#‘i’m gonna eat her pussy til i see god but first i have to spit in her mouth’

[thesistersarcheron]

Oooo we love a mean rhysand

Coming to you live from my drafts:

[okk--maaan]

Bad Kitchen Dreams

Hi. This is very dumb. But I couldn’t help myself when @ellelaconi​ threw out a Pale Kitchen Nightmares AU. So here you go. Feel free to imagine him in a blonde Matt wig and chef’s coat with a British accent.

WC: ~1.7k (whoops)

CW: you’re a really bad chef, Pale degrading you because you’re such a bad chef, pussy eating, fingering, PIV, brief drug mention, OSHA violations

Pale has traveled all over the country doing this. Helping desperate restaurant owners resurrect their businesses from the ashes. But in his twenty years, he’s never seen a situation as dire as this. As dire as yours.

When he pulls up in his big black car, he can tell the restaurant isn’t open. “Who the fuck ain’t open at one o’clock in the afternoon? Fuckin’ bullshit,” he mutters to himself. And sure enough. When he tries the front door - locked. He bangs on the glass and yells, “Hey! Hello! Anybody in there?!” After like five fuckin’ minutes of this, you finally appear -- wearing a dirty disgusting chef’s coat, your hair haphazardly pinned up, shit on your face. You wipe your hands down your front, smearing something orange across the little bit of white left on your apron.

As soon as you turn the lock, Pale pushes his way through with his big body. Without the barrier of safety glass, he can really get a good look at you. Even with all the mess, you’re pretty fuckin’ hot. Stunning really. Makin’ his cock twitch in his dark jeans, with your soft fuckin’ eyes and lips and shit. But he can’t think about that right now. He’s got work to do. Clearly.

He sticks a fat hand out and greets, “Hey doll. The name’s Jimmy. But call me Pale. Everyone calls me Pale. Hate that fuckin’ name in fact. Jimmy. Only person call me that is my fuckin’ wife.” You’re flustered with how quickly he rambles, but you take his hand and introduce yourself. “Well let me ask you something. Why the hell ain’t you open? It’s the middle of fuckin’ lunch,” he wave his hands all over the place like this is the most atrocious thing. And honestly, in his opinion, it might be. “Uhh well no one’s in here,” you try to explain. He scoffs, “Yeah no shit. Kinda hard for people to get in with the door locked and all.” He did have a point there. You wring your sweaty palms together, trying to fight the utter embarrassment. “Thank you for agreeing to help me, Jimmy - uh Pale. Please tell me what I need to do to fix this.” He leans in real close, jabs a thumb behind him, “Why don’t you unlock the fuckin’ door first?” You chuckle nervously and walk past him. Pale can’t help but glance at your ass as you do, just can’t help himself. And damn. You look just as good from the back as you do from the front. And again, his dick agrees.

With the restaurant officially open, you give Pale a tour. But the condition of the dining room is so deplorable, he doesn’t want to go any further. “Nah doll. I ain’t going in that kitchen. I got half a mind to even let you cook for me,” he throws his hands up in protest. He pulls out the cleanest chair he can find and plops down. Dusting off the tiny table in front of him, he asks, “So what kinda food you serve here?” “I create Mexican Italian fusion dishes,” you respond quickly and proudly. But that pride is short lived, with the way he’s staring at you. “Huh. Fusion. Well I’ll be the judge of that,” he purses his lips as he opens a cloth napkin and sets it in his lap. You take that as your cue to bring out his first course.

“Here we have a baby squid, steamed with lemon and capers,” you say in your best chef’s voice. Steamed? Squid? Pale thinks - knows - what’s sitting in front of him won’t be good. But you’re too fuckin’ pretty for him to flat-out refuse. He wishes he did a bump before coming in this place. By the way he has to stab the fish with his fork, he instantly knows it’s not cooked. “Look, I ain’t eating this. This squid is so raw, I can hear it telling Spongebob to fuck off.” Hot tears prick at your eyes. And he can see it. “No. Come on now. Don’t start that shit. Just - just bring me the next course,” he dismisses you.

You set two overly stuffed enchiladas in front of Pale. They look better than the squid, but his hopes aren’t too high. When he finally musters up the courage to take a bite, he wants to spit it out right away. “These are the worst fuckin’ enchiladas I’ve ever had,” he throws down his fork. You go to remove the plate, but he grabs your wrist and pulls you to his eye level. “Look doll. I know I said I didn’t want to go into that fuckin’ kitchen, but you’re going to take me back there. Right now. Show me with the fuck you got going on.” The way his breath blows over your face and his eyes bore into you, you can’t refuse. “Oh-okay,” you stutter.

As you walk to the kitchen, Pale follows, and you can feel his gaze locked on you. And he is truly mesmerized by the way your hips swing. As soon as he crosses the threshold, he demands any and every other employee leave. “Go clean something. And don’t come back in her til’ I say so. Got it?” All life - including the cockroaches - scatters. Except for you. And him. He stalks over to you liek a wild animal. And you’re his prey. Your ass back up against the metal counter, where he cages you between his strong arms. “How’s this sweetheart. Your restaurant is disgusting, your food is even worse. This place ain’t gonna stay open another month. But you? You’re the best damn thing I’ve seen this side of the Hudson.” He steps in even closer, pressing his hot hot body to yours. “Pale, I-” your eyes drop between your bodies. You can feel the bulge in his pants, insistent on your stomach. Before you can choke out another word, his fingers are digging into your soft hips. In one swift instant motion, he lifts you to sit atop the cold counter and mashing his mouth to yours. Demanding. Hungry. You part your lips for him without protest, let his tongue slide against yours. Your fingers comb and twist into his slicked back hair. He moans and thrusts into you when your nails scratch at his scalp. A sudden burst of confidence implores your hands to move to work at undoing his jeans. But he swats you away, pinches your cheeks between his forefinger and thumb. “Nuh uh doll. You’re not ready for my big cock yet.” When you nod in agreement, he releases your face and finds your own waistband, yanking down your pants and panties at once. With those around your ankles, he spreads you open and admires your glistening cunt. “God. Are you always this wet for every Joe Blow that walks in this joint?” You can feel your face heat up at the comment, but Pale ain’t paying not attention. He’s too busy dropping to his knees and wedging himself between yours. And he wastes no time diving in. You gasp and hiccup at the sudden contact. He licks and sucks at your silky folds, drinking down everything you give him. Occasionally, his proud nose nudges your stiff clit, sending shockwaves down your spine. He grunts and pulls away with a wet pop, “Finally something edible. Finally some good fucking pussy.” Fuck he really wishes he had some coke or a cigarette or a drink, something. He’s already too worked up and he doesn’t want to wait anymore.

So he doesn’t.

Pale stands back to his full, towering height and makes quick work of his belt. He uses one hand to free himself, while he coats two fingers on the other in your slick. “Are you ready to take my big cock sweetheart?” he asks before shoving his thick digits deep into you. You inhale sharply and groan at the intrusion. “Yes Pale. Please.” He shakes his head, his dick now in his hand, where he strokes it slowly. “Nah doll. I want to hear you say it.” It takes every last brain cell not focused on the sensation of his burning hand pumping into you to find the words. “Yes - ah fuck - yes. Please fuck me. I’m ready to take your big cock.” Before you even finish your sentence, he’s lining up and thrusting into you. Hard. Deep. Your head falls back and knocks the steel service pass at the same time his cock head knocks your cervix. “Fuck. Fuck me. I like the way you beg sweetheart.” As he sets his brutal pace, the only sounds you can return are moans and whimpers and gasps. Your sounds of pleasure mix with his grunts and groans and curses and the delicious sound of bare skin smacking on bare skin. The symphony you create together bounces off pots pans plaster walls. “Fuckin’. This tight little pussy is gonna make me bust. Mmnh - fuck. Play with yourself doll. Make yourself cum. Make yourself fuckin’ cum on my cock.” You think you nod your head, but you’re not really sure. Either way, you brace your weight on one hand and use the other to draw perfect tight circles into your needy clit. The extra stimulation, added to Pales’ filthy words and steady driving driving into you, pushes you right over the edge. “Unnhh Pale. I- I’m gonna cu- I’m gonna-” “Yeah. That’s right. Cum on my cock. Cum on my cock in your dirty kitchen. Add to the mess. I’m gonna fuckin’ add to the mess. I’m gonna cum all over you. Fuck it’s disgusting in here,” he babbles and rants. You don’t even care that he’s continuing to insult your restaurant, even when he’s balls deep in you. You don’t even care because you can feel your cunt tightening around him and that ball of fire tightening around your insides. He fucks into one, two, three times more and everything explodes. You lurch forward, eyes pinched tight, cum with a shout. He follows right behind, pulling out of your still convulsing cunt, fucking his fist fast. Shooting sticky thick streams of cum onto one of your thighs, your exposed belly, and the counter. As he groans through the end of his climax, he smacks your undefiled thigh and grunts, “Shut it down doll.”

And you do.

You never enter another kitchen. Never cook another meal.

And never hear from Jimmy - Pale - again.

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Tagging a couple other pals who expressed interest for some reason lol @direnightshade​ @poetic-solo​ @blackredrose27​ @find-me-with-orion​

[thatwritingho]

Pickle sex canons?

Yes yes yes yes yes I have a lot of thoughts about my red dread drummer husband

He’s the ultimate switch in bed

Like one night, he could be choking you with a belt and spanking your ass raw and saying the most degrading things

And the next night he’s wanting to take an 8 inch strap on up his ass missionary style so he can see your face and kiss you while it happens

Tends to dom more often than not, dude has so much pent up rage and sex is the perfect way to get it out

Really likes to humiliate you

Like damn

One time the two of you got heated in the living room late at night, and he made you walk back to the bedroom butt naked with his belt around your neck as a makeshift leash while he was fully clothed. Lots of Klokateers saw. It was awesome.

Handcuffs, whips, chains mounted to the ceiling, total submission from you, slapping your face and calling you a whore, leaving you tied up with a vibrator strapped to your clit for literal hours while he goes to record, spitting on you, KNIFE PLAY, he’s into it all

Omg please cut me daddy

Oh did I mention his daddy kink?

And he’ll lose his shit if you call him master

He got a phone call from Seth trying to weasel more money out of him? He’s gonna have you in a collar and leash, hands tied behind your back and nipple clamps on as he pounds his dick into you so hard and for so long you have to use the safe word

Feeling like he has control over something is super important for his mental health after dealing with his family.

But!!!!!!!

But he also loves to be babied!!!!

Poor baby is starved for affection from someone he actually cares about (fuck you Molly)

Sub Pickles is the absolute cutest thing in the world.

He whines, a lot

He also begs surprisingly easily

Give this boy all the praise, he blushes real easy when you compliment him in bed and it’s literally the best

Lots and lots of body worship, constant reassurance telling him how good he’s doing, how beautiful he looks, how much you love him

Tell him how much you love him during sex. Just do it. He might cry

Tell him how much you love his freckles. Count the ones on his face during aftercare and he will be yours forever

Every once in a while he’ll want you to be super rough with him, but those are few and far between and he’s really gotta be in the right mood for it. Soft femdom is more his thing

He’s up for trying anything in bed, just ask him first.

Always makes sure you’re satisfied (unless he drank too much and passes out during sex, which has happened, don’t worry he’ll make up for it in the morning)

Speaking of, be prepared for lots and lots of drunk and high sex

You don’t have to participate in the drug use, but he’d really like it if you did, it makes the sex that much more mind blowing when, y'know, both of your minds are blown

He loves loves loves being high for sex

Ecstasy, molly, psychedelics, anything that makes him feel good and tingly, he’s gonna want to fuck you for hours.

Not a requirement, obviously, but it’s a BIG bonus to him if you have piercings in sexy places; tongue, nipples, clit

Loves to strip you down to your panties while he’s still fully clothed and make you ride his thigh til you come

He will never, ever turn down a blow job from you, no matter the location or situation; funerals, hospitals, public restroom, behind a building, side stage hiding behind a curtain right before a show with literally thousands of people around

There may or may not have been pics leaked online of you swallowing his dick in an alley

He’s an exhibitionist so he high key loved the attention

Wanted to make and release a sex tape with you but Charles anticipated it and won’t let him

This doesn’t stop him from whipping out his phone and taking videos and pics of you during the act for his later personal use

Wants you to send him nudes all the time

Like you could legit just be sitting next to him chilling and he’ll text you wanting you to leave the room and take some nudes to send him right then

He’s too much I swear to god

King of dirty talk, both in and out of the bedroom.

You’ll be hanging out with the rest of the band and he’ll lean over and whisper some filth in your ear in that god damn accent of his about how he wants to strip you right then and there and let the whole band watch as he makes you come for him

And he’ll pull back and look at you with that damn sexy crooked grin and I just asdfghjj

For real tho, he’ll let any of his band mates watch him fuck you if they want

He’s def bisexual, so he’s had plenty of experience having a real dick up his ass and absolutely lives for it

Lots of threesomes and orgies, loves taking a dick while he’s in your pussy

Really likes to talk you up to the other person like you’re not even there when you’re having a threesome to embarrass you

“Eat her pussy, I swehr it tastes like heav'n.” “Doesn’t she have the most perfect fahcking tits you ev'r seen?”

But don’t worry, he makes sure that the majority of your sexy times together are just the two of you

Despite some of his wilder kinks, of which there are plenty, sweet baby really cherishes the one on one time and the closeness of regular, lovely dovey missionary where the two of you can stare in each others eyes and whisper how much you love each other and really take the time to get lost in the moment together

I could go on and on forever, but I’m gonna stop here for now. Let me know if you want more!