#“nah it's a normal gun and it shoots normal bullets... i'm just like good at it”

[surelyimisheard]

it shoots normal bullets

[somewhat-adorkable]

Today at work a customer said "Are you having a fantastic day?"

Not "how are you?" and it gave me a moment of pause because I'm so used to "how are you?"

And that one is easy because I always just smile and say "I'm doing well! How are you?" so we can move on from the conversation and I don't have to expend any energy talking about myself and can keep the focus on them.

But no, "are you having a fantastic day?"

And obviously I could say yes and get it over with but the question made me freeze. Because no. I'm not having a fantastic day. But I can't say that because then she will ask why, and what am I supposed to say to that?

'Nah, you see, the godfather of my goddaughter decided to eat a fucking bullet in front of his girlfriend and it really shook us all up, especially her and my best friend. So I spent days staying up with them both to the point I ended up sick, and then on the third day I had to take a six hour car ride with my family while they screamed and fought constantly and I'm damned if I talk to them and damned if I don't because either way is a problem and I'm wrong. And then I had to spend three days around the extremely wealthy part of my family, which is uncomfortable enough at the best of times, but I had to pretend I wasn't completely devastated, exhausted, and heartbroken the whole time because that would have been a drag on everyone else. I'm also autistic so being out of my normal routine was extremely draining and having to mask so hard was seriously burning me out and I couldn't sleep because it was a hotel and not my house, and I spent the time I should have been at a funeral at my cousin's graduation instead and got to think about how he ate a bullet so now he will never see any of his kids milestones and how do you explain to a three year old that his dad is dead? I don't know how it feels to watch someone you love do that, but I remember standing with my hand over the muzzle of a gun and telling my friend if he wanted to kill himself then it had to shoot me too, and that resulted in me having a total mental breakdown so I can kinda imagine. They needed me to be there for them and I couldn't be because of my cousins graduation in another state which was just salt in the wound over and over. And then my family fought the whole time and fought the whole way back and it's exhausting to be around and I have an awful cough and a sinus infection but I'm at work anyway because I'm not rich like that side of my family I mean who the fuck thinks 64,000$ a year is a reasonable amount for highschool thats more than I make in a year and my friend is dead and I can't ask off work because the friend that killed himself was dating my boss's daughter and they are all back working so no I'm NOT having a fantastic day.'

In the grand scheme of things none of that matters so instead I say "I'm doing pretty darn good! How are you? How are the kids?"

And the world keeps spinning because your life goes on even when someone else's doesn't.

And the worst part of getting old is that some of the people that you love don't.

And I'm doing well, because that's what you're supposed to say.

[weidli]

DEAN: (looking around, crouching and holding his hand out) There's a door here. SAM: (pointing his gun at DEAN.) Dean. (A trickle of blood runs from his nose) Step back from the door.

^ the part of the scene where dean hasn't realized what's happening yet

DEAN: (rising to his feet, his eyes going from the gun to SAM's face) Sam, put the gun down. SAM: Is that an order? DEAN: Nah, it's more of a friendly request. SAM: (raising his gun to point at DEAN's chest) ’Cause I'm getting pretty tired of taking your orders. DEAN: I knew it. Ellicott did something to you. SAM: For once in your life, just shut your mouth. DEAN: What are you gonna do, Sam? Gun's filled with rock salt. It's not gonna kill me. (SAM shoots DEAN in the chest. The shot blasts him backwards through the hidden door to fall on the floor.) SAM: No. But it will hurt like hell.

^ the part where dean has realized what happened to sam and where it's made clear that the anger ellicott intensifies is anger at him and sam is perfectly willing to hurt him about it

(DEAN lies on the floor, coming to and gasping for breath.) DEAN: Sam! (SAM is standing over him with the shotgun) DEAN: We gotta burn Ellicott's bones and all this will be over, and you'll be back to normal. SAM: I am normal. I'm just telling the truth for the first time. I mean, why are we even here? ’Cause you're following Dad's orders like a good little soldier? Because you always do what he says without question? Are you that desperate for his approval? DEAN: This isn't you talking, Sam. SAM: That's the difference between you and me. I have a mind of my own. I'm not pathetic, like you. DEAN: So what are you gonna do, huh? Are you gonna kill me? SAM: You know what, I am sick of doing what you tell me to do. We're no closer to finding Dad today than we were six months ago. DEAN: Well, then here. Let me make it easier for you. (He holds his Smith & Wesson toward SAM.) Come on. Take it. Real bullets are gonna work a hell of a lot better than rock salt. (SAM hesitates) Take it!

^ the part of the scene where dean is first trying to talk sam into stopping and then trying to talk him into trading the shotgun for the unloaded pistol so that he can physically take sam down

(SAM points the gun at DEAN's face.) DEAN: You hate me that much? You think you could kill your own brother? Then go ahead. Pull the trigger. Do it! (SAM pulls the trigger. The chamber is empty. He tries again, and once more.)

^ the part of the scene where dean has an advantage he knows or can be pretty sure is enough for him to stop this at any time and get himself out of danger

(DEAN uses a right cross to knock SAM to the ground and struggles to get up.) DEAN: (moving to stand over SAM) Man, I'm not going to give you a loaded pistol! (SAM stares up at him. DEAN delivers a vicious right cross to knock SAM out, almost falling as he does so.) DEAN: (patting his brother) Sorry, Sammy.

^ the part of the scene where he actually does stop this but only after it's clear that sam in this state would have been willing to kill him (after already having wounded him without hesitation)

SAM: I'm sorry, man. I said some awful things back there. DEAN: You remember all that? SAM: Yeah. It's like I couldn't control it. But I didn't mean it, any of it. DEAN: You didn't, huh?

^ the part where dean definitely absolutely knows that it wasn't really sam talking

having real big thonks about se01ep10 asylum specifically the scene where the sam that was fucked up by the ghost tries to kill dean. specifically the fact that after dean trades sam the unloaded pistol for the rock salt shotgun (which btw i ABSOLUTELY DID NOT CLOCK HE WAS DOING i thought he was just straight up handing him a gun and was 1. going jesus fucking christ dean really loudly in my head and 2. expecting them to have sam snap out of it or something) he like. could have just gone to knock sam out then. it wouldve worked the same. sam wouldve tried to shoot him out of reflex, gun's not loaded, moment of shock and confusion that's just long enough, tada. but no he waited to see if sam would pull the trigger