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ryescapades · 6 days

Note

I was wondering I could request a Hoshina x Platoon Leader! Reader where they’re in a relationship which is hidden from the public but the 3rd division knows that smth is going on between them they just don’t know what exactly!

The catch is that there’s a new female officer who was recruited into the division and everybody seems to think that she’s after Hoshina but in reality she’s after the reader and Hoshina gets jealous🤣🤣

darling dearest | kaiju no. 8

characters: hoshina soshiro x gn platoon leader!reader (implied using a hair tie)

genre/warning: fluff !! 'private but not a secret' kinda rs, friends to lovers, hoshina getting jelly, kinda kikoru-centric, one oc made for ze plot :p

a/n: tq for the request anon <3 the world Needs to see the absolute wonder that is jealous!hoshina. also i took a bit of inspo from horimiya's sawada :> 1.9k wc

"he's doing it again."

at the blonde's statement, two curious heads turn to look at where their vice-captain is, unsurprisingly close to where you're standing next to a sitting okonogi.

the operations leader and you are busy discussing about the data you've gathered during your training, and while you're giving out your outlooks on the topic, hoshina seems to be more invested in it than your colleague is.

with your arms literally touching each others', his gaze never once strays away from you, occasionally dropping down to your lips (which the three spying officers are too far away to notice) as you continue to converse with okonogi.

what they don't know is that hidden from their prying eyes, you're fidgeting a lot with hoshina's hand, absently prodding and stroking at his calloused skin out of pure habit.

ever since they were cadets, they've borne witness to a lot of interactions between vice-captain hoshina and you, one of their platoon leaders that radiate vibes ranging from coworker-friendly and platonic to borderline romantic.

silently conversing through brief eye contacts, purposely being in the other's close proximity, making silly jokes in public with clear motive of making the other laugh and the likes. one time kikoru even saw the vice-captain wearing your signature hair tie on his wrist!

and yet they've also recently heard hoshina saying how good of a 'friend' you were to him when the whole division was partying and celebrating after a hard won mission.

none of them ever bothered to confront you nor him to confirm, for sticking their noses into their superiors' personal business isn't a line they're bold enough to cross. since then, they're content with just watching and speculating.

basically, the notion 'they are a pair. do not separate.' is often associated with you and hoshina, no matter what the 'pair' stands for. at this point, the whole third division is just waiting for the day you two get together already.

"he's so close... might as well just glue himself to their hip," reno lightheartedly jokes. kikoru scoffs, fully agreeing with her white-haired colleague while kafka raises an eyebrow. "he sure looks smitten for someone who's supposedly not keen on attachments," he comments.

"men," the girl rolls her eyes, which kafka throws an offended look at. reno sighs, smiling at their antics before he decides to change the subject. "enough about that. have you guys heard? we're gonna have a new recruit transferred here soon."

"ah, right! i've heard the person is from the first division, and they requested the transfer themself. probably another fan of captain ashiro, like usual," kikoru shrugs.

"eh... must be a really big fan to leave behind such an amazing team." reno says in bewilderment, and the older man nods as kikoru crosses her arms, smirking slightly. "we should be meeting them soon. i wanna see how my skills par with that of a first division officer."

˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ˏˋ°•*⁀➷

whatever it is they've expected, it is definitely not this.

the new recruit, aiko, is one hell of a daunting person. they assumed she was going to just introduce herself and then everyone will continue to get the morning training done with.

but nope.

first a little presenting speech from captain ashiro, next an introduction from aiko, and then by the time they realized it, aiko is already up in vice-captain hoshina's face, eyes filled with a burning passion as she challenges him to a spar.

'is she for real?!' —majority of the officers think, for sure.

the fight ends after quite a while, unsurprisingly so due the to the fact that she was from the first division, but with hoshina taking the win, of course. he's the best at close combat, after all.

"that's quite a hit you took there, vice-captain." nakanoshima winces, as if feeling his pain herself. you have to agree with her as you help both hoshina and aiko to stand, "yeah, you pack a nasty punch, aiko." you chuckle.

hoshina rolls his eyes, running a hand through his violet strands. "hate to say this but true," he grunts as he stretches his shoulders.

from a distance, kafka, reno and kikoru watch as aiko straighten up to give her thanks, albeit curtly for the indistinct compliment. they wouldn't have commented anything about it if not for the deep blush dusting aiko's cheeks when she turns to leave, head bowing low to hide her flustered state.

almost instinctively, the three of them exchange glances at the same time as if to say y'all seeing what i'm seeing?. thus, their minds decidedly come up with the same conclusion.

aiko has a crush on vice-captain hoshina.

from that day forth, the third division starts to become an active witness to aiko taking up most of hoshina's time, asking and demanding him for this and that.

sparring sessions, subjugation operations, meal times, off-duty hours, literally everything. something they find weird, however, is that aiko does all of that with such a vexed behavior towards the vice-captain.

hoshina, the unwavering man that he is, stands up to her irksome challenges and still continues to humor her despite her many losses.

'are they into enemies-to-lovers or something?' the division members think. another thing they find weird, is how the situation(ship) between you and hoshina is still going on.

hence, aiko blushing and snapping at a smirking hoshina while you awkwardly watch at the side has become a daily occurrence at the tachikawa base.

'the vice-captain is definitely two-timing...', some of them would surmise.

kikoru, persistent with her belief that her vice-captain is not as sleazy as the others seem to start portraying him as, decides enough is enough. she'll freaking ask the man himself since no one has the balls to do it.

stomping through the hallways of the base, her boots pound vigorously on the floor with a purpose. she enters the training ground where most of the division members are, right away making a beeline towards hoshina who's deep in a conversation with the captain, with you and some other platoon leaders hovering nearby.

though she's only halfway there when aiko beats her to the punch.

"vice-captain hoshina," aiko starts, her eyes narrowing in scrutiny. hoshina stands his ground, sculpted arms crossing over his defined chest as he raises a perfectly thin brow at her. "anything i can help ya with, officer?" he questions.

"ooh, this will be interesting." nakanoshima muses hushedly, and ikaruga snickers from beside her. kikoru frowns, thinking how absurd it is that her platoon leaders are supporting hoshina's allegedly two-timing acts.

this whole situation has been going on for days, and there's no way she's gonna let it continue forever. not when she, and the other officers admire you so much to let you be disrespected like this. the least they could have is a simple confirmation on what is truly the case here.

and oh, a confirmation it is that they're getting.

"respectfully, sir, i demand you to break up with platoon leader l/n so that i can pursue them instead!" aiko exhorts, and a larger part of the division gasps in surprise, including kikoru herself.

say what now?! you and hoshina have already been dating this whole time???

not as shocked as the others, you facepalm yourself out of embarrassment. god, here we go again... you inwardly groan.

a tick mark appears on the side of hoshina's head, though the small smile remains on his face, never giving away his slowly dissipating composure. "and exactly why, pray tell, should i do that?"

"i believe i can treat them better than you do, vice-captain," aiko declares with a determined gaze, which only causes hoshina to start glaring at her. "bold of you to assume i'd let you even a meter close within their radius, let alone talk to them," he counters.

aiko crosses her own arms, not deterred in the slightest at the way hoshina looms over her smaller stature. "too bad. me and l/n-san have had several alone time together since i transferred here. they can vouch for that, i'm sure." she says, sticking her nose up in the air.

hoshina throws you a look of betrayal, making you freeze and smile sheepishly. in your defense, those meet-ups with aiko were completely platonic...

but your boyfriend already knows that, obviously. he knows you've been spending time and catching up with this... brat without him around. he's not worried that you might be cheating on him, because he wholeheartedly trusts you, he really does.

but that doesn't mean he won't get jealous about it. he himself hates feeling like this. it wrenches his gut, squeezes his chest in the most dreadful way that leaves a sour taste in his mouth. this green, monstrous emotion that eats up at his insides like fucking parasites.

hoshina wants to be the only one to make you smile and laugh, to make you think that he hung the stars in the sky for you himself and that he'd be the moon to your sun, to convince you that his world really does revolve around you.

and then this annoying little pest just keeps getting in his way, stealing away your time that you used to spend with him. your training periods, kaiju missions, meal times, off-duty hours, even the simple dates you two would have behind closed doors, basically your whole schedule that you share with him has been breached by aiko.

sensing the graveness of the situation, you decide to take matters into your own hand. "okay, first of all, can we calm down?" you hesitantly ask, not wanting to make a scene especially when captain ashiro is still here (she's observing with mild interest, much to everyone's ignorance) before turning to aiko. "hey, can we talk?"

hoshina watches with a hardened expression as you walk off with her to talk it out, eyes sharpened to an intense stare and tapping his foot incessantly on the ground with agitation even though he knows you're going reject her.

kikoru then looks over to her other platoon leaders who are sighing to each other with a knowing glint in their eyes. "i thought aiko-san was trying to get with vice-captain hoshina..." she quietly mutters to them.

nakanoshima gives her a funny look. "what?" she snorts, "nah~ it's always been those two fighting over y/n ever since their early days at the defense force. the three of them came from the same batch of recruits so they do have a bit of history together. but y/n and vice-captain hoshina just have that something special between them, you know what i'm sayin'?"

"yeah, they've been together for years now. if i remember correctly, only captain ashiro and okonogi-san were explicitly told about their relationship but i wonder how people haven't caught up on it yet considering they weren't exactly hiding it in the first place..." itakura says, and his subordinate adds dumbly, "but the vice-captain said platoon leader l/n is such a great friend to him...?"

ebina laughs in amusement, "oh, they are." when kikoru gives him a confused look, ikaruga decides to clarify. "they were friends first before they are partners. i'm sure vice-captain would still call y/n his friend if you were to ask him right now, because that's plainly the truth."

the pink haired woman then lets out a whistle, "but damn it was so entertaining to watch aiko and vice-captain hoshina wrangle each others' throats. it's been such a long time since i last saw him that upset," she chuckles.

the blonde girl blinks repeatedly, now worried for her fellow comrades. because she knows some of them are apparently harboring a secret crush on you.

sweet lord, if any word gets out about more people trying to get with his darling dearest, hoshina is in for a wild ride.

had to search up the kn8 wiki for the platoon leaders' names sigh p/s maybe it's time i rewatch horimiya.. — taglist @maruflix @pixelcafe-network ©🅁🅈🄴🅂🄲🄰🄿🄰🄳🄴🅂. do not steal, translate or repost my work anywhere else !

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withleeknow · 3 months

Text

wishful thinking. (07)

chapter seven: built to break

summary: the instruction was plain and simple: no strings attached. but you should’ve known from the beginning that it could never apply to you and him.

pairing: minho x f!reader rating: 18+ (minors dni) genres/warnings: friends to lovers, friends with benefits au, college au; fluff, angst, smut; the gorlies are fighting...?, not much for warnings in this chapter ig word count: 4.3k note: i finally got off my ass and wt is finally back lol. i had a last minute change of plans and thought "oh! you know what would be pretty neat? if we prolong the angst so everyone can be sad for longer!" <3 and this is how i announce that the next chapter is not wt8 but wt7.5 and it's written from his pov <3 merry christmas

as always, i’d appreciate any thoughts or comments you may have, and please drop a like and/or reblog if you enjoy reading ♡

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I’ll hold my breath as I wait for your answer I’ll leave it up to you Tell me whether it’s yes or no Baby, love me or leave me tonight

Love Me or Leave Me - Day6

The warning signs, they're there. You can see them before they materialize. You know your own tells.

Your metaphorical bags are packed, your shoes are already on. You're about to run again, leave a half empty house before it has the chance to become a home. No one has to tell you that you're a flight risk; you're well aware of it yourself.

Wednesday Min: got plans tonight? You: booked and busy with ze old canvas Min: tomorrow? You: same thing probably. sorry Min: u're working hard lately You: yeah this one is just driving me crazy and i need it to turn out decent Min: it'll be perfect. it's u

Thursday Min: running errands at the store Min: want me to bring u anything? that caramel popcorn u like?

Friday Min: don't work too hard. remember to eat

That was three days ago, the last time you'd heard from him after you left him on read. It wasn't a complete lie; this project is driving you kinda crazy and you do need it to end up a decent piece, but you weren't exactly holed up in your apartment to slave over your painting. And you suppose Minho didn't find it all that suspicious because you tend to do this sometimes - disappear for a couple of days and force yourself to focus whenever you had a project to finish, before you come back to everybody again. You've come back to him before; it stands to reason that you'll do it again.

It's been about two weeks since you'd seen him, though the memories of that evening are still fresh in your mind - the evening of the group dinner, when he'd kissed you goodnight and left for his parents' house the following day. True to his words, he did send you pictures of the cats - ones of Soonie wearing a matching hoodie with him, a few of Doongie and Dori napping at the foot of his bed. There was an accompanying text - The kids miss you - along with a frowning emoji, and it made you wonder if what he really meant was I miss you.

You wanted him to miss you, because you missed him too.

The photos brought a smile to your face despite the predicament you found yourself in. A smile that was short lived, a smile that was soon wiped off when you realized your heart shouldn't be swelling with that much affection for him. It shouldn't, but the truth was that it did and you don't know how to live with it.

Love isn't something you've ever learned to hold.

It's beautiful yet full of thorns, and your hands are too clumsy to ever keep it from slipping from your fingers.

You remember when you first met Minho. Freshman year, at some popular senior's house party.

It feels like forever ago when you were just an awkward freshman at orientation who didn't have a single clue on how to make friends. Jess was your first friend in college, and you'll always be grateful that you got along well enough that she adopted you into the group with the rest of the guys.

You didn't cross paths with Minho until you were already acquainted with everyone else. On the night of the party, you remember being enamored with him for those couple of hours, and it wasn't the side effect of too many solo cups of cheap beer. Who in their right mind wouldn't be infatuated with him? He was beautiful, absolutely alluring, and you would always tell him as much.

Back then, he had brown hair, slighter shorter than now but it was tinted with the most gorgeous shade of red. You didn't know much about Minho, only been told that he was pretty quiet and might be off-putting to new people. It was sort of true; that night, you were intimidated by the aura he exuded. Mysterious, couldn't be bothered, didn't seem to give a shit. He looked like a scary little thing, while you were the new kid who was only trying to observe everyone's dynamics, not wanting to overstep any unspoken boundary.

To this day, you're still not sure what really happened, how you two immediately clicked and he's been one of the most important parts of your life ever since.

Maybe it was just him. Maybe it's always been him.

Minho, the one who makes you smile when all you want to do is curl up and cry. The one who makes you laugh when you look for joy but the search comes up empty. The one who grounds you every time you lose your way. Your anchor, the safe harbor you can always return to. The light at the end of a long, long tunnel.

You don't know where you stand, don't know where it goes from here now that everything is changing. He told you so himself, that nothing changed for him, but how could he possibly know that everything is changing for you? And it infuriates you to no end because you don't even have anyone to talk about this with. You're the only person whose world is being turned upside down after all.

You can't tell your friends because they can't know about you and Minho. You can't tell Minho because what would you even say? That you think you're in love with him? That the implications of what it means are devastating to you?

For the first time, you regret everything. Kissing him that night, sleeping with him, becoming whatever this is with him. Letting down your guard and falling for him somewhere along the way and you didn't even stop to notice it. You regret all of the decisions you've made up until now, because they've only led you to the point of no return, the point of losing him. You made bad decision after bad decision after bad decision, until you couldn't anymore. All along, there's been no one else to blame but you.

Maybe it hasn't happened yet, but it's inevitable. You will lose him. You are going to lose him.

There's no other ending, no other alternative that you can imagine. You're going to leave because you're a coward and it's what you do best. You ruin things before they get a chance to hurt you. You leave because if you don't leave then you'll be left behind, and you'd rather not bear the brunt of it.

Now, when you think of Minho, the thought is always accompanied by a painful reminder - Nothing changed for him.

When you get to the cafe, Hyunjin and Seungmin are already seated in a corner booth, three drinks in front of them, one of which they'd ordered for you before you arrived.

You slide into the seat next to Hyunjin, smiling at him appreciatively for the drink. There's still over half an hour before you have to walk to your shared class, over half an hour before Seungmin parts ways with you two to do whatever or whoever it is that Seungmin does on his off days.

"I still think it's Nara," Hyunjin says, casually sipping his iced coffee.

"Nara from your Lit class last semester?"

"Yup."

"Why?"

"I saw them talking at a party once."

"Okay. And?"

"And what? That's it."

"That's... all the evidence you have to back up your claim?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

You wave your hands in front of them. "What are you bozos talking about?"

"He’s still trying to figure out who Minho is hooking up with," Seungmin is the one who answers you without missing a beat, then he turns back to Hyunjin. "Anyway, it can't be Nara. She's dating Jaehyun on the basketball team."

The friend next to you flails his arms like a petulant child, like he couldn't have possibly seen this coming, like he was so sure that he had finally solved the mystery. "Great. I'm back to square one again."

You straighten your back and reach for your drink, tentatively gulping down the beverage as if it'll hide the fact that you've gone stiff the second this topic is brought up. You feel bad about it, sure. These are your friends that you're lying to after all. They don't have to look anywhere far; the answer to the secret is right in front of them.

"We're still on about that?" you ask in the calmest, most nonchalant voice you can muster. You usually consider yourself a believable liar (which, to be honest, isn't really a flex at all), but whenever someone mentions this little arrangement between you and Minho that shouldn't be common knowledge for anyone else, you feel like you're been put under a spotlight for the whole world to scrutinize.

"Duh," Hyunjin says. "You know, I'm kinda surprised that you don't know. You two are like, attached at the hip sometimes."

You give him a thoughtless shrug, your hands fiddling with the sticker on the plastic cup as you avoid looking at either of your friends. "Maybe he just wants to keep private things private, y'know? You wouldn't like either if all of us is suddenly all up in your business. And besides, what if it's just casual?"

Hyunjin scoffs. "Please, I'm an open book. I tell you guys everything. I tell you every time I hook up with someone."

"Yeah, but you see, literally no one needs to know that," Seungmin says.

The taller one only scoffs, waving his hands around dismissively in Seungmin's direction before he turns to you. "If it was just casual, would he save her name as - oh my God, I forgot what her contact name is. Freaking bird person or something."

You make a face. "What?"

"Dude, seriously?" Seungmin rolls his eyes. "You forgot one word? Dove? What is the matter with you?"

Perhaps it's the half-hearted teasing judgment in Seungmin's voice that makes Hyunjin take offense and drop the topic. The conversation veers off course when they start bickering like children in the busy cafe. You suppose it works in your favor, but you can't focus. You drown it all out.

Your hand is still on the cup but the sticker has been left alone and forgotten, half peeled off, half still clinging to the plastic underneath the condensation.

The single word repeats itself in your mind, over and over and over again.

The entire time you're in class, you don't really focus on anything. You can't bring yourself to listen to whatever your professor is saying, not after what Hyunjin and Seungmin told you earlier. At some point, your friend has to nudge your shoulder to bring you back down to earth when usually, you're the one who has to remind Hyunjin to pay attention. Class ends soon enough though; time tends to fly by when your mind is lost elsewhere.

"What's wrong with you today?" he asks with his bag slung over his shoulder, slowing down his steps to match your speed as you walk out of the lecture hall together.

You scratch the back of your neck sheepishly. "Nothing's wrong. I was just tired."

"You wanna grab dinner with me and Felix?"

Any other day, you would've agreed in a heartbeat. But today, you want to be alone. Sometimes, you'd rather wallow in your own misery than settle for a temporary distraction.

You're still stuck on the conversation from earlier, on the small detail that Hyunjin and Seungmin had let slip in the cafe.

Dove.

His dove.

Maybe it doesn't mean anything. Perhaps it's only a nickname that he's assigned to you out of mere platonic fondness, but it makes you conscious about the dove on your own wrist nonetheless, the one that you feel compelled to hide from your friends underneath your long sleeve.

"No, it's okay," you tell Hyunjin. "I'll just go home and sleep it off."

"Okay. I can walk you for a bit," he says. "Just wait with me here. Minho's coming to give me back something he borrowed."

"Minho's coming?" you ask too quickly for it to sound casual. There's a panicked edge that you can hear in your own voice, though you don't think Hyunjin picks it up as he unlocks his phone and types something on the screen.

"Yeah, he was at the library. He's coming over right now, should only be a couple minutes. Then I'll walk back with you."

You shift on your feet uneasily, but you cover it up by rubbing your hands on your arms to pretend like you're just cold. There's no excuse that you could think of that would justify why you can't stand here with Hyunjin for just two more minutes, without giving it away the fact that you're avoiding Minho.

You take in a quiet breath, put on your best brave face. Casual, nonchalant. It's just Minho. Just Minho...

He comes up from behind, where you can't see him. A warm hand gently lands on your shoulder, and it takes everything not to shy away from his touch. It takes even more not to lean into his side.

You've missed it. You've missed him.

"Hey." He smiles at you while Hyunjin only gets a nod in acknowledgment.

"Hey." You return the smile, though you're sure you look a little rigid. You can tell there's an inkling of confusion in his eyes when he senses that your energy is off, but you're thankful he doesn't comment on it, at least not in front of Hyunjin anyway.

You don't notice the paper bag in his other hand until he hands it to your other friend with a simple Thanks, to which Hyunjin just nods along in a silent You're welcome.

"I was going to walk with Y/N for a bit and then meet Felix for food," he tells Minho. "You wanna get burgers with me and Lix?"

"No, thanks. I'm not hungry, I had a late lunch. I'll take the walk though."

You didn't plan on being alone with Minho today, even though you knew you had to talk to him eventually. You just thought you had a little more time, at least until you got your shit together and face him with a brave façade.

Minho's hand brushes yours the entire time you walk, and it's nothing if not confusing. It's unbearable, the way your fingers twitch with the urge to intertwine them with his.

It persists even after Hyunjin has waved you goodbye to you two and turned to head wherever he and Felix agreed to meet. You think Minho would hold your hand now that it's just you and him, but he doesn't. He lets your skin continue to brush, lets you suffer alone and wanting in your sunken disappointment.

It has very little to do with him and everything to do with you, the conflicting thoughts inside your head piling up one by one the more time you spend in his presence.

Dove, the brief display of jealousy at Yeonjun's party, the way he looks at you sometimes that you can't really decipher the meaning behind, how he kisses you so tenderly that it can't possibly be strictly platonic. You want these things to all mean something, and yet...

You want him to hold your hand, but you know you'd wave it off if he tries to reach for your fingers. You want him to stop you right then and there to kiss you breathless, just as he had that night two weeks ago, even though you're sure you'd only dodge his lips and push him away. You want to stay, you want to leave. You're terrified of things changing, but you wish that something, anything, would be different for him; that you aren't the only one who's spinning out of control. You love him, but you wish you didn't.

Eventually, Minho asks, "You okay?"

It's not until now that you realize this is the first time you've ever been this quiet around him. You purse your lips, glancing down briefly at your feet as you keep on treading the rest of the way home. "Yeah, all good. I'm just tired," you tell him, visibly unenthusiastic despite the smile you try to fake. "I just need to sleep it off."

"The project stressing you out?"

"I guess, yeah."

"And here I thought maybe you were avoiding me," he says, half a joke, half inquisitive. "Were you?"

"Was I what?"

"Were you avoiding me?"

You give him a weird look, one that's meant to be dismissive and call his question ridiculous even though you know you've been caught. And maybe it's the over-the-top glance that you throw his way and the way your pitch goes higher when you reply, "Why would I be avoiding you?" that makes him stop walking.

On the other side of the street, there's a couple of kids in high school uniforms, exchanging shy glances and sharing fond giggles.

Minho calls your name softly, and it's like you're just waiting for the ball to drop. You don't want to turn back and look at him, but what other option do you have? What else is there to do?

You can't decipher the expression on his face. He's still calm, but the air has turned serious, the silence of the mostly empty streets surrounding you only serves as the soundtrack of your impending heartbreak. The tender and innocent laughter fades away when young love moves further and further from where you stand. "What?" you ask with faux nonchalance as you look at him, another attempt at stalling. Biding your time even though a few more minutes aren't going to do any good for your case.

Anyone with half a braincell could tell that clearly it's not the truth, let alone someone who has learned to read you better than the back of his hand. He doesn't look like he believes you, though he doesn't push it, much to your surprise.

"Okay," he says after a moment of studying you, and this should be the part where you heave a sigh of relief because he's letting you off the hook for now, but your chest doesn't feel lighter at all. Your head is clouded with dread, with the anticipation that you're only delaying the inevitable.

You walk the rest of the way in awful silence, because you know that he knows something is wrong. You try your best to appear composed, but he sees right through you. You know he does.

You must look like a frightened animal, one that's about to take off running any second now.

When you reach your building, Minho is quick to keep you with him before you can make up a lame excuse and bolt.

"Hey," he starts, his voice so impossibly gentle that it hurts. "You know you can tell me anything, right?"

Heavier and heavier, it weighs you down until you feel like your chest is going to collapse. The nerves gnaw on you, clawing into you until you feel your heartbeat quicken, the overwhelming dread simmering low in your belly.

"I know," you say, but deep down, what you're really thinking is, Not this. This is the one thing I can't tell you.

"Is everything okay?"

It's the way that Minho's got his gaze set on you with those deep brown irises, the concern so apparent in them that it hurts you. It's the way he looks like he wants to reach out and touch you - a comforting hand on your shoulder or your back like you're so familiar with - but he has to hold himself back or you might slip away.

It's him, how he always puts you first, how he cares about you in ways that you've never been cared about before. He understands you, he sees you. It feels like it could be love if you let the lines blur just enough.

Is love supposed to hurt? Like this?

Maybe it's not that you don't know how to hold love. Maybe it's because you're not meant to hold it at all. Insignificant, unlovable.

And... it's the reminder that cuts through the dread like the sharpest knife.

You leave his question unanswered, because nothing is okay and you can't tell him any of it. You can't lie to him either, because it's the last thing that you want to do to him.

Instead, you ask, "We're good... right? We're okay?"

"What do you mean?"

You gesture between the two of you, though you're not sure what that's supposed to signify. "Just...," you trail off for a second, hesitant. "Nothing's changed, right?"

Minho doesn't answer right away. He looks at you for a moment, searching for something in your eyes that you can't tell if he's able to find.

He nods, seemingly wistful as he says, "Nothing's changed."

He seems unsure about it, at least more than he was just a few weeks ago when he told you the same thing in your apartment with his fingers wrapped around your wrist. The tug between his brows - though barely noticeable - tells you as much.

Is it because something is different now? Or does he only sound uncertain out of concern, because of you and how you're acting?

Then he continues, "For me, at least."

And there it is.

It's the confirmation this time around that turns you inside out so his simple words could cut into you.

You swallow thickly, put on a smile like you're pleased with his answer even though you're trying your hardest to stop yourself from shaking. Whatever energy you had left is instantly drained from you just because of a few words.

Your sentences get smashed together, tangled up like barbed wire and they only make you bleed when you try to pull them apart. All your nervous tics coming out to play despite your best efforts to keep them at bay. A frustrated hand running through your hair, gripping at the roots a little harshly. Your bottom lip pulled between your teeth and your eyes turning glassy for a split second before you blink the moisture away, because you can't let Minho see you like this. See you trying to keep your pathetic heart intact while he's none the wiser.

He's fine. And unlike you, he's going to be okay when this is over.

Unavoidable and inevitable, the end will come whether you like it or not. You're the only one who won't make it out unscathed, and it will only shatter you into more pieces the longer you drag this out.

Just rip the bandaid off. Salvage whatever you can. Stop digging the grave even deeper for yourself.

One second, then two, then three. You don't speak until you have enough faith that your voice is even enough to carry out a few sentences.

"Okay, uhm... I think I need some time for myself. We should..." But it isn't, and you crack halfway through. The sound is deafening to your own ears. "We should take a break. We should stop this."

Minho doesn't question if you mean the secret between the two of you, or your friendship entirely. Instead, he asks, "Why?"

"I told you." You clear your throat. "I need time for myself."

You can't tell what he's thinking, but the knife twists inside of you nonetheless.

He takes a step closer, you take a step back.

You watch as his face falls, and the same feeling mirrors itself within the confines of your ribcage. Your heart drops at the sight of his eyes, deep brown irises stained with a little confusion, then a little hurt though it lasts for only a few seconds. The slight slump of his shoulders, the absence of the familiar playfulness he always sports when he's with you.

He blinks.

"Time for yourself, or time away from me?"

You say nothing.

You don't address his question directly, and your reluctance to do so is a loud enough answer in and of itself. "Why does that matter? What's the difference?"

"It matters if I did something to upset you."

"You didn't."

"Okay. So?"

This is confusing, because he's not letting you rip the bandaid clean off and you don't know why. "Nothing's changed, right? If it didn't mean anything to you, why can't you just drop this?"

Minho is quiet for a beat. His eyes are searching again, but this time, you think he finds something.

Everything is still and you hate it - the silence of the streets, the scrutinizing orange glow of the streetlights as if they're watching the scene unfold, even the innocent cat that's sitting by itself on the balcony on one of the floors higher up. You hate all of it.

"I never said it didn't mean anything," he tells you.

It makes you a little angry for some reason, and there's enough red to cloud your vision because his words are contradicting and you're tired, you're so exhausted that you can't focus on what it is that he's really saying.

"So you lied to me?"

"I've never lied to you."

"I asked you before and you said nothing's changed. Now you're saying whatever this is didn't not mean anything. Make up your mind."

It gets redder when he keeps his eyes fixed on you, still so calm despite the frown that has returned to its place between his brows. Still so collected, while you're being pulled apart at the seams.

The ball doesn't drop the way you expect it to. It keeps falling so insufferably slowly, hanging over you like it's mocking you for being stupid, like it's milking every second of suspense to make you implode.

Until Minho speaks next and suddenly, it feels like the air has been sucked out of your lungs. His voice, still so soft and tender. His eyes, reading something in yours that you can't bear to admit out loud.

"You really don't see it, do you?"

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