#‘he was snacking on a sack of goobers’

[sleestakkkk]

i cannot stop calling people goobers like HELLO?? what does that even mean????

[luciferkirk]

"he was snacking on a sack of goobers"

-google

[racingtoaredlight]

RTARL’s NFL Week 6 Extravapalooza

In this reporter’s opinion, Week 6 brings us BY FAR the the strongest slate of games we’ve had this season. For example, a game pitting a normal squad against either Miami or Washington is automatically a dud based on their respective shittiness, but this week those two poor, unfortunate teams are facing EACH OTHER to determine the King of Crap Mountain. It’s a must-watch for fans of trashy entertainment, imo.

But that’s not all! We’ve also got a showdown pitting two “Future Face of the League”-level QBs against one another in Kansas City, Lamar Jackson facing a weak opponent that should allow him to do crazy things again, and several match-ups between legitimate playoff contenders. Even the boring-ass Titans and Broncos have the courtesy to confine themselves to a single game this week so they can be easily ignored. AND it all starts at 9:30 AM Eastern Time because of the NFL’s ridiculous insistence on playing games in a far away land that couldn’t care less about American football! It should be a fun day, please make sure you have plenty of snacks.

You know the drill by now, my picks are in BOLD, and the lines are courtesy of Vegas Insider.

EARLY GAMES

9:30 AM EST Kickoff: Carolina Panthers (-2.5) vs Tampa Bay Buccaneers (in London)

Panthers QB Kyle Allen has made me look like a dumb dick for insisting that he sucks, there’s no doubt about it. That doesn’t mean I’m going to stop, of course. KYLE ALLEN ISN’T GOOD AND THE TEAM IS WINNING WITH DEFENSE AND MCCAFFERY! 

Speaking of the Panthers’ defense, CB James Bradberry is having an awesome season, and he should keep Bucs WR Mike Evans in check. This means that Tampa’s other stud WR, Chris Godwin, should feast once again. This will infuriate me personally, as someone who owns Evans in fantasy and traded away Godwin recently.

Cincinnati Bengals at Baltimore Ravens (-11)

If the Ravens can’t take care of business against the beat-up, sad-sack Bengals, I’ll have no choice but to accept that I jumped the gun with my Lamar Jackson excitement. I’m picking them to beat the 11-point spread in large part because I long for the halcyon days of Week 2, when Lamar was racking up comical statistics and a man’s word still MEANT something, ya know?

Seattle Seahawks (-1.5) at Cleveland Browns

I think the fact that he’s one of the world’s foremost goobers obscures the fact that Russell Wilson is one of the best handful of players in the entire NFL. In all seriousness, how many QBs would you take over Wilson? For me, Patrick Mahomes and Gardner Minshew are the only guys I’d have ahead of him.

I’m torn between wanting the Browns to be good because I like a bunch of their players as individuals, and wishing for the comfort and reassurance that knowing that they are and always will be a smoldering trash heap provides. The Browns’ perpetual ineptitude can be the anchor we all need in these times of great upheaval. 

Houston Texans at Kansas City Chiefs (-4)

Mahomes! Watson! Hopkins! Hill (probably)! Watt! Mathieu! Hardman! Mercilus! I know the names of several players involved in this game!

This should be a fun one, I give the edge to K.C. because Andy Reid is way better than Bill O’Brien at this whole “coaching NFL football” thing.

New Orleans Saints at Jacksonville Jaguars (-2.5)

Philadelphia Eagles at Minnesota Vikings (-3)

This one feels like a tough, low-scoring brawl to me. I like it very much as a counterweight to the Chiefs-Texans for watchin’-em-up purposes. Eagles-Vikings will be a game dictated by field position, patience, and a few well-timed risks. A slow-burn that rewards those paying attention, as opposed to the constant pyrotechnics and roller-coaster action K.C. - Houston should provide. To put it into seasonally appropriate terms, Vikings-Eagles is “The VVitch,” Chiefs-Texans is “IT.” 

Washington Football Team (-3.5) at Miami Dolphins

I love this perfect storm of garbage so much. With the caveat that you should CLEARLY never take gambling advice from me, there’s no way in hell anyone should feel confident betting on this game in any form or fashion. There’s almost nothing that could happen during these 60 minutes (at least!) that would surprise me. 

LATE GAMES

Atlanta Falcons (-2.5) at Arizona Cardinals

I just can’t with the Falcons anymore. They need to make wholesale changes, in my opinion as a certified football genius. Hey, why not reunite Julio Jones with Kyle Shanahan and trade him to the 49ers? Jon Gruden would probably trade 4 1st round picks for Matt Ryan. BLOW IT UP! 

There’s a chance David Johnson isn’t going to play in this one, I’m making my pick assuming he will and that he’ll be close to his usual self. 

San Francisco 49ers at Los Angeles Rams (-3) 

I originally had the Rams here, but now that Todd Gurley has been ruled out I had to make a change. It’s not that Gurley has been even close to the MVP-level form he showed most of last season, but what he has been is a reliable safety-valve for Jared Goff in the passing game. The Niners can really rush the passer, ergo Goff will need to get rid of the ball quickly, ergo Gurley would’ve really helped. I don’t even know if I’m using “ergo” correctly. ERGO FUCK YOURSELF.

I want to buy the San Fran hype, but I fully acknowledge that THEY AIN’T PLAYED NOBODY, PAWWWL!  This game will be their toughest test yet, even without having to deal with Gurley. 

Dallas Cowboys (-7) at New York Jets

via GIPHY

Tennessee Titans at Denver Broncos (-2)

Don’t even glance at this shit by accident. 

Sunday Night Game: Pittsburgh Steelers at Los Angeles Chargers (-6.5)

The Chargers at home against a reeling Pittsburgh team starting undrafted free-agent rookie third-stringer Devlin Hodges at QB--what could go wrong? If there’s one team that could blow a layup like this, it is DEFINITELY the Phil Rivers-era Chargers. I’d be actively rooting for that very thing if their opponent were anyone other than the loathsome Steelers. I’m enjoying their demise too much to want it to stop now. 

Monday Night Game: Detroit Lions at Green Bay Packers (-4)

I.....am buying the Lions being legit this season? This seems like a mistake, but here we are. I’ve always felt a kinship with Matthew Stafford since we’re both cursed/blessed with 12-year-old faces on the bodies of multimillionaire professional athletes. So, I’m rooting for him to lead Detroit to glory. I think the true star of this game will be Kerryon Johnson, because he’s awesome and Green Bay struggles defending the run. 

I’m enjoying the Aaron Rodgers-Matt LeFleur weekly sideline spats. I actually think their dynamic is much healthier than the passive-aggressive proxy war Rodgers was constantly waging with former Head Bitch In Charge Mike McCarthy. I reserve the right to change my mind on this if Rodgers strangles LeFleur with piano wire during this game.

Last Week’s Record: 8-6

Season Record: 29-42-1