#‘hun. darling. are you smiling under that mask? youll make a great wife. trust a woman to find what you need!’
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#today was another drown-in-my-feelings-listen-to-falling-on-repeat day#another childhood friend having a baby#whos way younger than me#and all the adoration and affirmation that entails#more literal college kids at work moving in together and getting engaged#ive just never felt more a waste. wasted education wasted student loans like. for this future i never needed any type of degree much less 3#havent felt this hollow and lonely and on the verge of constant tears in like... a while.#and recently my close friends have all needed support and i just. cant help but fucking envy their problems#like oh im so sorry you didnt get the guy at least you had someone INTERESTED in you at least you have the freedom to tell your family....#im sorry you’re letting your husband work and just lying around the house and feeling useless and OH HOW ARE YOU SO PRODUCTIVE TONI#you know fucking how? uggg. and she’s my oldest friend too.#and im just very bitter tonight that’s the only word for it. i begrudge these women their function female bodies because at least. at least#theirs does SOMETHING right fits into SOME category that gets affirmation and adoration meanwhile im over here constantly in pain up sick#in the middle of the night just. barely able to do normal shit. watching my career prospects and industry tank. feeling guilty that i even#CARE#when so many have it so much worse#feeling guilty that im not just grateful for being alive when i could easily be dead. guilty that that isnt enough.#guilty that the harrassment of the old men at work feels like scraps. feels reassuring like copper rain in my mouth#‘hun. darling. are you smiling under that mask? youll make a great wife. trust a woman to find what you need!’#‘have you ever dated (fill in blank). sweetheart.’#why don’t i mind. so desperate for any sense of normalness. so upset that no one ever catcalled me in the streets of NY. like i wasnt even#worth that#i guess tonight it’s just all too much all of this the past few months missing my former life isolated and stuffed into a new environment#im sorry this is so dark i just... maybe i just need to go to bed#personal
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