#“whats wrong with your brain?” “it yearns for the past but it wont be the same”

[unicornt333rs]

its 333am in the morning

im thinking about being your counterpart,

im thinking about how your head smells,

im thinking about the ring of hazel around your pupils,

im thinking about how soft your beard is,

im thinking about how to catch those eyes,

how to be under your fire again

how do I get you

how did I get you

how do you have me

what is this yearning? Is it biological, is it fate, is it wrong for me, is this self harm, is this life? I can’t help but feel you and think of you. You’ve encapsulated my brain space, body and mind. You’ve created space in my heart I didn’t know I had room for. I didn’t know I could feel soft and light and sweet sweet nothing. all I wanted was your sweet nothing. All I want is for you to want me and hold me. Give me everything you have and give me the devotion I know your firey heart has. ive always wanted what I can’t have. My therapist says it’s my pattern. i tend to put my energy into proving to someone who wont love me to love me. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy. A greater woman wouldn’t beg. Let it once be me, who do I have to speak to about if they can redo the prophecy? I howl like a wolf to the moon. I look for signs, I look for feathers on my path, I look for pink butterflies, I look for flat caps in crowds, I look for 6 foot men with that blond beard. I haven’t felt this. I’ve never felt this? it’s the pain of leaving the path I thought that was once for me. And maybe it was. Maybe it was the path I’ve carved into stone by tears throughout my life. is that why it feels hard as stone to get through the night? Is granite porous? can I use the lightning in my finger tips to charge me forward? who do I have to speak to about if they can change the prophecy?

this hurts and I don’t know where I am and I know only the past but that room is dark and cold and lonely. Where is the light that im supposedly going towards? if im the women of the moon, where is my sun to lead me? Who can give me the space and hold me tight? Who gives me the ultimate space yet grounds me? Does my sphere of many faces scare men? I need the stability of grounding, consistency, to stand beside another without being leashed. I am the moon, phasing, changing every night, yet I come back as I am in whatever shape I am, following the sun who shows up anyway. Who lights the world and warms the tides while I sway with them, move them, shake them, and crash them into rocks, destroys, consumes men in my wake. Then the sun lights the sky and brings refuge.

where is my sun? My sun will come after the darkness. I am phasing. And she does this with grace, with howling wolves and candle sticks. With smoke, bare breasts and tears. I’ll be the shore under the moon and I’ll be.

my sun will come again. And I will phase im sure again.

[ask-the-party-god]

'i cannot give anymore' "what?" 'i cannot give anymore. fuck. but my whole personalitys built around kindness and if i cant give then im what? stuck.' "so lets work this out, whats wrong with your heart?" 'it wont come out no it wont even start' "and then moving on whats wrong with your brain" 'it yearns for the past but it wont be the same' "well its clear to see youve got a disease" 'well whats the disease' "well its called empathy" (part 1 of 2)

"it means youll give blood till theres none left to bleed" 'but i do not want to be kind!' "what?" 'i only want to survive!' "no" 'this efforts exhausting its getting me nowhere and wherw does that leave me? alone.' "you do not have a choice, the honey slips into your voice" the kindness flows through your veins, that is something that cannot be changed" "caring is what fulfills you. learn to harness it before it kills you"

what is this supposed to be? :o i mean its pretty writing but, yeah... :o

[arcanarandos]

Only An Eternity. (The Arcana OS)

[Asra x apprentice]

[WC: idk]

[Asras pronouns will be he/him in this so I can keep the apprentice gender-neutral]

Asra held the hand of his dear apprentice, looking lovingly in their direction as they looked to the sky. "Asra?" He hummed in response, "if an eternity were to exist, what would you do?"

He couldn't help but raise his brow to such an unusual question, "why such the odd question? Is everything okay?"

"Oh yes, everythings fine! I'm just curious thats all." They turned to him with a reassuring smile that seemed to shine under the moonlight. The two sat for a while both pondering, "If I had an eternity, I would spend it with the ones I love. As Well I want to help people!" Asra could only chuckle their naiveté.

"You have always been one with a noble heart. I admire such about you." His face morphed to a mischievous grin. The apprentice blushed but looked away, smiling sheepishly. Asra, on the inside was smiling like a dork. As much as he wants to deny such feeling for them, it was extremely difficult. In his head, the answer to their question was there. The answer actually is sitting right beside him. He opened his mouth but words wouldn't come out.

"Asra is something wrong?" They clentched his hand slightly tighter, showing their concern. Asra just sat there, relaxing himself after seemingly panicking during his statement. "Its not like you to freeze like that, whats the matter?"

"Nothing bad, just stumbled upon my words."

"To answer my question?" Asra looked to the sky as the apprentice stared, "you look so worried." He seemed taken back at that statement. He was unaware that his expression had changed at all.

"Its just my answer may seem a bit," he paused for a moment rubbing his chin "how do I say this? Selfish, maybe." Asras eyes widen as he hears them laugh.

"The great magician Asra Alnazar being selfish! What a rare occasion, I can only wonder what it might be.~" The apprentice nudged him playfully, continuing to giggle like a child. Asra laughed awkwardly, unsure to pursue. Just the thought of saying it terrified him. "Come on now! You have to say it!" They gripped onto his arm, their eyes full of childlike wonder. Asra sighed, metaphorically pinned by them. 'Better now then never..' He thought to himself.

"Well, if I had an eternity... Id like to spend it with one person." Asra glaced over to see the apprentice with a smirk.

"Who?" The apprentice pressed on, "maybe I can help! Is it Muriel!" Asra could only laugh at how clueless they were. "You are gonna tell me right?" They pouted.

"My lord I thought you'd know by now," Asra wiped the stray tear hanging off his eyes. The apprentice looked confused. As if on cue thurder can be heard in the back ground, not soon after rain started to fall. "Well then, how unexpected. We should head back to the shop."

"But asra-" he put his finger upon their lips.

"We wouldnt want you getting sick, would we?" They nodded, Asra smiled as he took their hand. They never spoke about that question again.

Months pass and its a a cold gloomy day. Word around Versuvia is there is a sickness spreading around. Asra has no good feeling about it. "We should leave... Somewhere safer..." The apprentice turns around furiously.

"Are you serious! And leave all these people to die without helping!" They walked over to asra with fire in their eyes.

"Yes! It will be safe and we wont get caught in the plague!" Asra tried to stay calm. Clenching his fist.

"Asra! Magicians like us are needed in a time like this! I cant just leave and hear rumors of people dying here! If there a chance i can help, I will take it!!" Asra gritted his teeth, indeed he knew it was what they were going to say.

"Damn your heart of gold! You know you could die out there!" He raised his voice.

"And I am more then willing to die trying to help those in need!" They raised their voice, "if you want to leave so badly just leave alone!"

The words they said felt like knifes, prying right into his heart. Part of him wanted to stay with them, yet anger overflew through his body. His expression was cold, "gladly." His voice was bitter, monotone. He walked to the back grabbing his coat, bag, and hat. Before reaching for the door. "Faust! Lets go."

Faust went out of hiding and slowly slithered to Asra. He leaned down for her to latch to his arm. "Is friend ok?" She asked, her head looks back.

"They'll be fine.." He closed the door to the shop and walks down the nearly empty brick road. Tears rushed down his face, yet never looked back. As he reached the forest he stopped in his tracks and punched the nearest tree multiple time. Blood seeped from his hand, yet he didnt care.

"Hurt! Stop!" The small voice of his familiar as she peaked from his scarf.

"Its okay Faust, I can heal them." Asra smiled slightly as he continued walking past the forest, into the horizon.

For months, asra yearned to return. Yet he didn't, his fear of heading back stopped him. He missed the apprentice ever so dearly. Word had flew that they were working alongside doctor Julian Devorak as their assistant. He didnt know much about the doctor himself.

"See friend?" Faust tiny voice rang to Asras ear. He looked up to see Faust had wake from her nap. "Friend!" Her voice sounded panicked.

"Whats wrong Faust? Bad dream?" Asra gave faust a small part on her head.

"Friend, hurting! Hurt!" Asra raised his brow and concentrated. Feeling the magic energy of his friends. Muriel seemed fine, which wasnt a surprise. Yet his eyes widen when he could barely sense a particular energy. Seeming it was like it was going down by the minute.

"No! No no no no!" Rushing he grabbing his things, then dashing out the door. He could travel so fast. Its when he reached Versuvia he couldnt find them. He asked some familar faces, only one knew.

"They were taken to a camp.. With people gravely ill with the plague." Asras eyes widen, he couldnt believe it. He stumbled upon his word as he asked where. "Lazeret.. The island off the coast." Asra waved as he rushed to the dock. He hitched a empty boat and eagerly made his way to the island.

As he coasted and hoped out, he can already feel off of the black shored beach. He walked around, wondering where to look. Chills went up his spine as he felt a jolt of energy beneath his feet. Placing his hand against the ground tears rushed to his face. "No! It cant be!" He frantically dug into the ground, breaking out in fits of coughs as new plumes of smog fill the air. His hands bleed, his finger swollen, yet he held one thing. Screams of despair rang though to the dark sky. The longing sobs of a lost lover, crying into their burnt ash and bones. In his head rang one word 'eternity' as his brain got back in order a 'eternity' turned into 'if only we had an eternity'

'If we only had-' he suddenly dropped the ashes, standing up. Facing the ground, he looked to the boat.

"We WILL have our eternity"

[vents-things]

I cannot give anymore

What?

I cannot give anymore! But my whole personality is based around kindness and without that then im what? Stuck.

Well lets work this out. Whats wrong with your heart?

It wont come out no it wont even start.

Now moving on what's wrong with your brain?

Its yearns for the past but it wont be the same.

Its clear to see, you have a disease.

Whats the disease..?

Its called empathy. It means you'll give blood till theres none left to bleed.

I dont want to be kind.

What?!

I only wanna survive

No!

This efforts exhausting its getting me no where and where does that leave me? Alone.

But you do not have choice. The honey slips into your voice. Kindness flow through your veins. That's something that cannot be changed. Caring is what fulfills you. So learn to harness it before it kills you.