#🙈🙈🙈🙈 im so nervous posting any poetry oh my god

[ankhisms]

heres the first poem i feel comfortable sharing here, transcript under the cut

Teacher Sensitivity Training Videos

Rey io L.

august 10th 2021

i am cracking and peeling the shells of freshly hard boiled eggs in the kitchen, while my mothers school assigned laptop begins to say, "transgender students report higher levels of harrassment and discrimination, and many drop out of school entirely due to discrimination".

she is a high school teacher, special ed, life skills, despite having neglected to teach her child any of the skills she tries to teach the students in her class, leaving her own fledgling bird for the nest of others while i fend for myself.

i lightly tap the egg against the counter. crack, peel, crack. "transgender youth may feel alienated and unprotected. as teachers, we must put aside any negative feelings we have about transgender people and create tolerant environments for students."

i finish peeling the first egg, i reach for another. the laptop continues speaking, but my mother and i say nothing, our backs to one another. "lets go through the letters of lgbtq. L stands for lesbian, a woman romantically or sexually attracted to another woman."

my cousin, (one of the only out of many other cousins close enough to my age to play with me), always my favorite as a child, who i have not seen in ten years after escaping her fathers grasp, holds out her arms to me on the dance floor. it is her brothers wedding night, and her handsome wife stands beside her.

"g stands for gay, a man who is sexually or romantically attracted to another man, but gay can also be used as an umbrella term", i fold myself into her embrace as if i am a toddler again, held close and snug. i whisper in her ear, "im gay too," just loud enough for her to hear, and we grin at one another.

"b stands for bisexual, someone who is attracted to all genders." deep blue, purple, pink, the colors of the evening crossing the sky in a sunset i pin to my chest happily, i fall in love with strangers every time i walk through town, i stand in wonder at how there could be so many beautiful people in the world.

"t stands for transgender, someone who identifies differently than their assigned gender at birth." in the back of my mothers old saturn i am young, four years old and asking her mama, am i a boy? of course not, why would you say that, youre a girl. i am on the track field, walking circles with someone i will one day beg my mind to forget, and i tenatively say- i dont think im a girl, but im not a boy either, im something else. he scoffs, thats not natural, thats not real. i lower my head and keep it there for years.

"q stands for queer." i am on the filthy floor of the high school, my side screaming in pain as my neighbors foot comes to my head yet again, "fucking queer" he spits, and my spirit breaks with my skin. i have peeled three eggs now, and somehow my hands only shake a little as i go to crack the fourth. "fucking queer" still rings in my ears, i tap the egg harder than i should.

my mother does not speak, the training course continues on. at last the eggs are smooth, soft, ready to be cooled. it is a blisteringly hot day, illinois summers have always been humid but in my lifetime i have never known a day as sweltering as this. still my feet itch to walk, to go out into the wall of heat. i peel off my shell, and step out away as my mother continues watching without a word. i walk until i forget how cracked i may feel.