#“i got experience with nerd sausage” is CRAZY

[smosh-mouth]

Shayne and Chanse talking about each other:

also credits to the people that posted the first 2 screenshots first

[nickireadstfc]

The Foxhole Court, Chapter 2 - Twinyards!

In which we reveal Exy’s origin story, my namesake appears, Andrew has some Serious Issues™ and the Twinyards pull off the oldest twin trick in the book of twin tricks, however their punny name totally redeems them.

Sounds good? Then it’s time for Nicki to read The Foxhole Court.

Not gonna lie – I’ve been dying to read on since the last chapter. God, I just wanna sit down and burn through the entire book in two days. No. Patience, Nicki.

We start off the second chapter with yet another new character – Aaron Minyard, who is an all-black unfriendly fucker like his twin, minus the murder tendencies.

              “Neil,” Aaron said in lieu of hello, and he pointed. “Baggage claim.”

            “Just this.” Neil tapped the strap of the duffel bag hanging off his shoulder. The bag was small enough to be a carry-on and large enough to carry everything Neil owned.

What the fuck, this is the saddest thing I’ve read all day.

Aaron proves to be exactly the same shade of Extra and Dramatic as everyone else so far as he doesn’t give a flying hoot about lung cancer, polite conversation, or basic traffic regulations.

            “It’s too nice of a car to wreck,” [Neil] said pointedly.

            “Don’t be so afraid to die,” Aaron said as the car kept gliding across the four-lane road to an exit ramp. “If you are, you have no place on our court.”

Literally chill out, Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way.

Neil, unbothered by the waves of Extra currently rolling around, takes this car ride as an opportunity to talk about his favourite subject: Kevin.

            “Kevin stays on campus?” he asked.

            “Where the court is, Kevin is. He can’t exist without it,” Aaron said derisively.

What a nerd. I love it.

However, Kevin’s immense nerd-love for Exy is actually explained shortly after and answers my most burning question from last chapter: WHAT THE FUCK IS EXY IT MAKES NO SENSE SPORTS DON’T GET FAMOUS THAT FAST BLA BLA BLA.

Shut up, past!me. Nora Sakavic is gonna learn you a thing.

            Kevin’s mother Kayleigh Day and Riko’s uncle Tetsuji Moriyama created the sport roughly thirty years ago while Kayleigh was studying abroad in Fukui, Japan. What started as an experiment spread from their campus to local street teams, then across the ocean to the rest of the world. Kayleigh brought it home with her to Ireland after completing her degree and the United Stated picked it up soon after.

OKAY. First of all, thirty years is a long time and it’s fully plausible for a sport to develop this kind of following and news’ coverage in that time. For example, snowboarding was only developed in the late 70s/early 80s, yet today it’s even a Olympic discipline.

(Also, my comparison with competitive cheerleading from last chapter might have been unfair. Cheer counts as a minority sport in the US as well, yet fangirl/boy-level stalking is fully possible with American teams. Soz.)

Second of all, KEVIN AND RIKO’S PARENTS INVENTED EXY??? WHAT?!?!?

I’d be an arrogant son of a bitch too if that had happened to me. Holy fucking what.

            Riko and Kevin were the face of the Ravens. To many, they were considered the future of Exy. (…) Except Kevin Day signed with the Foxes in March – not as a coach, but as a striker.

[fergie’s ‘london bridge’ voice] OH SHIT.

            His fans went from feeling heartbroken to feeling betrayed. Palmetto State hat borne the brunt of that rage since. The university and stadium had been vandalized upwards of a dozen times and there’d been numerous fights on campus. It would only get worse when the season started and people saw Kevin wearing the Foxes’ colours.

Fictional Sports World gets Actual Sports World’s obsessive fan violence spot on.

Also, I feel sorry for the students going to Palmetto State Uni who don’t give a fuck about Exy. Like, can y’all crazy sportsballheads stop vandalizing our campus like some people are trying to get an education here thank you. It’s like going to Hogwarts and just trying to live a chill regular life. Not happening.

As they arrive at Wymack’s house, a much-needed ray of sunshine appears: Nicky Hemmick.

            Nicholas Hemmick was the only one who looked genuinely happy to see Neil. (…) “I’m Nicky.” Nicky gave Neil’s hand another hard squeeze before letting go. “Andrew and Aaron’s cousin, backliner extraordinaire.”

            (…) “By blood?”

            Nicky laughed. “Don’t look it, right?”

I would like to point out that this is the first time a character genuinely laughs in this entire book. And we’re on page 22.

What a guy. I’m honoured to be his namesake (with minor spelling differences). Please don’t turn out to be an aggressive fuckwit as well please.

Some predictions on Nicky’s character:

- his kink is bein’ friendly and havin’ a good time

- drama kid

- g l i t t e r

- super open abt his sexuality, just loves love, essentially pansexual

- can fuck u up but does it nicely because he wants to support you and help you grow as a person

- would die for his friends (and dogs)

- essentially my headcanon courfeyrac from les mis okay shut up

Ahem. Moving on.

            “You have a nice car for someone who thinks he’s poor,” Neil said. (…)

            “Aaron’s mother bought it for us with her life insurance money,” Andrew explained.

Okay but - Aaron’s mother? What? Surely Aaron’s mother is Andrew’s mother as well if they’re twins?

I don’t believe this is lazy writing. What is going on there.

            “It’s not the world that’s cruel,” Neil said. “It’s the people in it.”

I don’t even want to know how many fangirls use this as their blog headline/Facebook status/moodboard caption/wrist tattoo.

            [Neil] was too busy staring at Aaron’s pants pockets. They were much too flat to be hiding a pack of cigarettes, but Neil had seen Aaron put the pack away before crossing the street at the airport.

Are you telling me Neil is too busy staring at Aaron’s ass (which is actually Andrew’s ass, spoiler alert) to notice when to walk into Wymack’s apartment because that might be the best thing that’s happened so far.

(Unless we’re talking about front pockets, in which case, nevermind).

And then this happens:

            “What was that all about?“

            Neil’s blood turned to slush. It wasn’t the words that got him but the language Nicky used. German was Neil’s second language thanks to three years spent living in Austria, Germany, and Switzerland.

GERMANY! The mothercountry! Land of beer, sausage, and superfluously-stocked hardware stores!

Now the only thing I can imagine is Aaron and Andrew as coldmirror’s Torsten und Torben. I’m not even sorry.

            “Team’s still split fifty-fifty on whether or not [Coach Wymack and Abby] are boning. Andrew refuses to vote, which means you’re the tiebreaker. Let us know ASAP. I’ve got money riding on it.”

To no one’s surprise, Nicky is Ultimate Shipping King. I love him more by the minute.

However, these short moments of glee are immediately overridden because this happens:

          Too late, Neil remembered Nicky’s exasperated accusion in the living room: “What the hell did you say to him, Andrew?” Neil had assumed Nicky was referring to their first meeting in Millport, but Nicky had been talking about the car ride from the airport. It wasn’t Aaron who picked Neil up from the airport after all.

WHAAAAAT.

I mean… this is the oldest twin trick in the book, really. What is this, the Parent Trap?

No kidding, I’d pay to see the Twinyards with ginger pigtails dressed in early 20s fashion.

Also, Twinyards!! How did I not see that before!! Thank you, fandom, for finding the punniest names for everything ever.

(If you’re wondering whether I’m still laughing over this name as I type this: I am.)

Apparently, Andrew has some serious anger management issues and enough court-regulated drugs in his system to kill a small child, effectively making him a hardcore drug addict against his will.

WHAAAAAAAAAAT. No, seriously, WHAT.

The angst just does not stop, you guys.

Also, Wymack is back!

#dicksoutforwymack

          Neil looked down at the key in his palm, at the security Wymack so easily and unquestioningly gave him. Maybe Neil wouldn’t get any sleep tonight, and amybe he’d spend the next couple weeks waking up every time Wymack snored a little too loud, but maybe Neil really was okay here for now.

Oh don’t mind me I’m just crying in the corner whilst stabbing myself with my own materialized emotions.

What. A. Dude.

On a last note: How sexual was the elevator scene. I can’t even quote anything or I’d need to just slap the entire thing here because dear god, the gay is not even subtle at all.

          Neil couldn’t anticipate Kevin. (…) But Andrew was just a psychotic midget, and Neil had grown up around violence. Handling him would be easy.

Two things:

1. 20 bucks says it’s not gonna be fucking easy ho boy

2. Maybe chill on the m word, my dude.

Ughhhh. Is it Sunday already?

[silkfood8-blog]

Pandorum: The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. DARK SPACESHIP, THE FUTURE

BEN FOSTER wakes up SCREAMING HIS FUCKING BRAINS OUT BECAUSE HE ALWAYS DOES THAT YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE GETTING INTO. He falls out of a HIBERNATION POD, covered in SCROTUM SKIN.

BEN FOSTER

WHERE THE FUCK AM I WHO THE FUCK AM I WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!

He grabs a ROD and frantically BEATS the EXTERIOR DOOR but it WON’T OPEN.

BEN FOSTER

(breathes)

I’m not playing a speed-freak for once so I should calm down...

He finds a NOTICE in his LOCKER.

BEN FOSTER

“You may experience memory loss due to prolonged hypersleep and the scrotification process.”

A POWER SURGE causes DENNIS QUAID to fall out of a POD.

DENNIS QUAID

... Dafuq?

BEN FOSTER

My forearm tattoo says we’re Flight Team 5 on the spaceship Elysium. Our pods say I’m Corporal Foster and you’re my lieutenant.

DENNIS QUAID

I can’t remember where we’re going or why the word “Elysium” makes me want to punch Matt Damon...

BEN FOSTER

I only remember my comprehensive nuclear engineer training. The power surges mean the reactor’s busted.

DENNIS QUAID

We must have “Memento” amnesia so we can remember things that make no sense.

BEN FOSTER

Right? How did he even know he HAD a memory condition?

(beat)

I’m having flashbacks about my wife.

(flashes back)

I think she was a mute albino...?

DENNIS QUAID

Go reset the reactor so we can take control of the ship. I’ll stay here and do nothing; I’m surprisingly fragile.

(nose bleeds)

See?

INT. DARK AIR VENT

BEN FALLS out of the CEILING into a BOOT LOCKER.

BEN FOSTER

(over radio)

Ugh... I’m fine.

(opens door)

My neck broke my fa- AAH!

BEN steps out and FALLS another TEN FEET.

BEN FOSTER

Off to a bad start...

He opens a SECURITY LOCKER by scanning his TATTOO.

BEN FOSTER

“Non-Lethal Anti-Riot Gun.” It slips over my forearm so I can’t drop it!

(drops it)

Whoops!

DENNIS QUAID

(on radio)

Make sure you get size small. You’ve got those dainty wrists-

BEN FOSTER

(makes static sounds)

Kssh... You’re breaking up... Kssh...

(grabs medium)

BEN spots ANTJE TRAUE.

ANTJE TRAUE

(runs)

BEN FOSTER

She was probably frightened by my manliness-

ANTJE SWINGS DOWN from the CEILING and lays a SMACKDOWN on BEN.

ANTJE TRAUE

(brandishes knife)

Gimme your boots, fish!

BEN FOSTER

I just came from a boot lock- AAH!

(elbowed in face)

ANTJE hears a NOISE and DISAPPEARS BATMAN STYLE. BEN sees PEOPLE APPROACHING.

BEN FOSTER

Maybe it’s a rescue team!

(hears blood-curdling scream)

Uh... Looks like they brought torches... and spears... and avocado-shaped heads... and mouths full of... blood-

(runs)

INT. DARK CORRIDOR

BEN radios DENNIS while the VIEWERS adjusts their TV’s BRIGHTNESS SETTING.

BEN FOSTER

(whispering)

We’re fucked. This ship is crawling with crazy German chicks and aliens!

DENNIS QUAID

(normal voice)

Ridiculous! I can accept that our spaceship has perfect artificial gravity and we shave with lasers, but I draw the line at aliens!

BEN FOSTER

(whispering)

Be quiet! I’m trying to avoid detection, not show you my Matthew McConaughey impression!

DENNIS QUAID

(just as loudly)

Maybe you have Pandorum. Are your hands shaking? Palms sweaty? Knees weak? Arms spaghetti?

BEN FOSTER

(hands shake)

Pandorum? The CGI planet from that 2009 movie that drove nerds crazy or the paranoid delusion disorder from that other 2009 movie that drives space pilots crazy?

DENNIS QUAID

The second one. Several years ago, a pilot caught Pandorum so he killed his crewmates and evacuated the ship. He just pushed a button and sent thousands to die in space.

BEN FOSTER

Naturally, our ship has the same feature.

DENNIS QUAID

(shouts)

I remember our mission! We’re going to settle an Earth-like planet called Tanis!

DENNIS' STUPID VOICE attracts more AVOCADO-HEADS. BEN RUNS and loses RADIO CONTACT.

BEN FOSTER

And now to jump across this gap-

(falls through)

I’m ok! And now to run through this door-

BEN runs off a CLIFF but his FOOT catches a WIRE and he swings through ANOTHER DOOR.

BEN FOSTER

(drops gun)

Did Buster Keaton design this place?!

The A-HEADS grab the WIRE and PULL. CUNG LE swings down and CUTS it with a SPEAR.

CUNG LE

(speaking Vietnamese)

You have what my people call “ladyboy wrists.”

(hands gun back)

BEN FOSTER

(whispers)

I don’t understand.

CUNG LE

(in Vietnamese)

I don’t either, dummy.

BEN attempts to bridge the LANGUAGE BARRIER by MUMBLING and using ZERO BODY LANGUAGE.

BEN FOSTER

I'm going to fix the reactor. You stay here; I can’t imagine how a jacked martial artist could possibly help me...

(walks away)

ANTJE SWINGS DOWN and ATTACKS BEN again.

BEN FOSTER

(fights back)

Where do you fuckers keep swinging from?! I feel like a Spiderman villain!

BEN gets KICKED through a DOOR and FALLS 20 FEET.

BEN FOSTER

This is getting old...

CUNG SWINGS in and starts FIGHTING ANTJE.

CUNG LE

(in Vietnamese)

Just your friendly neighborhood Asian man!

BEN fires his GUN at the CEILING.

BEN FOSTER

(delivers speech that inspires them to work together)

CUNG LE

(momentarily understands English, apparently)

ANTJE TRAU

I’ve been awake for months and know how to find the reactor. I’m a zoologist who’s skilled in combat, gymnastics, survival, and having a hot bod because I attended the NCIS School for Female Protagonists.

BEN FOSTER

Lead the way, Ant- ... Antjuh- ... However-the-fuck-you-say-your-name!

INT. FLIGHT TEAM ROOM

DENNIS is SLEEPING. A NOISE wakes him up.

DENNIS QUAID

Who’s there, you nap-ruining fuck?!

(nose drips blood)

CAM GIGANDET reaches out through TUBES in the WALL. He is NAKED and covered in BLOOD.

CAM GIGANDET

(sobbing hysterically)

Help! I’m covered in oily tentacles!

DENNIS QUAID

(grabs hand)

What happened to you?!

CAM GIGANDET

I’m not a Japanese school girl!

(passes out)

INT. DARK CORRIDOR THAT’S VISUALLY SIMILAR TO THE PREVIOUS ONE

BEN, ANTJE, and CUNG encounter an A-HEAD CHILD.

ANTJE TRAU

They’re breeding! The A-Heads must be mutated humans that have adapted to the ship! There’s stuff in our blood that’s designed to help us adapt to Tanis.

BEN FOSTER

Do you know what this means?! That anyone who says we ripped off “Alien” has their head planted firmly up their ass!

CUNG LE

(in Vietnamese)

Suck it, critics! If anything, we ripped off “The Descent”...

(runs after CHILD)

It SHRIEKS and alerts ADULT A-HEADS. They RUN AWAY through a door and BARRICADE it. EDDIE ROUSE appears on a walkway above them.

EDDIE ROUSE

I’ve been awake for years and I’m even crazier than Antj- Auntj- you know who I mean!

BEN FOSTER

What happened here? And what’s with your gross sausage fingers?

EDDIE ROUSE

I’ll tell you in the form of a poem!

(clears throat)

Three little monkeys jumpin’ on the bed,

Found out that the Earth was dead,

One little monkey got Pandorum and killed the other monkeys and declared himself king and woke up more monkeys and forced them to cannibalize each other,

Then the little monkey went back to bed!

CUNG LE

(in Vietnamish)

That stunk so hard I can smell it. Smells like gas...

BEN, ANTJE, and CUNG pass out.

INT. FLIGHT TEAM ROOM

CAM calms down and gets dressed.

CAM GIGANDET

I‘m from Flight Team 4. My crewmates caught Pandorum and I had to defend myself!

(nose bleeds)

DENNIS QUAID

They both got it? Impossible!

CAM GIGANDET

Don't look at me like I'm crazy- I'LL FUCKIN' CARVE YOU UP- IT PUTS THE LOTION ON THE SKIN- STUTTERING STANLEY, STUTTERING STANLEY!!!

(covered in nose blood)

You believe me, right?

DENNIS QUAID

Of course! On an unrelated note, how about a sedative?

(grabs syringe)

CAM GIGANDET

I said I'm not crazy!

(slaps own face)

(whoops like a stooge)

Rotten Tomatoes has a perfect rating system! Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!

(attacks)

DENNIS QUAID

(fights back)

I’LL FUCKIN' CARVE YOU UP!!!

(nose bleeds)

They MELT into the SAME PERSON.

DENNIS QUAID

(ears bleed)

Cam is the young me, in case that wasn’t obvious!

INT. SOME OTHER DARK CORRIDOR I DUNNO IT ALL LOOKS THE SAME

BEN, ANTJE, CUNG, and EDDIE sneak toward the REACTOR.

EDDIE ROUSE

Can you believe I almost ate you guys?

(chuckles)

I’m terrible with first impressions!

ANTJE TRAU

Hurry up! We’ve only got-

(checks script)

Five minutes until the reactor shuts down!

BEN FOSTER

What’s the point? I just remembered that my wife left me and then died when the Earth disappeared.

(flashes back)

She hated that my apartment looked like an Apple Store...

ANTJE TRAU

We have to continue! We’re obviously setting up a sequel and we can’t take that away from the fans!

CUNG LE

(in Vietnam-speak)

Wouldn’t that be a shame.

(glares at camera)

ANTJE TRAU

And your lieutenant needs us! That little bitch bleeds if you look at him funny.

BEN FOSTER

(flashes back)

... He’s not my lieutenant.

(beat)

MAN, my flashbacks are bright! That must be jarring as hell!

They RUN to the REACTOR and find HUNDREDS of A-HEADS sleeping around it.

BEN FOSTER

To reach the reactor, I just have to walk over this narrow, rickety walkway that has no railings.

(exasperated sigh)

Seriously?!

ANTJE TRAU

Try not to fall, for once.

BEN FOSTER

(falls)

ANTJE TRAU

Damn it, Ben!

(runs across)

NONE of the A-HEADS wake up, so BEN crawls over them to the LADDER.

EDDIE ROUSE

(leans over railing)

We make a great team!

(drops flashlight)

The A-HEADS wake up and RAMPAGE. EDDIE RUNS.

CUNG LE

(in the language they speak in Vietnam)

Do I have to do everything myself?!

(throws spear)

They CHASE CUNG and BEN resets the REACTOR.

INT. ORNATE, ORIGINAL, WELL-LIT SET- JUST KIDDING, IT’S ANOTHER DARK CORRIDOR

CUNG escapes by HIDING IN THE CEILING.

CUNG LE

(not in English)

Glad I remembered that scene from “Matilda”!

The A-HEAD LEADER appears and ATTACKS but CUNG BEATS HIM TO DEATH LIKE A FUCKIN’ BOSS.

CUNG LE

(in foreign language, probably Vietnamese)

I’m unstoppable! Even though I’m a minority in a horror film-

(drops dead)

INT. FLIGHT TEAM ROOM

The POWER comes on and the BRIDGE DOOR opens. EDDIE arrives to find DENNIS leaning against a wall with the SYRINGE in his ARM.

EDDIE ROUSE

You’re sedated? I guess you’re not dangerous-

DENNIS STABS him in the EYE with the SYRINGE.

EDDIE ROUSE

Ow! Luckily, this injury isn’t fatal...

(remembers he’s black)

(dies)

INT. BRIDGE

BEN and ANTJE run in and SHUT THE DOOR.

ANTJE TRAU

One of them is getting through!

BEN grabs his NON-LETHAL GUN and NON-LETHALLY BLOWS ITS HEAD OFF.

BEN FOSTER

(horrified)

I gave one of these to my nephew!

(beat)

Computer, how long have we been on this ship?

COMPUTER

923 Years.

They look out the WINDOW and see ALIEN FISH, which look like REGULAR FISH with MINOR ADJUSTMENTS.

BEN FOSTER

(hands shake)

This ship is sophisticated enough to land itself and it chose to set down on the bottom of the ocean?

(nose bleeds)

What is it with this death trap?!

They find DENNIS.

BEN FOSTER

(aims gun)

You’re not my lieutenant so you must be the guy that freaked out and killed everyone!

DENNIS QUAID

How the hell did you know that?

BEN FOSTER

Good question... Eddie couldn’t have known about that unless he’s 900 years old...

(starts hallucinating)

DENNIS QUAID

Don’t you see? These questions could have been answered in the sequel but now that’s never gonna happen! They fucked us! But there’s no law anymore! We’re free to shoot our own sequel right now!

(grabs ANTJE)

Let’s start by killing the female protagonist!

ANTJE TRAU

(choking)

Real... original... Hitchcock...

(still choking)

What... was in... that syringe?!

BEN IMAGINES that an A-HEAD is in the VENT and SHOOTS. This CRACKS the WINDOW and WATER pours in.

DENNIS QUAID

(dies)

(...or does he?)

(who cares, there’s no sequel)

BEN FOSTER

(instantly cured)

BEN and ANTJE enter a POD and EJECT.

BEN FOSTER

These pods are impregnable so it won’t fill with water-blub-blub-blub-

(pod fills with water)

They reach the SURFACE and the DOOR POPS OFF.

ANTJE TRAU

(gasps for breath)

How did the pod know to do that?!

(starts hallucinating)

BEN FOSTER

Snap out of it! Science fiction movies don’t always add up but sometimes you have to shut up and enjoy the ride!

HUNDREDS of other PODS surface and their DOORS POP OFF. They look around at their NEW PLANET.

BEN FOSTER

Hallelujah! We're within swimming distance of the shore!

ANTJE TRAU

Hallelujah! Although 40% of the characters were minorities, only a blonde man and German woman survived! Sieg heil zee German director!

BEN FOSTER

(looks wide-eyed at camera)

END

Source: http://www.the-editing-room.com/pandorum.html

[stevep-uk]

Well, this is a first for us!

We’re off for a Warner Weekend with our like-minded friends: Geoff, Rhonda, Paul and Sue.

Littlecote House

We’re staying at Warner’s Littlecote House Hotel in Berkshire.

It’s a themed long-weekend entitled: ‘Oh! What A Feeling‘, celebrating the music of Lionel Richie & The Commodores as well as Tom Jones. There’s also dozens of free activities to enjoy too!

Add to that, we’ve got a comprehensive range of breakfast options every day, a three-course dinner every evening, and complete use of the leisure facilities. What’s not to love? 😁

Friday – Arrival

After a brief stop at Bicester Shopping Village (surely more of a city these days as it’s grown quite a bit, since we were last here back in November 2014), we drove the last part to the Hotel in less than an hour, arriving at 2.50pm.

2.55pm: Paul and Sue were just ahead of us and given our unfamiliarity with the area, we drove in convoy through the Hotel’s (already very full) car-park. Boy, this place is busy! I think we got the last two spaces that felt like they were in Hungerford! Still, walking is good for you! 😁👍

Plenty to see and do!

…with organised events (for those of us that need/want organising!)

We were soon settled in our respective rooms – we’re in 303 – and they’re pretty well-appointed.

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4.10pm: Next stop was the daily ‘Teatime Teaser Quiz’, and Warner’s are quite well-known for them. The combined talents of the six of us meant we answered pretty much all of the questions with ease. We christened ourselves The Northants Nutters, but in spite of the fear-inducing nature of our name, we didn’t win (but we were close!) Still, the top prize of a solitary cup-cake made us feel that we could forego victory without too much trouble. Anyway, there’s another quiz tomorrow 😁

With the (slightly) sour taste of defeat still ringing in our ears (can ears ‘taste’?) we moved onto the most important activity of the break: booking places for the free activities. We bagged slots for Archery, Rifle-Shooting (what else do you do with a rifle?), Yoga, Swimming, Aqua-Aerobics, the Old House Tour and Skittles… but equally important, we ensured they had us booked-in for eating in the Restaurant too! 🤔

Warner Brothers (and Sisters)! 😁

6.45pm: Second-only to ‘Restauranting’, the next most important activity was drinkies (tonight it’s at Geoff & Rhonda’s room). In preparation, we’d all come armed to the teeth with alcohol, and helpfully (just in case that wasn’t enough) the Hotel had put a free bottle of wine in each Room too! Oh dear! our first big decision…

What to do with all the booze? 😵

Luckily, we worked it all out before heading staggering to the Restaurant for 7.30pm. It was our first evening meal here and they’d reserved us a quietish table near the window – it was ours for the duration and so we eat when we like.

7.35pm: We must have been one of the last to arrive in the Restaurant – it was packed – they obviously eat early here. But the Table we’d reserved was waiting for us and we were soon giving the Menu the ‘once over’.

Wow! Our first Meal ‘punched well above its weight’ both in terms of presentation and taste. Considering how many they were catering for, this was a very pleasant surprise. Piotr, our Polish Waiter, worked his socks off, and kept us fed and watered throughout. Given that we were last to arrive, we were also almost the last to leave. Where had everyone gone? We were about to find out!

9.15pm: We all headed for the Lounge, where (luckily) Geoff had reserved our seating too! On arrival, it became obvious where everyone had gone! HERE!! for the evening of entertainment. Clearly, the ‘regulars’ understand the process – ‘Eat early, and then head for the Lounge as soon as you can so you can grab a seat with a good view’. We arrived just as another Quiz was ending and where everyone was taking it very seriously! 😉

We’d read the evening’s itinerary and weren’t quite sure what to expect in terms of entertainment, but if the number of people packed into the Lounge was a guide (I think 99.9% of the Hotel’s guests were there – we reckon in excess of 200!), we were in for a treat. 👍

Evah Morgan in full voice

9.30pm: First up, was Evah Morgan, a girl with a really powerful voice. I’m sure when she’s not singing, she’s using it to shatter concrete from 100 paces – what a pair of lungs! She easily filled the dance-floor by about her fourth number as she belted-out many Motown favourites. For extra entertainment, it was good to see a few dancing couples with worse hand/body co-ordination than me (and that’s saying something!). I felt like John Travolta from Saturday Night Fever in comparison. Evah performed for about an hour – and the audience was very appreciative.

Sahara Blue working VERY hard to engage the audience

10.30pm: Following Evah was ‘Sahara Blue’. In spite of a good voice and excellent stage presence, it was all a bit slow to engage the by-now somewhat dwindled audience. By the time we threw in the towel at 10.55, just two couples were just about to take to the dance-floor. Paul and Sue flew the flag for ‘youngsters staying up late’! 🥴

Saturday – Day 1

Ahh, a day of intense activity follows… 😯

8.00am: But first, the most important meal of the day – Breakfast!

Very nice!

9.20am: There was something for everyone – and given our Australian experience with Sausages, it was good to see the return of the traditional banger (Crown Plaza, Canberra, please take note!). With enough fuel on offer to keep me going for days weeks months, Sue, our newly appointed ‘Events Co-ordinator Supremo’, confirmed today’s agreed activities…

A packed Programme! 😊

10.00am: First stop was Table-tennis, but the biggest challenge was actually finding the room. We eventually tracked it down to the Long Gallery where, apart from us, it was completely deserted. Still, with our combined table-tennis skills bordering on mediocre it was probably best we weren’t playing in front of an audience! 😉

To the Victors, the spoils!

Next stop was Archery lessons. Initially, the safest place to be when we had the bow in our hand was right in front of the target itself. As time progressed though, we all improved. Our results may not have been Robin Hood standard, but the number of shots on target (and close to the bull) meant we could leave with our heads held high (and the local sheep could, once again, safely graze!) Well done us! 😊

Initially, the safest place to stand!

Be afraid, be VERY afraid!

Fresh from our achievements at the Archery lesson, we headed for indoor golf chipping. This had a much less competitive feel about it, but amongst the dozen-or-so participants, it was easy to see who the proper golfers were (certainly not Geoff, Paul nor me!)

Crazy!

However, as the competition played-out, the distinction became less clear, and and the tension in the audience – all 7 of them – rose to almost fever-pitch, evident by the number of buzzing hearing-aids! The overall winner turned out to be a non-golfer! (but still not us though!) 😒

12.30pm: We all met up at the Bar for a ‘swift half’ before going our separate ways for the next batch of events. Geoff, Sue, Ann and Rhonda opted for the aqua-aerobics whilst Paul and I headed for the more manly pursuits of the rifle-range!

2.00pm: The rifle-shooting was a well organised affair and our group of nine was split into three teams. These weren’t (thankfully) AK47s, just air-rifles, but they packed a punch. Round 1 (of 3) required us to hit a large target, whilst round 2 was harder, with five smaller targets requiring a pellet in each – as close to the bull as possible. Crikey! this event should have been sponsored by SpecSavers given the wide variation in our collective accuracy! 😯

My skills as a marksman!

The final round was great fun! Shooting at ducks (plastic ones of course!). Each of us were given four pellets each – and AMAZINGLY I managed to hit 3 out of 4! It wasn’t enough to secure victory, but as a team, we tied top! In an effort to create a ultimate winner, they moved two ducks much further away and we were invited us to all shoot again. This time, victory was snatched away from us by Jenny, who (mostly to her surprise) winged the winning-duck with her final shot. Still, it’s not the winging is it? 😕

3.05pm: Just time for feet-up before the daily Quiz!

4.00pm: We, as the Northants Nutters limbered-up for the Quiz and after our blinding performance yesterday (where we were robbed) we were ready to take on anyone! However, within the first few questions, we realised today’s was harder… much harder (“What’s the only English anagram of tragedy?” and “What did Stevie Wonder lose in a car-crash in the 90s?” Anyone?).

But everyone needs a Nerd and thanks to some bonus points awarded for the Doctor Who question, we ended up in the top four! 😊 We’d narrowly missed victory again but there’s always tomorrow! 👍

6.50pm: Everyone came round to ours for drinks before heading to the Restaurant.

7.30pm: Yes, we were last to arrive again tonight where everyone else was already well into their meal. Still, we think ‘fashionably late’ is still de-rigueur in these parts, if you want to be noticed! It turned out to be another great meal, although our arrival time did impact on some of the choices.

9.00pm: Off to the Late Lounge where we caught the tail-end of the music-intro quiz. Given the lack of chairs and tables, this had clearly been a popular event. Once again, our pre-booking of seats was a must.

9.30pm: At last, the main event of the day – A Lionel Ritchie Tribute Act. Calling themselves ‘Oh, what a feeling’ (website HERE) they comprised of Malcolm Pitt and the Jonny Miller Band. Malcolm was ‘Lionel’ and what he lacked in lookalikeness, he more than made up for it with his voice! Amazing! If you closed your eyes, he simply WAS Lionel Ritchie!! 👍👍👍👍👍

Pretty much all Lionel Ritchie’s big hits were covered as well as a few Commodore classics too! The audience (including us) sang along to most of the tunes as it was a very participative experience. Just in case, the ceiling had been specially cleaned!! Fantastic! 🙄

Almost dancing on the ceiling!

If Lionel was great (he was!) The Band though were even greater! Drums (Charlie Kenny), Bass (Jonny Miller), Keyboards (Freddie Miller), Sax – alto and tenor (Alvin Davis) and Lead Guitar (Jack Griffiths) all came together to completely wow us with their musical abilities! They were a well-oiled collective whose talents almost (but not quite) outshone the main star! In fact, I’d go as far to say that I’d happily pay money to see just the Band performing!

10.45pm: All-in-all, ‘Lionel’ and the Band were very well received, but after 70 minutes, it was all over… almost… Not surprisingly, we had a encore (a two-track affair comprising of Say Me, Say You and Dancing on the Ceiling), which ended the performance nicely.

11.45pm: We were done for the day! Paul, Sue, Geoff and Rhonda flew the flag and moved next door into the Kennet Bar for the vocal delights of Carla Jade.

Sunday – Day 2

A less energetic day is promised! We’re all booked-in for the Tour of the House at a very relaxing 10am! 😊 Afterwards, it’s every camper for themselves!

8.55am: Breakfast! For me, I had sausages in my sights! 😉

10.00am: There has been a lot of good things to do here and for us, this was the highlight – a tour of the Old House. John, our Guide gave us a thorough history of Littlecote House as we wandered through the old building.

The House

There were corridors everywhere and some very unusual rooms to look over. In fact, we thought it was all a bit underplayed as this place featured a King, Ghosts, WWII billeting, a Church, its own organ – the list goes on! There’s not enough room here to do the contents and its history justice, but take it from us, if you’re here, as even if you only have a passing interest in old Houses, it’s most definitely worth it!

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Stand-out rooms for me? The Church and the Dutch Room. More information about Littlecote House and its history is HERE.

11.30am: As it was dry, we decided to take a wander around the grounds. It might have been dry, but it was perishingly cold (to me anyway!).

12.25pm: On our walk we took in the famous Roman Mosaic which was discovered in the grounds in 1728 as part of an unearthed Roman Villa. I think we were all impressed by the quality of the restoration.

Roman Mosaic – Littlecote House

12.55pm: …and then the obligatory celebratory ‘selfies’ followed…

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1.15pm: Back in the warm, we headed for the Lounge for drinks and a quick nibble, whilst enjoying the legendary Tommy Cooper on the big-screen. Simple humour from simpler times (which suited simple me perfectly!)

Just like that!

2.00pm: We went our separate ways (temporarily) with Paul, Sue and I (plus Ann prior to disappearing to go shooting) settling down to watch the Movie: 2018’s The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society.

Sunday Afternoon Movie

Just the sort of Movie for a Sunday afternoon! 👍

4.00pm: Our final chance to bring honour to The Northants Nutters as the daily Afternoon Quiz beckoned! Even with the team down to half-strength (Paul, Sue and me) we did pretty well and managed to maintain our record of NOT winning, but at least being in the top three! Next year, we’ll clinch this! 👍

6.45pm: Round to Paul and Sue’s for final pre-dinner drinkies!

7.30pm: Our final Dinner here tonight. Again, the food and service didn’t disappoint. Piotr, our Waiter served us proud and we plan on tipping him tomorrow at breakfast. 👍

Our Final Dinner

9.30pm: Another day, another tribute act! 😉 Tonight, it was David Kidd as Tom Jones. Ann sorted out spare underwear for the performance, but wasn’t keen that I did the same! 😊

David Kidd as Tom Jones

This was a polished performance. He certainly sounded like the Welsh Megastar. The only off-putting thing for us was that he’d tried a bit too hard to look like the Star – and that ill-fitting wig was a real distraction! 🤔

David did one encore: It’s Not Unusual which got everyone up on the floor. By 10.35 he was done! All very enjoyable and worth seeing again (wig permitting!)

10.45pm: Back to our room for packing. Check-out time is an unhealthy 10am tomorrow which means an early breakfast.

Bye-bye Warner’s – it’s been a great experience! 👍👍👍👍👍👍

Oh, What a Feeling!

None of us were really sure what to expect when we arrived on Friday. As separate couples, this type of break probably wouldn’t have been on our radar as a getaway destination, but as a group of friends together, it turned out to be a VERY enjoyable long weekend. The activities were all thoroughly memorable in their individual way; the food had been well above our expectations; the rooms were well-appointed; and the service everywhere has been nothing short of excellent. Warner’s seem to have a very ‘well-oiled machine’ here! Simply managing this number of guests – feeding, watering and entertaining – must have been a logistical challenge, but they pulled it off with ease.

Collectively we all feel that we’d do it all again together sometime in the future. 👍😊

Warner Weekend 2019 Well, this is a first for us! We're off for a Warner Weekend with our like-minded friends: Geoff, Rhonda, Paul and Sue.