#''haunted'' having a very specific definition that does not apply to all grieving characters

[applebunch]

michael was haunted by leon but nica wasn’t... nica not being haunted by leon did not mitigate the suffering she underwent... thinking abt it forever

[meant-to-be-a-hero]

heya~ for the writer ask: 1-40, please 💚 ilu

This took a long time, but you did ask me all the questions so I feel like I get a pass for that.

Under a cut, because this is long.

1. What font do you write in? Do you actually care or is that just the default setting?

Garamond. I think I read somewhere that it’s like, a good one for people to read, and I’ve just never moved away from it. I like it.

2. If you had to give up your keyboard and write your stories exclusively by hand, could you do it? If you already write everything by hand, a) are you a wizard and b) pen or pencil?

Oh god no. I edit and change my mind far too much, and I type much faster than I could ever write by hand. I’d end up getting a typewriter or a Dictaphone instead.

3. What is your writing ritual and why is it cursed?

I tend to write my first drafts on my tablet downstairs. It’s mostly just a skeleton for a plot, and then I edit upstairs on my desktop computer, in like, total silence so I can concentrate. That’s where I flesh out all the stuff I’ve written, and it goes from a draft to a proper story.

4. What’s a word that makes you go absolutely feral?

Silhouette. Or manoeuvre. Or camouflage. I spelt two of them wrong, because they are Evil Words.

5. Do you have any writing superstitions? What are they and why are they 100% true?

I dunno, I don’t think I’ve ever thought about it. Probably not?

6. What is your darkest fear about writing?

That I’m honestly just writing the same thing over and over, with different characters. Even if the story’s different, that the message is the same. Or that my writing’s like, hollow – it’s just a story, and it doesn’t have a message at all outside of that. Which is fine, obviously, not every piece of writing has to have some Big Meaning behind it, but. Yeah.

7. What is your deepest joy about writing?

Re-reading something I wrote and haven’t read for a while and going ‘I did that’. Even better if I can go ‘I did that and it’s just as good now as I thought it was when I wrote it’.

8. If you had to write an entire story without either action or dialogue, which would you choose and how would it go?

Action. I could probably write like a pure love story, Love, Simon-esque. But no dialogue would be very hard.

9. Do you believe in ghosts? This isn’t about writing I just wanna know

Yeah, absolutely.

10. Has a piece of writing ever “haunted” you? Has your own writing haunted you? What does that mean to you?

Not a specific piece of writing but when I write a metaphor and I’m like ‘I’ve used this before’ and I know for a fact that I have but I can’t remember where, which feeds back into that whole ‘all I’m doing is writing the same thing over and over again’ thing, that haunts me a lot. Haunted by my own narrative.

11. Do you believe in the old advice to “kill your darlings?” Are you a ruthless darling assassin? What happens to the darlings you murder? Do you have a darling graveyard? Do you grieve?

I don’t think it always applies, but definitely sometimes. I don’t like doing it, obviously, because it’s Murder, but sometimes trying to make three paragraphs work because you really like one sentence just isn’t the way to go. I don’t save them, they just get deleted and I’ll cry a little bit.

12. If a genie offered you three writing wishes, what would they be? Btw if you wish for more wishes the genie turns all your current WIPs into Lorem Ipsum, I don’t make the rules

Being able to type without ever misspelling a word again. The amount of times I misspell shit and have to go back and change it, I could probably have written twice as many words.

The ability to have Fresh Eyes right away. I tend to write in the morning/afternoon then step away from it and edit in the evenings, but sometimes it’d be nice to just be able to edit right away.

Maybe like, the ability to just stop myself from being so fucking critical about my writing, that’d be nice.

13. What is a subject matter that is incredibly difficult for you write about? What is easy?

I dunno, I don’t think I write things that are hard for me, like, on purpose? Maybe that’s not pushing myself, I guess, but. I tend to worry that when I introduce problems, especially relationship problems, I solve them too quickly and easily? Maybe that’s it.

Melodrama’s easy for me, because I love it. Stupid sweeping sentences and ridiculous descriptions and big explosive set-pieces. That’s my shit.

14. Do you lend your books to people? Are people scared to borrow books from you? Do you know exactly where all your “lost” books are and which specific friend from school you haven’t seen in twelve years still possesses them? Will you ever get them back?

Yes, yes, yes, and no, in that order. I’m very particular about my books, I don’t like them being damaged, so I’m happy to lend them to people, but they have to understand that they have to look after them.

15. Do you write in the margins of your books? Dog-ear your pages? Read in the bath? Why or why not? Do you judge people who do these things? Can we still be friends?

Dear god no. I don’t judge people who do any of those things, just don’t do them with my books. We can still be friends, Quiz. But you’re on thin ice.

16. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever used as a bookmark?

Oh probably food. I think I used one of those liquorice straws covered in sugar once, and had sugar stuck in the spine of the book forever after. I definitely try not to do that any more lol. This always reminds me of that post where the guy used a slice of cheese.

17. Talk to me about the minutiae of your current WIP. Tell me about the lore, the history, the detail, the things that won’t make it in the text.

Ooh, good question. I don’t think I’ve worked out all of that stuff either, so it’s hard to say. I think most of it’s explicit? Or it will be when I finish it.

18. Choose a passage from your writing. Tell me about the backstory of this moment. How you came up with it, how it changed from start to end. Spicy addition: Questioner provides the passage.

Ok, not a passage, but there’s like two chapters in the middle of A Pack Of Two that I wrote when I was right at the end of the story. I didn’t know how the story was supposed to end, not really – like I knew I wanted a happy ending and stuff but I didn’t know how to get there, so I went back and wrote these nice fluffy chapters where Steve and Eddie did some fun things together that added a little conflict and fleshed out how they felt about each a bit more, and by the time I’d finished them, I knew how I wanted the story to end properly. So sometimes, going back on yourself can be helpful.

19. Tell me a story about your writing journey. When did you start? Why did you start? Were there bumps along the way? Where are you now and where are you going?

I guess I’ve always written fanfic, even if it never really went anywhere. I had some stories on an old comic book forum, there was some Spider-Man, Runaways, Green Lantern, and Thunderbolts that I remember.

Then I did my first x Reader insert thing for Teen Wolf, and that took on a life of its own. I really liked the whole idea of adding a new character to continuity, like dancing between the raindrops so you can get your own character in there without changing the original narrative. That was what kept me writing for a bit, I did a Krypton one and a Stargirl one too. Oh and a Zombies one, nearly forgot that.

And somewhere in there, I started doing NaNoWriMo – my mum suggested something to me once, about writing a story I wanted to read because I didn’t find it on a shelf, and that was where I got my first three novels, The Ormere Chronicles, from.

I also wrote my High Fantasy book, Shall Set You Free, and then my Terry Pratchett-esque book, Death Vs. The Zombie Apocalypse (which I think is still my best book, tbh).

When the pandemic hit, that was when I started writing my Lovecraft stuff, because it was fucking depressing. I’ve still gotta finish those, I’m like 1/3 of the way through the final book.

And since like, July of last year, I’ve been writing Stranger Things fanfic pretty much non-stop, which is probably the most consistently I’ve written for a long time, and I like that.

In terms of where I’m going, I don’t really know. I’m writing stories I like writing, about things I like, and I’m gonna keep doing that. I hope I don’t ever stop, honestly.

20. If a witch offered you the choice between eternal happiness with your one true love and the ability to finally finish, perfect, and publish your dearest, darlingest, most precious WIP in exactly the way you’ve always imagined it — which would you choose? You can’t have both sorry, life’s a bitch

Oh, probably the first one. I’m never entirely happy with what I write, and I think having one perfect piece of writing and then not being able to live up to that for the rest of my life would be so depressing. I’d rather have 50 nearly perfect bits of writing (and my true love) than 1 flawless one.

21. Could you ever quit writing? Do you ever wish you could? Why or why not?

I hope not? I can go a long time without doing it sometimes, but I don’t think I could ever out and out stop. I don’t feel like it’s a chore, so I don’t wish I could stop, no. It’s fun, and while it’d be nice to like, make a career out of it, I enjoy it too much to really want to monetize it.

Or y’know, I’m too scared to try, but we won’t talk about that.

22. How organized are you with your writing? Describe to me your organization method, if it exists. What tools do you use? Notebooks? Binders? Apps? The Cloud?

Notes-wise, I tend to write a lot of stuff down on paper to start with when I’m getting the story in order, and then transpose them into a Word doc.

I then proceed to basically ignore said Word doc, write the story, and then check the notes at the end and laugh at how close/far away I was from what I’d intended.

23. Describe the physical environment in which you write. Be as detailed as possible. Tell me what’s around you as you work. Paint me a picture.

It’s either a dining table with a tablet on it, usually with a mug of hot chocolate and/or something to snack on, or my desk upstairs that’s full of the usual desk things, nothing particularly special. I don’t think I’m interesting enough for this question.

24. How much prep work do you put into your stories? What does that look like for you? Do you enjoy this part or do you just want to get on with it?

I let the ideas percolate for a while. I don’t need a whole beginning/middle/end before I start writing, but I like to have the big beats, like the Point of what I’m writing, rather than just totally winging it. I tried that once, and it failed miserably.

It’s a lot of thinking, and then writing notes. If I get stuck, I try and go for a walk or do some kind of activity where I can’t do anything but think about my story, so my brain can sort out any problems or connect the dots that I can’t connect usually.

I don’t mind this part, but I definitely prefer the actual writing bit.

25. What is a weird, hyper-specific detail you know about one of your characters that is completely irrelevant to the story?

In my head, Alicia from The Ormere Chronicles literally looks like “If River Song Was Black”. I don’t know if that’s like, explicit in the text, but it is now.

26. How do you get into your character’s head? How do you get out? Do you ever regret going in there in the first place?

Writing fanfic, it’s easier, because I can just rewatch the shows or whatever that I’m basing things on. I like doing that to get their voices down properly, so at least they sound right when I write them. I read all my dialogue over a few times, sometimes out loud, to make sure it sounds natural, and like what they’d actually say.

For my original characters, it’s a lot of ‘what would X do in this situation’ kind of conversations with myself. Once I’m in, I try and stay there until the story’s done – I only work on one WIP at a time, usually.

27. Who is the most stressful character you’ve ever written? Why?

Oh god, probably some of the insufferable characters from Death Vs. The Zombie Apocalypse, like the whole point of them was to be horrible representations of human beings, but I think maybe I was a little too good at that. Read into that what you will.

28. Who is the most delightful character you’ve ever written? Why?

This question was really sticking for me, until I remembered, there’s a character in the Ormere Chronicles, the third book of the three, who is literally my nan. She passed away before she could read any of my books, but she’s a character in one of them who’s in a bus station at two separate points, and she meets the two main characters who missed each other, and she talks them through their problems so that they can reunite.

I don’t think I realised why I did that until now, including her because she couldn’t read them before she died. Oh, now I’m sad.

29. Where do you draw your inspiration? What do you do when the inspiration well runs dry?

That’s a good question. With fanfic, it’s usually ‘I want to write these characters in this kind of situation’, and the situation is one I’ve seen in other media, like transposing them from their universe to another. Or with x Reader stuff, it’s ‘I want to be in this situation with this character’ which is entirely self-indulgent and I love it.

For original stuff, I like to pick a genre, and then go from there, that’s my starting point that dictates the characters, setting, and such.

30. Talk to me about the role dreams play in your writing life. Have you ever used material from your dreams in your writing? Have you ever written in a dream? Did you remember it when you woke up?

I barely ever remember my dreams after I wake up, so I don’t have much to say on this one. I’ve used dreams a few times in my writing, to be like prophetic or to help put things into perspective for my characters, that’s about it.

31. Write a short love letter to your readers.

I always sign off my fics with “I hope you had as much reading this as I did writing it”, which I think sums up how I feel about my readers, honestly.

32. What is a line from a poem/novel/fanfic etc that you return to from time and time again? How did you find it? What does it mean to you?

I honestly don’t read a lot of other people’s fanfic, because I have this weird thing of not wanting to write things that other people have written, so if I don’t know that they’ve written them, then I can’t have copied them, if that makes sense?

33. Do you practice any other art besides writing? Does that art ever tie into your writing, or is it entirely separate?

Nah, writing’s my expression. I am art.txt, not art.jpeg, as the meme goes.

34. Thoughts on the Oxford comma, Go:

Yes, love it, best comma. All the commas.

35. What’s your favorite writing rule to smash into smithereens?

Starting sentences with prepositions, probably. Because I can. And I will. Sometimes it’s just necessary.

36. They say to Write What You Know. Setting aside for a moment the fact that this is terrible advice…what do you Know?

Closeted/confused queer boy finds himself. Anything more than that is usually veering into the Things I Wish I Knew category.

37. If you were to be remembered only by the words you’ve put on the page, what would future historians think of you?

God, he wrote a lot about those dudes from Stranger Things falling in love, didn’t he?

38. What is something about your writing process YOU think is Really Weird? If you are comfortable, please share. If you’re not comfortable, what do you think cats say about us?

I have this odd hang-up with sex scenes that I’m trying to get around. I have been writing more of them, and getting more comfortable with them, but a lot of my sex scenes are very much metaphor and inference rather than ‘he put his dick in his ass’, because it feels really weird to me to never mention sexual stuff until The Sex Chapter, and then it’s all dicks and shit. But I’m working on it.

39. What keeps you writing when you feel like giving up?

Re-reading my own stuff, and knowing that a) I did that, b) I can do that again, and c) I can do better than that now. Reminding myself what I’ve accomplished already and what I can do in the future.

And reminding myself that, at the end of the day, everything I write is for me first.

40. Please share a poem with me, I need it.

Oh, uh, erm. I haven’t written poetry in a very long time, I’m sorry, Quiz.

[ohayohimawari]

Kakashi Asks-Answer

Q: (From @cyabae) Do you think that Kakashi had a gut feeling that Obito was still alive? It seemed to me that he couldn’t get over Obito’s “death” whilst he was able to process his grief over the loss of his other loved ones.

A: This is such a fantastic question. Thank you for presenting me with an opportunity to climb into this ninja’s quirky brain to pave over what I think is one of the biggest holes in canon!

Throughout Naruto’s story-before and after the time skip-Kishimoto doesn’t allow the fans of the series, or Kakashi, to forget Obito. Every time we see my favorite ninja dork at his regular hangout (the memorial stone), it’s like Kishi is telling us, ‘Hey! Pay attention to this!’ Canon provides more questions than answers to this, so I’m going to rely upon my knowledge and interpretation of Kakashi’s character, as well as my imagination to resolve it starting below the cut.

First of all, Kakashi is no idiot.

He knows that he’s talking to dead people that can’t answer him when he visits their graves. He understands that death is final, permanent, having learned that lesson the hard way at a young age. The way he processes grief differs with each loss, however.

We know that Kakashi made it a point to distance himself from his father’s legacy after Sakumo’s death. In the series, I can think of only one instance in which we see Kakashi visiting his father’s grave, and it seems to be out of obligation. Further, when that angry little Kaka-brat is standing at his father’s grave in the rain, he places a flower on Sakumo’s marker while saying he won’t grow up to be like him. Ouch.

When it comes to Sakumo’s death, I think Kakashi spends a lot of time avoiding it. First, because he’s angry, later because he feels guilty (see also: Kakashi’s Legendary Self-Loathing). As long as I’m drawing from my imagination to answer this, I like to think that Kakashi comes to Sakumo’s grave more often after they made peace over a campfire during their brief visit in the afterlife.

It isn’t long after Sakumo’s death that Kakashi loses the closest thing he has to a father figure when his sensei Minato dies. This is another grave that I can’t recall (off the top of my head) Kakashi visiting. I think there are more than a couple of reasons why this is. Because he was a Hokage, Minato’s grave is already well-tended, or perhaps his remains are inaccessible (unless you’re Orochimaru). Another reason is because Kakashi has something better than a grave marker to turn to: the Yondaime’s bust carved into the mountainside that dominates Konoha’s skyline. When Kakashi wonders what kind of guidance his late sensei would offer, he looks up at his likeness. Side note: is it just me, or does that seem to give him a sense of calm? That’s a big headcanon of mine.

There’s something else that Minato left behind, or I should say someone, and that would be the main hero of the whole series. I definitely think that, although Minato’s death is an ending to a part of Kakashi’s life, it opens the door for this knucklehead to reckon with the future during his grieving process. But I have another Kakashi Ask waiting in my inbox about baby Naruto so I’ll wait to go into this when I answer that question.

This brings me to what canon presents as the most traumatic experience Kakashi has had with loss. There are countless flashbacks to the death of Rin Nohara at Kakashi’s hand before we’re given the full explanation for it. I can think of only two times that we see Kakashi visiting Rin’s grave: when he’s tending to it during a break from guarding a pregnant Kushina, and again when Tenzō is spying on Kakashi in the ANBU Black Ops arc. Although we don’t see him visiting Rin often, it’s implied that he does go regularly to her grave. He washes her marker, brings fresh flowers to adorn it, and tells her of the happenings in the Hidden Leaf.

Personally, I think Kakashi goes to Rin’s grave out of a sense of duty and keeps his visits brief out of guilt and pain (just an opinion; please don’t @ me). He can’t escape the physical moment of Rin’s death. It haunts him, frequently. He relives it more than any other experience he’s had in his fictional, angst-filled life. It seems to me that he thinks of his visits to Rin as the least he can do, after his involvement in her death. It’s all that he can do to continue to keep his promise to Obito to look after her. I’m not saying that he doesn’t have fuzzy friendship feelings for Rin, but I can’t imagine those are feelings that he’s able to maintain easily after the circumstances surrounding her death. Truly, I wonder if those visits are out of wanting to atone for his part in her death or to appease the angry spirit that Rin appears as in Kakashi’s nightmares. Probably a little of both.

The grave that is Kakashi’s home away from home is the memorial stone. Out of all the names that are etched on it, there’s only one that keeps him coming back to it. Obito Uchiha.

The million-ryo question is, out of all of the deaths that Kakashi has experienced, why is Obito’s grave the one that he turns to and returns to? Canon doesn’t portray them as the best of friends while they were schoolmates and later, teammates, so…?

This was the first peer that Kakashi lost, and that had to have rocked his little ninja world. Obito sacrificed himself for Kakashi’s sake and that too must’ve been a great big wtf moment for my precious murder baby. Also, there’s the sheer suddenness of the unfortunate boulder incident in Kakashi’s literal blind spot. I mean, wow, those reasons alone could show why Obito’s death would be next to impossible for kid!Kakashi to process.

But kid!Kakashi becomes adult!Kakashi and he’s still hovering by the memorial stone every time he gets a chance. I know that I’ve presented this dork as a creature of habit, but in this case, there’s something more to it. Two somethings, specifically.

First (to be blunt): there’s no body.

Obito Uchiha is presumed dead and for a ninja who has firsthand experience with proven death, that blows the door wide open to the possibility of Kakashi’s teammate surviving that rude boulder.

During the Land Waves arc, we see Team Seven’s leader waking up unconvinced that Zabuza is really dead. This knucklehead has more brains than chakra, and he doesn’t leave things to chance.

So, to Kakashi, presumed dead is way more alive than dead.

This is why he doesn’t just relate the news of the village to Obito like he does when he visits other graves. He asks questions and unloads his conscience there because, in his mind, he might be communicating with someone that could answer him.

But wait! There’s more. The second something is (drumroll): the sharingan.

Sharingan literally means “copy wheel eye,” and it is described as an “eye that reflects the heart.”

Kishimoto seems to enjoy beating his characters with a trauma stick, so canon gives us many (so many) accounts of how tragedy affects the sharingan’s development. However, if it reflects the heart, there are plenty of positive emotions that could affect it that simply weren’t explored in the series.

Another thing that isn’t fully explained in canon is how Kakashi and Obito’s sharingan eyes are connected. We only know that they are connected because the mangekyō awoke at the same time in each of them (this is very important btw), and because of their shared tsukuyomi/ninja dumpster. This is great imagination and fan content fodder because the possibilities of their shared sharingan are near endless.

What follows is my headcanon.

Rather than having a gut feeling that Obito is still alive, I think Kakashi allows for the possibility that his teammate survived. That becomes a probability after he learns more about the sharingan from his subordinate, Itachi and student, Sasuke.

It would be years after Obito’s presumed death that Kakashi would learn that the mangekyō is awakened by witnessing the death of the person that the sharingan-bearer is closest to. As much as I adore Rin’s character, she is not the person that Kakashi feels closest to when he witnesses her death. I believe that Kakashi is closer to Gai, or even Minato when Rin dies.

As Kakashi learns more about the sharingan, the bigger his hunch becomes that Obito survived. I’m sure he’d question how the mangekyō could’ve awoken in the first place if the person that gave it to him was dead.

This borrowed eye is surgically attached to Kakashi’s optic nerve and not his heart. So, if the sharingan is still developing, the heart it was connected to must still be beating.

More speculation, but perhaps Obito can use all of the jutsus that Kakashi has copied. Maybe snippets of Obito’s emotions are processed as information in Kakashi’s brain. It would make sense to me in Narutoverse.

So why didn’t Kakashi tell anyone that he had reason to think that Obito might still be alive?

The experiences that would lead him to think that are subjective. Kakashi is tight-lipped even when someone wants to know his hobbies. I don’t think he’d tell anyone that a mistake was made with one of the etched names on the memorial stone until he had hard proof.

However it played out, or whatever your headcanons about these two may be, the moment they faced each other from opposite sides of the battlefield was heartbreaking.

I think that when Kakashi finally saw him again, he was less surprised that Obito was alive and more surprised that he had become an enemy. *Sob*

XOXO

P.S. I actually touched upon this headcanon in a drabble that I wrote for my latest Tumblr milestone:

The Impossible 

Summary: “No one is more surprised than Kakashi when he returns from apparent death. He confides his extraordinary experience and the new mystery that has come of it at his next visit to Konoha's memorial stone.”

Pairings: Gen, none

Rated: T, no warnings apply

[beckettsam-blog]

( RICKY WHITTLE, thirty one, cis male, he/him ) – samuel “sam” beckett also known as agent orchard has been an operative for project icarus for a year and a half signing up for the initiative because they want to protect innocent people from the conflict and are currently undercover as a detective. they’ve been described as +altruistic & +valiant. i’d watch out though, because they’re also known to be -indecisive & -restrained, which is probably why they’re referred to as the taciturn

samuel had a pretty happy life before the incident, but he always felt a bit lost

his whole life was a sequence of finding one thing he feels like he can connect to, noticing its faults and how he doesn’t 100% believe in it, leaving, being soooo lost for a few months and then finding another thing…

raised by two english teachers, sam grew up surrounded by books but more than reading them, he had always loved to illustrate them. he could never finish a book without having at some point drawn a scene of it - bringing something that was stuck inside the confines of words or his mind to reality always made him feel quite accomplished

his parents took note of that and always encouraged him to pursue art but also … he was a very lonely kid. no siblings, didn’t really make many friends at school because he was shy and would much rather be by himself with a book or a sketchbook. they got him into boy scouts (yes he was literally a boy scout amazing), various sports because he always has a hard time enjoying any

they tried really hard but he just wasn’t really good at socializing…. and didn’t really care a lot about that

you know what sucked for him? majors. he must have changed them faaaar too many times because he could…. never find passion for any of it, but art. got really really into animation at some point but never really pursued it because it seemed like a far-fetched dream. ended up graduating with a degree in forensic science

and because lmao what is a life plan, after that he joined the marines. there he met some of the very few people he’d ever consider close friends, theo mendoza and parker hart. he only did the four years minimum of active duty before leaving but in those years he saw some shit he couldn’t really let go of. while some things still haunt him to this day, he definitely doesn’t have it as bad as his two buddies - but also doesn’t talk about it. some drawings can be found around his house of destroyed cities, gory scenes and all the horrors of war. it’s the way he channels it and deals with it tbh

why did he join? a mix of not knowing what he wanted to do next and this feeling of worthlessness. the world had problems, what was he going to do to solve them? how could he help? the marines sounded like a solid plan, but soon he started to notice its flaws and disagree with lots of things about it

after that he did the training and joined the police force. after a few years, instead of being promoted to csi as his background would expect, he became  a detective. was he any good at talking to people? no. did he have the energy and boldness to do what it took? ya. plus military service was bonus points for him

he’s very holt like can’t u tell

at some point before being promoted, sam left the job for a few months on leave, after being badly injured in a raid that also killed his partner. he hit a really low place. took his time exploring his alcohol limit (and painkillers at some points), and got so scared once he realized what was happening to him that he never drank again

his relationships never last for long. again, he’s stuck in this cycle. thinks that yeah this is it this is the guy i can connect to, notices that his heart is just not in it anymore or that yup he misjudged them once again bad judge of character when it comes to his personal life and break up. is heartbroken for a few months, meets someone he thinks he can connect with…

has probably rotated through so many lifestyles lbr he’s been vegetarian for 5 months and a quaker for 4

things seemed to be calming down, making some sense at last. he had been dating the same guy, david, for three whole years (after some on and off dating before that). and THEY WERE ENGAGED like he got his shit together for long enough to actually propose to him. he was enjoying his work. felt like he was finally clicking with the people at work. had made some friends which was… not as bad as he’d thought it’d be. and then the incident

david was in town when it happened and he did make it. for a few months, he was a promethean as well, cooperating with government research and all. sam was weary of it all, but hey his cute fiancee was an airbender that’s cool. he didn’t really have any formed opinions on prometheans then, just that there were others like david and as long as they were okay but also trying to keep other people okay, he had no problems at all. and then david got caught in reapers vs fireflies early crossfire

he doesn’t care which side did it. he only knows that the fact that there are sides and they are fighting is not safe. how many others will get killed in their conflict? how many innocent ones? some people approached him a few months after david’s death, talking to him about project icarus and after a looong debate with himself, he joined it, keeping his actual job as a cover

he holds no grudge against prometheans, but fear of what they can do if left to their own devices. above all, he just wants to be a barrier between those who are actively fighting and the innocent ones like his fiancee or humans

sam still sketches to this day. it’s the one thing that always made sense and still does. has a lot of sketches of david, but people don’t get to see those. lots of drawings of the incident and of what some powers might look like

he’s lost again. all that stability he finally found was taken with david. the months it took him to somewhat recover (but lbr he’s still not okay) he drove a lot of his new friends away, isolated himself a lot again, and everything still feels a bit surreal. his life was so quickly changed.

he’s been burying himself in work, trying to find stability through it. and it works at times. he gets really invested in some cases and just has this rush and passion !! and at times it fades away and he’s forced to just drag himself through it

he’s been considering some change. perhaps apply for a csi position at last. maybe move to another neighborhood. date again? he just doesn’t know someone help him

he really likes mangos

….. recently he’s been taking some more notice of the nature of his work for project icarus. not agreeing with it and its methods as much as he did before. paying closer attention to the prometheans he encounters. yup internal conflict again oh boy

he is the quiet awkward guy in the room, who says some joke no one finds that funny and then laughs at it by himself. stammers a little when he talks to some people. is always losing track of other people’s conversations because he got too distracted with his own thoughts. wants to do things by the book all of the time, gets really stressed out when he doesn’t or others don’t

is fiercely loyal like hufflepuff loyal

will follow people who are going off the book with so much saltiness and complaining, but more in a ‘i'm going to make sure no one here gets capital punishment’ sort of way

shit he’s also alec lightwood

he’s the mum friend. a very socially awkward and quiet mom friend

WANTED CONNECTIONS:

COVER FOR ME - detective partner!!! maybe they were officers together and then got promoted and always try to work on cases together. maybe they met as detectives and just… felt right. (icarus people or even PROMETHEANS for the angst)

I PAINT MY OWN REALITY - art buddies, who maybe have seen each other sketch in some park or coffee shop and just… started talking about it. giving each other tips. something very casual, not too personal, just people with the same passion

GHOST FROM THE PAST - childhood pals !! they’d have to have lived in manhattan for at least a bit as that was where he was raised. maybe they lost touch after college or the military, and they’ve seen each other again and !!! could be awkward, could be sweet, maybe they left in not such great terms as keeping in touch with people is not sam’s forte so they could be bitter idk

CUT YOU OUT - a friend he’d gotten very close to a few years ago, when his life was stable, but who he completely shut off after david’s death. now he’s trying to recover that friendship but it’s not easy because he really did disappear while grieving and hasn’t tried to reconnect until super recently

A CHANGE OF HEART - a promethean he’s gotten to know well, either specifically for the project or just out of coincidence. maybe they’ve told them they’re a promethean or he’s seen it OR maybe he doesn’t even know yet. but the conflict between the fearful ideology of the project and this person he knows and how it all fits together

THE BALANCE - okay someone who’s the total opposite of sam. someone who’s very loud and talkative, maybe even over sharing and who’s just so eager. and then there’s him, quietly nodding along. maybe they try to get him to leave his shell sometimes.