#'i remain in all things your faithful servant' IM GOING TO KILL MYSELF. YOURE SO SICK. YOURE SICK!!!!!! TWISTED!!!!!!

[mikumoroll]

tyranny game is so sick and twisted for giving me a masked authority figure that the player character can have a really questionable dynamic with.

[talpup]

Ok so working theory so far (i haven't re-read everything yet,but i don't know when i'll get the chance to so here's what i have): we know the dragon king and griffon queen wanted to end the war/guarantee future peace/power so they wanted to imprint their young to secure that. The griffon king disagreed and hid Teris- but he couldn't hide a missing royal baby forever, so the dragon king/his servants tracked down teris' last known location; which was with shouta's sphinx family. The dragons attacked bc they were initially trying to get teris back-but when they couldn't find her, dragons and griffons ordered all sphinxes to be killed,not bc they didnt choose a side, but because by hiding teris they betrayed BOTH sides since she was a tool for them to unite dragons with griffons (and guarantee the survival of both royal families, with their power as rulers). This led to different factions being created in the war- some loyal to the griffon king only, some to the griffon queen and dragon king, some to the dragon king only. But eventually everyone turned on each other and the dragons and griffons were exterminated. (Orrrrr shit started getting out of whack with the elementals, so the council members banded together to secretly kill the royal familymembers on both sides, so they got the dragons and griffons to revenge murder each other).

The council is hiding knowledge of the war because if people found out that they turned on the kings and queens they swore allegiance to, then they are no longer trusted/respected authority figures, and EVERYTHING they do/say will come into question... including the festivals to appease the elementals.So if fourths lost their faith/respect towards the council, they wouldnt appease the elementals, and the elementals would start fucking oblvi up again. Also fourths might see that as valid reason to start a coup against the council.

Also i know all for one has something to do with this and i am missing analysis on a lot of stuff but its late so im going to sleep zzzz

Ooo... Theories! I love theories!!!

Brief reminder. In chapter 13, Teris' remembered dream shows her father saying it was time to leave, after she and Shouta spent the day playing together, and Teris asking her father if they could stay a bit longer. Her father said he was afraid not, and when she asked if she would get to see and play with Shouta again, the Griffon King's answer was "I hope so, my dear. For all our sakes, I hope so.”

Also in the latest chapter, His Purple Highness' thoughts shared what they asked the Sphinx leader for and the agreement Teris' father and Shouta's grandfather came to: "Finding the Griffon Queen and Dragon King’s plans as abhorrent as they did, Shouta's grandfather had asked for little in exchange for preforming a block on Teris to prevent a forced imprint. The only thing the Sphinx leader had wanted was King Lheas’ word that the Griffon’s would stop killing his kind for not choosing a side and joining in the war, and a private audience with Teris."

So we know that the Griffon King didn't ask the Sphinx's to hide Teris. But your current thought is that the King didn't take Teris back home after visiting the Sphinx's but hid her somewhere, and the Dragon's came looking for her, tracking her to the Sphinx's and killing Shouta's pack? Interesting... I like it.

But here's a few hinting/leading questions to help further your theories:

If the Griffon King had gone to the Sphinx's to put a block on Teris to stop any forced imprinting, why wouldn't he just return home to his mate and Queen, secure in the knowledge that a such a terrible thing could no longer be done to his daughter?

Presumably, so long as the Griffon Queen and Dragon King didn't find out what the Griffon King had done (in having Shouta's grandfather put a block on Teris) they would have merely thought the attempt to force an imprint on Teris and Kai had failed. It's not like they would've had a lot to go on to be sure such a thing would've worked in the first place, seeing as it's such a long held illegal thing to do and there's little to no remaining ancient records of it being done.

Also, if the Griffon Queen and Dragon King's plan to force an imprint was such an abhorrent thing that the Griffon Queen's loyal and loving mate/King consort was willing to work against her for the first time ever, it stands to reason that others (whether Griffon, Dragon, or merely severing them) would turn against them for it as well. Others like say the Dragon Court for instance.?. I'm not saying Ptick was right about the Dragon Court rising up and killing the Dragon's and only wrong about why (Ptick saying it was cause the Dragon King and Griffon Queen threaded Kai and Teris, instead of them wanting to force imprint them); but this might further lean itself to the "Ptick was right" theory.

As for the Elemental's. The scene in the last chapter with His Purple Highness telling Nemuri all that was mostly just to further explain how knowledge spells work, and (needless as it currently is) let readers know Nemuri is set to be the Dryad King's successor and be Dryad Queen.

Here's a couple lines from that scene where HPH is remembering: "The aged Sphinx had warmed to him during their meeting and privately admitted to being the sole bearer of a knowledge spell that imprisoned an ancient and terrible evil. Not so ancient as the Elemental’s the elemental leader’s were imprisoning, the Sphinx leader had told him with a wink; the great Sphinx naturally aware of the knowledge spell his ancestors had helped His Purple Highness’ ancestors with."

Since the knowledge spell Shouta's grandfather passed onto a young, unknowing Teris and locked in her head is the one keeping All for One imprisoned, and Shouta's grandfather admitted to HPH (His Purple Highness) that the ancient and terrible evil the knowledge spell he carried wasn't keeping something as "ancient as the Elemental’s the elemental leader’s were imprisoning" it's safe to say that All for One isn't an Elemental and the Elemental's won't be playing a part.

Actually, I'll flat out tell you, the Elemental's won't be playing a part in this fic. One, because I got so many moving pieces in this fic that I don't wanna kill myself by adding the Elemental's. lol And two, because this fic is part of an original series, and (whether I end up making it a fanfic or original fic) I have later plans for the Elemental's and the world of Oblvi in a later book.

One last thing. Seeing as it was so small that most might have overlooked it, I will say that there is a hint at what All for One is in the opening scene of the latest chapter.

In any case, thanks for sharing your working theories! I really did love hearing them. Feel free to share any more if you get a chance and want. I hope some of my hints and leading questions helped you along. Thanks again!

[jess-oh]

Reflection

hey journal! my body is under a lot of stress today—probably from lugging around my laptop all day, errrday. 

i really dont even know who i am anymore or where my priorities lie or anything. ive been more pessimistic and self deprecating recently. but it was pretty nice to read my journal entries from the mission field and rewatching/listening to the performances from the festival in Turkey! I miss it all.

I totally forgot how much I struggled with my own innerdemons and pride while I was there! I’m glad I documented it. 

I felt pretty challenged by Jason earlier. I think my go to is to hate myself and make a joke about it. I simultaneously think I’m better than everyone else and hate myself whenever I compare myself to those around me, lol. What a strange complex indeed.

I think the biggest thing I learned while in Turkey was to not be so results oriented. tbh, i think my thoughts and emotions have just been so clouded recently and i havent been able to think straight in a long time. a lot of what i’ve said has contradicted other statements ive made. im not who i used to be. i used to be so good at being vulnerable and honest and real and genuine and really did care for others. but ive grown a lot more selfish since then. how can i call myself a Christian and claim these goals when I myself am not living them out? I want to. I’ve been wanting to help others but moreso bc i wanted to feel better about myself and not because i just wanted them to be okay. and i think thats why ive been struggling to create these more intimate bonds and relationships as of recently. im so quick to judge far too often and i really dont want to bc who am i to say or judge anyone? only God can do that. we all have our own stories and sin. i feel like I’m “further” in my relationship with God than others but what does that matter if I’m not moving forward? At least they are deliberately spending more time with God and not just remaining stagnant and complacent in their position! And when I have had the opportunity to talk to people, I’ve found myself finding the conversation boring and wanting to move onto the next best thing instead of just treasuring the moment and opportunity that I had right then and there. I’ve allowed myself to become far too prideful and I want to come from a much more humble mindset once more. Everyone is hurting and everyone has their own story. It isn’t my job to fix them. It isn’t my responsibility and no one expects me to do so. 

In February, I honestly didn’t want to live anymore. I think Sharlene helped a lot and going home to be with friends and family and attend Robbin’s funeral helped a lot. But I felt like I was in so much suffering and it felt overwhelming. He was dead and even in Turkey when I saw someone who looked like him, I was so shocked and distraught at the thought of having to relive that pain and see him again that I couldn’t help but cry and lose focus. My grandpa had cancer and things weren’t looking good. I couldn’t even bring myself to sing “Little Miss Sunshine” and I couldn’t even imagine a reality or possibility where he did pass away. I felt so much guilt and shame after Robbin passed. All the things I could have said. All the things I should’ve done. But I never did. And just like that, he was gone. And I felt like I was in an excruciating amount of pain and suffering. It didn’t matter if I was on the train or walking home or anywhere else public. I didn’t care anymore. At all. I had lost my family. He was gone. And I was so tempted to kill myself bc being with God in Heaven and having eternal life seemed like a much sweeter reality than the Hell I was living in. I didn’t trust the people at Lakeview yet and honestly, I still don’t. Though I am doing better.

I can’t make people happy because I myself am in so much misery. I am so pessimistic and upset and miserable. How could I possibly bring someone joy when I myself am feeling the opposite? I want to radiate with warmth and stand firm in my identity with the Lord. Not in aimlessly walking in this dark chasm that I’ve been walking in for who knows how long. There’s a lot that I don’t say in fear that it is “not as much” in comparison with others. There’s a lot that I don’t say because I don’t want people to see me as weak or think I’m less able of accomplishing certain tasks. 

I don’t want to help for the sake of helping. I want to help because I genuinely care. I’ve grown to be so selfish and apathetic towards it all. And God, I truly am so sorry for the things that I’ve said and the things that I’ve done. I am a child of God. I am a child of God. I am a child of God.

I used to jump at the chance of sharing common interests with others because I knew how lonely it had been being in the outside circle and never fitting in. Never having the opportunity to getting to know anyone because I was judged before I even had the chance. And my bitterness has definitely taken form and prevented me from doing a lot of things. It’s prevented me from going back to Sa-Rang without seeing them all as enemies targeting me. It’s prevented me from really trusting people within the church. How I can I hope to build a culture based in vulnerability when I myself am not willing to do so?

“Judge not, that you be not judged. 2 For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. 3 Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? 4 Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.” Matthew 7:1-4

I want to be genuinely interested and invested in others. When they share what their interests are, I want to take the time to indulge myself in those things so that I may better understand them. I want to build a community and intentional relationships with these people. I don’t want to help so that people can praise my name. I want to help because I care about them. 

I think I’ve been more selfish and conceited recently because I am so desperate for someone to care about me. And I am so blind to the fact that people do. I think Johnathan cares, Jason cares, P. Josh cares, Amanda cares, and I’m sure Johnny does too. David L. cares, Rachel cares, Joyce P. cares. My sister cares, my mom cares, my dad cares. Jeanne cares, Sofia cares, Andrew cares. But I have been so blinded by my own self hatred and criticism that I haven’t been able to see or accept that. I just keep digging my own grave and running into a brick wall when they are more than willing to help. I just have to be honest and reach out to them. Asking for help doesn’t make me a burden. It is only when I expect them to always be by my side in every moment but if I am genuine about it and try to care for them.

By my own standards, I am the worst dirt of the Earth. By those around me, they praise me for my commitment, hard working nature, and determination to get anything done that I set my mind to. I don’t want to believe I’m better than anyone else because I really am not. I am so broken in my ways. I am so confused and lost and feel like I’ve seen nothing but darkness for so long. In February, I decided to try and go all in with God and see if anything changed. If I read the Bible, if I got super involved at church, went on a mission, and really did my best to give everything I am to the Lord and live a life so deeply rooted within the church, what would happen? If I still wasn’t happy and felt miserable then I would know it wasn’t worth it and God is not real in the end. And I would cast Him out and pretend He is fake. And that mindset of going all in has lowkey been super toxic to my faith. Because yes, I have been doing all these things and usually with an ulterior motive in mind. But because of this underlying doubt and caution, I’ve been so quick to point out inconsistencies and almost desperate to find any possible crack in the stone. But going to Turkey did really rekindle my faith, I think. There were moments when God was just so undeniable and real. When I talked to Arzu and my heart so desperately broke for her. 

I don’t want to be afraid to sing loudly at church or be honest about how I’m feeling or really cry out to God during a Sunday service. I so desperately need Him. And this underlying fear has been getting in the way of me really going deeper with Him. I don’t know how long it will take for me to find my identity in Him once more. But thank you God for giving me that wakeup call because if not, I may have ended up like Johnathan’s roommate and left the faith altogether because I tried to serve too soon without having a firm foundation first in you. I do want to better equip myself. I do want to serve your people. I don’t want to serve because it’ll make me look “cool.” I don’t want to serve because of how others will perceive me. I just want to serve just as I am with all that I am. And I pray that I may be a humble servant before you, God. Because your word will not be shaken, God. It will not.

I want to have full confidence in the Lord. Knowing that my identity 

I think initially coming into my freshman year, I was so scared and intimidated by everyone. But I was also much more real and genuine at the time. I think in some part because of all the heartbreak I’ve had to face the past few years as well as hanging out with the wrong people and turning away from God has left me very bitter and apathetic and self-centered and conceited and too afraid to be real. I put up a facade and walls upon walls upon walls up to protect myself from others. It’s in part because of Sa-Rang. But it’s also because I have felt pain so deeply and extremely during my time in college. And it’s honestly been so hard. I’ve relied on people to help me through those moments time and time again but something always happens when I can no longer be friends with them in that capacity anymore. Saying guys and girls are different and can’t trust the MAST guys bc they’re guys is just a cop-out. It’s an excuse so that I don’t have to open myself up. I don’t want to judge/rebuke for the sake of doing so. I want to say these words because I care so much about my friends and genuinely want the best for them. 

God, this is my prayer to you. I don’t want to do these things for the sake of doing them but I want to do them so that I may better honor and glorify you. I do need a community. I do desire just coming as I am to someone. Anyone. I need another Sharlene in my life. She was there for me when I didn’t know what to do. When my cousin had passed away, I didn’t care about anything anymore. I don’t want to brag about the things I’ve done anymore. It’s uncomfortable for everyone and doesn’t make me feel any better about myself. 

My family is not nearly as terrible as I make them out to be but that doesn’t make me any less scared of going home.

Instead of judging people for the things they may say against me, I want to be able to pray for them and lift them up in love.

I want to love as Christ has loved us.

I want to be so confident in my faith that I would be more than willing to die for Christ, regardless of the circumstances. Whether I must lead a life of suffering or face an immediate, I want to be willing. Even if I am imprisoned or socially outcasted or physically punished, I want to still stand tall and firm in my faith. Knowing that my God is so much greater than anything on this Earth.