#ℎ𝑒𝑎𝑙𝑒𝑟'𝑠 𝑙𝑜𝑔: journal

[somniclysmic]

   Absylvan is home to many creatures both great and small.  My head has swiveled so much from trying to see everything that there is an ache in my neck.  I can only catalog so much with my limited art skills, but… oh, the colors!  Avians of rainbow plumage; massive koudas with their adorable round ears, dark fur, and dangerous fangs and claws; serpents with shimmering scales…  The angorphilva is my favorite so far.  It boasts a copper and crimson pattern and paralyzing venom, but it is an empathetic creature and seems to know who is safe and who is not.

   Valian has given me some instruction here and there to practice during lulls in the party’s conversation.  He says that the elves can sense what part of their mind is receiving the messages, and so to turn the gift on or off, they visualize a pressure plate in that sense and push energy against it until it activates or pull it away until the opposite happens.  I thought this would be easy, but… there is apparently so much on that part of my mind that I can only move some of the energy.  He cannot explain why this is… and the forest continues to murmur about something ancient and about our great goddess.  Perhaps a deep prayer session is in order when we finally stop again, but I will need to find a sacred space to do it.

   When I pause to consider these things… I find I am happy with the distractions.  If I did not have them, I would be ruminating endlessly about what I left behind in Caetuath.  The potential conflict and carnage…  What will the Vandiirs do with Eylana?  How would she feel?  How much did she know?  And what will Milda do now that her pawn has disobeyed?

   Not even the soldiers will give me their opinions.

[somniclysmic]

   I recall the Absylvan Forest’s beauty from inside the carriage that brought my sister and I to Caetuath, but it is another thing entirely to experience it on horseback, with the gentle breeze on the skin and the rustle of leaves and crunching of dirt just within reach of one’s arm.  With Fall upon us, the flowers have started hiding away and the leaves are not as green as Spring.

   We’ve run into a few Elven guards along the road, and each time Valian has sent them on their way under the guise of escorting Zenos and his men to the edge of the wood.  I suspect they will return to Caetuath to let the king and queen know I am with them and safe, if the trees have not already told them.

   Nature’s chatter has died down only a little, and trying to listen to conversation alongside the murmur of the trees and bushes and roots is difficult.  I have asked Valian to teach me how to turn this gift off and on, and… he seemed confused.  “It can be taught,” he said, “but usually Elves have to turn it on first.  It doesn’t just stay on all the time.”  The voices began whispering about something ancient, something older than the Sargorian Mountains and all the living things of Salva’sah, but they were not direct and I felt rather silly speaking out loud in a one-sided conversation.  I still feel silly, even while alone.

   It is admittedly… a bit frightening, being among such new company.  Valian and Zenos are my familiar anchors, but there is so much I do not know… so much I feel ignorant about.  I have stayed close to Valian to give Zenos space to… be himself.  But he stays close to me regardless.  Perhaps he does not care if his soldiers know about our alliance?  Perhaps it doesn’t matter now that I am officially traveling with them.  He urges me to join him when he rides ahead to scout out the path, and we always return to the soldiers lightly teasing Valian.  He looks like he takes it in stride and has yet to say anything to me about it…

   I must be doing it again.  Worrying too much.  I am free!  I am finally away from all the rules and the oppression and the expectations!  I can do whatever I want… right?

[somniclysmic]

   I spent all of yesterday with Valian.  I thought it was the least I could do before abandoning him…  I feel rotten inside, but he deserved it.  He deserved to know how much I care… and that I do not leave because of him.

   I told him at the end of the night, as we walked along the cliffside where I healed myself.  I told him I could not stay, for I knew the truth.  He merely frowned and nodded quietly, but… he didn’t walk away.  He was silent for the rest of the night, but he did not walk away.  Perhaps it was his way of telling me he didn’t blame me.

   I convinced Zenos to leave under cover of darkness to bring less attention to my departure.  As his men were restless anyway, he agreed and this is the final entry I write in Caetuath.  I bid this beautiful city and its loving citizens farewell.  From here on out, I

   —————————

*thoughts recorded

   a stranger rode up next to zenos just a moment ago.  their face remained concealed up until i joined the general on his horse.

   valian… you are absolutely insane.  and yet i cannot deny the relief i feel at seeing you here.

   “by order of prince ithilomë, i am not to leave your side,” he said with a cheeky smirk.

   so it is true.  the vandiirs truly do feel guilty.  they truly do care for me.  i took this as ithilomë’s apology… and valian’s promise.  zenos did not object, and instead pressed for him to continue taking care of me.  that it will be better with two sets of eyes instead of one.  this caused a murmur among his men, but no one dared say anything else.

   we vanished into the night.  out of caetuath and into the absylvan forest.

[somniclysmic]

   I have finished packing my trunk.  I don’t believe I’ll be able to bring the whole thing with me, so I plan on venturing into the city to buy some traveling clothes and a proper knapsack.

   I feel sick.  Numb.  When I think of Valian, I nearly break down into tears.  I don’t want to believe his feelings and care are insincere…  With as many times as I’ve written and contemplated this, one would think I’d be able to form some proper beliefs.

   I wonder if I should tell him of my plan.  Would he try to stop me?  I don’t think I could bear it.

   ————————

   I ran into Eylana while I was out shopping.  She spoke at length about how much better things are now…  Ithilomë is behaving himself and she’s been sating her curiosity about the Salva’sian Demons…  She mentioned attempting to find Zenos, but he avoids her, so she talks to his soldiers instead.

   Useless prattle, I do not care!

   It won’t be much longer before none of this matters anymore.

   When Eylana freed my ear, I worked with the shopkeepers for quite a long time.  My new clothes fit perfectly and my bag is big enough for extra clothes and plenty of provisions.  I have no weapons…

   I will leave my dresses, save the most comfortable.  Soaps and perfumes… only one of each.  This journal will fit as well.  It has become sacred to me.

   Zenos sits across the room from me, pooling over maps.  I will share his horse and his tent.  His party contains skilled hunters, but perhaps I will buy a field guide for herbs in case I forget what is edible.

   They plan to leave at the start of Fall.  I have two days to steel myself for this…

[somniclysmic]

   I must write this before I forget.  Before I lose my nerve and my anger.

   To their credit, King and Queen Vandiir answered my request rather swiftly.  They claimed to have postponed plans for the evening...  Anyway.  My first concern was the voices I heard.  I asked how a healing session could possibly bring about another ailment, and I wanted to know what was so special about the woods around Caetuath to cause such a thing.  They assured me that nothing was amiss, but I pressed them more.

   ‘The voices claimed you would have answers for me,’ I told them.  ‘They speak of the citizens, and of a woman named Elanil.’  At the sound of her name, the king went pale.  He looked as if he might cry, and still I pressed.  Their responses were infuriating.

   After a moment of silence, the king explained that he and his wife also hear the voices.  That all elves can hear them, for they are the voices of nature.  Elves can do this.  I waited for more, and they admitted to knowing no other race in Salva’sah who could hear them.  I waited again, my hand hovering over my veil.  I would have the truth...

   “You are half Elf!” the queen finally exclaimed.  The king calmed her down and wiped his eyes.

   “Elanil... was your mother.  And my cousin.  I don’t know what House Belgrin told you... but Milda murdered your mother after she discovered your father’s infidelity.  Rather than let you two return to Caetuath, Milda kept you from us... as leverage against the king, and the Elves.”

   I could feel myself shaking.  My body wouldn’t move.  Everything crashed down around me and still there was more.  The marriage between Eylana and Ithilomë?  Puts the Elves in a position of power so they can seek justice.  Their conversation in the library suddenly made sense.

   My treatment in Ebenfyre... the scorn, the abuse, neglect, disrespect... all because of something beyond my control.  I am nothing more than a pawn.

   Well... no more!  I am grateful to the Vandiirs, but I refuse to be a part of this anymore.  I have packed the essentials, and I will be leaving with Zenos when he and his company depart for Duliath.

[somniclysmic]

   It is nearly the end of the season, and things are progressing slowly.  I am unsure of how much longer father will allow us to stay away from Alliaer.  The capital city misses its dear princess, I’m sure.  And I’ll go back to the temple and trade my identity for a figurehead title.

   Except... I truly do not want this.  In these days of rest, I have become more comfortable with the idea of knowing myself.  Valian has been careful sharing court news; I believe he wants to keep from stressing me out too much.  Zenos, however, has been quite candid about his kingdom’s plans to trade ore and weapons with the Dwarves.  The main road to Duliath has suffered severe damage, so they need a new route.  His offer to leave with him still stands.

   However, there is something more pressing I must address...

   These whispers will not cease.  They call me a child of Salva’sah and have hinted that House Vandiir may have some answers for me.  I will have Valian set up an audience...  Soon.  Very soon.  Before father calls Eylana and I home.

[somniclysmic]

   I had no time to write the day before...  People were in and out of my room, asking questions and checking my vitals.  They told me that Zenos found me and carried me back to the palace.  He had no explanation to offer, but... I suspect the cleansing drained me of whatever had been robbing me of sleep.  I can’t say I feel much better, but I am aware that something has lifted.

   Valian is asleep in an armchair next to my bed.  He filled me in slowly... very gently, speaking as if every word could potentially crush me.  He said the entire city buzzed with concern...  No one knew if I’d fallen ill or had been assaulted by some evil rogue.  Uthaurm’s soldiers were questioned, but they only seemed confused.  When I first woke, I tried to explain myself, but they would have none of it.  Poor sweet, innocent Selvala...  I’m smirking just looking at those words.

   Zenos found me because he knew where I’d be.  They are none the wiser.

   Valian mentioned my sister watching from the sidelines with Ithilomë.  she also had no explanation for my condition and seemed reluctant to discuss it.  He left it at that, going on to mention that he had a discussion of sorts with Zenos about me.  “Though incredibly aloof,” he said, “the general wouldn’t leave until he knew of the care you’d receive.”

   I am still wrapping my head around that one.  He risked the revelation of our secret just to make sure I was okay...

   And am I okay?  I don’t know.  I fear my sleeplessness is turning into insanity.  I hear voices on the passing breezes and in the rustling leaves.  They speak of the goings-on in the city, of how deeply Elanil is missed, and the light of my energy threatened by darkness.  The voices are fleeting, whispering fragments of memory and emotion.

   I pray that a few days of sleep will return me to normal.  And yet... I cannot help but wonder if this is the start of something much bigger.

—————————————-

*thoughts recorded

   valian is stirring.  if he finds me awake, i can write no more.

   stay asleep, my dear valian.  the wrinkle in your brow tells of your nightmares...  sleep, and let my aura heal you...

   that’s better...

[somniclysmic]

   One problem for another...  That is what I said last night... though it would appear I am not the one with said problem.  Eylana has expressed great curiosity about Zenos and his soldiers, but her attempts at getting close are constantly refuted.  Zenos likely wants nothing to do with her after hearing my woes.  Ithilomë seems annoyed, but he’s getting a taste of his own medicine, in my opinion.

   Trouble in paradise, I suppose.

   This lack of concern... well, it concerns me!  Never have I felt so numb, so... dead inside.  Perhaps the exhaustion is finally sinking in and burning through that which I hold dear.  No thoughts of Valian or Zenos comfort me...  Therefore I must put a stop to this before it consumes me.

—————————————-

*thoughts recorded

   it is late enough that i don’t encounter anyone on my way to the cliffs.  a blessing.  the wind feels refreshing.

   i have none of my usual tools, so i am forced to use this forest.  surely the trees will not mind.

   latching onto this energy...    it compels me to sing.

   my voice rises and melts into the breeze.  the rustling branches reach out and peel away the darkness.  tears stream down my cheeks.

   the energy of Salva’sah infiltrates every pore, every channel.  i am faintly glowing, and the beasts in the forest cry out.  it feels like they lament with me.  like they share my pain.

   i feel the weight of something immensely heavy lift from my shoulders, and i in turn become heavy, almost slumping into a heap against the bannister.  i choke out another verse of the hymn i chose, and then... blackness.

   a voice whispers: “sleep, child of Salva’sah.  the truth will set you free.”

[somniclysmic]

   It is late...  I can barely call it the 111th day of the season.  But I have just returned from the place I’d been visiting... the cliffs above the forest.

   As Valian said, Zenos and his men rode into Caetuath sometime around midday.  King Vandiir, Ithilomë, Valian, and several guards met them near the gate.  From my vantage point, I could not hear much... nor could Eylana.  She insisted we follow to make sure nothing bad happened.  What she expected me to do, I will never know.

   I do know, however... that Zenos’s soldiers were getting rowdy while negotiations were happening.  They taunted the guards and spoke and laughed loudly amongst themselves in their native tongue.  I kept my focus on the energy of the main exchange.

   The Elves appeared ignorant of my sister and me... but not Zenos.  His energy shot towards us and wrapped around me.  At this point, I could hear...

   The king offered the soldiers lodgings and food in exchange for peaceful behavior.  I was so relieved that he was not just passing through...  And though negotiations continued, a distinct “knowing” entered my mind.

   They would stay until a new route to Duliath’s capital was routed.  What could they be doing with the dwarves?

   Once a decision was reached, they rode further into the city, and Eylana and I “gathered” as spectators as the tavern was booked out, and the guards rode back to the palace to prepare a guest room for Zenos.

   His energy never let go.

   I somehow knew which room was his, and that he would be out by those cliffs...

   When he saw me, he immediately commented on the fatigue in my aura and face.  I told him I haven’t slept in awhile; he pressed for reasons.  When I didn’t speak, he said, “I’m asking to be polite.  I can just read your energy...”

   “Do you do that in all your interrogations?”

   “Only the important ones.”

   He stared me down until I conceded and told him everything.  I heard him growl a few times.  He asked how many nights I’d lost.  I told him four or five.

   “This ‘Valian’ better continue his care.  I believe Salva’sah has brought me here exactly when I was needed.  Should this continue, you are free to leave with me.”

   “Even after all this time?”

   He didn’t answer.  We just sat together under the night light, watching the trees sway in the wind.  Even now, it feels like he is here with me.  It feels like... I am trading one problem for another.

[somniclysmic]

   My nights have been sleepless...  Plagued by nightmares...  Each time I have tried to channel this into writing, I have failed.  Not even Valian’s potions can put me to sleep...  I told him to leave me be for awhile... to pretend as if everything was normal.  I also told him of my exchanges with Eylana.  He seemed troubled by my lack of action, but he conceded that I’ve been under great stress and was perhaps too tired.

   I am afraid to tell him what really went through my head.

   Between the marriage scandal and my own bitterness, a great deal of darkness has been hovering over me.  Everything feels scrambled and confusing.  Clarity escapes me.  Perhaps it is time I cleanse myself...

   Valian has informed me that Ithilomë has renewed his efforts to bond with my sister.  He has assured Valian that no matter what happens, he will not stop the blossoming of our relationship.  Neither of us could say with certainty if he left anything out of that promise.  He also told me that the king and queen have granted me freedom to wear my veil as I see fit once more.  That is one small weight off my shoulders.

   I asked if he knew anything about the black armored soldiers heading for Caetuath.  He admitted that preparations for the wedding have been put on hold to prepare for their arrival.

   “Are they truly such a threat?” I asked.

   “The black armor means they hail from the Lower Kingdoms.  Specifically... Uthaurm.  King Uthaurm is not with them... but General Zenos is.”

   I gasped before I could stop myself.  Finally, a bit of hope entered my heart.  Valian must have perceived fear, because he took my hands in his and assured me that House Vandiir would handle this diplomatically.  I was barely listening.

   Zenos would know what to do.  I’d thought to contact him before, but there is no way to do so secretly, or to even ensure he would get the letter in time.

   “When are they expected to arrive?”

   “Sometime tomorrow or the day after.  Don’t worry...  I will keep you safe.”

   I might have drifted off in Valian’s arms if not for all that plagues me.

   I need my clarity restored.  I must... objectively... assess things.

[somniclysmic]

   I had another conversation with Eylana earlier today.  She told me that she finally spoke with Ithilomë about his strangeness, and he confessed to requiring healing.  He assured her he feels better than ever, so Eylana expects him to return to “normal.”  I do hope he can keep up the charade... though I don’t even want to imagine what would happen if both heirs rejected the marriage.  Both sets of parents would be whining about it, I’m sure... though I have a hard time imagining father forcing Eylana to marry.

   If I wanted to, I could probably convince Eylana now to reconsider...  That would save father and Milda from whatever justice House Vandiir wishes to dole out.  I am still unsure who Elanil is... but perhaps it doesn’t matter.  What if... what if I want them to suffer as I have suffered?

   They’d be none the wiser, though I know father would wonder why I did not see it in their energy.  He is a fool.

   I admit, I... have never thought about allowing anyone to suffer if I could help it.  Such is my creed as a healer.  I wanted to rise above the darkness of Ebenfyre’s royal court...  Is this not precisely what they would do?  Keep silent in lieu of what is right for the sake of revenge?

   But what is right?  I thought I knew...

   Is it loyalty to my kingdom?  My family?    Is it allowing justice to be dispensed despite my personal ties?

   What is it that I want?

   Do I want Ebenfyre to fall under Elven rule?    Do I want Eylana and Ithilomë tp unhappily marry?    Do I want to go back to Ebenfyre knowing that things may never change?    Would Ithilomë give me a chance for a better life if he was king?    If he loves me as he claims, could he not use his power against me if it goes to his head?

   I see now that I cannot wash my hands of this unless I leave completely.  I would have to renounce my position with the Drago-Salva’sian Order... if I do things by the book.

   No matter what, it feels like I will never be safe.  Secrets are dangerous.  As much as I could ruin, I could also easily be killed.

   Valian surely cannot protect me from everything.  He has his own loyalties to consider.  Would he truly give them all up for me?  I...  I cannot say for sure, nor do I want to endanger him so...

   What do the Vandiirs plan to do if the Elves cannot face the Dragoroth in open war?  Are they bending the rules in their favor?

   I vowed to wash my hands of this, but I have too many questions...

   And chiefly I now wonder... what would happen if I simply walked away from it all?

[somniclysmic]

   I corrected my behavior after my last entry.  Though the numbness persists, I cannot allow my hand to show.  I have made no concrete decisions, as my search for Elanil’s identity is coming up empty.  It seems she is not a common public topic, so her death is either: old; taboo; or secret.  I do not expect the library to turn up anything if Eylana is required for revenge, so I am stuck until something falls into my lap.

   The rumor mill has churned out many other things, including Valian’s newfound openness, Siofra’s ludicrous claims being quashed, and the encroaching soldiers in black armor.  It seems they are headed for Caetuath.  Won’t that be fun...

   Father has sent Eylana a letter requesting updates, and she did everything she could to hide it from me.  But I am much sneakier than her, so I caught her mid-reply when I stopped by to “complain” about Siofra.  Back in Ebenfyre, Eylana would have rushed to my aid, entirely outraged...

   Here in Caetuath, she seemed lost.  Didn’t know what to do or say.  She couldn’t look me in the eyes.  Of course, I defaulted to asking how she was, for she didn’t look well...

   I suppose she couldn’t hide it anymore.  She broke down in tears and sobbed in my lap, sputtering about feeling so alone and out of place.  She confessed to noticing Ithilomë’s strangeness, and no matter how hard she tried, she just could not seem to get closer with him.  She lamented on and on about not understanding what she did to deserve this...

   And then... she said something I did not expect.  She asked: “Is this how you feel in Ebenfyre?  How do you bear it?”

   It blindsided me, but I kept my composure.  “I had you,” I told her.  “I had my big sister to protect me, and make me feel like I had value.”

   I saw something stir in her energy after that.  The spark of realization.  She broke down and said nothing else.  I suspect she realized her mistake...  And this would normally be the part where I heal her so she feels better and can operate without such darkness... but I did not want to.  So I asked myself why I was willing to help Ithilomë but not Eylana.  Why did I feel sorry for Ithilomë but not Eylana?

   The only answer I could come up with was that Ithilomë stroked my ego, while Eylana betrayed me.  That sated me in the moment, and I refused to analyze it further like I normally would.  I vowed to wash my hands of this when the prince was healed.  He is healed, so it is no longer my problem.

[somniclysmic]

   I have felt unusually numb for the past three days.  I’ve been taking meals in my room, wearing my veil, and have been relatively silent.  After all, there has been much to sort through.  The view of the forests from the cliffside has been quite helpful.

   Valian and Ithilomë’s revelations have forced me to step back and re-evaluate my perspective.  I recall now something Queen Milda told us as children: “The power a person holds is not always obvious from the outside.  People carry weapons with no corporeal form, things that can cut another down without leaving a single wound.  Mind your step as you climb to the top, Eylana.”  She pretended I wasn’t there, but I overheard it all the same.  The longer I look at what I now possess, the more ironic it feels that Milda did not include me in her warning.

   I have in my lap... secrets.  Eylana might not want to listen, but if I believe Valian, then I no longer care to tell her.

   I have Ithilomë wrapped around my finger without even trying.  I hold the heart and secrets of my sister’s chosen.  I have the power to completely destroy their relationship.

   Eylana’s behavior is a perfect source for rumors.  I could ruin her image in the eyes of the Elves even more than it already is.

   I know the scandal behind the marriage.  I don’t know who Elanil is, but I need only send word to father and war will fall upon the Elves.  A war they don’t have the strength to win, by their own admission.  Father is horribly paranoid, and he shifts around in his view of me.  I am both valuable and worthless...

   And even on top of all of this, I have Valian at my side... and General Zenos waiting for my summons.

   It really is quite incredible...  Even my healing arts are regarded as some kind of weapon.

   I spent so much time worried about my safety and what others thought of me...  And it will be allowing them to continue underestimating my soft heart that will keep me safe in the coming days.  I will not show my hand so soon.  I will let Eylana think I am clueless when I go to her to “vent” about this nuisance putting her hands on Valian.

   I will, however, be looking into who Elanil is.  If I know of the reasons why justice is being sought, then I will hold more power.  I must be discreet...  I could ask Valian, but... I’d prefer him ignorant.

   It really is unusual.  I hold the threats of war and death in my hands, and I feel nothing.  Not a shred of remorse, pity, sympathy, empathy...  Could this be the start of that Old World saying: “Demons run when a good man goes to war”?  When the capacity for kindness has been so abused and run dry... that there is nothing stopping the light from burning everything it touches...

   I never thought I would or could become like that... but every day this numbness persists, I believe more and more that it is possible.

   Now... what will I do?  Do I choose Caetuath?  Or Ebenfyre?

   Or perhaps... neither?

[somniclysmic]

*thought entry

   “right this way, your majesty.”

   where are they taking me?    ...oh...    “prince ithilomë?”

   “yes...  i’m so sorry to call you so suddenly.  surely you’d rather not work on your trip...  but i am afraid i am in need of your skill.”

   “i see...”  we’re alone now...  “please get comfortable.  tell me what ails you...”

   “i fear... there are things i must expel from my energy field.  i am... not sure of the best way to do this, so...”

   “of course...  well, i see no physical energy wounds.”  of course not.  “therefore the origin is mental and / or emotional.  for you, i would suggest a vocal fire cleanse.”

   “did you just pick up the flame from the lamp?”

   “indeed.  now, concentrate on the fire.  you will feel something pull at you.  do not fight it.  let the stream come forth and the fire will burn away the darkness.”

   ...i knew this would happen eventually.  he looks hesitant.

   “i... i want to do the right thing...  i am supposed to marry eylana and unite our kingdoms... but... in my heart... truly... i dread this.  i do not love eylana the way she loves me.  i wish... i was free to choose my own partner.  i wish that politics and love did not overlap.  it’s so unfair!  i wake up every morning wishing she would hate me.”

   ...i feel sick...  keep going...

   “i feel like a horrible person; as each day passes, it gets worse.  how can i marry someone when i crave their sibling?”

   ...why couldn’t i have been wrong...

   “i am so sorry...  i think of you every night...  every moment i am with you makes my heart race.  i love valian as a brother, but i curse him for getting to you first.  i yearn to have you in my arms.  when i hold eylana, i pretend it’s you.  you both smell of angelilies and avodils.  it’s not hard.  she has tried to have sex more than once, and i dare not!  i will utter the wrong name.”

   ...be professional...  don’t gape...

   “these forbidden feelings...  i cannot escape them.  i wish i could be the son my parents expect me to be, but i am rotten and selfish... and yet the desperation has grown to the point of considering polyamory.”

   ...he’s crying...  he won’t look at me...    ...perhaps i am rotten too.  i should not be excited by this...  there is only trouble to be found there...

   “i will not ask for pardon; i don’t deserve it.  i will try to love eylana...  i have no other choice.”

   the fire is fading.  he must be empty... but now what?    his energy is still seeking me out.

   “this cleanse will not rid me of these feelings, will it?”

   “no...  it will only rid you of the darkness they create.  if you cannot conquer them... then these sessions may become a regular occurance.”

   “but what use is another confession?”

   “that is not the only tool in my arsenal.  i will continue to help you.”

   “you are a better person than me.  you would make a beautiful queen.”

   ...he kissed my hand and left...    ...what do i do now?

   i am sworn to secrecy.  i must take it to the grave.

[somniclysmic]

   People are talking far too much.  It seems Siofra has started spreading rumors, and Valian has spent most of the day doing damage control, according to a couple of the guards stationed at the castle gate.  This is an absolute disaster.

   I do not want to stay in Caetuath a moment longer.  I have contemplated the consequences of leaving on my own...  It is not the roads I fear...

   In fact, I fear my emotions are getting away from me... but this is getting too big for me.  I want to tell Eylana, but she will not listen.  I am truly at a loss.  I keep trying to find comfort in Valian’s words, but there is little.  I can barely trust the people closest to me; nevermind total strangers.

   Perhaps... I am truly afraid of things changing, because I do not know what fate will befall me.  Am I truly an innocent to House Vandiir, or is that just another ploy?  But what advantage is there to wrapping me up in everything?  Unless they are looking to secure my favor by making it look like I’m favored...?

   I have asked myself more than once why I should care...  I am a bastard; I have no value in my blood.

   Perhaps I will take a walk.  Outside the city.  With my equus.

   I do not know how much longer I can remain here.  At least I know Ebenfyre.  Terrible as it can be... there is at least a tiny bit of comfort to be had in the familiarity.  I’m sorry Valian.  Perhaps in another lifetime more kind to the both of us...

   I am sick thinking of it.  But is there not still a chance he is a farce as well?

—————————————-

*thoughts recorded

   did he really come calling at this hour?  does he no longer care what people say?

   ...apparently not.  he is furious.

   wait, what is he...?    no... she wouldn’t...

   “that cannot be right!  my sister would never--”

   “selphie, please... open your eyes.  she has not been herself since leaving ebenfyre, by your own admission.”

   “but... why though?  why would she set something like that up?”

   “i...  have you ever seen her retaliate out of jealousy?”

   “she never had anything to be jealous of in ebenfyre.”

   “but here, she does: you.  you are beloved here as she is in ebenfyre.  your entire dynamic is flipped, if i recall what you’ve told me correctly.”

   ...no...  it can’t be...  so siofra is eylana’s doing?  what else has she done that i’ve foolishly dismissed?

   i want it to be a lie...

   but there is no falsehood in your energy...

   “valian...  i...”

   “come here, darling...  remember...  i will do everything in my power to keep you safe.  i no longer care about decorum...  i cannot be honest with you if i follow it.”

   “and what is left to say?”

   “i believe i’ve spoken enough...  let me stay by your side tonight.  perhaps... i can help you sleep.  you have dark circles forming...”

   “but how will you--”

   “let me care for you.  please selphie...  you don’t have to do this alone.  you are not in ebenfyre, where the royal court is always against you.  caetuath will not mistreat you so...  i will not...”

   he’s serious...  he’s really running my bath... and making me tea...  should he not being doing this for ithilomë?

   but... i never had a personal retainer before...

   i’m so confused by these feelings...

[somniclysmic]

   This is all so very tiring.  Again, I am thinking of Eylana and Ithilomë... of Valian and King and Queen Vandiir...

   I shouldn’t care.  I... I did not realize until now just how much anger I harbored.  If my father and stepmother need to face justice, let them face it!  If Eylana is hiding things, let her hide them!  I vow to wipe my hands clean of this once Ithilomë is healed.  I cannot... continue like this!  I can feel no sympathy right now.  I fear... corruption in my heart.

   Zenos once asked me... who cares for me while I care for others?  I still do not have an answer.  I

----------------------------------------

   I have never come so close to a physical altercation as I did a few hours ago.  That woman, Siofra...  She had her hands all over Valian, no matter how much he protested...  I barely remember the words exchanged... only that I got between the two of them and stayed there until she gave up and left.

   Valian seemed so grateful...  He is resting on the daybed near an open window.

   I am trying not to cry.  The stress...  It is getting to me.  It is so different when one’s heart is on the line.  I cannot let him hear...

----------------------------------------

*thoughts recorded

   he nearly saw...

   “that is twice now you have come to my aid... please let me repay you.”

   “you don’t owe me anything.”

   ...didn’t he hear me?  leave my... hair... alone... oh... that feels...

   “may i touch you as you have touched me?”

   “yes...”