#✦ pavlovianpanic. ╱ miles & beth.┊a camera & an axe: a coffee & some popcorn: what a bloodied pair we are.

[cataschism]

@pavlovianpanic

"To forget, to forget ...", Vahan Teryan (translated by Tathev Simonyan)

[cataschism]

❛ Yeah, what can I say to that, Miles? Josh loved having his own stuff. Any new car he got would probably just be replaced in a year, because we could. But Josh loved that truck. ❜

Miles is an asshole. Beth would dislike that if it actually didn’t mean that she could be an asshole back and he could handle it. There were so few people Beth could be unapologetically dickish around, and both of them are dead. The only people who understood that Beth’s bluntness and Beth’s—Bethisms are a result of her brain chemistry misfiring, not because she wants to be cruel. 

If she grew out her hair again, she and Hannah would be inseparable. She’s not athletic like Hannah was, but she has the potential. That’s the thing with twins in movies, you can always just steal their identity. Like in Gravity Falls. 

Beth tries to imagine herself taking Hannah’s identity willingly and finds vomit lurking in her throat, giving her chest pain. She avoids eye contact with Miles and keeps her face level, neutral, blinking slow and letting the emotions roil over her. With grief will come blinding rage, but for now she vacilliates between feeling nothing and feeling lost.

❛ I’ll have to find a good school where I can find out the reason behind those monsters on the mountain. Somewhere with a big library. ❜ Why were they only defeated with fire? Why they cluster on Mt. Madahee, prior to her father’s buying of it? She’s staring out the window, down the mountains now held by the morning sun, and wonders how she couldn’t have seen it sooner.

The second the car stops, she’s up, twisting the door open and shoving it to the side. She’s somewhere between a couple minutes from passing out and still alive with adrenaline. She can’t decide. Her own mind, her body, is alien. 

She holds up Josh’s car key on the key ring, jingling it in the air. ❛ He left me it. Thinks ahead. Directors always do. ❜ She looks at Miles, then, deciding if even she can’t think straight—identify herself correctly, accurately—she can the very least match his level of crazy. ❛ But I’ll let you know if I want that crowbar. Not far until the parking lot below the mountain. And then I’ll readjust to urban living, we’ll find out where those things came from, and I’ll take my dead siblings’ inheritance to buy an apartment if I end up hating living with you, man. ❜

She takes a steadying breath when she looks away, hoping that she can keep up pretending the grief won’t eventually hit. Like Miles doesn’t know the grief will hit, eventually. ❛ What color is your car? Do you have one of those rubber ducks every Jeep has? ❜

of all the lessons josh has taught beth, and they were many, the best he taught her was to run. from a young age, he was the hungry wolf, taunting her as the little fawn that would scatter in the snow. then, summers and winters passed, and her legs grew strong, her lungs drew more breath, and she began to be able to outrun him.

❛ i was already slowing down, beth. that's when i knew ... i wasn't going to be around for much longer. i don't think i was dying, not medically, but i think i knew ... we could never stay alive together for very long. that's why i had to teach you; i had to teach you everything so you could take care of hannah for me, and mom ... and dad, too. if you're not mad at him. i don't think i'm mad at him. i don't want to be mad at anyone. hey, beth? are you mad at me? for dying? i'm sorry. that was pretty stupid of me to die for real. ❜

❝ that piece of shit truck was ... is ... his? damn. thought you were a rich family. was i wrong? ❞ if he keeps it loose, then he can mitigate the pain along the way. she can feel it all she wants in the jeep, he figures. not that i blame her. i'd be pretty fucked if i just lost basically my whole family. ease up, miles ... but don't go soft. ❝ you might wanna grab hers, too. just in case. you got the face for it. take advantage. ❞

he makes his way into the car with her, listening as she explains she might not mind where he's living these days. not even from there, but it's where i stay. guess that makes it home, right? he rubs his forehead in contemplation, urging himself to think.

❝ yeah, they have good programs for lots of things. lot of government work there. everyone's all shaken up all the time, but can't tell you why. well, they can ... for the right price, i guess. shit, you made it out of here, right? you'll do fine in D.C. ❞

he remains standing, looking out the windows just in case.

what's going to get us now? well, shit. anything, i guess. i just learned more monsters than i thought were real. combined with what i've seen before ... nah, this shit's no accident. i'm getting to the bottom of it. she can fuck off in school if that makes her feel better, but me? nah, not me. i'm not burying my head in the sand.

but that's presumptuous, isn't it? based on one statement. he's judging her too quickly here.

she had my back before when she didn't have to. least i can do is have hers for a while.

❝ where you gonna crash, huh? with me? tch. it's a small apartment. after all this fresh air? think you can handle it? ❞

the track is creaking, indicating they're getting close. miles lets out a breath he didn't realize he's been holding since they first got in.

finally. prepare for landing.

❝ and how’re you getting into his truck? he leave it unlocked for you? if you need to bust the window, tell me first. i got a crowbar in my rig. ❞