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aliceellablog · 8 years ago

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Utter Rantage

It’s Friday night… It’s Top of the Pops… It’s not…I’m not sure why that came into my head… I’ll start again.

It’s Friday night… and I am sat on the sofa alone eating a stupidly large Toblerone on the verge of tears.

I’ve been crying on and off all day and not really managed to shake it. Balls.

I just don’t understand. I don’t understand why I feel like this and why Brian acts the way he does (for new readers, Brian is what I call my brain…yep…)

Why do I have days when I feel like I could conquer the world- or rather, make it as a singer, and then days where I question the whole thing and think I should just accept that I am unwell and live my life watching Jeremy Kyle, This Morning, and Catfish, living on microwave meals and Haribo.

I suppose I should start with the fact that I haven’t been sleeping, which has been a problem on and off since I got ill at 14. I try to go to bed at a reasonable hour and when I get into bed I am EXHAUSTED. I feel like I am going to fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow. But instead Brian likes to go through every little thing that I have done, or not done, that day. He then likes to plan a minute by minute account of what I am going to do the next day and play out every possible scenario and outcome. Then he usually spends a bit of time obsessing over the fact that I am SO tired yet I haven’t fallen asleep yet. We then go over the fact that I have or haven’t taken a sleeping pill and when it might kick in.

We try slow breathing, thinking of ‘nothing’, sleep apps that play the sound of a rainforest (it also plays the sound of a hoover and a little ‘medieval’ tune with like a flute or something…. Oh and frogs… who wants to fall asleep to that?!) and we also try counting sheep. I have on numerous occasions closed my eyes, and genuinely pictured a field full of sheep and counted as each little fluffy bastard jumps over some random little fence. IT HAS NOT WORKED.

I’ve tried routine, having a bath before bed, no looking at my phone for an hour before bed… ok…. I struggled with that one… but Brian just doesn’t like to be left alone. Go away Brian!! Let me sleep!!

So yea… that probably isn’t helping with how I feel, but the weird thing is that I have been doing a lot better recently in general. I’ve been managing to do the odd song writing session and studio work- even though some have been a right old struggle to get through. I have also been really on top of all the admin and email / promotion side of things for the first time in forever.

I do actually feel like I have a sort of ‘plan’ and it’s slowly coming together with regards to meetings I’ve got coming up, the new single (24 Obsession) I am releasing and even planning the next release after that… the thing is… I can then go in to panic mode. Ah!

Like… I book all these great things, but then, what if I can’t make it?? Shall I just cancel them? Or cancel some of them so I have more rest time in-between? I already try to plan SO carefully and don’t book more than one thing on one day- how frustrating is that!!!! But I’m kinda used to that and if I can do one thing on a day that’s still one thing more then nothing eh!! (OMG I just said something positive! Yay me!!) But then I tend to have one good day and over book myself and get in a right old pickle!!

It really does get me down the amount of time it takes me to do things compared to a ‘healthy’ person. I know I should be grateful if I can do anything at all, and I am, but life isn’t like that and everything is relative. I kind of see it that a ‘normal’ person could do what I do in a week in two days. For example in 7 days if I was having a really good week, I reckon I could do a writing session, recording sesh, and maybe a meeting?? Thats like 2 days worth of stuff right? Sorry I really am just feeling sorry for myself now, but then take into account the fact that I’ve just had pretty much 2 years out, and keep having to have weeks / months off at a time and you might get the idea. Well.. I mean 14 years really... I just mean 2 years recently ya know....

Then I see people having social lives. People going to work and then going out after for ‘drinks’ or whatever. I know I’ve said it in another blog before but I am desperate to be able to go out with friends and have a drink and a dance. It kills me that I can’t. And pretty much every weekend I have to either watch as my (gorgeous amazing best friends) housemates do their thang and go out and have fun, (Luckily they also enjoy staying in with me and watching tele sometimes ;) but if it’s not them going out then its the whole of bloody Facebook and Instagram with their ‘one bottle or seven’ memes. Yes you are having a great time, but I am not, so go away.

Bitter?? Me?? Never ;) ;)

This then begs the question - should I quit social media?? We all have this problem- everyone’s lives looks better than your own- I mean to be honest if I were to scroll through my Instagram feed I think it looks like I am a healthy girl, having fun, following my music career dreams without a care in the world- but then of course we only really put pictures up of the good bits, and if we decide to share the bad times they are usually few and far between and there’s always that risk that it can come across as a cry for attention. I hate attention I do… HAHAHA oh I make myself laugh- is this me trying to get attention though? Nah… what with my like… 6 Tumblr followers I definitely see this as more like therapy. And I do it in the hope other people will read this, relate to it, and then not feel quite so alone. Anyway, god I am on a right rantage now aren’t I!?!?!

Where was I… Ok so I could leave social media and get rid of all the jealousy I feel when I see people who appear to have perfect lives, or at least seem to live a life that I want. But…. #FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) What if I miss an important post? (I have actually got a lot of music related jobs etc through Facebook and it is one of the key self promotion tools when it comes to releasing your own music!) How will I know what my friends and people I know are up to… OK that one felt weird to type- I heard it- if they are your real friends then message them or talk on the phone!! But realistically there are tons of things I know my friends, family and acquaintances have done or are doing purely because of Facebook and the like.

I don’t know. But I know I look through it all way too often.

So I usually do a bit of a recap of the last two weeks in these blogs… as I have the worst memory of anyone I think I’ve ever met (can’t remember) I shall get the diary out…

Ok so I’ll start with the fact that I had my old band round for dinner which was LOVELY!! I was having a bit of a bad day and didn’t think I would be up to it but once they got here and Chinese food had been ordered I was a much happier bunny :) The last gig I did with them was around two years ago for the launch of my first single ‘Summer Sun’ - at one point in the evening we were reminiscing about it all and I broke down into tears infront of them all - a bunch of lads- which was highly embarrassing but maybe that just showed them how much I care, and how much I miss it. Anyway we had a lovely catch up and fingers toes and flaps crossed we will be gigging together in the not tooooo distant future!! :)

I spent the next five days at home going between resting and working on a new youTube video- It’s a cover of ‘Stay’ by Zedd ft. Alessia Cara and it is my entry for this month’s MTV Cover of the Month Competition- here’s the link to the comp if you fancy voting for me - you can ‘clap’ as many times as you like ;) ;) THANK YOU!!!!!!

http://www.mtvcoverofthemonth.com/v/253144

And here’s the link to the video on the YouTubes, I really hope you enjoy watching it :) : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UpVtfAuZ97s

On the Sunday we filmed that video at an amazing studio just down the road from where I live (massive yay!) and it was so great to work with Matt Allen :) He’s an amazing videographer and editor and was super fun and easy to work with.

On the day I actually felt quite up for it, but about an hour into the three hour shoot and I was having major internal panic about how tired and basically awful I felt. Anyway, got through it and got it done YAAAAASSS :D

A few days after that and I was back down to Biggin Hill (the other end of the Earth) to record some vocals with Warren. We were recording the final vocals for the next single release (after 24 Obsession) and I am honestly SO freaking happy that we managed to finish them!! Next will be some production changes and then getting the remixes done and the video etc etc etc, but the reason why I am already working on the next single is so that once I release this one there won’t be another long ass wait until the next one :) Although to be fair to myself the main reason for this two year gap has been the elf!

Oh and I also beat Warren 19-4 when we were watching catchphrase!! LOOOOL!! - I am so obsessed with this gameshow- I even applied to be on it and got to the auditions stages- then I was told that I had made it to being a reserve for the show….so close!!! I will definitely be applying again next series though!! It is my calling!!

Then it was back home for a bit more resting and coco-pop action :) This felt ok though as I had done the video and the studio sesh, it actually felt like it was deserved rest.

The next eve I went to see one of my favourite people play his own sell out gig in Camden- Okiem- check him aaaaat!! He is a pianist who has played for all kinds of acts including Tinie Tempah, Delilah, Duke Dumont etc etc and is now writing and performing his own classical / cinematic music which I can assure you is bloody beautiful!!!

I went with one of my bestests who I live with - Grace- who is genuinely one of the funniest girls I think I have ever met! Oh the stories I could tell you about her :) But not only is she hilarious she is also caring, kind, and she gives a shit- to be fair she’d had a few drinks, but during the concert she turned round to me and just said how if I ever wanted to talk to her or have a rant about anything she is always there and wants to listen and be there for me. I think she knows that I try not to talk about my health stuff too much as I feel like it must get so boring and ‘woe is me’ for all my housemates, but I could tell that she was being genuine and I almost burst into tears there and then… I just about managed not to….. but it meant so much.

The gig was amazing and I was SO proud of Oak!! He is one of the cowriters and producers of that next single that I was recording the vocals to you see! Ah I am a lucky gal!

The next day I travelled down to Sussex to be with Mumma bear :) She has just had a little operation so I wanted to come and spend some time with her and look after her. MY goodness… she is the most inspiring person I have ever met… I mean after all.. she did have me ;) ;) no but seriously, I think she’s had like twenty something operations in her life. I won’t list them but they include tumours of the spine and all sorts. She has had a constant battle with her health throughout her whole life too so I think that’s probably why we understand each other so much.

So having said that I really wanted to come home and look after her, but while I was there I had a really bad few days and spent most of the time on the sofa with Ollie (my cat). Rubbish. But we did have some good quality time together and I managed to cook her a few meals at least :)

I felt like I had been doing really well up until that point and can’t really see a ‘reason’ why I felt so bad.

That’s the thing, I am always searching for reasons, like having over done it, or that I ate the wrong things or didn’t do this or that, but sometimes there just is no reason that I can see, and that pisses me right off. Like what am I supposed to do?? Push through it even if I feel like I am going to collapse? Rest even though then my stamina levels will go back down and everything will be that much harder the next day and days after that? Ugh.

I have been talking lots about the LP (Lightning Process) in my last few blogs as it is something I am really trying to do….. I truly believe that it has been really helpful but then I just sometimes get days like this when it’s like nothing can shake how shit I feel.

I’ve been so tearful too and just feel like giving up- which is the exact time that I should be doing the LP!! It is so confusing and hard to do!! You basically have to do it all the time especially when you are at your worst….which is by far when it is the hardest. I have been doing it the last few days but I know I haven’t been doing it enough. But why? Is it my brain? Surely I am in control of it? I don’t know. Maybe Brian is back in control.

Anyway I have been typing for a long time now and I’m gonna get into bed... well... some sofa cushions on the floor - (staying at any brothers place tonight, which has been lovely as him and his gf Holly just got engaged!!!! How exciting!!!!) and try and sleep it off and wake up tomorrow with a fresh head.

I HAVE to work out a way to control Brian. Why does he want me to fail to bad? I can’t let him win. I won’t let him win. Silly Brian. ;) x

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