#''dont speak unless you're spoken to or else something bad will happen. nobody wants to hear what you have to say unless they ask''
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spaciebabie · 2 months ago
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at first getting diagnosed with cptsd was like, "yay my trauma has been validated (it always was valid)!" and i really thought that was going to be it, but then i started to do research as i do whenever i realize i have something and learned that!! the way i experience socialization is!! quite horrid actually!!
#i have had this stupid fucking rule for myself for years since i was little#''dont speak unless you're spoken to or else something bad will happen. nobody wants to hear what you have to say unless they ask''#I TELL MYSELF THAT ALL THE TIME????#AND I DIDNT REALIZE IT WASNT NORMAL#thats not something that healthy people think to themselves whenever they want to talk to people. they just talk to them#they dont tell themselves not to speak to people for fear of what may happen to them jesus christ spacie#i get so scared when i message anybody ANYTHING#bc everything and anything i wanna talk about feels so stupid why would anyone give a shit#staring at a funny joke i want to send someone for 30 fucking minutes before deleting it b/c my brain is like ''errmm who cares?''#''also they're going to yell at you for wasting their time!!!''#i sent my friend a meme once and had a panic attack (or maybe a flashback?? im still trying to figure out what they are) immediately after#this shit sucks dude. it sucks#at least im processing what happened to me. thats why it hurts so bad rn its been stockpiled for like.#2 decades#im not looking for any sympathy here im just putting it out there#so that anybody who feels the same way i do know they're not alone#ive been struggling everyday for like 2 months now (actually DEFINITELY longer)#it will get better. things just need to be taken one step at a time#i have gotten thru my worst days i have a 100% success rate#how many days have i been alive#7930#lightwork#lets keep it goin#vent#trauma tw#trauma mention#wrote this post thru a flashback btw!! dealing with them is getting easier#before i would be unable to function for days at a time!!!#with one of the most recent ones i had i was so in the thick of it i avoided everyone i knew for a week cuz i was convinced#i was an evil unlovable freak that only wanted to hurt people
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zuffer-weird-girl · 4 years ago
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Overhaul / Chisaki Kai sfw alphabet
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A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)
Yeah... not very as you all may have expected. Chisaki is very reserved and his mysophobia doesn't help at all. Although, years of not touching nobody can do so much to a person and he MIGHT be willing to touch you after a few months... maybe years.
At the first few times he will only show his affection by giving you things. That's it.
But well, the wait is worth it. Chisaki is a gentleman by nature. Kisses on the hand whenever you pass by, forcing/invinting you to sit on his lap.
His forms of affection are from actions, not from words. He sucks with words, Im sorry.
B = Beginning (How would the relationship start?)
Something tells me that Chisaki would start a relationship only when the person gives him some type of interest. Personality, knowledge.... QUIRKLESS.
Really, he does care more about how intellugent or what they could be to him as a partner, appearance comes just as a bonus to him.
C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)
AHA!
Jokes apart, Chisaki is just as a stone when cuddling... if he is willing to honestly because this man is such a tsundere brat it huRTS-
He would slowly learn how to do it, but please give him time and espace, he never done this before God help him.
He is much more comfortable with you laying on his chest as he continues on with his paperwork, it gives hkm a sense that he is not alone and that he can spend time with you while doing something so tedious as paperwork.
BUT! On harsh days, as example got into a argument with pops or a bad day in general, he likes to lay his head on your lap and just forget the world exists as hugging you close and inhaling your clean scent.
Also well, enjoy when he is sleepy.
Also, cuddling only after a shower. No buts.
D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)
Well, he does want to settle down but as long as he can continue gis work on the Hassaikai then its nore than fine to him (if we're talking about after the raid THEN HE NEEDS TO SETTLE DOWN AND SOME THERAPY)
Cleaning master. Sucks at cooking.
Okay, he is not that bad he can make a toast, but he just really doesn't like to do it, since is just so messy. Really enjoys your cooking though if you know how to...
If not his poor childhood friend will become the chef of you two. Seriously Hari need a break-
E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)
Fuck. If HE had to break up he would be straight to the point. Cold and uncaring. Not even the whole "is not you, its me" no no. Chisaki will make sure to tell that he is breaking up because of you and thats final, being on his good intentions or not.
Kai would break up with his partner if they did something like cheat on him or something... and he is from the mafia you rreally want to take the risk?!
Or he would break up due to his fear of you getting hurt. But this will only happen when his paranoia would take over him.
He doesn't want to lose you soon, affirmative.
F = Fiancé(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)
He feels unnecessary before he mets someone he feels really in love with. He doesn't believed in love when younger so its a tragic change.
And no. Chisaki wants to make sure he knows the person very well before he goes to get down on one knee for them. And surprisingly, if he feels like he is safe and can be vulnetable around his partner? Then he is on the cloud nine internally.
Only time will tell when you can get engaged with this plague man.
G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)
TSUNDERE BASTARD-
Is that enough? No? Ok.
He is always scoffing and rolling his eyes when you are affectionate with him but ny god dont stop or else he will discount his rage and frustation on poor Rappa.
Although, when he gets a bit drunk or just overworked he is so gentle. Like, sweet words and all, it even shocks you sometimesm
For him, you are the light of his dark life, his angel. So he doesn't mind speaking behind closed doors on how much he loves you and cherish you being here with him. Likes to carres your cheeks with the back of his gloved hand or plant sweet kisses on your forehead, hands and most of all: lips.
Appreaciate it because his behaviour can change on how you take his words.
H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)
Nope. Only when he feels the urge to it, when he is tired or when you are down.
He is not much of a hugger. But is willing to give some to you since... you're special to him.
Although Chisaki hugs are like 👌😤. His arms caging you to gis chest and how warm it feels its just heavenly. He hugs you close and likes to give you little squezze that does not hurt to make you sure he is not letting go for a while.
I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)
Long. Long time until he says this.
Saying those three words means to him only one thing: vulnerability.
Its going to take a lot of time for Kai to let out those words, mostly sure that his partner will be the one to say it first, but Kai would jjst stay there and not reply.
One: embarrassed as heck; Two: he is sure that he loves you back but... he needs time.
J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)
He is more overprotective than jealous. Yet he does feel it. A lot.
He doesn't trust OTHERS, he knows you love him. But the world around him failed so many times when he was young that this man has doubts even on his most considerate coomurate. He fears that they might take advantege of you.
A tiny part of him fears that you will leave him because he is not the mostproper partner, but his pride takes over that very easily.
K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)
Soft, passionate and hot.
As spoken before Kai loves to kiss your hand, forehead, cheeks and lips. Those are the cleanest and softest places he found to make you embarrassed and all soft.
He isn't much to being kissed... but he does love it when he is there working and then you rub his shoulder a bit before kissing his temple than pecking his lips softly.
Leaves him a blushing mess all the time.
L = Little ones (How are they around children?)
*laughs* ERI-CHAN-!
I have a few scenatios of him actually being a good dad so... I will just skip this one and let you all see it for yourselfs.
Although, one word. Strict dad. You guessed right.
M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)
My HEART THEY ARE THE BEST
Especially when he doesn't go to work because its only there that you can see his resting face on the pillows. Usually when he goes to work he gets up, dress himself and carres your check softly before leaving a kiss on your temple and leaving.
When he is free you're trapped. Cant get out of the bed until he does.
Sweet scraches and petting coming from him. TAKE THOSE.
N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)
Soft. Watching him, tired as always getting out of his clothes to put his nightwear. If neither of you feel like crashing down onto the dreamland, Chisaki will pick one book you may like, let you rest your head on his chest, shoulder or lap as he reads it out loud while scracthing your head.
If he is on the mood he might even sing you a lullaby... only if you're feeling down though.
O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)
After a very long time on the relationship.
If he does have a mentalbreakfown he is blurting everything out like he is about to die and just needs to tell you everything. Although it would be almost impossible.
I feel like Chisaki would slowly reveal things of himself to you. Is the most like to happen.
P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)
Easy peasy little squeaky.
This man gets angry easily but he does know how to control himself over this situations... although when he loses his patience he does get pissed off (we saw him already guys with pops and the heroes)
In discussions he woudl rather distance himself then to just shout at you though.
Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)
STALKER
He knows everything and more about you. Every little detail he will remember
Seriously, he might still have that annoyed face of his when you're talming but he is listening and paying attention.
Might as well surprise you with your favorite sweets or flowers.
R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)
First kiss.
He never kissed someone besides you so all the memroy is very well guarded on his mind and he does cherish it everyday.
S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)
Overprotective. Will kill for you, overhaul and then kill again for you.
Chisaki is powerful, not only by his quirk but his status as well so only one look of his is enough to scare the others away.
Or his threatenings like... slipping his glove out and showing his victim his bare hand as a signal to not speak or dont come any closer unless they want to die.
Will fell weirded out if you protect him since like... he is a boss of the mafia? He doesn't need protection? He is your knight in shinning armor not the other way around.
... although it makes him a bit embarrassed.
T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)
So much money that the Hassaimai is stealing from other gangs because of this asshole expending shit tones of moneh in your guys dates.
Everything you once thought or mentiomed for him is there. He is not afraid to spend money when it comes to you.
U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)
Brush off something that its important to you bit seems unimportant for him.
Gets rude sometimes.
Always demanding on cleaning duty.
Wanting to keep his personal espace due to his mysophobia.
V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks? Do your looks bother them?)
Not much. He only gives care to his cleaning habbits and his smell. Definitely not because you find his scent amusing and devine. Nope. Definitely not.
He doesn't care about looks. Really, do not give a shit. Is just a bonus to him. You're divine and angelic to him.
W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)
Many thumbs up.
He feels extra annoyed and bothered when you're not around. Pls stay with this plague man.
X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)
Cant sleep without you on his side. Really, he just cant. He tried many times already but just ended up scoffing and going after you just because he needed to sleep says him.
Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)
He calls you brat as a affectionate nickname but seriously, he doesn't want a child as his partner, so dont be too childish. It irritates him a lot.
BEING ORGANIZED IS NOT A OPTION IS A MUST. or else it will feel like he is more occupied scolding you then loving you for that matter.
Hates. HATES. when his plans doesn't work well and when suddenly you cancel a date of you two or any plans in general.
Hates.
Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habit of theirs? Does it change around a partner?)
Cling to you for dear life when he gets comfortable with you. And I would suggest you to stay awake for a bit longer than him since he mumbles in his sleep.
Might be nightmares of rombas chasing him with knifes or words of how much he truly loves you? You might as well find out.
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