#'cause I just finished making it like 20min ago | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

toomuchtv95 · 5 years ago

Text

My Savior Part 8

Characters: Jay Halstead x Reader,

Word Count: 3.1k+

Chapter Warnings: Child Birth (Nothing Graphic), Swearing, Fluff, SMUT

A/N: Okay I have no idea if this how child birth really goes. I tried to do research but of course I kept getting mixed answers. So I’m sorry if that not how it happens. I have never had a child or be in labor.

So this is the end of this series. I enjoyed writing and I hope you guys enjoyed read it. Now I do have a Quarantine Update post that you should check out to see what’s next for me and my writing. (Hint: it may involve a new series in...)

Series MasterList

You were in the kitchen brewing coffee and making breakfast for Jay while he was in the shower. Being 8 and a half months pregnant, you were due in the next few weeks and you a nervous wreck. Even though you nervous, you were ready to meet your daughter and become a mother. Jay was working half days until the baby was born and then Voight gave him two weeks off to help you out. You have been up since the crack of dawn because you are up every half hour peeing and with your daughter kicking constantly you just couldn’t sleep. So, you snuck out of bed before Jay and headed into the nursery to finish packing your hospital bag. Then once you finished that you headed into the kitchen to cook breakfast.

You stood at the kitchen sink cleaning the dishes when a pair of arms wrapped your shoulders. “Morning beautiful.”

“Morning handsome.” You wiped your hands on the towel before reaching up and covering your hand over his. “I made you breakfast.” Jay kissed the side of your head before releasing his hold on you.

“That’s why I love you.” Jay reached up in the cupboard to grab a mug for his coffee.

“Oh, that’s why you love me?” You turned towards Jay as you grabbed a plate from the same cupboard. “Not the fact that I’m carrying your daughter or any of the other stuff you said in your vows.” You plated Jay’s breakfast as he sat at the counter sipping his coffee.

You walked to the side of the counter, placing Jay's plate in front of him just as you were about to walk back to the stove Jay grabbed your arm pulling back towards him. "I guess I love you for those reasons too," Jay spoke low as he leaned in to kiss you. You reached up to cup his face as you deepened the kiss. “I love both you and our daughter.” Jay pulled away and pushed a strain of hair of your face before leaning down and kissing your stomach.

“Okay good just making sure.” You chuckled as you kissed the top of his head before pulling away. “Well, I’m going to hop in the shower. Be safe out there today.”

“Always am.” Jay pecked your lips once more as you walk away. “Love you.”

“Love you back!” You called back as you walked up the stair to the second floor.

“Y/N? What are you doing here? Is everything okay?” Will approached you as you move towards the nurse’s station caring for your hospital bag.

“I’ve been having contractions since last night. They start as irregular but since this morning they are about 20mins apart and last about a minute. My water hasn’t broken get but I thought I come here and just in case I can’t get a hold of Jay later and I refuse to call for an ambulance.”

“Woah what do you mean? Where is Jay?” Will motioned for the nurse to bring a wheelchair over to the two of you.

“I don’t know. I called him but he didn’t answer. I just assumed he was in the middle of an interrogation or something.” You held your stomach as Will helped you into the wheelchair. “I mean he’s got a little time before the baby comes.”

“Okay. Let’s get you upstairs and settled. And Maggie keep calling Jay and make sure he gets his ass down here.” Will ordered Maggie who was standing behind the nurse’s station. “Everything is going to be fine.” Will patted your shoulder before pushing you towards the elevator.

Once you got settled upstairs in a room, your doctor came in to go over everything and to check for dilation. You were only about 2 centimetres dilated which means you were going to be here a while. Will returned to the room with a concerned expression on his face. “What’s wrong?” You adjusted yourself on the bed carefully not wanting to pull out your IV from your hand.

“Okay, no need to panic. But I wasn’t able to get a hold of Jay but-”

“Are you kidding me?! His wife is in labor and you can’t get a hold of him!” Anger boiled underneath your skin. This isn’t happening. Jay can not miss the birth of your daughter.

“Okay. Listen to me.” Will walked over to the edge of the bed. “I called the district and I talk to Trudy. She then got in touch with Hank. They are out in the field and Hank is took care of it. He’s on his way.” You sighed in relief. You knew Jay would never miss this because if he did, he would never forgive himself. “But until he gets here, I am here for you.”

“Okay good cause I need you right now.” You reached out for his hand which he lent.

“Contraction?” Nodding your head, you squeezed his hand tight as the contraction passed. God did you wish Jay were here instead of Will, not that you were thankful for Will, but you wanted your husband.

"Okay, I lied. I thought I could do this naturally. But I want the epidural." You held on to Will's hand practically begging.

“Okay, I will go talk to the doctor." Will lets go of your hand to go find the doctor. You let out a huff as you laid back on the bed. After Will talked to your doctor, he returned and told you that the anesthesiologist will be in a soon as he could. “You wanna go for a walk while we wait for Jay?” You nodded your head as he helped you off the bed. You wrapped your one arm around Will’s upper arm and leaned against him for support while your other hand wrapped around the IV pole.

“You know this morning I was hoping it was just Braxton Hicks since I’ve been having them the last couple of weeks. But as they started to get consistent, I knew it was happening and it’s surreal.” You and Will slowly started making a lap around the floor. “I’m scared.”

“You are going to be a great mother. You and Jay are going to fantastic parents. All first-time mothers are scared it’s perfectly normal.” Will kissed the top of your head as you rounded the corner. “And I think my job here is done.”

You looked up from your feet to see Jay rushing in with his vest still on. Jay rushed over to the two of you. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t expect to be out in the field today.”

“It’s okay. You’re here now.” Jay unclipped his vest which Will took and left the two of you. “I asked for the epidural. I know I said I wanted to do this naturally, but if the pain is bad now it's only going to get worse." You wrapped your arm around Jay’s for support as you leaned into him.

“I told you. I will support whatever you decided.” Jay kissed the top of your head. “Now tell me everything I missed.”

“Well, my contractions are about 20mins apart and are about a minute long.” The two of you walked down the hall back to your room. Once the two of you walked into your room, you stopped when you felt a warm liquid trickled down your leg. “And my water just broke now.”

“Okay. I’ll go get the doctor.” Jay slowly helped you to the bed and was about to walk away when you grabbed his arm.

“Wait I’m having a contraction.” The pain has increased since the last contraction which means you are getting farther along.

"Okay, I'm right here." You leaned forward into his chest as he rubbed your back. "Just breathe. Just like we talked."

You were holding your daughter who was born less than an hour ago and you never wanted to let her go. After 16hrs of labor, she was finally here, and you didn’t have words to express what you were feeling. Jay had stepped out to make some calls, probably to let the team know, and when he returned, he wasn’t alone. “Someone wants to meet their niece.”

“I would have come sooner, but I wanted to give you guys time.” Will walked over to you before slowly taking her out of your arms. Jay sat back down next to you on the bed and you instantly laid your head on his shoulder. “Well does she have a name yet or I’m just going to call her ‘she’.”

"Riley Patricia Halstead," Jay spoke up from behind you causing Will to look at you two surprised. Both you and Jay decided to name your daughter after the brother’s dad. When the two of you were picking out names, you had brought it up to Jay and after losing his father last year, the two of you agreed that it was a name you wanted to use.

“You named her after dad.” Will smiled down at his niece as he light rocked her back and forth. “He would have loved it. Even though you wouldn’t have shown or expressed it." Both Will and Jay chuckled as Jay rubbed your back.

“We have something to ask you.” You spoke up as Will gently laid Riley in the bassinet that stood next to the bed. “We want to know if you would be Riley’s godfather.”

“Are you kidding me? I would be honored.” Will hugged both you and Jay before leaning down to kiss Riley’s forehead. “I’ll let you two rest. I’ll be back later.” Will waved goodbye to the two of you before leaving.

"Well, we did it," Jay muttered against your hair as you laid your head on his chest.

"Yeah, we did." You lifted your head off his chest before leaning over and kiss him. “3 years ago, I never thought that this would be possible. If it wasn’t for you coming to the bar to question me. We probably wouldn’t be where we are now.” Jay reached up to cup your face and connected his lips to yours. The moment ended when your daughter started to cry from the bassinet causing both you and Jay to pull away.

The next day

"Home sweet home." You were released from the hospital an hour ago and would have been home 20mins ago, but Jay drove 5miles an hour.

“I am so happy to be home.” You slowly walked into the living with Jay behind you carrying the car seat in one hand and the diaper bag in the other. The two of you made your way over to the couch, Jay set both the car seat and diaper bag on the floor, then turned to face you. You grabbed Jay’s hand as he slowly lowered you on the couch.

“You okay?” When people said childbirth was painful, they weren't kidding, especially after birth. Your body just went through 16hrs of labor and your body was sore and tender.

“I’m okay. Just sore.” Jay helped you adjusted the pillows so that you were comfortable since you didn’t plan on leaving the couch for a while.

“Can I get you anything?” Jay stripped out of his jacket before, tossing it on the back of the couch.

“Help me get my off hoodie so I can hold her.” As you unzipped your hoodie, Jay grabbed the sleeve and helped you out of your hoodie. “I love you.”

“I love you back.” Jay smiled at you before crouching down and taking Riley out of her car seat before standing back up handing her to you. As you rested Riley on your chest you gently rubbed her back.

3 months later

This was your first week back to work and you were exhausted. You were thrilled to go back to work and out of the house a few times a week. You decided to go back as part-time until you were ready to go back to full time. Arriving home after a long day at work, you kicked off your shoes, set your bag on the table by the door, and hung your coat up on the coat rack. As you threw your hair in a messy bun, you rounded the counter to see Jay on the floor changing Riley's into her PJs. A smile spread across your face as you leaned over the back of the couch and watched Jay.

“Your one hot dad.” You teased at him as he finished changing Riley. You pushed yourself away from the couch and stood in front of Jay.

“Oh yeah? You wouldn’t be lying to me, would you?” Jay teased back as he picked up Riley. Sitting on the floor next to him, you kissed Riley on the head, before leaning over and kissing Jay with lust.

“Does that answer your question?” You smirked at him. Since Riley's been born, you and Jay have been having a little hard time finding time for intimacy, not that you two haven’t tried. Every time the two of you tried, either her has gotten called away for work, or Riley woke up from her nap. But the last few nights Riley has been sleeping pretty much through the night and tonight you and Jay are going to have a night together. “I’m going to go upstairs clean up and slip into something more comfortable.” You ghosted his lips as you got on your knees.

“Women you are going to the death of me.” Jay groaned.

“If I were you, I would really hope and pray that your daughter goes down without a fight.” You whispered as you planted a soft kiss on his lips before disappearing.

As you walked into your bedroom, you stripped out of your scrubs and headed into the bathroom. Turning on the water in the shower to let it warm-up as you headed into the closet and grabbed the Victoria Secret bag that you hid behind your clothes. You adjusted your bun on the top of your head before stripping out of the rest of your clothes before hopping in the shower. After getting out of the shower, you wrapped yourself in a towel and wiped the fog away from the mirror. After applying lotion on your freshly shaved legs, you put on the new matching bra and pantie set that you had picked up last week, and then applied some lip gloss. You put on your slick robe that hung on the back the door before exited the room.

“Okay she is down for the night and if we want to keep it that way, we better keep it quiet.” Jay closed the door behind him just as you walk out of the bathroom. “Please tell me that you aren’t wearing anything underneath that.”

“Why don’t you come over here and-” He silenced you with a kiss, molding his lips fiercely to yours, licking at the seam of your mouth you instantly for him just like you always do. He pulled you close, so there was no space between the two of you. Sliding his hand away from your face down the length of your body until they stopped at the belt of your robe. Slowly untying your belt, his lips never leaving yours, and when he depended the kiss a moan rippled through your throat.

“Your beautiful, you know that?” Jay slide the robe down your arms and fully removing the robe. You were far from the body you use to be before giving birth, but Jay could care less about what you looked like. He loved you for who you were inside and out.

“I love you.” You whispered as you cupped his face and connected your lips to his. Jay slowly walked you back towards the bed stopping right at the foot. His lips traveled from your lips to your jawline, then moving to the spot that connects your shoulder and neck. Jay’s hand traveled up your back and unclasp your bra then discarding on the floor.

With one swift movement, your back hit the bed, and Jay was on top of you. He slid his hands down your body coming to a stop at your hips and slowly inched down your panties until you were completely naked. You reached for the hem of his shirt needing him to get naked right this moment. Once you helped him discard his shirt on the floor, you reached from his belt and quickly worked on removing both his jeans and boxers in one movement. “Someone’s eager.” Jay chuckled as he hovered back over you.

“Maybe it’s because we haven’t had any sex since before your daughter was born.” You wrapped your arms around his shoulders as you pulled him closer to you. “Now you can keep talking or-” without letting you finish, Jay thrusted forward causing you to let out a moan. You arched your back upwards, taking more of him inside of you.

“You were saying?” Jay smirked down at you before leaned down and kissing you.

You instantly wrapped your legs around his waist as he withdrawal slightly before thrusting again. “Absolutely nothing.” You unwrapped your arms from his shoulders and grabbed hold of his face and stroked his cheekbones. He began to thrust harder and faster, his hips slapping against your ass as he reached maximum depth. You shout his name as another orgasm rips through you. You let out a quiet scream, as waves of pleasure rock you. Once his crock stopped pulsing, he clasped onto you, while the two of you panted. He slowly withdrew from you and tumble onto the bed next to you.

As he climbed out of bed, you smiled as you watch him disappear into the bathroom only to appear a moment later with a washcloth. “Have I told you how beautiful you look?”

“Only a handful of times.” You smiled up at him as he cleaned the two of you up. Once he finished cleaning you, he discarded the washcloth in the bathroom before returning. After he emerged from the bathroom, you extended your arms and without hesitation, he climbed on top of you placing a soft kiss on your lips.

“Your okay right?” Jay pulled away before collapsing on the bed next to you pulling you into his side.

“I’m good. I promise. Pretty sure I’ll be sore in the morning though.” You let out a chuckle knowing he was only asking because it’s been months and then with giving birth your body went through a lot.

“I love you.” Jay stroked your hair while you rested your head on his chest.

“I love you back.”

Tag List: @nervousmemzie @hehurst23 @anamile6878 @esauthor @stephmazz1990 @daenerys-targaryes @bellageorge03 @haileymatthewss @useyourmarners @get0verit @yienell-mariee @olihju @lovelydivs @stuffedcabbagepatch @chrisrandumness @shipatheart @jocelyn1718 @shadyfox242 @boo20-05 @beachfan412 @mheart27 @supyfish @aparkel @httphiddlestan @haleyjs86 @onechicago18 @ladyate @whatisanniedoin @citylightsla @thevelvetseries @wemma554 @samiam9525 @detectiveinchicago @tyzerman91 @foulstatesmandragonbear @spiridakos-wp @katie1996 @glittermakesmesmile @itsdesiree86 @chloebear26 @delcateswift @rosemusic18 @transparentwombathorsedreamer @detective29 @cjhorseback @sgtsophie @onechicagofan20 @katiehud @corie-the-writer @give-jack-a-lightsaber @yzas-stuff @zizzlekwum

#Jay Halstead #Jay Halstead x Reader #jay halstead imagine #Chicago PD #Chicago PD Imagine #Chicago PD x Reader

189 notes · View notes

magistralucis · 6 years ago

Text

Ed Banger House Party @ Electric Brixton, 25 Jan 2019 [Review]

😍 Fucking fantastic you funky little Frenchmen... 😍

This was a very wild night. I can’t quite believe I survived it, even as I finish off writing thousands of words about it. It’s probably the most detailed review of a concert or show I have done to this date. I finally saw Sebastian in the flesh, was treated to over eight hours of sweet sweet music, and feel that I have begun my Ed Banger-related pursuits for this year in the perfect way.

And the loot. The sweet, sweet loot.

Read on for more. Mobile users, be warned this is a very long post.

The Journey

If you’ve read my other gig reviews you know the drill: I don’t live in London, have to commute there from wherever I’m living at the moment, London is difficult to navigate. But I had no trouble with my journeys this time, there were no Underground closures, and this venue was exactly the same one as the TBB show two years ago. Nothing to report there, only that I give props to our driver. There was an accident on the motorway, about 25 mins into a 2hr 20min journey. He took us on a thirty-mile detour to avoid the scene of the crash and still got us to London in time. If you’ve ever been on a National Express coach, you know what a big deal that is.

That wasn’t the only accident we stumbled upon in our journey, somewhere in Croydon (part of Outer London for non-UK readers) there was an altercation between two drivers and something like thirty police officers were present. It is rare to see that many police officers on scene for a single collision, so I wonder whether something more sinister was going on. All of them were wearing fluorescent vests and they reflected the light of the traffic most gloriously for a ten-meter stretch of the pavement. It was very attention-catching. I like to think they shared the same general sentiment of (o_o ) when they looked over and saw an entire busful of people goggling at them, but that’s neither here nor there. It was around 8:30PM when I got to London, and I spent some time lingering in the train station before making my way to Brixton.

I like queuing up early. I had no idea what I was going to find there.

9:20~PM: If you follow Thibaut on insta you might have seen this.

This instastory. It’s not obvious, but these three were far from the only ones in this picture. I know this because I FUCKING WALKED IN ON THIS PHOTOSHOOT. THESE THREE WERE NOT THE ONLY PEOPLE THERE. THIS WAS A VIP GROUP SHOT SESSION WITH 25+ PEOPLE OUTSIDE ELECTRIC BRIXTON AND I NEARLY BARGED IN AMONGST THEM LIKE A MOTHERFUCKING IDIOT

I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to! ;A ;

I’ve met my favourite bands spontaneously. Gone for signings. Received compliments from Rammstein. I’ve shaken hands with Xavier. But I’ve never just happened upon an entire group of my favourite people engaged in a situation not meant for ordinary fans. I was honestly more terrified than elated. I knew they were VIPs because they (all DJs included) had blue wristbands on which allowed continued re-entry into the club, instead of the usual red club stamp on the back of the hand. Later in the show I recognized two of those people as stage photographers. Pedro was closest to me, Irfane passed by (he had very vivid eyes, even under poor lighting), and around the right-hand side Thibaut was putting his arm around Sebastian. I may have seen Vladimir Cauchemar unmasked. Shit was surreal.

This could potentially have been a good place to greet Sebastian zdravo. Unfortunately there’s a time and place for such things, and a VIP photo session I wasn’t involved in was not one of them. (Electric Brixton isn’t known for facilitating after-show fan meets either, due to the club’s structure and how everyone has to be herded out at the end.) Even if it were just the Ed Banger folks milling around, I'm not sure if I’d have been able to approach them in this case. ‘Cause ultimately, I am just an Animal Experiencing Fear, and I was caught so off guard; I stepped back and pretended I had nothing to do with the area. At least that way I could gather my thoughts and continue to observe.

I can tell you this entire moment took five minutes from 9:23pm to 9:28pm, but only because I checked my phone later. I didn’t want to take it out in the moment because I got paranoid they’d think I was a creep. As the phones and cameras were put away and normal conversation resumed I looked up and saw Sebastian five steps in front of me.

You know that recent Seb + Vinco picture. Hang on I’ll find it. You know the look Seb has in that pic?

That. That is his actual gaze. That is what Seb actually looks like when he has nothing to pose for and nobody to speak to. Unless something mind-boggling was happening in the empty space several feet away from where I was standing, that’s his normal nothing-to-see-here expression. At one point we met eyes. I think he blinked like once. You can’t tell his eyes are blue even from a short distance. He looked down, exhaled vape smoke, and bit his lip. Then someone (Myd?) ushered him into the open doors. And that’s how I accidentally stumbled upon the Forbidden Ed Banger Content, and while I was excited at what I saw, I think I’d prefer a do-over in the future. When they’re not all engaged in other business, when I have a pen and an adequate surface, and when I am not a fool with poor timing.

Also Sebastian was not as tall as I thought he was, but also far from short; Irfane was taller than I thought, but visibly shorter than Thibaut; Thibaut was taller than I thought, but no match for Pedro, whose height continues to boggle my mind. I have seen all of those people before, save for Sebastian. Pedro I have seen multiple times, with multiple people, in multiple contexts. Yet I still have no grasp of how tall anybody is in this label.

I don’t know what that implies about my visualization skills. At this point, I’m too scared to find out.

9:33PM: I’m going with this timestamp because that’s when I noted down that security cleared out completely with the VIPs, closing the front doors behind them. A girl comes up near me and stares at the venue, the ‘Ed Banger Records’ written in lights, then at the queue barriers (not open) for some time before turning to me. There were maybe five people altogether waiting.

Girl: Excuse me, is this the queue for people with tickets?

Me: I don’t know. We might be queuing to find out where the queue is.

Girl: [To a freshly emerged security guard, holding a sandwich.] Excuse me, do you know if there’ll be tickets at the door?

Security guard: [Incomprehensible - he’s speaking at close distance and a bus is freshly pulling up behind me, so I can’t hear them. He goes inside and shuts the door as soon as he says his piece.]

Girl: He doesn’t know. What am I going to tell my friends.

Me: Oh my God did you not get tickets.

Girl: My friends did! I was meant to get in early and get the drinks and stuff oh my God I DIDN’T KNOW THEY WERE GOING TO BE SOLD OUT 😰

Me: DIDN’T THEY SAY THERE WOULD BE A LIMITED RELEASE THOUGH 😰

By this time we’re both mired in anxiety.txt and others were coming forwards with the same experience. A group of three girls who got there shortly after me were all waiting for door tickets, and a guy came along who had a ticket for himself but was trying to get his friend (Asian girl, very pretty) in. (I will see this friend repeatedly throughout the show, but not the dude.) Eventually we looked up what the Electric Brixton website had to say, and gathered that a very limited number of tickets were available and they were all here at the right time to purchase it. As far as I know, everyone there got in without trouble.

First release tickets were £15.00. Later I was told it was £25.00 at the door.

Yeesh.

9:50PM: They finally open up the queue barriers. I’m fourth. Several of us in the line take a poll on who we’re here to see:

Pedro: ///

Breakbot: //

Sebastian: ////

Riton: /

Vladimir:

Myd: /

‘Everyone’: //

‘I’m here because of my friends’: /

The girl in the above section answered with the last one. Ed Banger rookie. Writing this now, I’m sure she had the time of her life.

I say Sebastian. Two guys in front of me nod sagely. One of them wears a Woman Worldwide T-shirt and a Justice logo jacket. We mutually express wonder that Seb’s, like. Doing anything again. At this point, however, the queue is split into two: ticketed and buying at the door, on the opposite end of the entrance. The girl and I say farewells as she departs for the latter. Unfortunately, I do not get to see her again. It’s a shame. She was lovely.

9:55PM: Security emerges with QR code readers and club stamps and starts to call us in go go go go go go go go

9:58~PM: The bouncer initiating pat down pauses over my portable battery for a very long time, seemingly considering whether that’s legal. Fuck my life. Eventually, though, he lets me in and I s p r i n t for the bar.

It has begun.

A note before I start: like the XOYO gig review last year, this review has been composed via rough notes, photos, and videos I took through the show. It was a longer night than last year, and everyone played for a lengthy period of time; this review is thus split into six sections, one for each DJ, including timestamped observations and photos/gifs of the night.

The gifs are taken from my own videos. Unfortunately, Electric Brixton’s setup made photography difficult for three reasons: 1) an abundance of flashing lights, 2) the elevation difference between the dancefloor and the DJ booth, unlike in XOYO where there was no audience-DJ divide, and 3) smoke machines, as well as actual vapers in the form of Sebastian Akchoté. Those three things make a mess onscreen, so images are potato quality compared to where I was (front center). This was a constant problem during the night, so instead of complaining about it with every DJ, I’ll just refer to this as the I Cannot See For Shit (ICSFS) syndrome and call it a day.

Busy P (10PM to 11:50~PM)

10PM: Mother fucking sons of bitches raised the price of water!

As mentioned in the TBB review, a 500ml bottle of water at Electric Brixton was £3.00 in 2017. (Even in 2019, at a supermarket it can be as little as 55p/500ml.) Harsh, but it is what you’d expect from London. But when I came back they’d raised it to a whopping £3.60. You could buy yourself a meal with that kind of money, albeit a small one, even for London. Disgusting.

But what can you do with something as necessary as water. I did expect it. I’m sore about it, is all.

10:05PM: Restroom visited, water bought and tucked into bag, jacket tied around waist. I was wearing armwarmers. I take my place by the barriers, front row center, with a guy on my left and an empty space on my right. Left-hand arrangement will not change during the night, while on the right it will be chaos.

10:10PM: Very superstitious / nothin' more to say / very superstitious / the devil's on his way / thirteen month old baby / broke the lookin' glass / seven years of bad luck / good things in your past

This is my first video of the night. Might upload it later.

10:21PM: USE IMAGINATION 💫 AS A DESTINATION 💘 USE IMAGINATION 💫 AS A DESTINATIoOoON 💘 USE IMAGINATION AND COME CLooOoOSER 👄✨ 👄 FOREVER BEEEEE 😘 😘💋

‘Pleasure’ summons the two dudes I was talking to in the queue to my right, especially the Justice fan guy. They stuck with me through Pedro’s set.

10:30~PM: Pedro looks a lot happier than he did at XOYO last year. He’s interacting a lot with fans, smiling, bopping about the way we have all come to expect from him.

10:40PM: I see the first glimpse of another DJ hanging around at the back. It’s Myd, drinking in a corner.

10:50PM: Is that what I think it is. I think it’s what I think it is

10:51PM: POP THE GLOCK THE GLOCK YOU POP IF YOU OUTTA LINE IT’S YOU I’LL BANG POP POP THE GLOCK THE GLOCK YOU POP IF YOU OUTTA LINE IT’S YOU I’LL BANG POP

Fantastic to hear some Uffie in the mix. I missed her so damn much. I think I might upload that clip as well because I want to share the experience with y’alls.

10:54PM: Thibaut jitterbugs into the scene. The lighting’s too bad for a photo so I post about it on the hellsite instead.

11:19PM: The display in front of the DJ booth has remained constant until this point, displaying the Ed Banger logo with only the occasional change in lighting. But now the display suddenly starts changing. Check it out.

It got really trippy with Breakbot.

11:29PM: ‘Genie’ comes on. I can see Thibaut and Irfane at the back now, ready to take over. I take my first drink since I entered the club.

11:52PM: HE PUT ON ‘BURNIN’. HE ACTUALLY DID THAT.

Pedro picks up the mic at this point and greets us for the first time during the night. I have what he said on video but it’s hard for me to transcribe it over all the audience noise, it might have to be an upload later on; I have videos of most DJ-DJ segues of this night, so hopefully that should be an interesting exercise. According to the timestamp on this video, 11:52-53PM is when Thibaut put on the headphones and took over from Pedro, but he continues to linger

11:55PM:

just so he can cOMPLETELY LOSE HIS SHIT APPARENTLY.

Breakbot (Thibaut and Irfane) (11:50~PM to 1:30AM)

12:00AM: At midnight Thibaut and Irfane take over fully with ‘Break of Dawn’. There’s something wild about listening to people sing a song with no lyrics (da DA DA DA darararaRA).

12:05AM: Irfane was on serious mode all night. I’ve also realized that the light situation is not going to get better; if it was Pedro alone I could have forgotten about it, but Breakbot’s set was where the ICSFS got really, really bad. There are so many photos where I tried to capture beautiful moments between Thibaut and Irfane, as they were quite touchy with one another (not as much as they were at XOYO tho), and yet it all turned to shit. I’m so sad.

12:10~AM: The two dudes to the right of me leave. The music is most funky fresh and the smoke machines are on max, so much I cannot actually see either of the DJs on scene. A girl wearing light blue takes over to my right.

I think Electric Brixton has reached full capacity. It’s not a big venue, fitting only about 2000 people or so, but I can feel it in the air. I look behind me and all around me are unfamiliar faces, packed tightly in a crowd. It’s hot. I take off my armwarmers and cram them into my bag.

12:16AM: Irfane baby I love you but that was not a smooth segue.

(I don’t actually know what song he was on but the music like. Stopped 100% for a second. It didn’t sound intentional.)

12:25AM: I have a note on my phone that says ‘12:25 Pedro making heart’. I have no memory of this. Fangirl magistralucis what are your secrets.

12:30AM: you 😍💖 are all I think about 😍✨😍✨😍 keep me sulking and down 😘👇🏼 but you fill me with 🔥 so much 🔥 emotion 😳💖😳 and I’ll show my 🙏🏼🕊💐 devotion 💐🕊🙏🏼 to you ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

12:31AM: I cannot see for shit. Here have a light show I guess.

12:36AM: Dance, dance with me / Life's a fantasy / Stand next to me / Like ecstasy

12:48AM: Irfane puts on ‘Funkytown’. Thibaut dances beautifully. I’ll drink to that.

12:51AM:

What the hell is this?

1:07AM: Extra, extra, read all about it! The Mysterious Ninth Planet, located at last! Turns out it was in the hands of funky Frenchmen all along, who were hoarding not just the ninth planet, but ALL THE PLANETS

1:08AM: You may have seen what was happening during the above in Irfane’s instastory, actually. He put on ‘Le Freak’. I wonder whether I should upload this clip from where I was.

1:10AM:

?????

1:20AM: Pedro comes back into view. I try to film him but it doesn’t work out, and for once it had nothing to do with ICSFS. The girl to the right of me, who was rocking out for all of Breakbot’s set, is beginning to slump over on the railing. "Are you okay?” I call, but I don’t think she heard. From how rapidly it came on, how she could barely stand during the first five minutes of VC’s set, and how frantically her and her friends left afterwards (she could barely walk), it is quite possible she was going into diabetic shock. She did not return.

This is a known issue. You generally cannot bring food into London clubs, even if you’re diabetic. Electric Brixton had a complaint two years ago that a diabetic person was not permitted to bring in their food to prevent this exact thing happening. I hope whatever she had wasn’t that serious, but. I do wonder.

This leads to a note about security, I suppose. There were none up front by the barriers. There was no one to call for help to, except for maybe the stage photographers, and that’s not what they’re trained to do. People who were falling sick or too inebriated to stand would have benefited from having security help them beyond the barrier straight away, instead of having to wade their way back through a tight crowd.

This continued to be a problem.

1:20~AM: Vladimir Cauchemar is visible. He doesn’t have the skull mask on, but with something smooth concealing his face, kind of like the Taikobots of Danger’s Taiko-era set. When he takes over he has put the mask on.

Vladimir Cauchemar (1:30AM to 2:30AM)

1:30AM: I gotta say, VC was the easiest and the best to photograph in this show, and I both respect and resent that fact.

VC’s lighting stayed a consistent red and black through his set, similar to how it was at XOYO, and the clearest images I have of the night are of him. I’m still not over his collab with 6**9*** so my impression of him isn’t out of the woods yet, which is why my notes for him are brief.

I tell you what, though. He got the crowd going. VC was the first DJ to get the dude standing to the left of me dancing, and this is the dude who stayed the entire eight hours of the night by my side while on my right people faded in, faded out, barged into places. (Dude was holding out for Sebastian, but stuck around for all of Myd as well.) His set had serious limitations - the most gregarious sin of which I’ve noted down below - but he had a great stage personality. I have very mixed feelings.

Still didn’t prevent me from standing out certain songs to go on Russian duolingo, but that was my pride.

1:35AM: ‘Aulos’ comes on. I will upload that video because I might as well, I’ve little else videoed for VC. Someone taps my shoulder. It’s the friend of the dude whom I encountered outside, the Asian girl. “Can I put this here?” She calls, and places her coat down beyond the barrier; there are steps on the other side where you can place your drinks, bags, coats etc if you’re front row. She withdraws behind me afterwards, and when I next look back, she’s gone.

1:40AM: I’m honestly surprised how many people are digging VC’s set. He was not first choice for anyone I asked.

1:51AM: Vladimir, Aulos is great but not twice in the same set.

2:00AM: Third drink of the night. My legs are getting numb. The first 3-4 hours of a set are always the hardest. I don’t remember what VC was playing. At several points he played Michael Jackson but I have no record of when. I stood still to rest my legs and distracted myself with other pursuits.

2:18AM:

Hi I’m in this photo and I don’t like it.

2:26AM: VLADIMIR. AULOS IS GREAT, BUT NOT THRICE IN THE SAME SET.

This. This is the major problem with his set. I know it’s his biggest hit, but VC exploits ‘Aulos’ way too much, and from what I hear he essentially does this for every set he plays. Would it injure him to play a different song every now and then. Seriously. There are so many excellent songs in the world, and some of them might even be ones he’ll drop in the future. Why stick to ‘Aulos’ alone. I don’t get it.

2:26~AM: As I was noting down the third instance of ‘Aulos’, the girl who put her coat down returned. “Can I have my coat back?” She calls over the sound, and I peer over. I can’t see the coat. The red spotlight passes over the floor; the coat’s rolled off the steps and is now lying on the ground.

“I can’t reach it.” I shout. “It’s fallen off.”

“Oh no.” She shouts.

“Can you wait until the segue?”

She shakes her head. “I’ll go over the barrier, but thanks.”

I offer to help her over, but she doesn’t think she'll make it. She ducks out past the crowd and goes around the side instead (no security to stop her), runs over to grab her coat, and then leaves straight away. She’ll be back for Sebastian’s set, but now it’s Riton time.

Riton (2:30AM to 3:30AM)

I didn’t enjoy Riton’s set very much. This had 0% to do with his music and everything to do with the chaos on my right-hand side, which made it worse. If it was the artist that was bad you chalk it up to a mismatch in interests, but knowing other concertgoers unilaterally deprived you of a good experience is a unique level of terrible. There are no timestamps for this section because I was too busy keeping an eye on my surroundings to take notes; he was also afflicted with the ICSFS, which didn’t help, but it’s a darn shame how much I missed out.

Oh and that too. That was his light show. Riton was a special guest and his name/logo was the dominant display for the entirety of his set. But I’m not here to talk about that. I’m here to talk about the chip on my shoulder.

Here’s the thing. I attend most of the gigs I go to by myself. I prefer it that way because I get anxious when things go wrong. I have a very specific set of items I bring with me to concerts, and practice very meticulous timekeeping. One of the rules I observe during gigs is that I do not move from my position: I prefer front centre or front centre-right generally, but wherever it is, I stay put.

I am not a tall woman. If I lose my place, it is unlikely I’d get it back. I’m full of anxiety about being at my place, but I’m more anxious to avoid losing it, so I defend it with all my might. I have never lost my place in almost ten years and this show was no exception. But my goodness did the guys to my right push my buttons this time. The guy who was to the right of me for Riton was with a group, all of whom were banging on the barriers and creating a ruckus. Just my luck he was the only one who seemed actually inebriated. He kept putting his head down on the railing, slumped over for minutes at a time, before suddenly raving and flailing around whenever Riton dropped a beat. He had no consideration for whoever he was accidentally knocking about (i.e. me) during this. And as I said, there was no security up front, so I was on my own.

At first I had some sympathy, because I still wasn’t over the girl who left earlier. I’ve never seen people who were inebriated/high during shows last very long where they were, either. But the fifteenth time dude nearly poked my eye out, it was just too much. I do not like people prodding their way into my personal space. I do not like it, Sam-I-Am.

The last time I had to be vicious with a concertgoer was at TBB, where a ginger-haired girl kept on trying to tear people from their place up front, and eventually was ejected by security after she got into a catfight with another girl next to me. Apparently this time it was my turn to give into Righteously Indignant Bitch Hours and the next time he started flailing his arm into my neck, I grabbed him and slammed his hand onto the railing and shouted “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU.”

I wish I could say this made him stop. However, life is dumb. Dude was too out of it to comprehend his own actions, let alone my complaints. His friends pulled him out of the front row for about five minutes but then he came staggering back, muttering something about his lens cap (?) and if I’d seen it. It wasn’t long before he began to barge into the surrounding people again. Only elbows were the solution; I can barely move my right arm even now, it feels so bruised. I’m not proud of what I did, but I’m not sure what I could have done differently, and I would do the same even now.

But, you know. It could have been worse. If you’ve been front row, you know there’s a difference between those who’re trying to grab a good time and those who act out of malice. The former usually try to sneak a hand in next to yours on the railing, or crash into you from the back, or wedge their way in - but they almost always follow it up with an apology, and they tend to carve out their own little space, not actively steal yours. Yes I’m talking about that ginger-haired girl at the TBB show again. I’ve attended full on firebreathing industrial metal shows at much bigger, suffocating venues, and yet those audiences still managed to avoid being vicious and petty. She was the worst. Holy shit. It’s been two years and I’m still mad. Fucking bitch I hope you step in a puddle. What was I writing about again? Oh yeah the dude. He wasn’t acting out of malice, but out of irresponsibility. And to be honest, his friends weren’t that better, save for a girl who was about five feet eight tall and complimented that I was still standing later in the set: “I had to sit down after Thibaut and you’re still jumping like nothing happened!”

That made me think about my own stamina. I never thought I had much. I’m twenty-five years old. I’m in my prime, but I had more energy when I was eighteen, and I am old enough to keep that in mind. I’m not getting younger. After a show I’m bruised and my muscles ache and I pass out asleep for hours at a time. I’m usually awake for 30hrs~ during those times. I don’t eat or drink much before shows to prevent bathroom breaks. I ate on 3:30pm on the 25th and didn’t touch a single morsel of food again until 7am on the 26th, and even then it was a sandwich. After dancing for eight hours.

It’s been that way for years. But maybe most people? Don’t? Do that? And maybe I am? Actually quite strong? For regularly surviving what I do to myself?

I don’t know. Let’s move onto what I think 70% of you are here to read about.

Sebastian (3:30AM to 4:30AM)

3:30AM: Predictably, Sebastian gets the loudest cheers of the night when he comes on. Riton announces him and passes him the headphones. He still does the hand thing, by the way.

This thing.

3:30~AM: Not an observation of the moment, but of the entire set. Seb played some big name EDM songs and what I believe are versions of his YLS tracks. He was the only set I wanted to record in full, but I wasn’t tall enough and my equipment wasn’t good enough to do so. ICSFS is in play. I sort of hoped he'd stuck with his vicious red lighting from Primary Tour, and he did, but not to a degree where I could get good shots of him.

Is anyone excited for him to drop an album this year or what. Pedro said he would.

3:38AM: Seb also has the dubious honour of being the only DJ who contributed extra to the ICSFS problem. He vapes through the entire set. I have lots of feelings and I don’t know what to do with myself honestly.

3:39AM: Neither do the dudes to my right. They are the friends of the inebriated dude who has since staggered off into the crowd. They are completely losing their shit, screaming and taking their shirts off and kicking at the barriers. They contributed to some of the bruises on my right arm. But they still didn’t take my place so whatever.

3:40~AM: Seb is not a smiler. Photographer comes by and he gives him a single glance before turning back. I don’t know why I’m surprised.

3:43AM: The Asian girl with the coat from earlier comes back. She asks me to deposit a different layer of coat this time over the barrier, and stands behind me. I feel very protected.

3:50~AM: Balm to aid my pain: photographers start coming down from the stage to pass out Ed Banger pins and stickers. The first lot are thrown into the audience, but the second photographer takes the time to give all of us one. This is the first time I’ve scored thrown Ed Banger merch during a set. I usually can’t reach them because I am smol.

I am also bonding with the dude to my left during this time. We collaborate to catch the pins we want and share them out between the two of us. He gets the Ed Banger melody logo pin, and gives me the Ed Banger 15 Ans pin. “Are you sure?” I ask. He smiles and nods. I thank him and hand him a Breakbot sticker, one that’s of his name.

4:06AM: What the fuck the lights are changing

4:06AM: Is that

4:06AM: IT IS

4:07AM: IT’S JUSTICE. IT’S HEAVY METAL. SEB’S PLAYING HEAVY METAL AND HE’S DOING THE HAND THING AND THE LIGHT SHOW’S TRIPPY AS FUCK ALL OF A SUDDEN AND EVERYONE IS SCREAMING AND THE DUDE LEFT OF ME IS DECLARING HIS LOVE FOR SEB IN FRENCH AND I AM SCREAMING OH MY FUCKING GOD

4:09AM: HE SEGUES TO ROLLIN’ AND SCRATCHIN’. HE LITERALLY DID THAT. SEBASTIAN AKCHOTE IS PLAYING ROLLIN’ AND SCRATCHIN’ AND WE’RE ALL GOING BATSHIT INSANE. I’M SORRY FOR THE BAD CAMERA WORK. THIS IS HOW I DIE.

4:15~AM: Myd is finally going back and forth. He will close the night after Sebastian has finished his set. Looking back on the videos of the night, I can’t believe he only played for an hour; it felt a bit longer than that, Sebastian never let up for a single second as long as he was onstage. Not a single minute wasted. And now you’re going to have to excuse me babes because he’s puttING ON STRESS AND WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE AGAIN RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW

4:24AM: AAAAAAAAAAAA

(Seb’s still playing Stress. Looping the chainsaw noises. Steady camera work lmao what steady camera work)

4:30AM: Sebastian hands over the reins to Myd at this point. I do not have a video of this segue because he does not announce the takeover; with one of his inscrutable hand gestures and a proud look, Sebastian takes up a whole bottle of wine and silently walks offstage. Again, I don’t know why I am remotely surprised. That is probably the most Seb thing I have seen Seb do all night, and it was a night extremely full of Seb things.

At this point I stop jotting down notes on my phone. But I’m at about 58% battery and going strong, so I’m still taking photos and videos whenever I can. Myd’s section is reconstructed from these records.

Myd (Round 2) (4:30~AM to 6:00AM)

4:30~AM: Not a specific observation. As mentioned in the Breakbot review of May 2018, I have unfinished business with Myd. Or at least: had. Myd played the closer in XOYO last year, and back then I was weak and I could not stay through his entire set. I swore to myself the next time he returned, and I was able to see him, I would last as long as he was onstage.

And I did. That’s one promise to myself kept, and what I hope was a little justice done for a DJ of Myd’s caliber.

4:35AM: Coat girl taps my shoulder again. “I’m going home. Could you...?” She gestures to the barrier, and I reach down and pull up her coat. It didn’t roll onto the ground this time.

“There you are.” I say. She takes it and gives me a hug. “Have a good night.”

“Have a good night!” Then she’s gone, alongside the exodus of people who are leaving the club. More people stuck around for Myd here than in XOYO. Guy to my left nudges me to look; stickers are coming around again, specifically the ‘Hello My Name Is _______ [Myd]’ one. We each take one.

4:44AM: I’m out of water. Actually I was out of water immediately before Seb finished, because for some reason I thought downing the last of my only means of hydration with over 1h 30mins to go was a sensible thing to do. I regret this decision bitterly, but I’ll probably survive.

4:58AM:

@_@

5:03AM: It is very difficult for me to ID Myd’s tracks. I suspect a lot of them are original or are from his recent release that I haven’t yet listened to. Appropriate to a closer, he takes a very trance-inspired line to his entire set, with lots of repetition and few loud drops; this was the same in XOYO. I wonder what a Myd headliner set must be like.

5:10~AM: The guy to the left of me is struggling. So am I. But further to his left, there is a guy slumped on the rails. His girlfriend is beside him. They’ve been there all night, but they’ve clearly reached their limit. My right hand side keeps refilling and emptying as people step away or leave.

I talk about that other guy because he summons Thibaut to him.

5:28AM: I took several vids of this but this timestamp belongs to the longest. Thibaut comes back with his own phone to film the audience. He winks and shyly gestures all of us to gather our strengths and be more pumped up, and I recall we obliged him because he asked so nicely. He lingered for some time, gazing at us as fondly as we were gazing at him. He then looked at the guy slumped over on the railing and hopped down from the stage, gently patting his shoulder to talk to him.

I didn’t hear any of their conversation, save for Thibaut asking the dude ‘where he was from’. By the way he clasped his hand to his chest several times, though, I’m inclined to think he was really concerned about the guy. They eventually shook hands and Thibaut made as if to hop back onstage. (The photo was taken as he was leaving.)

Except he couldn’t jump that high. He gave us another shy look and braced his foot against the barriers, perching neatly on the stage before clambering up. He stuck around for about five more minutes to check up on the audience.

I love Thibaut so much. He’s so gentle.

5:34~AM: Holy fuck my bag is full of crap. I haven’t organized it in some time. Discarded cups, beer cans etc have accumulated by my feet, and as I kick them away I’m trying to check my loot is in place and I still have my items. I can’t feel my passport and my blood runs cold for a moment. I turn the camera flash on to look.

“Are you looking for something?” The guy to my left asks worriedly.

I feel my passport in my front pocket. False alarm. “Just organizing my bag.”

(I didn’t see any lost foreign ID or driver licenses on the floor this time.)

5:43AM:

Russian duolingo says fuck millennial lives

5:50~AM: The smoke machine is turned off. I still can’t see for shit, though, because the lights flash rapidly between deep blue and violet and Myd’s hidden behind it.

My last video of the night is timestamped 5:55AM. Myd has a most benevolent smile on his face. He knows the night is drawing to a close.

6:00AM: I did it.

We made it.

I have made it through a Myd set fully and have survived the night.

Myd finished exactly at 6am and exited to a crowd of applause. There are calls for an encore, but given that it's... like, literally morning, it’s not realistic to expect him to stay any longer. Security comes by as soon as he exits, and we all leave Electric Brixton behind at last. The sun has not yet risen. I fall in step with the guy next to me.

Guy: Where are you heading to?

Me: Coach. I came up from Brighton.

Guy: From Brighton?! Was that last night or what?

Me: Yep, two hours before the show. I haven’t eaten or slept all night.

Guy: Wow. [Pause.] Though I think that’s the longest I’ve danced in my entire life, too.

Me: You’re not kidding. I really didn’t think I was going to last beyond Sebastian.

I think he was a Londoner. We say farewells in front of the Electric Brixton bus stop, and I leave for the Underground. My legs are numb and I can barely walk, but somehow I stumble past the barriers and sink into the seats of the train. Back at Victoria Train Station I drop in at Sainsburys for a sandwich and two cans of grape soda, and then realizing I need a resealable container to take on the bus, buy a bottle of Pepsi. The grape soda was just because I really love grape soda and I cannot find a place in Brighton that sells any. It was around 8AM when I finally got on the coach back home.

I had not slept for some twenty hours. I continued to not sleep on the bus. I tried very hard to, but I couldn’t, because I was still buzzing from the adrenaline. It wasn’t until I got home, just after 11AM, that I began to feel sleepy for real. Sig. other made me a cup of tea, and I took the interval to admire some cat slippersocks that had arrived for me in the meantime.

LOOK AT IT.

Overall I’d say this was a fantastic night. I have taken care of unfinished business and seen Sebastian in the flesh. I have, however, come away with another unfinished business to replace the deal with Myd - I should seek out Riton again, the next time he comes here, and deliver a full review of what that was like. To think of the Ed Banger crew making their way across Europe in 2019, with new material and a new Sebastian in tow...

😍😍😍

53 notes · View notes

notyobabygirl · 4 years ago

Note

hi bby can you tell me if my bf is a douche bag or just had a bad moment? i spent the night at his house friday night and then we spent all of saturday together and i slept over that night too. we fuck like every time we’re together which is most days haha. so friday our sex was good and normal, but then last night i was riding him, which i rarely do and usually he’ll take control because in his bed it’s like awkward and hard to ride him even when we put pillows under him. so i was riding him and he kinda took control but then i tried the “riding on feet” thing and it worked out a lot better for me to be in control but i felt so weird. so i started giggling and he was like “what?” and i said nothing and i just kept laughing because i felt silly. so he just took me off of him and i thought it was because he came or he was gonna switch positions, but i could tell he was upset but i didn’t know why. then he asked me for a back scratch and i was like “oh did you finish?” and he said “no” and i was like ok? so i like joked around a bit and said “i’d give you a back scratch but you stopped fucking me” and he got mad and said “it wasn’t worth finishing anyway” and i was like wtf? he basically just said i was doing a bad job or that the sex was bad. so i got mad and i was like “wtf is your problem” and he said “you just made fun of me for not finishing. and you were laughing at me earlier like my dick is small or something” like he took the entire situation the wrong way because 1. i was laughing because i felt weird not because him but i didn’t explain why i was laughing and 2. he misheard what i said about him stopping early. so i like explained that he heard me wrong but i could tell he just wasn’t in the mood anymore and i was still mad about what he had said about it not being worth finishing so i said something (i forgot what exactly) like being kinda bitchy and he said “do you smell that in the air?” and he got up and i don’t know what he meant by that like idk if it was supposed to be rude about how my 🐱 smelled but the thing is, we had just showered together 20mins earlier so i definitely didn’t smell down there lol. and then he got back in bed and was like “come snuggle with me” and trying to be sweet but i was still so bothered by what he said early and i was like “nah go snuggle with the wall” and he said “ok fine it’s basically the same thing” like what 😭 i don’t think he meant it as in i’m flat like a wall because i’m not at all, i think he was just saying something dumb as a come back lol. so then we both just went to bed and we woke up this morning and fucked 2 more times and it was sooo good. and then i drove him to work and he could tell something was off with me and he kept asking what was wrong and i said “idk i’m just still weirded out by last night” and he looked at me all sad and like he was gonna say something so i asked him “what?” and he just said “nothing” and that was like 15 seconds before he got out for work. so he knows i’m like upset and weirded out by the things he said last night but he didn’t even talk to me about it. he was being really sweet this morning and things have been great between us. we’re also usually very comfortable with each other because we’ve been dating for a little over a year now. but he’s never said such mean things to me before and idk i know they aren’t like the worst things to say but i was still like wtf? i know he feels like he isn’t good enough for me in bed and he’s been very open about it (even though i think he’s amazing most of the time) so maybe he was just feeling insecure since i was laughing and stuff? idk what do you think? he’s at work rn and we haven’t talked since he got out this morning 2 hours ago. i don’t wanna make a big deal out of this if it’s nothing but i feel so weird about it and i hate this feeling.

I think he really just took you laughing the wrong way. when boys are having sex that is their most vulnerable place. yeah he shouldn't have made the wall comment at all but I think everything said was just taken out of proportion. I think the next time you see him just say sorry and ask if you guys can move on and forget about what happened. because its really not worth getting upset over and causing problems between you guys. I wouldn't just slide it under the rug and pretend it never happened. I would talk about it and say sorry then try and move on!

0 notes

40countdown · 6 years ago

Text

This is it! The Final Episode! The Last Installment! The Swan Song of the Blog! I’m 40 as hell already! (01-14-18)

Original Goals

Looking back at the goals I laid out in the first post for this blog… I didn’t do bad.

Body Goals:

My weight is where is should be.. Weigh in 158.5

The 2 inches off the waist didn’t happen. Ha! The waist is as trashy as it was but probably no worse.. since I never measured with tape I have to judge based on which pants I can or can not button and how uncomfortable it is to put a sock on.. which still tends to fluctuate after a few good or bad weeks.. but I’d say I’m right about where I started.

(this is from today at the gym when I registered for a thing... :D)

The elbow miraculously healed.. the pain is gone but last week I noticed it was radiating heat like a nuclear reactor so.. I might wanna get it checked out.. or maybe I just have a hot laser in my elbow from the spider bite. #superpowers

We all know that I pissed away any chance of being “11 months smoke free” a long time ago, but I recommitted to ruining that goal this past week during vacation/birthday celebrations when I torched 2 full packs of Marlboro Reds. I really do think the 2 Tough Mudders I’ve signed up for will help keep me from reaching for the reds in my weaker moments.

Blood pressure has not been checked but I’d be surprised if it’s great after the birthday week vacation I’ve had of all night bars and all day food closing out with a delicious “brisket burnt ends” sandwich from The Joint.

Career Goals:

Documentary is not finished, but it is much closer and I’m more fired up about it than ever! This one is gonna hit like a Bruce Lee kick, y’all. I aim to complete and submit to festivals by the end of March and that is still absolutely manageable with my much lighter spring semester schedule.

Longer term job offer.. I got that since I got the full time job offer this past August which I’ve accepted. I also did get accepted to an MFA Screenwriting program, but I declined to go in favor of the job and the chance to actually finish the film.

Feature film script.. I know exactly what I want to write next but.. that goal seems insanely over ambitious looking back.. I definitely assumed everything would go much faster with the doc than it did, but.. I’ll say now that by this time next year I fully expect to have achieved that goal. Can’t wait to write again!

Heart/Mind Goals:

I aimed at 7000 minutes and 20mins/day average.. The phone won’t tell me how many minutes unless I sit and add up each day.. but it does say 21 mins/day avg for the year, which is crazy! I touched on what I feel like I get out of meditation a few times earlier so I won’t yammer on rewording the same thoughts, but it feels good to know I’ve been able to take a small step in the direction I think is good for me. I want to do much longer sits this year.

Elliptical/Sauna..

I’m sure I also averaged 20/mins in the sauna for the year but the elliptical I walked away from in favor of shorter runs on the treadmill so.. I sorta traded that and my phone doesn’t track the treadmill so.. you’ll have to take my word that I feel I probably did also get that average. I was in the gym a LOT this year. Ha!

Fed My Head:

I aimed at 12 audiobooks and I did 17. I would love to do even more but editing requires the focus of all the faculties I possess.

I certainly however did not “read more than 10 books.” I read chunks of a lot of books mostly relating to preparing film syllabi and keeping my head in the film problem solving space. But I just finished of Year of Magical Thinking, given to me by my dad after my friend Palma died. It’s a tough read b/c of what the author went through, and not at all what I expected from the title, but I would recommend it for anyone who cares about people :)

A Very Special THANK YOU to Scott McCarthy

Owner of Balance Strength and Fitness Center www.balancefitnesstraining.com

Scott voluntarily gave me a 4 day workout routine. He tailored it to my situation, a slowly healing elbow and someone who can’t spend 3 hours in the gym everyday.. and while my food and beer habits probably prevented me from losing the belly flab, I definitely gained noticeable muscle in my arms, chest and legs. So, I’m certainly stronger than I’ve ever been and in a pretty well rounded way. Without Scott’s workout plan I’m sure that I would’ve waffled from one thing to the next w/o seeing any results, but with it, I had just the right amount of workout 4 days a week and I was able to push myself each time I walked into the gym. And it was great to know that I had a map from someone who looks like the Incredible Hulk and has been training people for 20 years. He just moved into a new place and upgraded the gym that he owns. He also knows a ton about nutrition and will happily call bullshit on a lot of fads that come through, but he’ll tell you exactly why it’s bullshit. Much Respect! Scott! I owe you some video work, brother! Let’s coordinate and we’ll put some cool spots together for the gym. If you (dear reader) are in the Delaware area and want to get real about training stop reading this and drive directly to his gym… unless it’s really late. Then just go FIRST THING TOMORROW!

Final Thoughts..

I want to thank every single person who read this thing even once and especially those of you who shot me a little word of encouragement or a book suggestion along the way privately or publicly. I truly do believe as an experiment it was successful even if all the goals weren’t met b/c I did have the idea of being held accountable for my actions in mind probably more than you’d imagine. And while it didn’t keep every cheeseburger or cigarette out of my face, it did get me to meditate on weeks where I might not have at all. And the fact that I mediated a few times or ate healthier a few times to be able to report that I had done so doesn’t make me feel like I’m somehow a fake. I was as honest as I could be about everything I did and in the case of food, exercise and mediation in service of the audience.. I still get the benefit of each thing even if it isn’t coming from some pure unpolluted source of willpower. I think there’s a bit of horseshit in most ideas that swirl around purity anyway, so.. I’m good with using the blog in the way that I did.

I’m also glad to be done. Ha! I’m happy that I stuck with it for the full year, but.. I’m looking forward to returning to keeping my shameful failures quiet like everyone else online. When I get time I will probably go back and read through the entire year and there’s a chance I might gain some personal insights from that, so I look forward to doing that. And after a borderline belligerent 10 days in New Orleans to celebrate the fact that I’m still standing at 40, I’m also looking forward to getting back to regular exercise (which I did none of in Nola even tho I brought the running shoes :D) as well as returning to eating more like an athlete in training than an idiot with a death wish. I did yoga Thursday and got back in the gym for the first full workout of the new year today - one week after getting back from vacation.

Goals for 2019:

Heart/Mind

Some kind of dinner with people once or twice a month Keep a daily food and exercise journal Mediate 30mins/day Listen to 20 Books Read 5 Books

Career

Get the film sold at a festival Finish a feature screenplay and get lead cast attached

Body

Zero Cigarettes Lose most of the belly flab - I just signed up for an 8 week fitness challenge at my gym :) Maintain Gym routine (4-6 days/week weights, 2-3 mile runs 1-2 days/week) Keep doing yoga once a week Keep an eye on Blood Pressure

Food

Take probiotic stomach supplements for a year. Beef no more than once a week (taper down to once a month by end of year) Quit fast food. AKA - quit being gross, AKA quit using my organs as an industrial sludge filter

Eat more good for your gut stuff in general (straight copying my cousin on his cabbage soup/quinoa moves)

Booze

Alcohol limited to dinner with friends and 1 glass of wine with dinner (I did this wine w/ dinner thing for a stretch of time in the past. It worked and I like it). Not drinking makes it a lot easier to quit smoking as well - I once quit both for 9 months.. I did the one glass of wine/night all last week. It worked. And I’m cutting beer completely for the next 8 weeks so as to get fucking shredded to maximum and win $750 from this god damn fitness challenge.

I think a big part of why some people find it hard to finish writing books.. or anything is b/c they don’t feel like the end is good enough.. and maybe this end is lacking. I put off writing it for a couple weeks b/c I wanted to make it special in some way.. I wanted it to feel like an amazing ending.. but done is better than perfect and I am now done. I love y’all! I really do! Thanks for all the support!

And remember.. “when things look bad and it looks like you’re not gonna make it, then you gotta get mean. I mean plumb, mad-dog mean. ‘Cause if you lose your head and you give up.. then you neither live nor win. That’s just the way it is.” - (fictional character) Josey Wales

Get Mean in 2019 ;)

0 notes