#“this is like opening the door on a trick-or-treater and blasting them with a shotgun”

[zombiesheadcanonsplease]

It’s Halloween!

So for all the trick or treaters out there, here’s some advice:

Never go to Samuel Stuhlinger’s house for candy. He’s most likely to give you a fake body part than give you a sweet treat for his sick amusement. He’s trying to be a copycat Candy Man.

If you’re brave enough, Russman will be in his rocking chair on the porch with a full basket of candy in his lap. Ignore the look on his face and the shotgun propped beside him and he may give you a generous amount. Be kind and wait your turn if you go with a group of friends. He’s the ‘Strange Man in the Old House’ cliche.

Misty’s the person to go to for big bags of chocolates and cans of soda. Don’t look too long at her suggestive costume and you won’t get chased off her property for looking at her in a strange way. She’s dressed as a cat.

If you’re looking for something to wash down the sweets or you’ve been walking for a while and you’re feeling thirsty, Marlton Johnson will be handing out bottles of water, maps of the best trick-or-treat locations in town, and he’s making some low-fat brownies with peanuts. I suggest you stay clear from the brownies, they’re always burnt. He does pull off a good Robin costume. (Props if you know why that is.)

Looking for the best scares, head on over to Billy Handsome’s house. He spent the last few months to make and hide jumpscares, handcraft his decorations of jack-o-lanterns and scarecrows, and authentically make some bloody bodies littered on his yard as you make your way to his doorstep. Make sure you’re looking everywhere at all times because he’s gonna get one good scare out of you by jumping out and tackling you. If you survive all that, he’ll dump a handful of candy in your bag. He’ll tell you to run; take his advice. He’s dressed as himself.

Finn O’Leary won’t be celebrating the holiday so it’s best to stay away from his house. He’s trying to get some sleep and will leave a warning sign on his yard of what he’ll do if some poor soul rings his doorbell at all tonight. The only kid that did this one time had to give their candy away to him because that’s the one thing that would make him stop chasing after them.

Salvatore DeLuca won’t be celebrating either. He’s got better things to do with his life. If you have the time and supplies, throw toilet paper at his house. That’s it, he’ll hunt whoever does something else besides that.

Albert Arlington will greet you with a small smile and ask if you want cookies or brownies, he’ll give each trick-or-treater two cookies or brownies. Compliment him on his paper mache owls, ghosts, and bats on his porch and he’ll give you a bit more. Be honest, he’ll know if you’re lying. He’ll be dressed as his original superhero, Icarus, so don’t be frightened by the large yellow wig and the red latex suit.

Be patient with Nero Blackstone when you get to his house or avoid his house. He’ll ask if you want to see a magic trick and he’ll attempt to pull a piece of candy from your ear. It won’t work the first few times and if it continues to not, he’ll give up and ask if you want the whole basket of candy. THIS IS A TRICK! Answer yes and he’ll throw you the one candy he tried to fool you with. He’ll take the basket with him and slam the door, calling it a night. He’ll be dressed as his idol, Harry Houdini.

Jessica Rose won’t be participating so avoid her house. If you disturb or try to prank her while she’s trying to watch a movie with the candy she was going to give out, she will come out. The fact she’s chasing you won’t scare you, it’s the green facial mask she has on will give you every reason to run faster.

Floyd Campbell won’t be offering candy, but if you’re getting hungry for some real food, stop by his place because he’s in his yard with his grill. He’s giving out free burgers, hotdogs, and shish kabobs for anyone between the hours of 5-9. He’ll be dressed in his boxing outfit with an apron that says, “Work Hard, Play Harder” over it.

Jack Vincent will be working late so go all out on his house and take the basket of candy on his porch (he won’t do much unless you get caught on his surveillance cameras which you won’t ever know where they are).

Takeo, surprisingly, will be participating so remember if you were good to him earlier this year and then go to his house for sweets and homemade goods. He knows if you were good or bad to him, so don’t try to lie. He’ll be dressed in casual clothing.

Nikolai will not be participating, but he will leave a basket of candy for anyone. Make sure you only take one piece and walk away. He may be in his home, but that doesn’t mean he’s asleep. Just don’t look at the far right window on the top floor and you’ll be fine.

Edward Richtofen will be giving away the authentic candies from his home and other surrounding countries. Looking for better chocolates from Switzerland or curious to try bon bond from France? I highly recommend his house! Not to mention, he does have a flare for Halloween/Fall aesthetics so you’ll have something to admire and take pictures of. He’ll be dressed as Gandalf so compliment his outfit because he needs to be sure that it looks good.

At the end of the night, head on over to Tank Dempsey’s house for the best Halloween party. He goes all out on decorations, candy, food, music, and scares during this holiday. Everyone’s invited and for anyone thinking that open invites are a death wish, don’t worry, because there’s top security when Dempsey can’t be around to monitor. Ignore the security and you’ll have a blast and walk away with another full bag of candy, courtesy of the man who loves Halloween more than anyone. He’ll be dressed as Master Chief and he spent all of last year getting it right so give the man props. 

Another thing to remember, Dr. Monty and the Shadowman will be watching you from their porch, eating the Halloween candy and drinking wine. Do not stare at them for too long and don’t think about approaching them. They won’t chase you, but they’ll do something later on down the road in your life. Don’t say I didn’t warn you, the last kid was sorry... 

Happy Halloween! Have fun and be safe. <3