#'i Saved you. you owe me your life' / 'am i supposed to thank you?' UGHH

[raayllum]

But there is an aching pain mixed with love that you feel in these moments. In the name of love, you will perform acts so unforgivable, you will never forgive yourself. / However dangerous. However vile.

[woodentranscripts]

Season 1 Episode 1 The Bane of Rudyard

It's the worst day of Rudyard's life when new competitor Eric Chapman arrives on Piffling and becomes an immediate sensation.

Written by David K. Barnes

EPISODE ONE: THE BANE OF RUDYARD

[narration from Madeleine]

Now, Hidden in the English Channel is an island called Piffling. On the island is a village - Piffling Vale - and the village has a square, and the square has this lovely little antique shop but opposite the antique shop is a funeral home which is where much of this chronicle will be set, I’m afraid. You see, I want to tell you all about a man named Rudyard Funn. He owns the funeral parlour, he’s responsible for all the funerals in Piffling Vale and today, he experienced what was undoubtedly the worst day of his life. Which was probably long overdue.

 [funky intro music]

 REV: We gather here today to celebrate the life of Stanley Carmichael, who was taken from us only five days ago   

 He continues

[narration] It all began with a funeral, the antique dealer Stanley Carmichael, whose shop was immediately opposite Rudyard’s premises, had led a life of peace and ordered calm of eighty nine years… and had subsequently crushed to death by a granite sundial. 

 REV: I confess I never actually bought anything from him. His prices have been quite steep actually, though I did have my eye on that sundial. I might still be tempted if it came down in price, hint hint. (laughs)

 [narration] Stanley’s relatives pricked up their ears at the prospect of getting something for that granite sundial. Whilst nearby, his eyes sunken, his skin pale and drawn: stood Rudyard, looking at his watch and wishing strongly that the reverend wasn't an agnostic.

REV: … and undoubtedly looking down at us from his place with God. Unless you don't believe in that sort of thing - which I won’t hold against you, mind you God probably will. Unless he doesn’t exist, in which case he won’t even have anything to complain about, really. 

RUDYARD: (clears throat) Reverend. 

REV: Sorry, did somebody say -

 RUDYARD: Reverend. REV: Oh hello Rudyard- RUDYARD: You’re rambling. REV: Sorry? RUDYARD: You’re rambling again REV: Oh God, am I?

RUDYARD: Yes! REV: I’m so sorry, where was I? RUDYARD: His spirit looking down at us from his place- REV: OH! From his place with God, yes, yes, thank you, right, right, I’ve err Looking down at us from his place with umm… no. No, actually, I don't suppose we could have a quick show of hands? RUDYARD: No! No! Now come on! REV: If you believe in God, could you put your hands up, can we all do that? Put your hands up if you believe, ughh right, right err bout half. Um so! Ah yeah. What I might do is do the service twice- RUDYARD: We don't have time! 

 REV: Once with God in it and the other without. RUDYARD: No! We’re overrunning. REV: Oh! But I thought I might read out a few psalms RUDYARD: Which ones? REV: I don’t mind, I'll be happy to take requests if anyone’s got any favourites? RUDYARD: Nononono. We’re sixteen minutes behind schedule, nearly seventeen. Georgie? (snaps finders) Wake up! GEORGIE: (groans) I don’t want to RUDYARD: We need the coffin in the ground. Now. GEORGIE: Sir, it’s a very heavy coffin RUDYARD: What’s your point? GEORGIE: I’m the only pallbearer RUDYARD: Oh stop moaning, put your back into it! GEORGIE: Ughh Fine! REV: Do we have time for some funny anecdotes? RUDYARD: We’re late as it is and it’s pissing it down - so no. PERSON 1: He’s ruining everything! RUDYARD: There you are reverend, you’re losing them REV: Oh! I thought they were rather getting into it! PERSON 2: Not him, you! RUDYARD: Me? PERSON 3: You horrid little man, stop hurrying things along!

 RUDYARD: Don’t you know what a schedule is? PERSON 3: So rude! RUDYARD: This isn’t my only gig today, you know. I’ve got Mr Ascii to measure up in half an hour! PERSON 1: He’s not dead! RUDYARD: Well he doesn’t look healthy, though, does he? PERSON 3: Stop talking we’re trying to honour Stanley! RUDYARD: Honour Stanley! You didn’t even like him. PERSON 3: How dare you! RUDYARD: I noticed in the shop you slipped that carriage clock down your blouse when you thought no one was looking! (gasps) RUDYARD: And the dressing table! (even more gasps) PERSON 2: I knew it! PERSON 3: Shut up! Bill swiped the portrait of Ova Broughn PERSON 2: Bill! I wanted that portrait! PERSON 1: Well you can’t have it! (gasps) PERSON 1: I’m sorry Jerry, I just lost control, OW REV: Now come, come everyone. Stay calm… Jerry put that shovel down! RUDYARD: Alright, Georgie, get the body in the ground GEORGIE: Sir, They’re not very happy RUDYARD: Of course they don’t look happy, it’s a funeral. Off you go! (she grunts) [narration] The service completed, Rudyard Funn and Georgie Crusoe fled the cemetery and hurried back to the funeral home. Established by local character and serial bigamist Gilbert Funn in the fifteenth century, Funn Funerals have always maintained a solid reputation for being the only funeral home on the island. RUDYARD: (grunts) What it could be a good thing back there, you saw Stanley’s widow GEORGIE: That sad old lady RUDYARD: Yes, when she took a swing at her son in law I think she fell into the grave instead. I don’t know if it was fatal but it looked promising to me GEORGIE: Do you think we’d be able to have a quiet funeral RUDYARD: Asking for the impossible never helped anyone GEORGIE: People smiling, swapping happy memories, I’m not sure every funeral should end with violent conflict RUDYARD: Georgie, once you’ve been here a few more months you’ll realise all funerals always end in bloodshed, there's very little you or I can do about it. Now go and get the measuring kit I want to go to Mr Ascii’s and see if he’s dead yet! GEORGIE: Are you sure it’s worth the bother? RUDYARD: I’ve gone round everyday for the last six weeks, I’m not giving up now, Hop to it! GEORGIE: yes sir~ RUDYARD: Get me a dry jacket, and another hat! Where’s Antigone? Antigone! Now look here, yes. Stanley’s widow! Ha I knew it! No, nothing sorry. We can fit her in a six o clock, I’ll leave her in the ground for the moment, it’ll save time in the long run. No, she shouldn’t be brawling at her age. Of course I could fancy my chances against her, Im thirty-five, she was eighty-two see you at six. Georgie! We’ve got a full day ahead of us! Where’s Antigone? GEORGIE: Try the mortuary! RUDYARD: Are you in the mortuary? Antigone? Antigone? Are you in the mortuary? Antigone? Antigone are you in the- ANTIGONE: What?! RUDYARD: I’m back. ANTIGONE: I’d rather look at the corpses. RUDYARD: Oh for- ANTIGONE: Does rest in peace mean nothing to you?! RUDYARD: Well I don’t hear the guests complaining. Room for another? ANTIGONE: Is it Mr Ascii RUDYARD: Not yet, this ones a bonus! [narration] That’s Antigone, Rudyard’s twin sister, despite actually being born one week afterwards. The poor dear had been diagnosed with depression within twenty minutes of being born - a world record which gave her no consolation at all. ANTIGONE: So how was it today? RUDYARD: Err the vicar’s getting worse and of course it was raining and inevitably it ended with a punchup over a portrait of Eva Broughn. But personally I found it all very moving ANTIGONE: Brilliant, so that's another grieving widow we’re going to have to apologise to RUDYARD: No we won't. ANTIGONE: Why not?! RUDYARD: She fell into the grave and died before I left! ANTIGONE: She what?! RUDYARD: It’s been a very productive morning ANTIGONE: You really have no concept of what good business is, do you? RUDYARD: I’d love to disagree with you and Oh! I’m doing it right now ANTIGONE: I’ve been in the mortuary all morning and do you know what I’ve been up to! RUDYARD: Oh sure I don’t want to know ANTIGONE: I’ve spent the past five hours mixing formaldehyde and methanol with clementine and a tiny, tiny dash of cinnamon. That’s what I’ve been doing for five hours! RUDYARD: Should I ask why? ANTIGONE: To try to make our embalming fluid smell nicer! So the bodies will smell nicer! Because have you really ever smelt a body, Rudyard? RUDYARD: Why do we still talk to each other? ANTIGONE: Now! Thanks to me, they’ll smell brighter, fresher, not like bodies at all. That’s the sort of service I’m striving for, Rudyard. I want them to forget that the body is a body. RUDYARD: Yes that’ll work, our Grandad’s dead but don’t worry because he smells like christmas! ANTIGONE: It’s attention to detail Rudyard! It’s how we run a business, you would know! RUDYARD: We get the body in the coffin in the ground on time GEORGIE: Sir, your other jackets been eaten by moths - I saw the whole thing. RUDYARD: Not now, Georgie, how long did it take for the coffin to get to the ground this morning? GEORGIE: A couple of seconds? RUDYARD: Now that’s a good service! GEORGIE: Because I dropped it RUDYARD: But it got where it needed to be and that’s what they pay us for. ANTIGONE: Rudyard, for the very last time! They don't want chaos! They don’t want stress and they don’t want a relative dead before the first is even been buried! RUDYARD: How do you know what they want?! ANTIGONE: In the name of sanity, Rudyard - RUDYARD: I’ve got a very busy day ahead of , so just get back into the mortuary CHAPMAN: Hello! RUDYARD: Yes? CHAPMAN: Eric, Eric Chapman. I’m new, to the place! Just arrived! GEORGIE: Good morning RUDYARD: Georgie, leave it to the professionals. Good morning. We’ve not met. CHAPMAN: No, because I’m new, to the place RUDYARD: You don't have to brag about it! I have met people before CHAPMAN: You’re Mr Rudyard Funn, of Funn Funerals? RUDYARD: Correct CHAPMAN: Terrific name, suppose you put the fun in funerals RUDYARD: No, of course we don’t, that’s obscene CHAPMAN: Sure, never mind

ANTIGONE: Hello Mr Chapman CHAPMAN: OH! Jesus ANTIGONE: Is this too close? CHAPMAN: A little bit! ANTIGONE: Sorry! CHAPMAN: No, don’t mention it! ANTIGONE: Sorry, I’m Antigone, sorry pleased to meet you. CHAPMAN: Err, likewise call me Eric. Are you in charge? ANTIGONE: I’m the mortician, where the action is, CHAPMAN: I bet there’s not much you don’t know about the body, Antigone? ANTIGONE: That sounded like a double meaning GEORGIE: It’s called flirting ANTIGONE: Oh gosh, is it? CHAPMAN: Well, now ANTIGONE: It’s smashing, do it again, have I made it awkward? DAMN RUDYARD: I haven’t got all day! CHAPMAN: Yes so, Rudyard, Antigone and GEORGIE: Georgie, Hi ANTIGONE: That’s enough! CHAPMAN: I saw you at the funeral, didn’t I GEORGIE: Yeah, helping out, it’s a job RUDYARD: Georgie, don’t give away company secrets GEORGIE: I was only - ANTIGONE: Hang on, you were at the funeral this morning? CHAPMAN: Yes I was RUDYARD: And I’m sure you’re impressed with what you saw there Mr Chapman but we really are frightfully CHAPMAN: Actually I wasn’t entirely sure it came off RUDYARD: I’m sorry? CHAPMAN: For a start it got a little violent didn’t it? RUDYARD: Did you think so? CHAPMAN: At the end yes RUDYARD: I’m not sure what funeral you were watching, Mr Chapman but all I saw was good clean mourning CHAPMAN: Didn’t someone die? RUDYARD: A very convenient place for it to happen, Georgie GEORGIE: I’m not RUDYARD: There you go, don’t let us keep you Mr Chapman CHAPMAN: And I thought there could have been a greater attention to detail. Stop me if I’m getting too critical. RUDYARD: Okay I’ll stop you there ANTIGONE: Shut up, carry on Mr Chapman CHAPMAN: Eric ANTIGONE: Gosh CHAPMAN: I have to say it was a little bit grim, I mean it’s a funeral it’s hardly party time but even so these occasions should be a celebration of life rather than going on about death, do you know what I mean? RUDYARD: Nope CHAPMAN: Ah, I don’t want to be made more miserable and I want to remember those happy magnificent memories, I want a cheerful atmosphere, bright flowers, music, funny recolations ANTIGONE: Sweeter smelling fluids CHAPMAN: Exactly, fluids? ANTIGONE: I think they’re very important. CHAPMAN: Sure thing. That's what I mean! Sorting out those little details, pushing the boat out, or the hearse out, well that's just my two cents for what it’s worth RUDYARD: Well, I don’t know what planet you live on, Mr Chapman, but - ANTIGONE: Thank you! We’ll bear those things in mind, won’t we Rudyard. RUDYARD: remind me- ANTIGONE: Smashing! CHAPMAN: Anyway, I thought I’d swing by ANTIGONE: Oh any time! CHAPMAN: Thank you, ANTIGONE: Any time at all CHAPMAN: Yes, I was just swinging by to see the competition. RUDYARD: Competition? CHAPMAN: Yes. ANTIGONE: You mean like a raffle? CHAPMAN: Not exactly RUDYARD: I hate raffles CHAPMAN: That’s a strange thing to hate. I meant you lot! Er, Funn Funerals the local competition… In funerals RUDYARD: You’re an undertaker. CHAPMAN: Well clients prefer funeral director ANTIGONE: You’re just visiting though?! CHAPMAN: No, I live here now, I’m setting myself up ANTIGONE: Your own funeral home? CHAPMAN: yeah, Chapmans, not quite as catchy as Funn Funerals but there we are ANTIGONE: Where are you going to be? CHAPMAN: You know the antique dealer you just buried, Stanley Carmichael? I’m just taking over his premises. ANTIGONE: Just across the square! CHAPMAN: That’s right! Opposite you actually, we’ll probably see a lot of each other, compare notes, swap stories, down the pub - mine’s a light ale by the way. Err did someone die in here? RUDYARD: Goodbye Chapman. CHAPMAN: Oh sure! Glad to meet you Rudyard, Antigone ANTIGONE: Chapman. CHAPMAN: Georgie GEORGIE: See you later ANTIGONE: That’s enough! CAPMAN: Okay. (exhales) Enjoy yourselves! Ah! The sun’s come out! RUDYARD: If he thinks I’m going to buy him a light ale, he’s very much mistaken. ANTIGONE: Oh shut up Rudyard! This is actually very serious. GEORGIE: He seemed fine ANTIGONE: No he didn’t, Georgie, coming over here waving his credentials in our faces, giving us feedback, my god! GEORGIE: I thought you liked him? ANTIGONE: Liked him?! Liked him?! GEORGIE: Yeah! You were talking about fluids and everything! ANTIGONE: That’s professional chit-chat for god’s sake, do you think I like gorgeous handsome men, do you? Exactly, it’s disgusting, it’s disgusting RUDYARD: I can’t think of a scenario where I would buy someone a light ale ANTIGONE: Rudyard, focus! He is serious competition RUDYARD: Him? Competition? Were you listening to the man? GEORGIE: No she wasn’t, She was gazing into his eyes ANTIGONE: Georgina! Go and make some tea. GEORGIE: We haven’t got a kettle ANTIGONE: Buy one. GEORGIE: Fine ANTIGONE: Rudyard, we’re finished, I think I’ll take a cyanide capsule RUDYARD: We are not finished, we’re an established firm, going back centuries! Nobody round here is going to book a funeral with a complete stranger. ANTIGONE: Rudyard! Look At His Shop! RUDYARD: What is it? ANTIGONE: He’s already changed the sign! ‘Chapman’s’ Just like he said. RUDYARD: I’ll admit he’s working quickly. ANTIGONE: That does it. You’ve got to see the mayor, tell him this village isn’t big enough for two funeral homes! RUDYARD: That’s not a bad idea actually, I’ll see him now. (leaves) One day I’ll find an umbrella. [narration] Rudyard scuttled across the village square and up the step leading to Piffling Hall. He was shown into the office of the Right Honourable Mayor Desmond Desmond. A man who thought the most wonderful words in the english language were “I’m sure it’s going to be fine!” SECRETARY: Mr Rudyard Funn to see you sir. MAYOR: Oh, Thank you Margery RUDYARD: Your worship, I really am most desperately sorry to- where are you? MAYOR: Down here, Rudyard, Under the desk. RUDYARD: Why? MAYOR: Ohh, just sitting here, you know. Doing a bit of thinking, big world out there RUDYARD: Yes, er I came to ask you- MAYOR: Rudyard, do you know what the difference is between a village and a town. RUDYARD: Well er, a town has a greater area, MAYOR: Yes? RUDYARD: Higher population, more amenities MAYOR: Ah, amenities, yes RUDYARD: A mayor! MAYOR: oh yes RUDYARD: I actually came to- MAYOR: We have to do something, Rudyard, with our lives haven’t we Rudyard? Don’t you think? RUDYARD: Yes! MAYOR: I look at my seal of office sometimes and all my envelopes, and I read my name, and have I done enough I ask myself, am I even Right Honourable because I don’t feel it. RUDYARD: Well, to call yourself Right Honourable you have to be a judge or a privy counsellor MAYOR: Really? I’m going to change all my stationary now! You see, this is the thing I’m talking about! What have I earned? What have I achieved? God knows we have to try and justify ourselves, somehow. RUDYARD: mhm, I don’t like the man across the road from me. MAYOR: Exactly, and then what with my sister passing the bucket last week, oh top drawer send off you chaps gave her by the way. RUDYARD: Oh, thank you! MAYOR: Oh, pity it rained RUDYARD: Yes well MAYOR: Can’t help that, or the grounds subsidence, still we all laughed seeing her flopping about like that did we- anyway, Do you know what I’ve decided to do, Rudyard? I am going to turn this village into a town. That’s what I’m going to do. I mean things must expand, mustn’t they? RUDYARD: Probably? MAYOR: Do you think so? Good! She used to say terrible things to me, my sister RUDYARD: I’ve got a problem actually MAYOR: Have you? Well can I help, cause I really like to be useful RUDYARD: I think you can be, you see, your worship, there’s this man. MAYOR: He’s not worth it Rudyard. RUDYARD: Yes. What? No I mean, this man is opening a new funeral home directly across the road from mine. MAYOR: Is that a problem? RUDYARD: We can’t have two funeral homes can’t we? MAYOR: Can’t we, why not RUDYARD: Well it’d be ridiculous! MAYOR: I don’t was to look ridiculous! RUDYARD: Exactly! If we have two funeral homes, why not two fire stations, two hospitals, two mayors! MAYOR: Two mayors!?! Could it really get that far? RUDYARD: I would hate to speculate MAYOR: Help me up, would you? Yes, I think we should stab this in the bud immediately. Thank you Rudyard. RUDYARD: Thank you your worship! MAYOR: Gets me out the office anyway RUDYARD: Well from under the desk. MAYOR: We won't talk about that. Margery, cancel my appointments for today SECRETARY: There aren’t any MAYOR: Thank you! Off we go, Rudyard [narration] Upon arriving at Chapman’s, Rudyard and the - until recently Right Honourable Mayor Desmond Desmond discovered that the place was about ready to be opened! And it wasn’t yet even midday! Rudyard braced himself for a sinister journey into the unknown MAYOR: Wasn’t this place an antique shop a few hours ago? RUDYARD: I don’t understand how he has managed to do all this?! MAYOR: Bit flash isn’t it, all these happy colours, not a patch on your set up, look not a speck of dust anywhere! RUDYARD: I mean, he arrived this morning! MAYOR: It must be said though, these sofas are really comfy! Is that a coffee machine? RUDYARD: Yes? MAYOR: Does your place have one of those? RUDYARD: We bought a kettle only half an hour ago CHAPMAN: Hi, sorry to keep you waiting as you can imagine, it’s all go here! RUDYARD: Is that a lift?! CHAPMAN: Mr Mayor, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Eric Chapman, there are some chocolate truffles in the bowl there, help yourself. Would you like the tour, I’d love to show you around, it’s still not quite finished MAYOR: Perhaps another time, Mr Chapman RUDYARD: You’ve got a lift?! MAYOR: Umm, I don’t know quite how to say this but CHAPMAN: How to say what, Mr Mayor? MAYOR: Well, it’s very naughty of you to have done this, is it? CHAPMAN: Is it? MAYOR: Oh without permission I mean CHAPMAN: But you gave me permission MAYOR: Did I? CHAPMAN: I mean before I came here, I was calling back and forth with your people and everything got sorted and err where are we, here we are, look, here’s your signature MAYOR: Yes, the smiley face in the ‘O’ well, it’s definitely mine! You must understand, I don't always read everything I’m given, I am usually kept very busy CHAPMAN: I’m sure, don’t worry about it MAYOR: What do you think? Rudyard? RUDYARD: That’s a really nice lift?!! CHAPMAN: Oh thanks Rudyard MAYOR: Yes, well, even with all this I mean, I am the mayor aren’t I and I have the perfect right to change my mind. CHAPMAN: Oh do you not want me here? MAYOR: No no no no! Not that but you see it’s just that well err, Rudyard? RUDYARD: Sorry? Yes er, Now Look Here CHAPMAN: Yes? RUDYARD: We’ve already got a funeral home MAYOR: Exactly! We’ve already got one and will the best will in the world we can’t have two funeral homes, can we? CHAPMAN: Why? MAYOR: Because, well, then you see, we’d need apparently have to have two hospitals you see? CHAPMAN: That’s a great idea MAYOR: Is it? Oh well good, I’d get onto that! BUT No, nevertheless the village just can’t sustain two funeral homes can it? CHAPMAN: You could be right there MAYOR: Could I? RUDYARD: Told you so CHAPMAN: But you know what could sustain two funeral homes? MAYOR: No? CHAPMAN: A town! MAYOR: A town? You say? RUDYARD: Hmm No! No- CHAPMAN: Now don’t get me wrong, this is a great village but I think it’s going to be an even greater town! And I want to help you do that in the only way I can: with a funeral home. MAYOR: Can I ask you a question? CHAPMAN: Go for it MAYOR: If we had two funeral homes would we need two mayors as well? CHAPMAN: No. That’s ridiculous MAYOR: Oh, excellent in that case I hereby pronounce this funeral home: open! RUDYARD: What? What are they doing there?! CHAPMAN: We’re taking advance orders, it’s just a service we provide. MAYOR: Well, I won’t take up any more of your time. Mr Chapman CHAPMAN: Oh please, Mr Mayor, It’s Eric MAYOR: Best of luck Eric, if you are ever at a loose end, do pop by the hall, sometimes we have movie nights! CHAPMAN: I’ll remember that and if you ever need our services it’s on the house. MAYOR: Tremendous, looking forward to it, now RUDYARD: Now, now hang on, we- MAYOR: Glad to have you here CHAPMAN: Mr Mayor MAYOR: No no no, call me Desmond! Ttfn CHAPMAN: Talk to you later, Desmond MAYOR: Should I leave the doors open? CHAPMAN: Oh, if you would, Rudyard I’m sorry I can’t stay and chat, can I get you anything. Oh I know what, make yourself a cup of coffee, I’ll better see to that queue eh? Enjoy yourself! Don’t forget the truffles! Good morning ladies and gentlemen, well afternoon now. Well, I’m delighted to say welcome to Chapman’s and remember: We put the fun in funerals RUDYARD: Chapman! [narration] After a coffee, and a couple of truffles, Rudyard stormed out, seething with resentment. He kicked a small dog and got bitten by its owner. Having gotten back to Funn Funerals, Rudyard sat down on a chair by the window and stared out across the road muttering out loud to his only real friend in the world RUDYARD: (muttering) It’s only a funeral home who the hell do they think they are eh? (squeaks) RUDYARD: Exactly, I give him a week, alright maybe two.. Ah he might have gold blend and lounge music but you can’t put a glass on the mechanics. We get the body in the coffin in the ground on time, That’s what it's about, I bet his corpses don't smell of cinnamon. Yeah, we’ll see who runs this village. ANTIGONE: Rudyard you’re talking to that mouse again aren’t you? RUDYARD: Her name is Madeleine ANTIGONE: It’s not normal! RUDYARD: Antigone, you spend twenty-three hours a day in the mortuary don’t try to tell me what’s normal. Off you go Madeleine, we’ll continue this later ANTIGONE: You haven’t moved all afternoon! RUDYARD: I don’t need to move, I’m plotting ANTIGONE: Where’s Georgie? RUDYARD: Day off, no work, plotting. ANTIGONE: Rudyard, for the first time in our lives we actually have competition which means we could really do with having some friends so could you get out there and make some? RUDYARD: I’ll do it tomorrow ANTIGONE: Have you at least gone round to check on Mr Ascii RUDYARD: Who? ANTIGONE: Mr Ascii, the man we’ve been waiting to die for six weeks, because so help me I need to embalm somebody and it could quite easily be you RUDYARD: Look Mr Ascii’s immortal, he’ll never die so what’s the point about it. Now Look Here, Georgie? What? Right, I’ll see you there. Mr Ascii’s dead. ANTIGONE: Is he? RUDYARD: Yes. OH MY GOD MR ASCII’S DEAD! ANTIGONE: How?! RUDYARD: Heart attack, half an hour ago it’s all around the village, Antigone, I’m so happy! ANTIGONE: Took him long enough RUDYARD: Ahh He’s dead, he’s dead, he’s dead, he’s dead, he’s dead, he’s dead! ANTIGONE: Rudyard! Stop being happy and get over there now! RUDYARD: Sorry, yes, get over there, I’m gone. Rudyard is back in the game! … Rudyard is going to get wet! Have the mortuary ready! ANTIGONE: And Rudyard, don’t cock it up. [narration] Before you judge Rudyard too harshly at his delight at an old man’s demise, I should tell you that Mr Ascii was Rudyard’s old PE teacher at school so his delight is almost entirely justified. Rudyard met Georgie at Mr Ascii’s bijuu residence at five forty-five. GEORGIE: Okay, okay  RUDYARD: Georgie GEORIGIE: Sir? RUDYARD: Say it again for me won’t you, say it again GEORGIE: Alright, Mr Ascii’s dead but listen I’ve got- RUDYARD: Yeessssss, Get in there my son… whatever that means GEORGIE: Yeah I ought to say- RUDYARD: I’ve been looking forward to putting him in the ground, can’t mock me for losing the 200 metre dash now can you, Mr Ascii! GEORGIE: Before you get excited RUDYARD: Right yes, got to straighten up, think grave. How do I look? GEORGIE: Miserable RUDYARD: Great, let’s go GEORGIE: But sir, NURSE: Could we please have some quiet out here, oh it’s you, Mister Funn RUDYARD: Good afternoon nurse, Could please take this opportunity to convey my most prevermed(???) condolences NURSE: Thank you Mister Funn RUDYARD: I’m sure my apprentice Ms Crusoe, has already carried out our preliminary duties so I think in the interest of efficiency we should let the dog see the rabbit, if you’ll take me through NURSE: Well, This is actually rather embarrassing RUDYARD: Oh please don’t say it’s a false alarm! NURSE: In a sense,,, yes RUDYARD: Oh for, Georgie you said he was dead GEORGIE: He is dead RUDYARD: But, ugh, Nurse, one of us in this corridor is deeply confused and I’m beginning to believe it might be you NURSE: No? RUDYARD: I knew it, she’s mad, grab her Georgie. NURSE: I’m not mad! RUDYARD: That’s what a mad person would say, Georgie GEORGIE: Let’s do this CHAPMAN: Rudyard! Great to see you RUDYARD: Chapman! CHAPMAN: Busy afternoon, eh, hello Georgie GEORGIE: Hey, Eric RUDYARD: Stop flirting. Nurse, I demand this man be told to vacate this bijuu residence immediately CHAPMAN: Look, this is my bad, and I’ve really got to apologise for this one NURSE: Mr Ascii requested it! RUDYARD: He what? NURSE: With his final words he said he couldn’t bare to get buried by such a feeble little weed as Rudyard Funn CHAPMAN: Interesting man, he wanted to see my gold medals from the 200 metre dash, gotta say I wasn’t expecting business to kick off so quickly NURSE: You’re doing a most proper job Mr Chapman CHAPMAN: Thank you nurse, I think we’ll collect him first thing tomorrow. Anyway must run, good to see you Rudyard, Georgie. Enjoy yourselves! Ahh NURSE: What a charming man, I hear he’s still a bachelor RUDYARD: So am I.. NURSE: Yes well, hardly surprising is it? GEORGIE: Ahh well, can’t win em all eh sir? Sir, are you alright? RUDYARD: I am so… SIX O CLOCK GEORGIE: Six o clock? RUDYARD: Six o clock! The cemetery, Stanley’s widow, Stanley Carmichael’s widow in the cemetery at six o clock! GEORGIE: Oh yeah! I forgot about that! RUDYARD: What time is it? GEORGIE: About five to six but you’ll never get there. Sir?! Oh for god’s sake, Rudyard! Come back here you stupid. [narration] Rudyard raced down the cliff, past the trees and through the streets with speed that would have finally impressed Mr Ascii, had he not already been dead. His lungs aching for breath, his limbs trembling with the effort, Rudyard tumbled into the cemetery at exactly one minute past six. To discover… RUDYARD: It’s…. It’s all REV: Ahh, there you are Rudyard! RUDYARD: Reverend? What’s going on? REV: Well, I arrived to oversee the preliminaries on Mrs Carmichael’s err, transferal to a better world - if such a place exists - which i'm not certain about one way or the other, and I found that her family and friends had been gathered together already for the funeral. RUDYARD: For the funeral? REV: Since the deceased was already here, and sensibly dressed, he just got it done out of the way, young fella named Eric, got his own funeral practise I understand. I’m hearing marvelous things about it. He’s got a coffee machine! Led them all a couple of sing songs actually, even had my speech prepared for me! Very succinct it was, breezed through it all in no time. RUDYARD: Chapman… REV: Oh he also found a lake! Over there! I think we’re all going boating in a minute. He owns a boat you know RUDYARD: Chapman! REV: Anyway, I better get to be going back to it, we’re having jelly and ice cream, bags of fun. Goodbye, Rudyard! Or should I say: Enjoy yourself! RUDYARD: I see. I see. Well CHAPMAN: Hello Rudyard. RUDYARD: Oh. It’s. you. Did a fair job I hear, congratulations, don’t think it will always be like this they won’t hand it to you on a plate you know, they won’t do that. This is very much the exception. Oh what? What? You can talk can’t you? Say something? CHAPMAN: Rudyard. Have a nice evening. RUDYARD: What do you- What do you mean: have a nice evening? What do you mean by that remark, Chapman? What if I don’t want to have a nice evening? Eh? What if I Don’t? Chapman! What did you mean! Chapman! Chapman?! [narration] Today had been the worst day of Rudyard’s life, until tomorrow came along and topped it. I was there to jot it all down from first hand observation (and a little bit of gossip I picked up later) and of course, being his only real friend in the world, Rudyard tells me everything. My name is Madeleine - I’m going to be the first mouse to be a Sunday Times Best Seller, and I know for a fact that Rudyard want to revenge himself on Eric by well, we’ll burn that bridge when be come to it 

[derangedangel]

Beautiful Distraction - Klaus Mikaelson

Summary: An old friend from Mystic Falls ask you to help with a plan without giving you all the information resulting in you meeting Klaus 

Word Count: 4,867

Author’s Note: So it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything and I’m sorry. Inspiration to write doesn’t always strike when you want it to. Oh, and The Originals ended a year ago last week and I’m still heartbroken of Klaus’ death. 

The sun was beaming down but the giant umbrella above you was blocking it out. You were laying back in a lounge chair poolside in Miami when your phone began to ring.

“Hello?”

Normal people answer the phone with a ‘hey’ or ‘hello.’ Not your friends. 

“Y/N, I need your help.”

“With what? I’m kind of busy at the moment.”

“You owe me remember. You said that, now you have to follow through.” His voice was stern so you knew whatever it was he needed, it was important. 

“Ughh, fine. What is it,” you asked rolling your eyes. 

“I need you to be a distraction.”

“A distraction? What have you gotten yourself into Damon?”

“Don’t worry about that right now. It’s nothing for you to worry about, sweetheart. I just need you to distract a man.”

“A man,” you asked Damon finally catching your attention. “Well why didn’t you start off with that? A man is something I can help with,” you grinned into the phone.

The Salvatore boarding house was much bigger than you thought. Damon tended to over exaggerate about things, so you downplayed the size of the house in your mind. You knocked on the big wooden door and you heard footsteps approaching from inside. 

The door swung open and although you had never actually seen the man who stood in front of you before, you instantly knew who he was. 

“You must be Stefan,” you grinned looking at the brunette. 

“How’d you know,” he asked.

You pointed to your head. “The hair.”

Stefan’s lips pulled into a straight line and he nodded. “Right. Are you Y/N,” he asked and you nodded. “Damon’s in the parlor. You can follow me.” You followed him into the house looking around at all the antique furniture. The house was nice. A little outdated, but nice. 

“Y/N,” Damon said standing up from the couch with his arms wide open. 

“Long time no see,” you greeted back before you hugged him. 

“It has been a while.”

“Well, you only seem to call when you need something. I’m starting to feel used,” you said pouting. 

“Oh please, you know I love you,” Damon said as he wrapped his arm over your shoulder and faced his brother. “You’ve already met my brother Stefan.”

“Yeah, I recognized him from all the descriptions of the hair you gave me. It’s really nice to finally meet you Stefan,” you said reaching out to shake his hand. 

“It’s nice to meet you, too. I’m actually pretty shocked Damon has a woman friend who’s so polite.”

Damon’s face scrunched up offended at his brother’s statement. “I know nice women.” 

“And you usually end up on top of them then forget their names the next day,” Stefan quipped back. 

“Ooo he’s got you there,” you said smirking which made Stefan smile. 

Damon dropped his arm from over your shoulder. “I didn’t ask you to come here to team up with my brother and attack me.”

“No, you didn’t,” you said shaking your head, “but it is so much fun.”

“You’re here to help, not to be a pain in my neck.”

“Actually, I’m here because I owe you and I keep my word.” You walked over to a nearby couch and sat down, dropping your purse beside you. 

“How do you owe him,” Stefan asked sitting in the chair beside you. 

“I saved her life,” Damon said before he sipped his bourbon he was drinking before you arrived. 

Stefan’s eyebrow quirked up. The only people Damon ever helped beside himself, was Elena and Stefan. 

You saw the look on Stefan’s face and quickly answered the question you knew he was wondering. “He did. This bastard of a vampire hunter was this close to killing me,” you said holding up your fingers only a hair width apart, “and Damon ripped his heart out. I told him I owed him one and we’ve been friends ever since.”

“Wow, my brother actually did something noble.”

“Hey, I can be a good guy when I want to be,” Damon interjected. He threw his arm over the couch behind your head and sat his ankle over his knee relaxing back into the couch. 

“You’re not all bad I guess,” you said rolling your eyes. You laughed when you saw Damon’s annoyed look. “So, why did you call me to this hole in the wall of a town. I was busy.”

“Busy doing what,” Damon asked already knowing you weren’t really busy.

“Well if you must know, when you called I was waiting for the cabana boy to bring me my margarita.”

Damon tilted his head towards you. “So you were busy, waiting for a margarita?”

“Yeah,” you said as if he was actually interrupting something important. “And I didn’t even get to drink any of it. You acted like this was so urgent. I booked the first flight out and came here.”

“Well, thank you for taking time away from your precious margarita,” Damon said sarcastically. 

“You’re welcome,” you replied like you actually missed out on something. “Now, who’s this guy I’ll be distracting?”

Damon’s eyes darted to Stefan’s for a brief moment before he spoke. “His name is Nik. He’s been causing us some trouble and we need to keep him preoccupied so we can get something out of his house.”

“And why couldn’t you ask someone else to do it? I know you’re not the friendliest guy on the planet, but you didn’t have anyone here that can help?”

“I’m going to pretend like I’m not insulted at your insinuation that I don’t have any friends-”

“You don’t,” you interrupted. 

“But,” Damon said loudly, “Nik has already met everyone I know here so he would be suspicious if we sent one of them. Plus, I knew you would be perfect for the job. Men have a way of getting distracted by you and giving you whatever you want.”

You smiled to yourself. “They do. It really is a talent,” you said look at Stefan proud of yourself. 

“So you think you can do it,” Damon asked.

You scoffed. “Can I do it? I’m insulted you would even ask.” You shook your head looking away from Damon. “But I am curious. You call in the favor I owe you to distract some guy. He must have something you really need if you’re doing all this just to distract him.”

“The less you know the better,” Damon said not making eye contact with you. From the way he was acting, you started getting a little concerned. You looked over to Stefan and his expression was unreadable. 

“I’ll let it slide for now,” you said crossing your legs. “But just know, whatever it is, I will find out.”

“I’m sure you will,” Damon replied smirking. 

“So,” you said looking between both brothers, “how am I distracting this guy?”

The black skirt you were wearing slid up your thigh and you tugged the fabric down again. “I heard you the first ten times Damon. I got it,” you said annoyed into your phone. “Matt’s the blonde hair blue eyed dreamboat at the bar. He’ll keep watch and warn you if I can’t keep the guy busy. This Nik guy is sitting at the bar. He’s wearing a forest green Henley, dark jeans, and drinking bourbon. I can’t miss him.”

Damon had gone through the plan with you about five times in the last two hours. He was leaving out some details to try to keep you on board, but he didn’t want you to get hurt because of him either. 

“I’m just making sure you understand. This plan needs to go perfect.”

“Are you doubting my abilities,” you questioned as you stood right outside the Mystic Grill. You would be inside already if Damon would hurry up and get off the phone. 

“I would never doubt your man eating abilities, Y/N. Just keep the guy busy for as long as possible. We may be searching for a while.”

“Trust me. I got this,” you said confidently. 

“I know.” Damon was about to hang up but he added for you to be careful. You found it endearing he cared, but what could be dangerous about distracting some old vampire named Nik?

You walked into the Mystic Grill and didn’t find anything appealing about it. This was supposed to be the local hangout in town. It seemed more like a last resort to you. Why Damon stayed in this small town was beyond you. So far you only knew his brother was there, which should have been reason enough you guessed, but there was also some girl. Elena. She was dating Stefan, but you could tell something deeper was going on there with Damon. 

You glanced around the little restaurant and found the Matt guy Stefan described to you without much hassle. You looked to his left and saw the guy you assumed was Nik. 

As you walked up to the bar, you could tell you were already catching a few eyes. This was a small town, so of course everyone would notice when there was someone new to look at. Your thigh high boots seemed to click a little louder than normal on the hard floor as you walked. You saw a few girls eyeing your boots. Guess they weren’t used to $2,000 Louboutins walking past them everyday. 

You sat two seats over from Nik and immediately got the bartenders attention. Damon took a photo of you before you left and sent it to Matt, so he knew who you were as soon as you walked in. You leaned over the counter just a tad and saw you already had the old vampire’s attention. 

“Can I get a Bellini please,” you smiled ever so sweetly at the blonde bartender. He looked a bit young to be drinking alcohol let alone serving it. But what did you care? 

He looked a bit confused before he responded. “Umm, I’m not sure what that is exactly.”

Your smile dropped slightly and you sat back on the bar stool. You were about to speak when a deep accented voice spoke up first.

“It’s peach puree with Prosecco. Which I doubt this establishment has either of the two.”

You got a good look at the guy while he was talking and he was pretty cute. Although, you could tell he wasn’t the type of man to like being called cute. This was going to be fun. 

“Sorry, we don’t have any Prosecco,” Matt apologized to you. 

Your smile was tight before you spoke. “That’s alright sweetie. It doesn’t hurt to ask. Just give me a bourbon and coke then.” You sat your clutch on the counter and Nik started speaking, but this time it was to you. 

“Bourbon? A woman after my own heart.”

“I presume that’s what you’re drinking,” you said looking at the glass in his hand. 

“Why of course. It’s a classic.”

You smirked as your responded, “That it is.” Matt sat your glass down in front of you and you slowly sipped on the drink.

“You’re not from around here are you,” Nik asked smirking as he looked you over.

Turning in your seat to face him a little more you asked smiling, “How could you tell?”

“I’ve only been here a few weeks, but I would surly remember if I’ve seen your face around here,” he said then took a sip of his own drink. “Also, the way all the locals are looking at you, I’m sure they’ve never seen someone as posh as you before.”

“That’s true,” you nodded. You were taking the fact that your face was memorable as compliment and your ego was feeding into it. “You’re not from around here either. I know you said you’ve only been here a few weeks, but the accent is a dead give away.”

Nik smiled showing off his dimples and you almost melted into the bar stool. “That is correct, love.” Okay, this man was obviously trying to kill you by calling you love with that smile on his face. Damon was right to tell you to be careful. 

“Where are you from,” you asked as you scooted over to the bar stool next to you so now you were only one seat apart. Nik smiled at the action then did the same himself so the two of you were next to each other now. 

“Originally, I was born here. But my family has traveled all over the world.”

“So that explains the English accent then,” you said smiling.

“Something like that,” Nik responded before he hid his lips with his glass of bourbon. 

“Interesting,” you said lowly then licked your lips. “So what brings you to this little town?”

“Just visiting an old friend and a little business. And what brings someone as elegant as yourself to Mystic Falls,” Nik asked with a head tilt. 

“Just passing through. I prefer the bigger cities, but I like to drive through the small towns and cause a little havoc.”

“Havoc you say,” Nik asked growing more intrigued by you by the second. 

“I’m sure you know the type of havoc I’m talking about,” you said glancing down at his hand grinning wickedly. “Us vampires have to get their kicks somehow right.”

Nik looked at you a bit shocked. “How do you know I’m a vampire,” he asked not at all worried.

You raised his hand up. “Not a lot of men wear rings like this,” you said then placed his hand down ignoring the tiny shock that went through your body from touching him. “Either this was a daylight ring or a gaudy family heirloom and I was just going to have to compel you to forget.” 

“Good observation,” Nik said. You began string your drink with the black cocktail straw that Matt put in there. 

“You have to be observant when you live our kind of lives. Trust the wrong person and next thing you know you’re dead.” You put a little more emphases on the word dead by stabbing your straw in your drink. 

“All true things,” Nik said and you looked up into his gorgeous blue eyes. This man was oozing trouble but for some reason you didn’t feel frightened by him. But that worried you slightly. You knew Damon and his brother were in some type of trouble and this man had everything to do with it. 

Time seemed to fly by as you talked to Nik. The pool table became free and you got him to play a round with you. You won of course, but it did seem like he was holding back a little. You were both vampires which meant your aim was impeccable. It did take some of the fun out of the game though. 

Eventually, you both found yourselves back at the bar. Nik bought you another bourbon and coke and he was nursing another bourbon as well. 

“This bourbon isn’t doing it for me anymore,” you said as you watched the ice in the glass clink as you swirled the glass in your hand. 

“Anything in particular that would quench your thirst,” Nik asked while he watched you. 

A mischievous grin took over your face. You sat your drink down on the napkin on the bar before you spoke. “I do have something in mind.” You glanced at Nik before you flagged down the other bartender. Matt had walked off somewhere to help another customer. When the new bartender approached and asked what he could get you, you leaned over the bar and looked him straight in the eye compelling him. “You’re going to be real quiet and take me and my new friend here to the storage room for a little treat.” 

Your new victim nodded his head then exited from behind the bar. You hopped off your stool and grabbed Nik’s hand sneaking off to the Grill’s storage room. When the guy whose name tag read Luke brought you to the storage closest, you told him to open it up and go instead. As soon as the door shut behind the three of you, you were compelling him again. Tell him he wouldn’t scream or call for help and he wouldn’t feel any pain. Your teeth pierced his neck and he almost fell back if it weren’t for the grip you held on him. He leaned into the shelves behind him, making the condiments shake. Nik stood behind you watching you intently. 

You pulled back from Luke, your face still vamped out but it faded when you looked at Nik. “You’re not going to let me drink alone are you,” you asked smiling. Nik smirked at you then walked up to the other side of Luke and took a bite.  

For a brief moment, when you were both drinking from Luke, your eyes met. The storage closet was dimly lit, but you could still see how breathtaking Nik’s eyes were. 

You let go of Luke’s neck and Nik did the same. You bit your wrist and held it up to Luke’s mouth and told him to drink. “You’re going to go back out and bartend like nothing happened. All you’re going to remember is that you came back here for something, the closet was mess, so you organized it. Got it?” 

He nodded and went on his merry way. You turned to face Nik and saw a little blood dripping from his lip. “You got a little blood still on you,” you said and pointed on yourself where it was on him. He reached up to wipe it, but missed completely. You giggled then reached up to his face as you said, “Here, let me get it.” 

You wiped the blood off then licked it off your fingers. No point in letting good blood go to waste. Nik stepped closer to you so there was only an inch between the two of you. His breath fanned your face and you were wondering why he didn’t just kiss you already. 

Both of you stared the other down. It was like a challenge, each person waiting for the other to break first. You always hated games. You turned your head so your noses wouldn’t hit and connected your lips. Nik’s hands wrapped around your waist and yours went up to the back of his head. Your fingers ran through his soft, wavy hair. You wondered how curly it would get it he grew it out more and didn’t style it. 

Nik’s lips left yours and ran down your neck. You leaned back to give him room as his hands tightened around your waist. After he made his way back up, you felt it was time to stop before things got even more heated in the storage room. You tugged at his lip as you pulled away, then stepped back. The both of you were breathing heavy trying to catch your breath. 

Nik moved closer to you to kiss you again but you dodged his lips. He smirked before speaking, “Don’t be shy now, love.”

“My mother always taught me leave them wanting more,” you said smirking. “And besides,” you continued, “I don’t even know your name.”

Nik stepped closer to you, leaning down so his lips were almost at your neck again. “I don’t know your name either,” he said before he kissed your neck. “But mines is Klaus.”

He began to kiss your neck over and over, trying to slowly make his way to your lips. But your brain was working overtime. Klaus... Nik... Damon said he was an old powerful vampire... Oh shit.

“Uhhh...,” you said with a bit of a breathy laugh feeling Klaus’ hand slide down your back now. “You mean Klaus as in Niklaus Mikaelson?”

Klaus leaned back so he was looking in your eyes again. You tried your best to not look terrified at the thought of you making out with an original vampire. “The one and only. But I do prefer to go by Klaus.”

You giggled nervously as you stepped away from Klaus. “If I had known I was going to meet one of the original vampires today I would have dressed better.”

“Nonsense,” Klaus said stepping closer to you making you more nervous by the second. “You look ravishing.” 

“Actually, I should really get going. This was fun,” you said trying to play off that fact that you were currently terrified. 

“Who says it has to end,” Klaus said grabbing your hand.

You smiled. “Leave them wanting more remember.” You let go of Klaus’ hand and quickly made your way out of the Grill without looking back.

You busted into the boarding house and looked around. You heard bustling and low voices in the kitchen. You sped in the room and immediately saw Damon. You rushed to him, pinning him against the back wall. 

“Nik as in Niklaus Mikaelson,” you yelled making the veins in your head pop. If this were a cartoon, steam would be blowing out of your ears right now.

Damon struggled a little under your grip on his neck. “You seem mad,” he grunted out.  

“Mad,” you roared. “I was mad that time you spilled bourbon in my white Valentino bag. I was mad when you left those dead girls in my hotel room. I am infuriated! He could have killed me,” you yelled pressing a little hard into his neck making it increasingly difficult for him to breath. 

“But he didn’t,” he pointed out short of breath.

“Look, Y/N,” Stefan began to say but the furious look on your face when you turned to face him stopped him.

“Stefan, as of right now, all the blame is going on Damon. You don’t know me and don’t owe me a thing. This bastard is my friend and sent me into a dangerous situation without all the information. You’re his brother and probably just went along with his harebrained scheme. But if you get between us right now, I can’t guarantee you’ll come out of it alive,” you cautioned.

You turned back to Damon and tightened your grip before you let him drop to the ground. He coughed a few times trying to catch his breath. 

“I’m sorry, Y/N. But I knew you wouldn’t do it if you knew who he was.”

“Of course I wouldn’t have,” you said as you crossed your arms over your chest. “Klaus Mikaelson is the most feared person on the planet. Do you know what he would have done to me if he found out I was distracting him so you and your Scooby-Doo gang of friends could steal from his home?”

“You’re freaking out over nothing. You’re fine and we got what we needed. You’ll never even have to see him again.”

“Its really upsetting that you don’t see the problem in this.”

“Y/N,” Damon said pleadingly, “I know it was bad, but I knew if anyone could handle Klaus it would be you. He wasn’t going to figure out that the gorgeous, intelligent woman talking to him was just keeping him busy for a little while. ”

You huffed before you spoke, “I guess you’re right.” You sauntered around him like you were taking in what he was saying. You turned so you were directly facing Damon. “In the end, he didn’t realize I was misleading him.” 

“That’s what I’m saying,” Damon said, a smile on his face when he thought you were finally understanding him.

Before Damon could even blink, you rushed to him and snapped his neck. Stefan jerked forward, but you held up a finger stopping him. “I’m still good with you right now Stefan. Don’t jeopardize that.” You looked at Stefan’s brown eyes that held sympathy for you. “And you know he deserved it. He’ll be fine in a little while.” 

You stepped over Damon and went upstairs to the guest room you were staying in to collect your belongings. Maybe you would get over what Damon did one day, but for right now, you were pissed so it was best to get away from him. It was 12 in the morning, so you thought it would be best just to find somewhere else in Mystic Falls for the night. You would figure out where you were going to go next, and find the first flight that was near by that could take you there in the morning. 

You ended up staying in some little three floor hotel. It definitely wasn’t up to your normal standards, but the little town didn’t offer much and you didn’t feel like searching high and low for a better place to sleep. You were currently in a diner with a plate of pancakes and eggs in front of you. San Juan was going to be your next stop, but the soonest flight you could get was tomorrow afternoon. You would make the hour drive to the closest airport later that afternoon. 

“It seems as if the universe has bigger plans for us,” an accented voice you hoped not to hear again said from across the booth you were sitting in. You looked up and were met with those blue eyes you got lost in the night before. 

“Or this is the only decent place in town to get breakfast,” you replied. You smiled closed lip up at him over you phone. 

“I prefer to go with the universe at work,” Klaus said smirking at you. You were taking the fact that he was sitting across from you as him not knowing you were involved with Damon’s plan. 

You huffed locking your phone and sitting it on the table before you said, “I didn’t think you were the type to believe in destiny and the universe at work.” 

“I’m not,” Klaus said picking up the menu on the table looking it over. “I prefer to create my own destiny rather than let the cards lay wherever they fall.”

Tilting your head you asked, “So how do I know you didn’t find out I was here then show up?”

Klaus looked up at you, his blue eyes managing to sparkle in the florescent lighting of the dinner. “You don’t,” he said smiling. The two of you eyed each other for a moment before Klaus spoke again. “So, you said you like to pass through small towns. What city are you off too next, love?” 

There goes that pet name again you thought. Or did he call everyone love? The waitress came by and refilled your glass of orange juice. You nodded and smiled in her direction as a thank you before you focused back on Klaus. “I’m not sure if I should tell you.” Klaus’ eyebrow rose. “I mean, you already followed me here. What’s to say you won’t follow me to the next place I travel?”

“Well someone thinks highly of herself,” Klaus replied leaning back into the red booth cushion. 

“Oh please,” you said propping your elbow on the table and resting your chin in your palm. “I can tell by the smirk on your face, your ego is huge. Plus I’ve heard stories about the man, the myth that is Klaus Mikaelson.”

The dimple in Klaus’ cheek grew deeper as his smirk curved higher. You could feel his ego getting bigger.

You took a sip of your orange juice then said, “San Juan.”

“And when will you no longer be gracing Mystic Fall’s with your presence?”

“Tomorrow afternoon. It would have been today, but there were no direct flights out near here.”

“Since your flight isn’t until tomorrow, it would be safe to assume you have no plans for tonight.”

Your hand dropped and you sat up straight in your seat. “It wouldn’t be safe to assume anything. But yes, I am free this evening.”

“Excellent,” Klaus said smiling. “Then you will be able to accompany me to dinner tonight.”

“Is Klaus Mikaelson asking me on a date,” you said grinning. You were getting a little cocky that the great, most feared original vampire was trying to go out with you. 

“Is that a yes,” Klaus asked.

You flipped your hair over your shoulder as you bit the inside of your mouth. “It’s an I’m flattered, but-”

“What do you have to lose,” Klaus said interrupting you, a sly smirk on his face.

My life you thought to yourself. What if he found out you were apart of Damon’s plan? Maybe he already knew and this was a plot to get revenge. Maybe he didn’t know and you should just come clean now before he found out so you could explain yourself. But the look he was giving you told you he was attracted to you. 

“It’s one night, Y/N.” 

You thought about it for a moment. Everything in you was screaming to say no. Klaus was trouble. This town was trouble. What if Damon found out? What if he showed up and Klaus learned you knew the man that was hell bent on wanting him dead? You were leaving tomorrow and it was best to leave any potential feelings for him as well. That was the smart thing to do.

“As long as you take me any place but the Grill, I’m in.”