#←me rn bc I'm burnt out af

[luxx-is-sleepy]

These 3

[fairycosmos]

hi love, hope you're doing well, I know a lot of people say this BC it's true but your posts and advice and wisdom etc etc is just sooo lovely to read honestly. so I saw you used to be a TA but quit cos it was like too much for your mh and stuff I'm in the exact same position rn and I just wondered if u have any like info/advice anything really like... obv dw about me taking whatever u say as too final but like, is it a silly job role to have when ur someone who really finds life so draining so easily and struggles w mental health often? like even tho working w kids is lush in general. cos Im on a break rn w an agency and then planning on going part time at some point but even then that seems scary af.

hiii sorry for the late response to this - i hope you still see it. i wanted to say i totally understand being overwhelmed in this way. working with kids can be wonderful but it is also absolutely draining and when you're already emotionally drained just in general- it gets to be a lot. i was at a breaking point with it, too. just the constant pressure of it. needing to take a step back is absolutely fine. last time i worked childcare, i was (i guess i still am lol) incredibly depressed, and with the insane hours i was working (it was a nursery that stayed open late LOL) and the high-stress esp for low pay (apprenticeship wages 🙄) it just wasn't sustainable. something had to give at that moment for me to feel like staying alive was even possible, and it's alright to admit that. i think when i quit, i even told my boss something along the lines of "im not giving the children the presence of mind they deserve because im in a really bad place right now', and it kind of helped me to frame it that way. that by doing what was right for me, i would also be doing what was right for the kids, even if it was painful and bittersweet and made me feel like a failure.

i guess i also want to say that just because you're feeling this way right now, like you need to pull the brakes on your job a little bit, doesn't mean you always will. and two (or more) things can absolutely be true at once - you can be great at what you do, have a genuine love for it, want to return to it in the future, and still be completely fucking exhausted by it all. i think doing what you can to reach out in terms of your mh and making that a priority would definitely serve you well in the long run. i took a break from it and now, when im starting to consider seeking part-time TA work again, i can see advantages of the job now that im looking from afar + after a break to recalibrate my mind and my approach. part-time hours might be a great compromise for you that works out - its a lot less overwhelming and a lot more manageable - but if that still ends up feeling like too much for you, that's okay. it's pretty clear that you're burnt out and in need of some deep emotional rest and catharsis, someone to talk through your feelings with so you can examine where they come from and how to cope with them healthily in the future, which is totally understandable - most people need that or a version of it at one point or another. i know the nhs is on its last legs esp in terms of mental health care, but i would encourage you to ask your doctor for a referral + seek out support groups in your area or any cost-effective private therapy practices if that's an option for you (a lot of them are willing to work with clients to agree on a manageable price.) anyway sorry for rambling, i think i just wanted you to know that you have numerous ways forward here and that your current stress level is completely justified + relatable to me as a TA with MH struggles. i think it's about finding a balance, whatever that looks like for you. im rooting for you and if you want to talk about this a bit more, i will be here. also, thank you so much for the kind words 💌💌 they really made my morning feel a bit less shit. i know im just a stranger and nobody has to take my words seriously or listen to them ever and it means a lot that they sometimes do. sending a big hug your way. it's ok to put yourself first for as long as you need and are able to! X

[skinni-girls-eat-books]

Thursday, April 4th, 2024!

11:06pm: Feeling good and bad what's new.

Cons of life: My sleep schedule is horrendously off. I am dehydrated. My whole body aches from stress tensing my muscles up. My tits are plagued with acne marks right now like really bad sores. Funny as soon as the butt ones are under control now these pop up 🙃. My unibrow is going crazy but I'm afraid to cut my forehead shaving it. I also have a wack diet rn yesterday I basically forgot to eat and today I had a burrito the size of my head and too much take out still bc I'm tired of cleaning the kitchen. I wish this stupid fucker would realize what a POS he's being and leave me tf alone 😒 really fucked up and exhausting to think about. The sleep and dehydration thing are really the worst simply compounding every other problem. Also it's over for today, but being on my period for two weeks really took a toll on my body and stressed me out and now I'm just behind on chores and grocery shopping and things like that because I've had no energy from being anemic and my hormones have been driving me up the wall. Also we all know I hate showering on my period soooo yeah don't really have to explain that further 🫠🥲 my hair is greasy AF and my scalp is itchy. Don't get me started on the financial mess that is May. Mf FAFSA would be messed up the year I need it most 🫠 that's not so bad though just more hoops to jump through that are just hella unnecessary. I really needed to write all this down and get it out of my brain. Tbh I didn't realize how much shit was actually bothering me, I was totally gaslighting myself into thinking I was being a little bitch. There's like a whole dissertation of shit that's bothering me, no wonder I feel so burnt out and run over. I'm fucking drained. I always like to look on the positive side of life but sometimes it's like work to push all this crap aside just for peace of mind. Just boxing this shit up for later (right now when I can't sleep because anxiety). I almost don't want to write a pros list now because it feels so fake lmao. 😂

Pros: This was one of the best weeks I've had in terms of school grades! Hard work pays off. The basics, food, shelter, safety, transportation, have all been accounted for god bless. I have my two good cats. I have a family that loves me. I'm no longer in an abusive gaslighting relationship ❤️ I'm going to the movies tomorrow! Three weeks of school left! (That's actually fucking crazy what??) I am really proud of myself. I'm really glad I don't have to take that remediation exam next Friday! I would throw up. Also I don't have to remediate the OSCE on Monday and I can enjoy the solar eclipse lol. The weekend two weeks from now is going to be crazy fun I just realized ❤️ So much to look forward to, so much to still do is really the vibe.

Tbh I feel so numb it's really hard to make this pros list. And my head really hurts. I love you Jamie keep going. ❤️

11:55pm: I took two aspirin and two Benadryl wish me luck 🫡😴

[hshouse]

Umm so I think we might be going into the same field but like i just started grad school a month ago and I'm struggling so fcking hard keeping up with all the work (my adhd meds are NOT doing the job i need them to be doing) and socially i have not clicked with ANYONE and I feel so intimidated and isolated and I know I stick out not talking to anyone bc EVERYONE in my section is always talking to someone and people have already started forming groups and made friends but I just dont know how to I guess??? Idk but I feel like im 8 years old again with no friends which is a bizarre fucking feeling to have at 23. But like its BAD and I can't even speak up in the classes that don't cold call and ask for volunteers even though I want to do well so badly bc I feel so fucking small amongst all these people. I just kind of completely shut down as soon as I walked into the first day of orientation and haven't recovered from that.

And like I'm so fucking scared to start working bc even though i took two years off from undergrad I'm so burnt out already and jumping straight into the corporate world seems terrifying for my mental health (and general health tbh) but like going into PI isn't really an option bc if I'm going to go through with this I NEED to be making money to make it worth it and I guess what I'm trying to ask is like does this shit actually get better??? bc I'm highkey spiraling and have been since I started school and I honestly don't know if I'd be better off dropping out and going back to teaching even though I'll be absolutely broke and living at home for the foreseeable future or if I should just stick it out and be able to afford to support my parents and fucking take my siblings to disneyland for the first time. Like i knew this was gonna be hard but I guess it's just hitting me actually being here how fucking miserable I am and just I dont know. Sorry for dumping all this on you 😬 I guess I'm just wondering if you have any advice? Like I'm so scared I'm not gonna make it, like I'm not cut out for this field and am just gonna get absolutely crushed by it. And like I know that on paper I'm fucking smart af and definitely deserve to be here, like I'm at a fucking ivy league rn, they wouldn't let me in if they didn't think I'd make it. I just am finding it very hard to believe that I'm actually going to have a successful career if I'm struggling this bad at the very start.

Also idk how tf you went to school in a completely different country, like MAJOR props to you bc that must have been SO fucking hard. I'm struggling with moving across the country to a state where I know absolutely no one, but at least I know one of my siblings is an hour flight away and the rest of my family/friends are an 8 hr flight away. You should be VERY proud of yourself (I'm sure you are) bc I've only been in grad school for a month and this shit is SO HARD to handle and like fuck you're almost done with it and about to start your career and that shit is fucking AMAZING and BADASS and I genuinely wish you all the fucking success in your future

Hi bby,

Oh we are definitely doing the same thing. Thank you for the wonderful compliments, I really really appreciate it. And congrats on getting in!

I’m sure you know that this is the hardest year. It also has NO no NOOO bearing on your talent for the job. First thing they tell you at the job orientation is “nothing you learned in grad school will be useful here.” Shdjsh it’s a completely different thing that is muuuuuch more enjoyable than the boring ass stuff you are learning rn. For me it felt very much like year 1 is one program and years 2&3 are a totally different thing. Once you get your job during summer 1, all bets are off lmao. You just need to finish the thing. So really the pressure is only for 1 year. So that helps with the mindset of like “I only need to get to May.” In terms of getting the job, I have to be honest: they only care about your school. I had straight Bs and got like a major one. On the first group of the rank if you know what I mean. So go into knowing that you WILL get an offer and most likely many. I always tell people that getting into the school is the last real hurdle. Now, you just ride the wave. Once you get the job you will really feel like it’s done.

About the job itself, there is genuinely no better job out there. Yes it is a shit show in terms of commitment and amount of work but it is absolutely disproportionally well compensated. Like in a bizarre way. You will not get fired (unless you like assault a person etc). So you have this job kind of for life? It’s extremely secure. Do not get intimidated by it. It’s mostly you alone on your computer lmao it’s lit. You are so close to this DO NOT drop out. It is worth it. The money will change your family’s life. It will change your life for ever. Even if you leave at one point.

You are the same age I was and I get the vibe. It’s annoying but *none of it matters*. I just treat it like its drivers ed lmao. I’m there to be able to do the thing. I don’t care about yall wihdishshs. Speaking in class is meaningless and getting it wrong is like whatever. Do you care when ppl get it wrong? I barely notice it. So I think shifting your mindset from “this is undergrad 2.0” to “this is a prep course I am in and out of here” really helped me. I felt very alone during year 1. But as soon as year 2 starts everyone gets shuffled around so that cliquey feeling goes away massively.

I hope this helps! Pls come back if you have more questions as you move through the stages. But I promise you, you are in the worst part of it. Hang in there!!!!!

[luvhrs]

shadow and bone — ep 3 thoughts:

(might have to stop here and continue tmrw after i finish this stupid stats hw 😤)

rapunzel!alina with all the light imagery in that dream

suddenly i'm watching bridgerton

i like this ginger lady miss safin can they be besties

whoaaa a tailor??? how many kinds of grisha are there :o

sAGGING TITSJDKFJDJ

kaz seems pretty adamant on the sun summoner not existing 👀 i wonder why

pretty nina~ yo now that i think abt it the extent of heartrenders' powers must be p wide tho couldn't they also just. stop someone's heart from beating in a snap

cool cinematography again!! (is that even what it's called) why is jesper eating the random biscuit(?) 😭😭😭

money money money. ain't it funny. in a rich man's world

god i'm sorry there's gonna be a lot of jester loving on here he is just. So Very Attractive and i am So Very Weak

andddd he took a detour to gamble 💀

kirigan appearing out of nowhere bcs ~shadow~ also this silhouette shot is very nice

oh my i wonder how she'll show her power. let's go exalted council

me to kirigan if i were in alina's place: [rihanna voice] what's wrong with me? why do i feel like this?

how did alina do that??? did kirigan cause that somehow??? bcs shadow needing light or vice versa or whatever but either way i'm excited to see her fight and awaken more of her power aaAAA

"you were perfect" silco haunts me. anw kirigan is very sus to me rn this feels like his plan wASN'T THAT TOO EASY

uhhhh ok sudden hostility from zoya 😐

KAZ HOLDING A GOAT IS THE BEST THING I'VE SEEN TODAY

ooh look man of progress poster (i'm just making arcane and DA references now lmao sorry)

"hope is dangerous. it clouds your judgment." sounding a lot like "emotions always screw everything up." kaz and hank ik y'all are just 2 big softies

oh no nina's still in trouble!!

convenient ominous giant train!!

GODDAMMIT JESPER

YO THIS IS SO INTERESTING I FEEL LIKE I'M ON A FIELD TRIP BUT WITH MY LIFE ON THE LINE

MAL WE MISS YOU LOVER BOY :(

OOOO ALINA A FIGHTER U GO GIRL

ok zoya has the hots for kirigan the "she's in good hands" thing /was/ in jealousy (also yeah nadya(?) me too ngl hahsjdjdd)

stag again??? what if these are her memories coming back to her 😳

bet kirigan's lurking (haha get it) in this library somewhere. oh wait that's the spiritual adviser. he's a bit creepy 😭

i absolutely love how many kinds of grisha there are!!!!! feels like pokemon. i gotta know them all

as a burnt out gifted child with nothing left of my gift now but a desire for academic validation, i like baghra bcs if she were my mentor she's the type i'd want to impress. and she's pretty

OMG SHE REMINDS ME OF FLEMETH!!! I AUTOMATICALLY LOVE HER MORE NOW

THIS TRAIN RIDE GIVES ME SO MUCH ANXIETY. THE COALLLL

oh i just noticed the grisha's uniform design depending on their power i'm BLIND

are these all the grisha existing rn or no? there are less than i expected

bro go easy on alina can i order an adjustment period 😭😭😭

JESPER ACTUALLY HUGGING THE GOAT IN RESIGNATION I'M CRIGNGJFNF

WTF JESPER COOL MOMENT??? HELLO????? MF MY SISTER IS SLEEPING BESIDE ME I CAN'T GO FERAL RNDJIEDIIJE

he's so fucking cool ohmygod you guys and if i repeat this scene all night

but also he shifted his weight fuck what's gonna happen???

THE SHOT OF THE GUN. OH MY FUCKING GOD. THAT'S SO FUCKING COOL WHAT. WHAT. IS HE ONE OF THOSE SHARPSHOOTERS???

THE SHARPSHOOTING IS COOL AF YES BUT HEAR ME OUT: HE WAS HOLDING. THE GOAT. THE ENTIRE TIME.

he is forming a lifelong bond with that goat i bet that being said i would like your hand in marriage sir

also jesper's actor giving us everything??? (also everyone else rly goddamn i hope the other charas get cool solo sequences like this too!!!) wHEW that GAZE at the beginning and then after everything seamlessly transitioning back into the funny clever persona 🤌🤌🤌

THESE BITCHES ACTUALLY MADE IT THRU. HOLY SHIT THAT DESERVES A STANDING OVATION

yo i rly love alina's letter to mal tho... idk there's smth so human abt it. it's abt the perpetual "i can go anywhere i want, just not home" feeling!!! it's abt the self-discovery and finding your place in this world!!! how it's a universal experience and yet every person goes thru it uniquely, not to mention blindly. smth hopeful in knowing that even the most powerful person in the world probably struggles with their identity

"you have always been my true north, mal." BITCH I'M 😭😭😭😭😭 that is the sweetest thing ever girlie dON'T U DARE CHOOSE KIRIGAN OVER MAL I SWEAR TO THE SAINTS

[sunfl0wer-witch]

Avatar, like, ATLA? My blorbos!!

Lol, all good. Tbh I was shocked you even replied the first time. Idk what it is about how I talk online but I have a hard time connecting with anyone? Like there is smth about me online that almost everyone is like "nope, dont wanna get involved in that". Which was like, really devastating when I was younger and I kept seeing these communities of online besties, but I just didnt (dont) know how to make that work. So now I'm just like, pleasantly surprised that anyone speaks to me, period 😅

Shit, dude. You'd think a small community fic exchange would be the one time you could sort of garauntee that ppl would see your fic & that popularity wouldnt matter as much... that's rough. I mean, possibly it couldve been taken down for personal reasons & whoever noticed just thought "we're not close enough for me to ask about it", but like, idk that group so idk if theyre the kind of ppl where thats a reasonable benefit of the doubt.

I go super back and forth on writing. Like I'll be online for a bit and post stuff then inevitably psych myself out or smth and then fall out of it. Or I'll be trying to write smth original and psych myself out. But then I always come back to it & idk if I've connected it to my sense of individuality or what. Like, I need to figure out how to be ok just writing for myself, is where I am at? So prob not posting it online period and judging only by my own metrics and not fucking, hits or w/e. But then its like, but I have the thing so why would I not do smth with it?

But either way, rn I'm so burnt out, the best I can do is have like, an idea and text with my one fandom friend about it and then be like "Yeah, that'd be cool af. Hope someone else writes that exact thing someday bc I sure dont wanna"

The arrancar arc, I think gets shit on for a lot of reasons 😅 Like its pretty drastically different in tone from the first two arcs and after some nonsense meeting Nel, Ichigo is not running around being a himbo like he does a lot in karakura arc and parts of soul society arc. Like I think a lot of ppl liked the show for the sense of humour & stupidity in the first two arcs and they prob stopped watching at arc 3 bc that stuff is relegated to like, kon, pesche, and dondachakka who are all sort of exhausting. And the latter half of that arc does the bleach thing where theyre flipping back and forth between like five very intense fights all happening at once, and then goes straight into another arc which is JUST that. So like, idk, I can see why ppl gave up on it bc it did become something different than the first two arcs. Where they had that going on a little, but also like Ichigo was training, and ori was hanging out with yachiru and kenpachi, and ichigo interrupts the execution lookin all badass. Idk, there was a lot to break it up, then the last few arcs excluding fullbringer is like, down to business everyone is popping off on SIGHT lol.

I never really thought of the two arcs as comparing rukia and orihime tho, which seems like it shouldve been really obvious, oops. Im gonna have to rewatch them now lol. But yeah, they did add a bunch to everyones character & complexity. The rukia/not kaien fight is one of my fave moments of the show. Orihime's journey for that arc felt like it started out so strong, like she's manipulated but then theyre implying shes pretending to be sucessfully brainwashed so she can destroy the hogyoku(?), and then that just goes nowhere for her. The end of the arc for her is ig supposed to add depth to her relationship & feelings for ichigo but I was way more interested in what her solo plan was tbh! Cause, yeah, it did start to subvert the love interest thing with her in that arc, where it seems like shes just there to be rescued, but then she has her own plan, but then shes being rescued. And like, there are a ton of other women who arent around to be love interests, and have all this interesting shit happening, but I wish orihime got something meaningful after that. (Tbh, I dont really like her and ichigo together bc their relationship with each other is like, the most boring thing either of them has in their lives, but oh well)

Like I also think bleach treats its women charcters pretty well for the time it was writen? And the point you made about, mostly the cool powerful women become useless to the plot after a season, thats true of like 99% of bleachs characters tbf (poor chad lol). I read somewhere, kubo said when he gets stuck he adds a bunch of extra characters & that definitely shows! The cast gets so big its sort of impossible for more than a handful to stay relevant. Plus I am a useless sapphic so I'm down for powerful ladies who are also sexy, like whats the problem here? The women are even pretty varied, except they dont really age past a point

The world building was so fun! & the payoff to things like the soul king being mentioned & then that comes back in the last arc! Or the flashback to when the vizards were turned & urahara was exiled! Or even just unohanas scary vibe then you find out shes an actual badass! All so good. Also I skipped all the fillers so that def helps my opinion of the show lol.

Sorry, I feel like I just blacked out and word vomited about bleach forever, hopefully most of it followed like, a train of thought? I tried to edit for coherency but then I ended up just adding more and its getting out of hand lol. Its just really nice to talk to someone about bleach who doesnt hate it or doesnt just wanna talk about fight stats

Uhh, you reblogged that "but Im tired" post like seven times back to back, you ok there bud??

Haha uhh... ^^; not really lmao.

I'll spare you the details, but I have been in an almost complete creative block since, like, February/March (which, like, lmao, depression always makes it hard to write, so I've sort of been dealing with writer's block since the start of 2019). My life picked up recently, which I thought would be good for my writing, but I'm just so fucking exhausted.

Before/during June, I was in a huge depressive slump, so I couldn't write anything through my sheer apathy. Now, I'm getting out of the house and working, but it's incredibly tough and horribly draining.

That's been my mood before all of this, but especially with working nowadays, I am just so fucking Tired.