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shelikeswongkarwai · 2 months ago

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[ of clapperboards and ]

ft. @051688 in another au because they won’t let us rest

Elena has no idea how she landed this gig. One of the assistants to an up and coming Korean actor? Especially when her grasp of the language had days where it was dubious at best? She had a friend who knew a guy who worked for another guy— all she wanted was work and she loved film and its inner workings. And rent needed to be paid. And apparently they wanted a foreigner on board, something about the emerging jdrama market… all she really heard was that she’d be on staff for some emerging heartthrob.

The first time she met him, she didn’t really see it. Sure, he was tall and broad and had teeth, but she couldn’t help but wonder just how well this Ahn Bohyun character would do. And yes. In this verse they have the same names still. What about it?

She’d been braced and fed horror stories and the importance of keeping her distance and keeping things strictly professional. It was all a bit intimidating at first, being at someone’s beck and call, but the more experienced staffers acclimated her to the routine of things and gently corrected her Korean. The first time she got to join him on set with some other staffers, she begun to understand.

It was some variety show that involved getting answers wrong and being thrown into water…? At least that’s what Elena could gather. It looked freezing. And harrowing. They got to watch most of it behind the production crew and during breaks they scuttled forward with towels and snacks and concerned looks. What got to her was his attitude. He was chipper. Unwavering in his grins despite his costume being soaked through and any and all hair products long gone from his matted hair. She remembered the way he smiled in thanks when she brought him a water bottle and she got to thinking that maybe he had a shot in this whole hallyu business.

But of course, a few months later and she’s reminding herself: “He’s nice to everyone.” Because he is. It didn’t matter where you landed in the food chain, Bohyun had kindness to spare for everyone, even when there were no cameras around. It was mildly distressing when she noticed herself staring and sifting through magazines for his latest shoot. She’d even gone out of her way to buy his photobook, knowing good and well she could have just asked management for one. But she wanted to support him. And more importantly and urgently, wanted no one to know that sometimes her face went hot when he’d ask for her by name and ask her of her weekend as she struggled to remember why she’d gone to him to begin with.

The worst was when he’d speak to her in her native tongue. Because of course he’s still multilingual and near perfect in this verse too, he wouldn’t be him if he weren’t. The first time it happened it was unexpected and a couple hours into a party they had thrown him after the last day of shooting for one of his recent dramas (something where he played a jerk and had to dye his hair— he couldn’t wait to go back to black). She realized pretty quickly into the gig that his staff adored him and found any excuse to celebrate his achievements, and this was no different.

She recalled nursing the same beer all night, she couldn’t imagine drinking on the job despite everyone shedding their usual formalities and relaxing, and somehow standing before the massacred congratulatory cake when he joined her. He smiled that big smile of his and asked her in well practiced Japanese, if she wanted a slice. Her mouth dropped. And he barked out a laugh, unfazed by her shock as he explained he’d taken an interest in the language back in secondary and was mostly self taught. Elena’s blood boiled: no human could be this perfect. She chugged from her beer at the notion.

He proceeded to cut her a slice and they continued to speak in Japanese, allowing her to unfurl and relax before she’d even realized it, and they sat on the floor across from each other volleying questions to each other like: “What’s your favourite book?”, “Why’s Merde your favourite short from ‘Tokyo!’?”, “Do you plan on doing this forever?” just to name a few. You can go ahead and make guesses as to who asked what.

After that, she was a bit of a goner. For as young as she was, she was serious about her work and maintaining professionalism and respecting boundaries— yet there was only so much she could do about the wavering fist in her belly when they’d share a wave down a hallway or laugh at a tiktok between takes. Elena understood that he was a nice man, a good man, and that she couldn’t take anything to heart. She was just a kid after all finding her way in the world that was show business.

With his growing fame came the rumours.

One week his female costar was supposedly in love with him and the next, he was apparently courting his model cast mate from a variety appearance the week before. They always found it amusing when the stories would pop up and as his staff they’d make it their mission to find the most ridiculous rumours online and show it to him. Bohyun was always tickled by them. Elena wished she could relate. Instead she went into private dives at home, skewering herself as she tried to find the source of these rumours and if there was any semblance of truth. It wasn’t as if she could ask him herself. That would be ridiculous.

Nearly a year into the job and suddenly one of the rumours are true. Pictures are plastered all over the internet one random night of Bohyun leaving the apartment of a well known (and beautiful and talented) idol and even more disconcerting is the confirmation from both their companies that the two are in fact dating and doing so quietly and happily. The office is abuzz and the group chat doesn’t stop ringing from exclamations and assertions from the other staff that they knew it! A man like him couldn’t possibly be single and any girl would be lucky to date him. They were a very loyal team as you can see. The tight fist returned to her belly but this time it had morphed into a boulder and she wanted to barf all over everything.

She knew they were right. It made more sense that he was in a relationship, he was always being teased and prodded about his type and when he’d land himself a girlfriend and here he was, and she didn’t have it in her to celebrate with the rest of the team.

She wasn’t an actress for a reason. She was terrible at pretending.

The next time she saw him, it's a few days after the announcement at their offices after what looked to be a meeting, she could barely catch his eyes when she wished him a perfunctory congratulations and tried to excuse herself with record speed. But unfortunately they were headed in the same direction and he had longer legs and gained on her in a few steps.

“Elena-yah, where are you off to in such a hurry?” Suddenly she hated the honorific but couldn’t help but slow anyway because she liked her job (andmaybeshelikedhimew).

“……cafeteria? Couple of the unnies want some coffee.” That wasn’t an entire lie. No one had actually asked for the drinks, but she knew they wouldn’t turn them down, and she couldn’t tell him she was trying to get away from him.

“I’ll help. You can’t be expected to carry all that on your own.” She hated that he’d reverted to Japanese and that it made her palms sweat.

“No, no, don’t worry. It’s not a lot. Don’t you have somewhere to be? Doesn't.... this place seem louder since the news?" She internally winced. Why had she brought it up? She didn’t want to and it wasn’t her business to begin with.

She couldn’t see his bemused expression as he peeked down at her as they walked. “It’s almost as if no one can believe I could land someone like her. Am I so hideous?” When she shot him a look, she saw that familiar playfulness behind his eyes and tried not to gulp.

“….if anything, she’s the lucky one.” She mumbled, coughing right after and pulling out her phone in an attempt at nonchalance. Like I said, Elena was a terrible actress.

He does in fact help her with her improvised coffee order and they carry it back to the staff room, greeted with cheers and the delighted twitters of the team as he was bombarded with congratulations and hushed curiousity. Elena wanted no part in it, if that wasn’t obvious already, so she scurried into a corner and pretended to be preoccupied with the schedule. She popped her airpods in so she couldn’t overhear a thing.

The months went on just like this. To everyone’s surprise, the new couple was heralded by all and fans from both sides were simply excited for the pair— it was so unlike the usual reception such announcements received. It figured his would be unprecedented, Elena thought, trying her damndest not to roll her eyes at all the praise lauded their way. She was only human. A young one with a crush at that. It was clear to all of them that he was happy. Happier than usual? She couldn’t be sure. But there were less impromptu team get togethers that he was available to show up for with his schedule filled to the brim to begin with, never mind the coordinating they were all sure it took for an idol and actor of their calibre. But leave it to Bohyun to find a way, they all thought.

It was hard to be the jealous little gremlin that she was when everyone else in the office was so happy for the beautiful couple. She couldn’t disagree. They were picture perfect.

In those months her Korean had improved and she was entertaining first and second dates. Her excuse had always been work and being too busy for such things out here, but if someone like Bohyun could do it, why couldn’t she? She wasn’t dumb. She was well aware she was trying to fan away the childish feelings in her chest by going out to dinner with a burgeoning model and by traipsing the night market with a university student. She couldn’t help it. Elena needed the distraction, more importantly, she needed something else, anything else, to replace the cloying crush. On the bad days, she’d search his name on Naver and scroll the onslaught of candids of the couple and the countless articles seemingly outlining every supposed aspect of their public relationship. They really did look good together. There was no denying that. But she couldn’t help but wonder what they talked about for hours on end and if she loved cinema as much as he did, and if she’d noticed the mole precariously positioned low on his torso, and if she knew that he snored when he was drunk, and if she’d seen his scars, and if she loved to camp as much as he did, and if they kissed like high schoolers with their first crush, and if—

“Earth to Elena… anybody home?” A voice cut through her cacophony of thoughts and she stirred to be met with the crinkled amusement of the very subject of her thoughts, face suddenly hot as she instinctively pulled back. He stole a look down at the phone in her hands and remembering that it was open to a slew of images of him and his girlfriend, she shoved the device between her legs.

“Ah— sorry. Kind of zoned out there for a minute. Didn’t get much sleep last night,” she feigned a yawn. That was only half true. She was the nocturnal type and rarely got the recommended eight hours of sleep, but any excuse would do.

Something that might be considered a grin played with his lips at that, and he straightened up once more, watching the young staffer, musing in playful Japanese. “I’ve heard a certain Japanese woman has been seen out on a number of dates recently. Have your suitors been keeping you out late?”

If she thought her face was hot then, it was lava under the earth’s crust now. Mouth dry, what was she to say? Sensing her embarrassment, the actor laughed and patted the top of her head with one of his gargantuan hands.

“I’m happy for you, Elena-yah. You’re young. You should be out there having fun.” Ah, yes. A reminder of their age gap. Just what the young woman needed.

“…..I’m not that young.” She pouted, truly showcasing her youth. He could easily pass for someone in his mid to late twenties and she consistently envied the actor’s skin care.

He laughed again, he did that often around her, and she watched his broad back disappear around the corner before slamming her head face first on the desk. She prayed for a concussion or at least memory loss.

Neither of those things occurred though.

But what did was a fan coordinated celebration that consisted of balloons and cake and gift baskets and a coffee truck set up behind their offices with Bohyun’s face plastered all over it. The news that he had landed the leading role in his first movie was official and everyone was happy. He’d earned his success. Even if there was no doubt people claiming it had something to do with his high profile relationship— they all knew back in the office just how much work he had put into his career. Bohyun rarely rested, going from one project to the next after wrapping. He was constantly invited onto variety shows and wasn’t the type to ever say no.

The coffee truck drew many fans during the day but at night when things had quieted down, they could steal away downstairs and grab some drinks before it closed. They were amused by it all. Even the cups had his face on it, each one displaying one of his many roles. It was easy to see the thought and care that had gone into the gift.

Elena wasn’t really one for coffee but she couldn’t pass up a cup with his face on it either. But as fate had it, as she rounded the corner towards the truck, she spotted two very familiar silhouettes stood in front of the truck. She could spot them from a mile away. They looked exactly like the candids she’d scoured online and suddenly her stomach wanted to cave in on itself. It figured the one time she pretended to like coffee he would show up with his girlfriend.

She ducked back behind the corner and peeked out from the wall, she doubted they’d seen her. He was probably showing off the sweet gesture from his fans, not that she could hear them from where she was, but she could infer. The smaller form was dressed in a long dark coat and her hair was pulled back and even under the dim light, Elena knew she was beautiful. Half the globe knew that already. She couldn’t help but laugh to herself. Her crush had always been a dumb notion to begin with, immature and silly in its conception. He wasn’t even her type. All mainstream and broad shoulders— she liked rough edges and nicotine stained fingers. The two forms drew closer, a long arm winding around a tiny back, and that’s when she knew.

The next few weeks were spent job hunting. This had always been a temporary gig in her mind, a crazy opportunity, and one she’d always be grateful for. Elena knew she wasn’t cut out for this business, but it had been fun while it lasted, and she’d met some of the best people she could ever ask for. Her original intent was to look for something out of show business entirely but the lead staffer recommended her to a producer friend of hers instead. He often worked on the sets of variety shows and the older woman had noticed how transfixed Elena had been whenever they’d end up on one. With praise she felt unworthy of, the producer offered her a place on his crew and the entire thing was bittersweet.

She handed in her two weeks notice with the condition no one was told. When her unnie (she was the youngest, they all had her calling them unnie) asked if it had to do with Bohyun, Elena balked and couldn’t hide the feelings on her face. She was kind about it, told her it was all a part of being young, and made her swear to visit. She swore.

For some reason or another, her last two weeks involved frequent sightings of the actor. He was preparing for his film and constantly in and out of the offices for meetings and what looked to be rehearsals. He was the type to bring his script in and read it whenever he had a moment to himself. She found herself walking in on him hunched over the script in his seat or stood in a corner lost in his own world, mouthing back words to himself. She liked his focused expression best. He was unguarded like this. Mouth soft, gaze preoccupied. It certainly didn’t help the feeling in her chest but what was the harm in memorizing a little bit?

On her last day she begged them not to throw a party, especially not in the office, which she only managed by agreeing to celebratory drinks after work which was really code for getting drunk and crying into her peach soju because she’d miss her unnies.

“See you tomorrow!”

“Yeah, see you... don’t overwork yourself. I can see your eyebags from here, you know.” It’s been a few months and she’s hunkered down in the back office of the studio, thumbing through the stunts planned for the rest of the week. She didn’t have the final say, obviously not, but her opinion had some stock and she liked knowing what to expect for the next series of shoots. Working on a show was entirely different from working for an actor, there was a stability to knowing she’d be in the same studio day in and day out. She couldn’t tell if that was better yet.

Elena didn’t mind being one of the last people left behind, it was quiet this way, and she could muffle her thoughts with the ticking of the clock on the wall and the electrical boops and beeps filtering in from across the hall.

“Do they not say goodbye where you’re from?”

She’d know that voice from a mile away at any timbre. The sort of voice she hadn’t heard in person for quite some time now. But she could hear it on television and had it wash over her only just last week in the movie theatre. This time it was riddled in what almost sounded like disappointment and her breath stalled in her throat.

“…no.” Elena hated how sheepish she sounded. A tremor of shame.

There’s a long and suffocating silence that allows her to fully take in the man that looks exactly the same from the last time she’d seen him. He’s suddenly stood in the doorway, like in one of her ill timed dreams, he must’ve just gotten off work, it’s a public space, and the studio’s known to share with other other shows and chances are he's just finished another appearance promoting his new film. But what does it matter?

The last time had been two months back in fact, on her last day at the office (he didn’t know that), he joined in step with her on the way to the cafeteria and asked if he could eat with her. It had been some time. As if she’d say no. Especially not on that day of all days.

She dreaded being alone with him those days, struggling to keep from mentioning the obvious, the elephant in the room. But by the time they’d filled their trays and found a table outside with the umbrellas, some of the familiar ease had returned. He spoke to her in Japanese, while she replied in Korean (they both needed the practice), and she considered telling him the truth, reveal that she was leaving— but he laughed like a boy who had caught his first fish at her badly recited Korean pun, and she couldn’t risk ruining it.

“Are you happy?” The question felt like lightning in the present day and she shrugged, the tears she’d tried to blink back suddenly falling. Incriminating. The silence expanded like a balloon.

“….are you?” She finally whispered. He shrugged too.

“It’s funny what we can get used to. I keep walking around corners thinking I’ll see you.”

“….must be a relief when you don’t.”

“If only.”

If only encompassed too much and took up the entirety of the inside of her chest and he must’ve noticed because he crossed the rest of the distance between them and knelt beside the desk. A large hand suddenly swamped the left of her cheek. Her face really. She wondered if he could feel her heartbeat through her skin.

“If only I'd seen it.” She shook her head, definitive, well aware that if she were to speak she’d sob. “If only you’d told me you were leaving. Why was I the last to know? Why was everyone wary about telling me you’d quit the next day like they were walking on eggshells?” She didn't want to look him in the eyes but there was no helping it and emotions swam in his dark gaze that she wondered if they were reflected in her own. Regret coloured his tongue.

“I didn’t think you’d notice if I was gone.” His brows furrowed in disbelief and she was just impressed with herself for getting it together long enough she managed to croak out the words.

“Elena-yah.” Two months since the last time she heard that. It almost sounded like admonishing but his fingers grazed the skin beneath her mouth, hand still cradling her cheek, and every actress she’d envied before was now her. “May I?”

“…But you’re…”

“Not anymore. It’s a secret.”

“…if only.” She echoed. Their timing was the worst. It almost made her want to laugh but instead she watched him near through her swimming gaze and the warm slide of his lips on hers popped the balloon in her chest. She could taste the salt of her tears which meant he could too but they kept kissing.

And that was all it remained. A bittersweet kiss tinged in salt that thrummed of hello and goodbye. She knew better than to hope for the impossible. He was a star on the steady path of global fame and she was lucky enough to afford rent most months. There was no future in people like them making it together, even if she could still feel the ghost of his breath when he'd flicker across her television screen or she'd hear whispers in the hallways of his appearance as a special guest.

Part of her heart had broken off and gone with him that day but Elena didn't regret it. She wanted Bohyun to keep it, whether or not he knew it was even there. Her happiness for him was genuine, even when the guy she'd gone on a third date with let it slip that he was his favourite actor and asked if she'd ever met him. The way Elena saw it, he was just another one of those actors she heard about from time to time through the grapevine, and everything she had heard was good.

No one else in the world would know about their kiss and the if only sealed away between them. Some things were better off kept behind half closed office doors.

#051688 #au.#sp.#( so i like some parts and don't like others but the fact this has been in my notes for this long is actually illegal atp so please take it #( this is total trash and it could've been better if I kept at it and didn't have months in between each like addition and rewrite #( but take our bbys out of my head pls and thx </3 )

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