#‘try not to eat the other party’ <- the teaching the dog not to nip guy

[barklikeagod]

trying to fall back to sleep but i can’t stop thinking about this message

[chaneajoyyy]

Good Erik x reader series? What are some you recommend? Please and thank you 😊

ERIK X READER

- the other war dog series, i call bullshit series, no mercy series, i am not afraid to fuck a bitch up - @writingmarvellousimagines

- 678 triple 9 8212, names, dessert, the bar- @writingsbyash

- all things - @sonofnjobu

- my beyonce is having my baby, tutor session, erik teaches reader xosha, sofa-  @writerbee-ffs

- your ways series, or nah,  apotelesma series- @daddy-killmonger

-  nails- @theegoldenjaguar

- short staffed, for the love of money, my first & his only, the big chop, braid my hair…., visiting hours (erik x oc), i am king killmonger- @bakarilennox

- paragone series- @dynastylnoire

-friday (erik x ocs), she got game (erik x oc), chunk series (erik x oc), computer blue series- @ghostfacekill-monger

- rekindle series, daddy’s here series, adoration series, @soufcakmistress

- reclamation series, lost and driven series (erik x oc)- @avfug

- with love wakanda prompt fic, erik and reader discover they both have deceased fathers with the same death date, nothing easy to please (awkward!erik x oc), there’s something they’re not telling us (erik x oc)- @bidibidibombaclaat- 

- song of stevens series, fictober 28. i felt that. you know what i mean.   (and really good erik oc fics too), king kill’mawals, n’jadaka’s helpful hands, santa can’t bring me what i need (with mbaku and t’challa, fictober 26. but if you can’t see it, is it really there?- @eerythingisshaka

- all things (mix of erik x oc and erik x reader)- @erikismybitch

- all things erik (some oc fics in there too)- @laketaj24

- king of pop series, protector (erik x oc), out with a bang, desserts series-@forbeautyandlife

- all erik fics- @plussizeappreciationfics

- everything from @supersizemeplz

- same girl, do you remember (possible series), worry ‘bout it, let em know series, freaky friday (with t’challa), feel love, i wanna be, nip tuck,- @songficsbyrissi

- all things - @another-imaginesblog

- all things from @princesskillmonger

- overstimulated series (erik x oc)- @princessstevens

- all things from @shewrites02

- killin ‘em softly series- @eyeknowmywrites

- sandcastles series, twin flames (erik x oc)- @thehoodsweetheart

- all things- @cmonkillmonger (mixed with erik x oc)

- old friends- @babygirlofwakanda

-everything (mixed with erik x oc)- @brattywriters-anonymous

- secrets series, nice for what, stevens stories series (erik x sibling!oc)- @drtycomputerx

- all things @rayraynddem

- fast & furious, leave a light on series- @mariamermaid

- all things @killmoncoochie (a mix of erik x reader and erik x oc)

- a tale of two soldiers series, make it clap, passenger seat series- @blackmissfrizzle

- facetime love, with walnuts- @melodyofmbaku

- mad issues series- @curls-and-crosses

- numb, somebody to love (with t’challa)- @goldvnkillmongerbarnes

- all things from - @thickoreo

- everything from (mixed with erik x oc)- @killmongersgurl 

- everything from - @killmongerskeeper

- everything- @shyblackgurl

- everything from- @eriksjournal

- sweet like honey series, insecure series - @erikslulbaby

- everything from- @wakanda-inspired

- everything - @ororowrites

- headass youtube couple series, cutting ties (possible series), #tsrbaewatch (blow the whistle), fix my crown series.- @apantherinmypastlife

- i can’t, baking with the royal would include- @melo-yello

- destined series- @oblivious1olivious

- be careful sweetheart series- @avenging-fics

- all erik fics (mixed with erik x oc) - @muse-of-mbaku

- watching him sleep, driving with erik be like…, when erik’s jealous, my baby, frontline, it was a joke! series, goofy ass, hair, black panther cast as students (included)- @killmonger-dolan

- all things from @wakandanblogger

- at your best- @papi-chulo-bucky

- french inhale series (erik x oc)- @jewelofwakanda

- let’s talk about sex series, teach me series, when your mad series, waffles series, spoiled little brat series, slow ride seris, movie night series, mines, thunderstorn; girl, fuck you; eat your breakfact, secret admirer, amusement park fun, displays of affection, night at the movies, silent heartbeats series, worship, loving the way you love it, day drunk, smile for me daddy, breeding kink, just like you, we goin to hell, in the cut, kissing strangers series- @thehomierobbstark

- redbone, focus, i’ma make you proud- @pocmarvelworks

- all erik fics- @youreallyshouldtalkmore

- nerd, erik killmonger headcanons, on the run, before we have to let go, erik’s girl, eyes watching god, she’s mine pt. 1-, black panther trinity parent drabbles (with t’challa and m’baku)- @black-mcu-imagines

- dating series, possessive, kiwi series, i wanna marry you, quit series, fast car series,  - @wtfnegan

- dustiest corner in harlem series, just take the ring, more than talk, tell me, hell of a feeling - @sweettea-and-honeybutter

-broken clocks- @beforeverrmine

- in my whip, lyk dis, - @memor-somnis

- all things from @wakanda-4evr

- rated e, i missed you series, on broadway, unravel me series, no average bitch, if they ain’t looking - @brownsugarcocoabutterwildflowers

- all erik fics- @ourwakandanerik

- keys and a crown series, piece by piece, the warm up-  @iwannalearnhowtoship

- the parlor (with t’challa) series, operation: honey pot series, first love, liberation series, countdown, soft, ilanga series, death of a bachelor series, the library- @blackpantherimagines

- plot twist series, ring series, song goes off, summertime love series, walls (erik x oc)- @blackpantherismyish

- all things erik- @livingmybestfakelife

- Erik’s theory of happiness series- @brownmuse (erik x oc)

- whole ass parents series, iight fam series, the bouncer, the bsu- @suburbanblackhoe

- all erik fics- @wawakanda-btch

- 390. you shouldve heard his side of the story. you never asked mine, waters of chaos series- @wakandasoldier

- all erik fics- @njadaakas

- all erik fics- @njadont

- redeem me- @njadaddy

- study buddy- @heyauntieeee

- voodoo seris, white girl- @imagine-mbaku

- all erik fics- @madamslayyy

- permission series- @babybluepeaches

- street car, wadjet- @n-jadaddy

- your highness series- @princessceettaa

- au wehre erik’s dad wasn’t killed and took him back to wakanda where he grew up, too easy, in the still of the night, otto’s shrunken head, rainy day savior- @eyestheyseeyou

- all erik fics (mix of erik x reader and erik x oc)- @eye-raq

- all erik fics- @ljs-writing

- all erik fics- @iliketowrite1996

- fuck you series- @newstarvingcollegestudent

- fuccboi troubles series- @issajuju-bug

- noney and mint, lay with me, little girl series (erik x oc), fae (erik x oc), bound series (erik x oc), bedtime story,  blinding (erik x oc)- @sweeter-thejuice

- you made your bed series- @sweetpeachjones

- all things - @imaginewhoever

- i’m cleva series, - @killmongerdispussy

- mistakes series, honey and chocolate series, forbidden series dangerous waters- @cocoaflowerrs

- all imagines from @nahimjustfeelingit-writes

- cujo- @nastybuckybarnes

- by bast series, pregnancy drabble, angsty drabble- @sickandtideeeee

- catch it, round 17, be mine series, ambition- @dumbchickwrites

- all things from @dacreskars

- cater 2 you, it’s been a minute, stereotypes series, you’re mine, angst erik, collegeboi!erik fic, (all you need, try me, sneaky, watch your mouth- all part of a lil series), baby girl and her daddy- @boldmellowtastemaker

- all things @artisticestheticreads

- all things @hearteyes-for-killmonger (a mix of erik x reader and erik x oc)

- breakfast with strangers series, blind date series, in and out of live series, missing brown eyes series- @cosmiceyegasms

- i like that series- @nachtaiwrites

- imagine that series,  prophecy series, the nanny series, how you married n’jadaka, life line series, moodboards, erik loves you just the way you are, destiny?- @wakandascrystal

- all erik fics- @wakandas-vibranium

- prey series, big mad, earth dy, leaving, ride or die, the grace of kings  series and it’s prompts(erik x oc), she who,walks in the sea series (erik x oc), ritual (erik x oc), late (erik x oc), a boy (erik x his mom), sing of helen series (erik x oc)- @hoopshoney

- summertime madness- @jazthestampede

- facetime love, with walnuts- @melodyofmbaku

- the red door- @twistedcharismaaa

-all erik fics (erik x oc)- @blackgirlimaginesmarvel

- too deep, snip snip(pet), you say it’s food for thought series- @lostncrowned

- stress relief, the girl is mine- @lostgalaxies

- it’s okay series (with liberosis), erik the wise, one punch man, consider me finished, leave me series- @marvellovegalore

- all erik fics- @marvelmaree

- all erik fics- @wakandamama

- better series- @mothereve1

- affairs series, better series (with t’challa)- @melaninkpopimagines

- microcosms, burn, lost files, finals season series, party of one, compression, if ever there were angels series- @lesqui

- all erik fics (erik x oc)- @killmongersmistress

- all erik fics- @maleficentcheekbones

- all erik fics- @oshaia (mix of erik x oc and erik x reader)

- erik x deja series (erik x oc)- @wifeyofnjadaka

- all @youcantkillamutant erik fics (mix of erik x reader and erik x oc)

- all erik fics- @hidden-treasures21

- deja vu series (erik x oc)- @loveeeeandaffection

- the firm series (erik x oc)- @thadelightfulone

- the elevator bae series (erik x oc)- @yoursoulstea

- everything- @panthergoddessbast

- sacredly scarred series (erik x oc)- @whorderofthepheonix

- you don’t own me- @omg-foreverfilledwithweird-posts

- make the bullshit worth it series- @wakandansunsets

- everything (mix of erik x reader and erik x oc)- @leelahsrose

- all erik fics (erik x oc)- @lady-love-and-glitter-roses

- muse series, the library will be closing series, home invasion series, the church girl series, kingdom of thieves series, disharmony series, nerd!erik hc, biker!erik hc- @killmongurl

- kissing strangers series (erik x oc)- @halcyonscry

- i’ll be around series, what you need series, purposeful naivety series- @killmvnger

- foul play series- @dessianna1

- pappa killmonger (erik oc)- @destinio1

- wet sugar series, say less series- @uzumaki-rebellion

- return the favor series, pride: take 5, caged bird (erik x nakia), trouble loves company series (erik x annalise keeting- bp x htgawm crossover)- @taint3dvirgin

- sing to me, let em know, get that, lips, i love it- @zxddy-panther

- cashier girl- @daughterofyeezus

- interrogation series- @yslkuwonu

- evening adventures, books and back hugs, tacos and jaguars- @aniqua

- the monst dangerous game: fanfic writing challenge prompt 2 (erik x oc), body pillow- @akimi-youngblood 

- all the stars series (with t’challa)- @generalshazam

*i dont want to overwhelm you too much so this is what i have for you!*

[puppyexpressions]

Does Your Dog Play Too Rough?

There’s a difference between a dog that is playful, and dogs that play too rough! Does your dog turn your living room into a demolition derby? Some dogs go from zero to 60 in two seconds flat, jumping, zooming, and even nipping in their exuberance. While this can be annoying with a 4-pound Chihuahua, it’s downright dangerous in a 70-pound Goldendoodle. How do you know when too much is too much?

Sometimes, it depends on the breed or breed mix you have. A teenage Labrador Retriever is definitely not the same as a teenage Basset Hound when it comes to playing rough. Sporting, herding and terrier breeds in general are extremely active. Did you choose an athlete or a couch potato? Learn about your dog’s breed or breed mix and find out what is considered a normal activity level for him.

When it comes to dogs playing too rough, it can sound like a heavyweight wrestling match when it’s actually just normal. Some dogs are quite vocal when they roughhouse with each other. To determine if they’re playing and not fighting, look at all the dogs in the mix. Is their body posture curvy and bouncy? Good. Is it stiff and straight? Not good. Is there a lot of back and forth between the dogs, each taking turns as to who is on top or chasing the other? Good. Does one dog look unhappy and is trying to avoid the other? Not good. If you think the play is one-sided, intervene.

Even if you think the dogs are loud but ok, it’s a good idea to interrupt them now and again. Call them over to you and have them sit for treats, calm down a bit, then release them back into play. This can help prevent a friendly match from tipping over into a tiff.

Still think your dog is a tornado on paws? If your dog’s overexuberance is wearing on your nerves, here are five ways to help calm the beast.

5 Ways to Calm Your Roughhousing Pooch

#1 Exercise

Many dogs simply don’t get the exercise they need. Unless you are running with your dog, walks are not cardio exercise for most dogs. Letting them run around your fenced back yard doesn’t always work, either. Many dogs will run, then stop and sniff, then run, then stop again. If your dog is young, being destructive, barking a lot, and overly rambunctious, he’s likely not getting enough exercise.

Encourage cardio activity with games. Play fetch with your dog or get him to chase a flirt pole toy. Swimming is a great low-impact exercise. If he is a young dog, be cautious with running or jumping until his growth plates close. Ask your veterinarian if you have questions.

Finding a good dog buddy for him for playdates can tire him out but be careful. A bouncy adolescent Labrador Retriever may not be a safe play partner for a tiny Maltese puppy. One friendly paw over the Maltese’s back could cause harm. Always be careful when mixing large and small dogs.

Start a regular, daily exercise program with your dog, about 15 minutes to a half hour, for a decrease in unwanted behaviors.

#2 Massage

Incorporate massage a couple times a week into your dog’s routine. At first, you may have to wait until he is tired. With time and practice, this should be a soothing activity to help him settle. Start with short sessions and work up to longer ones as your dog remains relaxed. How to massage your dog!

#3 Tethering

Your dog may own your heart but you can’t be the center of his attention 24/7. You also need to teach him how to calm down and amuse himself.

Loop a leash around a secure piece of furniture and clasp it to your dog’s collar, tethering him securely. Only do this under your supervision so he doesn’t entangle himself. Give him some hard chew toys and a long-term, food-stuffed toy. This is especially good to do when you want to watch TV or eat dinner.

If he whines or barks, just ignore him. Don’t even make eye contact. If he chews on the leash, spray it with a chew deterrent or use a lightweight chain leash. When he is quiet and picks up a toy, calmly tell him he’s a good dog. Some dogs find this exercise difficult and may not settle down for an hour or so. Just be patient. He will learn to settle down.

If Fido is on a roughhousing rampage and you feel you should intervene before he damages something or someone, then calmly get him and put him on tether. Instead of just yelling at him, you’re giving him an outlet for his energy with appropriate toys.

#4 Consistent Boundaries

It’s not fair to let your dog leap up on the couch for cuddle time but yell at him when he lands on your dinner party guest. If you don’t mind Fido on the couch, teach him to sit first, and only jump up when you give him a specific cue, such as “Up.” If he jumps up without you giving the cue, then make him get off.  

Everyone who interacts with your dog must follow the same rules, or your dog will never be consistent. No teeth on flesh, ever, even in play. No giggling when the dog paws at your leg. You wouldn’t want Fido gnawing or pawing at a toddler or your grandmother, so set clear rules and stick to them.

#5 Training

Sometimes, events can trigger your dog’s bouncy behavior. For example, he’s fine until you pick up his leash. Then he turns into a jumping maniac. If you then attach his leash, you’re just paying that behavior. Instead, teach your dog to sit, and only get up when you give a release cue, such as “Ok.” Cue him to sit, and then attach his leash. If he bounces right up, don’t repeat yourself. Just wait until he sits again, then try again. Your dog will soon learn that the leash is never attaching until his rear remains on the ground. Training can help channel your dog’s exuberant energy into appropriate behaviors.

[biayahlife]

Duchess Elizabeth Bettina

The Origin of Eebles

You’ve probably seen Eebles on our instagram at this point. She’s a cheeky little bastard that likes to stick her nose in places that are terribly unhelpful while being quite cute at the same time. She’s a trash gremlin who’s as sweet as cotton candy. She’s a baby that’s just starting to grow out of the puppy phase and still acts as goofy now as she did when we got her at 10 weeks old. Let me tell you about Elizabeth.

My brother-in-law’s brother saw her on the side of the road. It was the last freeze of the latter half of winter in early 2019. There was ice falling from the sky and the roads were treacherous. It was 20 degrees and brutally windy. My brother-in-law was driving with his brother, oh so carefully on the awful roads, when suddenly he spotted a tiny movement in the gutter of the residential road they were driving on. He pulled over and lo and behold that moving lump was a puppy! She was tiny, cold, skinny, and afraid of everything. They searched the area for any other puppies or an adult dog but found no trace of other life. My brother-in-law took her home.

My mom was living with my sister and my brother-in-law at the time. They also have two kids, a son and a daughter. It’s probably obvious that everyone in the house fell in love with the puppy. She was taken to the vet where they weighed her and checked on her health. She was 1.75lbs and didn’t have any health issues, although she was skinny and very hungry. They guessed she was about 9 or 10 weeks old and that she was a mutt with some yorkie in her. The clean bill of health was a relief to everyone and she was the talk of the house. Her favorite place to sleep was on my mom’s chest. The kids adored her. There was talk of keeping her. My niece named her “Sweetie.”

My sister’s family owns two other dogs, Harley and Max. They’re both VERY big dogs that are a little wild, especially Max. After two weeks or so of observing the dogs together it became very clear that Max wanted to eat Sweetie so hard discussions had to happen. Where was she going to go? Would they take her to a shelter and break the kids’ hearts? I wanted her. Now, I knew at the time that we already had two dogs and a cat and that’s a lot of animal in one house for two people. I still wanted her so it was up to me to convince Miayah….. I showed her a couple pictures. She immediately wanted to meet her. We went to my sister’s house and Miayah fell in love. She was ours.

The first order of business was to rename her. As much as I love my niece, “Sweetie” is a terrible name for a dog. We wanted something pretentious as it’s part of our humor and have already named previous dogs very silly names. We settled on Duchess Elizabeth Bettina, E.B. as her nickname. I loved the idea of calling her E.B. It was short, sweet, and wouldn’t confuse the kids too much because it still sounded like “Sweetie.” The Duchess was born!

We quickly learned that she was a nervous dog. She peed when she was startled and EVERYTHING startled her. There was a time that I was standing in the hallway, Elizabeth was also in the hallway staring at me, and the whole time I was standing there I was talking to Miayah in the other room. Miayah walked into the hallway and when Elizabeth turned and saw her she must have jumped a foot in the air and then immediately peed. It was very very funny at the time but showed us that we had a bit of a problem. This escalated when she met Miayah’s sister’s dogs. The first time she met Zeus she screamed. Not whimpered, not barked, but shrieked at the top of her tiny lungs and wouldn’t stop peeing. Zeus was very confused.

We dealt with the fear for a while. We’d bring small groups of people over and try to get her to interact with them but she would hide under tables and absolutely freak out when they got close to her. We had a Halloween party where we bought a cardboard cut out of a Greek statue and every time she saw it she barked unendingly like a mad woman. We’d try to take her for walks but she wouldn’t make it halfway down the stairs before she panicked at how loud the cars were. She was so unhappy. We decided we needed to do something, so we discussed training.

Now given her fear of other dogs, loud noises, unfamiliar people, and unfamiliar surroundings, we really had to think about the best approach. A public class for puppies wouldn’t do - too many people, dogs, and noises. A private class with a group wouldn’t do, still too many dogs and too many noises. We ended up doing 6 weeks of private lessons, one on one with a trainer. It was a struggle at first. She didn’t want to do anything, she’d cry and hide under a table and ignore the treats we tried to use to incentivize her. She jumped at the slightest noise. Slowly but surely though, we got her to start responding to the training. Now this wasn’t necessarily learning how to sit and shake and that sort of thing. This was more confidence training. We were teaching her that approaching a door and crossing the threshold was safe, that knocking on doors isn’t scary, that new people can be fun, and showing her how to claim a safe space. As a testament to her fear though, she didn’t let the trainer touch her until the 5th week. She’s a stubborn one.

Elizabeth desperately loves Cinnamon and thinks playing with Watson is fun. It didn’t start out that way immediately though. Watson didn’t know what to do with Elizabeth and only tolerated her presence for months in the beginning. Cinnamon tried to attack her the first day she came into the house and got in a lot of trouble; after this Cinnamon avoided Elizabeth like the plague for about two weeks. Slowly but surely though they all started to get along. Cinnamon has always wanted a friend that would chase her around the house. It’s been her number one priority when playing for ages. She runs up to a dog, nips at them, and proceeds to run away in hopes that they’ll give chase. Elizabeth loves this and, after that initial reluctance, they fell into a good rhythm of play time. Eebles was only 2lbs and Cinnamon was 10lbs so there was a gross weight mismatch but Eebs could fit under the coffee table and Cinnamon couldn’t. Elizabeth would chase Cinnamon and then when the tables turned she’d dart under the coffee table to get a break. Now they’re inseparable. Elizabeth loves to sleep on Cinnamon, whether she’s just laying her head on Cinnamon’s back or her whole body is completely draped over her. When Cinnamon is gone I know that Elizabeth will be devastated.

Eebles is a shaggy little monster. I know it’s not immediately obvious from the pretty photos we upload on instagram but her natural hair is AWFUL. We were so surprised when she started to get shaggy. As you have probably noticed from the photos she started out as a perfectly normal looking puppy. She had short hair, was clearly light and dark brown, and there was nothing amiss. After a month or two though she started looking odd. Six months in it was shocking how hairy she was. She didn’t look like the same dog! She gets groomed every couple months because she’s a hairy nightmare. She’s also terribly spoiled since she gets special grooming, although this is because we still want her to be relatively fear-free; a mobile groomer comes to the house and gives her a one on one bath time and cut. Very very spoiled duchess.

Eebles would live outside if she could. Cinnamon and Watson are pretty “indoor” sorts of dogs. Watson wants to go outside, do his business, and come back in immediately. Cinnamon will lay in the sun until she’s sufficiently recharged then come back in. Elizabeth goes outside and is just the happiest little monster. She chases birds, she barks at the neighbor dogs, she lays in the sun, she eats dead things, she rolls around in smelly things, she chases the cat around, she finds ways to sneak out of the yard….. She is the most “dog” dog that either of us have ever owned. It’s endearing all the way up to the point that you smell her, and then it’s no longer endearing. In all seriousness though, I’m happy that we live in a place where we have a yard for her to enjoy. It makes her so happy and that’s all I want for her - happiness.

Elizabeth is a wonderful part of our family. I wouldn’t change her for anything and I’m so glad that she found her way to us. She’s the best little monster that anyone could ask for and I look forward to the next 10+ years that we’ll have with her.

[sid71blog]

Some upcoming films:

Apples are not the only fruit. I think that tomatoes are too, but I'm not sure; I'll look it up.

  Swirly Fortescue (Bobby Ball) is an ageing gay fella living in San Francisco with his younger lover Busty Hamilton (Dean Gaffney). The local government has decided to bulldoze the entire area that these two live in so that a lucrative bingo and whist drive hall can be built, and, due to Swirly having bet all their savings on Sunderland staying in the Premier League, they are totally skint, and have no choice but to move in with Busty’s homophobic, beer-swilling older brother Bruck (John Goodman). What follows is a moving look at the breaking down of barriers and prejudices, as Bruck slowly begins to appreciate musicals, John Barrowman, washing his pits and genitals EVERY day, and arty black and white posters of blokes with their big cocks out dotted all over the walls of his home, whilst simultaneously teaching them about indoor plumbing (not a euphemism), the correct belt fitting on your jeans so that just the right amount of bum-cleavage shows on the building site when you bend over, and farting into your mate’s pint in the pub when he goes for a shit.

  No-one came back alive; not even me.

  Drudge Hanktankerson (Clint Eastwood), is an old-timey sort living in a retirement home in California. Over time this cantankerous old codger befriends the young nurse L’il Sue Sugarstick (you won’t know her; crackin’ tits though), and eventually he begins to regale her with the harrowing tales of his time during World War Two. You will cry with her as he tells of his eighteen year old friend Brank Guthammmer dying screaming alone in a shell-hole, after a Stuka blows both his earlobes off; you will laugh as Drudge regales her with lighter battlefield moments, such as the time the lads painted a hand-grenade to look like a tin of Skol, and gave it to “Simple Dave” to pull the ring-pull; you will cry again as the lads bury Simple Dave ten minutes later; and you will have uncomfortable feelings, and mutter “this bit’s shit” to your girlfriend, during the bit where the young soldiers skinny dip in a French river.  

  Cropper.

  In this long-overdue Hollywood blockbuster based on the Coronation Street character, Channing Tatum is Roy Cropper, a man slightly flustered one reasonably busy Tuesday afternoon, when a minibus full of pensioners stops by and cleans him out of baps. In a performance already creating a strong Oscar buzz, Channing displays the full gamut of Roy’s emotional range, as we watch him ring Rita (Meryl Streep) to see if she has any baps in stock, and ask Gemma (Elizabeth Hurley) to mind the shop for a bit while he nips to the Cash and Carry. 

  Deaded to Death.

   Steven Segal (no way!) is Bronson Masticator, a retired UFC bigbone-weight world champion, down on his luck after gambling and drinking away all of his fortune. He now ekes out a living as a human panda in a shit zoo in the rough part of a rough town in a rough, intentionally vague South American country. He also bounces for a share of the tips and all the Fray Bentos pies he can eat at a local titty bar, run by the shady gangster Fuego “the castrator” Del Monte. One night Bronson witnesses a couple of Fuego’s heavies manhandling Paula Shane, the massively-popular drag tribute to Hi-de-Hi actor Paul Shane, currently on a massive stadium tour of South America, into the back of the club. Upon waking up the next morning in his rusty old caravan, he turns on his cracked old black and white television to see that the news is devoted to a $50 million ransom demanded for the return of Paula, and he must decide whether to do the right thing and take on his boss and assorted henchmen and free Paula, or keep his mouth shut and keep the Fray Bentos flowing.

  Paedon't you want Me?

   Gareth Possibly is a shy, thirty-four year old hamster-herder from Wolverhampton, who forms an attachment to Samantha Alannsuger, who moves in next door with her mother. A sweet bond unfolds between the pair of them over one long, hot summer, with Gareth slowly emerging from his brittle shell in the company of this talkative giggler, but complications inevitably set in as feelings go unreciprocated, and the nursery threaten to call the authorities if he doesn’t back off.

  Blood of the Chaffinch.

   Even eighteen year olds are advised to watch this accompanied by an older adult, so frightening is it rumoured to be. In Argentina forty two women fainted just upon seeing a badly-bootlegged t-shirt bearing the lead chaffinch hanging on a washing line, and at the premiere in Los Angeles one woman went into labour in the cinema, despite not being pregnant when the film started. The baby came out covered in BLOOD. Due to these haunting stories, the film has gained notoriety even before its world-wide release, and many reckon that it will do for chaffinches what Jaws did for Great Whites.   

  Cold cold Heart.  

   This Inuit romance wowed the critics at the inaugural Macduff film festival, causing many of the film critics to pretend to shed a manly tear, in the hope of a sympathy tug in the bogs afterwards.  Wee Beely Johnson is a lonely Inuit igloo salesman, doomed to a solitary life spent ploughing the snowwoman he has built most nights, or trying to convince himself that the three month old seal carcass in his front room is a comely mermaid. One night he finds a woman trapped by her leg in a bear trap he has set, and as she slowly recuperates in his igloo conservatory, feelings grow. It takes him four hours to feel his way through all the layers of fur, but eventually the relationship is consummated, and they live happily ever after. Well, until she starts to rot, being a fucking bear corpse that the mad old cunt has been shagging in the delusion that it’s a tidy bint.   

  The wrong Trousers.

   Hollywood live-action remake of Wallace and Gromit, starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson as Wallace, and Andy Serkis as a motion-capture CGI Gromit. In this slightly-tweaked story Wallace is a grizzled cop who doesn’t play by the rules, and Gromit is his loyal German Shepherd police dog. When investigating a drug deal the pair come to the attentions of the powerful drug lord “El Capitano”, who kills all of Gromit’s closest relatives, and blows up Wallace’s opulent beach-front property; that he can somehow afford on his policeman’s salary. The pair must hunt down El Capitano and put him out of business before he does the same to them, something not helped by Wallace’s alcohol problem. Also starring Charize Theron as the love interest. For Wallace, you sick bastard. 

  "Sorry Dad, you're breaking up, I'm just heading into a fudge tunnel". 

   This hilarious comedy stars Zac Efron as Billy Fronc, an eighteen year old who lives for partying with his friends. Mark Wahlberg is his seventeen year old buddy, “Stoner” Crud Mazzwick, and Adam Sandler is twenty year old layabout Freez Dirklange. After losing a bet with Crud’s older brothers Broxton and Steele, the three must spend a Saturday night at the city’s notorious gay club Oooooo, Get You! Initially reluctant to mingle in case they catch gay, after a few rounds of confidence-boosting and trouser-slackening tequila they are soon dancing up a storm on the dancefloor with their new friends.  Well, apart from Wahlberg’s character of course; he had it written into the script that he won’t let any “bummer” near his meat and two meat (no girly veg for Mark), and in fact his character gets into a fight with three burly homosexual men after one of them gives a lascivious look in the vague direction of Mark’s ashtray.

Mark wins.

Obviously.

   No room at the inn for Jar Jar.

   This sombre, black and white documentary follows what happens to Jar Jar Binks, after his unpopular starring role in some shit prequel or other. A sobering look at the American dream gone wrong, we follow a desolate Jar Jar as he repeatedly auditions for further acting roles, only to be turned away time and time again. We watch his slow descent into alcoholism, every drink punctuated by his sobbed mutterings of “Meesa fuckwit”, as he tortures himself watching a worn-out DVD of his only major role over and over again.

  No tulips in December.

   Sally Algernon (Dot Cotton) has been living in the old people’s home of her quiet part of Boston for seven years now. Her husband long dead and her children busy washing their hair, besides exchanging pleasantries with the nurses she has little to fill her days, apart from an ongoing feud with Gertrude Begonia (Honor Blackman) over who gets to sit in the best chair in the TV room. All this changes when a new gardener, Bowl Funterton (Russ Abbott), begins tending the gardens of the home (again, not a euphemism). Seeing his shirtless exertions, with his darts-honed physique and rippling liver spots, awakens feelings in Sally that she had thought long dormant. Soon she is flirting suggestively over a plate of Hobnobs, and being “accidently” caught walking cardigan-less in front of her window, with its deliberately open curtains. Unfortunately, there is a spanner in the works in her attempts to attract his attentions: she is surrounded by young, attractive NURSES, so she could ride a unicorn whilst juggling the Arsenal youth team and farting the theme tune to EastEnders perfectly, and she still wouldn’t be able to drag Bowl’s eyes away from young Samantha’s shapely arse.  

  A banjo for Billy.

   Cuthbert Faintlyaromatic and his wife Cynthia are dealt a crushing blow when, after seven years of trying, they finally have a child, only for young Billy to be born with the rare disease Kenny Loggins’ contraption. With knees for eyes, hairy teeth, a hunch-back AND a hunch-bum, continuous flatulence, an ingrown penis (on his tongue), and an allergy to his own nostrils, there is as yet no known cure for this horrible affliction, and those first few months tested their partnership to its limits. Just when things seemed totally desolate, a kindly doctor rescues them from despair, when he hands over an old banjo of his Grandads in exchange for Billy, as he needs something to lay on the floor in front of his living room door, to keep the draught out. Oh, did you think that maybe Billy would grow up and find meaning in his existence with the discovery of a musical gift or summat? Sorry.