#'hey dude guess what! my girlfriend has autism too. what should i get her for her birthday?'

[bruciemilf]

I really, really love Dori in the Batman. No reason either. She's just an old lady who most definetly knows Bruce's knightly secret and...Doesn't tell anyone about it, in my mind.

But it got me thinking. She's the only staff we see besides Alfred. Headcanon that, as Bruce got older, employees started to slowly leave. People Bruce knew since he started walking and speaking.

Not because they hated him, oh no. Because he started looking more and more like his parents.

[kootenaygoon]

So,

Ryan was wielding his wrench like a weapon.

I’d known him for over a year by this point, and become acquainted with his peculiarities — just shy of an autism diagnosis, he had a propensity to rage monologue and exactly zero tolerance for small talk. He was a hulking blond metalwork artist struggling to keep a steady job, and he lived with his girlfriend Kate and his grandmother in a ramshackle house down in Lower Fairview. I’d seen him have a number of  but I’d never seen him worked up like this. The dude was literally vibrating.

“What’s going on?” I asked. “Kate said some shit went down with Snapper?”

Ryan ran his grease-covered fingers through his hair, blinked at the sky, then spent some time sucking back air through his nostrils. Before I pulled up he’d been working on his latest project: a giant truck he’d salvaged from a Blewett junkyard that he was planning to spend the next few years restoring. A stripe of black ran through his right eyebrow.

“Let’s just say I haven’t murdered anyone yet. Kate should probably tell you the rest. You wanna smoke a joint inside?”

Once we passed through the entranceway I was happily greeted by Ryan’s grandmother, a white-haired Argenta woman fond of gabbing. She held us up for a moment with small-talk before we headed back to his bedroom, where Kate was sitting cross-legged on the bed rolling joints while watching some obscure British television series I’d never heard of. Ryan quickly gathered some laundry off a nearby computer chair so I could sit down, and Kate jumped up to give me a hug. We’d originally met through Paisley’s burlesque class and she’d quickly become one of my closest confidantes, a trusted ally I could go to when things got stressful at work or shitty at home.

“I was just over at Niles’ dispensary, and I heard some shit went down with Snapper? Like you got him fired or something?”

Kate laughed. “That dude’s lucky he’s not in jail. I had to physically restrain Ryan earlier.”

“What happened?”

If there was anyone who liked telling a story as much as I did, it was Kate. Her burlesque name was Lola Lane, and she was known for having a fiery and unapologetic personality. She was curvier than some of her contemporaries, passionate about body positivity, and was currently working at a high-end bra store on Baker Street. She put aside her rolling for a moment so she could fully engage, sweeping her hands through the air as she took me through the play-by-play.  

“So we’ve been going to Niles’ dispensary since it opened, as you know, and we’ve always been really good customers. But the thing is, you know, they just can’t compete with Phil’s prices.”

“Right, so?”

“Well, I guess I was talking about that, telling people that if they wanted to save money they should head across the street, and somebody must’ve told Snapper that I was disrespecting the business or whatever bullshit, so he messaged me and started saying all this crazy shit.”

“Snapper messaged you? What, like on Facebook?”

“I should show you. I can show you what he said, word for word. It was so unnecessarily aggressive.”

Ryan snorted in the corner, staring at his computer screen, but didn’t say anything. Kate lit one of the joints, taking a few exploratory hoots, then passed it my way. Her rolling skills were exemplary, and I held it up for a moment to admire its firm, bat-like construction.

“So what did you do?”

“I called their head office in Vancouver, and talked to the president of the company.”

I laughed. “Are you shitting me? The president?”

She smiled, pleased with herself. “Believe me, when I told her the things Snapper was saying she was absolutely shocked. She promised me that he would be fired immediately. She said they couldn’t be associated with that sort of behaviour, especially while they’re in this grey area legal zone.”

“Okay, seriously: what did he say?”

She pulled out her phone, scrolled through her messages for a moment, then handed it to me. There was a pretty tame back and forth as he accused her of bad-mouthing the dispensary and told her to stop, but then things escalated. He started calling her “cunt” and wrote “better watch yourself”. My eyes widened, and I looked up at her in alarm.

“That’s a straight up threat. You should report that to the police.”

“Oh, I did. Showed them my phone and everything. They said they’re looking into the matter, but that’s not all. He also texted Ryan.”

I looked over to where Ryan was puffing on the joint, still typing away at the computer. He was frowning like he was in pain, like he was holding something back, and when I asked him what Snapper said he just shook his head like he couldn’t even acknowledge it without blowing over. Kate walked over and picked up his phone, showed it to me.

Nice grandma you got there. Does she need help with sweeping?

I was confused. “What does that mean? I don’t get it.”

“Ryan’s grandma was sweeping outside earlier today. This fucker was outside our house, watching us. Like he literally came over here.”

“He’s lucky I didn’t see him,” said Ryan. “I would have disemboweled him on the spot, decapitated him with a butter knife and fucked the bloody neck hole. That piece of human excrement threatened an old fucking woman. That shit doesn’t fly in Nelson.”

“Snapper’s done,” Kate concluded.

“I always heard he was a piece of shit, mostly from Blayne. But he gets away with a lot because he’s related to Niles.”

Ryan scoffed. “He’s not untouchable. The guy has no idea how easily he could be disappeared. Call up a couple of my friends, get some black masks and it’s bye-bye time.”

“Plus he’s got his trial coming up.”

I was holding in a big toke, and released it. “Trial, for what?”

“Blayne didn’t tell you? He’s going on trial for rape. Remember that girl Marijke? That one you met last Halloween? She’s taking him to court for full-out sexual assault.”

“Holy shit.”

Kate continued rolling, laughing to herself. “I can’t wait til that asshole is in jail. He’s been getting away with this shit for too long. I mean, good for Marijke fucking holding him accountable like that because I guarantee you she’s not the first. He’s always perving on the young chicks, cruising around. I think one of his girlfriends was even underage.”

We chatted for another half an hour, eventually playing some YouTube videos and moving on to other subjects. We smoked a second joint together, then Kate brought us bowls of corn chips. Ryan was finally acting relaxed again, getting caught up in discussing fictional characters and comparing favourite movies. Eventually I stood up to head home, but before leaving I stopped in the doorway. The news about Snapper had jarred me a little bit, and I was picturing all the times he’d been in close proximity to Paisley. I knew he was a shady character, but rape was next level.

“Hey Ryan, you know that posse you mentioned? The black masks and everything?” I asked, standing in the doorway. He looked up and shrugged, a questioning look on his face.

“Count me in.”

The Kootenay Goon