#✘ how can i lose if i'm already chose -- like? ⁞ visage. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

uozlulu · 1 year ago

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So, I got inspired by that DM ship week thing but my brain went a bit to the left with it and somehow I'm writing a fic involving both bookverse DM and showverse DM who can catch glimpses of their other lives through mirrors and reflections

Anyway, gonna post what notes I have so far in the off chance I lose my file for whatever reason. Some of these may change. Still have no clue how to interpret or do for that day six prompt in the slightest yet, which is good because since I've taken this in a weird direction I'm not going to post it the week of because it's probably not what people will be looking for for that particular event.

Anyway....

Day 1 - I want it. I want to live forever. Daniel had sat up, climbed to his feet slowly, struggling to see Armand more clearly. A dim bulb burned somewhere far down the hall. I want to be with Louis and with you. Laughter, low, gentle. But contemptuous. “I see why he chose you for his confidant. You are naive and beautiful. But the beauty could be the only reason, you know.”

[Daniel's been starved for three days. Armand appears in a dark suit with his hair cut and nails gleaming. Armand likes Daniel's eyes. Finds him "defiant and beseeching in the same breath." Armand goes on to warn him about madness.]

Armand 1

Armand gazes at Daniel, catching his own reflection in Daniel’s glasses. For a moment, the reflection distorts into another boy who was able to barely become a man, who Armand also understands as being himself but not himself. He’s seen this boy for years with the same large brown eyes and increasingly cold complexion. He used to think he could reach out and touch that boy, but the moment is too fleeting or a puddle splashes and the other boy disappears. It is a distraction from the mystery standing in front of him. Daniel is different than the other humans he’s put in this position. It stirs something within him.

Daniel 1

Daniel runs until he’s out of breathe and about to throw up. It’s almost dawn. His stomach growls as it’s been all this time. He finds money in his pocket. He’s too hungry to use it to get high. He needs to find a place to eat. He needs to get the hell out of California. He starts talking to a boy standing beside him with dark curly hair and realizes he’s talking to his reflection that’s also somehow not his reflection in a shop window. He blinks and the image changes back to himself. He’d almost think he’s crazy but he’s seen this other person many times even well before he first did drugs. He heads off to find food.

Armand 2

They’re having the same conversations again, but he doesn’t think Daniel realizes it. He’s watching Daniel deteriorate just like he watched him deteriorate in the past but in a different and somehow less malevolent way. This is what Armand wanted when he chose to let Daniel go except he didn’t expect to have to witness this part of it or he might not have anticipated it happening here in a space he completely controlled. He gazes through the windows at Dubai. A different Armand’s eyes gaze back at him, dark and full of thought.

Daniel 2

Daniel feels like he’s said these words before but maybe slightly differently than he says them now. Armand answers him as though he already knows what to say, as if perhaps this is an old conversation or maybe because Armand’s mocking him. Daniel is angry and looks away, for a second seeing the other Daniel in a small makeup mirror nearby. The other Daniel seems frightened by the visage and soon disappears. Armand does still think Daniel is beautiful. His persona is almost engulfing, suffocating, such a change from “Rashid.” Daniel almost gets swept up in it, but he’s not at a point to forgive him yet.

Day 2 - Daniel was past all decision. Daniel lived only in two alternating states: misery and ecstasy, united by love. He never knew when he’d be given the blood. He never knew if things looked different because of it-the carnations staring at him from their vases, skyscrapers hideously visible like plants sprung up from steel seeds overnight-or because he was just going out of his mind.

[Daniel tried to drink from Armand by biting Armand himself. Armand tore the skin himself and let Daniel drink a little "then guiding him gently away." ]

Armand 1

Observing Daniel, who’s almost in a trance. He can see another boy reflected beside Daniel with dark curly hair. They move almost the same, as if both in the same trance. Armand is transfixed by this strange almost ballet, both clearly Daniel but also not both the same Daniel.

Daniel 1

Armand 2

Daniel 2

Day 3 - “Armand […] always knew where Daniel was. He could hear Daniel’s call. The blood connected them, it had to-the precious tiny drinks of burning preternatural blood. Never enough to do more than awaken dreams in Daniel, and the thirst for eternity, to make the flowers in the wallpaper sing and dance. Whatever, Armand could always find him, of that he had no doubt.”

[Daniel admits that Armand might not have caused the madnes. Daniel has faith in Armand. He doesn't understand how the blood works]

Armand 1

He can feel his connection to Daniel fading. He aches for it much like Daniel might ache for the blood.

Daniel 1

Armand 2

Daniel 2

Day 4 - “You came back to me because you wanted to, Daniel,” Armand always said calmly, face still and radiant, eyes full of love. “There is nothing for you now, Daniel, except me. You know that. Madness waits out there.”

[Daniel thinks Armand might be responsible for his "periods of madness." Daniel returns to the villa on Night Island where Armand says this. "Same old dance," Daniel answered". Armand is wearing only white. Sometimes he laughs, offers to get Daniel anything he wants.]

Armand 1

Armand said “Madness waits out there,” but sometimes he wonders. He watches Daniel from the shadows. Daniel’s bathed in the sunset. The smoke from his cigarette drifts up into the sky. He’s malnourished despite everything Armand provides. A wind chime sings and Armand can see the other him in its chimes. He watches them move, locking gazes with the other him until Daniel appears before him. The sunset disappears as they claim a kiss.

Daniel 1

There’s a mirror by the bed in Night Island. Daniel stares into it and sees an older face, a man he hopes he never becomes but has seen many times since he got together with Armand. Madness is very much in here as much as it might be out there. He wonders if Armand controls the mirrors. He wonders if his soul is stored there. Daniel looks down at his own body, finding it the way he remembers except for a gray hair on his chest. He plucks it and lets it fall to the floor. The need to become immortal, the need to be forever young consumes him.

Armand 2

The interview ended and Lestat arrived. Armand joins Daniel on the balcony one night. Daniel is still mad about the memory loss, but admits that Armand is kind of all he has left. He tells Armand he can visit him in New York. Armand murmurs, “Same old dance,” and Daniel is curious but Armand plays it off. He can see their reflections in the balcony railing, red and blond hair. He remembers when he said those words to Daniel decades ago and Daniel replied with “Same old dance.”

Daniel 2

Day 5 - “Be alive, Daniel.” A low whisper, like a kiss. “Let me tell you from my heart that life is better than death.”

[Daniel: Give me what I want. Armand: I'm giving you everything you could ever ask for. Daniel: Yes, but not what I have asked for, not what I want!

I don't want to be alive, Armand, I want to live forever, and then I will tell you whether life is better than death.

Daniel is being driven mad by the opulence and indulgence, he worries Armand won't let him die]

Armand 1

Daniel is slipping through Armand’s fingers. He’s so full of life as he craves death. Armand cannot do anything except try to throw more opulence at him. He looks to the mirror and spies his other self with another Daniel, just as drained of life. Armand throws a pillow at the mirror in the bedroom. Daniel is beyond frustrating but he can’t let Daniel go.

Daniel 1

Daniel is back on Night Island. He’s emotionally exhausted already. He strips himself and looks at the mirror in the bedroom. The him with the dark curly hair that’s starting to gray at the temples stares back. The other him has the straight razor. Daniel is too strung out. He closes his eyes and opens them, finding the vision gone. Armand appears and thoughts of what the other him might do with the razor disappear with the distraction.

Armand 2

Armand goes to the mega mall on Night Island to hunt. He frustrated and unsettled. He catches Daniel’s thoughts with the razor. By the time he arrives, Daniel is sobbing on the bed, the razor still in his hand. Armand casts it aside and draws Daniel close. Daniel is anorexic, strung out, obsessed, and spiraling. Armand wants to keep him forever but forever is swiftly becoming a short time. Whenever Daniel leaves, there’s a chance he’ll die somewhere far from Armand. Armand makes up his mind to take Daniel’s memories and let him go. It’s the only alternative. He’ll leave him at a drug rehabilitation center in Miami.

Daniel 2

Daniel is in the bathroom of the villa on Night Island. It’s as opulent as the rest of this place. It’s almost claustrophobic even though it’s about the size of the apartments he couch surfed back before he met Armand and Louis. He finds the straight razor Armand uses on him and takes it back to the bedroom where he stares at himself in the mirror. He can see the blond man staring back him, skin and bones. He has a mind to use the razor on his own neck. His jaw is tight. Tears fall. He can’t take this anymore. He prays to Armand as one might the Devil asking for release, freedom, or eternity. He sobs.

Day 6 - “… Let the demonic gods war with each other. This mortal has been to the top of the mountain where they cross swords. And he has come back. He has been turned away.”

[Daniel's thoughts upon watching a music video depicting Armand as the vampire coven master vs. Lestat "18th century iconclast" "destroyed the old ways"]

Armand 1

Daniel 1

Armand 2

Daniel 2

Day 7 - “…the sight of Armand made him want to cry. Even in deep shadow, Armand’s dark brown eyes were filled with a vibrant light. And the expression on his face, so loving. He reached out very carefully and touched Armand’s eyelashes. He wanted to touch the tiny fine lines in Armand’s lips. Armand kissed him. He began to tremble. The way it felt, the cool silky mouth, like a kiss of the brain, the electric purity of a thought!”

[Daniel's finally become a vampire and Armand is leading him to his first kill. It's their first kiss as immortals.]

Armand 1

It’s a funeral but also a birth and also a marriage. Armand wants to watch Daniel hunt and consume much like Armand wanted to watch him eat human food over the years. Daniel consumes while consumed by the horrors. Armand catches a glimpse of the other him in the windows. Both united in a broken vow for a second before they return to their fledglings

Daniel 1

Daniel is so caught up in the euphoria of transformation that he cannot be worried about his reflection from another world in storefront near the place where Armand leads him. He wants to touch Armand, consume Armand. Armand guides him away. There’s a voice that’s not his that speaks for him like it’s his. He tries to ignore it. He doesn’t think he’ll ever come down from this high, though it is about to crash for him, yet he is with Armand and that’s what truly matters.

Armand 2

The world is silent and he almost hates it, but Daniel is still alive and it would be worse for it to be silent and Daniel dead. He ignores the mirror beside them, though he’s aware that the other him is holding the other Daniel just as tightly. He had everything prepared and quickly provides what Daniel needs so they can step out and complete the transformation. He’s amazed by his creation

Daniel 2

He hasn’t felt so alive in decades, if ever in his life, but alive isn’t quite the term. He reaches out to Armand’s face and can barely comprehend the details he can now see. He peers into the mirror, to that other world in another place in another time. He wonders if they can reach in there, it looks like they should be able to. Armand guides him away to complete the transformation.

#adventures in fic writing

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sunagitsunee · 5 years ago

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Achilles Heel

Hurt / Comfort, Levi Ackerman x Hanji Zoe

POST 115 FIC

ALSO IN AO3

The patterns of the exposed beams of the ceiling were suddenly the most interesting thing in the room.

Levi had been past his major self-loathing stage, one that immediately kicked in after his stupor post the explosion. He’d been through despondency and helplessness after realizing the mishap took out parts of him that were necessary for battle. Denial was there, too, with the fact that he was a diminished version if himself after the accident—that he might not be the strongest one anymore.

What was eating him away was the guilt: survivor’s guilt. Or more so, having to bide his time until he could fully recover just so he could return to the battlefield.

Basically, he had to stay put, bathe in peace, while their allies were dying by the minute.

To him, it was an indirect murder by his hands, because he failed.

Once more he was unsuccessful in fulfilling his promise to his previous commander, just because he was being uncharacteristically reckless. And to make it worse, his current commander was stuck nursing him back to health instead of watching over the poor kids left to finish what they had started.

It was all fucked up.

No—scratch that. It was beyond fucked up.

Levi had already faced all kinds of defeat ever since his memory had afforded to remember. And he thought losing his mother, his dearest friends, his own squad, and even Erwin, were already the peak of the damnation of his existence. He was clearly mistaken.

Because this time, he had lost a little more than himself, and gained back one thing he had forsaken a long time ago.

Well, he had spent the last decade redeeming himself from the clutches of the underground. Humanity’s Strongest Soldier, that was what everyone called him. He walked and talked the reputation. He devoted himself to his host and to the cause of saving humanity that the supposed burden became his second skin, to the point that his emotions got in the way—so he got rid of it.

As they say, they had to become what they wanted to kill. And he, including several other members of the original Survey Corps, became monsters to eradicate other monsters. Living with the armor of ferociousness for so long made him forget what it was like to feel despair. People had died left and right and tears came out reservedly, away from a mere human being’s gaze. No big deal.

Before the accident that rendered him catatonic for days, he had the impression that he would outlive everyone, so he had no problems of thinking about who would die next. Normally, his soul would be crushed and be forced to move on the next second because everyone counted on him to carry on the will of the dead.

However, the brush with good old death had changed things drastically.

He can die, alone and powerless. The truth was cold and unforgiving. It hit him like a brick wall. And he hated it.

Years and years of bravado and confidence had led up to this point. And the biggest problem was, who will carry on his will and those who died before him once he is gone? Who was strong enough to bear all the weight he carried in his back? All the lives which were sacrificed, if he couldn’t let them live on through someone else, would they have been wasted all for naught?

Who would care to remember him if he was to suddenly disappear, and no one else was around?

That was not even the worst.

The most fucked up thing that ever happened in that incident was being in the brink of oblivion, almost fading out, but then meeting the gaze of someone else that was filled with terror and sadness over the fact that he was, in fact, perishing.

It stung so bad, that it made him cower at the thought of biting the dust just like that.

He had never thought about it before, to be honest. But back then during his last breaths, when he had the sliver of chances to look upon the face of the person who was calling him back to reality: he saw that expression. Anguished was not even enough to describe what he witnessed. Fear, confusion, resolve, despair, longing… hundred more waves broke through his savior’s—Hanji's—facade while they held him gently, while he clung to that warmth as if it was his lifeline.

Which was stupid. Because they aren’t normally like that. They’d laugh and shout but not once did they throw those sentiments at him without holding back. They were strong like him. They’d lost people too, but they stood up and fought on.

So why, why did the glimpse of their face in sorrow made his wounds ache a thousand times more than they should?

Pathetic. Levi had convinced himself over these past few days that it should be the last time that he’d let them go through that. He wouldn’t go out like that. He’d never want to see Hanji’s eyes, the most vibrant pair he’d ever met, be clouded again in his dying moments.

He would have to make do of what’s left of him to push through, no matter how lamentable the outlook seemed.

“Knock, knock.”

As if on cue, his rumination was disrupted with the voice that retrieved him from the underworld. The door revealed Hanji’s resigned frame, and light steps against the wood followed after as they approached his rigid figure in the tub.

Levi slowly turned his head towards them and took note of their sullenness behind the pretentious but affable smile.

“What? Don’t tell me you wanna take a bath with me?”

“Maybe. But I suck at doing it. You blasting me with water is still the best way to do it.”

Scoff. “It’ll be a different experience since I have less fingers to blast you with.”

He watched how they winced for a split second, probably a knee-jerk reaction after being reminded of his current setbacks. Hanji finally let out a sigh after holding their breath for several seconds before setting by the floor, absentmindedly playing with his bath water by dipping an entire arm.

“I talked with our hosts. The Azumabitos are displeased with how we are doing. Understandably so. But they are willing to hide us until you’re fully on your feet. Thanks to them, I’ve sent a coded message to Mikasa for our current status.”

“Yeah. And are they still all alive?”

“Presumably. Eren was dead for some time, but as expected of shifters, they can transfer consciousness and heal.”

“Fuck those shifters.” Good thing the kids were still kicking, but man, fuck Zeke and his existence. He spearheaded all this fuckery. And he’s still out there thanks to him.

“Our forces have withdrawn for the meantime… They have control over our new recruits, and most of our leaders have been transformed to…titans… I’ve instructed Jean to gather our remaining allies and rummage for whatever is salvageable. I'm—”

Hanji paused and bit their lip before punching the edge of the tub with their other hand, so hard that he felt the tremors from the impact. Levi knew them all too well, they were frustrated, more so with themselves rather than anything else.

“Damn… We’ve lost so much. I was never suited to be this. I’m such a fucking mess. Erwin would have pulled a miracle out of our asses by now. You know that. I’m sure you think the same way.”

NO! Obviously! Erwin was gone, right? And Levi chose it to be that way. He still doesn’t regret the choice of letting him rest, keeping him safe from this abhorrent world. Except that seeing Hanji at the end of their wits was every bit of torturous for him, too. But still…

“You said it before, Hanji. Outcomes aren’t determined by a single choice. Don’t take all the blame.”

Another fist hit the keg. “But I am at fault. I failed to draw a good gamble, and I got you injured by a flaw in the weapon that I made. I’m… I’m sorry, Levi. I’m not even sure if that amounts to anything anymore….”

Jeez.

Hanji was at it again. His guilt was already a thing, but theirs were like a second punch in the gut. They needed to be coherent as soon as possible for all their sakes, and Levi was one of the handful who could knock some sense into them.

“That’s the fiftieth goddamn apology you’ve managed to spew, and as far as I know, you aren’t supposed to be a deprecatory ass.” He spoke a little louder, making sure to emphasize every word. “Maybe if you stopped gambling and living in Erwin’s shadow and be precise like you used to be, those words would actually bear something.”

They went silent for a while, with only the drops from the faucet accentuating the stillness. Hanji was crouched away from his sight, probably pondering on their shortcomings, wallowing on the hurt from his statements, or perhaps repeating his harsh preaching like a mantra until they were consequential.

In the first place, they were the only person who could read between the lines no matter what foul words he spat out.

What he meant, anyway: Hanji had always been the better person, and if there was anyone who could get their stride back, it was them. They just had to get out of their slump, and they need to be back to their usual self. That he trusted them, and that he would do anything for them.

His speech seemed fruitful, much to his relief. When they straightened up, there were less shadows on their face, albeit the weeks of sleep deprivation and stress made the frown lines seem permanent.

Hanji tapped the surface of the water, purposefully splashing on his body, and some, hitting his face.

“Asshole,” they said. Levi kicked lightly and the ripples overflowed until they got into their clothes, too. He got a stifled gasp as a response.

“That’s the shitty glasses that I know.”

They chuckled but stopped abruptly to move closer until their faces were the same level. Their chin rested against the tub and their fingers hovered on the new scar that adorned his visage.

Caressing without touching, that is. For some reason it relaxed Levi; it was as if they were accepting his impairments instead of intruding upon him. It was their usual dynamic, one that went off-track when the war had started.

A thorn got dislodged from his heart knowing their thing was finally back.

“I’m sorry, Levi. Just this once, I say not as your commander. I truly am sorry.”

He shifted fully to his side so their good eyes could meet. There was something thick building up in his throat; he could have ignored it but decided against it. If he didn’t say it on the spot, he may never have the chance to do so.

“Thank you. And this is personal. You could’ve left me there. A dead man served no purpose to your goals, but you ended up putting your life on the line as well. You’re that dumb, but you saved me. I owe you. Everything.”

Hanji smiled and let their touch graze his jaw, right where the gash ended.

“I will admit, I was being selfish in that one. I could have let you rest, but I was scared. I… couldn’t let you go in the end.”

His chest drummed at their words and how they rolled off from their tongue.

“Scared, huh.“

He was, as well. Openly. For the first time. And if the situations were reversed, he’d risk his life to save them, too. Maybe the fear of losing them was a big part of his weakness now, but it’s a weakness he’d have to live with moving forward. "Maybe we are humans after all…”

“Yeah, you monster… I… just realized I needed you. Only humans do that kind of thing, I guess…?”

Needed. By the way the russet in their eye glinted, he knew they meant it in every sense of the word, and he too, felt the same way. More than they could both comprehend. More than the bonds of the dying breed that they share.

It was needing in a much, much, intimate level. And it took that recent trip to demise to bring those feelings bursting to the surface.

Levi’s hand met theirs, and he immediately appreciated the familiar warmth in contrast with the cold water. He held it down by his neck and rested against their palm. Hanji lightly squeezed on his skin.

“Hey… Don’t die alone, Levi. Don’t die before me. Get our freedom in my stead if I go. Promise me.”

He could feel their breath grazing in his face, and it nearly wanted him to breach the small distance that kept them apart and catch their lips. But no, this was not the time for it. It was unfair. War had no space for such ties.

He decided he would do it when they’re finally free, only then, since they deserved the whole of him. They’d start a new life together, that was his new resolve.

Instead, Levi smiled and brought his handicapped grip to nestle on their cheek.

“Don’t be stupid. If you go down, I go down. If you live, I live. So do your damned best to survive, and I would keep at it too. That’s what I can promise.”

Hanji turned their head to press their lips longingly to his palm before speaking.

“Of course… that seems fair to me.”

#levihan #levi #hanji zoe #shingeki no kyojin #attack on titan #snk #aot #levi ackerman #mine #i couldn't get this out of my head ugh #anyway

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