#《 ѕσ υи¢ινιℓιѕє∂. || content warning || toxic relationship 》

[thelambsofiscariot]

💘 - What is your muse like in ships (Gradeus? Because Gradeus and Tao is... a weird ship... but I dunno I'm starting to ship it)

[ A shipping meme for muse told by the mun // Gradeus in general and Tao + Gradeus ]

💘 - What is your muse like in ships

I’m laughing because this was sent in just when I was thinking about the fact that Tao and Gradeus really need to break but… but anyway here we go.

Tags @techtao for this because literally it makes no sense otherwise… also you can track all of Gradeus’ serial killer AU (the one where he gets with Tao) under {Hell’s Bloodied Rage || verse || ain’t no rest for the wicked… til’ we close our eyes for good} .

Long tag, I know, but it’s relevant.

Warning for: mild sexism + misogyny (on Gradeus’ part not mine), some mentions of abuse, please check my tags for the content warnings you can filter out on this blog in general.

Gradeus in a relationship is ordinarily cold. He’s never cared very much for any girl he’s dated. He sees them as — well, not necessarily below him, but inferior? in some ways to him. He has never thought girls in general are all that intelligent, or strong, or even attractive (his favourite thought to go to is “man, that bitch thinks she’s so pretty but she’s so stupid lol”). He’s had girlfriends, he’s had sex with them, he’s pretended that he likes them and that he’s interested in them… and he’s very good at faking it. But he will never tell the girl “let’s meet up” or “Let’s do something together” on his own initiative. Aaaaat this point in time, he sees all that as a waste of money for a fruitless experimentation. He only ever really dated them because he was either approached and went “whatever, I’ll indulge this bitch” or he figured he can get something from them… either through appearing in public with her (so typical it looks good to have a girlfriend) or through some sort of payment, like the promise of a job through a friend or something? Nothing as blatant as “give me money” because he views that as classless and beneath him.

So, like, Tao. Tao’s different because first of all, Tao’s a genius. There’s the intelligence problem solved right there. And Gradeus has always had these weird thoughts towards girls in particular, so Tao being a guy… also takes that out of the picture. (Tbf, Gradeus might treat a smart or strong girl as an equal after some time of learning that she’s not the ‘same as other girls’… cheesy, I know, but it’s an important process for him.) Gradeus sees Tao entirely as an equal, except in age, which is where it gets complicated — Gradeus has always had rules centred around age. He won’t kill anyone who is considered a child, since he considers that ripping their lives away from them unjustifiably. He has his own ideas of it kids needing to be respected and cared for, and being given wiggle room in certain situations and matters because they’re just not mature yet. And Tao might be slightly past that line, but he’s still barely just. Gradeus knows he’s still very young.

Gradeus treats Tao as an equal in most situations. He knows that Tao knows what sex is and how to have it safely, so that’s entirely a mutual thing. Matters of schooling, Tao’s definitely superior. He fully respects most of Tao’s decisions, although sometimes if Tao attempts things that should definitely not be done at his age (eg. illegal things such as drinking, smoking) he’ll just be like “no, not in my sight like srsly not at all but not like I can stop you when I don’t see you??” He doesn’t try to have any extreme control over Tao’s life, either.

He respects Tao as his boyfriend and values very much what they have, really. Like, legitimately — there is no one he’s ever cared about so much in his life. Family are family, and he does have only superficial connections to them. for example, he’s never really felt true affection for his mother even if he gives her kisses and hugs. He knows that she’s his mother, he shows the affection that’s necessary, and then most of the time just goes “ugh, stupid woman” and just has no qualms saying something horrible or careless about her. Not to her face, and not to anyone who’s going to make his life hard with that info, but he has those thoughts… and no trouble at all having them.

So Tao is his first real emotional connection, which he just doesn’t understand how to deal with for the longest time because… he murders people, he has no emotional connection — except to Ignes and to Chrys, who are his best friends — but Tao is different, because he’s never been with anyone in a “relationship” before and actually cared about them in that sense. He stops killing for Tao, because Tao ‘doesn’t like it’ (in the simplest way put). He sets a lot of time aside for Tao, tries to pay attention to what Tao says and what he needs, and .

The issue is, Gradeus has mad issues. He’s not a cold and ruthless killer for nothing. He tried, previously, to keep his two lives (the life of killing and his ordinary social life) separate. But he tried to kill Tao, and just happened failed, and that’s where the line is blurred with one person: Tao. Actually blurring that line made it possible for Gradeus to know that Tao’s seen him like that, and still cares about him — and that’s a big part of why he loves Tao. Because Tao has seen that side of him, and for some stupid reason, comes back and stays with Gradeus. That’s part of what makes it possible for him to reciprocate the feelings. The girls that had liked him didn’t know him for who and what he was, and he looked down on them and laughed at them for it.

Then there’s Tao, who just manages to push his way into Gradeus’ life. Into both of his lives, and still wants to be with Gradeus. Gradeus is just… shaken by this thought, but once he gets used to Tao in his life, he makes a lot of room and changes so many things for Tao. He’s willing to make Tao his top priority — will hurt someone badly for Tao, if Tao needs him to or if he needs to protect Tao. He tries to remember everything Tao tells him, writes down Tao’s birthday and his favourite foods and the movies he likes, just everything. Because really, this is the only relationship he’ll ever get in and be invested in, he’s going all out and he’s going to do his best like he’s never done before.

But back to the problem with blurring his lives: it means the parts of the cold, ruthless killer from his other side comes creeping in. Mixing his lives up is a good thing and a bad thing; it means that Gradeus has some sense that their relationship is valid, and that he’s able to open up, but it also means that he ends up hurting Tao. Because in order to keep the boundaries of his life apart, he made 100% sure that those girls he’d been with before never even had a chance to see the real him. Tao, however, is not so safe from that.

Gradeus gets too comfortable with the first and last person that he loves. He ends up hurting Tao, physically and verbally. And no matter how much he loves Tao and treat him better, it happens again and again. And Gradeus knows 100% in the end that he can’t be with Tao. The first time he really hurts Tao physically, even just briefly, all at once he tries to deny it and to believe that it was a one-time thing, yet he hears that voice in the back of his head telling him that he’s going to it again, he knows he will because he is just that kind of person.

Nevertheless, they weather it out for a while longer. Their dynamic does probably slowly shift. The moment Gradeus moved to establish his dominance in an unhealthy way, even in the smallest of ways, it clearly affects them both. What he’s doing is changing Tao in worse ways, as much as he would like to deny it. He can excuse the small slip-ups, the mild or moderate things that were just the result of a “bad day” or a “bad mood.” It’s easy to say that it was a minor occurrence, and that he’ll change. He’ll be better.

He doesn’t get better. He doesn’t get better, and it’s when Tao is nearly dead at his hands that he’s man enough to take Tao’s copy of the key and to throw it away, and to entirely cut Tao out of his life.

It just wasn’t meant to be. Tao is a normal kid who deserves to have a happy and ordinary life with someone who will treat him well, and someone who won’t hurt him like Gradeus will. Gradeus should’ve known from the start that someone like him isn’t for Tao, whom he sees as something precious and (if he wants to cheesy) full of life. Being with Gradeus is something that’s going to just drain Tao of that life, whether metaphorically or physically. And Gradeus… is not willing to be the one to do that to Tao. He will be the one to break up with Tao. He cares about Tao that much, at least. The day he breaks up with Tao is the first time he cries since he was a child, out of emotions. He’s never had a reason to feel bad about anything or anyone. He just didn’t think he had the capacity. And really, he doesn’t. It’s just — Tao. Tao did something weird to him.

After that, life just changes entirely. He thinks that he’s free of Tao, so he can go back to how he was before. Killing people, getting some kind of pleasure out of it, at least he can have that back… but wrong. It just feels like nothing. In fact, he feels worse. It’s weird, and something he can’t deal with because that’s how he used to let out that other side of him. That’s how he used to relieve stress, and frustration, and anger. So why the hell won’t it work now? Did Tao ruin that life of his, too?

So he throws everything into school and work. He needs to finish his master’s programme, so he focuses on that and increases his work hours even longer. Goals are good, because they keep him fairly grounded. Those two things he makes the focus of his life, slowly cutting off the other people who mattered to him. It’s just weird without Tao. Tao definitely did something to him, something that he can’t explain. And when he’s done with his master’s, there work to keep him anchored… for a while.

He moves on with his life, becoming an architectural manager, moving out into his own home away to another city and trying to move up in his work. Still, something’s wrong.

Then he probably runs into Tao again at some talk, because of course Tao is grown up and big out there in the world of technologies and sciences. He makes the mistake of attending one of the talks, and seeing Tao as an adult. Seeing what he missed out on because he ruined it. Tao may or may not have seen him come and force himself to see the whole thing through. But he doesn’t stick around to find out.

Whatever seeing Tao has triggered in his brain, it’s not a good time. Within some months, Gradeus has made up his mind to go out with a bang. He’s seen all that the world has to offer him, so it’s time to go back to his roots and end it the way that he knows it should. Because Tao has ruined his entire fucking life, showing him what he can’t have and destroying what he did have. Gradeus could’ve had a quiet life, a peaceful one.

Another string of murders start, ten years after the first. He’s inviting the authorities, personally, to come after him this time. Whether or not they can take him up on the offer, whether or not they can find him… that’s a question.

But he’s planning to go out and to leave a legacy behind. One written in a trail of blood.

… okay but seriously I so hate the fact that I ever sent in abusive meme asks @ tao because ugh I literally hate it I never wanted their relationship to go south this way, and they had such cute nice little threads at times, but UGH it’s impossible to not admit that Gradeus is an evil little thing… if I want to properly carry over canon elements of him, then he must be this way, it feels the right way to portray him and any relationship. I freakin’ love the ship a lot but it’s going to die, one way or the other, in the plotline and this… is the best way I see la ug hs  literally if I could give Gradeus a happy ending I would bUT  LITERALLY I CAN’T ROMANTICISE A SERIAL KILLER PIECE OF SHIT CHILD NO MATTER HOW CUTE I THOUGHT HE WAS IN HIS GOOD MOMENTS LIKE FUCK

HE’S A SERIAL KILLER  HE OBJECTIFIES (nonsexually ok let’s not) AND HATES WOMEN

HE ABUSES HIS BOYFRIEND EVEN IF HE AND I LIKE TO SAY “HE DOESN’T WANT TO AND HE’S SELF AWARE AND TRIES TO CHANGE” LITERALLY HE’S ABUSIVE

HE SHOULD DIE F UC K 

ALSO IT’S A GOOD CONNECTION TO HIS VERSE TAG  BC LITERALLY THERE’S NO REST FOR HIM UNTIL HE DIES AND CLOSES HIS EYES FOR GOOD AND GOES TO FUCKING HELL

[thelambsofiscariot]

❀ rev???

[ Aggressive Symbol Meme // tao & gradeus ]

❀ - to grab my muse by the jaw and force them to meet your muse’s gaze (+ reverse)

『  GRADEUS HATED BEING IGNORED.  』 It wasn’t a new thing, had never been. When he was talking to someone, he wanted them to look him in the eye and to give him cues that they were, at least, paying attention. It was the way it was at the office, with anyone else in his life, and it certainly should be the same with even Tao. He tried to be attentive towards others, so why the hell shouldn’t it be reciprocated with him?

He’d tried to deal with it, for the first few minutes. He had said something to Tao, asking about what Tao wanted to eat later… only to be run over by excited yammering of something entirely unrelated. But that was Tao, and Gradeus knew how easily Tao could get carried away… he was patient. So Gradeus waited.

Only to finally pipe up, during a brief lull in the conversation — only to be talked over again. By the same fucking topic. And damn it, he had had enough.

Tao’s jaw was in his grip before he knew it, his fingers grabbing the younger man’s lower face tightly. The surprise that leapt to Tao’s expression only served to anger him further; he tightened his hold on Tao’s jaw, a growl of ❝ Shut up and LOOK at me when I’m talking to you! ❞ escaping before he could think twice about saying it.   

Something that looked like fear lit up Tao’s face. A look that he was so used to seeing on another’s face that he paused, for just a moment, to blink at it.

… And just like that, his anger completely deflated, as if all the frustration and stress had just vanished. Gradeus blinked again, mild confusion giving way to understanding, and then he loosened his grip on Tao’s jaw, interest entirely lost. Then he looked at Tao again, and —

❝ … ❞

 … he had laid a hand on Tao. Like that.

The sudden lurch in his stomach was enough to have him frozen on the spot, chest tightening and heart racing in his chest. Fuck… he felt sick. Gradeus finally mustered the awareness to manage to let go of Tao and to back off.

❝ Sorry, ❞  he was able to choke out at last,  ❝ That… hurt, right? I’m — I’m really sorry. ❞

Gradeus knew the signs of trouble when he saw it. He may have been able to do far worse to people, until the right circumstances. But hurting someone you cared about… this. This was always what they talked about in those lectures on ❛toxic relationships❜ and ❛abuse.❜ It was painful to even those terms to what… to what he and Tao had.

But, still. Still, this was just once. He could be careful from now on; he could hold himself back if there was ever the threat of something like this happening again. He reached up to push back his bangs, letting out a shaky, unsteady sigh. He dared to glance back down at Tao, even if he didn’t want to see the look that might be on Tao’s face. He should apologise. Again. It wasn’t just a ❛sorry and be done with it❜ thing. But then, again, maybe talking about it… would make it worse. Aggravate an issue that wasn’t necessarily there, when he had just been angry and toed the line once…

(But he knew it was there. Gradeus wasn’t stupid. He saw the warning as clear as day, if he would admit to it, and the most important thing was that he wasn’t sure if he would end up doing it again. If he wouldn’t do it to Tao again.)

❝ Tao, does it hurt? ❞  Instead, he opted for something a little safer, inching closer to Tao to take a closer look at the spot where Gradeus had grabbed him.  ❝ I’ll hurry up and get you something for it. ❞