#'actually that was a left cheek sneak' fucking kills me every single time lmao

[sculien]

sometimes i forget just how much i love fox mulder and then i rewatch how the ghosts stole christmas and fall in love with him all over again bc he makes a fart joke and then immediately locks scully in the car to tell her about the haunted house theyre staking out lmao

[wildandsexyjacks]

Your Smile and You - Pt.6

Pairing: Han Seungwoo + Reader

Genre: Fluff + Friends to Lovers AU

Word count: 1,6k

Warnings: mild swearing

previous

It’s his birthday, and Seungwoo is still mad. 

He hasn’t called or texted in forever, and it feels like there’s no way of fixing this anymore. You missed your chance probably sometime around three days ago when you and Seungsik had lunch together - a whole week after that night at Seungwoo’s place. You had planned on telling him about your relationship that day but ended up chickening out at the last moment, his Instagram post was more than enough proof that you had the opportunity to do it. Seungwoo liked the picture, and that was the last you’d seen from him. 

That’s the reason you’re currently looking through the glass door of the bar he’s having his birthday party at, pondering whether to go in or just come back home. He didn’t invite you - you only found out he was there because Seungyoun tagged him in a facebook picture twenty minutes ago - and maybe you should take that as a hint that he doesn’t want you there, but it’s his birthday, and he looks so happy, and you miss him so much. As you watch Seungwoo laugh - you can practically hear it, the sound’s engraved in your heart by now - you wonder if it’s possible for anyone to miss anything as much as you miss him, and you’ve only been apart for ten days.

Most of his friends are there, drinking and laughing. Through the glass you see Seungyoun entertaining the group with what seems like a funny story and wonder if he’s told anyone about the night he caught you sneaking out of their apartment. 

Seungwoo punches his shoulder lightly, they all laugh. God, just looking at him makes your heart hurt. 

Seungsik hasn’t arrived yet - or maybe he’s already left - and you could go and talk to Seungwoo if you wanted to, but how would he feel about it? If he wanted to talk to you, he would’ve responded to your texts or that one time you drunk-dialed. If he wanted to talk to you, he would’ve invited you to his birthday party.

Someone clears their throat behind you, and you nearly jump in surprise. 

“Are you going in or...?” the boy asks.

Jet black hair, cute dimples, and dangling silver earrings, you remember him as one of your brother’s high-school friends. Lim Sejun.

Fuck.

He recognizes you too by the way his eyes grow wide when you turn around to face him, but before he has a chance to say anything you step aside from where you previously stood blocking the entrance and shake your head.

“No, no, I was just leaving actually.”

He frowns, looking at the small gift box in your hands.

“Are you sure?” You nod furiously “Do you want me to take this to Seungwoo?”

“NO!” hugging the box, you take one more step away from him and sigh “I’ll do it another time, it’s fine. In fact, I would appreciate it if you didn’t tell anyone you saw me here.”

Sejun considers it for a moment then shrugs. 

“Whatever.”

He opens the door and walks straight up to Seungwoo, then whispers something in his ear while pointing in your direction.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

You stare in horror as Seungwoo squints at the door. Now that he knows you’re there, you have no choice but to go in or things will only get worse. You put the small box back in your purse, then push the door open and walk slowly in his direction, stopping halfway.

His group of friends finally started to notice something’s going on, and the boys look from you to him with a variety of confused faces. Sejun smiles cheekily and you would go there and murder him on the spot if you weren’t too busy trying to predict Seungwoo’s next move.

His expression is unreadable but there’s no time to really think about it because he’s a long-legged son of a bitch and in three wide steps he’s standing right in front of you. He grabs your wrist, drags you out of the bar and away from everyone’s eyes, then lets go when you’re standing on the sidewalk.

Tears welling up, you prepare yourself to apologize for ruining his birthday when he takes your face between his huge hands and leans in to kiss you.

It’s like finally coming home after a long, horrible day. The winter air is cold on your cheeks and Seungwoo is not wearing a jacket over his thin baby blue sweater, but neither of you cares while he moves his hands from your face to your lower back and you wrap your arms around his neck, butterflies set free in your stomach and a sense of belonging you have never felt before, your heart beating so fast and loud you’re sure he can hear it.

“I’ve missed you so much.” Seungwoo confesses against your lips “These past ten days were the worst. You have no idea.”

“Oh, trust me, I do.” You stand on your tiptoes to press a kiss to his nose “You know, I more than like you too, I’m sorry I didn’t say it back the other day.”

He lets out an embarrassed laugh and leans in again, this time to rest his forehead on your shoulder, hiding his face in the crook of your neck.

“I thought we had silently agreed to not talk about this.”

“Never!” You giggle, caressing his back. “How could I? It’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.”

Even though there’s no sound, you feel his body shake with laughter.

“I don’t think you’ve had many good boyfriends in the past, then.” Seungwoo mumbles, his voice muffled by the fabric of your winter coat.

“You’re my first boyfriend ever.” you explain, cradling his head while he nuzzles your neck “That’s why I’m so bad at it.”

“No! You’re not bad, it’s just...” he sighs, stepping back to look in your eyes “I don’t know. It’s a difficult situation. I reacted poorly and I’m sorry for that, I promise I won’t push you anymore. We can do it when you’re ready.”

You bite your lip and reach for the box inside your purse. Seungwoo’s eyes widen as you extend your hand, the small box resting on your palm.

“Happy birthday.” 

He takes a closer look. It’s a tiny, velvety, black box, made for jewelry. Biting back a smile, Seungwoo lifts one eyebrow.

“I don’t know, shouldn’t you get on one knee for this?”

You groan and he laughs. Rolling your eyes, you push the box against his chest.

“Just take it, will you?”

He opens the box, and his breath gets caught in his throat. Inside lies a small fox keychain, with a set of keys attached to it.

“That’s... Is this...?”

“Keys to my place, yes. You’re welcome at all times.” he stares at you, dumbfounded, as you take a step forward to wrap your arms around his neck again “Let’s tell Seungsik. Let’s tell everyone.”

Seungwoo smiles real big, then chews on his lower lip, uncertain.

“Are you sure? I don’t want you to feel pressured to-“

“One hundred percent sure.” you cut in “If you’re free tomorrow, we can crash my family’s Christmas party and kill several birds with just one stone.”

Seungwoo laughs.

“Okay, alright, for someone who’s been stalling for over six months, you’re in quite a hurry right now, huh?” with an amused smile, he presses a kiss to your forehead “No need to rush, let’s discuss this again in the morning. For now, how about we go inside and I introduce you to my friends?” nodding towards the door, Seungwoo offers his hand “They’re dying to meet my secret girlfriend.”

You take his hand, laughing a little. After three steps, however, Seungwoo stops, looking at you with curiosity sparkling in his eyes.

“How did you know I was here, by the way? I didn’t even know I was coming until like half an hour ago.”

Oh. 

“Facebook. Knowing it’s a surprise party makes me feel a lot less shitty, though.” you confess “I was spying on you through the glass like a creeper because I wasn’t sure you wanted to see me.”

He cackles - that endearing, loud sound you adore.

“Sejun used the words lovingly staring instead of spying, but call it what you want.” bringing your intertwined fingers to his lips, he kisses your knuckles. “I wasn’t really in the mood to celebrate, Seungyoun put this together and then forced me to leave the house. I was about to call you when Sejun arrived, anyway, but you’re still allowed to ignore that you literally ran away from Seungyoun when you bumped into him that other night - yes, he told me - and give him hell for not inviting you if you want.”

You pout.

“No, I want to be the cool girlfriend so your friends won’t have reasons to not like me.” Before he opens the door, you squeeze his hand to get his attention. “Wish me luck.”

Seungwoo shakes his head, amused.

“You don’t need luck, I’m sure they’ll love you.”

When you finally go inside, his friends cheer loudly and line up to introduce themselves. Seungwoo calls out his roommate for not inviting you to the party, to which after a second of hesitation he shamelessly bullshits his way out declaring he posted that picture on facebook for a reason. Sejun, on the other hand, exclaims that no, there’s no need to thank him or even pay him several drinks, he just did what anyone would do after seeing their friend depressed for days on no end - then a very embarrassed Seungwoo smacks him upside the head. 

Your boyfriend - boyfriend!! - wants to leave early so he can test the keys you just gave him, but his friends are willing to tell you the funniest and most embarrassing Seungwoo-related stories and you’re dying to listen to every single one of them, so you convince him to stay for a little longer. 

He was right about you meeting his friends, after all. You’ll get along just fine.

-

and that marks the end of my first attempt at a chaptered fic, and honestly i’ll prob never do it again lmao if you’d like to see seungsik’s reaction to the news let me know and i’ll write a short bonus

i hope ya’ll are happy and healthy. please be safe and stay home if you can.

[icharchivist]

 i’ve got a spiral down about my past and needed to throw it all out somewhere sorry about that, scroll past

under cut cw: self harm mentions, suicide idealization mentions, the usual deal from my parents, abandon issues and even slight bigotery discussion that has nothing interesting to say, just me being upset at my parents, so please just scroll past. 

Honestly i act as cheerful as possible lately and to be honest, i truly am happier than i had been in a long while - my current hyperfixation helping a lot and i think it also helps me process some things that I need to process as of now, especially the whole “living in the present, moving forward and try not to think too much of the past” angle that i obsess about lately -

but there’s not a single day that passes where i’m not angry at my family, that i’m not frustrated, that i don’t want to scream. I look back at my past and want to destroy it all, throw it all out, hating every single minute of it. 

And it’s while it’s better now that my (ex)stepdad left for good (I still have the 6 fucking years of trauma he left me with to deal with though) and that my mom is barely there bc she’s happily living with her bf right now (and even there this bad, bitter part of me is just BITTER that she can just move on and be happy as if i hadn’t been miserable due to her decisions in that whole time) - there is still the case of the fact that there’s this trial against my dad that is bringing back sour memories because my dad just... come to shake things bc he sucks. 

And meanwhile i’m happy i don’t have the weigh to bother with my mom but like?? that adds to all the times i’ve felt neglected, abandonned, left behind. And she will be /happily/ doing so and i must be happy bc she’s happy. 

All those problems i have to still process the consequences to shouldn’t even have been problems to start with. There is no reason any of it is fair, any of it is worth it. 

And like everytime i look back i just see how miserable it made me and how i still pay those decisions to this day: hell right now my hands hurt like crazy and GEEZ. bc what is handicaping my hand? a sickness that started due to high dose of stress my parents put me under AND neglect bc my mom argued for months i didn’t need to see a doctor and we didn’t have the means for it, leading to me contracting a deadly disease that will ALWAYS remain in my blood and always show up again when i’m having some pick of stresses and that still forbid me to do things to that day.

And like... everytime i start to be in pain i get frustrated because those problems, i’ve learnt to deal with them and i especially learnt to shut the fuck up about it. Because even if those are things that could kill me, it’s always things that do it /slowly/ so my parents don’t care?? they just tell me to stop complaining and move on? Like i almost had a ulcer and since then can’t eat some stuff anymore but does that stop my mom from just cooking it and joking that “she too is in pain eating them”? 

And i’m frustrated because I compare to my sister who had also been deadly sick, but those deadly got very quick and concerning very fast so my mom at least always overprotected her - and that’s good and fine, i’m glad my sister got the support she needed, but in the meantime when I got my deadly sickness i was just told to suck it up and that we couldn’t see a doctor because see it’s slow so it’s not important? 

And there’s not a day without those thoughts to come back to me. And it frustrates me, it makes me want to yell. 

And like. Like. My mental health had been SO BAD for ALL THOSE YEARS and all i’ve ever heard was my mom in denial shutting me off everytime i tried to bring it up because “no no because it’d mean you’re crazy and you can’t be crazy” mom i’m telling you i want to kill myself pay fucking attention, or worse, my dad who used my confession to my mom about self harm (that my mom welcomed with fucking “I have more important things to deal with” before snitching to my dad that it was his fault while i didn’t want to tell my dad) tO PUT IT IN COURT and tlel the judge that my mental unstability “caused by my mom” was why he shouldn’t give me allowance and lol i was 15??? And that led my dad to make suicide jokes at my expense to total strangers as i grew up???

And then 4 years ago  when i cut ties with my dad he started to send threats telling me he was going to send doctors from the mental institude against us because we were “dangerous to society because we’re mentally unstable” for thinking he should pay the fucking allowance, and he’s threatening this very thing again now??? 

Meanwhile like even my mom told me that perhaps i should keep low my attempts at therapy because my dad might use it against me and like?? like??? in what fucking world. 

And I think back to those once in a while, those thoughts sneak back into my mind and i’m angry, i’m so angry, i’m so so angry at this past. I want to tear it off i want to remove it I just don’t want it. I am tired of staying up at night reviewing my trauma because my brain finds it funny to remind me that everything went downhill and i’m trying to fix what people had destroyed around me and i wonder why i even bother it’s not like i knew how it was when it wasn’t broken and i don’t see why i have to put this much effort into all of this that shouldn’t have happened to start with. 

and I can see random things and it sets off the spiral down, anything that is a cute tongue and cheek thing about your past can make me remember stupid things that happened and then it’s over for the few hours that follow because i need to review AAAALL of that trauma, including things i have no reason to remember about like my fucking ex. 

And it happens over and over and over again.

I’ve ended up having a rather weird spiral down rn bc when my brain keeps me awake at night i try to focus on learning Japanese so i still stimulate my brain and distract myself from mental breakdown, but it comes with its lots of trauma, like the fact my mom had always been pretty bigoted toward this culture and had always made me feel bad for being curious about it, that i’ve wanted to study it for ever but my mom always killed it in some way or another, that i was made ridicule for it, and hell so did my Dad, he was no better he was just less virulant than her and just more humiliating. My mom was shutting me off and my dad was humiliating me, they made such a goddamn duo (and anyway from the letters i’ve found back from my sister running away that was already their combo kill before, lmao, and they still do that while divorced ofc).

And I was thinking what would be THE event in my life i could change that would have saved me all that trouble? And i think, if my grandmother took me with her when she took my sister away from my family. If i grew up with them what would have happened? 

And I was thinking, geez my mom always told me they were horrible people and i mean the apple can’t have fallen so far from the tree right? Like, how is there any garentee it could have been better except for the fact my sister got a happy life there.

and from all the things I could remember i remembered that they moved away back to the island my mother grew up to that is nearby Japan (which was my mom’s justification for being bigoted), and that for a couple of months when i was 14 where my mom managed to get in contact back with her mother (not allowed to talk back to my sister though and that’s when things turned sour but that’s a whole other can of worms), and for that slight time my grandmother actually talked back to me and was the most encouraging person from my whole family, and she had patrons from Japan so since she knew i was interested she sent me goodies she could find, like a traditional fan i still have, and she was even talking about how my mom and I could move in with them, and that i’d study there and study the language and all and it was already more support than i’ve ever had before which i’ve never realized until now and i started to cry in the kitchen out of nowhere (probably not helping i was making onigiri so it’s the mood i guess)

and like all of this was a lie since a few weeks later she told my mom last minute that we weren’t allowed to approach them anymore since my sister didn’t want to see her anymore (DUH that’s why she ran away) so we had to change our plans last minute and we lost contact and i’ve lost pretty much all interests i had at the time because now i associated it to a sour memory, and i suppose that’s part of the reasons why i hadn’t considered studying Japanese again until pretty recently (that and the fact my mom still found bigoted boyfriends who belittled me for that as well but hey when the shoe fits i guess)

 and i guess this whole spiral down i was thinking, i was told all my life they were horrible people and I don’t know them enough to have judged them, yet in a couple of months i was in contact with them they had shown more support to me than my family ever did. 

And it just... guh.

I feel like ever since i’ve read my sister’s file and that every affection i still had for my family broke, everyday is just a flood of remembering memories i’ve repressed of slight neglects here and there, or things i’ve been in denial about because it couldn’t have been that bad right? 

And I feel like.. the more now i’m trying to be in a better place mentally, and to sieze things I want, the more i remember why i wasn’t doing those to begin with and it’s not just my mental health being bad because of my parents, it was the whole package the problem, i have this sort of trauma on every aspect of my life, there’s not a single thing i can think back without taking it in the lense of feeling betrayed by my family in some regards. 

And hell even to some extend i feel so, so upset that those bounds with my families are things I want to throw out to start with, because I value the principle of legacy, but my family never did and I think back about the fact my parents come from very different and vast cultures that has nothing to do with France (my father is southern italian, my mother is of jewish descendant (as in she herself considers herself atheist and she never passed it down but she was raised in the faith) with her family branches from Algeria and she grew up in tropical islands surrounded by their cultures) and that they always, always specifically made sure i never knew about it until very late, shutting me off of it and then being mad that i don’t know stuff from my father’s side or mad that I get curious about others things in general. 

and i feel misplaced, i feel like this odd number that never got the attention of my parents, that didn’t inherit anything and perhaps it’s better this way, but i’ve been envious all my life of this concept and now i keep thinking and thinking and thinking about what the hell went wrong and there’s nothing in my control, just trying to break the paterns over and over again. (and all of this not helped by the fact it was the same as school for similar reasons, so the problem always felt like a me thing, it takes forever to try to heal from it)

All while also i was the one who took care of all of them, ALL of them, of my mother’s trauma, of my father’s abuse, of my sister projecting her abandons issues on me and my eldest that left such a ghost in our life i have no memory of despite this weigh, all while dealing with life’s problems, school, bullying, my fucking ex, and I had to think about it, i had to take a lot of responsabilities very young to stop my mother from collapsing and to try to stop my father from hurting us, and it comes back, it comes back that i should have never taken this burden to start with, and that all this burden i’ve taken is for a family who had never connected with me, never tried to and always making me feel bad for doing so, and the people i’ve villified all my life as a coping mechanism ends up making me feel a sort of homesickness i don’t even know how to express because i don’t know what it is to have a home that doesn’t hurt and no place of escape was ever actually safe.

And i want to move on, i want to move past that, i’m tired to deal with those ghosts all over and over again, it should never have happened to start with. I am so frustrated of those battles i should never have had to pick, of this responsability i’ve taken, and now between my mom just going on living her life happy go lucky leaving me to fend on my own as if she hadn’t destroyed my life and my father who keeps arguing of how much of a terrible person i am for just asking for the rightfull help my parents owe me, all while also my father keep making me feel guilty about the disconnect i have with my family, about how i’ve cut ties with everyone, that i neglect this heritage i have, so much that the timing leaps over the things i want to focus on now and i grow bitter and bitter and there’s nothing my parents aren’t always poisoning in some way or another. 

I’ve been told all my life to not mimick my eldest, hearing humiliating things about her with the constant threat of “dont be like her” and now i yearn for having understood her back then and having done like her sooner instead of trying all my life to do the extra miles to not hurt my parents again the way she hurt them, while she was right, she was right all along and i’ve villified her all my damn life while she was right and i should have done the same far earlier if i hadn’t been made to feel guilty about having this clear exemple of a way out in front of me.

And i’m tired and i’m tired and i want out i hate this life i hate every single things that brought me to that past and i have no idea what i’m doing with my life nor why i even bother trying to keep walking but i sure as hell need to at least fucking try, if only because i can’t them let win it, if only by spite of wanting to finally cut it all out and them having to live with the fact they’ve destroyed everything they ever touched. 

So the spiral downs and freakout that keep me awake lately are super fun and i fucking love that i just had a breakdown in the kitchen because I just thought about how i was given my eldest sister’s room when she left home and all the things that then followed from me never feeling at home anywhere ever, and that just a single thought about a material thing from my past suddenly brings an avalanche of bad things to remind me of all that repressed memory i refuse to acknowledge.

Im having so much fun on this tuesday night, peace out i’m tired, i’ll blast some music again now.