haru yo, koi â yang jungwon.
synopsis. Life is fragile. Youâve known this ever since you got diagnosed with a rare disease that gives you only 10 years to live. You tell yourself to not fall in love, but then you meet Yang Jungwon in the middle of a park surrounded by cherry blossom trees. But just like the fleetingness of the cherry blossoms, your romance with Jungwon is short lived. You can only hope that the universe will be kind enough to offer you a second chance.
genre. angst, fluff, friends to lovers to ?, inspired by the movie the last 10 years.
pairing. non-idol! jungwon x fem! reader
warnings. reader and jungwon are 22, mentions of death, hospital, disease, illness, one scene where drinking is involved, probably some medical inaccuracies
word count. 34.9k
authorâs note. hello! haru yo koi is finally here and i am so excited for u all to read it !! i hope there arenât any glitches or anything esp since i had to use the legacy editor đđ so praying thereâs no issues w this đ this is the longest fic ive ever written and i rlly rlly hope u all enjoy it <3 pls give ur thoughts / feedback in an ask or comment ! they mean a lot to me <33 enjoyyy <3
ONE.
The clock is always ticking.Â
You remind yourself of this daily. Most people your age donât exactly think about death coming to knock on their door â but you think youâre quite prepared. You have been for quite a while.Â
You peer outside your window for a split second, taking a break from writing. You see people on the street with bright smiles plastered across their lips. You wish you could be as carefree as they are, and not constantly worried about whether your life will slip away in just the next second.
You were diagnosed with a rare incurable disease when you were 17. Youâve got 10 years, they say. But even though they had said 10 years, you could still pass suddenly â so in some way, you might have less than 10. Slowly but surely, youâve come to accept that this is your fate.Â
âItâs spring, (Name).â You suddenly hear the voice of Chaewon, your older sister. âDo you want to go see the cherry blossoms?âÂ
You donât turn your head to look at her. âGo with Soobin.âÂ
âI am going with Soobin. Iâm just asking if you wanted to come with us.â she asks, and you finally look at her.
âItâs okay,â you tell her. âI donât want to ruin your date.âÂ
â(Name), you wonât be. Come on. You canât just⊠spend the rest of your days at home.â she sighs.Â
Your sister has 10 years to live. Everything came crashing down when Chaewon heard those 7 words. She had never imagined that she would have to lose someone so close to her so early in life, and she didnât think that out of all people, it would be you.Â
Life is fragile. It is even more fragile for you. Now, youâre 5 years into your death sentence. The clock is ticking, and youâve only got 5 years left. 5 years seems like such a long time to most people â but to you, itâs all you have left.
Is 5 years too much time, or none at all?Â
Chaewon looks at you, silently peering outside your window. She doesnât know why you arenât trying to experience life to its fullest, knowing that you only have a couple more years left.Â
She wants to spend time with you. She doesnât want to see you holed up in your room, spending every day, every month, and every year doing nothing until your time is up.Â
Chaewon has had a whole list of things she wanted to do with you ever since she was 8. Travelling, going to concerts, skydiving â all things she thought she would be able to do with you when you both got older.
But with your diagnosis, checking off that bucket list seems like an impossible task.
âCome⊠please?â Chaewon asks, and you reluctantly get up from your chair. Your sister smiles, handing you your coat that youâve got hung up on one of the hooks attached to your wall. âIf you and Soobin kiss in front of me, Iâm leaving.âÂ
Chaewon follows you as you leave your room, watching as you adjust the collar of your coat. âWeâre not going to⊠whatever.âÂ
Soobin is already waiting in the living room, talking to your parents. âHi, (Name).â Soobin greets you with a smile. You wave at your sisterâs boyfriend before going to the kitchen to get a cup of water.Â
Youâve known Soobin for quite a while now. Heâs been your sisterâs boyfriend ever since high school, and now heâs a doctor. Apparently, your illness was what motivated him to pursue the career.Â
âIâm looking for a cure,â he tells you all the time.Â
Your previous doctors have told you that your illness was incurable. You think that Soobin searching for something that probably doesnât exist would be a waste of time. While youâre thankful for Soobin trying his best to keep you alive, you think youâve accepted your fate already.Â
You watch as Chaewon laces her hands with Soobinâs, before bidding goodbye to your parents. âBe careful, (Name).â your father says, and you nod. He says this every time you head outside. âOkay, dad.âÂ
You walk alongside the happy couple, watching as a bright smile spreads across your sisterâs lips as Soobin cracks a funny joke. You look at the pavement with an amused smile â what Soobin said was indeed pretty funny.Â
A few years ago, you had asked Chaewon a question.Â
What does falling in love feel like?Â
Because you donât think itâs something that youâll ever be able to experience. If you fall in love with someone, thatâs another person thatâs going to hurt when you pass away abruptly. You donât want to be a burden to others more than you already have. So, you tell yourself that you shouldnât fall in love.Â
Chaewon had replied to you with a fond smile on her face. She talks about Soobin as if he means the world to her. âItâs like⊠you feel so much joy to the point where you feel like your heart will burst at the seams. Falling in love is different for everyone, I think. Your experience is uniquely yours.âÂ
âOh,â you said.Â
âYou shouldnât be scared of falling in love, (Name).â she tells you.Â
Chaewon says many things that you donât listen to. Not because you think that her ideas or her words are stupid, itâs just⊠you donât think she understands. She tells you to live life to its fullest, but how are you supposed to do that when youâre constantly reminded that you could die suddenly?Â
Youâre the one dying.Â
Not her.Â
You shove your hands in your pocket with a sigh. âWeâre here,â Soobin says, and you look up. The cherry blossom trees are beautiful. The vibrant pink flowers are beautiful, and you watch as some of the petals cascade down to the pavement. âItâs really pretty, isnât it?â Chaewon asks you, and you nod.Â
âLet me get a picture of you both,â Soobin says, and Chaewon links her arm with yours. You both look at the camera, with Chaewon doing a peace sign while you simply smile. âNice,â Soobin says, after snapping the picture.Â
âDo you want one with Soobin?â you ask Chaewon, and she nods. Soobin hands you the camera with a grateful smile. Chaewon rests her head on Soobinâs shoulder, her hands laced with his. âOne, two, three.â you say as you take the picture.Â
Your sister looks at Soobin with so much love and adoration. It makes you happy that your sisterâs found the right person for her.Â
âIâm going to look around the park,â you tell Chaewon. She nods, telling you to be careful before you walk off.Â
You take a deep breath as you walk around, seeing happy couples, old and young, roaming around the park together. You feel the slightest bit of envy when you remember that youâll never really get to experience what itâs like to love.
You look up at one of the many cherry blossom trees in the park.
In some way, youâd compare yourself to one of these majestic trees.Â
Cherry blossoms are known for their existence to be short-lived. They symbolise transience, ephemerality. They fall to the pavement as quickly as they bloom.
Just like the cherry blossoms, your existence will be short-lived. Youâre running on borrowed time, and you donât know when that time will run out.Â
Every breath you take could be your last.Â
There is a peaceful quietness as you wander around the park, admiring the vibrant pink hues of the flowers in full bloom. The faint smell of the flowers waft through the air, and you watch as some of the petals fall to the pavement.Â
The quietness is interrupted by a dog bark. A white dog runs up to you, and you look at it, startled and confused. Suddenly, a boy who looks around your age runs up to you.Â
âI am so sorry about Maeumi,â he says, attaching the leash back onto his dog. âHeâs a little energetic sometimes.âÂ
You look at the boy, and something about him feels familiar. Those eyes â youâd recognise them anywhere.Â
Itâs Yang Jungwon, an old classmate of yours. He was the head of the student council during your time at the school, and you remember him even though you werenât exactly there much due to your illness. But Jungwon was always a kind person, helping out anyone in need. He was friendly, and popular. You knew that many people had a crush on him, including your friend Minji.
âWait a minute,â Jungwonâs eyes narrow suddenly. Something seems to click, and he gasps. âYouâre (Name), right? We were in the same class in high school.âÂ
Youâre surprised that even with all his busy duties in high school and with you constantly being away at the hospital, Yang Jungwon still remembers you.
âYeah, I am,â you say, a small smile on your lips. âIâm surprised you remember who I am.âÂ
âOf course Iâd remember you!â Jungwonâs eyes seem to twinkle as he says the words. âWe worked together on a project for biology once. Do you remember me?âÂ
You chuckle. âOf course. Yang Jungwon. Head of the student council.âÂ
Jungwon smiles. âYeah. Thatâs me.âÂ
Thereâs a brief moment of silence where you and Jungwon just look at each other, small smiles on both of your faces. Maeumi sits patiently as a few of the cherry blossom petals land on his fur.Â
âSo⊠what have you been up to?â Jungwon asks you, looking genuinely interested. How are you supposed to respond to that? Because really, youâre not going to just tell him that what youâve been up to is⊠hospital.Â
âUm⊠work. Got a job,â you lie, nodding. âWhat about you?âÂ
âIâm a lawyer now,â Jungwon replies, and you smile. âLaw. It suits you.âÂ
âHuh. Everyone tells me that,â Jungwon runs his fingers through his hair to make it a little neater. âSo⊠what do you do at work?âÂ
âWriting. I⊠write.â Well, that wasnât a complete lie. You do write, just⊠not for work. Youâve only been working on one thing ever since you got your diagnosis â itâs something akin to a diary, recounting your journey through the last 10 years of your life.
Maybe youâll get to see it published before youâre gone.
âOh, thatâs so cool!â Jungwon beams. âI know your writingâs great. You wrote for the school newspaper, right?âÂ
It seems like Yang Jungwon remembers a lot about you. You wrote occasionally for the school newspaper when you were well enough to actually write. Youâre surprised he remembers that, and youâre quite surprised that he actually read the school newspaper â you thought that with his busy schedule, he wouldnât have had the time to.
âI did. You have a good memory.âÂ
âThank you.â Jungwon cracks a smile. The boy looks at the cherry blossom trees, before returning his focus onto you. âTheyâre pretty, arenât they?â he asks, and you nod.
âI like the colours.â you say, quietly.
âMe too.âÂ
â(Name), Soobin just got an emergency at the hospital, so heâs had to leaveâ oh!â Chaewon suddenly appears out of nowhere, startling both you and Jungwon. âSorry, I didnât know that you were talking to someone.âÂ
âOh, itâs okay.â you tell your sister, who looks at you, then looks at Jungwon, then looks at you again. âWas I interrupting something?â she asks, with a small smile on her lips.Â
âWe were just looking at the cherry blossoms.â Jungwon pipes up. âIâm Jungwon. Itâs nice to meet you.âÂ
âChaewon,â your sister says. âDo you know my sister?â
âWe went to high school together,â you tell her. âJungwon was the head of the student council. Iâm actually quite surprised he still remembers me, considering how⊠you know.âÂ
âYes. I know.âÂ
Jungwon doesnât know exactly what you and Chaewon are talking about, but it seems personal â and he wouldnât want to pry. And, you keep mentioning how youâre extremely shocked at the fact that Jungwon seems to remember you.
But, why wouldnât Jungwon remember his first crush?Â
Something about you intrigued Jungwon the moment you stepped into the classroom for the first time. It was seventh grade, and you had walked into the room with a small smile on your lips. Jungwon remembers you catching his attention instantly.Â
You two were partnered together for a project, and you both had quite a few pleasant conversations while working on the assignment. Jungwon remembers walking home with a giddy smile on his lips after he had gone to your house.Â
But gradually, you started to disappear.Â
Throughout high school, Jungwon tried to talk to you as much as he could. Problem was, you were almost never at school, and when you were at school, Jungwon always seemed to be busy.
So Jungwon was never able to get closer to you. He couldnât get to know you better, or find out why he found himself gravitating towards you.Â
You didnât even show up for graduation.Â
The last time Jungwon remembers seeing you was in class one day. You were wrapped in a puffer jacket, a hand warmer in your hands. You looked pale. Jungwon assumed that you mightâve gotten a cold.
He didnât know that you were sick. He still doesnât know that youâre sick. Nobody from high school knows, with the exception of Minji and Wonyoung.Â
He just assumed you were always busy with out of school activities. But he never forgot about you.Â
âOh, that reminds me. Rickyâs hosting a reunion party next week for our grade? Weâd love for you to come.â Jungwon says, and Chaewon nudges you gently. âYou should go,â your sister whispers to you.
âOh, I⊠I donât know. I donât think people there will really remember me.â you murmur, and Jungwon shakes his head. âNo, they will! Just come along. Here, Iâll give you my number, since Rickyâs still making decisions on which restaurant heâs booking. Iâll text you the details.âÂ
You type in Jungwonâs number into your phone slowly, saving his contact. âIt was really nice seeing you again. What a coincidence, right?â he beams.
âIt was nice seeing you again too, Jungwon. Iâll⊠let you know if I go.âÂ
âIâve got to run along now, a friend of mineâs waiting for me.â Jungwon says, a small pout on his lips. âBut yeah, text me! Iâll talk to you soon.âÂ
âSee you around, Jungwon.â you say softly, and the boy gives you one last big smile before turning around to leave. Chaewon looks at you with a wide grin on her lips. âCome on, you should go!âÂ
âI donât know,â you say hesitantly. Youâre not even sure if people remember you. Or know you at all. You attended school less than 20 times in your last year â to be completely honest, even you found it strange that you graduated. âWhat if people are like âwho are you?â It would make things really awkward.âÂ
âSo? Jungwon knows you. Invite Minji and Wonyoung. There, you know four people. Come on, (Name). You should live your life to the fullest.âÂ
As youâre nearing the end of the 10 years that the doctor has given you, you decide that perhaps Chaewon is right. Youâve spent years wallowing in self-pity, spending all your days at home when you couldâve been spending time doing things that youâve always wanted to do. See people you never thought youâd see again. Go to places that youâve always wanted to go to.
You take a deep breath. âOkay. Iâll go.âÂ
And as a pink cherry blossom petal brushes against your cheek, you return home with Chaewon by your side, and the thought of Yang Jungwon in the back of your mind.Â
TWO.Â
âYou saw Yang Jungwon again?â Minji nearly shrieks, as you take a sip of tea from your cup.
Almost immediately after you had returned home, you had messaged Minji and Wonyoung about the gathering that Ricky was holding. Apparently, Wonyoung had gotten a message from someone about it but mistook it for a spam message.
âYeah. Soobin and Chaewon wanted to go see the cherry blossoms, so they dragged me with them. Jungwonâs dog bumped into me at the park and⊠we talked for a bit.â you explain, as Wonyoung and Minji listen intently.Â
âAnd he invited you to the gathering?âÂ
âI mean⊠he said it was for our grade. He gave me his number, so heâll be texting me about the details of the gathering in a bit.â you say, and Minji nearly chokes on her drink.Â
âHe gave you his number?âÂ
âYeah. Why are you gawking at me like that, Minji? Are you still in love with Jungwon? Because, not to remind you, but youâre in a very committed relationship. I swear Hajoon is going to propose any minute now.â you say, and Minji shakes her head. âNo, no â itâs just⊠I donât remember Jungwon being this forward.âÂ
âMaybe heâs just being nice.â you say.
âJungwonâs always nice.â Wonyoung chimes in. âHe was good friends with everyone. But I will say, no offence, I am quite surprised he remembers you, (Name).âÂ
Honestly, youâre the most surprised out of everyone. âYes. It was a little shocking.âÂ
âSo, what does he look like now?â Minji asks, looking at you curiously. âJust about the same as before. Or at least, the last time I saw him. Just slightly older.â
âItâs been around 4 years since we graduated, (Name),â Wonyoung says. âOf course heâll look a little older.âÂ
Minji told you once that Jungwon has something she calls a âfirst love smileâ. You never quite understood what she meant when she told you, possibly because you were focusing on not dying, but now you sort of understand why she described his smile that way.Â
Jungwonâs smile just makes you feel⊠safe. You hadnât seen him in a very long time, yet he still managed to make himself seem familiar to you. During your time at school, you didnât talk with him much, you didnât see him much â but you felt comfortable talking to him in the middle of the park, cherry blossom trees surrounding you two. It was like you two had been close for a long time.
âSo⊠youâre going to go to the gathering, right? After Jungwon invited you?â Wonyoung asks, and you nod. âI might as well. You know⊠I figure that I should probably see everyone again before time runs out.âÂ
Your friends suddenly go silent.
The topic of your impending death has always been one that Minji and Wonyoung have tried to avoid. Mostly because they believe that someday, some doctor will find a magical cure. One thatâll make you feel better, and you can live a long happy life like you had intended to before your diagnosis.Â
But with only 5 years left, you know theyâre starting to lose hope. You lost that hope a long time ago.Â
âSorry. Didnât mean to dampen the mood,â you give your friends a small smile, and Wonyoung shakes her head. âNo, no. Itâs okay, (Name).â she returns the gesture, but you can see that emotion in her eyes â sadness.
Youâve known Wonyoung and Minji ever since you two were little. You all had plans to stay friends forever, to see each other get their first job, to see each other get married, and to see each other grow old together, preferably in a small town with lots of cafes and beautiful scenery.Â
Those plans are now gone. It was always (Name), Minji and Wonyoung. Once you leave, itâll just be Minji and Wonyoung. No longer the âgolden trioâ, as you three had called yourselves.Â
âMaybe Soobin will figure something out.â Minji hums. She really hopes that he does. Sheâs known that you've been living on borrowed time for 5 years now, but it never gets easier when she remembers that soon, sheâll have to live a life without you being there. She doesnât want that.Â
Neither does Wonyoung. Thinking about the fact that gatherings after your passing will just be her and Minji, and theyâll always be reminded of the fact that youâre supposed to be there, talking, laughing and smiling with the two of them.Â
Thinking about life without you is already difficult enough. When you leave, Minji and Wonyoung know that things will be much harder than they are now.
âI mean⊠he tells me that all the time. Chaewonâs holding out some hope, but I don't know. Iâm prepared. Iâve been prepared since I was told the news.â you reply, and Minji looks at you sadly.
âOut of all people⊠it shouldnât have been you.â Wonyoung reaches her hand out to squeeze yours, and you give her a soft smile.
âI know,â you hum.Â
The atmosphere is now sad, and dull. Minji and Wonyoung both have frowns on their faces, and you feel like you should lighten the mood. You give them both a bright smile. âOkay, enough sadness. Come on, letâs go out.âÂ
You three get up from your chairs, but not before fighting over who pays the bill. In the end, Wonyoung wins â you tell her that youâll be paying next time.Â
Then, you suddenly get a text message. Itâs from Jungwon, who tells you that the reunion will be at a restaurant that Jo owns. You reply with a thank you, and you tell him that Minji and Wonyoung will be coming as well.
He replies with a âi'm excited to see you soon!â and a smiley face. You smile when you read the message, putting your phone back in your pocket after you like his text.
âJungwon says the reunion is at Joâs restaurant. He sent me the location,â you tell Minji and Wonyoung. âJo runs a restaurant? Didn't expect that from him, if Iâm being honest.â Wonyoung chuckles. You always thought Jo would end up being a professional basketball player, since he talked about it constantly.Â
âYeah,â you agree. âNow come on, letâs go.âÂ
As you step out of the cafe, the faint smell of cherry blossoms waft through the air.Â
THREE.
âWell, you look pretty.â Chaewon says to you, a bright smile on her face. âReunionâs tonight, isnât it?âÂ
You nod, smoothing out the wrinkles on your skirt. âYeah. Minjiâs picking me and Wonyoung up. Or really, Hajoon, since heâs driving. Is Soobin coming over tonight?âÂ
Chaewon shakes her head, pouring herself a cup of tea. âJust me tonight,â she says, taking a sip of the drink. âSoobinâs got some patients to look after, and he says he wonât be done until 3am, or something. Iâm going to make dinner for Mom and Dad, and I'll probably watch some dramas in bed.âÂ
âSounds like fun.â you say, grabbing your purse off one of the hooks on the wall.Â
âLet me know how tonight goes, hmm?â Chaewon says, giving you a side hug. âBe careful, by the way. You took your medicine, right?âÂ
You sigh. âYou know I would never forget about that.âÂ
âJust looking out for you,â Chaewon shrugs. âHave a fun night.âÂ
You wave goodbye at your sister before you leave the house, closing the door behind you. You walk down the stairs, and youâre greeted by Minji, Wonyoung and Hajoon. âCome on! Weâre going to be late!âÂ
You hurry into the car, slamming the car door shut after you slide into the seat next to Wonyoung. âYou look so pretty, (Name)! I love your outfit.âÂ
âThanks, Wonyo. You look very pretty too.â you say, and Wonyoung smiles. Wonyoung always looks gorgeous. She was just as popular as Jungwon â everyone had a crush on her as well.Â
âHajoon, are you joining us?â you ask Minjiâs boyfriend, and he nods. âShe insisted that I come, in fact.â he chuckles.
âYou guys are adorable,â Wonyoung says. âPut bleach in my eyes.â she whispers to you, and you stifle a giggle.
The ride to Joâs restaurant is surprisingly quick from your place. You get out of the car, brushing your hair out of your face. You havenât seen these people in years, and youâre pretty nervous â you know that thereâs a high possibility that youâll get bombarded with questions about why you were never at school.
You just have to come up with a lie. Or Minji and Wonyoung can come up with one for you.Â
âCome on, letâs go!â Minji seems awfully excited, as she practically skips into the restaurant. You, Wonyoung and Hajoon look at her, amused, before following her.
The first thing that catches your attention about Joâs restaurant is that the food already smells great. âAre you four here for the reunion?â a waiter asks you all, and Minji nods.
âRight this way, please.â He leads you four to a room, and opens the door. âOh my god, Minji, Wonyoung and (Name)!â Haruna says, when she sees you three walk in. âHi, long time no see!â Minji says, giving the girl a hug.
Somehow, your eyes immediately meet Jungwonâs. He gives you a warm smile, pointing to the free seat next to him. You take that as an invitation to sit there. âHi,â he says. âYou look nice.âÂ
Your cheeks feel a little bit hot. âThank you. You look very nice too,â you say. Jungwonâs wearing a black t-shirt and pants, and thereâs a blue jacket draped over the back post of his chair.Â
You then notice the earrings dangling from Jungwonâs ears. âOh, you got piercings.â you say, and Jungwon nods. âYeah. Had them when we met in the park a few days ago.âÂ
âI didnât notice,â you reply, chuckling. âThey suit you.âÂ
âAlright, (Name), stop flirting with Jungwon! The foodâs here.â Hanni says, and you furrow your eyebrows. âWhat? I wasnâtâ never mind.âÂ
You donât notice how Jungwonâs cheeks have flushed bright red. But, Ricky does.
âYouâre still into her, arenât you?â he whispers into Jungwonâs ear. Jungwon turns to look at Ricky, pursing his lips. âWhat? I⊠I donât know. We havenât met in so long, and I really donât know much about her.â Jungwon replies, volume of his voice matching Rickyâs.Â
âThen get to know her better. Didnât you say you got her number? Text her after this gathering and then ask if she wants to hang out. Itâs as simple as that.âÂ
Jungwon sighs, eyes trained on you, whoâs talking and laughing with Hanni. âSheâs probably going to be at work. We all have lives now, and⊠I donât know. I donât want to be a bother.â Ricky notices the way Jungwon gazes at you like youâre his entire world, and a small smirk graces his lips.
âI donât think you will. (Name)âs nice. It canât hurt to ask her to⊠I donât know, have coffee, or grab lunch together.â Ricky suggests, shrugging. Jungwon has been pining for you forever. Itâs about time he did something about his feelings.
Ricky does have a few points, Jungwon thinks. He missed all of his chances in high school to get to know you better, but doing something late is better than not doing it at all, right?Â
Jungwon takes a shot of the soju that Ricky had poured him. â(Name), are you going to be drinking?â Hanni asks you, and you shake your head, a polite smile on your lips. âIâm good. I donât drink. Thank you for the offer, though.âÂ
You turn to Jungwon when heâs drunk 3 shots. âHowâs Maeumi?â you ask him, and Jungwon smiles at you, his face flushed slightly pink due to the alcohol.Â
âGood,â he says, beaming. âMaeumiâs⊠heâs a cute dog.âÂ
You chuckle. âHe is. So⊠did you take any nice pictures of the cherry blossoms when I saw you a few days ago?âÂ
âYeah,â Jungwon replies, the smile never leaving his lips. He looks at you with bright, gleaming eyes. His eyes are very pretty. âTook lots of them.âÂ
âThatâs nice,â you say.Â
âWe should go again sometime,â he says, his cheeks somehow redder than before. You donât know if itâs because of the alcohol, or because heâs nervous about asking you to spend some time with him.Â
The truth is, itâs both.
âYeah, of course,â you breathe out. âSounds like fun. Iâm⊠not too busy â I mean, Iâm never busy, so just text me.â Jungwon smiles at your words, and you donât notice how Rickyâs watching you two interact with the biggest grin on his lips.
Heâs watched Jungwon pine over you for the last few years of school. He knows about Jungwonâs lack of courage to just go up to you and talk to you, to get to know you better outside of school projects. He knows about Jungwonâs regret over not being able to muster up that courage, and then watching as he realises that youâve slowly disappeared.
And now, watching as he finally gets that courage. Or at least, a little bit of it. It might be the soju giving him an extra boost of confidence, but Rickyâs not complaining. Neither are you, and neither is Jungwon.Â
The rest of the time at the reunion is spent talking about whatâs going on with everyone elseâs lives. Joâs a chef, since he runs the restaurant that you all were dining in. Jungwonâs a lawyer, as heâs told you that when you two met in the park. Rickyâs working as a model, like Wonyoung. Admittedly, youâre quite surprised their paths havenât crossed before this reunion.Â
Hanniâs a dancer, like you always knew sheâd be. Minji and Hajoon are told to get married by practically everyone, leaving both of them a blushing mess.Â
Then, Ricky takes out a box thatâs all too familiar. âRemember this, guys?â Itâs the time capsule that you all buried when you were 12, where all of you put in a message for you in the future. âI thought weâd open these now, because⊠well, it's been 10 years. So letâs do it together!âÂ
Ricky hands everyone their letters, and when he gives you yours, you take it hesitantly. Itâs a blue envelope, the front decorated with stickers. Dear Future (Name), itâs addressed to.
With shaky hands, you carefully remove the seal from the back of the envelope, taking out your letter.Â
Hello, future (Name)! Itâs me, you from 10 years ago. How are you doing? Since itâs been 10 years, I think Iâll have a lot of questions! Are you still writing? Have you become an author like we always wanted to be? Are you still friends with Minji and Wonyoung? Howâs Chaewon? Have you ticked off some of the boxes on the shared bucket list? Are you in love? Iâm going to decorate this envelope well, so you should keep it in a safe space. I donât know what you are doing now, or maybe I should say we, since we are the same person. But donât stress yourself out. Treasure every day! Life is beautiful. May you live a long, happy life.Â
Little you will most likely not be very happy with the outcome of your life. Youâre 22, single, and dying.Â
You havenât ticked off anything on yours and Chaewonâs bucket list. You havenât become an author, like you wanted to. You havenât treasured every day like you told yourself to. You havenât appreciated the beauty of life enough.
And you wonât be able to live a long, happy life.
Reading your letter now makes you regret the way youâve spent the last 5 years. Youâve got 5 years left on that clock, and the time wonât slow down anytime soon. Maybe itâs time to listen to yourself, to treasure every day like you had said to.
You donât realise that youâre tearing up a little until Jungwon nudges you softly. âAre you okay?â his words are slightly slurred, meaning heâs probably drunk a little bit more. Youâre a little surprised that despite how he seems to be slightly drunk, heâs still noticed the change in your demeanour.Â
âYes, Iâm fine, Jungwon. Thank you for asking,â you say, giving him a small smile. He nods, giving you a bright grin that seems to turn your mood around, slightly. âDonât be sad. Whatever youâre going through⊠things will work out. Everything will be just fine.âÂ
Yes, you tell yourself. Everything will be just fine.
FOUR.
Jungwon calls you pretty that night.Â
Itâs sudden, and it probably doesnât mean anything. Heâs a little drunk, and even though Minji constantly tells you that drunk words are sober thoughts, you choose to forget about it.
Yang Jungwon doesnât know you well. Why would he have any feelings for you? But lately, small things that you wouldâve considered to be somewhat insignificant have been reminding you of the boy. Cherry blossoms, small white dogs, grey hoodies, and black beanies.Â
But you will admit, hearing those words from him did make you feel something youâve never felt before. A mix of nervousness and joy, is how youâd describe it. Your cheeks felt hot, and you suddenly felt shy.
âWhat are you thinking about?â Chaewon asks you, as you stare at the scenery outside your window. âThe cherry blossom season is almost over,â you tell her, and she nods. âYes. Arenât you glad we saw them a little earlier?âÂ
You smile. âI am glad.â
Chaewonâs noticed a small change in your attitude. Youâre no longer always holed up in your room, constantly wanting to go outside â maybe youâve finally started taking her advice, to live life to the fullest. It makes her happy. She wants you to make millions of memories that will bring you nothing but joy before you go. If you do have to pass early, she wants you to feel like youâve done everything youâve wanted to do.Â
You suddenly hear a buzz from your phone, and you check the text message. Itâs from Jungwon, and you donât notice Chaewon peering over your shoulder when you read the text. Wanna see the cherry blossoms together? Iâm at the same park, the text reads, and before you can type out a response, Chaewon tells you that you should go.
âThat was what I was going to say.â you tell her, and she looks at you, a mix of joy and surprise on her face. She used to have to convince you to go hang out with people who werenât Minji and Wonyoung, and now youâre doing it because you want to.
This Jungwon boy must be someone that you would consider special.Â
Chaewon leaves your room to tell your parents that youâre going out. You get up from your chair, heading towards your closet. You pick out a simple cardigan and jeans, changing into the outfit quickly.Â
âYou changed fast.â Chaewon says, and you nod, grabbing your bag. âJungwonâs at the park already, and I donât want to keep him waiting.âÂ
âDo you like Jungwon?â she asks you, and you give your sister a look. âOf course I like Jungwon. Heâs a nice guy.â you reply, and Chaewon sighs in exasperation. âI didnât mean it like that, (Name). I meant like⊠do you have a crush on him?âÂ
You pause. Youâre not sure. Heâs nice, and heâs good looking. But you donât quite know him well enough to make a decision about it, plus, your thoughts on love havenât really changed much. Hypothetically, if you and Jungwon were to get into a relationship, youâd die in less than 5 years.Â
You couldnât hurt someone as kind and genuine as him.
âI⊠I donât know. Heâs a sweet guy, thatâs all I can say.âÂ
âThatâs exactly what I said about Soobin.â she says, and you shrug. âOkay. See you in a bit.â you reply â you donât know how else to continue this conversation. Knowing your own sister, Chaewon could very well press you for answers about how you feel towards Jungwon, but the truth is that you donât know. So, you remove yourself from the situation.
You head towards the park, looking through the contents in your bag. Thereâs a video camera that you havenât used in quite some time, and you pull it out to inspect it. You turn it on, and surprisingly, it still works.
Thereâs a couple pictures of you, Minji and Wonyoung in the gallery, and some of you and Chaewon as little kids. You decide to take a picture of the cherry blossom trees with the camera, pausing for just a split second to take a photo of the beautiful trees and their flowers.Â
âHey,â Jungwon says, startling you. âHi! Sorry. Was just taking a picture of the cherry blossoms.â you say, gesturing towards your camera.Â
âDon't apologise! Iâm sorry for surprising you,â he says, and you shake your head. âItâs all good. Looks like Maeumi isnât here today,â you reply, noting the absence of his dog.
âYeah. My sister took him out on a walk this morning already.â Jungwon chuckles, and you two enter the park, walking beside each other. âThatâs nice. Guess itâs just you and me, then.â you reply, smiling at him.Â
Jungwonâs heart races at your words. âYeah. You and me.âÂ
âThe cherry blossom season is almost over,â you hum, holding your camera up to record a video of the scenery. âItâs a shame that theyâre so short lived.âÂ
âI wish we could see them year-round. Theyâre too beautiful.â Jungwon comments, and you nod. You pan the camera towards him, and he flashes a bright smile and holds up a peace sign, making you laugh. Jungwon stops to pick up a perfectly intact cherry blossom flower thatâs fallen on the floor. âHere,â he says, holding it out to you.Â
âYou take it,â you say, the camera still fixed on him.Â
Jungwon opts to brush a strand of your hair aside, tucking the small flower behind your ear. The flower is small, fragile, barely visible if youâre standing too far. Jungwonâs worried that the petals will fall off. But you look beautiful.Â
You look at him, your cheeks burning hot and a smile thatâs unconsciously made its way to your lips. âFlower.â he hums.
âYes. Flower,â you reply. âThank you, by the way.âÂ
âNo worries. You⊠you look nice.âÂ
âThank you.âÂ
Jungwon looks around, noticing a bunch of couples in the park. He canât help but wonder if those couples think that you two are together as well.Â
âI like cherry blossoms.â you suddenly pipe up, and Jungwon redirects his attention to you. âWhy?â he asks you, intrigued as to why you suddenly blurted out this statement.Â
âTheyâre beautiful, but they donât last for a very long time. Theyâre very interesting to me.â you say, admiring the pink blossoms. âThey feel familiar.âÂ
âYes. But I suppose the short-liveness of them allows us to appreciate and admire them more, doesnât it? Since we know it doesnât last for a very long time, we hold them dearer, and cherish them more.â Jungwon replies, looking at you with a smile.Â
Heâs right. The reason why cherry blossoms feel familiar to you, is because you find yourself halfway through the process of the blooming and the wilting of these flowers. With only 5 years left, youâre wilting, while someone like Jungwon has just started to bloom.Â
âYes. And theyâre beautiful, arenât they?â you hum, looking at the pink blossoms above.
âThey are.â he says, his eyes fixed on you. Only you.Â
Jungwon doesnât know that during your whole monologue about the cherry blossoms, youâre implying that like these magnificent flowers, your existence is short lived too.Â
FIVE.
Soobin proposes to Chaewon a week after you and Jungwon go to the park.
You watch as he gets down on one knee, Chaewonâs hand clasping over her mouth in shock. You stand there on the side with your parents, camera in hand, smiling at the sight.Â
âI wanna spend forever with you, Chae.â he tells her.Â
Forever. Foreverâs a funny word.Â
The literal definition of forever is for all time. If forever is for all time, your forever ends in five years. Chaewon and Soobin still have many years to go in their forever.Â
You realise that youâve been pitying yourself again. You should be happy. 5 years for a forever isnât that bad, you tell yourself. So, you push that thought into the back of your mind, focusing on the scene that plays out in front of you.Â
âSo⊠what do you say? Will you marry me, Kim Chaewon?âÂ
âI will. I will marry you, Choi Soobin.â your sister says, her eyes glimmering with tears. Your family erupts into cheers, your father hugging your mother tightly before he wraps you in a huge hug too.
Your sister is getting married.Â
Chaewon runs up to you, and you give her a hug. âYouâre engaged,â you tell her, and she smiles. âIâm engaged!â she says, showing you and the camera youâre holding the ring. Itâs gorgeous â Soobin had shown you it a couple days ago when he asked to grab coffee with you.
You thought he was going to give you some horrible news about your condition, but instead he told you that he was planning on asking Chaewon to marry him. You let out a huge sigh of relief at that.Â
At the time, he had no idea where he would propose. You suggested the place where he had first met Chaewon, but heâd only replied with: âIâm not proposing to your sister in a hospital.â
Which was probably a smart thing to say.Â
âDid you know about this?â she asks you, and you shrug. âA little. I mean, your fiancĂ©e over there only told me a few days ago.â you reply, nodding at Soobin.Â
âBut, I will say, Iâm not surprised. It was going to happen, sooner or later. You two are perfect for each other,â you say, giving Chaewon another hug.Â
Iâm glad I can see you get married before I go, you want to tell her. But sheâs in such a good mood, you wouldnât want to ruin it. She skips back towards Soobin, whoâs hugging his own parents. Thereâs a giant grin plastered on her lips as she takes his hand in hers. âCongratulations,â your father says, as the happy couple approaches your family, alongside with Soobinâs parents.Â
âYou shouldâve done it earlier, Soobin!â your mother says, and a pink blush dusts Soobinâs cheeks. âIâve been thinking about it for a long time,â he says. âIâm happy she said yes.âÂ
âWhy wouldnât I?â Chaewon says, kissing him on the cheek, making the light pink blush on Soobinâs cheeks turn into a bright red. Youâll let the public display of affection between the two of them slide this time, because they just got engaged. Usually, youâd frown at them and feign disgust.
Chaewon and Soobin are the type of couple that you can just look at and know that theyâre made for one another. Youâre not going to lie, it does make you somewhat jealous that theyâve been able to find each other this early in life.Â
Soobin and Chaewon had met when she had accompanied you for a checkup when you were 15. Soobin was there to give moral support to Taehyun, his friend who needed stitches.Â
From there on, a relationship blossomed. Itâs a bit of a unique love story. With Chaewon always being by your side during your doctor appointments, and Soobin being a doctor as well, the hospital is somehow always involved.
Youâre also jealous that they can spend the entire rest of their lives together. And, the entire rest of their lives arenât limited to only 5 years, unlike you. But youâre happy for your sister. Youâre glad sheâs found someone who makes her happier than ever â you just canât help but feel upset that you wonât be able to experience that picture perfect fairytale romance that you had wanted.
And as Chaewon makes a toast, you get a text message. You watch as everyone takes a sip of champagne from their glass. Thankfully, most peopleâs eyes are on the recently engaged couple, so no one pays any mind to you drinking water instead.
You unlock your phone, checking who the message is from. Itâs Jungwon, and heâs sent you a picture of cherry blossoms.
Saw this today on my way to work. Thought it was pretty, and it reminded me of you, he writes.Â
You donât realise that youâre smiling to yourself as you read the message. The fact that Jungwon thought of you when he saw those cherry blossoms makes your heart feel all warm and fuzzy. Itâs a feeling youâve never felt before.
Yang Jungwon isnât making it easy for you to not feel at least a little something for him. Youâve told yourself to not fall in love with anyone ever since you got the diagnosis â itâs to keep yourself from hurting and to keep you from hurting someone else.
But with Jungwon, you just want to fall.Â
The consequences, the possible heartbreak is something that youâre not even taking into consideration. Maybe you should just let yourself experience what itâs like to love, and what itâs like to be loved.
You finally understand what Minji meant back in high school when she said Jungwon had one of those âfirst love smilesâ. And you understand why Minji was so infatuated with him back then. You werenât around much, so you never really got to know him better.
But now that you are getting to know him well, maybe Yang Jungwon will be your first love.
And knowing your fate, he will very likely also be your last love.
If Yang Jungwon was going to be your first, your last, and your one and only, you wouldnât quite mind.Â
You type back. So you think Iâm pretty?
Jungwon replies almost instantly.
Of course I do.Â
SIX.
âHajoon and Minji, Soobin and Chaewon⊠ugh, I want someone in my life. But I canât find anyone.â Wonyoung sighs, flopping down on your couch.Â
You smile. âYouâre drop-dead gorgeous, Wonyoung. Who wouldnât want to be with you?âÂ
âIntroduce me to someone!â she asks, her eyes gleaming. You look at her, with a confused expression on your face. âWonyo, you know I donât know many people.â
âI donât know, maybe someone from high school, or something.â
âRicky?â you ask. You knew Wonyoung used to like Ricky during high school, and just like Wonyoung, Rickyâs working as a model too. You canât believe that you didnât think of this pairing sooner.
âRicky?â Wonyoung asks softly. She must be remembering the times during high school where she was pining over him. âIf heâs interested⊠I suppose he could give me a call.âÂ
You watch her expression closely, noticing the way her cheeks flush pink. âYou suppose? You clearly want me to tell Ricky to send you a message. Why didnât you just say that instead of telling me to introduce you to someone?âÂ
Wonyoung shrugs, looking away from you. âI donât know. Guess I was just a little bit⊠shy?âÂ
You laugh at her words, picking up your phone to message Ricky. You then realise you didnât get Rickyâs number the night of the reunion, and since you know Ricky and Jungwon are friends, you decide to text him instead.
Hey, could I get Rickyâs number? you message Jungwon. I think Wonyoungâs interested in him.Â
Jungwon always replies to your messages instantly. Of course, here. He sends you Rickyâs number, and you thank him. We could set them up, if youâre up for it. Us four, dinner at my place.
Wonyoung peers over your shoulder to read what Jungwonâs saying to you. âI think he likes you, (Name).âÂ
âWhat makes you say that?âÂ
You know itâs a stupid thing to say after he did call you pretty. Twice.Â
âHeâs basically asking for it to be a double date. Come on now, (Name)! Donât be silly. But, let him know Iâm up for it.â Wonyoung teases you, and you sigh.Â
Sounds good, you tell him. When and where?
Do you guys mind if itâs tonight, 7pm? Ricky will be in Paris for the next 2 weeks, he replies, and Wonyoungâs eyes widen. âTonight? Tonight tonight? I have to go home and get ready. Iâll see you in a bit!â she says, grabbing her bags before rushing out of the door. You take that as Wonyoung not minding, and itâs not like you have anything to do anyways.Â
We donât mind, you reply. See you tonight.Â
You find yourself excited to see Jungwon again. You havenât seen him since the cherry blossom season ended. But to be fair, which was a week and a half ago, so it hasnât really been too long.
Him calling you pretty has been stuck in your head for the past week. You donât know how 2 simple words could have such an effect on you, but here you are, with those two words said in his voice replaying again and again and again.Â
You decide to wear something a little simpler tonight, just a green cardigan and a pair of jeans. Chaewon walks into your room just as youâre curling your lashes, and she gives you a knowing smile. âWho are you seeing tonight?â she asks, even though she has a hunch.
âWonyo and I are meeting Ricky and Jungwon for dinner.â you reply, applying some tinted lip balm onto your lips. âWonyoung thinks Ricky is cute. I guess her feelings never really went away from high school.âÂ
âI guess they didnât,â Chaewon says, hand on her hip. The engagement ring on her finger sparkles when the light catches it, and you really need to commend Soobin on doing such a good job on finding a gorgeous ring. âBut you and Jungwon, huh? I know I keep pressing you about this⊠but. You know⊠you two have seemed to bond very quickly.âÂ
Sheâs not wrong.Â
You do admit that you find yourself wanting to see Jungwon again. You wouldnât call it love yet, or anything of the sort â but perhaps there is some sort of attraction, or something that makes you gravitate towards him.Â
But then you remind yourself that in your life, you have no time for love. 5 years is far too little, and 5 years is all youâve got. Jungwon deserves someone who can give him a forever and more. 5 years is your forever.Â
For Jungwon, 5 years probably doesnât mean much at all.
Chaewon sees the hesitant look on your face. âDonât be afraid to fall in love, (Name).âÂ
âI donât want to hurt him.âÂ
She looks at you with a sad smile. â(Name), I want to see you happy. Jungwon can give you that. It doesnât matter how long or short your life is, just please⊠donât forbid yourself from finding happiness. You deserve it more than anyone.â Chaewon wraps you in a hug. âI donât want to let you go. None of us do.âÂ
âI donât want to hurt another person.âÂ
âIt will hurt at first,â Chaewon tells you, her arms still wrapped around you tightly. âBut then all of us will think: gosh, wasnât I so lucky to know (Name) in this lifetime?âÂ
You feel tears starting to well up in your eyes. âIâm sorry, Chaewon.âÂ
âDonât be sorry. You didn't choose this path for yourself. All I know is that⊠Iâm the luckiest person alive to have had you as a sister.â she tells you, hugging you tighter.
âNow, enough sad stuff,â she says, wiping your tears with the pads of her thumbs. âGo to this dinner tonight, and if anything happens between you and Jungwon, let me know.âÂ
You smile at your sister, giving her another hug. âOkay.âÂ
And before you walk out of the door, you turn back to look at her. âI know you said no sad stuff, and this isnât really sad, but⊠I feel like Iâm the luckiest person alive to have you as a sister.âÂ
Chaewon only smiles softly as she watches you leave.
SEVEN.
Jungwonâs house is cozy.
Maeumi greets you and Wonyoung at the door, and Jungwon gives you a kind smile when he sees you. Heâs wearing a grey hoodie and some black sweatpants, and even though the outfit is simple, it looks nice on him.Â
Wonyoung notices the soft smile on Jungwonâs lips as he watches you play with Maeumi. Wonyoung sneaks up behind him, whispering into his ear. âYou really like her, huh?âÂ
Jungwon gets startled by Wonyoungâs sudden comment. âGosh, donât sneak up on me like that!â he says, clutching his chest dramatically. The girl next to him giggles, and you look up at the two.Â
âDid I miss something?â you ask, and Jungwon rapidly shakes his head no. Wonyoung, on the other hand, points at Jungwon discreetly, then makes a heart with her hands, then points at you.
What sheâs gesturing to you is that she thinks Jungwon likes you.
You give her an amused smile before turning your attention back to Maeumi. âLook, Jungwon. Shoot your shot.â Wonyoung whispers to the boy. Jungwonâs eyes are still transfixed on you, and anyone could instantly notice how the boy is absolutely smitten.Â
Before Jungwon can say anything, Ricky bursts through the door. âJungwon, I couldnât decide whether to get Wonyoung roses or tulips, so I just got bothâ oh! Youâre already here. Um⊠hi, Wonyoung,â he says, holding two bouquets.Â
âThese are for you⊠both of them.â he hands Wonyoung the bouquets, and you see the pink flush on Wonyoungâs cheeks almost instantly as she accepts the flowers from Ricky with a shy smile.Â
âI take it heâs into her?â you whisper to Jungwon, whoâs now standing by your side. Jungwon nods, his arms crossed as he watches the scene in front of you two. âEver since 10th grade. So, when I got your text, he got a little bit too excited. He asked me if he should come wearing a suit.â
You laugh at his words, and Jungwon thinks itâs the prettiest sound heâs ever heard. âWell, Wonyoâs interested too. Look at them laughing.â you nod towards Wonyoung and Ricky, who are chatting to each other with bright smiles on their faces.
âLetâs not bother them. They seem to be hitting it off quite well. Iâm going to prepare dinner, if youâd like to come join me.â he says, heading towards the kitchen. You follow him, and so does Maeumi.
âDonât go into the kitchen, Maeumi.â you tell the dog, telling it to stay in the living room. You donât notice Jungwon gazing at you adoringly, but out of the corner of her eye, Wonyoung does. She smiles to herself, before redirecting her attention to Ricky.Â
You help Jungwon with preparing some of the food, such as chopping up vegetables and seasoning the dishes. âAre you hungry?â he asks you, and you nod.
âStarving. Everything smells so good. Youâre a good chef, Jungwon.â
Jungwon smiles. âWell, thank you.âÂ
âWhat canât you do?â you ask him, as he cracks an egg into the fry pan. Ricky, despite being outside, overhears your conversation. What canât Jungwon do? Confess to you, Ricky thinks.
Soon enough, Jungwon finishes cooking. You help him bring out some plates, and some of the dishes. Ricky and Wonyoung are seated next to one another, with Ricky moving his chair just the slightest to be able to be sitting closer to your friend. You smirk at Wonyoung, who gives you a stare to tell you to not say a word.
Jungwon places the last dish on the table, and he sits down in the seat next to you. Now, itâs Wonyoungâs turn to tease you, and you give her the same look.
âLetâs eat!âÂ
Jungwonâs food is amazing. There is quite literally nothing that he canât do. Heâs a lawyer, he was head of the student council, and he could be a chef. Jo should probably watch out.
âThis is so good,â you say, in between mouthfuls, and pink dusts Jungwonâs cheeks when he hears your compliment.Â
âThank you. Iâm glad you like it â eat more,â he says.Â
The rest of the night is spent reminiscing over your high school days, and Ricky heads towards Jungwonâs fridge, and grabs the bottle of soju that heâs brought. âJungwon, whereâs your shot glasses?âÂ
âCabinet on your right,â the boy sitting beside you replies. âGet 3. (Name) doesnât drink.âÂ
You look at him, slightly surprised. âHowâd you know?â
âYou told Hanni that you donât drink at the reunion. I remember, (Name).â Jungwon says, smiling at you.Â
Ricky places the bottle of soju on your side of the table. âHeâs got a terrible memory. He only remembers because itâs you,â he whispers to you, before sitting back down in his seat.Â
And as Jungwon pours soju into his glass, your mindâs fixated on those words. He only remembers because itâs you. Are you someone special to Jungwon?Â
The thought of being someone special to Yang Jungwon makes you feel⊠good. It's a simple way of describing it, but you donât know how else to say it. Youâve never experienced what itâs like to love someone, and you donât know if this is love, but⊠you think you care for the boy sitting next to you.
In high school, he would be someone you considered just a classmate. You knew of him, and you talked to him occasionally â but you wouldnât have ever really considered him to be a friend.Â
Now, mere weeks after your first meeting in a few years, youâd like to consider Yang Jungwon as one of your friends. You would like to get closer to him, as your relationship has progressed so quickly in the past couple of weeks, but you feel like youâve known him for⊠forever.
Yes, that funny word. Forever. For all time.
He feels familiar. He feels like home.
And home is where you feel the safest.Â
If you told Chaewon all of your thoughts about Jungwon, youâd wonder what sheâd say. Is it just a simple, plain crush, or would she consider it to be something more? Or even if it was just a simple, plain crush, could it be something more?Â
Love has been something youâve never even considered for yourself. But with Yang Jungwon now in the picture, youâre starting to see the possibility of the last 5 years of your life with who Chaewon would refer to as: the one.Â
As the night goes on, the chemistry between Ricky and Wonyoung is undeniable. You know that theyâd make a cute couple. Would it be too early to say that you think theyâve found their soulmate? you think.
Ricky checks his watch. âAh, itâs late. I should probably go. Iâll drive you home, if youâd like.â he says to Wonyoung.Â
âThat would be really great,â she says, smiling at him. âBut what about you, (Name)?âÂ
âIâll take her home,â Jungwon says, standing up. âYou guys enjoy your date.âÂ
Ricky and Wonyoungâs cheeks both flush red. âThank you?â Wonyoung replies.
âIâll clean this up,â Jungwon picks up a few of the plates.Â
âIâll help you.â you tell him, and the boy gives you a grateful smile. As youâre piling some of the plates on top of one another, Ricky stops Jungwon in his tracks when heâs on his way to put the dishes into the sink.Â
âYou should do it.â Ricky whispers to him.
âDo what?â Jungwon whispers back.
âTell her how you feel.âÂ
âWhat? Itâs too early for that,â Jungwon says, and Ricky rolls his eyes. âI reconnected with Wonyoung today.â
Ricky does have a fair point. Jungwon guesses that heâs just a little too scared that heâll ruin something good between you two.Â
âItâs okay, Jungwon. I think sheâll reciprocate those feelings. Now, Iâm going to drive Wonyoung home. See you tomorrow.â Ricky waves at the boy, and both you and Jungwon hear the door close.
âTheyâre very cute together,â you tell him, as he cleans a frying pan. âI think weâre great at matchmaking.â you hand Jungwon a plate, and his hand touches yours.Â
His hand is cold, but his touch makes you feel warm. Your ears feel hot, and you donât know whatâs happening. Are you sick again?Â
âYes,â Jungwon says, focused on cleaning the dishes. âI think we are.âÂ
Silence falls between the both of you. Not an awkward silence, more so of a comfortable one. Both of you, simply just basking in the comfort of each otherâs presence. You help Jungwon put away the clean plates.
âThank you, (Name).â he says.Â
âUh, no worries.â you reply.Â
You donât know when you and Jungwon inch closer to one another. It just happens, as if some force is pushing you two closer together. Jungwonâs eyes flicker towards your lips, and you suddenly feel a little nervous under his gaze.
Your heartâs pounding a mile a minute. You think youâre going to feel sick from all the nervousness.
You want to lean in. You want to give in â to tell your mind that you can fall in love, and like Chaewon said, just because youâre dying, you shouldnât forbid yourself from finding happiness.
But that fear kicks in. The fear of hurting more people than you already have to. Jungwonâs one of the sweetest, kindest people you think youâve ever had the pleasure of knowing. Breaking his heart now would be less painful than breaking his heart 5 years later, when you inevitably leave him alone in this world.Â
That fear tells you to leave. Because that fear tells you that Jungwon deserves someone who can have a Chaewon and Soobin-like fairytale romance. You cannot give him that.
And just as Jungwon leans in, you step back. âUm⊠I have to go. Iâm sorry. Iâll⊠see you tomorrow. Or sometime soon, I donât know.â
You take one small glance at Jungwon, and itâs just enough time to notice the dejected look in his eye. But, he quickly covers it up with a tight-lipped smile. âOf course. Iâll send you home.âÂ
âUm, thereâs no need for you to,â you say, tapping on your phone. âMy sister is coming to get me. Thank you for tonight, Jungwon.â
You grab your bag from the couch, and you rush out the door.
Jungwon canât help but feel like heâs made the biggest mistake.
EIGHT.
The next time you see Jungwon, you both act like nothing happened.
But the events of that night replay in Jungwonâs head every hour, every second, every minute. The hesitant look on your face before you stepped away is burned into his mind, and remembering the way you rushed out of the door so hastily makes his heart shatter.
You meet him in the park again. You two are quite fond of this park. It is near Jungwonâs workplace, and it is near your house. You walk alongside him, recording the view in front of you with your camera. Jungwon stuffs his hands in his pockets, and he feels like he should talk to you about that night.
Because for a split second before you ran off, Jungwon thought that you wanted to lean in. He supposes he was wrong.Â
He wonders if he should continue to hold these types of feelings towards you. If youâre clearly not interested, Jungwon understands. Heâll let all these feelings go, and heâll act like they never existed. You two could stay just friends.
The plan sounds easier said than done, but if that is what will make you happy, he will do it.
He will let go of all those years of pining for you.Â
He just wants an answer. He doesnât know if heâs asking for too much, though. As he walks alongside you, he isnât sure if he should bring the situation up.Â
âYouâre quiet today, Jungwon.â you say, looking at him. The boy snaps out of his thoughts, and offers you a weak smile.
âJust thinking.âÂ
âAbout what?âÂ
Should he just talk to you about it?Â
âI⊠I was thinking about the thing that happened.â he says, and you immediately know what he means. You stop in your tracks to face him, turning off the recording. âOh,â you say softly.
Jungwon figures he might as well just pour his feelings out now. It canât get much more awkward than this, and⊠if he finds out that you do reciprocate those feelings he holds for you, then⊠everything will be fine. Well, better than fine. Everything will be great.Â
â(Name), I like you. I know⊠that this is sudden â or maybe it isnât, since the whole thing happened but⊠I just thought that you should know. Iâve liked you since you walked into that classroom in grade 7, and Maeumi bumping into you at the park was like some sort of sign for me, from the universe, to remind me that I wasnât over you at all, even though I hadnât seen you in years â I just⊠really like you. Iâd like to spend every cherry blossom season with you, if youâd let me.âÂ
For a split second, you allow yourself to smile like a lovesick fool.Â
The confession makes warmth bloom across your chest, and you feel nothing but pure euphoria in the moment.Â
Every cherry blossom season with you.
Every. Every, being 5. You will see 5 more cherry blossom seasons. Or maybe even less.
And your smile falls.
âJungwon⊠thank you for telling me,â you say. Your eyes are fixated on the ground â you donât want to see the look on his face when you have to shatter his heart. âBut⊠one day, I fear you will regret falling for me if I say yes.âÂ
Jungwon looks at you, confusion written all across his features. â(Name), what do you mean? I have many regrets in life, but I will never regret falling for you.âÂ
Heâs sweet. Too sweet. You donât want to hurt him.
âYou canât know. Itâs better for you to not know.â you cannot let Jungwon know youâre dying. Him knowing about your illness would crush him â and you would rather not see Jungwon sad about anything.Â
âWhat do you mean?âÂ
âI like you a lot, Jungwon.â
You like him. Jungwon feels the slightest glimmer of hope at your words.
âBut, I donât want to hurt you. Please donât make this harder than it already is â I donât want to share my burdens with you. I feel like a burden for everyone else. I donât need another person to pile all my issues onto â I am hurting, and I will end up hurting everyone else.â you say, your voice shaky. That glimmer of hope Jungwon once felt is suddenly gone.Â
âThen let us hurt together. You will never be a burden to me, (Name). What makes you say that?â Jungwon asks you, placing his hand on your shoulder to comfort you. You look up at him with tears brimming your eyes, and you give him a weak smile.
âBecause everyone thinks that.â you murmur.
âWho thinks that?â he asks you, his voice soft. âI donât think that â Iâll never think that. (Name), you can talk to me.â
âJungwon, just⊠leave it be. I⊠wish I could say yes to you, but I canât. I will leave a lot of people hurt, and I would rather not have one of those people be you. And if youâll excuse me⊠I have to go.â you say, bidding him farewell.
Once again, you walk away from Jungwon. Just like that night in his apartment.
That time, Jungwon did not chase after you.
This time, he does.
â(Name), please. You wonât hurt me. We can share these burdens together â I am here for you. I will always be here for you,â he says, and you sigh.Â
âJungwon, you donât understandââÂ
âThen help me understand. Tell me what I donât understand. If you donât understand either, let us figure it out together.âÂ
âI donât want you to understand!â you raise your voice, startling Jungwon. âBecause I donât want you to be hurt. This⊠is my burden to carry. If things were alright, I wouldâve said yes without thinking. If everything was normal, I wouldnât have ran away that night. If I knew that I wouldnât hurt you, I wouldâve kissed you. But things arenât alright. Things are not normal, and I know that I will hurt you. So please, Jungwon. Let this⊠go.âÂ
You know that by saying this, youâve lost your one chance at love. You pushed away the one person who truly liked you, the person who wanted every cherry blossom season with you â Yang Jungwon.Â
You want to cry. 5 years left on the clock and youâll be single and lonely for the rest of your life.
Your heart feels heavy. Everything hurts. You clutch your chest, and suddenly everything feels strange. Itâs all spinning, the green leaves on the trees are starting to look fuzzy â you canât breathe, and your chest just feels tight. Jungwonâs face is starting to become blurry, and you feel like youâre going to collapse.
Are you going to die? Are you going to die in front of Jungwon?Â
âI⊠I have to go.â you say, your vision getting blurrier by the second. You try to run away from the boy, but you feel yourself getting weaker and weaker.Â
â(Name)? Are you okay?â Jungwon notices the urgency in your voice, and the way youâre almost wobbling away from him â youâre losing your balance.
The world becomes a blur, and you collapse to the ground.Â
NINE.
Your eyes open, and youâre greeted with the familiar sight of a hospital room.
âHey, (Name).â Chaewon says, her hand on top of yours. âAre you feeling okay?âÂ
âUm⊠I donât know.â you say, blinking at her. âI just feel normal. A little more tired than usual, though.â
She nods. âYou just woke up. Thatâs normal.â
âWhat happened?â you ask her, and Chaewon shrugs.Â
âYou tell me. Jungwon says that you were with him, and then you suddenly passed out in the park. He called an ambulance to get you here. Heâs still outside waiting for you. He said he called into work and said there was an emergency,â she replies, smiling. âHeâs very sweet, (Name). And he seems to like you a lot.âÂ
âI ruined it. I ruined it all,â you tell Chaewon. âHe is⊠all things perfect, and he likes me. But I am scared, and dying.âÂ
âDo you want to talk about it?âÂ
âI keep not listening to you. You told me that I shouldnât let this illness get in the way of the things I want â but the fear. It consumes me. I donât want to leave more and more people behind, I donât want more people to be hurt because Iâm losing my life. I just feel like a burden.â you say, voice shaky as you stare at the white ceiling of your hospital room.Â
âWhen Iâm gone, I wonât have to suffer any more pain at the hands of this illness. But that means people will be suffering from the loss of me.âÂ
Chaewon sighs. âI canât just tell you that I understand how you feel, because I really donât. All I can tell you, from an outside perspective, is that⊠no matter how long or short it is, life is worth living. I know itâs easier said than done, but⊠you canât let that fear control what little of your life you have left.âÂ
âYou like Jungwon, donât you? And donât you tell me of course youâll like him, since heâs a friend. I mean you like like him.âÂ
You sigh, staring up at the white ceilings of your hospital room. âThereâs just this feeling. This feeling seems to push him and I together. My heart skips a beat when heâs around, and gosh, if I wasnât so scared of whatâs to come, I wouldnât have ruined everything.âÂ
âRuined what?âÂ
âHe tried to kiss me that night we had dinner with Ricky and Wonyoung. We⊠both leaned in, but at the last second, I pulled away. All these terrible thoughts were running rampant in my mind, and I just⊠couldnât. I couldnât allow myself to let go of those fears. And he told me he liked me today. Just before I collapsed⊠I told him I couldnât be with him because Iâd only hurt him and make him feel burdened. He told me that we could share that burden, that we could hurt together. But I could never do that to someone as kind as him. He canât suffer simply because I am. None of you should have to suffer because I am.âÂ
Chaewon will never understand what it feels like to be you. Sheâll never understand what itâs like to know that youâre dying. Sheâll never fully understand those fears you have, and at times she may find them irrational.
But what she does understand, is that Yang Jungwon has somehow made his way into your heart. Your heart has been locked for many years now, and youâre not so easy to give someone the key.
However, with Jungwon, you handed him the key like it was the most natural thing to do.
âJungwon seems like a very sweet guy,â Chaewon tells you. âHe cares about you a lot. And I think you care a lot about him too. You donât want to hurt him, but youâre also pushing him away. Isnât that going to make him hurt more?â
âThis wonât hurt as bad as when I die.âÂ
âAnd do you want to die without knowing what itâs like to fall in love? Knowing that you had the right person standing in front of you all those years ago, but you had turned around and left because you were scared? Wouldnât you rather feel nothing but joy, bliss, and love before you go? And⊠even though you might not get a forever with Jungwon, Iâm sure heâll treasure those 5 years he has with you more than anything.âÂ
âHe told me he wanted to spend every cherry blossom season with me.â you murmur.
âThen spend every cherry blossom season you can with him.â she tells you, the volume of her voice matching yours.
âI donât know how I ended up⊠liking him this much. Maybe because everything feels peaceful, everything feels just fine â sometimes I forget that Iâm dying when Iâm with him.â you breathe out shakily.Â
âWell, I think you know what you need to do, (Name).â Chaewon tells you softly.
âWould you call him in here for me?â you ask her, and she nods. She gives your hand a tight squeeze before she gets out of her chair, leaving your room to go get Jungwon.
You stare at the ceiling blankly once again, wondering what youâre going to say to him. âAre you okay, (Name)?â he asks you once he enters the room, sitting down on the chair next to your bed, and it snaps you out of your thoughts.
You smile at him. âYes. I am okay.âÂ
He sighs out of relief. âThatâs good. Thatâs good â and I thought about⊠the conversation. I get it. Itâs okay.âÂ
âNo. Itâs not okay,â you tell him, and Jungwon looks at you, confused. âI should help you understand. Iâm sick. I didnât want you to know, because everyone around me has been taking care of me, and I have constantly felt like a burden â I did not want you to have to suffer through all of my problems, if we ever started dating.âÂ
âBut you will get better, wonât you?âÂ
You press your lips into a thin line. You want to make the best out of these five years. You do not want Jungwon to know that there is no cure. So, you lie. âI will be alright.âÂ
âAnd Iâm sorry, Jungwon.âÂ
âSorry forâŠ?âÂ
âI really didnât want to do this in a hospital room, of all places, but I shouldnât have pulled away that night. Iâm sorry for making you feel confused about my feelings,â you tell him. âI wanted it to happen, and I messed things up today because I was scared. I donât want you to think that I donât like you, because I do. I donât know how relationships work, I donât know how this will go, but I know that⊠I would like to spend every cherry blossom season with you too.â
âAre you sure?â Jungwon asks, as if heâs in disbelief.
âYes. I am sure.âÂ
Jungwon gives you the widest smile youâve ever seen from him, a pink flush blooming across his cheeks. âI really like you, (Name).âÂ
Heâs been quietly holding onto his love for you for years. Sure, heâs gone on a couple dates with other people â but even with no contact, his mind drifts off to you. He knows that the effect you have on him is absurd, but he just canât help it.Â
He takes your hand, lacing your fingers with his. Even though you are in a hospital bed, everything seems right â with Jungwon, everything always seems right.
So this is the feeling that Chaewon has gushed over. Love.Â
And now that you finally feel it â love â youâre floating on cloud nine. Yang Jungwon likes you. You like Yang Jungwon. Those fears you once had have now dissipated.Â
âI would kiss you, but Iâd rather not have our first kiss to be in a hospital.â he whispers, pressing his forehead against yours.Â
âItâs okay,â you say, smiling. âI can wait.âÂ
Jungwon now realises that he has loved you silently for too long.
Now he gets to love you out loud.Â
NINE.
You return home a couple days later.
Jungwon visits you every day when youâre in the hospital. âRest up, and then we can spend time together. We can go wherever youâd like,â he says, his hand in yours.
âYour condition improves more when Jungwonâs here.â Soobin tells you. âReally?â you ask him, and your sisterâs fiancĂ©e shakes his head.Â
âI meant your mood. Not the whole⊠you know. But Iâm working on a cure, donât forget that.â he says, ruffling your hair.Â
âCondition is not the same as attitude, Soob. Plus, with the whole cure thing⊠you always say that.âÂ
âDonât give up hope, (Name). Your brother-in-law is going to save your life.â he says, smiling at you. You chuckle at his use of the word âbrother-in-lawâ. He hasnât even married Chaewon yet.
You decide to listen to Soobinâs words â to not give up hope. For the first time, you want to believe that Soobin can create the cure. You want to live, because 5 years are truly not enough.Â
Those chances are slim. But you ignore that for now. Chaewon tells you to live in the moment, so you do.Â
You spend the first day out of hospital in Jungwonâs apartment.
âIâm so tired!â Jungwon says, flopping into his bed. You laugh at his antics, and he rolls over, holding his arms out to get you to lie down on the bed with him.Â
You do, and Jungwon wraps you in his arms, kissing you on the cheek. âYou have yet to give me the kiss you told me youâd give me when I was in hospital,â you remind him, and Jungwon smiles.
âI just kissed you on the cheek. That counts, doesnât it?â he says, teasing you. You frown, and Jungwon smiles at your cute expression. âIâm kidding.âÂ
He leans in, pressing his lips to yours. He kisses you tenderly, one hand cupping your cheek and one hand resting on your waist. The kiss is slow, with the both of you wanting to treasure this moment for as long as you can, and when you finally pull away, you see Jungwon smiling brightly at you, with nothing but love and adoration in his eyes.
âOne more.â he says, leaning back in to kiss you again.
He repeats this process ten more times. He pulls away, tells you he wants one more, kisses you again, and then the cycle repeats.Â
âYou are one funny guy.â you tell him.Â
âIs it funny to want to kiss my girlfriend?â he asks you, his face inches away from yours. You canât stop the goofy smile from spreading across your lips, and Jungwon finds such amusement in your reaction.Â
âNo,â you reply. This time, youâre the one to lean in first, stealing a kiss from him. He gasps when you pull away, looking at you with wide eyes. âAnd you called me the funny guy!â he says.Â
âWell, I like you a lot.â you say.Â
Maeumiâs bark disturbs the moment that you two have been sharing. âI think heâs telling us to get a room.â you whisper to him, giggling.
âMaeumi, I am in my room!â Jungwon gets up from the bed to ruffle Maeumiâs fur. Maeumi wanders back outside to the living room, and Jungwon returns to the bed. âLetâs watch a movie,â he says, turning on the television in his room.Â
You make yourself comfortable, sitting in between Jungwonâs legs, resting your head against his chest. You feel his heart beating, perfectly in sync with yours.
Thump, thump, thump. Youâve never felt more alive.Â
Jungwon notices the small smile on your lips. âWhatâs got you so happy?â he asks, and you shake your head. âNothing. Just you.âÂ
âJust me?â Jungwon says, and you nod. He presses a kiss to the top of your head. âWell, Iâm glad that I can make you happy.â
For someone who is dying, joy is not an emotion that comes easily. The pills you take each morning, the constant doctorâs appointments and the pity you see on peopleâs faces whenever you walk into a room are just some of the things that remind you of your fate. Joy is hard to experience with the constant reminder of death looming just around the corner.
But when youâre with Jungwon, joy comes easily.Â
Youâve never smiled more after Jungwon officially asked you to be his girlfriend. He asked you the day before you were going to be discharged, showing up to the hospital with a bouquet of pink flowers. âI know theyâre not cherry blossoms,â he tells you. âBut I hope you still like them.âÂ
You keep these pink flowers in a vase that youâve placed near your desk. You tell yourself to buy the exact same flowers to replace these ones when they eventually wilt.
âI wouldnât have asked you to be my girlfriend in a hospital room, but I couldnât wait any longer.â he had said, his hand holding yours.Â
The pain you feel across your chest hurts a little less when heâs holding your hand. His smile allows you to forget about the fact that youâre dying, just for a while.Â
You take a deep breath. This is what itâs like to be alive.Â
Now that youâve got a taste of it, after restricting yourself from being able to experience the joy and wonder of what life truly is â you find that you want more life. You want more time.Â
You want more cherry blossom seasons with Yang Jungwon.Â
5 seems too little.Â
Jungwon senses that youâre feeling a little tense, and gives you a kiss on the top of your head. âYou okay?â he asks you, and you tilt your head to look at him.Â
âYeah. Iâm okay.â you tell him, squeezing his hand to reassure him.Â
âIf you want to talk about anything, just tell me. Like I said that day in the park â we can share any burdens you might have together. Iâm always here for you.â he tells you softly, and your heart warms at his words.
âThank you, Won.â you tell him, and you press your lips to his in a soft kiss. âIâm so lucky to have found you.âÂ
âI could say the same about you.âÂ
TEN.
Chaewonâs wedding is today.Â
Itâs been 2 months since you and Jungwon started seeing one another. Every day you spend with him, you feel like youâre falling more and more in love.Â
You decide to take Jungwon as your plus-one to the wedding. Chaewon is nothing but overjoyed, and she tells you that your parents can properly meet him for the first time (since the first time your parents saw him was at the hospital, after you had fainted at the park.)Â
âDo I look okay?â you ask Jungwon, whoâs patiently waiting for you in a black suit and tie.Â
Jungwonâs breath hitches in his throat. You look absolutely mesmerising, and Jungwon canât take his eyes off of you. Youâre absolutely breathtaking â he canât even say a word, his mouth agape as you chuckle at your reaction.
âWon? Hello?âÂ
âSorry,â he says, snapping out of his daze. âYou look⊠incredible. You are gorgeous, (Name).âÂ
You smile at him, pressing a chaste kiss to his lips. âWe better get going, we donât want to be late.âÂ
The drive to the wedding venue is filled with laughter, and blasting your favourite songs from the speakers of Jungwonâs car. You tell him about some of the things youâve written, and he asks if youâve written anything about him.
You tell him itâs a secret, even though the answer is yes.
Youâre writing a book, detailing the last 10 years of your life. You decide not to tell Jungwon the topic of the book, because you wouldnât want him to find out like this. You donât want him to find out at all, actually.
But despite the grim topics that you know your book will touch on, every part that mentions Jungwon will be filled with nothing but words of love, joy, and adoration.Â
When you and Jungwon arrive at the venue, the first thing you notice is how the exterior is decorated beautifully. Chaewon did show you how she wanted everything to be decorated, but now that you see it all in front of you, it looks magical.
â(Name)!â you hear Wonyoung call out to you, and standing beside her is Ricky. Their relationship, just like yours and Jungwonâs, is going well. Wonyoung had told you that she and Ricky had just flown out to Paris for a romantic getaway.Â
âWonyo!â you say, walking up to her and giving her a hug. âYou look gorgeous, as always.âÂ
Wonyoung blushes at your compliment, thanking you. âYou look amazing as well! Jungwon, youâre a lucky guy.â she says, smiling at him, and Jungwon nods.
âThat I am,â he says, pressing a kiss to the side of your head.Â
âYou guys are so cute. You know, Iâve been watching this guy pine for you since 7th grade, you know that?â Ricky points towards Jungwon, whose cheeks are now turning red. âHeâs liked you for a very, very, very, long time.âÂ
âI could say the same about you for Wonyoung,â Jungwon replies, and now Rickyâs the one left with red cheeks, as Wonyoung laughs.Â
âWhereâs Minji and Hajoon?â you ask your friend, and she shrugs. âI think theyâre coming soon. We should probably head into the venue and find our seats,â Wonyoung replies, and you nod. âYou guys are sitting in the front, because youâre family, right?â
You nod, walking inside the venue. The inside is just as gorgeous as the outside â white chairs are lined up in rows, with a small bouquet of flowers tied to the ends of the chairs on each row. Thereâs a giant crystal chandelier dangling from the ceiling, and you canât help but look around in awe.Â
âAm I in the front with you?â Jungwon asks, and you nod. âOf course,â you say, squeezing his hand. You two make your way to the front row, and your parents are already seated. âOh, (Name)! And you must be Jungwon. We met at the⊠hospital, didnât we?â your mother asks, and Jungwon nods, bowing to her.
âYes, maâam. Itâs nice to see you again.â he says, and your parents smile at him. âItâs nice to see you again under⊠better circumstances, Jungwon.â your father says, referring to the incident in the hospital.Â
âThank you, sir. Iâm glad to be here, the wedding looks beautiful.â he says, admiring the decorations. âOur Chaewon did so much planning for the big day,â your mother replies, smiling. âIâm so happy everything came out the way she and Soobin wanted it to.âÂ
âYou know Chae. Ever the perfectionist. Soobin as well,â you joke, and your parents chuckle. âItâs their wedding day. Of course they want things to be perfect.â your mother replies.Â
Suddenly, you hear the loud voice of your aunt. âHello, hello! And whoâs this?â she asks you, pointing at Jungwon.Â
âThis is Jungwon. Heâs my boyfriend, auntie.â you tell her, as she sits down next to your mother. âYou? Boyfriend?â she asks, looking very surprised.
Something about her reaction makes you feel very uncomfortable, and Jungwon can sense that. He gives your hand a small squeeze to reassure you. âUh, yes. Nice to meet you.â he says to your aunt, who looks him up and down.
âHow do you know (Name)?âÂ
âHigh school, maâam. We were in the same class. We reconnected after accidentally bumping into each other at the park though, and then there was this high school reunion.â he explains, and your aunt nods along to his words â she is not hiding her disinterest at all.
âWell.â is all that she says, and you sigh.Â
The music starts playing, and you know the wedding is about to start.Â
When you watch your sister walk down the aisle, you canât help but have a few tears in your eyes. Jungwon silently gives you a pack of tissues that heâs purposely put in his pocket â he knows that weddings are typically an emotional affair.Â
âIâm so happy for her.â you say, and Jungwon nods. âThey make a very nice couple.â he says to you.
By the time Chaewonâs about to say your vows, youâve already used up Jungwonâs entire pack of tissues. Mainly because your parents are both crying hysterically.
âSoobin, when I saw you for the first time, something seemed to just⊠click. It was as if I knew you were going to hold an important place in my life, and I was right. Here I am, standing in front of you, about to marry you, the love of my life. Before I knew you, I had all these⊠thoughts about how love would be just like the movies, picture-perfect and like a fairytale. Our love isnât perfect â you are always busy, and I always am busy. But we make things work. And with you, Iâve learned that love doesnât exactly have to be perfect. Love just needs to be with the right person. And you, Choi Soobin, are the right person for me.âÂ
Youâve never seen Soobin emotional. Heâs crying, and it is a strange sight to witness. But you know those are tears of happiness, tears of joy.Â
The room erupts into cheers when they kiss, and you canât stop smiling from ear to ear.
Jungwon finds himself looking at you, as Chaewon and Soobin walk down the aisle together.Â
Maybe that could be you and him someday. Not anytime soon, of course, considering that you two had only been dating for 2 months.
But Jungwon dreams for a forever with you. He sees a forever with you. He wants a forever with you.
He just doesnât know that he canât.
TEN.Â
During the after party, you go into the bathroom to hide while you take your medicine.Â
You donât wish for it to be a whole scene, and you certainly donât want people asking you about why you need medication. Or much worse, people who know about your illness bringing up the fact that youâre dying right in front of Jungwon.
He must not know. He cannot know.
You take a small bottled water into the bathroom stall with you, and as you open your small pill box, taking out the medicine, you hear 2 voices.
One that belongs to your aunt, and one whoâs presumably her friend, based on the way theyâre giggling.
âOh, what a wonderful wedding. Eunsoo must be so happy about how everything went.â your auntâs friend says. âChaewon and Soobin are such a perfect match.âÂ
âAbsolutely,â your aunt replies. âAh, do you know (Name) brought her boyfriend to the wedding?âÂ
â(Name)? I heard she only had 2 to 3 years left, right? Because of that dreadful illness. Poor Eunsoo, losing a daughter so young. And poor Chaewon too, losing your sister so quickly after getting married.â your auntâs friend sighs.Â
You donât want to hear this conversation. You didnât bring headphones, nothing to drown their voices out. But you simply cannot leave the bathroom stall now, not while theyâre out there.Â
So you have to listen.Â
âYes, sheâs got a maximum of 5 years left. She looks much happier today, I must say. But I pity the boyfriend. Seems like a very sweet young man,â your aunt says, and you feel absolutely terrible. âHe doesnât seem to know about the illness, which is for the better. I only pray that he wonât be too hurt when she eventually goes.âÂ
âPoor (Name) wonât even be able to get married. 5 years is not enough time.âÂ
âDonât you think (Name) is wasting the poor boyâs time? She seeks happiness before she goes, but⊠whatâs his name again? Jungwon, heâll be terribly devastated. If I was in her position, I wouldnât risk it.â
Your auntâs words make you feel like throwing up.Â
You have thought all these things before. But now hearing that other people have thought about it too makes everything feel much worse. Maybe you are wasting Jungwonâs time â maybe he should find someone better, someone who isnât dying, someone who could give him a forever.
âWe better get back,â your aunt says. âI heard the cake is delicious.âÂ
When you hear the door close behind them, you let out a sigh. You hastily take your pill, swallowing it down. You leave the bathroom stall, looking at yourself in the mirror.
Deep breaths, (Name). Jungwonâs voice rings in your head.
Donât think about anything you just heard. Donât mention what you just heard to anyone. Act like everything is just perfectly fine.
You plaster on a smile before exiting the bathroom, and you make your way over to Jungwon. You fiddle with your fingers nervously, and Jungwon grabs ahold of one of your hands. âIs something wrong?âÂ
Heâs so attentive. Itâs so incredibly sweet, but also makes it incredibly hard to hide anything from him. Youâre lucky he doesnât pry when you tell him youâre fine â he trusts you. If youâre not ready to tell him, he doesnât push it.Â
âIâm okay, Won, I was just redoing my makeup. From crying.â you lie. You canât show him that you were shaken up due to what you had overheard from the bathroom â especially words that had come out of a family memberâs mouth.Â
Thanks to your aunt, many of the fears that you had before come back. They haunt you like demons that attach themselves to you like leeches on your shoulder, their dark, gloomy voices whispering into your ear. You are wasting his time, they tell you. You are hurting him. You might bring him joy now, but you will bring him endless sadness.
âYes, you did cry quite a bit,â Jungwonâs voice snaps you out of your thoughts. He rests his hand on your shoulder, and all those demons suddenly disappear. âYouâre lucky that I brought those tissues.âÂ
âMy parents basically used all of them â they were hysterical. Plus, Iâm surprised Chaewon didnât burst into tears the second she saw Soobin.âÂ
Chaewon appears the second you say her name. âI was holding in my tears, thank you very much.â she says, and you greet her with a hug. âYouâre married, Chae!âÂ
âIâm married!â she squeals, showing off her ring. âMy heart is just⊠so full. I feel like it could explode right now.â The pure joy on Chaewonâs face is very clearly visible, and seeing your sister so happy with Soobin brings a smile to your face.Â
âJungwon, I hope you donât mind that I steal your girlfriend away from you for just a little bit,â Chaewon says, and you roll your eyes playfully at her. âIâve got to talk to her.âÂ
âIâm your sister,â you remind her as she drags you away from your boyfriend. âSorry,â you mouth to Jungwon, who chuckles, telling you to come back soon. When you leave his side, you see your parents go up to him, and Jungwon greets them politely.Â
âSo⊠you brought him to the wedding. Things must be getting serious.â Chaewon says, taking a sip of her champagne. You look back at Jungwon talking to your parents, and heâs laughing at something that your mother had said. âYes. I suppose so,â you hum. âItâs been 2 months since we started dating.âÂ
âYet it feels like itâs been two years. In the span of 2 months, you and Jungwon have done more couple-like things than Soobin and I have in our 7 years of being together.â she says matter-of-factly, gazing at her now-husband, whoâs talking to Taehyun. Judging by how pink Soobinâs ears are, Taehyunâs definitely teasing him about crying at the altar.Â
âThatâs not true,â you refute. âYou and Soobin are so couple-y. Itâs just that you two are always busy. Soobinâs a doctor, youâre always working on your design projects at home. Whenever you two are free, youâre the most PDA-packed couple I know.âÂ
Chaewon rolls her eyes, feigning annoyance as you stifle a laugh. âYou know like 2 couples.âÂ
âWrong, I know 3. Ricky and Wonyoung, over there.â you say, pointing the new couple out to Chaewon, whoâs eyes widen. âOh, right! They just went on a romantic trip to Paris too. When will you and Jungwon do that?â she asks you, lightly nudging you with her elbow.
âI donât know,â you hum, gazing at Jungwon with a soft smile on your lips. âMaybe someday. Someday soon, before I have to end it. But Iâm content with where we are right now. Itâs just him and I⊠and everything is⊠good. Life is good, he is good, I am good.âÂ
Chaewon recognises that look in your eye. Love.
She remembers you asking her what falling in love feels like. Chaewon had told you that it felt like feeling so much joy to the point where you felt like your heart would explode. She guesses that you understand what that feeling is now.Â
âYouâre in love.â she muses, a smile spreading across her lips.Â
You look at Jungwon, and he looks at you. Your heart thumps in your chest as he flashes you that dazzling smile that youâre greeted by every morning. Thump, thump, thump. Your heartbeat matches the rhythm of his.Â
âI suppose I am.âÂ
ELEVEN.
There are some days when you feel weaker than usual.Â
Today is one of those days. You wake up next to Jungwon, and you just feel fragile, as if your bones could shatter if you were just nudged gently. You just feel tired.
âMorning, my love.â he says, when you turn over to face him. You smile at the petname, and Jungwon gives you a quick kiss. âIâll go get your medicine.â he tells you, getting out of bed.
You feel like the luckiest person alive to have someone like Yang Jungwon in your life. He returns with a glass of water and your medication, handing the pill to you as you sit yourself up on the bed, back against the headboard. You take the pill from him gratefully, washing it down with the glass of water he had given you.
âDo you have to go to work today?â you ask him, tugging on the edge of his shirt, motioning for him to climb back into bed with you. He does, pulling the blanket over his body and wrapping his arms around you. âYes, unfortunately so.â he replies, and you frown.Â
âDonât be sad. Iâll meet you for lunch, you can write your book here, spend the day with Maeumi if youâd like.â he tells you, pressing a kiss to the tip of your nose. You smile at his gesture, and Jungwon swears that with every smile you flash him â he falls more and more in love with you.Â
âIâll probably stay at home. Not feeling very⊠me today, if that makes sense.â you tell him, and itâs now Jungwonâs turn to frown. âDid something happen?â he asks you, and you shake your head.Â
âNo,â you reply. âJust tired and⊠I donât know.âÂ
âWhat do you not know?â he asks you, and you think perhaps you should open up to him just a little. Youâve been hiding fears from him for all this time because you donât want him to find out your illness is incurable â but you know that Jungwon can tell when somethingâs wrong with you. You donât want to leave him in the dark more than you already have been, considering youâre not telling him that youâre dying.
âI feel weak. This sickness is⊠tiring and draining. Everyone around me seems to feel the need to take care of me and I know you keep telling me that I shouldnât think of myself this way but⊠I just feel like Iâm burdening everyone.â you confess. Jungwon hugs you a little tighter after you tell him.Â
âYou are ill, (Name). People who care about you will try to do their best to make you feel as comfortable as you can be. Donât think that theyâre doing it out of obligation â they do it out of love. I do it out of love,â Jungwon says, and his words bring tears to your eyes. Jungwon notices, and he wipes your tears away with the pads of his thumbs. âI love you, and I am here for whatever you need. You will never be a burden to me. Iâve told you this many times, and I will tell you it again and again.âÂ
You just realised that this is the first time Jungwonâs ever told you he loves you. You canât help but suddenly smile, even though there are tears rolling down your cheeks. âWhatâs with the sudden smile, my love?â Jungwon asks â but heâs not complaining. He loves to see your smile, its brightness could rival the sunâs.Â
âYou just told me that you loved me for the first time.â you say, and Jungwon nods.
âI did,â Jungwon replies. âI love you.âÂ
You press your lips to his in a sweet kiss, and you canât stop the goofy, lovesick grin that appears on your face when you pull away. âI love you too, Jungwon.âÂ
âEverything will be just fine, my love. Weâll go see the cherry blossoms every year. You do say you like them a lot. Plus, you compare yourself to them quite often.â he reassures you.Â
Every year, as in only 5 more years. But Jungwon doesnât know that.Â
âI compare myself to them because just like them, I am fragile.â you say, and Jungwon shakes his head. âNo. That is one quality of the cherry blossom that you do not possess. I compare you to them, because just like the flowers, you are beautiful. More beautiful than the flowers, in fact.âÂ
Your cheeks feel hot at Jungwonâs words, burying your face in his neck out of shyness. Your boyfriend chuckles, patting your back. âYou will get better in no time, (Name). I know it.âÂ
Your heart aches knowing that you donât think youâll be able to get better before a cure is properly made for your illness. You want more days, more months, more years.
You found your reason to live, but now your life is slipping away.
You smile at him. You hope he doesnât know itâs a sad smile. âYes. Youâre right,â you try to hide the shakiness of your voice, praying that he doesnât ask if anythingâs wrong â you know how attentive he is, especially towards you. âI will get better.âÂ
Sheâs wasting his time. Your auntâs voice rings in your head, and you find that she has replaced the demons that constantly haunt you.Â
But when Jungwon presses his lips to yours once again, that voice disappears. All is well. The silence isnât strange, or weird at all. Jungwon runs his hand up and down your back, and his touch is comforting.Â
âYou better get dressed before youâre late to work.â you whisper against his lips. âMaybe Iâll call in sick today.â he replies, a cheeky smile on his lips. He kisses you again, before crawling out of bed. You sit back up, a smile on your lips as you watch Jungwon disappear into the bathroom.
On the days where you feel weak, there are times where Jungwon is able to make you feel as if you are invincible. As if youâre able to take on whatever life throws at you, despite your illness draining the life out of you day by day.Â
You remain in bed while Jungwon gets ready to go to work, your laptop perched on your lap as you type your book up. âI have to go now. I will see you at lunch, my love.â he bids you goodbye with another sweet kiss.Â
âSee you,â you call out. âI love you.âÂ
Jungwon looks back at you. âI love you too.â
TWELVE.
You have a doctorâs appointment today.
Jungwon insists on coming with you, but you tell him that youâll be fine. Chaewon is going with you, and so are your parents. Plus, itâs only a check up anyways. And, Jungwon is getting pretty busy with a new case of his â you donât want him to have any distractions.Â
You head into the hospital, the place that you could somewhat consider a second home. There was a period of time where you spent months here, surrounded by white walls, white curtains and the constant beeping of the machines that used to terrify you when you were younger.
Now, these beeping noises are no longer terrifying â they are familiar, they are normal. These white walls and white curtains are things that you have grown accustomed to.Â
You sit on the hospital bed, Chaewon sitting by your side as she sketches out new designs in her sketchbook. âThatâs a nice dress,â you say, taking a peek of what sheâs drawing, and she looks up at you. âIâd buy it.âÂ
Chaewon holds up the book to show you it so you can see the design a bit more clearly. âReally? I feel like it looks a little bland,â she frowns. Itâs a short black dress with unique sleeves â simple, but classy. âYou have the sleeves. Itâs not bland.âÂ
âHmm. Iâll take your word for it,â she says gladly, and you nod. You revert your focus back onto your book â you canât seem to find the right words to describe the boring, empty 5 years before you met Jungwon. It was a meaningless 5 years, which is why you donât feel like thereâs much to say.Â
âDo you think Soobin has made any progress about the cure for my condition?â you suddenly ask Chaewon, who places her pencil down on her lap. âIâm not so sure, (Name). Are you curious?âÂ
Chaewon notices how there seems to be a slight glimmer of hope in your eyes. âYes,â you reply. Your sister has never seen you so interested or so full of hope when it comes to curing your illness â she thought you had given up. Or at least thatâs what you had always said to her. âI am⊠holding out hope, just as you are.â
âWhy the sudden change in perspective? Not that Iâm complaining.â Chaewon asks, and you shrug.Â
âI want to live.â
If this cure works, you donât just get 5 cherry blossom seasons with Jungwon. You get much, much more. And you get more time with your sister, and you two could maybe finally tick off those boxes on your shared bucket list. You could finally see your book be published, and fulfil your childhood dream of becoming an author.
Your sister knows why you are hopeful. You want more time to be with Jungwon. Ever since you met him again, sheâs noticed how you donât find life to be dull, meaningless, and boring â you now allow yourself to enjoy it. You allow yourself to find joy in the littlest of things, in the silliest of things.Â
You have asked her to go out with you more, often bringing up the bucket list that you two made. âLetâs complete the ones we can complete!â you tell her, and Chaewon had never been so overjoyed to hear such words come out of your mouth.Â
You finally seem to understand how vibrant, how beautiful and how worthwhile life can be. You are making the most out of the 5 years that you have left â and despite how Chaewon does find the change in your perspective about life a little sudden, sheâs not complaining. Your fears seem to have disappeared entirely, and you havenât been talking about your impending doom for a while now.Â
Because over the past few months, you realise that your life is something that you donât want to end so quickly. Youâve been insanely lucky to know people like Jungwon, Chaewon, Minji and Wonyoung in your life â you suppose people who get too lucky in one aspect of life will sometimes be extremely unlucky in another.
Your longtime doctor, Doctor Lee, walks into the room, holding a clipboard. Soobin follows her into the room, and he greets Chaewon with a wide smile.Â
âWell, nothing about your condition has changed since the last time you came, (Name). Have you been feeling alright?â Doctor Lee asks you.
âYes, Iâve been feeling fine. My medication is helping, I think.â you say, smiling brightly at your doctor.
Doctor Lee has never seen you this happy â well, to be fair, it is a hospital. Most people are not exactly overjoyed to be here, but the usual frown plastered on your lips is replaced with a bright smile.
âYou seem hopeful.â Doctor Lee knows that you had accepted that you were going to pass soon. You didnât seem interested in prolonging your life at all, didnât seem interested in seeing if there was some sort of cure out there â he had thought you had given up hope entirely.Â
Chaewon looks at the doctor. âShe is.âÂ
âThat is good,â Doctor Lee says. You donât notice the subtle look that Soobin gives Chaewon to tell her to follow him outside. âStay hopeful.â
Chaewon tells you that sheâll speak to Soobin outside for a quick moment, and you nod, returning your focus to your laptop, typing on the keyboard.
I was 22 when I first felt hope that I would be able to live longer than the 10 years that I was given. I had totally given up, really, when I first got my diagnosis. All hope was crushed when I heard the news, and somehow, 5 years later â I had found that hope again.
You donât know that outside your hospital room, Soobin and Doctor Lee have to crush that hope that you had just found.Â
âIt didnât work?â Chaewon asks in disbelief. Soobin had worked days, and nights in order to develop this trial medicine â only for everyone to find out that it hadnât worked. âIâm sorry, Chae.âÂ
âKeep trying.âÂ
Doctor Lee sighs. âChaewon, weââ
âYou promised.â she says, cutting Doctor Lee off. Your sister looks at the two of them with teary eyes, and Soobin reaches a hand out to comfort her. âYou promised that you would do whatever it took to cure my sister. (Name) finally believes that you two could do something â that there would be a cure, and youâre telling me that you want to give up?âÂ
âWe donât want to give up. We just have to find⊠another way. And that other way might take a lot of time⊠time that (Name) does not have.â Doctor Lee says, and Chaewon clenches her fists in frustration.Â
âI have⊠so much that I have yet to do with (Name). We havenât even gone travelling together. No concerts, no fun moments after her diagnosis. I have spent hundreds and thousands of days in these rooms, surrounded by white walls, white curtains, worrying that she could die any minute, and waiting for answers on whether someone will be able to help her live. I have always held out hope, and I am not going to lose that hope now. Not when she has just found that hope too. 5 years is enough time. Say it will be enough.âÂ
Soobin sighs, looking at Doctor Lee hesitantly. âI cannot guarantee anything, Chaewon. I am sorry.â Doctor Lee replies, looking down at her shoes.
Chaewon looks at Soobin, tears brimming in her eyes. It pains Soobin to see her like this. His heart aches, it burns â he really wished that the medicine had worked. âSay it. Soobin, please.âÂ
âI⊠it will be enough.âÂ
THIRTEEN.Â
It has been nearly a year since you met Jungwon again in the park.
Time flies much faster than youâd like for it to, and it reminds you that the end for you is approaching. Your days seemed to take forever to pass by when you were spending your days at home, cooped up inside â but now when youâre with Jungwon, your days seem to pass by so much quicker.Â
âHappy Valentineâs Day, my love.â Jungwon says, pressing a kiss to your cheek. He hands you a bouquet of pink flowers, which you gladly accept. Thereâs a wide smile on your lips as you look at the flowers,Â
âI wouldâve gotten you cherry blossoms, but â itâs hard to put them in bouquets.â Jungwon tells you, and you shake your head. âNo, itâs alright. I love them.â
âI also have another gift for you. Well, I have many gifts, but this oneâs a fun one,â he hands you a pink box, with your name written on it in cursive. âOpen it.âÂ
Inside the box is a white wig. Two white wigs, in fact.
Youâre very confused as to why Jungwon would give you two white wigs for Valentineâs Day. It wasnât Halloween â but you still wouldnât really understand being gifted white wigs on Halloween anyways. You look at him with a perplexed expression as Jungwon tries to stifle a loud laugh.Â
âWhatâs this?â you ask, picking up one of the wigs. âWhy'd you give me 2 white wigs?âÂ
âWell, itâs a long story. I came up with it after Ricky told me something the other day,â Jungwon says, sitting down on the couch, patting the seat next to him, motioning for you to sit down beside him. âRicky told me about this Chinese idiom the other day.â
Jungwon copy pastes the characters from Rickyâs text message into the Google search bar. You look at Jungwon, confused as to what this idiom means.Â
âIt means to grow old together, healthily and happily, until our hairâs all white.â Jungwon fiddles with the wig, and you didnât know a gesture so silly could hold so much⊠meaning. âMe giving this to you means that I want to grow old with you, until our hairâs all white. Hence the white wigs.âÂ
You feel like crying.Â
Jungwon sees the tears fall from your eye, and he looks at you in alarm. â(Name), why are you crying?âÂ
âI donât know,â you say, as you let Jungwon wipe your tears away with the pad of his thumbs. âThe whole⊠growing old with you thing. The white wigs are so⊠stupid, so funny â but the meaning behind it is so sweet. Youâre too sweet.âÂ
But you do know why youâre crying, you just cannot tell him. You wonât be able to grow old with him, healthily and happily. You are but just a small chapter in Jungwonâs life, perhaps a very important one, but a small one nevertheless.
5 years is very short when you consider how long the average human lifespan is â you and Jungwon only have 5 years.Â
5 years to live, 5 years to love.Â
You wonât be able to see Jungwonâs hair go as white as these wigs. Jungwon won't be able to see your hair in that state too, because by the time that rolls around â youâd have been gone for years and years. He mightâve even forgotten about you.Â
âThey do look quite funny, donât they?â Jungwon takes the other wig out of the box, putting it on his head. You laugh at how he looks with the white wig on â heâs put it on terribly, his natural dark brown hair peeking out from the bottom. âThis is what Iâm going to look like when Iâm old. This is a preview.â
You smile. âWe need to draw some wrinkles onto your face.âÂ
âIâm gonna put the other one on for you.âJungwon says, taking the wig out of your hands, and placing it on your head. Heâs put the wig on just as badly, and he giggles at how you look with the white wig on.Â
âWhat, do I look bad?âÂ
âNo, (Name). You are very pretty. Too pretty, in fact. Even with my horrible wig application skills, you are still gorgeous,â he says, hand caressing your cheek. Your heart melts at his words, and you lean in to press a kiss to his lips. âYouâll always be gorgeous to me.âÂ
âEven when Iâm old and wrinkly?â you ask him, even though you know heâll never see you when youâre old and wrinkly. Your life ends in 5 years, not in 50 years, or more.Â
âEven when youâre old and wrinkly.â he affirms. âLike I said⊠I want to grow old with you. We can be old and wrinkly together.âÂ
As much as you want to be old and wrinkly with Jungwon, you feel as if it might be impossible. The last time you went to the hospital, you saw Chaewon returning into your room with teary eyes after a conversation with Soobin and Doctor Lee.
That is never a good sign.Â
You want to hope that youâll get more time. But realistically⊠you feel as if your time is running out faster than ever before.Â
Jungwon will continue with his life. He will get to 30, 40, 50, 60, and so on. You, however â will only make it to 27.
Fate is cruel. You know that better than anyone. Fate tears your opportunity of finding your very own happily ever after, with Jungwon. Fate tears away the opportunity for you and Chaewon to check off every little box on that bucket list. Fate tears away the chance for you to grow old and wrinkly with Jungwon, white hair and all.
So you suppose seeing him with this white wig on will suffice. The wig is terribly applied, and when you first saw him with it on, you couldnât resist laughing. But the more you look at him with the wig on, you canât help but realise that this is your closest chance of seeing Jungwon old, wrinkly and white-haired.
Jungwon doesnât know it, but this is also his closest chance of seeing you old, wrinkly and white-haired.Â
âYou want to grow old with me?â you murmur.
âOf course I do. I love you,â Jungwon looks at you with the softest look in his eyes, and you canât help but smile at him.Â
You want to grow old with him too. Itâs a shame that you donât think youâll be able to.Â
âDo you want to grow old with me?âÂ
âYeah. Of course I do,â you reply, and Jungwon lets out a relieved sigh. âWhat, did you think I was going to respond differently?âÂ
âNo â I was just⊠I donât know. Maybe it was too soon to tell you that I want to spend forever with you.â Jungwon rests his head on your shoulder, and you fiddle with the hairs of the white wig on his head.
âItâs not too soon. I want to spend forever with you too, Won.âÂ
If your forever with Jungwon has to be 5 years, you decide that youâll make it the best 5 years.Â
FOURTEEN.
The first cherry blossom season you spend with Jungwon as a couple rolls around.
The flowers are in full bloom, and as you and Jungwon walk around the park, hand in hand, the boy next to you canât help but notice how your eyes widen in awe at the sight above.Â
Sure, you see these magnificent flowers each year, but every year, the sight of them gets more and more spectacular. It is as if the cherry blossoms are putting on a show for you â perhaps during the last cherry blossom season youâll see in your lifetime, they will look even more splendid, even more grand and magnificent than they were in the previous years.
âDo you want a picture with the flowers?â Jungwon asks you, and you nod, handing him your camera. He tells you to stand in front of one of the trees as you smile brightly at the camera. The sight of your smile makes Jungwonâs heart race.Â
âYou look pretty,â he hums, when you run back over to him to look at the photo. Your cheeks feel hot at his compliments, and Jungwon looks at your flustered face with a small smile. âWhat? Itâs true.âÂ
You tell Jungwon that youâll take a photo of him, and he flashes a peace sign at the camera. You snap the photo, and right after, Jungwon bends down to pick up a cherry blossom flower thatâs fallen to the pavement, still perfectly intact.Â
He walks up to you, tucking the delicate flower behind your ear. Just like he did during the second time you had met him at this park. Warmth blooms across your chest, and you canât stop the giddy smile from spreading across your lips.Â
âLet me find one for you,â you tell him, taking his hand in yours. âWe can match.âÂ
You and Jungwon walk around the park, and now you realise that you two are one of the happy couples that you used to envy. You remember that you knew you would never be able to experience a love like they did â but you were wrong.Â
Now you understand what itâs like to love.Â
Falling in love could be the most complicated thing in the world â it is even more complicated for you, considering all the doubts and all the fears you had before you decided to give love a chance. But Jungwon makes falling in love easy.Â
Falling in love with Jungwon seems like the simplest thing in the world. As if it is natural, as if it was destined to happen.Â
You doubted if you could make him happy. You doubted if you were wasting his time â but never once had you doubted your feelings for him.Â
You think that you probably fell for him the minute you saw him again in the park, when Maeumi bumped into you. After that first meeting, even as you returned home, he was stuck in the back of your mind.Â
You still remember when he drunkenly told you that he thought you were pretty. You bring it up often, and Jungwon just replies with: âI knew what I was saying when I told you that.â Even after nearly a year of dating, Jungwon is still able to make you feel like youâve fallen in love with him for the first time ever.Â
The birds are chirping, the cherry blossom petals are falling, and your hand is in Jungwonâs. Everything is right. The scenery is beautiful, and the boy walking beside you is even more beautiful. You remind him of it, and his cheeks go as pink as the vibrant blossoms up above.Â
You finally find a perfectly intact cherry blossom flower thatâs fallen to the floor, and you pick it up with a big grin. âLook!â you tuck the flower behind Jungwonâs ear, and he lets out a soft chuckle. âNow weâre matching.âÂ
âYes, we are.â Jungwon replies, swinging your arms back and forth. Unconsciously, a smile makes its way onto your lips. Itâs funny, considering how you didnât smile often before you met Jungwon. People have noticed how youâve seemed much happier, much more carefree.Â
âDo you remember what you told me the first time we were here alone? When Maeumi wasnât here,â Jungwon suddenly asks, and you tilt your head, awaiting his answer. âYou told me that you like cherry blossoms. Then, I asked you why. You told me that theyâre beautiful, but donât last very long, which is why you find them interesting. You said they feel familiar.â
You remember. Of course you remember.
âThen, I told you that I felt that their existence being short-lived allowed people to appreciate and admire them more. To cherish them more, to hold them dear.â he recounts, as you two walk further into the park.Â
âMhm,â you say. Jungwon still hasnât caught on to the fact that you said they felt familiar because just like their existence, yours will be short-lived too.Â
âYou then said that they were beautiful. I agreed, but really, I was just looking at you.â he says, suddenly feeling shy as you smile.Â
âYou have loved me for a long time. Ever since 7th grade, wasnât it?â you ask, and Jungwon nods. âIâm surprised you even waited that long for me.âÂ
âIâm very happy I waited.â Jungwon replies. âBecause now, I get to spend every single day with you, the love of my life. Weâll get more of these cherry blossom seasons, wonât we? Weâll come here even when weâre old and wrinkly, with our hair as white as those wigs.âÂ
âYes,â you say, a slight hint of sadness in your tone. âMore cherry blossom seasons.âÂ
â30, 40, 50 cherry blossom seasons. We can see them all. Like you said, every year they seem to get prettier, right?â Your heart canât help but melt at Jungwon seemingly already knowing that you are the one for him â but⊠30, 40, 50 cherry blossom seasons are something that is simply unattainable for you.Â
âThey do get prettier every year.â you hum.Â
âThatâs good. I did tell you that I wanted to spend every cherry blossom season with you by my side, didnât I?âÂ
âYou did. We can have 30, 40, 50 and more cherry blossom seasons,â you lie, and your heart hurts as you say those words â youâve lied one too many times to Jungwon.
Then, you tell him another lie.
âWe can have as many as youâd like.â
FIFTEEN.
You and Jungwon have now shared 3 cherry blossom seasons together.
Time is running out. The fourth cherry blossom season is about to roll around, and you know that youâre feeling weaker already. Hospital check-ups have been more frequent, youâve spent more time at home lately, and youâve been prescribed with a different medication.
Spending more time at home has allowed for you to have more time to work on your book, which is making good progress. You wrote about the times where you fell more and more in love with Jungwon, you wrote about how you were finally able to tick off some of the boxes on your bucket list with Chaewon, and you wrote about how youâre feeling, as your final 5 years are starting to come to a close.
You try to hide how youâre getting weaker day by day from Jungwon. Youâre not sure if itâs working, but he hasnât mentioned anything about it. Â
Youâve got another hospital check-up today, and thankfully, Jungwonâs busy with another case. You sit on the hospital bed again, laptop perched on your lap as you continue typing up your book, the sound of the keyboard clicking resounding throughout the room.
âHave you told Jungwon yet?â Chaewon asks you, and you shake your head. âI canât.â you reply, and your sister frowns.
âWhy not? Heâs your boyfriend of 3 years.âÂ
âHe would be crushed.â you reply. Chaewon doesnât understand â in all honesty, she thought Jungwon knew all along that you only had 5 years left. She didnât expect for him to only know that you were ill, and left thinking that your illness was curable.
âSo youâve been lying to him about your illness being curable?â Chaewon asks, and you sigh, closing the lid of your laptop.Â
âNot lying, per se,â you start, but then you remember the amount of times youâve told him that you two could have a forever. 30, 40, 50 cherry blossom seasons. âMore so⊠hiding? I just donât want to tell him.âÂ
âWhy?âÂ
âI finally have⊠some sense of normalcy. Whenever Iâm with Jungwon, I donât feel like a helpless sick person. I finally have someone who Iâm close to, someone who I love â who doesnât see me as just my illness. He doesnât know that Iâm dying, he treats me as if Iâm not dying â that is what I want. I want normalcy, I want to live life as if I donât know that any second now, death will be knocking on my front door. And, Jungwon knowing would absolutely break him. Heâs loved me since 7th grade â I canât⊠I canât tell him now.âÂ
âHeâs going to hurt more if you break up with him out of the blue before you have to go. Why not tell him now, so he can prepare himself?âÂ
âIâŠâÂ
Your train of thought is broken when Doctor Lee walks into the room. Your doctor looks worried, upset, even. Her eyebrows are knitted together as she looks at her clipboard with a dejected look on her face.Â
âDoctor?â Chaewon asks. âWhatâs the matter?â
â(Name)⊠your condition seems to be getting worse. You did mention how you felt more tired lately, didnât you?â she asks.Â
âYes, I did mention that.âÂ
âIâm afraid I have to tell you that you only have about a year left. Maybe even less.â she says, and you sit there, shell-shocked as you try to process the news.
Your 5 years have been cut into 4.Â
The realisation that this is your last year left just hits you, and the dam breaks. You let out a loud sob, and Doctor Leeâs never seen you like this before. Chaewon wraps her arms around you as you sob into her shoulder, trying to control herself from bursting into tears just like you are.
You thought you were prepared. You thought you were ready to go â but youâre not. You donât want to accept that this is your fate anymore, but what can you do? You cannot fight this illness â it is a battle you cannot win.Â
âItâs okay, (Name). Itâs okay.â Chaewon says, patting your back in an attempt to comfort you. âI donât want to go,â you choke out between sobs, and Chaewon shakes her head, tears brimming her eyes.Â
âI donât want you to go either.â your sister says.Â
âI want more life.âÂ
âI know.â she says, patting your head gently. âI want you to have more life too.âÂ
âWhy me?â you sob, and Chaewon wipes your tears with the tissues sitting on the side of your bed. âI donât know. I wish I knew. I wish it wasnât you.â she replies, wiping her own tears with the corner of her sleeve.Â
Chaewon thought she had more time. She was prepared for 2 more years left with you â but now knowing you had 1 year, or maybe even less was heartbreaking. She knew she would lose you earlier on in life, but not this early. Not when you werenât even 26.Â
âWhat about the treatment, Doctor Lee? The other way?â Chaewon asks, a sense of urgency in her voice. Doctor Lee only sighs, looking down at her shoes.Â
â1 year is⊠very little time to decide whether or not itâll work. There is no guarantee, soâŠâÂ
âA year is not enough. That is what you mean.â your sister says, tears rolling down her cheeks.Â
âIâm sorry, (Name). Iâm sorry, Chaewon. I wish we couldâve done more.â Doctor Lee leaves to give you both privacy.
âI thought I was ready.â you say, Chaewon trying her best to comfort you by patting your back lightly. âIâm⊠nowhere near ready. I donât want to go. Please, Chae.âÂ
You beg for Chaewon to do something, even though you know she canât. No miracle medicine can save you now. The sand in the hourglass is running out, your time is ticking â and time flies fast.Â
âDo I have to tell Won?â you murmur, and Chaewon shakes her head, unsure of what advice to give you.Â
She thought she understood how hard it would be. But she could never imagine being put in your situation â dying, with the person you love not knowing that youâll be gone within a year.Â
âI think⊠that is up for you to decide.âÂ
SIXTEEN.Â
Jungwon meets up with Ricky for the first time in a couple of months.
Rickyâs never free anymore. His career has skyrocketed into success, and so has Wonyoungâs. But thankfully, Rickyâs able to make some time to see Jungwon just for a few hours before heâs off to another shoot.
Jungwon doesnât know how he does it. Ricky was just in Milan a couple days ago â how is he not jet-lagged?Â
The two decide to meet at a coffee shop, one that they used to go to when they were both in high school. Rickyâs immediately noticeable, due to the expensive suit heâs wearing.Â
âItâs been ages, man.â Ricky says, and Jungwon nods. âIt really has.â Jungwon replies, smiling.Â
âSo, what have you been up to? Aside from⊠modelling.â Jungwon asks, and Ricky shrugs. âSpending time with Wonyoung. You know⊠3 years, still going strong. I have to thank you and (Name) for getting us together, to be honest. We should do one of those double dates again sometime.â he replies, and Jungwon nods, agreeing.
âA hundred percent. We havenât hung out as just us 4 in a while. I know (Name) meets up with Wonyoung and Minji occasionally.âÂ
âSo, howâs (Name)?â Ricky asks.
At the sound of your name, a lovesick grin immediately makes its way into Jungwonâs lips, and Rickyâs got that teasing, cat-like smirk plastered on his face at the sight of his friendâs expression. âStill whipped, arenât you?âÂ
âEven more than before, perhaps,â Jungwon replies. âI actually came to ask for your help.âÂ
âOh? What is it?â Ricky asks, leaning back in his chair, arms crossed.
âI need your help to help me choose a ring.âÂ
Ricky immediately sits straight up in his chair, eyes widened as his jaw drops open. âYouâre kidding! Engagement ring? Jungwon, are you planning to propose?âÂ
Jungwon nods, a small smile on his lips. Ricky canât resist pulling his friend in for a hug. âThatâs crazy, oh my god! Well, not exactly, since youâve been in love with her for like⊠forever, but oh my god. Youâre going to be a married man.â
âI mean, I donât know if sheâs going to say yes...â Jungwon seems hesitant, and Ricky thinks that he has no reason to be. Ricky sees it in your eyes â youâre crazily in love with Jungwon, just as he is with you. Thereâs no way you wonât say yes.Â
âYou, my friend â are very stupid. (Name) is one hundred percent going to say yes. She loves you so much! Maybe even too much. What ring do you have in mind?â Ricky asks, and Jungwon shrugs. He knows that he wants something to do with cherry blossoms. Itâs what he could consider to be your thing. Those pink flowers are what suits you, and itâs something he knows that you love.
âMaybe like⊠cherry blossoms? Something related to that. She loves those flowers.âÂ
Ricky nods. âCherry blossoms. Hmm⊠thatâs something that isnât too common with engagement rings, but Iâm sure we can find something. Or what about a pink diamond?âÂ
Jungwon hums, nodding at Rickyâs suggestion. âI think she might like that.âÂ
Ricky looks over at his friend, and he thinks that heâs never seen Jungwon this happy. Heâs got a permanent smile plastered onto his lips, and he seems much more relaxed, much more carefree than before.Â
âCome on,â Ricky says. âLetâs go search for a ring.âÂ
The two leave the coffee shop, making their way down the busy street. Ricky tells Jungwon about some of his modelling gigs, with Jungwon listening intently. âThereâs a couple stores on this street,â Ricky says.Â
The first one the two boys go into has some nice rings â but Jungwon doesnât think any of them particularly stand out to him, and none of them seem to suit you. Thereâs one that the shop assistant recommends to him, and Ricky thinks itâs a good choice, but Jungwon doesnât want to get something that he knows you wonât love. The store also doesnât sell pink diamond rings â Jungwon finds that he actually really likes Rickyâs suggestion.Â
âThank you,â he tells the shop assistant politely. âIâll just look around a couple other stores first.âÂ
The second store has a couple good options. Ricky selects a few that he thinks looks nice, and thank god Jungwon decided to ask for Rickyâs help â he thinks that heâd be absolutely lost without him. Thereâs this one ring with a small pink diamond in the centre, and 2 other diamonds surrounding it. It looks nice, but Jungwon thinks that he would like for the pink diamond to be just a little bigger.
The third store is where Jungwon finds the perfect one.
He doesnât even need Rickyâs help, either â he sees the ring in the display window, and Jungwon knows that itâs the one. Thereâs a round pink diamond in the centre, with smaller pink diamonds encircled around it, and then surrounded by white diamonds in a halo.Â
âIs that the one?â Ricky asks Jungwon, and he nods.Â
âIâll take this one.âÂ
âOf course, sir.â the shop assistant says, and Jungwon feels his heart beating faster than ever before. Heâs bought the ring, he just needs a location, and⊠he just needs to pop the question.Â
âAre you nervous?â Ricky asks, and Jungwon nods â is he that jittery to the point where Ricky can tell? âIs it obvious?âÂ
âI mean⊠to others, not really. But Iâve known you since high school, so yeah, itâs pretty obvious.â Ricky chuckles. âLook, youâve got to relax. (Name) is going to say yes.âÂ
âBut what if she doesnât? What if Iâm rushing into things?â
âItâs been three years since you guys started dating. And (Name)âs crazily in love with you, Iâve told you this. Do you know how often Wonyoung tells me about how she gushes over you when they hangout? She loves you so much, Jungwon. Too much, even.â Jungwon feels a little less nervous after Rickyâs reassuring words, but that anxiousness comes back when the shop assistant returns.
âYou can just pick up the ring next week. Are you in a hurry?âÂ
âNo, Iâm not. Next week is perfect.â Jungwon replies.
âThatâs good,â the shop assistant says. âWeâll see you next week then.âÂ
Jungwon thanks them again, and he lets out a sigh. âIâm so scared.âÂ
âYou donât have to be scared at all. She literally told you that she wanted to grow old and wrinkly with you â I think thatâs very telling. Plus, your whole cherry blossom season thing. Itâs so sickeningly cute. She will say yes. You have nothing to worry about.â
âRight, nothing to worry about. To more cherry blossom seasons with (Name).âÂ
âAs a married couple.â Ricky adds, and Jungwon laughs.
Little does Jungwon know, he does have something to worry about.Â
SEVENTEEN.
You donât know what to do.
Your life is coming to an end, which means that you have to end it with Jungwon. You donât want him to see you in hospital, with pale skin and an oxygen mask on.Â
Ever since you got told that your time would be cut short, once again, youâve been racking your brain on how to break the news to Jungwon. You donât want to let him go â but this is for the better, isnât it?Â
You have cried so much during the past few weeks to the point where youâre not sure if you can even cry anymore.Â
You let yourself feel joy, happiness, and love when Jungwon is near â because you know that soon, all of those feelings will have to go away. You will never experience this type of love again when you end it with Jungwon.Â
You wake up earlier now, eyes scanning Jungwonâs features as he sleeps peacefully. You canât help but smile when you look at him. He is so beautiful. So kind â everything you ever wanted and more. You brush his hair out of his eyes as you watch his chest rise and fall, rise and fall.Â
You want to burn the image of Jungwonâs face in your mind. Because after everything ends⊠youâll never see him again.Â
âGood morning,â Jungwon says groggily, cracking one eye open. He notices you looking at him with the softest gaze in your eyes, and it brings a lovesick smile to his face. âYouâre awake early.â
He kisses you good morning. You tell yourself to savour these small gestures while you still can.Â
Soon, you will never be able to see Jungwon again. Never be able to hold him, never be able to hug him, never be able to kiss him again.
You pull him closer to you, and Jungwonâs startled at your sudden action. âYouâre clingy this morning,â he chuckles, wrapping his arms around your waist.
You cup his cheeks with your hands, pressing a kiss to his lips. You kiss him with such longing, even though you two have not been separated yet. You kiss him like itâs the last time you ever will.Â
Jungwon senses that thereâs something different. The kiss is passionate, like every other one of your kisses. But this kiss feels like an apology.Â
You try not to let that tear slip from your eye. âAre you okay?â Jungwon asks you, when you two pull away. You nod, as Jungwon runs his hand up and down your back. His touch is gentle as always, and you hate how all of this has to end.
âI love you.â you tell him, and Jungwon smiles softly at you. âI love you too, (Name).âÂ
And you kiss him again. You want to kiss him as many times as you can, because you know that you donât have that many chances left. You have less than a year left, and you know a good half of that time will be spent in the hospital, with an oxygen mask over your face.Â
Your relationship with Jungwon has gone too fast for your liking. Why couldnât time go slower? Why couldnât the universe give you more days, more months, more hours with Jungwon?Â
You have to tell him. You have to tell him sometime soon.
Would it be too cruel to tell him before the cherry blossom season?Â
Ending it then is too soon for you. Everything is too soon. Your relationship ending, your impending death, all too soon.Â
In a different life, perhaps things could be different. You wouldnât be sick, and you and Jungwon could spend the rest of your lives together, until you two were both old, wrinkly and white-haired. You could spend 30, 40, 50 cherry blossom seasons with him.Â
You two could get married. Have a ceremony like Chaewon and Soobinâs, invite all your friends, and your family. You two could start a family.Â
But none of that is possible.Â
Regardless, you are grateful for your time with Jungwon. Your little forever with him. 5 years is a short time for a forever, but you suppose it is one nevertheless.Â
He taught you what itâs like to love someone. Unconditionally.Â
Every second, every minute, every hour you spend with Jungwon by your side is something that you would consider magical. Perhaps maybe because you got so unlucky with your fate, the universe had sent him to you.Â
To make things better, before they got worse. To let you experience the one thing you thought you could never experience â love.Â
You didnât expect to fall hard for Yang Jungwon. But it was easy to. With his bright smile, cat-like eyes and his heart of gold. He is too good to you. He is too good to everyone.Â
You canât believe you never took much notice of him back in Grade 7, when Jungwon was already helplessly infatuated with you. You wished you had loved him earlier. You wouldâve had more time with him, then.Â
More time to hold him, more time to kiss him, more time to love him. But now it is all too late, you are fading away, and he doesnât know it.
You find that you are the luckiest person in the world, because you have had the privilege of being loved by Yang Jungwon.Â
The person he finds after you leave this earth, turning to nothing but stardust, will be exceptionally lucky too. Perhaps even more than you, because they get to spend that forever you never could have with Jungwon.Â
They get those 30, 40, 50 cherry blossom seasons. They donât need white wigs, because they will be able to grow old and wrinkly together. They will get their forever, a proper one, not one that lasts only 4 years.
That person should love Jungwon with their entire heart and soul. Because when Jungwon loves, he loves hard. He puts 110% into the relationship, maybe even more.Â
You smile at Jungwon once again, thumb stroking his cheek.Â
Yang Jungwon is your first love, and he will also be your last.Â
EIGHTEEN.
Your final cherry blossom season arrives.Â
A flurry of pink petals cascade down to the pavement, welcoming you with open arms. You smile, trying to stop yourself from thinking about how you donât have much more time to see these magnificent flowers again.
You and Jungwon go see the cherry blossoms at night this time. Theyâve installed lights around the trees, and you think seeing the cherry blossoms at night might be prettier than in the day.Â
You and Jungwon are the only ones here.
The park is quiet, and as you admire the beautiful cherry blossoms illuminated by the light, Jungwon nervously fiddles with the velvet box in his pocket.Â
Is this the right time?Â
Heâs not exactly dressed for the occasion, wearing a hoodie and sweatpants. Youâre dressed similarly, but Jungwon thinks youâre gorgeous regardless of what you wear.Â
He takes the ring with him everywhere.Â
He doesnât know when he knows itâll be the right time â he supposes that heâll just get that⊠feeling. Of knowing when itâs right.
âJungwon, look! Itâs so pretty.â you say, and he nods. âVery pretty,â he says, looking at you.
This time, you notice. Heâs looking at you instead of the flowers. He always is. âWhat?â you ask, suddenly feeling shy under his gaze.Â
âNothing,â Jungwon says, taking his hand out of his pocket. He leaves the box inside. âYouâre pretty.âÂ
Your heart would usually race at his words. But this time, it aches. It aches because you wonât be able to hear him say that everyday anymore. It aches because this is one of the last times where youâll get to see the cherry blossom with Jungwon. It aches because everything is coming to an end.
All good things must come to an end, people say. But your end comes too soon, too quickly. Often, people can make good things last a little longer. They can hold on.
What can you hold onto to make things last?Â
Nothing. There is nothing.Â
You held out hope for a cure, but you donât have much time left. You have no lifeline, nothing to save you. Nothing to make your relationship with Jungwon last, and nothing to make your life last.
âYou are pretty too.â you tell him. You donât know how many times you have left to tell him that.Â
Under the cherry blossom trees, illuminated by the lights, Jungwon pulls you in for a kiss. His lips are warm against yours, and you can taste the flavour of the cherry lip balm that he often uses. You sometimes steal it from him to use it yourself.Â
It is just you and him, nobody else around you both.Â
This is not how Jungwon had planned for the proposal to go. But he feels like⊠now would be a good time. That little voice in his head tells him â you should do it. He wants to do it. He wants to become your fiancĂ©e.Â
He has loved you since the 7th grade. He wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Heâs known this ever since he kissed you for the first time.Â
You two pull away, and Jungwon looks at you with a hesitant look on his face. He looks like heâs dying to tell you something, and you look at him expectantly. He fiddles with something in his pocket, and you really hope he doesnât do what you think heâs going to do.Â
â(Name), I⊠I have something to ask you.â Youâve never heard Jungwon this nervous. Even his voice is shaky â he sounds even more nervous than that day in the park, before you had collapsed.Â
He pulls out a small box. Your heart stops.
You canât tell him no. You donât want to tell him no.Â
But you have to.Â
You are dying â he wants to marry you, but you will die before a ceremony will be able to take place, before you two will be able to do things that married couples do, and before you two will be able to grow old and wrinkly together.
He gets down on one knee.Â
You try to not burst into tears before he says anything. You only look at him with your mouth agape, your heart shattered to pieces. How are you supposed to tell him?Â
âI⊠didnât intend on doing this now,â he starts, letting out a deep breath. âBut I feel⊠maybe this is the right time.âÂ
âI love you. A lot. Being able to love you, and being able to be loved by you makes me feel like the luckiest person in the world. And I just know that youâre the only person that Iâll be able to love â in this lifetime, and every single one that follows. So⊠would you marry me? Would you want to spend every cherry blossom season with me?âÂ
You let the corners of your lips curl up into a grin. Jungwon wants to take that as a yes. You look at the ring â itâs beautiful, and you want nothing more than to say yes. Because you want to marry Yang Jungwon, you really do.
But there is not enough time.Â
âWon⊠IâŠâÂ
You move closer to him, and Jungwon gets up. Is this a yes? He doesnât know. You only wrap him in a hug, burying your face into the crook of his neck. Then, he hears you let out a soft sob, and he looks at you in alarm.Â
With his free hand, the one thatâs not holding the ring, he runs his hand up and down your back to comfort you. âIâm sorry.â you choke out between sobs.
You look at the box â you donât want to look at him. You know heâs got the most dejected look on his face, and you canât bear the thought of knowing that you caused it. You take his hand, the one thatâs holding the ring, and you close the box.Â
âIâm sorry. Iâm sorry, Won.âÂ
Jungwon doesnât understand. Maybe you werenât ready to say yes yet. But he saw that smile on your face after â was there something you werenât telling him?Â
âDonât be sorry. I understand. We can take our time.â he says, trying to hide the sadness in his voice. Itâs okay, he tells himself. Maybe just not now. Maybe later is a better time anyways.Â
âThe thing is⊠we donât have time.âÂ
You accidentally let those words slip. You didnât mean to tell him now â you look at Jungwonâs expression, and he looks at you with the most confused look on his face. âWhat do you mean we donât have time?âÂ
Are you going to break up with him? Jungwon hurriedly shoves the velvet box back in his pocket.
âDid I do something wrong? Did I do something to upset you?â he asks you, and you shake your head, tears rolling down your cheeks â Jungwon wants nothing more than to wipe those tears away for you, but he doesnât know if you want him to.Â
âNo. You didnât. Youâve made me the happiest person in the past few years.â you smile sadly at him, and Jungwon gets the feeling that you need to tell him something too. Something important.Â
âThen whatâs wrong?â
âYouâve done nothing wrong. You never did anything wrong. Itâs all my fault.â you say, and Jungwon shakes his head. âNo, no â what makes you say that?âÂ
âIâve been lying to you. All this time.âÂ
âWhat?âÂ
âItâs an incurable disease.â
Jungwonâs entire world falls apart at the sound of those 4 words. What do you mean itâs incurable? Surely there is some sort of cure, some sort of treatment that can save you â with all the new technological advancements, something must be able to be done.Â
âSo⊠I canât⊠be with you.âÂ
Jungwonâs world doesnât just fall apart now. He feels like heâs falling apart too. The news is like a knife to his heart. He didnât know that 6 words could leave him so broken â heâs surprised that he hasnât fallen to his knees yet, or passed out.Â
He wishes that he would pass out. So then heâd wake up in the real world, and this would all be just a dream. You would wake up by his side, not sick and you two would be happily spending the rest of your lives together.Â
He pinches himself. It hurts. Itâs real. Everything is real.Â
âIâm sorry, Won.â your heart hurts at the sight of Jungwon crying. Youâve never seen him cry before. Everything canât end like this. âThere must be something the doctors can do â Soobin. Soobin must know.â he says, shaking his head.Â
âHeâs tried⊠he has tried for a very long time, Won. Nobody has lived past 10 years. I hoped that maybe I would be able to⊠but it looks like that itâs unlikely. Impossible, even.âÂ
Jungwon doesnât get it. Out of everyone who couldâve gotten this⊠terrible, terrible illness â it just had to be you. Now it all made sense as to why you were never in school, your initial refusal to accept his confession. You were scared.
âWhy you?â he manages to choke out.Â
âI asked myself that a lot too. Why me? I donât know, Won. 10 years seems like such a long time⊠but when itâs all you have left⊠itâs suddenly so short. I spent the first 5 years wallowing in self-pity, refusing to go outside and experience life. Then, I met you.â you let yourself smile, even though everything youâre saying is sad. Jungwon looks at you with tears in his eyes, and you step closer to him, taking his hand in yours.
âEveryday with youâŠwas so much fun. I felt like I wasnât dying, whenever you were around â it was just you and me, and that illness just seemed to disappear. Like it never existed in the first place. You⊠showed me what itâs like to really live. You taught me what itâs like to love, what itâs like to be loved â you brought meaning into my life.âÂ
âBut Jungwon⊠if I stay with you any longer, Iâll be too scared to die.â
And hearing those words makes Jungwon unable to hold in the sob heâs been suppressing. You can hear the pain in his voice, and this is exactly what you feared. Hurting him.
âI love you, (Name).â Jungwon manages to say, in between sobs. âIsnât that enough?â
âI wish it was. I really wish it was.â
You wrap your arms around Jungwon, letting him sob into your shoulder. Everything hurts, for the both of you. Your hearts both feel empty.Â
âThank you, Jungwon. For loving me, and letting me love you.âÂ
âNo,â Jungwon sobs. âThis canât end like this, (Name) â we had so much more to do. We had⊠we were supposed to have more time.âÂ
âJungwon, after I go, youâll have to move on. I know thatâs easier said than done but⊠I wonât be here. Go find someone new, someone who treats you just as well as youâll treat them. Someone who loves Maeumi, someone whoâs a terrific chef, just like you, someone who laughs at all your jokes. Go find the one for you.
âI donât want to move on. Youâre the one for me, (Name). I told you â youâre the only one I want to love. Youâre the first person Iâve ever loved, and youâre going to be the last. Nobody can compare to you.â Jungwon doesnât want to let you go. He canât let you go.
âJungwon, theyâll be able to give you everything that I never could. They can give you 30, 40, 50 more cherry blossom seasons â they can give you the life that youâve always pictured having. They can give you a forever.âÂ
âI donât want a forever without you in it.âÂ
You break apart from the hug to look at Jungwon with tears brimming in your eyes. âWe have our forever. Our 4 years. Our little forever. Itâs short, but we can call it a forever, can we not?âÂ
You try your best to smile at him, brushing his hair out of his eyes. You hate that youâre the one making him this upset. You hate that youâve just completely shattered his heart, and youâre leaving him to pick up the pieces all by himself.Â
âOur little forever.â He repeats after you, and you smile at him. âIt should be longer. It shouldnât have to be little â forevers arenât meant to be little, (Name).âÂ
âI know they arenât.â Jungwon wraps you in his arms, your voice muffled by the soft fabric of his hoodie. He holds you tight, as if youâll turn to dust if he lets go. âOurs just unfortunately has to be.âÂ
âI am just a⊠small chapter in the story of your life. But I hope that I was a meaningful one. So please, Won. Go live.âÂ
âI donât want to,â You gently pat his back to comfort him â but you know it doesnât work. Nothing can help stop you both from hurting. Jungwon has never sounded this broken. He is the type of person who wouldnât ever show it if he was falling apart, and here he is, in front of you, legs weak, voice hoarse and his heart empty. âEven if I wanted to, I couldnât.âÂ
âPlease. I have to start preparing to die, Jungwon. Just tell me youâll go live.â you tell him â you donât want to start crying again, because then you wonât be able to leave.Â
You donât want to leave, but you have to. With this illness draining the life out of you, thereâs many things that you have to do even though you donât want to do them at all.Â
Jungwon doesnât say anything. His sobs are not an answer, and you know that.Â
âPlease. Itâs my last wish.â you murmur.
Jungwon knows he should fulfil your last wish. Even thinking about saying those words pains him. It drives the knife in his chest even deeper, and this pain consumes him â he can feel it in every inch of his body.Â
Jungwon lets out a shaky breath. âI⊠will go live.â
You smile at him, with such love and adoration in your eyes â Jungwon wants to just crumple to the floor. He canât believe itâs all over. âThank you.âÂ
You tilt his head up with your finger so he can look at you, and his eyes are teary, and bloodshot. âIâm sorry.â This is hard on you too. But, you feel like itâs worse for Jungwon. He has to live with the fact that his first love left him like this â with no warning at all. You shouldnât have ended it like this.Â
Then you press your lips to his, as a goodbye. The second your lips are on his, Jungwon knows that he doesnât even want to pull apart. He kisses you with such urgency, now knowing that this is the very last time that heâll ever get to feel your lips on his.Â
You kiss him back with the same urgency, the same feeling of desperation. The desire of wanting this moment to never end â because once it does, it is goodbye. Forever.
You are the one to pull away.Â
And now it is over.
You want to kiss him again. And over and over again. But you know that if you donât walk away, you never will be able to.
âI love you, Jungwon. Iâll always love you.âÂ
Walking away from Jungwon is the hardest thing youâve ever done.Â
You return back to your parents house, late at night. You havenât been back here for ages, after moving in with Jungwon. Your parents are asleep, and you lock yourself in your room.Â
The park was filled with peaceful silence. You two walked around quietly, hand in hand. He had told you that he loved you in a hushed whisper. Your room is filled with a dreadful silence. You have no one to hold, no one to tell you that they loved you. You are alone, once again.
You just let go of the very best thing that has ever happened to you.Â
And you already regret it.
NINETEEN.
For the first time in 4 years, Jungwon wakes up without you by his side.Â
On instinct, he rolls around to kiss you good morning â but the other half of the bed is empty, and the bed is cold without your presence. The velvet box lies on his bedside table, and looking at it makes Jungwon remember the events of last night.
Him proposing. You telling him that you were dying. You saying that you couldnât be with him anymore. The last kiss.Â
He buries his face in his pillow, trying to stop himself from crying. The tears threaten to spill past his cheeks, and the loss of your presence is greatly felt. He feels empty, as if thereâs a part of him thatâs been taken away.Â
It is probably his heart. With you leaving, you had taken his heart too. Not even just a little piece of it, the entire thing. Maybe heâs being dramatic, but he doesnât think he has any desire to love again.Â
He understands why you didnât tell him â you didnât want him to be hurt. But Jungwon would rather have been told this in a different way. Being told that you were dying out of the blue, especially after he had poured his heart out to you while proposing, completely broke him.
His eyes are puffy and swollen from all the crying he did last night. Maeumi senses Jungwonâs sadness, and curls up in bed next to him, Jungwon stroking the dogâs fur as he sniffles, tears rolling down his cheeks.
âItâs just you and me now, Maeumi.âÂ
Jungwon already misses you. He wants to run to your apartment, and tell you that he still wants to be by your side during your final months. But after last night, Jungwon thinks that you donât want him to be there.Â
You donât want him to see you in pain.Â
Your belongings are still in his apartment. Nothing has changed, most of the things that you own are still there. Jungwon gets up from the bed, and he opens the closet door.
The first item of clothing he sees is the green cardigan that youâd worn when you came to his house for the first time. Jungwon remembers seeing you that day, and youâd quite literally taken his breath away.Â
Jungwon takes the cardigan off the hanger, and holds it close to his chest. He should probably send these things back to you. Maeumi looks at him with sad eyes â Jungwon doesnât even need to say anything, and his dogâs already noticed the change in his mood.Â
How is he supposed to just move on with his life, now knowing that yours is about to end?Â
No wonder why you always talked about the fragility of cherry blossoms, and how they never tended to last long. He now realised that you were talking about yourself.
From now on, all cherry blossoms will do is remind him of you. His first love, and the first one he lost. He wishes that he could freeze moments in time, just so he can get more time with you. 4 years was far too short.Â
He is no longer able to hear the sound of your laughter, no longer to see the bright smile on your lips, and no longer able to just simply look at you, admiring all of your features.Â
Jungwon puts the green cardigan on. Itâs quite tight â itâs oversized on you, but it's a little small on him. It smells like you. He doesnât want to stretch it out, so heâs careful when he moves.
The warmth of the cardigan makes Jungwon feel like youâre hugging him. Your arms wrapped right around his chest, and Jungwon allows himself to imagine that youâre here, holding him in your arms.Â
And he smiles.Â
Jungwon heads outside to the convenience store just for a little while. Ever since you had accepted his confession that day in the hospital, Jungwonâs never really spent a day without you by his side.
It feels strange, for you to not be there. But as heâs wearing your green cardigan, he feels your presence linger. He opens his mouth to speak, to ask you a question â but then he realises youâre not next to him. Itâs just him now.Â
This is going to take some time to get used to.Â
He returns to his apartment with a plastic bag with instant ramyeon and a few snacks. He places the bag on the dining room table, and he notices your keys.
You came when he was at the convenience store.
Jungwon rushes into the room that you two used to share â did you take your things? Did you quietly pack everything up and go?Â
Everything seems untouched, at first glance.Â
Jungwon opens the closet doors, and you donât seem to have taken much from your closet, maybe a few hoodies and some jeans. Everything else is still there.Â
This reminds Jungwon to take your cardigan off, and put it back on the hanger. He puts the hanger back onto the rack, and goes to grab the grey hoodie he wore the first time you had come over to his house.
He opens the drawer, and he sees a note. Itâs written in your handwriting. I took one of your hoodies. I hope you donât mind. Check the bedside table.
Jungwon digs through the drawer, and the hoodie isnât anywhere to be found. He takes the note, grabbing the first hoodie from the pile, and closing the drawer.
Thereâs a small box on the bedside table. It looks a little too similar to the one that holds the engagement ring Jungwon had bought. He opens the box with a shaky breath, and inside is a ring.
Thereâs another note next to the box. For my one and only.Â
Jungwon wants to cry, but he thinks he cried so much last night to the point where he canât cry anymore. He slides the ring onto his ring finger, and it fits. He tells himself to never take it off.
He shouldâve given you the ring. Just for you to keep it. So you could have one too.Â
Jungwon crawls into bed again, hiding under the covers. He holds his hands close to his heart, his fingers fiddling with the ring heâs placed on his finger, perhaps in hopes that itâll mend his broken heart.
It doesnât work.Â
Jungwon thinks that heâll just have to live with this heartbreak.Â
TWENTY.Â
If those white hospital walls felt familiar before, they feel like home now.Â
2 months after you end things with Jungwon, youâre moved into the hospital to prepare for your eventual death. You have to constantly wear an oxygen mask now, and Chaewonâs heart hurts at the sight of you like this.Â
Youâre confined in his hospital room, occasionally taking a couple walks outside â but you spend most of your days in bed, writing.Â
You know that the book that you originally were planning to finish before you die wonât be finished in time, with your time being cut short to 4 years. So, you change your plans â you write something for Jungwon.Â
Chaewon visits you today. She sees you in your hospital bed, wearing Jungwonâs hoodie that you had taken from the apartment you two had shared. You wear the hoodie often, so often to the point where you had told her a couple days ago that the hoodie didnât smell like Jungwon anymore.Â
âYou seem busy,â Chaewon sits down on the chair next to your bed, and you take a small glance at her before returning your focus towards your laptop. âI take it the bookâs making progress?â
âSlow progress, but progress nevertheless.â you tell her. âI donât think that I have much time left, and I donât think Iâll have much energy to even write soon. Iâve got to⊠finish this before I go.âÂ
âYou do know that Soobinâs still trying to come up with a solution, right?âÂ
âWhat solution is there, Chae?â you sigh, and stop typing. âI have so little time left â the doctors had 10 years to make something work, and Iâm still dying. Itâs not going to happen, Chae. I wish there was, because maybe things would be different.âÂ
Different, as in you wouldnât be spending your days trapped in the hospital, mask over your lips. You would be happy, engaged, and with Jungwon. You could live a normal life, one where you didnât have to go to the hospital for regular checkups, one where the thought of dying doesnât linger in the back of your mind.Â
You look at Chaewon with a smile on your face. âSo as much as I want things to be different... I know that my fate canât be changed.â It is not like you havenât lived happily â the last few years were filled with moments that you treasured dearly.Â
Chaewon doesnât say anything, and you start typing once more.Â
âBut donât you want to see him?â she pipes up, and you stop. You slowly turn to look at her, letting out a deep breath.Â
âItâs not that simple.âÂ
âYou love him.âÂ
âThatâs exactly why itâs not simple.â you reply plainly.Â
âI canât see him. Not when Iâm like this. Look at me, Chaewon. I look like Iâm dying. How would he react if he saw me like this?âÂ
âHe loves you. He wouldnât care.âÂ
âBut it would hurt him.â you close the lid of your laptop, lying down in the bed. âI donât want to hurt him more than I already have. It has been 2 months since I last saw him â he should be moving on with his life. If I see him⊠it will bring back memories. Staying away is the best⊠for both him and I.âÂ
Chaewon can see it in your eyes. Staying away from Jungwon is hurting you, too. Not being able to see him, combined with your illness has drained all the life out of you. She doesnât know how Jungwon is doing â she hasnât had the courage to message him, after you broke up with him.Â
Jungwon hasnât reached out either.
Chaewon understands why he wouldnât. You broke up with him immediately after he proposed. If she was in Jungwonâs position, she would undoubtedly be very upset. But Chaewon also knows that Jungwon is understanding. You did tell her that you informed Jungwon about your illness, even though it was most definitely not a good time to say it.Â
âBut you miss him, (Name).âÂ
âI know. Sometimes I just want to grab my phone and message him like everythingâs normal again. But I canât, because it would make things more complicated than they have to be. Heâll cling on again, and I will too. Iâve given him too much false hope already, and I canât hurt him again. I saw the way he looked at me that night after I told him that I was dying. I felt like I took everything away from him. His plans for the future all involved me â he told me that he didnât want to spend his life with anyone else, Chae.âÂ
âHe wanted to marry you.âÂ
âAnd I wanted to marry him. But⊠sometimes plans donât work out. I wish ours did.âÂ
The ring that you had placed on that nightstand was a purchase that you had made hastily. You went to the store, bought the nicest wedding band that you saw among their displays. You just wanted Jungwon to have something that reminded him of you.Â
You donât mention in your note that you had bought a matching one for yourself. It sits on your ring finger, and you tell Chaewon that youâre never going to take it off.Â
âMaybe Soobin will come up with something,â Chaewon says. But who is she trying to fool? Sheâs seen Soobin go countless nights without sleep, just trying to research and find some way to keep you alive. She thinks sheâs holding onto hope that doesnât exist, and perhaps Soobin is too. âBut, also, thereâs something we need to do.â
Chaewon takes out a piece of folded paper from her pocket. Itâs the bucket list that you two had created when you were younger, and she places it on the nightstand, smoothing out the creases on the paper.Â
She takes out a pencil, and hands it to you. âI guess we can check that box on the list now, canât we?â she whispers, and you take the pencil.Â
Fall in love, the box reads.Â
You write the word hopelessly in brackets next to it, and Chaewon chuckles.Â
Then, you tick the box.Â
TWENTY ONE.
Three months later, Soobin wakes Chaewon up in the middle of the night.Â
âI found a way,â Soobin says, and Chaewon looks at him in disbelief. âI think⊠I really found a way. Thereâs no guarantee it will work⊠but we can try.âÂ
Chaewon hugs Soobin so tight he thinks he might suffocate. âThank you, Soobin.âÂ
Soobin informs you and your family the next morning, and your mother lets out a loud sob. âYouâre saying⊠that (Name) could live?â your mother asks.Â
âIf the surgery works, then I believe so. I really hope so.â Soobin says, and he looks at you. He canât read the expression on your face, but he hopes you react positively. Youâre going to live. He knows thatâs what you want.
âDoes this mean⊠no more hospital visits? No more additional treatments, no more trials? I can live⊠normally?â you murmur.Â
âWell, youâd still need check-ups from time to time. But yes, if this entire thing works, you can live a normal life. You can see Jungwon again. Heâs the lawyer, isnât he?âÂ
Chaewon nods. âYes, heâs the lawyer.âÂ
âSo⊠what do you say? Are you up for the procedure?âÂ
You have waited for so long. You know thereâs no guarantee itâll work, but it canât hurt to try. The worst that could happen is that youâll die, and even with no surgery, youâll die anyways. At least with this procedure, it gives you a chance.Â
A chance for 30, 40, 50 more cherry blossom seasons.Â
You can see Jungwon again. You two can finish what you two started â you can say yes, this time. You two can get nicer wedding bands, and you two can spend every day together, until youâre both old and wrinkly.
âYes. Letâs do it.âÂ
Soobin smiles brightly at you. âGreat. Letâs do it, then.âÂ
It seems as if the universe has given you another chance at life. Like the cherry blossoms that return each spring, it seems like you will return for the next spring too.Â
âAre you going to tell Jungwon?â your sister asks you, and you pause. Should you tell Jungwon? Wouldnât it be strange to message him out of the blue, after you had broken his heart five months ago?Â
âWhat would I say?â
âTurns out Iâm going to live.â Chaewon shrugs, as if it was the most obvious answer in the world. âLook, he loves you a lot. 5 months is a long time, but⊠youâre not too late.âÂ
You could message him. But what if things donât stay the same? What if heâs happier now, and with someone else? Wouldnât you just ruin things for him if you suddenly came back into his life again and acted as if nothing was wrong?Â
âI donât⊠I donât think that I could do that.â you play with the ring that sits on your ring finger, and Chaewon sighs.Â
âItâs okay. Do what you feel is right, I suppose. But⊠I know that Jungwon holds a lot of love in his heart for you. I donât think he would let go of his feelings for you so easily â heâs loved you since 7th grade. Do you know how long that is?â Chaewon asks, and you canât help but smile.Â
âThat is quite a long time.â you agree, and Chaewon nods.Â
âYou can tell him after the surgery.â she says.Â
You think that might be a better idea. Because if you donât survive the journey, you might give Jungwon more false hope. It would crush him even more if you had randomly messaged him, told him you were getting surgery in order to live, and not end up living anyways.Â
âI have to finish the book.â you suddenly remember. If the surgery is soon, and you donât make it, you still want your story with Jungwon to be published. Minji had told you that Hajoon was good friends with someone who worked at a big-name publishing company, and could help you get it published.Â
You immediately open your laptop, and open up the document that you had been working on. With newfound motivation, the words just seem to come naturally onto the page. Chaewon watches as your fingers fly at a superhuman speed across the keyboard, and she smiles.Â
She really does hope that the surgery works. There are more boxes on that bucket list that have yet to be ticked off. Chaewon wants more time with you. She needs more time with you.Â
Perhaps sheâll finally be able to see you and Jungwon have your happily ever after. You could finally say yes to his proposal. She could watch you say âI doâ at the altar. And you and Jungwon will get the life that you two had planned for yourselves. Your countless cherry blossom seasons, and your little forever does not need to be so little anymore.
She is glad that the universe is finally able to see that your early departure from this world would be a great loss. Finally, there is some way to keep you alive. Soobin has worked for years in order to find a solution, and she couldnât be happier for you, but also him.Â
Heâs worked tirelessly, and his hard work has paid off. Heâs going to be able to save the lives of other people who are unfortunately suffering through the same illness as you are.Â
â(Name)?â Chaewon says, and you look up at her.
âI hope it works.âÂ
You smile, nodding at your sister.Â
âI really hope it works too.âÂ
TWENTY TWO.
Your surgery is in 2 days.Â
Wonyoung and Minji have visited you every day in the days leading up to your surgery, with the two of them bringing you your favourite foodw every time.Â
You manage to finish the book. It is quite short, but it details everything you want to say to Jungwon.Â
âSend it over to Hajoon, please? I hope that itâll be published. If I do⊠end up passing⊠I hope that it becomes a success.â you tell Minji, who nods. She seems to be fighting the urge to cry, and you sigh. âDonât cry, Minji. Maybe itâll work.âÂ
âIt has to.â Minji says. âThings wonât be the same without you. Itâs always been us 3. When you told us that you were dying⊠I was forced to start imagining what itâd be like with just the 2 of us⊠and even now, I donât know what itâll be like. But I know itâll be very different.â
âDonât think about that. Letâs think about what life will be like after the surgery works.â Wonyoung squeezes your hand.Â
âAlso⊠send over a copy to Jungwon.â
âOh. Of course,â Minji replies. âHave you spoken to him since the breakup?â
You shake your head. âI donât know how heâs doing. And please⊠donât tell him about the surgery. Because if it doesnât work, then heâll be more upset than before.âÂ
Wonyoung looks down at her shoes, her hand still holding yours. âHe misses you.âÂ
You look at her with a surprised look on your face. âHe does?âÂ
The girl nods. âHe misses you a lot. Heâs⊠not doing so great. Ricky says that they meet up every now and then, and Jungwon never seems to be⊠okay. Iâve seen him a couple of times, and now that itâs just the 3 of us⊠itâs like thereâs⊠someone missing. We meet at his house, sometimes. He often looks at the empty seat on his right. He sets up a plate and cutlery for that empty seat too â heâs saving it for you.âÂ
Your heart hurts. You want to see him again. You want to fill up that empty seat, and then nothing will be missing. Things will be right, just like the way they were before.Â
Your friends carefully examine your features, and it is clear to both of them that you miss him too. Youâre wearing his hoodie, and the box that Jungwon used to give you that white wig sits on your nightstand, near your bed. The camera that you used to record moments with Jungwon is placed close to the box â Minji and Wonyoung know that you want to keep items that remind you of Jungwon near you.Â
âItâs okay. Youâll see him soon.âÂ
âYeah. I will,â you try to not think about the highly likely possibility of you not surviving the surgery. âIn a couple of months, maybe. Iâve still got to recover from the surgery.âÂ
âWe could ask him to come to the hospital to see you after you wake up,â Minji says, and you immediately shake your head. âNo. I donât want Jungwon to see me sick like this. When we were together, there was a reason why I booked my doctorâs appointments whenever he was busy. Iâll see him when Iâm fully better, okay?âÂ
Minji and Wonyoung look at each other, Wonyoung biting the inside of her cheek hesitantly. âYeah. Okay, then.âÂ
âYou guys can go if youâre busy,â you tell your friends, and the two shake their heads. âWeâre not going to go yet, (Name). We⊠want to stay with you for a little longer.â Minji says, her voice cracking slightly.Â
âYeah. Weâre always here for you,â Wonyoung smiles at you. âWeâve been friends since we were little. Weâre not going to⊠let you go this quickly.âÂ
âAnd if this whole thing doesnât work, Iâll be watching you two from up there.âÂ
Your words make Minji and Wonyoung go silent. As your surgery date gets closer and closer, reality hits them like a ton of bricks â theyâve known that you would go earlier than either of them, but now knowing the possibility of this moment being the last they ever share with you is terrifying.Â
Nobody is ready to see you leave. You donât think youâre quite ready either.Â
âDonât say that, (Name).â Minji is the first one to break the silence. âThe surgery could work. Soobinâs very good at what he does. You could live, and then when weâre old, we can all retire and live in a small village. Like we planned.âÂ
âYes. Just like we planned.â you say, staring up at the ceiling.
Wonyoung and Minji stay until the hospital staff tell them that they have to leave. They bid you goodbye with tears in their eyes, the two of them hugging you tightly, not wanting to let go.Â
As sheâs heading to leave, Minji stops in her tracks and turns around. âIâll see you in 2 days, (Name).âÂ
You rest your head against your pillow, and you sigh. In 2 days, you would either die, or you would learn that you would be able to live.Â
You hold your hands close to your chest, fiddling with the ring on your finger.Â
Then, you close your eyes.Â
TWENTY THREE.Â
At night, Iâm afraid to close my eyes.Â
I canât forget. I canât forget you.Â
Jungwonâs eyes scan the page, tears falling onto the paper. He wipes the tears rolling down his cheeks away with the sleeve of his hoodie.Â
Hey, Jungwon.Â
I lived a happy life. It mightâve been shorter than others, but when I met you, and was loved dearly by you, I thought â I was definitely alive. So, Iâve done enough in this lifetime, right?Â
When you proposed, I wanted to say yes. If this illness didnât plague me, believe me â I wouldâve told you yes in a heartbeat. I wish I didnât end things that way. I wish things didnât have to end.Â
I want to see you, Jungwon.Â
I want to see you so bad, Jungwon.Â
Wonyoung looks at Jungwon helplessly â sobs racking his body. She reaches a hand out to comfort him, patting him on the shoulder gently. But it is no use.Â
Iâll be watching you from above, Jungwon. Iâll make the cherry blossom seasons more beautiful than the last every time they come. Iâll paint you the prettiest rainbows in the sky.Â
Go on and live happily, my love.Â
Hey, Jungwon?Â
I love you.Â
He turns the page, and he finds that thereâs nothing left. He looks at Wonyoung, bloodshot eyes and tears staining his cheeks. âThatâs it? Thatâs all?âÂ
Wonyoung simply nods. Jungwon doesnât know that today is the day of your surgery, and she is equally as worried. The poor girl is trying not to break herself, and seeing Jungwon so distraught makes her feel the need to fight back the tears stinging her eyes.Â
âIs there anything else she said? Anything else I should know? Please, Wonyoung. Tell me.â Jungwon is desperate to just simply know how you are doing. He wants to know anything â it doesnât even have to be anything important. A simple âfineâ would suffice. It has been months, but Jungwon knows that the wound over his heart is nowhere near healed.Â
It still hurts, and it still stings.Â
All day, and all night all he does is think about you. He wakes up, without you by his side â and he just feels empty. Sometimes, it affects him at work too â his colleagues notice that heâs âa little out of itâ, saying that he doesnât seem to be as focused as before. Something at home mustâve affected him pretty badly, is the gossip around the office.Â
Everyone around him has noticed that he is not the same person he was before â maybe even just simply a shell of his previous self.Â
He rarely smiles now. When he does, they seem forced. He always looks tired, dark eye bags under his eyes. Jungwon knows he should live happily, for you â but it is hard. It is a struggle.Â
âShe is⊠doing okay.âÂ
âCan I see her?âÂ
âShe⊠doesnât want you to see her in a state like this. Iâm sorry, Jungwon,â Wonyoung looks down at her shoes uncomfortably. âAnd she fears that if she sees you⊠sheâll be too scared to go.âÂ
âIs there anything else?âÂ
Jungwon fiddles with the ring you had left on the nightstand. Wonyoung somehow just realises that this ring matches with the one that you have on your finger. The one you never take off.Â
âWho gave you that?â Wonyoung asks curiously, gesturing towards the ring. Jungwon looks at it with a sad smile. â(Name). The day after we ended things.âÂ
âThatâs interesting. (Name) has a matching one.â Wonyoung tells him, and Jungwonâs features soften. âReally?â he whispers.Â
âYeah,â Wonyoung nods. âI think⊠she mightâve gotten them to show her commitment towards you. You are her first and last love, Jungwon. You mean a great deal to her. She still loves you.âÂ
âAnd I still love her,â Jungwon sighs. âIt has been months. (Name) has asked me to move on â and I am trying. Because she told me it was her last wish, but it seems⊠impossible to fulfil. How am I supposed to get over her?âÂ
Wonyoung has to tell herself that she canât inform Jungwon about your surgery. As of right now, youâre probably in the operating room right now. She taps her foot on the marble floor anxiously â she really, really hopes that it will be a success. âYou can⊠take your time. I understand it is hard.âÂ
âNot just hard, Wonyoung. Impossible.â Jungwon says. He flips back to the first page of the short book that you had left him, and starts reading it from start to finish.Â
It details almost every single moment of your relationship, and Jungwonâs heart warms at the fact that you remember every little detail.Â
Slowly but surely, every little thing started to remind me of you. Grey hoodies, the smell of fresh linen, small white dogs, and black beanies. Cherry flavoured lip balm, silver small hoop earrings, and stickers of Tamama. Black and white flannel shirts, expensive lego sets, and Mom is An Alien ice cream.Â
But then I realised, everything started to remind me of you, because I found that I was always searching for something that reminded me of you.Â
Somehow, you slowly made your way into my heart when I thought I had kept it sealed shut. I donât know how you did it, but I am so grateful you did.Â
âYouâll be okay, Jungwon.â Wonyoung watches him wipe his tears away once more. She takes out a packet of tissues from her purse, sliding it to him on the table. âI donât know. Maybe. Thank you for the tissues, Wonyoung.â he says, taking out a tissue.Â
He wipes his tears away, but they keep falling.Â
âItâs okay, Jungwon. Just let it all out.â she says, patting his shoulder gently.Â
Wonyoung nervously glances at her phone, waiting for any sort of news from your family to see whether or not the surgery was a success.Â
She needs you alive. Jungwon needs you alive.Â
Everyone you know needs you alive.Â
TWENTY FOUR.Â
âWe just need her to wake up.âÂ
That is the first thing you hear when you wake up.Â
You crack one eye open, and you feel the warmth of Chaewonâs hand in yours. You hear the nervous tapping of her shoes on the hospital floor, you hear the beeps of the machines youâre hooked up to, and you hear the chatter from your parents and Soobin in your room.Â
âPlease, (Name). Wake up. Please.â Chaewon murmurs, and you lightly squeeze her hand.Â
Chaewon immediately notices. â(Name)?â She looks at you in awe, as you stare at her, mustering up a smile. Youâre tired, probably because you just woke up from surgery â but youâre alive.Â
Youâre alive. Youâre not with the stars yet. Youâre here, on Earth.Â
âSheâs alive. Sheâs alive, Soobin!â Chaewon gasps, and Soobin immediately runs over to you. â(Name). (Name)! Oh my god. It worked. It worked.â he says, and he wraps Chaewon in a huge hug. The two of them are crying, and you smile weakly at them.Â
âYou did it, Soobin. You saved my sister.â Chaewon sobs, and you look towards your parents, who must be in shock. Your father and mother are both sitting there shock-still, mouth agape. âUncle, Auntie. Sheâs alive. (Name) made it. Sheâs going to live.âÂ
Then, your mother lets out the loudest sob. You think that everyone in the hospital is able to hear it.Â
âOh my god, (Name).â your mother says, running over to you. She grabs your hand, holding it tightly. Youâre too tired to say anything, so you just simply smile at her. You would wave, if she wasnât grabbing your hands like her life depended on it.Â
âHow are you feeling?â Chaewon asks.Â
Your mother lets go of your hands so you can give them a thumbs up. âSheâs probably very tired, right now. We should let her sleep for a little bit.â Soobin tells your parents. He offers them some coffee at the cafe, to which they accept.
Before he leaves the room, Soobin gives you a soft smile. âSee? Your brother in law did it.âÂ
Chaewon canât help but look at him with adoration as he leaves. She squeezes your hands tightly, maybe even tighter than your mother did. âI told you not to give up hope. Youâre alive. You get more time here.âÂ
You do get more time here. More time with your friends, more time with your family.Â
You get more time with Jungwon.Â
âOh my god. We have to tell Jungwon, donât we?â Chaewon says, and you grab her arm to stop her from getting her phone. You shake your head, telling her not now. Maybe in a bit.Â
âWhy?âÂ
You wave your hand to tell her that youâll explain later, when youâve regained enough energy to talk. You close your eyes, letting yourself drift away into a deep slumber.Â
And for the first time, youâre not scared to close your eyes anymore.Â
Your fear was forgetting about Jungwon once you passed away, and were in the stars. But now you donât have to worry about that anymore, because youâre alive.
The universe had decided that it wanted you to stay for longer. That you deserved more time. And even though youâre still hooked up to these machines, you know that soon enough, after youâve made much more progress with your recovery, the white walls in the hospital will become much less familiar than before.
You can go home. Back to Jungwon.
You finally get your normal life. Where you donât have to worry about dying until much, much later. Where you can just stay in the moment, cherishing every single second, minute, and hour.Â
You get to see more of those beautiful pink blossoms that you adore.
Soobin had done the impossible â he had cured what was thought to be an incurable illness. Chaewon is eternally grateful to him for that.Â
âWe can finally check off that bucket list, (Name).â Chaewon says, softly sobbing. âEvery box will be ticked.âÂ
Soobin enters the hospital room with a cup of coffee, only to see Chaewon crying, and he quickly places the coffee down on the nightstand. âChae, donât cry.â he grabs a tissue from the tissue box, wiping her tears away.
âSheâs alive.â Soobin says. âYes. Sheâs alive. I didnât think Iâd get more time with her,â she cries, and Soobin holds her tightly. âThank you for saving her, my love.âÂ
âIâm glad I was able to.âÂ
âDoes Jungwon know?â Soobin asks, and Chaewon shakes her head, wiping her tears away with the tissue. âShe doesnât want him to know yet.âÂ
âWhy?âÂ
âI donât know. I think she thinks that itâs her way of keeping him away from suffering more pain because of her.â Chaewon replies. She really wishes that youâll justâŠ. tell Jungwon. But then again, she doesnât know what itâs like to go through something like this. She canât claim to understand, and she wonât either.
âI guess weâll just have to wait, right?âÂ
TWENTY FIVE.
Your recovery goes well.
Itâs been 4 months since your surgery, and Minji and Wonyoung havenât told Jungwon that youâre alive yet. The boy still thinks youâre dead, according to Ricky.
For the first time after the surgery, you go out and see the cherry blossoms. This time, you go at night.
âDo you want me to come with you?â Chaewon asks, and you shake your head. âIâm okay, Chae. I can handle myself.âÂ
Youâre wearing Jungwonâs grey hoodie, and a pair of black sweatpants. Youâre dressed exactly like how he usually is, and you stuff your wallet and keys into the front pocket of the hoodie before you leave the house.
Itâs colder tonight, the cold air nipping at your skin. You head towards the park where Jungwon had proposed to you. Itâs a little further from your apartment now, because you had moved out of Jungwonâs place.
You donât know why, but you feel like you might see him here tonight.Â
You arrive, and the cherry blossoms are illuminated by the lights hung around the trees, just like the night Jungwon had proposed.
You take a deep breath in, taking in the fresh air. Youâre alive.
You walk around the park, smiling to yourself. The smell of the cherry blossoms waft through the air, and oh, youâve missed this. The only thing thatâs missing is Jungwon by your side.
âI wonder how youâre doing,â you murmur to yourself. You act like Jungwonâs able to hear you, even though you know he isnât.Â
âAre you eating well? Are you sleeping well? How is your family? What about Maeumi?â you have tons of questions for him.Â
âI survived,â you whisper. âSoobin finally found a way. I got the surgery, and my recovery is going well. Iâm not in pain anymore, and I donât have to take as much medicine. I didnât give up hope.â
âWe can finally have our forever, if youâre willing. I know I am.â
His apartment isn't far from here. Maybe you could walk there, and talk to him. But thatâs probably not such a good idea. Itâs the middle of the night, and he would most definitely be startled.Â
The possibility that heâs moved on already also lingers in the back of your mind. You can only hope that what Wonyoung told you about him missing you is true, because then, you truly wouldnât know what to do.
Or perhaps you should simply stay away. Wouldnât coming back to him make things more complicated?Â
Chaewonâs voice rings in your head. But he loves you.
What if he doesnât anymore?Â
Terrible thoughts like these run rampant in your mind, and you tell yourself to stop thinking so negatively. You are alive. Your time is not going to expire anytime soon, anymore. You have time to mend things, if he is willing to.
You really hope he is willing to.
You donât know that Jungwon is also looking at the cherry blossoms too.Â
Except, he is at a different park.
He is at the one closer to your house, the one where you two had met for the first time. He brings the ring with him â this is the first cherry blossom season heâs spent alone after you had left.
âI miss you,â he says to the trees. He acts as if they are you. âIs it comfortable up there? Are you happy?âÂ
âI got a promotion, by the way. Apparently, the last few years of my hard work really paid off. Oh, Ricky and Wonyoung got engaged, if you didnât know that. Iâm very happy for them.â
âWonyoung told me that the ring you left had a matching one that you wore. Thatâs very sweet of you. I⊠never really take this one off. Iâm trying to move on, but⊠itâs very hard. Please forgive me if I need some time. Much more time.âÂ
âI read your book to me, by the way. Hajoon says his friend published it, and itâs a big hit. I bought a copy of it for myself, too.âÂ
As a fully intact flower floats to the floor, Jungwon picks it up. He smiles at it, and tucks it behind his ear like you did. âI love you, (Name). Iâll go to the park where we met tomorrow. It will be a Saturday. I have time.âÂ
Jungwon walks back home, cherry blossom still tucked behind his ear. If people saw him like this, they might think heâs a little silly â but Jungwon doesnât care. Nobody knows how much it means to him. Jungwon tells himself to go press the flower in a little book when he gets home, so he can preserve it.
He passes by the park where he proposed to you, and where you had ended things. He sees a figure wandering around the park wearing a big hoodie, just like he is, and he furrows his eyebrows. Perhaps that person likes seeing the cherry blossoms at night too. It is rather pretty, with the LED lights illuminating the pink flowers.
He heads back to his apartment, thinking nothing of it.
He doesnât realise that the person is you.
And as you return back to your apartment too, you also donât realise that Jungwon had walked right past you.
TWENTY SIX.
True to his word, Jungwon returns to that park on Saturday.
This time, heâs walking Maeumi. Itâs a good day today, the birds are chirping and thereâs not a single cloud in the sky.
Jungwon sees a lot of couples walking around in the park. That wouldâve been you and him, if you were still here. He looks up at the sky again. Maybe youâre watching him from up there. He hopes that you are.
He canât help but admit that he does feel the slightest bit of jealousy watching those couples walk around hand in hand.Â
But he tells himself itâs okay. You wouldnât want him to dwell on things like this.
Just like the day he met you for the first time after high school ended, thereâs a peaceful quietness as he wanders around the park. The cherry blossoms this year are as beautiful as ever, and Jungwon knows that youâd just simply adore them if you were here to witness it.
âSheâd love these, wouldnât she, Maeumi?â he asks his dog.Â
Jungwon looks for any flowers that mightâve floated to the pavement, fully intact.Â
He canât seem to find any, so he decides to wander off to another part of the park. It is pretty big, which is why a lot of couples come here for picnics during the cherry blossom season. He did that with you when you two were dating.Â
But then Maeumi barks, and runs off. âWoah, Maeumi â whatâs going on?â Jungwon follows his dog, sighing. âMaeumi, seriously, donât run offâ!âÂ
He stops in his tracks when he sees Maeumi run up to you. Just like the first time he saw you again after high school.
But thereâs no way thatâs you â because youâre dead. But then you look at him, and your eyes tell him everything. You look at him with love shining bright in your eyes, and oh, Jungwonâs missed seeing that look in your eyes. Heâs missed seeing you.Â
Jungwon must be dreaming. Or, either youâre a ghost â but Jungwon doesnât really believe in ghosts, so perhaps heâs just dreaming. He pinches himself to the point it hurts, so he knows that this isnât just a dream.
âJungwon,â you breathe out.
Your voice is like the most wonderful piece of music to his ears. Tears sting his eyes â Jungwon has been crying a lot recently, but these ones arenât sad tears. Theyâre happy tears.Â
â(Name)? But.. youâŠâ Jungwon canât believe his eyes. Youâre actually here. You didnât die. But why did Wonyoung keep this a secret from him? And why didnât you call?Â
âIâm alive. I know⊠itâs shocking.â
âWhy didnât you call? Why didnât you say anything â how?â he asks, in disbelief.
âIâm sorry.â you say, stepping closer to him. âI⊠didnât want you to see me sick. But⊠Iâm alive now. And⊠I got surgery. Soobin cured my illness.âÂ
Jungwon just wraps you in a huge hug, and he starts sobbing uncontrollably. âI missed you. I missed you so much.âÂ
âI missed you too,â you bury your face in the crook of his neck. âI wanted to see you. I wanted to see you so badly it hurt, Jungwon. I never wanted to leave you â I⊠wanted that forever.âÂ
You look at Jungwon with tears in your eyes. âYouâre not over me, are you?âÂ
Jungwon shakes his head with a small smile. âYou know that Iâd never get over you. Like I said⊠youâre the only one for me, (Name). Every day Iâve spent without you, Iâve still been thinking about you, dreaming about you. Iâve loved you since the 7th grade â I canât let someone like you go so easily.âÂ
Jungwon feels that wound over his heart start to mend. You are here â you are alive, and that is all that matters to him. You have always been the one for him, and now knowing that he can indeed spend his forever with you fills him with so much joy he feels like he could just explode.Â
âWhy didnât you tell me you were getting surgery?â he asks, taking a hold of your hands.
âI couldnât let you see me in that state. And there was no guarantee that it would work, and I didnât want to give you any false hope that I would survive. Throughout our relationship I had already given you too much false hope. Iâm really, really sorry about that. I just⊠canât stand seeing you upset. And I know ending things like that mustâve been⊠so, excruciatingly painful. Iâm so sorry, Jungwon.âÂ
âItâs okay. Youâre here now.â he says. âWe have time to⊠mend things, right?âÂ
âAll the time in the world,â you affirm, a soft smile on your lips. âOf course, I will have the occasional check-up, and Iâll still be on some medication, but⊠no more hospital beds and machinery hooked up to my body so often.âÂ
âWe can take things slow, Won. Thereâs no pressure. No clocks ticking. Just me and you. Oh, and I canïżœïżœt forget about Maeumi.â you ruffle the dogâs fur, and even Maeumi seems overjoyed at your return.Â
Jungwon canât help but smile at you like an idiot. âWhat?â you ask, mirroring the look on his face.
âNothing. I just canât believe youâre actually here.â he says, and as he holds your hands, he feels the ring on your finger. He looks at it, and his smile gets even wider.Â
He brings your hand up to his lips, and kisses the ring. âYou know, I never took mine off.â he says, showing you his hand.Â
âI never took mine off either,â you say. âI never wanted to.âÂ
Suddenly, everything is alright. Jungwon finds himself smiling again, and he finds that his gloomy mood has just disappeared, all because youâve returned. Those 30, 40, 50 cherry blossom seasons will undoubtedly be shared with you. Your little forever suddenly does not become so little after all â the universe has given you much, much more time. Now, it is simply a forever.
âCan I kiss you?â Jungwon asks, and you nod. âOf course you can, Won.âÂ
And when he leans in, everything just feels right again. The cherry blossoms float in the air behind you, falling to the pavement. The chatter around you two is drowned out â itâs just you and him again, and nobody else. As if you two are in your little bubble. He still uses that cherry flavoured chapstick, you realise.Â
He kisses you with such longing, and you do too. You have missed this, the feeling of his lips on yours. When you pull away, thereâs a big, goofy grin on Jungwonâs face. âOne more.â
You know this trick. But you let him trick you anyway.
Jungwon kisses you over and over again under the cherry blossom trees, your hearts both so full to the point you think it might burst at the seams.
You think your second romance with Jungwon will make you fall harder than the first time. The universe gives you two another chance, and you are nothing but grateful.Â
You have time now.
And as you return to Jungwonâs apartment, the place you call home, you smile brightly at him.Â
Aside from transience and ephemerality, cherry blossoms also signify a rebirth. In this case, a rebirth of your romance with Jungwon. A new start, perhaps.Â
You both can finally live the life that you both pictured having.Â
So, when he pops the question again, this time, you know you wonât hesitate to say yes.
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