#'On an unrelated note I can't remember anything I did last evening'

[descendant-of-truth]

I put all this work into crafting a dynamic between Klug and Aya where they're mostly just tolerable roommates to each other but also Klug is terrified of them but ALSO they both have an extra secret soft spot for each other and it's so complicated and angsty at times

Only for the official audio dramas to present me with the infinitely funnier option, which is "Klug keeps randomly blacking out for various periods of time and not once does he attribute this to the demon in his book, who he knows has 100% possessed him before and that he still carries on his person at all times"

[therantingsage]

Misc additional observations/notes relating to the implication analysis post that I either forgot to add or omitted for pacing reasons.

This one's embarrassing to admit, but I literally did not remember this until the post was done and posted:

N being bad at keeping things to himself is literally the first thing we learn about him when he starts talking. "Inclusive reflexes" isn't what teaches Uzi this, it's literally the first thing she finds out about his character, so she has no excuse. There is no plausible deniability she knows her boyfriend can't keep secrets.

((Unrelated to anything but since I'm talking about the pilot like. Why does he fan himself here. Dude you don't even have feelings for her yet bro what's this about. Guy who really likes strong personalities I guess))

N's tiny little smile in Promening when Uzi admits to wanting his help. He's like, critically underappreciated by the people around him before this so Uzi reaching out to him here must be so meaningful to him. He wants to be helpful and she's letting him be.

And Uzi, too, despite being stubborn about it. N being so eager to offer help in the first place isn't something she's used to, either. I'm pretty sure the (correct) general consensus is that this is the episode she falls for him, and honestly all the blushing has very little to do with why I think that's the case.

Because, like...no one really bothered even pretending to get along with her. Like, aside from Thad, but that's for like one scene total before N enters the picture, and Uzi's "how do you know my name, people willingly talk to you" implies to me that they didn't have a lot of, if any, meaningful interactions before that point anyway. And then here comes N, who despite how they'd parted, doesn't even seem upset with her. They both spent their time apart terrified of things being bad between them....but it all just melts away when they reunite and the mutual genuine concern shines through. It's great.

N maybe has fragments of memories of life at the manor, not a lot, but he probably has the vague sense that people used to be nicer to him in general. So it's not as foreign to him. Uzi does not have that luxury so having N be so enthusiastically in her corner definitely touches her heart. And it shows through in how she interacts with him in this episode.

There's lots and lots of little moments in Cabin Fever that I like but this tiny sheepish blush is a funny one. Like he just. Alluded to talking about her. And that flusters her for some reason. We have no idea how much time has actually passed since the last episode but its clear from how little it takes for this reaction to happen that her feelings have grown stronger. She likes him and its cute.

This scene is one I want to talk about in more detail, though. Home establishes that V still has faint lingering feelings for N, so it's not that hard to assume that her behavior here is at least partially motivated by jealousy. She's petty and vindictive and jealous...but most importantly she's perceptive.

Uzi has abandonment issues, which I think is easy enough to understand so I'm not going to elaborate on it. But V figured that out, and makes this threat with the knowledge that Uzi is worried about being abandoned. Uzi fears the idea that she wouldn't be missed if she disappeared, and here comes V, claiming that the one person she cares most about wouldn't care either. Hitting her where it hurts, trying to convince her that her fears are justified and inevitable.

It's likely that this moment contributes to her eventually going feral. That the stress overheats her faster.

She's incredibly vulnerable, when she snaps out of it. Shares that specific fear with N, who reassures her. Because this whole scene is him telling her that no, he wouldn't be able to just get over it if she was gone, because their brief time apart in this single episode was already something that scared him. That she's already become important enough to him that her absence was keenly felt.

It's probably around here, or a bit after this point in the nebulous timeskip between this episode and the next, that N falls for her. Scratch that, his whole speech, as I said in the prior post, just...really feels like some kind of romantic-adjacent confession. But I don't think it WAS explicitly them confessing feelings for each other. N figures out he likes her in this episode I'd like to think, but that speech was the closest he could come to admitting that. Cuz. Y'know. Uzi needs reassurance in other ways right now, no point in muddying the issue.

((and also not news to anybody I'm sure but the song that plays during that scene is LITERALLY called 'Falling...for you??' so. y'know. hindsight is 20/20 this is genuinely the moment he realizes his feelings for her are romantic))

And additional thing I like that I think about a lot, but the way he deliberately choses to switch his hands to claws when he pries her wings open. "I'm a monster, leave me be" she says, to which he replies "Hey, look, I am too, see? It's ok". It's great, he's mirroring, trying to make her feel seen. And by the vulnerability of her next line, it works. They really just, understand each other so damn well.

Home stuff. The fact that the first word that comes to mind to describe him is 'cute' is funny enough, but the fact that she even goes so far as to SAY it out loud before hastily correcting herself. Looking at her bf's baby pictures-coded. Has to keep her image up tho, this version doesn't know her so she can't be too weird or open about it.

But she still wants this version to think she's cool cuz she's a dork who likes him. It's unclear how much of this episode is diegetic when you subtract Uzi, but since these are memories and not proper time travel, we don't know to what extent Uzi's trying to avoid affecting the events. She might not care at all. Did the real N even go down to that basement willingly at any point? I doubt it. But we don't know! And also that's not what I'm making this post to talk about.

Funny Solvercam-Uzi body language on display. Delighted he recognizes her finally, spits out something edgy to play it cool (genuinely my favorite Uzi line of all time), sheepishly looks back at him, and shyly averts her gaze when he thanks her before looking back. Had she her regular face I'm sure she'd be smiling and blushing about it. It's cute as hell. It's very open delight, when you think about it. But still awkwardly teenage. It's easy to see this and have it make a whole lotta sense if they were already dating at this point. Got that meaningful eye contact going on. She likes making him happy so she's proud she succeeded.

Him trying to help steady her when they land. She blushes and slaps his hand away like 'dude I'm fine people are LOOKING at us stoooooop >:('

Her tail chewing on him is fine tho because we don't know if she controls it fully or if it does things subconsciously. And also the others aren't actually looking at them in this shot. Neither of them make the tail stop chewing so at the very least N doesn't mind.

Still flustered easily when he shows her he cares tho. Early-relationship 'hehehe he likes meeee' moment, adorable. Still clearly giddy that someone cares about her.

He's so conflicted after 'Tessa' tells him Uzi needs to die. He loves her, he loves her so so much, but Tessa is his oldest friend. All the memories he has of her paint a picture of someone he's supposed to listen to. Someone he can trust. Someone who wouldn't lie to him. He spends the rest of this episode bracing himself for a goodbye he doesn't want to give and its heartbreaking.

And despite his fear...Uzi still manages to comfort him the best way she knows how. And it gets him to smile! Because that's what the two of them are to each other. He's scared...but she's with him, so its less scary.

They've both caught up to the moment. 'Oh. We're still holding hands while the other two can see oh god'. They're both tight-lipped. She bumps him and they let go, maybe N thinks 'oh, right, yeah, not in public' but then they hold hands again but with intent this time.

And once again, it gets N to smile! And a second later Uzi does too! Awkward little moment of intimacy that must be so refreshing for them because there's so much heavy stuff happening but now they get to be distracted thinking about something lower-stakes.

To me, this bit is an interesting parallel to the Cabin Fever falling scene. He tends to be pretty perceptive about Uzi's worries. He's a good listener. Uzi fears abandonment, he fires back with a promise to stay with her.

But here, the thing Uzi fears is that things are being kept from her. That these two are keeping secrets from her. But instead of assuring her that they'll talk later, like they said they would, he instead chooses to use this moment to put his foot down with 'Tessa'. He just lost V maybe, and he's not willing to lose Uzi too, so he's decided she must be wrong about this being the only solution to the problem.

Up until that very moment, she didn't realize hurting her was on the table. It comes out of nowhere, freaks her out, and confirms her fear that she's not being told something. So she runs.

And the guilt he feels for scaring her off is heartbreaking. Half this episode is limb-chopping, genuinely, so the fact that he chooses this bone-saw to cut himself free instead of the litany of other things he has that he knows are quicker can't be a coincidence. He's punishing himself. And, additionally, probably reminding himself of V, hiding things because he worries the truth will hurt. Which makes the V hologram showing up moments later thematically very appropriate.

Can't add anymore pictures to this so maybe I'll make a part three later lol

[ruskatuskapuskasapuska]

How was the con? :)

Short answer: Yureicon was pretty good, had lots of first-times and most importantly: fun! ;^) (the con had stuff to improve too, but I hope it returns next year and more, since 18+ cons are still pretty rare here)

Long answer below since I first ended up writing that first, realised how long it was/"overthunk" but didn't wanna erase anything lol:

Yureicon was pretty good despite me being kinda alone* for the most of it :D Played at the rhythm game corner and sung at the karaoke** for the first time! AND MET 2 SLOW DAMAGE COSPLAYERS (Towa and Mayu (+they recognised my Ren Hana-cosplay, argh, If only I foresaw this and had my Eiji-cosplay with me instead (funny enough, Towa was my Sunday cosplay tho))!! I'm so pissed at myself for not asking for a pic (but we exchanged instas at least))!!

*I knew of like 1 friend attending the con, but they were working as staff there for roughly half of it so we didn't hang out that much :") but it was all in all kinda interesting (and almost refreshing?) to vibe at a con by myself for the first time! (And I did hang out with the SlowDama-folks for most of the Sat-evening, hope we stay as con-pals after this :"3c)

**I've feared the karaoke (& the game corner kinda) for all this time but since the con wasn't crowded for the most part it felt chill enough to try these things out :"D In the end, I ended up spending the last 2-ish hours of the Sat-evening at the karaoke since the vibes and people there were really fun! The game-corner on the other hand... :"D (I sucked pretty much at everything (taiko no tatsujin being lowkey an exception), especially DDR, my feet just can't do directions it seems. Luckily there weren't many witnesses lmao)

Also one last silly note that's kinda unrelated: I feared the HSL-experience (AKA the public transport around Helsinki and the cities near it) but it was so much simpler/easier than I remembered (still felt like a bumpkin tho (a bumpkin dressed like a weirdo with blood all over my face, but at least there was the halloween-excuse)) (+I got to ride the metro! It was just like persona 5!! /j)

[bottlecap-joe-spooky]

How bad is the extent of Miles Edgeworth's mental state in rise from the ashes?

Tw: suicide, implied self harm

Obviously he ends up essentially leaving a suicide note of "prosecutor edgeworth chooses death", but that could be symbolic. He HAD already quit his job (one of the only things that had held his life together possibly since his father died) so him as Prosecutor edgeworth had essentially "died".

There's also the ambiguous definition of "dying" in the note. Did he mean it as in he would not be coming back (from death or to prosecution or to japanifornia or whatever) or as he would never come back as the same person (the "demon" prosecutor) or just to fake his own death for a little moral/mental break or whatever (everyone's allowed a little gay panic break every once in a while).

Who knows, and I genuinely love the ambiguity the game leaves.

Obviously, phoenix takes it as a serious suicide note, and is obviously absolutely wrecked by it for the next year. This is a topic often touched upon in fanfiction, though not in the game quite as much. Obviously it is hard to talk about mental health issues in a lawyer game, and they do it really well for a game not technically focused on it and from the early 2000s. Specifically for Maya and Edgeworth I think, as they both have loads of trauma that they deal with in fully different ways. Miles is more worrying though, as most of his coping skills are absolutely horrible, he has very little emotional support, and he's been pretty messed up in the head.

I honestly wonder a lot which people and relationships are meant to mirror the main characters, like phoenix saying shit like "that's so romantic- he saved you- I guess I'd fall in love too-" for the Delite's love story or edgeworth saying Adrian andrews codependent situation is very similar to how Franziska operates with her father or definitely Lana and ema reminding Phoenix of Mia and Maya or him literally telling Adrian andrews to kill herself in court. Specifically that last one. He specifically phrases it as "if you're going to say you would 'choose death', that is of no concern to me."

There is some especially worrying evidence in rise from the ashes, when he was at the most mentally unstable he's ever been. The only time that would compare was when his dad died when he was 8, but even then he had a new foster family to rely on (more or less). He's at his very worse, because, after 15 or so years, all of his past has just been dredged up and solved (by "that man" no less. Also, side note, does he only start saying Phoenix "saved him" after he came back from the dead?)

I really don't like any implications of why edgeworth would have traces of blood on the ground, especially at this point in his life.

So the options here are 1) it's someone else's blood, and maybe he fucking slapped someone so hard they bled or 2) it's his blood on his office floor for whatever reason. Neither imply anything remotely good for his mental state.

At this point it really could just be coincidence and ema is right or whatever. It's an easily missed peice, completely unrelated to the case and just an interesting tidbit for lore maybe. But sadly I found more evidence to support that that is not indeed the case.

I can't remember what the plot point for edgeworth's knife besides the fact that he had it in the car for Lana to find.

Mmm yeah ema. What is that little fruit doing with a knife? Very low chance that gay man knows self defense tbh.

Ema goes on to suggest he spends weekends "roughing it in the wild" and Phoenix basically laughs in her face (does this girl not understand what a homosexual man he is) as Edgeworth has probably never been in "the wild" a day in his life.

This doesn't feel like a coincidence anymore. There is cleaned up blood on his floor, enough for a nosebleed, and there is a knife in his car. One which he would probably never actually use on another person. This and then added to the fact that he had just quit his job and "died" shortly after. it's pretty obvious he is doing worse than even what he says, as he actually is kind of open about how he is doing throughout the games. Obviously he's always trying to hide his feelings (which Phoenix always sees right through), but during the case he does mostly explain to them exactly what is happening. Not that they do or even can help.

His entire career was based around punishing himself for something he didn't actually do. There is no way he isn't harbouring a lot of self loathing, and it's hinted at throughout the games (again, hard to touch on in a lawyer game). This game is so hard to tell what the writers originally meant, both beacause of it being looked at through translations and it being written in the 2000s (like how fruity they 'accidentally' made them in the first game lol) so that's not an angle I can look at this from.

So, to recap, he

had all his past dredged up, obviously very painful

he is open about talking about it, but doesn't show the true extent of how it effects him

has a knife in his car that no one has any real theories on why he has it (and the blood)

There is traces of blood on his office floor

he has spent his entire life punishing himself, and then can't forgive himself for it

he then chooses death

when he comes back, he repeatedly projects onto Adrian Andrews

No wonder he's always saying Phoenix "saved him" he sure needed a bit of saving.

This poor, poor man. His story arc is so beautiful to me.

[desultory-novice]

Dess the prophet holy moly

Fr got hit with the Apollo prophecy dodgeball

Wait AM I a prophet...???

Dodgeball is when you try NOT to get hit, right? Because I think that's what happened here! XD

I threw a lot of wild mass guesses out there, but I can't remember if I actually got anything right. I got the last boss crazy wrong! But I'm not even disappointed?! (The remake is so good omg!)

Anyway, there'll be some asks going up today and tomorrow (both for the game and a few unrelated - but still kind of related - ones)

Note that I have AVOIDED reading anyone else's discussions about the game to keep my thoughts on this experience as much my own as possible. So if some of the stuff you see is stuff people have already figured out/jossed/etc, or I ignore something that everyone else is going crazy over (probably because I totally missed seeing it (1) in which case, poke me and I'll check it out) that's why!

--

(1) [True Arena Last Fight Spoilers]

Like how I nearly missed the fact that Magolor is almost constantly, tearfully, weakly crying out "Kir...by..." in his own voice the whole time you're fighting him in his last phase.

Rather, I kind of heard it, but it was so late at night and my brain was going crazy trying not to die that I wrote it off as a hallucination! Had to see everyone in the JP fandom going crazy over it on my timeline before I went back to double check on Youtube...!

...

...

:breaks down into tears over Magolor again:

...You know, I feel as if I DID mention something off-handed about "lol wouldn't it be funny if HAL added in Magolor crying during the Soul fight" and THEY DID so maybe I'm a prophet after all??

[charlesemersonwinchesteriii]

For dating game: Donna Noble for a non Mash option from something I'm pretty sure I've seen you reblog stuff from, BJ, and Klinger

I can't believe I got 2 Donnas for this game and neither were the MASH one haha. And yes I AM a Doctor Who fan but like with Twin Peaks I'm only a shallow fake one because I only feel really passionate about RTD era :( sowwy again. I'm 0 for 2 today. But at least I didn't skip MASH s1-3 AND I didn't skip the 9th Doctor AND I read Laura's diary + Dale Cooper's tapes. So now everyone has to give me a little headpat and forgive me and say they're not mad at me thank you <3

Donna Noble

I couldn’t handle Donna QwQ I couldn’t match her energy it’s very sad :( I feel like I would do the exact opposite of what the Doctor did for her in terms of bringing out her most amazing qualities. And I do really try to highlight and praise the qualities of people in my life!! I just don’t know if I could help her reach her full potential. Which sounds like one of those weird therapy-talk approaches to relationships but unfortunately sometimes when you really admire someone you actually do start thinking about things like “am I supporting her journey effectively” and all that. But this is just a date right so it can just be a casual thing. I feel like Donna is someone with whom I could straight up be like Hey so I was never socialized properly and your last relationship ended comically terribly so do you want to like try practicing dating with each other? I think it could be fun! And then eventually she could move on to find happiness with Mr. Temple :)  

Wait actually sorry quick tangent if Donna doesn’t remember the Doctor what does she think happened to her fiance from way back when. Does she. Does she remember the giant alien spider or. Hang on--

BJ Hunnicutt

BJ Hunnicutt is the human equivalent of Disneyland. Everybody in the entire nation is absolutely obsessively feral over it it’s sooo beautiful it’s sooo fun you just HAVE to experience it it’s a quintessential expression of the American dream blah blah blah. But I will never attend this overpriced (constantly borrowing money) and overcrowded (too much competition from the rest of Mashblr) theme park. I do not care for its fastpass system (willingness to cheat on his partner) or its uninspiring coaster design (anger issues), and I am further offended to hear of the constant introduction of cost-cutting measures that harm visitor experience (growth of mustache). Not even the prospect of purchasing a fully functioning Cogsworth clock (chance to join the Punnihawk polycule) is enough to tempt me. It’s not happening. I am going to Dollywood (Maxwell Klinger).

Maxie my beautiful girl Maxie whomst is so very adored by me

My wife my kitten my sweet snuggly wuggly good time gal. My Dollywood. Know that I love and adore Maxwell for eternity <3

BUT. I must love her from afar because I couldn’t in good conscience waste her time when I figure there must be a more compatible match out there, ya know? Like, I know hardly anything about baseball and I wear the same clothes every day and I don’t eat red meat so I can’t even share those beloved hotdogs. Max deserves the Best as I’m sure we all agree, and we know he wants a serious long term partnership. I want the same thing, so I know that such a lifelong, committed relationship should be with someone who finds themself more easily compatible with Max’s tastes and interests.  

On an unrelated note, Charles sure seemed to get super into baseball in War For All Seasons, huh? :) And we know he cares a lot about his clothes, as we see him hiring a personal tailor at least once! :) And he was surprisingly eager to get to share in Max’s hotdog delivery in The Grim Reaper, too! :) So many random fun facts in this world \^w^/

[incesthemes]

final thoughts: supernatural season 2

finished season 2 this morning and it ended on a great note. i like the ending a lot more than i liked s1's, since it felt more natural and less contrived. the buildup to it was awesome, and the setup for season 3 is clear and motivating!

i think my biggest criticism of s2 is the pacing. it really wasn't bad, all things considered, but there were a few episodes i thought just didn't belong in the sequence they were. where s1 had this continual forward momentum going, s2 had occasional abrupt stops. example, the tonal difference between ep12 nightshifter and ep13 houses of the holy felt massive. nightshifter amps up the police subplot, ending with them worried about being implicated in another crime and therefore being on more police radars. houses of the holy kinda ignores that and has very little follow-up to them needing to lay low. it's only really brought up again when they're talking to henrickson and he mentions that they were flying under the radar up until now—which is all well and good, but that should have been felt after all of that happened. instead what we got felt more like a reset button where things went back to normal for them. a very "business as usual" case, as if they weren't being pursued by the law.

there were a few other negligible cases where i got a bit tired of binge-watching the series, which honestly didn't really happen in s1. so the pacing was a bit slower overall. nothing that was super obvious, but it did have its bumps.

but really, that's my only real criticism of it. i think the plots were strong this season, and the tension built really naturally over the course of it. if i had to wish for anything, it would have been development, of any kind, for sam's psychic powers—or otherwise the active rejection of that development. where the other psychics were growing their powers or gaining increasing command over them, sam remains oddly stagnant, which is something i wouldn't expect considering he's put into high-stress situations so often. if it's a matter of accepting the powers, then it would have been nice to see him struggle more with it. they just weren't very prevalent until they were relevant, which was fine in season 1 because they were still trying to figure out what the hell was going on, but now that they have an idea it felt more like things should be Happening with sam. maybe they will in season 3? honestly i can't remember, i watched it a decade ago.

the last 3 episodes of the season were honestly really great though. i love how all three of them play into each other, even though the A plot of ep20 is relatively unrelated to the season finale. it set dean up perfectly for his struggle in ep22 and gave weight to his wishing the world to burn without sam in it. hit right in the gut with all the context of who dean is as a person and what his wishes and desires are.

i still love the commitment to camp in this show and the way they use camp in a unique way that doesn't really come to mind when you think of camp. it gives the show its identity and the fact that the writers and actors don't shy away from it really makes it a great watch. there are some seriously funny episodes in this season, and it makes me even more excited for the funny episodes i know are coming up. gabriel/loki/whatever was especially a hit and i love the interesting storytelling format of that episode. the addition of new psychics was great, and i liked how different their personalities were and how they so clearly conveyed the ways they coped with their powers. they create a wonderful backdrop for sam, and it all came together well for the finale.

overall a great season—it had a few hiccups, but the tension and buildup was really good, and most of the episodes did a fine job at following up on the previous developments and keeping the momentum going. super excited to start on season 3 :)

[allthemusic]

Week ending: 4 June 1953

Another week, another film instrumental. This time, by our old friend Mantovani, who previously has appeared with a version of White Christmas. This is less festive, but no less cliché (in a mostly good way, I think?)

The Song from Moulin Rouge - Mantovani (peaked at No. 1)

First thing to get out of the way: that is not a song title. That is how you describe the song when you can't remember the song title. Come on, you can do better than this!!

A very quick google tells me the song is called "It's April Again", which actually fits the rhythm of the opening line with the accordion. Apparently it's also called "Where is Your Heart", although that phrase is never used in the lyrics that this song originally, in the film, had. They were lip-synched by Zsa Zsa Gabor, but guess who actually sang them? If you said Muriel Smith from last week, you would be correct! Perhaps this is why she also got a hit last week? People liked this song from the film enough that they went out and bought other songs by her, and also this Mantovani cover version of the main theme. Huh.

Second thing to mention, then, with that out the way: it's very French. Very Parisian, in fact. Even if I didn't know this was the song from Moulin Rouge, I would immediately know where this film was set. Which I guess is good sound-painting? The accordion and the strummy chords on the guitar immediately summon up street performers in the French capital. It's got a sort of bohemian charm that's very likeable.

Once the accordion intro has passed, we get a few more of Mantovani's signature strings, and the sound gets fleshed out a bit. The accordion never quite goes away, though, and it's a fairly low-key affair throughout, no huge orchestral swell or anything.

I love the moment maybe thirty seconds towards the end, when the whole piece just pauses and hangs on a note before carrying on. It feels very evocative, somehow, and I do like it. A little, restrained moment.

The film is about Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, bumming around 1890s Montmartre. There looks like there are complicated, torrid affairs with dancers, lots of people getting drunk, multiple suicide attempts, and a tragic ending. I kind of want to watch this film, not least because I find the turn-of-the-century scene in France fascinating. It's such an interesting vibe, and the film genuinely looks quite good. One for the list, I guess?

It doesn't look to have much to do with the 2001 musical, but it also doesn't seem completely unrelated. I think I remember Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec being in that film too, at least? Hmm, perhaps another one for a re-watch...

I listened to this song quite a lot and genuinely still enjoyed it by the end, which is more than I can say for any of last week's songs. The melody carried me along well, and I found myself anticipating its peaks and quite points quite eagerly. This is very much a point in Mantovani's favour. Plus, it did its job, I do actually want to watch the film now!

Ma chanson préférée de la bande: The Song from Moulin Rouge

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

It is so important to find a good therapist. It truly is.

Personal vent about my therapist moral of the story is if you think something's weird, it is 💀

This dude..

For one, bro like plain doesn't take notes which would be fine if he remembered like... ANYTHING I said. I said I took pills, he asked what kind, I said dph, dude said oh that has alcohol in it then diagnosed me with mild alcohol abuse COMPLETELY UNRELATED TO WHAT TF I JUST EXPLAINED just cause I said I drink on rare occasions. Like mf.. I drink so little you can't even count it against me. It's so few and far between. Single digits per year probably. And I'm around my family when I'm drinking so it's not like they'd let me get blackout drunk anyway. Why diagnose me off of that instead of the fucking addiction that ACTUALLY impacted my life?

But I'm like okay maybe that's a technicality thing that's not fair to him.

So then I keep on coming. Everyday i come in and he has me fill out this depression and anxiety screening form. I think its weird since it's just a screening form and he's already diagnosed me with anxiety and major depressive disorder.. so why are you screening me twice a week.... we've already established that i have it. But what makes it sting is how he sits there and compare the numbers everytime as if that's the end all be all of whether or not I'm still struggling. I swear this one time I marked a few 2s instead of 3s and after scoring a whopping 2 points lower than my previous one, he was all talking bout oh see I think therapy is good for you you're already seeing improvements. Like nigga. Do you understand how mental illness works..? It's a general screening form. That I'm filling out. TWOOOO. TIMES. A. WEEK. If I filled it out like it's printed I'd have the exact same answers every single time. What's the point of screening me that often?

But I'm like okay cool. Maybe that's protocol and I just know from here on I have to do it by the letter. Doesn't matter if it's completely useless atp.

So then he started having me do "meditation" in the beginning that lasts like 10 mins. It gets so aggravating after like 3 but I'm thinking maybe he's dragging it that long cause I'm really seeming restless. So I try to sit completely still and breathe like I'd expect him to want me to. But then he goes on and on and on to the point where Im opening my eyes and just scanning the room atp. Just bored. And dude still got his eyes closed breathing

🥲

He finally just pissed me off today when I said I ghosted all my friends a while ago and haven't spoken to anyone in a while. And dude later gon ask me if I have any non alcoholic friends Ive talked to this week. Like okay. Fuck off. It's not even a thing of you just forgetting after having patient after patient! YOURE JUST NOT LISTENING. I said i ghosted my friends 2 weeks ago WITHINNN this one hour long appointment. Did you really not care to remember that? Did that not ring any alarm bells? And I can't think of a single scenario where it'd be acceptable. If you don't know what ghosting is, ask. If you didn't hear me, ask. If you don't understand why I did it, ask. You don't get to brush past that as a professional. Why am I even here if we're just repeating the same questions over and over again with you only paying attention to the parts that you care to talk about?

AND IM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC

Fuck this dude. I have two more appointments scheduled that I'm not gonna bother to slither out of. I'll say it'll be my strike two and three appointments. If I still feel no different towards him, I won't schedule anymore. I feel like ive given too many chances atp. But at the same point, maybe it really was an off day every other time I've had other paperwork to fill out too which maybe effected the quality of the appointments. I think it's only fair to have a few test appointments lmao. Plus I have a psych evaluation coming up so I don't wanna stop going and have dude take back his referral 💀💀

Wait... damn. I only have the strike three appointment my fucking jobbbbb. Whatever ig. I want to just miss but I'm not gonna bother. I'm gonna bring it up tho. Maybe he'll learn from it and be better for other people

I think that was too fundamental of a problem to come back from. I only have one hour a week to somehow someway stop being angry at him? And to start trusting dude again at that. I still get bitter over my friends bs how tf do I find the positive to make me stick around when it's just some random dude.

Oh well that and the first appointment I had with him?

Dude said talk therapy doesn't usually work for people with long term issues like mine.

I shoulda just took the hint and dipped. Wanted to give dude the benefit of doubt so bad.. 😑

Okay nvm never going back did not realize I wasn't even following my own damn advice. Why was I still gonna give him more chances

[bluemanedhawk]

This Did Not Go Well

Frankly, most of the reason that i'm posting this followup is so that i can get back to using this account properly, as having this post as my most recent post is operating as a sort of block for anything that isn't significant.

I know from experience that deadlines don't work for me. I did not consider this to be a form of deadline—and in fairness, it really isn't. It shares some similarities with deadlines, but i can't consider it to be one. What it is is that it was made with an unfair assumption in mind that things wouldn't go wrong—i should have been more certain about that before posting this.

When i made this post, i was expecting to have things to follow it through with. That much is clear. Unfortunately, i don't have the strongest memory, so i can't really remember what it was that i was planning on posting about—i only have hypotheses.

First off, i can say with confidence that i haven't done nothing. However, the primary thing that i've done is something that i can't share to the world yet for what are quite frankly exceptionally silly reasons. (To those who have been paying weirdly specific attention, if you exist at all: it's not that thing or the thing in that thing—those are both merely incidental.) What exists of that thing now is equivalent to a dangling pointer, except that it's pointing to where something is going to be instead of where something used to be. (There must be a term for that.)

There are two other things that i wanted to do. One of them i remember deciding against doing for a while before i posted the previous post due to events that were, at the time, recent. (Events that are, as of right now, recent mean that i can't just phrase that as ‘recent events’ without increasing the probability of people coming to wrong conclusions. Worse still is that calling them ‘events that were recent at the time’ is also innaccurate, because i'd still call them ‘recent events’ now. When i say that i hate euphemism, it goes both ways—i hate needing to use euphemisms instead of being perfectly transparent because they're frustrating to come up with in a way that will be most likely to make the most sense to the most people.)

The other of the two other things (there were actually three, but i don't count the third one because ⓐ i actually have done it and 2. it's small enough that i wouldn't really count it anyway) is a more complicated journey to explain that will require me to talk in such a way that it will seem like i'm talking about something entirely unrelated first.

I have this piece of software that i'm trying to write. It has not been going well for a while, but at last i had thought that i had reached the end of setting up all the boilerplate and was ready to start actually solving the problems involved in actually designing the piece of software. (Side note: i've recently realized that a lot of this boilerplate code is actually transferable to a certain other different software project of mine.)

Unfortunately, i had decided that i was going to use Vulkan for the project. (Since it's a 2D project, this might seem weird, so to explain: i was going to use it for compute shaders.) It turns out that i had vastly underestimated just how much of a mess that damn API is. Worse, it's not even a consistent mess that can be cleaned up with macros like the Wayland API is. I frankly think that it's an API that only pretends to be a low-level GPU API, like how RISC-V only pretends to be a computer architecture. The Vulkan API feels like something that was never meant to actually be used, only to exist as this hypothetical pure ideal of optimalness, like the Haskell programming language. It feels like a tool that's meant to be used to sell abstraction layers on top of it that people are forced to use instead of the actual API because the actual API is an impenetrable byzantine labyrinth too complicated to be actually usable (or implementable) by anyone, like the modern web.

D'ya wanna know how bad the Vulkan API is‽ It's so bad that it threw me into a crisis! At some points, i was feeling like throwing out all of the code that i had already written as “boilerplate” (despite having found the results of using it to be useful multiple times in the past!) and rewriting the entire damn project for a completely different operating system! That's how bad the Vulkan API is!

That crisis is what has occupied a significant proportion of my time since my initial post and has prevented me from getting actually useful work on the things that i actually want to do done.

Now, to finish off that story: Suffice it to say, i am not going to be using Vulkan for that project. Instead, i've figured out a way that i can actually properly use OpenGL directly with Wayland instead of going through the middleman of GLFW (because i am definitely not going back to that shit); therefore, the project will use OpenGL on top of EGL on top of Wayland. (If i could make this ordeal simpler, i would.) Setting this all up should be pretty simple, and once i've gotten all the boilerplate done (for real this time!) i'll merge the branch that i though was going to be the branch where i was going to actually get stuff done and open a new branch in which i can actually get stuff done.

However, i make no promises—because, quite frankly, i am done making promises that i don't need to, at least until i've forgotten this event that has caused me to reject making any further promises, because that's how these things tend to work. The most i can really say is that i want to do things eventually, which is something that is so obvious that it never needed stating in the first place.

So that's the update on the update. I was expecting this to be longer, but i suppose it seems that this is one of those times where i've had enough time to write a shorter letter.

Coming Soon

I do not say this lightly, but i will be doing things. Updates are on the way. Watch this space.

[faemytho]

Vampire/Sparkling

"Please put me out of my misery already and kiss me."

(Send me a prompt) and a ship and I'll write you a drabble!

ohoho!!! >:3c this is such a good one. side note that is unrelated to anything: its my birthday today! sparkvamp is thematically appropriate for this lol

cw: mentions of alcohol, bc this is sparkling and vamp, lol

word count: 972

Sparkling's bar always cleared out around this time of night, when he gave the last call for drinks. Cookies were tired, inebriated or full of food, happy to stumble their ways home in the early hours of morning. Maybe a few would stay in the bar for a few moments longer, straggling and pushing the time and finishing their drinks until Sparkling officially closed the building.

Vampire was frequently one of these stragglers, and quite often did he stay in the bar until closing, making conversation with Sparkling. Whatever mood he happened to be in, Sparkling was subject to, and whether the day had treated him kindly or not, Sparkling didn't mind hearing about it. Vampire always treated the bartender fairly, tipping generously and immediately paying off whatever tab he might have accumulated between the nights he was too drunk out of his mind to remember to pay.

Tonight, Vampire hadn't made much conversation, content to stare after Sparkling as he worked. The staring wasn't unusual for Vampire to do, but what was odd was his silence. Sparkling did not typically initiate conversation with customers unless they were silent, and he thought they needed a little push to get whatever thoughts were in their heads sorted out. Vampire was not this customer. Rather, Vampire was loud, opinionated, and Sparkling had become so adept at deciphering the increasingly slurred words of his friend that they could carry a conversation right up until closing. Sparkling never needed to initiate conversation with Vampire, because Vampire would do it for him.

Tonight was different.

Sparkling could feel Vampire's eyes on him throughout the evening, the heat of the other's gaze almost burning his hands as he mixed drinks for customers and cleaned glasses and took payment the same way he did every night. The bartender didn't think he'd ever seen Vampire so quiet before, and other than opening his mouth to give Sparkling his order, Vampire was silent.

It was odd. Vampire's gaze lingered on his hands, those lidded eyes trailing up to rest on his face, and yet he didn't say a word. Sparkling kept waiting for the other to speak, but as the night dragged on, nothing was said.

Last call for drinks came and went, and Sparkling lost himself in the usual last minute bustle of other cookies for long enough to forget the odd way Vampire had been acting. It was only after most of the crowd had cleared out that he recalled the weird behavior of his friend, and wondered.

He turned to Vampire again, his brow furrowed and arms crossed. The other man was laying on the surface of the bar now, his cheek squished against the black fabric of his sleeves. Those wine dark, violet eyes were still fixed on him, half lidded with either exhaustion or alcohol. Sparkling could never really tell.

"Alright," Sparkling finally said, initiating the conversation for the first time since Vampire had first waltzed his way through the doors of the bar. Vampire had always spoken first, but tonight, Sparkling would. "You've been silent all night. Something wrong?"

Vampire's eyes slid up to his, something Sparkling couldn't quite see flickering in the depths of wine dark purple. The other man didn't move for a moment, simply gazing at him, and Sparkling furrowed his brow deeper.

"Ugh, I can't do this," Vampire groaned, turning his face down into his arms and breaking his gaze. Sparkling paused, raising a brow, but the other man, as he usually was, wasn't done speaking. "Please put me out of my misery already and kiss me."

The world in all its peaceful existence ground to a halt, and Sparkling did too.

"I didn't give you that much to drink tonight, did I?" Sparkling found himself asking, though he knew that either way, Vampire's words were sincere. Sparkling had never met another cookie who could hold their alcohol the way Vampire could.

"I've been trying to figure out how to say something all night," Vampire continued to whine, the words muffled into the wood of the bar and the silk of his sleeves. Sparkling could barely breathe. "Never found a good opening, couldn't figure out how to say it, and I think I'm pretty smooth when I wanna be, but you're... something else, Sparkling. You make a man forget how to speak."

Sparkling stared, Vampire's words washing over him in waves of disbelief and warmth. That his friend had been silent all night, choking on the right words to say to him, it stole his breath away. He had his doubts, but something told him that Vampire was genuine. Something told him that these words weren't just the product of a lonely man having had too much to drink and wanting company for the night.

Vampire lifted his head a little, just enough to peek up at Sparkling with one dark purple eye that was far too vulnerable to be anything but sincere. It was enough for him.

Sparkling stepped closer, unfolding his arms from where they had been crossed across his chest. Vampire lifted his head, sitting up, and Sparkling reached over the bar to cup his cheeks. Gently, careful of the empty glasses nearby, he leaned over the bar as well, and pressed a soft kiss to Vampire's forehead.

"It's late," Sparkling said carefully, pulling back and meeting Vampire's hopeful gaze. "You're drunk, and I have to shut down the bar. But find me tomorrow before I open, when you're not drunk, and I'll kiss you properly. Okay?"

Looking positively starstruck, Vampire nodded once. Sparkling smiled, enjoying the soft feeling of Vampire's skin against his hands before they slipped away. Vampire gave a little sigh, a small, dopey smile on his face, and melted into the bar, watching Sparkling finish up for the night.

Tomorrow couldn't come soon enough.

[helloalycia]

a bitch [one] // leigh shaw

summary: you're used to leigh's constant mood swings and unpredictability, but didn't expect she'd ever do something to hurt you like she did.

warning/s: cheating

author's note: an angsty leigh shaw imagine was requested, so here we are! there's one more part to this so enjoy 😊

part two | masterlist | wattpad

Leigh Shaw could be a very unpredictable woman.

Ever since the unfortunate death of her husband, Matt, she'd become very erratic. It was hard to remember what she was like before he died, but then she'd flash me a smile and say something adorable and I remembered. Other times though, she could be as explosive as they came. If you ever got swept up in her mood swings, you'd be screwed.

Despite this, I remained by her side. That's what best friends did. Even when she yelled at me or gave me the cold shoulder or treated me like dirt, I stayed because I knew that was what she needed.

One time, a few months after Matt's death, I was stopping by to see how she was. A prime example of the cold effect she could have on people.

I raised my hand to knock, but the door suddenly swung open, revealing a peeved Jules and a pissed Leigh further behind her in the hallway.

"Hey," I greeted her sister with a smile, but she moved past me moodily. I glanced at Leigh before catching Jules' arm, stopping her. "What happened?"

Jules smiled bitterly. "You know, you should reconsider where you put your care, Y/N. Some people just aren't worth it."

At that last part, she glared over my shoulder, no doubt at Leigh. I turned to look at Leigh, who merely stuck a middle finger up at her sister before storming towards to the kitchen.

"What a bitch," Jules mumbled, making me wince because it was such a horrible word.

Jules shook me off before marching to her car to leave. I sighed and turned around to let myself in to their house. Closing the door behind me, I followed after Leigh and found her making toast in the kitchen angrily.

"Hey," I began softly, not wanting to give her another reason to get pissed off. Sitting on a stool at the island, I asked, "What happened?"

She forced a smile as she grabbed her toast from the toaster and dropped it on a plate. "My sister can't respect my space is all."

I pursed my lips awkwardly, watching as she grabbed butter from the fridge. Noticing my silence, she glanced up at me through her eyelashes.

"What?" she deadpanned, pausing from her actions.

"I don't think Jules is trying to upset you," I began, knowing I'd probably regret it. "I'm sure she understands you want space, but she loves you. And when you see someone you love hurting, you feel like you have to do something."

A sour smile broke out on her face as she scoffed. "Wow. Could you have your head stuck any further up Jules' arse?"

"Leigh, that's not what I'm–"

"What the hell are you even doing here?" she snapped. "I didn't invite you, Y/N."

Tensing my jaw, I refrained from getting annoyed. "Believe it or not, I actually wanted to check on you."

She curled her lips into a frown. "Well, I'm fine."

As if to prove that she was, she continued to butter her toast, but when she set her knife down, it slipped off the edge of the table and clattered to the floor. Frustrated, she slammed a fist on the countertop.

"It's okay, I'll–"

"Just get out," she cut me off when I was making a move to help her. I paused, wondering if she meant it, then her deadly green glare settled on my face. "Leave."

Sighing with defeat, I nodded and wordlessly left.

—

Sometimes Leigh wouldn't apologise. She'd act like nothing had happened and we'd move on. Other times, she actually would, surprisingly recognising that she'd done something wrong.

There was this one time when I'd invited her over for the evening to eat dinner and watch some films. The dinner went perfectly fine – we talked, we laughed, we spent time together – but then when we settled in the living room to watch a film, things started to unravel.

I can't remember exactly what she'd said. One second we were choosing a film on Netflix, then she was trying to make plans with me on the weekend. Unfortunately, I already had plans with my girlfriend, Alex, and Leigh didn't seem to like this. She'd made a comment under her breath and though I don't remember it specifically, I knew it wasn't polite.

Before I knew it, we were screaming at each other, arguing over the dumbest things. It started off being about my girlfriend and then the most unrelated stuff was being brought up on both of our ends. Sometimes she could be so aggravating, managing to rile me up and bring the worst out in me. The argument lasted a few minutes before she left, leaving me seething and full of hurt.

It was the following day at work when she came to see me next. I owned a café a few doors down from her mother's dance studio and was working a shift when her sister came through the front door.

I smiled at her when she approached the counter dressed in gym gear, her usual getup when at work with her family.

"Hey, how're you doing, Jules?" I asked.

"I'm good," she greeted with a smile, before it faded. "Just a warning, Y/N, Leigh is incoming in one minute. She wants to apologise."

Eyes rolling with mild annoyance, I let out a sigh. As dreadful as our spat was last night, I knew I had to also apologise to her. I'd said some hurtful things that made me feel all icky inside. Going to sleep after a fight was never a nice feeling.

"I don't know how you've put up with her for this long," Jules commented, picking up a cupcake from the display. "She can be so horrible to you."

I frowned, not feeling comfortable talking badly of Leigh behind her back. "That's not fair, Jules. You know what she's going through."

Jules gave me a knowing look. "I do, but that doesn't give her a free pass to treat you like she does."

Shrugging, I busied myself with cleaning up the crumbs from Jules' cupcake and giving her a plate.

"I take it you're going to forgive her then," she stated, though she definitely knew the answer judging from her expression.

"We both said some things we shouldn't have," I tried to explain so it didn't seem like I was giving in so easily, which deep down, I definitely knew I was, but Leigh was worth it.

Jules chuckled. "Yep, you're forgiving her. Looks like it's Leigh's lucky day."

I didn't say anything as she picked up the plate, ready to take a seat at one of the tables. Just as she was about to leave, she paused thoughtfully.

"You know, if you didn't have a girlfriend already, I'd say you were whipped," she said casually.

Ignoring her words, I watched her take her a seat on one of the spare tables. She made jokes like that a lot, but the truth was that I would probably do anything for Leigh. We'd been best friends since university – that was way too long to simply throw away our friendship because she was going through a tough time. And yes, the girlfriend talk threw me off at times... by the time I'd realised I liked Leigh as more than a friend, she was engaged. And I got over it, but Jules continued with the jokes and I continued to dismiss it.

As Jules warned, Leigh entered the café and caught my eyes with a nervous smile. I returned it, just as nervous as she looked, before watching her approach the counter. She was dressed in gym gear, like her sister, but a fine layer of sweat coated her skin which made me think she may have just finished teaching a class.

"Hey," she said with a rare gentleness to her voice. Her hands rested on the counter, fumbling slightly, before she put them by her sides instead. "How are you?"

Uncomfortably, I played with a loose thread on my apron. "I've been better, not gonna lie."

She exhaled regretfully. "I want to apologise, Y/N. Last night... it wasn't fair what I did. Just snapping at you like that."

I didn't know what to say, so I stayed quiet and avoided her eyes.

"I just get so angry sometimes," she admitted, noticing I wouldn't speak. She sounded exhausted and I looked up to see her running a hand through her hair. "I can't explain it. My anger at you wasn't about Alex or the plans, it was just me."

"It's because you're still hurting," I told her what I'd observed, shoulders relaxing. "And you're not very good at expressing that."

She shook her head, eyes drifting to the till distractedly. "I should be because I keep hurting the people I love."

My heart ached at the devastation in her voice and I put my hand out, motioning for her to take it. Thankfully, she did and I squeezed hers gently.

"Look, let's just forget it happened," I said with a small smile. "I... I didn't exactly say the nicest of things either."

She grimaced, letting go of my hand. "No, I get why you said it. It wasn't fair of me to just start on you like that. You were just defending your girlfriend... God, I can be such a bitch sometimes."

I winced at the word, it grating my ears. "That's not true, Leigh."

"It is." She nodded slowly, rolling her eyes. "Everybody thinks it. Including you."

"I don't think that," I said with creased brows, meeting her saddened eyes. "You're not a bitch. I've never once thought that."

"Really?" She raised a brow, smiling with defeat. "Not even that time when I stole your doughnuts after that fight we had two weeks ago?"

I shook my head. "Nope."

"Not even when I snapped at you for no reason the other day when you tried to help me write my article?"

"Not even then."

Her expression softened with guilt. "Not even when I called you a selfish jerk last night for not wanting to spend time with me even though you have a life of your own?"

I rounded the counter and stopped before her, looking between her guilt-ridden eyes. "Especially not then, Leigh."

She breathed out quietly and I pulled her in for a hug, glad when I felt her relax beneath me. Her arms clasped around my waist and I was glad we were good again.

—

It was a year later when Leigh and I eventually got together as a couple. It was a long time after I broke up with my girlfriend and it was completely unexpected.

I'd invited Leigh to be my 'date' to my mum's birthday party, since the two had gotten on so well in the past. She was happy to oblige, but as soon as we arrived, her mood changed.

I was helping collect the pizzas from the delivery guy when he started to flirt with me. At the time, I didn't even realise, but I knew that Leigh had acted different since it happened. When I finally confronted her about her sudden mood swing, she proceeded to make out with me completely unexpectedly and then admitted she was in love with me.

I'm not gonna lie, it was a good time. Since breaking up with my girlfriend, I'd been single and falling for my best friend all over again. Leigh making the first move was all I'd needed to finally share how I felt, too.

That was six months ago, and since then, we'd been going strong. Of course, there were still times when she had her mood swings and took it out on me (and literally everyone else) without realising, but it wasn't anything I couldn't handle. I was used to it, used to her. So much that I should have trusted her even when presented with conflicting evidence.

We were at her workplace, Basically News, where she wrote columns part-time. It was a work party she'd been invited to and she'd asked me to be her date, which of course I said yes to. At the moment, we may or may not have been a little tipsy as we stood in the corner, drinking from flutes of champagne.

"Thank you again for coming here tonight as my date," Leigh said with a grin, arms laced around my neck as she held me close.

Pressing a kiss to my lips briefly, she pulled away and left my head spinning, and not just because of the alcohol.

"Any excuse to not be on the closing shift at work is good enough for me," I said playfully, resting my hands behind her waist.

She gasped. "Oh? So it wasn't me who persuaded you to come tonight?"

I pulled a face, feigning forgetfulness. "Hmm, I'm not too sure. Maybe you'll have to remind me why I agreed to come."

She bit her lip to contain her grin, eyes flickering to my lips. Leaning in, her lips met mine and I closed my eyes, enjoying the way she combed her hand through my hair and tilted my head towards her so she could get better access. She was a really good kisser and she knew the effect she had on me as I felt her smirk into it, catching her breath, before chasing down my lips and nibbling on them temptingly.

Remembering where we were, I gently pushed her back and tried to contain my smile. "Make it PG, Leigh. You're at work."

She licked her lips and began to laugh, green eyes darting between mine. "You're just so cute."

I rolled my eyes playfully. "I don't want everyone here knowing how irresistible you are or they might try to steal you away."

Her laughter filled the air, making my stomach flip at the sound.

"Though I think they may already know that because of how sexy you look tonight," I added, eyes fluttering down her body to appreciate just how well she pulled off her fitted black dress.

She raised her brows with surprise, making me mirror her expression comically.

Leaning close to my ear, she said above a whisper, "D'you wanna know something not-so-sexy?"

Her breath tickled my ear and sent shivers down my spine, making me tense up slightly. Judging from the expression on her face, she was very much aware of what she was doing to me.

"What?" I asked with amusement.

"I really need to pee," she said, and I began to laugh because she did, too, and I knew she wasn't kidding. Pressing a kiss to my cheek, she added, "I'll be right back."

Letting go of me, she waved goodbye before going to the toilets. I busied myself with getting to know her colleagues whilst I waited, until five minutes had passed and I realised she still hadn't returned. Deciding to check on her, I headed in the direction of the toilets, only to freeze when I saw something I definitely wasn't expecting.

Leigh was kissing another girl outside of them.

It was her colleague, Abby, that was the first thing I noticed. But I didn't stay to make out anything more as I immediately turned around and walked away, trying to make my brain catch up to what I'd just seen.

Leigh was kissing somebody else. Somebody that wasn't me. Somebody who I had always suspected had a thing for her, but I never considered that maybe Leigh had a thing for her, too.

Definitely not tipsy anymore, I found the nearest table and took a seat, trying not to assume the worst. But how else could I perceive what I'd just seen? It could have been a mistake, though I was so shocked and hurt and angry that I couldn't imagine how. Maybe she'd explain herself to me. Or maybe she'd tell me what actually happened. Maybe.

Leigh returned not long after, finding me at the table. Smiling like nothing had happened, she pulled me up and led me to dance. Not once, for the remainder of the evening, did she suggest that anything was out of the ordinary, nor did she explain herself. And I couldn't help but wonder how I had the worst luck with women.

This one hurt way more than the last time because it wasn't just anyone – it was Leigh.

—

A year and a half ago:

"Danny mentioned the breakdown you had last week because they didn't have doughnuts, so I, er, brought you these just in case."

Leigh cracked a small smile in the passenger's seat before accepting the box I held out to her. I'd just parked up outside the place where she went to her grief counselling group, having offered to drop her off. It had only been a few months since Matt died, but sometimes, the old Leigh shone back through and it made me feel hopeful that she'd make it through this.

"Thank you," she said genuinely, fingers wavering on top of the box, before she lifted her gaze to meet mine. "And thanks for the ride. You didn't have to."

I shrugged, thumb tapping the steering wheel mindlessly. "I don't mind. I just wanna make sure you get here okay."

She sighed, shaking her head, though a ghost of a smile was on her lips.

"Text me when you're done and I'll be happy to pick you up, too," I added casually.

"Thanks," she repeated, though didn't make a move to leave my car just yet. I didn't rush her.

Sadly, the silence was broken when my phone began to ring and my girlfriend's name flashed on the screen in my car where my phone was connected to. Glancing at Leigh, I just about made out the eye-roll she did.

"Sorry," I apologised, before declining the call instantly.

"Why d'you do that? Could've been urgent," she said with a clipped tone.

Oh, no, I thought. Whenever she used that tone, it meant she was picking a fight.

"I'm here with you," I said like it was obvious, hoping that one thing didn't ruin the moment.

She tensed her jaw, looking down as her hair fell around her face. "Whatever."

Before I could think of a way to make her feel better, the screen lit up again and my ringtone echoed through the car. I winced at the glare Leigh sent to the screen. If looks could kill, my car would be toast.

Declining the call, I looked to her worriedly. "What's wrong, Leigh?"

Her glare fell to me. "Why the hell do you keep declining it? She's calling you for a reason."

I raised my eyebrows. "Because I'm here with you? Alex can wait. I'm taking you to grief group."

"Well, I'm here at grief group," she mocked, turning to face me with an unexplainable frustration.

I didn't understand why she was so touchy all of a sudden. The car ride here, she'd been fine. Just a moment ago, she'd been fine. But now... now she was acting unreasonable.

My phone buzzed in my pocket suddenly, followed by a tone that signalled I had a text. Leigh smiled bitterly, rolling her eyes.

"Let me guess," she muttered. "It's her."

Still very much unable to keep up with her mood swings, I didn't answer. Her gaze snapped to mine as she stared at me with disbelief.

"Why the fuck aren't you checking it?!"

I grimaced, my own exasperation slipping out when I blurted, "I'm a little confused to what you want from me right now, Leigh!" Breathing out slowly, I said, "I'm sorry if this is bothering you. I'll turn off my phone next time."

As if I'd deeply offended her, she raised a brow incredulously. "Are you kidding me? Why would this bother me?"

Okay, I was extremely confused now.

"I don't know," I admitted, bewildered.

"Is that what you think of me? Some clingy bitch who won't let you live your life?"

I widened my eyes. "What?! Leigh! I never said–"

"Sorry if taking me is such a task," she said abruptly, moving to put the box of doughnuts on the dashboard.

"I never said that," I told her sternly.

"You didn't have to. I know already. I'm just a burden on everyone."

She got out of the car and slammed the door shut behind her. Meanwhile, my confusion was still trying to make out what the hell just happened.

"Don't bother picking me up," she said through the open window of the passenger's door. A scowl was on her face as she added, "You should go spend time with Alex. She's probably missing you."

Breathing out, I leaned back into my seat and watched her walk away and to the entrance of the building. When she acted like this – so push and pull with her emotions – I was so conflicted. What could possibly be going on in her mind that she managed to flip everything that just happened? A complete 180?

Knowing she'd just need some time to cool off, I shook my head and focused on leaving. But then I remembered my phone went off and pulled it out to see what was so important. Aside from two missed calls from Alex, I saw I had a voicemail, too, not a text.

Grumbling fo myself, still disgruntled by Leigh's attitude, I raised the phone to my ear to have a listen, whilst hoping it wasn't actually anything life-threatening.

At first, all I could hear was some very faint laughing and vague noises, kind of like material rubbing together and breathing. I assumed Alex had left me a voicemail without even realising since I'd done that countless of times to other people, having dropped my phone in my bag without realising it was still on. But then the noises became more distinct and I made out words.

"Jake, stop messing about," a voice said, whom I instantly recognised as my girlfriend.

I furrowed my brows. Jake? Jake as in the guy she worked with Jake?

"If you stop teasing me then maybe I will," a gravelly yet devious voice responded.

My throat went dry when I heard more laughter before it went quiet. It didn't take a genius to understand what was happening, especially when the moans that followed echoed in my ear, begging me not to forget.

Unable to listen anymore, I hung up and threw my phone onto the passenger's seat. Tears welled in my eyes as I glanced over at it hesitantly, almost wishing it hadn't even existed. And as much as I didn't want to accept the glaring fact, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

She was cheating on me.

[hildshall]

The Age of Loki

12/27/21

When you are older, you wake up several times in the night, for a lot of reasons. When this happens, if you dream and remember anything about those dreams, they tend to be different ones, all unrelated to one another. At least, so it has been for me.

Last night (or rather, this morning) I had three very distinct, connected dreams in between waking up several times, all on a single topic.

That topic was Loki.

I am writing this down right now, first thing in the morning, because I believe Loki absolutely reached out to me, directly, and without question.

Note: I have never paid any special attention to Loki. I honor Loki along with the other deities and powers, but no more than that. I've never felt any kind of connection with him whatsoever.

I know Loki is popular, but he never appealed to me. Well, except for Tom Hiddleston's portrayal of the character of Loki in the Marvel movies, but I'll watch Tom Hiddleston in anything at all. He's a gifted actor and very easy on the eyes, after all.

But back to my dreams.

I do not remember the details the dreams. The theme, though, was on Loki having different faces (and yep, one was Marvel Loki). I was looking for the real Loki, as I moved through a ton of different situations and places. I really needed to find him.

Eventually, I did. Of all the faces of Loki I saw (and I want to say I saw dozens), only one stuck with me, and that one I can literally see when I close my eyes.

He appeared as a very tall man, dressed in modern clothes (think of the stereotypical movie-style "professor" clothes - browns and golds and blue, with several layers - he even wore a tie!), with a light colored overcoat (not sure if it was a trench coat or a lab coat, either way it was very long), towering over me behind my right shoulder, looking down at me with the most genuine smile. His hair was shoulder length, straight, and artificially blond (like he'd bleached it). He's thin and muscular, and when I say tall, think basketball player height, over 7 feet tall. SUPER tall.

I can still feel him standing over my right shoulder, hours after I woke up. I can see him there, in my mind's eye.

It is powerful and clear and might be the single most "supernatural" thing that has ever happened to me.

Look, I am not magical. Not one little bit. When something happens in my life that seems magical or supernatural, I always look for the mundane explanation first. Look, in "The X-Files", I identify with Scully, ok? If the mundane explanation works well, good enough for me.

So with this dream thing, it is absolutely possible it's just various things coming together in my mind and working themselves out, just like dreams typically are, and it means nothing more than that.

I just... don't FEEL like that's the case. I have a strange feeling like he's literally still standing there, and I can't shake it.

I've had two other dreams of this kind. One where I woke up with Bragi's name ringing in my ears, and one where I woke up thinking of the Berkano rune.

Those two were not as strong as this. This was incredibly clear.

The other thing I woke up thinking of, is the term "Age of Loki".

Is it that Loki is getting more powerful as more and more people discover him, learn about him and his stories, and he gains devotees? Maybe. Or maybe it's something else.

I don't know.

But what I do know, is that Loki has shown me his true face, and I'm going to have to do something about that.

I'd love to hear from you Lokeans out there, to see what you think, get your point of view on it. Thanks.

[blubberingmess]

Magnet fishing (Bucky x reader)

Summary: you have a hobby and that is magnet fishing, always expecting a few metal scraps and weird, random thingies but one thing you didn't expect at all is a man with a metal arm.

Word count: 1787

Note: I don't doubt a person with a single neodymium magnet disk could lift someone like Bucky out of a lake... possible but tough.(just an opinion)

*check out my masterlist for more shits :)*

You finally have a place you could call yours, a bit far out from the nearest village but it's fine, you like the serene atmosphere this small secluded place gives.

The said place you are talking about is just a small cabin, old but still livable. Plus, it's warm and still sturdy after years of abandonment. You got the cabin for less than what you've expected which is quite a steal.

When you decided to buy the place, the seller's eyes almost roll out from their sockets at how wide his eyes went. It got you confused and asked why, and the answer is kinda weird and also downright ridiculous.

An organization called "Hydra" once scouted the area for years a few decades ago, looking for something rather important. Up until now, rumors spreads around that what this Hydra organization were looking for is still out there.

No one dared to go anywhere near the location, not even the bravest of souls. it's a ghost story the adults tells the children whenever they got curious about the said place, that a monster is resting beneath the waters of the frozen lake-- exactly where the cabin is just a few meters away--, ready to attack the person who is stupid enough to trespass it's sanctuary.

"--Who is stupid enough to trespass it's sanctuary," the old man finished, eyes narrowing at you as he emphasized the word 'stupid'. You just nodded your head and thanked the man, grabbed the keys to the cabin and walked away.

It's not just the solitude from civilization that got you interested in this so called 'sanctuary of the unknown', it's becasue of the frozen lake - You're a magnet fisherman--woman--, a hobby of yours. It's illegal on some places so you don't do it quite often despite having a permit, also, you have your own business back in your hometown - winery.

Magnet fishing is a dirty work and most of the time leaves you with just metal scraps, nails, and a few rocks. But the satisfaction you felt is oh so great when you got something more valuable; some lost things and some antiques that values a hefty amount of cash.

So when you heard about the lake, the cabin; both a mile and a half away from the nearest village, you immediately packed all your things and bid your family and friends goodbye back in your hometown.

"Let's check this baby out!" You grinned, pulling out your newly bought neodymium magnet disk from your bag and a long nylon rope. Thankfully, some part of the lake is already melted so you don't have to break the ice yourself.

(Fun fact: neodymium magnet is the most widely used type of rare-earth magnets, also used as jewelry clasps. But they do not significantly attract gold, aluminium, and silver. Which I didn't know until I made this fic. *shrugs*)

It's been a good ten minutes and your magnet still haven't caught anything. Huffing in slight frustration, you hauled your magnet back from the water and changed your position to the other side of the lake.

Once again, throwing the magnet as far as you can and mentally pat yourself in back when it submerged quite far off from where you are standing.

It didn't took you long before you felt something stick to your magnet, a slight pull of the rope indicates it. As you tried to haul the magnet back up, you were shocked at the weight. It's almost unrelenting that you feared it'll slip off from the magnet and with a lake like this, there's a little chance your magnet will find it again.

"Easy, easy," you whispered to yourself, calming your nerves before giving a firm yet strong tug. It works as you felt the mystery metal goes unstuck to wherever it was. Carefully pulling the disk back to the surface with much more effort than you would've though, you finally caught a glimpse of metal - a bit rusty but still shiny looking.

Slowly, you took a step forward all while still gathering the rope and almost stumble down on the thick snow when you noticed what the metal is; a hand. It didn't stop you as you kept on pulling, to the point where the hand finally hits the snow and realized that it's not just a hand.

It's okay, you thought to yourself. It's just an arm shaped metal, must be from a statue.

But you are wrong. As you cautiously walked towards it, you catch sight of something that makes your heart jumps out from your chest and it's definitely not in a good way.

The metal arm that you thought was just from a statue is actually connected to a person; a man - a dead, frozen man

"Holy shit!"

You gulped, staring down at the frozen corpse in front of you. From his chest down still submerged in the cold, icy water. The cold air seeping through your thick clothes yet your palms are sweating as you stand there not knowing what to do, hands tightly wrapped on the nylon rope, just staring at a dead man with a metal for an arm.

This is terrifying, you need to call the police. You mentally groaned remembering that there's no signal around here, but you have your snowmobile so you could use that instead.

Contemplating if you should make a run for it and call the cops from the village or just kick the corpse back in the lake and walk away like nothing happened; maybe even book the next flight back home.

Sadly, you can't do the latter... corpse float.

The magnet is still attached to the metal arm so you gave a strong tug hoping it would separate from the corpse, but sadly, it wouldn't budge.

A small curse and another pull.

A loud curse and another stronger pull.

Frustrated, you were about to scream-- maybe even cry-- when you suddenly saw movements coming from the metal arm, precisely, the fingers. It twitched and so does his body, you grew terrified when his head slightly turned to the side, his back slowly rising and falling, breathing weakly.

"Holy... shit."

.

.

.

"Hi officer, yes, he's alive. I saw- I mean, caught the man from the lake with a magnet disk..." You groaned and shake your head, downing the rest of you wine.

You can't just mention a magnet disk, you don't know if magnet fishing is legal in this part of country - or should you say area.

Fuck me. Forgot to ask permission.

It's been four days since you hauled the man from frozen lake, changed him from his wet, heavy looking of what seems to be his tactical gear to something comfortable; an oversize shirt(on you, it is) and a baggy pair of sweatpants. Not an easy task but you managed to do it.

The man, he isn't some normal fellow you'd see anywhere. There's something more, maybe he's the "something" Hydra is looking for? Is he the ghost? Impossible, it's been decades since that happened. The organization stopped looking for him decades ago.

Who is he? Why does he have a metal arm?

Questions began running around inside your head, different kinds of possibilities that mostly lead you if not in jail; six feet under. Just the thought of it makes you want to vomit and choke on it until you pass out - maybe you could receive some kind of pity and let you off the hook.

You felt yourself slightly gag at the thought of choking on your own vomit.

"The only things I'll ever be choking on is pizza and my future husband's dick," you grumbled to yourself, glaring down at the empty glass in your hand before sighing and turning around.

You suddenly come face to face the man you called 'corspe' multiple times in your head four days ago for twenty minutes, standing strong and tall, an aura that practically screams "touch me and I'll break your neck."

He watch you watch him in fear and curiosity, body rigid and alert for what's about to happen.

What's about to happen?

.

Ten years later...

.

"And that's how I met your father," you finished the story, grinning down at the little girl in front of you.

She 'oh'ed, staring up at you with her big sea blue eyes, full of curiosity and amazement. "So he's the ghost?" She asked with her squeaky voice, grabbing the last cookie from the paper plate between the two of you and began munching on it.

You chuckled. "I would say 'a really clumsy man who fell from a flying helicopter while running away from the bad guys' but yeah, sure."

"Awesome," she whispered-yelled making you laugh at her cuteness, scooting closer towards your daughter to wipe off the crumbs from her cheek.

"So this is where my girls are hiding." A familiar voice sounded from the small entrance of the tree house. Looking over, you saw your husband climbing up the ladder.

"We're not hiding, daddy!"

"Of course you're not, princess." He sat himself beside your daughter and raised a brow at you, a smile on his face. "But your mother here is."

"I'm not hiding, daddy," you repeated your daughter's words, fluttering your eyelashes at him with a grin on your face, biting your lips to prevent yourself from laughing.

His eyes darkens but he kept the smile on his face, pretending he didn't caught the look on your face he know all too well. "Yes you are, honey. Anyways, what are you two talking about?"

"The day you first met!" Your daughter beamed.

"Really?" Buck's eyes flickered at you for a moment as he spoke.

The little girl nodded her head enthusiastically. "Yup! It's so romantic," she sighed dreamily but she frowned when she pat the paper plate and found it clear from those delicious cookies Wanda baked for her.

"Oh, the cookies are gone, can I get some more, mommy?"

"Okay, sweetie. Be careful on your way down."

The two of you watched your daughter climbs down the ladder with ease, already familiar of the steps and the safe places to put her feet on.

After a moment of silence, Bucky speaks up. "You didn't told her about me frozen under the lake for three decades, did you?"

"Nah. Told her I saved you from drowning while I'm fishing at a random lake; miraculously woken you up with a kiss."

"That sounds ridiculous."

"Also, don't worry, I didn't tell her I jumped your bones on the fifth day of knowing you."

@jasondean1972 I saw you reblogging and liking my posts while I'm editing this, and I love it 💛 don't worry, I think I'll be making my android!Bucky one-shot a series.

[d-xs]

PROMPT:

KEEP THEM ALL IN AWE

Jason Todd & Damian Wayne & Jason Todd

The ruckus that welcomes Jason Todd into the cave is very different from the usual post patrol noise he is well used to. The atmosphere is tense and he knows, if he didn't have the protection of his helmet, he would be choking on the scent of their stress.

For starters, one of the batmobiles is revving, Tim's arm is bleeding so badly it looks like someone almost got away with the arm. Dick's usual smile is very strained, while Bruce and Damian are absent. Usually, when there's a ruckus of this magnitude combined with a bleeding Tim, Damian can be found in the middle of it.

Jason is debating on the merit of getting on his bike and leaving the others to deal with whatever mess they're currently in the middle of when Dick pulls out what is unmistakably Damian, from the driver's seat of the batmobile.

"Tim!" Dick growls with a slight hint of alpha command, as he bodily hauls Damian away from the car.

The brat doesn't make it easy on Dick.

"You were meant to be watching them!" Dick scolds.

"Yeah, I was!" Tim retorts angrily from where he is trying to clean his freshly acquired cut.

It looks more serious than Jason first thought.

"And I almost lost my arm for it. Why didn't you search him properly for all his weapons?"

"Be grateful I did not go for your jugular," Damian's haughty voice cuts in, before Dick can respond to Tim's retort. "The next time you attempt to lay a hand on him, I will relieve you of your head."

There is so much wrong with this picture, Jason feels like he's slipped into an alternate universe.

That must be it, because Damian in Dick's grasp is much smaller than the Damian Jason had seen earlier on patrol. Hell, he's much smaller than he was when he took up the Robin mantle. He looks just like the kit in Jason's memory of the League.

It has been years since he made an attempt to hurt Tim. Not to mention, he is fighting against Dick, the only person in the world who can get him to behave.

On second thought, Jason wishes he was in an alternate dimension. At least that way, he could return to his own universe without dealing with a de-aged Damian, who still has the values Ra's instilled in him.

Since settling into his life and his place in the pack, Jason has been recovering some memories he didn't even known he was missing. A lot of them he could do without. Especially his memories of the League, both before the pit and the early days after.

As bad as remembering how he really died and the events that led to it had been, Jason would take that over the memories of just how evil Ra's al Ghul truly is. The vile things the man had put Talia and Damian through always makes Jason sick.

However, as much as Jason would like to escape this situation, the Omega in him would never abandon a kit in danger. And there was no one in greater danger than someone challenging an alpha.

Damian is backed up against the passenger side of the batmobile now. Or rather, he's blocking Dick's path to it. His dagger is missing, but he's not deterred.

"Damian, no one will hurt him here," Dick says in a placating tone.

"Of course, you will not," Damian sneers. "You will not live long enough to regret it if you do, because I, unlike you lot, do not suffer those who hurt my family to live."

"Then let us help him."

Dick may be trying to maintain his friendly attitude, but Jason can see how strained it is.

"I have seen what help you offer," Damian says, absolutely unrelenting. "We have no need for it. If my father will not come out to face me, then we will be on our way."

Jason snorts at the brat's attitude.

The sound distracts them from their fight, gaining him both their attention.

"Who are you?" the brat demands, as he takes in Jason's form.

Jason can see the wariness in his eyes; he knows he won't stand a chance if Jason decides to team up with Dick against him. But the kid stands his ground and holds his chin up.

Brave boy.

Now Jason is curious about what he's protecting so fiercely.

"What are you doing here?" a deep voice asks from behind him, before he can answer Damian's question. "I told you not to return to the cave after patrol." Bruce continues, stomping into the cave from the manor.

"When have I ever done anything you told me?"

"Little Wing, B is right," Dick cuts in softly. "You don't want to be here right now.

The fact that Jason knows they're not dismissing his presence from the cave because they don't think he is a trusted member of the pack does not help. He may be an Omega, but he does not need to be protected. Certainly not from a child.

Not Damian.

Dick may be their resident Damian-whisperer, but he's clearly out of his element right now.

"Go fuck yourself," Jason snaps,

He takes off the helmet and domino mask underneath to give Damian a better view of his face.

"Ahki," Damian breathes, staring at Jason in disbelief.

The brat's reaction is exactly what Jason hoped for, but he did not anticipate how hearing that word from the kid would make him feel. He's stripping out of his jacket and armor to rip off his scent blockers before he's aware of what he's doing.

"Habibi," he acknowledges, crouching down so the kid can look him in the eye as he runs a hand through Damian's hair.

A soft cooing sound he wasn't aware he was capable of escapes his throat when the kit leans into his touch. He's not aware of his actions when he pulls the kid into a hug.

Damian is speaking to him in Arabic, and Jason knows he should listen, but his instincts are too jumbled for him to make sense of anything.

It has been too long since the Omega in Jason was let loose like this. Having this kit, the one he claimed so long ago in his arms again is pushing everything to the extreme.

He and Damian never talked about their shared past in the League. Jason knows it's partly due to his lack of memories, but also because he would never make Damian relieve those awful memories.

"Jason." The name is a command, a demand and a question all rolled in one, judging by the tone of Bruce's voice. It drags Jason out from the haze of instincts and hormones.

Jason bares his teeth, snarling at the alpha, even as he gathers his kit into his body to shield him from both alphas.

"Hey," Dick says, raising both hands in surrender.

"You're both safe, Little Wing. No one's going to hurt him," Dick continues.

Jason knows deep down that he's safe. They are his pack, his alphas. They will never hurt him or his kit, but the thought that they would take him away is unsettling. However, the haze of instincts has cleared off enough for him to think.

He turns an accessing gaze on Damian. He looks dirty and unkempt. Jason notes that his pants are a part of the traditional League attire, but he's missing the shirt and hood coat.

"You know Dick and your father," Jason tells Damian. "You can trust them."

Damian doesn't respond for a moment as he watches both alphas warily. "Even him?" He sneers at Tim who's currently stitching his arm.

"Yes, Habibi. He means well."

He gives the kit a little lick on the neck when he doesn't argue with Jason. He is proud to know that this Damian, at least, trusts him.

"Can you tell me what happened to you?" Jason asks, ignoring Bruce and Dick's looks of surprise and confusion.

Instead of speaking, like Jason expects, Damian pulls out of Jason's hold and nudges him away from the passenger door of the batmobile, reminding Jason that Damian has been protecting someone since Jason arrived.

It takes a while for him to coax them out, so Jason rises from his crouch to stand beside Dick and Bruce as they wait.

Knowing Damian, Jason had been expecting his precious cargo to be a dog, or cat or just about any one of the strays he has a penchant for adopting.

The last thing Jason expected to see, however, is a miniaturized version of himself.

The shock of it causes him to stumble forward, which turns out to be a very bad move as it sends the kid scrambling back inside the car.

"What the fuck?" Jason hisses, turning to Bruce and Dick for an explanation, while Damian -- God, that's not their Damian, is he? He wasn't de-aged by a spell or anything. Just one from an alternate universe -- focuses on comforting the kid.

"That's what we were trying to avoid," Dick sighs tiredly. "Red Robin ran into them on patrol. We still don't know how they got here, but Bruce thinks they've been in our time a couple of days, at least."

"And you weren't going to tell me that you have a younger me present?" Jason growls lowly. "Where's Damian?"

"Upstairs," Bruce grunts. "Where you should be. We don't know how you two interacting with your past selves will mess with the timelines."

"Yeah, you have Flash turning back the time whenever things don't go his way, or hopping back and forth to the future, but Damian and I interacting with our past selves is what will mess with the timeline," Jason scoffs. "Perfect logic, Bruce."

"It's not like that, Jay," Dick says, in his mediator voice. "We were looking out for you, too."

"How about you ask me next time?" Jason informs them.

During his confrontation with Bruce and Dick, Damian has disappeared inside the car with little Jason.

"I'm going to talk to him," he informs the alphas. "Both of you make yourselves scarce by the time they emerge."

He doesn't wait for a response before he turns away. It's not like they can object. He's the only one who can ensure this doesn't end in someone getting seriously hurt.

He knocks twice on the door to announce his presence, before opening it.

Little Jason is curled up against Damian. He looks even smaller next to Damian. Jason knows he was very small for his age when he was younger, but he has a hard time remembering ever being this tiny. He can't be older than four or five years old.

The kid doesn't look up at Jason, but the tremor running through him, the hand clutching Damian tightly, and the scent of his fear filling the car lets Jason know he's aware of him.

Jason knows the feeling. It was a constant companion whenever Willis was around and he's aware that he's reminding this kid of the man.

"Hey, Sky Lark," Jason coos softly, just like his mom used to. In hopes that both the familiar pet name and the tone will help him relax.

The boy's head snaps up to stare at Jason, mouth hanging open like he had something to say but has forgotten it.

"I know you're scared, and that's okay," Jason says in his most comforting tone. "But you don't have to be. No one here is going to hurt you."

The boy is watching him with wide eyes now, through the mistrust.

"I promise you."

"You can trust him, Jason," Damian adds confidently. "He is what you become in the future. You should be proud."

Jason isn't sure about that. Sure, he has come a long way from the helpless little kid he used to be, but he's not sure he can take pride in what he is now. But young Jason is even more fascinated with him as he watches Jason with big doe eyes.

"Is that true?" Little Jay asks, his voice a timid little voice. "Are you me in the future?"

"Yes, I am."

"But you're so big!" the kid exclaims with a cute lisp.

Jason grins. It's all he can do not to gather the pup in his arms and scent him. "You will be as big as me when you're grown, too," he promises. "I'm going to take care of you, okay?"

"Can Damian come too?" he asks, his hold on Damian tightening for a moment.

"Of course, I will," Damian assures him. "Not that I need caretaking." He backtracks.

Jason snorts. "Damian is coming with us. I'll take care of both of you."

The kid looks to Damian for support, copying Damian's action when he nods.

"'Kay."

When Jason stretches his arm to pick the pup up, Little Jay meets him halfway, snuggling closer as he breathes in Jason's scent.

They remain there for a while longer, with Jason scenting and grooming his mini me before stepping out of the car.

When he does, he doesn't pause to speak to anyone. He heads directly for his nest in the manor. Whatever there is to know can wait until the kids are cleaned, fed and well-rested.

One thing he knows is this: there's no way he's returning these kids back to their timelines. If Bruce has a problem with it, he can take it up with Jason.

[chickenisamazing]

The more I do this, the uglier it gets, but it's okay because I think I've mostly figured out how I want to journal and how to use the space in this notebook since I switched from my dot grid to these lined notebooks that I have lying around that I got for free and accumulated over the years. Because of the number of pages, I'm gonna have to use two notebooks this year, and this one is already smaller than last year's notebook, but the second notebook for this year is gonna be even smaller, so it's a process figuring out the right layout. I realize no one cares about this and it's long so the rest is under the cut [[MORE]]

Basically how I have my journal set up currently is:

I skipped the first few pages in case I decide I want an index (I probably won't)

I have my pre-planning spread which is a spacing guide on the left and a journal format brainstorm on the right

I have a future log/year at a glance that takes up four pages/two spreads where I drew out the little calendars for the year and a blank column under each month and whenever I have an event I put it in, so the events won't be in order but I don't care tbh

I have my monthly spread which I changed from last month: last month I had just the calendar on one spread and the next spread was monthly notes on one side and trackers on the right. However, because of the size of the notebook, that space wasn't being efficiently used. This is what it looked like

So I just decided to combine the two so now my monthly spread includes the trackers in the calendar and the notes next to the calendar, since I don't use the monthly notes much anyway. Idk if I like the habit tracker layout bc it's not as good visually but it's a lot easier to actually fill out since I just have to circle the letter instead of trying to figure out how to draw rectangles the right size and space on half a line in a ruled notebook so maybe I'll actually use it this month. Tbh the trackers are only important for prayers and I didn't use them last month but I used them pretty religiously ;) last year, and with the other stuff I generally write about them in my weekly logs if I did them but I thought I'd try including them in my trackers just to see if I could use them.

My weekly spreads are the same as last year's, I write my events with circular bullets and I jot down any brief notes about the day or things I did with dashed bullets. Only difference really is that last year I attempted to be colorful and decorative with my spreads (which didn't work bc I'm not a creative person lmao) so this year all my spreads are looking basically the exact same and I'm liking it this way. I like the simplicity of doing everything with just a black felt tip pen (and a white gel pen for when I mess up and have to scribble things out like in the first pic lol).

Just like last year, after each weekly log I have my weekly notes which, also like last year, are completely undecorated and just say "WEEKLY NOTES" at the top. I use this for to do lists mostly but also anything else I feel like writing; it's the "everything notebook" part of this journal.

I don't really plan to have any other kinds of spreads but that can change of course if I feel like it. Last year I would start them and not really use them (except for a couple of important ones but I'll just refer back to the old notebook for those) so I prefer just writing everything in the weekly notes section.

I feel like I do actual journaling here bc I just make personal posts about my thoughts and feelings all the time and all my productivity in my notebook and I just think it's funny bc I feel like most people prefer to do productivity stuff digitally and journaling analog but I'm the opposite, mostly bc I feel like my hands when I'm writing can't catch up to my brain and so writing becomes a chore. That's why I'm glad I started writing bullet points about my day in my weekly log, it's much more manageable and if there's anything I really want to remember I can just write it without worrying about capturing the moment and stressing about language. I know like my preference for analog productivity and digital journaling isn't unique obviously but I still do think it's kind of funny bc I'd have thought it'd be the opposite.

On an slightly unrelated note, I haven't been using google calendar much lately and I've been relying on my notebook but that's not good, I need to have things in both places to feel like I know what's going on. I think it's mostly because of the Bangladesh trip tbh but also since I graduated I feel like I've been falling off of using google calendar, but it's still what I use when I make appointments esp when I'm out and about, so I need to use it more regularly so I don't miss out on stuff.