeon to sit, and eventually calls him a cup of coffee when he notices Juyeon’s lack of attention.

“Mr Ro.”

“Hmm?” The chocolate-brown shade of coffee glitters under the light from outside.

“How long do you think it’ll take Jang Won to trust me?”

Mr Ro pulls away, handing the pot of coffee to another staff. “Well, Mr Lee... that depends on what circumstance we’re envisioning.”

“Her life. Maybe something she loves, something she can’t live without.”

“So, a prized possession.”

“Mm.”

Mr Ro pauses for a thought.

“Long, but play your cards right, and she will eventually trust you.”

Juyeon offers a strained curve of his lips when Mr Ro bows and returns to the kitchen, leaving him with a bunch of pastries that should be sold in some five-star hotel instead.

Jang Won strolls into the dining hall dawned in a gorgeous full-fitted set, make-up and hair done like she was going for her own press conference. Juyeon remains quiet at the table, only looking up once when she first enters, then he returns to spreading Nutella on his croissant.

“Jesus, do we not have anything from Younghoon or my father to let him wear besides those pajamas?”

“You lent me these pajamas, don’t make it sound like it was my bad choice to make. Besides, they are comfortable and cute,” Juyeon looks down at himself.

Jang Won gruffly scoffs. “Of course it’s comfortable. It’s made from Supima cotton. What do you think we are, savages?”

“Mrs Lee, I-”

“Call me that again and I will fire you,” She abruptly instructs, glaring at her butler.

“Ms Kim,” He corrects himself. “We have already called Younghoon’s fitters to bring by some wardrobe for Mr Lee before he joins you for the itinerary meeting.”

“Itinerary meeting?” She whips her head from Mr Ro to Juyeon, who was busy licking the Nutella off the knife he was using. “Don’t you have to be in the office or something?”

“And do what? Put myself in a situation where my parents can come to kidnap me home? No thanks.”

Jang Won leans back in her seat as the staff places a cup of tea in front of her, surprised at Juyeon’s enthusiasm with something that he didn’t need to worry about.

“Well, I have a doctor’s appointment after, so, you can come back home after unless you want to hang around old, dying people.”

“What?” Juyeon sneers. “What for? You look perfectly fine to me.”

“That’s because I have been going for these medical checkups, dumbass. I’m not gonna stand around and then what if I magically die of a heart attack- then what? Give you all of HERA & ARTEMIS and Artemis Entertainment? Pshht!”

Juyeon purses his lips - a terrible attempt at hiding his smile.

Young Jin Seol [12.13pm]: Your father just dropped by this morning. He knows you’re at Hera’s Manor.

Young Jin Seol [12.14pm]: He’s requesting for a meal, for him and Mrs Lee as well as you and Kim Jang Won after you return from your honeymoon.

He quietly locks the device, attention drifting from the messages to Jang Won, who was busy strolling about the office. The ride here had been quiet, for Juyeon had chosen to drive and Jang Won sent two guards to Kim Sunwoo’s residence to get her Mercedes back.

Heavy and thoughtful, Juyeon thought. The atmosphere in the car was strange, and he can’t help but to wonder of Jang Won was even aware she had a nightmare (or a trauma relapse, or whatever you called one of those) earlier in the morning. Maybe it was the accustomed sight of Jang Won being as cold and rigid as a statue that makes it harder to bear. Juyeon fails, when he tries to restrain the ache that devours his chest, unable to remove the image of her crying and holding on to that mini canvas like it were her life.

The door of the office clicks open and it steals both his and her attention, the tour agency officer bowing to the two tycoons with files in her arms. Juyeon stands, patting down his pants.

“Mr Lee!” She holds out a hand. “Pleasure to meet you. Mrs Lee didn’t make your attendance known.”

Juyeon smiles politely at her, shaking her hand whilst admiring the distasteful grimace on Jang Won’s face at the address.

“Please, just call me Juyeon, and my wife, Jang Won. We’re still not used to the new... salutations.”

The officer offers a low chuckle, turning to Jang Won and raising a cheeky brow. Juyeon’s left brow twitches when Jang Won’s grimace remains cemented into her lips, and yet the officer was still grinning like an idiot.

“Do you two know each other?”

“Call me ‘Mrs Lee’ one more time, and I will murder you,” Jang Won seethes, opening her arms and pulling her into a tight hug. An exhale gets punched out of Juyeon, feeling somewhat at ease with the change in atmosphere.

“I knew that would totally get you on edge,” The officer laughs, patting Jang Won on her back between her shoulder blades. Pulling away, she turns to Juyeon and bows, this time more candidly. “I’m Ki Hae Ri, your tour officer for your honeymoon next week.”

Watching Jang Won talk to Hae Ri was almost like watching her get possessed by a 13-year-old teenager. More than amused, Juyeon wasn’t even paying attention to the actual content Hae Ri was talking about regarding the itinerary - all he could see was the bright smile on Jang Won’s face.

And for once, since the day he first met her, this smile was genuine. Her eyes are folded into crescents when she laughs and chortles and berates Hae Ri for every little detail she puts in the conversation to tease Jang Won.

“And for you, Mr Lee,” Hae Ri’s voice snaps him out of his mindless admiration. “Jang Won here has told me that you like diving and so I must tell you that she suggested of doing Belize.”

The folder slides across the table, and Jang Won shoots Hae Ri a look of betrayal. Automatically darting his attention to Jang Won, Juyeon’s fingers trail the edges of the folder, a picture of the Belize Blue Hole printed on the cover page.

Clearing her throat, Jang Won looks afar, refusing to even face him. “So it’s an 8-hour drive, or a 1.5 hour flight from Guatemala to Belize. It was a suggestion in one of the itinerary sets anyway.”

Juyeon looks up from the 3-day Belize stay itinerary, noticing Hae Ri’s prideful, cheeky grin stretched up her lips.

Back in the car, Juyeon’s hands are on the steering wheel, engine already churning and the air-conditioner blasting the coolness into their faces. Jang Won waits for some moments, before realising the amount of movement in the car - or rather, the lack thereof.

“Hello? Doctor’s appointment?” The edge in her voice is back and Juyeon can’t help but wonder just how she does it - being so cold and caring at the same time. “If you’re not interested, then you can just get the fuck out and I’ll call Mr Ro to come pick you up.”

Juyeon pauses for a moment, collecting the vocabulary in his head.

“My parents want to meet us for a meal after we return from our honeymoon.”

The whir of the air-conditioner suddenly sounds a little louder.

“What for?” Jang Won snorts. “Is your mom planning on baking cupcakes and apologising for making this the worst decision of your life, even though it wasn’t even yours to make?”

“I don’t know, but we’ll have to go. They are still my parents.”

“What?” She criticises, her upper lip hooked upwards. “You ran away! From home! And now you want to just... bring a basket of fruits to a picnic with them just ‘cause they’re your parents? Ha!”

“Look, I don’t like it either, but if we don’t do this then they’ll just be bugging me forever and if that happens then I can’t do what you want me to do with HERA & ARTEMIS peacefully. If anything, they might just fuck shit up if they don’t have this meal with us.”

“‘Fuck shit up’? I’ll fuck them up-”

“We’ll go, and that’ll be the end of it, okay? Trust me, you don’t want them dipping their noses into our shit once we start with all the ownership administration.”

“’Dipping their noses’? Just who the Hell do your parents think they are? They don’t even own any of the companies related to the-”

“I know, God damn it,” Juyeon finally rebuts, patience running thin. “But they have power. According to The Board’s conglomerate, my family is on the same tier as yours.”

Jang Won huffs, crossing her arms over her chest and looking out the window.

“Just... just this once, and they’ll go easy. It’s not worth picking a fight with them, I promise you. Okay?”

Jang Won struggles to remove the frown off her forehead. She knows it’s not his fault. She knows his parents are shitty people.

And yet, for some reason, she’s jealous that Juyeon even has parents to feel obligated towards.

Destiny, prophecy, fate. You name it. Just what is it that makes things so complicated in life? Circumstances can be created, changed, altered. Jang Won can question God about how she ended up right in this very spot every day, but she won’t get an answer, ever. Juyeon can wonder why she had to be the one responsible for her mother’s mistake, and he’ll never know why either.

Juyeon trails carefully behind Jang Won, slightly surprised that she wasn’t visiting the area’s best hospital for her medical checkups. Not that this was one was bad, but it was... affordable. Taking in the sights and sounds as he enters the main hall, Jang Won advances towards the registration counter and pulls off her sunglasses.

“Here,” She slides a clipboard to the side. “Fill this visitor registration form up.”

Juyeon picks up the pen, watching her pull out her wallet and hand it over to the administration staff.

“Hi, I have an appointment with Ms Yoo Hye In.”

Juyeon’s eyes dart upwards from the visitor registration sheet, pupils flitting between the administrator and Jang Won, who was calmly signing into some check in registry. He can feel his breath grow shaky and unstable and all of a sudden, Jang Won’s looking at him like he was the crazy person in the room.

“What? Are you okay?”

He parts his lips to deny the question, wishing to brush it off and simultaneously, maybe convince himself that it was just someone with the same name.

“Jang Won! I was wondering if you were going MIA today again.”

Ironically, his heart stops. Jang Won puts on her service smile and provides her doctor a subtle wave as the two close the distance between them.

“Of course not. Gotta make my check-up down-payment worth it. I can’t run around the city working my work if I’m unwell, can I?”

“Well, I see you brought the future director of Apple-Korea with you,” Yoo Hye In turns to Juyeon, eyes bright and her smile convincingly kind. Her hair was short, well trimmed, and Juyeon was almost in shock that he could see the similarities between her and Jang Won.

The tycoon whips her head upon the silence, almost shifting to nudge him. “Juyeon.”

“No, no, it’s okay! No need to rush him,” Yoo Hye In grins widely, offering a hand to him. “I’m Jang Won’s personal doctor, Yoo Hye In. You can call me Hye In.”

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