#“gross cover up those tiddies man”

[atlas-the-bastard]

obssessed with zoros fit on upper yard in the skypiea arc. the blue singlet. the backpack. the fucking GOGGLES. iconic.

[torizcafe]

order #1 — "Hi!! Uhm Can I request Scaramouche and Pantalone Aftercare Hcs? I know your still new to all this but I saw your old account and I love your works!"

characters — Pantalone x Reader, Scaramouche x Reader

genre — Fluff, Semi-Nsfw

warnings — Semi-Suggestive, Sexual themes

notes — EEK! First post! Feeling kind of silly that its Semi-Nsfw but oshh... I cant wait to post more! Btw are we still like saying scaramouche or.. :3

Scaramouche —

Hmm okok so this is Scaramouche we're talking about right?

Wouldn't be surprised if he left to go get himself cleaned in another room and have someone else clean you..

BUT for the sake of this!!

This can go two ways..

I think he'd be really soft and cuddly... Little spoon scara..

Like he kind of uses sex as a way to let his anger out but like he knows that its also a way of showing love so he's scared to hurt you..

So like hes sure to give the best cuddles after and make sure he didn't actually hurt you..

You'd probably (better be) loving it but your all gross and sticky so your prying him off of you..

"You can take a bath later..."

Its final you like HAVE to stay there..

Like he has let down every single wall ever.

After napping he finally takes you to a bath..

I feel like he doesn't care as much to make it so 'Romantic' or 'Pretty' since hes tired but that doesn't mean the aftercare is any worse!!

You both would get in the bath because you both were sweaty and sticky and stuff..

More during the bath his mean facade comes back (sadly?)

The other way though...

Hes a total pain in the fucking ass and is attached to you but never letting you get anything done.

OVERALL!!! 9.5/10 because im biased! but if im honest 8/10 like SOFT SCARA....

Pantalone —

Okok so all I know, rich, business, man with hot man tiddies.

Hes like hella rich obvi so he has like 10 different people getting a bath ready

General Hc though he probably calls you darling.

Like he wouldn't leave you to do his own thing he takes the bath with you in-between his legs.

OR you take a nap while the bath is getting ready and he gets cleaned up then.

If hes inside the tub or not his hands and lips are all over you.

He probably doesn't even have to check for you being hurt. Infact you are FAR from hurt!

Those bite marks he left?? Whats that lmaoo

Infact for every Harbinger you'd probably have so many bite marks you don't bother covering them yk..

too much work if they're just gonna return the same night.

but litterly you'd be living my dream.

He'd have all the good products and your hair would be so fluffy...

Another general hc I think you guys would play with each others hair when cuddling...

Like he has hair thats long enough to do like something silly that couples do!

Okok overall rating... 9.8/10 0.2 points off because he’d probably have to cut it short because he has to go do some fatui paperwork..

tag listzz- None yet lmao

[lale-txt]

🍆 online dating headcanons: supernovas

[part 1 w/ Whitebeard pirates]

a/n: i have too much fun roasting your favorite little crime men, so here's part 2! and don't worry, there probably will be a sequel to that, too...

Luffy

this boy has the dating profile of a 67 year old man

it's mostly photos of cool bugs

or him holding the cool bugs, covering half of his face with them (some look a bit arty by accident because they're so blurry bc this boi is fast af when he is excited for something)

i feel like he is someone who overuses emojis A LOT and out of context too. they almost sound cryptic

🦔🧦🤼🔑👁‍🗨🟧🏴‍☠️

WHAT DOES IT MEAN BRO

you'll never know

he doesn't know either

you can keep the conversation going by mentioning that you're a foodie and like some good meat

wink wink

but don't complain if he takes you out to an all you can eat restaurant and the thing getting eaten is everything except you

Zoro

your typical fitness bro

all of his pictures are just mirror selfies from the gym wtf

granted, he knows his good angles

start the conversation maybe with a good recipe for a protein shake? idk i have not once in my life matched a fitness bro so don't take my advice maybe

if you start texting, expect a lot of thirst traps straight from the gym, lots of sweat, a shirt pulled up a bit to show off his 16-pack or whatever (if he even bothers to wear a shirt), a photo from behind to show that his back is very beefy too

but don't be fooled because he will sent them to his whole contact list and his fitness account with 500k followers

you just know he has "no PAINZ no GAINZ 💯" in his bio

so take that to your heart and text him anyway even though it's a pain in the ass, it will be rewarding in the end

if you're looking for a fuck buddy this is your mans

Law

his photos just scream dark academia. they also scream "i'm your thoughtful mystery lover with the sexy finger tattoos" and also "please heal my broken heart while we listen to Evanescence together"

but in reality he is just very tired and people mistake it for a lifestyle

Bepo takes all of his photos and edits them, he has a really good eye

one photo is the doctor posing naked in front of a chimney fire on a bear rug (it's not a regular bear rug but Bepo who is very good at photoshop)

it wasn't even Law himself who created his online dating profile but Penguin & Shachi because they agreed their captain needed a bit of support in those things, Law was just too tired to object (and maybe they were right after all...)

he's a busy man and you need a really good hook up line to make him text you back

"i think you've stolen my heart, give it back" isn't one of them

talk to him about gross medical things maybe or how much you hate bread (even if it's a lie)

just don't try sexting with him because you will get a lot of anatomical terms and a very long paragraph that sounded sexy in his head but reads like an user manual

overall a very nice match if you're into emo boys with tragic backstories that just have written "fix me if you can" all over their face

Kid

ahh yes, the little kinky man

of course you can find him on the naughty online dating sites where you can look for your next fuck buddy, pet or a sugar mommy/daddy/questionable parental figure

his photos are thirst traps of course, half of them mirror selfies with flash on

doesn't care about censoring, his junk is OUT, why hide it

will text you "wyd?" and "send nudes" within two seconds

foolish of you to think that one nude with a tiddie out would satisfy him, this little racoon is greedy af

just know that at one point he accidentally created a group chat with all of his matches, believing he would message them "i'm so hard for u" individually

he never recovered from that

Kid gets matched by mean lesbians A LOT (no wonder, he looks like one too)

it happens so often that he pulls Killer to the side, asking with a stern look on his face: "be honest. is there anything about my appearance that screams 'i want to get pegged' because apparently people feel that way about me"

Killer thinks a little bit too long and almost gets thrown overboard

Killer

the mysterious masked man

usually one would barely get matches without their face revealed, but it's probably his luscious long blonde hair and all the shirtless photos that give him countless matches anyway

who doesn't love a faceless ideal fantasy to project their deepest desires on, isn't that what dating apps were created in the first place

just never jokingly ask what's underneath the mask or else you'll get unmatched immediately

maybe ask him about his hair routine or favorite pasta place in town instead

or his favorite youtube channel Pasta Grannies

he would be the best to have long, meaningful conversations with on the dating apps

until he deletes his profile out of the blue, leaving you wondering forever 'what if...'

that is until you match him again

and again

yes again

he's a serial matcher

[sleepdeprivedheretic]

When you got time, can you do nsfw alphabet for Hawks? 🥺👉👈

Heck yeah! I never did one of those, so this might be a little off, but! I’ll try my best, Anon ;)  This is the dirtiest thing I’ve ever wrote, but it was pretty fun, so heed with caution.

A = Aftercare: I think he’s a sweetheart who’ll understand that dried up cum is a gross no-no. Like, he’ll wipe you down and himself gently and just cover you up with his wings and snuggle.

B = Body Part: His favorite part of your body? Thighs. He likes chicken thighs and he likes your thighs, but yours he’ll be kissing, sucking, and fucking between them. 

C = Cum: I can see him cumming in spurts. Like not a giant big fat load, but a lot of spurts that can last a few seconds.

D = Dirty Secret: I can see him getting off by wearing lingerie, like it doesn’t matter who his partner is, he feels sexy in them and anybody he’s with can probably appreciate it.

E = Experience: Given that he’s pretty busy with being a pro-hero and has worked hard all of his young life, I don’t see him having much experience. Of course he’s a fast learner ;)

F = Favorite Position: Any one that his wings don’t get ruffled during the hot mess. Like missionary or side fuckin’. As long as his partner is screaming his name, I think he’d be fine with anything, tbh.

G = Goofy: You bet that this birb man will tell stupid jokes and funny remarks while the two of you are doing the devil’s tango. If he’s not joking, then it’s because you asked him not to or if it’s a rare case of rough sex.

H = Hair: He isn’t too hairy, like I can imagine some chest hair, and the hair down there isn’t too crazy. He does like to groom himself and keep himself neat and tidy.

I = Intimacy: You bet he’s one for intimacy. Sure he might tell jokes or some remarks, but he’ll mostly praise you as his hands are intertwined with yours as he either fucks you or you fuck him slowly with him gauging your every expression.  

J = Jack off: Will probably mutual masturbate with you, or in the shower alone. 

K = Kink: Lingerie, power play (either he’s sub or dom), dirty talk, maybe some bondage, pegging. He’s up to what his s/o wants, honestly, and he’s very adaptable.   

L = Location: If he’s into any public sex at all, it’d be in the woods or somewhere private. He doesn’t want anybody else seeing or hearing you, because birds of prey don’t like to share ;)

M = Motivation: You could just be wearing his shirts, tbh and he’d get in the mood. Like especially if you use his shampoo or body wash and smell like him, it’s like “dessert” is offering itself to him, you know?

N = No: He’s not really into dub-con play, or where you’re not sure if you’re feeling up for it. Like, it just doesn’t fit well with him. 

O = Oral: Loooves performing on you. You, a squirming hot mess because of him and his talents? Yes please. Like he doesn’t mind you doing it to him, but he likes your reactions, better. 

P = Pace: Mostly slow at first, and then it picks up. Like on rare days if his partner asks him to just go rough on them, he wouldn’t mind, either. 

Q = Quickie: Speaking of which, it doesn’t really happen that often, unless he’s in a super hot mess or his partner is and he and them both both want to scratch that itch.

R = Risk: He’s willing to do almost anything whatever his partner is willing to do, tbh. Like, he’s open to ideas and likes to explore his partner in new ways, more.   

S = Stamina: A lot, actually. His wings are constantly flapping, carrying his body weight around for a while, so he’s use to reserving stamina and such so he doesn’t fall to the ground. He’ll probably go many rounds, and if his partner is done fully before him, he’ll clean them up and finish in the bathroom. 

T = Toys: I can see him liking them being used on him, more. Like his partner riding him while he has a dildo within him type of situation. Wouldn’t mind if his partner wanted to use toys on themselves, though. 

U = Unfair: He wouldn’t mind denying his partner’s orgasm if it meant them begging his name while they’re near tears. Drawing them so close to that edge, and then denying them is interesting to watch. Of course, he’ll let his partner finish first before him, but he’s a bird of prey, he likes to see the struggle, a little. 

V = Volume: I think he’d only be loud at the end of his orgasm, grunting out his partner’s name loudly as he cums. If his partner is loud and screaming, he might invest in sound-proof walls.

W = Wild card: Likes his hair being pulled as his partner’s wetness is dribbling down his chin and they’re moaning out his name as they’re super close to cumming on his face.

X = X-ray: He’s well built underneath his clothes, with twink tiddies and a dick that’s long and slender, resembling that of his feathers. Could pass as a twink, though. 

Y = Yearning: Like he’s not desperate to fuck you every second, but he’ll take any opportunity from his busy work schedule if he can.

Z = Zzz: He’s not too tired, after all, he’s use to reserving stamina. However, if his partner can somehow outlast him, he’d be dead-set on skipping aftercare and just go right to sleep with cum splattered all over the sheets and him.

 Hope you liked it, Anon! It was pretty fun, I’m starting to like our wholesome birb man a bit better ;)  

[autisticmob]

HELLO everyone i am now ten days out from my tiddy surgery so i think while everything is still fresh-ish in my mind I should get a rough timeline of how things went for me, just so anyone having similar stuff done in the future can have it as reference?? 

so under the cut is how shit went down, warning we are gonna be tmi about it for Max Information Dissemination, i will be talking about IV placement, Needles, Bleeding, Bruising, Bathroom Stuff In General, etc. so like. Be Warned.

OKAY SO what did i have done and how did i get it:

- i got a bilateral breast reduction with a “T,” “keyhole,” or “anchor-shaped” incision. this procedure, unlike double-incision top surgery, does not detach your nipples at all, but it DOES leave a decent hunk of breast tissue behind to avoid the nip graft. this connecting tissue keeps your nip attached and supplied with enough blood to survive. that means with this one, theres basically a limit to how much they can take off, and it depends on how big you are to start off with. 

- i went with the T-incisions because as a NB person, I wanted to sidestep the “gender-confirming surgery” route with my insurance. technically, I believe it would have been covered if i had gone through the process of talking to a therapist and getting a note that the surgery WOULD help confirm my gender, but i suspect it would have taken much longer, and I was afraid that my doctor and community resources would not have ended up approving me FOR the surgery since I don’t exactly fit the typical trans narrative. and luckily for me i had Massive, Spine-Bending G Cup Tiddies to contend with. so every doc that took a look at me said “yeah, you need those taken care of for medical reasons.” so i thought hey, let’s see how far this will get me!

- i talked to my primary care doc about my back pain and mentioned i’d like to look into a breast reduction, and she referred me to a local surgeon who could do the procedure. at the time i was still entertaining the idea of double-incision, but as it turned out, this surgeon just didnt do that. but i knew for certain my insurance would cover him, his results were good, and he was local, so i said yes to the T-incisions, which he said would likely get me down from a G to at least a C. it wasnt my ideal scenario admittedly, but frankly the back pain was getting to be too much, and i needed it to be addressed sooner rather than later.

- i had a consultation with the surgeon in early december, and they took pictures and measurements to send to my insurance so they could confirm the tits WERE in fact Too Bomb To Live. Doc said that it varies between insurance companies, but most will have a minimum amount of tissue that needs to be taken off, in grams, from each breast. he was like, “your insurance needs at least 1000g total removed, which’ll leave you on the small side, is that cool?” and i was like “My Man, take AS MUCH as you possibly can, im sick of these” and he was like “cool, makes my job easy then.” 

- it took my insurance like 1.5 to 2 months to get back to me, but late january the surgery place called me and we set a date for february 5th, 2020!!

PRE-OP:

- before i went into surgery, the hospital made me go over my medical history with them over the phone, informed me of all the risks, and gave me a special scrub kit to shower with at home for the last 2 days before the surgery

- fun fact this soap will make your whole bathroom and body smell strongly and exactly like a hospital and it is gross as hell if you hate hospital smell

- i also had to go to my primary care doc to get the OK that i was healthy enough to go under general anesthesia, and also get some blood tests and a urinalysis done. i fucked up the urinalysis tho (which is a whole other story) so i had to redo that the morning of the surgery when i got to the hospital anyway. 

- when i scheduled my surgery they also gave me a list of things i had to NOT DO before i went in. this included stuff like avoiding herbal medications and non-prescription supplements and not drinking any alcohol for like 2 weeks prior to surgery, and not eating anything after midnight the night before surgery.

- then it was SURGERY DAY!!!

- i went in with uhhh a LOT of anxiety about what everything would entail, ngl. i knew i had to do it because staring down the barrel of life with tiddies forever was way scarier than surgery, but yknow whenever you go under general anesthesia they legally do have to let you know that you could die and thats just a lot to consider, PLUS the whole thing involves just, really mangling your torso so like. its a lot! its okay to be scared!

- both my parents went with me for moral support which i appreciated a lot, but i didnt actually see them much since they had to spend a lot of it in the waiting room.

- when i went back with the doc they had me Wash The Tiddy Off with some antiseptic and change into a gown. i got some grippy socks out of the deal which is probably not a universal experience, but this hospital did it so shoutout to them for the socks i guess

- then they asked me all my medical history stuff again and checked me for any like, rashes or open sores or anything. i had some Tit Zits but they did not seem to be worried about that.

- then the surgeon came in and drew lines on me for the incisions. bro when i saw how high up my nips were gonna be i was losing my damn mind. this is one of the really exciting parts, because you finally get to really visualize what your end size is gonna be!! 

- once he was satisfied with how everything looked, they started really Prepping Me For Surgery.

- they hooked me up to a blood pressure cuff, a heart monitor, and some compression leg thingies that would inflate and deflate intermittently around my calves to help me not get blood clots. this felt weird but tbh also like kind of a nice massage

- then the iv placement. bro im not lying when i tell you this is the worst part. the nurse numbed me with some lidocaine before placing the needle and let me tell you that shit HURTED. lidocaine Stings and Burns when it hits and this was arguably the most painful part. but the good news about that is it means nothing else after that is all that bad. and i got THREE lidocaine shots because these two nurses could NOT find my blood anywhere. they finally called in their ringer (an EMT named kirk, s/o to kirk) who got that sucker in my arm with NO numbing and NO pain in like, 2 fucking seconds. i pray you all have a kirk. kirk knows where your fucking blood is and hes not gonna fuck around getting to it because he JUST wrestled a drunk dude into an ambulance like an hour ago and compared to that this is nothing. kirk had sleeveless scrubs. im obsessed. anyway.

- then they put a plastic, inflatable, heated blanket over me? it was between two regular blankets so it wasnt as uncomfortable as you might imagine, but it was strange. warm tho so that was nice.

- THEN they wheeled my bed down to surgery. i was having so much anxiety at this point it was like... dreamlike. getting wheeled into the OR was just surreal. i was like, no thoughts head empty, just taking everything in.

- once i got there the surgical team was very cool about keeping me calm tho. they were playing their like, pump-up music and one of the guys was like “hey fyi about halfway thru the surgery we will be turning the lights off and having a rave, just in the interest of full disclosure. promise not to leave any glowsticks in there tho” and i was like what no i would LOVE glowstick tiddies

- i had to kinda roll from my bed onto the operating table, which was significantly harder and smaller. that kinda made things feel real, so i got a little more anxious at that point.

- to help me calm down they had me breathe in some straightup oxygen thru a mask while they hooked my iv to the fluids and such, and the guy was like “WHOA you got some lungs on you dude” and i was like yeah thanks im recovering from hyperventilating

- then they let the anesthesia into the iv, letting me know the whole time what was happening, talking to me until i was just OUT, which was not a lot of conversation time because i was out in like 5 seconds or less. they didnt make me count down or anything, but i promise you it was nigh instantaneous.

POST OP

- it really was instantaneous. i know everyone says that but it really is the truth, it feels like the whole thing takes seconds. like one moment youre laying there in the OR feeling the drugs Hit, and the next youre waking up in the little wake-up room feelin kinda groggy with a nurse talking to you, and youre still druggy so youre just rambling to her about how fucked your voice sounds right now and as soon as shes contented that youre basically lucid they start wheeling you to your room where youll ACTUALLY stay while you recover.

- THE THING I WAS THE LEAST PREPARED FOR WAS MY THROAT

- your throat will Hurt afterwards, but even more than that, you will be producing So Much Mucus. my surgery took about 2 hours and during that time, all my muscles were paralyzed by the anesthesia, including my lungs, so i was on a breathing tube. my throat, understandably, hated this, and started producing Gallons Of Fucking Mucus to protect itself. it then continued to do this for the next two days or so. the nurses were encouraging me to breathe deep and cough Hard to combat this, and avoid getting pneumonia, so i did. but THAT hurt the tiddies. it was really a vicious cycle. but its necessary because god if i had to have pneumonia on top of all the other recovery shit?? god. 0/10 wouldnt recommend. so it might hurt but dont worry your tiddies wont bust open or anything.

- i spent basically the rest of the day still hooked up to all the machines i listed earlier, PLUS a thing that would beep at me if my heart rate went too high, which it did a lot because i have anxiety, but luckily the nurses didnt seem too concerned. it really kept my breathing on track though because if i didnt breathe deep enough my heart would shoot up super fast and it’d beep and god that was just annoying and im pretty sure that was The Point. you kinda have to get used to breathing again, and the beeping trained me.

- they gave me like a bunch of crackers and a huge mug of water to work on at my leisure. i actually had lunch pretty quick after waking up? i know a lot of people have nausea issues from anesthesia but i didnt experience any of that. i DID move like a fucking sloth while i was eating tho. the pain meds and general grogginess of recovery slowed my whole body down sooooo much. my mom was actually like “are you okay??? like neurologically??????” and i was, totally, i was just. on slo-mo.

- anyway i didnt have to get catheterized for this procedure thankfully but they DID make me measure my pee every time i went to the bathroom. like i had to pee in a little bucket attached to the toilet and the nurse had to come check it every time and i felt really weird about that. so idk just be prepared for that i guess lmao

- also idk if it was the pain meds or the anesthesia itself but post-op, i couldnt shit for like a week. the constipation is real so get u some fucking laxatives asap when you get home, this is not a joke lmao

- they also had me put on a belt every time i got up so the nurse could hold onto me in case i decided to fucking biff it. they got me up a couple times throughout the day/night to walk up and down the hallway outside and get my body used to being upright again

- oh speaking of i never got to lie down completely flat, they had my bed locked at like a 30 degree angle minimum to help with... something. im not quite sure what, but im not gonna question it

- when i got up the next morning they had a couple nurses come in and help me un-bandage so i could shower and finally look at what the tiddies looked like for the first time!! and it was exciting but i didnt cry like i expected lmao i think i was too drained and too distracted by the bleeding

- the bleeding wasnt too bad actually, just little beads kinda coming out of parts of the incisions between the stitches. but once i got in the shower obviously stuff started getting diluted in the water and it looked like a lot more than there actually was, so dont be alarmed by that! 

- SHOWERING: its a little complicated. youre not supposed to soak the incisions, and youre not supposed to apply direct water pressure or actually touch them at this point. so what i had to do was get a washcloth wet and soapy (with antibacterial soap, i think it was hand soap honestly. hand soap’s what ive been using at home so........) and then just kinda. squeeze it at your collarbone and let it drip down over everything kinda minimally. its kind of a process but it works fine. washing your hair and like, tbh literally everything else is gonna be hard. reaching over your head is hard and scary at this point. i will admit my hair care Suffered the first week. 

- then i got bandaged back up and they got me back into my own clothes and ready to go home! they also put a bra on me over the bandages in my new size. i was only there for about 24 hours total, since i didnt really have any complications. 

- on the ride home i had to make sure the cross-chest part of the seat belt was NOT touching me. if whoevers driving you hits a pothole, your soul WILL exit your body tits-first for a moment. im sorry if you live somewhere like here in nebraska where the roads are garbage but its not gonna be fun.

ONCE YOU’RE HOME!!

- i live at home with my mom and sister and if you live alone, id try to have a friend basically move in for the first week. you will need Help with things. basic things. you’ll mostly want to sleep because of the pain meds but those made me pretty dizzy so it was cool having my mom around in case i like. fell on the way to the bathroom and died or anything like that.

- changing bandages is really kind of a 2-person affair too, and youll have to do it at least once a day post-shower, so keep that in mind. 

- the bleeding is like, not that bad after that first day honestly. i never had to change the bandages more than just the once per day. 

- basically from here the procedure is just to take it easy, get up every few hours and walk around a little to keep the blood clots at bay, and enjoy yr new silhouette basically

- worst thing about recovery honestly? im a stomach/side sleeper, and i cant manage anything other than laying flat on my back with my arms at my sides right now, and thats just like.... idk i really cant sleep like that. its not comfy. ive had to set up kind of a pillow fort around me to keep me from rolling over in my sleep bc im afraid i might hurt myself accidentally like that, but idk how well-founded that fear is.

- i will say as someone who did have back problems before this, the difference is IMMEDIATE. i literally had better posture like Day 1. im still a little hunched over because the stitches create a bit of tension in your chest, but like literally it was instantaneous. god. once i got healed to a point that i could like, kinda relax and not be so fucking tense all the time? back pain has basically just been GONE. 

- other fun things to notice: i had some pretty significant stretch marks before, and now they are running in a completely different direction. i crossed my arms over my chest the other day and they actually touched my torso for the first time in like, well over a decade. if i close my eyes and try to grab my tiddy from muscle memory, i stop like a full 3 inches from where my tit actually starts now. the size i am now, just like, freeballing it? this is how i looked when i wore a binder before. if i wore a binder now i imagine id be completely flat, and honestly if i layer up at this point you cant really tell that i have anything more than the average chubby dude’s moobs, which as a kinda chubby person is totally fine. 

its a trip relearning what i look like and what im supposed to feel like but its just. such a fucking improvement over where i was. absolutely no regrets, regardless of how hard recovery has felt at times. anyway i hope this information is at least interesting and maybe helpful to anybody considering anything similar!!

[aeiiope]

“Ok, so, you’re not gonna believe this story - trust me; I barely believe it myself, and I lived it - so- Had this job to spy in on this one group in Texas right? And I mean, the job itself isn’t that hard, ya know? Go in, watch them, get some info, leave. Pretty cut and dry, but dear God these guys were paranoid as hell. Like, I mean paranoid. Wouldn’t step outside of their little bunker until they did, like, three camera checks and sent a few guys out, so I’m thinkin’ ‘man they must have somethin’ good they’re hidin’ so I stick it out ( I mean, on top of wantin’ to know what they’re hidin’ for my own sake, still on a job here ), and eventually, I learn that they’re goin’ to some sleazy bar in a few days, right? Like, somethin’ real ‘classy’, deep in the city, ya know.

So, I go to the place, and set up shop; Pay off one of the girls there to let me take her spot, and the boss to make sure I got the job. Work for the days leadin’ up to them comin’ in, and these guys fuckin’- Burst through the door like they’re swingin’ big dicks around. Like, you can tell they’re not, and they’re over compensatin’, but they’re still tryin’. Anyway, so they burst in, and get a few chairs by the bar, and everythin’s pretty ok.

I’ll admit that I did slut it up a lil bit ( you know; a wink here, a hand touch there, tyin’ my shirt up a little higher while lowerin’ the straps. that shit ) just in case they figured that they had a shot, so I could break into their bunker that way- Don’t give me that look. If it works; It works.

But anyway, they order a few things, yadda, yadda, yadda. You know how borin’ this shit is, so I’ll spare the details, but they’re all talkin’ in some really dumb, overly pronounced ‘code’ that’s just. So slow, and so obvious. Like?

If. I. Talk. To. You. Like. This. You. Know. Some. Thing’s. Up. Right? Because. You. Can. Put. Two. And. Two. Together?

Annoyin’ as hell.

But! I was already able to scrap together a few things, like, they’re not bein’ subtle at all which was kinda a bummer ‘cause I expected more from guys who went through so much security measures, but anyway, so they start raisin’ their voices. Somethin’ about someone’s wife, or whatever, and it gets to the point where they start standin’ - and as we all know, standin’ leads to fightin’, which I was kinda excited about ‘cause I still had some hope for these guys in a weird ‘oh come on have ONE thing goin’ for you’ sort of way, and I gotta say, I didn’t expect the smallest of the bunch to be the one to hit the hardest. Really didn’t. Figured his big friend would have done better than he did, but one hit to the jaw, and he was out like a light.

All that to say; A fight DOES break out, and I’m just standin’ there. Watchin’. Listenin’ as they spell out fuckin’ everythin’ ‘cause they’re shoutin’ ‘NO THIS WHOLE TRADE WAS YOUR IDEA’ and ‘WELL I MAY HAVE HIRED THE MERCENARIES, BUT YOU POISONED THE GUY’, and stuff that I never would have connected to them in a million years if I just saw them. But I’m watchin’ the screamin’ match, and the fists flyin’, and I guess I got so caught up in it, I didn’t realize they were goin’ for their glasses to break them, or to try and chuck whatever they could at each other, until it literally hits me; As the bottle breaks, it sent the shit my way, and One guy can’t aim for shit, so I get pelted with a basket of wings, so I finally duck under the bar to avoid anythin’ else hittin’ me-

So, I’m sittin’ there; BBQ sauce on my tiddies, soaked in cheap beer, and ready to drop my cover and break it up myself when all of a sudden- It goes quiet. And I mean dead quiet like you’d find in a graveyard, so I peak up to see it’s the little guy who’s left, and he notices me, and gets all bashful which is cute in its own way, but not after gettin’ bbq sauce on your tits, and I guess he realized how gross I was feelin’ and how much of a mess they made, so he apologizes and helps to clean up. Somethin’ I didn’t really expect for a guy like him. Like, I expected him to be a lot handsier than he was when he helped me clean up, but instead he got me a roll of paper towels to help with the burnin’ bbq sauce and left it at that.

So, he finally invites me back to the bunker to make up for what happened, and I’ll give him this; He was a gentleman the entire time there. Gave me space, constant apologies, offerin’ fancy, boujee drinks and stuff. Like, better than actual dates I’ve been on, lemme be honest here.

So we make it back, and it really was a good time. Managed to find a change of clothes that were a little big, but kinda in a cute way, ya know? Chilled out. He didn’t even notice when I slipped those cyanide tablets into his drink which was a shame ‘cause he really was a gentleman, but turns out he and his group were plottin’ to make an attack against my boss, so as by our contract, I had to get rid of ‘em. Went back to the bar to pick up the rest sayin’ that the other guy - Tom I think his name was - sent me, and the rest is history, and I got a bonus out of gettin’ rid of them so quick and I barely did anythin’, so that was nice.”