#…it’s guaranteed to be in ur current phone several years later!!!

[c3s6]

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I FOUND THE PLAY DATE PLAY YAN “EDIT” I MADE ON AN AUTOMATIC EDIT MAKING TEMPLATE APP CALLED VINKLE WHEN I WAS LIKE. 14 OR SOEMTHING NOoooooooo

[cooperfmarchive]

𝒉𝒆𝒍𝒍𝒐  𝒊𝒕'𝒔  𝒎𝒆  again  !  lenny  back  at  it  with  another  long  ass  intro  ,  are  we  surprised  ?  below  the  cut  ,  you  can  learn  all  about  my  emo  boy  cooper  !  just  like  with  val’s  ,  give  this  post  a  LIKE  and  i’ll  slide  into  ur  dms  to  plot  !

also  ,  just  an  fyi  :  i'll  probably  be  a  little  bit  on  and  off  for  the  next  day  or  so  ,  but  i'm  always  available  to  reach  via  dms  because  i'm  unhealthily  attached  to  my  phone  !

(  tw  :  mention  of  drugs  ,  addiction  )

𝐡𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠  here  and  do  i  have  the  tea  for  you  .  𝑪𝑶𝑶𝑷𝑬𝑹  is  back  on  campus  ,  which  is  surprising  considering  the  threatening  note  i  left  them  .  yes  ,  i  know  all  about  𝑯𝑰𝑺  𝑺𝑯𝑶𝑹𝑻  -  𝑳𝑰𝑽𝑬𝑫  𝑺𝑶𝑩𝑹𝑰𝑬𝑻𝒀  because  of  their  𝑮𝑳𝑼𝑻𝑻𝑶𝑵𝒀  .  imagine  the  tabloids  and  how  the  𝑨𝑽𝑬𝑹𝑵𝑨  family  would  feel  for  such  information  to  come  out  ,  not  to  mention  the  reputation  of  𝑺𝑰𝑮𝑴𝑨  because  of  their  actions  .  at  this  rate  ,  he  is  better  off  staying  put  in  𝑩𝑬𝑳  𝑨𝑰𝑹  ,  𝑪𝑨𝑳𝑰𝑭𝑶𝑹𝑵𝑰𝑨  and  living  off  that  1.2𝑩  family  net  worth  .  what’s  the  point  in  studying  𝑴𝑼𝑺𝑰𝑪 𝑷𝑹𝑶𝑫𝑼𝑪𝑻𝑰𝑶𝑵  with  plans  to  𝑻𝑹𝑨𝑽𝑬𝑳  &  𝑷𝑬𝑹𝑭𝑶𝑹𝑴  𝑾𝑶𝑹𝑳𝑫𝑾𝑰𝑫𝑬  ,  is  it  worth  it  with  what  i  know  ?  anyways  ,  they  may  want  to  continue  to  be  𝑪𝑯𝑨𝑹𝑴𝑰𝑵𝑮  &  𝑫𝑬𝑿𝑻𝑬𝑹𝑶𝑼𝑺  because  the  𝑨𝑫𝑫𝑰𝑪𝑻𝑰𝑽𝑬  &  𝑹𝑬𝑻𝑰𝑪𝑬𝑵𝑻  attributes  make  me  want  to  spill  .  (  austin butler  ,  lenny  ,  mst  )  .

*  /  ———  𝑻𝑯𝑬  𝑩𝑨𝑺𝑰𝑪𝑺  :

full  name  :  cooper johnathon averna

nicknames  :  coop , cj

age  /  birthdate  :  twenty3 / june 15th , 1996

gender  :  cis male / he , him

sexuality  :  pansexual

hometown  :  bel air , california

major  :  music production

*  /  ———  𝑻𝑯𝑬  𝑩𝑨𝑪𝑲𝑮𝑹𝑶𝑼𝑵𝑫  :

ok so funny story !!! i started writing this out , and then i kept writing ... and writing ... and writing ... and then my “ intro ” turned into a whole ass “ biography ” for my boy cooper so !! you can find that Novel right here ( the end is still a work in progress tho ) . below will be my attempt at the spark notes version of it all , although i can almost guarantee it will still get out of hand because i , like our lord and saviour jenna marbles , cannot control my too much gene !!!!

so our boy cooper is the older brother to our fav twins , summer and wynter averna ! together , the three of them are the youngest generation of the averna family . powerful , renowned , and manipulative — the avernas are made up of a long line of successful politicians . currently , daddy johnathan averna is the governor of california , and this heavy legacy has weighed upon cooper’s shoulders for the majority of his life .

in short , cooper is best described as the black sheep of the averna family . while his other family members are power - hungry , manipulative , and thick - skinned , cooper could be described as weak - willed , personable , and charming . this was a major disappointment to his father , john , because he’d been hoping for a son that would follow in his footsteps and grow up to make incredible moves in politics , but cooper couldn’t have been further from what a politician should be , and this caused for a severe lack of affection and validation from his parents on cooper’s part .

at school , however , cooper filled these holes with the popularity he gained within the halls of his private school . everyone wanted to be his friend and the affection and compassion that he lacked at home was made up for by his large circle of friends . but unfortunately , things were not as picture - perfect as they seemed , and in his sophomore year of high school , cooper discovered that his girlfriend had been hooking up with his best friend and in an extreme domino effect , cooper learned that the “ friends ” he’d surrounded himself with were just as power - hungry and manipulative as his own family and were using him for the sole purpose of gaining popularity and getting a taste of the prestige cooper’s surname promised . 

but cooper here is far too soft and desperate for affection , and his fear of loneliness far outweighed his desire to have meaningful relationships so he couldn’t bare to actually cut those who’d been using him out of his life . so instead , cooper found himself diving deep into bel air’s party scene , the adrenaline and excitement of it distracting him from the fact that everyone around him didn’t really give two shits about him .

cooper’s partying kind of snowballed from there . long story short , his parents literally never noticed that cooper had even an inkling of a problem , which further distanced him from his family . and as soon as cooper was eighteen , he booked a one - way ticket to europe to do what he does best : run away from his issues and drown them out with alcohol and drugs . 

he really just wanted to escape the weight of his surname and putting as much distance between himself and the spotlight that followed him constantly seemed like his best bet . and for about a year , it really worked for him . he bounced around europe , discovered its beauty and culture , and partied day in and day out , all while forgetting the legacy he’d left behind and finding what he wanted to : music — but we’ll get to that later .

but just short of a year , cooper got caught up in a drunken brawl in amsterdam that left him with a concussion and broken hand . luckily , daddy came to the rescue after a phone call from cooper and john paid off everyone involved in order to keep the story under wraps , but under one condition : cooper return home to bel air and attend university to hopefully clean up his act and get a degree .

cooper started at hollingsworth as a business major , but that didn’t work out as easily as he’d been hoping and he was just barely scraping by at the end of his sophomore year . however , when he was home for the summer , cooper rediscovered his love for music upon finding the belongings of his that had been shoved away by his parents two years prior , and he made the switch to majoring in music production when he returned to hollingsworth for his junior year .

his parents still do not know about his change in major , for cooper knows they wouldn’t believe it’s a viable career path for him to take and he also has an innate fear of disappointing them . he’s got some severe daddy issues , having always desperately craved the validation of his father but always lacking it because his dad only believed in only one possible future for his son : carrying on the averna legacy in politics . cooper realizes that it’s ridiculous , and that he is more than free to do what he wants and brush off his parents’ judgements , but that is a lot easier said than done unfortunately .

to briefly touch on his music : cooper’s voiceclaim is sir sly — edgy , emo , electronic alternative music . he’s incredibly passionate about his music , often spending many late nights in hollingsworth’s recording studios . he taught himself to play guitar while in europe , but upon enrolling in hworth’s music program has learned how to play the drums , keyboard , and properly project his vocals . he’s also gained experience in mixing and producing music , of which he mostly does himself with his own music . currently , he has one released album ( you haunt me ) , but is working on his next one ( don’t you worry , honey ) already .

*  /  ———  𝑻𝑯𝑬  𝑪𝑯𝑨𝑹𝑨𝑪𝑻𝑬𝑹  :

label(s)  :  the muso , the maverick , the enigma , the black sheep

muso ( a person who is musically talented )

maverick ( an unorthodox or independent - minded person )

enigma ( a person or thing that is mysterious, puzzling, or difficult to understand )

black sheep ( regarded as a disgrace to a family )

notable traits  :  charming , reckless , dexterous , addictive , reticent , truculent , intelligent , compassionate , adventurous

aesthetics  :  a sharpened pencil scratching against paper , ringed fingers plucking guitar strings , a piercing gaze , pursed lips , cigarette smoke curling in evening air , soft t - shirts and black jeans , shiny silver and gold jewelry , masculine cologne 

in  a  nutshell  :  basically , cooper’s an enigma at first glance . he has a mysterious aura to him : his gaze is shielded , his voice quiet , and his posture reclusive . he often prefers to keep to himself in unfamiliar situations at first until he gets a feel for the atmosphere , and the way he’s usually hunkered over a journal definitely screams “ leave me alone . ” the walls he built around himself in high school remain strong , because he knows he’s far too soft - hearted for his own good . overly eager to protect everyone he meets and show others the love and compassion he desperately craves for himself , he’s a walking contradiction in the way that he puts distance between himself and others , fearful of letting them too close , lest it be revealed that they’re only using him for his elite legacy and his heart be broken once again , but his need for attention and companionship has made him incredibly skilled at making you feel like there’s little to no distance separating him from you , distracting you from realizing that you actually know very little about him with his infectious smile and exciting presence . everyone’s a friend of cooper’s , at least on the outside . but if you’re lucky enough to actually wiggle through a crack in his walls , you’ll find a heart far larger than expected , a passion for music that he’s eager to share with others , and a protectiveness for his loved ones that is reminiscent of the brother you always wanted .

*  /  ———  𝑻𝑯𝑬  𝑺𝑬𝑪𝑹𝑬𝑻  :

it’s no secret that cooper loves to party — he’s all over hworth’s party scene , often one of the first to call for a round of shots on a night out — but what is a secret is cooper’s addiction to drugs , specifically but not limited to cocaine . 

upon his return to bel air , one of the promises he’d made to his family was that he’d stop using and beat the addiction that had haunted him . the news of cooper’s addiction was the last thing his father wanted to get leaked to the public , fearful for his own reputation as a clean , respected public figure if his own son had fallen prey to drugs . and for a while , cooper was able to bury his addiction and avoid his kryptonite while at parties — but as school became more stressful he found it increasingly difficult to continue to do so , and one night someone offered a line to cooper after a particularly stressful exam and he gave in , and the flood gates opened .

when he was younger and first entering the party scene , cooper had almost openly flaunted his drug use , probably as a cry for help to his seemingly clueless parents , but since relapsing he’s learned how to keep it behind closed doors . only a fair few know of his drug use and cooper will go to any length to keep it that way .

*  /  ———  𝑻𝑯𝑬  𝑴𝑰𝑺𝑪𝑬𝑳𝑳𝑨𝑵𝑬𝑶𝑼𝑺  :

wanted plots .

pinterest .

spotify .

also !!! i feel like i need to address the topic of cooper’s hair , because many of the resources that i will be using of austin have him with blond with long and shaggy hair , but cooper’s hair is actually what austin’s is right now : dark and cut short . but to kinda explain the photos of blond!austin , cooper actually bleached his hair and grew it out whilst travelling in europe as another act of defiance towards his family and to distance himself from his past self . over the past summer , though , he cut it short and dyed it back to his natural brunet , purely an impulse decision TBH , but also probably a weird metaphor for how he initially went blond to distance himself from his legacy , but now that he’s pursuing a career that really distances him from it , he went back to brunet as his own fucked up way of still trying to appease his parents’ fucked up expectations .

[musical--android]

Shining Live Basic UI Guide

(( hey there !! for all that don’t know me i’m ami and i’ve been deep in this fandom for several years now. since i play a lot of idol games the ui for shining live is pretty standard-ish for me so i thought i’d give my kinda take to explain the ui to the best of my ability until something better comes out !! disclaimer: i know EXTREMELY limited japanese so most of this is my attempt at this. so with that out of the way let’s go !! ))

to start everything off we’re at the home screen. the bar at the bottom is your main navigation to go from home screen to story and so on, but we’ll cover each section later on.

underneath the box which shows what your chosen idol is saying are as follows: your giftbox, the news tab, your friends, and missions.

giftbox: pretty standard. this is where things such as login bonuses and live rewards will go and can be picked up from !!

news tab: basically anything that’s new and happening with the app.

friends: this is where your friends list will be along with your received requests, sent requests, and where you can search for people via id and whatnot.

missions: this is where missions can be listed. completing these missions will reward you with a set number of scouting gems.

here is a basic look at the friends section. there are four tabs at the very top. when you first click on the button for friends your friends list will be the first to display. the tab next to your friends list is the requests you have received from other players. sent requests is where you can view the requests you have sent to other members. the final tab is where you can search for other players using 2 specific methods. the top bar my guess is by nickname but i am not certain. the 2nd search option is by ID. this is where you can search for your friends using their game id. below will include your nickname and then your id.

this is the page for the stories. it is pretty straightforward as each form of story has a what it is underneath in english but here is basic info for each section.

main story: this is where the main story is which by completing you can unlock songs. a story chapter is unlocked by story tickets which can be obtained via leveling up. each story you view gives you 5 gems.

side story: these are stories you unlock by filling out your idols’ memorial boards on their cards (more to be explained later on). each story you view gives you 5 gems.

event story: most likely stories for events. currently no events thus no event stories.

next up is the idol menu. here you can view the different idols. you can do various things such as change costumes, change partners, and so on.

This is the general layout for each idol. the top bars switch from this layout to their general character profile.

costumes: this is where you can change your idol’s costumes. costumes can be unlocked from filling out the memorial boards for the idols. (again explained later)

portraits: portraits of your idols unlocked from completing specific side stories for each card.

backgrounds: change the overall background for the game. can be unlocked through stories.

bonds: your idol’s bond with other idols increased via them performing on the same team.

set as partner: set the idol as your partner. will appear on main screen.

here we have the songs. you can play songs you have unlocked on one of the 4 different difficulties and gain gems for scouting upon either getting a specific score, getting a specific combo, or completing the songs a certain number of times.

the other tab is your general “b-sides” songs. here you can play these songs for specific “tokens” used for idolizing your cards. the songs here have a limited mount of time available and can be seen underneath. currently Shining Romance and FORCE LIVE are available for 32 more days. the 3rd song cycles out every day.

here we have the place where you scout. the tabs above allow you to filter between different kinds of scouting. currently the other tab is only capable of being scouted with PAID gems. so if you’ve bought gems you can make do with this. it is pretty straightforward for most idol games. here the scouts can give you anywhere from rare to ultra rare cards. it is most recommended to wait to scout for 11 as you receive at least one guaranteed sr or above.

note: if you are playing this for the very first time and have your guaranteed ur ticket there will be a 3rd tab where you can proceed to use your ticket in order to receive your guaranteed ur. mine isn’t here as i’ve already received mine.

here is the general menu for lessons.

teams/live members: this is where you can create your teams to be used for playing the songs. you can have up to 6 teams.

lessons: this is where you level up your cards. you can use exp orbs dropped after live performances and available in certain purchased packages or you can use other cards.

special lessons: this is where you can use duplicates of two of the same card together to essentially “limit break” them. similar to other idol games.

memorial board: this is where you can use the moon/sun/star tokens to strengthen, idolize, and unlock things such as stories/costumes/quotes with your cards.

bromide: basically the collection of cards you own.

medal shop/exchange: here you can sell your cards for special coins/medals. chich can be used to unlock backgrounds, tokens for your memorial boards, and other coins/medals.

here is the basic look at the teams/live members menu. you can have up to 6 teams that you can cycle through. the menu with the pen on it is where you can change the name of your teams for better organization. the yellow button is what you press to set a specific team as your main team. the white button is to auto build team.

upon clicking it there will be a set of buttons. on the left it will have you choose from auto building a team based on either balanced, dance, vocal, or act.

the other half will allow you to filter specific cards for that team such as only wanting act cards for your team rather than building a team that includes dance and vocal cards as well.

here is the basic layout of the lessons menu. you will select a member and from this menu you can choose to use either cards you have or exp/skill orbs to level up your card’s level or its skill level. unfortunately for this screenshot i do not have any exp or skill orbs to show. press the red button to confirm your choice for the lesson and white is to cancel.

the special lessons can only be used with duplicates of each card. as i currently do not have any there is not much to show aside from a blank screen. it is pretty straightforward though. it will provide you with the cards you have duplicates of. select one and then you will be prompted to select the other(s). you can confirm and there will be a little number next to them to show if they’ve performed a special lesson or not. in my screenshot for the lessons menu you can see an otoya, a masato, a tokiya, a syo, and a reiji card each that have performed one special lesson each.

here is a look at the memorial board. just as with the lessons menu you can choose any of your cards in order to enter the memorial board to fill out using either the moon, the sun, or the star tokens to unlock side stories, costumes, quotes, and to idolize your cards. this can also increase the strength of your cards as well. if you do not have enough tokens you can choose to use your gems in order to unlock things,

a special note: for quick gems for scouting fill out your memorial boards with all of your normal cards you received from the tutorial. they each have one story and by viewing each story you can get 5 gems for each boy.

here is the bromide(?) menu. here you can view the cards you own. it is pretty straightforward.

here is the medal/token exchange. here you can sell your cards for specific medals/tokens. red is confirm and the white next to it is to cancel. clicking the button underneath the medals/tokens will bring you to this menu.

here is where you can use your tokens/medals to exchange for various items such as better tokens/medals, tokens for your memorial board, and backgrounds.

and finally we have the menu.

album: album of all the cards. you can only look at the ones you own.

shop: where you can purchase gems, lp, and extra member slots.

medal exchange: covered above

inventory: where you can check the gems, tokens, tickets, etc that you have.

profile: where you can view and edit your profile.

settings: general settings such as bgm volume and voice volume

live settings: where you can change things for the lives such as speed of notes and calibration.

help: general help

data transfer: where you can choose to connect your account to twitter ids/etc in case of wanting to change phones or as general back-up so you do not lose your account.

websites(?): provides links to the utapri website, shining live website, and shining live twitter.

terms of service(?): i assume terms of service.

??: generally do not know. if anyone knows feel free to tell me and i will fix this.

EDIT ( 08/29/2017 ) - additional translations can be found on this reddit thread !! including game & live settings translations along with missions and whatnot !! please check them out !!

[meepface]

Evens for the ask thing!

thank you this was fun and extremely time consuming (which is good because i have nothing to do ever)!!

200: My crush’s name is:

Caitlin!!

198: I am really:

gay

196: My eye color is:

green

194: My ring size is:

uhhh @ caitlin: mine is a 5 right

192: I am allergic to:

shrimp i think, possibly red wine also, the fake metal they put in earrings, cedar pollen, also i’m lactose intolerant which i’m assuming counts here

190: My 1st job was:

TCBY frozen yogurt

188: My bed is:

the only place i can really fall asleep and Stay asleep

186: My best friend:

is the cutest look at us!!

184: Xbox or ps3:

xbox but i’ve never played ps3 so i’m biased

182: In my pockets:

they are empty

180: Marriage is:

not something i Need but if my partner wants it i will get married, i just don’t believe i need to get married to be committed to someone for life. it’s just never been as big of a deal to me as it is to most people but i would marry Caitlin in a heartbeat

178: My mom:

is the kindest most accepting and supportive person i know!! she is so great i love my mom look at her

176: Last YouTube video watched:

i sort of started this one by Miles Mckenna but i stopped to do this lmao

174: Do you have any siblings?

one brother!

172: Are you taller than your mom?

no

170: What did you do yesterday?

yesterday i worked until 3 and then visited Caitlin and then went home and saw my family for a bit and then went back to visit Caitlin at her work again until she got off and then her and i went and got a cinnabon and she talked to my boss about getting a job at my work and he basically interviewed her and guaranteed her the job on the spot and then i took her to dairy queen so she could get a blizzard and then we kissed a lil and went home!! a good day

[ I Believe In ]

168: Luck:

yeah i guess

166: Yourself:

honestly?? yes i have really started to!!!

164: Heaven:

idk i like to think it’s real but i feel like i logically think it isn’t but i also feel like who knows you know

162: God:

i believe there’s probably some sort of God but i don’t necessarily identify with really any religion and never really have so i think sure there’s probably something up there helping us out but who knows what lmao just be good to people and respect everyone’s beliefs and we’ll find out later

160: Soul mates:

i don’t believe everyone has just one i think everyone has multiple soulmates in multiple different fields (like platonic, romantic, etc) and i think that everyone has several people in each field that they could really click with like idk i refuse to believe there’s only one soulmate for everyone and too bad if you don’t find them

158: Gay Marriage:

absolutely. this is just common sense. i’m not big into the concept of marriage but i know damn well i don’t want that right taken from me if i choose to marry

156: Orbs:

idk no tbh 

[ This or That ]

154: Hugs or Kisses:

uhh i love both a lot but i’m always down for hugs n cuddles

152: Phone or Online:

online??

150: Blondes or Brunettes:

i’ve always liked brunettes but then Caitlin came along and changed the whole damn game for me so now i really don’t know. blondes but like, only Caitlin and nobody else

148: Summer or winter:

winter

146: Chocolate or vanilla:

boring, give me mint chocolate chip

144: Oranges or Apples:

oranges

142: McDonalds or Burger King:

i don’t really care for either but burger king i guess bc their chicken fries are good

140: Mac or PC:

mac just bc i’m so far up apple’s ass

138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor:

sweet and poor lol? 

136: Hillary or Obama:

obama

134: Singing or Dancing:

i like to sing because sometimes i can sing well and whenever i dance i look like an embarrassing dad chaperoning a middle school dance but trying to be cool and dancing along

132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks:

who

130: Wal-Mart or Target:

target is my second home

128: Manicure or Pedicure:

manicure ig

126: Your Birthday or Christmas:

christmas!! i love givin people gifts

124: Disney or Six Flags:

six flags

[ Here’s What I Think About ]

122: War:

stop (but sometimes it’s necessary)

120: Gay Marriage:

again, it’s common sense lol marriage is for everyone who wants to get married

118: Abortion:

it’s the person with the uterus’ choice

116: Reality TV:

i dig it ngl

114: Back stabbers:

dumb

112: Facebook:

it’s nice but people who use it excessively are obnoxious and people who excessively share/comment their opinions on it are also obnoxious. take a break live offline a little

110: My Neighbors:

i have nice neighbors one of them is wealthy because he’s the drummer of a famous christian band so they’re always either throwing parties of out of the country and then my other neighbor lives alone with her annoying dog Chewy who roams the roads of our neighborhood and chases cars and almost dies and then my Other neighbors have an annoying ass kid named Sabrina who set loose one of my pet bunnies when i was little and i never forgave her. also one of my neighbors used to have a meth lab here but he got caught 

108: Designer Clothes:

rock those clothes if you can afford them

106: Sports:

i don’t get into them but i don’t hate them either. i used to want to be in softball or tennis or basketball when i was in high school but i never tried out

104: The future:

bring it on (gently)

[ Last time I ]

102: Last time you ate:

i had some froyo about two hours ago

100: Cried in front of someone:

i cried in front of my therapist a little last Wednesday

98: Took a vacation:

my family and i went to NYC for a few days right before Christmas last year

96: Changed a diaper:

i never have honestly

94: Went to a wedding:

oh man it’s been years but it was my cousin’s wedding and he has two kids now and my other cousin got way too drunk and disappeared from the reception and we found her at a starbucks eating dried fruit that she bought

92: Got a piercing:

forever ago BUT i think i’m finally going to pierce my ears for the second time on Friday!! i hope i stop talking about it and actually do it

90: Texted: 

i texted Caitlin like 20 minutes ago and i need to text her back but i keep doing this (sorry babe i love u i see ur texts give me just a minute ok)

[ MISC ]

88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is:

my brother, my dogs, my parents, the comfort of my comfy bed and my big room, my dad’s cooking, no neighbors close by so it’s always nice & quiet

86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most:

figuring out what i want in my life and getting myself there, my music fest this summer, pride, my friend’s 21st bday, seeing my girlfriend tomorrow, learnin how to love myself even more, therapy next wednesday (no particular order)

84: People call me:

elyse, that ginger girl

82: I have gotten a speeding ticket:

i have not!! one time a cop pulled me over when i was going 10 over with Caitlin in the car and my insurance was months expired and he asked where we were going and we had to tell him we were just going mini golfing. he set me free with just a warning

80: The first person i talked to today was:

well i texted Caitlin first thing in the morning but i spoke to my mom, so

78: The one person who i can’t hide things from:

Caitlin probs, she can always tell when something’s wrong

76: Right now I am talking to:

well i would be talking to Caitlin if i would pause this for a second to text her back (i am so sorry babe i am on a roll please forgive me)

74: I have/will get a job:

i have a job at TCBY frozen yogurt right now but i am planning to get a second job (maybe at target or petsmart?) and test it out and use TCBY as my fallback just in case they don’t work. TCBY is such a chill happy job so i don’t wanna give it up quite yet. plus i get employee of the month all the time because my boss loves me, sooo

72: Today:

i had work until 4 and i was super duper productive so that felt really great!! i got a compliment from a customer and my boss!! and i made $7 in tips which was a lot considering how slow it was!! and then i visited Caitlin for like 5 minutes maybe and then i went to therapy and got froyo at menchie’s with my mom and then came home it was a good day!!!

70: Next Weekend:

i have no plans that i’m aware of yet. i am probably working though

68: The worst sound in the world:

a fork or knife scraping against a plate. my entire body shivers

66: People that make you happy:

caitlin, my mom, all my friends, my brother, my dad, my grandma, a few of my coworkers, my regular who always compliments my eyebrows, the guy who makes me breakfast tacos at this food trailer nearly every morning, my internet friends, my therapist

64: My friends are:

so great and supportive and positive. i love all of em so much

62: My School:

its so nice!!!! it was great going from a high school in an all white conservative small town in texas to a very diverse and liberal and happy college. i love it there and the campus is beautiful and i’ve made so many lovely supportive friends and i see my girlfriend every day!! and my classes have all been good (except modern biology 1300)

60: I lose all respect for people who:

are ignorant and disrespectful to others for no good reason, people who are rude to their waiters, people who can’t seem to mind their own business, people who slut shame, people who are racist/homophobic/xenophobic/etc,

58: Your hair color is:

red !! look at how cute i am 

56: Favorite web site:

runescape HIGHKEY

54: The worst pain I was ever in was:

physical was probably when something was seriously fucked with my stomach last year and it was Cramping and the doctor said it was a stomach bug but it felt like i was actually dying, emotional i do not want to talk about publicly !

52: My room is:

a disgusting depression cave and i should clean it now that i’m feelin good again

50: Where would you like to be:

with my girlfriend or maybe in iceland (or both)

48: Ever been in love:

currently

46: More guy friends or girl friends:

as a kid i had more guy friends but as i’ve grown i have more girl friends! this bitch learned

44: One person that you wish you could see right now:

my girlfriend !! also it would be nice to see my grandpa and grandma again i miss them a lot sometimes :( 

42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die:

i have!! one of my best friends and i are gonna go skydiving after we graduate college so soon i will get to check something off so that’s exciting to me

40: Last person I got mad at:

one of my parents, i think it was my dad most recently

38: I wish I was a professional:

psychologist 

[ My Favorites ]

36: Vehicle:

i don’t have one lol hondas are nice bc i have one and it is nice

34: State visited:

i really loved oregon and south dakota and montana!! california would be nice to revisit because i hardly remember it but i’m sure i’d love it there too. and i loved ohio for sentimental reasons 

32: Athlete:

venus williams

30: Actress:

shit i don’t know probably Emma Stone since she’s my real mom

28: Band:

twenty one pilots because i’m a fake deep emo loser and i hate myself :/ 

26: Grocery store:

HEB (only texans get this like if u agree)

24: Movie:

probably either The Secret Life of Walter Mitty or Silver Lining’s Playbook 

22: Animal:

i love bears and also bunnies

20: Holiday:

Christmas

18: Sport to play:

tennis and basketball and baseball are fun!!

16: Book:

the entire Junie B Jones series

14: Beach:

i don’t have one i hate them all (a beach in Hawaii would be really nice to go to though since the water isn’t like…. gross there)

12: Thing to cook:

i can’t cook don’t get me near a kitchen or the house will burn

10: Restaurant:

Hunan Lion, it’s a lil chinese food restaurant that like nobody knows about or cares about or goes to but it’s SO GOOD and i could eat there every day

8: Yankee candle scent:

shit i don’t know whatever smells like christmas

6: Flower:

sunflowers & daisies

4: Talk show host:

ellen degeneres & seth meyers & jimmy fallon

2: Dog breed:

i like border collies and golden retrievers and french bulldogs

(OKAY I WILL TEXT YOU BACK NOW CAITLIN I LOVE YOU)

[wishingfornever]

10/19/17 – Extensive Contact:  To Forgive, Never Forget

Current time is 11:55.  I had several dreams last night that I’d like to share.

The first was a dream that Wendel, my childhood home in the middle of nowhere, was being renovated.  As in I drove in and there was a Pizza Hut, a McDonald’s, and a Walgreens there as I drove back into it. I had to leave for something and there were more Pizza Huts and multiple McDonalds’.  It was becoming a town with a lot of emphasis on these two businesses.

Second dream… it was about Esther.  I had returned and she and I were talking again.  She was very polite and very nice.  Asked for forgiveness and I said, “It’s alright, you thought it was best. I’m just glad you’re back.”  We were cleaning around the house and she said she’s single again.  I took the hint and asked if I could be her boyfriend again and have the second chance I never really had.  She agreed.  

There was a lot we were doing and I proposed that we can get her a ticket to come back to Houston with me when we were done there.  She couldn’t have been happier.  I asked her if she’d want to read the journal.  She said yes.

My thoughts at the time was, “Oh, boy!  I can’t wait to tell my journal that she and I are getting back together!” which was later followed by, “Wait, am I still going to post it?  I guess we’ll see when she’s done.”

Then I woke up.  I was so upset when I woke up.  I should have known it was a dream.  She was too compliant.  This is destroying me.  :/

The original blog is still up.  Did I ever explain what that was?  I think I mentioned it, but never really got into it.

She started it when we started dating.  She posted these little posts about our relationship.  I had to guess the password.  I believe I shared that password, actually.  That said, they were very inspiring. It gave me hope.  It was a very supportive platform.  Posts when things were still somewhat good… they’re in white with blue text. She basically stopped posting when we were in California.  The last post when we were in a relationship goes like this:

“6.2.2017

Its hard opening up about what’s going on inside of me. I usually wait until it passes & try to ignore it. Today was different. Part of healing is acknowledging what you feel & accepting it. Part of doing that is communicating to the people around you about whats happening.

Just saying, ur hella special. Ur welcome.”

The last post goes:

“9.3.2017

The end.”

That fucking hurts.  It hurts so bad.  I just wish we could see eye to eye again.  If I had three wishes, I’d wish to be the person she deserved.  I wished she was always happy.  I’d wish for another chance.  I don’t like it, but this is how things are.  This is my biggest regret.

I really don’t feel like doing much of anything today.  I think I’ll go back to my room.  I’m sorry.  But, looking at the bright side, at least you won’t have to hear me talk about my every moment of the day this time.  I’m sure that’s a bonus to some.

I’m back.  Only after an hour.  I asked Daniel to talk to Esther. Hopefully let her in on the fact that Dennis lied to me, her, and everyone else.

Just spoke to Shane.  He seemed to have denied lying.  Told me much more about the subject.  It’s possible that he was lying to me, but it’s even more possible that Dennis is the one who was lying.  I’m not sure who to trust right now.  I want to trust Shane, but I feel I’m confronted by my own bias.  I need advice.

Who do I trust?

It doesn’t matter.  I guess this is all the next step for the drama. Maybe she’ll be more suspicious of Dennis.  Maybe she’ll begin asking herself the right questions.  Thing is, if she doesn’t want to believe then she won’t.  For her own securities.  I guess that’s why I never figured he’d do this to me.

You know, I’ll be happy if Esther just talks to me again.  Like we used to.

Daniel denied telling Dennis anymore than I asked him to.  He’s a nice guy.  I trust him.  Whether he’s honest or not is irrelevant. Shane told me that I should watch what I say with Daniel.  Because he told Dennis something I told Daniel which was something told me. Typical drama bullshit.  I proposed the idea that Dennis went through Daniel’s phone when drinking.  He uses it for music when they do drink.  So, it’s open and easy to see.

Personally, I’m not sure I believe Dennis was going through his phone.  But, again, I also do believe Daniel is telling me the truth.  A third possibility is that Shane lied to me and was able to guess that I told Daniel.  Sort of a cold prediction where I admit he was correct despite him not knowing anything.

It’d make sense.  What he accused me of was far more than I actually told Daniel.

Anyways, looking back at when she blocked me.  It was… unusual.  Why did she block me at that time?  I was about to message her.  It’s possible that there is some supernatural bullshit going on and that supernatural bullshit caught on to me wanting to message her and pushed her to block me before I could.

Of course, blaming the unknown for a failed relationship is pretty outlandish.  I mean… I saw something the night she finished picking up her things.  She’s changed vastly.  There could be something else going on but I’m not sure.  Maybe she needs a priest.

I wouldn’t force her to see one.  I’m not religious.  Hell, I’m not even certain about what I saw.  I was in a fragile state.  The mind is poison… it’s possible it was all in my head.  Or I could just be in denial.  I’d have to experience it further.  Maybe if I come back, I’ll take some time to meditate.  Try to connect.  Don’t remember the name of the suicide victim from before.  I’ll have to look back in the conversation with Shane.  He told me his name.

Or maybe I spoke to him via voice chat.  Fuck.

Shane told me that they intend to get an apartment in Susanville.  I guarantee they won’t be able to afford that.  I hope they do. Their relationship won’t last and Dennis will have to move back in with his mom.  Maybe Esther, too.

The thing with Dennis is that he gets very offended kind of easily. Like, after enough time, he’ll actually become aggravated with someone.  Probably not his fault.  He’s something of an introvert. Doesn’t like to be around anyone for too long.  Esther will learn that.

Anyways, I just got a bunch of work with the bank done.  I didn’t go to Starbucks, but maybe I should call them.  This is all necessary to get my Kickstarter up and running.  April 1st is when it’ll end, I’ve decided.  Because I’m a fool.  Appropriate, I felt.  I’m calling Starbucks now.

They didn’t pick up.  Might be a problem with my phone.  But I was able to call Golden 1.  They shouldn’t be busy, this is the slowest hour.  Google confirmed that.  I’ll call again tomorrow.  I’ll try to wake up early and call between 10-12 and then again at about 3-4.  After this week, I’ll look for a different place to apply. I’ll need to print out my resume.

If I get asked about the blanks in between, I’ll let them know that I wrote a book and now I just need an editor.  Hopefully, that job will be able to afford me an editor as well as rent and food while I’m at my cousins.  It’s stressful to try to deal with that as well as the drama between myself, Dennis, and Esther.  I guess Shane, too. Daniel as well.

I guess I’ll get to editing my book today.  Or as much as I can. Before the Kickstarter goes live, I want it prepared for an actual editor.  I might change entire scenes is why.  Character names will change.  There would be a lot of differences.  Today, I’ll be productive.  I’ll end it with my sets and a shower.  Get back into the swing of things.

Adela also told me I wasn’t learning Spanish.  She’s right.  I haven’t been able to find time for Spanish.  I need to get Rosetta Stone working again.  Thing is it glitched out and made me redo an entire chapter.  Fucking.  Bullshit.  Was I doing badly?  I don’t know when I’ll be able to just speak Spanish with my cousin, but I understand what she says to Max.  Mostly through context and keywords.

Adela told me I looked skinnier.  I told her I lost ten pounds since I got here and she said, “Oh, I can see.  Did you lose it at your feet?” I watched as she tried to fight back a smile.  I told her I’m telling my mom and she laughed.

Alright, so…  Adela tried calling Starbucks and no one picked up.  Weird. Fate of the universe working against me?  Who knows.

For now, I spoke to her about Saturday.  I’ll make her breakfast.  She prefers her eggs scrambled.  I’m switching out my seasoned salt for Himalayan pink salt, the shit Esther got.  I have to twist it so it won’t add too much salt, not that the seasoned salt would be too overwhelming.  I’ll chop up spinach and put it in the eggs with onions and carrots.  No broccoli because Adela doesn’t like broccoli with eggs, which is unfortunate.  That broccoli will last a while, so I’m not concerned.  It’s a large bag and it’s frozen. Should have a decent shelf life.

Anyways, I’m going to get started on editing.  I won’t start on Rosetta Stone until I get some chapters done.  I’ll try to dedicate an hour a day to Rosetta Stone.  Rosetta Stone claims that it’ll take 200+ hours to learn everything so should be about 7 months.  Oof.  That’s a lot but with Adela, I’ll probably learn it faster.  I’ll finish at about May, probably.  Hopefully, I won’t need to worry too much about Rosetta Stone resetting my lessons again.  If so, I’ll just manually skip it.

Perhaps I should be more patient, but I have a lot coming at me at once.  Kickstarter, my book, Spanish, a job, losing weight, and perhaps more goals I can’t think of or haven’t shared yet.

When I can afford it, I’m legally changing my last name.  To Molinero. What’s on the book.  It’s more to reconnect with the heritage I denied myself when I was younger.  The best time to plant a tree is thirty years ago.  The second best time is right now.

It’s 4:26.  Time to work.  Later.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2U0Ivkn2Ds

I’m… looking for a good ambient song.  I went through my favorites.  Found that.  I feel… broken.  I hate music right now.  I’m sensitive and I can’t handle it.  I’m easily swayed.  I’m easily wrapped up.  Pushed.  And, apparently, easily forgotten.

But I don’t forget.  I could never forget.  I could only forgive.

I was looking for something without woods with a gentle melody. Something that I could fall asleep to.  Help me think. Unfortunately, I found something with lyrics.  Helping me think about my current misfortune.

Esther… if you’re reading this a year from now on Tumblr, just know that I’ve never stopped caring about you.  I know, I should have moved on but I’m not that kind of person.  Maybe if you’ve read all this.  Maybe if you know that I’m such an idiot.  Maybe then you’ll know what kind of person I am.  There are no lies in any of this. Only the truth, no matter how painful it is.

I want to die.  I would rather die.  This is the worst breakup I’ve ever had.

I was rethinking the night you left.  Or rather, I left you.  I should have stayed.  I should have ensured that you were brought back.  I should have reasoned with you.  You should have reasoned with me. Then again, I know now.  I know that Dennis is a piece of shit.  He is such a fucking monster and I never knew.

It’s… somewhat ironic.  I tend to be able to know a person just by being in their presence.  I can’t explain it but my gut tells me not to trust someone or that they’re a good person or whatever.  Thing is, I knew Dennis far longer than I started being able to judge people. My niece used to ask for my opinion on her boyfriends.  I gave it, then she told me, “But he’s so sweet.”  I was a pushover then. I told her go for it.  Needless to say, they didn’t last longer than a couple of weeks.

I guess I never learned to measure Dennis’s character.  I was socially inept at that age.  I just wanted people to like me.  I saw him as, “New friend?!” and wagged my tail.  He was such a dick to me.  Tried doing everything he could to get me to stop bothering him. Claimed to have had a restraining order.

Eventually, I grew on him.  Or, at least, so I thought.

What a fucking bastard.

Anyways, I found some flute music.  Supposed be Chinese, not sure if it is or isn’t to be honest.  Title is “Beautiful Chinese music Instrument Endlesslove 10 different songs” so maybe it is.  Maybe it isn’t, who knows?  Endlesslove, though… upsetting to see.  It’s been a pain in my ass thus far.  It’s not getting any better.

I had to get the notes from Esther.  These notes… she printed out my story.  Read it.  Gave notes.  She was going to be my editor.  I lied to my parents about her being somewhat professional because I really didn’t want my dad on my fucking back.  I’ve had a lot of problems with him.  One of the reasons I came to Houston.

I asked her to not talk about my book that much.  Keep it hidden from him.  Bless her heart, she tried but he asks so many questions.  He asks… inappropriate questions, too.  My dad has become less socially aware as of late.

Regardless, I need her notes. She read my story when I guess it was in pre-alpha?  Left a lot of notes.  She also said she wanted to see more action.  Kind of lead to the rewriting of a chapter.

I appreciate what she’s done. I tried to get Dennis to do it.  Said he couldn’t get into it.  I don’t think he even tried, to be honest.  I tried getting Jer to, as well.  He wouldn’t, of course.  Later on, he did offer again but it was too late.  I was going to have him edit after the edits with Esther.  But, things happen slowly.

Christ, it’s hard to go through the pages.  She got through 64… she did such a good job.

I asked Daniel to tell Esther that I wanted to thank her but couldn’t.  I know she won’t reopen lines because of it, but she’ll know I’m genuinely grateful. She… has bad spelling though.  Of course, I say that using spell check but… yeah.

She still did a good job.

She would ask when we would edit next but I was always too grumpy.  I guess I was more of a slave to my emotions then, even now.  So, we only got so far.  Now, I only have these notes on 64 pages.  They’re good notes… a lot of tips and advice. I guess I took her for granted.  I let her into so much more of my life than I thought. Than she thought.  I’ve never been like this after a breakup.  I’d have moved on by now.  But this is different.  This is so different. I hate it. Esther made me feel something I’ve never felt before.  True love?  Maybe.  Just not for her.

Ugh…  I…  I don’t hate Dennis.  I don’t.  He just aggravates me and everything I heard about him had a spin added to it.  It’s just… Dammit.

I forgave him.  For everything. We’re talking again.  I added him on Facebook.  We’re legitimately talking about the good ole times.  And of course… Esther admitted that she hates me.  You can see why.  During the discussion, Dennis pointed out more of the things I did which were not cool.  Before I continue, know that Esther had a troubled childhood.  Her stepfather was the reason she moved in with me.

Anyways, Dennis pointed out three things about Esther.  I knew she was cutting and did nothing about it.  The thing is, I expressed concern but it wasn’t concerning enough for her.  I didn’t want to be compared to Andrew, so I tried to be relaxed about it.

Here’s the thing.  Each time she cut, I blamed myself.  I felt HORRIBLE when she cut as if I failed her.  And I did.

She was also afraid of me because of my anger.  Which, is true.  Like Andrew, her Step-Dad, I was a very angry person.  I upset easily.  Road rage, that sort of thing.

And I would also make her flinch because I thought it was funny.  Yeah, I did.  It’s fucked up but I did.  I regret doing it.

I had a lot going on in my head. Not good things.  However, to those who are still following this, you’d see why she was angry to begin with.  Is that enough to hate me for?  Maybe.  All I could do is let her know I changed.  The rest is out of my hands.

This is comforting, strangely enough.  Didn’t get to work on my book but I got something else done.  Shane is angry with me because I said he called Esther a whore, and he did.  However, I can’t seem to find the message. Like it vanished or something.

Oh, shit.  Shane deleted it.  I just checked to see if it were possible.  Totally deleted without a trace.

That mother fucker…

Ah, well.  I’m pretty stressed but the drama between us is officially over.  I guess I could end the journal here, but who knows what’ll happen next.  I hope I’ve been completely honest about everything so whoever reads this would be more aware of what happened and can make their own opinion from it.

There were a lot of players in this particular game.  Daniel, of course, was relaying information to Dennis.  He admitted it.  Esther admitted it.  Feeling betrayed by Daniel, but it’s nothing personal.  Still, he lied to me.  Dennis lied to me, too.  But I feel he’s been more honest from our conversation.  Doesn’t mean he won’t lie to me later, but he deserves the benefit of the doubt.

This is the time to move on. He’ll add me on Skype probably and after a while, we can finally begin rebuilding our old relationship.  I can’t confirm that he’ll be completely honest with me at any point, but he swore he was trying to stop lying.  I want to believe him.

I guess… I was very angry at him.  I don’t hate Dennis… I don’t hate anyone.  There are a few people who’ve earned my ire, but he… well, he and I can work past that.  A lot is changing.  Life is a river and you’re dragged by it.  When you find yourself at foreign banks, then try to make due with what you have.

Still.  I want Esther to talk to me again.  She just… won’t talk to me.  I know why she removed me.  Coincidence.  I was told to tell Randy to tell them that they’re crap.  So he told them I told him that they’re crap.  So, she removed me because she was angry with what I was doing.

She had a right to be.  Perhaps she’ll get over it.

I really don’t feel like doing anything.  I could edit, but I lost my drive.  That was a lot of emotion.  It was for the greater good, but it was a lot of emotion nonetheless.  And I just discovered that it takes 3 days to verify my identity and bank account.  Fuck.

Oh, well.  Now that I’m talking to Dennis, Daniel doesn’t have to keep reporting on me. Dennis will want to know what it’s about.  You know, the me telling Daniel not to trust him.  Yeah, I’ll let him know.  There is a lot I’ll have to explain, but there will be time for it.

I feel… bad.  I hated Dennis so much, at least I thought I did.  I mean… I don’t think he really apologized.  But I forgave him nonetheless.  I just wish he were a better friend from the beginning.  Let me know things were getting bad between Esther and me… then again, Esther told him to be hush hush about it.  Something else was that he spoke about me a lot to Esther.  Like he’d point at places and say, “Oh, we did this thing over there.”

Yeah… he wasn’t the best of friends… but he appreciated my friendship more than I knew.  That made him a better friend than I actually gave him credit for.  With Esther, I saw all the good.  With Dennis, I saw all the bad.

Ironic.  With Esther, she saw all the bad.  With Dennis, he saw all the good.

I’m going to watch some videos.  Then I’ll go to bed.  Tired.  Emotionally drained.  I feel comforted, don’t get me wrong… but I also strangely feel… defeated?

Good night.