#⋆ darkness always finds you either way • w. insidi0sum ⋆

[walkeddeath]

❝ i swear, if you do that one more time ... ❞

❝ you'll what, kill me? ❞ silence lingers for a second before a bubbly laugh cuts through it, sharp smile flashing. ❝ c'mon, nick, you know that doesn't work. honestly i don't think there's anything you could threaten me with that'll actually get me to stop. it's just like, too damn fun t'watch you get all twitchy and shit. ❞ she flicks another paper football at him, aiming for his chest. 

[walkeddeath]

it's still not all too clear to gen the why's of hanging around the place and with nick. she blames it on simple curiosity the majority of the time, swears that's all it is, and it really could be the one and only reason. it's a very curious situation and gen wants to figure it out. figure him out. it had been easier before to keep it simple, not look too far under the surface, there had been an entirely different commonality.

the fact that there's even more that they have alike now? gen doesn't want to dig into it but she can't help it. still, they try to push it away, keep things simple. that's all gen really wants but it's starting to feel curiouser and curiouser around him constantly.

they want to check in and figure out if what they'd heard before was a fluke. if it's still there, then it's a whatever and a no big deal. if it isn't... she shakes her head, stops staring out into space, and turns to him. it hadn't been something gen had intended for him to hear, she hadn't meant to say it out loud, and she shrugs in response.

"oh like, it's nothing, i'm just thinkin' out loud." it's a barely believable lie, they know it is, and they push away from the wall to move closer. "i never told you 'bout what it is i can do, did i? like it ain't just the healin' or the destructive shit..." 

she comes to a stop in front of the desk, placing her hands on top of the papers, leaning in slightly. "what if i said i can confirm if y'really got your soul back? what if i said i could make it not hurt as much? that's like, assuming it is hurting you if y'do really got it back. does it hurt?" 

& gen o'hara. 〃 @walkeddeath

Nick got accustomed to having them around, after all he lost count of the amount of times that they waltzed in the old Goode's mansion with little to no hesitation, after that very first night only a couple days after he crawled his way back to the surface.  Their presence was almost, just almost, a welcomed one, how could it not ?  When he was stuck in there, at least until he figured his next steps, and despite how huge the mansion was, he constantly felt as if the walls were closing in on him, suffocating him.

Their words earned a dismissive hum, not bothering to even lift his head from the scattered papers on the desk.  Except, the moment he finally processed what was being said, he found himself furrowing his brows.  " Huh ? "  What was that supposed to mean ?  The hint of confusion far too obvious upon tired features.  Pale hue fixed on them.  " Care to explain ? Or am I supposed what nonsense you are talking about ? "

[walkeddeath]

　　

　　They have a tape recorder running and a pen and a pad of paper in their lap, the recorder will probably pick up ambient voices. She insisted on keeping the door open just to keep things from setting off, but Gen isn't only there for a fucking interview. It's a check in, a mini reunion of sorts, but it's a cover that they're going to use to full advantage.

　　It's obvious that she truly doesn't want to be there. their arms are crossed over their chest, nails digging into their arms hard enough that it might draw blood, trying to keep a grasp on control. Gen isn't good with holding her tongue but for once she's not saying a single word, letting their eyes do all the talking for her. They're harsh and fixed on him, locked on and looking for any sudden motions or changes in demeanor. She's barely breathing, acting like she's getting ready to pull a trigger, focused on him like he's a target.

　　Usually, they'd be fidgeting, messing with the ends of her hair, tapping her leg rapid fire, and drumming their fingers on the desk ––– but their anger keeps him as a focal point, a singular thought stuck in their head.

　　It's an unwanted thing of a thought, but, it keeps them from slipping into panic . Which, once they're out of sight and in the safety of their dad's house, something will be broken and they will scream and cry but he can't know that. All he can see and know is a version of her that is nothing but hate and spite, a solid and unwavering resolve, something to fear . She isn't going to run away this time, they're not scared they swear they aren't and maybe there's a little twinge of fear that lingers in her bones but not for herself. For everyone in this god fucking forsaken town that she never wanted to come back to.

　　Gen lets out a sigh and lifts and eyebrow, shifting in her seat. they scoff, it's both bitter and cold and swimming in disgust. One hand lets go of the grip on her shoulder and she brushes a few strands of hair behind her ear, fingernail marks visible on her arm if looked at close enough. There's a pressure in the room that they can't fucking stand and they want to get this interview over and done with for the day and he's being a fucking dick ––– 

　　"Remember, this is on the record. I don't wanna be here either, as soon as i get what i came here for i'm on a red-eye out. I just thought that talkin' 'bout the rich history of Sunnyvale would make a great article. There's just so much 'bout this town that the world should know about, don't you agree? Like ain't you just so totally proud of this place? like, hasn't your family been here since the beginning? and all those accomplishments, like, it's damn near unbelievable how lucky y'all have been all these years."

　　They lean forward and get real quiet and there's a barely noticeable flicker of a glow in their eyes, a smile on their face that they force to be sweet for a brief second. 

　　"There's been some incidents ,though, i've been hearin' about them quite a bit ––– nobody that you would know and i'm sure it's just gossip , but, Nick. I gotta ask ––– are you dealing with the pressure okay? like, are you handling all that weight on your shoulders or are you finding it hard to live up to all those expectations? "

　　She says it in a hushed voice, so nobody passing by can pick up on it ––– they want to see how far they can push him, it's a compulsion, they can't not push and poke and prod and –––

　　‘  this was just the beginning.  ‘ @insidi0sum responds, it's vague but they pick up on what he's trying to say and they don't back off despite the potential underlying threat.

　　They lean back, movements eerily fast like a blur, and click off the recorder. 

　　" Is that a threat, promise, or warning, Goode? Cause like whichever of those it is, i promise i'm not gonna be goin' anywhere, i'm gonna see this story out to the end. NOW, please, answer the questions. I'll make sure they get a good picture of you for when the article goes up, if that's what you're worried about. God forbid something make you look bad. "

[walkeddeath]

    　　the earth welcomes them like it's a home they belong to as they lay out on their back, eyes closed, feeling everything all too much and not enough. blood stained hands press into the grass as gen tries to ground herself, still buzzing with spent energy that burns at her nerves. they think about a saying they know they've heard before, something about the pain as a reminder you're alive, but the sentiment rings stale. it isn't just pain, it's the itchy discomfort from drying blood on skin and the dull pulse of muscles overworked to an ungodly degree and the copper in her mouth. she can feel her bones shift back in place and skin stitches back together, body refusing to let her be anything but good as new, never letting her rest, and she feels guilt for hating it. it could be worse, far far worse, in multiple ways, but what all of those ways are remain a mystery to her.

　　what gen does know is that she wants rest. wants to keep sinking into the ground and maybe finally get a really good sleep. they feel like they've been awake for centuries and that isn't possible but it's a soul deep ache for some kind of shut eye. you've got something ancient in you there's something wrong with you you came back wrong did you even come back. the thoughts go around and around like a record, skipping and scratching distortingly, it's unwelcome, it's painful. it grates at her nerves more than he does and that's saying something. gen doesn't trust nick, never has and doesn't plan on changing it.

　　still, despite how much she hates and hates , and she'll never say it in a million years not even if it meant she could finally rest, gen is realizing there's something that she needs that he has. understanding, a tiny grain of it yes but he gets it. it seems, at times, that he gets her more than she does herself, gets why she's constantly fighting, constantly trying to push herself far beyond what she knows should be possible. it makes her sick, but, it's a little bit nice to have someone just as fucked. just as screwed over by forces unfuckingseen. yeah he's got a shit deal, but, gen would rather take full transparency than a constant guessing game of when will she end up like him? they know they crave a kind of chaos that tastes like the kind that swarms around him, they know they want more power than they should want, but they have a good reason and that should count for something, right?

　　

　　groaning, throat raw and body protesting the movements, gen rolls onto her side and stares, eyes flickering between normal and too bright and too cloudy, a candle in a storm, the light just barely embers and far far away. they're not fully home yet, still processing the pain and still tasting blood, but they want to hear what he has to ask. they have nothing better to do, they don't want to leave just yet, go and pretend to be some sort of normal and human and real and breathing, despite knowing she's still taking in sharp breaths as she thinks it. not alive not dead and not even something in the middle. they're nothing more than a glitch, a bug in the system, a malfunction. 

　　they try to give him a moment of hey i won't treat you like shit, thanks for making me bleed by not laughing at his question. not picking him apart and tearing into him even with him in a vulnerable position. she's not like him she doesn't hurt anyone who either doesn't deserve it or who is truly vulnerable. they don't like hurting anyone, really, aside from him. it isn't like it's going to kill him , even if she's a dick to him and even if that's a tiny little burning desired outcome from all of their fighting. the fear of what it'll do to her if she does kill him ruins her desire to try. at least until the next time.

　　"yeah, i do, all the damn time. i'm constantly so fucking tired and i like, i just really wanna take a nap, y'know? just one real fuckin' long nap. i don't wanna end up like you, i still refuse to do that, i'll die before i stop refusing, just so you know. but like that's the entire goddamn thing, even if i keep refusing it will never be enough. i don't know, like, this is all i've known since i was a kid. that there's something fucked but i don't know what it is or who it is but ––– that ain't important. what 'bout you, you ever get tired?"

　　they start to sit up and get hit by a dizzy spell that sends her back curled up on the ground like it loves her, wants her to return, has been waiting. it wants to wrap her in the ripped and stained shirt  she's wearing and drag her down and down but to where, she doesn't know. doesn't think nick will either but he's oh so very similar, so she'll as him to give what she gave, it's just how they work.

"like, if you could do anything right now and i don't care , to be clear, i truly fuckin' don't but –– if you coulda gotten out of your whole fucked deal, what would you be doing right now? i'm just curious. it's in my nature, but like, you know that , don't you. And like, despite how tired y’might also be, i just think , and goode –– feel free t'correct me on this, but like that you just maybe feel, like so deep deep deep fuckin deep down, that you sorta kinda maybe don’t deserve rest." her eyes never leave him once, the flickering steadied. their hands are still brushing over the grass, body still in the process of a rebuild so they can't do much else.

"you ever think about that night in 78? i dunno, like, i know i wasn’t there… but like, if i had been, sometimes i do feel like i could've like, stopped you. might've been able to get outta it all, but like... past can’t be changed… just like, you ever feel bad about those kids ?"