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lily-mj-fae · 4 years ago

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I’m making this post to continue from a comment thread because i hate comments. It takes way too many to say everything at once. So @everlustsstuff this is just my response (this post really got away with me and my thoughts and it got long so i’m putting it under a read more):

First of all. I absolutely do believe Elain has her flaws and faults. A large part of her actions are based on who she is as a person. Her inaction is her biggest fatal flaw. It’s an ugly one, that stems from who she is. It’s awful. And she’s made a few steps in the direction to correct that flaw, but she absolutely has a long way to go. But she’s also not really getting any help there either, because she’s surrounded by people who are content to just leave her as she was. Which kind of leaves her with very few resources to figure herself out.

Who she is, stems from a mixture of nature and nurture. The nature part for her I believe is that desire to people please, the kindness, the general bright and bubbly joy that exudes from her. Just her brains wiring. (and this is a part that i get because that is me too. Just in general a really happy person even in some of the bleakest times. And that is one thing I love elain for. Is how much Feyre admires that. Because believe me, enough people look down on that behavior and it sucks, even if you haven’t done anything wrong).

I do have a tendency to speak more on other people’s actions around her, because I’m far more interested in how other people’s actions affect that (also because like I said, i already get the first part. so it’s really just not as interesting to me). And on top of those things, Elain has been very sheltered, at all points by people around her. (Most Notably her sisters). And that has had a huge part on who she is. Let’s be honest, the girls raised each other. Which has clearly led to some issues (because ya know, they were children and siblings, not parents).

Two of the biggest things that annoyed the hell out of me in ACOTAR are:

1) Why didn’t they grow their own vegetables? Elain had a garden. They were clearly too broke to buy them. And for days when they didn’t have meat, it would be a great option. Like, did they seriously only eat meat? IDK, it seems so unlikely to me. So why wasn’t Elain growing them?

I know a lot of fandom headcanons that she did. I on ocassion will. But i think my friend has it right. Headcanon that she TRIED but it didn’t work out and then likely gave up (because ya know, i think it’s another character trait, even flaw. She seems quick to give up). Because when gardening with Feyre in the nice house, she mentions that she plans on learning how to grow vegetables (which I think is a form of growth within her character. No matter how small it is to us as readers). (also tying into this why doesn’t she cook? but again, something that she’s now worked on rectifying on her own...in the sense she sought instruction on her own volition, to learn from the shadow twins).

2) That when Feyre asks Nesta to chop wood, and Nesta refuses, why doesn’t Elain just go do it herself? Or why doesn’t Feyre just ask Elain. Like i know Feyre mentions not being sure if Elain just doesn’t know what to do or is just actively choosing not to do anything, but then...why not ask her? She was willing to ask Nesta. So Elain doesn’t get asked, and she doesn’t do it herself. Instead we see her plead with Nesta. Is she just incapable? As a people pleaser (and someone who has at least shown interest, albeit later in the series in learning things), it would actually be totally within character for her to go do it herself when Feyre so clearly asks for help and Nesta rejects. Imagine how happy they’d all be if they had wood and Nesta and feyre weren’t arguing about it. So why doesn’t she?

I have my theories. And yes. It 100% has to do with her being sheltered. Do I think that she tried, and Nesta went to stop her? Yes I do. I absolutely do. It would be within character for Nesta, who doesn’t want her sister to be subjected to the harsher side of reality. (Especially because i stand by my comparison of her protectiveness. Which I think would have started sometime after their mother died. I think it would have been the first time they ever saw Elain not her bubbly happy self. And let me tell you. When people care about a bubbly person who is not being bubbly. They get WORRIED. MASSIVELY). But I could be wrong. I just don’t think Nesta’s pattern of behavior has changed that much (aside from her choosing to step in and help Feyre on her own, not because she was harassed into it) that it is terribly unlikely.

Elain is sheltered a lot. Even sheltered from the consequences of HER choices and actions. Which mean she’s not going to learn or grow from those experiences. It seems that Feyre herself has desires/expectations that Nesta should, should be doing her part moreso than she does Elain (obviously she still has hopes/expecations with Elain too. But most of the ire is directed at nesta is feels like). So if she’s spent a large part of her life being sheltered, taking actions that she doesn’t necessarily think about the worst that can happen. Because she doesn’t see it. I mean, She is the one that chose to help Feyre first (when Feyre came to involve them in things on her own). She was the one that pushed for them to do exactly what Feyre was asking. But who ultimately did most of the work? Nesta. And we see in Wings and Ember that Nesta will not allow Elain to be involved. Because she wants to protect Elain from the potential consequences of Graysen finding out. If he found out, and only Nesta had been involved, he already hated her, he’d probably whisk Elain away to keep her safe. But if he knew Elain had been involved? Even though she was trying to help her sister, and everyone else, he’d have left her. With all this in mind, it’s a massive downfall to Elain. But it is also inline 100% with the life she’s led.

And we see Nesta and Feyre again, try to protect her from the fall out of her choices, when Elain comes up with her plan to help the humans. One in which she is vital to. Nesta and Feyre immediately seek to protect her from the pain they all know is coming. And this is where we see Elain starting to outwardly recognize actions have consequences (because she does acknowledge that they failed Feyre when growing up to defend Nesta from the inner circle completely blaming Nesta and not her and she doesn’t try to excuse it. She accepts her guilt there). Because she reminds them that 1) Graysen wouldn’t see any of them except her. and 2) She understands that things are already bad. But it doesn’t change that she needs to face it (Again, some good growth in her character for recognizing that).

Second of all I don’t disagree that the characters need to stop babying Elain. I don’t even disagree that Nesta has stopped (I just disagree with how she’s pushing her away all together. But that’s Nesta coping with her trauma poorly. Just as i think Elain’s repressing is a poor coping mechanism because it’s going to come back and bite her in the ass when it all bubbles out of her control). I’m glad Nesta has taken a step back. It might be a few too many in the wrong direction. And it’s absolutely going to have an effect on their relationship, but I’m glad Nesta is trying to separate from Elain. I want Elain to get away from the IC (at least as a group together). I want her to get the hell out of the Night court and see the world. Because that’s the one thing we know she does want to do. And that would come with experiences.

But them continuing to baby her, mixed with some of her past experiences, doesn’t change

I want to see Elain be trained. Give her some self-defense training. Try to help her train in her power. Let her get out.

The reason I bring up Nesta especially when Elain is being criticized for “not helping Nesta” when Nesta did so much for her, is because I really don’t think Nesta did so much to help Elain as she did to simply protect her. Not only because I feel like it’s making assumptions out of large chunks of time that we know nothing about (time between acowar and acofas, and acofas and acosf), but because it also makes assumptions of what is going on that we cant see because of limited perspectives. And because it makes a lot, what I feel, are inaccurate statements in Nesta’s favor.

Which is where my comparison of Nesta to Tamlin comes in. Because despite everything, despite his temper problems that were a real problem, there are parallels that i’ve pointed out a few times. And Elain, being who she isn’t, isn’t going to fight back as much as Feyre did (those there are certainly some parallels between Elain and Feyre too). She would rather keep the peace. So she mostly accepts it. She is repressing her trauma and just doing what’s expected, the way Feyre was kind of trying to. But we do see her push back a little. Namely to help feyre and then to help the humans. But in these instances, she knew exactly what was needed. Expectations were laid out in front of her. Everything she has done, every step she’s taken, there’s been something there to guide her in that direction. and now, she has no direction. She knows Nesta needs help. But that’s the one thing she doesn’t know how to do. She used to just go to Nesta, comfort her, etc. And that’s not working. Nesta is pushing her away. With that, plus the fact that she has her own traumas and her own issues and figuring out her new place in this new world, that quick to give up (though i don’t call at least a year [war was in spring, acofas was winter, and from exerpt we know elain at least had something to do with nesta through her spring birthday] being “quick” even if they are immortals. Time is still going to mean something to them for a while). But most of the conversations and actual plans and events, happened without Elain present. Elain isn’t aware of those things going on. They’re trying not to key her in. So because she’s not there for those, because things are being planned but likely not told to her until well after, she’s not able to speak up on those. She doesn’t know what to speak out on. She’s not so independent.

Overall, i think that was actually so incredibly detrimental to her. Was Elain in a good headspace? Absolutely not. Could it have easily backfired for her to try to speak her mind at the highlord’s meeting? Absolutely. But not giving her a choice, not allowing her those experiences, kept her from learning or growing. It kept her locked away and secluded. Which is another reason, at least when it comes to this mentioned debate, i don’t like it. Like, i have been told, Nesta was with Elain 24/7 from Nesta stans trying to act like this was all so great for Elain’s character and absolutely the best thing for her. Even though that statement is so false it’s not even funny. And so many people act like this was good, yet think tamlin is this irredeemable monster even just for his similar actions (those are not the actions I think should be irredeemable. I think it’s destroying the study in a violent manner that would have seriously injured feyre if she hadn’t been able to shield, and the outright ignoring her pleas to not be locked inside, and the trying to force her back to the point where he sided with hybern that should fall into those, but eh i don’t care about him enough to say he’s irredeemable) even though the same thing happens to Elain. But with Elain it’s: “It was for her own good.” “They were just protecting her” “They just love her”. Which...is exactly why Tamlin was so fiercely protective of Feyre. I think it’s the one good thing about the actions. They were based in love. But also incredibly detrimental.

Because Elain was so excluded and sheltered from what was going on, she ended up being left behind and alone. Left with strangers (Nuala and Cerridwen...even Amren, who is barely an acquaintance) when they ran off to do their things, and then left to be a sitting duck in the middle of a battlefield. (Velaris remaining untouched while they were in the battles, Elain would have been safer away from them). If they were going to have her there, they should have trained her some. And so Elain (who gets mocked for not wanting to wear leathers) seeks what little comfort she can, in the tent and in the clothing she wears. Because that’s an overwhelming place to be when you’re been left in the dark about everything and have no useful or practical skills.

And yes, she could have learned. She could have done what Nesta did and tried to go help heal. Or anything like that. And she didn’t. Again, because she lacked the initiative because she was in a different place (not in the same tent that most of those things were going on that say led Nesta to try to help the healers) and it wasn’t placed before her. And i would love to see her learn to get past that in future books.

But I do think a lot of her actions are driven by those around her because she is a people pleaser. She’s not confrontational (except in a few small instances). And she doesn’t challenge a lot. She accepts a lot at face value. And it’s biting her in the ass. So she’s going to need to learn.

#elain archeron #elain archeron meta #?? maybe #acotar #i'm not tagging as anti #because i'm not hating on any of the characters #i don't really hate any of them anyway

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ladynestaarcheron · 5 years ago

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Like Pristine Glass - Chapter Seventeen

ao3 - ff.net - masterpost

(tagging these cuties: @humanexile @skychild29 @rhysandsdarlingfeyre @candid-confetti @rhysandsrightknee @missing-merlin @azriels-forgotten-shadow @books-and-cocos @sezkins79 @city-of-fae @someonemagical @dusty-lightbulb @messyhairday-me @rinad307 @superspiritfestival )

i know all of us read for an escape, and that is especially true for fanfiction, so the only thing i will say here is this: i am sorry that elected officials have bastardized the phrase “thoughts and prayers” because i believe it is a sacred one. please know i am entirely sincere when i tell you i have been thinking of and praying for you all, especially my black american readers. i hope this grants you few minutes’ reprieve from the pain of the world. i wrote it for you, dear reader.

---

February 8 - Year of

Just as Nesta was finishing her preparations for dinner, Emerie knocked on the door. Nesta untied the apron she had donned before going to open it.

"Hello," she said in greeting, and not Happy birthday, even though that was why Emerie was coming over.

"Hi," Emerie answered.

"Dinner's ready. Come in."

Nesta was not naturally inclined towards cooking, and in their little cottage under the Wall there hadn't been much to cook with, but here she was learning. Sometimes she and Cassian even cooked together now.

"This looks nice," Emerie said, inspecting the duck carefully.

"I've learned, all right?" Nesta said, remembering the first and last time she had attempted to cook for Emerie. This time she had used Cassian's recipes.

"Where is he, anyway?" Emerie asked.

Nesta shrugged, although she knew. Whenever he left with a vague I have to go, it was to Velaris.

"That looks loved," she said, nodding towards a book on the countertop. She frowned. "Haven't you read that already?"

"It's children's stories. You're supposed to read them again."

"Or children are," Emerie said, stifling a grin as she poured herself some water.

Nesta scowled. "Cassian still likes them." They had even read some together. Nesta bit her lip tightly, trying not to think of the evenings spent in the living room, her reading aloud some of his childhood favorites.

"You have a great voice, you know that?" he said to her quite suddenly, interrupting what he had claimed was the best story in the book.

She had scowled at him then as she was scowling at Emerie now. For Nesta's voice had been described as many things: shrill, thin, even grating, once, by some horrible girl from her old village—but never great. "Shut up," she had snapped.

His eyes had widened and his arms went up in surrender. "What? I mean it!"

"You do not."

"I do! It's...clear. Soothing. And sometimes..." he moved his head from side to side, trying to think of the right descriptor. "Lyrical."

"Lyrical?" That was certainly a first.

"Yeah." His face had split into a grin. "Do you sing?"

"No," she said, forcing her head back into the book. "Don't interrupt me, or I won't read anymore of this Nicholas thief..."

"Nicholas, the Thief Who Stole the Night! And fine. Keep going."

But perhaps some of the memory bled onto her face, judging by Emerie's smirk.

"How do you normally celebrate?" Nesta said, quickly changing the subject.

Emerie's brown face fell flatly. "I don't, really."

"Well...how do people here normally celebrate?"

She shrugged. "Like this, more or less."

"Duck?"

"No, doing what they like. With...you know. People."

For the second time that evening, Nesta forced the flush out of her cheeks. A person knowing that they are one of your two friends isn't nearly so miserable when you are also one of their only friends.

---

December 23 - 4 years after

The children face leaving Velaris to go home to Sugar Valley with the same excitement they greet everything, but Elain is fighting back tears.

"We'll see each other again soon," Nesta reminds her, slightly exasperated.

"No, I know," she says. "I'll just miss you."

"You can come and visit whenever you want."

"Well, I will." She wipes her eyes. "I'll move in with you."

"Don't sound so miserable," Nesta says, laughingly.

"I just want to be with my whole family all of the time." Elain rubs at her face again, and, without much warning, throws herself at Nesta.

"Ugh—all right, Elain...yes, I'll miss you too..."

"Come on, Elain," Feyre says, walking towards them, Avery on her hip. "Give her some air."

"I'll miss you," she says again, muffled against Nesta's neck

"I won't," Nesta tells her, making both her sisters laugh. She hides a smile.

"You know," Elain says, finally taking a step back, "you don't look like you had a very relaxing vacation."

No, she'd wager she did not. Because after falling asleep in bed with Cassian on Solstice Eve, she had not managed to sleep at all for the two nights after that. Perhaps being back home in her own room would help grant her some peace of mind.

"There's not really a holiday from being a mother," she says instead.

Elain's eyes light up, looking over eagerly at Feyre. "We could give you one! We could take care of the kids for a few days and you could have some time with—for yourself! Or..." she says, backtracking at the look of alarm on Nesta's face.

"No, no, it's fine," Nesta says, bringing up her hands. "I just don't think I'm ready for that yet."

"We're here when you are," Feyre says, putting Avery down and throwing an arm around Elain.

"Mummy, I want to stay with my aunts," Avery says, tugging on her hand.

"They'll come visit soon. Where are your brothers?"

"Cass and Rhys have got them...oh, here they come."

"All set?" Rhysand asks when they reach them.

Nesta narrows her eyes at the extra bag he's holding.

"Is it all right if I join you?" Cassian mumbles in her ear, appearing at her side.

Well, she doesn't have much choice now, does she? "Sure."

"I just want to spend some more time with you all while the Illyrians are still celebrating."

This mollifies her slightly. "Of course."

After more tearful goodbyes from Elain—the children all seem upset to leave her, too, which softens Nesta's heart in a way she had not expected—Feyre and Rhysand take hold of them all and they are finally home.

"Elain and I will come soon," Feyre says, squeezing her tightly. "Thanks so much, Nesta. We loved having you in Velaris."

"Bye, Aunt Feyre."

"Bye, Aunt Feyre!"

"Oh, goodbye, you three!"

"We hope to have you again, Nesta," Rhysand says, the picture of politeness.

But Nesta doesn't think she will ever be able to look at him without glaring. Still, she maintains the same civility he does. "Thank you."

And she doesn't even snarl at the cooed "Bye, Uncle Rhys!"

"It's been a long few days," Nesta says. "We're going to take a nap."

"I'll get them down," Cassian says, picking up all three of them in one swoop, making them shriek with laughter.

"Thanks," she calls after him as he wrangles them up the stairs.

She supposes he's given her some time to herself, but there's stuff to do. She's got so much new crap she needs to put away...and what on earth is she supposed to feed Ollie's new caterpillar?

Half an hour later, when Cassian sees her sitting at the kitchen table scrawling out a list, he laughs.

"I thought you'd take a shower or something."

"I have so much to do," she says, rubbing her eyes.

"Those authors you found?"

"They've given me some samples...I need to decide what I'm giving to Adil." And she was incredibly busy trying to avoid him, of course.

"Well...when can we talk?"

Nesta looks up at him. She sighs. "Now." She pushes away the work in front of her.

Cassian perks up, obviously not having expected this.

She opens her mouth, but he holds up a hand.

"Actually, do you mind if I go first?"

Nesta blinks. "Sure."

He gives her a reassuring, relaxed grin and pulls out a chair. "I really wanted to thank you for agreeing to come for Solstice. It was the best of my life."

She can't stop her lips from tugging upwards. "The children enjoyed it as well."

"I hope you did, too."

Her slight smile falters, and she moves to pull back. He puts his hands over hers. "Nesta, I know that you're still hurting. But we've come a long way since a few months ago, and I want to keep that. And grow stronger. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize what we have now...and what I want us to be."

This is far too confrontational—

"I don't want to scare you off," he says softly, "but I don't ever want to leave things up to interpretation with you." He pauses for a moment, perhaps not even noticing how he traces her fingers with his. "I want us to be a family."

That isn't fair. Of course she wants that. What's the alternative? That her children come from—from a broken home? "A family can be many things." The hoarseness of her voice is unfamiliar to her.

"I know that." A short laugh escapes him, probably as he thinks of his own makeshift family in Velaris. "But I also know what I want ours to look like."

Is he going to spell it out for her, in the name of loose interpretations? She hopes he doesn't. She's not ready for that, she can't hear him say it.

"It was perfect, wasn't it?"

"What was perfect?" she asks blankly.

"That night. The two of us in one room, the three of them in another."

She flinches. "That was..."

"A mistake, I know. But it still happened." He still hasn't moved his hand. She hasn't moved hers either. He squeezes it tightly. "I know you liked being under the same roof, too. Let's just...not lose our momentum. Let's keep going. This pace is fine for me."

What if it's too fast for her, though? Or her children? Or—and this might be worse—too slow for them?

Sometimes she feels like she never got out of the Cauldron. Like she's still drowning.

---

January 1 - 1 year after

The last of the Solstice decorations were being taken down when Nesta walked to the post officer, the letter she was twirling in her hands drawing far less attention than the ever-growing bump under her gown.

Everyone was staring at it. And—ugh—it was only going to get bigger, wasn't it? Amorette had told her that a triplet pregnancy could result in gaining anywhere north of forty-five pounds. And also to stop referring to her belly as it.

There's no easy way to write to someone I know I never intended to speak to you again, but I changed my mind because I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant, by the way, because I don't know how fae pregnancy works, apparently. Which I guess means I shouldn't be having sex, but well, at least I've stopped now. Write back!

After hours of writing and crumbling up parchment and throwing it against the wall, Nesta had settled on the more gentle:

Cassian,

Write back.

Nesta.

Nesta knew perfectly well how pathetic that was, but after the way she left, she couldn't say anything else. She didn't want him to come here. She didn't want to go there. They'd have to meet in some neutral territory.

Announcing her pregnancy, she believed, was not something she could do in a letter. She had to do it face to face. Not only because she thought, well, he deserved being told that way, but...

Because of her reasoning for almost everything: she was a coward. That was the truth of it.

She had left him, and now he had the opportunity to leave her right back. Pregnant and alone. Delaying his finding out was delaying the possibility of that happening.

So even though she hated herself for sending that letter, she knew it was the only option she could bring herself to go through with.

December 23 - 4 years after

After playing at the park and dinner, putting the children down for the night, Nesta asks Cassian if he'll be all right alone with them for a few hours.

"I'm just going out to meet Amorette," she says.

"Before you do," he says, standing up from the couch and slipping his hand into his pocket. "I forgot to give you this...in all the—er—excitement."

He pulls out a small black box, very much like the one she had turned down years ago. But he opens it and she knows it's not the same one, because of the gift.

A white gold heart on a fine chain, with three tiny stones in the left corner. One deep violet, one royal blue, and one slate grey, each engraved with a letter: A, N, and O.

She traces it lightly with her finger. "Thank you," she says. "It's beautiful. I have...I have yours, too. Wait a moment." She rifles through one of the bags in the kitchen. "It's not—I mean, I guess I should've...you..."

"Give it here, Nesta," he orders, making her laugh slightly. She hands him the book.

He unwraps it and his eyes widen.

"I didn't really make it for you," she explains. "I just started it when they were born and kept adding on. But...I thought you might like it."

She keeps things. Three tiny bracelets Amorette had snapped on three tiny wrists, locks of hair cut for the first time, the first cohesive "art project"...

He looks up at her after flipping through some of the pages, eyes shining. "Thank you. Can I..." He gestures to the necklace, which she's set on the counter.

"Oh. Yes."

He picks it up as he walks behind her. Is it the cold of the metal that makes her wince slightly, or his body heat so close to her.

"Thank you," she says, looking down at it, after he fastens it. "It's beautiful."

"Say hello to Amorette."

It's rather abrupt of him, she thinks. But perhaps he's worried about pushing her too far. At any rate, Nesta takes her leave, and it's only a few minutes before she is knocking on her friend's door and being ushered in.

"Nice necklace," Amorette remarks right away.

"Thanks."

"It's a heart."

"I noticed."

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"Well, what warrants a heart necklace?"

Nesta rubs her temples. "Can't I have a drink first?"

Amorette laughs before obliging.

She frowns as she takes the glass from her, jerking her head towards a chair in the corner of the room. "What's all that?"

Amorette's clear blue eyes slide over. "Oh. Paperwork."

"You don't normally bring this much home with you."

"Some research, actually," she admits, "from another hospital. In Ciyaluck."

Nesta raised an eyebrow. "You're working with a hospital in Ciyaluck?"

"Not exactly...they've put out some interesting stuff. They asked applicants to do their own...never mind," she says, waving her hands.

"No, wait. You're applying for something? That's great."

"It's up in the air, really. And I'll spare you the gore. Tell me what happened in Velaris."

Nesta takes a deep breath. "Cassian and I fell asleep in the same bed and Nicky walked in on us."

Even Amorette's healer-patience and understanding are not enough to stop her eyes going wide and her jaw dropping. "You slept—"

"No! We just fell asleep!"

"Oh." She pauses. "But...you were in bed together?"

"We didn't do anything," Nesta hurries to say. "Really. Just fell asleep. We didn't...nothing. It was just..." Nesta lets out a groan and drops her head into her hands. "Nicky saw."

"Did you talk to him?"

"Yes." Earlier today. She had stolen a moment alone with him.

"What was your favorite part of the trip?" she had asked, pulling him into her lap, and listened to his ramblings about everything he enjoyed for a few minutes before gently stopping him. "Do you remember when you walked into Mummy's room? And you saw me sleeping there with Appa?"

His brown cheeks darkened, going rosy at the top. Eyes cast down, he nodded.

"And how did that make you feel?"

He shrugged, still not looking at her.

"Sad? Or angry?"

"No..."

"Happy?"

"I don't know."

"You know we both love you very much, right?"

"I know."

"And you're allowed to come into Mummy's room when you wake up in the morning. Or if you wake up in the middle of the night. You know that?"

"I know."

"Would it..." Nesta paused, wondering how best to phrase it. "Would it be good or bad if Appa slept in Mummy's bed again?"

Nicky had looked up, his grey eyes shy as he started wringing his hands. "I don't know."

"All right," she had said, keeping her tone cheerful. She kissed his forehead. "Do you want to go play at the park?"

"Well, that's all right, then," Amorette says when she finishes recounting the events of the afternoon.

"How is that all right?"

"He's not upset," she replies. "He may not know exactly how it makes him feel, but it's not bad."

"What do you think he is feeling, then?" Nesta tries to decide based on his expression when he walked into the room that morning. He had averted his eyes...embarrassed?

Amorette echoes her sentiments. "In the moment, at least. But from what you said...I think he might be pleased."

Is that worse than him being upset? Nesta can't tell.

"Look, he's clearly not losing any sleep over it, and neither should you. You spoke to him, reassured him, made it clear he can come to you. What else is there?"

"I don't know...do you think he told Avery and Ollie?"

Amorette shrugs. "Well, they're not very good secret keepers."

That much is true. "Should I talk to all three of them?"

"If they ask. Parents have done worse things to their children than falling asleep, Nesta," she teases. "When you traumatize them enough for them to run away, it'll be for something worse than this."

Nesta sighs and stretches out her legs. "Suppose you're right...thanks for the book, by the way." An extremely rare edition of one of Nesta's favorites. "Although I don't know if I should thank you for supporting my competition."

"As if," Amorette says, grinning. "Adil tracked it down for me."

Nesta feels a warm flutter in her stomach. "Oh."

She has so much here, doesn't she? The thought doesn't leave her, throughout the whole evening with Amorette and the walk home. Not just for the children...but for her. Adil and Miri and Amorette...and neighbors...and Zeyn.

Who calls her name just as she walks up the steps to her porch.

---

February 16 - Year of

The cold of the Illyrian mountains did not melt alongside the snow, but all of the iciness inside the General Commander's house had gone. There were quiet moments of awkwardness here and there, when Nesta could hear him not mentioning the forbidden words: Velaris, Rhys, Feyre, etc., but the other moments outnumbered them and were pleasant. Which was why Nesta had agreed to join him on one of the mysterious meetings he always disappeared to.

He had asked her a few days ago, after coming home from one of these meetings. Slumped on the couch and complained about how the preferred method rebellion appeared to be directly disobeying him.

"Step down," Nesta suggested, and he had rolled his eyes. "Well, I don't see why you try so much. There are more armies than just the Illyrian one. So let them choose a new commander if they hate you. Be the other armies' commander."

He stretched his arm out, his fingers trailing the spot next to where her knee was under the blanket, and smiled softly. "But I'm Illyrian, Nesta."

She knew that. "Well...I just don't think you should be giving so much to people who don't even want you there."

"There's no way," he said. "Think what the rebels will do if I step down."

"I don't understand. They're Night Court, aren't they? So aren't they loyal anyway? And aren't they pleased to have an Illyrian High Lord?"

"They don't see themselves as Night Court," he said. "They live amongst themselves. They are only Illyrian. So they don't like having an Illyrian High Lord. They like Night Court society about as much as you do," he added ruefully. His grin tugged downwards slightly as he mused, more to himself, she thought, "Actually, you do have quite a bit in common with them..."

"With the Illyrians warlords?" Nesta asked drily.

"Camp lords. We're not at war."

"Not at war yet, you said."

His fingers inched farther, and she leaned back as he began to rub one of the dimples in her knee from over the blanket. "Come with me."

He was still touching her. "Come with you where?"

"To a meeting."

She hadn't thought he would be able to convince her, but his pleading and a rare burst of curiosity on her part won out in the end. So after a morning of his teasing her that they were going to be late and her grumbling that it was so early, Nesta found herself at the entrance of a building in an Illyrian camp that looked very much like the one she and Cassian lived in.

"Lysander's the new camp lord," Cassian told her. "Relatively young. The old one...well. Not a fan of Rhys' or mine."

"Did you kill him?" she asked, half teasing, half genuine.

"What? No! I didn't kill him...and keep your voice down, if you're going to accuse me of political assassination."

"How'd he die?"

"We're not sure," Cassian admitted. "It might have been an accident. But probably not."

"Are you going to find out?"

"We are." He grinned at her.

Nesta scowled. "That's what I'm here to do? I thought you wanted me to sit next to you."

"You will. And add another healthy dose of fear while I interrogate."

"This is stupid," Nesta said, crossing her arms. "Don't you have a mind-reader on hand?"

"This is a new camp lord," he reminded her. "I want him to see me as his commander, not Rhys' lapdog who calls him in anytime things get rough."

She could appreciate that, at least. "And I'm your lapdog?"

She expected him to give her a wicked grin and say something stupid like, You're a wolf, but he only laughed and said, "No. Who would believe that? You're just here on an excursion."

"That's a big word."

"Oh, shut up. I need your help. All right?"

"Fine," she agreed, forcefully making her tone sound begrudging. "You don't think the new camp lord killed the old one?"

"I don't. But I could be wrong. Let's go see."

The building was not much nicer than the tents the Illyrian military had pitched during the war...and the people's attitude towards Nesta have not changed. Muttering greeted her when she entered the room at Cassian's side, and some of those religious hand gestures were thrown in her direction.

She stifled a scowl. She'd been living in Illyria for six months now. If she were going to unleash hellfire down upon them, wouldn't she have done it already?

Cassian didn't waste much time on introductions. On their part, that is. "This is your new commander's table?" He motioned for Nesta to sit down next to him.

Lysander cleared his throat. "I decided on a chain of command, yes."

He was nervous. That was...good? Because he was nervous about doing something without Cassian's permission first? But if Nesta were living here, she wouldn't like knowing that her camp lord was nervous when presenting his decisions.

Oh, she didn't know what she thought. She didn't really understand the politics before her and she honestly didn't care to.

The whole meeting seemed spectacularly boring to Nesta. Even things that should have been interesting—Cassian asking why no females had been chosen for the new commander's table, discussions of Illyrian separatists starting a fire in the middle of the camp—were not. She just...didn't care.

She didn't think much of it was interrogating, either. Until Cassian said, "It seems odd that an established camp lord, who was well-versed in aerial combat, fell to his death. Don't you think, Lady Nesta?"

It had been quite some time since she'd heard that made-up title. But she gave no indication. "I do," she said.

They all flinched at the sound of her voice.

Cassian ignored them, pretending like they were the only ones in the room, as he leaned back and said, "What's your theory?"

Nesta looked around. "Was he popular?"

"He was not."

"Hm." Nesta thought for a moment.

If Cassian had wanted a politician, he would have brought Rhysand.

So she didn't think up any veiled threats. Instead, she turned to Lysander, and asked, just as she had asked Cassian, "Did you kill him?"

Asking Cassian, though, had not been nearly so funny. There was no chorus of sharp breaths, no sputtering.

But the answer was the same—more or less.

"No, Lady!"

Ooh, he would've had to be quite young to look at her with that kind of fear. But it was still hard to tell with faeries, for her.

"I don't think he did it," Nesta said.

"Anybody else?" Cassian was looking only at her.

She studied them all carefully. There—two from Lysander's right. He was calling on his gods far too much for an honest male.

"Did you kill him?"

His brown face bleached. "I did not, Lady." There was, perhaps, less terror in his voice than in Lysander's, but that wasn't very impressive. Perhaps he did not kill the old camp lord, but he definitely knew who did.

"This doesn't strike me as a good commander's table," Nesta muttered to Cassian, who chuckled slightly.

"Lysander...and you...stay. The rest of you, take your leave."

It wasn't something that she hoped to do again, she thought to herself. She didn't particularly enjoy intimidating people; she didn't like to be around people in the first place. But it was for a good cause, she supposed. Tangentially working for the Night Court, but weeding out corruption, right?

And she couldn't deny it—she did enjoy the secretive grins Cassian kept shooting her way.

---

December 23 - 4 years after

Cassian doesn't mean to eavesdrop. Really. He just thinks, when he hears Nesta coming up to the door, that she'll appreciate his help with her coat. Walk her into the living room where they can go over the book she had given him.

But then he hears her say, "Zeyn."

He freezes. Is he—here to spend the night? Should he leave?

Footsteps away from the door, and a kiss.

"I missed you," he says.

"I missed you too. Thank you for your gifts. We loved them."

When had he given her a gift.

"Suppose they're asleep."

"You can see them tomorrow." She pauses. "How was Solstice here?"

"Same as always. Madam Sabina had the kids put on a dance show."

Nesta laughs. "I wonder what the routine was like."

"Oh, it's such a shame you missed it. I can only hope this routine is repeated an infinite amount of times at every single town fair, so you have a chance to see it."

"Fingers crossed."

She's not sending him away, but she doesn't seem to be inviting him in. He notices, too.

"He's here, isn't he?"

Zeyn's voice has changed. He's not cold, but he's certainly not warm.

Nesta's own voice is unapologetic. "He's my children's father, Zeyn."

"But what is he to you?"

Cassian holds his breath. He doesn't want to listen in anymore, but he's too in-tune to her voice. He'll hear her from anywhere in the house now.

"He's my children's father," she says again. "That's a lot, Zeyn."

"Come on, Nesta, you know what I mean."

He wishes he could see her face—well, no, he doesn't. He saw it earlier tonight. She's not ready. He knows that.

Finally, ever so soft, she says, "I don't know, all right?"

Zeyn waits another few seconds before saying, just as softly, "All right."

"I can't have...anything...right now," she says. "It's too much. I'm focusing on the children."

"You always focus on the children."

"Well, really, Zeyn, what the hell do you expect me to do?"

"No, it's not wrong. I'm just saying...do you really think if you take some time to figure out what you want you won't be focusing on them?"

Privately, Cassian agrees with him.

"I don't know."

Now she sounds tired. Cassian doubts she'll want to look at the album with him.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Zeyn...all right?"

Another kiss. "All right. Good night."

Cassian is sitting on the couch in the living room by the time Nesta makes it to the door.

"Hey," she says, untying her boots as she sits down.

"Hey," he says, casual. "How was Amorette's?"

"Great," she says flatly. "How's the album?"

He can't stop the smile on his face. "Great."

She chuckles slightly and reaches for it. "Did you see the little handprints? When they wake up, we can ask them to hold their hands against it...I still make them do it sometimes...they've just gotten," Nesta pauses to sigh and smile slightly, "so big."

"Ollie was always the smallest?" he asks, looking at the prints.

"Yes. I guess he'll be bigger than Avery one day." She laughs. "Oh, wow...do you ever think about what they'll be like? What they'll look like? Nicky looks more like you every single day."

Cassian perks up. "Really? Do you think?"

She nods. "He's started losing his little cheeks already. They're really not toddlers anymore. Three and a half."

"Three and a half," he echoes.

Nesta flips some of the pages. "And the hair. Look, Avery's hair was so light when she was born. I thought she was going to be blond."

They sit for another hour or so, talking about their children. This time, when Nesta starts to doze off, she claps her hands together and announces she is going to bed.

Cassian doesn't mind in the least.

---

some of y’all might not be aware, but since last week was so tough for me, i turned to you. i asked for prompts to write things that might distract me, and i am so pleased that it distracted a lot of you. some of these are lpg-verse, some are not. all are short, and hopefully fun for you.

you can continue to come to me when things are hard for you. my writing will always be here to provide an escape, and i am always here to lend a listening ear.

don’t let the bad days win.

Chapter Eighteen

#nessian #acotar fic #acotar au #nesta archeron #nessian fic #<3 you all.

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