#���･ﾟﾟ･the lyrics are upbeat to distract you from how dead i feel inside･ﾟﾟ･｡

[my-thoughts-and-junk]

hate when i see a youtube video that's like 'analyzing why [thing] is bad!' and you watch the video and they just say nothing for twenty minutes

[thesefevereddays]

The Dream Won’t Come True

By Kathy Fagan

When we pull into the Sheetz station

on one of the first warm days of spring to gas up,

the ’80s ear bug “Sara,” loud over the speakers,

makes us glad to be alive. We’re ready to commit

to a rewards card because gas is cheap

and the song reminds us of being young,

which today means not yet

orphans and still surprisable. Inside are hundreds

of caffeinated drinks both hot and cold.

We’re fire and ice, goes the Starship song,

like the Frost poem, “Fire and Ice,” and both

are deadly serious in the same silly way.

Rebecca De Mornay starred as Sara in the music

video, and a woman appropriately less

hot as the singer’s mother, both lost

to him, despite the upbeat tempo.

More pop than the Jefferson Airplane of the ’70s,

the pedigree’s there, unlike Grace Slick’s clothing

that night at Gaelic Park when rain shorted

the amps out and stripping seemed to soothe

the crowd. It’s no good to go back

in time. My father-in-law, an old socialist,

met his buddies for coffee at his local Sheetz,

originally a small east coast franchise. People talk

of “good” or “peaceful” deaths as if they’ve seen one,

but it’s always looked like agony to me,

despite the morphine. And knowing at the end

of a hard life that shit gets even harder makes me

long for oblivion, the storm in Sara’s ice-blue

eyes, Grace Slick’s wet breasts. The candles

on the evergreens in spring, so named for their

brightness, their floating phosphorescent fires,

are cold to the touch. Some say the world will end

in fire,/Some say in ice. No time is a good time

for goodbyes. I’d once have asked, of poem and song,

Where do we go when we say goodbye?

Now, when we download the Sheetz app

and the Shell logo appears on our phones,

we feel the energy drain from our bodies.

What will we ever know?

We dream together below bright waves of distraction

like this poem, which I could end with Frost or fire,

song lyrics, dead dads, Sheetz or Shell. You choose.

Does it matter how it ends if it can’t end well.

[zombieratt]

Alright so forewarning this is LONG as FUCK specifically because i came up with this idea in early high school and was just today POSESSEd By the Spirit Of Musical Theatre to put it to paper— er Tumblr.

So without further ado:

DEAR EVAN HANSEN BUT EVAN ISNT A TERRIBLE PERSON AND CONNOR LIVES.

the beginning is the same, canon diverges just after waving through a window.

*this ended up getting written is script format? i also just sorta ignore alana’s whole exsistance bc in this version of the play she’s unnecessary*

In the moments before he talks to Connor evan decides to omit Zoe from his letter, having resolved himself to move on from her. (instead of being a hella creep.)

Connor: “dear Evan Hansen,” what are you writing letters to yourself? *he laughs*

Evan: its, uh, its for my therapist. its just a stupid little assignment that she says is supposed to help me process my feelings or— uh or something

Connor: hm. here. * hands Evan the letter*

Connor: your cast. no one’s signed it.

Evan: uh no. no one has.

Connor: gotta sharpie?

Evan: huh?

Connor: gotta sharpie? im gonna sign it.

Evan: *handing the sharpie to Connor* w- whuh uh why?

Connor: *shrugs* feels right.

Evan: i wish i could do that

Connor: what?

Evan: UH, IMEAN—

Connor: no wait- dude.

Evan: i mean uh, i meant that i wish i could just be, y’know impulsive like that.

Connor: Why Cant you be?

Evan: i uh, my heads pretty messed up, and stuff like that just, makes it worse i guess.

Connor: well theres some thing we have in common— were both fucked up in the head.

*the bell rings*

Evan: oh shoot! i missed the bus—

Connor: i’ll give you a ride.

Evan: are you sure i mean i can walk its not far-

Connor: all the more reason, i probably have to pass it on my way home anyway, cmon.

——

they meet Zoe in the parking lot

Zoe: I have Late practice today

Connor: whatever, gotta passenger.

Zoe: who the fuck would be crazy enough to trust your ability to drive?

Evan *being Brave*: Me Apparently?

Zoe: Uh, Evan Right?

Evan: yeah, uh, yeah.

Zoe *holding her hand out to be shaken*: i’m Zoe, we’ve met though right?

Evan wipes his hand on his shirt and shakes it: yeah, uh, nice to formally meet you, Zoe.

Zoe: i’m off, don’t kill him stoner.

Connor: i wont Princess

Evan breathing heavy: that was,, an eventful ten minutes.

Connor: oh fuck— you cool? or—

Evan: Panic Attack.

Connor: Right, uh

Connor: can you get in the car?

Evan: yeah

*car nonsense*

Connor: Can i start driving or do you want me to wait

Evan: Distractions are good,, Can Uh, Can you Talk about Stuff?

Connor: What stuff!??

Evan: any Stuff!

Connor: Is Zoe okay??

Evan: Sure?!

Connor: Uhh we don’t get along as well as we used to?

we were really close as kids, shes a huge asshole now but *fully venting now*

i kind of miss it you know? having someone to talk to and care about— and i still care about her— but its scary and i always fuck it up! not to mention the fact that our parents hate me— make her see me as some alien and not just a fucked up kid who wants to talk and — (more ranting that i dont feel like writing, but its a whole monologue bro)

Evan: Connor

Connor snaps his mouf shut: yeah

Evan: thanks

Connor: oh that, uh actually helped?

Evan: yeah focusing on your voice and whats real and stuff— it makes a difference.

Neither of them noticed that Connor was just sort of Driving. they end up at the park where in canon Connor commits Sewer-slide.

Evan: i didn’t know there was a park here.

Connor: huh, oh, yeah i guess i just sorta auto piloted, i come here to think.

Evan: About stuff?

Connor: Yeah, Stuff.

*the convo lulls*

Connor: do you have a laptop?

Evan: no, i uh, i left it at home? why?

Connor: give me a second

Connor walks to the car and grabs his back pack out of the back seat

Evan watches Quizzically from the swing-set

Connor pulls out a Sketch Pad and Pen, flipping to a clean page.

Connor: So tell me how to write one of those letters of yours.

Evan: uh, well you start like any other letter- just addressing it to yourself

Connor writing: Dear Connor Murphy,

Evan: and uh, my first one was supposed to be about my ideal summer vacation? since i started in middle school- but you don’t have to—

Connor: thats perfect.

Connor starts to sing for forever,

eventually Evan joins in there is a minor gay moment where they’re holding hands face to face.

the song ends with Connor hugging Evan.

Evan: its- its pretty late.

Connor obviously crying: just— just a couple more minutes.

Evan lets go and grabs Connors sketch book of the ground, closing it and handing it off to him: then how about this, labor day weekend- we actually go.

Connor: what are you talking about?

Evan: being spontaneous?

Connor: o-okay.

and it cuts to black.

theres a small montage here, as the set changes to Connor and Evans bedrooms

sincerely, me is a lament in this context, Connor and Evan are duetting from their respective rooms, writing to themselves.

(the lyrics are completely different and i will not be writing them here because thats too much fucking effort.

but they’re duetting from their bedrooms about making a connection to another person, feeling seen, for the first time. what it felt like and how they really want to keep it up but are afraid of making a mistake and ruining it.

its got some themes of waving thru a window, and a little bit of for forever, but its still largely the same notes just in a different key.)

after wards, Zoe knocks on Connors door to tell him dinner is ready to find him peacefully asleep.

requiem is the same, Zoe sees Connor as Dead to Her instead of actually dead, so some of the wording changes, so and so about how a monster doesn’t deserve peaceful rest etcetera.

school day happens, Connor doesn’t die, but the hot goss is that everyone saw Connor and Evan go home together after school, jared makes a shitty homophobic joke to Evan and Evan kind of tells him off about it. they argue and it culminates in Evan saying “well god forbid I’m friends with someone who isn’t YOU!” or smth like tht and it hits jared right the fuck at home man.

Connor says from the side lines: damn that was pretty hard core dude.

Evan: you have, no idea how long i’ve wanted to do that.

Connor honest to god l a u g h s, theres a number of people who hear it and lose their shit, Zoe being one of them: i have a pretty good idea, wanna get some lunch?

Evan: yeah, sure.

this general routine continues until labor day weekend, when they plan to go on their little escape. theres a short scene of Connor leaving the house with his keys and a backpack.

Connors mom confronts Zoe about his oddly upbeat attitude and hows he’s seemed differently lately Zoe Shrugs but decides to investigate his room.

she finds the letters. the first one is for forever, the theme plays as she reads it frantically, and is signed “Sincerely me (connor murphy)” so she knows its him, i f i could tell her begins but its a real duet between Connor and Zoe and at the end she resolves to try harder to connect to him.

Evan sings disappear to Connor after breaking into a formerly public park, in this context its him confessing that he broke his arm attempting su!c!de. Connor records it, for personal reference.

jared hacks Connors phone and steals the video, posting it to yt, in an effort to ruin their friendship.

Evan and Connor get in a little fight about it, and in the meantime Evan is called to the school to give an assembly because hes a phenomenal speaker and Disappear got like 1000000 views over night.

Zoe and Connor bond a little bit in a short scene before the assembly

Zoe: wheres Evan what happened?

Connor: Kleinman Did!

Zoe: what?

Connor: Why Do you care?

Zoe: because! you look happy around him!

Connor: i, i do?

Zoe: yeah? he could tell the worst joke ever written and you’d crack up. i haven’t heard you laugh like that in years Connor, maybe ever.

Connor: oh.

Zoe: Come back inside?

Connor: y, Yeah.

they all perform You Will Be Found together.

end act 1.

(no more dialogue from here i got tired)

to break in a glove is Connor’s dad trying to reconnect with him, it goes mediocrely, but Connor feels like hes being seen by his dad for the first time in years. its said in metaphors, but this is Connors dads way of saying that if Connor is willing to put in the work, so is he. they hug at the end, things are looking up. some talk of therapy is sprinkiled in the dialogue as they walk of stage together.

Only Us is Evan and Connor saying that they saved each other. its loosely romantic, as its a love song, but they don’t out right say that they’re in love or anything, they don’t know if theyre ready for that. its a promise. the song ends with Connor finally apologizing for pushing Evan over at the beginning of the show.

good for you is sung by jared only, as a power ballad, about losing people you didn’t treasure. its his attempt at an apology, but it ultimately fails, since jared is unable to take responsibility for his own actions. this is where jared and Evan go their separate ways.

Evan’s mom comforts him, as he sings words fail, which is about specifically jared, and how their rocky friendship is ruined and Evan pegs himself as the cause, instead of parents or perfect girl he uses metaphors that apply to best friends— maybe more. and talks about how he didn’t try, he was happy so he ignored that jared was hurting, and how that was really shitty of him. but instead of it being a generally somber song the end is lighter, because Connor is there— waving through his front window.

Evans mom sings So Big/So Small as Evan steps out the front door to embrace Connor and they mime talking about jared, hug and take hands. the house moves off stage in preparation for the finale.

Connor and Evan open the finale saying each others names, and sing it together as the test of the cast (minus jared) joins in, Evans mom taking his hand and Zoe Taking Connors, Evans mom the Murphys and Zoe break off to the back where Evan and Connor finish the final “all i see is sky for forever” while looking into each others eyes, and finish the musical by embracing (maybe kissing if thats ur jam).

[jiminglers-blog]

Double Meaning | Pt. 2

Pairing: 2Jae

Genre: Comedy, fluff (?)

Word Count: 2,635

Description: Jaebum and Youngjae are both suffering after the incident, and they only get more surprises. 

A/N: ...The tissues lol.

pt. 1 | pt. 2 | pt. 3 (coming soon!)

Jaebum is pretty awful at sports. He wakes up every morning resenting how terrible at sports he is. It wouldn't be that big of a deal, being a singer and all, but ever since his angel ran away and his awful sports ability rendered him helpless and unable to keep up, the fact taunted him.

“Youngjae why? Why did you run away from me? Did I not come on strong enough?! I'm sorry Youngjae! Come back to me please!” Jaebum shouted to no one in particular, maybe to the heavens, where Youngjae may be resting right now.

“Shut up!” Jaebum's roommate, Mark, yelled from the other room. Sick was the only word to use in his feeling towards Jaebum’s behavior. Mark was a quiet man, and this new found addiction of yelling Jaebum adopted in the last week was annoying at least, driving Mark to the brink of insanity at most. No matter how dead inside Mark was these past seven days, he was also lowkey pleased. Jaebum always wrote the best songs when he was depressed, and Mark used these lyrics as his music partner to create magnificent works of art that allowed the two of them to excel in the music world recently.

Jaebum pouted (chicly), and continued to yell, at Mark this time. “Let me mourn in peace dammit!”

“Mourn? He isn't dead he just ran away!”

“Our potential relationship is dead! And that is something worthy of mourning over.”

Jaebum stared out the window looking at the stars that reminded him so much of the angel the slipped through his fingers. A lone tear fell, followed by many more tears….and loud sobbing. Mark walked into the room to see what was going on.

“Why are you staring at a blank wall?” He stared, feeling disturbed at his broken friend’s mannerisms. He needed to do something.

Jaebum didn’t notice Mark poking his head through the doorway, he was blinded by his own tears. Yelling, sobbing, and...other things, were the only things Jaebum could possibly do ever since he met Youngjae. Jaebum became rather irritated at the memory of the angel. All he wanted to do was talk to him one more time, possibly learn about his magical life, perhaps share a kiss under the moonlight, perhaps continue the moment with something more of which Jaebum had only dreamed for so long-!

But no. Youngjae ran. “Beauty is forever fleeing,” Jaebum thought he heard that somewhere to justify the pain. He made it up, however, because he is not fond of remembering random quotes. “Seriously, who does that?” Anyways, Jaebum continued to sob, continued to wallow of self pity of losing the light of his life, his one true connection to a higher being. Oh, how he loved to think in similes and metaphors when he was depressed.

The deafening noise coming out of Jaebum’s mouth droned on, but Mark ignored it (to the best of his abilities) as he looked up the name of this Youngjae fellow on google. It took an accumulative time of two seconds to find him and his studio. “That idiot,” Mark thought as he printed directions to the studio. “Hopefully this works. I’m sick of his whining.” Mark walked back into Jaebum’s poor excuse of a bedroom, the floors were covered with tissues, and Mark didn’t know whether it was tears or...other forms of mourning, and he didn’t really want to ask.

“Hey Jaebum, can you go to this address and pick something up for me?”

Jaebum, who was still crying at the wall, turned to face Mark. He wiped away his tears and instantly became his normal, suave self, all signs of crying instantly gone. “How does he do that?” Mark wondered as Jaebum walked towards him in the hallway.

Jaebum cleared his throat to sound as if the love of his life didn’t just tease him with his presence and instantly run off, showing off his angelic abilities that Jaebum had no chance of competing with. “Uh, yeah sure.” He grabbed the papers nonchalantly, not caring to check the name of the place he was about to head to.

Mark waved him goodbye, smiling at the fact he could finally get some goddamn peace and quiet for once. Jaebum then went on his way, attempting to keep his suave facade. He couldn’t really do so, however, for people don’t exactly look cool when they have a paper two inches in front of their face in an attempt to read the directions. Another attempt at looking cool, not wearing glasses, was in theory a bad idea. “This place is kinda far away, what the hell does Mark need?” Jaebum looked up, noticing he arrived. “Where am I,” he pondered. Jaebum was completely lost (and blind), despite being told he was at the right place on the paper. That was until his angel saved him once again.

The directions now at his side, he was graced by a flying sheet that blew right into his face and refused to leave. “Ouch, what the fu-” He pulled the paper two inches away into his view and instantly lost his breath. It felt as if his eyes had deceived him. “Y-youngjae...is that you?” Observing the flyer for a show on Saturday, he found the beautiful smile of the one he loved so dearly... Jaebum held the flyer close to him. “It’s really you! Oh, you look better than ever! You smell great too!” Jaebum proceeded to sniff the paper, which did not smell like Youngjae at all, in fact, but he was not one to insult his angelic being. Minutes of Jaebum admiring the one he lost passed, and finally Jaebum’s grandpa-eyes noticed the name of the label that Youngjae belonged to. “It looks familiar…” Jaebum slowly shifted his eyes from the paper up to the building he was currently standing in front of. He could barely make out the words, but the blurs were indeed close enough to what the flyer said. “This couldn’t be a coincidence,” Jaebum thought as he simultaneous thanked Mark with a thumbs up to the sky. He had no choice, even Mark was an angel in disguise! An angel who truly did the god’s work.

Jaebum couldn’t stop himself from walking into the studio. It was a new beginning for him and his soulmate, and this time he wouldn’t let him run away.

Youngjae sat in his studio, dealing with his 10 o’clock stress-writing session alongside his partner. Jackson, his partner in crime, or music making, looked at him pitifully for a moment before averting his gaze, attempting to continue writing lyrics of his own. The stress-writing session was a new addition to their already busy schedule, but Jackson felt it was something he could grant his partner after he ran into the studio one day in a heaving, panting mess- and not in the mess that one would be in the bedroom as much as when you ran away from a murder scene.

Jackson thought about how Youngjae had changed ever since the incident. Youngjae refused to go into details about it (even though Jackson basically saved his life that day, Youngjae’s words, not his), but he did say that a guy with weird vibes started flirting with him to the point where he ran away. Jackson didn’t take him seriously that day. He kept asking Youngjae whether he was cute as well as making fun of him for over-reacting. But now, three songs about stalkers, not being interested and feeling unsafe later, Jackson realized that Youngjae was quite affected...and also is really good at suspenseful lyric writing. All of Jackson’s thoughts about Youngjae distracted him from writing his upbeat masterpiece, so he decided to let Youngjae stress-write by himself for a moment.

“Uh, I need to go to the lobby and get something,” Jackson said awkwardly and he stood up and stretched. Youngjae continues to scribble furiously, tongue sticking out in concentration. His silence Jackson took as acknowledgement as he stepped out the room.

Youngjae sighed in relief at Jackson’s disappearance. “Finally I can take a break! It’s been so long since I had the place to myself.” He knew Jackson would only be out for a moment, but he was going to cherish this time and chill out. Jackson refused to leave Youngjae alone, for good reason of course. Who knows what a traumatized Youngjae might attempt- although the most he  thought about was taking a trip to Japan to chill out and reside in an internet cafe for a week or something, nothing overly-dramatic, that’s not “Youngjae style.”“A week has passed already,” Youngjae thought as he too got up and stretched his body. A week was probably way too long to be dwelling on the situation at the cafe that day, but Youngjae just couldn’t shake the vivid image of Jaebum winking at him and talking in tones that shook Youngjae to the core. It was terrifying the effect Jaebum had on him. “He...just…won’t...leave...my...brain!” Youngjae hit himself repeatedly on the head, trying to forget the stalker he hated so much. He failed to realize however, that Jaebum wasn’t stalker; he hadn’t tried to find Youngjae this entire time.

He was thinking too much again. It was a new habit he developed. But he always thought of Jaebum, nothing- no one else. Maybe in the back of his mind he found Jaebum cute, maybe he felt uncomfortable for no other reason than not ever having come across an attractive person taking interest in him. Maybe- “Nope! He’s a creep! Case closed.” Youngjae looked out the window after lashing out at himself (he liked to believe he was secretly made of two completely different people that bickered all of the time), to attempt to clear his mind. Nothing cleared his mind more than people watching...until then. He spotted some usual business people in their suits, the occasional person on a bike, but then, he looked down right in front of the studio.

“Am I hallucinating?” Youngjae asked as his eyes widened to unimaginable sizes. There he was. Jaebum. The stalker (man), the myth, the legend! Youngjae’s “he’s a stalker I swear” side of him felt justified and panicked at the same time. There was another feeling mixed in there as well, but it was shadowed mostly by the panic. “Stay calm, stay calm,” Youngjae took deep breaths as he kept his gaze on the well dressed man standing in front of the building. He wasn’t moving at all, and he kept a white piece a paper glued to his face. Youngjae couldn’t help but chuckle at how ridiculous he looked. Suddenly Jaebum took the piece of paper away from his face and looked up at the building. Youngjae gasped. “Does he know I’m here?!” More panic flooded through him. If there was ever too much of something in Youngjae’s life, it was panic right now. It affected him in weird ways. Hallucinations, maybe?

Youngjae never took his sight off of Jaebum as Jaebum looked back down and scanned what looked to be the street in front of him. Something told Youngjae that Jaebum looked confused. He noticed how Jaebum’s head whipped from side to side as if he didn’t know where he was. But soon enough he was back to being still, the only thing moving was his jacket waving in the wind. That same wind blew a bright sheet of paper right into Jaebum’s face. Youngjae would’ve laughed, but this was no laughing matter. Those bright colors could only be from one flyer: his. He prayed that the flyer would keep flying away, away from Jaebum’s reach, but unfortunately Jaebum grabbed the paper and looked at it manically for what seemed to be minutes.

Youngjae already knew that Jaebum was a weird dude, but what he saw only proved to him more that he indeed was insane as well. It started with that smile, that peculiar smile. The smile that only the devil, and some rude ten year olds in his apartment complex, could reproduce. Then the smile began to move, and Jaebum began talking. This would have been normal had there been someone there to talk with him, but the people Youngjae saw moments ago were nowhere in sight. Jaebum could only be talking to the Youngjae on the flyer (Jackson was also on the flyer, but Jaebum would never look at Jackson, Youngjae was sure). Youngjae continued to stare, now with a trouble looked on his features. He kept moving his mouth a few more seconds before he began to sniff the flyer. He really just sniffed it! Youngjae started feeling lightheaded, but he needed to see Jaebum go, he needed to know that this was all a coincidence and Jaebum was about to leave any minute now. What a mistake that was.

Vision going in and out of focus, Youngjae was determined to keep watching this strange event. Jaebum’s shoulders dropped, telling Youngjae that he exhaled the smell of the flyer. “This has to be it! Please go away I beg of you!” Jaebum was not done. Just as Youngjae had his tongue out before, Jaebum poked his pink little tip of his tongue out as well. Then unsurprisingly he released his entire tongue and placed it on the flyer, staying still for a moment before swiping it along the entirety of the flyer. Youngjae fell to the floor. Eyes shut, he let the silence consume him for a second before his obnoxiously loud thoughts came back. It was a moment of peace, but racing thoughts caught up to him and he curled into a ball.

“Why is he here? What does he want from me? He must’ve known I was here, there’s no other explanation! Who licks a flyer? Maybe I’m seeing things?” Too many questions at once and Youngjae couldn’t take it. And as if on queue his cell phone began to ring. Youngjae was so messed up at the moment that everything seemed like a horror movie. He got up from the ball he was curled up in and reached for his phone. It was Jackson.

“Hello?” Youngjae asked, feeling dizzy still.

“Hey come down, we have a visitor.”

Youngjae didn’t like the sound of Jackson’s voice in that moment. It felt like Jackson was in association with the murderer and Youngjae was the unsuspecting target. He knew there was only one person that visitor could be- the murderer (Youngjae began to convince himself Jaebum was a legitimate murderer now as well).

“Do I have to?” Youngjae tried his best to sound as if he didn’t just have a mini-mental breakdown.

“Y-yes of course! It’s someone you’ve been wanting to meet for forever!” Jackson sounded excited and Youngjae began to feel slightly normal again. “Someone I’ve been wanting to meet? So it’s not...Jaebum?”

“Fine, give me a minute.” Racing down the stairs, Youngjae needed to meet this person. He needed to get away from the trauma of the events of a few minutes ago. He needed a distraction.

Just a few more steps until he’s at the lobby and he can already see Jackson’s silhouette. Inching closer and closer until Jackson hears him and turns around, Youngjae freezes and mentally curses himself for thinking it could be anyone else.

Jackson smiles a huge smile and cheerfully introduces him.

He smiles and it takes a lot of might for Youngjae not to dissolve at this very moment. He wants to leave, but he’s in too deep. It’s gone too far.

“Hi, Youngjae.”

As if his life couldn’t get any worse.

“Hello, Jaebum.”

It seems as though this time, Youngjae won’t be able to run away...but that doesn’t mean he won’t try.