#…​like so fast that the hamster flies off and the wheel just spins on its own for a bit…

[sunlightfeeling]

brb giving all my worldly possessions to momochan

[theghostofashton]

“i wasn’t lying when i said that i loved you.”

this is mostly vent and then i added a plot. y’all wanted to see it, so here it is

trigger warnings - depression and maybe a couple mentions of suicide

“Get out.”

“Fuck, I didn’t mean-”

“Get. Out.”

“Aws-”

“Get the fuck out!” He screams. The world is hot, too hot. It’s red, flames licking up his arms and smoldering his skin, like the words are doused in gasoline and fire has started to burn from within. It incinerates everything in its path, sparks and burns and sends the pain steady throughout, on a wavelength that never wavers, a passage that passes into the hollows of his chest and turns everything into ash.

He digs his hands into his hair and yanks, pulls, tears, hears the tiny snap and feels the pinprick of pain that comes with ripping out hairs that close to the follicle. The world is spinning. He can’t see it – his eyes are clenched so tightly shut that the red blobs are making their way across the once-black field of vision – but everything feels like it’s moving. It’s happening so fast. He doesn’t know what to do.

He can hear Geoff say something. It’s too soft. Everything is too loud. He’s drifting between the two, floating in that purgatory with his hands over his ears and duct tape over his eyes, deaf and blind and curled into a ball, unable to hide from a world that was so destined to be unkind.

It won’t stop.

He wants it to stop.

He doesn’t know what to do.

He doesn’t know how they got here.

He doesn’t know why any of this is happening.

He doesn’t know-

It’s red and hot and burning into his back, sticking his shirt to his skin, why is this happening how did I get here why won’t it stop what the fuck just happened it won’t stop why won’t it stop it won’t stop I can’t do this I can’t breathe what the fuck just happening Geoff no fuck lies lies lies-

He heaves. The breath feels jagged, slicing down his throat and sitting heavily in the pit of his stomach. It flies out as quickly as it came in, latches itself around a piece of his abdomen and yanks it free easily, leaves his body heavier than it entered, laden with the weight of a tiny piece of him.

He’s in pieces and the world keeps taking. It’s an ache that leaves him gaping, a hole in his chest that fragments keep being stolen from. Each one hurts more. Each one feels like the first, stings worse and hurts all over, why does this keep happening why do they keep doing this why can’t it just be easy why can’t things just work out why does everything always have to be hard I’m so fucking tired of everything always being hard I’m so fucking tired of everything always being hard-

I am so fucking tired of everything always being hard.

It’s fine for a while. It is. He falls into a routine and everything that’s to settle into a comfortable ridge, get into the groove and deepen the rut with each passing day. He appreciates it. Things should stay the same, fall into their same places and continue on the way they always have been. It’s the false sense of security it always is, everything is okay and I don’t wake up wishing things were different, everything is okay and I don’t wake up wishing for more, everything is okay and I don’t wake up wishing I hadn’t.

Everything is okay and I don’t want to die anymore.

He should’ve known never to get comfortable. He should’ve known it would never work out. He should’ve known the universe wasn’t going to turn around and offer him everything on a silver platter, promise forever like he mattered, they don’t care about you. The world doesn’t give a shit about you or whether you’re struggling or how bad your life is. The carousel never stops turning. Life goes on. Deal with it.

And he’s trying. Really, he is. He’s trying to shove it all back down, force it into a box it’s far too big for and dig that straight down into the hollows of his chest. He’s trying to will it away, pretend it doesn’t exist, stop thinking, you’re sad all the time and you need to stop. This needs to stop. Everything’s always going wrong and everyone’s tired of dealing with it. You need to stop.

But bad things keep happening and he’s scrambling, running on his hamster wheel as fast as physically possible, trying to stay upright and keep moving as an outside force knocks him down again and again. He’s trying to sprint and tripping over himself while his lungs are burning and his chest is in his throat and the world feels like it’s going to end at that very moment.

Geoff said he was okay with it.

He said he could handle it he said it wouldn’t be a big deal he said he’d be there no matter what he said you were stuck with him he said he was never leaving he said he said hesaid-

Geoff promised the world. Little did he know how quickly that would unfurl.

Geoff promised forever and he believed him, like dipping one toe into the pool and hurling your entire body in immediately after. One taste and you’re hooked. He was telling himself no but Geoff kept saying yes and it all happened so fast the next thing he knew they were moving in together and calling each other home he never thought it would turn out like this he never thought it would become so overgrown, so like every other relationship he’s had he never thought it would turn out like this he never-

He’s a burden to everyone. That’s not news. It’s not something he hasn’t heard before. The weight on his shoulders is pulling him down and the people he’s attached to are being dragged with him. Geoff didn’t ask for, didn’t sign up to, didn’t want to date unwashed hair and greasy sheets and 3 am I don’t know if I can do this anymores. He didn’t want to date the hollow bones and picked over carcass, the rolled out, once saturated paint rag, once vivacious, once animated, once existing.

Existence is a reality he no longer recognizes. He’s floating above it and trying to cling to it but the balloon is pulling him farther and farther away. He’s hanging onto whatever pieces he can but even they are melting away, dissolving into him and eclipsing any reminder of what he once was.

Geoff promised.

Geoff promised.

Geoff lied.

He lets his head hit the wall behind him, pulls his knees further into his chest and squeezes his eyes shut. He promised forever but forever is finite he promised forever but forever is finite he promised-

He promised forever but forever is finite.

They found an apartment with a patio. He remembers the day they did, remembers stepping onto it for the first time and feeling something shift in his chest. He looked out at the building across the street and the busy corner below, at the trees waving off to the right and the expanse of city stretching out just in the upper left corner.

It wasn’t much but it felt like everything.

He remembers imagining sitting out here and writing, watching the cars go by and the sky change colors, swell from blue to purple and pink and orange, before being swallowed up by all the black. He remembers imagining loving it, imagining the chilly summer nights, curling up against Geoff and watching everything going on down below, pressing cheek to chest and taking a breath and realizing this was where he wanted to be for the rest of his life.

He lives in fantasy because reality feels like tragedy.

“Sunshine?”

“Go away.” His heart is back to racing and everything is starting to wake up again. He forces down a swallow. “You don’t wanna be here anyway.”

“I never said that.” Geoff sits down next to him and lifts an arm, to which he squirms back, presses his body closer toward the railing and bites down on his lip. “Aws…you know I love you.”

“Don’t do that.” His throat feels raw. The words hurt coming up, like they’re forcing themselves through a barrier between his throat and his esophagus and the journey is war torn. “Don’t act like nothing happened. You know what you said.”

“It’s too much.” It’s not the first time he’s heard it and he has definitely been repeating it over and over in his head for the time he’s been with Geoff, but the words still send every stinger into his skin, sharp pinpricks of pain exploding everywhere. “Sometimes,” Geoff qualifies. “I won’t lie to you, love. Sometimes, it is too much-”

“So you won’t lie to me now, but you were okay doing it all those times?” Everything feels hot. The world is turning red at its edges, black spots amongst a background that’s darkening more and more.

“Aws, I-” Geoff cuts himself off and shakes his head. “Sunshine, can you please look at me?”

He moves his head the slightest few inches, turns only marginally to get a view of Geoff’s face. His eyes are red and his cheeks are pink. Some strands of hair are sticking up from the top of his head, a result of grabbing and pulling and running his hands through his hair so much.

“I love you,” Geoff continues. There’s a rasp, a slight hoarseness to his voice. “I wasn’t lying when I said that. Any, of the times I’ve said that. I love you for everything you are and I want to be with you, all of you, for the rest of my life.” He stretches his hand out, and Awsten lets him take it, lets him cover it with both his hands and start to rub with the back of his thumb. “But I hate this. I hate that you have it, I hate that it exists, I hate the amount of things it’s managed to ruin-”

“Would you love me more if I didn’t have it?” He doesn’t move, doesn’t breathe, doesn’t even blink in Geoff’s direction. Please. Please. Please-

“No.” Geoff’s reply is strong. “I love you with everything I am. This doesn’t change that.”

“So, why…” He shakes his head and forces in a heavy breath. “Why keep telling me it was okay? Why say it didn’t bother you? Why make me feel like my bad days were okay when they weren’t?”

Each new question feels like tearing out a part of him, like he’s ripping himself to shreds and offering every single one to Geoff, here’s my heart and here’s a hammer. Go to town.

“Because this isn’t your fault,” Geoff says. He squeezes his hand and sighs. “At the end of the day…I can hate the circumstances and the problem and genetics, for doing this to you, all I want, but it doesn’t change anything. You’ll still have it. There’s no cure. So telling you…I didn’t wanna make it worse, Aws. I didn’t wanna make you feel guilty. You have nothing to feel guilty for. You have nothing to be sorry for. I’m the one who should be saying sorry.” He pauses. “This is just- this is me, tryna deal with all this the best I can. This morning was bad and I was frustrated, but not at you. I’ve never been mad at you.”

“Do you think I don’t hate it?” He sits up and scoots closer, presses himself against Geoff’s side and intertwines their fingers together. “Do you think I don’t imagine what life would be like if my fucked up head wasn’t holding us back?”

“Aws-”

“It sucks,” he plows on. “And you can tell me that. M’not fragile. You don’t havta treat me like I am.”

“I love you,” Geoff repeats. “And I hate that you’re hurting and I can’t do anything about it. It’s not fair. I don’t- I don’t like feeling this helpless.” He says the last part softer, only audible because Awsten is pressed against him and can feel his chest moving as he talks.

Awsten sits up on his knees and turns, puts both hands on Geoff’s shoulders and moves them to his neck as he leans in and their lips touch. Geoff rests both hands on his abdomen and winds his arms around Geoff’s neck, leans into the kiss and presses their foreheads together once it ends. “You are the biggest reason I’m tryin’ so hard ta fight this,” he murmurs. “’Cause I know what we could have. What we will have, one day. And I wanna get better and I wanna get there and you make me feel like I can.”

“We’re in this together, okay?” He keeps talking, just as Geoff opens his mouth to respond. “We’re a team and we can’t be that if we don’t talk. We can’t be that if you don’t tell me the truth.”

Geoff smiles. “I know, love. I will. As long as you promise not to blame yourself. This isn’t your fault.”

“I love you.”

Geoff kisses him. “I love you, too.”

He doesn’t know how much time has passed. He doesn’t remember when he falls asleep; all that he knows is Geoff is warm and the dust is starting to settle and every stinger is retreating back into its hole, pressed inside by the warmth that’s eclipsing everything. It’s sparkles and warmth and bright. The cards don’t feel stacked against him anymore. The walls are starting to lower. He can see the light.

He can see the light.

He smiles to himself and curls further against Geoff.

Maybe some fantasies do come true, after all.