#'if i was neurodivergent i would know/someone wouldve noticed by now'

[lord-squiggletits]

I've been really focused on researching bipolar disorder for fic writing purposes lately.

Thing is, the last time I had this much focus, interest/fascination, and emotional connection to a mental condition that I was only researching "for story purposes," it was autism. Then years later I ended up identifying as autistic based on input from friends and getting a formal diagnosis of ADHD (closely related to/comorbid with autism)

So... lowkey starting to wonder if this fascination with researching bipolar is gonna turn out the same way considering what happened last time shdhskdjshd

[plaguethewaters]

(under cut bc long useless rant ig)

i am so tired and it makes no damn fucking sense. oh boohoo poor baby had to actually go to school and study today, what a sad little thing its suffering soso much. i am pathetic.

i feel like i am actively regressing and i fear what kind of conditions ill live in the future. if this is what hg does to me, what of university? what kf work? i have been going on purely by luck and whatever little effort i put in, which i apparently cant fucking do anymore. the luck will run out soon too im sure.

i read one (1) page today, didnt nanage anything else but to get depressed ans do fucking shit at drivers ed. I know logically this shit is all fucking useless that in ten, five shit even in like six fucking months none of this will matter anymore. every single problem i have rifht now is so goddamn inconsequential and its ruining my life. I cant even fucking. idk. ask for help for it.

"i cant do homework today bc im glued to my phone reading things that make me even sadder and make me want to study less. btw these things are sososo useless and woll literally not affect my life at all a month into the future. i know exactlt what is wrong with ne and yet i continue again and again bc im a fucked up person destined to destroy my life." like who would even listen to this. my friends have got real fucking problema and i Cannot bother them with this.

i tried reddit once bc i figured the fucking redditors could judge me all that much, that id get simpathy at least, and even the shitty people of that site told me i should grow up and get the fuck over it. Idk. Idk. sometimes i wish my luck ran out fr so someone will finally get me help but also if i fail this year i dont know what i will do.

kinda wish someone wouldve noticed earlier, that i could be on some pill or other to fix this shit of a brain. Kinda wish id been born normaler - bc im not neurodivergent but also cant fucking seem to cope with things the way everyone else is

whatever. this is teenage angst anyway, someone in the future (or like. rn idk) will look at it and laugh. as they should bc this is just a pathetic laughable pity party im throwing out here - not even for attention. km tired.

[strangetownsayit]

ok so um.......... .. . . ..

 i had a really bad time, went crazy and deleted all my maurice fics. Yes I have them in my notes and if someone wants them, I can send them to them, but still. i no longer feel confident about You Don’t Own Me and To a Happier Year.

but i feel bad and guilty bc then i remembered someone who left a very nice comment in my fic. maybe ill rewrite everything and publish it again, but not today and certainly not tomorrow. so ill explain my outline for the two fanfics cus i already had a ending in mind

before anything-- do i plan to write more maurice fanfic? the answer is yes. i hyperfixate very hard on maurice so ill never stop, but ill try not to make it public till i trust my bilingual capacities

 so, You Don’t Own Me

Percival Darsey is a young man who spend time in Penderleigh’s after having an encounter with Anne in the village next to Penge. He becomes Clive’s pupil bc of Anne’s desire, and so Percival bounces between them (wanting clive’s attention, then wanting anne’s)

Clive doesn’t really care about Percy’s attraction to Anne, bc he was sure it was silly love-at-first sight stuff. It was supposed to be explained later that Percy was really naive when it came to love. I actually had some dialogue written in my phone’s notes app to show how percy views were when it came to love and how easy it was for him to fall in love:

“I can’t do nothing but leave it to take me, Mr. Durham”, said Percy gently, with his back resting against the black slate of the roof; the light rays of sun --whose bright, blinding face was hiding behind clouds-- were worth coming the next day. “When someone smiles back at me, when someone touches my shoulder to get me out of the way, when they wish me a good day; I fall in love too easily, with many people. Approximately five times a day.”

“Many people?”, Clive laughed. “You mean, many women.”

Percival contemplated the sky a while.

“No,” he finally said, “many people.”

 Percival was supposed to be Clive’s opposite: excited about loving and be loved in return, excited to be discovered and being so happy with himself, he can barely hide it.

But when Percival got infatuated with a man, an acquaintance of Clive, Clive started to snap, to wander, to ask questions he could’ve never asked before. But Percival had nothing to hide anyways, and this would make Clive distant

Resume: with time Percival would’ve become closer and closer to anne’s circle, and thus he would’ve grown tired and exhausted. Bc Percival is autistic, and he has very little spoons (a metaphor about being autistic), meeting new people every day, being dragged to social compromises and being treated as some sort of servant that these rich ppl needed for entertainment, he would’ve suffered a meltdown and avoid Pendersleigh for a while

But bc Percy is not dumb, he would’ve returned bc he needs to eat, and bc of his neurodivergence he couldn’t keep jobs that were mostly aimed to neurotypicals. So when he came back, he decided to stay in Clive’s side. He found comfort in his cases cus all he needed to do was ignore Clive and sleep and little lol. And so this was supposed to be the first step to develop their relationship: Clive being interested in percy now that he has discover Percy likes men as well, Percival feeling drawn to Clive. They get to know each other and eventually, they fall in love.

But ofc everytime Clive perceives a hint of flirt, he panics and back off, bc hes an I—HSHFS- NOO- WAIT—LMAO DLFAOF—IM SO SHY--- gay, and Percy is a ;)) bisexual, so they keep flirting a good part of my outline.

But then BOOm I planned Mrs Hall to visit clive. And so clive wouldve remembered everything with Maurice, feel bad, and reject percival once for all. Percival cries a lot and anne thinks he is sick bc he has an uncontrollable sobbing, but then he escapes again

Clive has some awful months and Anne notices. She knows, but at the same time, she doesn’t: she knows Percy and Clive had a cute dynamic and relationship, she knows they loved each other, but she cant notice the homoerotism they had, and so she goes on looking for percival

I shpuld add that even tho I didn’t outlined this, there was a subplot exploring Anne’s bisexuality. I was working on how to do it when I deleted the fanfic

She finds Percival and discovers that he lied this whole time: his real name is Daniel Darcy, son of Mrs. Darcy, a middle-class woman who fell in disgrace after her husband escaped with his lover. It is revealed that Percival has many brothers and is the youngest of all, being 22. It is also revealed that he have been running away from home and coming back since he was twelve. His mother openly talks shit about Percy and it is hinted that Percy is a  Bastard, a product of a love affair.

There was a silly joke I had in my notes app:

“Many years ago, Mr. Darcy ran away from us, in the gay nineties”, he spat, struggling with laughing and bitterness. “Gay, my mother hates the word, just like she hates me and everything that is stunning.”

Then Anne wouldve told Percival about Clive but he wouldve stop her and ask her to go. But he wouldve return to penge a few weeks later cus he a dumbass who doesn’t value himself. Then he and clive wouldve kissed in the rain while he sees percy in the darkness of the night at penge’s garden, but then percy wouldve been like “lol bye” bc he just wanted to let clive know that he loved him too and that he would be back in the morning.

Fluffy ffluffy fluffy flufly

Then BOOM Maurice makes an appearance, telling clive everything about what happened with kitty, then asking for money lmao so he and alec can look for another place, and he tells clive that didn’t anywhere else to go. At fisrt Clive says no but then percy manages to persuade him into helping Maurice, who is surprised to see Clive with a man. Clive and Maurice have a nice chat, clive apologizes and cries and then the next day Clives calls Risley and cries too and say something like sorry I wasn’t there for you yoy didn’t deserved to go through that and it was so unfair, and then he -in  a very subtle way- apologizes to anne. And thus Clive is clean of guilt

But then Clive and Percival have a fight bc he wants to participate in Clive’s life but Clive refuses. Angsty angsty angsty. Percival reveals he was promised by his mother his part of the heritage if he married and became a proper gentleman. He tells clive he will accept his mother offer if clive keeps being ashamed of him

Clive wants to be with percival but he sees himself in another drama, so he does what is easier: letting Percival go.

But percival didn’t expected that shit to happen ?? as extra as he is, he thought clive wouldve comfort him and kiss him. .. .. . . .

Bc he doenst know anywhere else to go, and doesn’t want to get married and hates his mom and he would hate it if he became clive, he goes with Maurice and Alec CUS HE WANTS THEM TO BE HIS DADS ¿’¿’’93 me too bitch get in the line

So advices advices advices. Percival has a clearer mind and he runs his way up to penge

So kisses kisses kisses, he and Clive are in love nd stuff. JUMP TIME, Maurice and alec live in France and they are Percy’s and Clive’s neighbors. Anne is looking for adventures and kisses many women and many men. Everyone is happy YAY I can cope

TO A HAPPIER YEAR

Ok I am a little tired I want to sleep jdswiow io

So Clive’s durham first love. Fluffly fluffly fflufy

It cover events during the movie (clive being tired of bullshit after Christmas vacs).

Bc clive is an asshole, he ignores Quinn (his first love and stuff]) and quinn wants to know why he is being pushed aside and why is clive so distant. But then he discovers it and wish clive luck

JUMP TIME they are both in their 36 and clive is miserable during a trip in Italy. They both meet during said trip, reconnect romantically,  and HAPPY YEAR YES EVERYTHING IS HAPPIER THE YEARS HAPPY ENDING WHATEVer. I swear it is cuter Im just very sleepy now lol

[bpdconcept]

Hi! I'm a nt singlet trying to learn about neurodivergence (and systems) so I can be a better ally. If you don't mind me asking, what do you think I should know about bpd (and anything else you have, because a lot of people seem to have multiple diagnoses)? Like the basics of what it is, how I can be an ally, and how I can be a good friend if I meet a borderline irl? I hope this wasn't invasive or rude, also feel free to correct my terminology because I'm really new to all this ❤

do my eyes deceive me??? a nice neurotypical in my ask box??? of course i will help u....(besides im bored and have nothing better to do)

firstly, being in a system is neurodivergent. you sort of separated the two, idk if u meant to do that.

i think u what should know is that borderlines are people too. people love to condemn us and say we’re manipulative, abusive. in reality, a lot of borderlines have high empathy for others (to the point where it hurts us if we see someone else in pain). we’re not bad people by default.

even doctors and psychiatrists call us abusive and manipulative. the belief actually comes from them. back when bpd was first coined as a disorder, it was seen as “the borderline between psychosis and non-psychosis” hence the name borderline. doctors back then couldn’t understand why borderlines kept ending up back at hospitals treatment after treatment, how we were so driven by emotion, why regular therapy would not work. they concluded that borderlines were manipulative, sought attention, and were on the borderline of psychosis and non-psychosis, deeming us “hard to deal with.”

ive heard so many stories about borderlines being treated extremely negatively back then, to the point where doctors and psychiatrists would give up on their cases, tell them they were unfixable and manipulative. if they wanted help, they wouldve worked for it by now.

thing is, borderlines don’t respond to cbt/talk therapy. psychiatrists failed to see that we weren’t failing on purpose. their treatment was not up to par. from the cbt i’ve worked with, ive noticed that cbt assumes one has a stable identity and is always aware of themselves. borderlines are not.

dbt was created by marsha linehan. dialectical behavior therapy was made specifically for borderlines. it combines elements of cbt, behavioral science, and zen buddhism. and serious...this stuff is amazing. it works. dbt is split up into four modules: mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness, distress tolerance, and emotional regulation.

mindfulness is the teaching of always constantly checking if youre in the present. it is by far the hardest module to master, but it’s extremely rewarding once you understand it.

interpersonal effectiveness is on interpersonal relationships. y’know, because abandonment.

distress tolerance teaches you what to do in a crisis. and it isn’t cbt crap docs hand you and expect you to master in a day. whereas cbt tells you “just breathe, count to ten” when you’re distressed, distress tolerance teaches you three steps: distract, relax, and cope. distract yourself from the situation, relax using your five senses, and cope with the situation by weighing the pros and cons. i use this nearly everyday.

emotional regulation teaches you to do the opposite of what your negative emotions tell you. it teaches you that you are more than your emotions. while you may not be able to control them, you can certainly stop the snowball effect of emotions that trigger thoughts, which then trigger more complex emotions, and more complex thoughts, and so forth.

being a good borderline ally is simple: dont spread needless hate about our disorder, don’t infiltrate our spaces, and advocate for fair treatment.

if you meet a borderline in real life and you are even just a smidgen nice to them, congratulations: that borderline is your new friend. also in retrospect, don’t be mean to them. they will hate you very much.

if you ever become the fp of a borderline, always try to be there for them when they need you. encourage them to talk to you about their emotions. some borderlines are quiet and won’t talk about their negative emotions, even if it hurts.

also, they are constantly afraid of you abandoning them, it is a constant fear. reassure them as often as you can that you do not have plans to. also, don’t ever tell them they’re a handful, or “a lot,” even in a joking manner. they most likely have heard so many borderlines like them being called “abusive” and will wonder if “they are too,” because of their emotions.

well, that’s what i have to say. i might do another thing like this on systems. maybe. depends.