#“normal people don’t work like that and im too intense and insane and abnormal”

[athymelyreply]

Mm. It’s a trauma feels night. Sorry, this is gonna be a vent post. Don’t feel obligated to read.

[babydollsmadd]

hey what's up it's me, just passing through your askbox to be super nosy and send u these for the madd ask meme: 2, 7, 17, 21, 22, 25, 40 they're a lot and probably the most invasive??? im so sorry, feel free to ignore the ones you dont wanna answer tbh 😅

You can be as nosy as you want lmao, I love doing these!! It’ll probably be super long tho so apologies for that. To make this a little easier, I’ll exclude my parame from this (also for personal reasons) and only talk about my two main paras: Zazie & Tatsu.

ENJOY MY RAMBLING 💀

2. Do your daydreams get violent? How do you feel about them? How do you respond to them?

Violence is like, one of the most common themes in my daydreams. It ranges from the occasional fight or accident to actual murder and abuse. Mostly abuse tho. This sounds bad, but after so many years of constantly having such violent daydreams, I’ve become kinda numb to it. In a fucked up way, it gives me comfort. Because in some fucked up way, I chose this. Being hella masochistic and broken and dependent on Zazie, my parame doesn’t actually realize what’s happening to her is bad and absolutely not normal. She just goes with it. She doesn’t know better. She enjoys it, to a certain degree. I’m not sure what a “””normal””” person would think of this, I just don’t know how weird it seems to others, but to me, it doesn’t actually seem abnormal to have such thoughts. It’s just how it is, I just happen to have a violent mind.

7. How do you feel about your characters/paras? Have you ever fallen in love with them?

I wish there was another word for it. Saying “I love them” feels like such an understatement. Zazie & Tatsu mean everything to me. And I know how bad this sounds, considering I actually have a boyfriend of almost 3 years (which seems to be a rarity for people with MaDD). Now, don’t get me wrong - I do love my boyfriend. I live with him and he helps me so much with everything and he’s just a great person overall. It’s just that I feel a lot different about my paras. It’s not a matter of “being in love” with them or something, it’s that they’ve been with me through everything that has happened. It’s on another level, something that goes far beyond what happens between people. People can’t see what’s going on inside my head, I can choose what part of my mind I’m showing them, they’re their own people, they can disappear at any moment. They’re temporary. My paras, are not. Throughout all my life, they’ll be with me, no matter what happens. They cannot leave me because they literally live inside my head. So yes, I do love them, but not like someone who loves another person.

17. Do your paras have tragic backstories? Will you share a few?

Achievement unlocked: The Tragic Backstory ™No but seriously, not one of my paras has had a normal or easy life. It’s always tragic and complicated, some more, some less. It also slightly changes depending on the story I’m doing. Since listing them all would just be too much, lemme tell you a little about Zazie, my favorite dickhead. His parents didn’t want him. In their eyes, he was just a nuisance to them. So they abused him. From the moment he was born, they neglected him, hit him, yelled at him and not once gave him the love and attention he needed. He was still quite young when he was taken away from them and taken in by a new family. He never understood why this super rich couple adopted him, but as long he did as he was told, they gave him everything he wanted. When he got into his teenage years, he learned that they’d do literally anything to keep him from misbehaving. So whenever they wanted him to be quiet or polite or whatever, he’d manipulate them into giving in to him. He grew up into a horrible human, always manipulating people, getting into fights and generally just being pretty rude. He started taking drugs, smoking, drinking and sleeping around a lot. The only reason he hasn’t gone completely insane is Tatsu, his best friend. Tatsu has his own problems as well, but is far more stable compared to Zazie. He doesn’t want to admit it, but losing his best friend is like his greatest fear - so sometimes he does some questionable things to make sure Tatsu doesn’t leave. Zazie is incredibly smart, he knows exactly what he’s doing and what consequences his actions have. He just chooses to ignore them because, well, he doesn’t care much about other people or the world. He’s a sadistic, narcissistic asshole and I love him, alright.

21. Have your characters commit crime? Have they been to jail? Are they legally innocent? Are they socially innocent?

I mean……. if you consider theft, murder, drug dealing and assassination a crime…… then yes lmao. They’ve done some pretty fucked up shit, and have definitely been questioned and followed by police and others, but they never actually have been to jail. I’m just not very interested in that. They would absolutely not be legally or socially innocent. You just don’t have enough proof to lock them away. 🙃

22. Do your paras often find themselves in dangerous situations? How/why? Do they go looking for trouble? Does trouble look for them?

Yes. All the time. Mainly Zazie. He gets in a lot of trouble, constantly, be it his own fault or because of someone else. He loves danger. It makes him feel alive. That’s why he’s always living life on the edge, it gives him a rush and he’s addicted to it. He loves driving too fast, taking drugs that give him that feeling, stealing things, getting into fights - whatever makes him feel good. Tatsu doesn’t necessarily go out looking for trouble, but always ends up in it because of his best friend. He doesn’t mind tho, he gets the same exciting rush from it. They especially love racing, and often fight over which one they’re gonna take - supercar or motorbike. They absolutely love racing through the city and on the highway, the more dangerous, the better. Bonus points if they have to escape from police. Being such a damn good driver, Zazie wins most of the time. 🚨

25. Has a para ever made you physically cry?

Heck yeah. Wait that shouldn’t be something good… ANYway, I’m hella emotional and even just start tearing up when I don’t get my favorite ice cream or something ridiculous like that. Now imagine me killing off a para or Zazie abusing someone again or taking too many drugs and completely losing it. Daydreaming is really intense for me, so I often just start crying (or laughing), I make weird faces and all that shit. Crying doesn’t necessarily mean I’m sad, it simply means I’m feeling too much of an emotion in that moment. I don’t really show negative emotions irl (except for frustration), I have trouble showing happiness, so I try to keep things in check and preferably far away from me. When I daydream, I can let go of that, and then I just happen to cry a lot. 🌊

40. Do you do research for your daydreams? How much? How often? How deep?

I do a lot of research, actually! It really depends on the story, but I mostly look up cities and street systems, buildings and interior. I pick what I like and what fits, and so create my own cities and maps. It goes pretty in depth, to a point where I know exactly where things stand and what objects are in the rooms, even if it’s a piece of glass that’s behind a closet somewhere. When my story involves anything that I don’t have knowledge of, I research it as well. That can be super/hypercars, certain industries like music or YouTube, how the mafia works, foods from around the world, disorders and illnesses - I’ll just research whatever I need for my story or world.

Whew!! That was long, but not as long as expected. Kinda proud of myself for not rambling on about random details too much. Thank you so much for asking! And again, feel free to be nosy whenever you want lmao.