#◦ ` ･ writing : all the glamour and the trauma and the fucking melodrama

[pixeldreqms]

❄❄❄❄❄

winter 2033

”You act like you've never seen snow before, Will. You're fogging up my window." 

While his sister wasn't quite pressed face first to the large window behind his couch, she was awfully close. Body turned almost fully around, chest pressed to the back of the black leather, eyes following the white snowflakes as they fell from the sky. He knew very well that she had seen snow before, had fallen victim to countless snowball attacks from her. He could still remember the time she shoved one down his shirt and he ran inside crying, their mom yelling about getting ice and water all over the kitchen floor before switching to yelling at Willow for playing so mean. The ice cold had stopped stinging after a few minutes, but he had sobbed for at least half an hour. In his defense, he'd been nine. In Will's defense now, he was almost sure it'd been years since she'd seen snow in person. That'd been one of the worst parts of Los Angeles. And Ian still had a running list in his head, even six years after leaving that godforsaken city. Snow was the best kind of weather, in his eyes. It brought upon a sort of peacefulness to the world. It had a way of quieting everything down. It was beautiful. So really, he could tease his sister, but he couldn't blame her. He'd miss this view, too. Joining her back on the couch, he pushed a warm mug into her hands. Hot chocolate. Real hot chocolate, not the kind from a pack in a box. It was maybe the one good thing their mom had passed down to them. A perfect hot chocolate recipe, complete with mini marshmallows. It was one of the more pleasant memories from childhood. Sitting in front of a Christmas movie and a warm fire, sipping homemade hot chocolate with his sister as it snowed outside. There weren't many moments he wanted to continuously recreate from when he was a kid, but that was definitely one he didn't mind reliving. They spiked the hot chocolate nowadays, but they'd technically been doing that since Ian was sixteen, so there was still some nostalgia in that aspect. They had a movie on the TV - not a Christmas one seeing as how it was late January, but some romantic comedy that kept getting recommended to them both on Netflix and they'd turned on at random - but it had been acting as nothing more than background noise for the entire night as they talked over it. Then the snowfall had begun, and that became the primary focus. "You don't get views like this in California, huh?" he asked. There was a hint of smugness in his voice, a hint of 'ha, guess my choice to flee Hollywood and move to a place in the mountains of Utah wasn't such a crazy idea now, was it?' A hint of 'I get to look at this snow every winter, bitch, enjoy it while you can.' The ground was already covered from the snow that had fallen that morning, before Willow had even begun her ten hour journey to her brother's home. Hadn't even had a chance to melt before a fresh coat started to cover it. They sipped their drinks in silence for a moment, both of them fixated by the bright white snow under the moonlight. "You should hang around a little longer," he said, almost a whisper. His eyes still on the snow and not on his sister. "Call whoever and tell them you think you're gonna get snowed in and clear your schedule for the next week." Two nights had been the plan, just a quick visit, and that was all well and good - but night one was already almost over. Time went by so fast when you didn't want it to. Days when Will was there were truly the only ones that didn't pass so excruciatingly slow. Don't get him wrong - he loved his life. Loved his secluded home, his privacy, loved his quiet day to day routine, loved the consistency in it and the peace it gave him. But he got lonely, as most people would. And wasn't everything better when shared with a loved one anyways? And, truth be told, he had spent so many years missing his sister even when she was right in the same city as him. Now he felt like he finally had her back and he wanted to hold on to that. Before he could speak up again, tell her that he knew her schedule was much less easily bent than his own and that he didn't even know if he could handle being around her that long anyway, she was reaching for her phone. He hid his smile behind his mug as the snow continued to fall.

[partsofthemachine]

@ilooklikedeath

( I’m not an addict, Klaus. ) Allison signed for must have been the millionth time. Not that she thought he was actually paying attention to her. He’d definitely been high when he floated the idea of coming to a recovery meeting with him. Or coming down, or on his way to get high. Diego had said he had a dealer who worked the corner outside of his meetings, right?

She had assumed, at the time, that he wanted moral support. Apparently, though, this was more of an intervention type deal. Which was really just rubbing salt in the wound. Even if she was addicted to her powers, she was definitely already going cold turkey now.

( Why am I here? )

[sav-grey]

19 for nineteen : savannah grey birthday playlist (may 8th, 2002)

goblin | tyler the creator - i'm not a fucking role model, i’m a NINETEEN year old fucking emotional coaster with pipe dreams no good | ballyhoo! - took your poison to the head, NINETEEN years old, i feel half dead. give me a reason not to turn around, not to leave you here for good good news | mac miller - i'm running out of gas, hardly anything left. hope i make it home from work. well, so tired of being so tired, why I gotta build something beautiful just to go set it on fire? miss americana & the heartbreak prince | taylor swift - they whisper in the hallway, "she's a bad, bad girl". the whole school is rolling fake dice, you play stupid games, you win stupid prizes fast | juice wrld - i go through so much, i'm NINETEEN years old, it's been months since I felt at home. but it's okay cause i’m rich, psych, i'm still sad as a bitch marilyn monroe | astrid s - if i slept with a hundred guys, you'd think it's a crime. the less i wear, the more you criticize. i'm just a thing, ain't i? serotonin | girl in red - when there's control i lose it, incredibly impulsive, so scared i’m gonna end up doing something stupid, but i try to contain it young forever | jay-z feat. mr hudson - so let’s just stay in the moment, smoke some weed, drink some wine, reminisce, talk some shit, forever young is in your mind you’re still a mystery | bleachers -  if what i lost ain't ever coming back, then i can find a way to move inside of your mystery personal cathedral | aly & aj - let's leave this party right now, we never liked these people. cowboys and hopeless crowns spinning us all around, looking us up and down nineteen | hayley williams - i was NINETEEN, calling, flew home, back to where we met, stayed inside, i was so upset. cooked up a plan, it was good except i was all alone it’s time to go | taylor swift - sometimes giving up is the strong thing, sometimes to run is the brave thing, sometimes walking out is the one thing, that will find you the right thing now i’m in it | haim - locking all the doors to my house, i'm alone in my head, but I wish you were in my bed. can't get a read on myself medicine | daughter - you could go home, escape it all. it's just irrelevant, it's just medicine sober II (melodrama) | lorde - all the glamour and the trauma and the fuckin melodrama, alll the gun fights and the lime lights and the holy sick divine nights twinkle lights | the sonder bombs - well, at NINETEEN years old i still had never really been told that at NINETEEN years old i’m fucking allowed to fucking say no still learning | halsey - but no one around me knows who i am, what i’m on, who i’ve hurt and where they've gone. i know that I've done some wrong, but i'm tryna make it right. the same mistakes on and on....to all my friends, i’m sorry my future | billie eilish - i’m in love with my future, and you don't know her. and i, i'm in love, but not with anybody here. i’ll see you in a couple years get well soon | ariana grande - so deal with it, don't try to get by it, ain't no time to deny it so we had to sit down and just write it

[the-decadence]

GET TO KNOW MEH

Tagged by @madsadtits​

Original Rules: Answer 20 questions, then tag 20 of your followers that you would like to know better. Updated Rules: See Original Rules, + Add a couple questions of your own!

Name? Nicole

Nickname? People call me by name or surname, nothing special

Zodiac sign? Pisces

Height? 168,5 cm

Nationality? Polish

Sexual orientation? Bisexual

Favorite fruit?  This shit is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S, raspberries, green apples

Favorite season? Autumn and Winter

Favorite flower? Peonies, roses, carnations

Favorite scent? gasoline, cotton, vanilla, caramel

Favorite book? Hard to choose one, but my life changed after reading “The Godfather” by Mario Puzo, then “Pulp” by Charles Bukowski.

Favorite animal? Cats and foxes

Coffee, tea, or hot chocolate? Coffee.

Average hours of sleep? Varies between 0 - 4  - 12 hours.

Cats or dogs? Slightly more cats, but dogs are adorable too.

Number of blankets you sleep with? 1 or 2

Dream trip? Like, everywhere, tour around the world. But my dream since I was like 8, was to visit New York City. Also, Australia.

Blog created? 28.12.2011

Number of followers? 777

Favorite color? Black, grey, white, silver, gold.

Favorite food? Pizza, sushi [salmon, avocado + Philadelphia is my fav combo], garlic bread, anything with pasta and good sauce.

Favorite song? Hard one, but probably “Pinocchio Story” by Kanye West

Favorite singer/band? My girls: Beyonce, Lana del Rey and Lorde. Also Kanye West, Jay Z.

Favorite TV show? Game of Thrones, Ru Paul’ Drag Race.

Favorite movie? Blow, 2001, starring J. Depp and P. Cruz.

Favorite visual artist? Stanislaw Ignacy Witkiewicz (Witkacy) and from modern ones - Kasia Napiorkowska (@napiorkowska)

Favorite fictional character? I like Arya Stark.

Dream house? (Describe it!) I’m torn between a princess’ castle and chic apartment in NYC and artsy, kinda bohemian loft in Paris kind of thing.

Name one superpower you’d like to have! Probably flying.

What is your inspiration in life? Like nothing, the reason why I do shit is that I’m ambitious to death or I want to piss off someone.

Biggest fear? Failure, solitude, abandonment.

If you could change something in yourself what would it be?  I’m a lazy, depressed bitch with perosnality disorder, there is a lot I would want to change.

What makes you feel happy? Hurr durr, I’m fucking empty inside, but I like memes, they make me smile, so yeah, MEMES.

What makes you  sad? My mind and the world.

How do you see yourself in 10 years? *crosses fingers* WITH THAT DAMN PhD, making kids understand Mathematical Logic.

Who are you? Princess of chaos, well, that’s kinda my name on instagram (http://instagram.com/princessechaos), but also mathematician (I hope) and artist.

What do you want to be remembered for? ”All the glamour and the trauma and the fucking melodrama”.

What is your hobby?  I like to write.

What is your biggest dream? No dreams, only plans, and the biggest one right now is the PhD.

What do you love most about yourself? :)

What do you hate most about yourself? :)

____________________________________________

So, now something from me:

Are you overemotional?

What was the last thing that made you think it was absolutely beautiful?

Pineapple on pizza, yes or no, and why?

Do you possess any hidden/”useless” talent?

Tagging:

All of my wonderful followers ♥

[pixeldreqms]

mothers day 2020 

when it comes to his mother, ian wishes he felt more warmth. warmth from her, warmth for her. when he was a little boy, he used to look up at his mom and think he was so safe with her. he thought his mom was the one person he could rely on. he was a little kid then. he didn't know any better. now, he's learned that that's not really the reality. she never puts his safety first, she's never there for him emotionally, she rarely hugs him and makes him feel wanted. his views of his mother at the age of seven and now at seventeen have changed, drastically, and it's made a lot of things harder than necessary. not the biggest example, but a relevant one, is that he doesn't know what to say in her mother's day card. he buys one that has some generic, cheesy quote in it and scribbles an additional 'happy mothers day, i love you!' and his name. she hardly smiles when he gives it to her. she seems to like the flowers a little more. but only a little. he doesn't know what to say when she guilts him into a social media post either. he hadn't planned on doing one at all. then she comes into the kitchen, purposely talking about how sweet and touching all the mothers day posts on instagram were. "did you see atticus' post with his mother?" she asks. "wasn't that so sweet of him?" so he posts one. doesn't even try to bullsh*t any fake sappy caption. he doesn't hate his mom, even though parts of him want to. she is his mom. he has to acknowledge that. but he can't lie and pretend they're the sentimental types when it comes to one another. he's not sure where he gets his soft side, actually. it's certainly not genetic. he didn't know what to say when netflix had wanted him to film a happy mothers day message last time he was doing media with them. he doesn't have funny nicknames with her to share with an audience. no silly childhood anecdotes. he doesn't have cute stories. the first story that comes to mind when he's prompted is the time when he was eleven, and his mother was so frustrated with him that she sat at the kitchen table with her head in her hands and told him that she wished she'd caught her pregnancy just a few weeks earlier so she wouldn't have to deal with him. he hadn't understood what she meant by that then, but it still hurt. a few years later, it clicked. it hurt worse then. he's never forgotten that. trying to comfort him once a couple of years ago, the first time he'd ever told anyone, a friend had told him, "she was just mad, ian, there's no way she meant that." but she did. she felt it then and she feels it now. he can see it in her face every time she's mad at him. every time he disappoints her. she never wanted him and she only sometimes likes him now because his career gives her the lifestyle she wants. it's conditional love. but that's not a story he can share. sometimes he thinks he should, just to see what happens. but he doesn't. he knows better. because it'd feel good in the moment to finally get that off his chest, to let her know he remembers, to see the shock on her face. but it wouldn't feel good after, when she was so visibly disgusted with him. making him feel little just by looking at him. her love may be conditional, but he craves it more than anything. it's why he still works so hard to please her. why he'll feel such disdain for his own sister on the days their mother praises her and shames ian. a part of him may want to hate her, but at the end of the day, he's just a boy who wants his mother to love him. he's never felt that, but he hasn't given up hope just yet.

[pixeldreqms]

september 2018 

there's an estimated forty days left of filming and already, ian's dreading the end. he's been trying harder to enjoy the little moments, and not just be miserable because he knows they won't last forever. it's hard, but he's trying. he's almost never as happy as he is when he's with these people, his fellow losers, and he doesn't want to waste the time he has left with them.

forty days.

probably closer to thirty nine now since it's past midnight. one more day down. but that's something he's not letting himself linger on. instead, his eyes settle on kennedy who is getting his ass kicked in a video game but is still laughing so loud that the sound is filling the entire basement of the rented house. he focuses on that sound and can't help but smile. he focuses on it and he swears every sad thought in his head floats away, just like that.

he accepted earlier in the summer that his feelings for kenny weren't as platonic as he had originally thought. but in his defense, he was only twelve when they first met. he had a lot of figuring out to do.

he's figured it out now.

he loves all his friends, strongly and deeply, and he's a little co-dependent with more than a couple of them. if he goes a day without talking to evan, he genuinely misses him. he goes out of his way to visit the burgess' at every given chance. each member of the cast has expressed annoyance with the way he spams the group chat while they're all asleep. he's entirely convinced he needs june to survive. and he feels all that with kenny, too, so it took him some time to realize just how much more he felt. and how he felt things for him that went well beyond the things he felt for everyone else he loved.

he doesn't get an overwhelming urge to lean in and kiss any of his other friends when they get too close, for starters. that was a big tip off for ian.

kenny jokingly winked at him once and he felt like someone had lit him on fire.

he constantly found himself shoving others aside just to stand by him in group photos or to sit by him on a couch during a movie.

his own behavior should have been a giveaway right away, but he's not exactly very experienced in that area. not in just dating, but even with liking people. he's only really had one real crush before, and he'd been twelve. and he'd never liked one of his guy friends before either - but he'd accepted that fact easily. given how many male tv characters he'd been infatuated with over the years, and his long-standing secret harry styles obsession that started back when he was ten years old, he'd always suspected he wasn't totally straight. he still hasn't slapped a label on himself yet, but he doesn't think he needs to know for sure what he is to know that he definitely has feelings for kenny.

feelings that are so intense that sometimes he can't even think about anything else. feelings that are so all-consuming that all he wants to talk about 24/7 is kenny and he has to force himself, multiple times a day, to shut up about him or else he'll give himself away or let too much slip. and he knows better than to say anything, to kenny, or to anyone.

but god he wants to.

he's kept this feeling bottled up for months now, though it feels like so much longer, and sometimes he feel like he's gonna burst from how bad he wants to talk about it. his journal only has so many pages he can wax poetic about kenny onto, and he's sure even the inanimate object is sick of hearing about his crush. he needs a pair of real ears. and maybe someone to tell him he's not stupid or crazy for falling for his best friend. because boy oh boy does he feel like he is sometimes.

evan's loud hooping and hollering covers up the sound of kenny's laughter, and ian rolls his eyes but can't help but grin in amusement. his victory had been predicted since mid-game, but evan was still celebrating like he'd done something impressive.

in an attempt to show kenny support, ian raises his arm and gives evan and his win a thumbs down. "booooooo."

he gets two middle fingers raised at him for his efforts. he thinks that's all he's getting in return for voicing his disapproval, until evan drops the controller and comes flying past the gaming area, past the couch, and leaping onto ian where he's sprawled across a huge bean bag chair.

"hey, i wanted to play the winner!" jeremy shouts from the couch in front of the tv, where the other four teenagers had been sat, partially watching the game, partially on their phones, mostly having their own conversations.

ian easily could have squeezed in with them, but he couldn't resist a good bean bag. plus, he was closer to the little mini bar area that this place had. the bar itself wasn't stocked with alcohol, not that ian cares or jeremy's mom would have let them drink anyway, but she kept the shelves and mini fridge stocked. ian likes being close to the snacks.

"well i'm over here now!" evan yells back. the loud volume right in ian's ear makes him wince. "play the loser. kenny, that's you. you're the loser."

ian shoves evan off of him and onto the floor. "dick."

"no," evan says, rejecting his removal from the chair. "move your ass."

"no." but he does it anyway. he can't move much or else he'd be on the floor, because yes it's a big seat, but they're both months away from being sixteen and are not the same small twelve year olds they'd been when they first met. they've hit massive growth spurts since then. sharing small spaces isn't as easy as it once was, but it doesn't stop them from trying. evan ends up with one of his legs completely over ian's and their shoulders pressed together. ian lets it happen, but he's still mildly annoyed about it. "wow, this is so comfortable. i'm so glad you came all the way over here to dig your elbow into my stomach. feels great."

"are you saying you don't want to sit with me, you a**hole?" evan asks.

evan's elbow digs deeper into his side and ian's pretty sure it's on purpose. he grimaces and shifts as much as he can but still doesn't move out of the seat.

"that's literally exactly what i'm saying, yeah. you stink."

the bickering continues, because it never really ends with them. there's an almost constant flow of jokes and jabs between them. but for as much as they give each other sh*t, him and evan have definitely had their fair share of genuine moments between them. anytime ian has an anxiety attack in a group setting, evan's one of a few who knows how to calm him. ian's called him crying about his family or about wanting to go home more than once. there was also the time on set during their first movie together where after an intense, emotional scene, they'd both cried and hugged each other until they got it out of their system. sometimes his relationship with evan reminds him of his relationship with his sister, and the way they can pick and pick at each other, but at the end of the day, they'd die for one another.

it's just really fun to insult each other, so they do it often.

eventually, after evan shouts at ian to eat an ass, they're informed they're being too loud.

anna, the only girl in a group of boys, shushes them with so much aggression that it terrifies ian a little. she puts up with so much nonsense every time she hangs out with them, he's just waiting for the day she finally snaps. he knows he doesn't want it to be his fault, so he does as he's told and shushes.

"they're all haters," evan mutters.

ian nods. "they wanna be us so bad."

and just like that, they're on the same team again.

ian feels a vibration against his leg and realizes his phone's fallen under his thigh. as he digs it out, he sees evan's own attention has momentarily returned to the game on the tv just as the loading screen transitions back into gameplay, so he feels less bad about checking it. reading kenny's name on his screen, he visibly lights up, grinning at the text.

'if he's being a dick, come escape and play me next,' kenny has written.

ian quickly types back. 'he's not, but i might anyway. wanna be next to kick your ass.'

he glances across the room, but he can't see kenny at all where he's sitting on the floor in front of the couch, so he has no idea if he's grinning as big as ian is just from seeing a new text from him. he can't imagine he is, but it's still a nice thought. as soon as the round on the tv ends and the loading screen is back up, kenny starts typing.

'I THINK I'M WINNING THIS TIME.'

ian's smile widens, his cheeks sore from it, but he doesn't get a chance to start replying before -

"is it a meme?" evan asks, neck craning to look. ian clicks back to his homescreen quickly.

"is what a meme?"

evan slumps back a little once ian drops his phone to his lap. "whatever you were staring at like that."

"no, or - yeah." he answers, then changes his answer when he realizes he can't tell him what he was actually grinning at.

he wasn't as subtle as he had hoped.

"you lookin' at something nasty?" evan asks. "you fvcking freak?"

ian blinks, then deadpans, "yes. i'm looking at something nasty while surrounded by my friends. with you practically in my lap. you caught me."

"thought so. looking like a blushing school girl over here." that one's a little too close to home considering he feels like a smitten school girl every time he sees or talks to kenny, so ian shoves evan for it. he almost rolls over the edge of the seat but gets a palm on the ground to steady himself. "come on. seriously. what was it? what's so secret?"

"fvck, you're nosy."

"invested in your life," evan corrects him.

"nosy," ian insists.

evan gives him a look, a raised brow and a silent dude, come on, tell me, and ian takes a breath.

he reminds himself there's a reason he's kept this secret so under wraps. as much as he wants to scream from the rooftop how much he likes kenny, the risk of him finding out isn't worth it. he'd ruin not only their friendship, but probably the entire group. they'd never be able to all be together. not with kenny inevitably being weirded out by ian's crush, and ian being too mortified to be around him anymore. the rest of filming would be a nightmare. getting through press and the promotion would be torture. he'd lose his favorite person.

nothing good could possibly come from people knowing.  

then, he reminds himself this is evan. they may thrive off of giving each other sh*t, but he can trust him. he's never let him down before. not when it mattered. if there's anyone he can tell and trust they won't screw him over by letting it slip, he feels like it's evan.

if for no other reason than he'd suffer, too. not just because ian would never forgive him, but he'd hate it if the group dynamic was thrown out of wack, too.

evan feels like a safe place to finally be honest.

so he exhales, and speaks.

"it was a - i was looking at something from - it's a someone."

a bit of a rocky start, but he got where he was trying to go after a few attempts.

"you have a someone?" evan asks, seeming mildly offended that this isn't information he was already privy to. "someone i don't know about?"

"i don't really have someone," ian tells him. "i just... want to. i want to be with them."

"who is she?"

"it's..." ian's voice is barely a whisper at this point. "it's not a girl..."

the silence that follows is the longest, most anxiety inducing silence ian has ever experienced. it can't be more than twenty seconds, probably not even that long, before evan speaks again but it feels like a lifetime. he doesn't know why he's so nervous about the reaction to this. he knows evan well enough to know he won't care, but people can be surprising in the worst ways sometimes. and he's never done this before. he's pretty sure his sister has an inkling, but he's never come out and admitted it to her. this is the first time he's having the actual conversation and god it's fvcking terrifying. he kind of wants to cry suddenly but he's really holding himself together.

even while fearing and preparing himself for the worst, he mostly expects evan to react with some generic but kind sentiment. a that's okay with me, dude or an i love and accept you, pal.

that's not what he gets.

after a moment, evan's brow furrows, his head tilts just slightly, and he asks, as sincere as can be, "man, is it me?"

it's just what ian needs to hear to ease his tension. he throws his head back and lets out a cackle. the ache in his stomach is no longer due to nerves, but from how hard he's laughing. "absolutely fvcking -" he has to stop, pausing as he got through another fit of laughter. "oh, absolutely fvcking not."

a tear rolls down his cheek and he flicks it away as he finally starts to calm down. then he gets a good look at how unamused evan looks and it sets him off again.

"okay, it's not me, i got it!" evan says in a hushed whisper, just loud enough to be heard over the sound of ian's own laughter. "who is it then?"

the nerves are back, suddenly. and again, he doesn't even know why. he wants this. he wants to be able to talk to someone about his feelings. he wants evan to know. but his palms are still sweating.

"you can't tell him," ian says softly. "i'll literally strangle you. you have to swear."

"i swear," he assures him. "so it's someone i know?"

he's pretty sure evan knows everyone ian knows. even his few remaining guy friends from back home, evan's met. but he doesn't remind him of that now, just nods and confirms. "yeah. it's someone you know."

"who? i'm not gonna tell, ian."

nervously, he glances towards the couch, just to make sure the game was still being played and their entire group of friends hadn't turned around to stare and listen to his confession. all he sees are the backs of heads, and he can hear everyone's laughter mixed with anna's muffled trash talk as she has a go at the game. no one's paying attention to him except for evan.

for some reason, he's having a hard time looking at him. the hardest part is already over, he tells himself, just spit his name out. but he's also telling himself that it's not too late and he can keep this secret to himself. evan would be annoyed about the cliffhanger, but ian could deal with that easier than he could deal with other possible outcomes of telling him.

no. he's doing this.

suck it the fvck up.

with his eyes on the back of the couch, in the smallest voice possible, he admits, "kenny."

he doesn't know what evan's initial reaction is, because it takes a few seconds for him to finally meet his eyes again, but when he does look at him again, his face isn't easy to read. he doesn't look shocked, exactly - and really, given that ian is arguably closest to kenny and evan out of everyone, it probably wasn't the most surprising name he could have said. if anything, he looks... confused?

"you're not gonna tell him, are you?" ian asks, misreading the look as inner turmoil about not wanting to keep a secret from their other best friend.

that's not at all what it is.

"no, i said i'm not," evan huffs. "but, why the fvck is it not me?"

"i'm - i'm sorry?" ian says, because what else does he say to that? "are you offended that i don't have a crush on you?"

"am i not cute?"

"evan, this isn't how people are supposed to react to sh*t like this -"

"i just can't believe out of everyone - kenny." he whispers it, at least. "and not me? really?"

"i'd love it if you weren't so fvcking weird about this."

"i'm not being weird! it being me just would have made sense, is all i'm saying."

ian squints. "and it being kenny doesn't make sense?"

evan sighs, falling back into the chair a little. "yeah, i guess it does. it does."

"just to make sure - " ian says, putting a hand up. "you don't - i mean, you're not upset because you like - "

"ew, don't even say it. i don't like you."

it's ian's turn to sigh and lean back into the seat. "okay, cool. you're just... fvcking weird. that's good to know."

there's a moment of silence and ian just breathes. he did it. he did it and nothing's changed, nothing world shattering happened. he feels like a weight's been lifted, just by telling one person. it feels really good. even if it didn't go how he'd have imagined it to. still good.

"knew it couldn't have been a meme you were looking at," evan says a minute later. "the memes you send are never that funny."

ian scoffs. "fvck you. i send the funniest memes."

"willow sends the funniest memes."

"you're gonna go to hell for saying sh*t like that. lying is a fcking sin."

"is it?"

ian pauses.

"... i'm not sure. i think so. did neither of us go to church growing up? that kind of explains a lot."

there's an angry cry from the front of the room that draws their attention. anna curses, followed by kenny laughing. once again, ian smiles at the sound.

the laughter, not the cursing.

"did kenny actually win?!" evan shouts over to the rest of the group.

kenny and anna stand up as the other three perk up on the couch to look over at the two in the bean bag.

"i've been winning!" kenny calls back.

jeremy chimes in. "he's on a winning streak!"

"more like a cheating streak," anna mumbles.

"he's beaten everyone except evan," jeremy says.

"ahem!" evan waves a hand, gesturing to ian. "not everyone except evan. let ian at him."

ian tries to suppress his grin. he'd been so worried about the bad outcomes of telling evan, but he hadn't considered all the good reasons. like evan helping him get closer to kenny. even just in little ways, like playing video games. maybe this was a better idea than he thought.

he meets kenny's eyes and when kenny smiles at him, he can't hide his own anymore.

"ian?" kenny asks. "you want the winner?"

evan nudges ian in the side, winking at him as they make eye contact and calling out to kenny, "yeah, he does."

on second thought, he might end up regretting it.