#'blah blah blah lucky charm' -> i will SCREAM and CRY and die a little

[brokennerdalert]

Lil Internal Romantic Crisis, Maybe? That I need advice for.

(Feel free to skip, I’m just kind of ranting) (But I could use a bit of advice? So maybe skim it and help me out, maybe?) (Please??)

Have you ever felt like when you met someone you could fall in love with them? Like you like the person but you knew that if you had a bit more time you’d just be head over heels?

I’ve never had a boyfriend or been in love. Which at 18 seems sort of sad. I’ve had “crushes”, you know the type where you think someones cute but end up not thinking of them after a few months.

I live in the middle of freakin nowhere. And when I say nowhere, I mean NOWHERE. Like the neared town is an hour and a half away. So I very limited possibilities to go out and see anybody.

 I was at this powered flight academy (with planes)-not really going into details cause it doesn’t matter- with people I’ve never met before, except two people. One acquaintance and the other a very good girl friend.

ANYWAYS. There was this super cute boy (Who we’ll call Blake). I mean he was sooo cute. He had such a nice smile with big white teeth. He had pretty dark brown eyes. He was tall but not intimidatingly so, only a few inches taller than me. To top it all off he had a very charming personality. He was funny, sweet, smart, and confident.

I’ll go through a few situations on how I lead to feel a “pull” toward him. First off, he defended me and my friend (who we’ll call Lola) when one of the other guys at the event was lowkey insulting us. Now I can take a joke, but he was saying how women shouldn’t be pilots, they should stay home and cook, clean and have kids. Again, I can take a joke, but he repeatedly said stuff along those lines. Along with not keeping his hands to himself. He was always kind of grabbing me and Lola. Eventually Blake, took the guy aside and told him to leave us alone and knock it off. Which was sweet, but I could’ve handled it myself.

There was another time where my flight instructor was chewing out my butt because I went to fly with another instructor after one of the adults make me go. I tried to explain to my instructor that it wasn’t my choice, but he didn’t listen and kept yelling at me. I felt like I was going to cry, which is rare cause I absolutely HATE to cry in front of people. But Blake was trying to cheer me up. Which he shouldn’t have, cause Mr. Instructor Man had it out for him and yelled at Blake every chance he got.

One night we were hanging out in the common room they had available watching movies. Do you know that hand thing you do with someone to compare hand sizes. Well we sort of did that for awhile. Eventually he asked if it was okay  to hold my hand. I said it was, and in my head I was screaming. I’ve never held hands with a boy before! Much less a super freakin cute one who seemed into me! I didn’t really know what to do. I was so nervous.

We held hands for a longs time. Since I was nervous my hands got a bit sweaty, which made me WANT TO DIE! So I did what I thought was the normal thing to do and let go! But he looked at me and asked what was wrong. I told him about my hands, and all he said was ‘so?’ AND ASKED TO HOLD MY HANDS AGAIN! 

As the week went on, he always asked to hold my hand before he did it. And when Mr. Sexist ( the boy who said women shouldn’t be pilots) ended up pushing me out of a chair and ultimately making me get a bad rug burn. I played it off and pretended to I had to go to the bathroom. I was really to clean up my boo-boo. Blake checked on my and then scolded Mr.Sexist.

Blah, Blah, Blah. Later on when we were watching movies again. He asked to put his arm around my should and of course I nodded (I didnt really trust myself to talk). But I ENDED UP FALLIN ASLEEP LIKE A DUMBASS! I felt so back because his arm was stuck like that for TWO AND A HALF HOURS. He said it was cool but stilll. Eventually, we talked it out and thought it would be best if we stayed friends since we live so far away from each other (Like 5 hours apart)

We’ve known each other a little over a year now. We used to text almost everyday. You know the talks where you just chat about everything and nothing. We had those a bunch. We facetimed a few times. He use to talk about how cute I am and tease me and stuff.

 Since we both graduated thing year we’ve been a bit busy lately. He got accepted into the Air Force, which it amazing. He even said how he would write me letters while we was away. I plan to go to college in a town which is coincidently near to where he lives. He invited me to go on a hiking trip before he leaves. And I really want to go. I’d have to drive like 5 hours to see him, but I would in a heart beat. 

I still get the signals he likes me, and I like him back. But I dont know if it’s because he’s the first decent boy to show me attention without being a total creep. I want to think it’s cause I genuinely  like him. I know that any person who has him will be lucky. He’s just great.

I dont know if I should hold out hope that someday we could make things work. Like I said before I’m going to college close to where his family lives. So when he visits them we may be able to meet up.

I do feel like I’m jumping the gun a bit though. I mean he could probably meet a really nice girl in the Air Force and forget about me. I do think it would be smart to focus on my school work during college. I don’t even know what to do in a relationship anyways. I dont know what to do in general. 

I do really like the fact that he asked before he did anything with me and stood up for me. That was very considerate. 

I’d take any advice anyone has to give!

Sorry for the long ass speech.