#'hey K maybe you could stop with all this anxious theorizing when the reality is that you're so goddamn far off from even the possibility

[aeide-thea]

sux that every layer of identity realization/reframing seems to come with its own new set of worries wrt Being Creepy

like, back when baby K thought they were a straight girl (or, okay, i absolutely never actively thought that, but before i'd explicitly questioned it, i guess) there was always this sense of, 'too bad i'm such a cow that beautiful boys would probably be grossed out by my being attracted to them'

and then when i realized i was into women too i started worrying abt how predatory that was and feeling self-conscious abt, like, leaving affirming commentary on mutuals' selfies bc if it wasn't safely 100% platonic i was probably being Bad and Creepy

and now that i'm, like, not a boy exactly (or man, i guess i should say at this point), but anyway realizing that my mlm feelings aren't as wholly disconnected from my own identity as i always figured they were, there's a whole new flavor of, like, worry about creeping out gay men by being attracted to them while inhabiting this offputting womanbody and, like, conceptually inflicting it on them by involving them in my fantasies, i don't know, it's hard to articulate but it's a real new anxiety that feels like shit lmao

[although like, i say 'new' but it kind of ultimately is just another iteration of the original 'too bad i'm such a cow that beautiful boys would probably be grossed out by my being attracted to them' feeling i started with, isn't it? we shall not cease from self-exploration and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the trauma for the first time, etc etc]

like i basically only feel i have the 'right' to be on the masc end of the wlw side of queerness which is unfortunate bc it's not really where my head is at lately... probably the *actual* answer is just to find a whole bunch of nb/bpq ppl and plop myself down in the fluidity of that sandbox where none of these demarcations matter but for a number of reasons that doesn't seem especially likely anytime soon