#'and now that im grown‚ im scared of ghosts; memories feel like weapons'

[woulddieforloki]

this song except it's about Loki looking back on the thousand years he let Odin lie to him and manipulate him, and his anger and grief over the life he lost and the person he's become because of Odin's actions

[inmyheaddd]

i forgot how good would’ve could’ve should’ve is

[brionysea]

time to listen to my max mayfield playlist again. hi bb i missed you. rotating her in my mind

[gimmethegoddamncoffee]

"Would've, could've, should've" fits Jason Todd so well that everytime i listen to this shit, its like i heard the voice of a 15y old Jason screaming GIVE ME BACK MY CHILDHOOD IT WAS MINE FIRST!!! and i cry every fucking time

And of course ik Bruce loves him, but damn "god rest my soul, i miss who i used to be, this wound wont close, i keep up waiting for a sign, i regret you all the time" its like a punch in the face

Its like Jason's telling that he regret being Robin, and can you imagine what Bruce would feel if Jason ever tell him that? Shit, that would be a fucking nightmare for both of them AND FOR US

"I would've stayed on my knees, and I damn sure never would've danced with the devil, at nineteen, and the God's honest truth is that the pain was heaven" TELL ME IS NOT LIKE HIM!!! I DARE YOU!!!

"And now that im grown, im scared of ghosts, memories feel like weapons, and now that i know, i wish you'd left me wondering" we need to talk about it? Because i will talk about he feeling like every fucking thing he does is wrong and will never make Bruce proud of him and how he truly thought he was replaceable

I wont even start about hoax and Damian, or Dick and mirrorball, or even Tim, conner's death and marjorie

Please, tell me im not the only one thinking about this

[falklore]

If you would’ve blinked then I would’ve looked away at the first glance if you tasted poison you could’ve spit me out at the first chance if I was a pain did it splatter on promising.grown.man and if I was a child did it matter if you got to wash your hands ????????? OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH all I used to do was pray would’ve could’ve should’ve if you’d never looked my way I WOULD’VE STAYED ON MY KNEES AND I DAMN SURE NEVER WOULD’VE DANCES WITH THE DEVIL AT 19 AND THE GOD’S HONEST TRUE IS THAT THE PAIN WAS HEAVEN AND NOW THAT IM GROWN IM SCARED OF GHOST MEMORIES FEEL LIKE WEAPONS AND NOW THAT I KNOW I wish you’d left me wondering…….

[thaliasthunder]

oh my god guys nico is just so "you're a crisis of my faith" and guys he's so "i would've stayed on my knees and damn sure i'd had never danced with the devil" and omg also he's so "now that i'm grown im scared of ghosts" and holy shit he's too "memories feel like weapons" oh fuck and also he's "god rest my soul, i miss who i used to be" and for last i swear to gods nico is just so so SO "living for the thrill of hitting you where it hurts, give me back my boyhood it was mine first!"

[dylancozens24]

and now that im grown

im scared of ghosts

memories feel like weapons

and now that i know

i wish youd left me wondering

[aropride]

taylor swift was so real for wcs . like literally If i never blushed than they couldve never whispered about this. and if you never saved me from boredom i couldve gone on as i was. but lord you made me feel important . and then you tried to erase us.Youre a crisis of my faith wouldve couldve shouldve if id only played it safe. i woudlve stayed on my knees and i damn sure never wouldve danced with the devil at nineteen. and the gods honest truth is that the pain was heaven . and now that im grown im scared of ghosts .memories feel like weapons . and now that im grown i wish youd left me wondering .

[speak-now-girlies-unite]

AND I WOULDVE STAYED ON. MY KNEES. AND I DAMN SURE NEVER WOULDVE DANCED WITH THE DEVILLLL AT NINETEEN!! WHEN THE GODS HONEST TRUTH IS THAT THE PAIN WAS WORTH ITTT! AND NOW THAT IM GROWN IM SCARED OF GHOSTS. MEMORIES FEEL LIKE WEAPONS. AND NOW THAT I KNOW, I WISH YOUD LEFT ME WONDERINGGG

GOD REST MY SOUL! I MISS WHO I USED TO BE THE TOMB WONT CLOSE! THE STAINED GLASS WINDOWS IN MY MIND

I REGRET YOU ALL THE TIME.

CANT LET THIS GO! I FIGHT WITH YOU IN MY SLEEP THE WOUND WONT CLOSE. I KEEP ON WAITING FOR A SIGNNNN I REGRET YOU ALL THE TIMEEEE. IF CLARITYS IN DEATH THEN WHY WONT THIS DIEEEEEEEEE YEARS OF TEARING DOWN OUR BANNERS YOU. AND. IIII. LIVING FOR THE THRILL OF HITTING YOU WHERE IT HURTTSSSSSSSSS

GIVE ME! BACK MY! GIRLHOOD! IT WAS MINE FIRST!!!

[waskojey]

and now that im grown im scared of ghosts, memories feel like weapons > lyrics that make me SOB

[deadmegumi]

HES STILL SEEING HIRAM EVERYWHERE. And now that im grown im scared of ghosts. Btw. memories feel like weapons and now that I know I wish you'd left me wondering..if you even care

[ohhcalamxty]

hello. its been a while? 5 years actually. what a place this is! what a trip down memory lane of many emotions.

a quick tldr: im 25 now, im engaged and live with my amazing partner and 2 cats. i am ed free (for the most part - i still struggle to love my body sometimes), clean, and i am in therapy! a place i never would have thought id be.

i didnt think id come back here like. ever. but ive been having nightmares of sam recently. its odd isnt it, how the brain works? i havent seen sam in 7 years? since the 2nd june 2018 to be exact, and yet he haunts me. why?

this is an odd correlation but recently i got into taylor swift. her music has been wonderfully cathartic and whilst i never assumed id be one of those girls who screams breakup songs and curses them at my exes....here we are.

TTPD (and most of taylors sad songs) unhealed me, so to speak, or at least awoke something in me. i wouldn't ever proclaim i have had bad relationships. i am always grateful for the time myself and owen spent together, and i am extremely happy with josh (I'd say 2/4 of my relationships being good is pretty huge) but here I am screaming and crying over break up songs at the eras tour and tearing up in the shower because they resonate with a point in my life and put my feelings into words in a way I've never been able to do.

elliot was interesting but i try not to curse his name so much as we were 14 and maybe he didn't mean what he did because he didn't understand consent, or maybe i am naive and too nice - i guess we'll never know because he quite literally dropped off the face of the earth! (Also, minor shoutout for him delaying dumping me because my grandma died! i do appreciate that at least!)

sam however....oh where do I begin with sam!

"Were you sent by someone who wanted me dead?"

I think I spent a lot of my teen years reflecting on sam, because well, he fucked me up so much. i mean how emotionally spent must I be to have nightmares of someone who I spent less than 12 months with at the age of 16, and then collided with again for a single night at the age of 19. Clearly we're fucked here.

I cannot find the words to describe you, and I'm unsure what i did to deserve a love like this. You had a girlfriend that you loved and were with for years, and then I (your close friend at the time) got dumped, and you make your move. We hang out a lot, cool, fine, nothing new as we were friends anyway. My mind is hazy on how it started or when we went from friends to whatever we were but it haunts me so much lmao.

The constant talks of i was the one, and that yes I will leave her for you. I fear nobody ever talks about being the other woman because its so odd - it isnt a flex, it isnt cool or sexy. it fucking sucks and it fucked me up but i liked sam so much i believed it. I mean picture this: you're 16, just lost your grandma, heavily depressed, self harming, riddled with an ed and have been dumped but low and behold your best friend tells you he loves you and plays with your hair and holds you. we go on dates and have sleepovers with friends (he still had a gf btw) hes fucked up too but he worries and cares about you more than anyone else, but at the cost of if you try to pull away he hurts himself, and threatens suicide (and believe me he'd do it) - stuck between a rock and a hard place aye.

"And the God's honest truth is that the pain was heaven And now that I'm grown, I'm scared of ghosts - Memories feel like weapons"

Less than a year of back and forth, misery and stringing along. I can't remember how or why it ended but I know it took a lot of attempts of pulling away (and him pulling me back) to get away. A lot of bits are hazy but I can assume it must have been around the time when I met owen? There are old screenshots on here of sam talking to me and they make me feel unwell (not an exaggeration) - his words (even after it all ended) and how he tried to act like he cared makes me feel like a pit inside (even now). I do however find it funny that my posts from 2015 and 2016 about him claiming hes ruined my life don't seem that dramatic now that im 25 and having nightmares about him.

"Oh, God rest my soul, I miss who I used to be The tomb won't close, stained glass windows in my mind - I regret you all the time"

I think I would have been ok if this was it. I don't think I would be grieving my past self, my girlhood, my naivety if this was all - i very much had support through my other relationships to help the sam trauma which i do appreciate. But it doesnt end here does it? Nah thats too easy.

"Cause it wasn't sexy once it wasn't forbidden"

2nd June 2018: Me and Josh had briefly split up. It was Karlies birthday and we went out in HTC (dire) and I guess because Hinckley is a tiny place and everyone goes to the same places we ran into a lot of people (some good some bad) - including Sam.

Ima be honest idk where he came from or who he was out with but there he was, buying me drinks, talking to me, I dont remember much but I can assume I was happy. I do however remember him leading me away, telling me we're heading to the next bar because that's where everyone else was going but we actually were heading in the complete opposite direction haha. god knows where we were going but on the walk we sat on a bench, i cried, i told him off, told him he ruined my life, he told me he'd missed me so much, he held me, i cried more, i hated him and then we just rinsed and repeated as he pootled me up castle street to wherever he was taking me. My friend rang me, I told them I was with sam, people came running (guess they all know hes bad news) and they (including josh, who was my ex at the time and ig technically hated me) beefed him until he left and that was that. I haven't seen him since - i still dont know where he was taking me or what his plan was. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I didnt answer the phone, sometimes I wish I hadn't and that maybe I deserved whatever would happen. Maybe I'm blowing it out of proportion, being dramatic, but the trauma of the emotions that 16 year old me feels is still there. It haunts me.

"Don't call me "kid", Don't call me "baby" Look at this godforsaken mess that you made me"

So here we are. I guess I'm bringing this up at therapy in a few weeks because these feelings won't disappear (and Honestly I'm not sure why they reappeared other than being repressed emotions). I wonder though, has this affected you as much as it as me? Do you feel bad about what you did? Are you suffering? Do you think about me? Do you feel bad that you had such control over me or did you enjoy it? Claiming you've lost sleep over me and that you want to protect and help me? Was any of it true I wonder.

"And did the twin flame bruise paint you blue? Just between us, did the love affair maim you too?"

I suppose I'll never know, but I can only hope that memories of me haunt you as much as they haunt me. I hope you get everything you deserve, and I hope I can heal. My skin is no longer the skin you touched, I no longer physically feel you, and I hope one day my memories of you will be hazy and faded, and I don't need to jump at ghosts anymore.

And my therapist wonders why I really dislike men huh.

[gimmethegoddamncoffee]

"Would've, could've, should've" fits Jason Todd so well that everytime i listen to this shit, its like i heard the voice of a 15y old Jason screaming GIVE ME BACK MY CHILDHOOD IT WAS MINE FIRST!!! and i cry every fucking time

And of course ik Bruce loves him, but damn "god rest my soul, i miss who i used to be, this wound wont close, i keep up waiting for a sign, i regret you all the time" its like a punch in the face

Its like Jason's telling that he regret being Robin, and can you imagine what Bruce would feel if Jason ever tell him that? Shit, that would be a fucking nightmare for both of them AND FOR US

"I would've stayed on my knees, and I damn sure never would've danced with the devil, at nineteen, and the God's honest truth is that the pain was heaven" TELL ME IS NOT LIKE HIM!!! I DARE YOU!!!

"And now that im grown, im scared of ghosts, memories feel like weapons, and now that i know, i wish you'd left me wondering" we need to talk about it? Because i will talk about he feeling like every fucking thing he does is wrong and will never make Bruce proud of him and how he truly thought that he was replaceable

I wont even start about hoax and Damian, or Dick and mirrorball, or even Tim, conner's death and marjorie

Please, tell me im not the only one thinking about this

[veryeepysloth]

when did all our lessons start to look like weapons pointed at my deepest hurt? // and now that im grown, im scared of ghosts... memories feel like weapons

[crunchycrystals]

now that im grown im scared of ghosts memories feel like weapons and now that i know i wish you left me wondering god rest my soul i miss who i used to be the tomb wont close stained glass windows in my mind i regret you all the time i can't let this go i fight with you in my sleep the wound won't close i keep on waiting for a sign i regret you all the time. by the way

[tiny-katara]

ANA STOP POSTING THESE WHEN IM ASLEEP HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET THE FIRST LIKE AND REBLOG IN THESE CONDITIONS 😭😭😭

anyway since i am here i did make a mini meta on this song and azula and i can share some thoughts for fun 👀

"If I was some paint, did it splatter / On a promising grown man? And if I was a child, did it matter / If you got to wash your hands?"

this is literally so ozai and azula. there is a lot of pressure on azula to do everything with flawless perfection because she knows it reflects on her father. her mistakes are the paint that splatter on him, much like how taylor swift felt in her relationship with j*hn (fuck that guy). azula is shamed for her mistakes, but she is also a vessel ozai can use to excuse his. it doesn't matter that she's young, that she's his child. if it would get him what he wanted, ozai would throw her away and cleanse himself bc he's an asshole.

"And the God's honest truth is that the pain was heaven / And now that I'm grown, I'm scared of ghosts / Memories feel like weapons / And now that I know, I wish you'd left me wondering"

this delves a bit into a headcanon area but this gives me the vibe of a grown and redeemed azula. she knows better now, but she can't escape it. she was in pain but that was wonderful because she thought she was ruling the world with her father, they were bonding together. now that she's older she can see all the lies and manipulation and she can't go back to a time without it. she's trapped forever with the ghosts of her past, the mistakes, and the knowledge that she was never more than a piece in his chess game. it would have been easier if she had never known the little fragments of his "love: at all.

"But, Lord, you made me feel important / And then you tried to erase us"

ozai made azula feel valuable and special. he pit her against zuko, placing her as his golden child and zuko as his scapegoat, when in reality they both meant very little to him. in the end, ozai does try to erase her, leaving her with a now worthless title while he takes to burning his kingdom down for glory.

THEN OFC ANA'S EDIT SHOWCASES EVERYTHING SO BEAUTIFULLY

but may i just leave you with the line that rips the very life from your body for half a second, a line that showcases one thing azula never truly got.

"Give me back my girlhood, it was mine first"

her childhood.

girl help i can’t stop making atla edits to midnights