#𓎠𓎠 ೨୧ ˒ 𝓣alking ᛝ

[ivantillceo]

" well im endo and my therapist said that my system is real ! " your therapist likely only said that because

they didn't want to risk you finding another therapist aka them losing money

they believed you were/are in some sort of delusion and didn't see you ready to face reality yet

they didn't want to be at risk of you hurting yourself or others or lashing out

they think you actually have some sort of dissociative disorder and didn't want to risk bringing up memories

they aren't a specialist in dissociative disorders and don't really know much about the topic

[batexe]

hai guys im back in burnout . sighs dramatically . requests will be done at a very slow pace for a bit !! thank yew for understanding

[ivantillceo]

response to the callout post

hello ! recently , i was added to the rentryblr blocklist and a callout post was made about me , and im here to address everything in it and discuss that . originally i wasn't going to reply , but i figured it'd be better to instead of just staying quiet .

first : profiction

i don't really have anything to say about this . i am profiction , i use the label in sense that i think it's silly to bully or harass people over the fiction they make or consume . that's about it . i understand a lot of people have a problem with profiction people , which i have no issue with . the reason it was put " discreetly " is simply because i dont see a reason to discuss it . it's not something either of my blogs center around .

second : tcoaal

so apart of the callout post was about me being a tcoaal fan . im not into tcoaal anymore . i used to enjoy the game when it first started gaining traction but i lost interest in it quickly due to getting into things like bandom instead .

i often don't update my rentries . obviously i change the theme in them , but when it comes to things like my interests page and my url hoard and actually updating the content in them , i don't really change them , as my interests come and go very quickly , that's why tcoaal is still there . people will still be uncomfortable with me once being into it , which is fine , i can completely understand why someone wouldn't like the game or the fans of it .

tl dr ; i don't like tcoaal anymore , it's an old interest of mine that i just forgot to remove but I understand why people would be uncomfortable with me once liking it .

third : the urls

another part of the callout about me was relating to different urls i have , specifically relating to darkships and such .

i very rarely update my url hoard . as you can obviously tell with the old theme of kaveh , i very rarely touch that url hoard , not to mention , it is over a year old . all the urls relating to things like kaeluc and other darkships are all over a year old i believe , and were hoarded when i was a very bad person in very bad spaces ( radqueer community , shedtwt community , in a bad relationship , etc ) , i often used those types of ships at some attempt to cope with everything happening then . i honestly forgot they existed , and haven't touched them since the day they were taken . i dont really ship darkships anymore . obviously i should've paid more attention to my url hoard , and gotten rid of those urls . ive been meaning to go through my hoard for awhile and just haven't had the motivation to do it . that doesn't change the fact that i shouldn't have taken those urls in the first place , it was a bad decision i made a long time ago .

tldr ; i dont ship those ships anymore , the urls are very old and i just forgot i owned them , that however doesn't change i shouldn't have taken them in the first place .

fourth : the post

tw sh mentions

the final part of the post is a post i made saying i would hit a vein in front of someone bc they said i wasnt ivan ( alnst ) .

this was ridiculous for me to post , that much is obvious . i was just in a very bad mood , ive been in a very bad state of mind for a long time due to my stepdad and mother splitting up and friendship issues at school , which is why i posted that and why ive posted a lot of things that are upsetting recently . obviously that definitely does not excuse me posting that , especially not with tws only in the tags . it was an irresponsible thing for me to do , especially since i have a lot of mutuals and a lot of followers on my editing account and it could've easily reached a lot of people . i also just want to clarify the post was not directed at anyone on here , it had nothing to do with any of my mutuals or followers or anything , it was said because of something someone said to me on my insta .

the person who made the callout post stated i should go to a professional and seek help irl instead of going to tumblr and things along those lines , and I will say this : i have professional help . ive been in multiple types of therapy since i was about ten , i am also medicated and have a psychiatrist . however , i have not been able to see them frequently ( only about once a month ) due to the situation with my homelife and because money has gotten tighter recently , which has resulted in my health declining rapidly . i also don't really have a support system outside of my girlfriend and fps , so sometimes i post vents and rambles on tumblr in order to try and not vent to them too much as they all have their own lives , and i dont want to seem like im using them as therapists .

tl dr : it was irresponsible for me to post and i shouldn't have done it , and i also have professional help .

fifth : breaking dnis

my intention was to never break anyone's dni . i often do not check dni's , which is a mistake on my part and i should probably get into the habit of checking them more . i do not purposefully try to break dni's , it's just a simple mistake of me not checking them . i often just follow people i see when scrolling through tags and such without checking their profiles for a dni . our amnesia can also be very heavy , so it's not uncommon for us to simply forget certain peoples dni lists .

final statement :

i apologize for everything . it was never my intention to make any of my mutuals or followers upset . i don't expect forgiveness or anything like that , this is simply to clear everything up and make an attempt at explaining everything . i will update my rentries to remove the urls and such , and any vents or triggering posts i make will have both warning tags and a proper statement . i will also try my best to follow dnis from now on , please feel free to send me a message or an ask if i have broken your dni as well .

none of what im saying is an attempt to excuse any of my behavior , it is rather explanations . i mean none of this aggressively either . i take full accountability for any harm or discomfort i might've caused as well , and i apologize for anything i did that made people upset .

i also apologize if there's any typos or if anything is worded wrong , feel free to ask me for clarification on anything and feel free to send me a message or an ask to ask any questions you might have .

[ivantillceo]

rest in peace sua you would've loved perfect blue

[ivantillceo]

" the plural tags are for endos ! "

the plural tags are actually for everyone . including anti endos . yes , i think it's kinda hypocritical considering how plural is mostly used by endos , but " plural " does ... apply to traumagenic systems too . anti endo systems are still plural . those tags are for us just as much as they're for endos .

[ivantillceo]

hello everyone ! one final statement relating to the situation with me before i head off to bed ( going to sleep early tonight )

just wanted to say thank you to everyone for being very respectful and understanding 🫶🏻 i know a lot of my actions caused people distress and discomfort and im trying my best to handle this whole situation with care . a lot of my actions came from my own place of hurt and it means a lot that people are understanding of that .

my main statement is that i likely will be going on some sort of hiatus for a bit :-) ill likely still be reblogging stuff ( bc i cannot give up my alnst fanart . /silly ) , but i likely will not be doing any requests on my editblr account for awhile , or interacting with anyone ( especially not interacting with any discourse for awhile ) . requests and my inbox and such will stay open as always , but i likely will be stepping back from being active for a bit !

ive also discussed things with my mother and she's decided to try and get me on zyprexa in order to handle my delusions around being ivan , and also to manage my emotions better . it might be a little bit before this can happen though with everything going on with her and my stepdad . she's also scheduled more appointments for me with my therapist that ill be going to more often after the holiday season .

have a lovely day or night guys !! 🫶🏻🫶🏻

[ivantillceo]

why is everyone in syscourse so obsessed with punk ?? " endos are punk " " anti endos are punk " who gaf just listen to punk music and don't support the government and you're fine . can we instead start focusing on other subcultures like where are my jirai syscoursers or something .

[ivantillceo]

how the HELL do y'all deal with sore throats . i can deal with headaches and stomach aches and back pain but i REFUSE to deal with this shit oh my god lord save me

[ivantillceo]

question for oomfies .

do you guys get the maze runner things on your feed now because of how much i reblog .

[ivantillceo]

how would we all feel about a retheme .......

[ivantillceo]

sorry if it's not cool to ask but, while i imagine ivantill is your fav ship, who's your fav alnst character? i don't know many other fans besides like, my partner x]

OH EM GEE THANK YEW FOR ASKING THIS PLS I LOVE TALKING ABOUT ALNST 😭😭

okay so this is just gonna be a big yap session .

spoilers for alien stage below the cut

my favorite ship is absolutely ivantill , they are my everything ... but my favorite character is stuck between till and luka .

a lot of people don't like luka which is understandable considering a lot of his character is surrounded around his manipulative behavior , which is totally understandable ! luka distributes a lot of manipulative behaviors , and it's often seen as his tactic to win different rounds , such as using till's trauma and hallucinations against him in order to win ( pretty much ; he mirrored ivan's actions , which led to till getting triggered and messing up , which resulting in him losing points . )

however , i see myself a lot in luka , in some weird way . luka canonically has a lot of disabilities due to genetic modification i think , he has asthma and heart disease and chronic migraines , and it's implied that he has some sort of personality disorder ( either npd or aspd ) , due to the fact he also canonically has low - no empathy , and experiences self destructive behaviors , as confirmed in the art book .

" ... allowing anyone to approach him, he does not care if others are hurt in the process. He has no qualms about trampling on others to move forward, but no one knows for sure if that is really because of his evil nature. "

" ... Luka’s actions, which were self-destructive and also harmed others, revealed a pure child who at the same time seemed to prove the theory of innate evil, his existence could not be accepted only for his beauty. In the end, he believed that no one could understand him, and since even trying to be understood made no sense, he sank even more into his own world. "

the behaviors of him , the self destruction , the lack of care about his actions and the idea that nobody will understand him is something i see myself in a lot , which is why i actually enjoy his character a lot . he's written incredibly well , even if he's supposed to be an immoral character .

i also just tend to love characters that are appear to be angelic but are actually full of flaws and bad character traits . something about that trope , the irony of it , has also always spoken to me and always appealed to me .

now on to till :3

a lot of my love for till comes from my own media memories about being ivan . i love till for both who he is in canon , but also because of my own identity as ivan , if that makes any sense .

till in canon also has qualities that i see myself in a lot . his rebellious nature always made him a target for the abuse from his alien kidnappers , and that's something ive always seen in myself . he also has a lot of loyalty , specifically for mizi , going so far as to abandon his opportunity for freedom because of how much he loved her and because of how he didn't want to abandon her . he's described as the most shy and timid out of them all in a now deleted tweet by VIVINOS , but he also has a different side of him that is rebellious and he can flip his personality like a switch . it's something ive always found so fascinating about him :3

a lot of my love for till also comes from the fact that one of my fps id's till , so my fp and till kinda are rhe same person in my mind , which makes my love for him a lot stronger .

thank you for letting me ramble , i love when people ask about my interests , ir always makes me feel better /gen 🫶🏻🫶🏻

[ivantillceo]

how it feels knowing im going to get the most scrumptious geek bar on monday when i go back to school ( thank you random girl in my gym class for helping a brother out !!!!! )

[ivantillceo]

" ramcoa is just a conspiracy theory ! "

we do realize conspiracy theories can be ... true , right ? we do realize that sometimes conspiracy theories do end up actually being fact , correct ? saying it's a conspiracy theory doesn't mean it can't happen , saying it's a conspiracy theory doesn't exclude the fact that it's still something that's possible to happen .

[ivantillceo]

if you do go on hiatus, I hope you have a great one!! You’re genuinely one of the only ppl who handle controversy well. nn you’re very respectful! I hope you have a good day/night && I hope you get better ! :3

thank you 🫶🏻 !! I've decided to go on a semi hiatus i think ... ill still be doing some stuff on my editing blog but that's about it ... i appreciate the kind messages tho ! have a wonderful day or night 🫂

[ivantillceo]

might make a sideblog specifically for userboxes ....... hmmmmmm .....

[ivantillceo]

i have no idea why i had you blocked so im directly apologizing eight meow ❤️‍🩹 im very sorry

ur good !!! trust idm at all /g , im glad u blocked me when you felt it was needed