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mitsukitsume · 2 months ago

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I saw this idea from anonymous confession and wanted to write it out myself. I hope it did it well because English isn't my first language and I don't know how to write that good!.

Pov: He won't let you go.

TW!: Toxic Isaac Au. Dark themes, suggestive content and toxic possessive Isaac.

Living with Isaac had been one of your most comfortable and best years of your life. You did not have to worry about anything. Your previous life was the complete opposite. Switching between one problem to another. You could never find yourself at peace. Having faced abuse from a young age even made your love life difficult. You couldn't afford to pay for college either so you had to work minimal pay jobs which barely got you by. You were always left wondering if you'd even be able to eat today.

But all that had changed ever since you met him. Your prince charming saving you from distress. At first you were, obviously unclear of his intentions and were somewhat afraid of him but you realised soon enough that he genuinely wanted to help you. All your life, you had been made feel utterly useless and pathetic. Isaac changed that. He gave you a purpose, strength, courage , a new will to live and enjoy life to the fullest. You wanted the same for him. You wanted him to see more than his work and live life...with you as a team. You wanted him to be free of his past trauma and insecurity. Isaac couldn't resist and fell for you eventually. He softened towards you and you were beyond happy to find a life partner that treated you so well and make sure you were comfortable in every way. It almost all felt like a dream.

But it was not.

There was always one problem. Going outside. You had always encouraged him to let go of his past and live life without being bound to the chains of his trauma. You understood why he was the way he was. You knew how much of a effect that one event had on his life. You sympathised with him but after all you were also human that craved to be free. You hadn't step a foot outside since his parents anniversary and that was only in the garden too. Whenever you tried to talk with him he'd turn the topic down. You were given everything except freedom.

Isaac had just returned from Vic's funeral. You two were again having that same talk.

"I'd be happy to keep you locked up in here if that's what it takes."

What? Did you actually hear him right? You knew Isaac was possessive over you but you had no idea it was this much. You were taken a back by his words but quickly gained your composure.

"Isaac, you can't keep me here forever! I want to live a life too.. I know I said I wanted it to be with you but that meant being free together from our past!"

Why couldn't you just understand? It was dangerous for you to be out there. You needed him to protect you. You couldn't live without him. He had already seen proof of that. He won't let you ever slip out his hands again. He had lost everyone in his life but not you...no no no..Only death could separate you two.

"You are free to do whatever you want pickle. Just not outside."

He said with a serious expression. Isaac was not budging when it came to let you go.

"What's the point of that!? You said we can be free and go outside... together...Isaac I feel like a prisoner here..this can't go on forever."

You told him while slightly raising your voice at him.

He let out a big sigh before begining to speak again.

"For the last time, we will when the time is right. I can never be too sure. You know how dangerous my work is, yo-.....we..are never safe. I want to keep you protected here"

"I don't need your protection!"

You yelled.

In return , he let out a bitter chuckle. One that was clearly mocking you.

"Don't need my protection? You'd be...dead...if it wasn't for me. I saved you...and I will protect you. You need to admit to yourself that you... can't ever survive on your own."

You heart ached upon hearing his words thrown against you. All this time...you thought Isaac thought of you as a strong person with courage and determination...but to him you were just a stupid damsel he saved...He thought of you as someone who couldn't survive on their own. He thought you needed him. The worst part of it all.....He wasn't lying.

You knew what the truth was but couldn't never bring yourself to admit it. You always tried to make yourself believe you could live without Isaac. But now hearing the same words you keep pushing away brought tears to your eyes. How could he ever?

"S-So...is..that seriously all you think of me...?

"A fool who can't look after themself!?!"

Tears were starting to blur your vision. It became hard for you to say anything as the lump in your throat became heavier and heavier.

Isaac again let out a mocking scoff to your exclamation.

"I don't I need to remind you do I? How easy was your life when you were "protecting" yourself? I don't understand possibly why you'd find a reason to leave. I give you everything here..."

"Except freedom that is!"

"You don't NEED freedom! I have given you everything here! There is nothing for you OUTSIDE! My god! Why don't you just understand? It's dangerous! You can't be left alone on your own. You are never safe unless you are here with me. You are NOT going outside and that's my final word."

You were standing there like a fool with tears in your eyes and pain in your heart. You were more disheartened by Isaac's words than angry. Just as you were about to run to your room, you felt Isaac grab your shoulders to keep a firm but not painful grip on them. You looked up at him with still teary eyes.

Isaac's heart ached at the sight of tears in his love's eyes. He never wanted to hurt you. He's just trying to protect you!

"I...I..am..sorry.. listen...I shouldn't have yelled like that...I just wanted you to understand..."

And with that Isaac pulled you into his arms and wrapped his arms around you in a protective embrace. You hesitantly leaned into his touch. He rubbed his hand up and down your back in a soothing manner. You felt your heart rate start to slow down. Even though you were mad at him, you couldn't deny the effect he had on you. Whenever you felt anxious. He was like a drug that calmed you down instantly. Once Isaac felt your calm, he gently pulled you to look into your eyes, your face was stained with a few tears. He leaned down and kissed your lips to which you kissed him back. He looked up again and looked straight into your eyes.

"Don't ever ask to go outside again."

His expression had completely changed. His face darkened with...anger? You couldn't even tell and for the first time in a while,

You were afraid of him...

A few days pass since that, things weren't really he same. You just saw Isaac in a different light . You still loved him to death and would do anything for him, but it was just

... different now. For him, it was still the same. Everything seemed to be okay for him. He knew how you felt and tried his best to make it as comfortable for you as possible. Weather it be by spending loads of time with you or piling gifts for you.

It was 7 pm currently. You were washing the dishes after dinner. The sun was just about to set and you looked outside through the glass window to see the beautiful canvas nature had painted. A smile crept to your lips as you saw the scene before you. You finished up your dishes and just as you were about to go, you thought of Isaac. For the past few days, you haven't been the best to him. Giving him the cold shoulder. You made your way into his study. He was there seemingly lost in thought with his work. You smiled and hugged him from behind. He felt your warm embrace and turned his chair around to see you. He smiled up at you. You couldn't help yourself but plant a kiss to his stupidly handsome face. You were suprised he never considered being a model.

"And how can I serve you today...?"

You chuckled at his attempts of trying to sound formal.

"Hmm...I demand cuddles in my room at 7:20 sharp."

"Sorry...we might have to make a compromise...how about....7:50? I still some work to finish up. I'll be right there okay?"

You nodded and have him a final peck on the lips before leaving and making your way to your own bed. You laid down and made your self comfortable. The curtains were open and the sun had already set. The atmosphere in the room was... calm and relaxing. The light was off and the only source of light was from the window that had faint light from the dark blue sky. You passed some time on your phone until you heard footsteps coming towards your direction. You sat up and waited for the door to open and see Isaac come in. Isaac came in the room with a tired look. You smiled and opened your arms gesturing for to lay down with you. He smiled back and made himself comfortable between your arms.

"Are you tired..?"

You asked him while running your fingers through his silky hair.

"Mhmm..."

You further laid down in the bed and Isaac started to spoon you in his arms. He buried his face in the crook of your neck and planted soft kisses. You wrapped an arm around his shoulder and one in his hair. Isaac made his way down and kissed the sensitive spot right beneath your ear making you let out soft moans. He pulled his head up from his neck and kissed your lips. You reciprocated the kiss and pulled him a bit more closer. He pushed his tongue against your lips seemingly asking for entrance and deepend the kiss. You hadn't gotten any time to be close with Isaac for the past few days so you were both now enjoying this intimate moment to the fullest. You were both lost in the moment until you pulled back to catch your breath. Isaac grabbed the nearby blanket and pulled it over you two...

🕘

The clock had just struck 9 pm. Isaac was fast asleep in your arms. You had just woken up still feeling sore from the previous events.

Isaac was sleeping beside you. You must have rolled out his arms. You get up to drink a glass of water and fix yourself in mirror. Your mouth felt very dry so you made your way to the kitchen to eat something. It was a comfort knowing you could eat anything, anytime now.

As you were preparing to make something quietly so Isaac doesn't wake up, you noticed the front door and an idea came to your mind...

"Should I go outside?"

Not too far or anything...just a walk outside...in the garden..just to feel the fresh air...you were tired of seeing the beautiful moon through the glass only. You wanted to see the stars and moon with a clear view...

Isaac is sleeping...he wouldn't know if you just slipped outside for a bit...right?

You took a peak in your shared room with Isaac, he was was fast asleep. You went up to him to make sure and he was sleeping peacefully. You walked back to the living room. You could feel your heart thumping. The front door has a code that you often saw Isaac put in, you had memorized it. You quickly typed in "6250" . It didn't work. You thought you had made a mistake. Again you typed it in carefully. It did not work. For the last time you typed in 6259. And that was wrong as well. You sighed but then your heart dropped as the house started to ring extremely loud like an emergency alarm. It was so loud. Isaac immediately woke up and ran towards the living room where he saw you standing there frozen in shock.

"What's wrong!?"

He asked in a hurry.

"I-I...just tried..to..o-open the front d-door.."

Isaac sighed in relief and dialed in a code to turn off the alarm. It had startled you to your core. But what came after was more intimidating. You were now standing Infront of Isaac unable to meet his gaze.

"What.were.you.doing?"

".... trying to go in the garden..."

"At this time!? And why on earth would you go there in the first place?"

"BECAUSE!...I want to go outside! I am tired of staying indoors! I need fresh air! This is unbelievable Isaac!"

"Oh my god...why dont you just...! We've already had this talk and I am not having it again with you."

"Yes you are! This can't go on forever! I won't let you control me!"

"Oh? And how are you going to stop me? Please enlighten me."

"I...I am going to leave the house!"

"And how would you do that..? And even if you did..you'd have no chance but to come back to me.."

"If....if...you don't let me leave...I'll...c-call...s-someone...t-the...c-cops.....or anything!"

He laughed bitterly at your exclamation. Did you seriously not know who you were dealing with..?

"Go on....you have my full permission to. There's nothing they can do...and there's nothing you can do..if I let you go...where the hell would you even go...hmm? Back on the streets? I can take away every penny from your account...and there's nothing you can do. There is no official document..or any contract that says you work for me. You have no home, no one , no money, no education, just me. Someone who wants to keep you safe and cherish you...but you just don't understand that don't you...?"

You were silent or more so silenced. As much as it hurts to admit...he was right. There was nothing you could do. You were now forever dependent on him unless you try to make a career of your own but you know how that ends up. Again, tears started to swell up in your eyes as you realized the gravity of the situation. You felt like the same little child years ago standing Infront their parents feeling helpless and hopeless...

Isaac wiped the tear that escaped from your eyes. You just didn't know how to react...weather to push him away or lean into him. A million things were going into your mind right now.

" There's no need to cry...that's the last thing I want pickle..."

He didn't understand why it was such a big deal for you. You were getting everything here so why outside? The more you wanted to go outside...the more he wanted to keep you with him. It had to be that way. He can't and won't lose you. Isaac hesitatently opened his arms to hug you. He pulled you into his arms and ran his hand up and down your back to sooth you.

"Please ..calm down.. try to understand...I just want to protect you.."

Isaac said to you although it seemed like he was reassuring himself more than he was reassuring you. You didn't push him away or protest. For some reason, even this man treated you like a pet or value able to keep rather than a human, you still loved him. You just couldn't help yourself. No matter what happens you always found yourself wanting to be in his arms. Being treated so harshly by other people all your life had left a big negative impact on you. The way others pushed you away but he held you closer...the way they used you and discarded you...while he was always there. You loved him despite it all. Maybe Isaac was initially right...maybe you do in fact have Stockholm syndrome. You didn't want to leave Isaac but also didn't want to continue life as it was. But going but your old life was nothing less than a nightmare. You held onto him a bit tighter. He carried you back to bed and you fell asleep still tired from the events that had just occurred.

This was your new life now. And you just have to accept it. No matter what.

#zsakuva #isaac rhoades #sakuverse

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vexieeeee · 24 days ago

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My fav yuri couples / ships <3

(In no particular order)

No one asked for it but I'm bored and wanna do it, you guys can give me ideas for lists to talk about like that in the future too.

Gonna make more parts too <3

Rae and Claire (I'm in Love with the Villainess) (Canon)

My thoughts: Okay so I absolutely adore everything about this series like manga and anime and light novels are all so good <3 It even defeated my ultimate yuri series which is Bloom Into You and that's something. So of course Rae and Claire with their amazing and such an interesting relationship had to make a list here. I don't know why but something about them just fills me with warmth. The way Claire goes from absolutely not being able to stand Rae to falling in love completely is just so 🤌 Dare I say my fav yuri relationship 💖

Sorawo and Toriko (Urasekai Picnic) (Canon)

My thoughts: With my last posts no one should be surprised at the next pair because COME ON GUYS, they're the lesbians we need but never deserved fr... I love everything about them, girlfriends who are accomplices and explore a world with monsters and other fucked up shit while being absolutely gay and protective of each other. I adore them <3

Yuu and Touko (Bloom Into You) (Canon)

My thoughts: My first ever fav yuri (Can't believe Rae and Claire beat them though-) for a reason. Everything about this was perfect for me, characters, plot and just the writing in general. Yuu and Touko's relationship with each other kept me entertained for the whole anime and then manga. I don't know what to say except that I love them <3

Adachi and Shimamura (Adachi to Shimamura) (Canon)

My thoughts: THEM. I just think they're so cute and that's all. And I know a lot of people are gonna come and say "Omg Vex Shimamura doesn't care about Adachi like that, she's such an annoying person-" Shut up because I do not tolerate Shimamura slander on this blog. Girl went through a lot but she cares about and loves Adachi. "The end of her life was the end of mine" bitch stop I'm sobbing, if that ain't love then I don't know what is.

Mitsuki and Aya (The Guy She Was Interested in Wasn't a Guy at All) (Canon)

My thoughts: Obviously I HAD TO add my green lesbians here. Mitsuki and Aya are the syrup to my pancakes and I'm so serious. Don't you guys just love it when two girls bond over shared interests and fall in love? Yeah me too 🙂‍↕️ If you need some serotonin then just read it, trust me guys.

Himari and Yori (Whisper Me a Love Song) (Canon)

My thoughts: Himari and Yori are so 💖 I've been reading this manga since it first came out in 2019 and my feelings towards them never change. In every chapter they're just so cute and their relationship is just adorable and I just love them <3

Aki and Shiho (Whisper Me a Love Song) (Canon)

My thoughts: Since we're on topic of Whisper Me a Love Song, since the first time we got introduced to their relation I WAS HOOKED. Everything about them was just so interesting and their storyline only highlighted their love later on. Plus I think both Shiho and Aki deserve to be happy after everything so I'm happy they're girlfriends.

Kumiko x Reina (Hibike! Euphonium) (Not Canon)

My thoughts: It physically hurt me to put not canon there because why? 😔 Honestly when I first started watching this show I thought they're so into each other until my brother spoiled me that they're indeed NOT into each other like that. Still in my heart they're girlfriends no matter what. No one will ever tell me there was absolutely nothing between them. I'm obsessed with them.

Chika x You (Love Live Sunshine) (Not Canon)

My thoughts: All of you Love Live stans may criticize me for talking about them first since "There's so much more better Love Live ships-" No. Nuh uh. Chika and You are my absolute fav ship in all of Love Live for some reason that I can't explain. They're just so cute and I may be a sucker for childhood friends trope in anime 🫠 The whole jealousy moment in the anime was feeding me too much and now it's showing fruits of it (Me being absolutely OBSESSED)

Ayumu x Yuu (Love Live Nijigasaki) (Not Canon)

My thoughts: Since we're on the topic of the childhood friends trope, obviously Ayumu and Yuu couldn't be missing from any part of this list. They're just so good together that it's shocking. Ayumu going yandere whenever a girl is close to Yuu and Yuu being absolute women charmer being surrounded by girls in the club is giving me life. They're just absolute adorable together and with them I'm absolutely sure they ended up together somewhere in the future.

#vex talks #rae x claire #i'm in love with the villainess #sorawo x toriko #urasekai picnic #yuu x touko #bloom into you #adachi x shimamura #adachi to shimamura #mitsuki x aya #a guy she was interested in wasn't a guy at all #himari x yori #aki x shiho #whisper me a love song #kumiko x reina #hibike euphonium #chika x you #ayumu x yuu #love live

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mikuni14 · 4 months ago

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4 Minutes - Ep 1-2

I haven't had much free time to keep up with all the series lately, I was planning to catch up and influenced by @my-rose-tinted-glasses enthusiasm I decided to watch 4 Minutes first 😘

So, ok. I love it.

First of all, I'm writing this before diving into the 4 Minutes tag, so I have no idea about the most popular theories. I have a few of my own working theories, but I don't feel like writing about them right now hehe. I will write what I like tho!

very good execution, but it's BOC, so no surprises here

aesthetics, actors, everything is 💯💯

I really like the mystery, suspense, crime, ambiguity, confusion, slow discovery of new plots, a certain kind of darkness that already created the delicious vibe in DFF ✨ I also like the pleasure and satisfaction I feel as a viewer, when I see something that I suspect might happen, it happens and the series doesn't force the opposite, doing stupid, illogical or ooc things, just to shock and surprise me (looking at you GoT). For example, I knew that Title wasn't found dead in this field, and when it turned out that he was alive, it didn't take away my pleasure from guessing it in any way. I love it when a show lets viewers guess what's going to happen and respects their intelligence

no matter what universe, Jet plays a complete dick who is in conflict with Mio's character ✨

Mio, Mio, Mio, Mio!! 💖💖💖💖 I gasped when I saw him, I'm literally conditioned to love this guy. He's ruthless and uncompromising again, gosh, my heart 💖💖💖(fair warning: I'm going to be insufferable about him, so be prepared 🤡)

the sex scenes are as bold and high-quality as ever

traditionally for BOC we have a juxtaposition of rich and poor, corruption, tragic choices caused by poverty, exploitation, overworking, fulfilling the expectations of ruthless parents, wealth as well as poverty being the source of crime

Bible plays a poor rich boy, which I really like. I also like his pairing, which wasn't at all predictable and obvious, because I'm probably the only person in the world who can't stand his pairing in KP (please don't hate me)

luckily Bible is a Cat Person and it shows, because he uses a Special Voice to talk to the kitty. The cat is relaxed, which is an exception in BL series 😑 (isn't that his cat? they seemed close 🥺)

of course I must comment on the BL in the BL series. So… yes! It's good! Bible as Great is wonderful but then again I didn't expect anything else from him. Tbh I was worried about what his partner would be like, whom I didn't know. Jes turned out to be sensational, first of all you can see his experience, he's 32 years old (!), as Tyme he's an absolutely captivating mix of an intimidating professional at work and adorable baka when he's just some dude liking a guy 😄 I really liked how the series is serious for the whole 1st episode, most of the 2nd and then suddenly there's a scene of Tyme smoothing out his feathers in a peacock mode, emphasizing his figure and shapely butt to look nice for his crush, it was so funny and cute. Also when he awkwardly tried to flirt with Great, the faces he made when he realized how clumsy he was lmao. I love the kind of men in BL shows who are strong and masculine but who turn into fluffy, awkward teddy bears 🐻 in the presence of their loved ones. When I saw Tyme in ep1 I thought he was going to be a stereotypical seme and I'm so glad the show lets him be a normal person.

It's interesting that Great gets a second chance every time he does something wrong 🤔 And I wonder why he sees a future with Tyme? This kind of future? Hm.

Overall I love 4 Minutes, I'm officially hooked. It's very interesting, intriguing and spicy, there are a lot of plots that are starting to overlap and connect, the series has actors that I like (some I even like a lot! just seeing Mio and hearing Bible speak English accounts for like 74% of my enjoyment lol), it's not afraid of controversial topics, the series doesn't treat viewers like children, the execution is at a very high level, Jes and JJay show infatuation at first sight in a very convincing way, the romances started very interestingly and I've watched the Tyme/Great scenes a few times already.

That means 3 series to obsess over in a week! Lucky me! ✌

(I might edit this post by adding some gifs later)

#4 minutes #4 minutes the series #bl drama #thai bl

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aerodynamic-acephalic · 6 months ago

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ok I just need to get my thoughts down because I don't see anyone else talking about this. spoilers for the new episode of Helluva Boss.

In the new episode, "The Full Moon", in relation to the Stolitz dynamic, there is a huge correlation between melody and emotions.

The duet at the start has Stolas singing the entire time, while Blitz is rapping the whole thing. Not that rap isn't music, nor that he isn't singing with deliberate pitch, but his parts of the song feel closer to spoken prose then Stolas'. In the words themselves, Stolas spend the entire time commenting on his own worries about Blitz and their meeting, while Blitz spends the song avoid his own anxieties about his relationship with Stolas, and in fact out right says he's "getting in [his] own head" when he begins to acknowledge his relationship with Stolas as "complex" before swerving out of that topic entirely.

And this is also true for their meeting at the end of the episode. The music that plays at the start is reflective of Stolas' inner emotional state while Blitz talks about what he bought. Then when Stolas brings up the Asmodian Crystal, the music turns more hopeful. And again, when Stolas states that Blitz is no longer under any obligation to do anything to/with him, the music changes to play a singular long note. This whole time, the music has changed to reflect Stolas' mental state throughout this conversation.

Then it's Blitz's turn to react and it goes dead silent. And even though Blitz could very much go "k thanks bye" and ditch Stolas, his reaction is "Am I not working hard enough? I can do better". Blitz, unlike Stolas, is not addressing the underlying emotions of his care for the other, defaulting to trying to bring back their status quo rather than (work to) resolve the issues in their relationship to make them both happier.

The music come back when Stolas answers with how much he truly cares about Blitz and he doesn't want a relationship built on a power imbalance the way theirs currently is.

Blitz, once again, swerves from the conversation as the music, once again cuts out, defaulting to assuming that he's not being serious.

This, obviously, hurts Stolas, with the music following in tow, where it cuts out (with the exception of a sustained chord this time) at Blitz realising that Stolas was being serious about genuinely caring about him and ever so slightly touching on how that makes him feel.

Music revives briefly for Stolas to verbalise how Blitz's dismissal and inability to believe his care for him when it cuts out at Blitz screaming at him. Here again it's Blitz not directly addressing why or what hurt him, but rather him angry that Stolas is dismissing his attempts at trying to understand and deal with the situation (rightfully so), though doing so through screaming and generalising ("you royal fucks think you can do this every time") as a way to bring back a semblance of control.

The music rolls in with Stolas being upset and crying and fades out when Blitz is teleported away.

This entire episode where these two are on screen (so, like the first 3min and the last 5min) has the music emphasising not only what the characters feel, but also how in-tune with and aware they are of how and why they feel the way they do, with Stolas able to do so much more than Blitz.

I saved the best for last, as there are exactly two exceptions to the "Blitz has no music but Stolas does" observation.

The first (and the less interesting and implicative of the two) is right after Blitz dismisses Stolas' feelings. Here, though Stolas does talk, he is very much building walls and pushing Blitz away through both his generally dismissive tone and him actively trying to walk away from them conversation. Also a thing to note is how when Stolas thanks Blitz for making him as happy as he did, the music is there, but everything but the sustained chord leaves when Stolas blurts out "I wish you the best with your business" while walking away, and completely ignoring anything Blitz has to say at all about how he feels. It only comes back when he talks about his own hurt.

The second is after Blitz is teleported away. The "feelings" character is off-screen. We shouldn't be hearing any music at all. And we don't, initially. But as Blitz screams to the sky two note play. And these two notes are the only notes that start playing while Blitz speaks in these 5 minutes, and they are the only notes (I'm pretty sure) in this scene that play where we don't immediately see/hear what could be causing the emotions that the music implies. It is here where everything Blitz has been doing to maintain the status quo breaks down. It is here that Blitz has nothing to think of to not think about him and Stolas. It is here where Blitz grapples with his own feelings about Stolas and his relationship with him.

can you see why I've been going insane for the past few hours...?

#obligatory “please don't eat me” tag #ik how controversial Vivziepop and by extension her shows have gotten #there are a lot of things that were wrong and right about both her shows #please don't call me anti-semitic or fatphobic or lesbophobic for liking these shows #i'm just a guy; please don't eat me #helluva boss #stolitz #this went way longer than I thought it would #i pinkie promise the next one won't be that long

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lirarey · 1 month ago

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See you again (chapter 4 — ending)

That evening, Jane anxiously sorted through her things, trying to put her thoughts in order. The girl is frankly not used to talking about such difficult topics. What if everything goes badly and everyone decides that she's crazy?..

"You're not crazy," it sounded behind her, "but I still wonder what's going on."

Jane turned around with a start. The last phrase happened to be spoken out loud. Carlos was standing in the doorway of her room.

"I understand that everyone sometimes wants to be alone..." The guy broke off, and she remembered that one of his fears had always been loneliness. Without realizing it, Jane was hurting him even more. "But you weren't even here at your own birthday party. And you stopped practicing magic altogether. Something happened?"

"Magic is dangerous. Even for me," she replied quietly. "Mom was right."

"You never thought that. What happened?"

"I was in reality where you're dead!" Blue flames flared up from the surge of strong emotions on her fingertips, and Jane abruptly clenched her hands into fists, calming down. "Because of this, the magic is completely out of control. What kind of fairy am I if I can't even figure out my essence?"

"Did I dead?.." He took a tentative step forward. "Another reality? Little star, what are you talking about?"

"I've been living in another one all this year. The reality where you died shortly after my birthday. One day you didn't wake up. Cardiac arrest in sleep caused by a decrease in heart rate." Turning away, Jane ran her palm over the frame of the floor mirror, but pulled her hand away, feeling the familiar tingling in her fingers. "I've never seen more mourning in Auradon in my entire life. Even those who didn’t fully approve of the opening of the barrier expressed regret. So many people gathered... Mal tried to hide her tears, but there was a tremor in her voice. Evie came without makeup for the first time. She was visibly shaking, and Doug was holding her elbow. Jay and Lonnie came up later: they couldn't find Dude anywhere. Who would have thought that he would jump into my arms. He whined so quietly. He didn't want to talk to anyone. Even Ben didn't finish his speech. Everyone was shocked."

Carlos froze, listening intently to her every word. Now he looked strangely like a Dalmatian, which his mother disliked so much. All the muscles were tense, except for the wide-open eyes. She talked and talked, recalling the smallest details, not shutting up, afraid to stumble and see disbelief in his reaction. The fire in her hands flared up every now and then, but she had to restrain himself.

"Jane," Carlos crossed the small distance between them and took the tips of his fingers, still hot from the magical fire, in his palms, "Take a deep breath. I believe you."

It's amazing how just three words can affect a person. A wave of relief swept through her body.

"I really felt bad that day. You know, it feels like your heart is falling down... I woke up because of Dude." A grin broke through the serious tone. "He said that he was hungry and offered to have a snack. I didn't feel like sleeping anymore, so I agreed. In the morning, I didn't even remember what had happened. Considering your words, the picture is starting to take shape."

"To take shape?.."

"Yes. I can't know the exact reason, but it's not for nothing that many villains were brought back to life for the sake of being imprisoned on the Isle." Carlos smiled bitterly, closing his eyes. "Maybe no matter what I do, I'll always be a villain."

A villain. Of course. How Jane didn't figure it out before? There're almost no people left who would treat guests from the Isle badly, but after all, long-term habits aren't so easy to eradicate. To live for years in a place where you don't want to go back. To find salvation only in the company of the same unhappy children. Uma criticized Ben at the time for not fully fulfilling his intentions to study the villainous descendants in Auradon, but Jane didn't forget how many problems there were with Mal, Evie, Carlos and Jay. Local students seemed to enjoy the opportunity to mock those who didn't really touch others. And, oh, horror, she was once among the abusers. A wonderful continuation of the parents came out of them. Her own birthday came under the hot hand of Audrey, who decided to join the other side. But the girl didn't want to look for the culprits, although Ben apologized for a very long time when everything was resolved, and even allocated money for a new event.

"No, you're not a villain. Everyone chooses their own side." Jane finally hugged him tightly, feeling the gusts of magic subside. "But villains can also love."

"Yes... Yes, they can," the guy repeated absently. "Because I love you."

Her heart skipped a beat. The girl knew about the existence of different languages of love, and his was definitely somewhere between actions and gifts. However, he never talked about feelings just like that. Compliments were undoubtedly present, although Jane didn't believe that she deserved all of them, but declarations of love happened in the most valuable moments.

"To be honest," she said in a broken voice, "deep down I believed that this was how it should be. That I can't love, therefore... when you... as a punishment..."

"Shhh, hush." Carlos pulled away, kissed her gently on the forehead and touched her face with his palms. "If I can be a villain who loves a heroine, then you can't only create other people's stories, but also take part in your own."

"What a heroine I am... I was just doing what I had to do," Jane replied sheepishly, not looking at him.

"My heroine." His words made her skin crawl. "A heroine who also needs rest."

"Don’t go," escaped her lips. "I understand that this is very unwise, but..."

"I'm not leaving," the guy replied with a hint of a grin. "If you promise not to tell anyone about this. I don't even want to know what the Fairy Godmother will think of me."

"Mom already thinks only good things about you!"

"Everything can change!"

And so, with jokes and tears of joy, this long day ended. But it was worth waiting for its end, at least for the opportunity to fall asleep in Carlos's arms. Touch the black and white hair, look at all the freckles on the face and listen to the measured heartbeat. It was here, at this moment, that Jane felt she could trust him completely. Maybe fate really gave them a second chance at their future together? Now the girl really believed in the personal "and they lived happily ever after."

☆☆☆

Thank you for reading this fanfic. I can't help but think that these two deserve a happy ending. Just like Cameron deserved it. This is a bright, sincere star that is probably shining at us from the sky right now. Many actors spoke well of him, and this isn't surprising.

#disney #descendants #disney descendants #descendants fanfiction #descendants 3 #descendants rise of red #descendants 4 #descendants jane #descendants carlos #carlos de vil #carlos x jane #jane x carlos #jarlos #janelos #fanfic

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little-miss-dilf-lover · 10 months ago

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Sorry for any mistakes !! 💺 anon

1) One more yoga idea!! You're doing your usual exercises when all of the sudden you feel his hands on you. "Let me help you with that, love." And he helps us stretch more (after all, he is good at stretching us, if you get what I mean)

2) If my man was so riled up just from us showing a little bit of thighs, how would he react if we send him a photo of us in lingerie??

3) His clothes are our clothes too, so we just borrow anything. His sweatpants (he def makes a comment about we're cleaning the floor with them since they're too long), shirts, dress shirts, jackets, even his socks and tie??

4) Speaking of clothes, Tan with a sophisticatedly dressed wife? Dressing up in nice suits while on missions? Helps you take off your blazer once home because he feels

5) OK JUST IMAGINE FOR A SECOND THAT HE SHAVED (for whatever reason idk), and now he looks like a baby and we tease him

6) Putting on lipstick and telling him to come closer so we can blot the excess off, so he brings us some tissues but we just start kissing him, leaving lipstick all over his face 🫠

7) (just added this one last min) about tan being a flirt, I feel like he makes some comments and lem has to shut him up because he doesn't wanna hear all that

8) This random thought that I had : "Can we watch The Intern?" "Are you serious, again?" "Can you be a fucking man and watch The Intern with me?" The wife privilege is real

9) So we talked about reader getting injured, now I'm making it about him. He survives the events from the movie and we're also left traumatized since we saw him almost die and every now and then we stare at his scar and try to not think back to that day :( and we're trying to hide our tears from him :(

10) He has that 'I don't want a cat but when I will get a cat I will treat it as if it's my child' vibe and I love him for it !!

Assassin!reader 1) AAHH imagine we have the same coat they are wearing at the beginning of the movie so we all match?? (in our size ofc)

2) And also, what would you say our codename is? It's obvs a fruit so we match with them but which one are you thinking?

3) Reader being even more of a menace over text?? They start to get worried because we aren't responding to their texts or calls and when we do, we send them something like "Sorry guys, just got hit by a car" or "SORRY the train I am in is on fire" (TRUE STORY BTW)

4) RANDOM 2AM THOUGHT!! We're on a mission and we run into another assassin who's also married (like the wolf except his wife is alive oops) and after a little bit of fighting, we just end up gushing about our lovers !!

5) So in the book, they had to go to Morioka, not Kyoto. So that sparked a scenerio in my head. After tan hangs up (it's the phone call before they meet with the yakuza, that scene) : we say "We're stopping at Morioka though, not Kyoto." "No it's Kyoto, love" "No, the destination says Morioka." We show them the details we were told, and we all start to realize there's something wrong. (Ignore the fact that we didn't tell them 😘😘)

+ more lem because we're platonic soulmates 1) I mentioned this a long time ago but imagine a convo of us trying to argue with him about how we're actually a diesel. "Think about it, you said they bluff, they're liars and the worst. That girl back in Japan fooled all of us with her act. I do the same when we're on missions and need intel!" And he's just shaking his head and crossing his arms. "Are you hearin' her right now?"

2) Sorry I'm touching on this topic again but what kind of music does lem listen to? I'd say probably ones that hype you up so much that if he were to sing you would hear it from a meter away from his car, with his windows up.

3) We get a notification from them, saying they finished the mission and will be home in 3 hours, so we send on the group chat a photo of the food we prepared and he is so pissed!! "COME ON IT'S THREE HOURS. You can't do this to me"

4) Another sms one sorry!! I hc he uses emojis randomly "Why is this man arguing with me about how many people we killed? 😻😻" (Us) "Where's my gossip buddy??" "REPORTING FOR DUTY 🤾🏿‍♂️🤾🏿‍♂️🤾🏿‍♂️🤾🏿‍♂️" "The fact that you don't understand what I'm trying to say is making me cry" "You don't know what you're talking about do you?" "NO 🗣️🔥💯😼" "BRO THE GRIP HE HAS ON THAT PHONE WHAT DID YOU EVEN SEND HIM ⁉️ Him fr: 🧍‍♂️>🧎‍♂️>🐶" "ALSO NO DON'T TELL ME WHAT YOU TWO ARE TEXTING 🤺🤺" "Wasn't planning to 😱" STOP HE DEF MAKES STORIES USING EMOJIS WHEN HE'S BORED!!

ALSO THE SMS?? ! NOT LEM PICKING 17 WHEN WE ASK HIM 😭 Also requets might get open?? AS ALWAYS NO RUSH LOVE but I just wanted to ask if you will be accepting smut?

JUST SAW THE OTHER ONES WITH TAN OML. The photo with the bathtub, we're so evil imagine we leave him on read after that 😭😭😭 I FEEL LIKE I DON'T SAY THIS ENOUGH BUT THANK YOU SM FOR EVERYTHING YOU DO ILYSM 💗💗

apologies for any in mine, I do these on my phone 😭😭

1- AAAAHH YES!!! hands on waist standing behind ‘helping’ you (I do see what you did there and im liking it)

2- if he got it in public I feel like he’d do a really long exhale, a deep kinda sigh and palm over the bottom half of his face. maybe rake through he hair (we got him all frustrated and flustered tehe)

3- that’s a given. we share clothes, ie we take his. also imagine imagine ??? he wears our dressing gowns in the morning ??? and he’s just making a tea and having a fag out the back door and he’s wearing a floral stain dressing gown (I uhm think that’s very hot) also also he wears plaid pj bottoms bc I say so and we always wear them

4- like a mafia/ mob wife ???? im seeing the vision and again im loving it

5- AAAAAHH stuff like that freaks me out. he would feel like a stranger in your house and he’d look so naked without it😭😭😭😭

6- ARFGGHH OMG THATS ACTUALLY SO CUTE ??! pink or red or brown smooches all over his face 🫠

7- yes yes yes !!! lem loves relationship gossip as much as the next, but some things he just doesn’t want to hear. I feel like lem has no filter sometimes so if he says he doesn’t wanna hear it you know it’s bad😭

8- “can you be a fucking man and watch the intern with me”😭😭😭😭 I think he enjoys your movies a lot more than he lets on. and happy wife, happy life 😌

9- he has the scar from it??????🥲☹️ he def notices the way you look at it and he reaches out for your hand, giving it a squeeze bc he knows how sad it makes you

10- I love men that love cats😩 he is one to say he doesn’t want one but loves it the most out of everyone

assassin reader

1- stop it!!! that’s so cute 🫠 so coordinated I love it

2- back when I first started writing tan I thought I was being original when I named reader cherry, turns out lots of other writers used cherry😭😭😭😭😭 I thought it was unique only to see that it wasn’t. imagine if you were from new zealand and your code name was kiwi, little bit on the nose but that would be pretty cool ngl (just thought of that so had to say lol) but I really haven’t given it much thought since that debacle

3- 😭😭😭 yes!! like one disappears and updates with the craziest things “thought I bruised my rib, turns out its puncturing my lung🤪 back in a few hours”

and wait you were on a train that was on fire????

4- awwww :(( be like “one sec my man is texting me” “yeah no problem, mine is too” “want to have a timeout— he gets funny when I don’t answer checkpoint calls” “mine does too. he calls me every 30 minutes to make sure im okay and where I need to be” 😭😭😭 and then just chat and gossip

5- damn I really should read the book

platonic lemon

1- 😭😭 love it!!!

2- yesss !!!! idk why but I cannot think of any??? but his taste is very different to tans, that I can guarantee. also lem is an avid music listener, he knows what’s popular and what’s in the charts

3- 😭😭😭 he gets hangry (it’s okay me too)

4- never be sorry!! omg yes that works so well for him and makes so much sense !!! I enjoyed reading those texts way too much😭😭 and the “him fr:” pissing

—

he’s just too impatient lmfao, didn’t even get a chance to tell him what it’s for

im gonna give you the 411… im opening then in an hour just before I go bed, shush don’t tell anyone, it’s a secret. and ofc to the smut, always always yes to the smut 😭

hehehe yesss!! it’s not our fault we misunderstood him (we didn’t, we just like to tease) he’d spam with texts until you reply

AAAAAAHHH YOURE ALWAYS SO SWEET THANK YOU :(( ILYSM 💓💓

#ask #💺#tangerine #tangerine x reader #tangerine headcanon

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saintsenara · 1 year ago

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What are your guilty pleasure tropes?

thank you for the ask @sarafina-sincerity!

forced proximity of any kind

i've answered specifically about one example of this - marriage law fics - here, but the main trope i'm a slut for is absolutely, one hundred percent, without a doubt anything which requires two people who don't want to have to spend time together having to spend time together. with sexy results.

enemies-to-lovers

let's all be honest, one's emotional investment in one's enemy is often more profound than in one's friend. let's also be honest, people become enemies because they have things in common. combine those similarities with the emotional investment? sexy results.

narrative mirror pairings

unsurprisingly, there's often quite a lot of overlap between this and the above. the harry potter series loves assigning its characters to narrative pairs whose roles in the story are the mirror images of each other, but whose personalities, dreams, desires, experiences, motivations etc. are often very similar. and the narrative mirror pairings which fall under this category are always exceptional: harry potter/tom riddle; draco malfoy/ron weasley (getting slept on because of drarry); sirius black/severus snape and so on... sexy results.

magical worldbuilding which feels magical

a lot of fan-fiction falls into one (or both) of two categories: it deals with considerably darker or drier topics (especially when it comes to thinking about how the wizarding state actually works and/or how it changes after voldemort's death) than the canon series; and it serves as a vehicle for the author to talk about aspects of muggle culture they enjoy (this is particularly the case in marauders fics and it drives me mad - none of those children have heard a single piece of cool music in their lives).

but the canon series feels so magical because the worldbuilding is incredibly whimsical, even in the darker later books. something is lost, i think, when wizarding clothing isn't ostentatious and colourful, or wizarding hobbies aren't exaggerated pastiches of muggle hobbies, or wizarding houses are devoid of eccentric kitchen appliances which talk back to you, or all wizards are immediately familiar with the muggle world. i can't express how much i respect it when authors invent their own radio plays or wizarding bands or children's toys.

and that whimsy can exist with a look at deep topics - indeed, it does frequently in one of my favourite literary genres: golden age detective fiction. in fact, i think it makes the dark themes and how they're being interrogated stand out all the clearer. which brings me to my next point...

allowing the characters to be funny

by this i don't mean crack fics - although crack treated seriously is definitely a trope i adore - but finding space for the fact that almost all of the main characters in the series - all the way along a spectrum from the main trio, to ginny, to sirius, to dumbledore, to snape, to voldemort (he's so camp! lean into it!) - are extremely funny, even when in serious situations or discussing serious things.

unfortunately, it is all too common to find - especially in things dealing with the immediate aftermath of either war - that everyone is in their widow's weeds and speaking like they've swallowed a psychology textbook. but actually, harry and ron aren't going to be sitting down for a deep and meaningful using all sorts of 'i feel' statements. they're going to be chatting shit.

[there's a bit of unsolicited advice here, which can, like all unsolicited advice, of course be ignored: this sort of therapy-speak, every-emotion-is-articulated conversational style is something which immediately gives away an author as american (generally, the sort of emotional openness which, in the usa, indicates authenticity will be read as the opposite in the uk - being very earnest is typically perceived as rude, expressing your emotional reaction to everything as fake). if you're looking for a way to make your writing sound more british, the best thing you can do is read ron, and see - as @whinlatter says in this post about him - that his sense of humour isn't evidence of immaturity or an unwillingness to confront tough topics, but evidence that he's the most emotionally mature of the trio. by quite some distance.]

ron and dumbledore being allowed to be real people

i loathe ron and dumbledore bashing. let my kings live.

and let ron be madly in love with hermione. his final form is wife guy.

redemption

i am a villain enjoyer, and i think there's nothing wrong with liking characters who remain unambiguously, unrepentantly evil.

what i like rather less is the idea that villains don't have traits, emotions, experiences, and motivations which aren't anything other than similar to the good guys.

and what i like least of all is the idea that there are some people who are so divergent from the good guys that they are unworthy of one of the most sincerely magical human abilities: the ability to redeem oneself.

yes, even draco malfoy, even snape, even voldemort. unless all of us are capable of redemption then none of us are. this is an important lesson to learn.

how these people redeem themselves, how redemption is complex and painful, how they atone, how they cope with the unmooring experience of forgiveness, how they take to their second chances, and how they stumble on the way are the topics of some of the best fics i have ever read, and i will never get free of the chokehold.

#asks answered #asenora on writing

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alittlefrenchtree · 8 months ago

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Oh, what do you mean by Taylor being a little (or very much) green? I feel like he gets excited and he rambles, which happens in lots of his interviews and bit just for RWRB, but it is so endearing and wholesome! I don't know if you were referring to that though 😂

His excited rambles are part of it, yes! They're also part of his natural personality so I hope he'll keep some of that in the long run. But you can hear that he often sounds like a kid on Christmas morning (which is really good and refreshing and why it's so precious to witness first times in an actor's journey).

I can mention a few other points that feel green for me :

-how he didn't paraphrase the part when he's talking about people who wanted to kill themselves and found relief or solace in the movie/book. Dark words like these and a couple of other I think he has used and dark things in general, aren't really media-friendly, especially when you're promoting something that is mostly light and fun. I'm not saying it's bad that he used them and maybe that's something he will want to purposely keep doing because sometimes we also need to hear reality as it is and it's obviously something that deeply touched him. But, I think a media-trained version of the same idea would have sounded a bit differently, something like "people telling me how the movie has helped them gone through a rough patch of their lives or a dark period of time" or something similar.

-how he sometimes loses the thread of what he's saying, or what the question was exactly and doesn't quite know how to wrap the answer or circle back to the initial topic. Promo is usually tiring and they have to answer to the same question 5938503 different times in a very short period of time and most people doing them end up using the same kind of outlines/patterns to answer questions. If you don't know how to answer a question, you rely on stuff that can work with everything. The director's vision, staying true to the script, etc. What I mean, is in recorded audio/video interview, they rarely come up with a brand new answer each time for each question (except Rebecca Ferguson, who has probably never actually answered to a question in her whole career and seems to come up with something new every time 😂). They rely on tools to help them. Taylor uses a few of them and sometimes... He doesn't. He starts talking and you hear him go with a flow and think at the same time as he's talking, not exactly knowing where he will end up. Hence some rambles 😁

-he walks right into the traps he sets himself... for himself 💀 He did mix up question between good kisser/who has your heart and I think it initially brought up for talking about how they handled intimacy on set and all but his way of talking about the choreographic aspect of it was... So chaotic 💀 good kisser/heart question are fun question on micro-interviews because you're not supposed to actually answer to them but joke around it to make a fun 15-second video out of it. To bring them up in a different context can feel a bit out of tune and he's like *i didn't know how to answer to them back then and I still don't know hahhaha so i'm not sure why I did mention them again in front of one of the good kisser contestant* and there was kind of the same feeling for the famous to wax or not to wax body hair anecdote. He understands where the interviewer is referring to and h'es kind enough to go there with him but at the same time, he's not really comfortable to entirely go there in a more "serious" setting (vs light joke on a red carpet) so I feel like we can hear a bit of a "hahaha fuck me" in his voice.

So yeah, there a lot of little things that feel green. Which, in case it isn't clear, isn't me saying he's unprofessional or that he's bad at doing promo or anything. Promo can be the most dull thing ever when people who do them don't know how to keep it entertaining. Having someone.. not "standardized" by years and years of promo is really refreshing. I love it to be honest. Both because it's always nice to see genuine and because they are media study candies and there are only a few things in life I like better than these. I hope he'll find a way to keep little bit of everything without draining himself too much 🙏

#alft asks #taylor zakhar perez #tzp

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demonsfate · 8 months ago

Text

Seen Pucca talking about this and I figure it's a good time for me to share my RP server horror story. Pucca's experience reminded me why I don't ever join servers at all anymore. Okay, so I was a part of this DC server (directed toward a specific franchise but y'all probs know what it is if you know my other blog) and my GOD. It was wild. One thing, people weren't all that interested in threading with me. And usually when my muse does get acknowledged, he's either treated like the butt of the joke or for ppl to "put down." (Understandable in a way since the comics themselves do that to the poor guy. But my characterization was a very serious one that I wished people would respect)

My character brags, he gets put down, my character jokes about something, he gets put down, my character gets jealous - feelings don't matter. And it'd be one thing if these were how the characters would realistically react to mine. But then there was one of the mod's characters, and he had very similar traits to mine - arrogant and all that. Except... every muse hyped him up. For some reason when my muse brags, arrogance is bad. But when this muse bragged, arrogance good. Clearly it's a bias for the mod - who was a real big problem themselves but I'll get into that shortly.

Then there was a problem with a guy who was clearly jealous of a ship I had - they tried to do all they can to catch my ship partner's attention and try to "woo them". This eventually lead into a kind polyamorous thing which I didn't want because my muse, being a super jealous type, wouldn't so easily enter one. And again, when he expressed that, he got put down. And tbf, a lotta this arise from a proper lack of plotting with the ship partner, but it still stressed me tf out.

The mod I mentioned before was a huge jerk. They clearly had a lotta money (which is probs another reason why everyone "worshipped" them) and then like a snobby rich person, they put down everyone who buys anything "cheaper". They spend HUNDREDS, sometimes even THOUSANDS, on those ball joint dolls. Then they openly teased (made fun of) me for buying cheaper figures. Even though it's like, my current mental and physical state does not allow me to work rn and also? Even if I could? Not all of us are in a position where we can afford to buy pricey af dolls. Go fuck yourself.

What I'm about to talk about is a little controversial but. A trans woman wanted to play a "gender-bend" version of a male character (but as a female) and basically the cis people gained up on her to tell her how bad she is for that and everything. She gave her reason, that playing male characters makes her dysphoric and whatnot, but then they asking her why she wants to write the character despite the fact she gave her reason over and over again. It basically ended with her apologizing after being bullied for it and saying she won't do it. This one, of course, is a touchy topic but the fact that cis people were talking over a trans person flabbergasted me.

OH YEAH, and after that... somebody wanted to "brighten the mood" so sb @ me to give facts about my character, since I was hyperfixating hard and knew so much about them (y'all know how passionate I get!) and then this other fucking person starts GUILTRIPPING ME???? acting like I'M bad because that person was interested in my muse?? And THEY start going on about how nobody cares about theirs and how I'm ""lucky""?? Despite the fact they had WAY MORE threads than I did at the time??? Like literally wtf!

And finally... the weirdest fucking thing... nude posting. Despite the fact that this is a DC RP SERVER, almost EVERYONE started posting their nudes??? Some even posting videos OF THEM GETTIGN FUCKED BY THEIR SPOUSES?! Like it's so wild, it's almost hard to believe it was real. Like I knew I felt like I was on drugs when I saw what was happening. Eventually that same mod came back and even they were like "uhhh?? guys??? Maybe let's not post our nudes in a server full of STRANGERS?? You never know what weirdos might be here??" and then that's when people stopped. But it was like... holy shit. I just never saw that happened before??? These weren't even ppl with OnlyFans or something. It was just so bizarre. And I'm ok if ppl are fine with showing off their naked bodies and stuff if they wanna. But is a RP group really the appropriate place??? Especially when there's nothing inherently sexual about the server??? Like it felt highly inappropriate to me and just weird.

It got to the point where the original creator of the server (a mutual of mine) told me how nervous the place made them and how they don't feel comfortable going on. They thought it was their fault but then I explained that it is a horrible place full of toxicity and everything. They left the server, and eventually, so did I. This isn't the only reason why I don't join RP servers anymore. There was also another where whenever I spoke about my headcanons for my character, another person who rps that character would get so fucking upset and basically try to change the topic or get me to stop talking. Or straight up say they don't agree. OR when I point out how one of my "headcanons" IS canon, they literally called original writer STUPID! (Therefore calling me stupid too because I abide by that canon???) And one time when we agreed on something they said "omg I can't believe we finally agree on something!!" and made a big deal out of it and I literally told them we didn't have to agree on anything, that our takes are supposed to be unique to oursevles and it's something they shouldn't have to worry about (or get upset about lmao) and I've had other bad experiences, but this server was just the Worst. I think there are more bad moments too, but this is all I can remember rn.

#✏️ - ᴛʜᴇ ʜᴏsᴛ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴛʜᴇ ᴍᴏsᴛ // (ooc)#vent #// tho i dunno how much of a vent this is ? 'cos i'm over it now lol #// I just wanted to share y'all some wild tales !!!

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firstdivisiongirl · 7 months ago

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Hello, Can I have a matchup please? From One piece! If not, that's totally fine!

Female, she/her, ExFJ 2w3, Leo I would prefer a guy!

I am pretty social however I prefer to spend time alone! I care about others a lot… To an unhealthy amount honestly but Im working on it! I love to help others and make them smile! :3 But I do wish I would get something for being so nice in return, yeah it might sounds greedy but I want to be appreciated! And get something nice haha, like just a compliement or something, when my helping and kindess gets unnoticed I might get upset because of how much tired I am and I just want to be a appreciated like I said before 😭 I wanted to be noticed and not ignored! I care too much what others feel and think and its tiring, I just want to be selfish sometimes and care about myself even if its sounds mean.

People call me funny! Well it all depends because everyone has different sense of humor! But I am most of the time unserious and I love to joke around, serious situations are stressful so I prefer to be joyfull, but I do like talking about serious topics (sometimes) Like I said before I love to make people smile and laugh with my jokes and overall with make them happy with presence. Its my job to make others happy <3 My humor is definitely not for everyone, its mostly humor of a 12 y/o kid which can be annoying to some people lmao (sometimes its funny how people are annoyed by it) and some other things depends on how I feel. When it comes to annoyence I also like to annoy people <3 its so fun! But I never want to make them really feel bad! Often I act like an asshole but this is just for jokes! (but sometimes I wanna be a real asshole lmao) Like I said I dont want them to actually feel bad, if I do, I will feel very guilty! When it comes to it I apologize A LOT, I apologize so much that it might too annoying but I always feel a sense of guilt inside of me. I'm also VERY sensitve and worry about everything. Ah and I'm pretty dumb and I am not trying to insult myself I am just silly hehe and I'm okay with that. Oh and Im clumsy 😭😭

I LOVE LOVE horror and scary things, I can't imagine my life without it, its just a such interesting genre that makes me happy and intrigued! I adore horror games and I'm mostly interested in them, however most of the time I am scared of playing them so I just watch gameplays and stuff like that haha. You can say I am obssesed with horror! (its funny because its easy to scare me haha) I also love cute things! Plushies, pink, clothes and other cute things! I just love it so much <3 I like games very much (I suck at them), art, anime, drawing and psychology! When it comes to music I love energetic ones! I dislike slow music but there can be some exceptions.

I dislike cooking (I love when someone knows to cook however I suck at it </3), stressful and serious situations (I stress a lot)

When it comes to looks I am around 156cm height, chin length hair with bangs, brown color eyes and I'm chubby!

Thank you so much and have a wonderful day!

Hello. Thank you for the matchup request. This one was a no brainer. There was really only one perfect match. I hope you like it!

You Got...

Monkey D Luffy!!!!!

You both have a great sense of humor and I think he would enjoy that he can laugh and joke with you.

He would be happy that you care about him and the rest of the crew. You may think it's too much, but he would think it is perfect.

He may not be able to cook, but he will get Sanji to do it for both of you.

Will insure you that you are awesome and that you don't need to apologize for anything.

Would dance with you to energetic music.

Every day with this boy would be fun!

I think he would enjoy horror movies and games. Would he be scared? No because he doesn't really understand it, but he would enjoy it.

Would want you to make drawing for on the ship. He would make you drawings too. They won't be the best, but it's the thought that counts right?

Overall, he will make you feel loved and will do anything that you enjoy. He wants to see you smile and laugh

Please do not copy, modify, translate or repost my writing on other platforms. Comments, reblogs and likes are highly appreciated!

#one piece #first division girl #one piece matchup #one piece matchups #op matchups #op matchup #character matchup

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clay-tries-his-best · 1 year ago

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FIRE FORCE SPOILERS PROBABLY!!!

a praising (???) of Viktor Licht from a fan (im not good with words bare with me please)

ok i feel like im a little obligated to say why i like Viktor Licht from fire force so much considering not only do i have a full list of every chapter in the entire manga he appears in, am on my journey of making stickers of him, and draw him practically anytime i can. my teachers this year are going to see this guy on my work just a bit. (i am lying it's going to be a lot.)

okay, im like 99% sure he's autistic. and im autistic. the autism radar is going insane whenever i look at him. if you take a look at his character sheet, which is at the back of book 10, it says something next to his nickname section that just SCREAMS autism to me.

in case you can't read it, it says, "i do understand common sense, whether or not i choose to use it." that sounds like what i, and many more autistic people have to do. i understand what's acceptable, and force myself to use it even if i think it's strange or unnecessary. also, hes only seen making direct eye contact with people he trusts, like shinra or joker. the rest of the time, he's staring, but not in the eyes of anyone. he's also very blunt with that he does. in his very first company 8 appearance in the beginning of book 7, he dives down to touch shinra's feet because he was interested in the adolla burst. in book 22 when they were in the nether, Viktor is running, turns a corner, and accidentally activated tamaki's lure. except it doesn't really bother him, because he's happy to see his company members, ignoring what he just did on accident.

again, in this panel here, he's very open with what he's wanting to see when they're quite literally infiltrating haijima, despite being right beside the security guard. shinra even comments on this, but he seems to have thought that it was a totally okay thing to say. shortly after we are told that he's aware that haijima is planning to kill him, and just talks about it like it's a regular thing to have a major company want you dead.

he also has a very active workspace, as shown here. yet, in the chapter before he's sent to the chinese peninsula, he knows exactly where his needed stuff is in the mess. that might be more of an adhd characteristic, but it seemed like a good point.

another highly regarded autistic trait is being incredibly fixated on one thing, wanting to spend all your time on it. Viktor's hyperfixation is science, and figuring out spontaneous human combustion. he's seen dedicating most of his life to figuring out why people go up in flame. it's said that autistic people excel in their chosen area of study, and of course, i think you can guess what his is.

he also has trouble regulating his voice level, usually seeming to get louder when he's excited or very nervous, like when he yells on accident in the nether the second time when he realizes that he's going to be "roasted alive". he gets all giggly and excited when talking about science in the right panel (or bottom panel??), even when it's a serious topic. he does get feedback that this is a "weird" and "inappropriate" time to be excited. sound familiar, fellow autistics??? on the left (or top! again i have no idea) he's instinctively raising his voice at shinra, wanting to know about what happened to him in adolla.

i don't have the panel yet, but in book 10, shinra and sho are fighting in the nether, right? (this book is literally THE viktor licht autism book im telling you) he accidentally gets too close, smiling and laughing once he realizes, even saying "whoopsie daisy! i got so excited, i got too close for comfort!" during this whole fight, he's watching his friend get injured in the fight, and he's worried at times, yes, but when he's explaining sho's power, which is science based, he's smiling. he even messes (stims, really.) with his hair and gets sweaty, which are both common autistic responses. as he watches shinra and his brother fight, he notices that shinra could quite literally make a black hole in the middle of the room. and y'know what he does? giggles and smiles again, saying it would be "a scientist's dream" to witness a black hole. not sure that a regular scientist would want to die getting sucked into one, but okay.

i was looking through an "autistic traits in adults" list just to make sure i didn't miss anything, and woah boy. "makes unusual or strange facial expressions". cmon. it's stated from multiple people, mostly tamaki, that the faces licht makes are weird or strange. he also used his hands when he's talking quite usually, either touching his face or using them to express urgency. mostly his face, though. another stim maybe??

there's probably more y'know cause he's just all around an autistic guy, but that's my little analysis of his autism summarized. now that i think about it this is more of a "why he's autistic because i love his autism because it gives me someone to relate to" kind of thing but i can go into that now cause that's kind of a good idea.

OKAY so y'know i really do look up to Licht because he really just makes me smile everytime i see him in the manga. im a manga-only btw if that wasn't clear already. i own the emglish omnibus books which are 3-in-1s basically and i cannot tell you how overjoyed i was that Licht got on the cover of the fourth one. i admire him in so many ways because one, hes this scary guy in the beginning that even makes shinra turn away at the tryouts, all nervous. just for them to become besties later, saving each other's lives like 9 times. hes the type of guy that I just love so much, and not romantically either. i don't want to kiss him or anything, i just want to be his friend. ykwim. maybe. but yeah, he's my favorite and he'll always be my favorite and my c.ai chats with him will forever be positive.

i highly recommend fire force by atsushi ohkubo, and may Viktor Licht captivate you as being your favorite when he makes his grand entrance in book 7! :]

#arghhh i have such an attachment to this guy #what a silly guy #viktor licht #fire force #fire force licht #en en no shōbōtai #enen no shouboutai #fire force manga #manga spoilers #manga recommendation #claysketchesstuff #im feral for him #autistic characters #from an autistic #autism #PLEASE OHKUBO CONFIRM MY DESPERATENESS

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spurgie-cousin · 2 years ago

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just to keep ranting about the Timothy thing some more in context of Christian fundamentalism (cw: child abuse mentions)

it's so wild to think about how Jill and David see themselves as not only good parents but extremely successful parents, when they were actually at minimum very very emotionally and mentally abusive to their kids. Jill wrote that post about breaking young Tim's will with a lot of pride, to her it was an example of her unwavering commitment to being a mother, and I'm sure she'd stand by it to this day and recommend it to other parents who are 'struggling' with kids like Timothy.

and I think it's important to remember that the reason she feels that way is because the values of Christian fundamentalism are inherently abusive. when conformity and compliance are valued over all other personality traits, you're just inevitably going to create an abusive environment to raise kids in. The Rodrigues kids are the way that they are because they were punished for every instance of individuality and free-thinking in their household, because their parents only accepted one possible outcome for them as adults, which was being carbon copies of themselves (except more isolated). I mean to me, that kind of expectation is abusive on it's own in any form, no matter what religion you do or don't practice.

so idk the reason i'm pointing that out i guess is because it applies to all the second gen Christian fundamentalists we follow to some degree (and some of the first gen). and this is as much if not more of a reminder to myself as anyone else, because I give Timothy and others my fair share of shit, but I think it's important to look at him through that lens every now and then to keep perspective. yea he's weird and out of touch, yea he has an extremely shallow understanding of the very serious topics he tries to rant about, yea it's very obvious he has bad social skills, but all of it was beyond his control ya know? his parents made him this way and now he has to create an adult life in a world where the default reaction to people like him is hostility or at least confusion.

and when i think about being that kind of person moving around in the secular world with no idea how to be any different and interacting with people who have a negative reaction to just that nature of who you are time and time again, I feel like it's gotta be a confirmation of the beliefs you were raised with at some point...................people 'out there' aren't like you, or don't understand what you're talking about, or call you weird and question you, and if you were so isolated as kid you have nothing to compare your childhood to (except other kids with similar childhoods) I get how it can seem like an unfair attack. You don't know what you're doing wrong or why these people don't care about their souls or where they'll be in eternity like you do (and you have no frame of reference for a life where that's NOT something you're always worrying about) so there's no other option then they must be CHOOSING to ignore god for some reason, probably bc they are inherently bad. maybe your parents were right, maybe the outside world IS bad and out to get you, maybe the only safe place is isolated from the secular world where people don't act like you're kind of strange, ya know what I mean?

obviously for some kids exposure to the outside world works the opposite way like say, for the Plath kids, but I would argue that that's only possible because their parents aren't as.......like that. if you know what i mean. idk now my brain's shorting out i better stop.

(edited to expand on stuff or change wording)

#rants #rant #religion #christian fundamentalism #reference

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alitgblog · 8 months ago

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OK got around to new episodes finally so volume viii thoughts:

i guess starting with, has casa always been this long??? maybe I'm just bored this time around? Or it's just the amount of challenges and dates they've thrown in?? (it's the latter)

I tapped through the whole moangate thing as quickly as I could because it's so boring. I can't believe there are at least two separate times they ask you to pay gems if you want the tea on the topic and I simply couldn't care less. But like it also feels like the Brad and Christy stuff and then also the Rachel stuff and the OGs love triangle or whatever, and at least some of it gives you insight on the characters, but it never really comes up and there's enough in the main story to come up with your opinions on the characters imo.

Emel getting on my nerves again. Talked about this last time, it feels odd and I don't love having every woman that's not an LI be an enemy for MC and also stuck in a shitty couple, but not completely out of character given her personality I guess, so not the worse thing fusebox has done. However, I am slowly coming around on this because actually it does feel like such a thing on love island where you watch a character you like and slowly you get annoyed by them and they do weird shit that makes you mad but it's partly because they're forced to be around these people 24/7 with cameras watching and everything. Like that's the Stanford Prison Experiment part of Love Island, so like... I'll accept it 😂😂

Anyway so dates! My MC was with Shawn who I got kind of sick of during the date, which was so funny for me personally because his hobbies are like movies and cooking, which are my hobbies. He's also very chill and serious, which is also my personality. And he's from the U.S. So. Maybe he's too much like me irl I wasn't about it.

So the date was meh because I just kept having MC pick the non flirty options and she was kind of cold, but from what I see from everyone else, the date was pretty good and I'm glad. It is weird though that at the end of it, MC gets the option to say she's not interested, and Shawn keeps trying to save it. Like the islanders talk about their dates afterward and he says their date was great and can't wait to see where they'll go moving forward. And MC is just nonplussed when Emel starts gushing about him and he's uncomfortable, trying to stay on MC's radar, but my MC couldn't give a shit.

And I understand it's to make the branching easier, but I just keep thinking like,,, if only it was S2, because then it'd be like the Lottie going after Gary storyline. Like I can't remember fully, but in my head it plays out slightly differently whether MC is flirting with Gary or not. Either way, Lottie is a little upset at MC, but sometimes she has reason to be.

Date with CLAUDIA however, went very well. I was giggling to myself because like the conversation was very forward and cute and Claudia is thinking about them moving in together and stuff? Adorable. (Actually I can't remember if this was in this date or one of the other scenes, but the fact that there's so many scenes with the female LIs being so forward is great).

Also the Bea and Claudia tension?? Like I feel like we either get one female LI or the female LIs constantly swapping out once you pick one, so the fact that they're both fighting over MC is very cool. I love a good love triangle. And it does make me want to replay with a Bea route, because I think she's so cute too. Both her sprite and her personality, and she does feel like a different character from Claudia, versus Chloe vs Bella vs Flo that all kind of have similar plotlines and therefore have a similar shell of a personality.

Speaking of Bea appreciation: her outfits! So cute. I know she's a stylist, so of course, but honestly best dressed female islander.

Actually, all the casa guys and bombshells kinda eat up the OGs in the fashion department. (except maybe Tyler, but that's only because I don't remember what he wears.) Like, Luna and Oakley are probably best dressed OGs imo, but I also kind of don't like that they wear such dark clothing in a show that takes place in the SUMMER. Like it's an aesthetic, but also it's not that interesting (like compare their fits to Najuma's)

I've already talked about this, but once again, it does feel like we're fitting so many challenges and dates in one volume and we get no chance to rest. Like there should be more downtime to chat with the islanders, but they always need to get interrupted by a challenge text for some reason. Not to mention, Mr. and Mrs. is such an odd choice for a casa challenge? Like if you think about the show, casa challenges usually compete with the other villa and are more physical so that editing the episode can be less talking and more montages. And also then you get the comparison between how couples are acting apart from each other. (which, is also a thing missing from this volume.) So Mr. and Mrs. would be just edited as a lot of people talking and too many stories to follow.

On the bright side, I completely forgot what career I chose for my MC and I was trying to think about it for the last few episodes because I like to let that affect the personality/choices she's gonna make when I play the game. And as it turns out, my MC is a musician and that made me immediately think, oh she should've been more interested in Max, but for some reason I thought she was a lawyer. Doesn't matter now.

Also fun fact my MC likes r&b and so does Claudia so ya know, just soulmate things whatever 😁

So Liam's a dick, that's not new. But I will say, I like the way they presented his faults here. Because Dylan was so clearly a villain from the get go, and then Hamish is arrogant at first but then cartoonishly gross and awful within like two episodes, and everyone got upset about the Nicolas/Jonny 180s, so the bar was low. But Liam starts off arrogant, but confident he wants Bea, and he claims to be one of those people that just always tells it like it is as an excuse to be an asshole. And you really start to feel it here. Not only that, but he doesn't listen to Bea and I think it wouldn't work if Bea just accepted it but she doesn't take his shit. ("I have a nice voice too, you should listen to it some time." BEA OMG). Then later in the volume, there are game player accusations thrown out, and that makes perfect sense to me, he's just trying to tell her the right things so he can get in the villa.

Just to talk about Bea again, but like oh it hurts me so much when Bea is like "I have to couple with someone, why not Liam?" and that breaks my heart. I want to do the Bea route just to save her from Liam. And i know she's talking about the weird thing litg is doing again where they can't just let the single islanders be single, but in my head it's her just being like "no one else wants me" and settling for this dude 😭😭

I also don't understand how this game led to a date that Emel got to pick? (also the prize doesn't make a bunch of sense since we just got dates.) Like if she won with Max, you'd think she would just go on an extra date with Max or Max would also get to pick someone to go on a date with (and he'd pick MC because he's upset and I like to be messy but like maybe you could also reject and he'd pick Bea/Claudia).

i have so many thoughts this needs a part two (not so many thoughts as much as I don't know how to be concise 😅😂)

#long one bc i'm typing on my computer instead of on my phone lol #rambling #litg s8 #litg #if anyone's keeping track: i have made no progress on that paint by numbers but was late to play the episodes anyway lmaoo

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missivesfromtroy · 1 year ago

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Gestures and the Pride Jersey-Tape Thing

I guess I start by saying I speak for no one but myself, but with things continuing apace, the urge to say something has gotten quite strong, even if it's only to myself, here on Tumblr dot com. I don't have hockey friends, my family has no history of hockey fandom. I'm a weird hockey outlier in my own life, so if I want to talk about this, I don't really have anywhere to get into it, except online. So here I be. Not because others haven't said anything, or that good points haven't been made, but because I feel like the loudest voices, both for and against, have been people who - for lack of a better term - don't have much skin in the game.

I've been reading the comments for months, watching the jubilant trolls seize this topic and run with it, regurgitate every tired cliché, exult in this mask-off moment. I've watched people push back, make arguments - some good, some not so good - and express their honest disappointment. Over and over, I've seen some variation - from both sides - of "it's only a jersey, what's the big deal?" And that's not a terrible question, but it's a simple question with a very complicated answer, one that touches on something the people in the community (and in other minority groups) know as a multi-faceted issue and a representation of something more amorphous than a shirt or being told we're "welcome," whatever people seem to think that means. Namely, the gesture of it meant some assurance of safety. And that has been stripped away because corporate NHL is worried about the brand.

But how so, safety? Let me tell you a story. It's a personal anecdote and I'm not claiming it isn't. I'm also not claiming to know what the people in the story were thinking or intending. I'm not a mind-reader. I can only tell you how the incident affected me and my experience that night. I can only tell you how that reaction informs my approach to hockey and hockey fandom, layered on top of all my other apprehensions and perceptions of hockey and hockey fandom. Not as a matter of fear, but as a matter of self-preservation - defensive driving, if you will. A sort of lifestyle mindset that certain people and groups have to adopt to move through the world in order to minimize the interference of other people's disgust with who they are in their daily lives.

Because that's what it is: disgust. But we'll come back to that. Story first.

For some background, right around the time I felt comfortable coming out more widely as ace and gray-romantic, it was 2015. Around the same time, there was a huge spike of homophobic assaults in Dallas' gay neighborhoods. Those assaults, which continued well into at least 2017, were specifically targeted at the community and resulted in damaged storefronts and serious injuries like concussions, stabbings, fractured eye sockets and skulls, and even one person being thrown onto a fire.

(To my knowledge, the only people ever arrested in the years following were two men who pled guilty to a separate campaign of targeting men on Grindr for muggings and homophobic attacks. These assaults were said to be perpetrated by a range of people, not just one individual or group of individuals. Still, no arrests.)

Sure, I lived in Fort Worth at the time, a fifty-minute drive from the Oak Lawn neighborhood. But Fort Worth is also more conservative than Dallas per capita and just in general, culturally. And I was already well aware that my gender non-conforming appearance, mild as it was on the scale of gender nonconformity, was losing me jobs and getting me attention that was dismissive at best and outwardly hostile at not-best. So I was careful coming out. I could lose work at first - I made a gradual switch of my employers and clients to prevent this. I told individual people, but didn't broadly share my identity with social groups, especially ones that had folks in them who advertised their “Southern pride” or GOP perspectives. I wasn't fully out until I moved to LA. Not because hate doesn't happen here, but because it's less culturally tolerated and worker protections are worlds better. The community was bigger too, even for aces. The relief of not having to watch out for yourself quite so aggressively was immense. Imperfect, but an improvement.

A year ago, in the 2021-2022 season, I made a point of going to the Pride Night game for my hockey team, the LA Kings, playing the Nashville Predators. There were guests, a special free hat giveaway, a community member sang the anthem, and the players wore warm up jerseys and used rainbow tape during warmups. It was nice to see, "welcoming" in a tangential sort of way. It was a gesture - minimal, but a gesture nonetheless. Of course, the players were participating as much as the organization provided ways to participate and it was all an initiative, but we'll come back to why that still actually matters, even to someone as cynical as I am.

Some time in the second period, a pair of young women who were sitting along the glass in the next section over to my left got on the jumbotron. They seemed to be a couple, or at least enough of a couple that they kissed for a bit while on camera. They were young and attractive, seemed to be there deliberately for Pride night, and followed the kissing up with dancing together during the breaks in play. They got on the jumbotron for the dancing at least one more time.

I wouldn't have thought anything more about it except that I became aware in stages that a trio of men to my right — in my row, but a few seats away — had become...intensely interested. There were two older men, retirement age, and one younger man, probably in his 30s. They weren't, to my recollection, wearing team-specific gear.

Now, lots of men come to games in multi-generational groups or in just their street clothes from earlier in the day (it was a weekday), so that wasn't odd. And I’ve of course overheard the “joke” over and over when the audience engagement part of the ice crew comes out that this is some dude’s “favorite part of the game.” While these sorts of comments are tiresome in the extreme, I’m not clutching my pearls over here any time some guy decides everyone in the vicinity needs to know he finds twenty-something, tightly-clad women sexually attractive. (To the Kings’ credit, they also have male audience engagement ice crew members, and the actual ice crew is dressed casually post-pandemic.)

What was odd was that the older men had the younger man film the two young women dancing from where we were sitting. The younger man was also instructed to take a picture of a gay man — a VIP guest, I believe, but not one I recognized — who rode on one of the Zambonis between periods. There was also a LGBTQIA+ veteran there as the usual "Hero of the Game" honoree, who was shown at least once on the jumbotron dancing with his guests (who were wearing queer-coded outfits), he in his uniform and all, clearly having a good time. That sparked a spirited conversation amongst the men in my row, not all of which I could hear because, y'know, a loud stadium with a hockey game going on. It captured their attention, I'll say, rather than hazarding a guess as to what exactly their take was.

Essentially, these three men were paying a lot of attention to the people who were visibly queer at the Pride Night game. Now, I've reasoned with myself since that maybe the older gentlemen were themselves members of the community and were reacting with enthusiasm. (Why they’d want video of the girls dancing, though — well, that’s where that reassurance falls apart.) In the moment, I lost track entirely of the game in front of me and became very aware that I was at the game alone. And that I was in the same row as these men, who were paying undue attention to queer-presenting folks and even recording them specifically. Situational awareness red flags were going off left and right, is what I'm saying. Enough so that I made sure I was following them out after the end of the game and not the other way around. Enough so that I kept an eye on those young women until I saw them get out of the building. Enough that I made sure I kept moving with the crowd on the way back to my car. Enough that I can't even remember if the Kings even won that night, just those men and the wariness that colored the back half of the evening for me.

I do remember a kid on the jumbotron waving the cheaply made Pride night themed hat after a goal, his parents cheering in the background. I remember seeing lots of cis-het presenting people wearing those hats. I remember initially feeling like the crowd had shown up knowing what night it was and that it would be a predominately supportive environment. I remember a warm feeling going cold and sitting still and trying to not draw attention. I remember creating a couple of exit and emergency plans in my head if I needed them. Later, I remember considering trading games for the 2022-2023 season’s Pride night game and deciding against it, even before all of this began, even knowing I sit in a different section now and that I never saw those men again for the rest of that season. Still, I opted to trade for the Dustin Brown retirement night instead. And I remember regretting missing out on the amazing Pride night jerseys the Kings wore for 2023 — seriously, not making a small commercial run of those? C'mon, now.

(Much love to the season ticket holder who very clearly wore the jersey he got from this year's Pride night auction to seemingly every game of the rest of the season. Those jerseys were amazing and deserved to be seen.)

Now, there's a very real argument that nothing happened, that I might have been reading into things. The problem of course being that there was no way of knowing that for sure unless something really did go pear shaped in some way. But after growing up in Texas and spending a lot of my early adulthood there, I know as well as anyone that a lot of racism and queerphobia and xenophobia and even misogyny is quiet in public — it's attention paid and hushed conversation in undertones and scoffing quietly until the doors are closed. Right up until it isn’t.

And that night, those men were giving that exact energy, whether or not they knew it or intended it that way. The recordings and photos taken rated a notch higher on the volume than usual and really tipped things over into a place I couldn't ignore.

And that's what I mean by "safety." That need to be on guard, to watch your back, and to spend more of your mental capacity at any given moment waiting for someone to lash out at you because, on some level that you can't control, they think that you deserve it. A lot of folks would assert that safety was never really at issue here, that I am making a mountain of a molehill. Fair enough, but that's exactly where the gestures and the Pride nights and the jerseys and the pride tape come in, if you'll stick with me.

There's a great episode of the first season of Welcome to Wrexham that deals with the masculinity and multi-generational bonding that is pro sports for its fans. It talks about how, for lots of men, they experience their highest of highs, their core formative male bonding moments with fathers and grandfathers and uncles, and are allowed to express their lowest lows in the context of sports fandom. It's an interesting thesis, though obviously incomplete in some ways. I'd say one of the incompletions has to do with the valorization of the players themselves as archetypes of ideal manhood.

Young, in peak physical condition, revered for their toughness and grit and highly specialized skill sets, often wealthy (at the highest levels of the sport, as in the NHL), well-dressed but still physically imposing, locally famous and in demand, with the perceived ability to sleep with, date, and marry the most beautiful of women and support their families to lavish, affluent lifestyles. Is this not the idealized modern North American man?

I think we can all generally agree that folks flock to sports fandom not just for love of the game, but for all sorts of reasons. One of those reasons is because it is a form of storytelling about how life could be, a sort of modern adventuring lifestyle that falls in line with all the things we tell men and boys they should try to become.

Now, of course, this manifests differently depending on age and other factors. Little kids, especially kids who play hockey, make heroes of players in different ways and for different reasons than teens and adults. Little kids, after all, value different things when they evaluate "coolness" than do teens and adults. For our purposes here, then, let's leave the hero worship of small children and kids aside and instead focus only on the ways in which players are role models to teens and adults.

In some ways, it's not quite fair that we make role models out of very young men, barely out of their own childhoods, who've spent much of at least the last ten years of their lives primarily focused on physical supremacy in their chosen sport. They won't have met many people or had many experiences outside that arena, though they may indeed have — strictly speaking — done more traveling and working shoulder-to-shoulder with people from other parts of the world than their average age mate. But we can all agree those engagements are still within the insular realm of hockey, where everything is pulling in that one direction.

They're asked to grow up fast in some ways while simultaneously living in a social bubble of sports, sports culture, and sports people. Still, young pro athletes have hit the lottery of time, resources, and genetics to enter a tiny, highly competitive professional field in the, let's face it, wider entertainment industry. That comes with a degree of public interest in and attention to their choices, actions, and behaviors. They become role models and idols by mere virtue of the fact that they are highly visible to the public and have more access to a broad platform. Players advertise things quite literally at times - gear and services and such, obviously. Sometimes, that's by virtue of team level contracts and sometimes, they are individually contracted as spokespeople.

None of this is new information, but I can hear the furious clacking of keyboards now, in a comment section somewhere on The Athletic or Deadspin, confidently asserting that "if you make decisions based off what a player does, then you're an idiot." This is the standard rebuttal to the argument that entertainment public figures like actors, musicians, pro players, etc. are role models; that to be influenced by a public figure is foolish. It is, of course, quite a foolish assertion in itself. It leans on the practical understanding that to literally and unthinkingly do what someone tells you is foolish, while ignoring that the vast majority of decisions people make, even just around sports fandom — like which jersey number to buy, as a for instance — are highly influenced decisions.

Sure, your personal taste comes into play, but there's a reason advertisers pay to have their logo on the ice or to have an deer-in-the-headlights 24 year old winger deliver a line of ad copy in his flat-est monotone against a white background. It's because they lend a sense of legitimacy to the brand, a sense of authenticity. Hospitals and insurance companies pay AEG top dollar to heavily imply that the LA Kings players get their medical services. That kind of bump, over and over again, says that "hey, these guys who need to be in top physical condition and often get injured, well they vouch as a team for this medical system. Maybe that'll work for me." We all know this is happening, all the time. There's no shame in being influenced, but so too is there no honesty in pretending that there isn't influence being traded on.

So, here are these young men — archetypical ideals according to Western standards of wealthy, predominately white, young, heterosexual, “red-blooded” men who have a physical-but-cool job and access to absurd resources and beautiful women — and the teens and adults who watch them track their stats, their accomplishments, their successes. In a lot of ways, they're interchangeable to the wider fanbase, especially as stat-tracking has become ascendant. Still, and very much in hockey specifically, there is a culture that projects goodness and a specific kind of virtue onto these players. There is an admiration that fans and the public more generally have for players. Team social media posts their outfits, their workouts, their relationships. It is not the hero worship of children, but they are role models for their adolescent and adult fans all the same. Their approval, for lack of a better word, comes to matter, comes to model what is cool, what is good, what is acceptable.

You see where I’m going with this? A player, wearing a jersey, says “this is acceptable.” A player, wrapping his stick in Pride tape, says to that audience of teens and adults, “hey, don’t be a dick, because these people are acceptable.” It says that disgust and displays of disgust are not acceptable. (There's that word again!) Sure, he only does it for a couple of minutes on an unaired portion of the in-arena game night production, but it says to those three guys to my right on that Pride Night, “hey, you won’t be in step with us players and the team as an institution if you bring homophobia to the table with your fandom.” It says to people in the community, “hey, you don’t have to keep your interest in the team at home, you can be enthusiastic about hockey without fear of backlash that you’re not ‘right’ for the sport.”

Is that a flimsy assurance when said aloud? Sure. The truth of the message is paper thin even on a good day when you pressure test it in the real world of the men’s hockey universe. But we’re talking about the unspoken conversations that happen around the appearance of inclusion and welcome. The appearance of welcome is a powerful thing when it comes to increasing the level of safety the community feels in approaching hockey in-person. Because that appearance acts as an unspoken buffer; it says “if you jump the queer person in your row after the game because they don’t ‘belong,’ we the team might take your in-person hockey rights away because we align with being welcoming.” The conglomerates running the hockey teams decided to align with being welcoming rather than exclusive and openly disgusted by diversity because they want revenue from every kind of group they can get — what is capitalism if not the pursuit of endless growth, amirite? But the players, the coaches, the staff — they can, if they choose, use their platform provided by the late-stage capitalism of the sports entertainment industry, be visible examples of the welcome provided to anyone who enjoys the sport. They can provide that extra incentive, with their unspoken indication of acceptability, to not be a dick outwardly, even if you’re a dick inwardly. And that makes the community safer, even beyond the realm of hockey, because these men are the ideal, right?

If your heroic ideal of manhood says being a dick isn’t part of the ideal, well, some people will still be dicks. There were plenty of apologists during this whole conversation that declared with their whole chests that they don’t think any of the current hockey players really believe in broad acceptance or inclusion — they are, as the assertion goes, just putting on the uniform handed to them and making nice for the cameras because it gets butts in seats, which is part of their job.

And yeah, that’s probably true for a lot of the guys on a lot of the nights. “Here’s a St. Patrick’s jersey, have a great game, Kopi, our proud Slovenian captain.” I’m sure Kopi pulls the sweater on and then off again for most of these theme nights while running game strategy in his head and thinking no more about it, kind of like all of the non-American, non-Canadian players stand during the national anthems trying not to be too obvious that they’re just waiting to get going and hoping their muscles don’t start to cool as they all stand around for a few minutes listening to someone warble out an anthem they don’t identify with.

And, in specific terms for the Pride jersey brouhaha, don’t think it escaped my notice that Vladislav Gavrikov wore a Pride jersey in Philly the night of Provorov’s abstention and then wore a Pride jersey again after being traded to the Kings a few weeks later — all without a peep. I don’t have any idea what his personal opinions are, except that he wasn’t taking it personally or publicly that he was asked to participate on either occasion.

These things are gimmicks a lot of the time, a way to spice up the in-arena production and reach out to other communities in the host team’s city. That’s not a bad thing. It’s just a thing. Going to a pro game with no bells and whistles at all, on the production level of a kids’ municipal soccer team match, wouldn’t justify the ticket price. They have to make it an event, but that event needs to draw in the curious and the on-the-fence, not just the die-hards. Which means you need to make a gesture to those groups that aren't already bought in, or who are rightly wary of your in-group culture.

But we also live in a culture that highly esteems authenticity, so there needs to be more than a vague gesture — which is where the outreach and the initiatives come in. You couldn’t just say “Hockey fights cancer,” and do nothing else about that statement. It would be insincere in the extreme, right? So there’s a fundraiser, there’s outreach to the communities affected, there’s visibility for survivors — there’s some authenticity to the gesture, even if, at the end of the day, it’s a corporate gesture.

So, a level of authenticity in the gesture and the idealized image demonstrating acceptance. This is what the Pride jerseys and the Pride tape mean. They mean, in the simplest terms, a visible lack of disgust for difference. Are they incomplete efforts? Yes, but they are efforts. They are a projection of safety — of the intention of safety — for the community to join in the sport of hockey in public. That’s so very far from nothing, and the loss is substantial when they’re taken away from the most visible part of hockey: the players on ice.

So here's where we get back to disgust. The thing that drives, for instance, the 2015-2017 homophobic attacks in Dallas, the 2010s serial killer of gay men in Toronto, and others, is cultivated disgust that has been set loose and targeted at someone who does not conform to whatever is the attacker's idealized way of life. This disgust is taught, but it always needs a catalyst or an excuse to be expressed. So, here comes religion, politics, or a desire for unchallenging homogeneity to preserve an artificial sense of order. Whoever fails to adhere becomes an object of encouraged disgust.

So now we have an excuse (and often the originating instruction itself) for the disgust to act itself out, for the "other" to be punished with everything from ostracization to outright violence. This seems extreme? Consider Reimer's bland Evangelical-Christianese statement trying, as is so often the case, to have it both ways:

"...I have no hate in my heart for anyone and I have always strived [sic] to treat everyone that I encounter with respect and kindness. In this specific instance, I am choosing not to endorse something that is counter to my personal convictions which are based on the Bible, the highest authority in my life. I strongly believe that every person has value and worth and the LGBTQIA+ community, like all others, should be welcomed in all aspects of the game of hockey."

In essence: I love everybody and I respect everybody, but I just can't get behind wearing this jersey. Right? But the thing is, if you're allowing your disgust, however latent or unacknowledged, to dictate to you that you may be intolerant of the acceptance or the presence of the outward visibility of another group of people, then that's ultimately intolerance. You can't make the rational argument that it isn't.

(And before anybody jumps down my craw about "oh, well, it's always progressive people who want tolerance, but then are intolerant to those who don't agree," listen, bud. You and I are neither of us going to pretend you haven't heard of the Paradox of Tolerance on Tumblr dot com. Let's not be silly.)

Now, I think I speak with a lot of marginalized folks of one kind or another that we would rather have the James Reimer statement, that players self-identify as someone who is ultimately intolerant — someone who harbors this unchallenged disgust — than to be given a sugar coating of sameness and a big branded curtain for all individual beliefs to hide behind. I'm all for continuing to wear jerseys and individual players just opting out of wearing the themed jerseys during warm-ups and wearing their game jersey instead. If that's what the players want to do, by all means, tell me that you harbor this deep-seated disgust for who I am or who someone else is and that we are not adhering to your idealized concept of the "correct" way to be human.

But, in this effort by Bettman and Co. to protect and shield the NHL from any possible scandal or discussion of difference or question of professed ideals for the industry by simply refusing to acknowledge that friction may exist, Bettman has — in effect — done exactly what the Paradox of Tolerance grapples with. He has allowed intolerance to take over the supposedly tolerant atmosphere and win out over a model of broad acceptance.

And all of this in an effort to keep players from being individuals with individual personalities and beliefs that might challenge the primacy of the NHL brand overall. The community loses safety for the maintenance of a corporate brand. Every community loses inclusion, acceptance, and safety for the maintenance of a corporate brand. That’s the bit to get cynical over; not the fact that they ever made the gesture in the first place, but that the brand, the cup, the club is so flimsy that it can’t take the individualism of the players employed by it.

People would much rather know from a player abstaining from a special jersey during warm-ups, unpunished by fines but still visible, whether they’re safe with them, rather than for the NHL to cover everyone up and make fandom for marginalized folks an absolute crap shoot again for the sake of the brand. Since we were talking about unspoken gestures before, this too is an unspoken gesture — that queer people in particular are less important than the brand, and that the NHL’s professed commitment to broad inclusion is as flimsy as wet cardboard in a hurricane.

And it’s not just fans who are hearing that — it’s players too, current and future. Why struggle against an obviously antagonistic tide in hockey if there’s no commitment, even just a gesture, to your safety and acceptability within the sport? Lots of players of various communities have fought back against that tide and succeeded, but so, so many have given up and walked away. It should be a little less cute and little more concerning how many dynasties and sibling groups are in the NHL. It’s a ready indication that the pool of pro candidates hasn’t gotten all that much wider in the last twenty, thirty years. The next twenty aren’t looking all that much better at present.

And, if it needs saying, Bettman and Co. have also stripped out players' ability to express their tolerance and enthusiasm for diversity in the sport. Players no longer have the ability to do the most visible part of the supposed gesture of NHL tolerance, the "hockey is for everyone" demonstration, however limited it was. If the players, at least a handful of them, aren't buying in, then shut it all down and revert to the ironclad homogeneity of the NHL as squeaky clean, predominately white "good ol' boys" who never have a public-facing opinion that isn't in hockey PR speak. Individualism is dead from all sides and all we got is this lousy t-shirt. Oh, wait.

Although we know that's breaking down anyway. Although we've already heard individual players don't want to be gagged on this subject or on any of the other community subjects. I have to imagine the Hockey Diversity Alliance isn't liking the headwinds coming out of this kerfuffle.

But what about players being "cancelled," you say? First, point me to a person who's actually been cancelled. Second, it is impossible for a minority group of fans to do anything to these guys except not like them. They're all insulated within the hockey world. Nothing that gets said is going to really rattle that insulation. Sure, there could be one crazy outlier, but for the most part, these dudes probably wouldn't even notice a difference.

And, as to the "keep politics out of sports" argument: being alive is political. If you haven't figured that out yet, it's because the politics of life have mostly been in your favor up to this point. Maybe look around a bit and figure that glaringly obvious reality out for yourself.

So sure, it’s just a shirt. Sure, it’s just tape. Why does it matter? It matters because it’s a huge step back. It matters because it rescinds the most important part of the gesture — that the team will use their platform and briefly model the acceptability of diverse people into the sport. Everything else is happening offscreen, if you will. It’s big tax-deductible checks and handshakes and press releases, most of which the fans never look at, hear about, or pay attention to. But the players, if they choose, could be highly visible, could participate in the loudest gesture the NHL seems capable of making — that of the players making practice shots while studiously ignoring fans for ten minutes — and the NHL brand got scared by any indication that their players might be individuals and took that away.

So yeah, it matters. And it is extremely disheartening that 7 dudes just made the whole prospect of going to games that much more dicey for people in marginalized communities, especially the queer community.

TL;DR Gary Bettman sucks.

#long post #nhl #pride jersey #lgbtq community #hockey #hockey is for everyone #in theory #la kings #los angeles kings #thinky thoughts

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