#○・ﾟ╰ a voice calling out in the lashing wind / psa

[onisiondrama]

PART 10 - videos #18 & 19

(Click here for video mirrors) - These are not my words or thoughts, I’m just summarizing what Greg / James is saying in his videos. Apologies for any offensive language or comments that may appear. - I am not repeating stories anymore and will replace these stories with brackets describing what he’s talking about. If you don’t know these stories you’re going to have to go back and read previous parts or watch his previous videos.

just super...

- Greg says basically every commentary channel has made videos about him. Says this is because they noticed he stayed quiet for so long so they felt safe, like predators, to approach and attack. They think now it’s safe to make a video and they could say whatever they want. Everyone will believe it because there’s no other side to the story. Now that they know the truth, what are they going to do? [Sarah blackmailed them, apologized] Now these channels have a choice to make. Are they going to ignore his detailed recalling of everything that happened, which is documented? Says if you look back at his old videos about these things his statements all match. He doesn’t have time to watch these old boring videos to get his stories straight. If you go back and watch there will only be a 5% error and that’s from memory problems, it was 8 years ago and some details might be blurry. - Says this is a consistent story line of him enduring crazy bitch after crazy bitch and dumping them for being crazy bitches. Like Billie. When they broke up with her she slept with a drunk dude. Sounds like she r-a-p-e-d him, unless she was drunk too then they r-a-p-e-d each other. She just casually went out and slept with someone and when he said they could get back together she said they might not want that. He told her she wasn’t dating them so it’s fine. The dude had whisky dick. - PSA to people, you don’t sleep with people when they’re intoxicated [mind blown gesture]. VeeOneEye allegedly slept with a 15 year old when she was drunk and everyone loves him now. Back then he admitted to what he did and no one cares anymore. People selectively decide to forget. When someone’s drunk they can’t consent. - Says he always wanted to pursue a relationship with his ex sister-in-law someday. They were three years apart. He was 18 and she was 15 or 16. He didn’t pursue that because it was weird. One night she was drunk and she tried to kiss him when they were alone. He dodged it, he moved his head and she missed kissing him entirely. Later that night they held hands until the morning. In the morning she said “what the F”, not realizing she held hands with him all night. As he understands, she tells the story differently, which is weird because she was drunk. - He says people talk about the FBI as if they’re so interested in someone who slept with an 18 1/2 year old. [Sarah blackmailed them, apologized] Seems like you should investigate her. He would press charges, but he can’t prove it happened. He didn’t voice record everything that was said. She apparently held onto a laptop for years and somehow just now came across things that were offensive to them? There would instantly be SWAT on someone who actually had that. She’s a liar and says she has evidence, but nothing happens. He’s telling the truth, but has no evidence so nothing happens. He can’t do a rape kit because it was a legal thing and not a psychical force thing. People say he’s older so he can’t he raped, that’s rape apology. He respected that she acknowledged what she did and apologized, but apparently she didn’t mean it because she denied it later on. What happened between the apology and now? Was it that he said he can’t handle people with BPD in a video? Says if you’re medicated you’re probably fine, but if not people with BPD are a problem to people around them. They get crazy emotional, mix up stories, it’s a psychotic world to be in. When they’re mad at you, you feel like you’re going to get murdered. They look at you with black eyes, like Sarah. They have no love for you and the rage they have for you builds up inside and they get a murderous feeling. Someone said she doesn’t have BPD, then what did she have? She was taking medication. She took his video about BPD personally and that’s when she launched the malicious and vindictive attack on him. He stayed silent because he didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but it’s gone too far and he has to defend himself. - He heard nothing from the FBI. The only thing he head from the police is that people online are crazy. They were professional until they went on a livestream. That’s so weird to go on a livestream and imply he’s guilty with no proof. - Someone tried to SWAT them. Allegedly it’s because Hansen paid someone to dox them. That’s according to Chris’ former Facebook page Vince took over. Vince probably knows a lot of dirt on Hansen, so if you want dirt you should go to Vince. This is why you don’t burn bridges when you’re running a corrupt investigation because you’ll wind up getting what you give. When you go after someone who is innocent and tell the world they’re guilty it’s going to come back to bite you in the butt. Sometimes what’s biting you in the butt is someone finally standing up for themselves and pointing out what a liar and fraud you are. Tells Hansen to stop being a con artist. [Hansen’s financial issues, went to jail]

email

- Reads an email from someone who apologizes for being unfairly biased toward him. They say they didn’t know how to contact him without buying the perk on his channel. He says he does that to filter out trolls. They say they were biased because they were assaulted in the past. He says that happens to him a lot, people compare him to their ex who did bad things to them. He’s not like their ex because they probably broke up with their ex for being a creep, but he breaks up with people for being a creep. [Locked in the garage story, door frame story] - This person says they can’t find a single thing Greg did wrong. He says he could have been more gentle with rejecting people, but he doesn’t let people down easy. - They say Kai was the real victim, everyone was consenting adults. Greg agrees and clarifies Shiloh wasn’t technically an adult at 17 1/2, but was legal. [Kai wanted to be Sarah’s friend, Sarah pressured him.] Greg says it was like trickery on his part because he would kiss Kai, then pull Sarah over. He and Sarah did that to Kai. Person says it’s probably harder on Kai since he’s trans and has dysphoria. Greg says a lot of dysphoria, Kai talks about slicing off his boobs all the time. - Person says people probably believe Hansen because he’s famous, but he’s not professional and a fraud. Greg agrees and says Hansen is creepy. [Chris’ wife left him] - Person says they are glad Greg told Tobuscus to speak up. Greg says when Tobuscus spoke up everyone embraced but, but Greg is a different case. He doesn’t expect to be embraced. People want to love Tobuscus, but Greg is hated. The difference is Greg calls people “fucking asshole morons” and Tobuscus doesn’t. People run on emotions, not mentally, so they lash out at him because he hurt their feelings. People are morons and he’s not going to suck everyone D’s because he wants their approval. That’s the attribute of an honest person, you can’t say what everyone wants to hear. If they do they’re lying. Says there was a guy who lied about people’s stocks always going up and now he’s jail. Never trust someone who pretends to be perfect. Greg says he has admitted his many faults. - This person says they were a Patreon before everything went down and apologizes. Greg says because he wasn’t saying anything people thought he was guilty. Even though it should be innocent until proven guilty. Karma will come around for them. - He says deep fakes aren’t 100% there yet and you can see blurs on the necks. He thinks in the year 2100 the concept of reality won’t exist because everything will be so easily deep faked on camera. No one will know what’s real. [Saw screenshots of people threatening to deep fake him.] He says he’s seen fake screen shots of his twitter. They’re just hurting their case. He doesn’t care because he’s innocent either way. [Sarah apologized for r-a-p-e] This is the reason this has been going on for months and months. People have jack shit. Says this is what happens when you pin your career on a lie, Hansen. Now you have to pay the price when your house of cards falls apart. This is Hansen’s life now until he takes responsibility. Hansen is going after someone innocent pretending to be a hero. White knights always end up villains. 

[jimlingss]

Tell Me Lies [Prologue]

Prologue | Part 1 | Interlude | Part 2 [Finale]

➜ Words: 3.3k

➜ Genres: ????? (ooooh it’s a surprise), Spin off of ????

➜ PSA: don’t steal.

Blind. People have always been easy to trick, caught within the bubble of their lives, in the midst of pretentious phone calls or frivolous conversations, masking perfection for others, leading their chaotic lifestyles with short attention spans. They fail to notice their own surroundings, the little details that go unnoticed; from cheeks that are too hollow, marks of hunger and exhaustion made, to the clothes that are frayed at the hem, a trace of the second-hand material.   When people are happy and comfortable, there is no need to pay attention to the world outside.   “E-excuse me!” A young lady’s shoulder roughly collides with another. He’s rushing past, head downcasted, face covered by his black hoodie, and he doesn’t even spare a single glance or give an apology. She huffs out in annoyance, left to pick up her belongings off the ground.   You immediately stand from your seat, scowling at the stranger whose backside is disappearing, and you lean down, helping the woman. “Some people can be so rude.”   “Tell me about it.” In the grand restaurant, the noisy background of business conversations and meaningless chatter, the female laughs, easing the tension between her brows. The jewels of her necklace and the diamond on her finger sparkles in the chandelier’s shimmer. She glances up at you as you begin to shuffle her pens, paper, lipstick tubes and tissues back into her purse. “Thank you for your help.”   The both of you rise to your feet again and you give her designer handbag back. “No problem, Ms. Jeon.”   “Oh.” She’s surprised at how you directly address her, and she pushes a curl away from her face, batting her lashes once when she blinks. “I’m sorry. You are..?”   “I’m Seulgi, Kang Seulgi. I think my dad and your husband are business partners...or something like that. I dunno.” You give a sheepish smile, shrugging your shoulders slightly. “We met a while back.”   “R-right!” The pretty woman, no more than twenty-five, blushes from embarrassment, trying to recall the last dinner party. “I can’t believe I don’t remember. I must be getting old.”   “No, you’re not.” A giggle bubbles from your mouth and she smiles. “We all forget things sometimes, it’s okay. Actually, speaking of my dad, he’s coming with my mom in like five minutes. We’re having a family dinner today. They’re treating me since I’m turning fourteen on the weekend!”   “That’s so sweet,” she coos, her heart melting at the thought. “Congratulations, for turning fourteen, sweetheart.”   “Thank you.” Your arms are behind your back and you’re standing on the tips of your toes, rocking back on your heels every once in a while. Your pink dress is a bit wrinkled, the bows on it scrunched but it adds to your soft charm. “Do you actually mind if you sit here for a moment? They should be arriving soon but I don’t think they know where I’m sitting. I’d just go grab them.”   “Oh, of course. I have a date with my husband tonight, but he isn’t here right now.” The young woman scans the premise and then offers another smile. She takes a seat at the round table and gestures towards you. “Go ahead.”   “Thank you so much.” You dip your head in appreciation, ready to turn on your heel. “I’ll be right back.”   The strides of your steps are calm and constant. There’s no last glimpse taken as you weave through the tables and chairs of affluent people, marching straight out of the door.   It takes a mere five minutes. Five minutes before the waiter saunters to the table and slaps down a long piece of paper. “This is your bill, ma'am.”   “Bill?” The young newlywed immediately frowns. It’s almost comical, the way she stares up in confusion at the server. “There must be a misunderstanding. This table hasn’t ordered yet.”   The man in the red vest isn’t impressed, his brows lifting, and he clears his throat once. “There isn’t a misunderstanding, ma’am. Three people sat here and ate an entire meal, and we just cleared off the table a moment ago. The bill still needs to be paid.”   “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” She becomes defensive, hugging her purse to her chest and sitting straight to counter him. “I’m not even supposed to be here. My reservation is over there. I’m just sitting here because—”   “If you can’t pay the bill, then I will have to grab the manager, ma’am,” the waiter interrupts in a clipped tone, adamant and impatient.   She is completely baffled, muttering incessantly about the regrets the entire restaurant will have when they realize their mistake and just how important she is. The woman opens her leather purse, nearly ripping off the zipper in irritation, and she fishes for her wallet. The search begins with fury before it morphs to bewilderment and then into desperation. She’s scrambling for her belongings, dumping out the items inside onto the white-clothed table and opens her mouth before closing it like a fish out of water. In the meanwhile, the waiter is tapping his foot, arms crossed, and unimpressed at the whole ordeal.   “I—...I don’t have my wallet!” She nearly screeches and several patrons turn around from the noise, meal disturbed by her loud volume. “I dropped all my stuff earlier and—...and—”   The blindness pulls back like a curtain, light piercing through her pupils and finally, she can see. Realization hits her like a bullet train, the woman finally becoming aware of her surroundings, but it happens too late. Now, not only is the waiter waiting for her, the owner of the establishment has also paraded on the scene and all the customers are staring from their peripheral vision.   People are blind—   That makes deception all too easy.   Survival of the fittest and every man for themselves. In the short years that you’ve been on this planet, if there’s anything that you learnt, it would be to protect yourself first and foremost. If you don’t take care of yourself, no one else will. But, maybe there are two exceptions to that rule.   “Y/N!”   There’s a shout of your name from the distance and you leap down the hill, making your way to the two boys standing by the empty railway tracks. One of them is blonde, ruffled bangs almost in their eyes, black hoodie hanging off his frame and the other is brunette, his crinkled eye-smile already welcoming you back.   “What the hell took you so long?” The former bemoans, lowering his shoulders and giving you an exasperated expression. “We were waiting for ages.”   “Shut up, alright?” You move to dig your hands into your pockets, used to the movement, but you forget the tight attire that you’re wearing. “God, all you do is complain. You’re so annoying.”   He stamps his foot childishly. “I do not just complain!”   “Yeah, you bumped into her, whoop-de-doo. Anyone can do that job, dumbass.” You roll your eyes before moving to scratch your arms. The frilly material was grating against your skin and the shivers of the cold wind weren’t helping. It was times like these you wondered why the damn sun didn’t do its job, even when it was so bright outside. “Ugh, this dress is so itchy. I hate pink! Where did you even get this thing?!”   The corner of his lips curl. “Where your mom left you — the dumpster!”   A muscle in your cheek twitches and you jump to tackle him down. “I’m going to kill you, Kim Taehyung!”   He giggles, a box shape plastered across his face and swelling into his cheeks. His legs tremble as they try to hold him upright, even when you’re on his back, pounding him with your little fists. “I’d like to see you try—!”   “Will you two stop fighting already?” The brunette boy forcibly peels you off and drags you back on your feet. He holds the two of you apart and frowns. “It’s giving me a headache. Taehyung, you’re not being funny. Stop it.”   “You’re always taking her side, Jimin!”   The shrill protest is ignored and he turns to you. “And Y/N, stop being so mean to Taehyung.”   You openly scoff. “He started it!”   “Y/N.” His brown irises meet yours, timbre dropping a pitch, attempting to sound stern and intimidating. It doesn’t really work. At least not with his squeaky voice and adorable appearance, chubby cheeks, cute eyes and the entire nine yards. Still, you know better than to make him angry and you quiet down. “We’re a team and you guys fight too much. How are we supposed to get anything done? It feels like I’m doing all the work here.”   Jimin lets out a dramatic sigh. “You’re both too immature.”   “Immature?!”   It’s an explosion of rage and shouts.   “Excuse me?!” You scoff again. “The only thing you do is look at the reservation list and find people's names. Okay, I’m the one doing all the work here in this little ‘team’.”   At the same time, Taehyung knocks his head back, staring up at the cerulean sky. “Wow, I can’t believe you’d say I’m immature. I know I daydream a lot and I do a lot of dumb things, but I’m not stupid, you know. All of this was my idea anyways, you guys are just helping.”   “Okay, okay! I get it.” Jimin sheepishly grins, holding up his hands for mercy. “See? You two can work well together...if you’re trying to gang up on me.”   “Psh.” The trio of you begin walking, following the train tracks like you so often do, letting it lead you to the next destination. Regardless of the endless bantering and the petty arguments, it’s times like these that you feel the most at peace.   It’s as if the entire universe only belongs to the three of you.   “We only work well together if you make us.”   Your eyes roll once more. “If it weren’t for you, Jimin, I probably would’ve already punched him in the face.”   While you may be barely scraping by, you’re happy. There’s no need to pay attention to the world outside when you’re stuck in your bubble, the little world that belongs to kids who are no longer kids but not adults yet either. And maybe in that sense, you are also blinded.   “Uh, you throw like a girl.”   His little smirk provokes you even more and you take a step forward. “You wanna say that again?”   Like the coward that he is, Taehyung hides behind Jimin, and the latter raises his arm before you can launch. “Enough, stop it. I get it, I get it.” Jimin, the official peace-maker, exhales when you both return by his side without scraping each other’s faces into bits. “Let’s talk about something more important. What did you get Taehyung?”   He hums, pulling out a wad of cash from his pocket and counting through the bills. “Two hundo.”   People in luxurious restaurants outright leave tips on the tables and it’s easy to snag, especially for Taehyung’s slippery hands. On the other hand, you carry a different set of talents, primarily in speaking and charming others, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t slick either.   “She got a bunch of cards we can’t use.” You pluck the shiny plastic rectangles out from the woman’s wallet and toss them behind your shoulder, examining every inch of the leather. “Oh, six hundred in cash. Not bad.”   “So, that’s nine hundred. We get three hundred each,” Jimin deducts and you begin dividing the cash up evenly. “That, plus the entire meal we ate.”   Taehyung smiles, pocketing his share of the money and kicking a rock with his worn sneakers. “Should last us the rest of the week.”   “Hmm, I’ll search for a different place.” You’re already beginning to plan for the next trip, trying to consider all the locations that you’ve been to before. Typically, Jimin’s the mastermind behind the plans, strategizing and making arrangements, but lately you’ve been helping him. With time, things are becoming more complicated. “We should...aim higher.”   Taehyung picks up a stick to hurl, throwing it far like he wants a non-existent dog to catch it, and then quirks his head over to you. “What do you mean?”   “I dunno.” You shrug. “I just...I don’t know how long this can last us. There’s only so much petty theft and scamming we can do and there’s only so many restaurants and people to steal from. Every other day, we’re doing this and I think we should...invest.”   Jimin stares at you. “Invest?”   “We should do something bigger.” The more you talk about it, the more excited you get and so does Taehyung. You open your arms wide to the horizon of the sky, letting the sun beam down on you even if it doesn’t provide much warmth on this chilly day. The possibilities seem endless and your blind confidence extends even more so. “Like one giant scheme and be done with it! We wouldn’t have to keep stealing little by little, and we’d be rich!”   “I like the sound of that.” Taehyung’s humongous grin is infectious, and he turns to his other partner in crime. “What do you think, Chim? One big scheme, and we’d be swimming in cash! We’d buy a mansion somewhere in the mountains or something! All three of us living it up for the rest of our lives!”   “Maybe. We would need to plan a lot though.” Jimin smiles and you both watch as the gears in his head begin turning. “And as usual, we would only take from criminals or the wealthy. Not the poor or innocent.”   “I think we can agree on that,” Taehyung says, and you nod along. It goes quiet for a moment, Jimin considering the prospects while you wonder about the future. Then suddenly, Taehyung stops in his tracks. “Oh my god.”   “What?”   “What’s wrong?”   The pair of you are immediately on alert. The boy’s jaw has dropped, his eyes squinted into the distance like he thought of the best idea that’ll land everyone into a whirlwind of success but—   “That cloud looks like a perfect square! Do you see that?! Look!”   He’s pointing to the sky and then takes off, running and shouting about how it’s even possible. You and Jimin exchange looks and mutually sigh. “Why is he such an idiot?”   “God knows.” The boy beside you laughs, a chirpy sound that rings pleasantly in your ear, and after a moment, he peels off his navy blue hoodie, draping the fabric over your head. “Put it on.”   “What?” His scent has completely enveloped you but you tug on it, holding it in your hands to stare at him. “What about you?”   “I’m okay.” He smiles, his black and white striped shirt oversized on his body and the sleeves almost reaching to the end of his fingertips. If he’s cold, he doesn’t show it. “I know you don’t like wearing dresses and you look like you’re freezing.”   “Thanks,” you grumble in a pout, putting the sweater on and glad that it does indeed shield you from the brisk breeze. “Hey, Jimin.”   “Hmm?” When you suddenly stop, leaving Taehyung wandering ahead by himself, Jimin halts as well. He turns to face you, concern written across his features. It’s not often that you call him so softly and quietly. “What’s the matter?”   You reach down and over, taking his soft hand and opening up his palm. “Take it.”   He looks down at the crumple of cash, your share, now in his possessions. You let go and Jimin lifts his chin, his eyes boring in yours, gazing deep into your irises. “But what about you?”   “I don’t need it. I know your mom needs it more and it’s not like I have parents. So…” You give a meager shrug, diverting your vision elsewhere, away from his intense eyes and you begin to walk again. “I’d rather put it to good use. Just take it.”   He catches up with your quick strides, the corner of his mouth upturned. “Thank you.”   “Uh-huh.” You try to evade the touchy-feely conversation that you sense is arising. “Yeah.”   “No, I mean it, Y/N.” But unlike so many times before, this time, Jimin doesn’t let you brush it off. He puts a firm hand on your shoulder, stopping you mid-step, and then he turns you, reaching over until your chin is hooked on his shoulder, and he’s hugging you. “Thank you.”   It’s a bit awkward — at least for you it is. His arms are wrapped around your back, and he’s holding you so close, in a way that you’re not used to. You’re standing stiff as a board, arms at your side, even leaning away, backwards, from his touch but Jimin doesn’t let you escape. Your cheek is squished against his and the brat is practically squashing you for dear life, utilizing the rare chance he has at embracing you.   His murmur tickles your ear, “I don’t know what I would do without you or Tae. Thank you for being with me.”   At this age, your heights match….well, you’re sure that you’re a bit taller than him (despite Jimin arguing otherwise) — though, you’re also certain one day he’ll outgrow you. He’ll be taller, stronger, more reliable. You’re looking forward for such a day to arrive.   “Uh-huh.” You begin to ease, relaxing and even welcoming his affection. Jimin and Taehyung were always clingy from the beginning, the former more towards you, but even after four years, it still catches you by surprise. “Are you gonna cry?”   “I don’t know. Maybe.”   You can practically hear Jimin smiling and your own lips begin to move against your will. “You’re gonna get your own hoodie wet.”   When Jimin realizes that you won’t peel him off just yet, he steals the opportunity and nuzzles into you, digging his face into your shoulder and breathing in your scent. “Don’t care.”   If you were completely honest with yourself, you don’t know what you would do without the pair of them either. Those two idiots are the biggest blessing of your life. “Taehyung’s gonna make fun of you.”   “I don’t care about that either.” It’s weird for him to be hugging you in the middle of nowhere, next to some train tracks and a grassy field that’s been trashed by litter. Moreover, the minute Taehyung snaps back to reality and wanders back, whining about how slow you two walk, only to realize that you’re hugging, his face will twist in disgust, and he’s gonna complain even louder.   ‘Ewwwww, what the hell are you guys doing?! Gross! Get outta here!’   But like Jimin, you find yourself not caring either. For once, you savour the comfort Jimin provides, raising your hands to pat him gently on his back, something you’re aware his mother does.   He hums for a moment and then finally pulls away, smiling at you so brightly that his face might break. “You know, you act really mean and hardcore sometimes, Y/N, but I know that’s all fake.”   “What?”   Jimin giggles and ruffles your hair, making a mess of your head and patting you like you’re his pet. You immediately scowl, slapping his hand away, but he isn’t deterred. “You’re really sweet and kind.”   With that simple statement, he begins to walk away and you’re left baffled, jaw slack and you barely manage to keep up. “Am not!”   “Are too!”   “You’re a dumbass, Jimin!”   The boy hums a small note and tips his head to the side, looking off at Taehyung’s backside, who’s now chasing a dragonfly zooming across the field. “Maybe for you I am.”   Blind. Perhaps being ignorant to the cruel reality, to suffering and pain, the bleak future that is dawning upon all of you, isn’t so bad. Being trapped in your little, happy universe is all you need. Being with Jimin and Taehyung is all you could’ve asked for.

[briidunviing-a]

[ May is BPD ( Borderline Personality Disorder ) awareness month, & I wanted to drop this here, for my followers — & whole tumblr — to see. Why am I posting this ( again ), you might ask ? Because yes, I have BPD, & BPD awareness is close to my heart. I’ve had it for at least 10 years in various levels of severity. BPD isn’t the only personality disorder nor mental disorder I have either, & I’m not scared to admit it.

As I said, BPD awareness is important to me. I see myself as an unaffiliated BPD advocate — I educate people on BPD matters, I defend & support fellow survivors. I try to make sure I tell to every single person I plan to become a closer friends with that I have this disorder, & ask them to try to understand me the best they can if my emotions get the best of me. Hell, even I sometimes don’t understand myself. Because of this ( or these ) disorders I have always been more or less misunderstood, & I have never really “fit the norm” how people should behave. I just didn’t understand how emotions work, like many other BPD survivors. I didn’t know how to voice my emotions out in other way than anger or over-reacting, that stems from neglect & trauma I had to endure ever since I was a toddler — that is how I learned to survive in the middle of abuse, that is how I learned to defend myself — by attacking back when I feel threatened, like an abused dog. I am not saying this as an “understand me because I am a special snowflake”, no, everyone should try to understand  each other regardless.

How can you become better at understanding BPD survivors ? By listening. By asking us questions & not second guessing. I dare to say, we survivors actually like to enlighten our disorder to those who are curious & want to  learn, to make people try to understand us better. Educate yourself on the subject — if you have a friend, a family member or anyone close to you that suffers from BPD, or, educate yourself even if you don’t, the more knowledge the better. Knowledge counters stigmas.

Some people are confused what ‘personality disorder’ actually means. In short, it’s as simple as this: personality disorders are disordered  versions of normal & common personality traits. Most people meet at least some kind of symptoms of any personality disorder at healthy levels ( because many traits are normal ), but when these traits become overwhelming & severely disturb one’s functionality in life, then it becomes a problem – a disorder. If you meet the symptoms it doesn’t necessarily mean you actually have a disorder. Many of these traits are fine at healthy levels, but the keyword is “overwhelming” when figuring out if any of the traits are literally disordered, & meet personality disorder criteria. For example, fear of abandonment. I dare to say that nobody wants to be completely alone, humans are social creatures, & the fear of losing someone we care about is completely normal — but when you obsess, get excessively jealous, possessive, & use hundreds worth of money in a month on someone to bribe them so they won’t leave you, that’s when it becomes — you guessed it — overwhelming.

Now to the stigmas. I’m tired of people stigmatizing this disorder, & I want to debunk the following stigmas from a fellow BPD survivor’s perspective. Sometimes we stigmatize without even realizing we’re doing it, which we should try our best to break free from. Stigma 1: We’re not selfish. Being selfish isn’t an inherently evil thing — sometimes it’s good to be healthily selfish, to put yourself first & take care of yourself. I, & many other BPD survivors, have too many things we need to deal with every day, so we might not be the best people to put other people’s needs first as well as someone that isn’t dealing with extreme mood swings that can last from literally 15 seconds to couple of hours. We do care about you, we promise. We just sometimes don’t have the strength to carry both of our burdens. We won’t & shouldn’t sacrifice ourselves, sabotage our own mental well-being, & set ourselves on fire so you’ll stay warm — that is called healthy selfishness. Stigma 2: We’re not manipulative. We’re afraid you’ll abandon us in a blink of an eye, throwing us away like we’re trash, just like we feel everyone else in our lives have. We just don’t know how to voice our excessively strong emotions right without sounding hostile or pushy. We’re not down-right abusive & evil, we don’t mean to be abusive & lash out at you, but what can we do when we’re on the edge all the time, scared, when we’re constantly being tortured by our own minds ? What else can we do than scream from pain ( sometimes unfortunately at you ), if we simply don’t have any other way to cope ? Stigma 3: We’re not attention seekers. Once again, we just might not know how to voice our emotions out early enough before we’ve bottled everything up, then everything just explodes because we become so overwhelmed, & it seems like we’re making the situation a horrible shit storm of drama. Due to the abuse we had suffer, we don’t feel like we’re anything, our self-esteem is extremely low, we just need someone to love us, we crave the validation we were deprived of before. We’re desperately crying out for help, unfortunately most of the time in a very inappropriate & overly dramatic way. Stigma 4: We’re not treatment resistant — from a personal perspective: I thought I was, but my medications are set & suit me — actually I feel so well I’m working on weaning myself off of them. I attend CBT trauma therapy, & have for 2.5 years, & it helps so much. I do not abuse alcohol, drugs, or sex, I am actively combating self harm & suicidal thoughts every single day. I will never be completely cured, but I will get better. There is recovery. Stigma 5: Only thing in this list I can agree with is BPD people being difficult, because being difficult is subjective. We as humans don’t have an “one size fits all” base for our tolerance — all of us tolerate certain things to certain extents. Some tolerate yelling, swearing, & lashing out fairly well, & some don’t tolerate it at all. Neither are inherently wrong.

I am not a monster.

Unless you really know me & we have a mutual understanding between each other you have no right  to even try to determine what kind of a person I am. So many people start to abuse me, hurl drama, & tell how horrible person I am because I’m behaving in a certain way — because I just might not know better. I might not know how else to behave. & I know it’s wrong when I behave badly, I’m not perfect — but neither are you, & you still have no right to verbally abuse me. You have no right to do that to ANYONE.

My disorders do not determine me. My disorders are not ME.

Stigmas just make everything worse, for everyone. These stigmas surrounding us make us BPD survivors AFRAID to admit we have BPD. We are AFRAID to seek for help. We’re AFRAID to even talk about the subject in any way & we keep suffering, feeling alone in this hellhole of a world that might never understand us.

Don’t succumb to the stigma. Don’t be afraid of someone with BPD, because some of us suffer in silence & struggle internally, & some of us voice our emotions out in a very immature way — we’re not all the same. Imagine someone whose most outer layer of skin has been peeled completely off. You are red & raw. Even a soft breeze of wind hurts, even the smallest touch can make anyone scream from pain. That is what BPD emotions are like. We know how we behave is not right, but most of the time we just can’t help it. We learned these ways to behave from trauma — we had to do SOMETHING to survive, & now we are stuck with a certain way of behavior, a survival method that might get triggered by even the smallest things that remind us of the abuse we had to endure. We feel like we are in serious danger & we need to defend ourselves at least somehow. We know how we have learned to survive doesn’t work anymore, some of us are in so much better place than we were before, but we just can’t break free without professional help or dedicated self treatment, such as mindfulness, yoga, betterhelp.com, & meditation.

Not all of our bad behaviors are BPD based, but it’s very likely most of them are. Try to remember, that our bad behaviors stem from intensive pain. You don’t need to understand us & you never fully can unless you’re in our shoes, but just at least try to. Sometimes even trying is more than enough.

We are not perfect. You aren’t perfect either. We all make mistakes, some just more than others. Deep down inside we BPD survivors are just like you, just more sensitive. We are human, we are flawed, & we feel emotions. We are trying our best to be “normal” & not hurt anyone.

To other BPD survivors — there is hope. You’re not a sufferer — you’re a survivor. Someone loves you, & you should love yourself, too.

This has been a PSA. Thank you for reading. Thank you for trying to understand.

Still got some questions left ? Need support from a fellow BPD survivor ? Feel free to IM me. ]

[foxbaned]

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