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vanderlinde-moved · 7 years ago

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a bitter truth (part six)

Cassian and Jyn are reunited, but healing is more difficult than either imagined.

part one / part two / part three / part four / part five

read it on ao3!

The three of them–him, Kes, and Jyn–are easily the loudest people in the medical bay right now.

“So,” Kes drawls, leaning back ever so slightly in his chair, “you couldn’t have mentioned, you know, maybe once that you were Jyn Erso? I mean, yes, I realize that we were in a Star Destroyer, but–”

Cassian sends a furtive glance toward the curtains dividing them. A nurse had come in a few minutes ago to tell them to quiet down, and Jyn and Kes had not-so-subtely given each other a fist bump before the nurse had even left. At this rate, he knows, someone should be coming in again in about five minutes.

“When would I have told you?” Jyn asks outrageously, but Cassian can see a hint of a smirk curling up at the corners of her mouth. Kes and Jyn have only known each other for about three days but the banter between them already flows easily. “I was passed out for half of the time! And did you have to tell the nurse that?”

“Force–” Kes puts his head in his hands mock-horror, but his shoulders shake with hidden laughter. “I carried Jyn kriffing Erso through a kriffing Star Destroyer.”

“Yeah, and you’re a snitch, Kes Dameron,” Jyn fires back, crossing her arms across her chest. “I could have been out of here days ago.”

Cassian hides a smile as he wipes a hand over his face. Since he got back from Dantooine, Jyn hasn’t done much except sleep (though not for lack of trying to stay awake). To see her up and arguing with one of his closest friends makes him. . .something he hasn’t felt in long, long time.

(happiness. he thinks it might be happiness.)

“She read my report! What was I supposed to do, lie?”

“Yes!”

Cassian interrupts, grinning slightly, “You wouldn’t have gotten very far looking like that, Jyn.”

“Looking like– ”

Kes leans over from where he’s sitting next to Jyn’s bed to give Cassian a high five. After Cassian had gotten out of bacta a day ago, he hadn’t let the nurse put him anywhere else except at Jyn’s side.

“You see, Erso? Cassian’s on my side,” Kes says smugly, crossing his arms and looking back over at her.

Jyn rolls her eyes. “Oh kriff off, both of you.”

“Hey, show some respect to your commanding officer!”

“I,” she responds smartly, “am not technically a part of the Rebellion, Kes Dameron.”

The offhandedness of her tone would make him think that she doesn’t care, but once glance at her face tells him otherwise. Jyn’s conflicted. Cassian knows that Mothma approached her before he got here with an offer, so either she hasn’t decided or she’s turned Mothma down.

He’s willing to bet on the former, considering how her eyes dart around the room before landing on him. He keeps his face blank; he doesn’t want to influence her decision, even if a selfish part of him wants her to stay within arm’s reach as much as possible.

(is it really so wrong to not want to be alone anymore? to have someone else to share the burden with, who understands exactly what you’re going through? )

The two of them lock eyes, but it’s Jyn who breaks away first. She flushes and turns from him, fiddling with a loose thread on her blanket. Kes seems to notice something’s amiss–Cassian’s sure he’ll ask about it later–and cracks a joke to ease the tension.

“‘I am not technically part of the Rebellion, sir,’” he corrects her with a roguish grin. Jyn reaches out to smack him, but he scoots his chair closer to Cassian’s bed, just out of her reach.

“Just you wait, Dameron,” she threatens instead, leveling Kes with a glare. He doesn’t look intimidated in the slightest. “You are going to regret saying that bantha-shit.”

“Really?” Kes smirks, standing up and crossing his arms. Jyn narrows her eyes, wrenching her neck back to meet his gaze. “You can’t even leave your bed.”

“Watch me,” she responds hotly, then before Cassian can even open his mouth to stop her, she’s swinging her legs over the side of her bed and hoisting herself to his feet. She stands, albeit shakily, and even though Kes is more than a couple inches taller than her, he shrinks back slightly in surprise.

“Jyn,” Cassian says with exasperated fondness and a bit of worry, “please sit down before your knees give out.”

“They’re not going to give out,” she retorts boldly, which is a brave statement from someone who’s legs are quivering so badly she has to grip the bedpost to stay upright.

Kes and Jyn stare at each other for a moment longer before Jyn sinks back down onto her bed. Cassian sighs in relief–he would have gotten up, if needed, but his hip isn’t fully recovered from his stint on Dantooine and he, like Jyn, wants to get out of here as soon as possible.

“Thank you,” he says, resisting the urge to pinch the bridge of his nose.

Kes, like always, has to have the last word. “What did I tell you, Erso?”

Before Jyn can respond, Cassian interrupts with a sly smile, “Listen, a fight between the two of you right now wouldn’t be fair.”

“I can take him any day–”

He holds up a finger to cut her off. “Because,” he says slowly, “for it to be really fair, Jyn would need to have an arm behind her back.”

As Kes splutters out a protest, Jyn's grin splits her face. Cassian mirrors it, leaning back against his pillows and shooting her a thumbs-up.

(he likes her smile. he thinks this is the first time he’s seen her really, truly smiling.)

Healing is hard. They both know that.

And yet, here they are, both ignoring that fact.

“You make it look so easy,” Jyn complains, leaning heavily against the wall as she watches Cassian limp back and forth barely using the bars for balance. He’s not on crutches like she is. Instead, almost his entire leg is wrapped in a medical brace. Sweat beads across her forehead and her bangs stick to her face, but she makes no move to wipe it away. “It’s not fair. You’re–you’re cheating. Somehow .”

That makes him smile and duck his head to hide the redness on his cheeks. Happiness looks good on him, she decides. “You can’t cheat at physical therapy,” he chuckles, stopping to run a hand through his hair. “Besides, I wasn’t–” he falters, closes his mouth.

She knows that as a spy, he doesn’t slip up easily. She decides to take pity on him, a wry smile curling up at her lips, “Tortured? You can say it, Cassian. It’s fine.”

The nurse watching the two of them gives an alarmed squeak, before slapping her hand over her mouth and acting as if she hadn’t heard anything. Jyn and Cassian share a look before he turns to the woman. He doesn’t even have to say anything, just gives a small jerk of his head before she’s out the door and they’re left alone.

“It’s really not, Jyn,” Cassian breaks the silence. “You were on that Star Destroyer for what? A month? It’s okay if you’re not fine.”

“I’ve been tortured before,” she nearly snaps, trying and failing to make her tone light. “It’s nothing I haven’t experienced. I’m fine.”

Cassian’s eyes are sad when he looks at her. She turns away, not wanting his pity. Since when has she allowed herself to be so weak? So incredibly vulnerable?

Saw, she thinks grimly, must be rolling his grave right now.

“You can't just brush this off and say you're fine,” he responds, but Jyn chooses not to answer and looks away, biting her lip. It’s not–they both know it’s not. Too bad she’s too prideful to admit it to him.

“You need to let yourself heal,” he tries again, his voice firm but gentle. “There are so many people here who would help you if you just asked– ”

“Oh, like you’ve let yourself heal?” she sneers, crossing her arms over her chest. At his look of confusion, she elaborates. “Don’t think I haven’t noticed the dark circles underneath your eyes or the way you flinch at every loud noise, Captain.”

It’s a low blow, and she knows it, but Cassian, kind and sympathetic Cassian, doesn’t rise to her bait. Instead, he murmurs, “You’re not going to be able to keep this up much longer. You don’t have to be alone anymore.”

That’s all I know how to be, she wants to scream at him but a bitter laugh works its way out of her throat instead. She meets his gaze and adds softly, “I just need to get my strength back. Once I do that, I’ll be fine. I can keep fighting.”

When he looks at her again, she has to fight to meet his gaze. His eyes are so, so sad–a complete opposite of how he had looked before she had brought up her imprisonment. “There’s more to life than just fighting, Jyn.”

Her mouth almost drops at the pure hypocrisy coming out of his mouth. She remembers how he had snapped at her on Eadu, only a couple weeks ago. I’ve been in this fight since I was six years old.

(she’s been in this fight since she was eight years old.)

“Really?” Jyn replies hotly, narrowing his brows. “Maybe try telling me that again once you start believing it yourself.”

“Jyn–”

“I’m done,” she announces to no one in particular. “I’m done for the day.”

With that, she turns on her heel and leaves, not looking back. She doesn’t want to see the way Cassian looks at her. She doesn’t think her heart can stand it.

Cassian is released from the medical bay the next day. He goes to say goodbye to Jyn before he reports to Draven, but she’s rolled over on her side, not facing him.

The nurses shush him, saying that she’s sleeping. Cassian knows that she isn’t. Still, with one last look behind him, he leaves her alone.

(what he doesn’t know is how tightly her fists are clenched underneath the sheets. when he leaves, she opens her hands.

the white sheets are stained red. saw would be ashamed of her weakness.)

“Miss Erso, I was hoping I could talk to you for a couple of minutes.”

“It’s Jyn, your Highness,” she replies tiredly, pushing herself up on her elbows to get a better look at the princess, who’s standing at her bedside. “If you’re trying to recruit me, I already told Mothma I haven’t decided yet.”

Leia takes a seat next to Jyn’s bed with a gracefulness that Jyn knows she’ll never be able to master. She’s dressed in all white, the hood of her parka pulled up over her hair despite the warmth of the medical bay. The fur of her hood resembles a halo, and in this light, surrounded by sickness and pain, Leia almost looks like divinity.

It’s even more apparent next to the dark circles underneath Jyn’s eyes and the fading bruises on her exposed skin. Leia’s a princess, she’s royalty, she’s a high-ranking official in the Rebellion. Jyn’s–she’s what? A petty criminal who’s the daughter of an Imperial scientist? Next to Leia, she’s nothing. She’s nobody.

(it doesn’t hurt much, knowing she isn’t much. she’s used to the feeling.)

“Then it’s Leia,” the princess says delicately, folding her hands in her lap. “It’s nice to see you again, Jyn.”

Jyn raises her brows. “What?”

“It was a long time ago, it’s all right that you don’t remember,” Leia says, and Jyn sees something spark in her eyes that she can’t quite catch before Leia’s mask is back up. Fortunately for Jyn, she’s a lot easier to read than Cassian. Uncertainty flashes across her face. “It must have been ten or so years ago. Saw Gerrera came to make an agreement with my father. He introduced you as his daughter.”

Jyn bites her lip and resists the urge to look away. She does remember. Remembers how Leia had stared at her across the table like she was a wild animal and remembers the way she used to wonder how her life would be different if the two of them had switched lives. “I–”

Leia continues. “You left before I could introduce myself, but I wanted to say something. Years later and I still don’t know what I would have done. There you were, a girl roughly my own age but–”

“I’m sorry, your Highness,” Jyn says bitterly, ignoring the disappointment that flashes across Leia’s face. “I can’t remember.”

“It’s quite all right,” Leia says, composing herself. Jyn knows, however, that the other woman is uncomfortable. She can see it in the way she has to brace herself to take a breath and in how stiffly she’s sitting in the chair. “I didn’t expect you to. How are you feeling, by the way? I wasn’t here when they brought you in, but I’ve read the reports.”

“I’m fine. You can tell Mothma that I’ll give her an answer once I get out of here.”

“Right.” Leia pauses, opens her mouth as if she wants to say something else, then shakes her head and closes it. “Feel better, Miss Erso,” she says formally, and Jyn ignores the way Leia's comment stings. The princess stands, acknowledges her with a slight tilt of her head before exiting the room, leaving Jyn alone with her thoughts.

Cassian punches the code for his room in almost angrily, running his fingers through his hair as he waits for his door to open. It’s late enough at night that the hallways are almost abandoned, which is a relief. He’s not in the mood right now for sentient interaction.

He doesn’t know why he’s so agitated–he’d spent most of the day training and rebuilding his strength. Draven, of course, hadn’t apologized for what had happened on Dantooine, though Cassian hadn’t expected him to. Instead, he’s not cleared for active duty until he passes a basic physical and mental test. He supposes that’s as close as Draven’s going to get to an apology.

And while it’s not ideal being confined to the base for a few more weeks, it’s better than doing nothing. There’s always paperwork–Stars, he hates paperwork–and someone needs to do it. His talents could be put to better use, yes, but–

He throws his bag down on his bed, ignoring how his data pad slips out on impact. The brace on his leg is strapped so tight that it’s almost cutting off circulation, but he doesn’t dare remove it. As much as he loathes to admit it, he would barely be able to walk without it–and the last thing he needs right now is to go back on crutches.

(he’d have to go back to the medical bay for that. he’d have to face jyn, and he’s too much of a coward to do that.)

It shouldn’t bother him, but it does. He’d only known Jyn for a week before they had almost died on Scarif, so why should he care if she refuses everything except the most basic of treatments? Why should he care if she wants to do everything on her own? He barely knows her, for Force’s sake.

It’s just–

Stars, they had almost died together. They were supposed to die together. And seeing her for the first time, days after she got out of captivity, with sunken cheeks and bruises around her neck, with an IV in the crook of her elbow and looking as if a strong wind would blow her over, he had wanted nothing more than to stay at her side.

But she had pushed him away with barbed words and thinly veiled insults, and if he were a weaker man he would have gone to her already. But she’s made it perfectly clear what she wants and he’s going to respect her decision.

(he’s lived twenty-six years without jyn erso. it’s selfish of him to think that he can’t make it any longer without her now.)

A resounding bang echoes through his quarters. Cassian flinches backwards and scrambles for his blaster with shaky hands before he realizes it’s only his data pad that’s fallen to the ground.

He swears softly in Festian and sets his blaster down on desk, wiping his hands on the front of his pants. His heart races, and it takes more than a couple deep breaths to slow it back down again.

(maybe jyn’s not the only one who needs help.)

As he reaches down to pick up his data pad, his comm crackles. “Captain Andor? Captain Andor, are you there?”

He sighs, wiping a tired hand over his eyes before he picks up his comm. Duty calls, as always. “I’m here.”

“There’s a situation in medical–” a shout, someone yelling his name, “we need you down here, sir, Miss Erso–she’s calling out for you–and she’s lashing out–”

Jyn.

Before the message is complete, Cassian is already pulling on his boots and racing out the door.

She’s on the Star Destroyer again, a guard on either side of her holding her back so she can’t run to the figure tied to the chair. The man’s head is bowed, his brown hair falling into his eyes so she can’t see his face. Blood drips from his nose onto his black pants and there’s a bruise blossoming on his right cheek, spreading all the way to his forehead.

Krennic presses a knife to the man’s throat, jerking his chin up so the man is forced to look at Jyn. When she sees his face, her knees give out because it isn’t right, he shouldn’t be there, he should be dead, not trapped in a cell like her–

Cassian.

“Tell me, Miss Erso,” Krennic croons, caressing Cassian’s throat with the blunt edge of the knife. A strangled cry breaks out of throat. This isn’t right this isn’t right this isn’t right–

“Where is the Rebellion’s headquarters?”

Cassian meets her eyes and gives the tiniest shake of his head, but she’s not going to let him die at the hands of the Empire–

“I don’t know!” she cries out, trying to wrestle herself free. Her shoulder is wrenched back uncomfortably but she doesn’t care. Tears prick her eyes and she wants to scream out of frustration. “I told you, I don’t know! Let him go. Please.”

“I need answers,” he says evenly, his calm demeanor the opposite of the anxiety she feels. He scraps the knife across Cassian’s throat, drawing blood. Cassian doesn’t make any noise, but he tightens his jaw at the pain.

“Stop!” she sobs, her voice cracking. “I’ll tell you. I’ll tell you everything. Please, just stop.”

“Go on,” Krennic says, gesturing toward her with the knife.

So she does. She gives him bits and pieces, half-truths and partial lies. She tells him she doesn’t know much because the Rebellion had locked her up, that they hadn’t trusted her enough to let her see the base. She doesn’t dare look at Cassian while she speaks, not wanting to see the disappointment in his eyes.

(she’s doing this to save him.)

Krennic listens intently. Once she’s told him everything she knows, he raises an eyebrow. “Is that all?”

“It’s all I know,” she whispers, all of the strength drawn out of her. “I swear, that’s all I know.”

“Hmm,” is all he says, and Jyn can see it in his eyes that what she’d given him isn’t good enough. Desperately, she lurches forward, but Krennic only gives the smallest shake of his head before slitting Cassian’s throat.

The guards at her side are gone and she rushes forward to catch Cassian before he falls to the ground. There’s so much blood staining the floor and Cassian’s clothes and her hands as she cradles Cassian to her chest but Krennic stands off to the side, all dressed in white without a drop of red on him.

Cassian gasps, once, twice, blood squirting out of his neck that stains her face. His eyes dart around the room before settling on hers and he exhales slowly. He doesn’t take another breath and his eyes are glazed over and Jyn’s pressing her hands against the cut in his neck to try and stop the bleeding because if she can stop the bleeding then maybe he’ll be all right, he just needs bacta–

Someone is screaming. She thinks it might be her.

“No, no, no, Cassian, you can’t die, you can’t leave me, you’re not supposed to be here, you’re not supposed to die–”

“Jyn! Jyn. . .wake up!”

Everyone she’s ever loved has been taken from her. She bows her head, her lips brushing against Cassian’s forehead oh so gently, whispering nonsense into his blood-caked hair.

“It’s all right. You’re going to be all right, Cassian. I’ll take care of you, I promise, just trust me, okay? It’s all right.”

“It’s. . .dream. Jyn, you’re dreaming!”

She’s going to kill Krennic if it kills her.

She awakes with a gasps and blindly shoves off the arms that are holding her down. Sweat pours down into her eyes as she tries to sit up and get air into her lungs, but she can’t see, can’t breathe–

“Easy, easy! Jyn, it’s me! It’s Cassian,” Cassian’s face becomes the only thing in her line of sight and she anchors herself to it like a lifeline. He turns and shouts something behind him, and the room clears out until the only other person there is him.

“Cass–” she wheezes, a hand scrabbling up to her throat. “Cass–I can’t–I–”

“Shhh,” he soothes, brushing a piece of hair out of her face. His other hand goes to her stomach, warm and firm against the material of her gown. “You need to breathe, okay? You have to raise my hand with each breath you take, nice and easy. It’s all right. You’re safe, Jyn. You’re safe.”

He takes a deep breath and she tries to copy him, but her breaths are short and swallow. Her eyes dart around the room and she shifts on the bed, but Cassian guides her face back to his. “Easy, Jyn. There you go.” He stays with her the whole time, whispering words of encouragement and helping her breathe.

(he came back for her, even after everything she said. he always comes back for her.)

“I’m fine,” she rasps out once she can breathe again. Her heart rate is still racing, but her vision isn’t darkening anymore. “I’m fine.”

Cassian barely moves from her side, just shifts so his leg isn’t hanging awkwardly off of the cot. Jyn moves to the side to give him more space. “What happened?” he whispers, meeting her gaze with soft eyes.

“It was nothing,” she replies softly, wishing she could be honest with him and knowing that she can’t. “I’m fine.”

“You’re not,” he argues, cupping her face with a hand. He brushes his thumb against her cheekbones, wiping away the tear tracks. She doesn’t pull away despite how close he is to her. It feels so right lying next to him, leaning into his warmth. She feels safe, something she hasn’t had the luxury to feel in a long time.

(is it selfish of her to want this? )

“There was a boy. On the Star Destroyer,” she says instead. Cassian frowns, but accepts the change of subject. “He couldn’t have been older than nineteen.”

“Jyn. . .”

“His name was Cado Dravvad and he lived on Coruscant before coming to the Rebellion. He was a part of Intelligence. Did you know him?”

After a beat, he admits, “I did. I didn’t run any missions with him, but it was my job to know people.”

There’s a furrow between his brows that she wants to smooth away with her thumb. “I watched him die,” she says softly. “He died because I wouldn’t give Krennic any information about the Rebellion.”

Cassian knows what she’s thinking before she even has to say it. “It wasn’t your fault, Jyn,” he murmurs, as if he knows how heavy her heart is and how her shoulders dip under this burden. “You couldn’t save him. He knew the risk when he signed up.”

“It could have been you, Cass,” she says. He pulls her into his chest and she curls her fingers in the soft material of his shirt. “It could have been you on that Star Destroyer.”

“It wasn’t,” he replies, pressing a kiss to her damp hair, which still smells faintly of bacta. “I’m here, Jyn. I’m with you.”

After a couple minutes of silence, he makes to pull away as if to let her rest by herself. Jyn only tightens her grip in his shirt and pulls him back to her. “Stay,” she orders.

He does.

It’s hours later when he finally pulls away from Jyn and gets out of the bed as quietly as he can manage. She’s been sleeping peacefully for a while now and he hates to leave her alone like this, but he has to report to Draven in an hour.

Before he leaves, he brushes a piece of hair out of her eyes. When he walks out the door, he ignores the way his heart tugs, and he ignores the nausea rolling in his stomach.

It’s for the best, he tells himself.

(but does he really believe that?)

#dailyrebelcaptain #rogue one #rogue one fic #rebelcaptain fic #rebelcaptain fanfic #my writing

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