#“ok so you dont want the consent of my partner and also you are terrible you hurt my favourite chracter and i hate you please fuck off ”

[box-dwelling]

This is actually a really really good point and one I hadn't thought about. I honestly hadn't until today thought about his eye as being something Mizora can watch through, mostly because in games it's called a sending stone and having played dnd with sending stones and found them to be way underpowered I just kinda passed it off as "oh its an item that let's him and mizora say 25 words to each other once per day and can do literally nothing else" but not I think about it I do think game canon makes it have abilities for mizora to look through. I just missed that. But yeah another very valid reason. I also would not want her watching

I understand why this is a misconception people have but I think we need to recognise that Wyll is not a wait until marriage guy. Wyll is canonically a wait until probably too quick engagement guy. And those are two very different things.

[kiefbowl]

(CSA tw) I want to ask a q about your recent discussions of paedophilia and I mean this totally respectfully and openly. Is it true that paedophiles arent actually attracted to kids? And its entirely opportunistic? I dont disagree, I am just confused cos this is a totally new concept to me, I only ever heard ppl say that some ppl are just born attracted to kids. Obvs thats disgusting. Is that incorrect/lies? And have you got any further reading on thisI could look into? Thank you for your time.

Sorry I’m just seeing this now, but I think this is important to answer. I am going to talk about sex and rape. Yes, I think pedophiles are opportunistic abusive men. I do not think they are “sexually attracted” to children. I think many pedophiles believe they are, and I think quite a number of people now believe it’s tied up in sexual orientation, but I think those are muddled, false notions that obscure the fact that an adult sexualizing and taking sexual action with a child is always committing rape. There are so many ways to debunk the myth of the “minor attracted person” I hardly know where to begin. One very important thing to remember is that there are plenty of pedophiles who continue to have “normal” sexual relationships with adults. How many stories have we heard of fathers molesting their children while married to their mothers? How many women start dating boyfriends only to have that boyfriend abuse their child? How many people are shocked by the family man who’s a principal, preacher, football coach, of their community being exposed to sexually abusing children when they seemed so “normal” and have wives and kids themselves? These men continue to move through life in “normal” ways (and I will add a caveat here since no one can seem to read through the lines, yes women have sexually abused children. It is RAPE to sexually abuse a child as an adult woman. I have no love for women who do that. OK, back to men, the 99% of offenders).

Sexuality is a biological FUNCTION. It exists so that species can procreate. However, sexuality also exists as a basis for our pleasure and romantic interactions when speaking of humans. That’s where sexualy orientation comes in, and why you can be straight (opposite sex attracted), bisexaul (both sex attracted), or gay (same sex attracted). Also, yes I believe asexualiy, as in having no attraction (romantic and sexual) is possible and probably exists in small numbers. So there you go, sexuality is based on how adults want to fuck and love other adults, because there’s some need in us to want to partner and create more community. Child sexuality is more of a precursor to adult sexuality. Children have romantic urges, and throughout puberty begin to develop sexual urges, but there is a wide scope in which sexuality falls under. Teenagers wanting to kiss and date is not proof that “all teens have sex” which is another myth that just blows my mind. 

So where on earth does an adult being sexualy attracted to children fall into that basic simple biological urge? WHAT attracts adults to children? Is it at all comparable to how adults are attracted to other adults? 

The “what” that attracts adults to children is rape. The desire for them is the rape. Rapists 1) like to rape 2) want to rape. The lack of consent, the abuse, the pain, the grooming, the lies, the force, the power is the point of rape. Rape is not “accidental” or “grey” sex. Rape is using your body as a weapon, making sexuality violent. So pedophiles who are “attracted” to children are actually attracted to rape. Because they are rapists. And rape is not a sexuality. Children cannot consent. Many people who are “tolerant” of pedophilia will bend over backwards trying to argue how children might be able to, or can consent, or have free will or whatever bullshit. But the truth is no child can ask for the sexaul acts of adults without being given the idea, and that idea comes from grooming. No child can consent to, for example, fellatio because most children aren’t aware of what that is. And children don’t usually find the act appealing when learning. They have to be told that adults do it, that pleasure can come from it, that it can be a loving action. And they are usually told this by rapist adults looking to rape them. Because the rapist knows it’s rape and knows that the child will believe them. The adult is aware of his higher understanding, and he knows the child knows nothing compared to him. And he likes that because that means he can commit rape, which he wants to do. That’s what makes him a rapist. 

People who claim to be “non-offending maps” or whatever the fuck reveal the truth of this by claiming to be non-offending to begin with. Like, if it was just a disorder, just an illness, why would you need to try to be non-offending? How disgusting that is to say to CSA survivors and the mentally ill. How terrible it is to set up a defense for these men. I was non-offending but then the illness got me and I offended, it wasn’t me it was my illness, I just couldn’t help it. OH WELL THEN. They are minor attracted but then “don’t offend,” so then what makes them minor attracted? Are you admitting to fantasizing about raping children? And I’m supposed to believe that’s fine? I would never touch a child, but I will masturbate to the thought of violating one and then leave the house and exist in the world? FUCK THEM. They don’t accidentally offend, and they don’t not offend.

So, why do they exist? They exist because of male supremacy. Like any rape, they are exerting the power they have to rape. Children suffer under patriarchy and industrialization. They are things to own, status bringers, future soldiers and laborers. The father is the head of the household and can do whatever he wants. Children and women are at the mercy of men. So what do men do, to celebrate and keep it that way? They rape them. That’s why rape exists. 

Is misogyny a disorder? Is marital rape a sexuality? NOPE. 

Rapist want to rape. Pedophiles are rapists who want to rape children. Any attraction they feel is the attraction to power they have over children because of the supremacy they live in. And that’s that.

[infiniteglitterfall]

this post is a solid 8 years old, but I just came across it in a search for info on people's concerns with the concept of enthusiastic consent, and I kind of love it.

[arplis]

Arplis - News: He’s Tired of One Night Stands. How Does He Start Finding Relationships?

— Dear Dr. NerdLove:

3 and a half years ago, I used to suck at relationships. I was not the nicest person to be around, being selfish, entitled, needy… the whole package. My relationships, if any, never lasted more than 3 months and almost always ended up in the other person ghosting me, and since I apparently never got the message, breaking up in the worst terms possible. So I got coaching. Yes, this did terrible things to my life, but that’s another topic.

Anyway. after this coaching thing was over I met who I then thought was the perfect woman. She made me want to feel better, she was always fun to hang with, I never was tired when she was around, she had a crazy sex drive (which meant we almost never slept), she got me into art and movies, she wasn’t afraid of calling me sexy and hot, something that had never happened to me before… it was a wonderful year.

But then things changed for both of us. She started her own business and I was jobless, so seeing each other was hard. I had no reliable source of income, so I couldn’t afford the 2-and-a-half hours ride to her place that often, and she suddenly had way less time for me since she had to devote everything to other things. She ended things up, seeing how it was complicated to make it work.

And I fell hard.

I had to go to therapy. I cried many nights. I gained a lot of weight. I sabotaged a couple of relationships after her, just because they weren’t her.

Eventually, things got a bit better. I now know that what I longed for (still do, sometimes) was the “her” of that time, that was so compatible with the “me” back then. And we’re not the same persons we were.

But since being lonely after getting used to having sex almost everywhere, every day, is not a nice feeling, I somehow got good at the “one night stands” game. It’s not hard for me to get someone to spend the night with, but it always ends there. No second dates, no “stay for breakfast”… nothing. And I’m beginning to fear that I’m too afraid to open up again, just because nobody can measure up to the one relationship I had that did not suck. So, is there anything I can do? Am I past the point of no return? In other words, how do I get a relationship?

Thanks in advance.

Stray Cat Strut

There are a couple things to think about here, SCS.

The first is that you’re creating an artificial divide between one-night stands and potential relationships. I can’t count the number of people I know — both in my personal life and clients that I’ve worked with — who’s long-term relationships started off as one-night stands that just… didn’t end, really. The skills that help you find someone who is interested in a casual hook-up are the same skills that help you find someone who wants things that are more committed and more long-term. The only real difference is in how you apply them.

In fact, as odd as it may sound, the bigger issue people have is keeping things casual; more people try to create and maintain a casual, no-strings attached relationship and find themselves catching feelings by mistake.

So it’s not as though you can’t make the leap, if that’s what you want.

On a purely skill-based, mechanical level, making the transition from “casual” to “committed” depends on the expectations you set and the way you behave with your partners. One of the reasons why one-night stands tend to stay one-night stands is because the people involved aren’t that invested in the person they’re sleeping with. It’s less about connecting with a person and more about getting their rocks off, which means that they come to it treating the other person like a human-shaped masturbation toy. Focusing on connecting, treating your partner like a person with needs and desires from the get-go and getting to know them on more than a “let’s make squishy-noises” level all help make the leap from “Ok this was nice now get out” to “You know, I might like to see you again.”

Problem is, more people tend to just get off, wipe their metaphorical dick on the curtains and head out the door before the sweat’s started to dry. Small wonder a lot of folks either don’t like one-night stands or aren’t interested in seeing the other person again.

But I think the bigger issue for you is who you’re pursuing. I’m wondering if you’re actually interested in the people you’re sleeping with for more than just sex. It sounds to me like you’re not actively looking for someone who might be as awesome as your ex; you may have decided there’s no point, so why bother trying. And that could be equal parts Oneitis and feeling like you don’t deserve someone as good.

And if I’m being perfectly honest, I’m wondering if all those one-night stands are part of why you feel like you couldn’t find someone like her again. That you’re “not good enough” to date, so you only let yourself look for quickies instead… and since you’re the sort of person who only gets one-night stands, you’re not “worthy” of getting a “real” relationship.

Here’s the thing: I’ve been where you are. There was a point where I thought I had the perfect girlfriend, the perfect job and the perfect life. And then in short order, I got fired from the perfect job and dumped by my perfect girlfriend. And while it sucked worse than anything had sucked before… when I gave myself time to heal and recover and get some perspective, I realized just how wrong I was. The job wasn’t actually right for me — it was what I thought I wanted, but not something I actually enjoyed or found fulfilling. My “perfect” girlfriend was a great person — and we’re still friends today — but the relationship wasn’t one that actually met my needs; in fact, I was always terrified about it all falling apart. I wasn’t in the right place to be dating at all, never mind her.

With time, experience and distance, not only was I able to come to terms with all of this, but I started getting to know myself better. And despite losing all those “perfect” parts of my life… I was able to find a new career and new relationships that were actually right for me.

But a lot of it involved my being willing to forgive myself for “losing” all of that.

I think that’s what you need more than anything else. You need to forgive yourself for not being able to hold onto that “perfect” relationship, for the mess you found yourself in afterwards and the strings of hook-ups you’ve had since. Your relationship with your ex didn’t fail; it simply reached it’s natural end-point and you had to move on to the next stage of your story. And while she was amazing and you had some great times… there are many, many women out there who are just as amazing, and who are right for who you are now.

The key is that you have to be willing to give yourself permission to find them.

You don’t need to change up your game, as it were; you just need to start changing how you play it. You have the skills to find your next adventure; you just have to apply them differently. Instead of looking for folks who are just up for sex that night, prioritize meeting people who are just awesome. People who yeah, may be down to bang… but people you’d want to see again. And when you do find them… focus on connecting and commonalities more than the sex. The more you can build that sense of connection, the more likely it’ll be that hooking up that night will lead to breakfast the next day… and then dinner the following night.

You’ll find someone just as great as your ex. You just have to let yourself be open to it.

Good luck.

Hey Doc, I just wanted to reach out to you for some advice, I have never had any luck with women and at 25 I’m still a virgin not that it matters because it just means I haven’t had that experience. I have zero self confidence around women whatsoever, I have never fit in and have been bullied most of my life. I have always been the socially awkward, quiet, shy and weird guy, I have just recent been able to start making friends in college. I am really worried that I will say the wrong thing and appear creepy to women or I get consent and they regret being with me later and my ability to practice in my potential career will be ruined. There is a girl that I work with that is five years younger than me that I have feelings for but I won’t act on because I don’t want to make things awkward or uncomfortable. I also think she is way out of my league as she is funny, intelligent and really cute where as I’m weird, awkward, goofy, slightly below average looking and not the sharpest tool in the shed. This girl teases me all the time and work and makes me laugh but, I think just does it to make fun of me, I asked her why she did it over text and if it was because I’m and easy target and her response was “Could be 😉” “but I dont make fun of you!!”. This coworker has also randomly messaged me Love Yoouuuu out of the blue and randomly referred to me as “babe” at work when I asked her if it was a slip of the tongue and she said no. This behavior confuses me maybe I should just avoid her entirely if possible. The other thing that I fear is affecting me is being ginger, I don’t think most women like or even prefer ginger guys, gingers are popular with men not women. I also feel like I have to have a rhinoplasty to correct my crooked nose and braces in order to be even average looking to women. How would you gain confidence and get over someone who you shouldn’t have feelings for? Weird Awkward Nerd

Ok so this is one giant tangled knot of misconceptions, WAN. But I think rather than trying to pick things apart, we’re just gonna take the Alexander approach and cut straight through it. First things first WAN, let me help you put this fear to bed: nobody is out there consenting to sex, then deciding they didn’t like it and using that as a vehicle for destroying somebody’s life. The myth of “regret=rape” is bullshit being spread by folks who think concepts like “enthusiastic consent” give too much power to women to say “no”. Similarly, saying the wrong thing isn’t going to be the end of the world. Creepiness isn’t a one-off event, nor is it about looks; it’s a series of behaviors and attitudes that make people feel unsafe. Basic consideration and social calibration goes a long, long way towards avoiding being a creeper. Most of what you need to do is simply relax and be mindful of other people’s comfort. By the same token: there are no such things as leagues; there are people who are into you, and people who aren’t. If someone’s attracted to you and wants to date you, then by definition, you’re in their league… even if they’re a princess and you’re a cave troll. But at the same time: dude, where in pluperfect fuckery did you get the idea that women don’t like gingers? I mean, this is easy to dismiss by looking at the number of girls who went apeshit for Ron and George Weasely in the Harry Potter movies, or the women who get the screaming thigh-sweats for Eddy Sheeran. Or, for that matter, the fans of Michael Fassbender, Paul Bettany, Domnhall Gleeson, Robert Redford… I mean, I could go on.

(Also, dude. *I’m* a ginger and I can tell you from experience: that’s never been a problem for me.)

Your biggest issue is that you’ve convinced yourself that you’re unattractive and you’ve worked backwards from there. And look, if I had a nickel for everyone who’s written in convinced that they’re Phantom of the Opera level deformed and was actually perfectly average AT WORST, then Elon Musk and I would be having giant mecha fights off the coast of San Jose. Here’s the thing: 90% of being attractive is about presentation, not bone structure or physical features. All you have to do to see this is to do a search for “celebrities without makeup” or “instagram vs. reality” to see just how much conventional attractiveness is about how you present yourself. Shit, watch some episodes of Queer Eye and see just how transformative a change of clothes and a hair cut can be. You don’t need a nosejob to be attractive; you need to make changes to how you present yourself. People spend luxury-car amounts of money on plastic surgery and are still miserable. Getting a good hair cut and wearing clothes that fit and look good on you will do far more for making you feel like a sexy bad-ass.

All of these doubts and self-limiting beliefs are just retroactively justifying what you already believe. It’s confirmation bias in action; you ignore any signs that people might think you’re cute as “that doesn’t count”, while you double and triple down on anything that goes along with your belief that you’re an unfuckable troll. Which actually brings us to your friend at work. I think you’re radically misinterpreting what she’s doing and why. Yes, she’s teasing you… but teasing isn’t inherently malicious. In fact, a lot of people will use teasing as a form of flirting; they’re showing interest in a gently playful way. I strongly suspect that this is coming from a place of affection. Part of the fun is how flustered or worked up you get; I’m willing to bet that if someone asked her why she likes to nudge at you like this, she’d tell them that it’s because your reactions are cute. Because, straight talk: women don’t call folks “babe” or tease folks the way your coworker is teasing you if they don’t like them. This isn’t necessarily a sign that she’d like to date you… but it’s a damn sight closer to that than the idea that she’s taunting you or being cruel. The problem is that you don’t want to believe that someone you think of as attractive could like you.

If you were to start teasing her back, the way she teases you? Not only do I think she’d love it, I think you’d find the two of you would really connect. I can’t say that you’d start dating… but you sure as hell would have a much better time at work and make a very good friend. And that might lead to something new and amazing. But to do that, you have to start by accepting that hey, people think you’re cute, fun and like you. Because hey: they clearly do. You’ve got far more going for you than you realize, WAN; you just won’t let yourself believe it. Take some time to make some changes to how you dress and style yourself, let those changes sink in and make you feel awesome and open yourself up to your own potential. I think you’ll surprise yourself in just how much you’re capable of if you give yourself a chance. Good luck.

—

Previously published on doctornerdlove.com and is republished here under permission. —

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Arplis - News source https://arplis.com/blogs/news/he-s-tired-of-one-night-stands-how-does-he-start-finding-relationships

[brokendownbrown]

Regret the day I discovered alcohol as self-liberation, cuz really it was a prison.

there's so much to be said about the nature of the beast that shuts down your brain in  sequential order, that  renders consent impossible and  makes so many bad things happen to your body. there's  so much to be said for the pressures we face growing up that are unrealistic to meet. the internalized stigma around our bodies and the weird pressure that creates within as we internalize the violence that caused us the  harm in our childhood and we  continue to injure ourselves in  adolescence. 

to think that sex wasn't for me, that I was an alien, to think that there was something fundamentally wrong with me. for me not to be able to understand what that fundamental thing was, to not be able to get what was happening with me. its a cruel thing to have a child immigrate and then encourage them not to take advantage of resources that are available in the community. to be raised in a world where America wasn't form me and to be given friends who at least on surface cared about me, and showed me an incredible 17th birthday, at least I thought, but I'm so conflicted because it was so chock full of substances, the same substances that took vivek's life at 24. in college where I was constantly feeling like a monster. a layover from high school where I never went to parties and even if I was invited would always feel left out. I think people didn't want to challenge my visible orthodoxy even if it was begging for it. I was screaming for saving and no-one felt obliged. and so I kinda waifed out of school, just amid w weed smoke and beer cans, and loop pedals, and isolation. there I wrote the beginnings of what would become the discography of my life of which most seems lost. but still you start over, and over. eventually you get to a point where you've collected enough that you don't necessarily find yourself going through old archives that you made because the life you lived at the time was just too harmful to recollect. [pause] I understand that when my brain was off and I was trying to battle my demons I was in the company of people who were chasing the dragon but not necessarily for the reasons that I was. its a difficult matter to try to navigate and I really just need to continue to be honest, like my friends suggest. I think there's nooks and crannies in my mind that need to be explored yet and my friends demand better from me. so that's what I'll do. [pause] I guess I'm left with the harm that this person experienced, and I have to give them space to express that. if I don't then I'm not like doing my part, or following my friends advice, and really thats all I have in this stage. why would my friends offer advice if I wasn't going to follow it. [pause] This is a part of my being that is hard to access. I guess tears are coming out and I don't want people who've experienced harm to be lying in my wake. its a difficult matter to navigate but I'm getting good advice and I'd do well to follow it. [pause] I wish I didn't have this sense of romance when it came to drinking, like this james Bond-esque super-hero in a suit in the 70's with guns and explosions and girls. why is this like fueling my romance of what it is to drink. well dressed chavs with smarmy charismatic sneers pasted on their faces with wild eyes and hair blowing in the wind, and a cold glow about them. a sense of danger and freedom. a stubbly chin and immaculate fingernails and dapper dress interpreted through chav aesthetic. [pause] all of this and more seems to run through mind, like the whimsical joy of carrying a beer on the train in the UK and being OK. the freedom and sexiness of it all. but in reality I think about how unsexy being too drunk is. how terrible it can feel to be weighed down by whisky, to have the shades drawn mentally and medically have parts of your brain literally de-activting as per the want of alcohol to manifest. [pause] this grandiose life that wasn't for me, as an immigrant, and a kid with a super religious family, who'd never approve of partying. the knowledge of doing exactly what you weren't supposed to be doing was its own reward, a stab back at the family that would constantly torture you all day with all sorts of clothing potions that you'd never wear, all kinds of smarmy remarks about your body, asking you to weigh yourself on the scales, asking you to change your posture, asking you to change your diet. this always would fuck with me and contribute to a sense of two terrible things. [pause] me and my pal vivek would pain the town red and it was grand, like all the visions of radness that had plagued my pre-teen visions of awesome were manifesting at the age of 19. I was the badass id always dreamed to be, and it nearly killed me. I literally woke up in the ER. vivek, he went out in a body bag. so destructive was our dream. now I talk about liberation and its just weird to think that libation is more of a prison and this is almost a slogan but the truth is damning. damn it. I just wish that I wasn't sold this golden vision of substance abuse as a fast track to badassery. I never smoked a cigarette outside of a few chance parties, and hated it every time. weed never stuck. neither did any other drug. it was always alcohol for me. this weird like, sexification of a substance that was in all likelihood a turnoff the whole time. [pause] and now I guess I have a conversation pending with a person whose experienced harm due to drinking and thats going to be a day of reckoning for sure. I'm being given the harsh truth of things and id expect nothing less from my friends and partners. it is what it is, its nothing to sneeze at and I need to step my game here. I need to center their concerns. they need to know that I hear them. [pause] I grew up around bro's. like I was a chav growing up, also a grammar school kid, over in the UK. a northerner, a manc, a blackburnian, a Lancastrian. we'd wear our uniforms and say our prayers. and thats part of a tradition of schools of that nature going back hundreds of years. it was an old world thing. we were raised to love soccer. that was just the way of it. there were no bones about it, you were there, you were playing the game, you loved the game. it was also a city phenomenon, the blackburn rovers, a team that used to be badass when I was a kid but now don't even qualify for the main league. [pause] soccer was a way for me to continue a part of my culture as an immigrant who otherwise had no place to practice my accent, or any other trapping of my britishness. and then white adult comedians have the audacity to come to me and mock the state of my ability to express my internalized and still remembered Britishness as a sign of my ... [pause] its a lot to delve into. its super painful for me to talk about the way I was harmed by midwest public space to the degree that I had to self censure my own accent in order to find any escape from the harm that was being visited upon me daily by taking up space as a british, identifiably british person with religious garb of a faith they misidentified daily, another thing that I ended up leaving behind to step away from the harm coming my way. [pause] sometimes I wonder where does it end, like this weird tapestry of harm that I've internalized, the pain and the trauma, I go through my narrative and my head spins, and its hard for me to ground myself. but still, here I am all the same. [pause] what can anyone do anyway, given the world. I think about my gender and how thats buried in there somewhere, how I'm an immigrant and how thats kinda elusive for me to understand, how like... so many things. like the difficulty I have with mascara, and the few times I've worn a dress, how they've turned into jokes amongst friends. [pause] my body is a problem for me as I... like... you know, am not necessarily drawn to the standard male stuff with regards to fashion despite my swarthy appearance, and in saying that I feel like its racist to use those words. but I've spoken so few times about all this I have a lot of blunderousness in vocab to overcome. my family used to shame my body, my clothing choice, my posture, my body shape, despite being for many years the sole source of all nutrition for me. straight from my mothers kitchen to my stomach, to my body, to their eyes, their lips, and to my shame, the pain, the harm, the trauma. [pause] and I think about the boy from daycare, when I was a pre-teen, I think about the contact we made, their hand on my cheek, the electricity I felt. I think about my old neighbor, how we were close, very close, and how I missed that, and maybe they never felt the same, and maybe thats why they avoided me in years since. there have always been boys, although I'm not running after every boy I see. I have a type, and when it strikes me, it does. [pause] I'm about to do something really difficult and crazy, and I think it might work, but I am not going to pretend like I have everything figured out, I dont. I'll suck before I do better. [pause] but before all that I need to have this conversation with this person whose experienced harm. it was a surprise, a horrible one, but I have reached out and let them know I'm down to speak, and they seem down too. who knows what the right move is from there. but its important to recognize the harm that went down. and I don't know whats going to happen but it needs to and thats the main thing. on the phone he [their friend] told me to center their trauma over my ego. I'm already there trust me. but sure, feel free to say so. [pause] callouts and callins are triggering to me especially when they occur in this city because they've in my experience been used to fuel racist agendas that never get addressed, because of the power dynamics at play. but in this case I feel like maybe I can go through this process without being too worried about that.