#'i can promise him my first born theres no way ill have a child' *makes the child*

[4tarosho]

ive never been this excited for a sex scene. not because i want it to happen but because This Will Have So Many Consequences

[sweater-daddiesdumbdork]

Interrupted

Summary- Curtis Everett x Y/N. Illness just seems to keep popping up in the tail end. Thinking it was finished, you and Curtis spend some time together or try to anyways. Smut- Oral.

Word Count- 6.5k

Your head was tipped forward against your knees, listening to the breathing in the bunk above you, it was raspy and shallow, so shallow. You didnt dare leave the bedside for more then a few minutes, and it had been days. You banned everyone else out of the area, since the virus was running rampant through the tail end.

You had banned everyone except Tonya from the area, Tonya refused to give you a choice, and you were grateful to have the woman there with you. You did your best to contain the virus, but it spread through the tail end rather quickly. With no medicine to distribute, it was almost impossible not to loose patients. So far youve seen the guards collect a few you couldnt help, and you could only mourn inside, not able to take a break among the sick and dying. Curtis tried several times to enter, only to have you stop him at the entrance, turning him around and pushing him away. Although he was one of the healthier members in the tail end, you wouldnt risk it.

Tonya slipped in and pulled up a stool next to you, frowning. “Girl you need some sleep. Get on out of here and I will sit with her.” Motioning to your current patient, and you shake your head, lifting it off your knees and looking at the girl. A teenager, what 14? 15? Hard to tell exact when they were train babies such as Melissa was, but she was struggling and you couldnt leave now.

“No Tonya, what if she needs me? I have to stay here.”

“Now Y/N, thats what Im here for. I dealt with Timmy being sickly right after he was born, I think I can keep watch over this child to.” Tonya placed her hand against Melissas forehead and then pulled back away.

“Still burning up, isnt she?” You ask, the girls face was flushed, sweat beading along her hair line and the blanket she was wrapped in shook as she shivered in her sleep.

“Yes, but the fever will break soon.”

“Well Im not leaving till it does.” Stubborn as always, you dip your forehead back against your knees, your hand moving up into the bed and taking the sick girls hand, squeezing lightly. Tonya doesnt pressure it further, but moves to attend to the other patient in the area, not nearly as sick, but still needing some mothers care to feel better. Soon enough Tonya could hear your softened breathing of sleep, and slipped out. She couldnt make you see reason, well... there is someone who certainly can.

Tonya marched right down the aisle, looking in all the usual spots she knew Curtis to frequent. Finally she found him with Grey, working on teaching defense techniques to a few others who had asked to learn. Right now Grey had Curtis pinned against the train wall, and as much as the larger man tried he couldnt break from his hold. “Okay man, I give.” he tapped his hand against the steel wall, and Grey released his hold. “Fuck, thought you were gonna take my arm right off that time.” He rolled his shoulder to loosen it back up when Tonya broke through the crowd. “Curtis, you gotta come get your girl.”

Frowning when he heard her, all the joking with the group gone. “Why? Whats wrong? Is she okay?” She had been in that damn medic area for days refusing to come out. She better not be fucken sick to. It was a risk, it had happened before, together you two had discussed it in the night, when you two usually talk over problems, In the end you had looked up at him in that way you do when you are being serious. “I cant not do anything Curtis.... I have to do whatever I can.” And now here he was, worried that your stubbornness put you in danger.

“No no, shes just fine.” Tonya smiled at him to ease the worry on his face, loosening as he moved to reach her, the two of them leaving the group. “Shes just bone tired and needs a good nights rest, she be sleeping now on the floor. Im sure you can move her without even waking her up.” Tonya ducked under the curtain, and sure enough you were slumped up against the frame, sound asleep. Curtis followed along inside and saw you curled up. “Oh baby... “ he whispered as he went over to you, easing a hand under your knees and embracing your back, Tonya kept the curtain open to carry you out.

You didnt even know, all you registered is familiar comforts, warmth, feeling that hollowed spot you normally fell asleep in, pressing your face in against his neck and sighing in your sleep. Feeling your breath brushing against his neck, and hearing that sigh, he chuckled softly at your soft noises and the way you curled up closer. Sliding you into the bunk, this is when you stirred, seeing him climb in behind you. “Curtis Everett, what do you think your doing, removing me?” you say groggily, moving to leave, but he catches you before you can get past him and places you back in your spot, his body blocking your exit. Unbuttoning the front of your coat, he looked at you sternly. “Tonya came to tell me you were passed out on the floor Babygirl.”

“Traitor...” You mutter but dont try to leave again, while Curtis removes your coat and eases you to sit back and you let him, cause you really are tired, and its nice to be taken cared of instead of the other way around. His hand grasps your calf and draws a leg up, removing your boot. Its not like he would let you get away anyways, once Curtis set his mind to something, that was just the way it was going to be. You had plenty of experience with that.

“So you need a break, a good nights sleep.” He draws off the other one and you shift back into your spot, folding arms over chest while he to draws off his own outer clothing to get comfortable, toeing off his boots in the process. Although your eyes are half closed your still fighting it. "Well I don't exactly know if I'm going to get a good night's sleep with you here." He yanked his beanie off and tossed it in your face, making you grin for the first time in a few days and you shoved it on your own head in retaliation.

"Mmmhhh, I love when you wear my clothes." He said as he stretched out to lay down, tugging on your shirt to join him. You yawned, one of those jaw popping ones that seemed to go on for ages. "Me to Curtis, Tonya promised to come get me if something happens?" His fingers brushed the shorter hairs near your temple back, the rest you had tightly wound in a braid. He missed being able to feel the tresses wrap around his hand, but tonight he let it go.

"She did, I made her swear it to me." Not really but he knew Tonya wouldnt hesitate to get them

"Liar, you did no such thing.... You know you dont have to stay, I'm sure it's not that late really. I can still hear the group at Gilliams" you rubbed your face in his shoulder and already worked a hand under his shirts to slide your palm lazily against his chest, your hand coming to a pause at his side, leaving it stretched across his stomach and chest Yea theres no way your letting me leave, he thought, amused you made the effort to offer though. Efficiently wrapping yourself around him, his fingers shifted from your temple down to rub along your back. "Baby we haven't been together like this is days... I missed you. Its hard to sleep alone now, it's cold and to big."

You grumble into the collar of his shirt. "You just miss the cramped sex." Snorting in muffled giggles.

"Well yea.... That to." He teased back, tilting your face up with the press of his fingers against your chin, catching your lips in a teasing kiss. "I'm a man, I got specific needs after all. Like being able to drag you off to bed."

"Mmmhm, and that's the only thing?" You nuzzle your face back against his shoulder. Its okay if I close my eyes, you think.

"The only thing worth anything tonight" He claimed and paused, sensing you must have nodded off. Your breathing was shallow exhales against his neck and your silence stretched longer then usual. Now that your finally relaxed and getting some rest, Curtis allows himself to relax and drift off. He wasnt lying when he said he had been having trouble himself getting sleep, although he wasnt complaining. You were doing what you needed to to keep people alive, he felt like he already didnt deserve you, he couldnt keep you to himself.

The hours passed without any disturbances till much later, what is now considered ‘Morning’ for the tail enders. Tonya made her way down the aisle, counting bunks. It wouldnt bode well to disturb someone else, and they all looked about the same. But she came to the one she suspected to be yours and Curtis shared space. “Curtis?” Tonya quietly says his name and Curtis reaches over to slid the curtain open enough to look out. “Yea? Everything okay Tonya?” His brow came together in worry, raising his hand to rub over his face, draw out the sleep his body was still wanting to fall back into.

“Yea Yea Curtis, I was just coming to tell you all that everything is fine, Melissas fever broke and she has already sat up and asked for a bit of food. So you tell Y/N not to rush back quite yet.”

Curtis looked over his shoulder to see you had your face buried in against the crook of your arm, and hadnt even stirred. Looking back at Tonya and smiling, he nodded. “Dont worry, I wont let her go yet to soon. Shes finally sleeping, and Im not gonna mess with that unless I have to.” Tonya gave a nod and bid farewell to Curtis, which he closed the curtain and slid back into the warmth of where you two slept. You still hadnt given any sign of waking, your shirt having ridden up your back, so he could let his palm slide against the warm softness of your lower back and the dip in your waist.

He let it slide gently, and then settle in heavily, the way you moaned and shifted in closer, seeking out the all familiar hardness and warmth, tugging your head to rest on his chest and a sigh signaled you had sunk back into that deep sleep. Your hand fisted into his shirt near his stomach and you wedged your leg around his. Wrapping yourself around Curtis, he kept his rubs on your back gentle, soothing. You stayed that way for a couple more hours, and Curtis was content to doze in and out during this period.

But when you woke up, it was with a jerk, your head lifting and not registering where you were, your hand pressed against his lower stomach making him gasp a bit as you sat up. “Oh shit, Curtis Im sorry” You squeak, his hat you stolen earlier was hanging half off your head, hair pulled out of your braid all curling around your face. He rubbed his lower stomach, and chuckled with a groan. “Its okay baby, but jeeze! You woke up like someone stuck you with a hot poker, why?” He moved to an elbow, half on his hip to face you.

“My patient, it occurred to me I should check on Melissa.” You confess with a guilty look, and Curtis reached up, removing his hat, and brushing back your hair with his hand. You looked like you were caught doing something wrong, although if he had it his way, you wouldnt have moved, rather content himself having you wrapped all around him.

“Tonya already came Babygirl, Melissa is fine. Her fever broke middle of the night, and shes asked for food, water. Sitting up.” Your eyes widen and a smile breaks out as you cant help contain the overall relief and joy you feel hearing that. “Oh thank god.... “ You breath out and lay on your back near where Curtis is leaning on his elbow looking down. Studying you for a moment, then saying. “You will feel better if you go check on her wont you.” You give a sheepish smile and nods, making him roll his eyes.

“Okay, lets go Y/N. Pain in the ass” He mutters teasing as you two get on your boots, and he slides out, turning around and grasping you around your waist, he lifts you down. Right now nothing could ruin your good mood, your patient was going to be okay. After all the one who came to you to late to help, you saved one. You considered it a win given the conditions you all live in. Pausing Curtis, you dont want him possibly getting sick, but no regards to yourself, you dart right on in. Curtis waits all of five seconds and just follows you in as well.

“Hey Melissa” You say as you go to the girl, Tonya doing some wash off in the corner and hanging stuff around to dry. The girl grins, picking at a protein block. How you wish you could get that girl some of your moms chicken noddle soup like you had back in the day. But she seemed so much better, some proper color in her face, her eyes werent that burning red, no runny nose or heavy wet coughs like a couple days ago.

“Hey Y/N, Curtis” she nods to the both of you, smiling. You perch on the edge of the bed, and reach out to touch her forehead. It was nice and cool this time around, the fever seemed to be truly gone. “Tonya said if you thought it was fine, I could probably walk around a bit today, my legs are itching for a stretch.” She leaned forward to grab her toes, effectively stretching her legs and back in the process, but it certainly wouldnt hut. “I dont see why you cant, just dont wander off to far and stick to the aisle.” You smile at the girl, whom in turn looks so relieved, you glance at the other bed and see it empty. Turning to ask Tonya, she never looked up from her project.

“I sent them on there way. It was nothing but an bit of wanting attention.” You smirk and look at Curtis and he scowls a bit, rolling eyes. He was in no way acting like that.

“Everything sounds good then, best day weve had in weeks.” You move to a stand and head to leave. “I will go tell Gilliam, so he can spread the news that short of a patient, we seem to be on the mend.” Tonya nodded, and once more the two of you left.

Once you were further away, you tugged on Curtis coat and backed the two of you in between a set of Pipework, dragging him down to kiss him deeply. You caught him by surprise for all of 2 seconds, but he responded in kind, an hefty moan coming from his throat, and his hands grasped your ass. Curtis pulled you up to your tip toes, to press against his hips so you can feel him getting hard just for you, so you could feel his whole body coiled, ready to claim you are his. Your hands grasp his biceps to hold onto, letting him lead the kiss now, his tongue filling your mouth, his lips pulling on yours till they were swollen, red. Once he broke, you were left panting softly, not really from loss of air, but in need.

“If it hadnt been like 2 weeks, I would ask why” He growls, squeezing your ass again as he finishes lifting you to perch on the edge of one of the water pipes, and your biting your lip looking at him in the same lust that he now had blazing in his eyes.

“Why is because its been 2 weeks Curtis that Im like this, you think I was implying it was just you needing some of that TLC Tonya was talking about?” Your hands cant help themselves, prying up his shirt enough to reach underneath the hem and sliding your hands over his stomach and chest, sure to curl your fingers and letting your nails slide slowly down over his nipples, along his pecs, sure to trail over his abs. He shuddered under your touch, and your legs part to draw him in closer, wrapping your thighs around his hips, letting yourself lean into him, tracing an ear with your lips, whimpering. “Fuck I have missed you Curtis Everett” You nip at his ear lobe, sucking on it.  

This caused a slight rumble from his chest as he pulled in against where you were perched, and rolling your hips in against where his erection was achingly large bulge in his pants. Two weeks might not have been that long, but you was feeling it now in every way that counted and you were shrugging off your coat and dropping it, Curtis pressed up your shirt, impatient to tease you, he nipped on one hard tip already sensitive to the fabric. Dragging your teeth across your bottom lip and grasping his head to press him closer.

You start squirming, his mouth making your bra wet and clinging to your skin, his teeth still sharp through the fabric, whimpering sharply to get his attention, pressing your feet against the back of his thighs. “Curtis. Get. It Off!” you stressed about your bra, but he just tilts his head to tease the opposite side, a glance up of his blue eyes chuckling at you before he slid his hands up to finish getting rid of your shirt. “Impatient baby girl? I was having fun.” You give him a glaring look at his smug teasing one and go to take your bra off.

He caught your wrists though before you could, clicking his tongue against his teeth. “Oh I will take it off when Im ready.... “ His hand going up your back and toying with the clasp but not releasing it yet. His head dipped against yours and he claimed your lips, in more of a bite then a kiss, your tongue daring to meet his, the only opening he needed to turn it into a strong heated kiss, he actually pulled you a bit forward in it, where you wrapped your arms around his neck to keep from falling off the pipework

Suddenly you felt his hand yank your bra away and a warm hand clasp around a breast, pushing and squeezing, you hadnt even realized he unclasped it in the first place. He sucked on the curve as he plumped it towards his mouth, dipping a hand to rub between your thighs, tracing that cored center that was covered in clothing, damn in the way clothing. You so wanted to feel those thick fingers just open you right up for him, plunging into you over and over till you came undone all over him.  

“You all wet and messy down there baby?” A nod on your part, rocking your hip and groaning when you felt him push back so you could get some friction.Your starting to pant, and fist your hands into his coat so you could lever yourself further, and thats when your name, once more for the hundredth fucking time, it felt like in those two weeks, was called. No, fuck no!, your mind is crying out in frustration, and he curses much more louder at having your moment taken away. You give a soft cry when he moves his hand and clasps your thigh as your still jerking slightly to keep you seated on the pipework, and moving enough so your naked chest would be covered by his broad shoulders. “I know baby, just hold on.”

Hiding your face against his chest, you could feel the rumble start before he even yelled out “Shes occupied! Is this an emergency?” And the person looking for you paused, now seeing Curtis just beyond some of the pipework, glaring over his shoulder at them. “Errr- well no, not really, we were just-” Curtis cut him off right there. “Get the fuck out of here now. She will find you later... “ There was a pause and a wide eyed look, he turned on his toes and promptly walk away. Your hands smooth against Curtis chest, trying not to laugh, biting the inside of your cheek as you peek up. Oh the frustration you were feeling was written all over his face. But a thoughtful look crossed. “Do you trust me?”

“Uhhh with my life yes, why?”

He reached down to yank your discarded coat off the floor and wrapped it around you, and then grabbed your other discarded clothing. Pressing a shoulder to your midsection, he lifted you off the pipework with a clasped hand over your ass, making you laugh and try to twist enough to look him in the face. “Curtis! what are you doing?” You duck your head to keep from looking at people you two were passing. Not that it mattered, everyone knew who you were. He seemed to be looking for an empty lower bunk, and he dropped you in one, skittering back as he followed you in.

There was no slowing Curtis down, he slipped his coat off. “Take your coat off, mines bigger” You did as he asked, unsure why. Nervous as anyone walking by could probably see you, he shrugged his off and draped it around you, yanking off his shirts and balled them up to toss them in the corner of the bunk. “Pants off” He directed and you worked them down, falling back to kick them off. Kneeling before you, his hands clasped around your waist and he fell back, dragging you to straddle his chest, your hands slapping against the bunks frame work to keep from falling forward. “Curtis!” you exclaim in surprise, and he shifts enough to get himself comfortable.

“I want you to ride my face.”

“Ride your face?!” You tried tightening your thighs at the idea, but his shoulders are firmly wedged between your knees. “I would suffocate you.”

“Babygirl, your not going to suffocate me. Its going to make you feel so good. Didnt you say you trusted me?” his tongue darted on his lip in anticipation, blue eyes flashing for you to take the challenge, to trust what he wanted. You worked your own lip, nervous, intrigued at the idea. He splayed out his coat you were still wearing, making it so you two were tented. Curtis though got a full view of you, from how you were seated. Your wet little pussy pressing against his chest, your stomach tightening, although you had nothing to worry about, to your breasts, so perfect in the way the fit his hands, how responsive you were to his tongue. Fuck you were beautiful, and all his. Always will be all his. A smirk flashed up at you, and his hands cupped your heart shaped ass, sliding fingers around the curves and pressing against your cheeks. “Come on babygirl, let me taste that pretty little pussy, let it just soak my face.”

You bite your cheek, and then nod, arching up to shift closer and hover over his face, still nervous about what hes asking for. But once you committed, he guided you in closer and before you could pull back, he buried his face into your pussy, giving a deep swipe through your slick folds where you had been so close to coming last time. “Oh-OH!” you huff and look to find anything to grab onto, lifting your arms above your head to grasp the metal frame work. His arms fold over your thighs to keep you from lifting away from him, and actually press you down onto his face harder.

There was thick long licks filling your entrance and up to flick his tongue against your clit, swirling figure eights around the swollen bud till it was driving you mad, then sharp bite would tug on it, swelling further, teasing more till a gush of arousal would flood you, making him groan in appreciation. The hairs of his beard would burn your folds, scratching the tender skin. You couldnt pull away if you wanted to. Fuck you didnt want to, he was making you feel uncontrolled bliss, your hips rolling to follow his tongues strokes.

He moved his hands, moving from your thighs to dig into your lower back and continue pushing you down on his face. Muffled, but you still heard him say. “So fucken good sweetheart.” The compliment, and that particular curl of his tongue filling you along with the plunge of fingers curling in a come hither motion when he added that extra stretch, stroking your overly tender channel made your eyes roll back, and you fought some of the pressure he had on your back from his remaining splayed hand,  his hold was relentless, and you fucked his face cause that was all your body was capable of doing. There was no holding your self back, crying out his name. “Curits Oooh god!”

Humming underneath you, Curtis didnt hold back, enjoying every bit of you, from the way your pussy flooded in arousal, the roll of your hips slicking across his face, to those tiny mewls and squeals when he licked at a particularly delicious spot, and you would clench yourself around his fingers. It was sloppy, messy and Curtis was all set to be doing this again with you.

“Curtis- ah, baby. Fuck.... “

Another curling lick and several deep pumps of his digit in your tight hole.

“Mmmhhh yes baby?” He muttered before circling your clit once more, dragging his tongue over it and sucking the button between his teeth, rolling gently to hear you whine once more and reach down to clasp his head, pressing him in tighter.

“Oh sonofabitch” your words are whined out, run together in a lust filled cry. “Baby, I cant hold back anymore...”

You could feel him chuckling underneath you, his hand shifting from your back and sliding to find your breast, squeezing firmly to help you along. You grab your other one, the firm sting bringing you higher. “Then what are you waiting for, let me have it.”

You panted, you grind on him, at this point you were all about reaching that snap, and Curtis was fine helping you along, finding your g-spot, he rubbed the pads of his fingers across, it, lapped at your juices dripping and was sure to pay attention to your clit once more, teasing that little trigger bud. Chanting his name helped, maybe it was your way of telling him that you were his, you had no idea. It just fell from your parted lips, and gasping breaths. Your anchor from flying much to high. The man was bringing you to burn in your orgasms flames, but his name was your anchor to keep you safe. You allowed to waves to rock your body in quakes, his hands embracing you to keep you from falling. You squirted, several times, and diligent he cleaned the mess before easing you back a bit, and moving to a sit, cradling you in his lap.

You felt like liquid bliss in his arms, supple and content, maybe even a bit tired, although in your opinion he did all the work. Curtis hand came up to wipe his face clean, his beard though, still glistened from your mess, and honestly that just made you feel so damn sexy knowing that. You blush slightly, thinking about what you just did, and he grinned, feathering kisses across your face. “I dont know about you babygirl, but I really enjoyed that”

“Yea Curtis that was.... that was intense.” You admitted, stretching out your arms and rolling your wrists to stretch out. Your whole body just felt so content in that moment, wrapping his coat a bit further around you to keep yourself hidden from any passerbys. This wasnt the safety of your bunk. There was no curtain to hide the two of you away, although there was an abundance of shadows, and his black coat did well in keeping the two of you out of sight. Quiet though... well there was no real way to keep quiet.

“Im voting we do that again soon.” He is tilting your face to meet his and he kissed you slowly, you moaned softly at your taste now flooding you now, it was sinful, and you were loving it, rubbing your body against him, licking and sucking on his bottom lip, you pulled back and bit your lip. Curtis roamed his hands over your body, settling against the swell of your hips, loving how affectionate you were, that he was able to turn you on and satisfy you in any way you needed. Curtis was sure to see the flare of red in your cheeks, and the hushed whisper as if you were worried someone would hear you.

“Do tell why we never did that before” you thoroughly enjoyed it, and your hand found his erection pressing into his pants, forming your palm around him and stroking through the fabric. You were rewarded by his shuddering form, and a hiss between his teeth as his jaw snapped shut. After all he made you feel good, very good... it would only do to return the favor. Curtis let his head fall forward, the sensations riddling his body. Something so simple as your touch could bring so much pleasure. The slightly squeeze of your palm cupping around him made him throb, ache, need.

You leaned forward to whisper in his ear. “Oh Curtis, so big.” Nipping on his jawline and breathing in against his skin. It was a comforting feeling, your lovers hands so possessive holding onto your hips and the way he grew, hard, how whole body rigid just from your touch. He had the power over you, and you had the power over him, and how you loved giving him this kind of bliss, when the world would narrow between the two of you, just for a little while.

Dragging your tongue along the pulse of a vein in his neck, just a little more pressure, a little more friction causing his deep rumble from his chest making you squeeze your thighs together excitedly. He had rumbled frequently in a similar fashion when he was eating you out as a man starved, your hands moved up from his erection to tug on his pants. It was then another voice called your name out, the tone stressed as it searched you out. Your eyes lifted to meet Curtis, and his darkened gaze snapped in frustration, cursing out. “Son of a fucking bitch... “ The tight grasp he had on your bare hips loosened and went to tug his jacket wrapped around your body closed to cover your nakedness, and he moved to sit on the edge of the bunk you two just happened to be occupying to block the majority of the view behind him.

Curtis rubbed at his head, and his gaze sought out the woman further down, looking and asking for you, pausing at random people, her words hurriedly rushed only to meet with shaking heads and shrugs. He could tell she was a bit scared, a bit panicked. Great. Behind him, your hands slipped on his back as you curled up behind him, looking over his shoulder to see the same thing he did. “Curtis we have to help her” Your words were soft in his ear, and for once he wanted to ask, why? We dont know her... But instead he barked out a “Hey! down here” and she rushed to you two. “Oh thank god... please, its my son. I dont know whats wrong with him.”

You can see the panic riddling her face, how could you say no. “Of course, give me five minutes... Kathy, right?” you say, your hands still rubbing against Curtis back to calm him, you could feel him still on edge from playing earlier, from getting interrupted again. Kathy nodded and you smiled reassuringly. “Bring him to the medic area, Tonya might be there.”

You watched her rush away and you nuzzled Curtis neck, kissing softly before puling away to put clothes on, Curtis fell back, cursing once more under his breath. “I swear to fucking god, one day were going to have a room, with a fucking steel door.” That made you chuckle softly as you clasp your bra back on and tug on your shirt, moving to lean over him and nipped his lips, mummering against them. “Why steel? To keep everyone out?” you pulled back away to grab your panties and pants to tug them on. He smirked as he tipped his head back further to watch you, flashing him a nice glimpse of your ass, the wiggle making him rub his palm against his chest, spiking his heart rate. “Keep them out, maybe keep you in more like.”

That caused you to arch a brow at him and move over to the edge, sitting next to him to put your boots on. “Good luck with that handsome.” you shake your head while leaning down to wrap the shoestring around the boot a few times and tie it in the front, then double knotting it. You straighten out and pat his chest. “But you can try, I will let you have that.” Your about to get up and his hand catches you gently.

“I will be by in a few, m’kay?” He pulled himself up to sit, and looked behind to grab his shirt he had ditched earlier. Nodding as you go to a stand “Take your time, Im sure its nothing. We will pick this up later, dont think Ive forgotten I owe you a little something something” You teased as you got up and left him. Curtis watched you head down and groaned as he reached behind to get the coat you were wearing earlier, wrapping his hand in the still warm fabric, shrugging it on with a soft smile just for himself thinking of how much you had enjoyed yourself. Giving a slight whistle that was out of character for him, he went to go check on another matter.

Entering the medic area, you reach your hands into a bucket of water and give them a quick scrub, looking over at your patient. His face was drawn, dark circles under his eyes and his hand was pressed against his stomach. You are sure to smile at the boy when he looks at you, and you go to kneel before him so your level with him. His mother, Kathy fretted nearby, but you focused on the boy.

“Hi, my names Y/N” you hold out your hand as you would with any adult to shake hands. He glances at it a moment, and slips his smaller one in yours. Giving a pump, you drop it. “Your mom tells me your not feeling good, wanna tell me about that?”

His hand went back to his belly, and he took a deep breath, turning green, the look of being about to vomit crossing his drawn face. Oh damn! You move to get back up and take his hand. “Over here quick” You lead him to the sink and he drops his head in. Your hand rubs his back while he gags into it, Kathy coming up behind the two of you. “Jacks been that way all day, there isnt even anything left for him to toss.” You nod and once the boy finishes heaving under your hands, you bring him back to sit down on the edge of a bunk. “How long you been feeling this way Jack?”

He looked so dejected before you, humping forward a bit as he leaned his hands on either side of his legs, pressing them against the mattress, and his shoulders pulled in and together. “Since last night...”

“Did you eat or drink anything unusual Jack?” You questioned while searching him, your fingers brushing along his face, searching his eyes, feeling his forehead. He felt warm, but that could be caused from him just upchucking and heaving. Giving a shake of his head, you eased him to lie down. “You eat just your protein bar, did someone give it to you or did you pick it out of the wagon?”

“No mom got it for me” Which Kathy nodded to confirm.

“Its just easier if I go then having him wait in line, they know Im a parent so the guards dont give much of a fuss when I take two or three bars. It was just like any other time, I grabbed two off the top.”

Listening, you turned back to Jack and had him open his mouth to see if it was discolored. Afterwards you secured a bucket to be near the bunk, you had suspicions as to what was going on, how easy would it be for them to mess with there food and water supply. Certainly not wanting to cause Kathy to panic, you pull up a blanket around the boy. “Kathy, stay with Jack and I will be right back” Excusing yourself, you looked both ways trying to figure out where Curtis was, biting your lip in indecision until you saw him heading your way. Twisting to head his way, the smile on his face was a rare occurrence and you didnt really want to take it away. “Hey babygirl, just coming to see you.”

“Curtis, we got a problem I think.” You pull him off to the side for a second of privacy, spitting out what you walked into, getting to the last part.  “I think they are putting poison in our food”

“Well hold on, are you sure Y/N? I mean, so far its just the one case.” He frowned, rubbing the back of his neck. “If we think our food is getting poisoned, its going to cause panic.”

Maybe you were jumping the gun, your arms folding over themselves and you glanced back towards the medic bay, biting your lip. You could be over reacting. The moment of indecision was soon taken away from you, Curtis could see that it was a battle behind your eyes, and his fingers grasped your chin, making him look at you.

“Wait a few days and see if there are anymore cases. If there is, then we will discuss as a group with Gilliam.”

You nodded, of course. It made sense not to cause a panic.

@curtisbbq​ @what-is-your-plan-today​ @jtargaryen18​ @p8tn0lish​ @stardancerluv​ @jeremyrennerfanxxxx123​ @official-and-unstable-satan​ @thatweirdwalangpake @imanuglywombat​

[estevand]

This is the woman Ive loved for 5 years. this was only 2 years into our relationship. I have had a rough life. Most of us all have. I lost my sister at 8 years old. I had to go through being judged for being a dark skinned kid with a white mother. The amount of times my family and I will be out somewhere and someone says to my mother “ Oh its so wonderful that you adopted all these kids” all because my one sister is full white and me and my other siblings arent Is fucking appalling. I was forced to drop out of highschool at 17. I’ve never had a father figure. After my sister died he tried to come back. and after my sister died my mom just emotionally and mentally gave up. my stepdad was an abusive alcoholic. and my mother has been a very non faithful woman to every man she dated after my step dad. Theres honestly so much more to talk about but theres no point. Id be writing a fucking bible if i were. But this woman. This beautiful, crazy, caring, selfless, goofy monument of a woman. She is the reason I have kept myself out of trouble. I was not in a good place when we met. I was hanging out with the wrong people. I was doing xanax everyday. multiple bars a day sometimes. I was such a lost soul just searching for a purpose. I had absolutely no idea what I was supposed to do with my life. I felt worthless. I had a job but that didnt mean anything to me. Ive always been the outcast. Ive always kept to myself and been a very shy person. But when I met her, The feeling of worthlessness was gone. We met at cheerleading. We both did competitive cheerleading at the same gym. When I first saw her walk in the gym I remember I looked to my friend Jared. I looked at him and said “ who the hell is that” and he looked at me and just laughed. We both knew she was out of my league, and there was no way that she would even give me the time of day. She walked with this aura. By aura I mean she had an atmosphere to her. When she would walk past me I would just have this gut feeling. I knew she was everything I ever wanted in a woman. She was stunning. Just the way she walked around the gym. It was almost like she knew that my eyes were constantly on her. I was just struck by this sense of “You NEED to be MINE”. I still remember the first time we kissed. We weren’t dating. We were at a competition in D.C. we were in the bleachers watching other teams perform. The smell of Aquanet, and cheap shitty convention center food in the air. Me and her friend who was also on our team. I remember the lights from the stage shining back towards us every couple seconds. I timed it so every time the light came back to us I would quickly stare at her. It wasnt because it was dark. It wasnt because of how her cheer makeup was done. Every time I looked at her I felt home. I couldnt help but stare at the beauty literally shining off of her. The way she looked off into the distance, just made me so love struck. It was like I was discovering a new emotion. I thought I had loved previous girlfriends before. But this was real. I remember her looking away. I got closer to her. I cant remember What I actually said but I remember catching her off guard. I leaned in and she just was ready for it just as I was. When our lips touched it was other worldly. the feelings I got I had never felt with anyone. Thats when I knew. I knew I was going to be with her forever. we became best friends before we even started dating. We were so comfortable with each other it was insane. I mean for 3 years straight we were inseparable. We both moved out together. I was her first boyfriend. She was my first real girlfriend. We were so in love. So happy. Now I’m alone and terrified. I fucked up multiple times in our relationship. I watched my mother cheat on every man shes ever been with. I cheated. I still dont know why. Maybe it was me being so selfish because I had everything I wanted. Maybe it was because I watched my mother cheat on every man she dated. Maybe its because Im actually fucking stupid. I dont know. What I do know is theres no excuse for it. I gave up my perfect relationship. The woman that gave me my first born child. for someone who I never wouldve even looked twice at if i passed them on the street. I had no idea what I had. I’ve now spent months working to get my relationship with her back on track. When she left me I wasnt just broken hearted. I was dead. Literally emotionally dead. I had no feelings for anyone or anything. I tried doing everything I do to make me happy. I tried playing video games, I tried working out, I tried playing music. Nothing could over come the feeling of self hatred and self humiliation. But than I sat there and thought to myself. This is what I made her feel. She did nothing to me to make me cheat. I broke her god damn heart. The woman that I promised my late sister that I would never hurt. I destroyed her trust for me. no matter how much I try to prove to her shell never be able to look at me the same. Im still the same person. I just fucked up and wasnt grateful for what I had. I’ve been living with this demon weighing on me. Knowing I did what I did. something I promised myself that I would never do. I did it to the one person that actually mattered to me. It’s so hard having to try and rebuild what I had with her because I know deep down the only reason she is even giving me a chance to try and be anything with her again is because we have a kid together. Ive prayed so much just hoping that god will help me. I didnt even believe in god until I met her. But she changed that. just like how she changed my whole life, I want nothing more than to be back together and be a family again. its so fucking disappointing. Knowing that I’m that scumbag. But I’m a human. I’m learning everyday and growing everyday. I want to be the man she can trust. I want to be the man that she knows I am. And most importantly I want my son to have two loving parents that love each other to no limits. I just need her back in my life. Even if she decides to tell me she can never be with me again. I’ll accept it. Even tho I’m gonna be devastated. I’ll accept. Because at the end of the day thats the girl I love. If shes gonna be happy with someone else unfortunately thats what i want for her. I guess thats how you know our love was real. Because even if she was with someone else I’d still love her like i did 5 years ago. Id still love her like I did a year ago, a month ago, a week ago. Id still love her like I do now. But I want her happy. If she cant be happy with me than the choice is already made. so for now I’ll keep praying. Ill keep on the path im on working and trying to get our relationship mended. All I want is to have the love of my life back. I’ve realized the things I’ve done wrong. And I just want to fix it. 

[owakoblack-portspa]

A Dream of Bethlehem

Fandom: Hetalia: Axis Powers

Pairings: Knights Hospitaller x Knights Templar; Prussia x South Italy

Characters: Teutonic Knights/Prussia (Gilbert),  Knights Templar (Chris),  Knights Hospitaller (Giovanni),  Kingdom of Sicily/South Italy (Lovino)

1

It is not a very good day to go to Acre, not a very good day at all, people warn little Gilbert. The deeper you go into the city, the more dangerous it becomes, people say. But I am a knight, I am not afraid, Gilbert braces himself. He has seen blood flowing like a river, he has seen corpses piling up a mountain, but he has never seen a hell like this, right in the heart of the capital of the Holy Land. In the streets of Acre, where Christians fight Christians, where brothers kill brothers, homicide and fratricide become natural, even though themselves are not natural at all--it is not a holy land, it is a wild world inhabited by evils. To Gilbert’s utter disgust, after the fall of the Genoese flag, advance the crimson Hospitaller banner and a group of knights in black uniforms into the burning street. ‘Wait, can’t you spare the citizens’ houses?’ Gilbert stands in front of the charging army, but he is unwilling to draw up his sword. ‘And can’t you see the Venetians are our enemies? Step aside, child!’ a tall Hospitaller waves his naked sword towards the little albino. A heavy sound of two clashing swords--a white knight shields Gilbert from the gigantic man, and a string of blood instantly spills onto the red petit cross embroidered on the chest. Even though his left palm is pierced by the sword, and an ugly, bloody hole appears as his enemy’s sword is swiftly and cruelly drawn away, the knight does not show any sign of fear, and quite on the contrary, his angelic face still keeps on smiling. ‘Brother Chris!’ ‘Christien!’

Two boys cry out at the same time. As Gilbert is lying on the ground and Chris is standing in front of him to protect, Giovanni appears just in time, his handsome face furious and sweaty. ‘Stop! The little one is the Teutonic Knights! Our ward!’ Giovanni shouts angrily to the tall Hospitaller. The anonymous Hospitaller sheathes his sword immediately, despite Giovanni the teenager looks much younger than him. ‘I’m sorry, Your Eminence,’ the Hospitaller now looks pallid and trembles like a leaf, ‘I didn’t mean to hurt His Eminence the Order of the Temple, but...’ ‘It’s nothing.’ Chris waves his injured palm impatiently to everyone, smiling as usual, ‘I love playing the role of a martyr. I am so glad that I protected little Gil, in spite of the fact that YOU are his guardian, Gio.’ Giovanni can tell the satire in Chris’ words, but he is not going to argue with a wounded person--after all, his another profession is doctor. ‘Let me see your wound, Christien.’ Giovanni’s voice becomes softer, but firm. ‘I’ve told you it’s nothing.’ Chris’ face becomes paler as he draws his sword in a position of defence, his flaming purple eyes threatening, ‘If you dare to touch me, I’ll revenge myself on you now!’ Giovanni stops short, staring at the blond with sudden coldness, ‘I won’t if I can.’ Then he turns to Gilbert, and raises up the little boy, ‘Are you alright, Gilbert? I’ve promised the Kingdom of Sicily to take care of you. I hope you’re not hurt.’ ‘Don’t treat me like a child!’ Gilbert’s reddened eyes make him look more like a rabbit, and he jumps high to protest. Giovanni does not take his protest seriously. He simply holds up Gilbert’s clenching hand, and retreats with his army, without casting another look at Chris, who remains standing in silence .

‘Brother Gio, can’t you treat Brother Chris a little better? He has saved me! And of all things, why do you two fight each other? You both are christian military orders!’ At the Hospitaller headquarters, Gilbert enquires. ‘The Knights Templar are stronger than us. If we don’t fight to protect ourselves, we’ll be destroyed by them.’ Giovanni replies calmly. ‘Why do the Knights Templar want to destroy you? Brother Chris in fact is very kind-hearted. Even though he knows I am on your side, he teaches me combat skills...hoops!’ Gilbert just realises that he has leaked the secret between Chris and himself. ‘Gilbert, you know I’m not happy to hear this. I hope you won’t betray me as you’ve developed a good relationship with my archrival.’

It has been a week since Chris was injured, and since that day, Gilbert has been bringing medicine to the Templar castle on Giovanni’s command as a punishment of his ‘betrayal’. What Giovanni requires Gilbert to keep in mind, is that Gilbert must not let Chris know who is actually prescribing medications. However, in the end, Gilbert cannot help telling the truth to Chris, ‘Brother Chris, I really hope you can stop fighting with Brother Gio. You see, he regrets what he’s done to you, and sends...’ ‘I hope Gio is not behind this, otherwise I will not accept medicine from you any more.’ Chris interrupts quickly. ‘Why do you hate Brother Gio so much, Brother Chris?’ ‘I hate him for not sending me medicine, and I will hate him more if he asks you to send me medicine. In sum, I just hate him.’ Chris strokes his bandaged left palm with tender passion, but Gilbert is too young to observe this detail or understand these words.

After this street fight, the two gangs seem to have ceased fire for a while, not only because one of their leaders is injured, but also because the festive spirit is approaching. In the Cathedral of Acre, people busy themselves with the preparation of the biggest event of the year--Christmas. The interior of the church is semi-decorated, and still more flowers and plants are coming. ‘Gilbert, have you understood the ceremony process that I’ve just told you?’ Giovanni bends down to speak in the ear of the absent-minded little knight. Both of them stand beside the alter. Gilbert jumps, and finally turns his attention from revery to the taller knight, ‘Sorry, what did you just say?’ ‘Could you tell me why you can’t take your eyes off the audience seats in the church? Are you expecting someone?’ Giovanni frowns. ‘Brother Gio, do you know if Frater will visit Acre for Christmas?’ Gilbert asks carefully. ‘Yes, the Kingdom of Sicily told so me in a letter. And he will attend the Christmas mass as well.’ On hearing the news, Gilbert reacts dramatically: firstly his jaw drops, then his grin broadens, and finally he raises his hands high up in the air, ‘Hallelujah! What a good tiding!’ ‘Calm down yourself, Gilbert! Shouting is forbidden in the church. And if you don’t want Sicily to be disappointed with you, you have to work hard in preparation, understood? It’s your first time to celebrate Christmas, there’re many things for you to learn.’ ‘I know, I know! I’ll work hard for Frater, and on Christmas I’m going to pay my homage to Frater, and then I’ll become a real knight! I’m so awesome! Everything’s going to be perfect! Kesesese!’ Gilbert laughs happily. ‘Don’t be too proud, Gilbert. You have to work hard to achieve your goal. Remember: no pain, no gain.’ ‘But there’s someone lazier than me! Even though Brother Chris’ wound is getting much better, he never comes to the rehearsal, and he’s going to sing in the choir!’ ‘Christien’s done the mass many times so he doesn’t need much rehearsing, and in fact, I don’t think he wants to see me.’ Giovanni looks at the choir practicing singing in a corner of the church, which is consisted of young boys in white dresses. The most beautiful one is missing, just as he has expected.

2

The Cathedral of Acre has already been enunciated with devout Christians hours before the bells announce the approach of Christmas and the beginning of the Christmas Midnight Mass. The interior of the cathedral is full of the festive spirit, decorated with myriads of flowers, draperies, hangings, ribbons, and candles, making this spacious sacred place shine with all colours of the solar spectrum. Now the congregation is holding its breath to hear the steps of the approaching holy moment, that is to say, waiting for the mass procession enter into the nave. After the bells strike twelve times, silence remains as if time stood still, so everybody turns their head to the church entrance to look for the priests and professed knights. After several seconds pass, finally, to everyone’s relief, the door opens, and a group of people in surplice solemnly walk in. At the head of them is little Gilbert with silver hair and red-pupiled eyes, swinging from side to side a golden, smoking censer in his hands. The little albino holds his chin high and looks straight ahead, so even the distant audience can tell from his rigid movements and his slightly reddened physiognomy that he is at the moment very nervous. Many in the congregation do know that for this new-born German military order, it must be his first time to perform holy services in such a big event, and accordingly they understand his nervousness and cross their fingers to pray for his success in the debut. Among the understanding, kind-hearted people, is Lovino, the Kingdom of Sicily, who comes all the way from Palermo for this special occasion, and who now sticks his little brown head out from the crowd into the aisle covered with red carpets, which makes him so distinct that even Gilbert’s sweat-filmed eyes cannot prevent the little knight from noticing this great kingdom from afar. Consequently, Gilbert starts short, as if petrified, but Lovino is no malicious Medusa--quite on the contrary, he is the most amiable personage here, so he tries to unlock the magic spell by waving his little hand and smiling sweetly to his little knight, to salute, and to encourage him. However, for Gilbert, this is more like an ignition before an explosion than a mere encouragement, for in response, stuffed of energy, he sets himself off high in the air like a rocket, the censer in his hands swinging like a mad turning wheel, spilling hot incense everywhere. All at once a commotion is caused--people sitting nearby the aisle stand up to run, only to find that within such a dense crowd running is almost impossible, thus some panic is caused as well. At this critical moment, Giovanni, who walks beside the bishop in the middle of the procession, dashes out to catch the censer which now is flying out of Gilbert’s hands, and fortunately, after the catch, he is agile enough to regain his balance in time, and stands upright with the golden censer safely contained in his hands. He makes some effort to restrain himself from panting heavily, and immediately resumes his solemn, imperturbable look to hide his shock of this unexpected episode. Realising what has just happened, Gilbert becomes the most panicked person in the cathedral. He dare not look at Lovino’s face to see his disappointment, so he looks down onto the floor, feeling too shameful for himself to move. Seeing this, Giovanni pats Gilbert’s shoulder from behind to urge him to proceed, otherwise the procession would be blocked even though Gilbert is short and tiny. Accordingly Gilbert moves on, and from now on, he becomes half absent-minded for his sense of guilt, head drooping. Despite this, the following process goes on smoothly, the episode is soon forgotten, the audience watch the performance of the servers quietly, listen to the priests’ sermons attentively, and respond by saying ‘amen’ when their heart is quite touched. However, Gilbert’s tribulations are not yet finished. As a novice, he is to give a speech in front of the holy altar, in the face of the public. It is a narration of the nativity, which should have been already familiar to any christian, so before the mass, Gilbert was so confident that he did not bring the script with him. Now, it is high time for Gilbert’s speech, and for the sake of the sense of guilt he is still sweating heavily as if he had just been fished out from the sea: ‘It was...it was in the year of four before Christ, before Christ was born. (A pause.) On the day when Christ was born, Mary found no place to lie down herself and give birth to her child, so she just...she just lied down on the floor, (some hiss from the audience) and she saw stars shining bright in the sky. Oh, I forget to say, (laugh from the audience) there was an angel coming from the sky to tell her that the child is the savior of mankind. So back to the night when Jesus was born, there were three magicians...(somebody hoots)’ Finally Gilbert’s frustrated voice seems to fade away, and people can hardly hear what the little knight is saying, and neither can they see his mouth moving, for he persists in hanging his head down. Lovino, who sits in the front row for the prerogatives possessed by such a great kingdom like him, clasps his hands all the time to pray for Gilbert, and he even dare not bat his big, radiant eyes lest they would distract his knight, but it seems all his prayers are in vain. Giovanni, who stands righteously and solemnly among the priests and servers, is as anxious as Lovino from the bottom of his heart. ‘Can anyone please do something?’ he asked without producing a sound.

‘--Long time ago in Bethlehem So the Holy Bible say Mary’s boy child, Jesus Christ Was born on Christmas day.’

Suddenly, people hear someone singing. At first, people think it is the ringing sound of a crystal stream, for it is so limpid, so pure; and then, when they realise that it is from above, they take it as the voice of an angel, for it is so beautiful and so unearthly, like a beam of light piercing through thick clouds to warm the earth, to fill everyone’s heart with bliss. While the confused audience are looking about themselves, only Giovanni immediately finds out whence the voice is from--he has heard this voice on every Christmas, and yet he still can hardly believe it--as soon as he hears the singing, he raises his head and looks up to the carved balcony facing the altar where he is standing by, and sure enough, he sees a thin, pale figure stand out of the choir boys, beneath the enormous silver organ. It is Chris who is singing. He is clad in white, laced surplice, his pale countenance becomes more tender in the radiance from the white texture, and his soft, curly blond hair makes him shine like a midnight sun. He is not yet grown up, his delicate human form hardly tells his gender, and therefore he looks more beautiful than any man or woman, and so clinks his sweet, heavenly singing voice. Here he stands, so pure he looks, so angelically he sings, even Giovanni has to admit that on this particular occasion, if Chris were not the messenger from God, he cannot tell who this sweet creature could be. ‘It’s the Knights Templar!’ a little girl cries out happily, and her mother quickly quiets her. Even Gilbert looks up from the floor to the balcony gratefully as if he has found his savior, so continues Chris:

‘While shepherds watched their flocks by night Them see a bright new shining star Them hear a choir sing The music seemed to come from afar.

Now, Joseph and his wife, Mary Come to Bethlehem that night Them find no place to born she child Not a single room was in sight.

By and by, they find a little nook In a stable all forlorn And in a manger cold and dark Mary’s little Boy was born.’

The choir boys standing behind Chris, who are also sweet-looking, though not as beautiful as he, begin to sing harmoniously, and all the people in the cathedral sing along:

‘Hark, now hear the angels sing A new king born today And man will live forevermore Because of Christmas day.’

Now everyone rejoices again, because they take part in such a beautiful choir led by an angel, and has never felt so close to God before.

In many aspects, the midnight mass is as successful as last year, so afterwards everybody goes home happily. However, in a dark corner of the sacristy, Gilbert is found sobbing quietly. Because others are gone, only Giovanni and Chris see him. Chris bends down over Gilbert, beaming innocently as ever, and says cheerfully, ‘Gil, don’t cry, it’s Christmas!’ ‘I’m so stupid, I know nothing of Christmas! I’m not fit for being a knight!’ Gilbert tries to conceal his tearful face by burying it between his crouching knees. Even though Giovanni was unhappy for Gilbert’s failures of performance at tonight’s mass, which he believes are the results of Gilbert’s arrogance and ignorance of his persuasion, his benign heart is touched by the little one’s sadness and frustration, so he attempts to comfort Gilbert: ‘To err is human. If you learn from experience, you’ll be forgiven.’ Nevertheless, Giovanni’s austere tone makes Gilbert feel more miserable, ‘Forgiven? Will I be forgiven by Frater? Perhaps I can’t never become his knight!’ ‘Gio, you frightened little Gil!’ Chris criticises his big rival, and continues to console Gilbert by an even more tender voice, ‘come on, Gil, I’ll show you something. I’m sure you’ll learn Christmas by heart. Don’t worry.’ He winks, stands up, and leads Gilbert to the courtyard of the cathedral. Giovanni does not trust Chris, so he follows them into the cool midnight air. Standing under the purple starry sky, Chris brings out from his pocket a plain stone cup. ‘I’m going to use this to bring us to the night when our Lord Jesus Christ was born. You can come with us if you want, Gio.’ ‘Wait, is this...the Holy Grail?’ Giovanni is astonished. ‘Exactly.’ Chris replies matter-of-factly. ‘I didn’t know you possess it.’ Giovanni says darkly, and quickly makes the sign of the cross. In secret, he feels his stomach aching--how come his rival obtains the most sacred relic in the christian world? ‘You don’t have to know everything,’ smiles Chris. It happens very fast. After a flash of blinding light, the three knights are altogether brought to another time and place. The time is still night, but the environment is changed into a dry, rocky wild land. ‘Look! There’s the bright shining star!’ Chris points to the enormous brilliant star hanging in the eastern sky. ‘What does this mean?’ Gilbert is bewildered by this strange environment. ‘Gilbert, how many times have I told you to read the Bible more carefully?’ Giovanni’s austere look makes Gilbert wince. ‘Relax, Gio. It’s the Holy Night, let’s behold the miracle!’ Chris leads the group to walk in the direction of the bright star. After a while, they see a manger at the top of a hill. ‘Is it...?’ Gilbert is shushed abruptly by Giovanni. The three of them carefully approach the manger on tiptoe. The manger basks in the bright shining star right above, so they can see the scene clearly: Mary has just now given birth to baby Jesus, who is sleeping comfortably in his mother’s arms, and Joseph stands by them, watching the baby with great interest and affection. Noticing people approaching, Mary is alert, but as soon as she sees these people are three good-looking young boys in some kind of cassocks, she smiles and gestures them to come closer. ‘Our Lord Jesus, we’ve come to worship you.’ Both Giovanni and Chris kneel down before the little baby who opens his beautiful eyes to look upon them curiously. After realising who the baby is, Gilbert imitates his brothers to fall on kneels, not without clumsiness. Seeing this, Mary smiles affectionately to the timid little knight, and says, ‘thank you for visiting us in such a bleak winter night. Don’t be anxious, little knight, baby Jesus is very happy to see you.’ Gilbert looks up to see Mary’s smiling face, and sees a mother in her, a mother he has never had, or met, in his life. Suddenly, the albino bursts into tears, ‘oh Mother, Mother!’ Mary pats Gilbert’s silver head, speaks to him in a voice so gentle as if singing a lullaby, ‘little child, you have such beautiful hair. Don’t cry, you’ll be loved.’ It is Gilbert’s first time to be praised by someone for his hair--being an albino, he has been jeered and teased all his life. It is not necessary to describe how happy Gilbert is in seeing the Holy Virgin, and he lays his head upon her knees. Meanwhile, Giovanni finds Chris’ pale face full of tears too. Before the little Lord, the beautiful knight clasps his hands tightly while on his knees--he looks so pious, so humble that he makes this moment divine. Unconsciously, Giovanni wears a smile on his face-- O Silent Night! O Holy Night!

On the next morning, Gilbert is woken up by a familiar voice: ‘Gil, wake up! Are you alright?’ When he opens his eyes, he sees Lovino shaking his shoulder anxiously. Thus he sits up abruptly, ‘Frater! Why are you here?’ ‘Dear Gil! I was worried about you so I came to the morning mass early to see if you’re alright, but I didn’t know you slept in the courtyard over night!’ Lovino exclaims, ‘it is not good! You’ll catch cold!’ His puffing face is on the brink of tears. It is Gilbert’s turn to feel worried too, for his heart will break if he sees Lovino cry. ‘Dear Frater, I’m totally fine, so please don’t cry!’ he holds Lovino’s little hand, faking a smile to comfort him, ‘I spent a whole night with Brother Gio and Brother Chris to worship little Lord Jesus in Bethlehem, you have to know how happy I am! Please don’t worry about me!’ ‘Really?’ Lovino’s watery emerald eyes look into Gilbert’s rubies, and he sees truthfulness in them, ‘good, then. But where are Gio and Chris?’ Both of them look around. Beside the wall of the cathedral, they see Giovanni and Chris lying down there, holding each other’s body closely as if to keep warm and sleep more comfortably. Hearing noises, the two sleepy knights are awakened--it is not difficult to imagine the surprised look on their faces. However, instead of letting out a shriek or kicking each other away, in peace, they exchange morning greetings: ‘Morning, Gio.’ Chris smiles like an angel waking up from his sweetest dream. ‘Good morning, Christien.’ Giovanni blushes. He will never admit that it is Chris’ crystal purple eyes that make his heart beat fast, and he feels a little reluctant to let Chris’ warm body leave his arms when both of them get back to their feet. ‘Christien, wait!’ ‘What?’ Chris quickly turns back to face Giovanni, his huge eyes sparkling. ‘I want to apologise for the wound in your palm. I should have stopped my people hurting you.’ Giovanni smites his handsome brow. ‘It’s not your fault,’ Chris smiles mildly, ‘and I want to thank you for healing me.’ ‘You know the medicine was sent by me?’ ‘Of course, do you forget how long we’ve known each other? And as I’m your archrival, who do you think could know you better than me?’ Smiling mysteriously, Chris briskly wheels around. Without knowing why, Giovanni suddenly feels a special attachment to his rival and comrade, so he instinctively follows Chris’ white robe, which is billowing in the wind like an angel’s enormous wings. Later on, in the Christmas morning mass, people are surprised to see the two long-term rivals stand side by side in the procession, and even exchange friendly looks at intervals during the liturgy. ‘It happens once a year that the two great military orders make a truce. After all, it’s Christmas, it’s time for peace, for forgiveness, and for love.’ Among the audience, some Venetians whisper quietly, and then they shake hands with their Genoese neighbours. As for Gilbert, this time, he has done much better especially in the narration of the nativity. When the mass is done and the cathedral becomes empty, he cautiously kneels down before Lovino, ‘dear Frater, I want to be your knight, but I’m not yet perfect--could you wait until I’m fit?’ ‘I don’t need you to be perfect. Whenever you feel yourself is ready, I’ll be ready to take you as my knight.’ Lovino blushes. ‘I promise it won’t be too long, Frater.’ Gilbert tenderly kisses Lovino’s hand.

(End)

[lourouses]

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https://archiveofourown.org/works/11542680 Who Would Be Born Must First Destroy a World by metastacia | namjin sorta Once you make a decision, does the universe bend itself to make it happen? Is destiny a matter of chance, a matter of choice, or an exchange of blood, sweat and tears? All Seokjin knows is that no good deed goes unpunished, and the bruises on his being attest to all the good he's done in his life. In order for someone to be happy, someone else must hurt. The wings on his back, he believes, don't belong to him, but to the people he loves. So, one by one, he rips them off. - In which Jin has the power to change the lives of the people around him at the cost of his own life, and Namjoon will destroy a world if it means he could save Jin.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/7193369 can you feel my heart? by euphoriae | vhope "You're so beautiful, Hoseok. I would have loved you forever." Hoseok never wanted to meet his soulmate. So he has his soul tattoo removed, only to find Taehyung, his soulmate, and also the tattoo artist to remove the bond.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/12257283 Blackjack by nicowememoney | namjin, yoonseok, vmin [Group052] Jung_HS: anybody there [Group052] Jung_HS: help im alone in this weird small room and its so dark and theres no door no nothing only this weird touchscreen device thing on the wall [Group052] Jung_HS: anyone? [Group052] Min_YG: I’m here, same situation [Group052] Min_YG: Damn if we’re group 052 does it mean that there are at least 51 other groups like this what kind of mass kidnapping is this [Group052] Kim_NJ: I think there’s more. [Group052] Kim_NJ: Why else would there be a 0 in front of the 52 unless they need the third digit? There can be hundreds of groups. [Group052] Min_YG: Wow you’re a smart one aren’t you, now find a way to get us out of here [Group052] Kim_NJ: I’m at a loss. If we can get to talk to whoever abducted us we might figure something out. Pied Piper: Hello. I am your kidnapper. Do you want to play a game? [Group052] Min_YG: Holy shit In which seven strangers are abducted to secluded rooms and forced to play a game of life and death in which they have to communicate with each other through  https://archiveofourown.org/works/9571937 Playground Promises by whenflowersbloom | yoonjin, jinmin Taehyung looks at his Daddy Seokjin, lips turned upward but his eyes look like tears are going to fall out of them. Then he turns his head and looks up at his Papa Yoongi, wearing a gentle smile on his face that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. Finally Taehyung stops the swing by grinding his feet on the gravel. He reaches for Seokjin’s hands. “Okay, Papa. Okay, Daddy.” That day Taehyung learns the meaning of the word divorce. https://archiveofourown.org/works/11150118 One by whenflowersbloom Everyone is born with a series of numbers on their forearms. People spend their lives trying to figure out what the numbers on their arms mean before they get there, and when they think they know what it means, they either spend the rest of their lives preventing it, never letting the number go any lower, or they try to speed up, eager to get there already, for everything to end. Whatever the end is, it is almost, always life changing, and always never what people think. Kim Seokjin was born with this number on his arm: one. https://archiveofourown.org/works/5784607 I will help you climb by fitzgarbage | namjin namjoon punches seokjin in the face. twice. //sounds weird but this is a great story about discovering yourself or something and struggles https://archiveofourown.org/works/7244113 dream a little dream of me by eatjins (fishcakes) | yoonseok Yoongi's dream has always been music and Hoseok's dream has always been Yoongi. https://archiveofourown.org/works/13769220 Always There by Starlight1395 | brot7 Jungkook, the Golden Maknae, sees more than his hyungs think he does. He sees them break down, break apart, and is there to help piece them back together again. Each of them have their own demons to face, but Jungkook makes sure they don't face them alone. What happens, then, when the youngest is the one who is left alone? https://archiveofourown.org/works/2405873 Unrequited by resonae | yoonjin, taejin The Hanahaki Disease is an illness born from one-sided love, where the patient throws up and coughs of flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love. The infection can be removed through surgery, but the feelings disappear along with the petals. It can be cured without side effects only when the feelings are returned. Seokjin starts coughing up crimson-red rose petals. https://archiveofourown.org/works/5182697 Safe and Sound by bazooka | namjin From a tumblr prompt: Jin is a prince, and Namjoon is his bodyguard. "You're sort of bad at this." "Nah. You're safe, aren't you?" https://archiveofourown.org/works/4065640 Till Death Do Us 'Part by resonae | namjin Namjoon and Seokjin are trapped on the bottom of a sunk ferry. https://archiveofourown.org/works/10683651 Another Time by jawsbar (GryfoTheGreat) | yoonseok Yoongi's neighbour tries to kill him. He's not particularly offended; she is, after all, four. What he is offended by is her father. Her kind, funny father, who smiles at him like the sun and is just as blinding... (Or: Jung Hoseok is the single father of the weirdest child Min Yoongi has ever met, and he thinks he might be falling in love.) https://archiveofourown.org/works/11212779 I lost you by BlueEuphoria | jikook, vmin ''I'm in love, Tae.'' And just like that, Taehyung thinks that he'd still have his place if Jungkook was not there. https://archiveofourown.org/works/11135196 Until the Pain Stops by RunawayFantasy | jinkook Some days, Seokjin is able to get out of bed and act like everything doesn't hurt, that his mind isn't in a constant battle. Some days, Jungkook comes home to find Seokjin unable to move, the pain too crushing. https://archiveofourown.org/works/13951086/chapters/32113686 Only fools fall for you by Manek | namkook Namjoon is a fool //this one inspired my huge fic plot drabble (mainly mine's a huge ripoff lmao) https://archiveofourown.org/works/13821624 Out of Time by sopek00k | yoonseok In a world where people can have Timer implants to know the exact moment they'll meet their soulmate, Yoongi isn't too keen on participating on the craze. He has about a million reasons why, he swears it. That is, until Namjoon convinces him to finally get a Timer. What is Yoongi really afraid of? And can he avoid fate? https://archiveofourown.org/works/2695082 sentient by hugeboymino | taejin seokjin’s therapist doesn’t think taehyung exists. https://archiveofourown.org/works/13008504 allegria by metastacia | yoonseok When Min Yoongi's life falls apart and his world is drenched in darkness, he can't help but feel relieved. The piano he'd once loved, he'd once had so much passion for before it became a burden on him, he no longer has to play. He can finally give up. But Jung Hoseok is a ray of light amidst the bleak, pitch black world that Yoongi sees. https://archiveofourown.org/works/10754184 Time Boils the Rain by SodiumBicarb | OT7 sorta?? Kim Seokjin was a failure at love, so he stopped being Kim Seokjin. //this is a special kind of sadness https://archiveofourown.org/works/4827698 star light, star bright (the last star i see tonight) by kwonsoonday | taekook, yoonseok sorta?? Jung Kook and Taehyung fall in love the summer Hoseok goes missing. https://archiveofourown.org/works/6079209 this feeling (this everglow), by inkingbrushes | yoonseok Hoseok works at a bakery and Yoongi is 1/3 of the country's biggest band. Or: the one where they fall in love at a bakery and Yoongi ends up writing a song about it. https://archiveofourown.org/works/5831449 Black Apples by resonae | yoonjin Yoongi is the angel general and Seokjin is the demon's gatekeeper, but Seokjin isn't like any demon he's met before. https://archiveofourown.org/works/7297159 Save Me by resonae | jinmin In 2016, a list of male idols with sponsors leak to the news outlet. Kim Seokjin's name is on it. -- In 2021, BTS is a group with four Daesangs, record-breaking albums, and six members. Everyone calls them a success. Jimin calls them a failure. //disturbing themes https://archiveofourown.org/works/3293480 If I Die Young by resonae | brot7 Seokjin dies. Bangtan copes. Tries. https://archiveofourown.org/works/2436434 Let It Rain by resonae | yoonjin Seokjin was the spirit of rain, and it rained every time he cried. Humans stopped at nothing to get their rain, and Yoongi was going to stop at nothing to see Seokjin smile. https://archiveofourown.org/works/3786412 Will you be my Forever? by flywithtaetae (kimtaehyungs) | taekook From the moment Jungkook turned 18, he had been excited to see the numbers appear on his wrist. 762 Just 762 days before he finally meets his soulmate. 524 374 341 And then it stops.

[femnet]

Trigger Warnings: child abuse, sexual abuse, incest, rape, explicit sexual content involving minors, physical abuse, explicit language, abortion, pregnancy

This is NOT spoiler free but to be honest I suggest reading a summary before listening to the musical anyways.

Spring Awakening first entered the world in 1891 when it was published by German playwright Frank Wedekind. At that point, it was different than the Broadway musical that is known and loved today. It was a play rather than a musical. THE scene (which I will discuss later) had previously been a rape instead of a passionate night with explicit consent. Of course, it was in German and would not be performed in English until 1917. However, despite it being over a century old, going through many revisions and revivals, and containing very controversial issues and visuals, Spring Awakening still has lessons to share with each new generation that watches it.

For the purpose of this post, I’ll be discussing the 2006 Broadway version unless specifically stated otherwise.

The Plot

The plot of Spring Awakening can be summarized in two main points: 1) ignorance and miseducation are dangerous and 2) every generation learns from and improves on what the previous generation teaches them. It’s set in Germany in the 1890s. As you can imagine, what is acceptable today is NOT the same as what was acceptable back then. But, WAIT! Theres’s more. You might have already started thinking about what a musical set in the 1890s would sound like. If so, I promise whatever you thought it was going to be is wrong. Duncan Sheik and Steven Sater collaborated to turn the play into a ROCK MUSICAL. While rock had yet to be invented during the time the play is set and was published, Melchior and the other little rebels would definitely have been rock fans were they born in the right time period. From here onwards, I’ll be discussing the 2006 Broadway version unless stated otherwise.

The opening songs introduce us to the main cast of characters. In the opening number, Mama Who Bore Me, Wendla Bergmann (played by Lea Michele in the Original Broadway Cast) makes her first appearance as the leading lady. She sings about how her mother has left her unprepared by not properly explaining the things she needs to know going into puberty and her teenage years. This is followed by a reprise where the other young girls join in and repeat Wendla’s sentiments. All of the girls have been told by their mothers that a woman gets pregnant by loving her husband very much. This misinformation leaves the girls vulnerable as they start to experience their spring (sexual) awakenings. As you can probably guess, this is also foreshadowing what will happen in the future. On the male side of things, we meet Melchior Gabor (played by Jonathan Groff in the OBC) and Moritz Stiefel (played by John Gallagher, Jr. in the OBC) along with their various classmates as they sing about their own struggles with these new feelings in The B*tch of Living.

Melchior and Moritz are best friends but very different. Melchior is a rebellious child who speaks his mind and constantly gets in trouble at school even though he has good grades. Moritz, despite trying his best, can’t seem to keep his grades up. This situation is further complicated as Moritz asks Melchior for help concerning a steamy dream that’s been bothering him, including writing an essay explaining these new feelings he’s been having.

The only child who knows what’s up is Melchior, because he has gathered his own sex ed knowledge by reading books. However, even though what Melchior knows is what all of the other kids should know, the topics he tries to discuss with the boys are incredibly taboo and are completely banned from conversation in school or, well, anywhere. The grown ups in this story are basically orchestrating a cover up of many critical issues of adolescence, and this causes Melchior to doubt many aspects of his education and how he’s being raised. He sings about his frustration with this in a song called All That’s Known.

The steaminess increases as all the children struggle with their feelings for each other, especially with Melchior and Wendla. Long story short, the two find themselves growing closer and closer in a new way (*wink wink*) which brings us to THE scene. Do keep in mind as I tell this tale that all of these kids would be about 13 even though they’re played by adults. Part of why Spring Awakening is so controversial is that even on Broadway it has scenes of partial and sometimes full nudity. Anyways, Wendla finds Melchior in a barn. He apologizes for a previous encounter which I will not explain and bow-chicka-wow-wow they kiss and then have sexy times. The song playing over this scene is I Believe. If you listen to it on its own, it sounds like something you would hear in church.

There’s also a subplot going on with the girls. Martha, a friend of Wendla’s, reveals in The Dark I Know Well that her father has been abusing her for the past few years. She feels as though she can’t do anything about it because her mother either doesn’t care or ignores it, and she doesn’t want to end up like the wandering girl Ilse. Ilse had been in the same situation and chose to stand up for herself. This had led to her getting kicked out of the village, and she had been an outcast ever since.

While all of this is going on, poor Moritz has been failed by his teachers even though for once he passed his exam. They tell him that only a certain number of students can move up in school and he is not one of them, even though this is a lie. Moritz’s home life is wrecked because his parents don’t want to be known as parents of a failure. He is eventually kicked out after Melchior’s mother denies him the money needed to flee to the United States (And Then There Were None). He begins to wander around with a gun, contemplating suicide, but runs into Ilse. She asks him to come stay with her in the artists’s colony she has recently started living in. Moritz refuses at first, but then realizes that Ilse is his final chance at a life. When he returns to find her, she is gone and he shoots himself.

Moritz’s teachers quickly realize that his death was their fault. Had they not lied, Moritz would have moved up with the other boys, his family would not have neglected and abused him, and he would still have had a home. To push the blame onto someone else, they use the essay that Melchior wrote for Moritz to frame him for causing Moritz to commit suicide. He is immediately expelled and discusses his fate in a wonderful song called Totally F*cked.

Things go down hill even faster from here. Wendla begins to feel ill and when her mother takes her to the doctor, they learn that she’s pregnant. She’s forced to give up Melchior as the father and her mother curses her for being so stupid even though Wendla had no idea that sex was the cause of pregnancy. However, Wendla does want to keep the baby after much thought (Whispering). With Moritz’s suicide and Wendla’s pregnancy marking Melchior as a problem child, his parents send him away to a reform school WITHOUT telling him about Wendla’s pregnancy. He only finds out about it when another boy steals a letter from her and reads it aloud.

Melchior immediately runs away from school to find Wendla. He stops by Moritz’s grave to promise that he and Wendla will raise their child well and always make sure that he or she is loved. Despite the fact that he’s a child in all of this, I have to say that I really appreciate that Melchior steps up to his role as a father and learns from the mistakes of the past generation. It was an awfully brave thing for him to do. HOWEVER, when he arrives at the cemetery he also notices a fresh grave that he had never seen before… and upon further inspection, he finds that it is Wendla’s. Her mother had taken her to see an abortionist. At that time, abortionists had no real training and as was the fate of many other patients, Wendla dies from complications.

At this point, Melchior feels as though he has nothing left. He pulls out a blade and goes to cut his throat when suddenly the spirits of Moritz and Wendla rise from their graves and encourage him to go on living for them (Those You’ve Known). Melchior finally promises that he will and is revived by a new sense of hope. He knows that no matter what, Moritz and Wendla, his two favorite people, will always be with him.

The Song of Purple Summer is the final song in Spring Awakening. All of the cast returns to the front of the stage to sing about the future. It talks about how the next generation will learn from the previous generation’s mistakes and how even though the present might be a tragedy, the future will not be. It is perhaps the most motivational song of the play and despite the sad ending of the story, The Song of Purple Summer ends things on a happy note.

The Lessons

Perhaps on of the biggest lessons to be learned from this story is that miseducation and lying can cause extreme damage. By lying to their children, the mothers of the girls caused their daughters to be ignorant of what their new feelings meant but also what would happen if they acted on these feelings before they were actually ready for the consequences. This leads to Wendla’s pregnancy and eventually her death. What breaks my heart most of all is that Wendla could never have known that would happen when she had sex with Melchior. To her, the act was one of love and had no consequences. Yet her mother blames her instead of admitting that she made a mistake by leaving her daughter ignorant. What one generation thought of as taboo and unacceptable in any time or place was actually vital to the lives of another. No matter how tough a topic is, if something needs to be discussed then it needs to be discussed sooner rather than later.

When I presented this musical in my music appreciation class, I was tasked with identifying the antagonist of the story. After thinking about it, I realized that there isn’t just one specific antagonist - the antagonists are all of the adults. Every adult wrongs a child in some way or another, and this leads to the tragedy in the end. The girls’ mothers don’t properly educate them. The teachers cause Moritz’s suicide even though they could have actually let him advance in school. Melchior’s mother doesn’t take Moritz’s threat of suicide as seriously as she should and denies him the money he needs. Moritz’s parents are selfish and care more about their image than their own son. They neglect him, abuse him, and kick him out rather than supporting him when he needed them the most. Martha and Ilse’s fathers abuse them, and their mothers don’t do anything about it. When Ilse does try to seek help, she is kicked out on the streets. Instead of helping her daughter in a time of need and admitting her mistake, Wendla’s mother blames her for something she could have never predicted and puts her through the procedure that kills her while knowing the conditions it would be under. To me, the lesson from this is that even though adults are supposed to have more experience and that we as young people are supposed to trust them, they are not always good, trustworthy, or reliable; in this case, sometimes it’s your own parents.

Despite the deaths of the people he loved most and his life falling apart around him, Melchior chooses to live in their honor and remember their lives by living for them. He chooses to believe that his loved ones will always be with him and becomes all the better for it. No matter what, he’s not alone. None of us are alone. We don’t know what happens to him in the end, but I like to think that he becomes a great man and a great father. He certainly deserves it.

Finally, with The Song of Purple Summer, we are reminded that we must always learn and move forward. From generation to generation, we pass on our mistakes and our successes and hope that the next one will learn from both. Even when we’re experiencing a tragedy, hope is always there to remind us that better things have yet to come.

My lesson to all of you readers is that you should definitely listen to this musical! You can find some videos on YouTube or check it out on Spotify. Now that you’ve got a run down of the plot, it’s time to experience it for yourself!

Sources

https://musicalstagecompany.com/musical-notes/all-thats-known-facts-about-spring-awakening/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spring_Awakening_(musical)

http://www.playbill.com/article/from-the-archives-jonathan-groff-lea-michele-and-john-gallagher-jr-of-spring-awakening-reflect-on-surreal-success-com-361392

https://www.ibdb.com/broadway-production/spring-awakening-448811

http://broadwaymusicalhome.com/shows/springawakening.htm

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i want to practice just like going through the anger of his message without an actual response because like fuck him?

“i called you to say i was going to he wedding and caring for you and going to rehab potentially and you said that ou didnt know what to say because its not what you want to do”

false. and this is just crammed into a giant paragraph of other bullshit. man, you called me to tell me what you were going to do. and you have literally never in your life understood what it means to respect another person’s feelings or wishes outside of like a guest in your house for one night. again it was never about him going to rehab. it was the fact that its told to me like a slap in the face. its not like im involved in anyway its just im doing this see you later, maybe?

“and then you knowingly or not manipulate the situation by saying youre not doing the surgery because youre not having it your way just like you did a week ago when you realized my vision for the property is not the same as yours”

man. why is it that i can say something clear as fucking day, repeat it 400 times and this person will tell me straight faced that thats not what i did, thats not how i feel and i must feel this way and if i dont then im lieing to myself.

when i am confronted with a person aggressively asking me vague questions in regards to what was once a positive fucking discussion as a natural born human being it is within my capacity to react with really high suspicion as to how much this person actually respects me. because its not the act of changing your mind - you can change your mind a thousand times. but you can also say ‘man i was thinking about this and this and i was wondering about this and you were saying this’ instead of ‘how many x for this how much for this’ like wow. and then to turn around and use my reaction as a basis of just “not getting my way”? you are repeatedly at every fucking turn demonstrating a huge disrespect for my feelings and you think im a fucking slave that should have zero opinion or feeling on anything you do but continue to merrily go along with what you see for the future.

“i need help and thinking of other people first has prevented me from getting help for years because ‘you guys’ always do this. theres always something that im always ‘ruining’ if im not ‘there’“

literally for decades youve treated people consistently like fucking shit. you give false promises you masquerade in being sick. you refuse at any singular pointt o see any true priviledge you actually have and why that means you can never understand how these people felt like when you left them 200$ at xmas in a crackhouse and went on a family vacation. you ruined xmas bro. you fucking ruined it and you thought you did a good fucking deed. a good deed wouldve been being their family. period. and you didnt want to do that an thats okay but to act like you should be praised for what you did do when it barely made a dent? fuck you you self righteous prick.

“this is what happens at the property. i go to work everyday to pay for you all to eat and for the upgraes and equipment. you guys wake up at your leisure and do exactly as much work as you feel is necessary and then fuck off for the rest of the day when i come home and have to solve personal problems like you and jame or you and aaron”

omg. this is the exact paragraph that defines exactly why im officially out. like first of all you are of zero motherfucking help to all of the above people including myself to maintain a lifestyle we lived here that bruoght us nothing because you think some deep drive will make it better even though your ass is going to rehab. you have zero provisions for any of these people and all they can do is sincerely invest their time energy and money into preparing themselves and their belief in what can happen. to think this crazy man could provide more than two meals is literally foolish like you arent ready to survive if you think youre surviving off of this guy. and like i already know this pretty well. in no way does he understand that i lived in survival mode with a crazy person who claimed to be doing good for my life. i did that already. its a completely different ball game. i dont even believe in you. i believe in me.

“the fact that you feel entitled to a payout because you did two weeks of research demontrates that you have no idea the investment i am putting in”

excuse me, what? by me asking for fucking dignity and respect when you change your fucking plans that involve MY FUTURE that YOU PUT ME WITHIN i’m doing this on the basis of being entitled to a fucking payout? respect? the fact that you think this is “two weeks of research” demonstrates that you literally would throw people out on their ass because you ~owned the property and they didnt you know “invest enough”. and at no point will it be told to you how much you need to invest to be secure. at no point. so he will ask for free labour which to him is not free because he feeds you !!! right because that worked for the slaves.

“i understand that this will be the situation as i laid it out because ive been down this road before a few times and i’m not laying it out to put anyone down; its just how it goes and i know for a fact it will piss me off and cripple me because i am already extremely weak”

man. who the fuck are you? you want people to support you getting help and doing positive things and respect you for being a homeless shelter but literally shit on and disrespect and belittle and degrade the people you want to be with you? whyyyyyyyyyy in the fuck would i ever want to speak to a person who believes i’m lazy and lives off of him and causes problems. why the fuck would i do that. oh but like hes not putting me down its just “how it goes”. and hes telling me this like im going to be like “oh okay i didnt realize ‘thats how it goes’ sorry”. you are in no motherfucking way a savior to any single person nor will you ever be. to truly help another person in the ways you believe you want to help people you have to be born with a trait that makes you preconceived to these ways or you have to work every day at it to become like that and you have not even begun to put in the work it woul take to reach such a high standard of care and altruism. again, fuck you.

“that being said, it doesnt change my desire but i must find a way to prepare myself to see if is something i can handle because if its not youre out to weeks of research and get to go back on welfare but me, i own 17k have to give the boot to my friends and face god knows what other consequences will come from an ill fated venture like this”

just.

do you know how hard it is for me to not just give in to the worst of my feelings and be like can u just go fucking die already. like you are so much of my mother that the only way you will find peace is to just be dead.you are delusional and fucked up and in so fucking deep i dont think theres a way out for you because there is like next to no moments of true clarity.

‘youre out to two weeks of research and get to go back on welfare’

omg. am i real human being? do you think i am like a fucking search engine that aggregated a bunch of results for you and just displayed information with zero fucking care as to what was happening at all? do you in no way think that if you want me in ANY FUTURE CAPACITY to even SEE this opportunity that i have to manage my current life in a specific way? do you not KNOW this? if you dont know this just STOP. build a fucking cabin in the woods and stay the fuck away from people you ignorant piece of shit.

“it pisses me off that im always me with the same attitude when i try to do something like these people that are literally investing the most minimal part of their day into the venture act like im not putting my nuts on the line for someone else”

omg. you legitimately dont see other people as human beings like this all i can form from this. when i was a child, i saw my mother disappointed that she didnt have this bottle of wine she thought she had and she was like mock disappointed about it but i didnt get it and as a child i was just like.. i felt really bad for my mom. like she didnt have this thing she wanted and expected and i wanted at that moment to give it to her if i could and i just kept doing this to an extreme in my life where like i constantly consider another persons feelings so much that i feel true guilt to act in any malicious or shitty way because i feel like i can really empathize with their moments if i tried to so why is it okay for me to act in such a way. i want to be peaceful and understanding.

so to me i am literally fucking appalled that he cannot comprehend the “investment” one makes with their entire actual fucking livelihood but furthermore my “two weeks of research” led him to his own opportunity. without my “two weeks of research” hed just be a jackass going to rehab. in fact as i began to realize how little he was invested mentally and was just throwing money at a piece of land, i became very scared for him and myself and the concept of this idea because i realized no one knew what to do, no one was taking the initiative to actually look it up and this person is investng 17k. and at no point did they think of a building plan or project or outline of a business or anything, they looked up no regulations and just went on like the dreams of hearsay. i couldnt believe it. i began my journal of information out of pure anxiety and fear that this person wasnt actually going to do any of these things and when it came down to it we would be fucked because the landowner has no idea what he can actually do on his own fucking land. and this is very stressful. is it 17k stressful? i dont know. maybe. maybe not. but it is certainly a large investment of my time and a new creation of anxiety, a reason to distrust whats happening - a reason to no longer trust in what he was saying about this. he just wanted to do this and this the same way he wanted to do all the dumb ass things he did before.

“if i had of known this i would have spent 2 weeks looking shit up’ like fuck right off. im sitting here trying to figure out a way to give people a free fucking place to come and better themselves and i have to eat shit when i express concern for myself”

bro. come into the reality ive lived for 2 months. this all started all of it period started because i offered to help you save money. you did not want this. i suggested buying land to offer small houses of some sort for people to stay to capitalize on both his handyman skills and his hosting skills. then i looked up SEVERAL HUNDRED PROPERTIES and like extremely sorted through these for the best possible deals for the most amount of land with healthy landscape. PEOPLE ARE PAID TO DO THIS JOB. LIKE HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS OVER MONTHS. and i did this job for you for free and presented not just like 10 lots. i presented another 30 lots afterwards. i learned the fucking landscape of pei. i learned about trees and buying land and municipalities. i made maps and scales and put like all of my brain power into this its like saying because you went tothe store and bought the materials, you own whatever the fuck i built from it. and fine maybe you do. maybe in this capitalistic world you do. but omg why do you have to degrade the actual work i did which did not include me getting drunk in the middle of the woods at any point. like you struggled to figure out the meaning of a pit test when this is something i wouldve learned in a day. and i thought like this person knows already they id it before they already have this basic understanding all they need is like some updated info but nope. nope. youre not sitting there trying to figure it out. im sitting here trying to figure it out because no matter how much fucking money you throw at this it will not work without actual knowledge so fuck you man. fuck you. if i had of known you were such a piece of shit, if i had of known you would belittle and degrade any work and care investment i put into this which other people are literally fucking paid for - i wouldnt have spent any time on it at all. youd still be sitting there sobbing about your dead ex and the times you were strung out on k. fuck you bro. fuck you.

“dont talk to me about relationships dont hold this surgery over my head whenever you dont get your way. thats what i dont want to be part of because i have my own issues and if you dont want the care then ill spend my time caring for  myself”

iterally all of your time is looking out for and caring for yourself and any time taken away from that time is a huge fucking deal. like this person believes that just like hanging out with someone is an investment of his time because his time is very valuable. and if you dont appreciate that he took the time to even grace you with his presence when his time is so damn valuable then fuck you. and repeatedly hes said on multiple occasions for varying reasons “i dont want to be apart of this” and “this” is changed to suit whatever his need is for that time. so now he didnt say “this” like he never wanted me or the relationship its that he doesnt want “the drama”. no. no. you didnt and have not wanted the relationship and it has held you back and gave you all these issues you never wanted. period. this is what you said. period.

“im just so fucing exhausted i wasted 45 minutes typing out bullshit that started because i want to go to rehab and that doesnt jive with your insecurity”

.............. first of all on the basis of this entire fucing discussion you cannot in any fucking way ask me to consider the amount of time you spent on fucking anything at all. anything. it means absolutely nothing at all. it means nothing to what i feel. my feelings are more important. whether you invested time you didnt want to or not is of no motherfucking concern to me so fuck you you hypocritical asshole.

this all started because youre an asshole. youve always been an asshole and you literally cannot rehabilitate the fact youre an asshole. weed is not making you a piece of shit. its really truly not. if it is its like the first case in the entire world of it doing such things to someone because omg.

“not to mention i had to think about this shit for 6 hours yesterday”

no one caressssssssssssss. omg. you can sit and think about it for two weeks straight my friend. it means LITERALLY FUCKING NOTHING BY YOUR OWN DEFINITION.

“you know the only people that give me grief when i try to get help are the people who cant stand on their own legs

im sorry.

excuse me? in what capacity do you believe you have positively affected the direction of my life either mentally or financially or physically? you getting help affects me in zero fucking ways to the point that its not even goingt o make my relationship better with you because i really believe you cannot rehab an asshole. but it sincerely has zero affect on my financial or physical well being. what do you think ive been doing? like am i a zombie? im fucking depressed, not dead. this person has never paid my rent. he paid my phone bill as a christmas gift one year. he has really never actually bought me groceries, his mother has three times maybe.

you know, i have no anxiety. well no overwhelming anxiety and im not spiraling. heres a real true fact of life: if he didnt exist, i wouldnt have considered the surgery at all. in my life without him i wouldnt have had an opportunity to possibly have some kind of care (which i love now has an end date that has nothing to do with my recovery)  i wouldnt even have a drive home. so i wouldnt do it. and id be a little pissed for awhile - mostly at my parents more than anything and then just get over it because why dwell so hard on something not that important anyways.

ive been told by doctors its an option. its not like a recommendation - well it is, but its not like oh wow you really have to get this or else. i think people get really uppity about doctors and medical things for no reason and i get that they exist for a quality of life but i just dont think my life is so bad that i have to do this to myself right now.

and ive gotten - well what else are you doing now? whats different? and its true. fair enough. mark in the pro column. but that doesnt outweigh it. just because theres nothing else im doing doesnt mean i shoul do something i think is not a true importance to my life. like if i can have one month of physical care for a 3 inch incision with stitches - why cant i have one month of care for 15 years of severe depression? like all these doctors said im severely depressed, i need help, i need a support system, i need real resources they cant necessarily provide and everyons like wow i dont have the time or space to help you im sorry its too much for me and maybe you wont get better and i cant see you getting better so i cant feel good about how much time i migh have to spend on this.

but an incision. for a cyst. and a friend will take a week off work and spend everyday by my side. he will leave work to care for me, make me meals everyday, run my errands, help me out. and so my sick twisted mind in some ways in some moments looked forward to a real surgery. ike for a brief period of time i would get the care i needed from people but im too incapicitated to actually leverage any of the care i receive. like people would let me stay at their house for x amount of time and its just like man ive been nearly homeless and you acted like im diseased. its a fucking mockery to act like this cyst makes me deserve any more care than i already had. and i think thats why i really think deep down none of these people will do any of these things. i am sick. i am already sick. like really badly. and its all just like looking in from the outside bullshit. so why does this change now? why should i believe it changes?

and after all of this another nagging small thought is like okay so i finally get some kind of care and help and then it will all stop so he can go get better care and help in his priviledge an its like wow why bother. like well ur all healed now ur on ur own byeeee. i am tired of feeling bad for feeling bad. this is a manipulation. this is the true manipulation. it is using “getting help” and “going to rehab” as an excuse to compleely and utterly ignore anything i have to say about fucking anything at all. and hes trying to convince me of this that im the bad person and im not the bad person because ive never been against rehab.

i said “i dont know what you want me to say” instead of “so what about everything weve been talking about for the past two weeks what about the future what about buying land” after givng him all of this space to tell me on his own. what do you want me to say? its happening _ again _. good luck. hope it works out for you this time. i no longer give a fuck. i knew immediately when he sai h was going to rehab that all of the plans were up in the air again. again. again. again. like four hundredth time in a row and its like man how many fucking times o you want me to follow your bullshit because rehab is as genuine as your desire to be a better person and help all these people but youre fucking ruining people because you cant stay the fuck away. how many times am i required to give unconditional love without it actually fucking returned to me or to have what is returned be nothing but negativity towards my life?

you have no idea that the actions of other people really define how you will feel about them in your moments of weakness and need. you can see it but you dont know it. you dont know that it makes the difference of treating someone with actual kindness and respect because theyre a fucking human being not because “well they dont have that”. you havent graduated from giving someone something because you feel bad that they dont have it. you give them respect not because other people didnt vgive them respect but because this person deserved fucking respect all along. if you do it for the first reason its really all for your ego. you think youre doing something better than the next person. yuo know, “well iiiii woulnt be like that” - yeah you would, just in another circumstance.

i no longer regularly deal with outwardly shitty people. it was really important to me to find people who were caring in some respect but im learning even among those who are caring are abusers. theyre everywhere and its naive to think theyre not because thats how you fall victim. you just dont think its happening because it cant happen because theyre caring.

what i see myself truthfully terribly doing is nothing. although i clearly have a response for him, i dont. im just angry and i dont see how expressing any of my anger towards him will bring any resolution to any issue. and im not “just angry” like im just airing some grief but im angry. im very angry. and its no longer worth it. what can i reply? what could i possibly reply? “oh god youre so right im so sorry of course everything i did is nothing compared to you im sorry for being so selfish thank you sooo much for helping me” because it looks like the only available option now. and im not taking that option. i coul fight. argue all my points. tell him he was wrong. but why? but i think i may do so much nothing that i will just remain passive and hurt. semi forced into this scenario, upset and depressed. and i can see myself trying to accept help before stopping a few days into it.

i wish i could eternal sunshine him. i really do.