#░ ━ ჻ h.romero「 ᵐᵘˢᶦᶰᵍ 」

[leftoverfear]

                      fire  in  her  bones,      honey  in  her  soul.      she’s  SWEET  when  she  has  to  be  and  FIERCE  when  she  needs  to  be.       ©      //       hayden  romero.

[leftoverfear]

i’m  kind  of  fucked  up  about  how  hayden  is  terrified  of  theo  and  is  still  nervous  as  hell  to  be  around  him  but  is  also  quick  to  protect  him  and  to  defend  him  if  someone  else  wants  to  attack  him  because ???   he’s  still  her  first  alpha,     he’s  still  the  guy  who  brought  her  back  to  life,    he  still  means  something  to  her  even  if  she  wants  to  carry  herself  like  he  can’t  get  to  her.      specific  example:     she  knows  malia  wants  to  keep  hurting  him,     so  she  refuses  to  leave  her  alone  with  him  because  she  knows  he  doesn’t  deserve  any  of  that  right  now.      and  i  think  she  can  sense  that  theo  wasn’t  entirely  there  in  that  moment    (    re:   @nctafailure‘s  post  about  how  he  imagined  it  was  his  sister.     )        but  she  knows  this  is  partly  her  responsibility  to  protect  him  because  she  was  there  when  he  was  brought  back,     and  she  won’t  let  him  get  hurt.     she  has  to  believe  it’s  the  right  thing  for  him  and  the  pack  for  theo  to  be  here  instead  of  sending  him  back.

[leftoverfear]

more  than  anything,    hayden  wants  to  believe  in  liam,    and  she  wants  to  keep  reminding  him  that  until  he  believes  it  too.     and  that’s  really  important  to  me?      she  puts  her  own  feelings  and  fears  aside  so  she  can  support  someone  who  really  needs  the  trust  of  another  right  now.    my  girl  is  so  strong. 

[leftoverfear]

hayden  in  episode  6.06.

i’m  going  to  break  down  this  episode  by  moments  with  hayden  so  i  can  really  get  all  my  thoughts  out.      and  while  i’m  at  it,     i  want  to  mention  that  @nctafailure  will  be  my  exclusive  theo  for  hayden,     given  that  we  have  been  writing  this  dynamic  in  depth  for  over  half  a  year  now     and  based  on  the  headcanons  we  have  about  their  interactions,    it  will  be  a  lot  easier  for  us  to  keep  track!   

❛    josh  is  dead.    ❜      ❛    but  his  power  didn’t  die  with  him.  ❜       ❛    it  may  as  well  have.    ❜

hayden  knows  that  theo  is  the  one  who  may  be  able  to  help  because  of  josh’s  powers.      there  is  a  look  of  dread  on  her  face  as  liam  says  it’s  possible  that  they  could  get  to  him.        she  knows  that  this  might  be  their  best  option,       she  knows  that  there  may  not  be  any  other  way,      and  that  this  could  very  well  be  their  only  hope.        what’s  important  now  is  to  find  a  way  to  save  everyone,      even  if  they  go  to  extreme  lengths  to  do  it   ------     but  she’s  weary.      

hayden  tried  to  be  part  of  the  chimera  pack,      but  it  never  felt  right  for  her.     she  only  felt  right  with  liam,     and  the  more  she  saw  of  her  own  pack  vs.   scott’s  pack,     the  more  she  felt  like  she  belonged  on  the  other  side.     while  she  may  not  have  spent  a  lot  of  time  with  the  pack     (    and  while,    specifically,     theo  and  tracy  couldn’t  trust  her  because  of  her  disloyalty    )      she  still  cared  about  the  members  of  the  pack.     regardless  of  if  she  knew  them  well,      they  endured  the  same  things.      they  all  knew  what  it  was  like  to  die  and  then  come  back  to  life  and  deal  with  the  burden  of  the  darkness  she  felt  now.      they  were  all  experimented  on,     without  their  knowledge.      they  were  all  made  to  be  something  else.      she  would  always  feel  a  connection  to  them,      even  theo   -----    as  he  was  her  first  alpha,     and  he’s  responsible  for  her  being  alive  now.      she  will  always  be  grateful  for  that.     

she’s  sad  about  the  loss  of  josh  and  tracy  because  she  never  wanted  them  to  get  hurt,     and  she  feels  guilty  for  their  fate  when  she  survived  it,     yet  was  never  as  loyal  as  the  other  two.       she  wonders  if  she  could  have  saved  them  or  helped  them  in  some  way,      but  she  also  believes  that  if  she  would  have  stuck  around,   then  theo  would  have  eventually  hurt  her  too.      it’s  a  big  part  of  why  she’s  nervous  to  bring  him  back.     

she’s  scared  of  making  herself  vulnerable  to  him  again,    and  she  knows  that  he  has  every  reasons  to  hate  her.       she  didn’t  tell  him  about  the  talons,    she  left  his  pack  without  a  warning    (   knowing  if  she  did  tell  him,     she  would  have  faced  worse  consequences.     )       and  she  was  more  loyal  to  scott’s  pack  instead  of  her  own,      although  theo  continuously  reminded  her  to  be  thankful  he  brought  her  back  to  life.       he  has  every  reason  to  hate  her,     she  knows  that,      and  she  doesn’t  think  bringing  him  back  to  life  is  enough  reason  to  convince  him  otherwise. 

❛    what  are  you  saying?   ❜ ❛    you  know  what  i’m  saying.    ❜ ❛    if  you’re  saying  what  i  think  you’re  saying,     you’re  insane.   ❜ ❛    i  know  it’s  insane,     but  i  need  you  with  me  on  this.    ❜

i  can’t  really  speak  for  liam,     but  him  telling  her  he  needs  her  with  him  makes  me  believe  that  he  knows  how  difficult  this  will  be  for  hayden,      and  he  needs  to  know  she’s  fully  in  support  of  the  idea  before  they  get  into  it.       because  once  they  do,       they  can’t  go  back    -----     at  least  not  easily.      

 she  grabs  his  hand  to  agree,      but  the  look  in  her  eyes  is  definitely  unsure  about  it.     she  wants  to  trust  this  plan,    she  wants  to  believe  that  it  will  work.      she  is  trying  so  hard  to  be  supportive  of  liam  because  she  knows  how  important  it  is  for  him  to  achieve  his  goals,     especially  now  as  he  prepares  to  be  without  the  help  of  his  alpha  once  scott  graduates.       even  when she  doesn’t  necessarily  agree  with  liam,      she  wants  to  see  the  best  in  him  because  she  cares  so  deeply  for  him  and  wants  him  to  know  that  he  will  have  her  with  him  and  that  he  isn’t  alone. 

she  accepts  the  plan  because  she  knows  they  are  running  out  of  options,     and  because  she  wants  to  support  liam.     if  liam  believes  this  is  the  best  way  to  do  this,    then  she  will   go  with  it  and  pray  that  it  works.

the  validation  from  him  is   important  to  her.      him  telling  her  that  he  needs  her  with  him  means  that  he  understands  how  big  of  a  deal  this  is  to  her,     and  he  understands  that  this   will  be  hard  on  her  given  her  history  with  theo  and  all  the  unresolved  issues  between  them.     

as  for  the  dialogue  of  this  scene,      saying  his  name  is  difficult  for  her  in  this  context.      she  feels  that  once  she  speaks  his  name  and  speaks  about  the  situation   out  loud,    it  will  all  become  too  real.       in  theory,    it’s  a  plan  that  might  work,     but  actually  knowing  they  will  go  through  with  it  is  what  worries  hayden  the  most.      the  idea  of  actually  facing  theo  again  is  terrifying,      especially  since  they  all  barely  got  out  alive  last  time.  

❛    almost  there   -----    last  chance  to  bail.   ❜ ❛    we  have  to  do  something  drastic.   ❜ ❛    this  drastic?   ❜

she’s  almost  begging  him  to  bail.     there’s  a  panicky  tone  in  her  voice  as  she  looks  at  him,      waiting  for  him  to  turn  around.      they’re  walking  fast  to  where  they  need  to  go,      because  it’s  giving  them  no  chance  to  back  out  because  they  know  if  they  stop  to  think  about  it,     they  might.      she  doesn’t  want  to  be  the  one  to  stop  the  plan;       she  wants  it  to  be  liam’s  idea,      so  that  it’s  not  her  fault  for  getting  in  the  way  of  it.       she  knows  she  can’t  be  the  one  to  stop  this  so  she’s  trying  to  find  a  way  to  convince  liam  without  coming  out  and  saying  it.

❛     once  it’s  done,     whatever  happens  will  be  your  responsibility.     ❜ ❛     LIAM,    WAIT.     ❜

she  knew  this,     but  actually  hearing  it  out  loud  made  it  all  more  difficult  for  her  to  deal  with.      she  knows  it’s  dangerous  to  bring  theo  back,    because  he  is  destructive  and  he  has  only  hurt  their  pack,      but  she’s  going  with  the  plan  in  hopes  that  it  will  help.       but  when she  hears  those  words   ----    whatever  happens  will  be  your  responsibility   -----   it’s  a  reminder  that  if  this  doesn’t  work  out,     or  if  more  people  die  because  theo’s  back,      it’s  their  fault.      they  could  have  kept  people  from  getting  hurt  again,     and  she  will  have  to  deal  with  that  guilt.

it  goes  back  to  the  chimera  pack.      she  couldn’t  stop  theo  from  hurting  josh  or  tracy,     and  she  didn’t  have  a  chance  to  try.     she  already  feels  guilty  for  losing  them,     she  already  feels  like  she  could  have  found  a  way  to  avoid  their  deaths.      if  they  bring  theo  back,     this  is  on  her  conscious  too.     and  if  more  people  are  hurt  by  him,    it’s  another  reason  to  feel  guilty  for  it.       she  could  save  people,     that’s  all  she  wants   ----    that’s  all  she  wants  by  bringing  theo  back,      but  she  knows  it  could  backfire  and  go  terribly  wrong.       they’re  trying  to  bring  people  back,      not  lose  more. 

the  more  she  stares  at  the  ground  waiting  for  liam  to  bring  her  back,     there’s  an  even  bigger  look  of  fear  on  her  face  from  what’s  to  come.      she  knows  it’s  wrong  and  she  knows  she  has  to  say  something  before  it’s  too  late   -----    but  it  is  too  late  by  the  time  she  does  act  on  her  gut  feeling.       she’s  envisioning  everything  bad  that  has  happened  already,      and  everything  bad  that  could  happen  with  him  back.     she’s  terrified  of  being  face  to  face  with  the  man  who  brought  her  back  to  life  but  also  made  her and  her  friends  lives  miserable,      and  she  doesn’t  know  if  she  will  ever  be  ready  for  that.       she  tried  to  stop  him,     but  it  was  

❛    we’re  not  trying  to  hurt  you.      we’re  the  ones  who  brought  you  back.   ❜

she  sees  him  attack  liam and  she  knows  they  made  a  mistake.      she  has  to  do  something  to  protect  liam     (   and  everyone  else  he  may  come  across.   )      she  panics,      and  the  only  thing  she  can  think  to  do  is  to  send  him  back.      she  thinks  that’s  the  only  way  to  keep  people  safe  because  it’s  already  going  badly,     because  she  doesn’t  realize  that  he’s  completely  disoriented  and  doesn’t  fully  understand  what’s  happening  to  him  yet.

 ❛    i’m  gonna  kill  you  too.     i’m  gonna  kill  all  of  you.     ❜ ❛     send  him  back.    ❜

at  this  point,     she’s  not  threatening  theo  the  way  liam  is  using  the  idea  of  sending  him  back  to  taunt  him.      she’s  more  concerned  about  liam  and  everyone  else   after  hearing  theo’s  threat.        it’s  dangerous  and  she  knows  he  can’t  be  around.     she  doesn’t  understand  what  he  has  gone  through  in  hell,      and  she  doesn’t  understand  that  he  has  trauma  he  has  faced  there,      so  she  is  taking  his  threat  seriously  and  is  panicking,     assuming  that  it’s   a  simple  solution  to  send  him  back  because  she  regrets  letting  this  happen.

❛    you  don’t  have  josh’s  power  anymore,      do  you?   ❜ ❛     or  tracy’s.    ❜

she  desperately  grabs  his  hands  because  she  wants  to  know  that  tracy  and  josh  are  still  with  him  somehow.     because  if  he  doesn’t  have  their  power,     that  means  the  reason  he  killed  them  was  now  worthless   -----    and  that  only  hurts      (    and  scares    )      hayden  even  more.        she  wants  to  protect  her  old  pack  now  especially  since  she  couldn’t  before,      so  when  he  makes  the  comment  about  having  no  remorse  and   ‘  putting  them  back  the  way  he  found  them,   ‘       she’s  even  more  sure  that  it’s  time  to  send  him  back  because  she  doesn’t  believe  he’s  ever  going  to  be  useful  in  a  way  that  isn’t  evil.      hearing  him  speak  about  her  former  pack  in  that  way  only  makes  her  angrier.

that’s  it  for  now  but  i  may  revisit  some  of  these  points  later,     because  this  just  feels  like  a  very  important  episode  for  hayden  and  i’m   obviously  so  lit  about  it?      

[leftoverfear]

the  amount  of  times  hayden  said   ‘   send  him  back   ‘   is  honestly  breaking  my  heart  to  think  about.      she’s  ????    so  scared  and  messed  up  about  it.      and  even  though  she  didn’t  spend  a  lot  of  time  with  the  chimera  pack,      she  definitely  cared  about  the  betas  who  died    (    more  than  tracy  cared  about  her  ofc  but  !!   )      and  she  knew  she  was  in  danger  if  she  would  have  stayed  in  theo’s  pack  because  she  could  have  reached  the  same  fate  as  them.        she’s  worried  that  bringing  him  back  will  be  worse  for  them  and  she’s  worried  that  they  should  have  discussed  this  with  the  rest  of  the  pack.  

i’m  going  to   rewatch  the  episode  in  a  bit  then  probably  write  out  more  about  her  headspace  when  seeing  theo  again  because  that  was  so  important  to  me  and  i’m  really  excited  about  it!!