#'if i had the throne i would never have let it get this bad jfc'

[backjustforberena]

EVE BEST as  RHAENYS TARGARYEN  in 1.05 “We Light The Way”

[adecila]

Game of Thrones – 8x04 “The Last of the Starks” episode analysis – or who the fuck ever let D&D write stuff

You know I am pretty much like this dude here –

so I will be the woman to lead this ship or so help me all the old gods and the new.

Spoilers, d’uhh.

Aftermath - but everyone has their wardrobe on fleek, hair looking fab and they even had time to clean the entire field of Winterfell

The episode starts with the funeral pyre and how DARE you make me love Jorah even more and twist the knife in my heart. And did you have to show me Theon, Beric, Edd’s and Lyanna’s bodies??? 

RUDE.

Jon is doing a big speech and it is nice and drove the sobbing further, but I get it this is Jon’s turf so he has to be the one making the big speech. That is such a Dany thing though, and I can’t help to think, when put into perspective with the rest of the episode, that it’s yet again a thing Dany has lost. But more on that later. 

The pyres are lit, sad music, more sobbing from me. OOOPS BUT DID YOU CATCH THAT JONERYS EXCHANGE OF LOOKS? Because I did! I can’t help but think how he looks at her for reassurance and she feels it and she turns and she is just.so.broken. And then she cries and I cry again. 

A feast for crows the survivors 

And then we get a feast and suddenly everyone is happy and stuff… ok, I guess life goes on. Maybe Sandor’s crass remark, under the guise of a funny moment, was meant to make us think on it. But maybe that’s too deep for D&D who the fuck knows. 

Let’s talk about Gendry’s legitimisation. 

Dany does it quite publicly, and small exchange between her and Tyrion makes sense. Honestly, if she hadn’t done it herself then and there, it would have come up at a later point, but with 2 episodes left there’s no time. S.ansa does her shady looks because she throws shade and Bran just stares into the void smh. 

In which I am the Hound unimpressed and eating his chicken. 

Davos x Tyrion

The Lord of Light fucked off into the sunset when he saw D&D’s piss poor writing and honestly same. He probably fucked off when he saw Melisandre was still getting his prophecies wrong. 

Every time S.ansa comes into frame my soul leaves my body a bit more because whY THO. 

Tyrion x Bran the 3ER

Cool beans Bran, that’s how you use you abilities? OMG JOJEN FUCKING DIED FOR YOU–

“I mostly live in the past now” - to me this means Bran has become this empty shell of a man and he just visits the past and checks out cool shit. It’s like a kid who gets access to YouTube for the first time. Heck he can even see his dad or whoever else he misses if he feels anything at all now. Because if he doesn’t even have “wants” then? What was the point of it all? God I swear the writers will not rest until they will have reduced all characters to tropes and empty shells of their former selves.

Tormund and the gang around Jon; Tyrion with Jaime ; Dany alone

This scene right here was the beginning of the end. Remember when Tormund was a dude who was in awe by strong women? D&D don’t. He suddenly is so far up Jon’s ass nothing could take him out. Guess it pays off for him in the end since Jon just gifts him Ghost.

S.ansa just fucking stop OMG PLEASE STOP WITH THE FUCKING LOOKS JFC.

But where was Missandei??? Why was Dany alone? And what the fuck was that look, VArYs?? Someone give Dany a hug because my god the isolation is real. Fuck. STOP. TAKING. EVERYTHING. FROM HER.

Never have I ever… thought the writers would stoop so low but here we are

So it’s all fun and games until it isn’t. 

Poor Tormund. Jaime never deserved Brienne and that’s a fact. 

And the mystery of Willa, the sassy Northern girl has been solved! Bless!!!

SanSan, but with more misogynistic undertones than you ever thought

Yeah you know what, I am not touching this scene. Fuck D&D for daring to say that.

Gendrya - or the moment Gendry decided to pull a Ted Mosby 

I feel so bad OMG they did this ship so dirty. However. Arya saying that was expected. But I call bullshit on her never rethinking her decision. Girl’s got a list and she just can’t NOT try to finish it, I mean, wouldn’t you? After you killed such a big boss as the NK? 

At the same time, they would be trying for faux feminism, pulling a Arya doesn’t need a man to be happy. Guess the sex was just to try it? Wow can you believe they cheapened this ship and that beautiful moment like that? 

I’m so sorry babies, you deserved much better. Guess Gendry was always meant to have his heart broken by a Stark girl once he became a Baratheon. Wow. 

Weirdly enough!!! And spoiler maybe?? Leak? Idk. But I feel like Gendrya will prevail (also because she looks heartbroken to reject him like that…). When asked if Gendrya will rule the 7K, Friki said no, these two aren’t made for ruling anything. For what’s worth, Friki mentioned he does know Arya’s endgame and shebis confirmed alive in the Dragon Pit in 8x06 :)

Oathsex

Uff yeah I did not like that. It felt wrong in the context and it felt cheap and I…. yeah IDK. And then Jaime leaves. He could have at least told Brienne that he is he only one who can kill Cersei or IDK, but not leave her like that. Jeesh dude my poor Knight, she is gutted by him. 

Jonerys makeout and chat and hey who wanted angst? Turn on your location I just wanna chat. 

Sooo flip side: I somehow, for the second time, predicted a thing in my fic. HOWEVER D&D keep only getting half my fics because GURL DID YOU NOT GET THE SMUT MEMO? AND THE FLUFF MEMO?

So Dany goes to find Jon, again, who is tipsy, and Jon suddenly remembers to give Dany some comfort for having lost Jorah… 

The set up for Dany saying ILY it’s a bit .. ehh. But her actual words: “He loved me, but I couldn’t love him back, not the way he wanted it. Not the way I love you. Is that alright?” 

A+ scene. I love how he can’t help himself and as soon as she is in his arms’ range he just pulls her into him, BEFORE she asks “Is that alright?”. 

Uff emo side note here, this scene and this phrase reminded me of this song. Listen and sob. you’re welcome.

On that depressive note, wow that make out tho. Two things I learned from this scene: 1 - Jon is horny drunk, which same; and 2 - Jon is a tiddies guy like he dove in and went for the tiddies, which also same. Am I Jon? Is this why I keep guessing his fucking reactions but D&D won’t give me the rest????? We’ll never know.

And… then Jon stops and pulls back. And I KNOW that in the BTS we are told he is disgusted or whatever along those lines, but to me?? That look means he is CONFLICTED. And listen, if y’all wanted it to make it to mean "disgusted" then you should have made Kit do it differently since YOU KNOW HE WAS FAKE GAGGING TO EMILIA EVERY OTHER MINUTE. YOU CAN’T KEEP ADDING SHIT LATER YOU FUCKING DUMBASSES YOU EITHER PUT IT IN THE ACTUAL  SHOW AND THE ACTUAL ACTING OR STFU.

But I guess to me that rejection was more for the general audience than for us. C’mon he clearly loves her, his dick was so hard he was about to nut then and there. Stop bringing your 21st century considerations into a feudalistic fantasy where you have Royals and dragons. Also FUCK YOU VARYS BECAUSE EVEN IN THE NORTH AUNT AND NEPHEW MARRIED SO FUCK YOU BALDIE.

I digress. Then Dany echoes what Jon himself thinks/said - wishing she would have never known. And then we get something that I felt when she was alone and sad at the feast. “I saw the way they looked at you. I know that look; the same way people looked at me, but never on this side of the sea” - yeah so I need a break.

This here - cemented for me what I think the show is doing: stripping everything away from Dany: her armies, her children, her people and the love her people have for her… then Jon. And I don’t mean that as in the sense of some bullshit fleak. No, I mean it in the context of this episode. Because Jon never says I love you back (and maybe @normalisjustafairytale is right and Jon is afraid to say it after Ygritte), and he rejects her, and he says he can’t NOT tell his sisters, even if Dany begs him not to. So in a sense, for now at least, Jon is being taken away from her. So you have all this isolation and losing and losing and then what does she have left? The only constant in her life? The fucking Iron Throne. Because at the moment there is nothing else for her and she probably feels like she will be nothing without it. Hence why she presses to go and take Cersei down. I won’t lie to you, it is cheap writing and very lame and honestly I have read fics a million times better than this bullshit, but they will, at one point, hit us with the boatie reveal, and when that happens, and when Jon fucking finally pulls through and stands by her side, she will have something else, a different constant in life. Moreover, because she realises that the people here in Westeros will never love her, she will have even more of a reason to bow out, say a big fuck you, take her boatie and her hubs and get to her house with the red door. 

This is not just wishful thinking, it is very much D&D, and they will of course “humble the powerful woman” (I puked in my mouth by writing that). But also, my consolation is that with this episode, heck even the people who weren’t necessarily her fans, are on her side and asking her to burn KL down. Which I don’t think she would, but more on that in a different post. God this post is already long.

*bathroom break*

BAck. Then Dany echoes what I also said in my fic ugh I hate myself what we all know and are thinking: it doesn’t matter if Jon doesn’t want it; it matter that there are people out there (fucking S.ansa jfc this fucking UGGHDGugduzdahidfg) who don’t like Dany and will support Jon immediately over her. She is right and he is stupid for not seeing it. 

I guess I also got my bending the knee from my fic. Kinda. FUCK.ME.

I cannot believe that my Queen had to BEG him and Jon had to be so naive. BOY DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE LESSON FROM YOUR FATHER? Two can keep a secret is one of them is dead, Jonno. Did you not watch Pretty Little Liars??? Why the fuck do you think Ned Stark didn’t tell his wife?? LMAO she would have sold him just like S.asnsa blabbed on you, guess the J___sas were right, it was a bit of a Ned x Cat parallel, probably Cat would have sold Ned also in a fucking instant. Dany is absolutely right. This shit cannot be contained because you don’t know how people would react to it. 

“She’s not the girl you grew up with” … BOOM.

I love how he cradles her face into his hands MY FUCKING HEART MY HEART.

Pause. The part where she begs remind me of this traumatic moment:

… fuuuuck. Anyway.

And I love how she turns the tables on him. But Jon… is still Jon for plot reasons I guess. Maybe he didn’t understand why Ned had to keep the secret for so many years. 

The end of the Northern plot - BYE NO ONE WILL MISS YOU

The Starks can choke. They are cancelled. 

Yeah no. Bye. Fuck S.ansa or Sandra, who the fuck this OOC shitty ass character is. Fuck every single one of them. Wow, emotional manipulation at its finest. I just love how they basically called this episode the last of the Starks because they just character assassinated all of them. Edit: LMAO you know what this is? The shitty family that pulls over one member and tries to break him up with his wife, for the sole reason they don't like her. Because fuck their brother's happiness. Because they are fucking selfish people.  

Jaime x Tyrion x my headache

Let’s add to the list of cancelled people Jaime and Tyrion just for that fucking chat.

“I will pay you double” ex machina, and that’s how the Bronn issue is solved. Just as Friki said, btw. 

Arya x The Hound

So I guess Arya just fucking lies through her teeth now smh, since she was guilt trippig JON JUST MOMENTS AGO and she just up and leaves BECAUSE FUCK FAMILY I GUESS 

Tyrion is suddenly afraid of Dany so I guess we are supposed to excuse Sandra’s petty shady jealous ass 

Sandra is fucking jealous and insane. Littlefinger will be proud. Her face though. This fucking bitch doesn’t like that he is a Targaryen LMFAO she is scheming so hard bahahahahah

She is fucking cancelled. They murdered her character the moment they took her out of the Vale. FIGHT ME ON THIS I FUCKING DARE YOU.

Jon x Tormund x Ghost - say your goodbyes

Hey hey hey so that line where Jon belongs in the North? The real North, which for Tormund is North of the Wall since he calls Winterfell the South? Guess where those waterfalls from 8x01 are?

Jon is the worst dog owner KILL ME.

Fucking Sam Tarly

Jon was like yeah no don’t name your kid after me. Interesting how he could tell from a hug that Gilly was pregnant. Hope Dany starts showing soon *wink wink boatie is still coming*

The IT or Southern plot

Tyrion x Varys

I cannot wait for Varys to die. Like, he is spewing inaccurate information and then, he is suddenly against Dany and suddenly only Jon is a war hero. Just because he has a dick. Fuck D&D and their sexist asses Also VArys keeps talking about the realm LMAO YOU KNOW WHAT I SEE? I see kings dying all around you, and the only constant it’s you. Who is the problem, I wonder? 

Euron ex machina

Makes no fucking sense. But I guess nobody cares anymore.

Yeah I screamed when Rhaegal died. And I screamed again with Dany.

I guess Dany couldn’t just fly behind Euron’s ship and roast them all for plot reasons. 

Dragonstone mess

Fuck you, Varys. And fuck you, Tyrion. Not you, Greyworm, ILY *hugs tightly*

BONUS: FUCK YOU JAIME FUUUUUCK YOU FOR LEAVING BRIENNE LIKE THAT. BYE BITCH GOOD RIDDANCE.

King’s Landing mess & the shitty ass parley that even Captain Sparrow could have organised better

Ew how much time has it passed since Cersei is already claiming to be preggers? 

“So much for the breaker of chains” - is again, a sign they are trying to strip Dany of everything she has and is. 

Tyrion and Qyburn - ew, but also Qyburn has a point, why would Cersei surrender? Oh and I think the point to save Rhaegal from the NK only for him to die at the hands of Euron is to further handicap Dany and make the Cersei threat real, and have a reason to keep Drogon away from KL - HAVE YOU ALL SEEN THE SCORPIONS EVERYWHERE?

Ugh Tyrion stop trying to get Cersei to love you LMFAO she doesn’t. But I know, it is hard to break from toxic relationships and abusers. Tyrion told Cersei “you are not a monster” and she literally went “HOLD MY BEER”.

Missandei’s death made me sick to my stomach and traumatised me for life. We should all collectively agree to NEVER give D&D our attention again and never let them write anything again. 

Missandei hatefully spewing DRACARYS as her last words was so strong it made me start crying because holy shit this was a peaceful person, and for her to show this much hate and rage was so gutting…  fuck me. I am crying again. I think she also meant, besides from the obvious, “there is no reasoning with these people, so why bother. Might as well blow it the fuck up.”

And Grey’s reaction wow - again, I was about to puke, despite the scene not being the most gorey on GoT, but it was so intrinsically and viscerally wrong my mind could not deal. 

In conclusion

Poor Dany, she has lost everything. EVERYTHING. She is literally at her lowest. After the discussion with Jon, she slipped back the Queen mask - like you can pinpoint the moment she does so! And she keeps it on in front of everyone else but her dragons.

I am expecting a very very cold (but very fragile inside) Dany in 8x05. I am expecting her to push Jon away. Oh and at the ending of 8x04 she totally just gets up on Drogon and goes back to Dragonstone. No way she does anything yet so soon.

I haven’t watched any of the BTS and Making of videos, nor have I watched the 8x05 promo. Will do soon.

Stay strong, jonerys is still going strong. I am here until the very end and I still think this will end with jonerys together. Will it be good writing? Nope. But it will end well. As I keep saying. We’re missing the “sweet” in this fucking “bittersweet” shit show. Stop saying it ends badly because of 8x03.

If you need me, you know where to find me. Image of me in the fandom. Except I charge nothing.

Oh and PS: FUCK D&D.

[thehellisthisshit-barvs]

GOT s8e5 quick reactions [SPOILERS]

SPOILER WARNING.

I had several predictions for this episode, but only two came true and they were quite obvious to everyone-- Varys’ death by dragon fire and Dany turning batshit insane and burning King’s Landing to the ground.

Everyone, including me, expected Varys to die this episode. I got a bit sad, but I’m at least happy with how he was executed. Tyrion was truthful to him, and Varys bade goodbye as an old friend. The whole sequence was shot beautifully, especially with Drogon appearing out from the darkness. I’m still unsure about the sincerity of his intentions (being a king/queenmaker “for the good of the realm”), but I’m ok with it left unanswered. Goodbye, Varys. I’ll rewatch the whole series soon so I’m looking forward to seeing you again.

I kinda wonder why he took out his rings, though. Is this like taking off your glasses and shoes when leaping from a building?

Tyrion letting Jaime free to save Cersei was frustrating to watch. I get he’s always loved his niece and nephews but goddamnit this is Cersei. I liked his farewell to Jaime, though, and I admit I teared up at that. 

After zombie Viserion’s attack on the Wall last season, I’ve been waiting to see Dany’s two other dragons showcase that same speed. This episode finally fucking delivered. I thought they’d never show it. It’s a bit weird that not one spear got Drogon, but I guess you can chalk it up to Drogon being so fast and the scorpions being so heavy to maneuver that despite their numbers, they can’t hit Drogon,

I was hoping for Yara to face off with Euron’s fleet. There’s just no other proper way for Euron to die or get defeated. I guess it’s budget restrictions that defeated Euron. Speaking of dead Euron, what the fuck was the point of him having a face-off with Jaime. That was lame and it felt fucking empty. Claims he killed Jaime Lannister but rubble killed him first. Also, what’s the glory in killing a handicapped person. They should’ve just let Euron get burned with his fleet as a captain should. Jaime’s injuries weren’t significant for anything anyway, because as i’ve mentioned, he died when the whole building collapsed,

I really like the build up of Cersei’s confidence in winning the fight vs Dany. Hell, I was kinda stressing last episode because how tf does Dany expect to win vs the Iron Fleet, all those scorpions, the Golden Company, with the people of King’s Landing being basically held hostage. And then everything went tits up in a matter of seconds LOL. This is why you just wave a damn flag at the sight of a damn dragon.

Side note, I like how it’s Dany this time who “opened the gate” for her army.

I have expected Dany to go a bit mad, because if I lost both my doggos and my best friend was killed, I’d burn that castle to the ground. I expected Dany to raze the Red Keep, civilians be damned. HOWEVER, I didn’t expect her to go full batshit INSANE and burn the WHOLE GODDAMN KING’S LANDING. That’s fucking too much girl you need the largest snickers bar or kitkat bar in the world. This move greatly shocked me, and it was so damn terrifying. Battle of the Bastards and Hardhome showed that war is insane and horrible, but this. This is giving me ptsd on the same level as joan of arc and all the other war movies I’ve seen gave me. It’s horrible enough that her army, including the fucking northmen, are killing and raping civilians. Now the “queen” herself is burning everyone and everything down. jfc.

There is no going back now. She will definitely die 1000%.

Side note I really like that both Jon and Arya are wearing the classic Stark leader hairstyle.

When Arya went with the Hound in the crumbling Red Keep, I was so afraid she’d die. But I’m glad Sandor gave her the “revenge will consume you” speech and Arya actually listened. I definitely don’t want Arya to die because of a falling rock fuck that.

Dead Qyburn ok

The Jaime-Cersei ending kinda left a bad taste in ma mouth. We went all through Jaime’s redemption arc only for him to be unable to let go of such a toxic person. I was hoping and praying he kills Cersei to stop her insanity but he just fucking went and attempted to save her and fucking hell. At least they died together as they always said they would. Pretty shitty that they got killed by rubble. Cersei didn’t get to pay for what she did to the damn Starks, among others.

That aside, I liked how we saw her fearful. I actually felt a bit sorry for her after she decides to escape wtih Qyburn. She’s a horrible damn person, but she’s not always that. Goodbye, great villain. Until the end you thought you were so smart. smh.

So. Cleganebowl. I wasn’t really into the CB hype, though for a moment I got worried that Sandor will get his head crushed and the Mountain will live. How tf do you kill the Mountain? Fire? Anyway, I’m not mad at how Sandor died. Could have been worse. I’m just glad he got to spend some time with Arya and he got a bit of a reunion with Sansa, even though the rape thing was a dick move. RIP Sandor.

The ending bit with Arya made me so tensed. I thought she was going to die suddenly, or she’s already dead and it’s just her ghost heading to that deus ex horse. Nothing bathed in that much light is “safe” in GOT. Buuuuut I guess this is one fan favorite that you can’t kill. At least, not yet. I’m relieved she didn’t die tho.

With Jon--  the other hero of GOT and Dany’s rival to the throne-- and Arya seeing all the carnage of Dany’s attack on a city that has rang its bells as a sign of giving up, there’s no way not one of them is going to execute Dany.

If Dany doesn’t die at the end of this series, it’s a great fucking TV sin. Thousands of innocents died. Eye for an eye, sure. Kill Cersei’s “dragon” (baby) and her best friend (sure, Jaime). But burning all those people who had nothing to do with your fight? Girl you’re crazy and you must be stopped.

It’s tragic, but it’s a pretty good end for a character in the world of Game of Thrones.

[queenklu]

So You Think You Can Dragon pt15: THE END

Part 1&2 | Part 14

I can’t believe we’ve made it. 

Int. Night Before the Battle:

Morrigan: What if I told you there’s a way to make sure the demon dies and it doesn’t kill you or Alistaire or Cannonfodder McDeadsoon (the third grey warden he doesn’t even go here)? 

Magnus: Heck yeah, sign me up! 

Morrigan: Fantastic, all you’ve gotta do is bang me.

Magnus: 

Morrigan: It’s genuinely no big deal, we’ll just conceive a child and then the demon when it’s looking for a host will jump into this infinitessimally small not even barely a cluster of cells 

Magnus: and then....you miscarry right and it’s dead that....way.......? 

Me: I can’t believe this game is sort of endorsing abortion but o--

Morrigan: Oh no the baby will be fine and grow up big and strong and definitely probably not evil? probably? 

Me: What in the FUCK is HAPPENING

Magnus: Okay but I feel like we’re glossing over the fact that I’m REAL GAY

Morrigan: does Zevran want you to DIE TOMORROW or bang one chick tonight? ;)

Magnus: I think we both know the answer to that but I still wish this game gave me the option to ASK

I let Morrigan know this is a garbage decision and I don’t want to do it, and she says the only other option is if she bangs ALISTAIRE. JFC. HEIR TO THE THRONE, DUMB AS A LABRADOR AND TWICE AS LOYAL, A L I S T A I R E

Magnus: Uhhh buddy? do you....wanttobangmorrigan?

Alistaire: da fuq

Magnus: you’rerightpretendineversaidanythingnevermindbye

Alistaire: Thank GOD you were joking HAHAHAHA

Me: oh my god what the FUCK do I do I AM NOT READY TO BE A FATHER

So. In the most cringe worthy bullshit thing I ever had to do in this whackado video game....for the good of THE WORLD.....I.........slept *gag* with Morrigan.

“that sure is the face of a guy who isn’t being coerced into sex” -- no one

I....just............Dragon Age why

Note: I did almost do all this bullshit for nothing bc some guy was all “Who do you want to bring with you on the last boss battle?” and i’m like “WYNNE” bc I figure we’ll need healing Real Bad and then Morrigan’s like “All that for nothing?? Well I’m gonna LEAVE THIS BATTLE RIGHT NOW” and i had to go back a save point -.-

Oh. You Know What Else I Found Out. In The Last Battle. 

I HAVE BEEN DELETING SKILLS TO FIT THE MOST IMPORTANT ONES THE WHOLE!!! TIME!!!!!!!!! I THOUGHT!!!! WE HAD FINITE!!!! SLOTS!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

“This is fine.” - Magnus

It only took me losing the first fight several times to realize there was a little box in the corner where I could call for help from the dwarves/men/elves who’d promised to help. Also with Morrigan’s lightning storm spell taking out all of the darkspawn grunts who walk into it and immediately die, so. Morrigan WAS good to have in the fight. 

AND ALSO the last battle had BASICALLY CANNONS and the dragon mostly held still and just got...shot. But not before chomping Grey Warden Cannonfodder McDeadsoon. 

I’m...honestly I’m just assuming the spirit thing worked and the demon jumped into Morrigan’s microscopic baby??? The graphics were real unclear. She also super bounced as soon as the fighting was done. 

And then...it was over. 

Alistaire offered me anything in his power, which was nice, but also not the bi-curious makeout session Magnus was hoping for. Wynne’s gonna stay behind and help him be king, which is GOOD, boy needs all the help he can get. Leliana’s off to fake!France, Sten is back to his homeland, asshole dwarf is going to drink himself to an early grave, and Zevran...

FLASHBACK TO THE BATTLE: 

Zevran: So...you’re not taking me with you? 

Magnus: I’ve got three slots, two of which have to be Morrigan and Alistaire, the other one has to be a tank, babe, and I think we can all agree that ain’t you

Zevran: True. Still, I would have fought with you...to the end. 

Magnus: Hey Zevran? I love you.

Zevran: [A DIRECT QUOTE] “Ah. Cruel to the end.” *moonwalks off to fight*

Me/Magnus: ....why 

END FLASHBACK / PRESENT DAY: 

Zevran: I’m probably going to get killed by Crows one day, even though we killed everyone who knew about me deserting, so I should probably move around a lot to keep that from happening

Magnus: ...kay

Zevran: But you’re going to stay here, right?

Magnus: Not without you.

Zevran: Then we stay. And we fight anyone who comes at us together, yes?

Magnus: *with heart-shaped tears dripping from his eyes* y-yeah *sniffle* 

What’s his name, Magnus’s brother who’s wife and kid got slain at the start of the game: Hey bro

Magnus: Who in the fuck are you

CREDITS ROLL:

AND LO, THE KINGDOM WAS MOSTLY OKAY. THE DWARVES WERE STILL MORONS WITH A BROKEN SYSTEM OF GOVERNMENT THAT CRUMPLED IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE NEW KING DIED. BUT THINGS GOT NICER FOR THE ELVES IN TOWN, AND ALSO KIND OF FOR THE WOOD ELVES BUT A LITTLE BIT LESS. ALISTAIRE WAS A GOOD KING, WHICH SURPRISED EVERYONE. MORRIGAN WAS NEVER SEEN AGAIN (OR WAS SHE) AND SHE WAS MAYBE PREGNANT (WHO SPIED ON US). UHHHH NOBODY ELSE GOT MENTIONED. I BET THEY DIDN’T WANT TO TELL ME THAT ZEVRAN AND I DIDN’T WORK OUT IN THE LONG RUN. LOOK I KNOW HE’S WILD AND FREE AND ALSO NEEDS ALL THE THERAPY. OH AND I GUESS THE CIRCLE’S DOING OKAY. DAGMA THE DWARF GOT A SHOUTOUT BUT NOT STEN OR LELIANA. HISTORY FORGOT ABOUT THEM I GUESS. THAT’S BULLSHIT. ANYWAY. I WOULD LIKE TO THANK THE ACADEMY, AND ALSO MY DASH FOR PUTTING UP WITH THESE RAMBLING RECAPS OF A DECADE-OLD VIDEO GAME. I’D LIKE TO PLAY THE NEXT ONE NOW THAT I’M AN ~EXPERT.~ AND I GUESS SINCE THE GAME DIDN’T GIVE ME MUCH OF AN ENDING I’LL GIVE MAGNUS ONE MYSELF: HE LIVED A GOOD LONG LIFE, LONGER THAN ANYONE EXPECTED, AND WHEN HE AND ZEVRAN LOVINGLY PARTED WAYS HE FOUND A GOOD OL’ BOY WITH WAY LESS BAGGAGE AND LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER, AND ONE TIME ALISTAIRE GOT DRUNK AND SMOOCHED HIM AND GOT ALL BLUSHY AFTERWARD BUT DECIDED THEY’D BE BETTER AS FRIENDS. 

THE

END

[yakumtsaki]

I only call you when it's half past five, the only time that I'll be by your side, I only love it when you touch me, not feel me, when I'm fucked up, that's the real me, when I'm fucked up, that's the real me, BABE ♪

Here we fucking go again, desperately trying to make the fuckboi wolf commit to a serious relationship. My plan to turn Komei into a werewolf crashed and burned last generation and Jojo has had the want locked for like 10 years and it just won’t fucking happen. I’ve never had a non-cheaty werewolf in this game, I don’t know how other people do it but I’m having a ridic hard time with it. Victor’s ghost is judging me and who can blame him.

Speaking of, Shajar’s makeover is this wolf shirt, and yes, full shade intended. I still can’t believe she rolled popularity, way to single out your weakest spot and make it your life’s purpose. I mean that would be like Wyatt rolling fam-  ..nevermind.

UGH. Will you pick a fucking attitude and stick with it you furry asshole??? 

What kind of defective cuck wolf even is this. He won’t befriend us but he won’t attack either, he just sits around with his plastic bone playing house. USELESS. I didn’t know it was possible to hate a digital animal this much..

..but here comes Maxx to defy all expectations. Happy birthday Maxx, you look so wholesome and Lassie-like, I’m sure life with you will be like a vacation!

LOL. Is antagonizing Sophie really how you want to start your adult life, Maxx?? Well I guess having eyes is overrated.

SOPHIE WTF. You beat Victor but can’t take on this flop? Where is your holy warrior spirit??

- I’m old af and starting to worry about my eternal soul, so I’m literally turning the other cheek.

Nice, thanks for nothing. God I miss Victor.

Man, Maxx has ISSUES. He doesn’t even have a mean personality or a bad relationship with the cats, why are you like this you freak??

NOOOO not the fucking pet fight club again omg MAXX YOU DICK

Great, amazing job, Goro! The real Goro is rolling in his grave. All this went down in literally under a minute after Maxx grew up, talk about determination. 

-HA, kneel before Zod!

That’s not even from Mortal Kombat, Maxx, god, can you not make this worse than it is?

-Yea like I give a shit, what am I, some kind of fatass nerd cat?? I’m a dog, bitch, I like running..

Omg.

-And playing outside..

OMG.

-And being affectionate to my owners!

STOP. Christ, what kind of monster have I brought into our lives???

-One day in and I’m already the alpha.. Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy? Oh yes, Maxx is.. The best boy. And soon this cat legacy.. will be history.. the Age of Dog.. is finally.. upon us. 

💔💔💔💔💔

Not that we needed further proof that Maxx was given to us straight out of Satan’s unholy womb, but guess who else loves him on top of Cyneswith?? Why, Wyatt, of course, chief of police married to a serial killer, truly the best judge of character the world has ever known. Show me your friends..

..and I’ll show you who you are. UGH DAGMAR

-As a mailwoman I’m programmed to hate your kind, but I feel such a connection between us.. It’s like the universe conspired-

GTFO. Don’t test me, istg I’ll marry you in..

..you actually don’t look half bad compared to what else is out there. Shajar brings Toadface McBooberson here home from school which. why does bigger cleavage clothing even exist for teens and why do I have it, I really need to stop downloading default replacements in the dark. Anyway, hope you’re all ready for the adventure called ‘What is Shajar’s sexual orientation/does she even have one’!

Ugh, this certainly feels familiar. Shajar please, PLEASE fight your Jojo genes, I mean everyone loves Cyneswith, this is shaping up to be Gunter/Jojo volume 2 AND I CAN’T DEAL WITH IT AGAIN

-So, Butterface, my ambition in life is to have my own music theme play whenever I enter a room, like Darth Vader or Mary Poppins-

-Isn’t the sound of people already in the room sighing enough of a theme for you?

-Well it looks like one little frog around here isn’t getting turned into a princess!

Yea, I really don’t know what I expected?? Those who do not learn history are doomed to repeat it.

Speaking of daddy dearest, let’s check in. How’s it going, Jo? Great? Thought so, ok bye-

-DON’T YOU DARE PAN AWAY AND LEAVE ME TO MY MISERY MY ASPIRATION IS SCARLET RED

I’m sorry Jo but I’m a hear no evil, see no evil, spend-legacy-time-on-no-evil type of bitch and your life just bums me out at this point. But if it’s any consolation, it’s all your fault!

-HOW THE HELL IS IT MY FAULT I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR THIS BULLSHIT

Um, YEA YOU DID. This is generation 2, we’re barely middle class and being heir is quite literally a shit job. Of course you could have minimized the impact had you chosen someone else to marry, but you just HAD to have Wyatt Narcolepsy Monif so.. talk to you later?

-Wyatt I’m worried our ship is sinking and no amount of rotting birthday cake can ease the pain.

-Oui, my estomac hurts toό.. Nothing 14 heures of sleepé won’t remédit of coursé :)

-DIDN’T NEED SUCH A GRAPHIC REMINDER THAT LIFE IS GARBAGE

God, wtf more do you want, 15k and still whining-

-OH. Well this just has Wyatt written all over it, but omg he tried to do a household task, just got confused at the very end. Bravo, leaps and bounds!

Meanwhile Shajar is having a successful interaction with a family member!! It’s a toddler who can’t get away, but whatever, it counts. Looks like this is a game-changing night for everyone.

-YES IT REALLY IS.

Jojo how about you take a page out of Komei’s book and devote your leftover energy to cats or cooking contests or banging Marissa Bendett instead of this constant, obnoxious guilt-tripping?? Man I really didn’t appreciate Komei while I had him.

7 a.m., the usual morning lineup, start on the chores and sweep 'till the floor's all clean, polish and wax, do laundry, and mop and shine up, sweep again, and by then it's like 7:15,  

and so I'll read a book, or maybe two or three, I'll add a few new paintings to my gallery, I'll play guitar and knit, and cook and basically-

-just wonder when will my life begin? ♪

And of course that’s Victor making his nightly appearance and helping put Jojo out of his misery. What a sweetheart!

With the addition of Wulf and his 10 active points generation 3 has officially evolved past sleep, we’re talking 10/10/9 (Shajar you lazy bum) and it’s seriously exhausting. You know how when sims are asleep you can check your phone or eat smth or w/e, yea that’s simply not happening anymore, I’m in constant vigilance all night long..

..and thank god because otherwise I would have missed Allegra and Victor’s ghosts playing??? WTF MAXIS. I’ve never seen this before and it’s the rare combo of sad and adorable. Right in the feels ❤️💔

THAT WASN’T AN INVITATION TO EXPRESS YOUR SADNESS FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME JOJO

Oh “ok” it’s a cockroaches related freak-out. I don’t see anyone else crying over them but that’s Jojo for you. Exterminator bro if you’re that grossed out by a pile of dead insects I have some bad news for you regarding your profession. And while we’re on the topic of professions and crying:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. You may recall that Wyatt has been one promotion away from his LTW for about 150 years and all we’ve been doing since is trying to amass the 8 friends needed for it. Welp, we finally got them through our blood, sweat and tears, so what does Wyatt do the day he was supposed to get promoted?? Get fired of course, what else! 

Honestly I’m not even mad, this truly is like the culmination of everything we know Wyatt to be. I mean just cast your minds back to the final moments of this post. We knew what we were getting into. Rock on, Wyatt!

-Nό, there is no disgracéd police capitaine in this maison! Quelle?? I’m not even Français! Et toi shouldn’t be calling personnes at 5 p.m when everyόné is sound asleép!

Time for the black sheep to get the full Kylo Ren treatment. Looking good, Shaj! Now let’s put that hot makeover to use-

-NO.

Here we go, HUMAN contact. Toadface was a bust so let’s try a dude. Shajar do you mind talking about something other than your dead pets??

-But I don’t want to talk about anything else!

Yea and I don’t want to overstate things but I’m getting the distinct feeling finding you a partner is gonna make Daniel’s run at it look like Californication.

Well, the data we’ve gathered so far points to Shajar being a noogiesexual, I’m sure somewhere on tumblr there already exists a pride flag for it. 

That’s right, mop up the dog piss from that grass and think about the face you present to the world.

HOW IS YOUR ASPIRATION GONE TO SHIT AGAIN. WTF ARE YOU DOING WHEN I’M NOT LOOKING, GOING AROUND FACING YOUR FEARS?? JFC

-I have a perma fear of leading the miserable life I’m trapped in.

-Oh look, my kid is potty trainted and I get 5k points.. I’m soooo happy... Definitely don’t miss my serial killer days...

Ok I can’t take this anymore, either Wyatt will have to take up more household duties..

..or we can aim for something within the realm of reality and build a robot servant instead. And if you’re thinkering you’re not whining! Everyone wins.

In the dead of the night, a time when only 12 year old children are awake and watching god knows what-

-Game of Thrones! Team Stark!

Ugh, of course you are-

-Wulf grows up! 

-Woo happy birthday Wulf! Don’t even try to come for my golden child crown, I’m as perfect as my grades.

I don’t like what Game of Thrones is doing to you, Cyn.

First thing Wulf does after his pj makeover is head for the keyboard, which makes the choice for his general makeover clear as day:

Wulf...Wolf...WOLFGANG. I mean, some things are just written in the stars..

..AND SOME THINGS AREN’T, in this case Shajar’s dating life. We get another Butterface McBooberson (wtf is it with this dress in this town) but this one is also sporting terrible hair as a bonus. Score!

Great, we’ve moved from music themes to dead pets to world domination. At least we’re committing to the Kylo persona. Butter 2.0 is into it?? Get a grip girl.

-Um why do you think I have this last century hair? I’m very into monarchy.

This is not only going non-disastrously but dare I say, well?? I can’t tell if I want it to work or not though, on one hand I’ve made my feelings about this face template abundantly clear.. on the other hand this is the first human (except her 10 nice point sister) to like Shaj.. 

..thankfully it looks like there’s no need to solve that dilemma after all. Btw at the time of this writing I literally still don’t know if Shajar is into girls or dudes, or both. No reaction to anyone whatsoever. 

Meanwhile even after the noogie Butter is super receptive and doesn’t hate us? I was as shocked as you are, if we were rich I’d think she has some ulterior motive but nop, it’s just low standards. God bless them-

-cause we made our first friend!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank the fucking lord Shajar’s LTW isn’t friend related, take a wild guess what it is instead.. And of course, the answer is ‘become Mayor’. I can just see the banner now: ‘vote Shajar Union or face the deadly consequences’.

-Ahh my dear, finally, no screaming toddlers ruining my life while you pretend you can’t hear them.. Now I can slowly start un-resenting you.. Maybe there’s hope for this marriage after all..

Not if Cyneswith has anything to do with it! After spending her entire childhood cockblocking by sleeping in her parents’ bed, she literally grew up just as they were about to woohoo for the first time in 10 years. how in character. Wanna know what isn’t in character??? Hold on to your seats, everyone..

............

....................................

..............................................

OK THEN. Much like Wolfgang there is but one appropriate look for the above:

Did anyone think fucking Lolita Cyneswith was remotely possible, let alone probable?? ROMANCE?? And into the elderly???? I thought that combo was bad enough, I mean then you bring in the tinkering factor on top of it and it’s like, Waylon Fairchild and college profs won’t know what hit them.. How naive I was. Things can always, always get worse, and in this family, they usually do. You can probably tell where I’m going with this.. Fast forward a few days and the LTW shows up..

..........................................yup. You know it’s been months and you’d think I’d have articulated a response by now that isn’t just screaming or miscellaneous incoherent sounds, and yet! what can I say, sometimes emotions are so powerful that words fail us. In lieu of a written reaction please listen to this song after the specified time stamp. It’s 3 minutes long and the only lyric is ‘oh no’.

[pinkbelugacollective]

KO-D Blues: The Current DDT Main Event Scene

Anyone who first heard about Cyberagent acquiring DDT back in fall of 2017 knew that change was coming. It often does with acquisitions. Sure, the general understanding was that there would be more capital to float ideas and new projects, bigger paychecks for the personnel, but with great power comes great responsibility- more capital inevitably comes with more stakeholders.

Customers, as in the DDT audience, has been the longest and most consistent stakeholder at DDT pre-aquisition, simply because of the fact that up until fall 2017, DDT was a technically an independent whose business strategy tapped into the niche puroresu market that craved the absurdist, outlandish, and overall nontraditional approach at professional wrestling in a market that was flooded with similar content (don't @ me, but every Ace is the same kinda Ace across the big Five promotions, with a lil tailoring here and there). They have several sister promotions each doing their own thing, all part of the DDT umbrella, but running their own hijinks for their small, but loyal fanbases that buy the tickets and merch as loyally as any person consuming the mainstream content.

But after fall of 2017, they were no longer a successful indy, but now a cog in a larger machine aiming to make money. They were acquired, there's technically a new boss in the story, and even though at first it didn't seem like much would change, something has.

When Shuji Ishikawa won the D-King Grand Prix, I was livid for multiple reasons. I knew there was no way in hell he was gonna win the belt off Takeshita because by that point, it was common knowledge that Shuji would be over in AJPW the entirety of April for Champion Carnival. There was no way in hell a DDT could put their top belt on a man who had to disappear for a whole month, no matter how loyal he was to his mother promotion, bc that would have inevitably started a war between President Takagi and Uncle Jun. My pick was always Daisuke Sasaki, but some wanted Akito, some Yukio, the possibilities were endless because they're full-timers, and all of them amazing wrestlers, and we already knew Harashima was well on his way to lighter feuds and semi-main event status because his Ace days are coming to an end. We knew, but we didn't fret because other people were just are ready for an amazing push, but the victory went to the man who was already known to be a special attraction at Sumo Hall. There was a reason why HaraMarufuji had to drop those belts at Sumo Hall, and only half of it was to push Higuchi, because the other half had to salvage whatever dignity the men had left bc NOAH didn't book HaraMarufuji for shit and DDT could barely make do with Marufuji's sporadic appearances. Sometimes, it works out (like with Yuko), but a lot of times it just doesn't. So Shuji wasn't gonna win, we knew, but DDT management still played the game of thrones, and that led to the upset at Judgement 2k18.

The polls wanted Shuji. The fans wanted Shuji. Deep down, I feel like god wanted Shuji too, but no one can stop Management when it's high on one person regardless of how much the fans, the culture, the whole damn industry wants otherwise. Everyone else becomes an afterthought. People who have worked hard to keep the company alive are no longer in line to get a nice push. Suddenly, everyone becomes food for the top guy, no matter how good the build-up was for the other players, no matter how hot the crowd was for the opponent, no matter how willing the crowd was to forget that Shuji had AJPW dates to fulfill in two weeks, just because they loved the build-up to the Sumo Hall show and wanted Goliath of DAMNATION to come out as champion and give Ryogoku a concert to remember. But reality won in the end, and Shuji got pinned, and there went January through March, straight to the garbage because they fed Shuji Ishi-fucking-kawa to a 22 year old boy who can barely cut a promo and keep a crowd hot after winning a main event.

It's a tragedy from three ends because 1) Takeshita's literally a fucking novice who's only been wrestling for five or so years and is literally in the age group of the current trainees of the damn promotion, 2) he has no character or personality to speak of that people can get high on except the select few that enjoy his 'notice me Endo-san' yandere tirades, and 3) ... he lacks the spirit of DDT.

If DDT was all wrestling, everyday, I'd be watching NOAH's shitty booking and eating ice cream while trying not to let my soul slip outta my mortal coil, but that's not what DDT is. DDT is fully fleshed out characters and over-the-top storylines, DDT is gay-friendly and intergender-wrestling friendly, it's gimmick fuckery for everyone in the promotion, everyone gets to have more than one character, BOYZ shows run social critiques on heterolinis, YAROZ act out the hypermasculine thotheads, Ganbare lets Imanari have emotional meltdowns during ring takedown, TJP has zombies, BASARA has a deathmatch samurai for an Ace, and a wig is the crown for anyone who wants to be general manager of the promotion. It's content fuckery at its best, and it's fun. Takeshita Konosuke? He's not fun.

I'm not gonna try and dissect why he's not getting over, but the fact of the matter is- he's not getting over. And yet- and yet he's still being pushed like he's king of the world. Suddenly we're back in Sumo Hall, and the crowd's dead for Konosuke. A couple of weeks back, when Takeshita lost, he flipped. There was something there, a spark that came and went regularly since Takeshita and Endo began feuding, a rage that bubbled to the surface whenever Takeshita couldn't get his way. There was a character- a semblance of a character worth looking forward to because there was an unparalleled emotion there that was almost tangible.

But like a dying flame, the spark fizzled out, and we were left with an inconsistent character. Like is you mad? Is you happy? You never fuckin know with Take, man. The only consistent thing about him is his undying love/hate for Endo-san.

So Takeshita won, Shuji bowed out, and then Shigehiro Irie rolled up. Suddenly, there was some hope again, because Shige had his own storyline that made sense in the grander scheme of things. With Management so gung ho behind Takeshita, it was excellent storytelling to bring in the guy who has WORDS for the promotion who conned him out of a D-King Grand Prix spot, and had him consider quitting. But Shigs had his own story, his own reason for being, a freelancer like Shuji in his own right, but still tied to the Motherland, to DDT, at the end of the day. Still a heel, but a heel of the people- and if he wins at Max Bump 2018, a champion of the people.

Akito, on the other hand, is gonna be ten years in DDT next year, and he's one of the best wrestlers on the roster, but is still one of the most underpushed (understandable as his character is rather bland even if his skills are exceptional). Coming out with a bad Prix record, he then went on to question Shige's right to challenge. Like an older brother protecting the golden baby of the family, Akito stood up against a literal beast. And he lost. More than that, he was shamed. What's a person to do?

So what changed? Over the years, a number of champions have held the coveted KO-D. OK, maybe 'coveted' is pushing it. It's a hot title, aight? It's the top guy's title, whether that top guy for the moment is Harashima, Kudo, Ibushi, Ishikawa, Sakaguchi, Togo, Poison Sawada Julie, Dino or Mikami. But that didn't mean the title didn't change hands. For its eighteen year existence, its changed enough times for a title spanning forty years, but DDT went from zero to hero. Suddenly the belts weren't all jokes, the talent wasn't just here for the shenanigans, but for an actual chance to be the rightful King of DDT. So what changed?

Across Harashima's nine reigns over eleven years, he clocked in well over a thousand days. Takeshita is on his second reign, at 22, and clocked in almost five hundred days over eleven different defenses. The push is real, but the push isn't getting over. So I wonder again- what changed?

Everyone knows the worst civil war a promotion can get into is the war with its own customer base. The crowd died at Sumo Hall after Takeshita retained, and they were barely waking up again when Irie popped up. The story's there- the Old Guard of DDT having to deal with the new Management that came with the acquisition, Irie's need to show Takeshita that DDT is still what it used to be, even if Shigs is bitter and jaded that things have changed so quickly, the constant, nagging feeling in the back of every DDT fan's mind that 'jfc, we gotta deal with Takeshita again?” There's only so much a promotion can do until the push fails. We still have to fill up seats for Peter Pan. The hottest stable on the indies for the last two years was DAMNATION, but now that their push and hype was used on Shuji and Goliath's been slayed, what's next for them? Shige is almost certain to lost at Max Bump because anyone who slays Takeshita, will be slaying the Future and taking back DDT for whatever reason. That's not happening at Korakuen with a guy who's been MIA since December. Harashima's time is over. The generation of DDT wrestlers that came after 2005 are still lagging in the midcard, and times are... intense. We have a Sumo Hall double show coming up in 2019, and it looks like we really will be hosting Tokyo Dome if 2020 if we continue at this pace.

So what changed?

I don't want to give up hope yet because I trust that crowd sentiment matters to DDT, but with Takeshita's victory at Judgment, his lukewarm hype, and now the setup to feed heel!Shige to Takeshita in order to fluff him up as a face... it's not looking too great. Shige losing now means the Old Guard loses a warhound. One of the few things that can salvage his loss is Akito having a heel turn, but the turn hasn't been triggered in years, and seems unlikely even now when the moment is most opportune. There are... no challengers left for Takeshita with a proper build. The one man who was capable of running with his push had to lose to Mike Bailey. We're at a standstill right now- halfway to the dawn of a new era, but moments away from severe backlash because of the near omnipotent reign of a boy king who can barely keep his emotions in check around his ex-bff/love of his unfortunate life. Given, DDT didn't die even when Ibushi quit, so I doubt Takeshita's lackluster reign is gonna kill the promotion dead... but it doesn’t spell out a good future if there's meant to be a cycle of this lackluster character work.

Especially if they intend for him to be the Ace for good.

Alas, the main event scene at DDT right now is rife with mixed feelings while we prepare to work the five hundred other side-projects DDT has going, while preparing for a fall Peter Pan, with no clear picture of who will be the two men standing face-to-face at the last marquee event of the year. We'll see at Max Bump if Shige can win one for the Old Guard and take the belt off Takeshita long enough to build up other characters that can have formidable reigns, but until then, it's a rocky road. At least Smile Squash held it down for the crowd :/

[igaveuplent]

Things:

1. Whoa. Oh boy. Here we go. Let’s start off with the thing that is giving me the most anxiety right now because if I don’t get it out of the way I feel like my heart will continue to beat out of my chest. Let’s go to two for this.

2. What the actual fuck? What is it? It’s not like I’m paying an upwards of 90 GRAND for a degree. Just one. It’s not like this is the pathway to my future or anything. No need to answer my email. How do we have clinical on Thursday and you’re still not answering my email? How is it that your page is still under construction? How are your direction not clear as day! Where the fuck are we supposed to meet on Thursday? Please tell me. Jfc. I don’t feel any better after that. Let’s move on.

3. Insecurities. Let’s talk about that and how some man decided to poke at mine this weekend. I don’t even want to say this out loud but it truthfully bothers me so much- that I nearly cried. Of course not in front of him but I wanted to. I also wanted to take a knife to his throat but his family was right there. I’m going to break this into two points. To the actual point, he said I looked 13.

4. The next thing he proceeded to do was ask his wife who looks older, me or his barely 14 y/o daughter. Like thanks sir. He said, “don’t take offense to this. I’m just saying. You know when you’re 90 you’ll look 40.” WELL IM NOT TRYNA GET RAILED AND HAVE MY FACE USED AS A THRONE AT NINTY YOU CUNT. I’m trying to get face fucked at 28, but apparently I look younger than 16, so if that tells me anything, I’m attracting pedos. (For anyone reading this I’m sorry for the vulgarity. But not really. I mean- sex is sex, and even the outlandish kinks shouldn’t have a taboo attached to them. Who are we harming? Besides. Even the most vanilla of you fuckers have some ounce of curiosity- don’t deny it. That’s what makes us.. not better, but freer. We are able to tap in and accept. Venture off into the deep end and allow ourselves that vulnerability. If you are uncomfortable though- that’s the last mention of sex in this post so feel free to proceed. I am sorry for the tangent.)

5. Easy Love and Paris in the Rain by Lauv. You’re welcome. Actually, the whole album.

6. I think I could really do this. School I mean. I’ll try to leave out the negative after thoughts I have. I can see some sort of ending- a nicer one than I had anticipated.

7. “Control your emotions.” That’s rich coming from an asshole that didn’t know how to control his anger my entire childhood. Fuck right off with that. If have to control my emotions for anyone that decides to BEAT on Asian elders, then I don’t want control. Which is what he told me after I said I’d go to jail for my elders. “Control your emotions.” To which he admitted later that he’d do the same thing. Hmm. It’s funny isn’t it? How you can hold all the emotion and suffocate the rest of our feelings.

8. My brother is failing again. Interesting how they still won’t do anything more or different. My father is obviously kept out of the loop. He’d have a field day with that. Perhaps that’s what my brother needs. Maybe not. Most likely not. It never did anyone any good with the yelling.

9. Honestly, I have thought of suicide these last two weeks. It hasn’t been as bad, which I know is a good thing. I’m sure the people that love me would agree. Let me move on to ten before I really start to think more about it.

10. Seriously, answer my god damn email. Please. For the love of hell.

11. If you follow it down to the T, I would like you to know you’re transphobic as fuck. There’s no way around that. If that’s how you interpret things or choose to follow, we can’t be friends. I’m sorry but your religion doesn’t get to decide what’s wrong with me or disregard my being. Remember- your god is not mine.

12. Now I’m thinking about nine and it’s intensifying.

13. I know this one is random but it still pisses me off. My friend’s child threw a grape at me once. And not even in a ha ha type way, but legitimately threw a grape at me. I looked at the kid sideways, and the mom gon say, “don’t look at my child like that.” WELL THEN BITCH GET YOUR CHILD. IF YOURE NOT GOING TO SAY ANYTHING ABOUT HER THROWING A GRAPE AT ME THEN IM LOOKING AT LIL MAMA SIDEWAYS. I hate when parents don’t teach their children not to be absolute little monsters. It’s not cute. It’s a Fucking grape I know but now I’m just angry about everything and she popped up on my socials. A fucking grape. I wanted to beam that kid in the fucking forehead.

[kyluxtrashpit]

Okay so now for the real post. I was prepared to write this whole big thing about the kylux fandom and why I’m staying despite some things and such but honestly the movie was pretty good? As some of you know, I was fucking TERRIFIED I’d have to leave the ship (also shoutout to those who helped calm me down; you know who you are <3). I have some quibbles, which I’ll get into below, but overall it was pleasantly surprising. FYI this post of full of spoilers and please remember I spoiled myself on a good amount of it before going in. I’m also very happy I did

And also… this was all 100% in line with the headcanons I already had for kylux? I’ve seen a lot of people freaking out and jumping ship and saying we need to completely reimagine the characters, which, sure, if you want to, go nuts, but idk I didn’t personally get anything like that? Snoke pitting them against each other, because you know if he talked shit about Hux to Kylo, he’s definitely doing it the other way around too. And yes, Kylo does attack Hux, but Hux was also about to kill him before he woke up, even if Kylo doesn’t know that, so we’re in exactly the same place as before. I could talk a lot about why their characterizations are exactly in line with the way I saw and wrote them before and why Kylo taking on the mantle of Supreme Leader does not mean Hux is inferior to him in practice in any way, shape, or form, but this post is way too fucking long already so I’ll save it for another day

Instead, here’s a list of Thoughts in no particular order:

Kylo was fucking PHENOMENAL. This. This is what I wanted. My boy being unstable as fuck and making terrible split-second impulse decisions and getting himself in way over his head. He’s going to regret taking the throne in like 3 days. Guaranteed. He’s made the biggest mistake of his life and he doesn’t even know it yet because he has no idea what he actually wants, just saw an opportunity and went ‘oh shit… the throne is empty… wait. I know how to sit?? I could sit on it??? YES THIS IS A GREAT IDEA I’M THE NEW LEADER FUCK YES’. I fucking love my disaster boy. I love him so much I can’t even articulate it

Also like… Rey shows him one small moment of kindness and he’s immediately like ‘someone was nice to me??? okay cool this is all it took to convince me to kill my abusive mentor for the last better part of a decade who’s been in my head for almost my entire life just because of that’ and like… that is both the most Kylo thing I’ve ever seen and the biggest mood I’ve ever had. This is why we always wrote Hux capable of manipulating him and why Snoke was able to manipulate him; Kylo aches for positive attention from literally anyone

“I want every gun we have to fire on that man” JFC HONEY NO. But on a more serious note, the second the mask comes off, all of his control is gone. He’s trying so hard to assert his dominance and power over everyone he encounters because he thinks that will make him feel better, that it’s what he wants, but he’s so fucking out of control and out of his depth that it just utterly falls flat, just like in tfa after the mask came off. He can Force choke and throw people all he wants, literally no one is fooled. He has no idea what he’s doing and it’s staggeringly obvious

I also really liked seeing baby Ben, even for just like 10 seconds

Literally the only Kylo thing I did not like were his pants. Like goddamn boy, that waist is way too high. No wonder your temper is so finicky. I’d be angry too if I was wearing uncomfortable, excessively high-waisted pants all the time

I, too, did not like the dumb humour with Hux (see: the entire opening bit. Like literally all of it; Poe should not have been able to pull that off and Hux is not that stupid) but I also still see the Hux I’ve come to love in there. The snark, pulling a gun without hesitation on Kylo for the double tap but being smart enough to hide it when he wakes up, the entire command shuttle bit (except the Force throw – that was unnecessary), and especially that glare of absolute rage and hatred at Kylo once he turns away inside the base on Crait. I’m okay with tired disaster Hux and you can tell he’s already planning a coup. The army seems to still be under his control anyway; he just needs to wait until Kylo finishes digging his own grave and then give him that extra push into it

That said, I’m really glad we got to see Hux bitch slap someone, even if I wish it hadn’t been Finn

Rose was the other highlight of the movie right up until the kiss with Finn. I loved their interactions but the unnecessary heterosexuality was just… no. And then the bit at the end that definitely looked towards a love triangle? *loud gagging noises* no, fuck that shit. Literally everything else with her was absolutely amazing though, especially the Canto Bight stuff

Finn felt… off somehow? I can’t explain why, but he just felt like a weaker character here. Finn was really compelling in tfa and I really wanted more with him and to learn more about him, but I feel like he didn’t do much? The fight with Phasma was a little underwhelming (also she deserved to go out more impressively than that) and most of the other stuff was someone else instigating and him just going along. He seemed… too passive, maybe? I can’t put my finger on what was off, but I didn’t like it and I’m a little let down there. I also really wanted him to be Force-sensitive and really felt he was built up to be. How else was he the only person to ever break FO conditioning?

Poe was also… not how I imagined? I always saw him as the ‘calm pal’ kinda guy but I guess he’s a little more jumped up than I expected. Not a gripe, per se, but just surprising. They also very much did demote him from main character status, which is kinda sad

Admiral Holdo was a fucking boss and I love her. So was Leia for most of it (expect what was with that space scene?). Fuck yeah powerful older women. I need so much more immediately. However, I also wish Leia had gotten more time and it also saddens me that she’s now lost her entire family. Yes, she has the Resistance, and Poe and Rey and Finn, but she has no one from her past. Literally no one. Leia had already lost so much coming into this trilogy and it’s absolutely tragic that all she did was lose more. Leia deserved better, but with Carrie gone, we know Leia won’t be getting it in 9

DJ WAS FANTASTIC. I did not see that coming. And I hope we never see him again because it would ruin the purpose of his character

I liked most of Rey’s arc. I wasn’t sure about the Force bond (I knew about it beforehand) but it ended up working for me and was actually really cool. I still do not ship r*ylo at all (it’s just not for me, ship what you want), but their interactions are intriguing and I can understand why things played out how they did. Rey wanted help for the rebellion and a teacher. She thought that was Luke, but it wasn’t, and then she thought that was Kylo, but it wasn’t. I think she just needs to realize that maybe it’s up to her to be the one to help the rebellion. She’s figured out most of the Force on her own already; I don’t think she needs a teacher. Although the jealous look towards Finn and Rose was just awful. I’m also very concerned for her arc in 9 because I swear if they make it all about trying to save Kylo, I’d be fucking pissed. She’s her own character. She doesn’t exist to help him

I’m also… not sure I buy Rey being a nobody? It’s either a lie or just bad writing to lead up to it. Because in tfa, it’s always ‘who’s the girl?’, ‘what girl?’, etc. I also always got the feeling that Kylo knew who she was, somehow? And why did the Skywalker family lightsaber choose her over Kylo? Why does she have the same amount of power as Kylo if there’s no relation whatsoever? How are her parents buried on Jakku if she saw a ship flying away? I just feel like it was built up to lead elsewhere and then it didn’t. Then again, it is possible Kylo is lying or only thinks he knows, but idk. It’s not that I hate the idea of her being a nobody, but the execution of it was tremendously clumsy

As for Luke… I don’t know. Luke has never been the kind of person to attack first. He is a gentle flower. The entire point of him is his idealism, his hope, his kindness. Even if it was in a moment of instinct, of fear, I don’t think he’d pull a lightsaber first on anyone, especially a family member, no matter how much Dark was in him. Luke saw the Light in Darth Vader, of all people. That it was stressed to be an accident and for Luke to realize he’d fucked up big helped, but I still don’t know if I buy it. I understand bringing flaws to Luke, but I don’t think these were the right flaws to bring. I… don’t know. I haven’t decided how I feel about this yet. And also his death was just odd? What killed him? Was the implication that Force-projecting that far is too hard? Idk, it was really strange and I didn’t get it. I need to think on how I feel about it. Also ‘see you around, kid’ was a pretty dumb last line. Even though I’m pretty sure it was more a promise/threat than anything else. He’s going to be haunting the shit out of everyone

I really liked the crystal foxes. I want 10 of them immediately. However, I have no strong feelings one way or the other on the porgs

THE FUCKING IRON. Jfc I was like ‘omfg that ship looks like an iron, that’s so ridiculous’ AND THEN IT WASN’T A SHIP, IT WAS JUST AN IRON. It was inordinately funny to me. I lost my shit and my friend gave me a dubious look

I wish we’d seen the KOR and I really, really hope we do in 9. Come on, JJ, I believe in you. Let me see the rest of the disaster children in action

Yoda’s cameo was kinda dumb and unnecessary. I know that was supposed to be the moment that changed Luke’s mind but… ehhh. I could’ve done without

The bit at the end with the random kid was also stupid and I wish they’d cut it

Now the biggest thing is… where the fuck are they going with 9? The Resistance is 10 people in the Falcon, the Order is being run by a guy who has absolutely no fucking clue what he’s doing and a second in command that is ready to murder the shit out of him the second he gets the chance. Leia probably won’t be there, so the OT trio is gone. This movie was also weird because it was like… the span of a day and a half? At most? It’s a really strange timeline to go with imo and it’s going to make 9 hard. I’m scared Rey will become an accessory to Kylo’s story (which is most likely going to end up as an even more ham-fisted redemption arc than it would’ve been if it had started in 8). Like no one is in a powerful place. If there were 2 more movies coming, I think it would work, but with only 1? Ehhhh, idk. I have faith in JJ but in some ways he’s been written into a corner, I think. We’ll have to see, I guess

[drunklander]

Drunj!Der Yells About Outlander

Thoughts on Ep. 301

Ermagherd guys. It’s been 84 years but the new season is finally here! And not gonna lie, I was about 50/50 excited and nervous for the new episodes to come out because ugh season two…

But I actually really liked the episode! I felt the things I was supposed to feel! I wanted to punch the people I thought I’d want to punch! I yelled a lot of things at Frank because I still hate him! My desire to smash the patriarchy grew three times! It went by really, really fast! Can they all go by this fast so it’s not like waiting 84 more years for Jamie and Claire to get back together? Cool.

Anywho, ramblings are under the cut. I split them up between Boston and Scotland just to keep it organized but I *loved* the editing of the episode. And the direction. Good job, new director guy!

(omfg i forgot how long i get when i write these things and also how fucking long it takes to like proofread and format once i’m sober...)

Scotland

There are no more bagpipes in the theme music and it’s making me feel things. *shakes fist at Bear in the best way possible*

The shot with all the bodies is powerful and everything but I can’t also help feeling a little salty that season two/DIA exists since lol nothing matters. They’re all dead and they were always going to be dead and I just really didn’t like last season but this is the new season sooo moving on.

The body they zoom over after the piles of bodies is Murtagh, right? Because it looks like Murtagh. And Amazon’s x-ray thing is telling me it’s Murtagh. So Murtagh’s not getting saved? Because when they talk about him later in the episode I got my hopes wayyy up that he was going to come back at some point in the season. So now I guess they’re going to have Jamie maybe remember later on? Like maybe keep the part on the ship after Claire is hurt when he tells her the story about how he dies? Anywho, I’m going to go have feelings about Murtagh now.

This killing of the wounded is the most brutal parallel to Prestonpans, guys. (RIP Lt. Babyface)

Also, Sam Heughan and Tom Hardy should star in a two-man show where Sam acts everything without speaking and Tom does the whole thing with his Bane/Mad Max/Dunkirk masks on so he like only has an eyebrow left visible.

Seriously though. Murder me with feels why don’t you, dying!Jamie.

And it’s not supposed to be a surprise that it’s BJR on top of him, right? Like they didn’t think they were going to make that a reveal or anything did they? Because like who the fuck else would it be...

I’m really glad they edited it this way with it all out of sequence and cutting back and forth and stuff though. Like Prestonpans was straightforward and it was awesome. But man does this just hit me in the “omg they’re all doomed and Jamie’s dying and that’s what he wants so badly so like I want him to get what he wants but he can’t die because #plot” feels. Plus the nod to the book where his memories of the battle are all jumbled.

JFC, BPC. STFU about your birthday cup. What the actual fuck is wrong with you. How are you so bad at this. It’s been more than a year since season two and I still just want to punch your very punchable face.

Ok I know Jamie at the stones is supposed to be all heartbreaking and moving and shit, and it is, I guess, as much as it can be in the 0.5 seconds we see him there. But him smelling Claire’s plaid just reminds me of this post and I lol’ed an inappropriate amount for the moment.

I *really* want to punch BPC’s “oh shit, we’re fucked” face. Like when Jamie tells him to order the charge while there’s still a chance and his face is just like that look of horror over what’s happening like WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU THINK WAS HAPPENING YOU FUCKING IDIOT WITH YOUR FUCKING BIRTHDAY CUP FROM YOUR DAD. LOOK THE FUCK AROUND YOU. THIS ISN’T A FUCKING GAME AND OMFG SOMEONE PLEASE PUNCH HIM.

Also inappropriately chuckling at Jamie murdering a dude with fucking divot, but moving on because…

MURTAGH!!! Omg both of their faces when they see each other and “Where’ve you been, enjoying a wee whisky?” *Murtagh casually kills a dude* “You’re welcome.” I JUST LOVE THE TWO OF THEM SO MUCH. Also, thanks for the heads up that the Lallybroch guys are home safe, Murtagh. Move over, Game of Thrones season seven. Outlander has had teleporting since the beginning.

Outlander: Where Time Travel Is Real, But Travel Time Isn’t

All that training in Je Suis Prest and they end up just charging in. Because lol nothing matters. But I did really like Je Suis Prest so whatever.

I’m not sure I like this weird “magic hour” lighting on the Jamie and BJR fight? Like I get if that’s just when they filmed it that’s one thing, and that their fight is like for *all the closure* so it’s almost separate from the rest of the battle. But I’m not feeling it?

Super glad that we do get that closure of seeing Jamie kill him though, and that Jamie remembers it so he can like process and move on from that part of his life.

Them landing like in a hug and then basically spooning is a bit on the nose though, show. Although like thanks I guess for having him keep Jamie alive and not bleeding out by literally laying on his wound?

Oh the dragonfly in amber. I’m still not a fan of the gifts at the stones thing from last year. But I guess I’m ok with him having something of Claire’s to hold on to so like when vision!Claire appears there’s like something physical tying her to him?

Also, vision!Claire is fucking stunning.

I swear to fuck Jamie thinking he’s seeing Claire in the early episodes is going to murder me.

“I’m not gonna leave ye to die in the mud. Even if ye are a pig-headed loon who canna hold his whisky.” “Drink you under the table.” Literally dying Jamie Fraser defending his alcohol tolerance is my new aesthetic. 

I’m glad they show him dropping the amber because like there goes his last physical memory of Claire. *sobs quietly* But also to show how it eventually ended up in the museum for Claire to see last season. Because I def thought they weren’t going to bring that back again and her seeing it last season was just a weird bit of haha look how this is here now for Claire to see! Feel things, monkey, feel the feelings! (That said, I don’t know if I like it enough to merit the time spent on it at the stones last year…)

Ok so I’m starting to think that Murtagh is really dead and that really was him that we saw on the ground at the beginning and they’re just bringing him up again to established that no one knows what happens to him so they can go back later in the season and have Jamie remember him dying and then I’ll have all the Murtagh feelings.

(Seriously though, please fucking save Murtagh!)

I really, *really* love Rupert in the scenes in the house. I love that they let him step up and, with Jamie out of commission, really become the leader of these men. His “No, my lord. Traitors all. Shall we be hanged then.” has just that right amount of fuck you in it, but his “Thank you, my lord.” is definitely genuine. Like yeah, he’s going to die, but at least it’s an honorable man who’s going to kill him in an honorable way?

Seriously though, I love Hal.

Ugh, Jamie saying “she’s gone.” That’s going to be a thing isn’t it. Like with Jenny and then with LJG. And it’s going to murder me every time isn’t it. Ok.

The goodbye with Rupert is my everything. The humor and feelings and Angus and omg. I have feelings.

And the way Rupert’s voice changes when he says “aye.” And when he says his name. Guys why is my face wet.

“No man in the king’s custody will be shot lying down on my watch.” I fucking love you, Hal.

Gah, the way Jamie’s voice changes and becomes stronger when he says his name, like Rupert’s did. It’s like it’s their chance to go out with all of their dignity. But then Jamie’s fades because he’s so weak. *sobs*

“Does the name John Grey mean anything to you?” “Well no, because even though he gave your father’s name and title plus his birth order last year, so he clearly wasn’t trying to hide his identity or anything, the writers decided to keep him in the script as William Grey. There really was no reason to do that. They could have just made him John Grey from the start. But they didn’t. For reasons I will never understand. So no, the name John Grey means nothing to me. Good day, sir. I said good day.”

Gah like Jamie is so sad that I really want to shoot him and put him out of his misery but I also want ep. 306 so thanks for being noble af, Hal.

I am def going to start using “This is a deuce of a situation.” in my everyday life.

Oh hey, Jenny and Ian. See you next week!

Boston

Ok but that first shot of Claire. Like that resigned look that this is her life now and she’s trying to convince herself that she’s ok with it. And the little sigh like “ok I can do this” but like more that she thinks she *needs* to do this. Break my heart a little right there, Claire. Also, please leave Frank so you can take the time you need to heal and grieve and process instead of keeping it all bottled up inside to live up to some “conditions” because that’s really not healthy.

“Are you sure we can afford all this?” “Oh totally, you see we need to have enough room to like fit the camera operators in and the sound guys and the rest of the crew and some lighting stuff and also it looks way better on TV if we have space to move around so we can definitely afford this wicked spacious house. Gotta save the cramped conditions for prisons and ships and stuff. Don’t worry about the rent, dear.”

No shade at all meant on the set. I’m just silly.

“You’ve always said you wanted a real home.” “It certainly is real.” BUT IT'S NOT HOME BECAUSE JAMIE IS HER HOME AND JAMIE ISN'T HERE. *has feelings*

“The study can be wherever the lady of the house desires.” … “The kitchen, where presumably, the lady of the house will be rustling up various appetizing dishes.” Yes, Claire, you’re the lady of the house! You can totally decide where my study is going to be! But lol your place is in the kitchen because you’re a woman and that’s what women do! Fuck you, Frank.

I almost like the handful of scenes where Claire and Frank are getting along on the surface because it’s almost like a window into what their life was like pre-War. And in each instance, I cannot see Claire being happy in that sort of relationship long term even if she hadn’t gone through the stones. Like your cowboy impression is cute, Frank, but your tendency to treat your wife like an accessory instead of a person is not.

That said, WHO THE FUCK CARES BECAUSE IT’S NOT FRANK’S STORY AND WE DON’T NEED TO SEE WHO THEY WERE BEFORE BECAUSE IT’S NOT A STORY ABOUT FRANK AND CLAIRE.

Ok so seeing Claire struggling to light the stove gave me the same feelings the gif did. But seeing her sit on the couch and then see the fireplace I was just like OMG DO IT! DO IT DO IT DO IT! AND SHE FUCKING DID IT! @abreathofsnowandashes’ POST IS BASICALLY CANON AND I LITERALOL’ED WAY TOO HARD.

Claire waxing poetic about food cooked over an open fire is making me feel more feelings than it should.

But seriously her face in reaction to Betty Draper over here is awesome. I need Claire to start a neighborhood group where she turns all the women into massive feminists please and thank you.

“He likes surprises, does he?” “Oh yeah, totally. Last time I surprised him, he almost punched me and then destroyed a shed. So yeah, I’d say he loves them."

Please don’t give Jerry a heart attack, Millie. Claire already had one husband-murdering friend and I think that’s quite enough for one person. Thanks. You’re a peach.

Oh Claire. Oh honey. “Frank is very progressive. Very open-minded.” The look on her face when she says that like she’s trying to convince herself it’s true. Like yes, if you follow all of his conditions, you can stay together and raise the baby. But is it really being open-minded if literally all of his conditions are about you keeping everything locked away so he can go on pretending like everything is back to normal? Or is that just selfish. I’m voting selfish on that one.

“Just cook, clean, raise the kids, look pretty when they meet the boss.” Millie you are literally describing Frank’s ideal wife right now. And I think Claire on some level knows that. RUN AWAY CLAIRE, RUN AWAY! IT’S NOT TOO LATE! THESE ARE ALL THINGS THAT ARE NOT TIME-TRAVEL RELATED! PLEASE WAKE UP AND REALIZE THAT NOT ALL OF YOUR PROBLEMS ARE BECAUSE YOU WENT BACK IN TIME!

Oh her face when Millie says she won’t find another man like Frank. SHE FOUND ONE SO MUCH BETTER AND HE’S NOT DEAD AND SHE’LL GET HIM BACK AND EVERYTHING WILL BE OK AGAIN!

Seriously though. The shots of Claire’s face when they switch back to the Boston side of things. Punch me right in the face with feels why don’t you, show. Like when she’s getting ready to go to Frank’s work thing. That cut from Jamie’s face that’s all full of pain to her face that’s also all full of pain. *sobs quietly* Like this woman is hurting! FFS! Look at everything she went through! Look at everything she lost! And she has no outlet for any of those emotions! And that look of just pain and loneliness and then resignation when Frank calls up to her and quoting Millie… I want to give her a hug and a therapist.

Ok so the scene at Harvard. Thank fuck Frank manages to not be a piece of shit in this scene because I need all my rage for the fucking Dean. I still hate you Frank, but you get a momentary reprieve here. Because this fucking dude needs to be punched in his smug-ass face. Like you’re seriously going to shit on a woman for reading the fucking newspaper?! First of all, don’t fucking ever shit on a woman for reading any-fucking-thing and second of all, your patriarchal bullshit runs so deep you can’t stand a woman reading the most popular newspaper in Boston?! It’s not like she rolled in and was like well I was reading the Atlantic (founded in Boston, what whatttt!) or the Economist or something that your fucking misogynist brain wouldn’t be able to handle. She was literally talking about reading a fucking #HotTake in the fucking local paper.

THAT’S RIGHT CLAIRE, YOU CAN GO TO MED SCHOOL! YOU SHOULD GO TO MED SCHOOL! DO THAT THING AND THEN SURGICALLY DISASSEMBLE THE PATRIARCHY!

Good boy, Frank. Way to stand up for your wife and not suck for once. But remember that little fun fact you just spouted about your wife because that’ll come up again later when I need to yell at you for being a piece of shit.

Omg though. Claire’s face when she says “yes, I’m very happy” is the best “you can go fuck yourself straight to hell” face I’ve ever seen. And grabbing Frank’s hand when she says it is clearly part of that and not like an actual, genuine taking of his hand and he knows that. And I don’t feel bad for him at all in that moment because yeah, he fucking needs that reminder that she’s sitting through this because of him so a tangential fuck you to you, Frank, for bringing me here for this wonderful experience.

"Are you alright? You're very quiet.” “Oh yeah, peachy keen. Just got condescended to for reading a newspaper, was told women were bad at the profession I was born to do and had to pretend to be totally ok with this being my life now. Totally fine.”

For serious, Claire. Your face there. Those feelings you’re feeling. These are not time travel adventure related feelings. These are this life sucks and I hate it feelings. You don’t need to stay here. This is getting super tedious. Frank sucks. Your life with him sucks. You have all this emotional baggage that you have every right to have and no outlet for it. Jamie wouldn’t want you staying in a fucking life that is making you this miserable. The baby hasn’t been born yet, there is still time to bounce before it gets even messier. Argh. Thank fuck there are only two more episodes of this stuff because there are only so many times I can yell JUST GET A FUCKING DIVORCE at the tv.

I felt more feelings than I should have felt at Claire looking at the bird. Like omg Claire’s face as she’s looking at it. Just out there. Being a bird. Doing its bird thing. Being free. YOU COULD BE FREE TOO CLAIRE! GO! BE FREEEEE!

Ok with this tea scene I literally had to google how British people make tea. Like I know I’ve talked about it with people before, like recently, but somehow in my head it wasn’t just like loose in a tin. I can’t even do a proper snarky hashtag about preferring the American way tea is packaged because that would make it seem like I was into a weird sex thing so I guess I’ll just have to blaspheme by saying I like Lipton’s and I’m not sorry.

So Claire likes America because "It's young, it's eager, it's constantly looking toward the future." Or, you could say it's...young, scrappy and hungry! Claire would totally be Hamiltrash. Frank wouldn't be. Fuck you, Frank, it’s a great show. Loosen up, geez.

Ok Frank, why did you go to touch her belly. You clearly know that she doesn’t like that. But you saw an opening when she said it’s “our baby” and you went for it. Like I know you really, really want things to be normal, but fucking don’t proactively touch Claire like that when you know it’s not welcome.

Also, seriously Frank? Have you met Claire? Yes, she’s English. But she grew up fucking all over the world. I don’t think she’s particularly sentimentally attached to the fucking Battle of Hastings. She’s trying to have a conversation with you. She’s opening up. She’s trying to be “normal” with you and share something she’s excited about doing. And your first thing is to question her? Fuck you. You’re a shitty person.

“These are things I fought a war for.” Ok Franky boy. Remember that scene a little bit ago when I said you got a reprieve from my hatred? You know, the one where you found like the singular decent bone in your body and decided to defend Claire for a second? Remember what it was you said? Oh right. SHE WAS A FUCKING COMBAT NURSE YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE. SHE WAS ALSO IN THE WAR. SHE WAS ON THE FUCKING FRONT FUCKING LINES OF THE MOTHERFUCKING WAR. And then guess what?! SHE FUCKING THEN FOUGHT IN ANOTHER WAR! THIS TIME AGAINST THE ENGLISH! AND EVERYONE SHE LOVED DIED! (except not really, hang in there girl) IT’S TOTALLY NORMAL THAT SHE WOULD HAVE CONFLICTED FEELINGS ABOUT ENGLAND AND BE LIKE HEY THIS UNITED STATES PLACE SEEMS OK (*pours one out for the current state of affairs*) I WANT TO MAYBE BE A CITIZEN.

And then this fucker’s like oh it’s something you really want to do? Well you don’t have to because I’ve got it covered. THAT IS NOT THE FUCKING POINT, FRANK! STOP MAKING THIS ABOUT YOU! SHE’S LITERALLY SAYING THAT THIS IS SOMETHING *SHE* WANTS TO DO. WHY ARE YOU SUCH A TWATWAFFLE.

And then he brings in the not letting him touch her shit. Like why couldn’t you have just let this be a fucking normal conversation, Frank. But since you brought it up. Let’s talk about Claire for a minute. Claire is pregnant. Claire was pregnant before. Claire lost her first child. Claire’s current pregnancy is going to result in Jamie’s child. Her fucking last chance to have a part of him in her life. So of course that’s something that’s fucking super emotional and that she’s super protective of. Because she also knows that she can’t fucking tell this child anything about Jamie. Because of your fucking conditions. Like I don’t think you can comprehend how much of a mindfuck that must be, Frank. So maybe don’t fucking touch her stomach if she’s made it clear she doesn’t want you to.

And then! With the fucking unwanted touching. Do you fucking know how many times this woman has been assaulted, Frank?! Hell, the show is not at all explicit that she wasn’t actually raped in the glade in ep. 108. And the deal with the king. And BJR. And the dudes at Leoch. And fucking Dougal. And the gang of dudes in Paris. And ones I’m probably forgetting about. So like if there was ever going to be anyone who might be wicked sensitive about unwanted touching, it’s fucking Claire. BUT GUESS WHAT! AND THIS IS THE KICKER, FRANK! THAT DOESN’T EVEN MATTER BECAUSE IF SOMEONE SAYS THEY DON’T WANT YOU TOUCHING THEM THEN YOU DON’T FUCKING TOUCH THEM IT IS LITERALLY THAT SIMPLE.

And of course she’s retreating into her shell, you fucking asshole. The amount of trauma this woman has gone through with no fucking outlet to deal with it. Of course she’s fucking isolating herself. But instead of being concerned about her and trying to help her, you’re just like omfg but what about meeeee?! Why can’t you just be “normal” for meeee?!

“What is it that you want from me?” “I want to know when you’re going to come back from the fucking past.” Fuuuuuck you, Frank. Because you’re asking when she’s going to go back to being how she was before. Well newsflash, Frank. She’s not. You’re never going to get your pre-War relationship back where Claire was 19 and thought you were the swellest guy. Because that’s what you want here. Stop fucking deluding yourself Frank, there aren’t enough conditions in the world to bring that girl back. So now you have this woman. Who is tearing herself apart from the inside trying to fucking live up to her side of your bullshit bargain. And at every turn you’re like nope, not good enough.

FUCKING PREACH IT. CLAIRE. PREACH.

I fucking love that she throws the ashtray at him because he again reduces what she had with Jamie to fucking. He’s been doing it since last season. He just can’t get his shitty-ass head around the fact that Claire loves Jamie with everything she has. It’s a great parallel to when Claire loses it at Bree in ep. 213 when Bree also says that Claire was just fucking another guy because she was a bored housewife. I fucking love how protective she is of what she has with Jamie.

Seriously though, fuck you Frank. You’re asking her to be something she's not and then blaming her for not doing it well enough. Yes, she should have left you, but you’re also an asshole.

And yeah, Frank didn’t like hogtie her and force her to come to Boston. But Jamie sent her to Frank so she went, all shattered and hollow, to Frank. And Frank was like oh cool, I can get my wife back like nothing ever happened and so yeah, clearly staying together is a great idea. You know, on my terms. Which you’ll agree to because you’re all like shattered and hollow. But Claire, you’re now far enough removed that you SHOULD JUST FUCKING LEAVE BECAUSE THIS IS CLEARLY NOT WORKING AND JAMIE WOULDN’T WANT YOU TO BE THIS FUCKING UNHAPPY. AND GUESS WHAT HE IS ALSO NOT HERE ANYMORE SO YOU TRIED BUT IT’S NOT WORKING AND UGH JUST GET A FUCKING DIVORCE ALREADY.

Gah, we have two more episodes before my best friend in the world, Ms. Ice E. Road, shows up and rids me of my Frank-rage once and for all.

Please for the love of fuck make it once and for all because omfg it’s not Frank’s story and it’s never been Frank’s story so can Frank please just die and stay dead. KThxBai.

*sacrifices a goat that Tobias gets a kickass leading role in something that keeps him unavailable for the foreseeable future*

Why is Frank’s face just giant on the screen. Like why is it still there. It’s still there guys. I’m not even typing that fast and it’s still there. Make it go away.

Ok I’m calling bullshit here. There is no way in fuck that house doesn’t have a second bedroom. Like if you aren’t sleeping in Claire’s bed, go to the fucking guest room. You get no pity from me for all the noise that comes with sleeping on the couch.

Ok like we knew they were keeping in Frank’s request to the reverend to research Jamie because Roger and Bree find it in ep. 213 and that’s how they know he’s alive. But in all my feelings about ep. 213, I forgot that it meant that I still get to hate Frank for doing it. But luckily there’s a scene in this episode where he starts writing the original letter! So fuck you, Frank, for being so shitty to Claire about not talking about her time in the past, but you’ll write to your buddy to research it!

Although I definitely don’t like that it’s the reverend’s research that let’s them know Jamie survived. Because that means Frank is kind of responsible for it. But at least they nixed the stupid placing a fake headstone bullshit. Still no brownie points for you, Frank.

I’m glad that Frank finds out about the miscarriage but doesn’t get details about Faith. Like oh hey, here’s another detail about how my life with Jamie was real and loving and yeah, we lost a child together and it was traumatic af so just get that through your head. But also it’s such a personal thing between her and Jamie that I really don’t want Frank to get all the details.

“I’m sorry I didn't tell you about the miscarriage.” “None of that matters now.” Frank you could have picked literally any other set of words. Any other words to get your point across besides “it doesn't matter.” Because I know you're talking about Claire not telling you and not the miscarriage itself, but she's talking about her first daughter. Who matters a great deal.

I HATE THIS DOCTOR WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK ARE THEY ALLOWED TO DO THAT IS THAT EVEN LEGAL DO I NEED TO GO DOWN A RABBITHOLE AND FIND THIS OUT WHERE IS THE CALL THE MIDWIFE CREW WHEN YOU NEED THEM SORRY FOR JOKING WHEN WHAT THE DOCTOR DID TO CLAIRE IS 1000% UNACCEPTABLE.

Omfg I cannot even imagine waking up and not knowing where your baby is or if they’re alive or dead. I definitely can’t imagine going through that twice. Like omfg when you put it next to Faith, it’s just like *ugly cries*.

“I’ve been so horrible to you.” But have you, Claire? Because I’m pretty sure you’ve been doing the best you can. And Frank’s been making you feel like you’ve been horrible. Because he’s a shitty, shitty person. But seriously. You should have left him. But it’s kind of too late now because apparently you both seem to think Bree will somehow make everything better. Right. Definitely. That’s totally going to be what happens.

*only two more episodes of this, only two more episodes of this*

“Where’d she get the red hair?” Bless you, rando nurse. Blesss.

[theepolynesian]

Together Again

Summary: Thranduil is brought to your world and vice-versa.

Pairing: Thranduil x Reader

Word Count: 2,756

Master Lists: Drabbles/Imagines, and Completed Series

Requested by: 

     @annajolras:  May I request a lil story? Thranduil x reader where he is swept into the 'real world' (modern au) and reader (very short, like 5'4") shows him around and stuff.... fluff please😘 I love your writing❤❤ thank you xxx

     Anon: Hello! I love all your work so I'd figured I would try a request... A nerdy lord of the rings/hobbit fan from are world gets pulled into middle earth by the Valar to change the outcome of the battle of five army's? Feel free to run with it however you'd like!

A/n: sorry that it’s shit.

You look at the man at your front steps with a shocked face. You had to be dreaming. That was the only explanation. Well the only plausible explanation as to why, The Elvenking Thranduil was standing at your door. That has to be it.

“You are a very amazing Thranduil cosplayer, but Halloween is not for another three months,” you say, raising your brow at the man.

He could pass as Lee Pace’s twin that's for sure including height. 6’5” was damn tall. Anything above your 5’4” stature was tall to you.

“I do not understand your words, human. What exactly is cosplay and Halloween?”

“VERY funny. I didn't think you were that dense,” you say, rolling your eyes as a force of habit.

“You dare speak to me like that?” he booms and you back away, afraid.

He sighs, rubbing his forehead.

“Can you just tell me where I am?. One minute I was in my throne room the next I'm in this area that I do not recognize with houses more exquisite than Gondor,” he explains and you sigh.

Maybe this was actually Thranduil and for some reason the Valar had sent him here.

You needed to get to the bottom of this.

A few hours and a couple of shots of vodka later, you finally finished explaining everything to the King.

“So I don’t know how you got here, but I think you’ll just have to wait it out and you can do that here. But now it’s time for bed. I have a guest room and extra clothes inside there as well. You cannot be walking around in a dress,” you say.

“It’s a dress robe,” Thranduil argues.

“Whatever it is, it doesn’t fit in,” you say, standing and leading him to his bedroom, “we can talk about the rest of it in the morning.”

You make your way to your room and get into bed, staring at the ceiling.

What the hell were you supposed to do?

-

“Y/n!” You hear and you immediately shoot out of your bed, now wide awake, running to the source.

Thranduil did not seem like an elf who would yell for no reason so there had to be something wrong. You may have just met the elf but you got protective easily.

You pause in the bedroom doorway as you realize that Thranduil was in no trouble at all.

He was simply staring at the TV with wide amazed eyes.

Your panic settles into a bout of anger.

“Are you dying or something?” You ask irritably.

“How did those people get into the box? Why are they in a box?” He asks panicked.

You sigh.

“It’s a thing called television. Cameras captures a moving an image and they project it to the television. The thing that you’re watching now.”

“But are they really that small?”

“No. They’re normal sized men. The image is downsized to fit the screen. Now can you please get dressed? I don’t have any groceries so we have to go out to eat.”

Making your way down the stairs, you think about the elvenking and how out of character he seemed.

In the movie, he was cold and calculating, in the book he wasn’t as bad, but a very concerned elf king was not what you were expecting. Especially concern for those not of his race.

You make a cup of coffee and wait for the king to make an appearance.

You can’t help but choke as you see him in tight jeans, a white shirt and a read and black flannel with a man bun.

JFC he rocked that man bun.

“Are you alright?” he asks.

“Yes. Why do you ask?” you reply a bit sharply.

“You choked.”

“Did not.”

“Elves have very good hearing. You choked.”

You shrug.

“Never thought you would wear a bun.”

His hand reaches out to touch his hair.

“Yes. Well, I saw it on your image thing and I thought it would be best to try and fit in.”

You look him over and notice his pointed ears. You needed to fix it because pointy ears were very suspicious. You walk up to the king and pull a few strands loose so that it’ll cover his ears.

“Do you always touch those above you?” he breathes and you roll your eyes at his haughtiness, ignoring the closeness.

“You are my equal in this realm. I am neither below or above you,” you retort.

He raises his brow.

“I meant people taller than you,” he says and you pause before laughing.

That earns a smile from him.

“I really need to stop being so uptight, don’t I?” you ask him, stepping back.

He shrugs, giving you a small smile.

“Maybe.”

You laugh again.

“Let’s go, princess,” you say and he lets out a chuckle before you both leave the house.

-

When you went shopping with the King, you did not expect it to be such an amazing day.

Contrary to popular belief, he was rather nice and funny and so carefree. He cracked quite a few jokes and you had fell for him hard within a space of one day. You didn’t want him to leave.

“So elves are things that help this santa person and they’re actually really small with bells?” Thranduil asks as you walk into your house, arms filled with groceries.

“Yes. They are supposedly the ones who make the toys to deliver to children,” you explain.

“How degrading,” he says, placing the groceries on the counter.

You watch him unload the groceries with a smile on your face.

You wanted this. You wanted someone you could settle down with. Someone you could go shopping with, laugh with, play around with. Someone who would love you as much as you would love them. You know you shouldn’t be getting attached, but you couldn’t help it. He’s an amazing guy with an amazing personality.

“What is it?”

You shake your head and look at him with a sad smile on your face.

“Nothing, princess. Let’s just get dinner started.”

You’re not really surprised to find him gone the next day as if he wasn’t even there in the first place, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt like a bitch.

-

It takes you months to get over him. Although you’ve watched him on the big screen many times, it was not the same as it was talking to him in person. The Thranduil on the screen was not your Thranduil.

After watching BOTFA all the way through for the first time, you decide to hit the sheets. You were missing him again and a sad Thranduil just made you more sad. You just wish you could see him again.

Orcs. Dragons. Dwarves. Wizards.

That’s all you could dream about.

It’s not the first time that you’ve dreamed about it, definitely not, but this one was different.

In this dream, you were a part of the battle of the five armies. You saved the Durin’s lives and you were finally reunited with Thranduil.

You didn’t want this dream to end, but it does as soon as you start falling.

You didn’t understand how you could be falling when you were lying in your bed but you are and it seems to go on and on and on.

You let out an oomph as you finally land on the ground, knocking the wind out of you.

It was extremely cold for some reason. Last you checked, it was summer. A very HOT summer.

You slowly open your eyes and gone was the night replaced by day.

You hear clashing swords making you confused.

It was the 21st century. Who used swords?

Slowly, you sit up and take in the scene around you. It’s then that you realize that you were no longer in earth.

You were in Middle Earth.

Quickly standing, you look around for a weapon as an orc charges at you.

You make for the sword that was conveniently there and stab the orc before it has a chance to stab you. Those fencing classes were finally useful.

“Lass! What the hell are you doing here?” you hear and you turn to find Dwalin, Thorin, Fili and Kili.

“It’s not like it was on purpose. Believe me, it was an accident!” you reply.

“An accident?” Thorin rumbles looking you over, “what in Durin’s name are you wearing?”

“Now is not the time. We are in the middle of a war, if I’m not mistaken and you are about to be led into a trap,” you say, not really feeling like it was the time to explain a tank top and sweatpants.

“What do you mean trap?” Fili asks.

“Thorin was about to send the both of you to those towers to see if Azog was there. He is even though it doesn’t seem like it and he traps you and you die alone which is a pretty shitty way to die if I do say so myself,” you inform them.

When you realized that Fili dies alone, you were absolutely livid. Thorin had Bilbo and Kili had Tauriel and there was no one for Fili and you absolutely hated it.

“Why should we listen to a human that seemingly appears out of nowhere wearing naught but her underwear?” Thorin growls as you all spring into action, killing more orcs.

“Because it is true. If you just used your common sense, you would realize that it was a trap, but you didn’t and it got your nephews killed and that Thorin Oakenshield is not going to happen on my watch,” you growl out.

Thorin looks at you before nodding.

“We will stay together and live to fight another day,” he says and you let out a sigh of relief.

At least he was coming to his senses.

The five of you continue fighting with Bilbo joining halfway through with Legolas and Tauriel right behind him.

Thorin soon faces off with Azog and you were preparing for the last life you were supposed to save.

Azog plunges into the water and you notice that Thorin is following his body floating down the stream.

“Thorin stay away!” you shout and he looks at you confused before looking down again.

You sigh at the stupid king. You decide that the only thing that could save him now was a tackle to the ground and so you tackle him.

Not even a second later, Azog pops out of the ice with a shout.

You roll off of Thorin and the both of you immediately bring your swords up, stabbing Azog in the chest not once, but twice at the same time.

You just killed the pale orc with Thorin right beside you. What?

Ignoring your train of thought, you and Thorin both push Azog off of you and you just lay there for a few seconds, trying to gather your scattered brain.

“Is she dead?” you hear.

“Perfectly fine. Just need time to reevaluate my life.”

“Are you finally going to explain who you are and where you come from?” Thorin asks, offering you his hand. You look at it before looking at his face.

“It’s going to take a while,” you say.

“Thanks to you, I now have all the time in the world,” he says and you take his hand and then the coat that he offers you.

You explain to him every detail possible as you are joined by the company one-by-one.

“So now wait a minute lass. You’re from another world and you were brought here completely by accident?” Bofur asks and you nod, standing quickly as you realize that Thranduil must be here as well.

“Where is Thranduil?” you ask, looking at the dwarves.

“The elf ponce?” Dwalin asks.

You roll your eyes.

“Yes. The very same,” you say.

“Y/n?” you hear and you slowly turn around, immediately recognizing the voice.

There in front of you is the elf that you grew to love. He looked older. Much older and there was blood splattered across his face and he looked absolutely exhausted.

You finally remember that he was here to look for Legolas or rather his body. You knew that Legolas would still be alive at the end of The Hobbit but it still made your heart hurt to think that Thranduil was losing the only thing he had left from his wife.

“Princess!” you exclaim, running towards him and leaping into his arms.

He catches you easily and immediately wraps his arms around you, burying his face into your hair.

“I missed you so much,” he whispers and you pull back with a laugh.

“It’s only been three months, Princess, but I missed you too,” you say and he looks at you confused.

“It’s been three thousand years, y/n.”

You frown. That made no sense at all.

“I would like to explain it to you without listening ears,” he says, glaring at something in the back of you.

You turn to find Thorin holding up his hands in defense.

“We get it. We’ll leave you two alone,” and with that the company makes their way down the hill with Bilbo’s hand clasped in Thorin’s. Your OTP finally gets to become cannon!

You take a seat on one of the staircases, trying to process this information.

“So if three thousand years have passed, that means I met you in the year three thousand three hundred eighty two of the second age, meaning your father was still alive and you were still a prince,” you say, gathering all of your Tolkien knowledge.

Thranduil nods in confirmation.

“I was indeed still a prince. I had nothing to my name,” he replies and you raise your brows at the obvious lie.

“Well nothing important to my name. No son or wife. Just me and my father and his kingdom. It wasn’t until after the throne was handed to me that I found my wife, Lilliana. I was hoping beyond all hope that I would see you again and I wanted to wait for you. I wanted to I really did, but duty called and I found a wife. A wife that I loved just as much as I loved you. A wife that made me happy just like you did in the space of one day. A wife that-.”

“Died protecting your son,” you say, interrupting him and he looks at you for a second, wondering how you knew all of this information.

You had skipped telling him about the Hobbit films and books. You didn’t want to change something which is kind of ridiculous now that you thought about it. You wanted to avoid giving him information that would change the timeline, but here you were changing the timeline yourself. Ridiculous.

“That she did,” he replies and you sigh.

“What are we doing Thranduil? We’ve known each other for one day and yet we fell in love.”

“And here we are, after three thousand years of being apart, finally confessing our feelings for each other. I don’t know about you, but I think this was meant to happen.”

You look at the prince turned king.

“But what if I get taken back just like you had all those years back. I don’t think I can handle being in love with you only for it to be ripped apart once again,” you tell him truthfully.

“I do not believe that that’s going to happen again. It was no coincidence that were brought to each other, twice. Absolutely none and I just want to be happy again with you by my side.”

You smile at him.

You could finally settle down and start a family, something you never really dreamed about until you met him. You can finally be happy again.

“And I want to be by your side until death do us part.”

He places a kiss on your forehead.

“Nothing is ever going to tear us apart ever again.”

Forever Tag List: @miss-mcbotty @sdavid09 @why-pace-why@emilyymichelle @bee-wrecker @raisaioana71 @clockworkfall @dracsgirl @imaginesreblogged @whatthehellisacastiel @brewsthespirit-blog @angstflaff  @nelswp @savvythedork

Hobbit Tag List: @jotink78 @arabellaelliana @legolas-bromance @thealbersclan @youtubehelpsmesurvive @annajolras @sapphire110611 @filmozerca

[chaoticrice]

@skystones @the-caniderp  (it won’t let me tag youu)

WOW this is long overdue I AM SO SORRY.

Under a cut cause I write too much

Q. Quote three bits of writing you read this year. Can be your writing, or not.

·         “You promised dancers,” he says, his voice low, and she feels the flush spread on her cheeks.  “I only expect one.”

 – From chrio by seventhe  https://archiveofourown.org/works/10877289

“Let me give you some counsel, bastard,“ Lannister said. “Never forget what you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.“

Jon was in no mood for anyone's counsel. “What do you know about being a bastard?“

“All dwarfs are bastards in their father's eyes.“

- From “A Game of Thrones” by George R.R. Martin

He laughed, and it was a cold, angry sound, but his fear crept like smoke past the laugh. And somewhere, somewhere a spark of hope that he wished he could stifle. "I failed you? I don't owe you anything. You should never have gotten your hopes up."

- From “Balance” by  CaptainArwenPond221B   http://archiveofourown.org/works/13027908/chapters/29798457

T. Themes

Themes from “The Burden of Rule”

1. Change:

How things have changed after the war, and how things have not.

Larsa wishes to change Archades into a society that is more understanding and loving towards foreigners in a post-war Ivalice, and he has visions of a multicultural Archades in the future. He wants to take the focus off of gaining status and reputation, and he wishes to decrease the class divide. (BASICALLY, Larsa wants to change everything. What an ambitious boy.)

Larsa is very different from Emperors of the past, and the Senate is having difficulty adjusting to the “radical” ways of their new emperor.

Penelo’s entire world changes when she is appointed Ambassador, of course.

2. Truth and Deceit:

Archades is a city of curious knowledge-seekers, and Penelo finds herself influenced by them, developing an investigative nature.

The news businesses twist the truth in favour of their own interests, as well as the interests of their respective districts. Rumours are spread about Larsa.

Penelo learns the balancing act of giving out the right info, while keeping the info that others can use to hurt her.

Penelo learns unspeakable truths that were hidden for a long time.

3. Unity and Division:

“In cooperation lies our hope.” – Larsa Ferrinas Solidor

Larsa wishes to strengthen Archadia’s relationship with Dalmasca, and Rozarria.

The formation of the new district, called Orbon, aka the reconstructed Old Archades, has reunited the “vulgars” of Old Archades with their loved ones in the city.

After spending the last few years isolated, Larsa finally reunites with his friends in Dalmasca, and eventually others.

The ever growing divide between Larsa’s ideals, and the Senate.

Archades is divided into districts, and each district has different opinions on Larsa. Some are heavily against, some are in support, and some are mixed (much like swing states in the U.S!) Because of this, when word gets out about Larsa’s bill, all hell breaks loose, and Larsa feels AWFUL for dividing his city.

The class and racial divides

4. Identity and Belonging:

Larsa struggles with his identity as a leader, whether he should compromise, or follow what he feels is right. As the last remaining member of House Solidor, there is no family to follow anymore, and he must make a new place for himself in Archadia’s history.

Penelo has always seen herself on the streets of Rabanastre, struggling to make ends meet, dancing with her troupe until she can dance no more. But now that the war is over, and the years have passed, Penelo finds herself at a loss for what to fight for, and grows bored with only providing entertainment. She looks to the mysterious and powerful world of government and politics in search of a purpose beyond her current understanding.

5. The Importance of Self-Value:

Larsa overworks himself in pursuit of his goals, neglecting both his mental and physical health, and Penelo will point out to him many times that he needs to remember to take care of himself.

Larsa and Penelo both feel like they are not good enough/ not worthy of their positions of power, and they each help the other realise that they are wrong.

 Themes of “The Mediator”

1.       Letting go of the past/ new beginnings

2.       Finding similarities with someone you least expect. Is that a theme? Something about bringing together two people from different nations… unity? Peace???

U. Any stories that took an abrupt u-turn from where you thought they were going?

THE BURDEN OF RULE, JFC. It was originally about the liberation of Landis, what a stupid idea right??? Lolololol  But now it makes sense why in the current incarnation of the story, I have crammed many Landisians in Archades’ new district, Orbon. Some of it had to survive - too bad my lesbian Landisian judge and her sky pirate/terrorist brother didn’t. I liked them. Maybe I can cram them into the story as minor characters Penelo gets info from. IDK.

OH. AND PENELO WASN’T AN AMBASSADOR. WTF WHEN DID I PUT THAT IN??? It’s been three years, man.

At some point I played with the idea of an impeachment storyline. I still do. I just love the idea of the Senate putting Larsa on trial for something. I get delicious shivers, and I think about the scene in FFX when Yuna is on trial.

Some things have remained: the decline in Larsa’s mental health, the panic attack scene, and Larsa vs. the Senate. Wow I am shameless when it comes to giving out spoilers.

V. Which story was the most viscerally pleasing to write? Tell us your narrative kinks.

The Burden of Rule, mainly because I’VE BEEN WAITING THREE YEARS TO FINALLY DO IT.

ANYWAYS… I’m a dialogue slut, so narrative has never been my thing. Butttt, if I had to choose, it would be INTERIOR MONOLOGUES. That’s the good shit. Any scene where Larsa is thinking about how inferior he is/ how much he hates himself, just makes me feel so satisfied.

Things like:

               Leave it to him to bore a girl to sleep.

               AND:

               “My Lord,” he warned, and Larsa turned his head to face him, “I advise we depart shortly if you wish to arrive before nightfall.”

Time is running short.

“She will be here; I am sure of it.” Larsa succeeded in keeping his voice calm, despite his increased heart rate.

Why must Basch always worry? Larsa did not need someone else to worry for him.

He directed his gaze downward so that all he could see was the floor, his own crossed arms, and his chest. He became increasingly aware of how shallow his breathing had become. Perhaps he could try to slow it down…

But there was no time for that.

She will not show.

Of course not; why would she? No one as pure as her would taint themselves in the twisted world of Archadian politics willingly. Penelo was no fool, unlike him. He was the only fool here, to think for a second that she would actually show up. The war may be over, but he was sure Penelo’s memories of it remained. He would not blame her if she wanted nothing to do with this…

 Z. If you could choose one work and immediately finish it, what would it be? How would you end it?

·         Like… with no effort? Like POOF, here’s your story? If that’s that case, then “Discreet” for sure. Ya’ll don’t know about “Discreet.” It was a sexy oneshot I made in my head about Penelo meeting a middle aged Dalmascan/Archadian woman who owns the only sex shop in Archades. (I headcanoned Archades as having a culture where sex is a dirty subject no one with respect talks about openly. Kids are taught abstinent-only bullshit. That kinda shit. The sex shop is in the new district, tucked away in some dark corner lol. Oh yeah, and it’s called “Discreet” lololol) So this had newly established Larnelo, and Penelo asks sex shop lady for advice on how to seduce an Archadian man, because Penelo is thirsty and Larsa is shy as hell and is not getting the hint. Oh yeah, and he might be demisexual. Obviously, this was gonna be femdom. Cause I love me some femdom.

AND I ACTUALLY STARTED WRITING IT, but… much like Larsa… I am shy. When it comes to. The sexy.  >___>

Oh yeah it ends with Penelo getting laid, obviously. XD

[shirtlesssammy]

All Along the Watchtower: Just Stab Me with an Angel Blade Recap

Then:

Just as Cas has faith in the nephilim, we have faith this season was worth it. Carry on….

Now:

Our beautiful, blue-eyed angelic wavelength of celestial intent stares wondrously at Chuck’s mighty creation. It’s a sight to behold, and the mountains aren’t bad either. (I’ll be here all night!)

He turns from nature’s great view and heads towards a little run-down house, where Kelly Kline is inside struggling with her latest Ikea purchase, a new bed for her angelbaby. Cas finds her and reminds her that he said he’d put it together. “I’m very good at following instructions.” Lolz. Kelly is having pre-baby -Oh, right, this thing is going to kill me- jitters.  Cas reassures her that he will do whatever it takes to raise this baby.

Meanwhile, at Casa Bunker, Dean, Sam, and Mary are all reeling from the fact that Lucifer walks the Earth. They thought they almost had it all, but then got renewed for season 13. They blame Crowley (justly) for this current mess, but Crowley is dead. Dean will believe that cockroach is dead when he sees the body (crying small tears in the corner). Cue Night of the Living Dead hand and our favorite King of Hell emerging from his grave! Our strong predictions that Crowley smoked out to the nearby rat was spot-on. 

RAGE ALERT

JFC, show. Like will you ever fucking learn how to kill your women correctly (or maybe stop)? Boris is firmly in the camp that Rowena is not dead….or at least is 10 steps ahead of the game. Because this was a load of bullshit how she died. Rowena (and Ruthie!) deserved better than an off-screen death. Tl;dr: Lucifer killed Rowena, burned her to a crisp, and kept a lock of her hair. The boys call her and get Luci on the line instead. Sammy, I’m sorry you had to talk to that monster.

Cas and Kelly are back from a Target run. Cas, after learning that Everybody Poops, bought the store out of diapers. 

Classic dialog Alert:

Kelly:I’m just saying, the checkout guy looked at us like we were super weird.

Cas:You get used to it.

CAS!

Kelly then has a mini-contraction and while Cas helps her back to the house, she brushes the side of the truck leaving some babygrace behind.

At the bunker, Dean points out that they can’t kill or imprison Lucifer. Sam suggests finding Cas and Kelly, and keep them on the move before the baby is born. Mary wonders how they track Cas and Kelly. Sam exposits that anytime a nephilim is born, things get weird.

Cut to Cas heading to his backyard, and a glowing crack in space and time. He reaches out to touch it (WHY CAS WHY?), and gets sucked into an alternate world, where the sky flashes red, the wind blows grey dust, and the world is a barren wasteland of impaled bodies on spikes and ominous distant mountains. 

Cas is almost taken out by a horned demon, before he’s rescued by a familiar face.

Kelly records a video for her unborn child. More contractions!

At the bunker, research is slow. Sam makes it clear that “whatever this thing is going to be, it’s going to be big and bad.” In pops Crowley! “You rang? Hello boys.”

POW! Dean pops Crowley, knocking him out of his chair. Dean wants to kill him for letting Luci go, but Sam interjects. He might know the cage spell. It’s then then they not so ceremoniously break the bad news to Crowley that his dead mum is not dead. It’s here that Crowley admits some -only people who are going to die soon- truths. “I wanted to win. I perverted Mother’s spell, put Lucifer in a vessel of my own making because I wanted to win.” He was tired of others vying for his throne. One problem though: He hates it. He’ll always bet on the Winchesters though, and wants to make a deal: He’ll seal the gates of Hell, provided he stays Earth-side.

You know Kelly’s in serious contraction mode when she calls out for Cas using “Castiel.”

Sam locates a house in the Pacific Northwest rented out to one “James Novak”. Ah, I see Cas didn’t stick with his super smooth aliases then. The Winchesters are on the trail!

Meanwhile, Doula Castiel is coaching his expectant patient through the still very far apart pressure waves. (Ngl, I’m here for all the doula Cas AU fics. I need something fluffy this summer, damnit!) He took the class online, guys! 

Kelly asks Cas again when the nephilim showed him. He saw a world without pain or hunger or want (kind of like the world Amara wanted? Hmm.) It is a world without fear or suffering or hate. He saw paradise.

The throaty rumble of the Impala sounds outside and Castiel rushes downstairs to greet Dean, Sam, and Mary. (Boris notes: Cas only greets Dean.) “Is this place warded?” Dean demands. It’s gotta be strong enough to hold off Lucifer.

Dean’s pissed and promises to work out their issues later (sobs). Cas warns them that Kelly can’t be moved; she’s having the baby RIGHT NOW DUDES. Mary rushes off to check on her, for she is also a member of the childbirth sucks club.

They run through their options. Cas likely can’t channel the child’s powers to toast Lucifer. Dean grumbles at his bum knee and Cas rolls his eyes, stretches out his hand, and heals him.

There’s a crackling yellow flare to Dean’s healing cut that is so minute…but I fervently believe it will factor into Castiel’s resurrection in Season 13. Nephilim power, baby! I have faith, my friends, and I am like THIS close to writing the Gospel of Cas this summer, you have no idea.

The Winchesters and Cas head outside and spot the “tear in space and time” - so named and identified thanks to The Doctor Castiel. “Like Narnia?” Dean asks. No, Dean. (You can’t stop me from picturing Dean and Mr. Tumnus having tea.) The nephilim’s power, Cas explains, punctured the fabric of the universe. Cas leads them through the tear to Dark!Verse. He identifies it as a horrific reality where Earth is in the latter years of a grinding apocalypse - demons and angels fighting each other and humanity all but extinguished. Sam’s curious how Cas figured out all of the fine print out and Cas says, mysteriously, “a friend told me.”

Castiel assures them that the nephilim will close the gap when he is born. “I have faith,” he tells them. (Me: rubs hands at Castiel’s even more firmly entrenched faith once that nephilim gets him resurrected amirite?)

“Well then you’re a dumbass,” Dean says, like a dumbass.

The Mysterious Figure approaches and whips off his scarf. It’s Darkverse!Bobby! While I wish it’d been a long dead female character, it is nice to see Jim Beaver again. (Boris interjects: Jim Beaver has been in every season of Supernatural. I’m glad we get to see him again!)

Bobby doesn’t know Dean and Sam because those two crazy kids were never born in that reality - and therefore never stopped the apocalypse. Bobby mentions hearing the Winchester name from a dead hunter he knew, Mary Campbell, who often went on about her dead lover when drunk. (If Mary hadn’t made the deal, you guys, we’d be looking at DEATH SPIKES. I’d like to personally shake Andrew Dabb’s hand for this move. Mary, may you learn to accept your mistakes and move on.)

Back at the house Kelly’s getting close to giving birth. She mourns her impending death but excuses it by saying she would die for her son. Kelly, I’m so glad you developed some agency at the end, even though you’re toast. Mary and Kelly bond over martyrdom and motherhood, which is definitely healthy and normal.

Back in Dark!verse, Bobby boasts that he “usually guns down flyboys on sight” with his angel blade bullets. Dean’s eyes light up at a new toy only to have Cas throw him the most exasperated OH MY GOD DEAN look. Oh Cas, we’ll take care of you. (By lassoing writers and forcing them to resurrect you and give you a cat.)

TFW blasts through the tear again only to be confronted by Crowley, who has managed to wriggle out of the (rather feeble) demon blade trap. He offers to help.

Up at the house, childbirth is shitty. Cas knocks at the door and asks to speak to Kelly alone. He reassures Kelly, reminding her of his paradise vision (which I’m really not sure whether I can believe or if he’s just lying to her to ease her through death). 

“Cas has faith in this kid,” Dean notes to Sam but as for himself, “I have faith in us. You, me, mom, Cas, and Crowley…sometimes.” They walk outside to face Lucifer.

“Chuck will stop you,” Sam says. (Oh, honey, no he won’t.)

“Every time I look at this sad trash fire of a world, you know what I keep thinking?” Lucifer asks. “I could do so much better.” (<– Me: breathlessly parallels this to Cas’s “sad, doomed little world” speech and how Cas is SO GOOD and also the nephilim’s inevitable journey towards embracing free will)

The rumble starts, Cas gets knocked aside immediately, and Sam and Dean run off. The Winchesters lead Lucifer to the universe tear and Lucifer happily follows them through. Lucifer gets cornered by Sam and Dean, who levels Darkverse!Bobby’s angel killing machine gun at him. “Say hello to my little friend,” Dean actually, literally says.

It…doesn’t work. But it does hold him off for a while so Sam and Crowley can work the spell to lock Lucifer in the Mad Max wasteland. While Dean is getting the snot beaten out of him, Crowley heads off to grab a life sacrifice to heal the rift. Specifically, Crowley is going to use his own life to seal the rift. 

And…Crowley sparks out with a final, “Bye, boys.” Dean and Sam hesitate at the portal when Cas bursts through and runs after Lucifer with his angel blade drawn. Oh, Castiel, you didn’t get the memo? (bites nails)

Back at the house, Kelly screams and then begins to glow as the nephilim, aka “baby cannon” as someone hilariously termed it, is born.

Dean and Sam emerge back into their own universe and the tear begins to close as Castiel, on the other side, knifes Lucifer in the gut.

Cas burst through the portal. WHEW just in time, right? Only…

^^^ Fandom right now ^^^

Fucking Lucifer knifes Cas in the back (in the same way Billie was killed by Cas earlier in the season…More disconcerting parallels).

I mean, this hurts so bad that I had to stop this recap. Just. CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS!

Cas falls to the ground. Solidly.

“Points for trying, super impressed,” Lucifer says. Mary approaches, slips on two sets of Enochian warded brass knuckles, and cracks Lucifer in the face. 

Mary. Fucking. Winchester everyone.

She punches Lucifer to the tear and then pushes him through it, pulled in by him at the last minute. The tear heals. Mary is trapped in Dark!Verse with Lucifer. (Reminding everyone that a whole legion of angels is about to descend on that area. An injured Lucifer scampers off and Mary is ushered to safety by Bobby. Right? Right. We’ll do a reality-jumping spell next season to go save her.)

“No no no no no,” says Dean, one hand held up to where his mother disappeared and the other towards the ground at the prone body of Castiel. No no no no no is right, Dean.

Sam looks at Castiel then back at the flickering lights of the house. Sam runs inside to the nephilim, leaving Dean to kneel at the side of his best friend (and the love of his life). Dean looks up to Heaven where I SWEAR TO GOD he is going to pray to Chuck for the first time ever and my heart is going to break again. (As positive as I am at Castiel’s resurrection this scene actually makes me a little nauseous.)

Sam heads inside and finds Kelly dead on the bed. He hears a noise from the other room and finds, in the baby’s room near the apple tree mural, a young man huddled in the corner. His eyes glow golden in the gloom.

*Flails*

And for those following along, I’d like to close with these cherry-picked lines from T.S. Eliot’s “Little Gidding”

We die with the dying:

See, they depart, and we go with them.

We are born with the dead:

See, they return, and bring us with them.

What we call the beginning is often the end

And to make an end is to make a beginning.

The end is where we start from.

Quotes from Bizarro World:

If you ask me if I have the quarter inch allen wrench one more time I am going to come down there and burn your giant Viking junk yard of a store to the ground.

I’m very good at following instructions.

Everybody poops.

This is what you do when I’m not here? Type?

Can you flame on again?

It’s a bizarro world.

Supernatural wasn’t real. And you were Polish.

Wait, angel killing bullets? Awesome.

You big, beautiful, lumbering piles of flannel.

[moiraineswife]

can we have some elandras headcanons please??

.....yes friend. yes you can. @pterodactylichexameter is this little polyship’s co-parent, I cannot mention elandras without mentioning Alicia too. They’re very dear to both of us so pretty much...everything I’m saying here is from both of us. There you go. 

Okay. In...a sort of order (ignoring certain canon facts such as ‘Andras can’t technically control his transformation into a wolf’ because yes he can don’t say such things about my son, it’s vitally important. Ahem): 

Landras background!: 

So in this......totally canon, definitely what’s happening, no sadness here idea Andras is...Mighty fine. Totally fine. 100% fine. Nothing to see here folks. Ahem, anyway. He and Lucien have been having casual sex/suppressing genuine feelings for each other for a few decades and then he....has a near miss in the mortal realm. Nearly gets shot and skinned by some stubborn, serious human girl with an ash arrow I mean, traumatic stuff. 

He’s fine though, totally fine. So he wanders back over the wall and Lucien being Lucien has a Moment much like the....you’re my mate thing except it’s with ‘I love you’ instead. Which has been coming for decades (Andras’ sentries are truly sick of walking in on the two of them...fucking but also cuddling like ur so married pls just admit it to yourselves) anyway. 

So yes there’s a beautiful scene in the woods surrounding the Spring Court in which Lucien confesses his love for Andras and then there is hugging and kissing and probably sex. Then more cuddling. And hair stroking. And nose kisses. And ‘don’t you ever do that to me ever again’s. It’s lovely. And sweet. And mushy. And a nice counterpoint to the ‘don’t you dare cross that wall and put yourself in danger Andras, I need you even if I can’t say I do’ scene that happened before Andras had his...minor scare in the mortal world. 

ANYWAY. Lucien and Andras are now really happy boyfriends together and Andras....takes care of Lucien after the UtM stuff (because jfc someone has to) He tends to his injuries and gives him someone to talk to and hold him when he’s upset and he’s just...a good, very good. Tamlin isn’t as bad because Andras is...gigantic and can restrain him but is also very mellow and reassuring so he calms him down and stops Lucien suffering as much. And Ianthe doesn’t even look at my boy the wrong way because Andras gets...teeny bit protective and possessive (which turns Lucien on like there’s no tomorrow, incidentally) The moral of the story is: Andras makes everything better. I’m so glad he’s alive and well. Ahem 

Then something a bit....unexpected happens in that...Lucien skips over to Hybern with Tamlin (listen, Andras is a wonderful, wonderful boy but even he cannot prevent this) and Elain is Made and he has the whole ‘you’re my mate’ thing and....Flips out a little bit when she’s taken away. Then he goes back to the Spring Court and the whole ‘my newly Made mate is in an enemy court, one I know to have a sadistic, terrifying reputation and there’s nothing I can do about it’ angst is compounded by the whole ‘my beautiful wolf boyfriend is here but I have a mate what am I going to do???’ 

The answer, friends, is polyamory. (Eventually)

Initially Lucien just...loses it a little bit. and does what Lucien does best when he’s losing it: he pretends that he’s not. He pretends everything is just a-okay, he is fine, he’s delighted. Feyre’s home! Look at that. Isn’t that fantastic. I definitely don’t have a mate trapped in the Night Court DEFINITELY NOT. Andras, however, is not as...willfully dickish and ignorant as Tamlin is and he actually...takes note that all is not well with his little red fire-bean. 

After...a lot of ‘therapeutic’ sex and...even more therapeutic cuddling (and tender hair stroking) Andras coaxes the truth out of him - that he has a mate, that she’s in a foreign court amongst enemies on the other side of this war and Lucien is losing his mind over this, he has no idea what to do. Things go...very quiet for a moment and then Andras asks Lucien what he wants, forget the war, forget Tamlin, Hybern, Feyre’s deception, all of it. What does he want? Lucien admits that...he wants her safe and he’d like to get to know her but...

He goes a little red here and glances up at Andras because Awkward. But Andras just hushes him and tells him softly that this is his mate, he has to at least get to know her, give it a chance, mates are so rare and he’s found his and that’s, that’s great. He almost manages to keep any trace of bitterness from his voice. Almost. (Andras is a little older than Lucien and he’s been a sentry all his days and, well, his little spit-fire bean is important to him. But his happiness is more important than anything else. HE’S SUCH A GOOD I CAN’T DEAL) 

Lucien kisses him and tells him that he’s not choosing between them, he isn’t just going to put Andras aside for some girl he doesn’t know, even if she is his mate. He loves Andras. That’s final. Andras smiles a little sadly and kisses him back but is....pretty sure he can see where this is going. HE IS WRONG HOWEVER IT’S GOING BEAUTIFUL PLACES.  

Lucien is...Well the bond grates on him a little bit and he can’t help exploring it a little, getting to know Elain through it as much as he can. It and Andras are the only things giving him any sanity at the moment and he needs them both. He feels a little guilty communicating with Elain but he’s open with Andras who flat out refuses to so much as consider Lucien shutting her out when they have this connection to each other. 

Anyway, fastforward the war, lots of battles, lots of death, lots of drama blah blah blah lots of things happen NO-ONE DIES, ALL IS WELL, and then maybe Lucien ends up as High Lord of the Autumn Court (because his vile family get what’s coming to them. Except his mama. I need Mama Lucien to remain and bond with Lucien’s husband and wife) Andras swears fealty to him (really, An, you didn’t have to, I don’t need you as- I INSIIST. (Andras needs a purpose, bless him. And being draped in silks and jewellery and perched on a throne next to Lucien’s like a doll....Doesn’t appeal to him. At all. So he becomes Lucien’s sworn shield or...Idk something that allows them to spend a lot of time together and bang in meeting rooms once everyone else has left.)) 

Elain arrives shortly afterwards and she and Lucien and Andras wander around the Court a lot and maybe visit Spring too (idk what’s happening with Spring. Something. Who knows? Who cares, it has pretty grounds for my children to wander around and a border with Autumn, this is all I need) and they get to know each other. 

Andras tries to back off and give them space and just...fade into obscurity and pretend that’s totally and completely fine with him. Lucien refuses to let that happen and is very open with Elain about their situation. She’s...a little confused at first but she supposes it’s only sensible that someone like Lucien would have a partner. There’s...a little bit of angstyness because Andras is fully aware that Lucien is falling in love with Elain and Elain knows this too - Lucien is in denial but he...knows it too. Andras is prepared for what he’s been bracing for for months now - losing the male that he loves - while Lucien is just as stubbornly NO. I love you I’m not choosing I’m just not!!! There’s a lot of drama and angst and pacing in front of fireplaces and attempts at rational conversation that just dissolve into desperate, angsty, confused cuddling. 

Elain sorts the whole thing out when she gets wind of it one morning she wanders across them in one of the orchards (because, like, of course Autumn has orchards?) She looks between the two of them with a little crease between her brows as she frowns then asks...why he feels like he has to choose? These two centuries old idiots just gape at her blinking and she’s like ????? Have you really been angsting over this all this time? And they both just sort of, well yes, because he’s with me but you’re his mate and- Elain just waves an airy hand and tells them she has absolutely no problem with the three of them being together. All of them. Andras is a little ?? Not just...sharing him? And Elain just very firmly no, they are all equals in this relationship. And that’s final. Elain has spoken. That is that. Problem solved. 

CUTENESS OVERLOAD ENSUES. 

So obviously elucien proceeds...as elucien proceeds, I have wiffled enough about this for you to get the gist. And landras proceed as I have hinted at above. and then elandras is born and it’s...the greatest thing I think I’ve ever been a part of. It’s just like...these two pure, sweet, precious creatures come together to balance out this....literal human fireball of intensity and emotion (Andras spent a lot of time when they were younger literally physically lifting Lucien up and carrying him away from the fights he was starting with the people who were going to kill him) This continues, except now Elain is there to make nice and make the person who wants to murder Lucien...not want to murder him so much. It’s beautiful. They’re miracle workers. 

Okay so, like, full disclosure, Andras is gay af. But this is okay!!! He and Elain just...Never do the sex part of a relationship, doesn’t stop them loving each other. Because listen people this is the most pure dynamic in the history of anything ever. Like...Elain, the gentle flower-grower and Andras who, even when he was shifted into a fuck off enormous wolf still had all the threatening presence of a puppy and just sort of...watched Feyre as she aggressively.....gave him a tiny scratch on his nose that did no damage to his perfect self at all. 

Anyway, sometimes they just need a little bit of down time, you know? They both love Lucien more than anything in the whole wide world, they really, truly do but...’Dearie me he’s intense sometimes, isn’t he?’ Andras just laughs and tells her that she’ll...never really get used to it, but it’s okay. Elain smiles and so they start spending time together just the two of them. 

Andras will watch over her (in wolf form, mostly) while she gardens or just strolls around or reads. (She has a habit of sort of...patting his head like he’s a giant dog. He does not object to this. Lucien stumbles across them one day and finds Elain absently stroking Andras’ back and he’s just...dove...you are aware...you are petting Andras? She just nods vaguely and to illustrate Andras’ happy consent of this he flops over onto his back so that she’ll scratch his tummy instead. Lucien is just like...ffs, some guard you are, this is pathetic. But he can’t stop grinning like an idiot) 

He likes helping her garden and while Lucien likes hearing her talk about all the different flowers and what she loves about them and why this one is her favourite today (she has a different favourite every day. It’s fair that way. They all get a turn at being showered with extra love from her.) Andras likes the technical aspects. What kind of soil does this one need? How much light for that one? What about watering? How exactly do you transplant seedlings into the ground? He’s very attentive and he loves learning about something that’s clearly so important to her? And as a sentry he has an even wider and more detailed knowledge of the plants in Spring than Lucien does so the three of them will go on rides together and Andras will point things out that can be used as herbs and the like. 

MUSIC. SO MUCH MUSIC!!! If Andras hadn’t already loved Elain for just her general Elain-ness he’d have loved her for how she brings music back to Lucien. They spend a fair few nights clustered around a piano together, Andras will tend to his weapons, Elain will sew (badly, Andras is trying to help her improve but her stitches are always crooked. She doesn’t mind), and Lucien will play for them. It’s quiet and contained and they don’t talk much on these nights but they don’t really need to, that isn’t the point of them. 

S N U G G L E S. Listen, idc how the Autumn Court is presented in my head Lucien’s chambers are very large, lots of dark wood, fuck off huge fireplace and a very plush fur rug at the foot of the bed in front of the fire that is 100% big enough to hold either three fae or two fae and a giant, cosy wolf. Just...Lucien and Elain sprawled on top of Andras who just wraps his tail around them and snuggles them. Or the three of them all piled together, Lucien will be in the middle sometimes but sometimes Elain just, no, I need both of my gigantic fae boys on either side of me, this is what I need. They do not argue with her. Andras will read to them some nights if Lucien or Elain is having trouble sleeping. He has a very rich, low, soothing voice and it’s almost guaranteed to make Elain fall asleep on top of him. Lucien still likes to be read to him so they read on but both of them go back the next night so that Elain doesn’t miss anything.

They definitely all sleep in the same bed that’s just....A fact. And they always wake up in...a very confused, tangled heap in the mornings. (Andras extracts himself first (the other two have no idea how he does this without waking them, they’re very impressed, but he just snorts and informs them that it’d be easier to wake the dead than the two of them early in the morning) He fetches them breakfast and some tea to help coax them awake and they both just think it’s entirely unreasonable how much of a morning person Andras is (Elain in particular is just like.....what kind of madness is this, what are you? how is this even...no Andras I don’t want sun i want sleep) But some mornings Elain and Lucien make a special effort to wake up early and bring Andras some surprise breakfast in bed. (He was very, very bemused the first morning he wake up and realised that he was completely alone in the bed, he thought something terrible had happened (and in a way it had. Lucien. Cooking. Have mercy.)) 

Snuggles are not confined to the bedroom. They go on many rides together (Elain loves horses as much as Lucien does and Andras can easily keep pace with them in wolf form) and they have all the picnics and this inevitably involves lots of lovely food (Andras bakes the most...amazing pastries. Elain helps him. They work incredibly well together in the kitchen. Lucien is allowed to perch on one of the counters, occasionally pass them things, and offer supportive kisses. He is not allowed anywhere near the food) a great many snuggles, and Elain absently braiding flowers into Andras and Lucien’s hair. (They’re both very proud of their flower crowns) 

SMOLS. They must have babies. They must have all the babies. (i am literally allergic to kid-fic/headcanons but I will suffer through this pain because they just need them) So biologically the babies are elucien’s but...the babies 100000000% have two dads and that is just fucking final okay. Andras is....Andras is a godsend when Elain is pregnant tbh. Like Lucien is so enthusiastic and almost painfully excited/nervous about all of this and he flaps around like a rabid wildfire for nine months. Elain is...touched by his very strong emotions on this matter but also Lucien pls calm down I can walk up a flight of stairs okay? Andras serves the dual purpose of...calming Lucien the fuck down (as much as is possible) and also attending to like, Elain’s practical needs. (Lucien has taken care of alllll the nesting, basically the entire Autumn Court has been converted into a huge nursery at this point. They just..let him get on with it) 

He feeds her sooo much food and he spends a lot of time nudging the very baffled and slightly alarmed (Andras is...very big. like...picture jason momoa and...congratulations you’re bang on my fancast for him) cooks when their work space is invaded by this huge hulking fae who smiles and politely asks if he could use their kitchen for a little while, his wife has some odd cravings. Elain sits in one of those big old fashioned rocking chairs knitting slightly lopsided baby clothes while Andras finds ways to combine the different flavours she’s craving into actually edible things which Elain devours. His hands are also like, unreasonably giant and he’s so good at giving her massages and they bathe together too (with Lucien as well, obviously...it’s a very big bathtub) 

Lucien and Andras just basically....wait on Elain hand and foot throughout her pregnancy (I mean they always do this but she gets particularly spoiled when she’s carrying their smol) and I...enjoy the image of these two huge fae warriors with this slender little flower girl in between them, their hands clasped over her belly LIKE IF YOU DON’T THINK THIS IS BEAUTIFUL YOU’RE DEAD INSIDE.  

Little one is born and is a girl and all three of them just...fall instantly in love with her? Andras likes carrying her around and he’s always the first one to get up if she cries in the middle of the night and then he just scoops her up into his gigantic arms and bounces her up and down until she calms. The rest of the time baby just gets handed to Lucien because like, for whatever reason, babies love Lucien and she just stops crying as soon as she comes into contact with him. Elain is very grateful because between the two of them so much is taken care of and she  can relax and rest a lot after the birth, her boys have it covered, they make a wonderful little family unit so they do. 

Also as the little ones start getting...well greater in number and also older Andras doubles as an excellent climbing frame/small pony. They just....climb all over him. and sit on him. and braid flowers into his fur (he looks like a giant, fury flowerbed by the time they’re finished, just lying there, so patient, blinking placidly up at Lucien when he wanders out of the house and just??? Andras what r u doing?) and all fall asleep on top of him and it’s literally the purest thing that anyone has ever witnessed. And Andras loves those babies so fucking much, they are his whole entire heart and soul (along with Elain and Lucien, obviously. (a lot of these are Andras focused but I’ve done elucien pregnancy hcs a million times before YOU GUYS KNOW THE DRILL)) 

Lucien and Andras are sooo proud of Elain and they fuss over her so, so much once they start having babies because look at these tiny miracles you have provided us with you are also a miracle we are just ??? blown away. 

But they’re just a faaammiilllyyy a beautiful little family. and nothing sad EVER happens like ever. only good things here. good and pure things. they have many babies and lots of sex and so much kissing and cuddling and ALL THE LOVE. They all love each other so much and I die multiple deaths. Elandras. The best ship. The purest ship. The ship not even I can make angsty because it is just...Too Good. Anyway. Enjoy, nonnie. (I’m going to stop here or...well or else we’d just never stop at all) 

[glasscomets]

4 months later i still seethe when thinking about the got final season

bruh every character got assassinated

sansa: d&d seem to think to be a Strong Woman (TM) you must become a stone cold bitch with no emotions. sansa was very one dimensional in that respect. a few of her worst moments this season:

- her saying to the hound that she’d still be a little bird if she wasn’t abused and raped by sansa and joffrey. lolll, yeah, because it takes abuse to grow as a person. lets all thank ramsay and joffrey for their kindness in that regard :)

- her openly defying dany. sansa’s whole arc is her learning from the best political players and outmaneuvering them all. she stayed alive in king’s landing while feigning devotion to joffrey. what good does it do to openly defy dany? if jon didn’t murder dany, sansa would be dany’s first target bc of how openly sansa opposed her. it’s like her lessons went out the window.

- sansa doing nothing to reassure her people in the crypts and instead using that time to bitch about daenerys. during the battle at blackwater she was in this position and learned to rally those not on the battlefield to keep them calm. she used none of that knowledge here, did not even address her people. she looked like a horrible ruler here

arya: another victim of stone cold bitch syndrome. closest thing there is to a mary sue in the whole show. apparently she’s so good an army of white walkers can’t hear her move...even tho she was only training as a faceless man for 1-2 yrs at most?

- arya had nothing to do with the long night plot, she should not have been the lone savior. i think she should have been a part of the victory along with dany, bran, and jon, whose storylines were much more involved with the white walkers; particularly the latter 2. 

- her decision to fuck off at the end of the series goes against everything she stands for. for years she tried to reunite with her family, she stresses that the starks have to stay together, then she goes lol jk never coming back. i can buy her saying good bye to sansa (the sibling she always clashed with the most) and bran (an emotionless vessel), but not jon!!!! that doesn’t make any sense to me. that’s her most important person and she’s saying bye forever just like that

dany: where to even begin. haven’t been a dany fan for some time but jfc.

- her descent into madness occurred over the course of 2 episodes in an 8 season long series. what the absolute fuck. they did not build up to this at all. there have been hints she is unstable: burning the tarlys, crucifying the masters, feeding a possibly innocent master to her dragons. but the leap from that to genocide is....rather large. dany has been shown to have a good heart - characters we trust have repeatedly told us that, the show itself has shown us that (fighting against slavery, putting an end to khalasars’ rape, locking up her dragons when one of them burned a single child, etc). INSTEAD of burning civillians in KL, it would have been much more believable if her losses drove her to burning the red keep & cersei out of rage for those she lost. 

- they did her SO dirty after her death. nobody really mourns her, aside from greyworm’s illogical search for justice + an offhand comment from yara (and like, where were you bitch?). jon is obviously broken but doesn’t even really get to talk about the fact that he murdered his own blood/lover lol. going from the heartwrenching dany/drogon scene to the worst scene in the whole fucking show, which might as well have a laugh track behind it--WHO HAS A BETTER STORY THAN BRAN THE BROKEN?--is a huge slap in the face.

bran:  they turned him into an emotionless robot. what else is there to say. guy is fucking useless. had one purpose: defeat the night king, still did jack shit in that episode. who has a better story than bran the broken? literally every other character in the whole show

jon: i could write an entire essay.

- both of his main story arcs have such pathetic conclusions. 

1, the white walkers: he has nothing to do with killing the nk aside from knocking him off his dragon with dany. we don’t even get a confrontation. fuck your surprises, i want good storytelling. building up his prowess with a sword, focusing on multiple NK staredowns, with no payoff is INFURIATING. he didn’t need the final kill, but he should have at least fought the NK!!!! had something to do with his death!! or even at least fought a fucking white walker.

2. R+L=J. so the whole point of this shit was just to make dany go crazy? i thought this would matter moreso for ending the long night, “a song of ice and fire”, the prince that was promised is to come from aerys’ line, etc. but nope. then it has nothing to do with the endgame king, because he gets shipped off to the nights watch. so the core mystery of the show all ends up being fucking WORTHLESS. surely there must be more to this in the books?????? 

- WHAT DID THEY DO TO HIS CHARACTER??????? he becomes dany’s pet. jon speaks his mind against authority figures. he stood up to stannis. he stood up to alliser. he stood up to dany herself LAST SEASON in the throne room when she was belittling him. he refused to bend the knee for her. after that, ... man lost all agency. even after she COMMITS GENOCIDE, he’s like “oh lol well cersei left her no choice”. bruh, i know you love her, but the jon i know would never defend someone that far gone.

- they gave him a dragon for 3 episodes then killed the dragon off without even showing a reaction from him. that’s just fantastic, d&d

- he saves the realm from daenerys, unites armies against the WWs, and is rewarded with a sentence to the NW by his own brother. this show is fucking shit. 

tyrion/varys: from the political masterminds of the show to cock jokes. varys in particular was absolutely massacred. he survived all those years under aerys, joffrey, etc. while plotting behind their backs, yet openly plotted treason + sent out ravens announcing jon as the rightful heir before dany even did anything horrible lmao

jaime: i’m undecided on the jaime/cersei storyline. i don’t LIKE that it didn’t end up being a redemption arc, but it’s not necessarily bad that he was unable to escape his cersei addiction.... that can be interesting.

what’s really shit is him saying he doesn’t care about innocents. it renders one of the best moments in the show useless - the bathtub scene with brienne, where he tells her he killed aerys to save his father and the citizens of kings landing. it makes me wonder what the hell the point of his storyline was. so guy is back at the beginning, then? gives no shits about anyone but cersei? it’s unsatisfying. i feel like i watched him grow throughout these years for no reason, in the end

cersei: done dirty as fuck, had nothing to do all year. what is there to even say, when her only screentime was her sipping wine and looking out a window

[daeneryses]

so. it’s been three days and i can’t stop thinking about the episode. in that sense they must’ve made something correctly bc wow, i literally can’t get it out of my head. i still enjoy the show for what it is, it’s supposed to be entertainment and fun, not everything has to be a well-written fantasy novel i guess. but i just cant stop thinking about it, trying to understand the reasoning behind what we just saw, and i just end up more confused.

i don’t want to shit on the episode bc they got many things right. it was beautifully directed, the score was phenomenal, i mean production-wise, it’s top-notch, it shows how far tv has come, those sequences with the dragons could rival any blockbuster, the cgi was incredible, and we had some pretty chilling shots (e.g. the dothraki, when the trench was light up, the dragons) and the whole battle was cool. i was biting my nails and sweating, they really know how to build up dread. but the story simply didn’t match the episode. and the worst part is that they had it all to make it right, but they didn’t. you can still have arya kill the nk, just make it make sense. and they had everything to make it make sense, just explain to us the story of the stark family. in the novels, it’s been heavily implied that the starks have something to do directly with the WW, they could easily twist that into some sort of magical blood thingy that states that only a stark could defeat the AOTD, the NK himself, and that’s why he survived being burned by drogon. it was right theeeereeee and no one would complain cause everybody and their grandmas love the starks, we’d easily accept that there’s something special in their heritage, just like the targaryens. hell, the outrage isn’t even about arya killing him, she’s a beloved character and fan-favorite, it’s about the overall execution of the quote unquote story. i appreciate what they tried to do, subverting the trope of the chosen one, but wouldn’t it have been nice to have jon fight the NK? make him lose and at the last second arya saves him, the endgame is the same, but that way they delivered what they had been teasing since hardhome.

i guess if you try really hard you can accept it, and there’s a certain appeal into what they made, if jon rly was the cosen one maybe the nk didn’t want to risk it bc maybe jon could win and that’s why he raised all the wights, and then he was walking all smug to finally kill bran but he made the mistake of being too confident and that’s when arya gets him. it can work if you don’t think about technicalities too much, but it’s incredibly frustrating to think that they could’ve made the same thing with just a few tweaks here and there that would make it more satisfying.

also, and i think this is the biggest mistake, why is everyone still alive? can someone explain to me how brienne, jaime and pod survived half the episode being against a wall while attacked by like 500 zombies at a time? jaime i already knew he had the biggest plot armor bc cersei, but pod? don’t tell me they couldn’t kill him w/o hindering the story. can u imagine him dying saving brienne? the emotional impact that would have? if you aren’t going to kill them off, don’t show them to us in situations where it was humanly impossible to make it out alive. also SAM. jfc that dude was- i don’t even have words, he was swimming in a pool of wights, all while crying, how is he still alive? i don’t think he adds a lot to the KL plot does he? tormund and gendry were in a mountain of wights, one of them should’ve died and we know it. 

these writers were never afraid to do so, they killed off like 7 main-ish characters (including fan favorite margaery tyrell) in the explosion of the sept of baelor, and it payed off! i’m not going to get into the red wedding bc that was martin’s work not d&d’s.

and, if this was going to be the end of the nk’s plot, they could’ve been ballsy and let jon or dany die. the only way i could’ve accepted dany dying was sacrificing herself in the war for the dawn. that’s it. buuut we all know they are both still alive so that they can fight over the iron throne and i just. jeez. don’t get me wrong i love the game of thrones, i would gladly remove the magic element from the novels/show and i would love them even more (the political intrigue is what drew me into the novels in the first place), but does it make sense to have them fighting for a throne that jon obviously doesn’t want and dany obviously does? I KNOW that there will be more players involved, sansa will probably try to get in jon’s head to make him reclaim his right to the throne, but ultimately, these characters have already been built up. we know what they stand for. they can’t aim to have a plotline that’s basically the dance of the dragons when one of the dragons clearly just wants to nap and retire.

ofc we have cersei, and that actually gets me pretty pumped, i feel like she’s been the most consistent and well written character throughout the show, and having her as the main bad isn’t a disappointment to me, but i’m biased bc i really enjoy her character so there’s that (i actually prefer her show counterpart, martin did her dirty in some chapters of affc). however, there’s a big issue w her storyline. euron. if that dude takes out more main characters than the nk i’m going to riot. they’ve completely failed to establish him as a real threat, no one gives a shit about him and it’d be a let down if he kills characters that we have come to care about. not because they shouldn’t die (they should be dead already) but because it’s not earned at all. just imagine euron, a character introduced in season 6 that hasn’t really evolved at all (he’s the most one-dimensional character in the show), that no one gives a shit about and whose purpose in the story i still can’t grasp, killing someone like jaime or tormund or brienne. what a waste would that be. and ik this is my own imagination but the actor did say his character did a lot of “cool stuf” in the season and so far he’s done nothing so i’m afraid ladies!!! they really shoul have developed him more if they intended for cersei to be the final boss, bc i have no clue what he wants or what he stands for, so if any character that has had any sort of impact in the overall story dies by his dirty hands i WILL RIOT. im excited for cersei, so i really hope the pirate is just an accesory in the story and not fundamental to the plot.

another point that bothers me is lf’s death. i know it happened last season, and when it happened i was fine with it bc it supposedly represented the end of the game of thrones and how everyone was now focused on survival. but if this was the endgame all along, why kill him off? had we have him backing up sansa who will surely back up jon and varys backing up dany, we could have had an interesting thing there. had that been the case, the dance of the dragons would look wayyyy more interesting wouldn’t it? because the characters we have left have witnessed death itself, they survived the literal apocalypse, and now they’re supposed to turn on each other? idk man, it seems hollow to me. i guess they could pull it off, but the writing would have to be spectacular in order for them to do so. sansa’s going to have to be one of the main main main players, since she’s the only one with clear motives to betray dany. i guess tyrion could be a wildcard but eh im not too excited abt that, it would be a disservice to his character imo.

and well this has become way longer than i intended, i guess im just worried about how my favorite show of all time will end. there’s so many great things they could still do, i just hope they deliver something that lives up to seven amazing seasons of compelling characters. now that they got rid of the AOTD, they really could focus in human conflict, which they’ve done beautifully in the past, so i believe not everything is lost. we’ll just have to wait and see.

[yakumtsaki]

Well, well, well, look who’s back with the most morally repugnant update in Union history. Me. It’s been a very productive summer of Netflix, chill and giving wrong directions to tourists but all good things must come to an end. Also coming to an end is my ill-fated attempt to kill Max, who, after refusing to eat the cake FOR 2 FUCKING DAYS is finally released from the cage of death. Honestly, I’m impressed, Max, you’re definitely not as stupid as you look.

-Yea, I get that a lot.

I doubt that but whatever, now gtfo and I better not see your Komei-clone ass around Jojo ever again or it’s back in prison for you!

-So, Jojo, not that we’re not all extremely invested in the excruciating selection process of your husband, but are you any closer to picking one?? I mean I love this whole commune thing we have going but the constant food delivery for 8 is killing us.

-We’re afraid not, dear brother, it’s starting to look like no one in this world is worthy of our majesty.

Ugh are we really doing royal ‘we’ now? Is this what this has come to?

-Yes, college has really helped develop our sense of self-worth.

How can it be self-worth if you’re ‘we’?

-This is exactly the kind of idiotic questioning that would get you eliminated from the suitor process. 

Oh, perish the thought! And miss out on this classical-music-dick-measuring-contest you have them doing?

-Ew seriously, Francis, Vivaldi? Why don’t you turn up to Justin Bieber while you’re at it.

Man, what a zinger! Good times. JOJO PICK A FUCKING DUDE ALREADY SO I CAN MOVE THE OTHERS OUT THE LOT IS LAGGY AS SHIT

-I lost the dick measuring contest and my punishment is sleeping on the couch.

KILL HIM IN HIS SLEEP MELODY

-Maybe later, Real Housewives of Pleasantview is on, Cassandra is getting dragged for the pigtails!!

-Ha, look at this Vivaldi-listening losér! Point at him and laugh, everyone!

-Who’s laughing now, bitch? Not you with that hoof right in your French-whore mouth!

-Ugh, aren’t you late for the beans-on-toast feast, you limey piece of merde?

Not since the 100 Years War have French-British tensions ran this high. Of course that one was for a throne, while this one..

-Is for something far more important.. Our heart.

LMAO Jojo please be serious, you don’t have a heart.

-We absolutely do and it’s made out of pure gold.

Yea I guess, I mean gold is a metal after all! 

-Do you really think you should be eating decaying Chinese food, mon cheri? You’re going to need a soda to digest it and you know it’s too cold for your teeth!

-Wyatt, I don’t pay you to think, I pay you to sit across from me and look pretty, and occasionally to scooch down next to me so I look taller.

-You actually don’t pay me at all.

-Yes and obviously I’m getting my money’s worth.

Wow Jojo tone it down, your gold heart is shinning so brightly I’m gonna go blind!

Precious Gunther has added three new addictions to his existing sex one! A) working out in this atrocious outfit.

B) blowing bubbles from dawn to dusk.

and c) and the most disturbing one, constantly being alone in enclosed spaces with his brother’s intended, Brit Brit. At first I wasn’t too worried about it, thinking Brit is a popularity sim so it’s only natural..but then..

I SEE THIS. GODDAMMIT GUNTHER WHY MUST YOU HAVE CHEMISTRY WITH EVERYONE

-Man idk, it’s almost supernatural. Blame it on God ;)

UGH I don’t even know who I hate more, your whore ass-

-or this fucking llama that hasn’t gone home in 3 days and is eating all our pizza. 

-I just feel so accepted here, like I’m part of the family, you know? 

GET OUT

Speaking of furries, not even the cow will approach the fucking cowplant, jfc. I mean you’d expect some kind of kinship there but nop. Great job Jojo, you killed a dozen secret society members for a defective cowplant.

-Mooo :(

I don’t know which one of you did that but stfu, I can’t anymore with this flop ass household!!!1

ANYWAY back to Brit and Daniel, it seems like my Gunther concerns were baseless, since these two remain eternally into each other, always autonomously doing cute crap.

-Oh Daniel, let me serenade you with the song of your people!  

The kings made us drunk with fumes, peace among us, war to the tyrants! Let the armies go on strike, stocks in the air, and break ranks. If they insist, these cannibals on making heroes of us, they will know soon that our bullets are for our own generals  ♪

ROMANCE ISN’T DEAD

In other news, allow me to present you all with Melody’s personality panel. I was under the false impression that being the child of Wanda and Stephen she was.. nice?? But nop, total Union freak material! We hit the jackpot once again. Now her best friendship with bitch Brit makes total sense.

-Honestly girl, this janky ass house is such a step down from the sorority, I spend half the day thinking of ways to peace out.

-Ugh I know, I was on the fence at first but can you really put a price on good d?

-Aw, what are my beautiful hens cackling about? May I join?

-No.

-I was about to make a math joke but I doubt you gals would get it, amirite? As Barbie said, math is hard!

- I’m a literal math major.

-Oh I know, Mel, good for you! Affirmative action works wonders!

KILL HIM AND HIS HAREM WE DON’T NEED THE LAG

It’s another day in paradise. Daniel has finally cracked and gone full Komei, autonomously cleaning shit even though we have a maid..

Melody ate a ton of burnt grilled cheese and is non-stop throwing up..

AND THIS BULLSHIT IS STILL GOING ON. STOP IN THE NAME OF LOVE

-What?? We’re just talking, GAWD

No you’re not “””just talking””” you’re gossiping and doing sexy whispers, I KNOW YOUR TRICKS GUNTHER-

-I don’t mean to interrupt but I think you’re focusing on the wrong issue here?

OH AM I?? DO TELL

-LOOK OUTSIDE BITCH

Nice try whores, nothing is happening outside-

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMM WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK. WHAT. 

-That’s right, Ti-Ning and I are in love now!

............................FRAN THIS BETTER BE SOME DRY ASS BRITISH HUMOR 

-Nop! We got tired of waiting for Jojo and we decided the best way to handle it was to suddenly make out in front of him even tho we have never even flirted before!

THIS LITERALLY CANNOT BE HAPPENING

-Well it is, so best accept it and we can all move on :)

Oh yea certainly, I mean if anything Jojo is known for his ability to forgive and forget!

See the ghost of Ti-Ning indeed! Finally a wish Jojo and I share. 

TI-NING OMFG THIS LACK OF SHAME

-Haha!!! Finally I’m free to be as gross as I want >:) 

Well.. enjoy it while it lasts.

-The hell does that mean??

Nothing, just you know, none of us know when our time will come.. only that it will. The curse of human existence, one might say. Only we among the animal world know that we will die. Memento mori, Ti-Ning. And we will memento you. 

-..Yea, maybe it’s time I move out?

I mean, you can try..

..but like the curse from It Follows, it follows. It being Jojo. How you holding up boo?

-Oh, I’m great, can’t you tell?

You know what might help? Some of your beloved homework! Do something useful, get your mind off this stuff..

“Sending The First Human to Mercury and Leaving Him There: A Very Specific Space Exploration Proposal” 

-Jojό!! I’m writing about how I finally won your heart but please don’t look, I’m gonna read this at our wedding!

-Yea I literally couldn’t care less about you and your thoughts/feelings/etc, what was left of my heart is dead and gone and now there’s only a black hole there.. Oh we could also send Ti-Ning to a black hole if Mercury doesn’t work. Nice.

-UGH how are you even still alive and breathing the same air as me and not dead from shame like you should be, you vile adulteress???

-OH PLEASE you’re just mad cause Fran and I realized we can do better than your mega-jaw ass. If not for the endless supply of bubbles around here blurring our vision this would have happened weeks ago!

-I’m going to strangle you in your sleep and my jaw will be the last thing you see.

-Your jaw would be the last thing I saw even if I died on the moon.

-MAYBE YOU WILL

.....................well I guess it’s official then. And if the above didn’t seal it..

..this definitely did. God have mercy on me, what a shitshow.

While Tin and Fran are woohooing, Jojo attempts to end his troubles once and for all by running out of the house and into a thunder fire. Thankfully the rain puts it out quickly and all we’re left with is critically low hygiene. 

Man, serving Penguin teas! You have the entire look down, Jo. I’d tell you to audition for Gotham but that’s extremely bad career advice

-Oh god, I almost died!!!! 

Aw I know, but don’t worry you’re safe now <3

-No I mean I came so close but didn’t make it.. :(

Jojo please, if anything, live to kill Ti-Ning and Francis. You owe it to yourself.

As soon as Fran and Tin are done, guess who rushes in to gossip next to the bed. ISTG YOU ASSHOLES, BREAK IT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I THROW YOU OUT THAT WINDOW

-Whatever, we’d just land on Jojo trying to set himself on fire.

-LOL oh Brit you’re so funny!

I HATE THIS HOUSE

-HAD FUN, DID WE YOU SLUT

-Get him, Jojό!

Honestly Wyatt, I get being supportive but I’m really starting to worry about you, even demeaning yourself has its limits..

..especially since Jojo continues to be a massive freakshow. Good lord.

-Oh Francis, don’t tell Wyatt cause you know how he gets, but your total disregard for my existence is making me see you in a whole new, hot, light..

Man, good thing Wyatt isn’t standing 3 steps away from you!

Oh yes, loving this dinner. An ocean between us..

-I wouldn’t eat that third slice if I was you, Ti-Ning. Your funeral day is fast approaching, don’t you want to look nice for it? 

-Well you’ll be there so it doesn’t matter, everyone will be looking at your jaw.

Yes, what a wonderful night. Now let’s all go to bed and hopefully everyone will have calmed down a little by tomorrow!

LMAO yea idk what I was thinking.

-Strangle me in my sleep? How about I strangle you in broad daylight???

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but.. poor Jojo. Not only did he get his ass beat, but to literally add insult to the injury-

-everyone is lusting after Gunther during his defeat. Jfc, I’d want to set myself on fire too.

Oh here we go, Gunther to the rescue! 

-How dare you beat up my brother even though he attacked you first? Prepare to die!

-Whatever, I’ve been preparing for that for the last couple days!

Aw, Gunther is such a good brother/giant loser depending on the outcome of this fight.

VINDICATION. Bravo, Gunther, defending our non-existent family honor!

Daniel, in true Daniel fashion, slept through this entire shitshow, which might be the smartest thing he’s ever done.

Oop, spoke too soon. Say what you want about Gunther and Daniel but man do they both love Jojo! Truly god knows why.

-So Brit, you’re studying poli-sci, can you think of a peaceful resolution to this? Haha!

-YOU STFU TI-NING MY FINALS ARE TODAY MY GPA IS ALREADY IN THE TOILET AND NOW IM GONNA FLOP CAUSE YOU ASSHOLES SPENT THE WHOLE NIGHT FUCKING AND THE WHOLE DAY FIGHTING AND I HAVEN’T SLEPT AT ALL DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL I’M GONNA BURN THIS PLACE TO THE FUCKING GROUND IF YOU TRY ME

Well, you might not need to Brit! WHAT IS UP WITH THIS HYPER-FLAMMABLE CACTUS

Brit returns from her finals with a free pizza! How’d you do, Brit?

-Saved by the nightie again!

NOICE. Got a freebie pizza from it too?

-No, I found it in the garbage. My gift to Francis and Ti-Ning for their 3 day anniversary! 

Jojo’s official greek house portrait coming along nicely! Wow he looks very majestic..

..Instagram vs Real Life.

-Bowling is so satisfying if you pretend the pins are your former lovers’ genitals!

Whatever coping method works for you boo!

Gunther and Ti-Ning are officially enemies which is hilarious because not even Jojo is enemies with him?? Follow your bliss, Guns!

In an impressive display of brotherly synchronicity we have double slapping across the room. Double the slapping for half the time, Jojo is as always a true capitalist.

JOJO!! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU WON! So proud of my baby <3 I’m ofc kidding, this shit has gotten old really fast and I extremely feel Brit watching uninterested. ENOUGH  

HARD MOOD. Brit is honestly on another level than the rest of us basics. What an icon.

For some reason I bothered to fulfill Ti-Ning’s want to learn that relationship maintenance or w/e lifetime skill (talk about money down the drain) and the irony of this pop up text almost sent me to an early grave. And we know who’s going to an early grave today..

IT’S CAKE TIME. REACH OUT, TI-NING. YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT

FINALLY. GOODBYE FIGHTING AND INSANE LAG

JESUS JOJO. STONE. COLD.

Ice Cube would like to say, that I'm a crazy muthafucka from around the way, since I was a youth, I smoked weed out, now I'm the muthafucka that ya read about, takin' a life or two, that's what the hell I do, you don't like how I'm livin well fuck you ♪

Wyatt and Brit were on their way to react to Ti-Ning’s little accident but somehow got sidetracked and are now randomly arguing on the porch. Honestly I don’t even know what’s going on anymore, I’ve lost all control of this household.

Jojo rushes over to celebrate Ti-Ning’s demise by immediately slapping the shit out of his grieving lover! Whenever you think we can’t possibly sink any lower, think again. Like right now, after the slapping, are you thinking we can’t sink any lower?????????????????????????????

THINK. AGAIN.

ARE YOU SCREAMING? CAUSE I DID

YUP THIS IS HAPPENING

IT’S REAL

IT’S. REAL. THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH CURSE WORDS IN ANY LANGUAGE TO EXPRESS MY FEELINGS

FUCK YOU FRANCIS. FUCK. YOU. YOU’RE GETTING MURDERED SO FUCKING HARD YOU UNBELIEVABLE ASSHOLE. I’M FUCKING DONE. JOJO YOU’RE GONNA DIE ALONE TIME FOR ALL OF US TO ACCEPT THAT REALITY. WE STARTED OUT WITH 3 CANDIDATES AND ENDED UP HERE. HOW THE EVERLOVING FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN FRANCIS AND WYATT HAVE. 1 BOLT. ONE. WYATT IS A FAMILY SIM I’M SO PISSED OFF I NEED TO TAKE A MOMENT

OK. In my 10 years of playing I have never wanted to quit without saving more than with this bullshit. Look at fucking Fran’s smug ass face and moron Wyatt putting on an Oscar worthy performance of shock and regret. YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID NO, YOU SHOULD HAVE GONE HOME WYATT. What the FUCK are we gonna do now???? I guess good thing Max Flexor survived the cage of death. GOD.DAMMIT