#… because there are other alters with less limited vocabularies

[daydreamerdrew]

The Hulk! (1978) #14

[haggishlyhagging]

[Hag’s note: The newly-created word “unalive” sprung to mind while reading the first paragraph of this section.]

Euphemizing what speakers perceive to be negative or repugnant aspects of the world is a familiar discourse tactic, and I've discussed it at various points in this book. Euphemisms pretty up people, objects, behaviors, and events perceived by members of a culture as bad, immoral, or terrible, and they allow us to distance ourselves conceptually from "them." We forget that we are "they." To gauge the degree of repugnance with which people perceive someone or something, we need only count how many euphemisms are available in the language. Death and dying, for example, aren't perceived as celebratory events in western cultures, and we have numerous euphemisms to avoid mentioning death explicitly: "pass away," "gone to one's reward,' "pushing up daisies," "gone to heaven," "meeting St. Peter," "crossed the final bridge."

Poverty and aging are also aspects of the real world speakers euphemize. In a society that boasts of the wealth only a few actually enjoy, poor people are a repugnant embarrassment, and expressions that suppress explicit reference to the people who live in poverty proliferate apace with superficial attempts to provide them with better living conditions: "the poor," "the poverty-stricken," "the homeless," "the economically disadvantaged." These descriptions make both victims and agents invisible as people and hide the fact that the structure of u.s. society perpetuates poverty. Poverty itself is an abstraction made purposeful agent in poverty-stricken, in which the human agents and victims are suppressed, as though the condition "struck" the unnamed. Because PUD values youth, or the appearance of youth, especially in women, English provides euphemisms for aging that hide our underlying fear of the process: "the elderly," "senior citizens," "advanced in age," and "over the hill." Many people believe that whatever they refuse to talk about doesn't exist or is less real and euphemism is one device for avoiding whatever realities they wish to deny.

Neil Postman has maintained that "euphemisms are a means through which a culture may alter its imagery and by doing so change its style, its priorities, and its values" (1982, 262), but, as the editors of Time magazine observed, "the persistent growth of euphemism . . . represents a danger to thought and action, since its fundamental intent is to deceive" (1982, 256). But western culture perceives some aspects of reality as so horrible that euphemizing them is virtually impossible, and the descriptions that follow these negative concepts dehumanize the people victimized by them. One of those things-that-cannot-be-euphemized is the idea of being incapacitated or disabled in some way. The words and phrases that describe physical limitations reflect the negative attitudes we've learned. We think of being able to do something as normal, and being incapable as inherently negative. Mobility is positively valued; immobility is negative. Conceptually, able/not able are fixed in a binary, either/or relation in which ability to perform is assumed. The way we conceptualize abilities focuses our vocabulary negatively on what we cannot do, on what we lack, rather than what we can do. When all or part of our bodies can't perform in ways thought of as normal, we are described as disabled. There are no positive ways of thinking or talking about the abilities of people who have physical or anatomical limitations; what they can't do becomes their only identifying characteristic and their many other qualities are conceptually suppressed.

People who cannot perform one physical activity or another are thought of as "defective" or "deformed." They are "disabled," "crippled," "handi-capped," or "physically-challenged." We have no positive ways to describe something we cannot do. There aren't even any neutral terms in the English vocabulary. The only phrases that point us toward a different way of thinking about the range of human abilities are "differently abled," and the acronym T.A.B.s, 'temporarily able-bodied', which reminds the able-bodied that an automobile accident, a fire or disease may make them suddenly unable to perform acts they take for granted. Being able is good; being unable is bad, and the idea that there are events in our lives we cannot control frightens us. Yet, there are areas of our lives over which we don't have control, and some disabled people consider the phrase "differently abled" to be a ridiculous euphemism because there are things they cannot do and this fact is a reality of their lives they have to deal with every day. Euphemizing their reality doesn't change their lives; shifting the focus away from what they can't do to what they can is a useless pretense. As Catherine Odette has commented, saying that she is "differently abled" suggests that she's able to perform differently, that, instead of walking up a hill, she can fly to the top.

-Julia Penelope, Speaking Freely: Unlearning the Lies of the Fathers’ Tongues

[internutter]

The thought would not leave me alone, so there is now fanfiction of fanarts I love [Under the cut for everyone's sanity]:

Disclaimer: Larion owns their IP and possibly my heart and mind regarding a certain pale Elf. Aldiirn belongs to @mistercrowbar on Tumblr. I barely own this.

The premise: Aldiirn needs some comfort after all that whump he's got. Also happens at some point after the creche shenanigans. I went into this with visions of the Dude Squad minus Aldiirn going out of their way to help the lad but the story and Astarion's ego yanked me in a different direction.

CW: Sickness, hurt/comfort, gay boi needs love, Astarion catches feelings at some point, blood, blood stuff, mentions of abuse and neglect

Dude Squad Detective Agency InterNutter

Astarion couldn't not notice, what with the well-upholstered half-drow being his pet bloodbag and bed warmer. What irked him was that he couldn't say anything. The boy was well cowed by the Gith, and obviously terrified of the flaming barbarian. Saying something about it would likely get Astarion cast out of the group, no matter how good he was in bed.

It still didn't alter the simple fact that that delicious fresh blood was slowly changing its flavour. And not just because of the wizard's cooking. Something else was going on.

Astarion did his utmost to provide value, within established limits of course. The aforementioned bedtime fun, the occasional lockpicking and trap disarmament. Finding buried treasures... or other treasures before they were lost. Riding the exact borderline between rakish charm and being too bothersome to keep around.

Best to remain aloof so that it didn't hurt when they inevitably abandoned him. Which might be happening a lot sooner since that plump bard started turning down Astarion's late night encounters.

Maybe he could lay off feeding from the boy. That flavourful blood of his was getting thinner, too. But how to fix his food source without drawing too much unwanted attention? Astarion knew damn well that his position in this group was tenuous. He couldn't turn to the Blade of the Frontiers. Asking a monster-hunter for help? HA! He'd be better off strolling straight into a Dragon's maw while singing, I'm so delicious.

The barbarian was as thick as too short planks. The Cleric... was perilously close to Dragon Maw territory. Fuck asking the Gith. 'Gentle' was not a word in her vocabulary. The Druid was singing the praises of the Underdark, but the Gith was already against that.

Gods. The last thing Astarion needed was playing politics.

Which more or less left the Wizard. Who, besides rambling for ages on end about his favourite topics, was rather proud of his ability to feed everyone. Were it not for the mage's sour blood...

That was a short path to a big fireball.

Maybe Astarion could convince the Druid to be his backup meal plan. But that might result in their fading leader's ire. Damnit. He had to think outside his own needs. Help their leader, help himself.

The Wizard might have a few helpful thoughts. Perhaps this was a nutrition thing.

And just as he was about to covertly enquire about boosting the bloodbag's constitutional issues, they found Elminster. Who wound up causing more trouble than the lot of them needed, right now.

"That's it for the cheese and the wine," mumbled the Bard, going through his accounts. "We have enough supplies for three days. Maybe four. If we devote some hours to forage... that's a gamble."

"You're summoned to dinner, darling," Astarion cooed. "I'm sure the supply situation will resolve itself in those days. I can always... drag in a find or two of mine. For the others."

The Bard stumbled as he got up. His eyes rolled back for a fraction of a second.

For that second, Astarion felt a pang of concern in his dead heart. He quickly rationalised it as alarm regarding his only protection between him and the monster hunter, the cleric, and the gith. Three out of five who barely tolerated Astarion's presence thanks to the half-drow lad.

Astarion couldn't quite rationalise steadying him. Nor how his own face openly displayed his irrational concern. He covered it with a cheerful, "Whoops."

"Uneven ground," lied the Bard. "Must have found an unexpected hollow in the terrain that turned my ankle a little."

"You must have," agreed Astarion. Time and past time for some higher-level flirting. He offered his elbow. "May I escort you to the dining area, my liege? Wouldn't want our glorious leader to turn any more ankles."

"Oh thank you." Did he lean a little more solidly on Astarion than normal? He was breaking out in another cold sweat.

The panting was always nice to watch, but... "Are you...?"

"Too many layers. I expected it to be colder all the way up here."

It was already a little on the refreshing side for the evening. Astarion knew the bloodbag was full of horseshit, but calling it out? Stake through the heart time. At best, chased into the wilderness for Cazador to scoop up at his leisure. Perish the thought. Astarion remained silent.

"You've over-extended yourself," said Astarion. "You sit. I'll get you something nourishing." What was that phrase the Wizard had begun employing? "For good health."

"Mm-hm," the Bard sank onto the chosen seat. Slumped, focussing on his breathing.

Still, it gave Astarion a decent opportunity to be covert. He sidled up to the Wizard and murmured, "You put a little something extra in our leader's dish, don't you? To -ah- fortify the fellow?"

For a change, the Wizard kept his voice low. "I've been sneaking a little extra salt into his portion, of course. Given your own -ah- special diet... I've also made sure to include a decent amount of healing herbs into his meals. Poor fellow. I don't think--"

"ALL RIGHT! DINNER TIME!" The barbarian charged towards the campfire. "I could eat a whole Dire Hog, snout to trotters."

And through the cluster of heads in Astarion's vision, one was conspicuous by its absence.

Aldiirn was slumped on the ground. Terrifyingly still.

Astarion almost dropped the bowl of his food. He pushed it into the Wizard's hands and uncannily dodged his way to Aldiirn. Breathing. Alive. "Aldiirn?" But definitively not well. "Darling?" He tried gently patting a chubby cheek.

Nothing. Something had to be dreadfully wrong with him.

"HALSIN!" Astarion couldn't let go. If anything, he felt compelled to grip his lover all the tighter. Cradling him carefully all the while. "I need healing over here!"

The big bear almost began healing Astarion. Corrected himself when he realised who the true patient was. The wash of green light should have been reassuring. The look of concern on the Druid's face was not.

"He's been neglecting his own needs," said the Druid. "There's very little I can do for the moment. He will need rest and revitalisation... and a resupply of his medication."

"Med--"

"There is no time to dally," snarled the Gith. "Cast aside this waste of resources and contin--ACK!"

The Barbarian had her in a searing headlock. The Wizard had a spell primed to cast. The Hero had the tip of his blade by her heart. The Cleric was trying to get her hand close enough to inflict wounds. Were Astarion not weighed down by cradling Aldiirn's form, he'd have been at the Gith's neck. Even the Druid had a hand raised to inflict something on her.

"One more word," challenged the Cleric. "Say one more word against him."

"You'd best sleep lightly," said Astarion. "I might feel peckish for Gith blood."

Where had all this simple affection for their plush half-drow Bard come from? The lad had gone out of his way to see to everyone's needs. Aiming to please to the point of putting his own needs dead last. Subservient to a fault. Diplomatic. Literally self-sacrificing. Letting everyone walk over him including...

Fuck.

Including himself.

Silly little fool. Where was his self-respect? Where was his self-interest? Where was his selfishness?

What the fuck was he taking for medicine? Astarion let the others browbeat the Gith into retreating to her tent, and faced the one person he could ask. The bear of a Druid. "What medicine?"

"I'd have thought you'd know better than I," said the bear. "You two have been sharing a tent and more since I joined the party."

"There is... something he uses. He's told me to keep away after he's put it on. Something about a potential bad reaction." The realisation hit worse than a hallowed light. "He's been very secretive about it."

The Druid murmured. "That would be a problem. If I take over your task... can you find its container?"

"Easily," Astarion bragged, then realised that he would have to surrender custody of Aldiirn to a relative stranger who may or may not cause some relationship trouble down the line.

Aldiirn had put everything on the line for Astarion. And... the others. Putting his own welfare at risk was going to be the bravest thing he'd ever done.

...and he was a coward.

If his breath hitched as he leaned Aldiirn into the Druid's arms, if he resisted letting go, if his touch lingered on that dear little face, if his fingers drifted through that cloud of white hair... the bear didn't say a thing. Not out loud.

His knowing brown eyes and half a smirk said it all.

Astarion put everything into seeming uneffected as he rose. He even negligently said, "Gale dear, I'm sure you could apply yourself at feeding our dear leader. It seems the effort's been a bit lacking lately."

"You should be a bit more polite to someone who can cast lightning bolt, Astarion," mumbled the Wizard, but he did get to work.

So did Astarion. He didn't even need to rummage through Aldiirn's belongings. The jar of potion -or whatever- was sealed and resting on the desk he kept in his tent. Remembering the warning, Astarion lifted it with a piece of rag between himself and the jar. Just in case.

The healers of the camp didn't need two cases of urgent care. Though Astarion personally doubted he'd count as urgent care. If anyone was getting left in the gutter... Astarion tried not to think about that. Forcing himself to maintain an air of uneffected aloofness when two other men were handling his pet Bard.

Even vampire spawn could get territorial. He had to tamp down those instincts, less anyone spuriously accuse him of being in love. Ha. As if a black and dead-hearted creature could feel such emotions. On the other hand, Aldiirn had gained three men looking after him.

The burly brawn of the Druid. A big tough marshmallow of a man. Big and strong enough to feel secure but gentle enough to be completely nonthreatening. He was gently cradling Aldiirn in those thick muscular arms. Just like any given etching in any tawdry romance. Albeit with a lot more clothes on.

And speaking of tawdry romances...

The Wizard was carefully spooning his preparation into Aldiirn's kissable lips. The very picture of a romantic nursing hero. And then there was a real-life hero. The fucking Blade of the gods-damned Frontiers. The exact kind of person Astarion would have wanted to marry... when he was fifteen.

The Blade was talking healing herbs with the other two. The Wizard was talking preparation methods. The Druid was providing what healing he could...

...and Astarion was carrying a jar.

It was extremely difficult to suppress everything he was feeling in that moment. Boiling rage and sickening jealousy warred with each other in the pit of his empty stomach. He could not bite, claw, or stab at these three. He'd drop the fucking jar.

"Excellent, well done," said the Druid. "You can take over here, as I need both hands to examine the jar. Thank you."

Astarion didn't need to be asked twice. "Thank you for your kind permission," he sniped. Arms properly around Aldiirn, he tried to resist the urge to shield him from all the interlopers. Mine. Mine. Mine! Nobody needed Aldiirn like Astarion did! The others had no right barging in and taking him away. MINE!

Breathe, you stupid Spawn. Calm down. Let him breathe. He needs to.

"Now," said the Wizard, "if you just let me in to feed him another spoonful..."

Astarion glared boiling venomous death at the competitor. He'd heard the tummy tickling thing. So he very exaggeratedly, pointedly, plucked the spoon from those soft fat fingers and proceeded to take over feeding duty as well. It was very difficult to resist growling and hissing like he might at a rival spawn. This wasn't petty bickering over the rights to a rat. This was completely different.

Protect his meal ticket, and thereby protect himself.

There. Perfectly reasonable.

"I'll just -ah- I'll just hold the bowl for you, eh?" managed the Wizard. "A simple cantrip to keep the contents warm and so on. Excellent help for our mutual friend."

"Hm," said Astarion, keeping an eye on the Wizard. In between watching and waiting for Aldiirn to swallow his latest half-spoonful of mashed vegetables.

"Vegetarians often battle with anemia," noted the Wizard, apropos of nothing.  "A reliable source of dietary iron can be difficult to obtain on the road. An abundance of spinach or kale might do our friend some favours. Since we lack that, we might have to resort to alternate sources. Some allow themselves seafood, whilst others consume certain insects but--"

The empty spoon, closest thing to a weapon in Astarion's grasp, was at the Wizard's jugular. "No. Fucking. BUGS!"

"...there's always... nuts... and... seeds... and things?" he warbled.

The spoon was a terrible weapon, but it was threatening all the same. Astarion lowered it slowly. Maintaining eye contact with the Wizard as he carefully retrieved more sustenance for Aldiirn. "Do we have many of those?"

He just sat there mumbling and fumbling. Then the voice from above shattered the tension.

The bear. "There's nothing left but the scent of it," he announced. "A balm made from a rare light-phobic fungus found primarily in the Underdark."

Small wonder that he walked up half the mountain like a man facing an execution. He had to be stretching his supply to the snapping point already, and then the Gith insisted on the creche. For the other half of the walk up the mountain, well... Aldiirn had been staggering more than walking. Holding on for one more day.

Just going along with what he was told, forcing himself through and then carrying on as normal.

That chain of consequence felt far, far too familiar.

Astarion focussed on Aldiirn. Making sure he swallowed. "And this is the part where you tell us it's next to impossible to replicate and we're shit out of luck," he guessed.

"Not quite," said the bear. "We can make a moderate substitute that can keep our leader in reasonable shape until we acquire the true medicine. And now we know his difficulties, we can provide palliative care for the interim."

"And the nature of the ailment?" said the Wizard.

"It's not something for open discussion," began the Druid. "Given how discrete he's been, it's not for me to disclose..." the speech went on. Sensitive nature. Personal matter. Blah blah blah blah...

Aldirrn had opened his eyes. Swallowed a little quicker. "...'r you feedin' me?"

"You fainted. And you're anemic. So... we had to try something." He helped wrap Aldiirn's fingers around the spoon. "Eat up, darling. Let us... look after you for a change."

"Thank you. I... I feel so much better for your help." There was that look of panic and alarm that he always got with foodstuffs. That raise of hearbeat and air of slight desperation. "I really couldn't eat another bite." He started to push the offered bowl and spoon aside.

His body gave him away, stomach snarling at its own emptiness.

What could be the magic words? "Gale made it special. For good health."

"Maybe a few... more... bites..." Aldiirn looked up and around. At the Druid and the Blade and the Wizard discussing plans and a fungus, replete with drawings in the dirt. The Cleric and the Barbarian were lecturing the living fuck out of the Gith. And Astarion was taking the liberty of running his fingers through Aldiirn's hair.

"Run yourself a little ragged, haven't you?" Astarion chided, deliberately using a little baby talk to soften the edge. Deaf gods knew that Aldiirn had too many anxiety issues. Astarion should have seen it. His beloved was fawning to appease literally everyone else in the hopes that it would help him survive.

...a lifetime of bad coping mechanisms...

This wasn't a shy and skittish mark to coax and lure into Astarion's goals. This was someone desperately terrified of being revealed as weak to people he was also desperately terrified of. Which may or may not include Astarion himself.

Best to appear as trustworthy as a monster like himself could achieve, then. But that wouldn't stop him sneaking a good cuddle while the opportunity presented itself. All under the guise of helping Aldiirn sit up, and helping him hold his bowl.

"Uhm. Maybe. I might have stretched myself too far." He was blushing, but he wasn't exactly trying to get away. "I should go apologise."

"Dear..." Astarion tutted. "You need to focus on doing what you can to get better. Apologising for things that can't be helped are..." what was a decent phrase to get into his gorgeous head? "...wasteful. We need your leadership, darling. And you need to be healthy to lead. Ergo, looking after yourself is a sound investment."

He could actually see Aldiirn reconfigure his priorities.

Astarion, master manipulator, shines again. As for the larger plan?

Well.

That could be other people's problem.

END.

Aldiirn's No Good No Fun Time in the mountains. Just not great at all for an underdark guy off his meds and in a hive of oh so many scary violent women.

More comics!

[rabbitindisguise]

Updates on my goals:

I have to set myself up for success in order to better juggle multiple co-occuring goals of different types, and so far that's included medication and other behavioral changes that reward sustainable change. I can't read stressful media (including heists, for some reason) or read about politics so I'm probably not going to know what's going on in the world ever again. If I see a post I disagree with, I can't type up a disagreement because I linger too much on it and work myself up. Instead I cut my thoughts off at the first sign of disagreement or correction and move on (which has limited some memes). I've been unfollowing a lot of political blogs too, and even some blogs where they were less political if the political posts I did see upset me too greatly to keep following. These are important steps to protect my mental health to know and fairly easy to maintain. I will probably not go back on any of these things unless I have to, for example for medical reasons if a medication starts to disagree with me.

The more general things . . . I've been reminding myself of people's good intentions super forcefully every time I get upset. When I get worried about something I've been consistent in walking to my room to listen to soft piano music or something similarly soothing. I'm more or less ripping down the foundations of my personality to the bedrock and putting up new support structures. Some problem areas I've encountered so far:

What to say in stressful situations

Impulse control, or not saying things just like not reblogging things

Patience with myself

Emotional regulation

Personal responsibility

Some areas of positive growth:

I have been consistently taking notes on things I notice/remember wanting it change in my personal discord to refer back to in times of stress

I've been recognizing my primary emotions as "stress" and "anxiety" over "anger" and "hurt" which has helped me self soothe more effectively and given me a focus for self compassion

I've been brainstorming different inflections and language changes to help people be more comfortable around (including limiting rudeness, extensive clarification, inappropriate jokes, playing off my big vocabulary as ironic, or increasing remembering to use "I" and "me," talking and moving quieter, not correcting people, and apologizing more frequently)

I've been venting outside my immediate social circle, so no one close to me/close to the people involved are having to comfort me and making sure to care for the relationships of the people I'm venting to by having conversations not related to venting

These changes have made me feel more visibly autistic and vulnerable however combined with reminding myself of the care other people have for me has helped me let go of that concern because the value of maintaining that vulnerability outweigh the cost of hiding it (where I make people uncomfortable)

I've practiced variations on "I've changed my mind" and "let me rephrase" to both acknowledge that I held a previous ideas or said things I no longer agree with to hold myself accountable for them, and to make space for forwards progress where I'm altering a lot of things very rapidly, sometimes multiple times

I've been allowing myself to not have layers of separation between me and my emotions- I've allowed myself to care deeply without chastising myself for it, and as a result I've felt less judgement when speaking to others and more often correctly identify situations where I've upset others in (including this list, which is surprisingly- to me, for now- long compared to the areas of concern)

The lowering of my overall stress has decreased my sensory overload and I've gone to sleep with people talking audibly without being upset by it so much I kept myself awake from my emotions alone. This has been a big pain point because sleep deprivation has been a problem for me, as well as increased sensitivity to noise when it happens, creating a feedback loop.

The clinical sound of this post feels awkward honestly and it shows how much I'm still struggling to find an authentic "voice" to express myself with. I don't feel that copying wholesale will create an authentic expression of identity, so I'm taking advantage of people expecting me to sound a little down to get through the growing pains of that by being very patient and going piece by piece. One thing I've been able to accept that I'm pretty proud of too is that I'm willing to lose traits people otherwise liked to lose negative aspects of those traits- for example, my confidence used to be a big part of my identity that I've accepted losing in order to improve my interactions with others. Since my confidence isn't fueled by authentic feelings or factual evidence, uncertainty and carefulness is more authentic to my true feelings of anxiety. This has meant cutting out exclamation points and short statements at the start of me talking almost entirely, except where I would be mirroring another person, and starting sentences with more ums and question marks and longer sentences. This seems to have improved clarity a lot, though it's too soon to say how much.

I don't feel that the effort and focus I'm putting towards this is triggering/a result of mania, which is what I'll be going with for now until there's evidence otherwise. Um, I'm actually having a hard time focusing on them and have to keep reminding myself what they are by rereading my notes. And I'm very tired. I don't feel irritated when they don't effectively play out the first time I try them, which was a major issue. Instead I often seem to assume, since they're personal goals for my own gain, 1) I didn't properly reflect on my notes 2) I haven't properly identified the issue 3) I don't effectively have a method to solve it at the moment. This is a stronger foundation than self guilt (unreliable in situations where I feel slighted) or feeling obligated to others to complete my progress (increase in pressure to succeed).

And in those moments of uncertainty and forgetfulness, I've been building a tag of uplifting and encouraging messages for myself to read (#things to read when stuff gets hard).

[arcane-aspirations]

The Frustration of the Experienced or, When Nothing is New* Anymore

I’ve recently picked back up attempting an active practice of daemianism. This form of daemianism is inspired by the animal-formed, corporeal representation of human souls in Phillip Pullman’s His Dark Materials series (best known book is The Golden Compass). I first read the series in 2005 or 2006 or so, and I am very sure I imagined what it would be like to have my soul beside me as an animal then. That’s the sort of person I was then - to imagine and bring forth what I experienced in stories that inspired me to my daily life - and indeed, hope to regain a powerful sense of being again.

I first encountered others who were daemians on the internet a few years later. I didn’t remain an active member, but I found The Daemon Page Forum and was fascinated with this community that developed detailed profiles for what sort of person would have what species as their daemons. It was like personality typing, with varying levels of commitment to an imaginary friend or what I would now recognize as a thoughtform.

Let me come back to that. “What I would now recognize.”

Over the years, although I didn’t post on TDF, I would check back every few months as I remembered daemianism and read over various species’ profiles that interested me. I have always been fairly obsessed with representing myself; I never felt like I had to explore or understand myself though - that felt intrinsic and obvious.

Though I always found it deeply frustrating that often the most common “default” characters and teams were the ones I related to the most, genuinely. I considered myself for a wolf-formed daemian for a very long time. That was also an issue for me being Gryffindor, an Autobot, Thunderclan... My archetype gravitated towards that that was popular, which often was annoying in that many who claimed the popular affiliation with something were frequently the ones just claiming an affiliation with the fandom or the popularity, rather than the soul behind it.

I digress. Mostly. That context of something being popular affecting my relationship with the thing itself isn’t completely irrelevant.

I would say the most important and active time in my beinng a daemian was a rough patch in my life around 2015 into 2016. I was lonely and had became my own worst enemy too, given that a precious friend turned enemy makes for the worst sort. The comfort of my daemon, this entity which was supposed to represent the real, true self, was incredibly valuable. Setting aside the slight reprieve it gave from ‘being alone’ - although of course, it was still unforgettable to me that, my daemon being me and all interactions coming from and only being perceptible by me, I was still alone - the sense that I valued, saw, and still was myself at a time where I had very much lost all of that elsewhere was invaluable for getting through that.

My daemon had a name, mostly, and a gender, mostly, and a few forms that were right, mostly. He didn’t do much but provide imagined cuddles from an animal companion friend - I really remember something  I did regularly where I’d imagine leaning our foreheads together - but I remember feeling at least sometimes happy and content as a result of the whole thing. But he wasn’t quite what people on TDF would’ve called a daemon.

Firstly, as much as I liked the idea of having an animal to identify my persona, my self, by, I didn’t like the idea of “settling” in one form. “Settling” indicated being an adult in Phillip Pullman’s series, which I have always reviled becoming and now being. That is, perhaps, a story for another time. Beyond that, it felt limiting - let’s put a pin in that one, too, though only for later in this post.

Secondly, my daemon occasionally wasn’t an animalic shape. In one vivid memory, I danced in my aunt’s kitchen when I was home alone one evening with my daemon in the form of N Harmonia from Pokemon. Is N Harmonia even someone I think is close in personality to myself, and thereby a fitting depiction of myself? Not at all, although I do think we’d be excellent friends.

Thirdly - here’s the woo warning for folks who’ve missed that my blog is witchy - I started having the sense that my daemon wasn’t “just” this thoughtform expression of my soul. I remember feeling like having this thoughtform that was me projected was sort of this... shell of my own self, that then this entity from very far away - in space, in time, from another life, who knows, it’s complicated, I never even felt comfortable saying whether it was real or not - I felt very connected to because we were of similar soul energy could inhabit. That was very much not related to daemianism. A pin here for later in post, too.

I don’t totally remember why my focus on daemianism waned for a bit after that. Things didn’t really get better for me, but my fixations do tend to move around. It may well just be that I got better enough to start playing video games again, and was checked out from my surroundings where a daemon would be projected to remind me where he was. Or it might have just started bothering me too much that he wasn’t “real” in so far as he couldn’t/didn’t exist outside what I projected.

It bothers me that I have to create and maintain so much of the things that bring value to my life myself. It’s exhausting. And those things don’t feel as real as things that exist independent of me and my influence. There’s power in “I invented that” and there’s a kind of resignation about one’s world in “I had to invent that, because it wasn’t there but I wanted so very much for it to be”.

And while there’s others out there, obviously, doing this whole daemianism thing, was that what I was doing anyway? Clearly I was taking it my own direction... or at least, combining it with other non-daemianism things that made it distinctly not quite exactly daemianism.

So while I’ve off and on projected my daemon back into the space around me - that’s the term for imagining and “seeing in your mind’s eye” your daemon existing in and interacting with your environment around you - since then, I haven’t done nearly as much.

I’m picking it back up recently and finding it rather difficult.

Some of the things I established as fitting and suitable back then, while still suitable and true in some lights, are hidden under a complicated tangle of things that don’t make them untrue but certainly obscure or make the way to the situations and perspectives where that truth is apparent difficult. There are roads I don’t walk anymore, even though those roads and how I’d walk them are still important to me. There are many roads I walk now that ...could? should? be acknowledged now that mean nothing to me but resentment that they’re where I walk. I still feel I am the same person I was; I just feel like I never get the same sorts of opportunities to be myself. 

So the forms’ fittingness to my personality feel a bit tangled in the context of my life I can’t control, where embracing that tangle feels like a near final step of losing myself. The name is roughly the same; I want a name that feels right and conveys something, and anyone who’s ever named anything to convey a meaning probably has experienced that problem.

And I can’t focus on forms suiting myself entirely, because I’m still bothered by knowledge of how a form is perceived popularly - or because of an animal’s popularity. That in and of itself feels like misrepresentation or miscommunication; I’m not able to communicate why I really feel that is right because there’s an assumption it’s what I chose consciously or unconsciously because it was popular; I’m not able to communicate through that sense of the popular thing that I feel incredibly different and disconnected from others; I’m not able to communicate what I’m saying because the most accurate denotative and personal connotative vocabulary I can find to communicate is full of connotations I don’t mean to others.

Let’s not even start with pronouns, alright?

But I think something in particular that’s frustrating is that daemianism is not the only thing on my mind when I think:

1. representation of the self

2. a form to indicate the self on an entity with malleable form

3. thoughtforms

4. animal representations of the self

I neither want to compartmentalize nor combine daemianism & daemons with witchcraft/paganism familiars/fetches, my polymorphic shapeshifter Otherkinity, souls, thoughtforms, and entities I may or may not share some kind of special soul-energy-woo bond with.

I don’t want to separate what has a resonance - except that resonance, frustratingly, sometimes shifts.

I don’t want to combine what could be varied and interesting, because now any community or representation of that thing is no longer what I am doing or can speak about and find any sense of connection through - or worse, what I am now taken to be misrepresenting or ill-informed about.

And this is the frustration of the experienced, visible here but far from exclusive to daemianism, spirit work, et al in my life: what I know I cannot but help connect to what else I know.

Connecting what  I know to what I know alters forever what I do and feel about what I know and what I learn next. I have opinions and feelings about so many things, and everything I encounter is layered upon my opinions and feelings about it all.

And I feel like that connection isolates me from ever being able to appreciate and participate in something new and fresh.

It isolates me from being able to connect to the experiences of someone else who doesn’t have the connections and syncretic perceptions that I do.

I never wish to be someone I’m not, but I frequently wish to be less experienced than I am.

*I don’t think ‘new’ is the word I wanted here, but I couldn’t find it. After the post, I feel fine recording that what I wanted to reflect was not just that something was new and exciting, but also that something was able to be fresh and untainted; able to be its own thing viewed on its own terms without being conflated, connected, or tied to anything else.

[intriguinglists]

Science Says the Most Successful Kids Have Parents Who Do These 9 Things

Chances are, there’s something on this list you're missing.

Inc. | Christina DesMarais

           Much has been written about the attributes of high-achieving adults, and what makes them different from everyone else. But if you're a parent, a more compelling question may be: "What can I do to make sure my kids succeed in life?" Here's what researchers say.    

1. Don't tell them they can be anything they want.

           According a survey of 400 teenagers, conducted by market research agency C+R Research, young Americans aren't interested in doing the work that will need to be done in the years to come. Instead, they aspire to be musicians, athletes, or video game designers, even though these kinds of jobs only comprise 1 percent of American occupations. In reality, jobs in health care or in construction trades will be golden in future decades. Why not steer them into well-paying professions in which there will be a huge shortage of workers?    

2. Eat dinner as a family.

           According to a nonprofit organization operating out of Harvard University, kids who eat with their families roughly five days a week exhibit lower levels of substance abuse, teen pregnancy, obesity, and depression. They also have higher grade-point averages, better vocabularies, and more self-esteem.    

3. Enforce no-screen time.

Researchers have found that the brains of little kids can be permanently altered when they spend too much time using tablets and smartphones. Specifically, the development of certain abilities is impeded, including focus and attention, vocabulary, and social skills. In fact, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) says children younger than 18 months should have no screen time at all, other than video-chatting. For kids ages two to five, it recommends limiting screen time to one hour a day. For older kids, it's a matter of making sure media doesn't take the place of adequate sleep, exercise, and social interaction. The AAP also says parents should make the dinner table, the car, and bedrooms media-free zones.    

4. Work outside the home.

           There are certainly familial benefits to having a stay-at-home mother, but researchers at Harvard Business School have found that when moms work outside the home, their daughters are more likely to be employed themselves, hold supervisory roles, and make more money than peers whose mothers did not have careers.    

5. Make them work.

           In a 2015 TED Talk, Julie Lythcott-Haims, author of How to Raise an Adult and the former dean of freshman at Stanford University, cites the Harvard Grant Study, which found that the participants who achieved the greatest professional success did chores as a child.    

6. Delay gratification.

           The classic Marshmallow Experiment of 1972 involved placing a marshmallow in front of a young child, with the promise of a second marshmallow if he or she could refrain from eating the squishy blob while a researcher stepped out of the room for 15 minutes. Follow-up studies over the next 40 years found that the children who were able to resist the temptation to eat the marshmallow grew up to be people with better social skills, higher test scores, and a lower incidence of substance abuse. They also turned out to be less obese and better able to deal with stress. To help kids build this skill, train them to have habits that must be accomplished every day—even when they don't feel like doing them.    

           "Top performers in every field—athletes, musicians, CEOs, artists—are all more consistent than their peers," writes James Clear, an author and speaker who studies the habits of successful people. "They show up and deliver day after day while everyone else gets bogged down with the urgencies of daily life and fights a constant battle between procrastination and motivation."    

7. Read to them.

Researchers at the New York University School of Medicine have found that babies whose parents read to them have better language, literacy, and early reading skills four years later before starting elementary school. And kids who like books when they're little grow into people who read for fun later on, which has its own set of benefits. That's according to Dr. Alice Sullivan, who uses the British Cohort Study to track various aspects of 17,000 people in the U.K. "We compared children from the same social backgrounds who achieved similar tested abilities at ages five and 10, and discovered that those who frequently read books at age 10 and more than once a week when they were 16 had higher test results than those who read less," she writes for The Guardian. "In other words, reading for pleasure was linked to greater intellectual progress, in vocabulary, spelling, and mathematics."    

8. Encourage them to travel.

           The Student and Youth Travel Association (SYTA) surveyed 1,432 U.S. teachers who credit international travel, in particular, with affecting students in a myriad of good ways:    

Desire to travel more (76%)

Increased tolerance of other cultures and ethnicities (74%)

Increased willingness to know/learn/explore (73%)

Increased willingness to try different foods (70%)

Increased independence, self-esteem, and confidence (69%)

More intellectual curiosity (69%)

Increased tolerance and respectfulness (66%)

Better adaptability and sensitivity (66%)

Being more outgoing (51%)

Better self-expression (51%)

Increased attractiveness to college admissions (42%)

           If sending your son or daughter abroad or bringing them with you overseas isn't feasible, take heart. The survey also asked teachers about domestic travel and found similar benefits for students.    

9. Let them fail.

           While it may seem counterintuitive, it's one of the best things a parent can do. According to Dr. Stephanie O'Leary, a clinical psychologist specializing in neuropsychology and author of Parenting in the Real World: The Rules Have Changed, failure is good for kids on several levels. First, experiencing failure helps your child learn to cope, a skill that's certainly needed in the real world. It also provides him or her with the life experience needed to relate to peers in a genuine way. Being challenged also instills the need for hard work and sustained efforts, and also demonstrates that these traits are valuable even without the blue ribbon, gold star, or top score. Over time, children who have experienced defeat will build resilience and be more willing to attempt difficult tasks and activities because they are not afraid to fail. And, she says, rescuing your child sends the message that you don't trust him or her. "Your willingness to see your child struggle communicates that you believe they are capable and that they can handle any outcome, even a negative one," she says.    

Full article available here: Science Says the Most Successful Kids Have Parents Who Do These 9 Things

#list #lists #intriguinglists #intriguing

[rametarin]

I feel like there’s some wires crossed here. I remember being a kid like this.

Children have to infantilize themselves because of how often adults will patronize them if they show any kind of maturity or intellectualism, assuming they’ve either been abused and coached (and it’s not always a wrong assumption, sadly) rather than just advanced, and potentially able to share that advancement and maturity among other children, bread crumb by bread crumb.

I used to have to soften my language even speaking about theological things with family, so I couldn’t talk about hell directly without some strange lizard or insect-like pavlovian response by older family members if I referenced hell. I had to use the less harmful moniker, “Where-devils-go,” or some indirect reference using benign combinations of words, or else I’d get the boilerplate rigmaroll that derails all conversation for the childhood equivalent of being subjected to an entire weekend of tolerance and diversity seminars because someone used the expression, “blackened chicken,” and someone in HR felt that was tangentially close to insensitive.

Children soften their language to the point of baby speech specifically so, as dependent people, they don’t wind up having their entire day halted by overbearing adults that seek to restrict or deprive them of stimulation or enjoyment or autonomy, solely for saying words, patterns of speech that indicate they’re thinking thoughts, and inconveniencing a young person for thinking is the only socially acceptable way of punishing them or giving them incentive to stop not being a thoughtless tabula rasa accessory.

Those young people were trying to be socially acceptable by walking on eggshells and committing to the absurd little dance of conformity they’re expected to operate under to NOT be antagonized or deprived of peace and fun. And it doesn’t stop just at expletives, it extends to other words that express thoughts or sentiments that anybody even adjacent to an authority figure doesn’t like.

Those kids wanted to practice writing adult topics such as murder, death and violence, but had to reconcile that doing so despite being free to meant that expressing in the wrong way would get them problems. I don’t blame the children for being immature, no more than I blame a 16 year old for being a smartass and using the most infantile of terms in place of cursing just to give vulgar inflections to the most childish of words.

Being forced to alter your words and being denied the right to use words and language, is a form of dominance and submission. Someone that isn’t allowed to say, “shit,” without getting put in a corner, or stuck in a room and denied any entertainment when they seek it, and is forced to use the word, “poop,” cannot stand on equal ground as someone writing with the full vocabulary. By the very nature of the limited or censored vocabulary and the meaning of those words, their thoughts don’t have to be taken as seriously.

That kid that asked if this applied to adults as well was probably gritting their teeth at the hypocrisy of some adults being so god damned childish and being allowed to use “bad words.” Sometimes, kids notice disparities or ridiculous and nonsensical rules that seem to only act as gotchas and entrapment to give them pain for engaging, “above their station.” Asking if these rules of supposed decency and politeness apply to adults can be a way of emphasizing that hypocrisy and forcing the adult to come out and say, “rules for thee, but not for me. :^)” and thereby expose if they’re a shitty person you can’t trust or not.

Being a young person is hard. They punish you for not being mature, but every step forwards towards maturity, you’re punished for “being nasty and too immature for that yet.” You aren’t even told all the things you are and aren’t allowed to do, and there’s no consistent list beyond some of the most bare things. Sometimes, it’s down to the bias of whomever is caring for you at that moment of the day.

Sorry for the rant.

Teaching creative writing to 8 to 12 year olds this summer, a demographic whose stories include a shocking amount of murder. The use of "unalive" was so egregious I had to tell them, "if you aren't comfortable using the words death, die, and kill, you aren't mature enough to be writing about them yet". Kiddo asked me if that applies to adults as well, and I told them it very much does, so here's a PSA.

If you aren't comfortable using the words death, die, and kill, you aren't mature enough to be writing about them yet.

[hatchermatches276]

How does gaming affect technology advance

Strategies For Starting A Gaming Blog

We've as soon as again teamed up with our close friends at Dire Wolf Digital Studios to bring this incredible game to your gaming table. Hi Frags, it all comes down to the quality of visitors you get. Selling stuff via your internet site is hard when there are only common content material on it, but if you target a precise group of gamers and make a loyal following, recommending solutions gets less difficult. It will also rely on the type of items you sell, there are in the end a lot of elements contributing to having a productive gaming weblog. Truly glad you liked the short article! I will definitely verify out your blog.

The gaming WordPress themes contain some one of a kind traits like design and style and options. And most of the themes that are featured here provides you with a full solution for your gaming web page. The Search engine optimization alternatives, social network tools, various solutions, and multiple colors will make you a lot easier to begin your new web-site. All these themes are customizable where you can alter each and every and just about every aspect of the themes with no touching any of the codes.

Luca is operating in the field of gaming for six years, initially as an indie a single-man-group junior developer and, the latter five years, as gameplay programmer and computer software architect in a company exactly where he created video games for all key mobile platforms, Computer, Steam, PS4 and Xbox 1, as properly as minor gaming consoles, increasing as a professional. Lately he founded Twin Wolves, an indie video games development studio, exactly where he's the CTO.

Paul: In 2009, the concept for Green Man Gaming came about when we have been contemplating exactly where the games market place was going to go and what was going to come about next. There was a sturdy organization model in trading in games in the sector and there was the begin of the move to a totally digital marketplace. The coupling of these two marketplace mechanisms have been supported by analysis from London Business enterprise College displaying that a customer's propensity to buy is heightened when offered the alternative to trade-in a item or recoup some of its value. So the significant idea” was to combine digital and trade-in into the same platform, proficiently becoming a retailer and a marketplace on one particular global digital platform.

Due to mobile game development outsourcing , the most up-to-date indie games made by small studios or person programmers get lots of focus and positive feedback from each players and journalists. With the aid of software program outsourcing providers, each individual, with proper knowledge, can develop and promote gaming apps without having any obstacles.

Do not you want you had been truly sitting on a racecar seat just about every time you play Forza, Gran Turismo, or any other racing game? With the racing seat design of the Ficmax Swivel Gaming Chair , finding this experience is now a reality. The completely ergonomic Ficmax is made with a fully retractable footrest to assist sooth tired decrease limbs and assistance facilitate the extra efficient circulation of blood. It also comes with a lumbar massage support to enable stop or even handle low back pain which is very widespread among individuals who sit in an workplace chair for unusually lengthy period. Our handy guide to the very best ergonomic workplace chairs characteristics far more great goods like this.

The Hidden Mystery Behind GAMING

Paul: Our company model is growth focused and we cover 3 important areas in the gaming business. Firstly, we're a worldwide e-Commerce retailer promoting over 7,500 games from 450 publishers in more than 190 countries to millions of gamers. Secondly, Green Man Gaming has a thriving community who talk about and track their game achievements on our neighborhood platform. This data combined with the industrial information of the shop offers Green Man Gaming a considerable depth of knowledge of our customers. Ultimately, we have a publishing arm that aids developers publish their own games and bring them to industry, supporting them every single step of the way. The fusion of Green Man Gaming's e-Commerce shop, a sturdy community producing billions of information points and publisher support sets us apart from our competitors.

It is February! In 2017 that indicates that we get six a lot more weeks of winter AND your yearly dose of video game statistics and trends. We're taking a appear at important events and shifts in the gaming business and considering the current state of gaming. Take a peak, or stay for a week! All statistics are completely researched. See sources at the bottom of the web page for additional information.

Nintendo 64 and PlayStation ushered in a new era of gaming. Polygons replaced pixels, and 3D rendering entered into the gaming vocabulary. Retro gaming hits like Crash Bandicoot, Mario Kart 64, and 007: Goldeneye pushed the limits of technologies, and made the most realistic virtual environments noticed up to that point. We also have some retro games for systems that may well not really feel as old as they are, including PlayStation 2, Nintendo GameCube, and the original Xbox.

Style patterns: To shop information in DynamoDB, gaming companies partition game state and other player information working with player ID, and use the key-value access pattern (1:1 modeling). In circumstances when additional fine-grained access is named for, these companies use a sort important (1:M modeling). This permits them to access and update diverse properties or subsets of a player's dataset separately. This way, they never have to retrieve an complete dataset. In this approach, various items that retailer distinct properties can be updated transactionally by making use of the DynamoDB transactional API Some providers compress user data to reduce expense. PennyPop, for instance, makes use of gzip to compress player data and shop it as a base64 string, decreasing the player information to ten percent of its original size.

Mobile games serve as a source of speedy, boredom-beating entertainment, a bit of pressure relief and a distraction from true life worries, and just as a restful moment (such as gaming in one's downtime). Additionally, 60% of girls say that gaming makes them feel good, and given that mobile gaming is speedy and simple - the game is generally on their particular person - it really is simple to play although on the go. As Refinery29 says in their dive into girls and mobile gaming, ladies have not been historically nicely-served by the sedentary nature of video games, but mobile gaming changes the story right here, given that they can play anywhere.

Ask yourself why you happen to be considering starting a gaming weblog or youtube channel? If it really is simply because you assume you have what it requires to be the next PewDiePie or DanTDM (or TheTechieGuy ), then you're not alone. However, your principal reason really should be that you have an overwhelming love for gaming. It doesn't hurt to have a fantastic voice and a thing to contribute to the gaming network. (Of course, the perks ain't negative when they commence rolling in, either).

The gaming business saw a quantity of thrilling developments in 2016 touching on various aspects of the sector. Gaming technology is creating in really thrilling approaches. The long promised revolution of virtual and augmented reality moved closer to realization. The mania around Pokémon GO with its mass market appeal and utilization of mobile phones introduced untold millions to the possible of augmented reality. With its launch in India and South Asia it has turn into the poster youngster for the prospective of mobile games provided its advanced technologies and the huge international smartphone penetration.

Commonly utilised to refer to games that are produced by key studios with a substantial price range, requiring a high sales volume and in depth software program expansions to retain profitability. Like hollywood, these games tend to rely on reasonably low-danger sequels over larger-risk artistic projects, so anticipate to see your operate all more than billboards and Tv advertisements. You are going to be focused mostly on eeee2.site Pc gaming blog Computer, Playstation and Xbox gaming for AAA titles.

We use our GeForce Practical experience servers to determine the most effective excellent settings primarily based on the user's CPU and GPU, and target higher frame prices than 'normal' optimal settings to make certain the lowest latency gaming encounter. These settings are automatically applied when the game is launched so gamers do not have to be concerned about configuring these settings themselves.

[conceptsnest]

COGNITIVE FLEXIBILITY: ADAPTING TO CHANGE AS LEADERS

Now more than ever before, leaders all over the world are facing change and complexity — the coronavirus pandemic has presented us all with new challenges, new circumstances, and new uncertainties. Adaptability is a requirement. Because change is constant and inevitable, leaders must be flexible to succeed. Adaptability is about having ready access to a range of behaviours that enable leaders to shift and experiment as things change.

Successful executives:

1)      Adapt to the changing external pressures facing the organization.

2)      Adjust their management style to changing situations.

3)      Accept changes as positive.

4)      Revise plans as necessary.

5)      Consider other people’s concerns during change.

Conversely, it may also be argued that inflexible leaders limit the adaptability of others. New initiatives may be halted or stifled. Resistance to change may undermine critical projects or system-wide implementation. Employee enthusiasm, cooperation, morale, and creativity are jeopardized, making it all the more difficult to run the business or organization.

Am I a Flexible Leader?

Consider your personal approach to change. How do you respond when facing change? Do you:

1)      Accept the change as positive?

2)      See the change as an opportunity?

3)      Adapt plans as necessary?

4)      Quickly master new technology, vocabulary, operating rules?

5)      Lead the change by example?

6)      Take into account other people’s concerns?

7)      Sort out your strengths and weaknesses fairly accurately?

8)      Admit personal mistakes, learn from them, and move on?

9)      Remain optimistic?

If few or none of these responses describes you, you’re not alone. Many of us get stuck, have a hard time letting go, or simply don’t know how to proceed in unknown territory.

The 3 Types of Flexibility That Help You Adapt to Change

If you want to improve your responses to change in the future, Calarco says you need to practice the 3 components of adaptability: cognitive flexibility, emotional flexibility and dispositional flexibility.

A) Cognitive flexibility — the ability to use different thinking strategies and mental frameworks:. . . . Leaders who have cognitive flexibility are able to incorporate different thinking strategies and mental frameworks into their planning, decision-making, and management of day-to-day work. They can simultaneously hold multiple scenarios in mind and can see when to shift and inject a change. Cognitive flexibility indicates nimble, divergent thinking, an interest in developing new approaches, the ability to see and leverage new connections, and the propensity to work well across the organization. These leaders readily learn from experience and recognize when old approaches don’t work.

B) Emotional flexibility — the ability to vary one’s approach to dealing with emotions and those of others: . . . . . Leaders with emotional flexibility vary their approach to dealing with their own and others’ emotions — an area that many leaders often fail to consider. An emotionally flexible leader is comfortable with the process of transition, including grieving, complaining, and resistance. Adapting to change requires give and take between the leader and those experiencing the change. A leader without emotional flexibility is dismissive of others’ concerns and emotions and shuts down discussion. At the same time, an emotionally adaptive leader moves the change or agenda forward.

C) Dispositional flexibility — the ability to remain optimistic and, at the same time, realistic: . . . . . Leaders who display dispositional flexibility (or personality-related flexibility) operate from a place of optimism grounded in realism and openness. They will acknowledge a bad situation but simultaneously visualize a better future. They are neither blindly positive nor pessimistic and defeatist. Ambiguity is well-tolerated. Dispositionally flexible leaders see change as an opportunity rather than as a threat or danger. By learning and practicing behaviors that boost your cognitive, emotional, and dispositional flexibility, you can become more adaptable and, in turn, help others to adapt.

 Cognitive Flexibility: Meaning & Ways to develop

Cognitive flexibility refers to our ability to disengage from one task and respond to another or think about multiple concepts at the same time. Someone who is cognitively flexible will be able to learn more quickly, solve problems more creatively, and adapt and respond to new situations more effectively, which is why it’s so important in both educational settings and the workplace. Building your cognitive flexibility is a great way to develop professionally and keep up with the ever changing work environment of the future. Some ways in which this can be done are: A) Alter your everyday routine: . . . . . For instance, if you’re accustomed to taking the same route to work each day, look for a different route or consider taking the bus instead of driving yourself. If you usually get your exercise at the gym, change things up by running in the park or going for a bike ride. Even making the smallest of changes like sitting at a new spot at the dinner table or using your left hand to brush your teeth instead of your right can help you build and strengthen new neural pathways. B) Seek out new experiences: . . . . . Each time you experience something out of the ordinary or learn something new, the brain creates new synaptic connections. New and interesting experiences have also been shown to trigger the release of dopamine, which not only increases motivation but also enhances memory and learning. So going out of your way to experience new things or engage in novel activities can go a long way towards helping you develop cognitive flexibility. This might mean travelling to another country or volunteering in a new industry, but it could also take the form of activities like learning a new language or musical instrument, taking a dance class, or even exploring a part of town you’re not familiar with. C) Practice thinking creatively: . . . . . . Another way to build cognitive flexibility is to make an effort to think in unconventional and creative ways or practice divergent thinking. Divergent thinking usually occurs in a spontaneous and free-flowing manner and involves thinking in terms of unlimited possibilities rather than a limited set of choices. D) Don’t always take the easy way: . . . . . . . These days we have technology and apps that make our lives easier in countless ways, from spell check and autocorrect to GPS. But the truth is that making things easier for ourselves isn’t always the best thing for our cognitive flexibility. Research shows that introducing so-called “desirable difficulties” can lead to deeper learning, so by making a point of not always choosing the easiest way of doing things, you can keep your mind sharp and even learn through your everyday experiences. 

For instance, if you’re driving to an area you’re not familiar with, try to navigate your way using a map and asking for directions rather than using your GPS, or instead of reaching for your phone the minute you need to make a calculation, grab a pen and paper, and do it the old-fashioned way. E) Go out of your way to meet new people: . . . . . Meeting people from different cultures and walks of life whose perspectives and viewpoints are likely to differ from your own can help you to be less rigid in your way of thinking and accept that there may be more than one “right” way of looking at things. Research shows that people who are exposed to situations that challenge their ideas about what’s right and wrong tend to have greater cognitive flexibility. So make an effort to meet people outside of your normal social circles, whether that means travelling abroad, volunteering, teaching, or connecting with people through social media. F) Transfer your learning: . . . . . Learning to transfer what you’ve learned in one context into a new context can be a great exercise in cognitive flexibility, because it forces you to form new connections between previously unconnected networks of knowledge and think more creatively. Without the ability to transfer skills and knowledge to new contexts, your learning won’t have as great an impact. If you want to develop your ability to transfer knowledge, research shows that explaining a new concept in your own words not only helps you identify any incorrect assumptions, but also helps you to generalise a concept for future application. Once you’re sure you understand the concept, you can look for ways to apply it in real-world situations. G) Challenge your morals: . . . . . . Seeking out experiences that test your morals and expose you to a variety of beliefs, values, and expectations can give you a better understanding of culturally different perspectives and help you become more flexible in your thinking. Even if you don’t necessarily agree with someone’s point of view or belief system, being cognitively flexible means you’ll be able to think about why they might see things that way and understand their point of view. This ability will make it easier for you to communicate with people, resolve conflicts, and adapt your thinking to various situations. Of course, travel is one way to challenge your way of thinking, but even just reading about moral dilemmas and thinking about them critically can help you develop in this area.

Tips for Flexible Leaders

1)      Be curious. Ask lots of questions. Wonder, explore, and consider before you judge and decide.

2)      Don’t get too attached to a single plan or strategy. Have Plan B (and C) at the ready.

3)      Create support systems. Don’t go it alone. Look to mentors, friends, coaches, trusted peers, professional colleagues, family members, and others to serve as your support system in times of change. Encourage employees to do the same.

4)      Understand your own reaction to change. You have to be clear about your own emotions and thoughts about changes, so you can be straightforward with others.

5)      Immerse yourself in new environments and situations. Do this when you are confronted by change — but get practice by joining activities, meeting new people, and trying new things on a regular basis.

Content Curated By: Dr Shoury Kuttappa

[redtail-lol]

I was gonna just comment but I need to not have a character limit

Largely, I agree, but it's not gaslighting. Don't call it gaslighting. Gaslighting as a word has been so fucking diluted to being meaningless and it needs to stop. We can let labels be more open but actual terms for abuse should never be watered down, because it actually does harm victims of gaslighting for not being taken as seriously as they need to be when they appropriately name their abuse.

Gaslighting is not telling someone they are wrong, that's accusing someone of being incorrect. Gaslighting is not accusing someone of lying, that's calling someone a liar. Gaslighting is not telling a lie, that's lying. Gaslighting is not assuming you know better than someone about their experience or that you can dictate their labels, that's being pretentious. Gaslighting cannot ever be done just once. Gaslighting cannot ever be done unintentionally. You can't gaslight someone by saying something you truly believe.

Gaslighting is a repeated pattern of a specific type of abuse. It is one of the most severe forms of psychological abuse and manipulation, in fact. In the briefest terms, gaslighting is driving a person insane by convincing them they've gonw insane. Less briefly, gaslighting is when you make someone question their own perception of reality and convince them they've gone insane. It involves repeatedly, intentionally altering someone's environment and denying anything changed, or doing nothing and being adamant things are different, when you know nothing changed. It involves repeatedly claiming something didn't happen when you know it did, or something did happen that you know didn't. It causes people to go insane because they don't trust their own senses, they can't believe their own eyes or ears, and they believe something is wrong with their own perception of the world. Gaslighting makes a person dependent on the abuser because the gaslighter is their window into the real world. Without them, how would they ever know what is real and what isn't?

Gaslighting is intentional and repeated. It is done to make someone not trust their perception of reality so they rely on you, won't recognize other abuse, and can't argue with you because they can't trust their own account of what happened. You can get away with blatant lies by gaslighting someone.

Gaslighting gets its name from an experiment. A person was kept in a room with gas lights. Initially, they were dim, and they were subtly turned up every so often. When another outsider came in the room, who was in on the experiment, the person kept in the room would ask if the lights looked brighter. The other person would say no. Even when the lights were turned all the way up, the person would deny it. I don't know if that's exactly how the experiment went but it was something similar at the very least. It drove them insane. Not as in the colloquial use of insane, like actually genuinely insane. They could not trust their perception of the world because they'd been convinced they'd gone crazy and were seeing things no one else could.

Someone telling you you can't be an mspec lesbian or a lesboy because xyz sucks. They suck. They're pretentious assholes. They are not gaslighting you.

I'm not necessarily mad at you. You probably didn't know any of this. I'm just mad at how the term has been muddied and diluted to nothingness because misuse got more popular. Please remove gaslighting from your vocabulary until you're going to use it for its real meaning and not this one. That goes for everyone reading this. Don't misuse gaslighting for anything you don't like. Don't even misuse it as slang for manipulation. It is not just manipulation. It is one of the single most severe forms of manipulation. "I was gaslit for years" no longer carries the weight it should, and that stops real victims from being treated as seriously as they should when they come forward about being genuinely gaslit.

Full offense, and sorry not sorry, but if a person tells you that they have an experience, and then they give you a name for their experience uh that’s all you fucking need*. Just call it what they named it.

You aren’t saving anyone or anything by trying to pick apart and redefine, or outright deny the existence of the name- you think you know something better about, for not your experience to begin with. In fact, that’s called gaslighting. You are gaslighting a random person based on your own ignorance. And yes, it is ignorant, because you didn’t fucking learn a damn thing about an experience- that again isn’t yours, if you didn’t fucking listen to the person who initially described it. Cut that toxic shit out!!

*Yes, I still do mean within safety/good faith reason.

[tanadrin]

Notes on the Taurahe Language

by Loremaster Surazh Sher'an, of the Royal Society of Silvermoon

Published in the Journal of the Royal Society, in the 6853th Year of the Sun and 5th year of the Regency (619 K.C., 27 A.O.D.P.)

Since the Third War and the reestablishment of diplomatic and trade contacts with the peoples of the western continent of Kalimdor, several new frontiers in natural philosophy have been opened up to the scholars of our Society, in areas botanical, historical, thaumaturgic, and, not least of all, linguistic. Though the tongues of the Eastern Kingdoms have been well-covered in the scholarly literature, and even those of Draenor have had several monographs published on them since the Second War[1], the languages of Kalimdor remain woefully understudied. The most tentative work relating Thalassian to the Darnassian languages has been undertaken[2], but of the other Kalimdorean tongues, nothing substantial has been written.

In the interest of attempting to make my own modest contribution to the study of the Kalimdorean tongues, I would like to offer the following preliminary analysis of a language entirely unstudied by our loremasters at present and, I believe, spoken nowhere in Quel'Thalas, and in precious few places in the Eastern Kingdoms. I refer, of course, to Taurahe, the tongue of the Shu'halo, or, as they are known to outsiders, the Tauren. The Taurahe language is most interesting, being related neither to the tongues of Draenor nor of the Easter Kingdoms, and seeming to have no antecedent in any of the ancient mother-tongues of Azeroth, like Proto-Troll, Proto-Vrykul, or Ancient Kalimdorean. Furthermore, it is a language currently in flux, insofar as the way of life of the Shu'halo has changed enormously since the arrival of the Orcs in Kalimdor and the incorporation of the Tauren into the Horde. Although I cannot capture either the complexity or dynamism of this language in a brief article, I hope to pave the way to more extensive future analysis.

1. Taurahe in Context

The Shu'halo are a tauroid race of bipeds, native to eastern Kalimdor. First encountered in the dry coastal regions around Bladefist Bay, in what is now Durotar, an alliance was formed between Warchief Thrall and Chieftain Cairne Bloodhoof of the Bloodhoof Tauren in 6833 YS, during the Third War. At that time, all Tauren clans[3] were nomadic; after the tumultuous events of the war and the defeat of Archimonde at Mount Hyjal, the Bloodhoof Tauren and a portion of the other clans settled at Thunder Bluff in Mulgore, with several satellite towns like Bloodhoof Village being founded nearby. Many seasonal Tauren campsites have been converted into permanent settlements, like the Crossroads and Camp Taurajo, facilitating trade with Durotar and supporting a larger population of Tauren.

Despite the adoption by some of a settled lifestyle, many Tauren remain nomadic or semi-nomadic, some for political reasons[4], others simply out of tradition[5]. Because of the hunting lifestyle of the Tauren, and the number of rites and rituals which center around hunting, the creation of permanent settlements and urban centers has not been widely welcomed in Tauren society. Much of the shift in Tauren culture is down to the charismatic leadership of Cairne Bloodhoof; though his authority nominally extends only over the Bloodhoof Tauren, he is highly regarded by the other Tauren clans, and holds considerable influence in Tauren society at large. It remains to be seen whether these new developments in Tauren society, and the importance of Thunder Bluff as a political and economic center, will outlast their chief architect.

As is to be expected, Taurahe vocabulary centers primarily around the historical Taurahe way of life: terminology of the natural world, of geography, travel, hunting, and hunting- and pathfinding-related technologies is quite extensive. The Tauren have traditionally been a shamanistic people, like the Orcs, and so have an extensive vocabulary of shamanistic and natural thaumaturgy. Lacking an understanding of the arcane, or of other planes, their vocabulary for arcane thaumaturgy is limited, and most of their vocabulary around these kinds of sorcery has been borrowed from Orcish and, more recently, Thalassian. Of some influence also has been the Night Elven tongue[6], since the Tauren have a long history of intermittent contact with that people. Almost all vocabulary related to metalworking, alchemy, wheeled conveyance, shipbuilding, and large-scale warfare is directly borrowed from Orcish, with a small subset of loanwords from the language of the Darkspear Trolls.

Taurahe is not a unified language; each sub-clan has its own dialect, resembling most other dialects within their clan, as clans have historically tended to migrate together and to maintain close ties in marriage and trade. Any clear geographical distribution of the dialects has been substantially confused by many centuries of migration, and the spreading of various features and loanwords between migratory clans and sub-clans. Even so, not all forms of Taurahe are mutually intelligible; furthermore, the prestige form of the language has often varied according to the internal politics of the Tauren clans, with the emergence of a preeminent leader or tribe altering the lingusitic center of gravity of the Tauren people. Since the establishment of Thunder Bluff, the Bloodhoof dialect spoken there has been treated as the de facto standard, both among Tauren and within the rest of the Horde; therefore, it is the Thunder Bluff dialect that shall be treated here.

2. Writing System

Taurahe has not traditionally been a written language. Tauren society has historically been based extensively on oral traditions, which supply everything from legal and ritual formulae to history and mythology, which, based on the study of different versions among different clans, have remained remarkably constant over centuries or even millennia[7]. Although the Tauren have had contact with literary societies such as the Night Elves for many centuries, they have generally eschewed writing for most culturally significant applications, ascribing far greater prestige to orally transmitted traditions. Most Tauren elders have committed the equivalent of dozens of volumes of history and poetry to memory; some, such as Hamuul Runetotem, are said to be able to recite what would fill a hundred books in any Orcish library.

Nonetheless, Tauren have some knowledge and respect for runic sorcery, and have applied it to the totems they wield in battle and use for ritual purposes. These "runes" seem ultimately to be of Night Elven origin, despite no extant tradition of their use in Night Elven society. Potentially, they date from before the Sundering, given their similarity to arcane runes used in Quel'thalas and the contemporary aversion to arcane magic among the Kaldorei.

Almost all written forms of Taurahe found now in Kalimdor are, however, recorded using the Orcish writing system. Orcish uses a combination of phonetic and logographic symbols, having descended from an earlier logographic stage[8] some two centuries before the opening of the Dark Portal. Foreign languages, when recorded in Orcish, typically use only the most common logographs, relying instead on extensive use of the phonetic symbols normally reserved for inflection and particles. The syllabic nature of phonetic Orcish, however, renders it a poor fit for Taurahe, which has a completely different phonetic inventory. Therefore, in this article I have preferred to rely on the superior Thalassian alphabet to transcribe the sounds of Taurahe, which are in fact quite simple for the Elven tongue to pronounce.

3. Phonology

Taurahe forms generally CV syllables, making it at least phonetically one of the less vulgar languages of the Horde. It rarely admits consonant clusters, only occasionally permitting certain syllable-final glides and certain syllable-initial affricates. The fifteen consonants as transcribed into Thalassian are as follows:

p b t k m n s sh h ch (a velar or glottal fricative) l r w y (a palatal semivowel) ts (affricate)

Taurahe has five vowels, which may be either short or long; in most dialects, although not Bloodhoof, the long consonants are in fact diphthongs, and even when speaking Bloodhoof, Tauren tend to preserve those diphthongs if present in their native dialect. The five primary vowels are /a e i o u/; the long vowels are most usually realized as /a: ei i: o: au/. Less common are /au/ and /ai/ or /ie/ for /a:/ and /i:/. Grimtotem Tauren has a completely different system of long vowels, /ae ei ie oa ue/.

4. Noun Classification

The declension of the Taurahe noun is only for four cases--the nominative, the objective, the locative, and the relative--but is greatly dependent on the classification of the noun, based on what appears to be both an animacy and social-role hierarchy. The former is not unlike the animacy classification of some Zandali languages, while the latter bears a (passing) resemblance to the "gender" categories in human languages, but both should probably be treated on their own terms, as the Tauren system is both distinct and more regular than either. Roughly speaking, Taurahe noun classification is between inanimate or abstract, sessile or natural, dynamic-animate, fully sapient, and elemental or divine nouns on the one hand; and provider/loremaster, hunter/leader or shaman/spiritwalker on the other. The social role classification is somewhat more difficult to understand as a regular process among the less animate nouns, and is also not fixed: one noun may migrate between all three categories according to circumstance and usage, without the reclassified noun necessarily being considered a new lexeme. Inflecting a noun according to another animacy category is, however, a standard part of new noun formation.

There are at least six or seven distinct declensions of Taurahe nouns; my Tauren interlocutors have not been able to agree on the precise number, and it may be that comparison to the Thalassian system of declensions is in fact entirely inapplicable here.

5. Verb Nuclei

The Taurahe verb is formed from affixes attached to a single root, a "nucleus" which may be built up with both prefixes and suffixes and even, in some cases, infixes. Roots generally encompass a single semantic concept, which affixes may extend and alter in ways which would, in most other languages, necessitate the derivation of a new word. For example, "kuto," "fight" with the telic, transitive affixes forms the verb "karutoha," "to win [against sb.]", while with the impersonal affix forms "ukuto," "to fall into disarray." The impersonal form can be further modified by the personal, passive affix, "uma'ukuto," "to be routed in battle," which despite the presence of the impersonal affix alters the valency of the verb. All told, Taurahe has perhaps one-tenth the verbal roots of a language like Orcish or Common Human (to say nothing of the refined Thalassian tongue), but dozens, and possibly hundreds, of verbal affixes. Few of these affixes are truly exclusive of one another, and a deeper syntatic analysis is required to determine how, exactly, the valency, tense, and aspect of the final verb are determined.

6. Taurahe Words and Phrases

The following phrases are taken from interviews with my Tauren interlocutors. I traveled to Thunder Bluff and Bloodhoof Village for a period of eighteen weeks and interviewed approximately a dozen Tauren of four different clans. This is but a small sample of the corpus I used for my analysis, and with the aid of an colleague who has been transcribing Taurahe lore from Orcish to Thalassian script, I hope to soon begin work on a more complete grammar of the Taurahe tongue.

Vocabulary

-she/-sha: Affix denoting natural phenomena, celestial bodies, and the divine, cf. "An'she," the creator-sun. shu: Clan, tribe, political grouping. Cf. "Shu'halo," the Tauren people. halo: 1st person plural pronoun. We, ourselves. apaa: watch, guard ro: path, road apa'ro: the Waywatcher, Malorne -ah: augmentative affix por: lore, wisdom, custom, law por'aa: ancient wisdom, longstanding (and therefore inviolable) custom alo: within, inside ne[e]: to be (cf. "ishnee," "let be," or "ichnee," "to remain, to always be") pawne: spirit, soul owa: to dash, to bolt, to run tanekaa: blue; cf. Taunka "taunka," "winter," and the Taurahe idiom "bluest [i.e., coldest] of winters" manii: to shake laata: to shake; with the causative infix cf. "Laakotamanii," "the Earthshaker." isha: grave, serious, deep awaak: doom, ill fate, misfortune eeche: white ala: to walk mo: dream ala'mo: druid, i.e., one who walks in dreams haurakemani: the Earthmother shu'halo: a Tauren, the Tauren ahee: language; to speak

Phrases:

Pawne chi owako lehe "[May the] spirits guide you"

Ya shu'kushaa "For the Horde"

Namak'ehe shu "Victory or death"

Chi shu'ma'hewa "I've been expecting you."

Lehe shu'po'halo wota'ano kuu "May my ancestors watch over me"

Rek'ala'mo ya kusho'ake ne "Cat druid is for fight"

Notes:

[1] See especially Magister Thoradiel's "On the Orcish Tongues" and its follow-up, "The Draenei Dialects." Loremaster Harran of Dalaran's groundbreaking work, "The Eredar-Draenei Family" dissects the relationship of the demon-languages of the Twisting Nether to the Draenei tongue, but N.B. that possession of this volume is forbidden in Dalaran, Orgrimmar, Thunder Bluff, and Stormwind owing to its extensive analysis of demonic incantations; the nearest available copy is to be found in the Black Library of the Royal Apothecary Society, in the Undercity.

[2] Magister Gal'an's "Some Darnassian-Thalassian Cognates", Notes of the Royal Society, 6851 Y.S., issue no. 3.

[3] Taurahe "shu," variously translated as "clan," after Orcish usage, or "tribe." A "shu" is any extended kinship group, and the term is sometimes applied to large political groupings of any kind, e.g., "Shu'kaldo," the Night Elves, or "Shu'ekate," the people of the east, i.e., the Alliance.

[4] Most notably the Grimtotem who, while having diplomatic relations with Thunder Bluff, are not technically part of the Horde.

[5] E.g., most of the Wildmane Tauren.

[6] Now called Darnassian after its principal dialect, but functionally the same as Proto-Kalimdorean.

[7] The consistency of Tauren oral traditions is bolstered by analysis of their (admittedly scant) attestations in Night Elf histories. Several important entries are found in "The Annals of Kalimdor," vols. XLIV to LXX, currently held in the Sentinel Archives. The author acknowledges that the currently strained diplomatic relationship between Quel'Thalas and Darnassus may make consultation of these codices difficult.

[8] "Old Orcish Pictographs," Proudmoore, Jaina. Journal of the Linguistic Society of Dalaran, vol. 53, no. 2.

[violet-matthews]

@normalhqs

NAME.

FULL NAME: Violet Marie Matthews PREFERRED NAME/NICKNAMES: Violet, Vi GENERALLY REFERRED TO AS: Violet by most, Vi by those she is close to (aka her dad and everyone at the station).

APPEARANCE.

FACECLAIM: Lili Reinhart SEX: Cisgender Female HEIGHT: 5′6 WEIGHT: 123 lbs. BUILD: Relatively thin, minorly toned. She takes PE but is not a part of any particular sport. HAIR: Medium length with a slight curl, blonde, soft thanks to conditioner, and down most of the time (in a ponytail, bun, or half-up/half-down otherwise). HANDS: Average sized hands. Not small, but not large. Long fingers and nails that have never had a proper manicure but well taken care of. Smooth skin. SCARS: Physically? None. Yet. Miraculously. Mentally, many. CLOTHES: Varied. Top stores include Urban Outfitters, Forever 21, and Madewell-inspired looks (but not actual Madewell because she doesn’t have that kind of cash). Vi likes girly clothes (she’s big on dresses, skirts, florals, pastels, jumpsuits, cardigans, etc.), sometimes leaning towards preppy. On the other end of the spectrum, though, she’s obsessed with overalls. She wears some form of them at least once a week.

SPEECH.

VOICECLAIM: Lili Reinhart ACCENT: Slight regional dialect, but it’s definitely not strong. Her father’s is way worse. VERBAL TICKS: N/A. Vi isn’t used to speaking much, but she doesn’t struggle with the act of it. It’s more that she doesn’t always think before she speaks, so her words just come pouring out of her and she finds herself regretting things later. LANGUAGE: Fluent in English, learning French. ARTICULATION: Pretty articulate. She’s good at speaking her mind, and only trips over her words when things have gotten awkward and are only getting worse. EDUCATION: Vi has a decent vocabulary and makes the occasional literary reference. She’s still a high school junior, so that’s where the bar really should be set, but she’s bright. She takes pride in the fact that she has a decent amount of knowledge and she excels in school. LAUGHTER: Vi has a few different laughs. Fake, small yet genuine, small and based in being bitter or petty, small and based in nervousness, and absolutely genuine based on hilarity. She doesn’t laugh all that often, but if she does it’s definitely in one of the above categories. Each laugh is slightly different, but she’s not one to be too loud in general. BREATHING: She sighs occasionally, but otherwise things are pretty one-note.

MANNERISMS.

FACE: Vi’s face shows way more expression than she’d like. She has to actively mentally coach her expression to remain neutral, but she’s gotten better at it. HANDS: She has a set repertoire of smaller gestures that she uses when speaking (pointing, connecting the dots, and other general gestures) LEGS/FEET: Violet’s legs are pretty stationary. EMOTIONAL OUTBURSTS: She definitely bottles up her emotions and journals them out later. She allows herself to feel more of the happy emotions, but things like frustration... just sort of shine through. HABITS: Nothing major. She’s tried to blend in and be invisible for so long that anything that grabs attention visually or audibly she tries to avoid. POSTURE: Posture definitely changes with mood. Normally she’s pretty prim and proper with just the slightest hint of a teen slouch. The longer the day goes for her, the less proper it gets. PERSONAL SPACE: Big on personal space. She doesn’t really like to be touched, and there’s only a rare number of occasions that she’ll make exceptions. She’s therefore really good at respecting others’ personal spaces. (She’s not a hugger, and can’t remember the last time she initiated a hug, but if the situation absolutely calls for it, she’ll make it work).

HEALTH:

DIET: As well-balanced as it can be considering the fact that 4 out of 5 times her dinner is takeout. Breakfast is definitely balanced, though. When she’s stressed, eating is the last thing on her mind. SLEEP: She tries to get in the recommended amount, but is rarely successful. She’s up early for breakfast every day with her dad, so she always has that limit. She dreams, but they’re never ones she remembers. EXERCISE: She exercises in PE. That’s about it. ACTIVITY: She goes at things hard, so she’ll absolutely work herself to the point of exhaustion. If you’re not trying your best, are you even trying? CLEANLINESS: She’s cleanly. Great hygiene. She showers, she brushes her teeth, she flosses. ODOR: Not a bad odor. Very slight, quite fresh. Clean laundry mixed with something vaguely floral. MEDICINAL DRUGS: Allergy medicine, but nothing else. NARCOTICS: Absolutely not. ADDICTIONS: None. ILLNESS: None actually diagnosed, but probably at least one form of metal illness that could greatly benefit from therapy. INJURIES: No physical injuries. Her mother leaving has caused a ripple effect emotionally, however.

PERSONAL.

INTROVERT/EXTROVERT?: Introvert. Even in situations where she’s pretending to be an extrovert.  OPTIMIST/PESSIMIST: Realist. She fluctuates, depending on the situation. SEXUALITY: Demisexual. She’s never taken an interest in anyone in that way before and doesn’t really see the merit of it. The more she gets to know someone the more potential there is for something to develop, but that involves her getting to know people. Which she doesn’t do. ROMANTIC: Demiromantic. Again, she really needs to know the person to begin to have any feelings whatsoever. When it comes to romance itself, Violet doesn’t know the first thing about it. She’s quite independent, and she doesn’t see that changing any time soon. She didn’t exactly have the best of relationships to look up to when she was a child, so that definitely had some impact on her thinking now. MEMORY: A good memory. She writes things down to ensure she remembers them too. PLANNING: Great at planning. Sometimes it goes out the window, but Violet really does her best to make sure she’s prepared. INTUITION: Good intuition. She’s had plenty of time to learn about what the best decisions to make in various social settings are, and being the sheriff’s daughter has taught her something about intuition in general (aka follow it). PROBLEM SOLVING: Loves problem solving. Not, like, listening to people’s problems and advising, but puzzles and mysteries. She’s a curious girl, and she likes getting answers. GOALS: Main goal is to get out of Normal. All of her small goals relate to that and maintaining a decent relationship with the only family member she has. INSECURITIES: Only recently has she really become insecure about the fact that her best friend is her dad, so she’s trying to put herself out there just a little more. She’s also vaguely insecure about how she looks. When she does speak up, she needs to feel like she’s being properly understood and is never in a situation where she could be misquoted. ACHIEVEMENTS: Violet’s gotten a decent amount of academic awards. She treasures them. She thinks they’re her ticket out of town. ANXIETY: Social anxiety for sure. Most of her anxiety stems from that. SELF-HELP: She deals with her life problems by ignoring them or noting them in her journal. She doesn’t work them out. COMFORTS: A good book, a quiet room, the ability to just vent through writing and know no one will read it. BAD HABITS: Lately it’s ignoring the voice in her head that says to stop talking. Generally, it’s her constantly switching friend groups, even if sometimes she wants to stay. PHILOSOPHY: She was vaguely religious in childhood, but that went away when her mom did. Dad doesn’t have time for church. TRIGGERS: None that she’s aware of yet.

THE PAST.

PARENTS/GUARDIANS: Great relationship with dad on most days. No relationship with her mother. LIFE EVENTS: Violet’s life was greatly altered by her mother leaving (she has some pretty serious abandonment issues that have manifested in various ways), but perhaps even moreso by how the town reacted. If it had been a quiet leave that no one discussed, she might have turned out entirely differently. Instead, she very quickly learned the importance of avoiding the spotlight at all costs. WORST DAY OF THEIR LIFE: The day her mom left (and the next year after it). BEST DAY OF THEIR LIFE: Hasn’t happened yet. Everything’s been pretty one-note since.

RELATIONSHIPS.

FAMILY: Violet’s only family is her dad. He was an only child and both of his parents have passed. She doesn’t know anyone on her mother’s side. To her knowledge she’s an only child. FRIENDSHIPS: Violet doesn’t have any friends. Any true friends, at least. She tries to keep good relations with pretty much everyone she comes across, but she’s actively avoided any genuine friendships. Her closest friends (beyond her dad) are probably the other employees at the station. Vi doesn’t know what she actually wants in a friend, but the ability to listen and know when talking was the last thing she wanted would be nice. Also some mutual interests. FRIENDS IN NEED: Violet hasn’t had to do this yet. She’d likely be mildly uncomfortable with it at first, but she’d give it her best effort NEEDING A FRIEND: Violet goes to her journal with most of her problems. If she really needs help she’ll go to her dad, but he thinks she’s pretty self-sufficient. ANNOYANCES: Violet gets surprisingly petty surprisingly quickly. While normally she’s able to just bottle everything up, if someone is really determined to get something out of her, they will. She prefers to have the last word too. ROMANCE: Violet has no clue how to woo anyone, but if she’s going to be with someone, she wants it to be someone who she has a good rapport with. Someone she’s actually interested in talking to and sharing with. Aka not Norman Normal, who she finds tragically boring. ADVERSARIES: People who are unnecessarily cruel. If you’re being mean and you don’t have a reason, Violet has no time for you. ENEMIES: She has no enemies yet beyond town gossip. STRANGERS: Violet’s good with strangers, since she prefers for most people to remain on that level to her. FUN STUFF: Doing normal teenage things? Going to the movies, hanging out at Marie’s. DATING: Violet has never dated before and therefore does not know the first thing about dating. If she had to choose her ideal date, it would probably be at the library. Minimal talking, but they could choose books for each other and she’d try not to judge based on what she was given. Book choices say a lot. BEST FRIEND: Honestly, it’s her father. She doesn’t even really consider herself to have friends. LOVE: N/A WORST ENEMY: None. Yet.

INTERACTIONS.

MINGLING: Vi is a social butterfly. She’s great at mingling, but she tries to keep herself distant at some level at all times. COMFORT LEVELS: Violet is an introvert and she doesn’t necessarily enjoy talking to others, but she does it out of necessity. PHYSICAL: Violet avoids physical touch. GROUPS: Violet prefers small groups 99/100 times. OPENNESS: Violet is very reserved and distant. She frequently deflects questions about herself by asking questions about the person she is conversing with. Anything so as to not draw attention to herself. GENEROSITY: Vi hasn’t ever really had to be generous, but she has it in her to be. It’s pretty likely she’ll order pizza for the Murder Club on several occasions. JEALOUSY: Vi sometimes gets jealous of people with really present parents, but at the end of the day it’s not something she’d lose sleep over. She just journals it out and everything’s fine. TEMPER: Violet has a decent amount of patience, but if someone is pushing very specific buttons, she’ll be worked up in seconds. EMPATHY: Violet’s decent at empathy. She can connect the dots as to why they’re feeling a particular way and gains her understanding that way. She still tries to keep her distance, but she’s had to use empathy in some social situations before. AFFECTION: Affectionate in quiet ways. Never through touch, but through small gestures. You know she cares when she remembers small things about you and maybe just shows up one day and offers you the chips you mentioned one time that you liked. DISTASTE: Her eyes say it so her words don’t have to. Vi isn’t out to make any enemies. ETIQUETTE: She’s a polite girl. She sticks to social norms. Her father would be disappointed in her if she didn’t. RESPONSIBILITY: Violet hates to admit when she’s wrong, but she’ll quietly try and correct things. If she’s forced to admit she messed up, it’s a very bitter admission. SELF ESTEEM: Vi has some. Not a ton, but enough that she doesn’t feel bad about herself and her choices at every turn. CONFIDENCE: Vi likes to think that she doesn’t care what others think of her, but she definitely does. Others talking about her is her worst nightmare. HONESTY: She tries not to speak her honest opinion. Sometimes it slips out. It’s not always nice. LEADER OR FOLLOWER: She’s tried to force herself to be a follower, but deep down she’s more of a leader. PRAISE: Vi is very bad at taking compliments, but she has a general understanding of how she probably should do it. FAILURES: She just sort of disappears and refuses to share. Eventually for someone that has to be annoying. She would also definitely ghost someone. CRITICISM: She takes criticism very poorly. In her mind, no one even knows her well enough to criticize her. INSULTS: Vi wants to have a comeback for every insult that comes her way. It’s rare that it happens, so it’s a nice chance to use her wit. EMBARRASSMENT: If she does anything embarrassing in public and thinks anyone has seen, Vi wants to immediately crawl in a hole and die. FLIRTING: She’s not flirtatious at all, but if for some reason she needed to be, she’s seen enough movies that she could probably act her way out of things. ATTENTION SPAN: Good attention span as long as the situation isn’t overwhelming. Vi does a lot, so her focus is always somewhat split. SITUATIONS: Vi’s good at mediating, since she doesn’t like to assign herself to a side. She tries to avoid doing it, however, in case things get messy.

LIFE.

DUTY: On top of being a good student, Violet takes care of her dad by making sure he’s eating and encouraging him to sleep. She’s done it for as long as she can remember, but it’s definitely gotten harder lately. She also volunteers (sometimes paid, mostly not) at the local library. TECH: Good at technology. She’s never really had a life without it. POLITICS: Violet is big on voting. Clearly. She’s pro-police because of her father (and stubborn about it, though the tide could turn). And she has more liberal beliefs. COMBAT SKILLS: Surprisingly high. Violet’s dad made her take self-defense classes when she was younger and she gets a refresher every other year. He also taught her how to shoot and she learned archery in Girl Scouts. In case of emergency, she’s prepared... though given that she’s not a superhero who conveniently carries arrows around, the archery thing probably won’t be so useful in a fight. HOME: Things are kept tidy in the Matthews home. A little less so lately, but there’s still an order. DAILY LIFE: She’s pretty good at keeping up with the twists and turns of daily life. Her trick is to remain just detached enough that nothing quite phases her. INDEPENDENCE: Super independent. With her father working as much as he does, Vi’s been on her own minus some daily checking in over meals for a while. Most of the time she prefers it. Sometimes it gets lonely. COOKING: She cooks. Decently well. She also sometimes saves up her fridge money to do her own grocery shopping, since constant takeout meals gets boring CLEANING: Violet was given a rigorous chore schedule when she was young, and she’s been able to keep up with it over the years. If her dad isn’t home much, someone needs to keep things clean. SHOPPING: She shops, but it’s normally not a long thing and half of the time it’s online. She’s gone on social shopping trips occasionally when she’s social butterflying into a group that does that, but it’s definitely not something she’s used to. DRIVING: Violet knows how to drive out of necessity and has a license, but she doesn’t have a car. FINANCES: Violet comes from a single-income household and really doesn’t make any money on her own, so she’s not in the best of financial positions but she’s certainly not poor. She doesn’t get an allowance, but she essentially gets a food stipend every day, so it adds up. She’s good at saving it, too. She knows she’ll need every penny once college rolls around. PETS: No pets. She also presently doesn’t want any. Why get one now if you probably can’t take it with you to college? LAW: Violet truly does her best to avoid breaking the law. She’s not sure what would happen if someone caught her doing it, but at the very least she’d definitely get an ‘I’m very disappointed in you’ talk from... well, everyone at the station. TRAVELING: Her dad is a workaholic, so she hasn’t been on a real vacation since her mom left. Before then it was just to nearby locations. When she was in Girl Scouts, she went camping. MEDICAL: Violet’s number one priority is taking care of herself, so she seeks out medical attention when she needs it. WORRIES: Plenty. Mostly it’s a ‘what if I get stuck in Normal for the rest of my life’ thing,  but it constantly varies. PEACE: Used to the quiet. Since she’s had a lot of alone time growing up, it’s just her normal. She sometimes finds it difficult to concentrate if there’s a lot happening. PARTYING: Violet is not a partier. Normally she doesn’t see the use in showing up at one, since she socializes out of necessity. HOBBIES: Journaling, reading, more recently investigating (it’s nice to have that purpose now).

[grcndel]

hey, i’m a trans intersex dude and i’m seeing a  LOT  of people in the rpc misuse the term  ‘intersex’  in reference to their characters when what they should really be saying is  ‘trans’  --  and vice versa  --  so here’s a very simple, base-level guide to what word you should probably use  &  when.

so first off,  trans and intersex are not the same thing.  intersex people are NOT part of the  ‘T’  in the LGBT acronym, and  a lot of intersex people do not want to be grouped in with the LGBT community    ( one deals with non-biological aspects of identity;  the other is an uncontrollable biological trait ).   being born intersex is as likely as being born red-headed.  intersex people are not some grand mystery.  please be educated and respectful.  we exist everywhere, and you wouldn’t even know it.

THE TERM  ‘INTERSEX’  ENCOMPASSES :

people whose primary and secondary + tertiary sexual characteristics do not  “match”  for reasons unrelated to corrective or cosmetic surgery   ( i.e.  someone who is born with a penis and develops significant breast tissue during puberty and/or fails to grow significant facial / bodily hair post-sexual-maturity;  or someone who is born with a vagina but develops no significant breast tissue during puberty and/or grows significant facial / bodily hair post-sexual-maturity ).

people whose genitals are not definably either a penis or a vagina;  the incorrect, offensive term for this is often  ‘hermaphrodite,’  but people under this description aren’t limited to having both a penis and a vagina.  it could be a person with a vagina and testicular growth, a person with a penis and a uterus in any stage of development, or a person with a vagina whose clitoris constitutes as more of a  ‘micropenis’    ( you probably also shouldn’t describe it as this, but it’s a case-by-case basis:  all intersex people will refer to their body parts as different things depending on how they otherwise identify ).  there are a wide variety of ways beyond this, of course, that intersex peoples’ primary sexual organs can manifest on their body.  it’s really none of your business what they have between their legs unless they decide to share that info with you.

people who are hormonally intersex.  hormonally intersex people face less of a risk of genital mutilation and forceful at-birth gender  "correction”  than the categories above.  these cases of being intersex are often not immediately caught at birth or at puberty.  it could be that someone’s endocrine system produces more estrogen than testosterone despite being otherwise  “biologically male”    ( for unfortunate lack of a better term ),    or that a  “biologically female”  person’s system produces more testosterone than estrogen.  this sometimes ties in with a person being born with an  “abnormal”  chromosomal makeup, which means they aren’t XX or XY but are XXY, XYY, XXX, etc.  these fall under the popular labels  “klinefelter syndrome,”  “jacob’s syndrome,”  and  “triple-X syndrome,”  respectively.  there are many, many more possibilities than this, but these are some of the most commonly known / identifiable.  “abnormal”  chromosomal makeup can also lead to the conditions described in the above two categories.

THE TERM  ‘TRANSGENDER’    ( INCLUDING NONBINARY, AGENDER, GENDERQUEER, ETC. )    ENCOMPASSES :

people who are struggling to understand where they fall on the gender binary.

people whose gender identities exist outside of the gender binary.

( sometimes, not always )    people who use pronouns that do not  “match”  with the binary gender they  seem  visually aligned with / present as.  this can be because they are unable to present in a way that  “matches”  their pronouns, are intentionally presenting androgynously or in opposition to their pronouns, or because they simply prefer to use those pronouns and it has nothing to do with their actual gender identity    ( i.e.  she/her or they/them men;  they/them or he/him women;  he/him or she/her genderless / genderqueer / nonbinary people ).

people whose gender identities are not adherent to the gender identities assigned to them at birth,  which may or may not affect pronouns, visual presentation, or bodily alteration.  this is usually, but not always, caused by gender dysphoria.

that’s  ...  literally it, man.  it’s that easy.  someone who presents in a manner that is stereotypically different from the pronouns they use is not an intersex person.  someone who is born intersex is not inherently a trans person, though many intersex people whose parents decided what gender they ought to be raised + socialized as do end up realizing they’re trans later down the line.  

TRANS AND INTERSEX ARE NOT THE SAME THING.  PLEASE STOP CALLING TRANS CHARACTERS INTERSEX.  PLEASE STOP THINKING EVERY INTERSEX PERSON IS TRANS.  EACH GROUP IS SEPARATE, WITH UNIQUE VOCABULARIES, STRUGGLES, AND SELF-REFERENTIAL CONCEPTS, EVEN IF THEY SOMETIMES OVERLAP.  

SEX  &  GENDER, WHILE BOTH SOCIALLY CONSTRUCTED, ARE NOT THE SAME THING.

[atypical-irritant]

[This has just been sitting in my drafts for almost a week. I swear I hit reblog, my apologies.]

M, huh? That's a good name; short and to the point. (/genuine)

I personally identity with the term "mute", but in plural spaces I do often describe myself as a nonverbal alter or things similar to . I believe many are under the impression that even if one alter is entirely nonverbal, if the situation called for it, another alter could just take over and speak instead. Nevermind the fact that I would be talked over entirely in that scenario. Also, having another alter intervene isn't always possible nor is it appreciated. personally hate when others speak over me, even if it's considered necessary.

So I'm not sure if it's so much they believe "if one alter has speech issues then you all do" as much as it is "if one alter is nonverbal but other alters aren't, they still shouldn't claim the term because, due to the verbal alters, they technically aren't nonverbal and could never fully understand the experiences of those who are". Obviously, it isn't as blatant as that, from what I've seen, but there is plenty of disregard for nuance in a lot of the things I've seen said.

For example, one common argument I've seen is if those who are physically capable of speech sometimes claim they are "nonverbal" or "go nonverbal" but later on they're seen talking, then others will assume fully nonverbal people can speak and will expect that of them as well. I agree, people shouldn't appropriate another group's terms, especially medical terms, as it waters down the meaning. But with that example, my experiences are automatically nullified by the existence of other alters who can speak.

That's not to say there isn't a responsibility as a whole to be mindful of our public facing image and what affects it may have, no. The "singletsona" we present only claims having episodes of speech loss so as to include me without giving the wrong impression. But if I'm in an overt setting with those who are aware of my existence and limitations, then of course I would aim to be more accurate to my own experiences. The idea that, even then, I still have no right to the vocabulary that best describes my situation feels as though the possible perception of ignorant people supersedes my own existence.

The main issue I've come to find is there isn't much out there written by or for nonverbal alters. What there is typically is of the general perception that nonverbal alters are avoidant or sensitive by nature, so finding anything about those differ as I do is practically impossible. It likely doesn't help that it's common for nonverbal alters to take control less frequently than their verbal counterpart.

A friend of mine, while discussing my frustrations with feeling as though there are no terms or communities for people like me, mntioned that I should try reaching out rather than searching blindly until something matches. Though I'm not personally fond of that sort of attention seeking, I suppose a general crowdsourcing wouldn't hurt.

For context, I am apart of a system, and one of my more general traits is that I'm a symptom holder for speech loss episodes associated with our autism. Prior to my formation, these were a system-wide issue. The running theory is it was safer to delegate these episodes to one person who was more capable of handling whatever altercations arose from this.

As a result, I don't speak at all. I previously considered this a choice on my part but have since realized it's much less in my control than I initially thought. Just to clarify, I'm not selectively mute as that is an anxiety disorder and I am not by any means anxious nor does my speech difficulties correlate to any particular situations or settings. There are alters in my system who have rather severe anxiety, but I am not one of them nor is their anxiety the cause of my speech loss. And though I occasionally am physically capable of speech, never do I actually use that ability, regardless of the impact that may cause.

The issue is I can't seem to find anyone else like me. Most posts I find either center around selective mutism and the anxiety that goes along with it, are those entirely incapable of speech due to bodily limitations, or are those who fluctuate between speaking and not.

So basically, I don't relate at all to anything I've found. In fact, all I have found has nearly repelled me from continuing to search. The debating on who can and can't use what terms, though understanable on its own, erases and overlooks situations like mine. I'm sick of it, but I'll save that rant for another post.

If anyone else out there is like me, who never speaks though rarely there are times they possibly can, please feel free to interact here. Or just anyone who's mutism isn't linked to anxiety.

[parvummalum07]

Inky paths of life 01

First post on Tumblr. Well. I am not a native English speaker so I Really don’t know whether or not I should use simple present tense when my characters are thinking...So, sorry if my shit grammar and very limited vocabulary bother you.

Soulmate AU; John POV; most likely bad ending and major character death. I hope I would actually finish this one hahahaha...

I don’t own these people; they own me, in some way or another. God bless the Beatles.

Nothing is real and nothing is to hung about.

He knew they would come in one way or another; suddenly or slowly, sometimes just under one’s eyes. So it didn’t surprise him that his word chose to came in the most unattractive and mediocre way: it appeared in his dream, without him noticing. And it also didn’t surprise him that it chose to appear across his waist, the position most people have their words. Mediocre, indeed; even its context was rather boring, because there was only one word instead of a sentence that people usually have and really, what kind of boring lover would make the last word she would say to him Johnny? Wouldn’t that unknown person choose to leave a more charming, more romantic remark on her own death?

 Wouldn’t his lover be different than those idiots who would actually call the names of their soulmates when they die?

 Yes, the fucking fate whispered in his ears, I did chose such an unpleasant soulmate for you, because why not? He brushed these dark thoughts away with a sneering bark, but in the dead of night, when he finally got rid of Mimi’s endless remarks on that ‘special person’, and had to face the darkness alone, such thoughts crept up to his spine, leaving an icy trace between his shoulder blades. You are just an ordinary human being, this disembodied voice said to him, just a boy that nobody loves. Your dad left you, your mom left you, no one at school likes you, you are the troublemaker and the stupid one, failing your courses all the time. So why an interesting soulmate?

 And deep down inside, he agreed. Maybe John Lennon doesn’t deserve a unique soulmate, and that’s OK. But still, a part of himself thought of his word as a……sign? Maybe a prophecy? Deep down there was a kind of hope shining like twilight: at least, for now, he surely has a soulmate……he had heard about illnesses—and sometimes, the lack of love—which would deprive a person from having a mark at the age of 15; at least he didn’t belong to them. Maybe, just maybe, there was a soulmate—probably a good-looking one—must be a good-looking one, come on! –right there, waiting for John, and she would love him no matter what.

 Maybe.

   The first time he felt like meeting a soulmate, he realized later on, was the time he met Paul. Of course he didn’t know how it feels, but that was the closest ever feeling compared to his imagination. The earth would not stop turning, there wouldn’t be blinding light flashing everywhere……but there was definitely something going on. Sparks flying. The first time he ever saw that Elvis-looking boy walking into that church, he thought: holy shit.

 Not a decent thing to say in a church, he knew, but still. The scene was shocking.

 Technically speaking it wasn’t the first time he met Paul because he had seen him, had met him on the bus for several times, had saw him waving to the girls alongside the window, smiling as if surprised and embarrassed by the admiration from the other gender. He regarded this gesture as phony, for what kind of girls wouldn’t fall for his looks, with those cherubic cheeks and doe eyes? He knew some guys who would howl at these pair of eyebrows as well; sex appeals, it seems, are not so mutually exclusive. Later on he would alter this belief, admitting that yes, that little Elvis really didn’t expect such attraction, but at that time the stranger on the bus seemed to be the exact kind of people he would normally hate at first sight.

 Except that he wasn’t. That warm voice of his certainly mastered Twenty flight rock well, but the real surprise fell when Elvis and Little Richard came ringing in the hall. John was immediately attracted by that person, and all of a sudden, the world was making a lot more senses to him. It was truly breathtaking.

 “What was your name again?” he asked after the show-off, trying hard to bury his excitement under a cool mask, and that boy smiled triumphantly.

 “Paul,” he responded, his fingertips sliding down the white keys elegantly, “Paul McCartney.”

   Paul, as far as he knew, was the only one who didn’t show around his own words. This wasn’t usually what a Scouse teenager do within the age hierarchy, for you simply highlight your authority to people younger than you by showing off your words. At first he thought that was because his marks were buried deep in his clothes, on a position where only intimate families could see, but later on, when being asked by a mutual friend of theirs, he laughed and explained.

 “I just don’t do it,” he said lightly to Ivan, after a quite successful gig, when everyone around them were drinking and laughing heavily, “not because it is hard to show or something—God bless those who have their word on their butt—but because I simply don’t want to.”

 “How come?” Pete yelled from afar, his booming voice echoing in the unbearable din. Everyone in the pub began yelling to each other, and John was suddenly very, very angry for the fact that the music was on, so fucking loud that if Paul chose this moment to give Ivan a private answer, he wouldn’t be able to know what he had spoken. But Paul simply smiled; he shook his head fondly and leaned on the bar counter, flying John a glance as he shouted out his order to a rather pissed-looking barman.

 “Weird, isn’t he?” Ivan commented, and he hummed his agreement absent-mindedly, watching the dark-haired boy leaning closer to the bar, a flash of sweaty pale skin appearing under his shirt. His mouth suddenly turned very, very dry.

   They didn’t touch upon this topic until much later, when John was sobbing uncontrollably in Paul’s arms, his attempts at speaking failing pathetically because of erupting hiccups and gasps. The pain of losing Julia was suddenly too intense to endure, he didn’t want that part of himself unveiled in front of Paul, but Paul stuck to him, faced his ferocious burst of anger without a blink of his eye, and finally, finally, John allowed himself to collapse under the embrace of the younger boy, his body limp yet for the first time in days relieved. Paul didn’t mutter a single word, just held a death grip on the back of John’s open shirt, and strangely, that was just what John needed at the moment.

 Finally, after burying his nose in Paul’s neck for a long time—he could smell a faint odor of lavender from Paul’s skin, mixed up with sweat and a fresh scent he couldn’t tell, a scent so uniquely Paul’s—he could finally utter a full sentence without sounding teary.

 “How did you survive all that, Macca?” he whispered, “how did you……get used to…losing…her?”

 Paul inhaled deeply. He inhaled so deeply that John could feel his heart beating within his ribcage, under their closely pressed-together skin. “I didn’t,” after a long pause, he said, his beautiful eyes blank, “I couldn’t. You simply bleed and carry on, that’s all.”

 John breathed. In, out, in, out. So simple, yet so hard. Life is fragile, he suddenly realized, for he would be dead so easily if he simply stops doing this.

 “You don’t admire my dad, I know,” Paul whispered, his sound cracking a little at the end of each word, “but I truly respect him……for he could still carry on. It is a miracle he even survived; I couldn’t imagine……”

 He shuddered, and John suddenly knew.

 “Your mom and dad, they are soulmates, right?”

 He couldn’t see his face but he knew somehow that Paul closed his eyes. “He said to her the words when she……passed away.”

 There was a long silence. John would swear to God that he felt warm wetness sinking into the collar of his shirt, but when Paul spoke again, there was no trace of tears in his voice.

 “That was like a kind of fraud, isn’t it?” he commented, his voice fierce and vibrating with emotion, “Knowing a person’s words and say to him or her the exact sentence before that person dies? It……I don’t know how to put it……how the fuck could someone—anyone—believe that it is the end, it is the last time they……How can they be certain? How can they choose to do so? Isn’t it arrogant to assume themselves to be soulmates? Wasn’t it something that should be decided……not by people?”

 John let go of Paul’s shirt, sat up straight, studied him quite closely. He didn’t know where his glasses were, so he couldn’t tell whether Paul cried or not; but intense sorrow and yearning were erupting from under that girlishly handsome face, appearing and disappearing like flashes of shooting star. This bare, intimate display of his most ferocious emotions didn’t contort Paul’s features, but made him—impossibly—even more beautiful; he now held a face of a pained martyr or a constrained saint, a face that suddenly made John too awed to look at.

 “So this is why you didn’t show your marks to anyone, is it?” he whispered, “do you……not expect your wife or someone to be your soulmate?”

 He would never forget Paul’s tone when he answered that question. “I do,” he said calmly, “I just don’t want them to feel obliged to be my soulmate. That would be too heartbroken for them if I die first.”

   Stu held a different opinion. In fact, Stu held too many different opinions; he and Paul were like two ends of a magnet. But somehow, John found them disturbingly alike: both were sensitive and easy to fall into melancholy, both were mature beyond their own age, both were somehow timid when facing the girls, seemingly unaware of the charm and aura they carried around themselves. Stu, however, was built in much less strong material; John would say he was hesitant, unsure about his future and ambition, whereas Paul was nothing but the opposite.

 He never knew why all these conversations about soulmates or words took place inside dark damp gross-smelling pubs, but they did. One night in Hamburg they were hanging around, simply enjoying themselves, and this topic was brought up between large gulps of beer and rude laughter, in the dance hall filled with people so engaged in having fun that they didn’t even want to think about the future. The light was blinding, flashes of colors erupting like firework across people’s faces.

 “Why did you come to Germany anyway?” Someone, maybe Ringo, asked.

 Stu chuckled. He pulled the neck of his shirt, revealing a patch of milky pale skin. A sharp line of dark words was shining under a thin layer of sweat. “German,” he claimed, when people around him hooted and whistled, “you’d believe that it’s easier to find a bird speaking German here, mates.”

 He didn’t know why he brought that up, but: “Do you know Paul never show his marks to anyone?”

 Stu stared at him, then turned to Paul, who froze beside John’s arm. “Not even to you?” he asked suspiciously, taking in this piece of information with difficulty, “How come?”

 “It doesn’t matter,” Paul retorted, suddenly putting all his guards up like a hedgehog hiding his underbelly while facing an attack, “I just……don’t.”

 Stu swallowed. A sincere shade of unease flashed across his delicate features. “But……what if there’s some accident? What if your words are someone’s last words before an accident takes place? You’ve got to know them to prevent an accident, isn’t it? Life is very short, and there’s no time for you to hesitate.”

 They both jumped when Paul suddenly slammed his bottle of beer hard on the bar counter. “That isn’t my case, is it, Stu?” he sneered, “I’m not the one with these words on his chest. Enjoy the night, lads!”

 And in a swirl, he charged out of the pub. Stu and John stared at each other, while an icy atmosphere suddenly fell heavily in their small group of friends. Someone made a joke deliberately, and soon afterward, everyone was laughing again; the eye contact between them, however, didn’t break.

 “I apologize,” John said, a nasty scent of bitterness rising in his throat, “he was—”

 “No,” Stu answered, buttoning his shirt absent-mindedly, his eyes suddenly in tears, “no, I understand.”

 His fingertips brushed across these sharply written German, which, roughly translated into English, would be: Shit, Stu, what the fuck, don’t die, don’t—

TBC

[mitigatedchaos]

Considering the Yudkowsky quote about consequentialism being correct but virtue ethics being what works...

Thinking isn't just metabolically expensive, it's also time-expensive. The tight limits on the amount of available hardware significantly constrain organism design.

Act Utilitarianism is really ridiculously computationally expensive, even if you dramatically limit the scope of analysis. The space of all possible social responses is simply too vast to search efficiently, and even if more hardware were added, it would be more cost-effective to use it for other purposes.

The ability to, for example, snark is something that can be trained. It isn't just a matter of neurotype. Because the space of social responses is so vast, and the brain is associative, we can think of the brain as offering a limited set of conditioned responses to quickly choose from in a social situation. The response has to be fast to show that it isn't deceitful (truth is less costly as it requires less adversarial modelling).

Practice and experience in a way of thinking can alter the probability distribution of the responses developed by the subconscious. The brain is flexible. The brain is adaptive. It builds up support systems and primes vocabulary in other supporting systems as they are used. This allows the efficient use of limited available hardware resources.

There are limits to these abilities (neurotype, genes, brain structure, deeper primal drives, previous conditioning, too large a gap in too small a time), but the abilities are present for most everyone.

To bring it back around... the cultivation of virtue through self-discipline and the development of habit causes the 'better' options to come up first and provides them with more support, making them easier to choose without thinking, much like training in physical movements such as dance or martial arts. This is computationally cheap, and if done correctly (not attempting to exceed capabilities by too large of a margin) sustainable.

Due to the nature of social competition, it is probably always the case that adding more hardware does not close the gap between the efficiency of virtue-type approaches vs. act utilitarianism. Opportunity costs end up using all that new hardware for something else, or the expected computational cost to be spent on any given social interaction rises.

That's my theory, anyway.