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chiyoso · 1 year ago

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hira hira hira !!! hello !!! i wanted to greet once again a happy birthday (if it's still september first) and i hope you had fun when you were outside! i hope you spent your day happily and filled with gifts and love by the people who adore you <3

*rubs hands and clears throat* i now shall state my purpose of being back here again. please be warned about my idea, i think it's kind of triggering

i just wanna see a brainrot of mine be known by other people, and by that i mean [name] being pathetically in love with scaramouche that she lets herself be trampled over, be ridiculed, be the second choice, be out casted, be hated, be used as a mere plaything, be willingly manipulated, be the one always taking the blame until they just break down in tears, wondering what they did wrong that scaramouche wouldn't even look their way (inspired by what i feel what the song is about — i know you by faye webster)

yes, hira, i am perfectly fine, no need to worry about me :3 yes, hira, i don't mind with this mail not being posted !!! and yes, hira, i won't mind that you'll delete this if this made you uncomfy !! i hope you have a nice day, and always stay safe and happy !!!! mwa :3

JIJI — lovely, what a warm welcome (i just got home a few mins ago)

honestly, you've come to the right place, i love reading and writing dark content — and it may be hard to believe, but the things you mentioned in your idea? my little 15-17 years old self experienced it, not to mentio- i'll give you a small little rant about my ex in the past, perhaps to give you ideas in the process as well! (and yes, you can absolutely discuss things like this with me, i told you lovely, i'm absolutely open minded with anything and i tend to have a level headed/calm and open response, even with a taboo subject) without further ado

TW: HEAVY TOPICS, LONG READ, HIRAETH'S RELATIONSHIP LORE UNDER CUT

here, my naive 15 year old idled about in life with suicidal and depressed tendencies. dull, overworked and exhausted, in result of having to perform in plenty of stages that involved my skills as a musician. don't get me wrong, performing itself was great, taking the center stage with my other young performers, receiving gifts after — all was good in that aspect. but the negative began to seed, based off my desires to love or be enticed with the ideas of love, being cared for, being cherished. a busy life became dull, and the bullying i received from my classmates, teachers standing by — my world had dulled, causing me to drop out ultimately. i wanted to be cared for, a voice kept repeating inside my head. familial love in my eyes heavily differed to the love i craved subconsciously.

unfortunately for me, i was too observant, too keen, too aware. aware of my negative surroundings, growing negativity, my growing desire for love, but the world had continued to fail me continuously at the time, until i had enough, until i grew exhausted to the point where i wanted to — well, dying isnt really the best word, but i just wanted to live another life, i wanted to rest, i wanted to sleep endlessly.

and then.

three days. three days before i took action to cease my life, a game piqued my interest (knights chronicle) i was honestly in total auto mode, decisions weren't 100%, you could say i was mindlessly making decisions, my subconscious protecting me in its own way by distracting me with this "game" i impulsively downloaded.

skipping, i met him.

my ex. i had a persona on of course, to hide my abyss. i was a flirt, i was confident, i was who i write today on my fictions. this sudden persona? i have analyzed myself back then, and i've come to a conclusion that it was a persona manifested by desperation, absolute desperation to — yup, that's right, my rooted, inner desires, to love.

oh, i endeared ppl in that public chat — but i dont genuinely know what the fuck compelled me to my ex, but it was a force even i was unaware of why i felt a pull towards him, i still cant answer that myself. i flirted nonstop towards him specifically, relentless i was, desperate i was, but then it happened, i jokingly plugged in my instagram handle in chat — but he, he fucking remembered it, MESSAGED me, causing to stir hidden, brewing emotions, unaware that this simple, yet impactful act, would be my demise until feb-march of 2023.

oh it was lovely at first, i fell "in love" immediately. (nnh im cringing) and i let him know it, but it was one sided at first. i was heartstruck, lovestruck — no, lovesick. and this feeling dissipated any intention of suiciding. he was my savior, he was a savior in my eyes. shit, i was hopelessly... hopeless. shunning my family out, everyone, even my friends, fuck, and it was still one sided after a few months of friendship with him.

but since he voiced out ever so clearly, that he wasn't ready yet

my feelings wavered of course, and this carnal desire to be loved was immense, so, naturally, the husk of me sought out other attention, and i met someone online (imvu), he was sweet, a connection established, things were good — or... so i thought as i was blocked the next day. i was so desperate, so fucking naive and desperate that i went through his friends list and messaged a random friend. oh i was hopeless, so damn hopeless. but the guy unblocked me momentarily, i sought out closure, he reassured, and then just when i thought things were good again, he blocked me, once more. and our last messages together were "goodnight" to each other.

but this encounter with him?

i voiced this whole thing to my ex, and

at that day, at the same time, he confessed his feelings.

quite the coincidence, is it not?

so in my desperate state of self, i grew to love him as intensely, more than before. and things were good, at least for a few months.

relationships, of course, we had to show our "comfortable sides" eventually, no? and that we did. we were... different, too different, the opposite, fuck i cannot- i do not know where to begin. views, political views, the world, our interests, all was different, he was more difficult than i thought, more different, opening a world of new negativity within me, but guess what, i was still hopelessly and naively in love.

later.

all would come crashing down, one topic led to another, then another, until it became an argument, and he would later reveal that he merely saw this relationship — as a companionship. a companionship. not even a relationship. oh! oh! he stated that he viewed me as a puppy, a dog, and he was a master, CARING for the dog. a "conpanionship." by the way, in later, much later events, we would have multiple arguments about me expressing about the past, and if i bring this shit up, he would go

"not again, grace. i thought we were already done with the past, the past is done and i've already apologized"

"not again..."

"can you.... not bring the word (companionship) up? it traumatizes me grace..."

something along those lines. anyhow.

oh, ill indulge you, the moment he tried to leave me the first time — i begged, begged endlessly, crying, choking sobs, worrying my family. he stayed... because... i don't know? did he want us to work? did he pity me? did he love me? did he- yeah i dont know and ive long forgotten.

much, much later, we would have the worse arguments ever, until the rainbows, the sunshines and the good times were buried with our impactful arguments. i will admit, if we werent arguing, all was... fine. not dull. fine.

but shit, our arguments, i would be like this;

H: "PLEASE please... please... please don't leave me, dont leave me dont leave me dont leave me... please... i just- i just need reassurance... reassurance, its all i need, please...."

two ways, he complies because i need to fucking guide him since he cant come up or initiate his own, or he fucking goes away and gets burnt out and needs to leave the "argument"

i was BEGGING for the bare minimum. just- just if you've seen nat's recent scaramouche fic, our relationship was like that, but much more heavier, much more... i dont know.

RIGHT. AND WHEN I HAD ENOUGH AND WANTED TO LEAVE, HE WOULD FUCKING FOLD. HE WOULD THREATEN TO KILL HIMSELF. ?????????¿???2?!2?2!?21!1?

we broke up many times, and got back together many times. it was a cycle, a cycle of hell that i endured for 5 years. not to mention, HE was the one who brought up not having feelinge for him anymore, HE was the one who said he will change, he will end this cycle.

(i also could send ss in your asks if you wish, i dont really mind)

"grace, you're a hypocrite for wanting revenge!"

"this is so toxic..." (him referring to my expressing and begging for the bare minimum)

"please dont tell me im doing the bare minimum" - him, again

i believe im being biased, but nothing can quell the hidden hatred and anger i've developed from being with him lmao

oh when i initiated the breakup talk (again) this year, he beat me first to it, to utter the words. and you wanna know what he said blatantly?

"yeah i... im just scared of it coming from you"

BEAT ME TO IT BECAUSE HE FEARS THE REALITY OF ME FINALLY BEING DONE

and yes, i do not deny the hardwork, the good times, but it is all buried underneath the fucking trauma he induced lmao, the shitty arguments, the emotional trauma, he was so emotionally unintelligent.

and guess. fucking. what.

he started to do the shit ive begged for AFTER i was finally done with him, which was just a few months ago of our officially, official breakup. playing valorant after expressing not wanting to play it, calling it a trash game, playing genshin now but before he found it so utterly boring, and SO FUCKING ON.

ahem. this is just 12% of the contents in my relationship previously, im just shortcutting things because this reply is getting longer than i thought...

genuinely sorry for the vent lore 😭 but i hope this experience of mine helps you in your writing and especially dolly 🫶

#💌 mailed to hiraeth #💌|·❍✧⃝·° H's recipient: ciarchivez

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